The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 03.06.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 03.06.00

I’m gonna make it to the reboot but man I can’t guarantee much past that.

Live from Chapel Hill, NC, drawing 4682 (2200 paid). This is getting pretty embarrassing when they can’t even draw in North Carolina.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Mark Madden

Meanwhile, Vampiro and Fit Finlay are randomly brawling backstage for no adequately explored reason.

Kaz Hayashi v. Psicosis

The Juice is representing Psicosis as a second tonight, declaring that finally “the Juice is in the house as a result of popular demand”. So Kaz, dressing like a junior Steve Blackman, clears them both out of the ring and kicks Psicosis down for two. Psi comes back with a front suplex and goes up with a missile dropkick for two. And then just as Madden is putting over the action of the cruiserweight division, Finlay and Vampiro run into the ring to continue their wacky brawl and completely draw attention away from the match. Psi hits a top rope rana on Kaz for two, but Kaz gets a wheelbarrow suplex and now the Artist wanders down for further shenanigans. Kaz goes up and Psi dropkicks him on the way down and looks to finish with the flying legdrop, but he goes after the Artist for some reason and takes a belt shot in the head which the referee somehow misses, and Kaz gets a rollup for the pin at 5:00. I would call this about as good as it was going to be considering all the bullshit surrounding it. Baby steps. But if you want to push Psicosis, jobbing him to Kaz is completely counterproductive. **1/2

So we learn that tonight’s main event is Sid & Vampiro v. Jeff Jarrett & Don Harris, which makes Vampiro’s brawl with Finlay make even less sense.

Speaking of which, we head to the back where officials are trying to keep those two apart.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett laughs at Vampiro and Finlay being complete geeks.

Meanwhile, the Mamalukes aren’t afraid of the Harris Boys, because they’re the tag team champions! Yeah not for long.

Meanwhile, Rusty Rockets parties with students at Duke University, brought to you by Tinactin! That being said, aligning with college campuses and making the show look cool with the youths isn’t the worst idea. The problem is then presenting the senior citizen squad as the only people worth investing your time as a fan with.

Big Ron Harris v. Big Vito

Vito storms Ron with a mafia kick and the implant DDT, but he goes after Don, who then switches in and knocks Vito out with a chain for the pin at 1:00. BUT WAIT! The referee then sees the chain after the fact, so the decision is reversed. BUT WAIT! The Harris twins completely destroy the Mamalukes afterwards and then lay out all of the security guards as well, which renders the entire thing completely pointless. Do these two literally have blackmail material on the booking committee so that they never have to do jobs or show any kind of weakness at any time?

Meanwhile, the Harrisses get arrested for kicking too much ass in the previous segment.

The Wall v. David Flair

Apparently Crowbar got chokeslammed through a table on Thunder and now he’s injured, so David is avenging him. Guys go through tables and shit ALL THE TIME on this show and NOW that’s a career-threatening injury spot? Wall immediately sets up tables at ringside and off-handedly beats on David on the floor, but Daffney provides distraction and David hits him with the crowbar. But the Wall no-sells it and chokeslams David through the tables and I guess the match is over at 2:30? Oh no, David’s career might be over.

Anyway…

Meanwhile, Bam Bam Bigelow yells at the Wall because “you don’t get over by breaking people in half”, and Wall smacks him down. Oh goodie, we’re breaking the fourth WALL here. Now we got people talking about “getting over”, the money will start rolling in any day now.

Evan Karagias v. The Dog

So yeah, the Dog is recycled jobber Al Greene, former Master Blaster partner of Kevin Nash, given yet another stupid gimmick. This quickly turns into a six man brawl with Finlay and Knobs joining in while the Dog runs around barking or something. Dog grinds on him with a chinlock and then dumps him to the floor with a clothesline and Finlay drops Evan on the railing with a terrifying bump. Back in the ring, the Dog bites the ropes, but then everyone runs in and the Dog powerslams Evan off the top for the pin at 3:44. WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE DOG?!? They’re got millions of dollars sunk into top talent and they’re putting fucking AL GREENE over the young guys? This was horrible on many levels.

Meanwhile, Ric Flair is pretty sure David is a big boy who can take care of himself, and he wants to talk about Hulk Hogan instead.

Meanwhile, Vampiro is sick of dealing with Finlay, but he’ll still team with Sid tonight.

Jeff Jarrett joins us and immediately dismisses the hookers so he can air his grievances. And he’s got a lot of problems with you people! Anyway tonight his partner will be THE WALL because we’re back to pushing him again.

Meanwhile, Lane & Idol taunt the Demon’s casket. I still don’t know what these two guys are supposed to be.

