The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 03.27.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 03.27.00

Welcome to the lamest of lame duck shows, as Kevin Sullivan was fired the week before and replaced with Russo & Bischoff team, but they weren’t scheduled to start producing TV until April 10. So we get this fill-in episode that was deliberately set up to not build to anything and be erased immediately afterwards.

Live from South Padre Island, TX, drawing 5000 freebies

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Mark Madden

Hey at least the setup looks different this week.

Mean Gene joins us to start, and takes forever doing a torturing introduction of Diamond Dallas Page, who disappeared for a few weeks after the Buff Bagwell storyline was dropped cold. Kimberly comes out first and does a dramatic introduction while wearing a dress that is basically just mesh. And then Page proceeds to just push the hell out of Ready to Rumble and his upcoming book. But this brings out Jeff Jarrett in his last appearance as US champion after having a grand total of ONE title defense in the past three months, against Vampiro. Jeff’s big threat is to crash the world premiere of Ready to Rumble. That movie crashed hard enough on its own. Good thing this was erased and they didn’t try to run this as a main event program or anything…

…wait, they did WHAT?

Back from the break, Tony and Mark then get to talk about the power structure of WCW, and they celebrate the returns of Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo as the new heads of creative, and we’ve got some exciting news: By the end of this show, we’ll have Russo’s decision on whether or not he’ll return to work with Eric Bischoff in creative!

Has anyone even said the name “Vince Russo” on Nitro up until this point? Unless you’re on the internet how you as a fan even know who the fuck they were talking about?

Meanwhile, Jimmy Hart fights with ManCow because reasons.

Meanwhile, The Artist meets up with some Power Plant jobbers backstage and offers one of them a title shot tonight.

Meanwhile, at the pool, the nWo hangs out at the pool.

Meanwhile, Booker complains that Don Harris is ducking out of defending the tag team titles because of a fake injury. So he’ll face Ron instead in a singles match tonight.

Cruiserweight title (?): The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea v. Michael Modest

Modest of course had a bit of fame from Beyond the Mat and I guess this is WCW’s way of cashing in. Also they play someone else’s generic music and no one comes out. OK then. Modest gets some shine while the announcers immediately won’t shut the fuck up about Russo and Bischoff, putting over how much they HATE EACH OTHER and won’t work together because they hate each other so much. They’re literally like cats and dogs! Modest clotheslines the Artist to the floor and they do a crappy brawl out there while Chris Candido comes out to watch, slowly and tentatively, like he’s accepting the cuck chair in the hotel room while someone has their way with Sunny in exchange for coke. Also Chavo Guerrero is there for some reason arguing with Paisley and they do near-falls which no one is even paying attention to. Prince collides with Paisley after a rollup that the camera literally doesn’t even show, and Modest hits a Beach Break for the pin at 3:37 as the announcers hastily change their mind and declare that it’s been a non-title match all along. They literally ignored the entire match and pretended to not even know Modest and it was really embarrassing. 1/2*

Oh also Sid Vicious won’t be here tonight but has put a $500,000 bounty on the head of Hulk Hogan while he’s gone. So that’s how his World title reign ended.

Meanwhile, the midcarders are partying on the beach.

Meanwhile, Vampiro wants to talk with Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Hart.

Booker v. Ron Harris

Ron clotheslines Booker to the floor, where Don beats on him with one arm, and back in for a sideslam that gets two. Booker comes back with a spinebuster and goes after Don, but Jeff Jarett runs down and takes the ref, allowing Don to come in for the H-Bomb and Ron gets the pin at 1:35. DUD. Afterwards, Harlem Heat 2000 comes out and attacks, but Booker and Kidman fight them off.

Meanwhile, Vampiro thinks that a $500,000 bounty makes him SICK and warns Hulk to watch his back. Vampiro is the worst agent of chaos I’ve ever seen. Also Hulk apparently needed Vampiro to tell him that Sid was behind the bounty even though the announcers were talking about it for the whole show thus far.

