The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video Presents Paul Bearer’s Hits From The Crypt

– Hosted by Paul Bearer, duh.

– Lex Luger v. Jeff Jarrett.

Luger’s neo-Hulk push was long dead by this point, and was replaced with the infinitely more generic (and pathetic) “Rebel/Renegade” gimmick, as he rebelled against indeterminate authority figures by brazenly showing off his love of the USA. There’s a Colbert Report reference in there somewhere, I have to think. Jarrett was dressed like a clown at this point, too, but at least his gimmick was easier to define. Just think when you look at old footage of JJ: That could have been Bret Hart. Luger works a headlock to start, but remains standing because he’s a REBEL. He rebels against mat wrestling! Jarrett knees him into the corner and works him over there, but gets hiptossed out. Luger also rebels against selling, you see. The crowd apparently rebels against cheering him, because the canned heat is annoying and blatant. Jarrett works the arm to take over and Luger looks so bored that he might as well be watching a tape of his own matches. He press-slams JJ , but misses a blind charge and gets clotheslined for his troubles. Jarrett stomps him down and gets a fistdrop from the second rope which looked like it was designed to miss but didn’t. Jarrett elbows him down and follows with a double axehandle, as even the ANNOUNCERS are complaining about Luger looking bored and lethargic out there. And these are the people who hype Steve Lombardi matches as main events. At least they’re being honest. Jarrett grabs a sleeper, which is the last thing that Luger needs at this point. Luger, rebelling against oxygen, is almost out, but makes the comeback. Interesting note from Stan Lane, who actually clarifies how the ref checks a sleeper — it’s a submission move until movement ceases, at which point you check the arm three times. Neat. Luger comes back with a backslide for two, and a suplex (as he rebels against gravity) which results in a double KO. Luger does the superman thing to enthusiastic canned heat, with his usual elbows and powerslam. Rebel Rack finishes at 13:11. Geez, and I thought Randy Savage worked a lazy formula match. 0 for 1.

– Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. Shawn Michaels.

Ramon being champion and Shawn’s fake belt and association with Diesel would place this between Royal Rumble 94 and Wrestlemania X. Ramon gives him the devastating toothpick flick out of the staredown, and Shawn even sells that. Chase to start and they criss-cross into a Ramon powerslam for two. Shoulderblock gets two. Shawn fires back with a necbkreaker for two. Shawn tries a sunset flip, which is blocked by Ramon, and he dumps Shawn with a clothesline. They brawl on the floor and Ramon goes for the Edge , but Shawn wiggles out and posts him. Back in, Shawn goes to work on the back with a backbreaker and pound on it, whipping Ramon into the corner and adding a double axehandle from the middle rope. We hit the chinlock, with copious cheating from Shawn. Razor fights on with a backslide, but Shawn takes him down again for two. Back to the chinlock, and that goes on forever. Luckily, Ramon fights out and hits Shawn with a kneelift to come back. He slugs away and Shawn nearly jumps out of his boots selling them, but Diesel yanks him out of the ring and allows Shawn to get the sneak attack. They brawl to a double countout at 11:22. You know what they should add to this feud? A ladder. I think it would make a good match. But wait! The match MUST CONTINUE! Ramon gets a fallaway slam for two, but Shawn heads up with a high cross, which Ramon reverses for two. Everyone collides and the ref is wiped out. Ramon faceplants Shawn and gets the Razor’s Edge, but the ref is out and Diesel drops a belt-assisted elbow on his head. Shawn slooooooowly crawls over to make the pin, but Marty Jannetty makes a surprise appearance, breaks up the pin, and allows Ramon to cradle Shawn for the pin. Crowd was berserk for this whole thing. 1 for 2.

– Bam Bam Bigelow v. Mabel.

