The SmarK Rant for ECW When Worlds Collide – 05.14.94

From May of 1994.

Tommy Dreamer v. The Rockin’ Rebel
Joey sells Tommy as having earned the respect of the ECW fans and shedding his “pretty boy” image, but really he didn’t until Sandman caned him to within an inch of his life. I mean, shit, how can anyone ever have considered Tommy “Poster Boy For Wearing Shirts” Dreamer as a pretty boy? Dreamer pulls out a Liger-esque (well, a fat lazy Liger) rolling kick to start. Dreamer actually seems to have it in high gear for this. Oops, spoke too soon, a-resting we go. Crowd chants “You both suck” while Joey talks about how popular Dreamer is with the ECW crowd. For those who don’t know, Dreamer used to be about as popular as Rocky Maivia…wait, that’s a bad example. Umm…let’s go with Erik Watts. Joey is obviously still learning his craft at this point. Rebel tries a belly-to-back, but Tommy’s ass is too fat, so Dreamer falls on top for two. Dreamer gets a leaping DDT and goes for a Superfly splash (which Joey misses — Dreamer got killed by Jimmy Snuka at the Night The Line Was Crossed) but misses and Rebel takes over. Dreamer hits a fat-assed Thesz press for the pin. That looked really bad. Decent match otherwise. 1 for 1.

ECW World TV title match: Mikey Whipwreck v. 911
Do you THINK there’ll be a screwjob ending here? DO YA THINK? Great visual as the TV belt literally hangs off Mikey. This whole storyline was pretty great, actually, with Mikey getting the TV title on a fluke and then having every monster heel in the promotion tossed at him, only to keep the title by DQ every time. The skits in between with the Public Enemy offering Mikey condolence cards on his upcoming death were priceless. So here’s the match: 911 chokeslams Mikey, but doesn’t pin him. Another chokeslam, and again he doesn’t cover. Mikey is dead. I think he might literally be dead. Another chokeslam, but referee Pee Wee Moore gets in the way, so 911 chokeslams him too, and that’s a DQ. Mikey keeps the title. Pee Wee takes a wicked chokeslam. Another chokeslam for Pee Wee and Paul E administers last rites. Joey: “Wait a minute…HE’S JEWISH! What does he know about last rites?” Funny, funny stuff. 2 for 2. This would mark one of the very, very few DQs ever in ECW.

Kevin Sullivan v. Jimmy Snuka
Nancy the whore is with Kevin. Snuka has his Captain Caveman outfit on tonight. They brawl into the crowd right away, with Sullivan blatantly smashing the ringbell hammer into Snuka’s nuts. That was…unpleasant. Fans donate a crutch and a frying pan for Kevin. Kevin controls with some ultra-weak chops, but the Sandman wanders out and takes Woman to the back. Woman & Sandman? It’ll never last. Hunter Q. Robbins trips Sullivan and Snuka pins him. Bleh. 2 for 3. Sullivan smashes the crutch into Robbins’s crotch a few times and pantses him. What is with Sullivan and other guy’s crotches? Geez, Kevin, see a therapist or something.

Sandman & Woman v. Tommy Cairo & Peaches
Okay, I gotta say that Sandman using Billy Joel’s “Big Shot” just doesn’t work. The loser gets caned here. Cairo destroys Sandman to start in impressive fashion. I’m surprised this guy didn’t get picked up at some point by the Big Two. Sandman was slowly morphing from beach bum to, well, The Sandman by this point. Short match as Cairo destroys Sandman until the inevitable catfight breaks out. Cairo drags Woman off and Peaches covers Sandman for the pin. And then Cairo…pulls down Sandman’s pants. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY EEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!! I’M BLIND! I’M BLIND! ALL I CAN SEE IS HORRIBLE VISIONS OF JIM FULLINGTON’S ASS! STOP THE BURNING!… Okay, I’m better now. Sandman gets the cane and whacks Cairo, then Woman does the honors on Peaches. This pretty much defined Sandman’s character, as he brought the cane with him from then on. 2 for 4.

The Tazmaniac v. Pitbull #1
Pee Wee Moore returns to reffing duty. No, hold on a sec.

