The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 05.29.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 05.29.00

Let’s see if Vince Russo can resist changing the World title for one week! I think I know the answer already.

LAST WEEK ON THUNDER: Kevin Nash pins Jeff Jarrett with the Poochiebomb to win the WCW World title.

Live from Salt Lake City, UT, drawing 7746 with 4500 paid.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson & Mark Madden

Meanwhile, Vince Russo kidnaps Beth and Reid Flair as they show up in the parking lot. Sure, might as well get the first kidnapping out of the way to break the ice.

Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner join us to start, and poor Nash has to do a speech trying to sum up the last few weeks of storyline and making any kind of sense out of it. So apparently they have outsmarted Russo and Bischoff because they didn’t expect Scott Steiner to help Nash, and also Scott Hall is sitting at home for some reason and also wants to get revenge on Russo & Bischoff for whatever they did to him that has never been explained on TV, especially since he was last seen before they even took over the company. So all this brings out Ric Flair, and he also has a problem with Vince Russo. So then Nash decides to award the World title to Flair, because apparently that’s a thing you can just do now. And they wonder why that title is completely worthless? This of course brings out Jeff Jarrett, calling them all “a bunch of self serving women”. Jeff also announces some matches for tonight, such as Nash v. Scott Steiner & Tank Abbott in a handicap match and then Flair defending the title against Jeff. But Flair declines because he’s got the night off. But then this brings out Vince Russo, still talking about the “brain annerism” that Flair had, and reveals that he has kidnapped Flair’s wife and son, which apparently means that Flair has to defend the title.

So…if you can just give someone the title, why does Jarrett even need to win it in a title match? Why couldn’t Russo just tell Flair to award the title to Jeff and save him the trouble?

Meanwhile, Vampiro drives up in a gas tanker.

The Filthy Animals join us and Disco remains so stupid that he can’t even do the catchphrases correctly. But he manages to challenge the Misfits in Action to a lumberjack match regardless.

Disco Inferno v. Lt. Loco

Chavo chases Disco to the floor and hits him with a dive, but he misses a charge and Disco takes over with a cobra clutch legsweep. Disco goes up and misses his elbow, allowing Chavo to dropkick him to the ramp for some punishment from the Misfits. But in the ring, some blond kid runs in and attacks Chavo, before getting distracted by Major Gunns, who kicks him in the nuts. Man, that guy isn’t having kids any time soon! Oh and a Nitro Girl attacks Gunns because she’s apparently the girlfriend of that blond kid I don’t recognize.

Meanwhile, Kronic gets into a brawl with Stasiak & Palumbo while Vampiro is trying to do a promo about his gasoline truck. That’s rude.

Miss Hancock joins us and she just wants to dance, as we’re two months into the reboot and I still have no idea what the point of her character even is. So Chris Candido quickly interrupts, but we cut to the back and David Flair runs off in terror seeing that. So Candido threatens to beat on Hancock for some reason that I don’t understand, but David Flair makes the save and then Ric Flair attacks David and gets into a brawl with the security geeks as David pulls Hancock away from the ring. I have no idea what any of this was supposed to mean. Oh also Tammy was supposed to be involved here but was found in the dressing room unconscious with a bunch of needles full of painkillers and was sent home.

Meanwhile, Kimberly shows up and a bunch of fake paparazzi photograph her.

Meanwhile, Kimberly is clearing out all of DDP’s stuff at the house, ESPECIALLY the giant credit card, using a box marked “CRAP”. OK that was funny.

GI Bro joins us, in full camo gear and facepaint. Now this is a man that screams “Gonna be world champion in a month”. So Mike Awesome powerbombed him a few weeks back and he wants an ambulance match to get revenge.

Ambulance match: GI Bro v. Mike Awesome

I feel like Booker was just supposed to be called “GI” but every time Russo explained the gimmick to him he would say “GI, Bro” and Booker got confused. Tony talks about Mike Awesome showing up at Kanyon’s hospital room on the last Thunder: “Thankfully, nothing was accomplished.” I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Awesome hits the Bro with a powerbomb, bro, and they head to the ramp, where DDP shows up and attacks Awesome, teaming up with Bro to put Awesome through a table for the win! Oh wait this isn’t a tables match, sorry. Instead Awesome gets stuffed in the ambulance at 2:33 to lose. GI Bro is 1 and 0!

Meanwhile, Kronic attacks Stasiak & Palumbo again.

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan shows up in his midlife crisis-mobile. Also Goldberg is here in his monster truck.

Meanwhile, David Flair escorts Miss Hancock somewhere.

Eric Bischoff and his circus of geeks join us, threatening to rip the red and yellow off of Hulk Hogan at the Bash, with Horace Hogan as the special referee. So Hulk Hogan interrupts, notable not wearing any red or yellow, promising that they’ll never tear the red and yellow off him and it’ll never die. So we take a break and cut to Goldberg walking into the building.

Kevin Nash v. Tank Abbott & Rick Steiner

The heels attack Big Kev on the way to the ring and have to drag him into the ring because he’s too lazy to even walk down the ramp. So they put the boots to Big Sexy, but Goldberg makes the save and hits Steiner with the jackhammer while Tank runs away. And then he challenges Tank to a match next week on TV, instead of on the PPV that was desperately needing a boost. They probably could have ridden this return for a few months with Goldberg as top guy again but…you know…Russo.

Meanwhile, Goldberg departs and apparently steals Hulk’s car on the way out.

