The SmarK Rant for WCW Halloween Havoc 1994

Live from Detroit, MI, drawing 14,000 and nearly a 1.0 buyrate. So yeah, this one was a success, one of the biggest in the history of the company.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Bobby Heenan.

WCW World TV title: Johnny B. Badd v. Honky Tonk Man

This feels like a mistake as a show opener. Should have went with the Nasty Boys match. Honky hides in the ropes to start but Badd gets the FULL ARMDRAG AND TWIST and Honky has to run away again. Badd with an atomic drop and he messes up the hair before sending Honky running again. Back in, Honky runs him into the corner and drops a fist on him to take over before putting him down with a back elbow. Honky with a chinlock as he’s just doing a basic Memphis match from the 80s here, sticking out like a sore thumb in a company full of people who were actually motivated and trying new stuff at that point. Badd with a sunset flip for two, but Honky goes back to the chinlock. He tries to finish with the neckbreaker, but Badd backdrops out of it, so Honky runs him into the corner and gets two with the ropes for leverage. They slowly fight to the floor and back in as the finish is already incredibly telegraphed by the fact that they basically started doing time calls as soon as the opening bell rang. Honky with another chinlock to slow it down even more, but Badd makes the comeback and slugs away in the corner while Honky does his goofy selling. Back elbow puts Honky down, but he comes back with a back suplex for a double down with time running out. And Honky doesn’t try to pin, he just chokes Badd out and they scrap until time expires at 10:00. Well the timekeeping was accurate in this one, you have to give it that. Honky was completely worthless at this point and should have been fired way before this match was allowed to stink up the PPV.

Rating: DUD

WCW World tag team title: Stars & Stripes v. Pretty Wonderful

Patriot and Wonderful slug it out while Bobby speculates that the Patriot is actually Al Gore under the mask. I’d say “Huge if true” but I think Patriot was already known as Del Wilkes in canon by that point. It’s quickly a donnybrook and Orndorff gets double-teamed by the champs. Over to Roma and he too finds his arm worked over, but he manages to spring to the top and drops a fist on Bagwell in a weird spot. I think he was intending for a flying elbow but Bagwell wasn’t in position. Bagwell with a crossbody for two and he goes back to the arm, and then Patriot comes in and works him over to set up a flying sunset flip from Marcus for two. Back to Orndroff and Bagwell goes after his arm and awkwardly blocks a powerslam, hitting his own series of slams instead. They got some communication issues going here, which is weird given all the matches they’d had so far. The champs work Roma over and Patriot hits a corner clothesline for two, but Bagwell comes in and the heels finally trap him in the corner and put the boots to him to take over. Roma demands “WIND IT UP, PAUL!” and so Wonderful drops the BOOGIE WOOGIE ELBOW and gets a big pop for it. Man was a trailblazer and didn’t even know it. Roma puts the boots to Bagwell in the corner while Tony reminisces about Paul Orndorff and Jimmy Snuka winning the World tag titles back in the 70s, Orndorff’s first major title. Clearly this was before Tony stopped giving a crap. Bagwell fights up and runs into a knee from Roma on the apron, but Marcus gets a suplex on Orndorff for two. Backslide gets two as we’re running a little too long on the heat segment and it’s time for a hot tag here. Bagwell with a sleeper and Roma breaks that up, so Patriot runs in without a tag and they all slug it out. Bagwell with his fisherman’s suplex, but the ref escorts Patriot out and Roma nails Bagwell off the top rope and puts Orndorff on top for the pin and the titles at 13:47. This was looking like another quickie Bagwell reign gone wrong, but they actually ended up regaining them again later. Match was fairly dull stuff but the finish got a big pop.

Rating: **1/2

Meanwhile, Ric Flair and Sherri are planning their celebration already and may or may not have paid off Mr. T.

