The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 07.18.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 07.18.00

Ever tried to repair a bathroom exhaust fan? Not recommended.

This was a special Tuesday show due to programming conflicts on TNT.

Live from Auburn Hills, MI, drawing 9000 but only 3900 paid.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden & Stevie Ray, as Scott Hudson has been relegated to doing the voiceover for the opening promo. The gist of it is that Scott Steiner has gone CRAZY and smashed up a bunch of people and cars and stuff.

Commissioner Cat joins us to start with a harem of women, and he announces that tonight he’s doing a tournament for the US title! Oh sweet, I remember really liking this show at the time. Cat reads off the matches, but Scott Steiner hits the ring with a pipe and he’s pissed off about being left out of the tournament and demands a title shot TONIGHT to make it up to him. Booker makes the save, but Rick Steiner hits the ring and joins in the beatdown, but Stevie Ray leaves the desk and they all brawl. And Cat waits for security to hold everyone back before talking shit to Scott Steiner and tells him to kiss his ass before booking him against Goldberg instead of a title shot. So I’m assuming that’s the official end of the Goldberg heel run. Also kind of interesting that this seemingly was setting up a Harlem Heat v. Steiner Brothers reunion match and they went in a totally different direction with it.

Meanwhile, Judy Bagwell is backstage with a neck brace after taking a Kanyon Kutter on Thunder.

Back at the desk, Tony lays out the main event, but Jeff Jarrett pops out of nowhere and lays out Stevie Ray with the guitar, which was apparently a message to Booker T before the PPV. Well I guess if the first 20 attempts to push Jarrett as a main eventer by hitting people with his guitar failed miserably, keep trying until it takes.

US title quarterfinals: Mike Awesome v. Positively Kanyon

Madden notes that Awesome is now “The Fat Chick Thriller”, which was sadly a nickname that Russo made sure would stick for a while. Awesome is now a babyface after last week and he hits Kanyon with a back elbow out of the corner and follows with a flying clothesline and big splash for two. Buff Bagwell joins us for commentary, with his mom in the neck brace, and I have no idea how this is supposed to be a babyface move for him. Like that’s a complete Owen Hart type of heel gag. Awesome tosses Kanyon and hits him with a tope con hilo, but even though he’s a babyface, Madden is cheering for him. Awesome sets up the table at ringside, but Kanyon goes low and puts him through it with a Kanyon Kutter. So with Awesome dispatched, he goes after Judy Bagwell again and gives her something like a snapmare on the floor. She’s still better than Shane Douglas at this point. In the ring, Buff lays out Kanyon with the Blockbuster while the ref is busy with Awesome, and Mike gets two from that. Kanyon fights back with a backslide for two, but Awesome drops him with a release german suplex and follows with a running powerbomb to finish at 4:45. That was 100% a Johnny Ace finish because Russo would have just had Awesome pin after the ref bump. And then Russo gets his bit by having a women throw her giant cartoon underwear into the ring after the win. ***

Meanwhile, Pam Paulshock tries to flirt with with Lance Storm, but Lance Storm is SERIOUS and he doesn’t sing or dance or smile. Because he’s from CALGARY, ALBERTA, CANADA. Well Calgarians do dance but it’s usually stupid cowboy line dancing shit, yee haw. Anyway it’s funny but typically WCW that they introduced Lance by having the Filthy Animals mock his catchphrase and now a month later they’re finally introducing his catchphrase to people.

Meanwhile, Buff sends his mom home with John Bagwell, his previously unseen brother.

US title quarterfinals: Buff Bagwell v. Lance Storm

Lance does a “you people” promo on the crowd to explain his heel turn. And then Buff proves his point about disrespectful Americans by attacking Lance during the Canadian national anthem. Buff puts him down with a back elbow, but Lance hits him with a jawbreaker. Bagwell with a backdrop and he slugs away in the corner and gets two. Lance beats on him with chops, but Buff puts him down with a double arm DDT. But then we get a shot of the parking lot on the big screen that we can’t see very well, and Buff is distracted by his mom getting kidnapped or whatever, and Storm rolls him into the half-crab to finish at 2:15. See now that was a standard Russo finish. *

Meanwhile, the Cat’s game is interrupted the Jung Dragons, but Stevie Ray makes the save for Cat, because he doesn’t understand the gag and thinks they’re really attacking Cat. So Cat books him against Jeff Jarrett tonight and then goes to finish his martial arts battle.

