The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 01.24.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 01.24.00

This episode is apparently in memory of Bobby Duncum Jr.

Live from Los Angeles, CA, drawing 12106 (6200 paid)

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay & Bobby Heenan

Meanwhile, Scott Hall shows up and meets with the nWo. Spoiler: He does nothing of note for the rest of the episode and never appears in the arena.

Cruiserweight title tournament round one: Kaz Hayashi v. Psicosis

Juvy stops by before the match to do his Rock impression, which did nothing to get him over but made people laugh backstage. Speaking of pointless stuff that got no one over, this is a tournament for the Cruiserweight title after the whole pointless Oklahoma reign ended with him vacating it. Kaz hits a german suplex and Psi bumps to the floor, so Kaz hits him with a dive. Back in, Psi comes back with a lariat while the Juice hangs out at ringside and gets occasional cheapshots from the floor. Back in the ring, Psi dumps Kaz again, but he dives and Kaz dropkicks him on the way down. There is a notable lack of action in this cruiserweight match. Back in, Psi blocks a spinkick and rolls up Kaz for the pin at 6:24 to advance. Complete yawner. *1/2. Also there’s no brackets or discussion about who’s in the tournament or anything.

Meanwhile, Terry Funk and Arn Anderson arrive, but over in the nWo locker room, Kevin Nash reveals that Jeff Jarrett is not cleared to work, 30 seconds after they announced a match between Jarrett and Sid for later in the show.

The Wall v. Kid Romeo

Wall tosses him around and slugs away in the corner while we have BREAKING NEWS from Tony: Kevin Nash has put a $15000 bounty on Terry Funk. Wall takes Romeo to the floor and beats on him, and that gets two. Wall with a short clothesline for two. Romeo comes back with a missile dropkick, but Wall catches him and slams him before finishing with a chokeslam at 3:35. Back to using the cruiserweights as job guys, I see.

Meanwhile, Sid Vicious doesn’t know who he’s facing with Jeff Jarrett injured, but he still has to beat someone to qualify for the World title match with Kevin Nash later tonight regardless. And then back in the nWo locker room, they find someone to take up the task. Also Bam Bam Bigelow isn’t bothered by a $15000 bounty on Funk and would wrestle his mother for that kind of money.

Norman Smiley v. Shannon Moore

Norman interrupts any potential performance from Three Count and hits Shannon with a backbreaker before doing the dance on him in a disturbing spot. Shannon bails to the apron and Norman necks him on the top rope, but the ref gets distracted and Three Count tries to interfere. Shannon with a moonsault for one out on the floor so I guess this is hardcore rules? Back in the ring, Moore with a legdrop for two. But then Norman hooks a chickenwing for the submission at 2:37. Norman, meanwhile, is wearing LA Dodger gear while the announcers joke about LA overpaying for free agents. Good thing they don’t do that anymore.

Tank Abbott v. Al Greene

Tank quickly beats on Greene in the corner while Bobby keeps trying to get his lame “Handful” nickname over for Tank. His name is already TANK. What other nickname do you need? Knockout punch finishes at 1:03. Meanwhile there’s some guy sitting at ringside and Mike Tenay is like “It’s Tank’s former bodyguard from the Ultimate Fight!” like this is someone anyone watching would possibly know.

So then Bobby Heenan heads to ringside and talks with the guy at ringside, who still isn’t named, and calls Tank a sellout. I was watching UFC regularly in 2000 and I had no idea who this guy was supposed to be.

Ernest Miller joins us and apparently we are no longer able to call his mama because his music is replaced here. So he threatens to whoop everyone and then dances.

Meanwhile, Al Green goes out on a stretcher while Scott Steiner collects a bet from Scott Hall.

Hardcore match: Bam Bam Bigelow v. Terry Funk

Bam Bam attacks backstage and hauls Funk into the arena by hanging a rope around his neck. I really hope Bigelow didn’t bring bounties in that way, because then no wonder he lost that job. Bigelow beats on him with a chair as we do the walking brawl to the ring, where Bigelow keeps hitting Funk with the chair and drops a headbutt on him. Diving headbutt misses and Funk makes the comeback and clotheslines him to the floor before following with a moonsault for a double down outside. Back in, Funk gets more shots with his own chair, but Bigelow slams him and goes up with a diving headbutt. So this brings out Finlay and Knobs and they attack Bigelow for some reason, resulting in Bam Bam accidentally headbutting a chair, at which point Funk gets put on top for the pin at 6:40. This was just Funk selling for the entire match like a sad old man. *1/2

Sid Vicious v. Don Harris

This is the replacement for the Jeff Jarrett match, with the idea being that Sid has to beat them to advance to the main event against Kevin Nash for the vacant World title later in the show, even though they’re already advertising that match. Sid beats on Ron outside, but Don gets a clothesline and drops an elbow for two in the ring. Don gets a chinlock and claims he’s going to be the new champion, but this isn’t for the title so he’s as confused as the bookers were. Sid escapes and Don goes back to the endless chinlock. Sid powers out and chokeslams Don, but Ron switches in and Sid promptly powerbombs him and pins him at 5:08 anyway. ½*

