The SmarK Rant for WCW Great American Bash 2000 – 06.11.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Great American Bash 2000 – 06.11.00

The buildup for this show was that Russo & Bischoff were promising the BIGGEST SURPRISE IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY AND THERE’S NOTHING VINCE MCMAHON CAN DO ABOUT IT, although they walked it back significantly in local advertising for the show, downplaying it to “something that will affect Kevin Nash forever”. I’ve been reviewing these Nitro shows weekly and I still couldn’t tell you more than a couple of matches on this PPV because they’ve done such a shit job of building it up. Quick, what’s the main event of this thing? My point exactly.

Live from Baltimore, MD, drawing 7031, with 4600 paid with a 0.19 buyrate.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden & Scott Hudson

For some reason the highlights from Nitro and Thunder leading up to this show have a weird Vaseline filter on them, like they were produced by Kari Lake or something.

The Misfits In Action join us and Chavo Guerrero has somehow ended up with the Cruiserweight title between Nitro and this show. Last we had seen or heard on Nitro a few weeks before this, Daffney was the champion. So Rection informs Chavo that he’s defending against Disco tonight, at which point Chavo pulls out a hand grenade as his surprise for Disco. See, he’s LOCO.

Cruiserweight title: Lt. Loco v. Disco Inferno

Even the announcers are mystified by how Disco is supposed to fit in with the Filthy Animals. Chavo hits a leg lariat, but walks into a stungun. Chavo sends him to the floor and the Misfits beat on Disco, and back in the ring that gets two. Loco with a back suplex for two. Loco sends Disco to the floor and follows with a dive as the announcers now try to get “Hip Hop Inferno” over as a name while being unable to keep track of the stupid MIA nicknames. Back in the ring, Disco gets an elbow for two while we get someone else in military gear who is apparently Hugh Morrus’s grandfather and he fakes a heart attack while Juvy runs in and takes out Chavo behind the ref’s back. But then Disco hits the stunner and Cpl Cajun runs in and hits some kind of neckbreaker on Disco and puts Chavo on top for the pin to retain at 4:54. And then Major Gunns has to give the old man mouth to mouth to revive him. “Come on honey, pick an end, either way it’ll revive him!” notes Mark. Charming. Totally overbooked “comedy” garbage to get the show off to a rousing start. *

Meanwhile, the cops assure Eric Bischoff that they’ve secured the perimeter and no one is going to ruin his big surprise.

Meanwhile, the Mamalukes argue over which one is actually the WCW Hardcore champion, and again last we even saw Bischoff had won the title on Nitro so apparently a bunch of stuff happened on Thunder and no one mentioned any of it.

The Mamalukes v. Kronik

So Big Vito is wearing the Hardcore title so I guess that makes him the champion. Mark Madden talks about how he’s read all the newsletter reports and internet posts and no one has guessed the big surprise so it’s clearly been the best kept secret in history. OK, first up, EVERYONE guessed the “big surprise”. Everyone. The feeling was basically “They’ve got nothing so they’re gonna do the lamest and stupidest thing possible” and it was pretty much a 100% success rate in predicting it. Meltzer said what the “surprise” would be outright in the Observer from the week before, in fact. Second, if Madden didn’t “know” the surprise, how he could know that everyone was wrong about it? Anyway, winner of this is the #1 contender to the tag team titles even though people randomly get tag title shots every week for no reason. Kronik chases the heels out of the ring while Tony finally explains what happened with the Hardcore title, which is that Bischoff just decided to give the title to Big Vito on Thunder. I love how they spent weeks trying to get the Hardcore title over as a big prize that the New Blood desperately wanted, but then as soon as they win it, Bischoff just gives it away like a piece of trash. It’s another Russo issue, as he wants to treat the titles like props so he can brush off criticisms of how badly they’re booked, but then he also wants to use the tropes of #1 contender matches and big title matches at the same time. You can’t do both. Back in the ring, Clark slams Johnny the Bull, but the Mamalukes double-team him while Vito wears the title in the ring. Clark misses a blind charge and Vito beats on him with axehandles. Over to Adams, who comes in with a full nelson slam on Johnny for two. The story from the announcers now is that Kronik came in as part of the New Blood but went off and did they own thing because they didn’t like Vince Russo. OK then. Mamalukes beat on Adams for a bit and Kronik comes back with a double backdrop on Vito, who can’t even bump properly because he’s doing the gag of trying to keep the belt on all the time. Adams with an F5 for two, but Vito superkicks him and it’s back to Johnny as this match is going NOWHERE. Johnny fucks up his move where he jumps onto the top rope and Vito kind of wanders off to the table to abandon his partner, while Kronik double-teams Johnny and finishes with the double chokeslam at 9:16. HILARIOUSLY awful, as they were stumbling around the ring and blowing moves from start to finish. -**

