The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 06.12.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 06.12.00

Yes, it’s the night after WCW Great American Bash 2000, featuring THE ULTIMATE SWERVE. The swerve so big that there’s nothing Vince McMahon could do about it! Vince called up his people and asked “What can I do about this swerve?” and they told him “SIR….NOTHING! Now let me get you a nice steak wrap.” I’m still personally reeling from the shock myself. I was so shook that I gave a Britt Baker match four stars!

Live from Richmond, VA, drawing 4723 with the usual half freebies, and a 3.0 rating.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson & Mark Madden, and Hudson is being forced to do the show without his shirt because he was making fun of Russo’s physique on the PPV.

Eric Bischoff & Vince Russo join us to start, having now saved WCW with the Goldberg heel turn here in this arena that’s one-quarter full and filled with free tickets. So Goldberg joins us and clarifies that the question is not why, it’s WHY THE HELL NOT. And then he gives us a YOU PEOPLE interview two decades before WWE made it cool, showing that this show really was a trendsetter. So yeah, he was sick of everyone backstage trying to screw him over when he came back, so now he’s gonna squash evreryone. Fair enough. This brings out Kevin Nash, who is unable to listen to any more shit from Goldberg, claiming that guys like himself and Hulk Hogan and Sting made Goldberg. Well only one of those names actually put Goldberg over, but do carry on. And Nash decides to hit the ring and handle things himself, but Goldberg hides behind the cops like a COWARD and Big Sexy gets maced and handcuffed. But then Russo wants him released because he wants RATINGS, so it’s Nash v. Goldberg tonight.

Man that arena looks scary empty and tiny.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett bumps into the Cat and asks for a World title match tonight. Cat: “Can I do that?” Jeff clarifies that he sure can. Wait, Jeff’s already the champion, why is he asking for a title match?

Meanwhile, Nash gets put in the cop car to cool off, and some kid is standing around, as the announcers have to clarify that it’s Nash’s nephew because otherwise we wouldn’t know who it is. Also the announcers clarify that it’s HULK HOGAN getting the title match against Jarrett tonight instead of the PPV upcoming, although then they further clarify that Hulk Hogan isn’t actually here.

WCW Hardcore title: Big Vito v. Terry Funk

Johnny the Bull is busy having a crap, so Vito locks him in the bathroom so he can defend the belt himself. Funk attacks in the back and they brawl by the doors, with Vito running him into stuff. But then Funk traps him under the rolling door and beats on him with a chair, then chases him back to the dressing rooms and into catering for some vicious empty water bottle shots. They fight into the arena and slug it out in a dancing cage, and Funk bumps through a table beside the set. Back up the ramp and Vito sets up a table after ramming Funk into it a bunch of times. Into the ring for the first time, Vito hits an implant DDT on a chair and Funk pops up, so Vito hits him with a chair and Funk bumps over the top rope and is hanging over the apron, and then Vito piledrives him off the apron and through the table for the pin at 6:25. I LOVED this match, as they actually dispensed with the stupid bullshit and took it seriously for once. ***1/2. And afterwards, Funk shakes Vito’s hand and puts him over, but Vito blindsides him with the belt and lays him out again.

Meanwhile, a mysterious hooded figure wants more Sting v. Vampiro matches, even though Vampiro is like the rest of us and just wants the feud to end. According to the Observer this was supposed to be Christopher Daniels but I forget if it actually paid off with anything. Like I have zero memory of this so I assume it was just a thing that happened and then got forgotten.

Meanwhile, Nash leaves his nephew in the care of Scott Steiner.

Shane Douglas joins us to bitch about his lot in life, so you know it’s a day ending in “y”. But now Buff Bagwell is back from suspension, and he joins us to challenge Kronik so they can avenge their tag title loss. Of course Kronik aren’t tag champions anymore but that’s minor.

Shane Douglas & Buff Bagwell v. Kronik

Kronik cleans house right away and Adams presses Douglas and beats him down in the corner before slugging him down. Over to Clark, who continues beating on Douglas, but he comes back with a legsweep. Over to Buff, who runs wild like a babyface making the hot tag and hits Clark with the Buff Blockbuster. But then Shane tags himself in and it all goes south, as Kronik double-teams him with the chokeslam and pins him at 3:14. And afterwards, Buff offers a hand, but Douglas pulls out knuckles and turns on him to break up their team. Well at least it’s something for them to do. 1/2*

Meanwhile, the Cat confronts Doug Dellinger and wants to know when Hogan is arriving. Doug doesn’t care.

Meanwhile, Billy Kidman volunteers to be special referee for Hogan’s title shot tonight.

Meanwhile, The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea does a press conference to announce that he’ll only be known as The Artist. And then the old guy known as Pops pops out from under the table and he’s eating pie. What the fuck was this?

Cruiserweight title: Lt. Loco v. The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Iaukea

So the MIA is very upset that Rection’s horny grandfather got beat up in the previous segment and this sets up the match. Artist gets a headbutt low to take over and slugs away in the corner, but Chavo dropkicks him and calls in Major Gunns, which sets up a catfight with Paisley. But Gunns kicks her low and Artist rolls up Chavo for two. And Chavo gets the tornado DDT for the pin to retain at 2:25. *

Meanwhile, the Cat meets with the arriving Hulk Hogan and offers him the title shot RIGHT NOW, but Jeff Jarrett smashes a guitar on Hulk to lay him out first.