Ric Flair v. Curt Hennig

Man remember when this was such a hot feud in 1997? BREAKING NEWS: David Flair has been taken to a Local Medical Facility after taking a bump. Sounds right. Hennig throws chops on Flair and WHAT THE FUCK is with Flair’s blue trunks and red boots combo here? I’m gonna deduct a star just for that. They brawl on the floor and Curt suplexes him back into the ring, but Flair goes low and then kicks him in the knee as Curt does his goofy bumps in the corner. Curt is just beyond checked out and completely cooked here. They fight on the floor again and Tony makes up a story about the crowd chanting for Hulk Hogan. I’ll take “Things That Didn’t Happen” for $500, Alex. Hennig continues limping around the floor selling the knee, and back in the ring for the figure-four, but Curt turns it over. Hennig with a backslide for two, and he slams Flair off the top, but Lex Luger runs in, and that backfires as Hennig gets the Perfectplex for the pin at 7:45. This booking is so incredibly fucking weird tonight. This was the usual Flair broomstick match and I don’t know why they’re bothering with Hennig in 2000. **1/2.

Meanwhile, Lane and Idol mess with the casket and get attacked by the Demon, who sends them scurrying away.

Norman Smiley v. Lane

Idol joins us on commentary as he explains that they just want to end the match early so they can go “chase some rats”. Smiley gets taken to the floor and Lane hits him with a flip dive. Back in the ring, Norman gets the slam and the dance while Idol continues talking about “rats” and how they’re bored hanging around the arena because there’s nothing to do. Norman with a Giant Swing as Miss Hancock joins us for her weekly dance while Norman pretends to sodomize Lane and then finishes him with the Norman Conquest at 3:00. Are Lane and Idol supposed to be pushed? I have no idea. And then the KISS Demon hits the ring and apparently he’s allied with Norman now as they just throw everything at the wall and hope something sticks.

Spoiler: Nothing sticks.

Meanwhile, Sid laughs.

Meanwhile, Tank shows up despite not being scheduled to be here.

Tank Abbott joins us in the ring, and Sid “can’t hold a candle to my jockstrap” and he only lost because they were gonna take him off TV if he didn’t tap. Who is “they”? So Tank says he’s taking the show over, but La Parka comes out and gets beat up. So then Meng comes out and he wants a piece, but for some reason security prevents him from getting in the ring and manages to get Tank out of the ring as well. Apparently commandeering shows ain’t like in the old days.

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan describes in detail how he’s going to strap Flair repeatedly in the YAPPAPI strap match. I’m not even clear on why he’s so mad at Flair, exactly.

Stevie Ray v. Kidman

Harlem Heat double-teams Kidman until Booker makes the save, so I guess this is a tag team match.

Harlem Heat v. Kidman & Booker

Booker runs wild on the Heat, but quickly gets overwhelmed and beaten down. But then Kidman comes in and tosses Stevie, allowing Booker to hit a Bookend on Big T. Kidman gets 2, but the big guy pulls the ref out of the ring and then Stevie hits Kidman with the slapjack and pins him at 1:40. Absolutely terrible.

Meanwhile, Rocky Raccoon parties with Three Count at the college deal.

Dustin Rhodes joins us for more talking, just what this show needed. Maybe he’ll talk about “getting over” or “firing the booker” or something edgy like that. AND THEN HE DOES! He calls the crowd “marks” and “internet dirt sheet reading freaks”. Oh my gosh I should buy a lottery ticket with these prognostication skills. But then Terry Funk interrupts and calls him a “chicken choking pecker-head” and does a Foghorn Leghorn impression. Can’t imagine why Funk didn’t get over in this run. Anyway, Funk presents a headless chicken and throws it at Dustin, and then they fight over barbed wire and Terry slams him on the barbed wire to set up what I presume is a barbed wire match at Uncensored. But with this company you never know.

Jeff Jarrett & The Wall v. Vampiro & Sid Vicious

I feel like we need the Dr. Manhattan meme where every week he declares “It is 2000 and Jeff Jarrett is wrestling Sid Vicious” over and over. Also what the actual fuck was the point of the Vampiro-Finlay brawl that took up the first third of the show? It didn’t even pay off with anything! Also we’ve got like 4 minutes left in this show so I can’t imagine this will be any good. Also having Vampiro do the job for Jarrett last week and then sticking him in a main event spot the next week where he’ll probably do the job again is not exactly elevating him. Vampiro runs wild on JJ in the ring while Sid throws drinks on the Watt at ringside. Into the ring, where the babyfaces double-team Wall. Meanwhile Tony has to say, with a straight face, that Jarrett and Vampiro having their 4 minute match last week was comparable to the Flair-Sting match from Clash #1 that made Sting into an international superstar. HE DIDN’T EVEN WIN THE MATCH. Sid with a backbreaker on Jarrett and drops the leg on him to set up the chokeslam, but the Wall saves. Sid dumps Jarrett and we get a chokeslam showdown as the ref is bumped, but Jarrett hits Sid with the guitar and Wall gets the chokeslam as Jarrett gets the pin at 4:20. Look I dunno if Sid was having trouble standing up for himself or what but this man absolutely needs to stop doing pinfall jobs to Jeff Jarrett every week. They’re just killing that poor World title completely dead. If they desperately wanted Jarrett to be champion so badly, they should have just made him champion. I know we get there but it’s no wonder Sid had such a forgettable title reign. Anyway this was awful as this second hour was just a complete turd of a show that killed off what had started as not the worst episode of Nitro I’ve ever seen. DUD

Much like Gloria Gaynor, I will survive. At least until after Uncensored.