Billy Kidman v. Vampiro

Torrie is randomly at ringside with Kidman in a bikini. Sure why not. Vamp gets a suplex and Kidman takes him down with a headscissors, but Vamp powerbombs him. I was informed that this was not possible. Meanwhile, at ringside, David Arquette is sitting at ringside in advance of Ready to Rumble in what we call horrifying foreshadowing on a number of levels. Meanwhile Bobby makes jokes about Killer Karl Kox and Gunsmoke like all the kids were doing in 2000. Vamp goes up and misses a legdrop, allowing Kidman to put him on the floor and follow with a dive. So they fight on the apron for a bit and can’t get it together, and Kidman tries another dive and gets caught this time. Back in the ring, Vamp powerslams him for two. Kidman with the short powerbomb for two. Vamp with a DDT for two as this meanders on. Vamp tries another powerbomb but YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB KIDMAN and that gets two. Vamp chokeslams him for two after another botched spot, and Kidman tries a rana, but Vampiro powerbombs him for two. That’s two powerbombs that have been successful in this match. I’m thinking you actually can powerbomb Kidman. To the top and Kidman hits a rana this time off the top and gets the pin at 7:00. This was OK but sloppy as fuck. **

Meanwhile, Arn Anderson is on the phone with a mysterious person who he calls “Champ”.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene tries to interview Vampiro and the sound is out.

Lex Luger v. Booker T

The announcers are all WHO IS THE MYSTERIOUS “CHAMP” THAT ARN ANDERSON IS TALKING TO? Real head-scratcher. Lex notes that it’s funny that fans are chanting “We want Sting” because he asks himself the same question every day. What question? Also he throws out a challenge to Hulk Hogan, who had been gone for a long while at that point. It got no reaction from the crowd. Booker hits a forearm right away and puts Lex on the floor with a back elbow. Back in, Lex puts the boots to Booker to take over, but he walks into a Bookend and that gets two. Back to the floor and they fight out there and the announcers keep talking about the phone call from Arn but won’t say Ric Flair’s name. Back in, Booker comes back with the axe kick, but then Stevie Ray comes out and takes the ref and Big T hits Booker from behind and Lex racks him for the win at 4:44. And then the lights go out and we get a teased appearance by Sting, but then he’s gone again. *1/2. Wasn’t actually Sting apparently, which isn’t surprising.

Meanwhile, Gene redoes the interview with Vampiro and blames the WWE for sabotaging the sound truck earlier in the show. OKAY THEN.

WCW World tag team title: The Mamalukes v. Brian Knobs & Fit Finlay

So finally they mention that the Mamalukes won the tag team titles on Thunder. I can’t even imagine between a casual viewer in 2000 and tuning into this show and trying to make sense of anything happening on TV. And David Flair & Crowbar chase off the announcers and take over commentary, with Crowbar doing an impression of Gordon Solie from 1975 in Florida while David and Daffney shriek mindlessly. And they were wondering why WWF was kicking their ass week after week. Knobs and Vito slug it out in the corner while Miss Hancock wanders down to ringside and Crowbar says “Pier six brawl” and “Crimson mask”. Meanwhile David Flair dances on the desk like Charlie Chaplin and then Daffney follows Hancock to the back and I’m assuming there’s a match still happening in the ring? Knobs hits Johnny with a chair on the floor, but then throws a chair into the ring and hits Finlay by mistake and Vito gets the pin to retain at 4:00. This gave me a migraine just watching it. DUD

WCW World title: Kevin Nash v. Sid Vicious

Nash announces that the powerbomb is banned tonight because he’s the commissioner and makes the rules. Sid gets a quick slam and legdrop for two, but Nash comes back with the corner elbow. And then Sid hits a corner clothesline and slugs away on him before they fight to the floor. At this point Tony actually admits that Thunder will be TAPED on Tuesday and air on Wednesday. Back in the ring, Nash beats on him with forearms and gets a sleeper. “He can’t stay awake long!” notes Bobby. I know the feeling watching this show. But then the ref is bumped and Jeff Jarrett comes out while Sid makes his comeback (“kicking it into high gear” as Tony calls it, which makes me terrified to see low gear) and Sid steals the guitar and puts Nash out with it. Then he pretends to be the victim despite Nash laying there unconscious with pieces of guitar in his hair and on the mat. This is apparently big brain thinking from Sid, who then pins Nash to win the title at 6:15 and end the controversy once and for all, complete with confetti and a big celebration.

…

And then on Thunder the title was awarded to Nash because Sid pinned the wrong Harris on this show and they had another match for the vacant title and Sid won it again by beating Nash and the wrong Harris brother. But then it was SMOOTH SAILING for the WCW title for rest of 2000 I’m pretty sure.

Like, I know things were chaotic at this point, but is this REALLY the best they could come up with given a week to plan a show? I don’t even remember what they came up with as a main event for the tenth Superbrawl show in February but pretty sure it can’t be good.

Next week: God only knows.