The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 04.17.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 04.17.00

So it’s the night after Spring Stampede 2000 and the week after the GREAT RESET, with 50 weeks left to go in the life of WCW. I feel like if it was a hacky movie, you could prologue this episode with Tony introducing us to the final Nitro in 2001 and then we get a record scratch and Vince Russo narrates “Bro, I bet you’re wondering how we got here. Well, from DAY ONE…” and then we go from there.

Live from Rockford Files, IL, drawing 4300, with about 3000 paid. However, even sadder than the attendance was the rating, which immediately dropped back to the all time lows of the Kevin Sullivan era with a 2.47, which was actually LOWER than the lowest rating done by any of the Sullivan shows. So Russo was paying for himself already.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson & Mark Madden

Meanwhile, security is posted around the arena to make sure that there’s ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE for anyone from the Millionaire’s Club to make it into the show. They should have just waited and got a comp ticket from a radio station 2 hours before the show.

Vince Russo and the New Blood join us to start, with youngsters like Shane Douglas (debuted in 1986), Buff Bagwell (debuted in 1991), Chris Candido (debuted in 1986), Scott Steiner (debuted in 1986) and a very drunk Tammy Sytch (fired from the WWF on the downslide of her career years earlier). So Russo, still not comfortable doing live promos on TV, tries to do his big celebration while people are popping the balloons in the background and it’s annoying as fuck. And then Russo bitches about Jim Ross holding him down and then brings out new World champion Jeff Jarrett (debuted in 1986). Also he complains about the Hardcore title going to Terry Funk and not the New Blood, which is an odd complaint because there wasn’t anyone from the New Blood competing for it so he pretty much has himself to blame for that one. JJ continues bitching about Jim Ross holding him down, which is double hilarious because RAW completely destroyed them that week and did near record numbers. So Jeff complains about not being in Ready to Rumble, and challenges DDP to a rematch in the stupid triple cage match from the movie, at Slamboree. This company is so tone deaf, but to be honest that was probably forced on them by Warner Brothers.

Next up as this 20 minute death march of a promo continues, Eric Bischoff and Kimberly join us and we get more cheap sexual innuendo. And then we get to hear Kimberly TALK, to really make sure every goddamn person stuck watching this show wants to switch to the other channel. So Kim robotically complains about “DD-Me” making their marriage and their career all about himself. And she wanted to be an ACTRESS?!? But then DDP shows up and beats up security before heading down to the ring, with the truck being nice enough to play his music for his entrance. The New Blood all gangs up on him, but then the Bischoff security force SWERVES us, bro, and reveals themselves to be THE MILLIONAIRES CLUB, BRO!

We’re only one segment in and already this show is like a cookie cutter version of a 1998 nWo celebration episode that’s written by a 13 year old boy.

Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff dresses down the midcarders in the New Blood, singling out Booker in particular as someone who has been a continual disappointment to him despite only being in charge for a week. And then the security team bursts in and quits. And then it gets even worse for Eric as HULK HOGAN calls him on the phone and we can magically hear his side of the conversation as he threatens to kick Bischoff’s ass.

“The Perfect One” Shawn Stasiak v. Curt Hennig

Oh hell, they’re already doing the blowoff after one week. So there’s no explanation given for why or how Stasiak is “Perfect” all of a sudden. Miss Hancock immediately joins us at ringside and Hudson quips “She’s not here to call the results into the sheets!” Pretty sure Hudson spent a lot of years calling results into the sheets. Hennig bails off a hiptoss and pulls Stasiak out to the floor for a quick brawl and then tosses water at Mark Madden. Back in the ring, Hennig with a cartwheel to show off, but Stasiak slams him for two. Hennig with the Axe attack and the ref is bumped, here in the first match of the show, and he gets the Perfectplex with no ref. But then Stasiak pulls out a gimmick and knocks Hennig out, and finishes with his shitty looking F5 at 3:40. NO ONE CARES. Most of all Curt Hennig. DUD

Meanwhile, HULK HOGAN stares down security while dressed like a trainee in the Cobra Kai dojo, like when Johnny REALLY REALLY needed the money in season 1, and he uses JEDI MIND POWERS, BROTHER, to stare them into letting him into the building. Maybe it was midichlorians that he was injecting into his asscheeks for all those years? So we follow Hulk through the arena and into the ring, where apparently Stasiak has been beating on Curt Hennig for the entire time, and Hulk makes the save because he’s just that unselfish, dude. And then HULK HOGAN’S GOT THE STICK according to Tony, and he’s SHOOTING, BROTHER. The critics have apparently been asking HAS HULK HOGAN BEEN GETTING OLDER, BROTHER? Spoiler: Yes. HAS HULK HOGAN BEEN LOSING A STEP, BROTHER? Spoiler: Yes. Several. DOES HULK STILL HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER THE WRESTLING BUSINESS, DUDE? Spoiler: Not in this promotion, brother.

