The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 02.03.97

MONDAY NITRO!

– Live from Memphis

– Your hosts are Tony & Larry

– Oh, goodie, Hulk Hogan and the nWo kick things off to talk about Roddy Piper. This time they’re on a “mission from God” and they’re gonna confront Piper TONIGHT and put the title on the line if he’s man enough to show his face tonight. Piper’s a coward, you see, unlikely to accept such a bold challenge.

Ultimo Dragon v. Ray Mendoza Jr.

Mendoza flips out of a wristlock, but gets tossed by Dragon, who follows with a dive. Back in, Dragon throws kicks for two and a senton gets two. Mendoza comes back with a clothesline out of the corner as Tony tries to interpret Piper’s senile ramblings. Apparently “The battle isn’t over until you get home” isn’t just the crazed babbling of an aging wrestler, but something quite deep and open to interpretation. Mendoza wraps up Dragon with a leglock for two, but they head up and Dragon brings him down with a rana and finishes with the tiger suplex at 3:12. Mendoza was game, but they had no time or real direction. **

Billy Kidman v. Glacier

Glacier kicks Kidman down off a legsweep and follows with a tilt-a-whirl slam and clothesline. Spinkick in the corner and he fires away with palm thrusts, and a rolling elbow puts Kidman on the floor. Kidman fights back in with a flying headscissors and goes up, but gets caught by a superkick on the way down, and that’s it at 2:07. Total squash for Glacier. 1/2*

Juice Train v. La Parka

Rather subdued entrance for La Parka. Ice Train overpowers him to start and gets hiptosses into a clothesline, then powers him down. We hit the chinlock, but La Parka fights out and dropkicks him down. To the top for a leg lariat that puts Train on the floor, and La Parka follows with a spinning tope con hilo. Very nice. Back in, Parka charges and hits boot, and Train flattens him with a lariat, helped along by the 360 sell by La Parka. Parka keeps coming with a crossbody out of the corner, but Train awkwardly catches him and powerslams him, nearly dropping him on his head in the process. His followup: A suplex. This is why Train never went anywhere. Parka fights back while we head to the back, with the Outsiders having beaten up Lex Luger. Back to the match, as Train gets a belly to belly for two. My god, what if we don’t get that Jeff Jarrett v. Lex Luger match tonight? People will RIOT! Steroid Splash finishes at 5:15. * They had no idea what to do with La Parka. (Boy, that’s an understatement.)

– The Four Horsemen join us, united once more. Well, except that Arn Anderson isn’t there. Gotta love this company. (To be fair, that wasn’t Arn’s fault. His retirement match was the week before.) Debra gets a HUGE chunk of promo time to go on about Jacqueline in a feud that no one cares about, and Mongo offers to take Luger’s place against Jarrett tonight.

Harlem Heat v. The Steiner Brothers

Booker trades power moves with Scott to start and brings him down with a sidekick, but Scott replies with a press slam. The Steiners clean house and the Heat regroups. Back in, Stevie Ray attacks Rick and pounds him down, but Rick gets a powerslam for two. Scott comes in with an armbar and locks in the dreaded Steiner Recliner, but back then it was just called a chinlock. Rick comes back in and runs into a bicycle kick from Stevie, and he’s YOUR gremlin-in-peril. Booker gets the sidekick for two. And that heat segment ends quickly, as Rick makes the hot tag to Scott about 15 seconds later, and the Faces of Fear run in for the DQ at 5:00. This was just going through the motions. *1/2

HOUR #2! This is the hour that secretly wrote “The DaVinci Code” under a pseudonym, and then sold the rights to Dan Brown.

Mike Enos v. Dean Malenko

Enos controls with a headlock to start, then takes Dean down with a tackle. He blocks a crossbody with a slam, but Malenko takes him down with a wristlock. He dropkicks the arm in the corner and takes him down with another wristlock, and goes to work on the arm with a hammerlock. Malenko takes him down with a drop toehold, but misses an elbow and Enos pounds him to set up a powerslam for two. Syxx joins us at ringside and steals the cruiserweight title, while Enos gets a running powerslam on Malenko. Malenko tries to come back, but Enos clotheslines him down again. He also blocks a suplex attempt from Malenko and tries his own, but Dean reverses to a small package for the pin at 7:07. This was booked as a heavyweight v. cruiserweight type match, with Enos blocking most of Dean’s stuff due to his “size”, but really it’s not like anyone buys Enos as a threat anyway. *1/4

Diamond Dallas Page v. Renegade

Renegade powers him down in the corner, but Page throws elbows in response. Renegade comes back with a handspring elbow and goes up, but Page crotches him and the Diamond Cutter finishes at 1:59. Not much of a match. * The Outsiders come out and look menacing, but Sting and Randy Savage lurk in the stands and are equally menacing, so everyone backs off. Bet you didn’t think that people standing 500 feet apart could be so exciting.

Alex Wright v. Super Calo

Calo flips out of a wristlock, but Wright takes him down and works on the arm. They each miss a dropkick, but Wright hits one of his own to take over. Calo tries to come back with a springboard out of the corner, but slips and falls and Wright gets a headlock. Calo gets his springboard on the second try, but Wright pounds him down again and suplexes him for two. Calo tosses him and follows with a high cross to the floor. Back in, Wright counters another crossbody with a dropkick and stomps him down in the corner. A pair of headscissor takedowns puts Calo on the floor and Wright follows with a pescado. Back in, Wright goes up, but Calo brings him down with a superplex for two. Sloppy headscissors off the top and Calo goes up again, but misses a senton off the top. Wright gets crazy hangtime on a missile dropkick and finishes at 6:20. Looking like a car wreck most of the way, but it was mostly watchable after they got their shit together. **

Chris Benoit v. Konnan

Konnan attacks to start and gets the rolling clothesline, into the seated dropkick. He drops a leg and puts Benoit into a Stump Puller, but Benoit fights up and muscles him to the top rope. Superplex follows, but Konnan comes back with a crucifix powerbomb for two. Another try is countered by Benoit with a german suplex, but here comes Jacqueline for the DQ at 4:16. What a waste of money that chick is. Another match that never got going. *1/2

Jeff Jarrett v. Mongo McMichael

Mongo attacks during the strut, and a powerslam gets two. Elbow misses and Jarrett takes over with an atomic drop, and a crossbody gets two. Dropkick puts Mongo on the floor, and Debra holds him up on the floor for the countout at 2:21. Man, they’re really TRYING to find bad finishes this week, aren’t they? DUD

– Speaking of bad finishes, Roddy Piper and his kid join us and declines the title shot against Hulk Hogan, declaring that he’s already beaten him and thus has nothing left to prove. Hogan and Eric come out to confront him, and Piper’s all SHOOTING and stuff, because he’s like “Terry, please don’t”. But Hogan keeps pushing him and finally Piper snaps and attacks, as we just totally forget about the title match that they’ve been advertising all night.