The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 07.31.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 07.31.00

We are deep in the weeds of Vince Russo now, my friends.

RIP Gordon Solie, 1929-2000. I can’t even imagine what he would have thought about these shitshow episodes.

Live from Cincinnati, OH, drawing 5840 and 3566 paid. This show got absolutely CLOBBERED in the ratings by RAW, with the WWF at times beating them threefold.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson & Mark Madden

Booker T joins us to start, apparently with a horribly injured knee, and frankly I’m shocked he hasn’t dropped the title yet given the average title reign of WCW champions in 2000. But Booker assures us that you’ll have to kill him in order to take the title from him, making him the only person in the promotion who actually gives a crap about that belt. Apparently he’s the champion because the people in charge couldn’t not listen to the voices of the people of WCW. Is that even a sentence? Bless his heart, talking isn’t his strong suit. Anyway, Booker offers a title shot to Sting, but Jeff Jarrett interrupts and it’s slapnuts and chosen one and they brawl in the aisle of this sad, tiny arena until Jarrett puts him down with a chairshot and then gives him a figure-four while tied in the ropes. I’m curious how the physics of that are supposed to work. But then Sting makes the save and takes off his balaclava to reveal that he’s fine underneath, thus rendering the whole extended storyline with Vampiro completely pointless, and he accepts the match with Booker. So Jarrett pulls Booker’s wife out of the audience and hits her with the guitar for some cheap heat as we head to the break.

It’s not Jarrett is a BAD challenger, but he’s been in EVERY. SINGLE. PPV. WORLD. TITLE. MATCH of 2000 and it’s the same character for months on end with absolutely no changes.

Big Vito v. Buff Bagwell

Indeed, we are prepping for the JUDY BAGWELL ON A POLE MATCH at the PPV, so Judy joins on commentary. “Why does she keep coming out here?” wonders Mark Madden. I’m wondering the exact same thing. Vito drops Buff on the top rope and puts the boots to him. Apparently Buff’s dad died recently, which brought up a story about how Steve Bagwell had been abusing Judy and young Marcus shot him in the stomach with a hunting rifle to save her. That’s pretty messed up. They fight to the floor and Bagwell is all paranoid about who might actually be Kanyon, because he’s such a master of disguise and all, and back in for a superplex and double arm DDT that gets two. Buff keeps going after cameramen on the floor, thinking that they’re Kanyon, but that allows Vito to cradle him for the fluke pin at 3:24.

Meanwhile, Kwee Wee asks the Cat for a match with the Artist, and Cat’s amusement at the idea makes Kwee Wee ANGRY.

Meanwhile, Positively Kanyon is going to make Judy Bagwell his new valet after winning the Judy Bagwell on a Pole Match at the PPV. And then he goes to give Pam Paulshock a Kanyon Kutter, but Mean Gene comes in to save and takes the move instead. So Buff Bagwell runs in and gives Kanyon his own DDT on the concrete.

The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea v. Kwee Wee

The Artist is in his butch period, dressed like the Brooklyn Brawler without the street cred. Artist drops a leg on Kwee Wee and slaps him down, but Kwee Wee is enraged and makes a comeback, slugging him down and dropkicking him. I don’t really understand this character. Artist goes low to stop the rally and messes up the hair, but Kwee Wee fights back again and then misses a blind charge. Artist with a german suplex for two, but Kwee Wee suplexes him for two. Spinning facebuster thing finishes for Kwee Wee at 3:20. This whole match made no sense and I don’t even know who was supposed to be the babyface. There’s Vince Russo in a nutshell for ya. Also just in general what the fuck is the point of this?

Meanwhile, Scott Steiner is also upset about the World title match tonight and he beats up various people to show it.

Meanwhile, Misfits in Action are declaring war on CANADA. Lucky us.

