The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 01.17.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 01.17.00

And so we pick things up after Souled Out 2000, one of the biggest disasters in wrestling history, which ended up with Chris Benoit as World champion. And then he gave up the belt and went to the WWF hours later, along with the Radicalz, leaving WCW depleted and with Vince Russo fired and Kevin Sullivan as head booker.

Live from Columbus, OH, drawing 10646

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay & Bobby Heenan

HOUR #1! The hour that wouldn’t medically clear Bret Hart for Souled Out!

Billy Kidman v. Psicosis

We start in the ring with Kidman immediately bumped back down to curtain jerker after having to carry the load of three matches on the PPV. Psi misses a blind charge and Kidman goes up with a crossbody for two, but then charges and flies over the top rope and lands on the floor. Psi follows with a dive and back in with a top rope leg lariat for two. Kidman comes back with the rebound lariat for two, but Psi gets a backbreaker for two. They fight to the floor and Kidman gets the worst of that, but Psi goes up top and Kidman dropkicks him on the way down. Kidman with the springboard bulldog for two. To the top again, but Psi brings him down with a facebuster for two. Psi tries the bulldog and Kidman smashes him with the wheelbarrow suplex for two. Psi with a DDT and he goes up with a top rope legdrop for two. He tries a powerbomb, but you are unable to execute a powerbomb on Kidman, and that gets the pin at 6:57. Interesting that they were trying to get that over as an actual finisher for him at this point, although when did Psicosis ever do powerbombs before this match? A very good match to hopefully get the train back on the tracks again after the clown show the night before. ***1/2

Meanwhile, Tony runs down what happened last night, although only in kayfabe because otherwise we’d need a three hour show again to cover all the shit backstage, but the upshot is that Chris Benoit has been stripped of the World title because Sid’s foot was under the ropes. Arn does a promo and explains that it was his first time refereeing, and he spent too much time watching the match instead of watching the action as an official, and he missed the foot in the ropes and he blew it. So they’ve wasted everyone’s time and now we don’t have a World champion again. YOU MEAN I SAT THROUGH THAT ENTIRE SHOW AGAIN FOR NOTHING?!?

Meanwhile, Commissioner Nash and Scott Steiner arrive at their new office, and the Harris Brothers are back in the Gerald & Patrick gimmick again without explanation.

Meanwhile, Booker T chats with Mean Gene about the “new” Harlem Heat, and he thought Big T was “still locked up”. Man they kind of missed an opportunity by not turning Tony Norris into a Suge Knight riff because that would have been kind of cool and topical.

The New Harlem Heat join us in the ring and Bobby notes that Big T looks twice as big as before and every bit as bad. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Stevie Ray announces that he’s willing to give Booker another chance to apologize in front of “all the cracker jack fruit booties” because of family and such. This brings out Booker and Midnight, but Stevie asks him to leave his “big rat” in the back and work it out man to man. Stevie offers peace, but Big T keeps yapping at Booker, so Booker attacks him and apparently this is a match.

Big T v. Booker T

Oh yeah now I remember where this ended up going. Big T hits the powerbomb right away, but Booker comes back with a running forearm and axe kick. Bookend follows, but Big T pulls the dreaded SLAPJACK out of his fanny pack and pins Booker at 1:30. Repackaging Ahmed into a supposed badass who literally wears a fanny pack in the ring is very on point for WCW. DUD

Disco Inferno v. Vampiro

The Mamalukes prevent Disco from doing his dance, because Italians are well known for never dancing I guess. Vampiro misses a flying nothing and Disco stomps him down in the corner, and the Mamalukes haul him out and add a further beating on the floor to allow Disco to take control. Back in, Disco goes for the stunner and Vamp escapes that, so he follows with a neckbreaker for two instead. He goes up and misses an elbow and Vamp hits him with a flying leg lariat to make the comeback, but Disco bails and the Mamalukes toss him back in for the Nail in the Coffin to finish at 3:48. Just a normal TV match. *1/2

Meanwhile, Scott Steiner brings a selection of hookers for Nash to check over and hire as “assistants”. “Nothing sexist, Scotty!” notes Nash while Steiner wants to play Twister with them. Oh man that came very close to being timely all over again in a very bad way.

WCW World tag team title: David Flair & Crowbar v. Three Count

Shane and Shannon hit the champs with dives right away, but Standards & Practices join us at ringside while David hits Shannon with a suplex to take over. Meanwhile Daffney hisses at Evan Karagias, who is being a sex pest on the floor, while Crowbar suplexes Shannon for two, prompting David to leave and go hit Evan with the crowbar to save Daffney. So that leaves Crowbar alone and he’s double-teamed by Three Count, but he gets rid of Shannon and finishes Shane with an inverted DDT at 2:50 to retain. Just a mess of stuff. *. To be honest I remembered them being champions for way longer, but in reality it was only two weeks.

Meanwhile, the nWo dismisses the ladies and Nash trips over his lines before declaring that they need to get rid of the Old Age Outlaws next. And that’s how the group is written off TV, never to be seen again as far as I know.

The Maestro v. Tank Abbott

Oh lord the Maestro. Tank immediately knocks him out at 0:17. This brings out Norman Smiley in football gear to lure Tank into a fight, but then Meng is revealed to be Norman’s backup and they have a staredown. That could be fun at least.

HOUR #2! The hour that gave Mike Graham the knife and advised him to threaten to gut Chris Benoit!

