The SmarK Rant for NWA Worldwide – 03.08.86

The SmarK Rant for NWA Worldwide – 03.08.86

Originally written 03.20.26

Taped from somewhere in SC I’m assuming, I’m kind of losing track at this point.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & David Crockett

Magnum TA joins us to start, and he’s signed his name on the dotted line and he’s just waiting on the Kremlin to respond. Also he still has the old US title belt, even though I’m pretty sure the new one should have debuted by now.

The Midnight Express v. The Italian Stallion & Rocky Kernodle

This crowd is HOT. Rocky slugs Bobby down but misses a splash, and Bobby goes to work in the corner until Rocky fights him off with a missile dropkick that gets two. Over to Dennis, but the babyfaces work his arm in their corner and Stallion hiptosses him out of the corner and dropkicks him to the floor. WE GOT OURSELVES A MATCH! Back in the ring, Dennis takes the Stallion down and the MX double-teams him to get back on track and then it’s over to Rocky to get beat up while this molten crowd of teenaged girls chants for the Rock N Roll Express. Bobby takes Kernodle down and they beat on his arm, but Rocky fights them off and it’s back to the Stallion, who gets a hot tag and actually gets to run wild until he eats shit. And Condrey slams him to set up Bobby’s flying elbow to finish at 4:34. Yeah the Express clearly respected them because they got a ton of offense. Man you need to watch that Bobby elbow, though. Thing of beauty.

Jim Crockett joins Magnum and David, and he’s proud of TA for signing the deal, but those damn Russians haven’t actually returned a signed contract yet, despite the giant brawl they had on World Championship Wrestling this past week. In fact, he doesn’t even care about getting paid, he’ll beat on Russian ass for FREE! BECAUSE AMERICA!

Sam Houston v. Ben Alexander

Sam takes Alexander down with armdrags and a dropkick as the announcers relate the heated feud between Sam and Black Bart, selling out armories in the lower states near you! Sam works the arm and Alexander runs away, unable to deal with all the punishment being done to his arm, but Sam is like “NO! I WILL WORK YOUR ARM EVEN MORE NOW!” So Alexander slams him and drops an elbow for two, but he misses a blind charge and Sam WORKS THE ARM. He works it SO HARD! That arm didn’t even know what hit it! Ben runs him into the corner, but Sam comes off the ropes and hits a bulldog outta nowhere at 4:45 to finish. If you’re not spinning your finger in the air first, what are we even doing here?

Jim Cornette joins us and they’ve got the million dollars in the Crockett Cup pretty much sewn up already. Also it’s good thing Ricky has a cast on his hand “because it’s keeping his wrist straight.”

Leo Burke v. Rocky King

JJ Dillon joins us on commentary, noting that when you think of great wrestlers from Canada, you think of Angelo Mosca and Leo Burke! That is true, I can’t personally think of any others. Burke takes King down and works the leg, but Rocky fights back with a dropkick. But then he misses a charge and Burke puts him down with a neckbreaker and drops a knee for the pin at 2:20. My socks are firmly on my feet and not knocked off.

Dusty Rhodes joins us, and MOCKS Tully Blanchard because he’s still National champion and Tully has failed in his promise to win the title from him within the promised four weeks. Flair might have Space Mountain, but Baby Doll has the WHOLE PARK, and he comes in whenever he wants, any time, night or day.

Excuse me for one second while I take care of something in my bathroom…

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*BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEARGH!*

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Oh god, I just had McDonalds for supper too, why did I watch this show after eating that?

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*VOMITS EVEN MORE UNCONTROLLABLY*

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Oh god when did I have corn?

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OK I think I’m able to watch the rest of this now.

Jimmy Garvin v. Mark Fleming

Jimmy hits him with a clothesline and drops him on the top rope, not even bothering to rip off his pants, and finishes with the brainbuster at 0:34. It’s amazing that Garvin had all this charisma to spare at this point, but three years later he was shot and phoning in his half of the Freebirds team.

Ric Flair joins us, styling and/or profiling. He also wants to clarify that he doesn’t call himself Space Mountain, it’s the GIRLS who do that. “As far as Baby Doll being the only one like her, THANK GOD!” Savage. He doesn’t like guys running around with scarves and “dippity doo in their hair” getting chased around by teeny boppers in training bras. That seems like a pretty pointed comment.

The Rock N Roll Express v. Tony Zane & David Dillinger

Double dropkick finishes David at 0:45. The teeny boppers in training bras are very approving of this match.

Gorgeous Jimmy Garvin joins us to complain about how everyone smells on this show. Except himself. Also he wants to know Wahoo is hiding from him. Maybe he’s up in the Smoky Mountains making little wooden Indians for his mama? Huge if true. Maybe he’s hiding under some squaw’s skirt somewhere? Further investigation needed. Garvin was hilarious, of course.

Jimmy Valiant v. George South

You know how this one goes.

Of minor note, they do a drop-in promo for a house show in Virginia, and Magnum TA now has the brand new and totally awesome US title belt that debuted around this time.

Tully Blanchard joins us, and David Crockett is GLEEFUL telling him off about breaking his promise to win the National title in four weeks. JJ Dillon clarifies that it was actually SIX WEEKS, and he only said four weeks because he’s such a positive thinker and no agreement was ever made for four weeks. So they’ve got another two weeks. Oddly enough, there was no mention of this storyline over on World Championship Wrestling at the time and it basically existed only on this show and Mid-Atlantic TV.

Arn Anderson v Patrick Tanaka

Tanaka gets some kicks on Arn, but Arn hits him with a knee to the gut and puts the boots to him on the ropes. Arn drops a knee on him for two. Gourdbuster finishes at 3:50.

Ric Flair joins us again because he’s got very important news to deliver: He’s the greatest. Also Tully is the greatest. So is Arn. So David needs to stop slandering Tully over this four weeks thing! So Arn joins him and they show off their belts, because they’re not second best losers like Dusty Rhodes or the New England Patriots. And although he’s Space Mountain, the girls call Ricky Morton “Ride the Wild Mouse”. I don’t believe that’s actually a true statement.

No Paul Jones this week? I’ll take it.