The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 02.07.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 02.07.00

I went to go review this episode and I found a note already typed into Word when I opened the program:

Dear Diary,

As I continue through the hopeless trudge of WCW Nitro 2000, we enter the second month, not knowing for sure what lies ahead because it was 24 years ago and I was mostly drunk when I watching Thunder at the time it all happened. Time has mostly lost all meaning watching these shows. Is it Hour #1 or Hour #Triangle? I’m not even sure. Frankly I’m beginning to lose my grip on simple concepts like “numbers” or “weight classes” , which is why I thought “Triangle” was a number just now. I’m just waiting patiently for Bret Hart to show up again and save this awful show, so he can reclaim the World title he never lost, but I’m losing faith that it’s going to happen any time soon. I think I might be developing dissociative personality disorder in order to cope with all the Sid Vicious and Harris Brothers matches I’m forced to watch now, but there’s not really any way to know for sure. One thing I can at least say is that we know for sure Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo are at least all gone for good, and never coming back to ruin the show again. Anyway, I’m probably just overreacting, everything is fine.

Yours truly,

Me.

Holy cow, that guy’s got some PROBLEMS. Glad I’m not him right now.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett rallies the troops and plots his schemes for tonight.

Live from Tulsa, OK, drawing 6358, with about 1000 of those being comps.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone and Mark Madden

HOUR #1! THE HOUR THAT PUSHED KEVIN NASH ON THE ICE PATCH AND BROKE HIS ANKLE!

Three Count announces their Dream Date with Three Count contest, but Norman Smiley shows up in the truck and messes with their music. Too bad the WWE Network already beat him to it. I just want to point out that Buddy Landel was able to milk a “Dream Date contest” gimmick for like two months in Memphis and these bozos use it as a throwaway heel line in a promo and then drop it.

Even Karagias v. Norman Smiley

Norman slugs away on Evan, but Karagias bails to the apron and Norman suplexes him back in and does the dance gimmick before whipping Evan into Shane. Evan runs Norman into Shannon and rolls him up for one, but Norman reverses for the pin at 1:40. Danny Hodge is shown cheering for Norman at ringside and I’m sure he was thrilled to be a part of this garbage freakshow feud. DUD. Afterwards, Norman challenges all three to a match at the PPV to settle things once and for all, even though he’s already beaten all three of them like a drum in one minute squashes for the past month.

Meanwhile, Tony runs down the card for tonight and I tune out.

Meanwhile, J Biggs harasses Booker in his dressing room and the nWo is walking around. Well not Kevin Nash at that point. Hey, I can sympathize, you should see my driveway right now. Total sheet of ice.

The nWo joins us and Scott Steiner is dressed like a literal plan, complete with fly purple hat. Scott Hall is unable to do his survey for some reason and passes it off to the Harris Brothers to do a promo. What a heel! That’s worse than any words he could ever say to us. Speaking of which, Scott Steiner goes on a whole thing about how WCW should have hired Buddy Rogers instead of bringing Ric Flair back, even though he’s dead, because Flair should have spent his money on fixing his yellowing teeth. Also he points out that when Flair was on TV last week, everyone switched over to the WWF and watched Stone Cold instead. Oh man. What the fuck. Also Flair is a butt-sucking bastard son of a bitch and he sucks and WCW sucks. Isn’t Flair a heel? Is Flair even feuding with Scott Steiner? What even am I watching? I know people sometimes accuse me of underselling stuff so let me just emphasize WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS THIS? How did he not get fired or suspended? Anyway Jeff Jarrett somehow moves past this trainwreck and announces that Scott Hall will be wrestling Sid Vicious.