WCW Hardcore title: Terry Funk v. Vampiro

Apparently Funk was disguised in a gorilla suit on Thunder and unmasked as a big swerve to regain the title, which ONCE AGAIN proves my rule about gorilla suits in wrestling. EVEN VINCE RUSSO CAN’T FUCK UP A GORILLA SUIT ANGLE. Funk attacks Vamp and piledrives him on the ramp for two, but then Vampiro beats up the referee, who let’s be honest had it coming for being a ginger anyway. So Vampiro sets off his pyro and that’s apparently him trying to blow up Funk. That’s silly, if you want to blow up guys from 2000 WCW just book them in a 10 minute match. So they fight into the back and lots of stuff goes clang clang clang so you know it’s serious business. They fight over to the broadcast trucks and into the parking lot. This leads to a nonsense spot where Vamp literally douses Funk with “gasoline or maybe jet fuel or whatever it is!” according to Tony. Scott Hudson is offended because the Human Torch is supposed to be at the PPV and not here. So Sting makes the save and the match just kind of ends around 5:00.

Meanwhile, Shane Douglas learns that he’s facing Scott Steiner for the US title in the ASYLUM match tonight, which Russo clarifies is a reward and not a punishment.

Meanwhile, back at DDP’s house, all of his stuff is on the lawn and he’s wondering if it’s some kind of rib on him! Also Kim serves him with a restraining order.

Meanwhile, Chuck Palumbo asks Kimberly to go to the ring and call out Liz, because Liz is missing and Chuck doesn’t want to get in trouble. “OK, Mr. Sweaty Man, let’s go.” So they head to the ring and Liz dutifully answers the callout, at which point Awesome and Palumbo kidnap her again. Man they really need to work on their evil schemes. So DDP makes the save, but Eric Bischoff interrupts and points out that Page DIDN’T READ THE FINE PRINT and he’s violated the restraining order that Kimberly served him in the previous segment. So the police come in and try to arrest him, but now Lex Luger makes the save in a Virgil nose guard. But then Mike Awesome continues beating on Page, but Karl Malone pops out of the audience to save his tag team partner, hitting Awesome with a Diamond Cutter for the huge pop. That felt like it should have been a dark segment after they went to commercial. I guess it’s fitting that the Mailman appeared on this show because everyone sends in their performance via USPS.

US title, ASYLUM CAGE MATCH: Scott Steiner v. Shane Douglas

Douglas goes low and hits Scott with a suplex before going to work on the neck. “Which as we know is Steiner’s one weakness!” notes Tony helpfully. Shane pulls out brass knuckles and Steiner blocks that and gets rid of them while Tony again puts over all the “clear cut winners and losers” on the show, which by the way has featured TWO matches this week alone where they literally just ended the match without any winner. Steiner comes back and suplexes Shane and puts him away with the Recliner at 2:18.

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan has now changed into his red and yellow gear for some reason, and he’s watching Sting walk into the arena. Wasn’t Sting just in the parking lot 20 minutes ago saving Funk? What the fuck has he been doing since then?

Billy Kidman v. Sting

“Here we go with yet another matchup!” declares Tony in about as enthusiastic a manner as you get out of him in 2000. Also they declare that “it took Goldberg to light the fire under WCW again!” even though the reboot two months ago was supposed to have done just that. Sting and Kidman fight to the ramp right away and Sting tosses him back into the ring and follows with a dive, somehow the one guy in the entire promotion to actually give a shit at this point. Kidman goes up and misses a splash, allowing Sting to get the Stinger splash and Scorpion, but Torrie takes the ref and Vampiro hits him with the blowtorch and puts Kidman on top for the pin at 2:30. Madden quoting Def Leppard might be the worst thing on this entire show. So then Hulk Hogan makes the save, in full red and yellow gear again, but Bischoff saves his guys with a chair and Ernest Miller kicks the chair in Hogan’s face for the beatdown. So then as promised, they rip off the shirt and bandana and LIGHT IT ON FIRE. But then Kronic smells something burning and gets the wrong idea, running out to make the save. Apparently all of this was supposed to make us want to see something that’s occurring at the Bash PPV. Which by the way still doesn’t even have a main event announced. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

WCW World title: Ric Flair v. Jeff Jarrett

David Flair is the special guest referee because reasons. Flair beats on Jarrett with chops right away as they still haven’t even come up with a storyline reason for Flair’s disappearance, calling it an “unexplained medical absence”. So Russo brings out the Flair family and Flair chases after Russo, allowing Jarrett to attack from behind and beat on Ric with a chair. Back in the ring, Flair makes the comeback and beats on Jarrett with more chops while bleeding, and then attacks David for good measure. JJ sends Flair into the corner for a Flair Flip, allowing Russo to hit Flair with his baseball bat. Back in the ring, Jarrett gets the figure-four as Charles Robinson takes over as ref and Flair makes the ropes. Flair with the small package for two, but Jarrett slugs away in the corner, so Flair goes low and makes another comeback. Flair Flip and he hits Jarrett with the double axehandle to set up the figure-four, but the ref is bumped. Flair keeps fighting while Russo declares himself the new referee, so Ric attacks him and puts him in the figure-four. But Jarrett hits Ric with the guitar, and regains the World title at 7:55. This was like 1000 times better than it had any right to be and somehow made the crowd care about Flair as World champion, which as noted by the Observer, meant that Flair had to immediately lose it again in humiliating fashion. ****

Most of the show was the usual hot garbage with two World title switches to boot, but the main event is absolutely worth checking out. And hey, they can’t possibly screw up the return of Goldberg, can they?