The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 03.13.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 03.13.00

Hey remember at Superbrawl 2000 when Rowdy Roddy Piper showed up as the special troubleshooting referee and then his involvement was never explained and then was never mentioned again? Just remembered that. Good times.

Live from Providence, RI, drawing 6000, with half of those being freebies. Not that you could tell, what with the fired up lively crowd of…never mind I can’t even pretend to finish that sentence without laughing.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Mark Madden

Ric Flair finds Lex Luger backstage, pledging his allegiance to Team Package for all time. He’s “riding with the Ferrari” now, as opposed to the old truck that was Arn Anderson. And presumably he’ll deliver Arn as another part of the team as well.

Ric Flair joins us in the ring to start, promising to deliver AA and bring him into the fold of Team Package and get an apology from him for whatever I’m assuming happened on Thunder between them. So Ric goes on a wacky rant about how the Four Horsemen are dead and now they’re TEAM PACKAGE and all the girls will go wild. So Arn comes out and accuses Flair of letting Luger’s ego run the show and destroy them. I’m very confused because they haven’t actually told us or showed us what the issue with Ric and Arn even is. Next, Arn calls out Hulk Hogan and says he’s not getting involved with anything and then leaves. So Hulk is all revved up and runs in to brawl with Flair, but Lex Luger attacks him with the belt and the heels beat Hulk down and hurt his shoulder. Oh man, he just broke his arm a few weeks back and now he’s got ANOTHER arm injury? How much can one man endure? By which I mean me, watching this atrocious show.

Meanwhile, Rocket Raccoon hangs out with Disco and the Nitro Girls at Brown University. Isn’t that kind of a racially insensitive school name?

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan may have broken his arm or shoulder or something. How can he win a strap match if his strapping arm is injured?

Three Count v. The Jung Dragons

Was this the first meeting of these teams? The Dragons trap Helms in the corner and do some impressive high flying to keep him there, and it’s over to Shannon, who quickly gets tossed and hit with a flying dive by Kaz. So Evan launches Helms onto the pile and then presses Jimmy Yang onto the pile, and then dives onto everyone himself. And then Shannon Moore heads back in and HE dives onto everyone! Back in the ring, Shannon goes up and Jamie Noble (in his ridiculous Kato mask, as if anyone in a Kato mask would ever get over as a serious wrestler) cuts him off with a superplex and everyone goes flying out again. But then Shannon takes Jamie down with a drop sleeper and pins him at 3:35. This was just 8 million MOVEZ but holy crap was it 1000 times better than any of the jobberriffic cruiserweight matches they were doing at this point. ***1/2

Meanwhile, Arn Anderson leaves the building and goes home to see his kids, leaving Curt Hennig on his own tonight.

Meanwhile, Miss Hancock runs into El Dandy and Silver King, who wonder if they excite her groin. As if WCW didn’t have enough lawsuits to deal with.

The Wall v. Bam Bam Bigelow

Wall sets up the table at ringside just in case, and then handcuffs Bam Bam to the turnbuckle for an immediate DQ while David Flair & Crowbar (both wearing neck braces like Tony Khan wannabes) and immediately both get destroyed and put through tables. I have no idea what any of this was meant to accomplish or what any of these people are doing at the PPV. Well, we had a couple of good segments to start the show at least.

Jeff Jarrett and his harem of women that he constantly ignores join us. The Harris Brothers want to send them away this time, but Jarrett stops them and then changes his mind and sends them away himself. Why does WCW keep these people employed? Both in kayfabe and real life? So Jarrett shows a highlight reel of himself smashing guitars on Sid Vicious and pinning him THREE TIMES in the past month. So this brings out Sid, who will apparently be facing the Harris Brothers tonight in a tag match, with Vampiro as a partner again.

Meanwhile, Bam Bam Bigelow vows to avenge David Flair at Uncensored by facing the Wall again. Why does Bigelow care about the Wall killing those geeks?

