The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night Raw – 12.23.96

– So we’re a week away from Starrcade 96 on the WCW side of things, and in the middle of nowhere on the WWF side of things.

Monday Night RAW!

– Taped from wherever it was last week, as we’re on week 2 of the taping cycle.

Intercontinental title: Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Marc Mero

DQ and countout rules are waived here. Hey, cool, this is the first time they use “Ode To Joy” as HHH’s music, which was pretty much the perfect choice for him AND public domain, too! I think the use of bombastic classical music as wrestling entrance theme is a lost art these days, mainly because it’s easier to get Jim Johnston to write a nu-metal piece of crap than it is to actually find something that suits the person. Anyway, Mero attacks to start and slugs HHH out of the ring, then chases Jerry Lawler to the back for some reason. This gives Hunter a chance to jump him from behind and slam him on the floor. Back in the ring, HHH throws chops in the corner, but Mero responds with his own and follows with a corner clothesline. HHH tosses him to gain some time, but Mero slugs him down, so HHH tosses him again. He follows with a baseball slide and Mero meets the stairs. Vince and JR start talking about “Attitude” on commentary in another historic moment. Back in the ring, they do the pinfall reversal sequence off the backslide, but HHH clotheslines him and we take a break. Back with Hunter suplexing Mero and using the knee for two. Mero comes back with a flying headscissors and a kneelift. Missile dropkick gets two. Samoan drop and Mero goes up, but whiffs on the Merosault. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE finishes clean as a sheet.

(HHH d. Marc Mero, Pedigree — pin, 6:14, ***) Wow, that one shocked the hell out of me, because you didn’t see many heels going over strong like that, especially on TV, at that point. HHH throws out insults to Goldust, watching in the audience, to set up the next feud.

– Let us take you back to last week, as Billy Gunn’s paralysis was sadly only the temporary type.

– Sunny Claus joins us for commentary, replacing Jerry Lawler for the next match.

Rocky Maivia v. Salvatore Sincere

Rocky works the arm to start and hiptosses him out of the ring, but gets caught with a cheapshot. Rocky comes back with a forearm out of the corner and dropkicks him, but Sincere drops him with a sideslam to take over. Clothesline gets two. Sincere drops a fist as this thing just grinds to a halt. Russian legsweep gets two. Rocky fights back with his goofy punches and the Hurricane DDT, and that sets up the shoulderbreaker to finish.

(Rocky Maivia d. Salvatore Sincere, shoulderbreaker — pin, 5:47, *) No wonder there was such a backlash against him in the beginning — he sucked.

– Sid joins us for an interview, as JR suddenly starts heeling all over him on commentary and he’s all “Sid’s a cheat! He cheated Bret Hart! He cheated to win the title! I hope he dies, by gawd!” Which is weird because they had been portraying Sid as the somewhat virtuous babyface and Shawn Michaels as the embittered former champ up until then. Nothing of note said here.

Pierroth & Cybernetico v. The New Rockers

This is weird. Pierroth starts with Leif Cassidy (Al Snow) and dropkicks him down, and Cybernetico comes in with an armdrag and then powers Marty Jannetty down. Leif sneaks over with a cheapshot from the apron, and Jannetty drops a fist for two. The Rockers do some double-teaming and Cassidy stomps Cybernetico down and we take a break, and return with a sunset flip for two. Tags on both sides and Pierroth chops Marty down and powerbombs him for two. Cybernetico gets a weak tope on Cassidy and Pierroth gets a flying splash on Marty to finish.

(Pierroth & Cybernetico d. The New Rockers, Pierroth flying splash — pin Marty Jannetty, 3:51, 1/2*) Obviously this was two teams who had no idea what to do with each other and the results weren’t pretty.

– And now, Honky Tonk Man returns to the WWF after a six-year absence, using his theme from Piledriver as I’m continually confused by what music they will or won’t edit out. He joins the commentary team, with his goal being finding the next greatest Intercontinental champion of all time, and that led to all sorts of really bad stuff.

Bret Hart v. “Razor Ramon”

Lockup battle to start and Bret works the arm, and a bodyblock gets two. Bret takes him down again and goes back to the arm, but Ramon clubs him down and chokes him out on the ropes. Bret slugs away in the corner but gets stomped down by Ramon, and that gets two. Ramon whips him around the ring and chokes him out, really emphasizing why Scott Hall was a star and Rick Bogner never was. Bret bails, pretty clearly having one of his “I don’t care” nights, and they brawl for a bit outside as we take a break. Back with Bret dropping an elbow to set up a Sharpshooter, and Ramon quits.

(Bret Hart d. Razor Ramon, Sharpshooter — submission, 6:01, *1/2) That was like 5 seconds back from the break, which was weird timing for the finish. Bret wasn’t just phoning it in, he was sending a text message in.

– Backstage, Shawn gives us ATTITUDE and lips off Vince. Shawn notes that if he’s gonna get beat, he’ll get beat like a man. Or cry and give up the title, either way.