The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 12.30.96

Monday Night RAW

– Live from Albany, NY

– Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

Steve Austin & Faarooq v. Jesse Jammes & Savio Vega.

Thank god for Austin, who ambushes Jammes while he’s singing his shitty song in the aisle. Austin starts the match with Vega, quickly stun-gunning him off a rollup attempt and dropping an elbow. Over to Faarooq, who gets a spinebuster for two. He runs into a boot and Savio spinkicks him down for two. Austin comes in and stomps a mudhole, but Vega cradles him for two. Austin takes him down with a lariat for two. Austin charges and walks into a spinkick, and an enzuigiri allows the hot tag to Jammes. He slugs Austin down and gets a forearm to set up a bulldog, and that gets two. Austin thankfully smacks him down again, but Faarooq comes in and gets backdropped. Jammes charges and hits the floor, and Austin sneaks over and clips him, but Bret Hart joins us because he just hates it when people get screwed. Jesse Jammes is apparently horribly injured by that chop block and can’t continue, thus making him a lame-o babyface and a wuss, so Bret Hart takes his place. We take a break and return with Faarooq chinlocking Savio. Over to Austin and he’s all about that chinlock as well. Savio fights out and tries a splash, but hits knee and Austin responds with an elbowdrop for two. Back to Faarooq for a powerslam that gets two. Savio makes the comeback with an electric chair , and it’s hot tag to Bret. He’s wrestling in his jeans for a nice touch of realism. Atomic drop for Faarooq and russian legsweep sets up the elbow and Sharpshooter, but Crush runs in for the DQ. The Nation of Domination proceed to beating Bret and Savio down, but Ahmed Johnson makes the save.

(Bret Hart & Savio Vega d. Steve Austin & Faarooq, interference — DQ, 10:31, **) Bret didn’t really figure into this one much, and Savio’s heel turn has to be coming soon after this because he was part of the NOD by Thursday RAW Thursday in February. I don’t even know what the point of this tag match was, but at least it was more leisurely paced than the frenetic crap of Nitro.

Flash Funk v. Hunter Hearst Helmsley

Non-title match here. Funk attacks to start and backdrops him out of the corner, and a spinkick and standing moonsault get two. Funk works him over in the corner but whiffs on a bodypress attempt and lands on his face, and HHH clotheslines him and throws chops in the corner. He dumps Funk and it’s the FORMAL BOW OF DEATH, but Funk springs back in with a rollup for two. Neckbreaker gets two. Suplex, but he stops to yell at Goldust and Funk gets a bodypress for two. Back to offense for HHH, as he chokes Funk down (hey, at least he’s not just using the knee) and goes to a rear chinlock. We return from break with Funk escaping from an abdominal stretch, but hitting knee on a splash attempt. And now Hunter goes back to the moves we love, as a kneedrop gets two. Vertical suplex and diving fistdrop get two. He pounds away on the ropes and Funk makes the comeback, but Jerry Lawler suddenly grabs the mike and cuts a promo against Goldust in the stands. Funk goes up with a flying bodypress that gets two and goes up with a moonsault that gets two. Lawler keeps distracting the ref, which allows Hunter to grab the IC title and knock him out with it.

(HHH d. Flash Funk, beltshot — pin, 8:55, *1/2) Colossally dull match, as they just had no chemistry and HHH was still months away from being able to carry things alone.

– And now, things get interesting again, as it’s a face-to-face interview with Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart, back when they were still real life friends but sowing the seeds for their eventual feud in the newsletters. Shawn is all “Let the great Hitman go first!” and Bret complains that he used to respect Shawn until he posed in Playgirl, at which point it became apparent that the only ones who can’t see through his act are 14 year old girls. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? John Cena needs his Bret Hart, so that the disgruntled grown-ups who are sick of him can have someone to cheer. Shawn immediately starts firing the shoot comments, noting that “he’s seen Bret on the road, and he’s no role model.” Oh, LOW BLOW. Sid interrupts before the hair-pulling and crying can start, and then there’s Undertaker, and then there’s Vader, and a bunch of referees, and we’re done with this.

Goldust v. Jerry Lawler

We’ve got Honky Tonk Man and HHH on commentary for the total trainwreck. Lawler attacks and chokes Goldust out on the ropes, but Goldust comes right back with the same. Clothesline and fistdrop, but Lawler pounds away in the corner. HHH goes for the run-in already and hits on Marlena, opting for the direct approach by kidnapping her, but Marc Mero cuts him off. Goldust rushes out to save and gets counted out.

(Jerry Lawler d. Goldust, countout, 2:51, DUD) Just a setup for the HHH-Goldust stuff.

Oh, not a good week, kids, not a good week. But then these end-of-year shows rarely are. Next time: 1997! And soon, RAW will be WAR!