Meanwhile, we actually get to see the security footage now, and it’s Kanyon kidnapping Judy out of the car and giving her another Kanyon Kutter off-screen. Admittedly there’s a certain stupid charm to the angle but Buff Bagwell wasn’t the guy to make it work properly.

US title quarterfinals: Vampiro v. The Great Muta

This is the debut of Insane Clown Posse as Vampiro’s backup as “The Dark Carnival”, and Demon is hanging out with them as well. Muta thankfully kicks ICP’s asses, but Vamp beats Muta down and goes up with a flying leg lariat for two. Vamp misses a senton and Muta comes back with the power elbow and takes him down with a double wristlock on the mat. Muta puts the boots to him in the corner, but Vamp rolls him up for two as even Muta can’t get heat from the crowd. He was guaranteed babyface pops for years on end even when he was super lazy. Vampiro with a handspring elbow that misses and Muta gets a rana for two and goes up with the moonsault to finish at 4:00 in a fairly shocking upset. Crowd didn’t care but they had a pretty damn good match for what it was. **3/4. And then Vampiro turns on Demon and beats him down to take out his frustrations. Also, and I know this is gonna shock you, Vampiro threw a fit about doing a job backstage and had to be talked into it by management.

Meanwhile, Norman Smiley arrives and has a bad meeting with Scott Steiner.

US title quarterfinals: Shane Douglas v. Billy Kidman

Torrie of course does a promo beforehand talking about how she spent years faking it with Kidman because he couldn’t do the job in bed, which is of course the dumbest thing you can do if you’re in a real relationship in wrestling. So Kidman attacks, I guess to show he’s got passion, but Douglas lays him out and hits him with a gourdbuster and rolling neck snap. Kidman comes back and backdrops Douglas onto the floor and they brawl out there, but Douglas runs Kidman into the post RIGHT IN THE NUTS, but Kidman somehow shrugs it off and keeps fighting. Kdiman with a top rope rana and they slug it out, but Kidman makes a comeback with elbows until Torrie trips him up and Shane hits the Pittsburgh Plunger for two. Kidman rolls him up for two, but Torrie hits Kidman with a chair and Shane gets two. Douglas tries a press slam and Kidman reverses into a bulldog on the way down, for two. But then Douglas finishes with the French-Frieser at 4:00 in a weird finish where the ref stepped counting at two because Kidman was supposed to kick out, but then he didn’t, so they just called for the bell and Douglas advances. Another really good 4 minute TV match, and I liked that they did the bullshit interference but it didn’t lead to the finish in any way. ***

Meanwhile, Goldberg arrives but doesn’t realize Scott Steiner is waiting for him.

Three Count joins us with a ladder, as they’re apparently facing the Jung Dragons in a fresh new matchup at the PPV, with the gold record on the line. And so we do the match right now too.

Three Count v. The Jung Dragons

They immediately try climbing the ladder and Jamie bumps off it when Shannon pushes it over. So the Dragons put the ladder on the corner and Jamie does a superplex on Shannon off that, trying desperately to maintain his balance. We get some guys jumping off the top and Karagias does the Terry Funk ladder spin to take everyone out before making the climb, and Tank is so excited that he has to dance. So the Dragons push the ladder over and Evan lands on Tank, allowing Jamie to climb up and claim the record to win at 3:00. Generally you would shoot the angle where the bad guys steal the Macguffin BEFORE you announce the match to pay it off, but never let it be said that Russo is confined by storytelling tropes like “continuity” and “timelines”.

Meanwhile, Goldberg and Scott Steiner get into a brawl backstage.