So Hulk bitches about Bischoff and Russo, saying that they can “force him to slip on a banana peel and pin him” but now they’re MESSING WITH TERRY BOLLEA, BROTHER and TAKING FOOD OF HIS KID’S MOUTH, BROTHER. Maybe they should have taken the booze out of his kid’s mouth. Just saying. And then TERRY BOLLEA calls out Billy Kidman and you know HE’S SHOOTING BROTHER BECAUSE IT’S HIS SHOOT NAME BROTHER. But then Kidman answers from the Nitro-Tron and challenges Hulk to a fight in the back, at which point Hulk abandons his challenge to make anyone fight him in the ring and runs to the back like a maniac looking for Kidman.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett is all about opportunity and offers a title shot to anyone who signs his open contract tonight.

WCW Hardcore title: Terry Funk v. THAT’S THE WALL BROTHER

Wall beats on Funk with his own chair, hoisting him by his own petard, but Funk goes low and ironically uses the very chair that Wall used, on the Wall. Funk goes up and moonsaults Wall to the floor, but misses by a foot and basically just lands facefirst on the mat. Well still better than Charlotte. Wall goes back to the chair psychology and beats on Funk with that before piledriving him on the announce table and the announcers are like “OH MY GOD THAT’S GOING TO KILL HIM!” while the crowd checks their phones in boredom. And it was 2000, so there really wasn’t much to see on your phone. Mostly people were just looking at the number pad and trying to come up with funny words to spell. So they head over to the entrance and they do a walking brawl with Funk doing stupid bumps like letting Wall slam a go-go dancer cage door repeatedly into his head, but then a mysterious force pushes tables onto Wall and Funk pins him to retain at 5:00. This was terrible and still probably the best match Wall has ever been in.

Meanwhile, the KRONIK shows up and wants a tag team title match TONIGHT in exchange for their help at the PPV, but Vince Russo doesn’t want to give it to them just yet. I don’t know why, does it really matter?

Meanwhile, someone has signed the open contract.

The Mamalukes v. The Harris Brothers

No, wait, Kronik beats up the Harris Brothers backstage and takes their spot.

#1 Contender match: The Mamalukes v. Bryan Clark & Brian Adams

They’re not actually the Kronik yet, but Tony names them during the match here. So they completely destroy the Mamalukes and Clark hits Hugger with the Meltdown and then they double chokeslam him and clear the ring. And then we clarify that it wasn’t a match after all. This was on the verge of getting them over huge but we never got the pinfall and it’s like leaving a chord unresolved in music. Still, despite that, they were about the only thing from this era that got over effectively. And have you SEEN their hair? My god, it’s beautiful, like 0.8 Joe Gomez. I bet they were using that hemp-infused conditioner.

Vampiro joins us to call out Sting and he certainly says some words that are mostly formed into complete sentences, you have to give him that. Sting is so bored of listening to his terrible promo that he decides to rappel in from the rafters and beats on Vamp while doing his own promo. So Sting beats on him with the bat and gives him a Scorpion Death Drop and leaves.

Diamond Dallas Page v. Mike Awesome

Page beats on him in the corner, but Awesome gets a springboard bodypress for two. Page with a hurricane DDT for two, but Awesome slugs him down for two. Page with a uranage for two. Page bails to the floor and Awesome follows with a gigantic flying clothesline to the floor. But then Page completely no-sells it and beats on Mike with a chair. Awesome punches him out of the ring, but Kanyon hits the ring and brawls with Awesome for an apparent DQ at 3:00 after the announcers just spent the past 2:00 bragging about how they’re not doing DQs in the new WCW. Awesome sets up the table while Tony tries to get “Nitro-Vision” over as a term for the big screen, and Kevin Nash hits the ring to attack Awesome and powerbombs him through a table. Man they’re doing a hell of a job getting Mike Awesome over after signing him away from ECW for a million bucks. Just top notch work here. 10/10, no notes. The staggering irony of them talking about not letting the old millionaires do the same selfish shit while KEVIN NASH does the same selfish shit week after week on this show is also top notch. Flying clothesline was pretty cool, though.

