The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 08.14.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 08.14.00

Gonna be honest, this lame duck RAW era is boring the crap out of me, and it’s doing kind of shitty engagement numbers as well so it’s not really worth my time continuing on. I’ll probably check in on the Netflix era when that starts, but I feel like as far as ROI goes, Smackdown might be a better choice to review instead. Anyway, instead we carry on with the show that NEVER bores me AND delivers the pageviews.

Live from Kelowna, BC, Canada, something I never thought I would ever type for a major wrestling TV show in my lifetime. I mean, I’ve got family and friends there and I’ve been there many times in my life but what a weird choice to run a show. They only drew 3600 people and did an all time dumpster fire rating of 2.4 for this one, with the second hour in particular bottoming out at a 2.1 rating for one of the lowest of all time for the show. That’s not the PPV bounce you want.

Also this week saw the cancellation of Thunder announced, although that show ended up sticking around until the death of the company regardless.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson & Mark Madden

Vince Russo joins us in the ring with Tank Abbott for an opening rant about Hulk Hogan, although he can’t say the name for legal reasons, promising to make an example of Goldberg in the same way he made an example of that other guy. So Vince whines about not being able to fire Goldberg after last night, because Brad Siegel won’t let him, so instead he’s going to fight Tank Abbott and “call it in the ring”. Because although Goldberg considers himself to be Superman, Tank is kryptonite and Russo is gonna stick it straight up Bill’s ass. The announcers naturally are FREAKING OUT over this development, because this opening segment is OFF SCRIPT, which naturally we as viewers would instantly recognize for some reason, and Tony doesn’t know what to do next, and literally says so on air. So they go to a break. Whew, dodged a bullet there.

Back from the break, Vince tells the director to show the action at ringside, which is Goldberg brawling with Tank in a SHOOT FIGHT. You can tell because when Tank takes bumps into the post and railing, he’s showing actual pain and not fake selling. So Goldberg goes after Russo, who hides behind the announcers, and then Goldberg puts Tank in a devastating armbar on the floor and we go to another break. THIS IS TOO REAL.

Back from the break, Scott informs us that Goldberg walked out on the planned finish at the PPV, so the #1 contender match has been rebooked for tonight, with Kevin Nash against Scott Steiner one on one, which will undoubtedly remain fully on the script according to the planned finish. Also Booker T will defend against Jeff Jarrett one last time. If only we could believe that were true. Also this opening segment dug a pretty big hole for this show to climb out of and I don’t like its chances.

Shane Douglas & Reno v. Kidman & Big Vito

I love how they have to continually introduce Reno as the boyfriend of one of the Nitro Girls and that’s pretty much his whole character arc. They brawl on the floor while we’re also reminded that Vito and Reno have some mysterious beef in their past but we don’t know what it is. Reno and Douglas double-team Vito in the ring, but Kidman makes the save as this crowd is shockingly hot for this, probably because this was the one and only wrestling TV show they were ever gonna get. Reno ROLLS THE DICE on Kidman for two, but Vito makes the save. Kidman with the short powerbomb and Vito finishes Reno with a flying splash at 3:20. This was already more fun than anything on the PPV the night before. **. But then O’Haire and Jindrak and Stasiak and Palumbo all hit the ring and attack Kidman and Vito and apparently they’re all a thing now.

Meanwhile, the Filthy Animals present the Cat with his own personal assistant, Mrs. Jones. Disco: “Word to your mother!” Cat: “Yeah mother your ass out of my office.”

Meanwhile, David Flair is so worried about Stacy that he’s still wearing his muddy clothes from the night before. So then he joins us in the ring, and Tony clarifies that this is also an unscheduled segment, going off the script. But then we cut to the back and Major Gunns is in tears watching David while the MIA ignore the whole thing and play cards. So Gunns goes out and takes responsibility for kicking Stacy in the stomach, you know, where the baby is kept, and David is freaking out until Stacy hits the ring and announces her pregnancy. They’re kinda telling this “story” backwards.