Hulk Hogan joins Mean Gene in the ring, claiming that Sid is a coward who has turned tail and run for the woods. He’s sick of Sid and wants their lengthy feud done once and for all! You know, that feud that started LAST WEEK. Hulk puts over Vampiro as a young lion of the future, and reminds him of Hulkamania and the momentum he used to have years ago. But then we cut to the top of the hotel, where THE WALL is standing. “That’s the Wall up there, brother!” Tony: “LOOK AT THAT HAND UP THERE, THAT MEANS CHOKESLAM!”

So I guess we have a main event. Apparently Hogan’s promo was so long and rambling because Wall somehow missed his cue and forgot to go to the top of the hotel on time. This segment may have saved the show, we’ll see.

The Jung Dragons v. The Mamalukes & Disco Inferno

The Mamalukes tell Disco to stay out of the ring, which makes them babyfaces in my book. The Mamalukes destroy the Dragons and clear the ring, but the Dragons regroup with dropkicks and Kaz hits Vito with a crossbody for two. Over to Johnny Hugger, and Noble (who has lost his Kato mask) comes in with a spinning slam. Hugger presses him to the floor while Tony has BREAKING NEWS. VINCE RUSSO HAS AGREED TO COME BACK TO HEAD UP CREATIVE. Who could possibly care? So the announcers completely ignore the match and thus I will also completely ignore the match. When in Rome! Anyway, the Harris Brothers come out and attack the Mamalukes for some reason even though they were just feuding with Booker and Kidman 30 minutes ago, and Disco gets triple-teamed and pinned by the Dragons at 4:41. And the Harris Boys of course destroy the Dragons as well.

Ric Flair & Lex Luger v. Sting & Vampiro

Oh my god, Tony explains the entire Russo and Bischoff beef and now it all makes sense. You see, Eric Bischoff did things one way, but then Vince Russo came in last September and he liked to do things another way! SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY! Sting immediately brawls with Lex outside and over to the pool. Lex wants a piledriver on the cement, but Sting backdrops him into the water while Vampiro does a figure-four on Flair in the ring. So the camera completely ignores the match in the ring while Sting and Luger fight to the beach and Sting gets a piledriver and pins Luger in the water at 5:00. At least the crowd sounded excited for it. Original finish was Vampiro going over Flair to win so he could go over, but WOO, by god, that doesn’t work for him, Mean Gene, woo!

Meanwhile, Booker gives his thoughts on Russo & Bischoff, which is that he doesn’t care.

Meanwhile, more partying on the beach, as the kids are all really excited about athlete’s foot spray. As they usually are.

La Parka v. Meng

Tony: “I need to say something about this Russo and Bischoff alliance”. OH I’M SORRY YOU’VE BEEN SO SILENT ABOUT IT FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW. So Parka’s forced promo this week features him calling Meng “Jungle Jim” and “knocking the kinks out of his Angela Davis looking natural”. I believe that may have been the racist remark that Parka objected to doing and which resulted in him quitting. So Meng kicks his ass and puts him away with the Tongan Death Grip at 0:52 and that’s the end of La Parka on Nitro.

Meanwhile, Buff Bagwell hits on some girls in the pool, and Scott Steiner is so upset that he wants to go beat him up.

Hugh Morrus v. Terry Funk

BREAKING NEWS: Tony announces that the next week’s show is The Best of WCW Nitro and Thunder since September. So what will they do with the other hour and 56 minutes? They slug it out and Tony has VERY VERY IMPORTANT NEWS: Russo and Bischoff will be taking two weeks to sort things out and return April 10, which will be hard because they HATE EACH OTHER SO DAMN MUCH and just don’t get along. Funk gets the moonsault for two, but Hugh powerbombs him and then misses a flying elbow. So Funk bails to the floor and goes to the sand, and Hugh powerbombs him on it. I’ve heard that can be very abrasive to the skin. Actually it was sand on top of a stage, which is even worse because it looked totally safe and unimpressive but Funk apparently messed up his back really badly on the bump for nothing. Back in the ring, Hugh immediately clotheslines Funk back to the floor, but then misses an elbow from the apron. And then Dustin runs in and attacks Morrus and Funk with a chair. Morrus fights him off and hits Funk with the moonsault, but Dustin attacks both guys for a no contest at 5:00 and then disappears for the rest of the year after Thunder, and doesn’t have another match on TV until 2001.