Vince Russo joins us and he’s going to retire Ric Flair TONIGHT, personally, himself. Ric joins us and he’s not interested in carrying on this thing with Russo because he already won last night. So Ric offers him one last chance: If Flair wins tonight, Russo retires and Flair gets to shave Russo’s head. And I think it’s a tag match with Reid, I dunno, they were all over the place with this one and talking over each other.

WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Hulk Hogan

Kidman is the special referee here, as Jarrett actually gets to have a title reign for a few weeks. Hulk is absolutely not selling any effects of the guitar shot backstage, and attacks Jarrett in the corner right away before hitting the corner clothesline. Hulk slugs away and tosses JJ before beating on him with the belt and choking him out. Back in the ring, Jarrett cuts him off and beats on the forehead that’s gushing blood from the guitar shot, but Hulk no-sells all that and tosses Jarrett to the floor again. But then Kidman tosses Hulk a chair and allows him to make the comeback after no-selling everything from Jarrett for the whole match. Back in the ring, Hulk with the big boot, but Goldberg hits the ring and spears Kidman, who is suddenly Hulk’s new little buddy. And then Hulk gets speared as well and the crowd doesn’t really seem to care all that much about this earth-shaking heel run and it’s only the first night. So it’s Sportz Entertainment Finish at 5:00 or so. Goldberg puts Hulk through a table, but GI Bro makes the save. So I guess after all that, Kidman has just turned babyface again for no reason. And Hulk of course gets to squash the World champion and avoid doing a job despite not winning the title.

DDP joins us and talks about how everyone told him all the things he couldn’t do while he was coming up, and Eric Bischoff interrupts. So DDP quits and walks away.

Vampiro v. The Demon

Oddly, “God of Thunder” is left intact on this episode. Demon comes out and slugs away on Vampiro, then clotheslines him over the top. They fight up the stage and Vamp climbs up the big screen and gives him a bodypress from up there, which stops the match at 2:00 for some reason. Why would you take that bump in a nothing match against Dale Torberg? And they just cut to the back and move on.

Meanwhile, Nash is still sitting around in the back of the cop car.

Positively Kanyon v. Scott Steiner

This is an open challenge for Kanyon, who has vowed to take DDP’s finishing move, wife, and life. So Scott answers the challenge and immediately throws Kanyon around, but Kanyon kicks him low and follows with a spinebuster for two. And then he hits Charles Robinson with the Diamond Cutter, so Steiner continues destroying Kanyon and puts him in the Recliner, while Kimberly runs to the back and brings out Mike Awesome for the attack and we get our third match in a row with no finish. And then Kronik saves and Hudson notes that there’s a history between Bryan Clark and Kanyon. OK, NERD. Not that it matters, like at all, but are Wrath and Bryan Clark even canonically the same character? We know Mortis and Kanyon are because Mortis unmasked on PPV, but Wrath just kind of disappeared for a while and then Clark showed up. Anyway, and then Miss Hancock comes out of the crowd and goes after Kimberly, but Kim sprays her with her new perfume and smashes Hancock’s glasses.

Meanwhile, Scott Steiner has had enough of Russo & Bischoff, and he’s gonna go after them now. I’m sure we can all figure out where THAT is going, just like every storyline where someone REALLY REALLY hates Vince Russo & Eric Bischoff.

Oh also Nash’s nephew “Hunter” (LOL!) is missing now.

Vince Russo & David Flair v. Ric Flair

This is either a handicap match or a tag match with Reid, I’m not clear on which. Ric quickly tears David’s shirt off and beats on him with chops, and then goes low and goes after Russo instead. Russo reveals a catcher’s protector and no-sells the chops, so Ric pulls that off and continues chopping him. That’s a fairly clever twist wasted in this nothing match. Russo bails and Ric hits David with a suplex and the figure-four, but Russo breaks it up with the baseball bat. So Reid hits the ring and tackles Russo, but he gets taken out by David. Then Russo calls Beth Flair into the ring for some reason and makes her watch while he chokes Flair out. Young Ashley tries to run in and help, and Megan Flair throws in the towel at 4:00 and that’s apparently the end of Flair’s career. Well, he had a good run. And they shave off some of Flair’s hair, which is an angle that probably would have drawn some serious money even a few years before this, but here it’s just TO THE BACK.

Kevin Nash v. Goldberg

Absolutely no chance we’re getting a finish here. Nash isn’t even in his gear, just wearing jeans and his hockey jersey. So Nash chases Goldberg to the floor with the big boot. Back in, Goldberg hits him with a superkick and then we get a bunch of bullshit for the non-finish as everyone runs in and beats up Nash, and young Hunter looks at his fallen uncle’s lifeless body in horror as we end the show. That’s the most selling I’ve seen from Nash in months.

Well the opener was really good but this one descended into the usual bullshit and nonsense FAST, with the entire second hour comprised of matches where they booked a match and then couldn’t book a finish. I’m sure Flair was happy knowing that he ended his career and got his head shaved for 2700 freebies and a 3.0 rating.