The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 01.31.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 01.31.00

OK I’ve almost made it through the first month of 2000. I can do this. This promotion can’t last longer than March, can they? I’ll have to check later to make sure.

On Thunder, Sid Vicious wins the WCW World title. Again.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash is absent from the show this week for whatever reason, so Kevin appoints Jeff Jarrett as the Commisioner in his place.

Live from Wilkes-Barre PA, drawing 7514.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay and…sigh…Mark Madden. Bobby Heenan is apparently “under the weather” and unable to make the show, but I don’t think he ever came back.

Jeff Jarrett and the nWo join us to start, and Scott Steiner is unimpressed with the quality of women in the state, as per usual. And we officially welcome the Harris Brothers into the nWo because that’s what the group needed I guess. Moving on, Jeff declares that Sid’s opponent at Superbrawl X is going to be…himself. And tonight it’s going to be JJ & the Harrissseseseses against Sid and partners of Jeff’s choosing. Also Jeff wants it to be known that he takes bribes, so come find his office later. Nash was literally Commissioner for a week and they’re already doing a storyline where we need a backup Commissioner.

Meanwhile, Sid shows up, followed by a limo containing Ric Flair. As much as any limo could ever hope to contain Flair.

Meanwhile, J. Biggs talks business with Harlem Heat 2.0.

Meanwhile, Arn Anderson and Terry Funk are looking for Ric, but Arn blows Funk off and tells him to go look for Flair himself.

WCW Cruiserweight title tournament: Lash LaRoux v. Evan Karagias

Lash interrupts the Three Count song and clears the ring, so Evan slugs on him in the corner and tosses him out for some abuse from Shane and Shannon. Back in the ring, Lash makes a comeback with his goofy punches, but gets tossed out again. Three Count can’t figure out a 3-on-1 beatdown, so Lash is able to hit them with a dive of his own. Back in the ring, Lash hits a neckbreaker legsweep to finish at 2:30. Still no brackets but at least we’ve established that the finals are happening at the PPV. *

Meanwhile, the nWo is unhappy with the quality of the arena’s catering.

Meanwhile, Crowbar continues his goofy Gordon Solie gimmick while doing the pre-match promo, but the Mamalukes attack and we’re on.

WCW World tag team title: The Mamalukes v. Crowbar & David Flair

This is a Bensonhurst Street Fight, so they brawl into the snow outside briefly and then head down to the ring for some generic garbage brawl. Also we’re joined on commentary by Disco Inferno, who has now officially replaced the departed Tony Marinara as their manager, rendering this storyline even more senseless. Vito beats on David with some stuff and then Johnny puts the boots to Crowbar in the corner while Miss Hancock joins us to take notes. Crowbar takes over with a chair-assisted legdrop while Disco insists that they don’t need his help before changing his mind and attacking Crowbar. And they put him on a table and Vito wins with a big splash for the pin at 6:00. *1/2. David Flair continues to look embarrassing out there.

Meanwhile, Harlem Heat continues walking aimlessly around the backstage area.

Meanwhile, Brian Knobs stops by the office and bribes Jeff Jarrett into making a match between Lex Luger and Fit Finlay.

Booker T v. Big T

J Biggs interrupts the Booker intro and strips him of his music, because it’s the legal property of Harlem Heat Inc. Stevie promises when they’re through with Booker, “he can go find his old GI Bro suit and try to make a living wearing that”. Yeah about that. Anyway Midnight comes out to go after Biggs, but Stevie and Big T lay her out and attack Booker as well. I guess there’s no match then? This whole thing is just death.

Meanwhile, Norman Smiley randomly gets into a brawl with Three Count.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett stooges Knobs out to Fit Finlay, and makes the match into Knobs v. Luger instead, with Fit as referee. Because Knobs apparently didn’t bribe him ENOUGH, you see.

Meanwhile, Norman runs away from Three Count and manages to get caught in the Demon’s casket. I don’t think I could possibly type a more WCW 2000 sentence than that one.

Billy Kidman v. The Wall

It’s a pointless rematch from Souled Out, as Wall quickly overpowers Kidman while Madden does a running gag about how he bribed Jarrett for the commentary job and apparently overpaid. Wall with a double choke and clothesline on Kidman for two. Kidman fights back with a missile dropkick and rana for two. But then Wall slams him and goes for the chokeslam, but Vampiro runs in and kicks them over, which the referee somehow misses while talking to Torrie despite being literally one foot away from them, and that puts Kidman on top for the pin at 2:57. So the thrilling Vampiro v. Kidman feud continues. *1/2

Mean Gene brings out Ric Flair for his return to Nitro after getting buried in the desert by those guys who now in the WWF, so we don’t talk about that anymore. So Flair immediately turns himself heel, again, declaring himself the greatest athlete in Pennsylvania even at 50. And then we veer into fourth wall territory, talking about how “the Powers To Be” called him at home and offered him the Commissioner job, but he declined (which is what happened in real life.). So then he calls out Terry Funk, still desperately trying to turn himself heel while the crowd cheers him. This brings out Terry to make his rebuttal, as he talks about how Mick Foley said something insulting about Flair in his book and calls Flair’s son an idiot and a fool who needs discipline. How in the fuck is this supposed to make anyone cheer for Terry Funk? So Flair namedrops Wrestlemania and calls Funk’s farm a “chicken ranch”, which is actually quite insulting. My father in law is a farmer and he HATES chickens and only raises cattle, so I’m assuming the same holds true for Funk. Anyway they get into a brawl over these harsh words being exchanged and although both guys had tremendous heat from the promos (as you’d expect) it was completely ass-backwards to what the intended reaction from the audience was supposed to be.