Booker v. The Wall

Booker has been stripped of his music by Harlem Heat, leaving him with elevator music for his entrance, although let’s be serious, it could very well just be the WWE Network doing that too. Also he’s left with plain black tights and boots, which ironically became mostly his signature look and actually worked much better for someone and established him as a distinct look from the Heat. Wall sends Booker to the foor, but Booker gets a sleeper in the ring. Wall slams out of that and decides to go to the top rope, but Booker hits him with a sidekick on the way down and Wall sells it against all the laws of physics. I can’t even with Madden and his Spinarooni shit. Booker with the Bookend and he goes up, but Wall crotches him while Biggs distracts everyone, and Wall chokeslams him for the pin at 3:22. And then Biggs has the police arrest Booker on a variety of charges. I really wish they’d make up their mind with the Wall push and pick a direction for him.

Meanwhile, Brian Knobs storms into the nWo office and yells at Jarrett, who promises to make a match against Finlay to make it up to him, and then waits until he leaves and then screws him over again.

Meanwhile, Terry Funk really wants to know where Arn’s loyalties lie. GEE DUH I WONDER?

Meanwhile, Lenny and Lodi try to figure out a new name.

The Barbarian v. Tank Abbott

Tank slugs away in the corner to start and then cold cocks him for the KO at 0:50. And then Tank has more words with Big Al on the way out to really build up that epic feud.

Meanwhile, Crowbar rocks out to the Demon’s casket.

Meanwhile, Kidman films Torrie on the KidCam.

Oklahoma joins us, because we’re in Oklahoma I guess. So apparently Oklahoma has been promoted to overseer of the WCW Women’s division, even though women have no place in wrestling. We meet Dr. Heywood Jeter (good lord) who is apparently Madusa’s plastic surgeon, and the whole thing goes rapidly downhill from there, as Oklahoma claims that she can’t compete because she’s not all natural. And then Madusa hits the ring and beats up the “doctor” to end this horrendous segment.

Meanwhile, WCW Executive Committee member Terry Taylor overrules a couple of Jeff Jarrett’s decisions as we now have dueling authority figures to further drag this garbage show into the gutter. See, because Terry explains that they can’t overrule the matches, but they can overrule the stipulations, which is totally a thing that someone wrote because they thought it made sense at the time, I guess. Anyway Scott Hall v. Sid is now a title match tonight, which is somehow supposed to be screwing over the nWo because Hall might win the title and then won’t things be awkward for the nWo! Yeah that’ll show ‘em!

HOUR #2! THE HOUR THAT LEAKED MERCEDES MONE’S $10 MILLION CONTRACT TO THE INTERNET!

I Quit match: Terry Funk v. David Flair

So I guess this is supposed to be playing off the famous match between Flair and Funk in 1989, because they played a video package about that classic ***** match in order to hype up this shitty TV match happening 20 years later. So Funk challenges Ric Flair to face him in an I Quit match, but David attacks and hits him with a chair a few times before they head to the floor. I for one would not trust David Flair to safely hit me in the head with a chair one time, let alone six. Funk runs David into the railing and piledrives him on the floor, but David won’t quit. So Funk piledrives him through a table while Madden explains the reference, and the crowd chants “We want Flair”. He’s literally wrestling in the match you’re watching, Tulsa! Also I’m very confused how any of this makes Funk a babyface. And then Funk decides to stop beating on David and he quits at 4:44 after doing another promo on Ric. So yeah, Terry Funk beats Ric’s barely trained wrestler son half to death and he’s THE GOOD GUY. -**

Meanwhile, this horrific showing from Terry Funk has made up Arn’s mind and he’s mad at…RIC FLAIR? See apparently Ric should have gone out and stopped the match, so it’s all Flair’s fault. So he’s not choosing sides at all. I don’t understand literally anything I just watched over the past two segments. I’d say maybe I’m having a stroke but honestly that would probably help to tie the storylines together and make them more coherent.

They should just rename this era to “Who Booked This Shit?”