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan gets ANOTHER promo, as he calls Vampiro “the brother of the blood” and then threatens to throw the Wall into the Gulf of Mexico. From this, Tony interprets that Hulk is putting up $500,000 of his own money and thus the main event tonight is for ONE MILLION DOLLARS. That’s like a dollar for everyone left watching at this point.

Scott Steiner & Jeff Jarrett v. Buff Bagwell & Curt Hennig

Jarrett decides to let the women stay at ringside, which has Curt Hennig pissed off because Bagwell is gonna be too busy with them. And indeed that’s exactly what happens, leaving Hennig along to get double-teamed for a bit before Buff makes the save. Jarrett beats on Buff in the corner, but Bagwell comes back with a neckbreaker. Hennig comes in and wants the Perfectplex, but no chance of Scott Steiner going up for THAT. Back to Buff, and Steiner throws him with a suplex as the announcers go back to ignoring the match and talking about April 10. Hennig gets a hot tag but the girls all get involved and Bagwell gets distracted again. Curt wants the Perfectplex again but Steiner still isn’t going up for it, and Jarrett hits him with the guitar so the Steiner Recliner can finish at 4:30. Just a complete mess and Hennig was beyond checked out. Again, I do not blame him whatsoever.

ONE MILLION DOLLAR BOUNTY MATCH: Hulk Hogan v. THE WALL, BROTHER!

Before the match even starts, Tony is already more excited for April 10 than he’s been for any episode of Nitro ever. Presumably including the one we’re literally watching right now that’s supposedly for one million dollars in the main event. The Wall immediately puts the boots to Hulk as I’m not really clear on what the conditions for getting the million dollars actually are. Apparently Wall doesn’t have to beat Hulk, he just needs to hurt him. So what is Hulk putting up $500,000 for, exactly? So if Wall injures Hulk then he gets the full million, I guess? They fight to the floor after some terrible punches in the ring, and Wall sets up his table, but Hulk gets a chair and just brutalizes Wall with it, really laying it in, brother. Back in the ring, Tony notes that Wall didn’t even feel the chairshots on his back. Yeah that’s not a good thing. Wall with the CHOKESLAM but Hulk no-sells it and makes the comeback with the big boot and legdrop, brother, and then Wall no-sells THAT. So Vampiro runs in for the DQ at 4:30 and they double-team Wall, sending them through his own table. But Wall even no-sells his own table and continues his PATH OF RAGE as we’re done for the week. I don’t even know what the point of the million dollars was supposed to be. Can you collect a $1,000,000 bounty on a DQ?

Next time: It’s Best of Nitro 2000 as we put a bullet in the Kevin Sullivan regime once and for all and begin the long and very agonizing final descent of WCW into the point of no return. But hey, at the very least I can guarantee I’m gonna make it through Spring Stampede 2000.

As for this episode, I was expecting a nice boring “go away” for Kevin Sullivan and ended up with an all-time trainwreck, so it certainly overdelivered. Of course, the immediate problem is that before they even appear on screen, Bischoff and Russo have already overstayed their welcome with me. And as I noted before, if I’m a wrestling fan watching Nitro without being on the internet in 2000, there’s no context for who Vince Russo is even supposed to be! They never connected him to “The Powers That Be” stuff, and no one even knew who he was when he was in the WWF, at least not to the point where you can stick him on TV and get a reaction. Also, as a wrestling fan watching this wrestling TV show, what the fuck is “Eric Bischoff is in charge of Creative” even supposed to mean to me? Is he a matchmaker? A commissioner? What does “disagreements in how to use Hulk Hogan” mean in terms of the TV show?

And that’s why this whole thing was doomed to fail two weeks before it even got reset and “fixed”. See you next week I guess.