The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video Presents World Tour 91

– Stuff from London and Tokyo.

– Opening match: The Rockers v. The Orient Express.

And this is the *good* Express — Kato and Tanaka. Fuji decks Jannetty before the match begins, so the Rockers return to the dressing room and bring out…Andre! Poor guy could barely walk by this time and here he’s in their corner. Shawn and Kato (Paul Diamond) start. The huge London crowd is just totally dead. Rockers double-team sequence livens things up a bit, although everyone looks a little off-kilter. Jet lag? The Rockers were an interesting team by this point: They were a few months away from breaking up and this was the twilight of the team, but it was only now that they had advanced past the whipping boy image they were saddled with 1988-90. They no longer had to oversell every little move because they weren’t stuck in there with huge teams anymore. And the individual talent of Shawn Michaels was becoming distinctly noticeable. Shawn and Marty are just going through the motions here. They do the double-team armbars and play to the crowd, but now they seem to think that it’s all beneath them. Of course, for Shawn that much is true but maybe if Marty hadn’t dogged it for the remainder of his career he’d be more than a low-card jobber for WCW today. The Rockers control Kato with armbars (looking bored the whole time) until the inevitable cheating allows the Orient Express to work on Shawn. Yeah, this is being mailed in all around. Tanaka with a devastating chinlock on Shawn while Vince and Roddy Piper scream about the hot action in the ring. Marty argues tags with Hebner which allows more shenanigans from the Express. You know, the Rockers were great but I think it’s best they split when they did so they didn’t end up becoming like the Steiners or the Nasty Boys or any of a million other teams who just held on too long. There’s just zero wrestling going on here, which is sad for a matchup that broke **** at Rumble 91. Shawn double-clotheslines the Express and makes the hot tag. Slams flow like water. Fuji hooks Marty’s leg, drawing the wrath of the Giant. Andre pops Kato with the cane and the Rockers hit the double fistdrop for the pin. The end was almost near and it showed. 0 for 1. This was the one match on the back of the box that looked promising, so you may want to turn back now…

– The Warlord v. Jim Neidhart.

The Warlord is currently known as “Goldberg”. Yeah, yeah, I’m kidding, but the skill level is about the same. Shoving match to start. Long headlock spot from Neidhart. Shoulderblock contest. I yearn for death right about now. Warlord bails and wanders around for a while. Test of strength…well, I’d say we have every cheesy heat-drawing method, but neither guy has hair to pull. Back to the headlock. Reverse atomic drop to escape and now Neidhart bails. Warlord hammers on him in the ring and moves…very …slowly between blows. Lame looking bearhug to break down my sleep resistance even further. Anvil actually manages to climb up the Warlord and over for a sunset flip, but Warlord clobbers him. I’ve never seen that escape from a bearhug before. More weak shots and Warlord uses a backslide for two. An exciting chinlock. I’m literally falling asleep here.

[Note: At this point I take a two-day break before returning to this match well-rested]

Okay, we’re back and this match is still going on two days later. Oh, wait, I hit stop in between. Silly me. They trade blows for a year or two longer and then Anvil rolls up Warlord out of nowhere for the pin. 0 for 2.

– Fan Favorite match: Randy Savage v. Rick Martel.

This is two days after Savage’s retirement match at Wrestlemania VII, as Savage is fulfilling his contractual obligations. The newly reunited Liz is with him and looking very do-able, I might add. They play this up as the last Savage match we’ll ever see, although he would go on to win the WWF title one more time and the WCW title three times just to spite them. Savage dominates immediately with an axehandle from the top, but when he goes for it on the outside Martel moves and Savage crashes on his knee. Martel hammers on him a bit, allowing stall time as Savage plays injured and Martel gloats. They do this two or three times and then Martel starts hitting on Liz. Savage decks him from behind and goes nuts on him, ramming him into the post, but getting caught with a knee after tossing Martel back in. They fight outside the ring again and Martel tosses him in, then chokes him. Martel is so off tonight it’s scary. Small package for two by Savage. Quick shot from Martel and he gets two. More choking by Martel. Crowd is dead. I find it sad that Martel completely wasted the biggest push of his career (1989-1991ish) with crap matches like this. It’s no wonder he was jobbing to Tatanka by the end of his run. A cross body misses and Savage snap suplexes for two. Atomic drop and weak clothesline sends Martel to the floor again, and Savage follows and piledrives him on the floor! Martel is dead, and Savage tosses him back in and finishes it with the academic elbow and pin. Martel is pushing up daisies in the ring, totally putting Savage over. I’m seriously tempted to give it a point for that ending alone, but the rest was junk. 0 for 3.

