The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 05.15.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 05.15.00

Live from Biloxi, MS, with 8550 in the building, but only 2893 paid. And a 3.1 rating, which was pretty good by Nitro’s standards.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson & Mark Madden

HOUSE OF PAIN cage match: Vampiro v. Sting

I’m assuming that they’re gonna Jump Around in the ring. So yeah, this is the opening match of a random shitty Nitro and we’ve got some kind of stupid weapon-filled cage match that wishes it was the Hell in a Cell. Vampiro locks Sting out of the cage, but he immediately breaks into the ceiling cage and attacks Vamp with the bat. Apparently the gimmick for this one is stolen from the SMW Rage in the Cage deal, where you “win” by handcuffing your opponent to the cage and then beating him up. Vamp slugs away in the corner and follows with a corner clothesline and legdrop, and he goes to work on Sting’s leg and goes low on him for good measure. I don’t really get the psychology of the match here because neither guy appears to be attempting for any kind of win at all. Sting makes a comeback and runs him into the cage after some atomic drops, and we get the cheese grater stuff, and Sting cuffs Vamp to the cage for the anticlimactic win at 5:00. So then Sting dropkicks him a couple of times and leaves and that’s supposed to be the savage beating promised by the announcers. These guys have been feuding for barely a few weeks and it already feels like they’ve had a billion gimmick matches and burned out the feud already.

Meanwhile, Shane Douglas attacks Bryan Clark in the parking lot and lays him out. There’s of course a backstory behind this. Buff Bagwell was supposed to be at this show, but he got arrested and suspended by Brad Siegel for 30 days because he just can’t resist fucking up when being given the biggest push of his life.

Meanwhile, Captain Rection rallies the Misfits in Action, and names them Corporal Cajun, Lieutentant Loco and Major Stash. Plus Major Gunns. OK, more WCW nuttiness with this, as of course Van Hammer was to be dubbed “Private Stash” but got offended that he wasn’t ranked above Chavo and Lash, and demanded to be given a better fake rank, thus completely blowing the entire point of the joke name. They should make a Time-Life series of books on all the stupid shit WCW did in 2000. Exhume Jack Palance’s corpse and reanimate it to do infomercials. They’d probably make more money than WCW did in this year.

Kronic joins us and Bryan Adams is more upset than the time that his hairdresser ran out of the really nice conditioner that he likes. So Bryan tells Shane to find a partner to settle things TONIGHT. Shane comes out and cuts off his own damn music before it even gets out of the organ intro, and reveals that his partner is THE WALL, BROTHER.

WCW World tag team title: Shane Douglas & The Wall v. Kronic

I’m still not clear on who the champions even are at this point, but with Buff gone they pretty much have to settle it now. Shane is like HIT HIS MUSIC and they play Wall’s generic chugga chugga rock theme and no one has any idea who it is. Kronic double-teams Wall, but Shane walks out on the match right away. Wall manages to put Clark through a table at ringside, and then backdrops Adams onto another table and splashes him through that. But then Kronic pops up and no-sells the tables and hit Wall with a double-clothesline to put him on the floor for a chokeslam through the announce table. I’m guessing that they’re just gonna keep putting each other through tables and the first one to sell loses. And indeed, they throw Wall back in and pin him to I guess officially become the tag team champions at 3:40, even though they beat a team that weren’t the champions. Ungodly awful. -**. And then Wall beats up the paramedics to get his heat back, even though a far more effective tactic would have been NOT HAVING HIM DO THE JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Meanwhile, Disco Inferno annoys Eric Bischoff, and then asks Terry Funk to hand over the Hardcore title and retire with dignity. Funk refuses, so the Cat attacks him and we just cut away.

Meanwhile, Norman and Ralphus adjust to their new life on the mean streets as homeless people. Also Goldberg’s monster truck is randomly sitting there in background shots in the weirdest stealth entrance possible.

Hardcore title: Terry Funk v. The Filthy Animals

The Cat continues his beating on Funk as Terry walks to the ring, and then the Animals all take turns hitting him with weapons. But then the Misfits hit the ring and attack the Animals. And Disco Inferno joins the Animals because reasons and helps them, but then Booker T makes the save and Funk pins Juvy while out cold to retain at 3:00. Wasn’t even a match, just a bunch of stuff thrown at the audience. DUD. And then Major Gunns comes out and gives Funk mouth to mouth to revive him. This was all incredibly stupid.

