The SmarK DVD Rant for Steve Austin: Before They Were Stars

Just to show you the eerie supernatural powers I have, I was complaining all day Sunday because I didn’t really have anything I felt like doing a column on. So I went to bum around West Edmonton Mall and see if any new WWF DVDs were in, only to run across a cheap-looking DVD from some company in the US that I’ve never heard of, featuring 90 minutes of Steve Austin footage from the USWA in 1990. Well, shit, I’M THERE, DUDE.

Despite the crappy packaging and warnings of bad source tapes on the back of the case, the video quality for this is quite impressive, on par with current WWF stuff. However, the audio is bizarre, a 5.0 track that is essentially a mono track mixed equally into all 5 speakers. So what you get is a strange echoing commentary track, seeming to come from the center of the room instead from the center speaker. It’s incredibly distracting. The “extras” are a joke, as you get a “photo gallery” consisting of four still shots from the DVD and a biography that says that Austin quit WCW in 1994 and signed with the WWF. I’d rather they just skip straight to the matches instead of pretending to have a menu and stuff, but the thought was there, I guess. This all footage from USWA TV, by the way…

Steve Austin v. Chris Adams

This is a “come as you are” match, so Austin’s wearing his football gear, including helmet and shoulderpads. Percy Pringle (Paul Bearer) is managing Austin for this match. Adams attacks with a kendo stick and Austin bails. Austin tackles him down and then hits a shoulderblock from the three-point stance, knocking Adams out of the ring. Austin beats on him and chokes him out with a cable, but misses a splash off the apron. Adams comes back with a superkick, but Austin lets him get acquainted with a chair and we’re back in the ring. Austin hits a running headbutt with his helmet on, but Adams tosses him and they brawl. Austin charges and hits the post, knocking the helmet off. Adams makes use of it and pulls Austin’s gear off. Back in, Adams batters him with the helmet and then hangs him in the corner and drops an elbow on Austin’s family jewels. Adams wears him out with the kendo stick for good measure, but Pringle runs in for the DQ at 8:13. Odd judgment from the ref in terms of what he allows and what he calls the match for, but it was a fun brawl. **1/2

Steve Austin & Jeff Gaylord v. Chico Torres & Frogman LeBlanc

Hey, it’s Chico & The (Frog)Man! Rest assured, any match featuring a guy named after an amphibian is probably gonna be a squash. They overpower the jobbers and Gaylord finishes with a flying shoulderblock that barely makes contact, at 5:00. ¼*

Gary Young & Bill Dundee v. Eric Embry & Steve Austin

Big brawl to start, until Austin & Young start proper. Young kinda resembles a taller Don Frye, complete with bad porno moustache. Young frustrates Austin, so Embry tries. Young pounds away, but he and Dundee have some communication problems. Austin & Embry go over and cheer the potential fight on, but it’s a SWERVE and the faces suddenly double-team the heels and clean house. Funny stuff. Match appears to be clipped a bit as Embry pulls the strap down to indicate how fired up he is. Young & Dundee double-team him, but a cheapshot from Austin turns the tide. Tom Pritchard is doing commentary here, and sounds like a poor man’s Roddy Piper. Austin stomps the hell out of Young, who appears to be YOUR pornstar-in-peril. Embry uses a haliburton for two, and then holds a facelock to prevent the tag. Austin powerslams Young for two. Young is just selling like nuts. He makes the comeback, but Embry DDTs him for two. False tag to Dundee, allowing Embry to piledrive Young for two. Headbutt misses, and Young dodges Austin and makes the hot tag to Dundee. MIDGET MADNESS! Dundee bodypresses Embry during a melee and gets the pin at 13:13. It may be formula, but it’s a formula that always works. *** Heels handcuff the faces and absolutely kick the crap out of them afterwards.

Steve Austin, Jeff Gaylord & Shiek Braddock v. Matt Borne, Chris Adams & Eric Embry

This is after Embry’s face turn, because his hair has turned back to its natural brown. Gaylord starts with Borne and gets nowhere. Borne would of course go on to become Doink the Clown before self-destructing. Austin works the arm but gets backdropped. Adams comes in, so Austin bails out. He lets Braddock try, so Adams brings Embry in…and Embry hits Adams by mistake. But wait, it’s just a swerve again. Gaylord & Embry go, and Gaylord overpowers him. Gaylord, for those who have never seen him, looks like a skinnier Mike Awesome with a dramatic mullet and Ultimate Warrior tassles on his arm. There were those in the WWF who once thought he had a future, until they actually stuck him in the ring and watched him wrestle. We jump to Adams giving Braddock an enzuigiri and hitting the chinlock. Borne comes in with a corner clothesline, and a nasty Hangman submission move. Borne turns his back on the heels and gets nailed by Austin, who hits the chinlock and a kneelift. Gaylord switches off, without a tag, and the heels pound Borne in enemy territory. Borne & Gaylord collide, but Gaylord shrugs it off and keeps up the punishment. Austin takes an enzuigiri, hot tag Adams. He MURDERS Austin, and gets an elbow, then cleans house. Six-man melee results and it’s BONZO GONZO. Superkick for Austin, no ref. Skandor Akbar runs in, nails Adams, and Austin rolls over for the pin at 9:49. Another good match. **3/4

Now we get into the meat of the DVD, as the wives get into things…

Clip of Jeannie Clark helping Austin beat on Chris Adams, as she sprays him with her hairspray. “It says right on the can…’keep away from eyes’! ” the announcer proclaims, as though breaking the rules of aerosol use were more horrifying to him than possible injury.