Stevie Ray v. Disco Inferno

This should really juice up the show. Stevie slams Disco and drops an elbow on him while Big T threatens to eat the Mamalukes at ringside before getting sent to the back by the referee. Disco gets a legsweep to take over, but Stevie pulls out his slapjack, and Disco kicks it away from him. But then he goes after it himself, and the ref catches him, allowing Stevie to hit the Slapjack for the pin at 2:25. Tony has to clarify that he won with Slapjack: The Wrestling Hold as opposed to Slapjack: The Illegal Weapon. The more you know! Really earning his payday at this point.

Meanwhile, Scott Hall promises Jeff that he’s not going to win the belt and he’s just gonna soften up Sid tonight.

Meanwhile, Sid points out that he’s outsmarted the nWo a bunch of times already and tonight Scott Hall faces FINAL EXTINCTION and TOTAL OBLIVION and his career will be over. Well that sounds serious.

Meanwhile, Flair and his hookers leave in a limo, ready for a night on the town.

Hardcore title: Brian Knobs v. Bam Bam Bigelow

Fit Finlay is once again the special referee in a repeat of the joke from last week. Bigelow attacks on the floor and beats on Knobs with trash cans and then goes after the broken arm. Back in the ring, Knobs fires back with the usual hardcore weapons assortment, but Bigelow kicks a ladder back in his face. But then Fit gives Knobs a trash can, allowing him to get a shot on Bam Bam, but then turns on him with a chairshot and puts Bam Bam on top for a fast count and the title at 2:30. Best match of the show so far! *1/2

Meanwhile, the Mamalukes brawl with the newly renamed Lane and Idol for no adequately explored reason.

Billy Kidman v. The KISS Demon

Tony notes that all fans of KISS should love the Demon, because apparently KISS fans are so stupid that you can stick any jobber in Gene Simmons makeup and convince them that he’s a star. Demon slugs away on Kidman to start, but Billy dropkicks him. Demon comes back with a butterfly suplex, but he goes up and misses an elbow, and Kidman bulldogs him for two. Demon with a DDT for two. He goes up and Kidman crotches him on the way down and brings him down with a rana for the pin at 2:38. Really selling that Demon character to all the KISS fans out there, jobbing him in 2:00 to curtain jerker Billy Kidman. Probably won’t be main eventing any PPVs any time soon. Oh and then Crowbar comes out and worships the Demon because he’s a big KISS fan for another pointless storyline twist that no one needed or asked for. Just a match, carried somewhat above the level of “atrocious” by Billy Kidman essentially wrestling himself. *1/2

Lex Luger joins us and he’s calling out Hulk Hogan, but Hulk Hogan isn’t in the building, so he calls out Hulk Hogan’s best friend Jimmy Hart instead. And Jimmy is in full Hogan kiss-ass mode, talking about how Lex will never sell out arenas like Hulk, and how Lex is just a Hogan wannabe. So Lex kicks him in the nuts and puts him in the torture rack as a message to Hulk and then Pillmanizes his wrist. Oh no, he beat up a backstage agent who hasn’t been on TV for a few years, what a heel. I will say, Jimmy Hart was instantly the best promo on this godforsaken show and they should probably, you know, DO SOMETHING WITH HIM as a result.

WCW World title: Sid Vicious v. Scott Hall

As a reminder here, the storyline is that the nWo literally doesn’t want the title here but WCW forced them into a title match because winning the World title would irritate the nWo and put them at a disadvantage. This is building to a World title match at the PPV, of course. Sid quickly beats on Hall and chokeslams him while Hall does his goofy selling, but then he just kind of pops up and bumps the ref, and Jeff Jarrett hits the ring for a brawl on the floor. Back in the ring, Hall hits the Razor’s Edge on Sid, but the ref is still out, and Jarrett gets mad at Hall and turns on him with the guitar before putting Sid on top for the pin at 3:33 to retain. Hall just made this whole thing look like a complete joke. Which it was, so…touché I guess. DUD

This was the week that Vince McMahon announced the XFL, AND the first trailer for “Ready to Rumble” dropped on WCW TV, and this show still qualifies as the worst thing to happen to wrestling in that seven day period. I’m glad you all enjoy my pain, though.