Oscar is no John Cena, that’s for sure. Bammer attacks Mabel in the corner, but Mabel’s not about the selling. I get the feeling this is gonna be all Bam Bam throwing himself around the ring. Mabel grabs an armbar and works the arm, while Stan and Gorilla actually get some funny snark in (“He didn’t even have a chance to take off his tablecloth yet!”, referring to Mabel’s unique ring jacket) The crowd chants “Whoomp There It Is” to spur on Mabel, which if it happened today would have Jerry McDevitt personally trying to sue the audience in order to avoid potential copyright infringement lawsuits that might hurt the bottom line. And given their track record lately, he’d probably lose the lawsuit, too. Bam Bam hits Mabel with an enzuigiri to dump him while Oscar brawls with Luna to distract from the fact that this match is so god-awful dull. Bammer goes to an armbar while Oscar pounds the mat to rally the crowd. He’s supposed to be a rapper and he can’t even keep the beat doing THAT. The armbar continues unabated, like a Dusty Rhodes resthold gone horribly wrong, and Oscar still can’t grasp a simple “Ma-Bel” beat on the mat. Mabel comes back with something that vaguely resembles a dropkick, hitting knees in the process and scoring about 0.5 on the Erik Watts Scale. He follows with something Stan Lane generously calls “A spinning martial arts style move” but Bam Bam reverses a bulldog for two. Blind charge misses, and by that I mean Mabel forgot to stand in position and thus Bam Bam had to charge at his imaginary friend in the corner, and thankfully both guys collapse outside under the weight of all the suck and it’s a double countout. I can only hope that this one doesn’t have to continue like that last one did. 1 for 3.

– WWF tag team titles: The Quebecers v. The Headshrinkers.

From Monday Night RAW. If you want to see something scary, you should check out Carl Ouelette on color commentary on the RDS version of TNA Impact these days — the dude’s arms are bigger than my head now. It’s like a cartoon character come to life. Fatu overpowers Pierre to start but gets headlocked as a result, but Fatu headbutts him down for two. Jacques and Samu come in, and another headbutt gets two, and it’s suddenly a donnybrook. The challengers clean house and the Quebecers decide to take a powder. So we get the old chestnut where they have to come back or lose the titles, and thus they return. Back in the ring, the Shrinkers work on Pierre’s arm, but some cheating on the part of the French turns the tide, and Fatu is YOUR cannibal in peril. Quebecers double-team Fatu and Pierre slams Jacques on him for two. Running lariat by Pierre allows Jacques to do some choking and get two. Jacques backdrops Pierre onto Fatu for two. The match is clipped to Fatu backdropping Pierre out of the ring, and the cameraman is too busy watching Savage ham it up on commentary and misses the hot tag. Samu charges and hangs himself in the ropes, however, which is the kind of ironic twist you don’t get every day. Vince writes off the challengers and declares that the match is OVER. Jacques gives him a delayed piledriver and they go for the double-team finisher, but the managers start brawling and the move misses. Heel miscommunication sees Pierre turning on Jacques and walking out of the match, and Fatu finishes it with the flying splash to win the tag titles at 12:27. Total mess. 1 for 4.

– Earthquake v. Adam Bomb.

Bomb tries attacking to start, but Quake clotheslines him out of the ring. Back in, overpowering Quake doesn’t work, and he bails again. Back in with the slingshot clothesline, and that knocks Quake off his feet, and the elbow drop gets two. Quake gets tied up in the ropes, although the real heat is between Harvey Wippleman and the Fink outside. Vince’s dated references to North Korea and Madonna are funny to hear today. Back in the ring, Bomb goes up with a flying clothesline for two. Quake comes back with a belly-to-belly, elbowdrop, and legdrop, and Quake splash for the pin at 4:18. Oh, the thrill of John Tenta matches. 1 for 5.

– Bret Hart v. Kwang.

Man, Harvey got to manage ALL the loser heels, didn’t he? Kwang always reminded me of a bad 80s Hogan villain or something, like the kind of guy who did the C-show circuit in the dead fall season, switching off with Killer Khan and leading to a low-rated showdown on Saturday Night’s Main Event. Kwang attacks to start and uses his martial arts expertise, but stops to blow green mist and gets taken down with an armbar. Man, if there’s one thing that they should teach all young wrestlers in school, it’s never to blow green mist unless you’re SURE that the other guy is really out. Bret rolls him up for two and stays on the arm, but gets dumped. We’re clipped to Kwang controlling things with the dreaded Vulcan Nerve Pinch. That goes on for a while, until Kwang misses a leg lariat and Bret comes back with a suplex and a small package for two. Backbreaker, second rope elbow…could it be the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM? Yes, it could. Sharpshooter finishes Kwang off quietly at 6:52. 1 for 6.