Kevin Sullivan v. Dave Sullivan

Yes, it’s the epic debut “I Wanna Be a Hulkamaniac”, which sadly has survived the music purge on the WWE Network. I can’t imagine why having this clearly 40-something grown man acting like a child with literal children singing his song didn’t get him over. Evad hits Kevin with a back elbow, but Kevin clotheslines him out of the corner while they note that Hogan told Evad that the “magic slippers” were the very boots that he wore when he beat Andre the Giant in 1987. What a fucking grifter this guy is. Is he gonna be selling him a meme coin next? They have a shitty brawl on the floor and Dave misses a charge in the ring, allowing Kevin to stomp him down and take over. So Kevin grabs a Hogan bandana and shoves it down his brother’s throat before hitting the double stomp. But that just makes Evad mad and he does his a shitty Hogan comeback, only for Kevin to call for a truce by pretending to kiss the Hogan ring and accepting Hulkamania. So idiot Dave believes him, and Kevin sucker punches him before they brawl to the outside again and Evad somehow beats the count at 5:12. Spoiler: Putting yellow boots on the Equalizer doesn’t suddenly make him not one of the worst wrestlers in history.

Rating: -**

Also even in storyline Hogan is a worthless gaslighting son of a bitch who sold Dave Sullivan a pair of “magic slippers” that DIDN’T EVEN WORK and only allowed him to beat Kevin via countout. Hope Dave saved his receipt, although good luck getting a refund from that orange colored grifter. Hulk would probably take him to court and tie up the case for years anyway.

Dustin Rhodes v. Arn Anderson

Once again a reminder that Cowboy Arn Anderson was AWESOME and did nothing wrong here, as he told Dustin from day one that he would be the ruthless piece of shit that would turn on Dustin in a second, and then did just that. That’s on Dustin. Hopefully he’s got some other family members who aren’t so gullible. They fight for the lockup and trade takedowns on the mat, but Arn claims a hairpull and that’s usually a bad sign for his matches. They slug it out and Dustin wins that battle and then follows with an atomic drop into the corner and clothesline to the neck. Dustin goes up and Arn brings him down on his little naturals, but Dustin comes down with a flying clothesline for two. Dustin tries the Flip Flop and Fly, but can barely finish the Flip before Arn slugs him down to cut him off. You rarely ever see someone winding up their punches successfully in a street fight or MMA setting. They brawl on the floor and Arn runs into the post as a result, allowing Dustin to get a rollup for two in the ring. Dustin goes to work on the arm to ground the match, but he tries the lariat and misses, landing on the floor as a result. Pretty good bump from Dustin there, flying right over the giant stairs in the middle of the apron. Back in, Arn goes to work on him and gets two and we get the spot where Arn does the knucklelock and lands on Dustin’s knees, but he turns that into a catapult under the ropes instead for a nice little twist. They slug it out and Dustin comes back with a kneelift and hits his lariat on the second try, which gets two. Arn tries for the DDT and Dustin grabs the ropes and drops an elbow for two. Dustin with a stungun and Arn is knocked loopy, but he tries a piledriver anyway. Dustin reverses and Arn blocks it and grabs the ropes for two, but the ref catches him. Dustin reverses the cradle for the pin at 9:52. Nice little match, but this was like a WCW Pro main event on TV, not a PPV blood feud blowoff.

Rating: ***

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan and his ass-kissing stooges relate a story THAT TOTALLY HAPPENED YOU GUYS about trying to sneak into Detroit and being unable to stay unrecognized due to the “pump on his guns”, and then wading through all the anti-Flair signs before accusing Mr. T of being on the take from Flair so he has a built-in excuse if he loses.

US title: Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Stunning Steve Austin

Steve’s “zero fucks given” promos on WCWSN leading up to his rematch were a thing of beauty, as he was clearly in full knowledge of where the company was going without him, and he was just trying to get Mean Gene to crack by any means necessary. Austin stomps a mudhole on Duggan in the corner, you might say, but Duggan hits him with a clothesline out of the corner and the spinning slam. Duggan with a sleeper, but Austin takes out the knee and goes to work on that. Duggan sends him into the corner and Steve takes a clown bump off that and Duggan rolls him up for two. Austin goes for the leg again and misses, allowing Duggan to hit him with an atomic drop as Austin bails and he’s selling for the back row. See, he was made to fill stadiums, there’s the proof. Back in the ring, Austin offers a handshake, because if you can’t trust Steve Austin, who can you trust? Duggan grabs a headlock, but Austin puts him down with double axehandles. Duggan fights up, so Austin hits him with a low blow and chokes him out in the corner. He goes up with an elbow for two, but misses a flying splash and that allows Duggan to make the comeback. Tony notes that Duggan “represents the working class of America”. Maybe Austin should try doing THAT. But in this case, Duggan tries the three point stance and Austin throws him over the top rope to draw the DQ at 8:00. Was it good? No. But watching Austin slowly go stir crazy in WCW and giving up all hope live on TV in real time gives the match a certain extra layer I couldn’t appreciate at the time.