Meanwhile, Douglas and Bagwell complain about Lex Luger, because apparently that’s what the New Blood does: Bitch and fucking moan about everything week after week.

Tank Abbott joins us while Mark Madden freaks out, but this time his target is the owner of the Chicago Blackhawks. Oh, no, please, stop. Luckily Bob Probert is there to make the save.

Meanwhile, we get a commercial for NitroGirls.com, as I’m reminded that Stacy Keebs used to be “Skye”.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett is freaking out about whoever signed the open contract, but Russo promises to talk sense into the mysterious person as they avoid saying the name, as totally normal people do when having normal conversations. Apparently the execs wanted to actually announce a main event, but Vince Russo argued that it would be big ratings if they did a mystery opponent. Spoiler: The second hour did a 2.1 rating.

Lex Luger v. Shane Douglas

This would have been a hell of a match in 1989. Since we haven’t had a convoluted stipulation on the show yet, I’ve got you covered: If Vince Russo interferes in this match, then Douglas & Bagwell have to forfeit their titles to Lex Luger & Ric Flair. Luger beats on Douglas in the corner, but Shane comes back with a legsweep and chokes him out. Lex comes back with…never mind, here’s Buff Bagwell to interfere, because that’s fine, as long as Russo specifically doesn’t interfere. So Buff helps take out Lex and then goes after Liz, but a fan dressed as Sting attacks Douglas with a baseball bat, revealing himself to be Ric Flair for another DQ finish at 3:45. Man, I’m loving this new DQ-free WCW! There’s only been (checks notes) 2 DQs since they announced that they’re not doing DQ finishes anymore!

Meanwhile, Stone Cold Terry Bollea finds Billy Kidman in the parking lot and beats him to within an inch of his life while threatening to kill him, and then tosses him a dumpster to really solidify him as a main eventer. Wait, did I mention that Hulk carjacks the White Hummer and then repeatedly rams it into the dumpster containing the injured Billy Kidman? Because that happened too. Kidman was probably watching a replay of the Mike Awesome match on a monitor in there and going “At least I’m not THAT poor fucker!”

Meanwhile, Kidman goes out on a stretcher with a neck brace. You know, like Hulk Hogan did A WEEK AGO before showing up again at the PPV with absolutely no injuries?

WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Scott Steiner

Once again it’s only been ONE WEEK and they’re already doing the New Blood splitting up. Even by the logic of carrying over the previous regime, this makes no sense, since Jarrett and Steiner have been aligned for months before this. But don’t worry, there’s no chance of a DQ finish here, at least! Scott drops an elbow on Jeff and hits him with a press slam, but he charges and runs into a boot in the corner. Jeff puts the boots to him and goes up with a flying bodypress for two. Jarrett with a sleeper and Scott goes low and puts him in the Steiner Recliner, and, SHOCKINGLY, Booker runs in for the DQ at 3:23 and the crowd boos the finish out of the building. So weird, too, because they spent a good chunk of the show bragging about how they don’t do DQ finishes anymore. But don’t worry, Russo obviously has a plan to save the company, because he told us so.

Meanwhile, Stone Cold Terry hasn’t quite gotten enough revenge for doing a fake job a week back, so he runs around backstage looking for Bischoff and chases him into the ring while Hudson claims that Kidman is at a local hospital. LOCAL MEDICAL FACILITY. Jesus, do I have to do everything for these clowns? Also, why exactly is Terry Bollea so mad in this specific instance? He’s the one who called out Kidman, and then went after Kidman himself after Kidman was literally just standing in the parking lot talking shit. And then he completely murdered the guy and literally drove a Hummer into his lifeless body while it lay in a garbage bin, and somehow that STILL wasn’t enough for him. Anyway, Hulk threatens Bischoff with death as these baboons try to recreate the magic of Steve Austin in the same way Asylum Studios tries to recreate the magic of better movies, but Bret Hart comes out with a chair and wields it ominously as the show is thankfully put out of its misery for another week. To be fair, I’m pretty sure Asylum Studios at the very least actually knows how to TURN A FUCKING PROFIT.

HONEYMOON OVER.

Although the reset episode was mostly interesting due to Russo’s talent for booking a bonkers and yet captivating first week of TV, and the PPV was not bad, this was all right back to the bad habits and nonsensical character motivations that defined his career in WCW to that point. The big team of underdog talent is already turning on each other after one show, the “washed up stars” are beating the New Blood senseless, and as Kimberly Guilfoyle famously promised before Trump lost in 2020…

God help us all on this journey to the end.