Lance Storm joins us, happy to be back in Canada in front of true wrestling fans. Underexplored problem with the triple crown title that Storm had: It effectively killed off the Hardcore and Cruiserweight divisions while he was champion, destroying a big part of the show’s diversity in the process. So the Cat interrupts the playing of the Canadian national anthem, which is pretty disrespectful, and the crowd rightfully boos him for it. Cat draws some impressive heat, calling out Storm as a “Power Ranger” and booking him in another match with Mike Awesome tonight. And he’s the guest referee to ensure law and order.

Canadian title: Lance Storm v. Mike Awesome

Storm attacks with a leg lariat as Awesome hits the ring, but Cat won’t count, allowing Awesome to hit a splash for a fast count for two. They brawl on the floor and Awesome beats on him with a chair and back in with a splash for two. So Lance hits an eye poke and dropkick to a huge pop, and a northern lights suplex gets one because the Cat won’t count again. So Awesome hits him with a german suplex and running powerbomb, but now Jacques Rougeau hits the ring and lays out the Cat, taking over as official Canadian Rules referee. So Awesome destroys Jacques, but PCO makes his return now and the Quebecers do the cannonball on Awesome and Storm puts him in the Maple Leaf. But now Cat lays out the Quebecers single-handedly, but Elix Skipper makes his Nitro debut and takes out the Cat, and Rougeau calls for the bell at 4:28 to retain the title. Elix Skipper is Canadian? Apparently so. Match was a giant mess but at least it was better than whatever the PPV match was.

Meanwhile, Storm announces the formation of Team Canada, and awards Skipper the Cruiserweight title and Pierre the Hardcore title, thus solving the problem I was complaining about in the last paragraph.

WCW World title: Booker T v. Jeff Jarrett

Tony notes that these two men are the embodiment of what Russo meant by the New Blood, although again, a reminder that Jeff Jarrett debuted in 1986 and was a 14 year veteran with several repackages and runs near the top as a four time World champion by this point. They trade near-falls to start and Jeff clotheslines him for two, but Booker gets a bodypress for two. They fight to the floor and Jarrett runs him into the railing and back in for two as we go to the chinlock. Booker fights out and Jarrett goes back to it, so Booker comes back with clotheslines and Jarrett grabs the guitar and misses. Booker puts him down with the sidekick and decides to use the guitar, but he hits the ref by mistake. So he hits a spinebuster on Jarrett with another ref counting two, and follows with the axe kick, but then suddenly remembers the crippling knee injury he was suffering from the night before. So Jarrett hits the Stroke, but Goldberg pulls him out and destroys him for the DQ at 6:47. OH MY GOD HE’S SHOOTING AGAIN. So that’s how Jarrett’s last ever World title shot ends, and now he’ll have to, I dunno, start his own promotion if he ever wants to be World champion again, and that doesn’t seem very likely. Same Booker-Jarrett match we’ve seen a million times over, but with a bad finish this time. **3/4

Meanwhile, Scott Steiner explains basic anatomy in case we needed a refresher on how vocal cords can be connected to the anus.

Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title: Carl Oullette v. Norman Smiley

Man I hope Carl doesn’t get into any SHOOT FIGHTS with Kevin Nash tonight, since apparently Nash is still holding a grudge from 1994 or whenever that was. They immediately fight to the floor and Carl finds a table and the usual plunder before hitting Norman with a cannonball to the floor. I should note that they’re trying to make “The Rave” into a name for Carl, even though we already had a character named “Rave” just a couple of months ago. I mean granted that’s pretty far down the list of stupid things about WCW but still. Carl chokes out Norman and sets up a table in the corner, but Norman makes the comeback and does “The Saskatchewan Wiggle”. That’s actually what you do when it’s -30C and your long underwear is riding up on you. Oullette cuts him off with a short powerbomb and puts him on the table, but he misses the cannonball with the help of the ref, and Norman pins him to win the Hardcore title at 6:00. But Norman doesn’t want to be champion and the ref forces him to take the belt anyway. Usual hardcore junk here but at least it was as change of pace. *. I guess the story is that officials are against Team Canada already?

