The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 04.10.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 04.10.00

Home sick today with a cold that I can’t shake, so I took a Sudafed this morning and MAN am I now in the right headspace to review this show.

Anyway, it’s time for THE GREAT RESET. Or reboot, whatever. This was supposed to herald a return to greatness for this show, but in fact it proved instead to be the start of a countdown to the end of the company. 51 weeks to go.

Live from Denver, CO, drawing 9000, although only 6000 were paid. Still better than they’d been doing. But after going dark for a week and mortgaging the future of the company on Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo’s genius, they couldn’t even sell out the arena? Ratings were up a bit, with a 3.06 rating, but that was very short-lived, like with every Russo ratings bump.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Scott Hudson & Mark Madden

Everyone in the company is in the ring to start, for the start of the new era, even Crowbar who was supposed to be in the hospital and near death! So you know it’s important. Tony: “Tonight we don’t know what’s going on!” I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. First up, Jeff Jarrett complains that he had a “master plan” with Vince Russo that got derailed by a group of “good old boys” who were all jealous and are now sitting at home watching. Yeah they’re the smart ones.

Vince Russo comes out, after apparently swearing to never appear on camera according to the announcers, and he bitches about giving his life to the WWF and then coming to WCW to beat Vince McMahon at his own game. But then the “good old boys” used their political BS to bring him down and now they’re at home watching. What the fuck is he talking about? And then one day he was told they were doing to have a change in direction and everyone knew it sucked, so Benoit and Malenko and Saturn and Guerrero and Douglas all knew it sucked, so they left and they’re gone. So Russo promises that the “inflated egos afraid to lose their spot” era is done (which is rich coming from him) and then Eric Bischoff interrupts and oh boy you know something big is going to happen! Maybe they’ll FIGHT! But then they hug and OH MY GOD THEY SWERVED US. I’VE BEEN SWERVED.

So Bischoff bitches about the “good old boys network” as well as though ANYONE WATCHING THE SHOW UNDERSTANDS WHAT THE FUCK HE’S TALKING ABOUT and he reflects on mistakes he’s made, like Sid Vicious. And then he claims that Hulk Hogan was his biggest mistake. And we cut to the back where Sting, Lex Luger, Sid Vicious and DDP are all watching, suddenly no longer enemies. Bischoff declares everyone in the ring “New Blood”, with guys like Brian Knobs and Van Hammer apparently classified as “new blood”, and that brings out the supposed old blood. Eric: “What’s that Sid, no softball game today? No lunch with Michael Jordan, Sting? I’m glad you all came to work today.” Eric accuses Page of abandoning him for the past six months, and making Lex a multimillionaire after the WWF didn’t want anything to do with him.

For our next burning hot take, Vince Russo calls Ric Flair “a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe” and promises to flush him down the toilet personally. And then Russo announces that all the titles are going to be stripped tonight, and everyone hands them over to Russo. Except for Sid, who tells Bischoff to come take it from him. So Eric heads over and tells Sid to lay him out if he wants, but then he’ll be FIRED. Yeah that worked out pretty badly for the last guys who called that bluff, didn’t it? Bischoff: “What’s the matter Sid, can’t find your scissors?” And then the crowd doesn’t bite on the line so he REPEATS THE SPOT. And that convinces Sid to turn over the title, as Bischoff promises to crown the new champions at Spring Stampede, which is the first mention of the PPV that’s SIX DAYS AWAY.

It’s true, this opening segment lived up to every legend I’ve heard about it. What a complete disaster on every level. The “new blood” in the ring were supposed to be the babyfaces, but everyone was cheering for the washed up megastars. And you literally needed a video game walkthrough to translate the references, like “the good old boys network”, which no one watching could possibly understand.

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan shows up and Sting warns them that Bischoff is coming for him, and HE’S NOT RIBBING YA BROTHER.

