The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 01.03.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 01.03.00

Fuck it, let’s do this. SPIKY WCW LOGO ERA.

I was long gone from paying any attention to WCW on a weekly basis at this point so this is all new to me.

Last week: Scott Steiner teases retirement, but Bret Hart thinks he’s lying! But then it turns out that they were actually working togther and SWERVED US ALL. ALL OF US. Well not me but the rest of you. Also a monster truck ran over a car because fuck it, why not? What else are they gonna do with their leftover budget?

Live from Greenville, SC

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Bobby Heenan, having a competition to see who can be more checked out over the course of the broadcast. And Mike Tenay is there as well just in case any nerds are needed.

TONIGHT! WE CROWN NEW WCW WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS via the Lethal Lottery!

WCW World tag team title quarterfinal: Buzzkill & Mike Rotundo v. The Harris Brothers

Gimmick refresher: Buzzkill was Brad Armstrong doing a ripoff of Road Dogg but pretending to be a hippie protester. Complete with ripoff of the music and catchphrases. Mike Rotundo (back with an “o” instead of an “a”) is part of the new (old) Varsity Club and managed by Kevin Sullivan again. Oh and the Harris Brothers were randomly picked to team together in this tournament. Buzzkill and Rotundo double-team Ron while Kevin joins us on commentary and makes terrible references to Animal House while Leia Meow works out at ringside. This brings out Standards & Practices (Lodi & Lenny in suits managed by Stacy “Miss Hancock” Keibler) to cover her up and the Harrissesesses finish Bradstreet at 2:24. We’re off to a rousing start with this 2000 Nitro project already. DUD.

LAST WEEK: Sid gets run over by a monster truck driven by the nWo 2000, but rest assured, he’ll be ready to face Bret Hart at Souled Out 2000 for the WCW title! Talk about a cursed PPV.

Meanwhile, the nWo watches a TV screen in the locker room, which features a limo driving away from the airport, and Kevin Nash cracks jokes about how the new commissioner might be. He guesses The Z-Man, but then we cut to Bret Hart arriving, who immediately gets into a brawl with Sid Vicious, who is wearing a neck brace after getting run over and trapped in a crushed car by a monster truck last week. As you would expect.

We take a break and the nWo beat up some paramedics with chairs because they’re SO MAD about this attack on Bret Hart. Me too.

Meanwhile, people are driving with police escorts.

Meanwhile, DDP is here, but he will not be wrestling on TV until he gets a match with Buff Bagwell, which happens at the PPV, so he’s confused about why he’s here. But then Curt Hennig informs him that the Powers That Be want him to wrestle TONIGHT.

WCW World tag team title tournament semi-finals: PG-13 v. Diamond Dallas Page?

Sure, let’s go with it. Page runs in and attacks the geeks, who apparently advanced via DQ or reversed decision or some shit last week, whatever. I didn’t even know they were in WCW. Page hits them both with Diamond Cutters and leaves and I don’t know if this was a match or what. I’m gonna say…maybe?

WCW World tag team title tournament semi-finals: Kevin Nash & Scott Steiner v. PG-13.

OK I guess this was supposed to be the actual match. Nash and Steiner were also randomly drawn as a tag team for this tournament. So PG-13 is still laid out, and Nash drops an elbow and pins one of them to win and advance to the finals. I want to apologize to the Superstars 96 tag team tournament for talking so much shit about it because this one seems to be burying it six feet under.

Meanwhile, the limos are still pulling into the arena, maybe containing the new commissioner. Tony is very excited about the future of the company under Bill Busch! Yeah about that.

The nWo joins us again in case we’re not sick of them yet. Bret Hart swings for the fences and calls Sid a BIG STUPID DUMMY, and Jeff Jarrett wishes us a SLAPPY NEW YEAR. And then he challenges Chris Benoit to a triple threat series of matches at Souled Out, with a Dungeon Match, a Bunkhouse Match, and a cage match to cap things off for the US title. Yeah none of that ended up happening. Kevin Nash stresses that they’re here to BREAK RULES. Presumably rules like “not drinking a 12 pack before and during the show.” Scott Steiner talks about his fake retirement last week and understands that everyone wanted him to go, but the feeling is NOT mutual! I think he meant the opposite of what he was saying there. See because the crowd is full of rednecks and white trash, which we’ve heard about 10 times tonight already from various heels going for cheap heat. So yeah, they all have baseball bats and they don’t care about the commissioner, whoever he or she might be.

Meanwhile, we’re like 40 minutes into this show and the damn limo still hasn’t made it to the arena yet.