Ambulance Match: Diamond Dallas Page v. “Career Killer” Mike Awesome

Wow, an ambulance match, haven’t seen one of those in a week or two! They continue cycling through nicknames for Awesome as they desperately try to get this guy over and somehow keep failing. DDP wheels out the crippled Kanyon in a wheelchair and neck halo to watch the match and provide inspiration, but if you can’t guess the finish of this match then you should just go read something else right now. They brawl on the floor right away and Awesome throws Page into the crowd. They swing chairs at each other and DDP wins that battle and somehow the ref is already bumped and unable to see any of it. Awesome with a splash to take over as Hudson points out that Mike is 1-2 in ambulance matches. Yeah that’ll get him over! They fight on the floor and Awesome powerbombs him through the table for the win at 4:10. Oh wait, this isn’t an “ambulances and tables match”, it’s just an ambulance match. My bad, I get confused by these. Back in the ring, Awesome beats him down and goes up with a flying splash and then puts chairs on top of DDP and goes up for another one, which of course misses. So this brings Kimberly out and she beats Page down with a lead pipe, but then Miss Hancock attacks her and they brawl away. Madden going “snoochie boochies” is more cringe than the video of those office workers rapping about themselves. Page comes back with the Diamond Cutter and puts Awesome on the stretcher to win the stretcher match at 8:22! No wait it’s not a stretcher match, sorry. But then Eric Bischoff comes out and goes after Kanyon, but Kanyon pops out of the chair and hits Page with the Kanyon Cutter off the stage, which the camera completely misses, and does the dreaded T-Shirt Heel Turn, allowing Awesome to put DDP in the ambulance to win the ambulance match at 9:48! OK that was the finish now, right? OK then. You’d think that DDP would be running out of friends and employers and associates to turn on him every PPV, but you’d be WRONG. Wasn’t much to the match as these guys just don’t have particularly good chemistry. **1/2. Conway Twitty could have written a country song about DDP and all the people who have betrayed him this year.

GI Bro v. Shawn Stasiak

Apparently this is a boot camp match because reasons. Stasiak puts the boots to him, but Booker clotheslines him to the floor and they fight out there. Back in the ring, Bro puts him down with a clothesline and that gets an 8 count. Stasiak hotshots him into the corner and puts the boots to GI Bro to take over and Bro takes an 8 count off that. They did an angle a couple of weeks back where Curt Hennig turned heel and helped Stasiak win a match, but then we never saw Curt again as far as I know. So I don’t really even know who Stasiak was supposed to be feuding with at this point. They fight up the ramp and Stasiak suplexes him on the ramp for another count. Stasiak with a flying clothesline in the ring for another count. It’s supposed to be a Last Man Standing type match but they’re just…doing moves to each other. Like Stasiak gets a suplex and that’s an 8 count. Back to the floor and they fight into the crowd now and it’s another count on the Bro. Back in the ring, Stasiak with a powerbomb and that’s another count. Stasiak with a sleeper and the crowd gives them a “boring” chant. THESE GUYS get 10 minutes plus to go out and exchange holds? THESE GUYS?!? Booker comes back with the Bookend to put Stasiak down for a count and he follows with a missile dropkick for another count. This brings Palumbo out to attack, but Booker takes him out, so Shawn goes low and it’s another count on Booker. The tag champs double-team Booker and beat him down, but he comes back with the spinarooni and takes out both guys, knocking out Shawn with the flexor to win at 13:52. So he just beat the tag champions single-handedly, which I’m assuming was never mentioned again and leads to nothing. *

Meanwhile, Kanyon reveals that Eric visited him in the hospital and promised to make him a star. So now he’s Positively Kanyon.