US title tournament semifinals: Mike Awesome v. Great Muta

Awesome catches Muta in a bearhug and tosses him with a suplex, but misses a blind charge and and Muta slugs him in the corner. Dropkick puts Awesome on the floor and they brawl to the announce table, where Muta accidentally mists Mark Madden but hits the sunglasses to save his vision. Back in the ring, Awesome catches Muta with the running powerbomb and pins him at 3:50. Not much to this one after Muta already worked the one match and pretty much did all his stuff. **

Meanwhile, Mark Madden goes to KWEE WEE to get his shirt cleaned, but the shirt isn’t up to Kwee Wee’s standards and he merely glares at it in disgust. Well Allan Funk is certainly committed to this dumb bit at least.

US Title tournament semifinals: Shane Douglas v. Lance Storm

They fight to the floor and Torrie attacks Lance, allowing Douglas to take over and run him into the railing. Back in the ring, Shane gets a high cross for two and adds the rolling necksnap, which Mark Madden rejoins the desk with a new shirt. Storm goes after the leg while Kidman watches from the ramp, and a superkick gets two. Shane with the belly to belly, and that gets two. They trade small packages, but Storm pokes him in the eyes and rolls him into the half-crab to finish at 4:34. Goddman, another good short TV match tonight. **1/2

Stevie Ray v. Jeff Jarrett

Stevie attacks and hits JJ with the big boot and a powerslam before taking him to the announce table and beating him up there. Back in the ring, Jeff catches him with a cheapshot and puts the boots to him. This brings Rick Steiner out while Stevie hits the SLAPJACK, but Rick takes the ref and Jarrett finishes with The Stroke at 2:30. At least it was short and the finish made sense. * It’s another brawl afterwards, as Booker makes the save and chases off the heels.

Meanwhile, Scott Steiner is still really angry and takes it out on an innocent locker room while Goldberg does stretches.

US title tournament finals: Lance Storm v. Mike Awesome

They immediately brawl on the floor as Awesome interrupts the national anthem and Madden thinks Mike won’t be getting any fat chick action in Vancouver next month because of that. “I wouldn’t be so sure knowing Mike Awesome!” notes Tony in the weirdest flex possible. Storm legdrops Awesome on a chair for two and beats on Awesome with chops in the corner and drops a pair of elbows for two. Awesome comes back with a powerbomb and puts him down with a clothesline for two. Awesome with a corner splash and he goes up with a flying splash, but Storm gets the knees up and comes back with a tornado DDT. Awesome grabs the ropes to block on the way down for an awkward double down, and they fight to the top as Storm brings him down with a superplex for two. Awesome with an overhead suplex, but he goes for the powerbomb and Storm rolls him into the Maple Leaf and Awesome taps clean as a sheet to make Storm the US champion at 5:00. ***. Luckily Awesome has some ladies to console him after the loss.

Scott Steiner v. Goldberg

The Observer bemoans giving away the planned Starrcade 2000 main event in July on free TV, but of course by the time we got there Goldberg was long gone and the company was moving in a completely different direction anyway. Cat is the special referee here. Steiner puts him down with the clothesline and elbow to start, but Goldberg fires back with the butterfly suplex. Spear misses and Scott hits him with a suplex and stops for pushups, but Goldberg fires back with a Warrior shoulderblock and slugs him down. Goldberg with the gorilla press into the snap powerslam, which was one of my favorite moves in WCW Revenge needless to say, but Scott hits him with the belly to belly and puts him in the Recliner. Cat tells him to break the hold because they remember that it’s outlawed this week, so Scott takes him out. Booker runs in and attacks Goldberg, but then Kevin Nash does a walk-in while drinking a beer, apparently trying to fill the void left by Steve Austin. So he powerbombs Goldberg and Steiner, setting up a three-way at the PPV, and it’s some kind of Sports Entertainment Finish at 5:00 as they book a PPV main event between Goldberg and Scott Steiner on TV and somehow Kevin Nash is the one who goes over in the end.

This was a really great show, actually, as they nailed the perfect formula for dealing with Vince Russo by having him throw out all his “creative” ideas and short TV matches, and then Johnny Ace edited him with better finishes. The result was a fast-paced show that didn’t insult your intelligence or over-use gaga screwjobs to the point where they had to lampshade “no interference allowed” rules in order to combat it. Unfortunately I don’t think it lasts much longer but this was without a doubt one of the best Nitros of 2000 so far and a format I would have happily watched moving forward.