Meanwhile, The Cat is looking for someone to win the Cruiserweight title tonight, which intrigues Kwee Wee.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash won’t SHUT THE FUCK UP about Scott Hall.

WCW Tag team title: Vampiro & The Great Muta v. The Filthy Animals

So this was supposed to be the Animals’ mandated title match with Kronik, but they had a surprise tag title switch to the Dark Caramels at the PPV, so we get this instead. Meanwhile, Kronik and the Harrisseseseses brawl around ringside, setting up that thing which I care about seeing so much. Vamp hits Rey with a sideslam and the Dark Caravan double-teams him in the corner as Muta drops the elbow while Konnan takes over for Kronik on commentary and does his dumb shtick with Madden. Finally Tony also clarifies that Disco was supposed to be helping Jindrak & O’Haire at the PPV, because no one was able to figure it out at the time. The Dark Corleone sends Rey to the floor as I should note that Rey is literally wearing devil horns. Back in the ring, Rey makes the comeback with a facebuster on Vampiro and it’s hot tag to Juvy, I think. Are they babyfaces now? I’m kinda confused about what’s going on. Muta sprays green mist in Juvy’s face, but I’m sure that’s not the most toxic substance he’s had in his mouth anyway, and then Sting hits the ring and lays everyone out with the baseball bat, but Disco puts Rey on top of Muta for the pin and the titles at 6:13. Well that was quite the epic title reign for the Dark Carpel Tunnel. *1/2

Meanwhile, The Demon freaks out on the Cat and demands a four-corners match against Sting TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING.

Cruiserweight title: Elix Skipper v. Kwee Wee

They trade knee strikes to start and Skipper cradles for two. Exploder gets two. Kwee Wee snaps and puts the boots to Elix and suplexes him into the Tree of Woe, which gets two. He tosses Skipper, but charges and Skipper dives over him back into the ring and then dives onto Kwee Wee outside again. Back in, that gets two. Skipper with a Matrix bridge and a german suplex for two. Crossbody gets two. Skipper goes up with a missile dropkick, but misses a blind charge. Kwee Wee goes for a delayed brainbuster, but Skipper reverses to a DDT and then pulls out a Grey Cup ring, only for Kwee Wee to powerbomb him for two. Lariat gets two, but Skipper finally uses the ring and pins him to retain at 6:11. Skipper showed potential here and did some cool moves, but the crowd did not care AT ALL. This didn’t really “feel” like a Cruiserweight match as much as a match on national TV between two really green guys with ill-defined characters who happened to be smaller. Also he pulled out that ring and took another minute to actually use it, by which point everyone had forgotten he had it. No one can ever be a top guy using a diamond ring as a finisher anyway. *1/2. Really this was a strange way to debut him and put everyone in a bad situation. By the way, just to clarify, Skipper is not Canadian, and in fact was also not a former CFL player as billed. This wasn’t even a typical wrestling embellishment; he straight up didn’t even play football. I know, someone lying about a backstory in wrestling is shocking.

Sting v. The Demon v. Vampiro v. Great Muta

Everyone teams up on Sting in the corner and beats him down, but the Demon turns on Vampiro with the kendo stick while Sting beats Muta with the Scorpion Deathlock at 2:00. Poor Muta gets to job twice in the same show.

#1 Contender match: Kevin Nash v. Scott Steiner

Oh my god Nash is still talking about Scott Hall. So now he’s got a cardboard cutout of Hall, and “interviews” him before calling out Booker T. So Booker comes out, but Scott Steiner runs out and hits him with a lead pipe, so I guess he’s friends with Nash again? But then Goldberg pops up on the screen and puts Midajah through a table to end the show. So I guess Nash is still the #1 contender? And he was busy helping Booker afterwards so I guess Steiner wasn’t helping him? I don’t really understand what’s going on here. Story of my life with these shows.

I’d call this..uh..moderately better than New Blood Rising? Certainly it was easier to watch, I guess. And they broke up the triple crown before it became a booking albatross without jobbing Storm out, so that’s something to be proud of.