– Etiquette with Lord Alfred Hayes. Oh, god, Sherri and Lombardi are with him. I can smell the non-humor coming a mile away. Sherri is filing her toenails and Lombardi is shooting spitballs at the camera. It goes downhill from there as Sherri and Steve make pigs of themselves.

– Ted Dibiase v. Roddy Piper.

This is also from the post-WM7 period, after Piper got involved on Virgil’s behalf. Piper fakes a limp on the way in and then blitzes Dibiase right away. The eye poke gets worked in about 12 seconds in. Sherri runs in and jumps on Piper’s back to slow him down, so he kisses her. Slugfest and Sherri grabs Piper’s leg, allowing Dibiase to gain the advantage. A whip and head down puts Piper down, but he’s up quick. Sherri is on the apron and Piper rams them together for a two count, but misses a charge to the corner and Dibiase gets control. He hangs Piper upside-down and pounds the knee, then Sherri distracts the ref and allows Dibiase to ram Piper’s stolen crutch into his knee. Dibiase viciously works on the knee (which was injured in a legit motorcycle accident), slamming it repeatedly into the mat. Dibiase unwraps the bandages and then posts Piper. Dibiase stomps away at the knee, adding a rolling leg snap. He tries a figure-four but Piper kicks him off. Dibiase to the second rope but catches a fist on the way down as usual. More Sherri interference allows the crutch to be used again, but Piper grabs it and rams it into Dibiase’s knee. Now Piper mirror’s Dibiase’s tactics, which the announcers actually note. Piper applies a spinning toehold, but Sherri comes in again. Piper monkey flips her and cleans house with the crutch, but the ref tries to grab it, and Piper bops him for the DQ. Good psychology but the match didn’t go anywhere. 0 for 4.

– Back to the dinner table as Sherri and Steve gag Hayes with their napkins and proceed to eating. The inevitable food fight ensues.

– Jake Roberts v. Earthquake.

I thought this was supposed to be World Tour? Only the first two matches have been outside of the US. Jake was primed for his heel turn and Earthquake was going nowhere, so I’m not sure who should win. Quake attacks to start, but Jake wrestles the same match as with every other fat lunk he fought from 1987-1991…work on the arm, stick and move, jab and run. Jake tries a shoulderblock (uh, that’s smart) and of course gets bowled over. Headlock and another shoulderblock try and again he goes down. Must have been booze night for Jake. Earthquake goes under the ring after the snake and Jake attacks from behind. Kneelift back in the ring, and the short clothesline. Jake goes for the DDT but Quake runs him into the corner. Elbowdrop on the leg. And again, although there was about a minute in between where Quake just wandered around the ring. More standing around and taunting from Quake. Another elbow and he puts Jake in a weak-looking leglock. Stomp on the knee. A whip but Jake’s knee gives way. Big fat elbow and Quake goes for the BUTT SPLASH OF DOOM! But Jake rolls out. Quake rolls out and grabs the snake. He gets it ready for the BUTT SPLASH OF DEATH! but Jake trips him from outside, then opens the bag and lets Lucifer free, causing a DQ. Oh, yay. 0 for 5. Poor Jimmy Hart almost gets acquainted with the snake but runs just in time.

– Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Shawn Michaels.