WCW Canadian & Hardcore title v. Cruiserweight title: Lance Storm v. Chavo Guerrero

Before the match, Lance renames the belt the Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title, to give it some class. See it’s funny because it spells SHIT. Just like this show. Loco attacks, but Lance sends him to the floor and beats on him out there. Back in the ring, Loco beats on Storm in the corner while Lash does the worst color commentary this side of Judy Bagwell. They trade cradles for two and Lance kicks him down and they trade cradles again for two, but Storm blocks a rana with the half-crab and adds the Cruiserweight title to his collection at 3:34. The announcers wonder if anyone has ever held three title at once before. ULTIMO DRAGON HAD NINE TITLES ON THIS GODDAMN SHOW JUST THREE YEARS AGO. Tony was literally doing commentary for his matches week after week. It was a very famous set of titles. These people are fucking morons. Anyway, this would probably be more effective if they gave it more than 3 minutes per week but it was a cool idea to get Storm over. * for best match of the show honors thus far! Oh, never mind getting Storm over, here comes Kevin Nash to immediately punk Storm out like a complete jobber and send him packing, my mistake.

Kevin Nash does a promo after the break, here to tell us bullshit stories about how great he is and how he once beat PCO in Quebec because Pierre refused to do a job in Montreal the night before. So he’s also gonna SHOOT on Goldberg in Vancouver and he still won’t shut up about Scott Hall. SCOTT HALL IS NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Stop trying to make it happen. Also what does Nash have to do with Goldberg? I thought Goldberg was feuding with Scott Steiner? Thankfully, Scott Steiner interrupts this trainwreck of a promo that’s apparently directed to like 10 guys backstage who actually understand what the fuck he’s talking about, and he wants to fight right now. How did Nash even get involved in this storyline? He hasn’t even been on TV in a month. I don’t understand anything on this show.

Meanwhile, the Cat books a straitjacket match between Nash and Steiner TONIGHT. But how will he flip his hair without his arms free?

Jeff Jarrett v. Sting

So I guess before Sting faces Booker tonight, he gets to face Jeff Jarrett. Sting quickly hits the bulldog and clotheslines JJ to the floor as they hype up Sting’s big match with the DEMON at New Blood Rising. Oh man I am not looking forward to redoing that show. They fight on the floor and Jarrett wraps his knee around the post and then does his wacky figure-four in the ropes, drawing a count from the ref. I don’t understand how that move hurts. Jeff works on the knee, but Sting makes the comeback and slugs away. So Jarrett kicks the ref in the nuts and hits Sting with a chair, which gets two. Sting comes back with the death drop on the chair and gets the pin at 4:37. What was the point of this match and that finish? Jarrett is challenging for the title in two weeks!

Meanwhile, Jeff gets taken out in the ambulance, and Booker shows up at the arena again while the Rooster celebrates Jarrett getting injured.

WCW World tag team title: Kronik v. Vampiro & The Great Muta v. Mark Jindrak & Sean O’Haire

So last week we had a complete trainwreck of a cage match to earn a title shot at the PPV, and now there’s another random three-way match on TV for the tag titles with a team who wasn’t even in the contender’s match. Jindrak gets double-teamed by Kronik but comes back with a dropkick for two. Palumbo & Stasiak join us on commentary with HILARIOUS jokes about how Brian Adams has the same name as the famous singer and Sean O’Haire is really green. THAT’S GOLD, JERRY, GOLD. This only takes about 3 minutes to go completely off the rails as the Dark Carnies awkwardly get Clark in the corner and do some terrible wrestling with him. Wait, Clark was the Night Stalker, shouldn’t he join the Dark Caramel as well? So everyone is just wandering around the ring and doing stuff at random, and O’Haire hits the swanton bomb on Muta for the pin at 5:38, apparently winning the tag titles, but Kronik somehow retains because reasons. Whatever that finish was supposed to be, they fucked it up badly. I don’t even understand what happened and honestly I don’t care at this point. -**

Meanwhile, the Cat books Shane Douglas in the infamous VIAGRA ON A POLE MATCH.

