The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 05.22.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 05.22.00

Live from Grand Rapids, MI, drawing 6530 with 4600 paid and a 2.3 rating, although it was unopposed by RAW so it means nothing.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson & Mark Madden

Meanwhile, Vince Russo arrives in preparation for Ric Flair’s funeral tonight after Ric collapsed on Thunder. Even their show recaps are presented like Kevin Dunn nightmares of fast edits that leave them completely incomprehensible.

Weapons Match: Booker T v. The Cat

Why is this a “weapons match”? Are these guys even feuding? With Harlem Heat gone again, the T is back and we’re just pretending none of it happened. Cat attacks and uses various weapons while future TNA “star” Garrett Bischoff is namedropped. Cat chokes him out with karate sticks in the corner, as they’re still doing the “relaxed rules” nonsense, which just makes the actual Hardcore title matches mean even less because every match has tables and weapons. Cat beats on Booker with a kendo stick and twirls it around like, as Madden notes, a “really violent drum major”, which is not exactly the badass image you want for a top heel. Booker fights back with the sidekick, but Shawn Stasiak runs in and double-teams Booker, allowing Cat to kick the chair into Booker’s face for the pin at 4:42. Complete crap. ½*. But then after the heels won with a 2-on-1 advantage, all the MIA geeks come in and destroy them a million-on-one because Vince Russo has no idea how to book babyfaces properly.

Afterwards, Eric Bischoff and Kimberly interrupt, talking about how they had a phone call to California that’s going to change the New Blood forever, and they’re in such a good mood that they’re offering to let the MIA join the New Blood to celebrate. But of course they tell Eric to kiss their asses and Eric is unhappy with that.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash is late again and Sting is all “That’s his giz-immick!”

Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff fires Booker T. Guys get fired EVERY WEEK on this show and then come back by the next segment. It means nothing.

Meanwhile, Vince Russo hosts a funeral for Ric Flair’s career, which consists of an open casket with a giant nose and Flair’s robe inside.

Daffney joins us and wants Crowbar to come out and discuss the Cruiserweight title situation like adults.

Cruiserweight title: Daffney v. Crowbar

So they try thumb wrestling and rock paper scissors, but Daffney DDTs him while Miss Hancock comes out to watch for the millionth week in a row while doing nothing. Crowbar goes for a rana and then changes his mind, but Daffney gives him an atomic wedgie and then gets her own rana for two. Crowbar with a slingshot splash but he feels super-bad about it and apologizes, and then Chris Candido and Tammy stumble in and double-team him. Tammy can barely fucking walk at this point and she pretty much falls over before Daffney can even finish doing the spot with her. Candido dropkicks a chair into Crowbar’s face and Daffney gets the pin at 3:00 to unify the title again I guess? So the explanation from the announcers about the “relaxed rules” is that the officials want to see “definitive winners”, so we get a million people running in without a DQ and I guess that’s supposed to be definitive. Anyway this was beyond horrible and we’re all shocked that Tammy is still alive. It’s also a pretty big indictment of the legal system that she was out there fucked up on national TV like that and it took TWENTY YEARS for someone to finally hold her accountable for her actions, and even then it was only after she actually killed someone. Anyway, negative however many stars, let’s just move on.

Meanwhile, Horace Hogan gets a massage from Torrie Wilson while Kidman videotapes them. Were they gonna leave him a little chair by the bed too?

Meanwhile, Booker T is unconcerned about his firing and pledges to be back next week. And then we cut to Norman Smiley, who was also fired two weeks ago, and has been on the show every week since then.

Meanwhile, Kidman whines to Bischoff like a little bitch and then goes to attack Horace. So Bischoff beats up a random referee and steals his shirt before giving it to Torrie to act as referee for what is apparently a match.

Impromptu match: Billy Kidman v. Horace Hogan

They fight to the ring and Kidman runs him into the post, and back in for a dropkick as we learn that Kidman is facing Hogan again at the Bash PPV, with Hogan putting his career on the line against a title shot at Bash at the Beach. What in the blue hell did Kidman possibly do to justify another match with Hogan? Horace sets up a table and here’s our third run-in in a row, with Hulk coming in this time to crotch Kidman on the top rope, and then smashes them onto each other and puts Kidman on top before forcing Torrie to count the pin while he puts one foot on them both at the same time, thus making everyone look like a bunch of fucking jobbers. And then Hulk does a promo on Bischoff about how completely unconcerned he is with Kidman at the PPV and calls Eric a piece of shit and leaves.