WCW World tag team title tournament quarter-finals: David Flair & Crowbar v. Lash Leroux & Midnight

OK, so earlier they were calling the PG-13 match the semi-finals and I just assumed it was wacky WCW tournament bracketing, but I guess they meant quarter-finals. Lash hits David with a sideslam while Stevie Ray joins us on commentary and immediately calls Midnight a “jacked up hoochie who’s been messing with him”. Crowbar beats on Lash with headbutts, but gets taken to the floor while Stevie complains about Midnight just standing there not earning her money. Lash hits them with a dive and Stevie demands that Midnight get tagged in and EARN HER MONEY. It’s all Booker’s fault anyway apparently. And why do the announcers keep putting over the Steiners and not Harlem Heat? So Stevie has had enough and goes to the ring and orders Lash to tag in Midnight, so she comes in and dropkicks Crowbar while he falls all over himself trying to sell her garbage offense. So Stevie pulls her out and takes care of business himself, while Disco Inferno and his new mafia buddies come out to confront Harlem Heat, but Stevie turns on Booker with the Slapjack and Lash comes back on Crowbar and there’s no ref for some reason, which allows the Mamalukes to run in and beat up Lash, and they finally leave after like 2 minutes of doing moves, and they put David on top of Lash for the pin at 5:23 to advance to the semi-finals. I would pay good money to be in the room for the booking meeting that resulted in that finish. -***

Meanwhile, Disco and Lash get into an argument, but the Mamalukes attack Lash and Disco questions his life choices.

Lex Luger and Elizabeth join us, and Lex is dressed like Sting and using his music. You know it’s Vince Russo because people are dressed up as other people!

Lex Luger v. Tank Abbott

Apparently Lex does not want this match, so Liz sprays mace in Tank’s eye and Lex claims victory and leaves.

Jerry Flynn v. Tank Abbott

Apparently Flynn wants a piece of Tank, so he comes out and kicks Tank down to continue their feud, which is apparently leading to a PAY PER VIEW MATCH at Souled Out. This is awesome. 10/10, no notes.

You know it’s quality when I have to start multiple sentences with “Apparently…” in order to attempt to make sense of any of this.

Meanwhile, the nWo surround the limo in the parking lot, showing how unafraid of the new commissioner they are.

WCW Special Council Rob Garner joins us to cut a promo! Who else but this old white guy could be electrifying enough to announce the new WCW Commisioner…TERRY FUNK! He’s here for real wrestling and Vince Russo is throwing out easy money, so he wants to “throw a skyrocket up his exhaust and blow his brains out”. So he needs an enforcer to help him do that, and he’s recruited Arn Anderson, who was fired at some point before this but now he’s back. He’s also insulting Vince Russo because he didn’t script his matches with a pen and erase them with an eraser! To be fair, he’d have to script them with a pencil in order to erase them, unless he had one of those crappy erasable ink pens that never worked right. So Bret Hart and the nWo interrupt, and Bret notes that “some guys never know when to quit” and he throws out a challenge to Terry, but Terry makes some stips for Souled Out instead:

Stipulation #1: If the nWo causes a DQ, Bret loses the title.

Stipulation #2: Arn Anderson is the special referee.

Stipulation #2a: Jeff Jarrett has to defend the US title against Sid tonight in a powerbomb match.

Stipulation #2b: Funk is gonna make sure Nash and Steiner get screwed in the tag team title tournament tonight.

Nash thought Funk was dead, and thinks Arn is like Doc Holliday, who died of tuberculosis. Oh man, just like Arthur Morgan. Sorry, spoiler. Anyway, Nash stresses that THEY make the rules and Terry Funk is a walking dead man. Perhaps from some sort of respiratory illness if I’m following the story properly. No wait, that was Arn. I’m very confused by these metaphors.

WCW World tag team title tournament quarter-finals: Buff Bagwell & Chris “Champagne” Kanyon v. Norman Smiley & Asya

Yes another intergender match in the tournament. Buff immediately turns on Kanyon and smashes the champagne bottle to knock him out, because Kanyon is currently some kind of Hollywood phony who parties with all the chicks. And that makes him a heel. Norman is dressed like the local sports mascot of Greenville’s sports team, although I thought it was Wildcat Willy before they clarified what he was going for. Buff beats on Norman and backdrops him while cutting a promo to the camera, but Norman comes back and dances and brings in Asya, who puts the boots to Buff and drops an elbow on him. She tries a suplex and Buff reverses to his own and cleans house on the freakshow team of clowns. So Asya goes low on Buff, but Norman uses the mascot head and hits Asya by mistake, allowing Buff to win by himself with the Blockbuster at 3:00 and advance to the semi-finals. But then the Revolution runs in and takes out Buff but they’re also fighting with each other apparently, and then Hacksaw Duggan (who is currently moonlighting as a janitor) makes the save (?) but then gets beat up himself until the Filthy Animals make the save for him. I have no idea what any of this means but I’m just kind of going limp and pretending I’m in a car accident. DUD

Meanwhile, the nWo roams the backstage area looking for David Flair because they want to beat him up, but Terry Funk finds Daffney.

WCW World tag team title tournament semi-final: Kevin Nash & Scott Steiner v. The Harris Brothers

Nash decides to work the match alone while Scott does commentary at ringside, so the Harrisseseses double-team him and chase him to the floor. So Nash grabs a baseball bat, but now the Varsity Club runs in and attacks the assorted Harrisses with chairs and lay them out, and Scott pins one of them at 1:20 to advance to the finals.