Shane Douglas v. The Wall

This Is not only a TABLES MATCH, but Shane ups the ante and challenges Wall to a match you have to break FIVE TABLES to win. So that would be more, I guess. Wall gets a press slam to start and he looks like a shorter Kurgan with his new goatee. Wall chokes him out on the ropes, but Shane puts him down with a high knee and follows with a front suplex. There has been a distinct lack of tables breaking in this best of nine tables match. To the floor and Wall bumps over a table and takes a pratfall, but that doesn’t count. Even with relaxed rules, we have STANDARDS in WCW! They fight on the other side and Wall chokeslams him through a table to go up 1 table to zero tables. Over to the next table and Wall suplexes him through another table to go up 2 tables to zero tables, as the announcers have now learned that it’s not best of 9 tables, it’s only best of 5 tables, so the next table for Wall wins. Shane goes low and Wall no-sells it and chases Shane, slowly, to the stage, where 3 tables are stacked up, which will allow Douglas to win with one move, you see. So they climb up a ladder and fight up there, but Wall falls off and breaks three tables, allowing Douglas to win THREE TABLES TO TWO TABLES at 8:00, the greatest comeback win in a best of 5 tables match we’ve ever seen or ever will see. DUD

I should note that I watched and reviewed this show live at the time and I literally do not remember ANY of this shit whatsoever. This might rank as the least memorable PPV card in history to be honest. I bet I can make all the same jokes again and no one will even notice!

Meanwhile, Hollywood Hogan pulls up in his car, and after all the bullshit on Nitro about his red-and-yellow never dying, he’s just not wearing red-and-yellow anymore.

Asylum match: Scott Steiner v. Tank Abbott & Rick Steiner

So yeah they add Rick Steiner to the match because Bischoff is EVIL. The heels beat Scott down and run him into the cage, but then Tank pulls out a chain and Rick doesn’t want Tank to use the chain for some reason. So Tank turns and hits Rick with it, and Scott puts Tank in the Recliner to win at 3:57. Also I think this was for the US title but I don’t know who would have been the champion if they had won. DUD

Hollywood Hogan v. Billy Kidman

If Hogan wins, he gets a title match next month, and if Kidman wins, Hogan retires. Hogan’s pre-match promo was particularly lame as obviously he’s getting bored of beating his personal jobber over and over. At least Hulk’s entrance finally wakes the crowd up. Hulk chases the skinny Kidman around the ring while Scott Hudson has to say, with a straight face, that this is the biggest challenge of Hogan’s career. They fight on the floor and Hulk runs him into the STEEL railing and back in the ring for some choking. Kidman with his own choking, but Hulk goes low and beats on Billy with the weight belt and they fight to the floor again. Hudson notes that Hogan “took the business from smoky bingo halls to places like the Baltimore arena”, somehow managing to spout WWF’s own propaganda on a WCW show. Back in the ring, Kidman with a DDT for two and a flying splash for two. Kidman and Horace argue with each other about Horace’s job as special referee, which allows Hogan to make the comeback. Corner clothesline sends Kidman to the floor again and they fight out there, where Hogan puts him through a table at ringside. This brings out Torrie, who had turned on Kidman on Nitro to go babyface, and she gives Hogan brass knuckles, but Kidman dropkicks Hulk into Torrie and gets the knuckles for two. But then Horace has had enough of Kidman and pulls him off Hulk, so Billy turns on Horace, and then Torrie goes low on Kidman and Hulk uses the knuckles on Kidman for the pin at 11:24 to get his title shot next month. I’m sure that’ll go fine. Just an awful, overbooked mess. *

Ric Flair v. David Flair

If Ric can’t overcome the awesome challenge of former US champion David Flair, he has to retire. David slugs away with forearms in the corner to start and Ric tries a Flair Flip and can’t even get over the ropes on the first try. They fight on the floor and back in, Ric beats on his son with chops and they head back to the floor again, but David takes over in the ring with the figure-four with help from Vince Russo, who has been notably absent from this shitshow of a PPV thus far. Reid Flair runs out of the front row and takes out Russo with a double-leg, prompting Russo to shove him down for the first real heat of the match, and meanwhile young Ashley Flair handcuffs Russo at ringside to leave him helpless. I bet she’s got a future in the business! Back in the ring, Ric with a delayed suplex, but David goes up and gets slammed off. Ric drops the knee on him and dedicates the figure-four to Reid, which makes David submit immediately at 10:00. Afterwards, Russo promises that Ric has chopped him for the last time, and promises to retire Ric tomorrow night on Nitro. Good thing they already had a cage match last week. This was a nice, normal decent match thanks to Ric. ***

