The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 06.05.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 06.05.00

Live from Atlanta, GA, drawing 13000 but only 5900 paid. Certainly better than they’ve been doing, for sure. Tony calls it a capacity crowd but I’m pretty sure the arena holds more than 13,000.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden & Scott Hudson. Can we go a week without changing the World title? TUNE INTO NITRO TO FIND OUT!

Eric Bischoff & Vince Russo join us to start as Mark Madden hypes up their HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT at the Great American Bash, which will be the biggest in the history of sports entertainment and “has all the dirt sheets talking”. Oh they’ll be talking about it all right. Also this is the first that they’ve even mentioned this announcement on the show, so if you’re only watching Nitro and not Thunder or the internet at the time, then you’re probably wondering what the hell these people are even talking about. So Eric announces that Kevin Nash will be running the gauntlet tonight against the New Blood, and if anyone interferes he’ll lose his World title shot at the Bash. Again, first they’ve mentioned this title match at the Bash. We didn’t even know what the main event of the show would be as of last week. So Russo bitches about how miserable he is in Atlanta, surrounded by “horn-yakkers” and then calls out professional baseball thrower John Rocker. So we get a bunch of matches set up tonight, like Scott Steiner v. Vampiro and Sting v. Jeff Jarrett and some kind of cage match with Ric Flair, and then Eric promises to take the Hardcore title off of Terry Funk himself. So next up, Russo talks shit about Goldberg and tells him he’s got two words for him: Spear this, baby! Yeah that’s not…you know, never mind. So Goldberg hits the ring and beats up a bunch of security geeks while Russo runs away.

Meanwhile, Bischoff yells at Russo while the Cat repeats everything he says in a weird but funny bit, and then Billy Kidman bursts in and wants a match with Hulk and Horace Hogan tonight. Eric is like “Yeah whatever”.

WCW World tag team title: Chuck Palumbo & Shawn Stasiak v. Kronic

Apparently the New Blood won the titles on Thunder last week, via DQ, forming one of the all time crappiest teams in WCW history. They double team Clark with chops, but Adams makes the save and Clark hits Palumbo with the Meltdown. Kronic clears the ring while Ernest Miller joins us. Adams continues the squash with a full nelson slam on Stasiak for two, but Palumbo finally takes over with a jungle kick. Chuck with a flying shoulder on Adams for two and Shawn gets a crossbody for two. Adams comes back with a backbreaker on Stasiak and makes the hot tag to Clark, and they all fight out of the ring while Miller forces the ref to count them out of the ring. OK but they’re literally on the floor for like 2 minutes, so why wouldn’t they be counted out? And then Adams tosses Shawn into the ring, at which point Miller rings the bell and declares the champs the winners by countout at 6:20. What a stupid screwjob. DUD Also they spent weeks building up Shawn and Chuck as the faker gimmicks and then just dropped it cold and stuck them together as a generic heel tag team and they were like “Mission accomplished!”

Meanwhile, Kidman calls Major Gunns “a stupid bitch” and she runs off crying.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash shows up late and laughs at being the last guy in the building every week.

Meanwhile, the Misfits threaten to go after Kidman to avenge Major Gunns.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner are fully supportive of Goldberg’s WCW career.

GI Bro joins us and calls out Kidman for his mistreatment of women, which brings out the Filthy Animals.

GI Bro v. Billy Kidman

Bro puts Kidman down with an axe kick, but Kidman gets the bulldog out of the corner. Bro comes back with the spinarooni and he slugs away in the corner and calls Gunns into the ring for some revenge, but then Torrie comes in and turns on Kidman herself, hitting him with a low blow so that GI Bro can pin him at 2:00. Usual nonsense here. *

Hardcore title: Terry Funk v. Eric Bischoff

So we get the epic showdown with nunchuks v. garbage can, like they used to do in days of yore, but Funk hits him with the can and Eric runs away backstage. “We’re just stalling for time here” Tony notes as they cut back to the desk as Miss Hancock comes out. Ain’t that the truth. So she dances and I once again ponder what purpose she even serves on this show and what her character is supposed to be. So Kimberly and Mike Awesome interrupt as Kimberly complains about having her spotlight stolen again. So she hits Hancock with the clipboard and they threaten to wrestle a match, but Kimberly doesn’t want to and leaves. OK, so back to the match still going on, as they head back from the dressing room with Bischoff in a wheelbarrow, but Russo sends the Mamalukes to the ring to save Eric from joining the Kiss My Ass club. So now the Mamalukes attack Funk and double-team him with various weapons as this drags on and on and on, and they finally put Eric on top to win the title. This stuff reeks of desperation and would only get worse.

US title: Scott Steiner v. Vampiro

I think it’s for the title, who knows. Scott with a press slam, but he charges and Vamp kicks him down to take over. They fight to the floor and Scott whips him into the railing and slams him through the announce table, which is really quite ridiculously overbooked for this random match on Nitro with no backstory. Vamp with a superkick out there, but Steiner runs him into the post and back into the ring, where Vamp blocks a superplex and hits him with a flying leg lariat off the top. So Vamp grabs a blowtorch, as people do, but Midejah dives into the ring to save Big Poppa Pump, so Vampiro douses her in gasoline and threatens to set her on fire with the blowtorch. You know, like normal people do. But then Sting saves her and Steiner finishes Vamp with the Recliner at 5:00. They’re doing a hell of a job with that Human Torch match at the PPV.