Diamond Dallas Page v. Lex Luger

This a mini-tournament of the overpaid megstars, with the eventual winner facing Jeff Jarrett for the WCW World title at Spring Stampede. Because what would a new PPV era be without Jeff Jarrett challenging for the World title? So both Luger and Page have their music clipped off by THE POWERS THAT BE. Lex can’t even pose! They trade hammerlocks and Lex goes low and puts the boots to Page to take over. Can you imagine the balls to put over “the new blood” era of the company and the very first match you throw out on TV is Lex Luger v. DDP? Page makes a comeback and Lex clotheslines him out of the corner. Luger with backbreakers, but then Buff Bagwell hits the ring and does his whole entrance, which has Lex so distracted that DDP is able to hit him in the nuts and stomp him down. “It’s only segment 2!” declares Tony as though we should know what the fuck he’s talking about. So Buff wanders around hitting on the managers, and DDP hits the Diamond Cutter to finish at 4:22 to advance. Complete garbage. ½*

Meanwhile, Hulk is looking for Eric and Curt Hennig wants answers from Vince Russo after being his right hand man. So Vince offers Hennig a match with Jarrett tonight where he’ll get the title shot instead of JJ if he wins.

Tank Abbott joins us and calls him a shootfighter who only knows how to kick ass. So he calls out Bill Goldberg, who is still injured and off TV, so Tank is gonna beat people up until Bill returns. And in this case, he goes over and beats up Mark Madden as this show continues to make no sense.

Meanwhile, Russo tells Jarrett to trust him. “What do I look like, JJ Dillon to you?” Hang on, let me check my 2000 internet insider guide….OH MAN WHAT A SICK BURN!

Billy Kidman joins us, and he’s calling out Hulk Hogan, based on stuff Hogan said on the internet, and he’s SPITTING HOT FIRE, saying that Hulk only got his orange tan from being in the spotlight for way too long. So Kidman calls him out, wanting to know if Hogan’s balls are “as big as his bald spot”, and it’s like we’re living out our very own Drake v. Kendrick beef here. I’m gonna be honest, I don’t know anything about either guy but I read about it on Twitter all the time so I’m assuming it’s an apt comparison to make. So Hulk comes out and he’s heard all about Kidman whining about his push and getting his break, but Kidman is “p-whipped”. So Kidman attacks and they brawl on the floor, as Hulk kicks his ass and javelins him into the ringpost, just making him look like a complete jobber while the crowd cheers wildly for Hulk. So then Bischoff joins in and pretends to help Hulk, but it’s a SWERVE and he hits Hogan with a chair, allowing Kidman to get a “pin” with Bischoff making the count. This would only get stupider as it went along, for those keeping track.

Meanwhile, Hogan is ENRAGED and throwing chairs around.

Meanwhile, Ric Flair is the next one to arrive and he gets to watch the slanderous accusations levied at him by Bischoff on replay. Just to clarify, if Terry Taylor was part of the “good old boys network” that was sent home, then why is he still producing the show? Or are we supposed to only “know” about Kevin Sullivan and just ignore Taylor’s involvement? My 2000 internet guide is unclear on this.

Ric Flair joins us to be humiliated next, as he goes on a crazy rant about various spots stars, but Scott Steiner interrupts and he’s like “HOLD MY BEER” and goes on an even crazier rant about all the champions in the WWF coming from WCW, which allows Shane Douglas to attack Flair from behind. “He doesn’t even work here anymore!” declares Tony. As though anyone had even noticed. And that’s the segment. I guess they couldn’t get anyone to jump from the WWF like they wanted, so Shane Douglas was the next best thing.

Meanwhile, Bret Hart is in the crowd although that didn’t lead to anything.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene reminds us that Shane Douglas asked for his release and got it, and now he’s back but he doesn’t work here anymore! So Shane reminds us that he hates Ric Flair, in case like most of the viewership you’re not a longtime ECW viewer.

Sting v. Sid Vicious

Winner of this faces DDP tonight in the main event. Sid beats on Sting in the corner, but Sting immediately comes back with the Stinger splash and clotheslines him to the floor. Tony: “Sid Vicious is well known as a man who will never quit!” I’m just gonna leave that one right there. Sid drops Sting on the railing outside and goes to work on him in the ring with a cobra sleeper. Sid slams him for two but it’s a double down while the Wall joins us with a new look like a low rent Sandman, and a table. The ref is bumped while Sting makes the comeback with a Stinger splash, but the Wall hits Sid with a chair and chokeslams him through a table at ringside. So Sid is counted out at 6:10 to send Sting to the finals. And that’s it for Sid, who did one quick match on Thunder and then didn’t return for another six months.

Ric Flair hits the ring again to make a challenge to Shane Douglas, WHO DOESN’T EVEN WORK HERE, while Hulk Hogan beats up people backstage and threatens to kill Bischoff.

