The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 07.03.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 07.03.00

Last Russo-less show, so enjoy it while it lasts. Although I think we’re done with Bischoff for good.

Live from Charleston, WV, drawing 6300 with 5400 paid.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden & Scott Hudson

Meanwhile, the Cat is on the phone with Bischoff and recaps the Thunder angle where he suspended Scott Steiner for using the Recliner. So Mike Awesome bursts in and fogs up Cat’s shades with his hot breath, but apparently he has the match he wanted. And there’s four ambulances outside, in case Adam Cole is going to be wrestling.

Tank Abbott joins us, wearing a Three Count shirt, and he chases off DJ Ran and brings out Three Count. Helms tries to cut a promo, but Tank thankfully tells him to shut up and sing the song. A fan in the audience has a sign that asks “But Why?” I think we can all say the answer in unison: BECAUSE WCW.

Three Count v. The Jung Dragons

I feel like the Trios division in WCW could use some expansion now. They all brawl and Helms immediately gets injured and taken out by the trainers, so Tank goes in and takes his place on the apron (standing on the wrong side of the corner) while Evan gets worked over by the Dragons. Kaz charges and hits the post, setting up a dive from Karagias and Jamie-San and Shannon, but then Tank tags himself in and knocks out Jimmy Yang at 3:20 with one punch. This was very goofy but not actively offensive or anything. *1/2

Meanwhile, Big Kev arrives late as usual.

Meanwhile, The Cat was very impressed by the Jung Dragons and has a proposition for them.

Meanwhile, Mike Awesome powerbombs a crew member through a table.

Meanwhile, we take a special look at the Outsiders, but Goldberg storms into the truck and shuts the video off. Nash is disgusted, because there’s nothing he loves more than watching videos about himself and how great he is.

Goldberg joins us, and he wants YOU PEOPLE to know some stuff. For instance, Hall and Nash are pieces of garbage, but Big Kev interrupts and he wants to fight RIGHT NOW. Luckily, security is there to break it up so that he doesn’t have to potentially work twice in a week, and the Cat sends the show to commercial.

Johnny the Bull v. Terry Funk

This is Johnny’s final test before facing Big Vito, as Terry wants to personally motivate Johnny by beating him up in a hardcore match. This has been low key a pretty good story arc, I have to say. So Funk beats Johnny down to the ring with a trash can and then hits him with a chair a few times, and then he wedges the chair in the corner and runs him into it. Out to the floor and Terry tosses a chair at his back and runs him into the announce table. Johnny kicks the chair back at Funk and they fight into the crowd, where Johnny piledrives him on the chair…on the concrete. I feel like the concrete would hurt more but I’m not a wrestler so I could be wrong. So Johnny pulls Funk back to ringside and puts a chair on his face, and then does his terrifying move where he jumps onto the top rope and then legdrops him to the floor with a springboard. However it took him two tries as he nearly lost his balance on the first one and had to redo it. Back in the ring, Johnny gets a small package for two, and then hits Funk with an unprotected shot with the chair for two. DDT on the chair finishes at 6:31. This started as a fun romp and then got absolutely terrifying and uncomfortable at the end with the chairshots and dangerous dive.

OK, so being WCW, of course this match has a crazy story behind it. Johnny’s incredibly dangerous-looking legdrop was, in fact, incredibly dangerous and he broke his pelvis doing the move despite the warnings of everyone in the dressing room who told him not to do it. So when they got back into the ring, Johnny told Funk to pin him and go home, but Funk wasn’t scheduled to win. So Terry did what was apparently a reverse shoot on Johnny, forcing him to kick out of the cradle because he wanted to make sure Johnny got over because the fans were so into the match. And he then walked Johnny through the DDT spot so that he could go over. Unfortunately it was all wasted, because Johnny was out for months afterwards and by the time he returned, the whole thing had been dropped and forgotten. ***. Funk should have just won the match and wrestled Vito to pay it off. But still, wrestling, man. It’s crazy sometimes.