Meanwhile, Ric Flair arrives while the Goldberg truck continues lurking in the background like the world’s dumbest horror movie.

Meanwhile, Norman gets a job selling popcorn in the arena.

Meanwhile, Ric Flair bursts into Eric’s office and un-quits after quitting wrestling last week.

Cruiserweight title: Chris Candido & Tammy v. Crowbar & Daffney

Chris offers to put the title on the line against “any other couple”, so we get Daffney and Crowbar, who aren’t a couple last I checked. Unless Crowbar managed to do the girlfriend switch while hanging out with David Flair, in which case I tip my hat to him because that’s of course a dangerous move. Candido gets a superplex while Daffney shrieks and Miss Hancock watches because reasons, and then we suddenly get a brawl where Tammy manages to roll up Crowbar for two. Daffney DDTs Candido for two. Crowbar slingshots onto Candido with a splash for two. They fight to the floor and Tammy hits Crowbar with a Hogan-like chairshot, and back in for a business-exposing double-suplex on Crowbar that gets two. This is just horrendous on every level. Daffney gets a broncobuster on Tammy, but then Hancock decides to dance for some reason. What exactly is her function in the promotion at this point? The reset was a month ago and they still don’t even know what to do with her. In the ring, Daffney rolls up Tammy for the pin at 5:25, so apparently that makes Daffney the champion? I’m not really clear on the rules of this match but that would be the stupidest outcome so I’m assuming that’s what it is. Crowbar and Candido were trying some stuff but HOLY SHIT the rest was just abysmal. DUD

Ric Flair storms the ring and he’s mad at Vince Russo because of a tape that Russo is threatening to play. So Flair calls him out with no results, and Sting is shown wandering around the parking lot at one point. And then Russo shows us footage of himself and David Flair and Daffney breaking into Ric’s house and making fun of Ric’s daughter Ashley. So Russo steals one of Flair’s robes and then gets into a confrontation with Reid and teenaged Ashley on the way out. David was pretty funny here claiming that he had to swim in a shark-infested creek and sleep in a dank basement for 21 years while Reid and Ashley got all the attention. Probably not far from the truth. So back at the arena, Ric does a fired up promo as David and Daffney come out with Flair’s old title belts, and Daffney makes faces while Flair does a super-emotional promo with David to build up to a match at the Bash PPV that was sadly as terrible as you’d expect. So two things out of this: Ric pledges to retire if he loses to David, and also he demands a title shot at Jeff Jarrett tonight in exchange for Russo going against his wishes and showing the footage. And then Jarrett comes out and smashes the guitar on Flair to lay him out. I really wish this was building to something better because Flair was on fire here.

Meanwhile, Russo is back in the arena now and hauls Elizabeth off for more “tough love”.

HOUSE OF PAIN cage match: Elizabeth v. Madusa

Russo lays the badmouth on Liz while security guards the door, but it turns out that the technician repairing the roof is actually Lex Luger, who I guess had a uniform and fake moustache ready for just such an occasion. So he drops into the cage and puts Madusa in the torture rack, but before he can go after Russo, the security and New Blood geeks break into the cage and beat him down. But there’s only 12 guys in a locked cage, so it’s time for KEVIN NASH to hit the ring and beat everyone up by himself. He must be a big fan of Steven Seagal movies. But then Mike Awesome hits the ring and lays out Nash, so I guess this all counts as Elizabeth kidnapping number whatever. But before the heels fully retreat, Nash challenges Awesome to an ambulance match TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING. I’m astonished, but not really, that they took a pretty clever segment with a good heavy heat angle on Luger and somehow turned it into putting Kevin Nash over as the unbeatable superhero of WCW. AGAIN. As usual, Russo can’t get out of his own goddamn way with his booking nonsense, as he had a clever idea with the Luger deal but then just kept piling twists on top of it until veering into another feud completely. If you want to do an Awesome v. Nash ambulance match, just ADVERTISE THE MATCH beforehand and do it. You don’t need a 10 minute segment with Nash beating up the entire National Guard single-handedly to get there.