WHOA! Where did this come from? Shawn was still a Rocker here, of course. Go behind by Michaels and a stiff elbow from Hennig to break. Hammerlock by Hennig and Michaels uses a stiff european uppercut to break, which Hennig totally oversells of course. So they do a quick sparring session, which Shawn wins easily. Hennig bails. So Shawn follows with a MOTHERFUCKING TOPE CON HILO FROM THE CENTER OF THE RING, OVER THE RINGPOST, TO THE AISLE! AND HE MISSES!!! HOLY SHIT!!!! He gets up, charges Hennig, and gets dumped throat-first on the railing. Back in the ring and Hennig hits a standing dropkick for two. Chops in the corner (whoo). Chops by Michaels (whoo), but Hennig reverses and Shawn does a Flair Flip and gets clotheslined on the apron. Hennig continues the assualt with more stiff shots and a kneelift sends Michaels to the floor. Michaels is selling like a god. Neck snap. Kneelift attempt but Michaels holds the rope to block. Sleeper by Hennig but Michaels fights out. Jannetty manages to interfere while Shawn distracts the ref. Bobby Heenan comes out to protest, allowing Hennig the chance to run Jannetty into the ringpost. Back in the ring and Michaels slides under a cross-corner charge, and posts Hennig. He kicks Hennig in the knee a few times, inverted and regular atomic drop in one sequence for a 2 and 3/4 count. Superkick for two. Crowd is getting hot. Whip, reverse and Shawn with the neckbreaker. To the top and Heenan jumps on the apron. Michaels jumps down and goes after him, allowing Hennig to jump him and hit the Perfectplex, but Big Bossman (arch enemy of Hennig at the time) runs in to break it up for the DQ. FUCK! Easy point. 1 for 6. I should really do a comp tape with all the token Shawn matches on Coliseum video.

– Shopping with the Million Dollar Man. Use your imagination.

– From Tokyo: Jim Duggan v. Kendo Nagasaki.

Who thought of this one? They trade rights and Duggan gets him in the corner and stomps away. Headlock, more kicks, and Kendo gets dumped over the top. Bit of a brawl outside the ring. Back in, and Duggan clotheslines him out on the floor again. This match is horrible. Back in the ring again and Duggan eats knee on a cross-corner charge…and gets pinned! What the hell happened there? Duggan takes out his frustrations with the 2×4. 1 for 7.

– Back to the US again.

– Hulk Hogan & Ultimate Warrior v. Sgt. Slaughter, Gen. Adnan & The
Undertaker.

Oh, this should be good. Not. Alfred Hayes is playing heel announcer. Hogan jumps Slaughter before the bell and Warrior helps. Hogan shoves his bandana into his mouth and pokes Adnan in the eyes. What a sportsman. Double-team on Sarge and double-boot. Warrior nails Adnan and UT off the apron. CLOTHESLINE OF DEATH! Sarge is getting his butt kicked. Oh, wait, Slaughter gets Hogan in the corner and now Hulk’s in trouble. UT beats on Hulk on the outside. Choke inside. Choke, choke, choke. Hulk gets run into Sarge’s elbow. Hulk reverses a cross-corner whip and Sarge goes flying over the top. UT in with an elbow to stop Hulk. Adnan in with some weak kicks and a choke. Sadly, this would headline Summerslam 91 (with a slight alteration). Sarge’s clothesline misses and Hulk gets the hot tag to Warrior. Stomps in the corner and a cross-corner whip/backdrop. Warrior cleans house and gets poked in the eye. UT in and nails the flying clothesline. Choke, choke, choke. Choke in the corner. Double-team choke. When HULK HOGAN is carrying a match it’s time to pack it in. False tag to Hogan. More double-teaming in the corner. Sarge slams Warrior and goes to the top but misses badly. Hot tag to Hogan, clothesline, shots for everyone. Big boot, rollup for two. One shot to the eyes and suddenly Hulk is dead again. What an idiot. Sarge stomps a few times and applies the CAMEL CLUTCH OF DEATH! Warrior comes in and chases UT off, allowing Hulk to be double-teamed, but I sense a hulking up. Warrior and UT fight back to the dressing room as a double team on Hogan backfires and Adnan gets pinned by Hogan. Horrible match. 1 for 8.

The Bottom Line: Don’t bother.