Meanwhile, Sid learns that his parters for tonight are going to be…Ric Flair and Terry Funk.

Meanwhile, Lenny and Lodi quit the Standards & Practices gimmick because the gimmick sucks and they were only there to get Miss Hancock over. IT’S A SHOOT! THEY’RE SHOOTING! God this show sucks. Everyone thought that WCW was a joke at this point so they go out and talk about how the booking sucks and everyone in the company thinks the show is terrible. Can’t see why that didn’t work.

Lex Luger v. Brian Knobs

Knobs puts Luger down with an elbow while Madden does a lame joke about the difference between ectomorph and endomorph, and they fight to the floor for a brawl out there. Back in the ring, Finlay casually knocks Knobs out and allows Lex to take over with choking while the crowd turns on the match. Go figure. Knobs comes back and drops elbows as I’m not really clear on who the babyface is supposed to be here. Knobs goes up and Elizabeth casually beats on him with a baseball bat right in front of the ref and Fit just walks out on the match for a sports entertainment finish at 3:00 or so. Lex continues beating on Knobs as if anyone should somehow give a shit about Brian Knobs getting beat up. And then Lex does another promo on Hulk Hogan and leaves.

Meanwhile, the KISS Demon complains to security that someone stole his gear.

Norman Smiley v. Shane Helms

So Norman is wearing the Demon’s gear, complete with facepaint, since the casket apparently gave him powers or some shit. Shane and Three Count attack Norman and Shane gets two, but he misses a pump splash and Norman makes a comeback while Tony gives us BREAKING NEWS about Hulk Hogan returning on Thunder this week. Shane with an airplane spin while Norman screams, which he should call the Hurricane I’m thinking, but Norman gets his own Giant Swing to come back and does the dance. Chickenwing finishes at 2:55. And then the KISS Demon attacks and chases Norman off, which I’m guessing leads to some kind of SPECIAL MAIN EVENT MATCH at the PPV if I was spitballing ideas for booking.

Meanwhile, DDP and Kimberly talk about how strong and sexy their relationship is now, but Disco stops by and Kim accuses him of pinching her ass and sics DDP on him. Yeah that’s a shame.

Meanwhile, Disco continues complaining about getting framed, but Page attacks him again and I guess it’s a match.

Diamond Dallas Page v. Disco Inferno

Page hauls Disco into the ring and continues kicking his ass, which Kimberly is into, but Disco comes back with a neckbreaker for two and drops an elbow for two. But then DDP drops him with the Diamond Cutter and pins him at 2:33. I don’t remember or care if this leads anywhere.

Meanwhile, Dustin Rhodes wants us to know that WCW wrestlers are trained professionals, so don’t imitate anything they’re doing at home. First up, “trained professionals” is a pretty strong term for whatever most of this crew was doing at this point, and second, I guarantee you no one at home was watching this show and thinking that they wanted to do anything these clowns were doing. “Kids, these guys going out and filling a two hour wrestling show with 90 minutes of inside baseball references and worked shoot nonsense interviews are TRAINED PROFESSIONALS! Don’t use insider kizarney lingo at home because your teachers might think you’re slow and bump you back two grades in school until you’re Billy Madison playing dodgeball against first graders. Then you’ll end up with the only job high school dropouts are qualified to do: WCW booker.”

Terrifying words of warning.

Sid Vicious & Terry Funk & Ric Flair v. Jeff Jarrett & Big Ron & Heavy D

Flair is fashionably late as usual while everyone brawls in the ringside area. Into the ring as Sid beats on a Harris while something crazy apparently happens at the announce table but the camera isn’t watching. Was it someone booking a storyline that made sense? Because that would be the craziest thing to happen on this show all week. So Sid no-sells everything, but Funk tags in and he immediately gets clocked with a chair and the nWo goes to work on him until Sid gets the hot tag, at which point Flair runs in, still in his suit, and attacks Funk, which is apparently supposed to be a shocking swerve. So this leaves Sid alone with the nWo, and Jarrett guitars him for the pin at 7:30, literally DAYS after Sid just won the World title for the second time, and we fly off the air before anyone can even register it.

How long do we have left in this promotion? (checks notes) ANOTHER WHOLE YEAR OF THIS?!? Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.