Meanwhile, Scott Steiner brawls with Rick and Tank in the parking lot while the Goldberg truck crushes cars in the background and costs WCW thousands of dollars.

Ambulance match: Mike Awesome v. Kevin Nash

I find it hilarious that Awesome is supposed to be the “career killer” when KEVIN NASH is right there. Also Hudson notes that he’s never seen Kevin Nash angrier and more focused than tonight. What about that time in the WWF when they ran out of his favorite caviar at catering and he had to hire someone to go get him some from a local restaurant? He was MAD that time. Awesome necks Nash on the top rope and grabs a chair, but Nash grabs it and they fight to the ramp. Over to the entrance, where Awesome sets up a table on the floor, but DDP comes out of the dressing room and hits him with a Diamond Cutter. “Where did he come from?” wonders Tony, apparently unaware of the giant door leading to the dressing room behind them. And then Nash and DDP team up to give Awesome the most terrifying powerbomb in recorded history off the ramp and through the table, nearly losing him on the way down, and then the ref stops the match before Awesome gets to the ambulance at 5:30.

Meanwhile, Norman and Ralphus celebrate their popcorn selling skills, but then Ralphus sticks his hand down his pants and puts it in the popcorn, thus ending their employment. This is supposed to be hilarious, by the way.

Eric Bischoff joins us, and for a guy that busts on the Bucks so much his entrance music sure sounds like a riff on Carry On Wayward Son. METHINKS HE DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH. So Bischoff calls out DDP and tells him to bring backup, so Page hits the ring and attacks, but gets beaten down 3-on-1 until Softball Sid returns to make the save and it’s a SHOCKING SWERVE as Sid turns on DDP and joins with the New Blood, which I don’t remember at all. Also it’s not really a shocking swerve when the same swerve happens EVERY TIME. I don’t think Sid even appeared again until he returned for real months later. So then Hulk Hogan makes the save and Bischoff makes more threats. So we take a break and return with the match that we’ve all been waiting for…

Hulk Hogan v. Horace Hogan v. Kidman

I don’t recall Horace joining the New Blood but I guess it must have happened on Thunder or WCW Worldwide or something? Horace just stands there while Kidman attacks Hulk and bounces off him before getting sent to the ramp. Back in the ring, Hulk suplexes Kidman and picks him up at one so we know what a useless jobber that Kidman really is, and then sends him to the floor and runs him into the railing. Back in the ring, Hulk makes the comeback on Kidman despite not even selling a move to this point in the match. And then Horace turns on Bischoff and slugs him at ringside, which allows the Filthy Animals to hit the ring and everyone attacks the Hogans, who hold them off with chairs. But then we get a SHOCKING SWERVE as Horace turns on Hulk and puts him down with a chairshot for the pin at 5:11. So Horace left the New Blood and joined the New Blood? I have no idea what the story is here. * But then Horace leaves with Torrie Wilson and we get more fighting amongst the New Blood over that.

WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Ric Flair

Jarrett has been WCW champion for nearly two weeks now so I’m assuming it’s time to change it again. They fight to the announce table right away and Flair beats on JJ with chops, but Jeff gets a chair and gains control with that. Jeff with a suplex on the floor and back in for a figure-four. Flair makes the ropes and makes the comeback with chops in the corner, but he goes up and Jeff slams him off the top. But Flair cradles him for the pin and the title at 6:10. Apparently the announcers weren’t told in advance of the title change so they were confused at Flair actually winning the match instead of a DQ or countout or whatever fuck finish they were expecting. Match was decent. **1/2. Oh and then Kevin Nash comes out and powerbombs Jarrett, literally through the ring with all the power of POOCHIE, and he gives Flair the title belt because Flair desperately needed the rub apparently. Dave joked in the Observer that Flair would be lucky to get two weeks as champion despite drawing a good rating for the first time in ages, but JOKES ON HIM. It was only one week.

The Luger deal was OK and the Feuding Flairs stuff was good and I guess I gotta take what I can get out of these shows.