The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 02.14.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 02.14.00

Yes, it’s a very Nitro Valentine’s Day in 2000. And it’s a goddamn three hour show, of course, as they finally get an unopposed week to put on the best show they possibly can!

Yeah I know.

According to the recap of Thunder, Kevin Nash returned as commissioner and the nWo continues falling apart. Also we’re a week from Superbrawl and still don’t know what the main event is actually going to be.

Live from Uniondale, NY, drawing 5500 paid and 8100 overall.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Mark Madden

Jeff Jarrett joins us to start, with himself and the Harris twins now apparently representing the nWo. For those keeping tracking, Jeff claims to be commissioner still, as well as Nash claiming to be commissioner, and there’s also the WCW Executive Committee who are somehow making decisions as well. So JJ is all blah blah blah Slapnuts blah blah blah Chosen One with all the stroke, but Kevin Nash interrupts and they argue about which one is the true commissioner, leading to Jarrett threatening Dave Penzer unless they cut off Nash’s feed. So that apparently means Jarrett is back to being commissioner again. And then Nash gets wheeled out by a pair of nurses in an electric wheelchair and they go back and forth with Nash calling himself “Ironside” for all the hip young kids watching, and then he adds Scott Hall to the Superbrawl title match to make it a three-way. Apparently he came to that decision while “rehabbing” his ankle at a strip bar in New York City. And then he makes another match between Jeff Jarrett and Sid Vicious for the main event tonight in a non-title match so they can beat each other up and allow Scott Hall to win the title on Sunday. I don’t even understand what the power structure is supposed to be here. Why not just award the title to Hall if you can basically do what you want anyway? Oh also Scott Hall wasn’t on this show at all because he showed up in no condition to perform and got sent home, resulting in them needing to rebook the show, so naturally he’s booked for the World title match on the PPV six days later.

Meanwhile, Lex Luger and Ric Flair show up, Three Count practices their dancing, and Lane & Idol explain “the rats” to Norman Smiley.

Norman Smiley & (Lenny) Lane v. Three Count

Tony is not quite sure why we’re doing a 3-on-2 handicap match here or where Idol is, which puts him on the same level as everyone watching. Idol was clearly in the building because he was just in the last backstage segment, but he’s not in the match and no one ever mentions it again. I feel like “And no one ever mentions it again” can sum up a lot of WCW booking in the year 2000. Three Count dumps the babyfaces and hits them with dives, but Miss Hancock joins us as Three Counts gets the heat on Lane in the ring. Lane hits Shannon with a Stroke while Hancock joins us on commentary and Shane hits a frog splash on Lane. Karagias with a powerbomb, but Lane makes the hot tag to Norman, who had been wearing full goalie gear and could barely move. So then they start playing music and Hancock dances on the table for no adequately explored reason, and Norman finishes Karagias with the chickenwing at 5:00. What the fuck was the plan there supposed to be? Norman was already going to win anyway. So she wanted to distract Three Count? Or Lane? Why was Lane even teaming with Smiley in the first place? Also Madden quipped that he “glued a mirror to the table” for you classy reference of the week. This is really setting up the Three Count v. Norman handicap match at the PPV spectacularly, as the boy band geeks have zero heat on Smiley and lose every match in short order. *.

Tank Abbott v. Rick Fuller

Tank wins with the knockout punch in 0:30 while Big Al gets escorted away as they still don’t really explain why they’re beefing.

Meanwhile, Mike Tenay sits down with Tank, who talks about his UFC career and clarifies that his match with Big Al will be a “skins match”, which apparently means a jacket on a pole. Really building up the stakes here.

Meanwhile, the Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea is here to watch Psicosis apparently. Whoever thought that making him do promos like Goldust while trying to sound like Prince would be a good idea is probably booking the show, if we’re being honest.

Vampiro & Billy Kidman v. La Parka & The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea

After the promo where the Artist was here specifically for Psicosis, it turns out that Psi no-showed this one and that’s why La Parka is in the match instead. Insert circus music here. This “Artist” thing is one of the worst repackages ever thought up, just the wrong thing for him completely. And he’s the one who goes on to win the tournament, which was supposed to “revive” the Cruiserweight title! And of course he hasn’t even been on the show in months. Parka chops Vampiro to start and turns a DDT attempt into a legsweep for two, but Vamp dumps him and follows with a dive. Back in, Iaukea goes up and lands on Vamp’s boot while Torrie and Paisley randomly fight at ringside. Vamp fights off both Parka and Prince, and then decides to walk out on the match, leaving Prince to hit a diving DDT thing on Kidman for the pin at 3:23. *1/2

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash decides that it’s a title match tonight after all.