Next, Adams gets jumped by Austin during an interview, but he holds his own despite a neck brace. A huge brawl erupts, as Austin goes for the neck and takes over. Chris’ new wife Toni Adams runs in to make the save, and somehow it’s perfectly believable. Honest. Toni & Jeannie get into it and the heels flee. This is basically the angle that gave the USWA one last burst of life before Jerry Lawler was forced to buy it out in 1991.

Next, Austin attacks Adams with a chair, but Toni goes after Jeannie with Chris’ kendo stick. This is just BEGGING for a mixed tag match. Jeannie gets the cane and the heels wreak some havoc.

Steve Austin & Jeannie Clark v. Chris Adams & Toni Adams

Both Jeannie and Toni look cougarrific in spandex and put Stephanie’s boob job to shame. CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! The ref is having none of that, however, and calms things down. Jerk. Toni wants Jeannie to start, but Jeannie in turn talks Austin into wrestling first. The crowd is just itching to see Jeannie v. Toni and the heat here is amazing. Chris quickly gets a backdrop and hits the chinlock. Jeannie breaks it up, and Austin does his own. That goes on for a while, with the story being that Adams keeps fighting out, only to have Austin invent new ways to cheat and maintain the move. Adams finally breaks, but walks into a clothesline and Austin gets the chinlock back. Jeannie gets some cheapshots, and back to the chinlock we go. Jeannie stupidly wants in, so Austin (who apparently has been whipped already) complies…and Adams tags Toni in. Whoops. The crowd goes NUTS. Jeannie smartly goes for Toni’s injured ribs, however, and Austin comes in to finish. His arrogant “Oh yeah!” and strut as he walks in is HILARIOUS, very reminiscent of something Vince McMahon would do in the same situation. No wonder this guy got grabbed up by WCW so fast. Chris Adams cuts off his celebration, however, clotheslining him. Adams goes up and hits a double-axehandle. CATFIGHT, CATFIGHT WE’VE GOT A CATFIGHT. Austin & Chris brawl outside while the womenfolk tear each other’s hair out. Nice to see that they’re keeping within their means. The ref finally calls a no-contest at 9:14 because things are out of hand. Austin piledrives Adams on the floor, and then the heels double-team Toni as the place is nearly ready to riot. Austin piledrives Adams again and goes up to the top, but Toni throws herself on top of Chris to save him. So Austin just hits both of them with a splash at once. I LOVE this guy. The whole match story was that chinlock, but it was done well and the heat was unreal. *3/4

Steve Austin & Jeannie Clark v. Chris Adams & Toni Adams

Hey, let’s do it again. Donnybrook to start as Austin gets tossed, and the ref calms things down again. Once again, Austin & Chris start…and Austin gets dumped again. Adams chokes him and catapults him in the corner. He goes for a piledriver, but can’t execute. Austin pounds on him. Side salto gets two. Austin hits the chinlock, but Adams escapes and gets a sleeper. Jeannie breaks, and Austin goes back to the chinlock. The match is smartly clipped from there to Jeannie and Toni having a footrace around the ring (and slipping in the same spot). I fear for the safety of patrons at ringside who might be injured by the bouncing bazooms. Adams escapes the chinlock, but gets clotheslined. Jeannie chokes him out, but Adams casually carries her to the corner and ties her in the ropes, allowing Toni to come in and slap away. Jeannie escapes and they claw each other. Austin & Adams brawl and Austin gets dumped, which doesn’t even slow him up. They keep brawling on the floor as color commentator Pringle gets involved for Austin. Back in, Adams puts Austin in a Boston Crab while the women keep scrapping. You’ll note that at no time did anyone ever ask them to try any wrestling – they were protected for the whole match and only did spots that made sense for them to do. That’s why this angle made money. Huge, wild brawl erupts for the no-contest at 10:28. Chris Von Erich tries to help by taking on Percy, but he gets his ass handed to him by Austin. Jeff Jarrett saves, but Iceman Parsons takes care of him. I sense that this led to a six-man tag of some sort, but this is the end of the DVD. Match was more of the same, but more energetically so. **1/4 Chris & Toni eventually ran Austin & Jeannie out of the USWA and all the way to WCW and superstardom.

The Bottom Line: Given I paid $20 Canadian for this import DVD, that would probably place it at about $10 US, a steal for the quality you get. Austin was an awesomely entertaining heel early in his career and these matches show the charisma that would carry him all the way to the top, even if the in-ring skills weren’t in evidence so much. Definitely check this out.

Strongly recommended.