Meanwhile, Terry Funk grills Daffney about the whereabouts of David Flair, but she storms off and gets kidnapped by Jeff Jarrett and we take a break as the camera people don’t seem particularly concerned by this potential felony action happening live on TV.

WCW World tag team title tournament semi-final: Buff Bagwell v. David Flair & Crowbar

So elsewhere, Bam Bam Bigelow is beating up Kanyon, thus sparing Bagwell the trouble of turning on his own partner for the second time in the same show, and so Buff has to work alone again. But then Vampiro randomly appears and decides to be Buff’s partner and I guess they’re just gonna let him. So Crowbar attacks Vamp and gets booted down for his troubles, and Vamp follows with a lariat and the ring mic is completely silent and this sounds really weird. But then Funk and Anderson come out and try to talk sense into David Flair while he continues to go crazy and we’re paying no attention to anything going on in the ring. So Vampiro gets all offended and goes after Funk, and that ends badly for him before Funk tosses him back in the ring and Buff turns on another partner with the Blockbuster, allowing David to tag in and pin Vampiro to advance to the finals at 3:15.

But then we move directly to the finals, with the nWo having kidnapped Daffney, whom Scott Steiner calls “uglier than David Flair’s mother”, which is unfair because, let’s face it, Beth Flair was a very handsome woman. Oh and then they change their mind and we’re not going to the finals after all because the nWo leaves again and David chases after them.

US title, Powerbomb match: Jeff Jarrett v. Sid Vicious

OK let’s see what bullshit finish they use to get out of this one. Sid is still sporting a neck brace and now the stipulation for Souled Out is apparently nWo being barred from ringside instead of the DQ rule being waived, but then Tony changes his mind and goes back to the originally announced stip again. Sid puts the boots to Jeff, still wearing the neck brace mind you, but Jeff hits him in the neck and backdrops him to the floor. Meanwhile there’s various members of the WCW Power Plant class at ringside, some of which actually did become wrestlers and hold titles in the sport. They fight to the floor and back in Sid gets a big boot and chokeslam and that neck brace ain’t holding up much longer. But then the ref is bumped and Sid gets the powerbomb, but Bret Hart runs in for the DQ, in the match where it has to end via powerbomb, at 2:40. Let’s face it, we all knew that’s how it was gonna end up. DUD. EMTs run in to check on that neck brace, but Bret and JJ beat on them with baseball bats as well and spray paint them.

WCW World tag team title tournament finals: Scott Steiner & Kevin Nash v. David Flair & Crowbar

Tony clarifies the power structure of WCW during the entrances: Vince Russo & Ed Ferrera are “creatively in charge” of WCW, but they answer to Bill Busch, and Terry Funk and Arn Anderson are also involved somehow but they’re not really sure how they fit in. Scott does commentary again and insults random people at ringside (“Get out of my face you piece of white trash. You look like shit!”). Nash beats on Flair and Scott questions how many people in the crowd are white trash, which gives us the following exchange:

Tony: “I’m not sure.”

Scott: “BULLSHIT! THEY’RE ALL WHITE TRASH!”

Tenay: “Well we are in Greenville.”

Bobby: “Oh, Tenay turning heel on us.”

This is art. Or maybe not “art” in the traditional sense of the word but it’s SOMETHING and I’m gonna go with “art” until science proves me wrong.

So I dunno, there’s no referee in the match yet and Nash is beating them both up by himself of something, whatever, but Arn joins us in his new role as referee. Scott: “AND WHAT THE HELL IS A HURACANRANA? THAT’S A FRANKENSTEINER! THIS IS BULLSHIT!” Oh and Arn hits Nash with a crowbar while Scott rants about move names and white trash some more and then David Flair pins Nash to win the titles at 3:39. MILLION BILLION STARS.

But then the nWo beats up Funk and Anderson with the crowbar and lays them out in their first show as commissioner and trouble-shooting ref, beating them up viciously and kidnapping Arn before locking him in the trunk of a car off-screen while Nash powerbombs Funk in the ring. But I guess we’ll find out more on Thunder about Arn getting kidnapped and potentially murdered by this gang of thugs. You know, really putting them over as big babyface threats to the nWo.

Anyway, this was so hilariously terrible and misguided on every conceivable level, like Russo thought up every logical storyline point and match finish and did the opposite just to see the show burn in a chaotic fire of awfulness, bludgeoning you constantly with screwjob finishes and run-ins in EVERY SINGLE MATCH and just trying so hard to throw every stupid idea at the wall with no editorial oversight and find something that would stick. Nothing did! But by god they weren’t gonna let their lack of common sense or fundamental misunderstanding of 100 years of wrestling history get in their way of trying. I appreciate you, Vince Russo, and hope you never get fired!

What’s that? He did? In how many weeks from now?

Well we’ll carry on next week and see if this scrappy little promotion can outlast ECW.