Meanwhile, the head rooster brings Reid Flair to the building.

Meanwhile, the Filthy Animals pull up in their lowrider and Norman offers them a car wash. Apparently Disco Inferno has suddenly defected from the Mamalukes to the Filthy Animals at some point with no particular explanation given.

Terry Funk joins us to make a “long overdue announcement” and he has a nice tux and all his family is watching. So Shane Douglas and the New Blood interrupt him before he can make the announcement, but then Funk announces that his daughter had a baby boy so now he’s a grandpa. “I think grandpas shouldn’t be in the wrestling ring” notes Funk. I know a few promoters these days who would disagree. And then Funk announces that he’s retiring on June 1…2001 because WCW extended his contract. I’ve got some bad news for him. So then the New Blood has heard enough and storms the ring for a 4-on-1 beatdown until his daughter jumps the railing and pleads for mercy to end the pain. I know how she feels and the show isn’t even halfway over yet. So Shane pins him with Candido counting the pin and Shane claims the title, but the announcers note that it isn’t official. Oh OK thanks for clarifying that, I wasn’t sure after watching Daffney and Crowbar fight for the Cruiserweight title in a goddamn thumb wrestling match 30 minutes earlier. You never fucking know with this bullshit show.

Meanwhile, the MIA pulls a wacky prank and switches cleaning buckets on Ralphus, surely up to some shenanigans against the Filthy Animals.

Meanwhile, Kanyon does a heartfelt interview from his hospital bed in traction, but it means nothing on this show where everything is a joke and a swerve.

Speaking of which, Mike Awesome joins us in a wheelchair with his own traction gimmick, making fun of Kanyon’s already ridiculously fake injury.

Mike Awesome v. The Wall

Awesome almost immediately backdrops Wall over the top rope and through a table to win at 1:11. This was a tables match by the way. If it matters. Wall immediately no-sells it and pops up to continue the fight and then Shane Douglas joins in and they do a three-way “brawl” to the back, where DDP appears out of the back of an ambulance that is there for some reason and hits them with chairs but Wall no-sells that too and chokes out Shane Douglas while declaring that he’s going to kill him. Unfortunately we cut away before we discover if the Wall in fact killed Shane Douglas. Also DDP’s appearance reminds me: Remember when Sid Vicious returned a couple of weeks ago and turned on Page after being missing for weeks? Was he even mentioned again after that? What the hell was the point of it?

Meanwhile, Norman and Ralphus wash the car with what appears to be paint instead of soap. Those Misfits In Action! More like MISFITS IN HILARITY, am I right?

Vince Russo and the New Blood join us…again…for Ric Flair’s career funeral. Just in case you had forgotten, Flair had a triumphant win over Jeff Jarrett for the WCW World title just last week and now they’re literally burying him. So Russo strips Flair of the WCW title because of his “brain anner-ism” and awards it back to Jeff Jarrett as we follow the bouncing belt week after week. But then Kevin Nash pops out of the casket, and here’s a shock, he BEATS UP ALL OF THE NEW BLOOD BY HIMSELF. And then he walks away with the WCW World title and spoiler, wins it for real on Thunder a day later.

Meanwhile, Vince Russo demands that Nash give the title back by the end of the show.

Scott Steiner joins us and now he’s got cheerleaders and declares “there’s nothing finer than doing a sixty-niner with Scott Steiner”. How the hell did they get that one past the censors? So he’s got a circular cage hanging above the ring and he calls out Rick Steiner and Tank Abbott. But Rick is the only one who answers. I guess it’s a match? Also, and this is very important so pay attention because it factors in later, this is a brand new stipulation gimmick match that they’re trying to get over for Scott Steiner, with a deadly and inescapable cage where the ONLY WAY TO WIN is by beating your opponent to the point of unconsciousness or making him submit.

Asylum cage match: Rick Steiner v. Scott Steiner

We’re just doing this on a random fuck-ass episode of Nitro? Really? So the deadly cage, which probably cost Brad Siegel a good $250,000 out of the budget for this episode, lowers to the ring and it’s a little tiny circle inside the ring that gives them about three feet of room to work, and Scott quickly hits a suplex and Steiner Recliner on his brother. But then Tank does his fake Goldberg entrance because every fucking thing is a joke, and somehow manages to take control of the cage via a pair of bolt cutters, and he raises it up and it’s a DQ at 1:00 or so in a match where there’s no escape and the only way to win is submission or knockout. This show is gonna give ME a “brain anner-ism”. Also Kevin Nash hits the ring as backup and chases off the deadly shooting team of Rick Steiner and Tank Abbott by staring them down with his big sexiness.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash challenges Jeff Jarrett to a match for the title later in the show.