Meanwhile, Disco and the Mamalukes show up at Vito’s sister’s wedding, which he apparently didn’t know was happening. But he’s got an envelope full of cash for his sister ready anyway.

Rhonda Singh v. Mona

Rhonda is another WCW signing I forgot about, in her post-Bertha Faye career. Mona is the future Molly Holly, kind of left adrift after the departure of Randy Savage. BUT FIRST, we get to hear from Oklahoma, who appoints Madusa the special referee for this and then joins us on commentary, giving us Ed Ferrera and Mark Madden together for a dream pairing that probably drove another 500,000 people to RAW. Singh slams Mona and drops a leg while Tony argues that Madusa doesn’t belong in the Women’s division for some reason. Mona gets a bodypress and Madusa kind of ignores the cover, but then counts two for a missile dropkick. Mona tries a sunset flip and Oklahoma pulls Rhonda down and puts her on top for the pin at 2:20, with Oklahoma making the count himself before making out with Rhonda. Just unspeakably awful. DUD. I don’t understand anything happening around this storyline.

Meanwhile, the wedding reception in the backstage area continues and Vito promises his grandma not to spit anymore.

Meanwhile, the Jarrett half of the nWo celebrates getting a title shot tonight.

Lex Luger v. Terry Funk

Funk slugs away in the corner and they fight to the floor, where Lex puts him down with a clothesline, but Funk finds a table before getting distracted by Liz. Well who wouldn’t. So Lex slams Funk through the table and goes to work on the back in the ring. Funk escapes the torture rack with a ballshot, and that gets two. Neckbreaker and Funk goes up for a moonsault, but Liz throws a chair in the ring for the DQ at 5:00. Luckily AA saves Funk before Lex can break his arm. A very slow match with no heat, but at least it was mostly a real match, I guess. I’ll take what I can get. **

Meanwhile, Mean Gene reveals the bombshell ruling from WCW Executive committee, as apparently the “title match” will be Jeff Jarrett’s US title on the line instead of Sid’s World title. Of course they’re jumping through all these ridiculous stipulation hoops and it’ll just end up in a DQ or countout anyway.

Meanwhile, Daffney catches the bouquet and David Flair & Crowbar crash the wedding.

WCW World tag team title: The Mamalukes v. Harlem Heat 2000 v. David Flair & Crowbar

The Mamalukes attack Flair & Crowbar while Disco joins us on commentary and complains about the “$140,000 wedding” getting ruined. The Heat double-teams Vito in the corner, but Crowbar comes in and quickly gets Slapjacked by Stevie for two. But then Flair hits him with the crowbar behind the ref’s back and Vito gets a small package to retain at 3:55. Complete mess. ½*. And then Disco comes in and Stevie hits him with the Tiger Driver, with Big T pushing down on Disco’s legs in a spike piledriver motion and I have no idea how they didn’t break Disco’s neck with that one. Anyway this all leads to the Mamalukes defending against Flair & Crowbar again at the PPV.

Meanwhile, Chris “Champagne” Kanyon and his movie prop belt joins Mean Gene to put over Ready to Rumble. How many people watching understood why he was carrying around a WCW World title replica belt with “The King” on the name plate, I wonder?

Meanwhile, the Mamalukes decide not to go on the ambulance while their Italian family cries.

WCW Hardcore title: Bam Bam Bigelow v. The Wall

I guess this is the next plan to get the Wall over. Wall attacks with trash cans to start, but Bigelow runs him into a ladder and beats on him with the chair. Bigelow sets up a table, but Wall goes up and then Bigelow slams him through the table before finishing with Greetings from Asbury Park at 3:20. Look I don’t even think the Wall is that great, but they’re just killing the guy with this 50/50 booking every week where they can’t even decide what to do with him. This was every hardcore match in WCW you’ve ever seen in your life. And then Knobs attacks Bigelow afterwards and Wall gets a chokeslam.

Dustin Rhodes v. Chris “Champagne” Kanyon

So in another reason why WCW was wasting so much money in 2000, even Kanyon gets a pair of bikini-clad models to accompany him for no reason, along with Jarrett and Nash and Steiner and basically everyone else in the promotion. Dustin gets a rollup for two to interrupt Kanyon’s promo, and they do a chase on the floor that ends with Dustin hitting a lariat. Back in, Dustin with a bulldog to set up the Shattered Nuts, but Kanyon no-sells it completely and pops up again. But then Dustin hits a slam for the pin at 1:44. Are they pushing Dustin now? Kanyon is a LITERAL MOVIE STAR in a movie that is supposed to be a big deal and putting over WCW. I don’t understand anything about this show.