Commissioner Kev and the nWo join us for the State of WCW address as the roster has to be in the ring like complete geeks. Man, can you imagine Kevin Nash in charge of a wrestling promotion? What a disaster that would be! Nash has goals for everyone, like giving Knobs a brain and Tank Abbott a heart and Norman courage. “Wait a second, I sound like Oz up here!” Oh the hilarity. Nash gives Jeff Jarrett his US title back after he was stripped of it before Souled Out, as they hit the reset button in the lamest way possible. Next up, Nash has new rules, like mandatory rectal exams before every match. Also no one can look him in the eye and must refer to him as Lord and Master. Also no one can ask what’s up with the World title. He’s gonna let you know. So he’s booking Buff v. DDP as his first main event as Commissioner with Kimberly as referee. This was BRUTAL and destroyed whatever little tiny bit of goodwill and momentum this shitshow had built up so far.

Meanwhile, Nash presents Kimberly with a special referee outfit for tonight’s main event.

The Varsity Club v. Masa Chono & Super J

Chono randomly showed up on Souled Out and interrupted a promo, which led to absolutely nothing, and now he’s just here teaming with the former Fake Sting, Jeff Farmer. Apparently Farmer was fairly decent in New Japan but I dunno. Super J drops elbows on Rotunda for two, but Mike puts him down with his own elbows and tosses him for some shots from Rick Steiner. Back in the ring, Chono comes in gets double-teamed by the Varsity Club in their corner and Rick gets a t-bone suplex. Back to J, as this match just dies a thousand deaths, and Rotunda works the leg as the crowd completely turns on the match. J bails to the floor and gets clobbered out there as a result, and Rotunda goes to a chinlock while Steiner and Chono randomly decide to go fight in the aisle. Back in the ring, Team 2000 (not to be confused with Tekno Team 2000) double-teams Steiner and then everyone fights on the floor and Tony notes that they might all get counted out. Don’t tease me with something you’re not gonna deliver, Tony! Back in the ring, the match unfortunately continues with Chono hitting a shoulderblock on Steiner for two and I think the crowd just boos because the match is still going. And then Steiner just stops selling and hits them both with Steinerlines, allowing Rotunda to hit the samoan drop for two on Chono. Small package and the ref is distracted, and Super J rolls them over to put Chono on top for the pin at 9:13. Ever see the episode of Malcolm in the Middle where Francis had to eat something like 2000 marshmallow Peeps in order to win a bet and by the end he was just a physical wreck and every Peep was like a soul-crushing blow to his life? That’s what I felt like watching this disaster of a match. THIS MATCH IS THE PEEPS. -** Apparently there was a story behind it as well, with Chono declaring beforehand that he wouldn’t be selling or taking any bumps due to his injuries (“Krusty won’t be saying anything or doing anything”), which only served to piss off Steiner, who started taking it out on Super J with stiff shots instead.

Sid Vicious v. The Wall

So with the Harris Brothers going back to the suits, we now have three guys with basically the same gimmick, although to be fair only two of them are bald. Sid thankfully destroys the bum and tosses him to the floor before running him into the railing a bunch of times and beating him down with a chair. This is not a DQ for some reason but I’ll allow it. And then we cut to Disco Inferno and the Mamalukes meeting up with Nash in his office, and Nash namedrops his old buddy Vinnie Vegas to establish his cred and then sends them to the ring to beat up Sid. Back in the ring, Sid finishes with the chokeslam at 3:00, which leads me to wonder WHY THE FUCK they even bothered putting the Wall over at the PPV. But no, assigning logic to WCW is madness. Oh and Big Vito and Johnny try to beat him up as directed and you can probably guess how that goes for them.

Oh also after beating the Mamalukes like completely geeks here, they put the tag team titles on Big Vito and Johnny the Bull two days later on Thunder, for those keeping track at home and trying to make sense of anything going on.

Meanwhile, we get a commercial for WCW Mastercard, which unfortunately starts you 60 million in the hole.

Scott Steiner joins us with his own personal cheerleaders and he invites anyone in Ohio looking for sexual intercourse to make some noise. And then he insinuates that the women in the state are all promiscuous and the local education establishment is subpar before pulling someone out of the front row and beating him up. Well that was productive.

Lex Luger v. Bam Bam Bigelow

I completely forgot Bigelow was still around at this point. Bigelow headbutts Lex to the floor right away and beats on him outside, but Lex catches him with a clothesline out of the corner and puts the boots to him to take over. Blind charge misses and Bam Bam beats him down and drops a headbutt on him before going up with a diving headbutt. Liz takes the ref and Kanyon runs in, allowing Lex to break the champagne bottle on Bigelow’s head for the pin at 3:00. Oh and apparently Clarence Mason was managing Kanyon as “Mr. Biggs”, which you can add to the endless list of things I have memory-holed about this entire year for the promotion.

Diamond Dallas Page v. Buff Bagwell

As noted, Kim is the special referee, and it’s a DONNYBROOK to start as they fight into the crowd immediately and they fight back into the ring where Page slugs away in the corner. Buff drops him on the top turnbuckle and gets a DDT for two, but Kim is slow counting. Page reverses for two and she’s still counting slow, and they do a double-down with Buff on top for another slow two count. Buff goes up and Page crotches him to bring him down, but Buff gets his own low blow and hits the Buff Blockbuster. But then he accidentally bumps Kimberly while doing his pose, and DDP hits the Diamond Cutter for the pin at 7:10. And the mystery of whose side Kimberly is on continues as we wrap it up for another week. Decent match. **1/2

Compared to the Russo shows this was slightly better, with signs of them jettisoning the bigger nonsense decisions like the wretched tag team champions and pushing the Old Age Outlaws as a serious threat, but it’s still crap like the Varsity Club and the Mamalukes and endless nWo skits up and down the show. On the bright side, I don’t remember ANY of this shit, so at least every week is a new adventure for me.