Meanwhile, during the rehearsals, Vampiro uses MAGIC PYRO to attack Asya. And then we join things back in the present, as Vampiro dresses as a mysterious hooded figure who turns out to be Sting but then turns out to be Vampiro, and gives Dale Torborg the Demon costume. But there’s ANOTHER hooded figure watching THAT hooded figure in the background, who I presume is really Sting.

Mark Jindrak & Sean O’Haire v. General Rection & Corporal Cajun

Lash Leroux recently popped up on Twitter bitching that the match with the women dressed as Super Mario characters was somehow violating the sanctity of wrestling. Meanwhile, he’s teaming with GENERAL RECTION here in 2000. Sit the fuck down, mon ami. Jindrak dodges a charge from Rection and O’Haire comes in off a Jindrak dropkick for two. Sean goes up and Rection slams him off the top and then does a Rocket Launcher to put Lash on top for two. O’Haire & Jindrak double-team him in the corner and hit a double biel for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Rection goes up to finish, but Jindrak slams him off the top and O’Haire gets two. But then Cajun slams Jindrak with his dealie and Rection moonsaults O’Haire for the pin at 4:10. The match was a mess and this was the wrong finish. DUD The NBT had some good momentum after their debut last week and this was the time to continue putting them over strong, especially against clowns like MIA. Afterwards, Palumbo & Stasiak hit the ring and try to attack both teams, but they all team up and chase them off. So MIA gets a tag title shot next week, which at least is booking something a week in advance.

Meanwhile, Awesome smashes another innocent bystander.

Meanwhile, the Cat comes up with an idea for Kevin Nash and Goldberg tonight, and dances to celebrate his own genius.

Jeff Jarrett joins us, and the Observer notes that there’s a lot of bullshit and rumors floating around about the PPV match against Hogan. Who, by the way, hasn’t even been on TV in a month despite supposedly main eventing the show. The story at this point was that Jeff Jarrett was booked to go over, but he pulled the creative control clause because that didn’t work for him, brother. Of course, Hulk never actually used the creative control according to Hulk, so I’m sure that’s not correct. Anyway, Jeff talks about his grandpa spending his nickel to go see the great Hulk Hogan back in the day. And now he’s going to give Hogan a sendoff by bring out the fat ladies to sing. So he does just that, bringing out three ladies dressed as opera Valkyries, and they sing the goodbye song to Hulk. Which is ironic, because it turns out that we already saw the last of Hulk Hogan on Nitro three weeks ago and didn’t even realize it. So then someone from Standards & Practices comes out to shut down the segment, but Jarrett hits him with the guitar. Wow, what a go-home angle for the World title this was. This was actually one of the worst segments they’ve done in 2000, which says a lot. The guy from S&P was introduced as “Gaylen Chandler”, which sounds like a made-up Russo name, but there really was a Gaylen Chandler who worked in S&P but refused to do the angle, so they hired a guy to take the bump and I guess used the name as an inside baseball reference to him that must have been hilarious for the 3 people aware of his existence.

Shane Douglas v. Booker T

Positively Kanyon hangs out at ringside, so Booker goes after him on the floor and that allows Shane to get a cheapshot and take over in the ring. Booker gets the rollup for two, but Douglas clotheslines him down again. Booker with the axe kick and spinarooni, but then he goes after Kanyon again and Douglas charges and misses. Booker with a rollup for two, and then finishes with a fucked up Bookend at 2:13. This was bad. ½*. Afterwards the heels lay out Booker, and this was not the PPV go-home angle for a guy about to get the World title and supposedly turn the company around.

Meanwhile, the Demon is back. Just accept it.

Meanwhile, the Cat books a 20 man battle royale and tells all the heels in the back to play ball with him and he’ll make it worth their while.