911 v. Pee Wee Moore
Splat.

The Tazmaniac v. Pitbull #1
Okay, now John Finnegan gets the reffing job. The Tazmaniac is of course better known as “That no-selling talentless piece of shit” today. And speaking of Captain Caveman…it’s the Tazmaniac’s old outfit. A bit of brawling and then Pitbull goes to work with devastating restholds, prompting the crowd to chant “Mikey” in order to mock him. Joey notes that Taz doesn’t speak English — I guess “fuck you, you piece of shit” is a foreign language. Either that or he’s a real fast learner. Zen and I make “Secrets of Pro Wrestling” jokes about Gary Wolfe to pass the time during this excrutiatingly bad match. Tazmaniac does some suplexes to come back, but a greco-roman chain to the head gets the pin for the Pitbull. Yay. 2 for 5.

Elimination match: Shane Douglas, Mr. Hughes & The Public Enema v. J.T. Smith & The Bruise Brothers
Shane throws out an open challenge to Ric Flair. Some things never change. Hawk was supposed to be on the latter team, but he was injured so it’s 4 on 3. One of the Bruise brothers gets ganged up on by the heels for an extended period of time. And, uh, that’s about all that happens for the first 10 minutes. Probably the only time you’ll ever see TPE on the mat working a legbar. That, by the way, is by far not a good thing. Crowd is wholly uninterested in this thing. The other Harris makes the tag and kicks the shit out of Douglas. I was infinitely relieved when Public Enema started doing the psychotic brawls with Cactus Jack in 1994, thus eliminating the need for them to ever attempt to wrestle again. JT Smith tags in and the heels go to work on *his* knee and the crowd is even less impressed. And this thing gets like 25 minutes! A Bruise brother gets the hot tag and cleans house, but makes the STUPID mistake of tagging the severely injured Smith back into the match, who is double-teamed by the Public Enema. Meanwhile, Douglas, Hughes and the Brothers Bruise are all counted out. So it’s 2-on-1 with JT against TPE. They continue beating on JT’s knee. Long figure-four from Rocco. Due to heel miscommunication, however, Smith gets a pair of cheap rollups to be the sole survivor. NEXT! 2 for 6.

Sabu & Bobby Eaton v. Terry Funk & Arn Anderson
Sabu and Funk start. Bit of a mess which ends with Funk getting slammed through the timekeeper’s table. Bobby Eaton’s green and pink tights make me fear for my picture tube’s continued health. Sabu gets a couple of chairshots in as Funk twitches. Arn tags in and indicates his desire to go after Bobby, getting the crowd excited. Joey makes a crack about Bobby’s partner at the time — Steve Keirn — making a Doink joke, which takes us a couple of minutes to piece together because it’s so obscure, given how many partners Eaton’s had and how many people have played Doink. Funk and Sabu have an interesting segment, including a Funk powerbomb (!). Joey: “They went down faster than the [buyrate] for a WCW pay per view!” Oooooo, that’s just mean. Big brawl breaks out as Arn goes to town with a chair on both Eaton and Sabu. Back in the ring and Sabu hits a moonsault on Arn, but doesn’t cover. Eaton comes in for the Alabama Jam, which gets two. Sabu slingshots in with a senton and a moonsault for 2.99999. Arn comes back with a pair of DDTs as Funk and Eaton battle to the announce position. Arn hits a third DDT on Sabu as Funk piledrives Eaton on the announce table. Arn with the spinebuster, and now the Public Enema are attacking Funk. Arn fights them away with a chair. Funk and Sabu go at it again in the ring, and Funk blades his own knee for effect. Arn comes in to help, but Funk accidentally nails him with a chair. Uh oh, that’s not a good idea, Terry. Sure enough, Arn tosses Sabu out of the ring and proceeds to dismantle his own partner with the chair, allowing Sabu to put a half-crab on Funk for the submission. 3 for 7.

Paul E. gives a great ranting and raving interview about the Funk brothers to end.

The Bottom Line: Pretty decent introduction to ECW overall. Nothing terribly offensive, so I’ll go with a mild recommendation.