Meanwhile, Harlem Heat 2000 challenge Booker & Kidman for the PPV as well.

Meanwhile, we take another look at the guy with the giant arms from last week, as Paul Orndorff rushes around to sign him.

Booker & Kidman v. Lane & Rave

So now Lodi, aka Idol, has been repackaged AGAIN into “Rave” this time. This week’s “WCW gets sued, LOL” saw Billy Idol’s legal team sending them a cease & desist to stop the blond haired leather-clad guy named “Idol” from being featured, so it’s another name change. Kidman gets double-teamed while Miss Hancock joins us at ringside again for the neverending angle with Lane & “Rave”. This has gone on so long that he’s had three different gimmicks over the course of it. So Hancock and Torrie snipe at each other outside and Booker hits Rave with the sidekick and Kidman gets the pin at 2:50. This apparently angers Booker and they squabble about that to continue another angle that no one cares about, going nowhere.

Lex Luger v. Curt Hennig

Hilariously, they show a replay of Hulk Hogan getting beaten in the opening angle, and Flair delivering the shots with the weight belt is synced up with the beat of Luger’s music by wonderful happenstance. I’ll take what small amusement I can get here. Before the match starts, Hulk Hogan returns to the arena, having hijacked the ambulance he was carried out in, and he’s looking for revenge or maybe another contract renegotiation. Hennig attacks and beats on Lex with chops before hitting the kneelift and necksnap. Lex cuts him off and whips him into the corner. Hennig fights back with a shot from the cast and an Axe attack, but then Flair runs in for the DQ at 1:35 before this can go anywhere. ½*. Another beatdown follows, but Hulk makes the save. So Hulk wants a tag team match TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING.

Meanwhile, Vampiro cuts a promo from the back like he’s Raven. Also he’s got a cast on his arm from Luger, like everyone else on the show. I don’t even remember him getting it broken but guys getting their arms broken has lost all meaning by this point.

Meanwhile, Brian Knobs looks for the Dog backstage and finds him drinking out of the toilet.

Meanwhile, Ronnie Raymond continues burying Disco Inferno at the party with the help of Three Count. They gave him ZEROES! See that’s the lowest you can score someone, that’s why it’s funny. If they gave him “DUD” that would more accurately sum up Disco’s wrestling career.

Meanwhile, Sid Vicious SAYS SOMETHING REALLY LOUD and then says something really soft and then laughs and finishes YELLING LOUD AGAIN. There you go, every Sid interview in WCW ever. He’s like a human Pixies song.

The Dog v. Norman Smiley

Man I feel really bad about prematurely having hope for this episode an hour ago. So the Demon comes out and brawls with Brian Knobs because WHY THE HELL NOT, but Lane & Rave chase off the Demon to continue that scintillating story and Norman finishes the Dog with the chicken wing at 1:00. Look, giving a Dog a chicken wing is really dangerous, everyone knows that. He could have choked. Oh also the Dog bites the ref’s leg afterwards. I figure I’d better mention that detail. So then after all that, Brian Knobs does a promo and wants a fight from anyone in the back.

Meanwhile, Norman continues running away from the Dog. See he thinks he’s a real dog, that’s why it’s funny. You’ll sometimes see dogs and they act adorably and think they’re people, but this is a humorous reversal on that trope. I don’t remember if humorous dog memes were a thing back in 2000 but I have to think they existed as long as the internet was around. Probably the first thing sent through ARPAnet back in the 80s was an ASCII drawing of a dog pretending to answer a telephone.

Terry Funk v. Brian Knobs

So Terry answers the open challenge and they hit each other with a trash can until Funk bumps to the floor, but Three Count hits the ring and triple teams Knobs before putting Funk on top for the pin at 0:44. Just for context, WCW booked hardcore legend Terry Funk to need the help of THREE COUNT in order to beat career midcarder Brian Knobs in a hardcore match. Oh and then Funk beats up Three Count with the chicken from last week, as Tony is concerned about salmonella poisoning. This show is like the wrestling equivalent of salmonella. And then Dustin hits the ring and beats up Funk with the bullrope and it’s TO THE BACK.