Human Torch match: Sting v. Vampiro

Sting hijacks the torch and forces Vampiro to climb the Nitro-Tron to get it. But first they start in the ring and Sting gets a powerslam and beats on Vamp in the corner. Stinger splash misses and Vamp pours “gasoline” all over him and they quickly walk over to the entrance and fight up the grating. “It’s deathly silent in here” notes Madden. “I’m not sure anyone in the building wants to see this!” adds Tony as the SHOOT COMMENTS THAT AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE SHOOT COMMENTS stack on each other like a great run in a game of Solitaire. So Sting falls off the side and Tony think the match is over but then corrects himself while Vampiro continues climbing up the stage despite supposedly being deathly afraid of heights. But then the lights go out and Sting appears up there while the lights flicker and we get random storm noises like someone left a “Videos to help you sleep” video up on YouTube too long. So they’re just kind of fighting up there and no one can see shit as the announcers declare that it’s “insane and psychotic” and then “Sting” catches on fire and falls off the top and through the “stage”, giving Vampiro the win at 7:40. Also “Sting’s” terrible wig came off during the bump so they have to spray him with fire extinguishers to cover it up so you couldn’t tell it wasn’t the same guy. I had forgotten all of this, including the absolutely terrible “match” and eye-rolling finish. -****

So afterwards, after weeks of Madden putting over the excitement of someone getting burned to death, he turns around and they all do the Owen Voice for the “tragic” finish.

Meanwhile, a frustrated Bischoff declares that the big surprise is that there’s no big surprise. Well that’s surprising.

WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Kevin Nash

Kevin Nash desperately wants to win the World title back, two weeks after winning it and then turning around and just giving it to Ric Flair because he didn’t want the title. Terrifyingly, there’s still half an hour left in the show, so they’re going LONG. So first up, we get the Cat out before the match even starts, and he introduces the various Filthy Animals in roles as “guest bell ringer” and guest ring announcer and such, since Vince Russo literally has one joke that he keeps repeating over and over after it worked one time two years earlier. Nash wins the lockup battle, but he goes after the Animals and that allows JJ to slug away in the corner. The “sexecutioner” (BARF) hiptosses Jeff out of the corner and gives him the elbows, complete with the hair flip for extra impact, and Jarrett bails to the floor to escape this BEATING OF A LIFETIME. Nash takes a “bump” to the ringpost out there but then runs Jarrett into the railing and drops him on the announce table with Snake Eyes, which they should probably call Red Eyes at this point, and they fight into the crowd. Back to ringside, where some blond kid hits Nash in the knee with a chair and Jarrett takes over in the ring while Madden notes that Nash has had three major surgeries on his knee and it’s kind of a miracle he’s even walking, let alone wrestling for the World title. They’re so bad at this. You don’t even need to crack jokes about these announcers, just letting them talk is generating more material than I can even use. Back in the ring, Jarrett goes for the figure-four and Nash fights that off, so Jarrett goes back to working on the knee. Jarrett with a half-crab while Nash continues his tribute to Dusty Rhodes in Florida. Someone get this man a lemonade while he’s selling, he’s probably parched! Maybe a nice lawn chair to relax in while he’s in the figure-four. How can any match with 17 people at ringside to interfere be THIS BORING? Nash gets the ropes while Hudson clarifies that this is strategy and guts that seperates a green rookie from a veteran like Nash. Konnan hits Big Kev with the bell, and that gets two for Jarrett, but Nash makes the comeback with the sideslam for two. Nash takes out the Filthy Animals and knocks out Jarrett with the belt, but Disco takes out the ref to save and they all gang up on Nash while Cat takes over as referee. But then Big Sexy fights off 7 people by himself again before falling victim to the Stroke, which gets two. So then Nash makes another comeback and chokeslams Jarrett for two, but the Cat stops counting and Kev has to beat up all 7 people by himself again before taking down the straps to show he really means business now. Kevin with the POOCHIEBOMB but now Rick Steiner and Tank Abbott hit the ring to make it 9-on-1, which is almost becoming a threat to Big Sexy. And finally after 16:00 of this shitty match, Goldberg drives his monster truck into the arena and all the heels just stop the beatdown and watch him while he makes his entrance. And of course, he immediately spears Kevin Nash to turn heel and join the New Blood, and Jarrett gets the pin to retain at 17:24. *1/4 AND THERE WAS NOTHING VINCE MCMAHON COULD DO ABOUT IT. I think they got cold feet and backtracked this stupid idea after like a month, but the damage was done already.

Well we made it through another Russo PPV. So that’s a win. This, however, was another all time terrible show which at least is incredibly forgettable outside of the “shocking” surprise ending that everyone guessed in advance, so at least it doesn’t linger. It’s like someone farting in an elevator: Smelly and painful to be around for the short time you’re there, but immediately dissipating from memory.

Strong recommendation to avoid.