Meanwhile, David Arquette hits Jeff Jarrett with a guitar at the premiere for Ready to Rumble, which I’m sure won’t lead to anything.

Jeff Jarrett v. Curt Hennig

They brawl on the floor to start, and Hennig takes over in the ring with a sleeper, but then Shawn Stasiak interrupts, using “Exodus” as his music. “That was Meat in the WWF!” So he goes after Curt and the ref gets bumped, and Stasiak attacks and hits some kind of godawful fireman’s carry slam, and Jarrett finishes with the Stroke at 4:25. DUD. Again, this is supposed to be a tournament of “new blood” and everyone in it is over 40 and no one else is even getting a shot at winning.

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan has been tipped off that Bischoff is in a skybox, so he randomly goes bursting into skyboxes looking for him.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash is just hanging out backstage.

Ric Flair v. Shane Douglas

They’re both in street clothes and Tony stresses that it’s not a match, even though they’re working a match in the ring and there’s a referee. Flair hits Douglas with chops in the corner while the announcers discuss the “dirt sheets” and how Shane used to do interviews burying Flair “in another organization”. Wait, so they’ll literally name former gimmicks in the WWF but won’t say the name “ECW”? They fight on the floor and then back in the ring, where Russo hits the ring and hits Flair with a baseball bat for a DQ at 2:20 here in this non-match.

Kevin Nash joins us next, drawing the first big reaction of anyone on the show, putting over the departed Scott Hall and wondering “Where is the Dog when you need him?” So Nash is SHOOTING, declaring that Hall and Nash saved Russo from being decapitated by Shawn Michaels in the WWF, and that Bischoff should still be serving coffee to Verne Gagne in Minnesota. But then Mike Awesome hits the ring, and no one cares or knows who it is, and the announcers let us know that he’s the ECW World champion, and he attacks Kevin and breaks the crutch on his back. Awesome’s promo here is…something. Whatever they paid him to get him away from Heyman, it was too much.

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan is on the phone to his attorney while hanging out in his limo, but the WHITE HUMMER returns and smashes up the limo, probably killing Hogan, and we learn that Bischoff is the one driving the Hummer. But who raised the briefcase?!?

Meanwhile, we learn that Hogan isn’t quite dead, and Kidman spraypaints “NB” on his lifeless corpse while he’s strapped to the gurney. For “New Blood” you see.

Diamond Dallas Page v. Sting

Winner of this faces Jeff Jarrett for the title at Spring Stampede, which again is six days away and we have no other matches announced. Sting immediately hits a pair of Stinger Splashes and goes for the Scorpion, but Page makes the ropes. Page with a belly to belly for two, but now Jeff Jarrett hits the ring and goes after Kimberly, while Vampiro also hits the ring and turns on Sting to end their partnership after (checks notes) a week. And Page finishes with the Diamond Cutter to advance to the PPV at 3:40. ½*. And then Jarrett attacks Page, but hits Kimberly with the guitar by mistake, which I guess is supposed to mean something after months of Jarrett hitting everyone in the company with the stupid guitar gimmick.

Meanwhile, Bischoff and Russo celebrate with Jarrett and send him back out to address the crowd again. So he promises to give Page’s wife more wood, and this brings out Page for the brawl. Lex Luger hits the ring and gets overpowered by Scott Steiner, the Wall, Vampiro and Buff Bagwell. Sting makes the save, but then Booker and the Cat join in for the heels and the NEW BLOOD beats the Millionaire’s Club down to end the show, with Russo & Bischoff watching from the stage. But then Bret Hart comes out and stares them down, which again, leads nowhere.

So yeah, next up the Spring Stampede 2000 show, with only one match announced and not even a hint of what they’re doing with all the other titles. Not surprisingly, it drew one of their lowest buyrates of all time. I don’t even remember who ended up with the belts, so at least it’ll be relatively fresh for me. And this show somehow made the World title even more worthless than when Sid was defending against Jeff Jarrett every week for three months straight. So that’s something.

But it wasn’t boring, you have to give them that. The matches were all terrible and you literally needed an Ovaltine decoder ring to figure out why people were doing what they were doing, but lots of stuff happened and people were talking loudly, so that’s I guess better than what we’ve been getting under Kevin Sullivan. Excuse me, I meant The Good Old Boys Network.

A legendarily terrible episode of television that lived down to everything I’ve ever heard about it. Highest recommendation.