Chuck Palumbo v. Diamond Dallas Page

Page quickly gets a belly to belly as we learn that he’ll face Mike Awesome in an ambulance match at the PPV. Don’t we have ambulance matches and tables matches and ambulance v. table matches EVERY FUCKING WEEK on this show already? Double clothesline and they’re both out, and we’re due for another run-in, so Kimberly comes out and clobbers Elizabeth, who is at ringside for reasons I’m unsure about, and then Mike Awesome runs in and the New Blood double-teams Page until Palumbo gets the torture rack at 3:00 for the submission. Wow, he got a bullshit win with 17 people running in, he’s so over now. And then security kidnaps Elizabeth again. Also Chuck hits Lex Luger (who is there as well, I forgot to mention) with the flexor, and he goes out on a stretcher because even though we have match after match after match with people hitting each other in the face with weapons, THIS ONE is serious, guys, and we should care about it.

This is the Dino Bravo of Nitro episodes. No, that’s unfair to Dino Bravo. At least he made some money off the cigarette trade and probably didn’t die $65 million in debt.

Reid Flair joins us with the cock a doodle doofus to help him, and he calls out David Flair and Daffney, who quickly take out the Rooster and then David puts Reid in a figure-four after surviving a hell of a double-leg takedown from Reid. Who can possibly watch David Flair beating up a literal 12 year old kid and take any of this seriously?

Vampiro v. Hulk Hogan

I should point out that none of these matches were advertised or even mentioned by the announcers at some point in the show previous to this. This seems like a match that you might want to actually advertise in advance, I dunno. Vampiro dumps Hulk and follows with a double axehandle off the apron while the announcers have to simultaneously hype the impending double retirement matches of Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair on the Bash show while telling people to be excited about the HUMAN TORCH match between Vampiro and Sting where someone has to be set on fire to end the match. Hulk makes a comeback and beats Vamp’s ass outside and then whips him with the weight belt in the ring while Mark Madden says you “won’t see phony DQs and cluster finishes on this show”. THEY JUST HAD A FUCKING DQ FINISH IN A CAGE MATCH 20 MINUTES AGO. And yes I know they don’t tell the announcers any of the finishes, which just makes them sound stupider when they say this stuff. Hogan continues whipping Vamp’s ass and Madden won’t shut up about the burning flesh match while Hulk drops the leg on Vampiro, and then Billy Kidman runs in and hits Hogan with a blowtorch and puts Vampiro on top for the pin at 4:42 in what sure looked like a “cluster finish” to me, complete with Sting then running in and taking out Vampiro again while Hogan pops up and completely no-sells the “loss” while beating the shit out of Vampiro some more. What even is the point of star ratings anymore?

Meanwhile, the Misfits get into a big fight with the Animals over the hilarious car prank.

WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Kevin Nash

I literally have no idea who the champion actually is. I think Jarrett. But Nash had the belt. Russo is also the special referee because he hasn’t been on the show enough this week. Also this is a falls count anywhere match, if it matters. Nash doesn’t even bother wearing his gear, just wrestling in jeans and t-shirt. They fight to the floor and Nash drops him on the apron, but Russo won’t count, so Nash goes after him and Jarrett hits Nash with the belt to knock him out. That only gets two and then Scott Steiner runs in for our millionth cluster finish of the show, but security handcuffs him to the ropes while Nash does a zombie situp and chokes out Russo, apparently thinking he’s the Undertaker now. So he forces Russo to count his pin on Jarrett, but it still only gets two, so Nash beats up 19 security guards at once, and then blood drops from the ceiling while Big Kev awkwardly stands there waiting for the cue, and I guess knocks Nash out, and Jarrett pins him with one foot and Jeff is the champion at 5:00. AGAIN. Would it KILL THEM to go even ONE WEEK without a World title change? And yeah, Nash wins the title (regains?) at Thunder anyway and that’s where we’ll pick things up next time. Lucky me.

Reviewing this episode was one of the most mentally exhausting 90 minutes of my life. I’ve seen a lot of wrestling and this might be one of the worst wrestling shows, full stop, I’ve ever seen in my years as a fan. This was counterproductive to ever making me want to watch the show again in any form and made me personally resent everyone involved in the creation and execution of it. If this show was a personal secretary, Vince McMahon wouldn’t even shit on it.

See you next week.