The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video Presents US Rampage 91

– Hosted by Sean Mooney, on a golf course with Bobby Heenan and Mean Gene. Funny line from Gene as he tells Sean that Heenan is his handicap.

– Intercontinental title match: Mr. Perfect v. British Bulldog.

Perfect is managed by Coach Tolos at this point, putting this halfway into 1991 and just before his loss to Bret Hart at Summerslam. It also means that both wrestlers and the manager are no longer with us. It always bums me out when that crops up on a video less than 20 years old. Perfect bumps like a pinball to show how powerful Bulldog is. We hammer that point home as Bulldog wants a test of strength, but Perfect claims a shoulder injury and begs off. However, the inevitable claims of chickenhood from Bulldog cause Perfect to give it a go, and soon he’s screaming in pain on the mat. Man, they never learn. Bulldog gets a crucifix for two, but Perfect gets a sunset flip for two which sets up a rather sad little pinfall reversal sequence that goes nowhere. The grossly roided look of both guys here is pretty unpleasant to look at considering how their lives ended up. In particular Bulldog looks slow and bloated, especially compared to his later great matches with Bret Hart in the 90s. Perfect slugs him down and gets a Boston Crab, but Bulldog can barely bend enough to sell the move, and Perfect breaks. He follows with the standing dropkick, always a highlight, but Bret Hart makes a somewhat surprising appearance to chase off Coach Tolos and prevent interference. Back into the ring, Perfect gets the rolling necksnap for two. He follows with the sleeper in typically melodramatic fashion, but Bulldog of course powers out. Bulldog comes back and military presses him onto the top rope for some blatant crotch-attacking action, and the ref is bumped. Bulldog of course gets the winning pinfall while the ref is out, so Bret Hart counts the pin himself. Well, that’s just silly. Perfect decides to attack Bret and the ref wakes up and it’s a DQ win for Perfect at 9:41. Oh man, Hebner screwed Bret! This was all completely paint-by-numbers and stuff, but both guys are pros. 1 for 1.

– Kerry Von Erich v. The Warlord.

Another dead wrestler alert. And although Warlord is still alive, I’ll remember him less for his in-ring career than for a story about how he got run over by a pizza truck years after his retirement and tried to sue for loss of income. We get the dramatic posedown to start and yes, Warlord wants the test of strength. DON’T TRUST HIM, TORNADO! By the way, as if the matchup itself wasn’t the definition of eye-rolling stupidity, Jim freakin’ Neidhart is on color commentary. Kerry fires off a discus punch, but Warlord won’t go down and comes back with a bearhug. Heenan firing off smartass comebacks to all of Neidhart’s barbs is the most entertaining thing by a longshot here. With his dreaded bearhug having failed, to the shock of me especially, Warlord opts to batter Kerry out of the ring and pose some more. Oooh, airtight plan there, Einstein. The action goes to the floor in HARDCORE manner, as Warlord rams him into the post and poses some more. Am I playing No Mercy here or something? Kerry then manages to one-up Warlord by doing the worst sunset flip in recorded history on his way back into the ring, and it’s so bad that Warlord won’t even sell it. Consider that — Von Erich botched a move so badly that even WARLORD was offended on a professional level. Kerry tries a slam and Warlord’s moustache adds too much weight, resulting in him falling on top for two. Warlord tries to finish things with a big splash that gets all of 6 inches of airtime, but misses. Kerry comes back with the discus punch, knocking him out cold using the same laws of physics that dictate Popeye’s punches hurt more when he winds up his arm, but it only gets two. Gotta protect Warlord. You just GOTTA. They brawl outside for the double-countout at 9:22. If the rematch isn’t on this tape, I’m gonna be pissed. I’d subtract a point if I could, but then future Kevin Nash matches might skew these things into the negatives, so let’s just move on. 1 for 2.

– Paul Roma v. Animal.