– The Quebecers & Jeff Jarrett v. Men on a Mission & Doink.

I was just thinking that I didn’t get enough of Oscar earlier and could use another MOM match, but with the stupid clown to really make my day better. Doink gets a fistdrop on Jacques, but Jarrett comes in and stomps the crap out of Doink before running away. You’re running away from freakin’ DOINK THE CLOWN. Mo goes with Pierre next, as Pierre shoulderblocks him for two. Mo comes back with a spinebuster for two, and we get more of the epic clown v. country singer feud. The heels triple-team Doink behind the ref’s back and the canned heat is indignant. Jacques hotshots him and stomps away for two, and backdrops Pierre onto him for two. Jarrett gets the dropkick and struts in lieu of covering. Jacques slams Pierre on him for two. More double-teaming from the Quebecers, but Jarrett comes in and gets sunset flipped for two. Jacques and Jarrett elbow him down for two. Doink finally makes the heroic crawl to the corner, but Mabel comes in too soon and Doink has to crawl back again for a second false tag spot. Luckily, heel miscommunication saves the day, and he goes for the tag again, but the Quebecers cut it off AGAIN, but miss their finisher and it’s finally hot tag Mabel. The faces clean house and Mabel squishes Jacques for the pin at 10:28. Really long, and really cliched. 1 for 7.

– Lex Luger & Randy Savage v. Yokozuna & Crush.

Big stall to start and Luger starts with Yoko, getting pounded down as a result. He comes back with clotheslines, but walks into one himself. Oh, the irony. Savage comes in and works on the arm, however, but Luger’s efforts in that direction are foiled by Crush, who tags in and chokes Luger down. Back to Savage, who elbows him down, but gets gently lovetapped by Fuji’s flag. That’s enough to draw him out to the floor, and Yoko somehow sneaks up on Savage and attacks from behind. I agree with Stan Lane here — how distracted do you need to be in order to not see Yokozuna? Back in, Crush gives him a kick combo for two. Stan and Gorilla reminiscing about working on body parts is funny stuff (Gorilla: “I’d just go to work on EVERYTHING and test it out until I found a weak spot.”), and much more entertaining than Yokozuna holding Savage in a nerve pinch. Crush and Yoko continue working Savage over in dull fashion, and they don’t even bother with canned heat this time. Crush finally misses a flying kneedrop, and it’s hot tag Luger. Punch punch punch. DDT gets nothing, as Yoko saves and it’s a pier-six brawl. Crush superkicks Luger and tries a piledriver, but Savage knocks him out with the salt bucket and Luger pins him at 11:23. What a shitty finish. 1 for 8. This must have been at the end of a four-hour taping or something, because the crowd was burned out completely.

– The Undertaker v. Crush.

I’m thinking we’re not gonna break a 1/9 rating on this tape. Johnny Polo on commentary blatantly cheering for Crush is great stuff. (Johnny: “Get him, Crush! Yeah!” Gorilla: “From behind.” Johnny: “Best way to do it!”) Crush dumps UT, but gets necksnapped as a result. That means it’s ropewalk time, but a flying clothesline misses. Crush’s radical strategy for avoiding that move (ie, DUCKING) should be studied by young wrestlers the world over. Crush knocks him out of the ring with a superkick while Polo questions what the difference between a thrust kick and a crescent kick is. Ha! Wrestling geek humor, I love it. Crush adds a chairshot and they head back into the ring. Polo’s strategy for beating Undertaker: Cover him quickly because usually you have about 4 seconds before he sits up. The commentary is far better than the match. Taker starts no-selling and chokes him out in the corner, but runs into an elbow. Crush gets a backbreaker and stops to pose, which allows UT to sit up, thus proving Polo’s original point. Crush gets a military press, poses again, while Polo counts off the time before the situp. This is like Mystery Wrestling Science Theater 3000 or something. Taker comes back and gets the flying clothesline, but Crush tries a tombstone, which Taker reverses to his own for the pin at 6:59. I will be generous and give this a point, because Johnny Polo actually managed to make this an entertaining match by deconstructing it on commentary and telling bad jokes. The match was awful, but the commentary was TREMENDOUS. 2 for 9.

The Bottom Line: Hopefully we’ll have better luck with the second tape…