Tank Abbott v. Goldberg

After months of buildup, here we are. Unsurprisingly, Goldberg is hugely over after months off. Goldberg immediately takes Tank down after ducking the punches, but Rick Steiner comes in and hits him from behind with a chair. So they double-team Bill and that gets two, but now Kevin Nash saunters out and makes the save, pulling out Steiner while Goldberg finishes off Tank with the Jackhammer at 2:02. To call this a massive letdown after all the build would be an understatement for sure. And that’s all we ever got of the feud. DUD

Meanwhile, Goldberg gets stitched up after having his head split open by the chairshot.

WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Sting

Sting hits a stungun, but misses the Stinger splash. Jarrett tries a rana and Sting powerbombs him, but Jarrett fights off the deathlock and beats on him with a chair out on the ramp. Sting clotheslines him back into the ring as Madden claims “WCW gives the fans what they want” and follows with a sunset flip for the pin and the title at 2:11. But then Bischoff immediately runs out and it turns out that THEY FORGOT TO READ THE FINE PRINT and it wasn’t actually a title match after all so Jarrett is still the champion. WCW, giving people what they want! I’m counting this is as a World title change this week for the purposes of my running joke, though. Speaking of jokes, Hudson notes that Bischoff “ran out and called for a Dusty finish” in an eye-rolling reference that about 6 people watching the show would understand, but Sting beats the hell out of Jarrett and smashes the guitar on his head to leave him laying. As a reminder, Jarrett is defending the title against Kevin Nash at the Bash, not Sting.

Meanwhile, JJ goes out in an ambulance.

Kimberly & Mike “Mr. Muscles” Awesome v. DDP & Miss Hancock

So Miss Hancock makes Kimberly sign a release in case of injury, but then DDP comes out as her partner and Kim protests that she has a restraining order from last week and Page has to be 500 feet away. But then, say it with me, SHE DIDN’T READ THE FINE PRINT and it turns out that the “release” she signed was actually releasing Page from the restraining order. That’s awesome, I’m totally gonna go stalk some woman and then when the judge slaps a restraining order on me, I’ll just draw up reversal papers and trick her into signing them and go right back to stalking her again! This sounds like a 100% sound legal strategy. No jury in the world would convict me, based on the B. Bunny v. W. Coyote precedent set years back. Whatever, it’s wrestling. Kim stops to do the Macarena and then has a dance-off with Hancock, which turns into a shoving match as poor Stacy has to try to work a match in heels. So Page comes in and takes out Mike Awesome with a flying clothesline and sunset flip for two. Discus lariat gets two. Awesome goes low to take over and drops Page with a suplex before choking him out in the corner. Short arm clothesline and big splash follow, and Mike sets up a table at ringside. Back in the ring, Awesome goes up with a flying splash for two. But then Hancock distracts Awesome with her feminine wiles and the Diamond Cutter finishes at 5:30. I think they’re having a match on the PPV too? They’ve done a shit job of building up anything on this Bash show at all. This match was fun at least. **1/2

Cage match: Horace Hogan v. Hollywood Hogan

Hulk Hogan wasn’t here tonight but WE DIDN’T READ THE FINE PRINT and it’s HOLLYWOOD Hogan instead, and also this is a cage match because reasons. So Hulk beats on Horace with the weight belt and then takes him to the floor and runs him into the cage. But then Horace gets a chair and beats on Hulk for a while, but Hulk hits him with the chair and pins him at 3:00. Afterwards, Kidman hits the ring, so Hulk throws him over the top and through a table, really selling that match at the PPV. Sign me up! ½*.

Another cage match: Ric Flair v. Vince Russo

Russo actually chops Flair, so Ric chops him and kicks him in the nuts before following with a back suplex and dropping a knee on him. To the floor, where Ric gleefully chops the shit out of Vince and runs him into the cage. So David Flair comes from under the ring and attacks Ric, while Reid Flair bites Russo’s hand from outside the cage. David takes a bump over the top and Ric runs his son into the cage and chops him down. Meanwhile, Russo brings a ladder into the ring and opens a secret door in the ceiling as an escape route, and they head to the top of the cage. So Flair chops him on the top of the cage, but Russo rakes the eyes and runs away back into the ring, taking a bump to the mat after Ric stomps his fingers. And then Little Naitch gives Ric the ladder so he can make a safe climb back down. Flair stomps the shit out of Russo and gets the figure-four and Russo won’t give up, which is actually kind of ludicrous. And then we get a BLOODBATH to break up the hold and the ref is bumped in the process, so David puts Ric in his own figure-four and Russo pins Ric at 8:43. I was all ready to praise this as a miracle performance from Ric to carry Russo to a nearly great match but then they went and did….that…for the finish. I’d call it ridiculously great on a grading curve based on what Vince Russo could reasonably be expected to do, but the finish was atrociously stupid. So I’m around *** overall.

Kevin Nash v. The World

Nash powerbombs Disco Inferno, and then Chris Candido and Johnny the Bull and some blond kid I don’t recognize and the ref is just counting pins without Nash even making the cover, but everyone runs into the ring and attacks and Goldberg makes the save and clears the ring. But Goldberg interfered so I guess Nash loses his title shot at the Bash? I honestly have no idea what the exact stips were supposed to be.

I’d call this is a reasonably entertaining show thanks to the hot crowd and somewhat motivated peformances from everyone but Big Lazy, who wouldn’t even go down to make a cover after hitting his own finisher on FIVE GUYS IN A ROW, but the ending was garbage and apparently there’s a PPV in six days that they did absolutely nothing to sell whatsoever. Oh except for promising an industry-changing surprise, which it certainly was not.

Next up: THE GREAT AMERICAN BASH. Sigh.