Rating: *

Sting joins Mean Gene, and he’s gonna sit at ringside so he’ll have a “bird’s eye view” of the main event. Wait a second, in order to have a bird’s eye view, he’d have to be high in the RAFTERS or something. Was that FORESHADOWING? TUNE INTO NITRO TO FIND OUT!

The Guardian Angel v. Big Van Vader

Angel attacks Harley Race for no particular reason and they fight for the lockup in the corner, with Angel slapping him in an ill-conceived notion. So Vader boxes his ears and beats him into a pulp in the corner, then clotheslines him to the floor. They fight out there and Angel continues going after Race with no provocation. He’s Race-baiting! Back in the ring, he slams Vader onto poor retired Harley Race and slugs away in the corner. They fight for a suplex and Angel wins that battle, but Vader just WHUPS him with punches and that’s tremendous. He goes up and Angel catches him with a powerslam on the way down as we get a HOSS FIGHT, and a diving headbutt gets two. Angel clotheslines Vader to the floor as these 400 pound guys are just hurling each other around the ring with no regard, but Vader blocks the Bossman slam and seemingly hurts his arm in the process. Angel is selling like he’s dead, so Vader hits the Vader bomb for two. Angel with a spinebuster for two, and the Bossman slam looks to finish, but he goes after Race AGAIN. Stop playing the Race card! So he suplexes Race into the ring, and that backfires on him bigtime, as Vader hits him with a splash and pins him at 8:15. They were having a BANGER but it ended too quickly and sadly didn’t feature Vader shooting on Muhammad Ali at ringside. Vader would be like “WHO’S THE MAN” and Ali would be like “I’m not sure, my memory is very foggy these days due to CTE”. I would have given it an extra star.

Rating: ***1/2

Thomas Hearns talks with Mean Gene, clearly not paying any attention to the storylines, which wouldn’t be the first time the Hitman came to WCW and didn’t give a shit.

The Nasty Boys v. Bunkhouse Buck & Terry Funk

Sags has a pumpkin with him and you know where that thing is ending up given who’s in the match. I’m assuming this is some kind of no rules street fight because otherwise what are we even doing here? We get the big brawl to start and the Stud Stable gets all confused and brawls with each other on the floor while Parker tries to get Funk to regroup. Back in the ring, Knobs slugs away on Terry and he bumps to the floor and threatens random people with a chair. Terry was too beautiful for 1994 WCW. Back in the ring, Sags…uh…teabags Terry Funk. That’s a thing that happened on PPV television in 1994. Funk isn’t particularly happy about it but let’s be honest, he probably called the spot. Sags gets trapped in the corner but fights out of it, so Funk lets Buck have a go. So the Nasties beat him down and WE GOT CLUBBERING, TONY! So Terry grabs his emotional support chair and hits himself in the head to center his chakra again before yelling at random people in the audience to blow off some steam. That’s how I feel every time I log onto the internet these days. They fight into the crowd and Buck tries to hang Sags with the tag rope out there. Back in, Sags with a double facebuster and Knobs gets the hot tag, but quickly gets tripped up. Buck loads up his glove with an international object, but the ref catches him, so Meng comes in, hits Funk by mistake, and Sags piledrives him on the pumpkin and Knobs gets the pin at 7:55. Thank god Terry Funk took a piledriver on the pumpkin because otherwise I would have lost all faith in him like a child learning the truth about Santa Claus. You know, that he’s a jolly old soul who brings presents to the children of the world on Christmas every year. Just in case there’s any kids reading this. I know you’ll be shocked to hear that the match was lousy but Terry Funk was personally trying to entertain every person in the building or die trying.