This appears to be the from same MSG show as the previous match, which makes it a show I wouldn’t want to be at. Roma tries slugging away to start, but leapfrogs into an atomic drop and headbutt to the groin. Animal tries the pummel in the corner, but Roma dumps him to the floor in a surprisingly good bump by Animal’s standards. Hercules adds a cheapshot and Roma takes over back in the ring. Roma gets his one good move — the dropkick — and adds a backbreaker. A chop from the top rope fails to put Animal down, however, as he arbitrarily starts fighting back and gets a backdrop suplex. Roma hits him with a piledriver for two, and Animal makes the comeback. Hey, that’s Hawk’s gig! They do a bunch of irish whip reversals and the ref is toast, at which point you’d think Hercules would run in and go to work. But no, he waits until the ref is up again, like a moron, and the double-teaming backfires, allowing Animal to powerslam Roma for the pin at 4:57. Singles matches are not Animal’s thing, to say the least. 1 for 3.

– Mean Gene tries to teach Bobby Heenan some golf tips. The usual groaners follow.

– The Rockers & Big Bossman v. The Nasty Boys & The Mountie.

The Rockers were peaking as a team at this point, despite being ready to break up, so this should be good. Mountie starts for the heels, so Shawn Michaels casually tags out to Bossman in a funny spot. So Mountie runs away and Bossman has to settle for pounding on Sags to start. Powerslam follows, but a big splash hits knee and now Mountie comes in. However, Bossman was playing the proverbial possum and and a six-man donnybrook quickly follows as the heels run away. Back in Knobbs catches a kick from Bossman, but eats an enzuigiri. Jannetty comes in and cleans house on the heels, and a rollup on Knobbs gets two. Shawn tags in with the superkick and follows with a clothesline, and Bossman comes in for the headlock before falling victim to the cheapshot from the apron. Bossman gets pinballed between Sags and the Mountie, as they work him over. Knobbs drops an elbow for two. Mountie, however, stops to let us know that he is, indeed, the Mountie, and Bossman slugs him down and makes the hot tag to Michaels. Knobbs eats another superkick and it’s another donnybrook, with a three-way collision from the heels. Knobbs calls for the helmet, but Shawn neatly intercepts it and KO’s him. Mountie adds a shot from the shock stick, but Jannetty gets his partner out of there and switches in for the winning pin at 10:08. Finish was a bit of a mess, but it was all in good fun. 2 for 4.

– Ricky Steamboat v. Smash.

Last hurrah for both guys, as Steamboat was doing the stupid fire-breathing gimmick before bailing for WCW in the fall, while Smash would get repackaged a million times, starting with his new character as the Repo Man around the same time as Steamboat left. Smash starts working on the arm to start, but Steamer reverses and does the same. Smash charges and gets dumped, and Steamboat goes back to the arm again when he’s back in. Then an embarassing moment as a fan, as live camera angles show Steamboat throwing “chops” that literally stop 6 inches short of Smash’s head. Smash comes back with an atomic drop and drops him on the top rope, then takes him down with a choke. He came really close to inventing the chokeslam there. And we hit the chinlock. Backbreaker and Smash goes back to the chinlock again. Dragon fights up, so Smash grabs a sleeper. Oh lord. Dragon fights out again and they brawl outside, so Smash suplexes him back in for two. This thing just keeps going. Smash misses a blind charge and Steamboat finally comes back, finishing with the high cross at 10:13. No wonder he left. 2 for 5.

– Jake Roberts v. The Barbarian.

I guess they gave Warlord 10 minutes to sap the life out of this tape, so Barbarian demanded equal time. Jake works over the arm to start and tries the DDT quickly, but Barbarian bails out and gets advice from Bobby Heenan. Apparently, running away is the key. That’s why he’s the Brain. Jake tries the DDT again, but this time Barbarian counters out and whips him into the corner. I guess that passes for the turning point in this match, as Barbarian slowly hammers away on him. Blind charge hits knee, however, and then Barbarian blocks the short clothesline with a nice high kick. It gets a quarter point just for that. DDT knocks him senseless, but Earthquake runs in and draws Jake out for the countout at 7:19. Zzzzzzz. 2 for 6.

– Haku v. Greg Valentine.