The Demon v. Vampiro

They slug it out and Vampiro beats him down right away and hits him with a spinkick before going up and missing a legdrop. So then a bunch of hooded monks in Sting masks come out and surround the ring, and Vampiro is so distracted that he gets pinned with a chokeslam at 2:40. I don’t even understand what the point of this feud was supposed to be. So the Stings all attack Vampiro, but the lights go out and Vamp vanishes. Yeah that seemed to happen to him every time he was getting a push. DUD

Meanwhile, Cat continues berating the locker room, calling Kidman a “virgin” and tells them all to keep Goldberg and Nash apart in the battle royale. Obviously this was a pretape because Johnny the Bull is there and he would have been carried off in an ambulance an hour earlier.

Meanwhile, David Flair tries to make up with Daffney while watching Miss Hancock in the monitor at the same time.

Miss Hancock joins us in a wedding dress, but Crowbar interrupts her dancing and threatens to shave her hair off. Um, I think he’s a little late…oh wait I guess he means her head. So David Flair comes out to save, but Daffney hits him in the nuts and dumps Pepto Bismol on him in an hilarious payoff. So Crowbar breaks up a catfight between Daffney and Hancock, but Hancock essentially offers to give Crowbar a blowjob, allowing David to hit him with a chair and then the heels cut Daffney’s hair. And then they put the clippers in Crowbar’s hand to make Daffney think that he did it. So then Crowbar chases Daffney to the back to explain the situation, but Mike Awesome jumps him and powerbombs him through a table.

Meanwhile, MI Smooth introduces the Cat to Tigress.

Konnan & Disco Inferno join us, and they bring out “Lance Storm and Billy Kidman”, which gives us our favorite Russo trope, PEOPLE DRESSED UP AS OTHER PEOPLE. This would be Rey as Storm and Juvy as Kidman and it’s about as terrible as you can imagine. The main problem is that Rey going “Calgary Alberta Canada” doesn’t mean anything to anyone outside of the ECW hardcores who understand the reference. Granted it’s hilarious today. But then the real people come out and we have a match.

Lance Storm & Billy Kidman v. Rey Mysterio & Juventud Guerrera

The babyfaces double-team Juvy and Storm gets a press slam for two, but the Animals cut him off and Rey comes in with a legdrop for two. Juvy with a rana on Storm, but Lance necks him on the top rope and Kidman gets the hot tag and cleans house. Storm with a flying legdrop on Juvy for two, but the Animals hit a double team facejam on Kidman for two. Everyone brawls outside and a chair gets involved, as Rey slams Kidman on the chair and pins him at 3:53. Fine for what it was. **

Mike Awesome joins us and complains about people calling him a mullet, desperately hoping for fans to chant “mullet”, but can’t get many takers. So he calls out Scott Steiner, who had a hell of a mullet a couple of years before this, but Scott isn’t here tonight, so Rick Steiner hits the ring and kicks his ass. So I guess Rick ended up the babyface after his breakup with Tank. This show has some incredibly ass-backwards booking of people that they’re supposedly trying to make into big stars. One guess why that might be.

Main Event Battle Royale

The Cat tells the babyfaces to stay back, so the heels start coming out one by one, allowing Kevin Nash to single-handedly beat them all up without so much as selling a punch. Didn’t we JUST see this act from Nash and relentlessly mock it already? So then the babyfaces finally figure that there’s 10 of them and one of the Cat, so Booker just shoves him aside and the faces all go out to make the save for Big Sexy, who hasn’t even so much as taken a bump yet and didn’t need saving. But then Nash clears everyone out of the ring and Goldberg finally makes his entrance and superkicks Nash, only for Nash to boot him over the top and apparently win the battle royale in 3:00.

Wow this show sure ended the hot streak of watchable Nitro shows with a plop. Some all-time terrible segments in this one and this basically killed any desire I have to watch Bash at the Beach 2000. But I guess that’s part of the job, so next time: It’s WCW BASH AT THE BEACH 2000.

I’m kinda dreading this one, not gonna lie.