Update: Apparently Kanyon was in the process of seeking his release from the company along with everyone else, so I guess that’s why he jobbed so hard.

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan graces us with his presence before his match with Ric Flair tonight.

Meanwhile, Booker talks about fighting through all the litigation from his brother and how it just motivates him more.

The Demon v. Booker

Hilariously, Tony discusses how KISS announced a “farewell tour” on that date. Which is hilarious because it’s now 2024 and I just went to another of their “farewell tours” a few months back. I think this last one was something like their sixth or seventh farewell tour. But yeah I’m sure this will totally be their last one this time. Also they announced that Alive IV would be their final live album, which was also a lie, although technically if you’re only counting physical releases and not streaming, it was mostly true. I mean, I love KISS unironically but Gene Simmons is a bigger worker than any of the amateurs in wrestling. They should make him the CEO of TKO if Nick Khan ever leaves. Booker hits Demon with kicks and the ax kick to set up the Spinarooni, and a spinebuster finishes the complete squash at 0:58. I mean, I’ll give them one thing, it’s breathtaking how little of a fuck that WCW gave about fulfilling any aspect of their deal with Gene Simmons in any kind of good faith. They just gave the gimmick to a jobber and then beat the poor fucker like a drum every week and still collected the money.

Hulk Hogan v. Ric Flair

Sure, let’s just throw this out on the show with zero promotion, why not. Hulk with the usual shoulderblocks to control as we’ve at least finally got something with some ACTUAL heat and crowd engagement on the show after two hours of shitty minute long matches while the crowd mugs for the camera. Hulk with a backdrop out of the corner and a clothesline to put Flair on the floor and they fight out there. Back in, Hulk no-sells the chops and Flair goes low to take over before taking out the knee to set up the figure-four. Madden cheering for Flair is like a ridiculous parody of Bobby Heenan’s routine but without any of the charm. Hulk reverses the hold and Flair goes to the top, but Hulk slams him off and then goes back to selling his knee again. Hulk suddenly makes the comeback and suplexes Flair from the apron, and then Flair goes for his own suplex and hurts his back. Hulk slugs away in the corner, but Flair distracts the ref and loads up a foreign object to knock out Hulk, at which point Jimmy Hart runs out and stooges Flair out. But then Hulk does the big comeback anyway with the usual stuff, and Lex Luger runs in for the DQ at 9:00. This was the usual Flair-Hogan match we’ve seen a million times with exactly the finish you’d expect. ***. But hey, that’s about a million times better than the rest of the crap we’ve been getting this year, so I’ll take it.

Afterwards, Hulk heroically fights off both Flair and Luger, but then makes the mistake of posing and turns his back, which allows Luger to come back in and break Hogan’s arm. That’s his posing arm!

Meanwhile, Sid points out that everything Jeff has done has backfired. Can’t see why no one bought that PPV.

US title: Jeff Jarrett v. Sid Vicious

Before the match, we get a promo for Superbrawl 2000, which has absolutely nothing to do with what the main event actually is. In fact it still heavily features Bret Hart and talks about nWo 2000 running roughshod over WCW. Sid slugs away in the corner and clotheslines Jeff to the floor for a brawl out there. Back in, Jeff with a sleeper for the two dramatic arm drops, but Sid fights out in the bottom of the ninth inning and makes the comeback. Big boot sets up the powerbomb, but the ref gets bumped and JJ hits Sid with the US title for two. So Jarrett takes out the ref and Sid gets the devastating crossface, at which point the Harris brothers run in and double-team Sid, and Jarrett puts him out with the guitar for the pin to retain at 5:00. Match had no heat, and no one cares about the World title or the nWo v. Sid feud at all. World champion is doing all these jobs to midcard guys, no one gives a shit, because WCW.

It’s funny because in the Observer, Dave was like “Man this promotion is in complete turmoil right now” and WE’RE ONLY IN FEBRUARY. HE DON’T EVEN KNOW. But yeah, it’s a mess. And this was an unopposed show! This was supposedly the best they could do!

Next up: Oh shit here we go again with a redo of Superbrawl 2000 as I watch it again for the first time in 24 years. Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

But I’m gonna make it to the reboot just to spite all of you. Hatred is a powerful motivator for me.