This is a COLISEUM EXCLUSIVE, and for good reason — no one else wanted to see it. This is Valentine’s inexplicable face run after Wrestlemania VII. They fight over a headlock to start and Valentine gets an atomic drop and elbows him out of the ring. Back in they trade some chops and Valentine goes down, allowing Haku to take over with a backbreaker. That gets two. Roddy Piper actually does some analysis that makes sense, explaining the advantages to wrestling barefoot to an incredulous Vince. We hit the chinlock in the meantime. Greg powers out and runs into a superkick from Haku, and he’s back down again. Back to the chinlock again. Hammer is back up, so Haku goes to the back again and follows with a backdrop suplex for two. Valentine comes back and rams Haku into the turnbuckles, which poses an interesting question as to whether or not a babyface comeback can overcome a samoan head. In this case, it does. They get into an exchange of chops, however, and Haku goes down again and Greg headbutts him low to set up the figure-four. Haku blocks that with a poke to the eyes, but Valentine drops the Hammer and tries it again. This time a kick to the corner breaks it up, but Valentine keeps coming with a sunset flip that finishes things at 8:41. Wow, didn’t see that coming. Both guys were game, so I’ll be lenient. 3 for 7.

– Power & Glory v. The Orient Express.

Well this is a matchup you didn’t see every day, to say the least. This was the superior Kato/Tanaka version of the Express, although both teams were heels so I can’t see this not dying a horrible death. Hercules starts with Kato (Paul Diamond under a mask) and shows off his power, but misses an elbow, allowing the Orients to work him over in the corner. Tanaka stalls too long and gets press-slammed for his troubles, and that gets two. The Express look to be the babyfaces tonight. Roma comes in and slugs away on Tanaka, but eats a superkick, so he comes back with a clothesline that Tanaka sells in Jannetty-like fashion. Roma heads up with a flying elbow for two, but Kato breaks it up. Kato comes back in with a flying elbow and he drops another one for two. Chinlock time as they seem to be having trouble settling into a heel-face groove…until Mr Fuji trips up Roma and the double-teaming begins. OK, we definitely have our babyface side now. The Express uses the double-team chops on Roma in the corner and hit what would come to be known as the Broken Arrow in recent years, for two. Roma leaps over a double-clothesline in a weird spot and makes the hot tag to Herc, although the crowd isn’t really into it. Roma gets his dropkick for two, but Kato comes back with a sunset flip on Hercules for two. And now Slick evens up the interference, pulling down the top rope to draw Fuji’s wrath, and soon enough it’s a double-countout at 8:28. This just never got going. 3 for 8.

– At Home With Paul Bearer. I’ll spare you this.

– The Undertaker v. Ultimate Warrior.

This would be our main event for the tape, and the “Here comes…” ring announcing would place this in Maple Leaf Gardens in Toronto. This was of course nearing the end of Warrior’s initial run in the WWF, as he lost a series of bodybag matches to Undertaker and then wigged out after Summerslam 91 and left. Warrior as usual charges in and attacks, slugging away in the corner and following with a corner clothesline. Undertaker moves away from a second one, so Warrior just funnels his momentum into a clothesline over the top instead. He tries to haul UT back in, but gets necksnapped for his troubles. Taker smothers him with the choke, as they just stand there doing nothing for like 2 minutes. As much grief as I give Undertaker these days, at least he knows how to work now. I mean, seriously, they just STAND THERE doing this chokehold thing with nothing going on. Warrior fights out and makes the comeback, hopefully ending this thing quickly, but Taker hammers him down again. Taker gets the flying clothesline, but Warrior does the delayed sell to draw a face pop. Taker misses the elbow, as usual, and Warrior shakes the ropes and makes the comeback. Clothesline, clothesline, clothesline, but he walks into the tombstone. Taker only gets two, which would be unthinkable today, so Taker uses the urn and draws the DQ at 7:47. 3 for 9.

The Bottom Line: Well, a 1/3 record isn’t bad, all things considered. Nothing to go out of your way for, however.