Rating: *1/2

WCW World title, retirement cage match: Hulk Hogan v. Ric Flair

Man the whole deal with Flair’s fake World title belt sure got dropped in the last couple of weeks leading up to this show, didn’t it? As Michael Buffer reminds all of us, Hogan is the “King of Hulk-Mania”. That sounds like a shirt you order off Temu or something. Mr. T, your special referee, is wearing a Red Wings jacket instead of a referee outfit like a normal person. Maybe he’s concealing a “King of Hulk-Mania” t-shirt underneath and didn’t want to get sued. Hulk comes out with clotheslines and Flair retreats to the corner, so Hulk chases him and slugs away before choking Ric out. Mr. T is all like “Yo, you can’t do that, fool!” and Ric pokes Hulk in the eyes as a result. But then Hulk runs him into the cage a few times and slugs away to take over again. Flair clips the knee and goes to work on that and runs him into the cage. Flair with the kneedrop, but Hulk gets a corner clothesline and runs Flair into the cage while Tony explains the significance of fans holding up the four fingers for Flair. “Yeah, well, I held up one finger for Hogan” notes Bobby. Flair goes back to the knee and adds a delayed suplex, so delayed they should call it Flair’s actual retirement 30 years later, and that gets two. Back to the corner, but Hulk blocks the chops and fires back with his own, so Flair tries to climb the cage and escape. This allows Hulk to crotch him, but a blind charge misses. Flair goes for the figure-four and Hulk cradles for two. Back to the chops, but Hulk no-sells those and backdrops Flair before running him into the cage. We get some cheese grater action and Hulk gets a back suplex for two as Mr. T just a horrible referee who can barely count properly. Flair tries to run away again, but they slug it out on the top rope and Flair bumps back into the ring and drops a knee on Hulk’s knee to finally take over. Flair with the figure four, which draws a giant reaction from the crowd, but Hulk reverses the move as we’re in full Flair Broomstick mode now. Hulk breaks the move, but Mr. T gets bumped and he’s out like Murdock drugged him on a plane ride . So Sherri wisely decides to climb into the cage now, and Jimmy Hart pulls off her skirt to stop her before Sting hauls her down. But this brings out the Masked Man, who appears from under the ring and clobbers Sting with his lead pipe. So Sherri and the Masked Man make it into the ring and handcuff Mr. T before running Hogan into the cage one more time. Flair with another delayed suplex, but Hulk no-sells this time and takes out both Flair and Sherri as they’re just throwing everything at the screen. Flair tries to escape and Hulk runs him into the cage for a Flair Flop off the top rope, and we get the big boot to Sherri, who is working a *** match all by herself here. Hulk no-sells everything from Flair and we get the big boot and legdrop, and he drags Flair over to Mr. T and pins him to retain the title and “retire” Flair at 19:24. They were just like “Fuck it, let’s do some cocaine and overbook this thing with a rocket launcher instead of a pencil” and damned if it didn’t work. Clearly the best Hogan-Flair match ever. Probably one of the best Hogan singles matches ever, full stop.

Rating: ****1/4

So then Hulk celebrates with his title, but we’ve still got 10 minutes left, so the Masked Man returns and gets caught this time, and Hulk pulls off the mask to reveal BRUTUS BEEFCAKE, and then we get an attack from Kevin Sullivan and natural disaster-related heel John Tenta, which officially kicks off one of the worst periods in WCW’s history as far as the actual product went. I mean, Hogan’s best friend turning on him was an effective storyline twist, but not as a way to set up the Starrcade main event. Brutus Beefcake in 1994 wasn’t exactly a good substitute for Curt Hennig in 1994. They probably should have cashed in on legally distinct natural disaster related John Tenta while they could and done that match instead. I will say that I did appreciate that after a couple of months of teasing, they revealed the identity of the masked man and had a payoff for it.

Verdict: I wouldn’t call it a GREAT show overall, but it’s clearly one of the most entertaining ones of the year and I’d say if they had better finishes and a stronger midcard it would have been contending for PPV of the Year. But it’s not, it’s just a fun show that unfortunately proved to be a harbinger of the company’s creative direction suddenly and violently going down the toilet instead. But hey, as the Masked Man showed, nobody’s perfect.

Thumbs up.