Meanwhile, Fit Finlay challenges Vampiro to a falls count anywhere match at Uncensored. Nice of them to finally provide context for their brawl last week that went nowhere. But…why? Don’t we already have enough shitty stipulation matches that no one cares about without throwing another one on the pile? Is a single person going to buy the show for this match?

Sid Vicious & Vampiro v. The Harris Brothers

Sid and Vamp double-team a Harris in the corner to start and Vamp gets a flying bodypress, but he walks into a chokeslam from the other Harris as there are some very noticeable empty seats on the camera side. I’d say they should get some seat fillers but apparently that’s the sign of a dying company so maybe just leave them empty? Vamp gets stomped down in the corner as the PPV hype is just all over the place here with three different unconnected matches getting hyped at the same time in a formless shotgun spread of promotion. They were just desperately hyping something, anything, everything, trying to find something for people to buy tickets. Meanwhile the PPV was at about 3000 tickets sold at this point, and keep in mind they were filling arenas of 10,000 people in near legit sellouts just two months before this. It’s kind of scary how fast things can fall apart and end up beyond saving. Speaking of which, The Harrissesesses hit the H Bomb on Vamp, but Sid tags himself in and powerbombs a Harris for the pin at 3:10. This was terrible and Vampiro continues to look like a complete doofus who can’t hang with any top guys, killing his momentum by the week. DUD. And it’s not like Sid and Vampiro were set to challenge for the tag titles after the PPV (sorry, spoiler) so I don’t know why they were put over here.

Stevie Ray v. Disco Inferno

Disco begs off because he’s a manager and offers a tag title match against Harlem Heat, but the Mamalukes are busy brawling in the back with the Harris Boys and aren’t available. So the Heat all beat Disco up on the floor and then into the ring, Stevie finishes with the Slapjack at 2:15. This, as with most things on the show, had no point and led to nothing.

Lex Luger & Ric Flair v. Hulk Hogan & Curt Hennig

Hulk slugs away on Luger in the corner to start and follows with a corner clothesline, and Hennig comes in and adds chops. Over to Flair and they trade chops in the corner. Flair bumps to the floor and Hulk gives him a devastating, skull-rattling chairshot for the ages, which ruffles Flair’s hair slightly as it passes by him harmlessly. Back in the ring, Hennig keeps throwing chops on Luger, but Hulk comes in and the Team Package double-teams him and puts the boots to him in the corner. Hulk sells for a while and this is boring as fuck as the 3000 comped freebies can barely muster up a chant for him and we’re BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA as everyone wanders around the ring throwing terrible punches. “These four men are going 110%!” notes Tony. I’d hate to see 40% then. Luger hits everyone with the bat but Hulk just keeps punching people and he’s so fired up that he hits the ref for the DQ at 8:40 for yet another shitty finish in a series of them tonight after an absolutely wretched match. -** And then the lights go out and Sting hits the ring, and I think Vampiro for some reason, to clean house as they hype the lumberjack cast match where the lumberjacks all have casts on their arms and they open their mouths and robotic bees come out and attack when they bark. I’m gonna be honest, I would have bet money that Hennig was turning on Hulk here to join Team Package because it would have been the dumbest possible ending I could imagine but they at least exceeded that incredibly low bar by not booking it.

Oh also there’s a World title match somewhere on the PPV that’s not the lumberjack match or the strap match but you wouldn’t know it from this show. Which, I mean, is at least wise of them to not waste time trying to convince people it’ll be good but WHY BOOK THE DAMN MATCH THEN?

Well I guess I gotta watch Uncensored 2000 again now. I’ll try not to mix booze with my blood pressure medication while watching it. But I feel like I’ll need both.