Viagra on a Pole match: Shane Douglas v. Billy Kidman

Honestly I’m surprised that WCW didn’t try to save a few bucks by using generic ED drugs on a pole. Tony explains the rules of the match but no one cares. I DON’T CARE. This show has nearly broken me. Douglas hits Kidman with a kneelift, but charges and gets backdropped to the floor. Back in the ring, Shane necks him on the top rope and adds the rolling neck snap while Tony clarifies that there is SERIOUS HEAT here in this match with Viagra on a pole set up by a fake sex tape angle while Madden makes unfunny jokes about Viagra matches through history. Douglas goes for the finisher, but Kidman fights back until Douglas puts him down with the fisherman’s suplex. Shane tries to climb for the bottle, but he can’t get up, and they trade suplexes while fighting to be the first person to get the bottle. Kidman hits an Unprettier and grabs the old-timey glass bottle like something out of a 1900s pharmacy, but Douglas steals the bottle and apparently he’s the winner at 5:20. Yeah sure whatever.

Hardcore match: Miss Hancock v. Major Gunns

They start bitching at each other backstage and brawl into the shower, before Gunns drags her to the catering table for a food fight. Oh and the Wall has joined the MIA at some point as Sgt. AWOL and he’s in the ring fighting with David Flair for unexplained reasons. So the ladies head into the ring and Hancock whips Gunns into the table and pins her at 2:22. Horrible.

Meanwhile, Kidman has swallowed a bunch of the Viagra, so the Nitro Girls all want to fuck him. HILARIOUS.

Straitjacket match: Scott Steiner v. Kevin Nash

Nash beats on Steiner with the elbows in the corner and flips the hair before adding the choke, at which point Midajah runs in and pulls him off and Scott gets the belly to belly. But there’s no ref here. Why? Wasn’t this a straitjacket match or something? So they fight to the floor and Scott runs him into the railing. I don’t even understand what the rules are supposed to be here. Back in the ring, Nash slugs away and drops him with Snake Eyes and a chokeslam, but Midajah comes in again with a chairshot that Nash shrugs off and then powerbombs her. So then Rick Steiner comes in and SHOCKINGLY Nash beats him up as well, but now Scott hits Nash with the chair and Big Kev finally sells something. The Steiners put Nash in the jacket as the match grinds to a halt and Scott stops to yell at the front row as the match just stops and they play his music. What was I even watching there? Embarrassingly terrible even by the low standards of Kevin Nash matches in 2000 and I don’t even understand the rules. -*. When the matches are bad and don’t even make any sense based on their own internal logic of the stipulation, it just makes you feel stupid and angry for wasting your time watching it.

WCW World title: Booker T v. Sting

So this is of course a rematch from last week when they stuck Sting into a fan vote and he accidentally won, only for Goldberg to take him out and injure him so badly that he was taken out in an ambulance, which was never mentioned again. Sting clotheslines him out of the corner and goes for the deathlock right away, but Booker gets the ropes. Sting tries it again, but Booker comes back with the axe kick for two. They collide on a crossbody in the middle and Sting falls all the way to the floor, at which point a mysterious figure drags Sting under the ring. Back in the ring, Sting is now bleeding, but he fights back anyway, and Booker rolls him up for two. Sting with a DDT for two, but Booker finishes with the Bookend at 5:13. So then Sting goes under the ring and finds THE DEMON under there to continue that thrilling feud, and the Dark Caravan hits the ring for a beatdown on Sting, and Jeff Jarrett is also back after getting taken out in ambulance earlier and he attacks Booker and then attaches something to Booker’s knee and has him hung from the ceiling upside-down while Sting gets put in a coffin and set on fire. Off-screen.

So uh that was a lot.

Oh and Vince Russo is coming back to TV on Thunder to do a promo about how unfair everyone in WCW has been treating him, so there’s that to look forward to as well. Thankfully I think we’ve only got six or seven more episodes with his brilliance before he suffers a brain annerism and gets fired. This show gave me a brain annerism.