Peacockery Pick: Total Divas Season 1, Episode 5 – Feuding Funkadctyls

The fifth episode of Total Divas, titled “Feuding Funkadactyls,” debuted on the E! Network on August 25, 2013. It scored a 1.67 rating, the highest of the entire series. For perspective, that’s higher than every episode of wrestling excluding SmackDown that aired last week. Funkadctyls = ratings. (Yes, I know the viewing landscape has changed.)

This episode can now be found on Peacock, Hulu (but not through Disney+), and internationally through WWE Network. You can also purchase it in the various places you can purchase TV episodes.

We start in the hotel with Eva Marie & JoJo, who are putting bronzer on each other. Eva says she always wears bronzer because you never know who might see you, perhaps John Cena. They’re doing planks and practicing headlocks when in walks our Tribal Chief, introducing himself as Joe. Roman Reigns, WWE Superstar appears to be meeting them for the first time. Afterwards, Eva says that’s the reason they wear bronzer.

Nattie has TJ, Nattie’s Fiancé / WWE Superstar in a bear hug in the pool. She’s mad because he wet her hair, as if they AREN’T IN A POOL. Nattie takes a phone call from Cheryl, TJ’s Mom. TJ doesn’t want to talk. Nattie tells us it is her birthday week, they’ll be in Calgary this week and she has a match on Raw. She is not, however, looking forward to seeing the “mother-in-law from hell.”

TJ tells his mom that they’d love to stay with her in her one-bedroom apartment, which Nattie is reasonably upset with. Apparently usually Nattie has to sleep with the mom on her king size bed and TJ takes the sofa. Nattie makes TJ promise that they’re going to get a hotel and he says yeah, no problem. There’s going to be a problem, isn’t there?

New York, New York. Freshly dressed Ariane has come to visit Trinity in her hotel room. Trinity tells us they’re like sisters but opposites. Trin tells her she wants to chill and Ariane wants to go shopping. Trinity explains to her that “Naomi” is a diva but Trinity is just “me.”

Calgary, eh. Brie & Nikki are looking over the script for a backstage segment with the Funkadactyls for the WWE app. We watch the filming and the four talk. Bellas are going out of town and Brie says she’s going to see their dad. Nikki declines and tells us that he battled addiction while she was a child.

Nattie greets the Calgary fans and has a big pink cake backstage. Nattie and Kaitlyn face the Bellas in the ring. Natalya eats the pin in her hometown on her birthday because, I’d assume, Vince.

We are back at the hotel with Nattie and TJ. TJ throws her on the bed and they wrestle (not like that) when mom calls. TJ tells her he’ll stay with her and Nattie is mad. Again, understandably. Away he goes, leaving Nattie to hotel TV. I’m assuming “The Office,” as that’s the only thing that is ever on when I’m in hotels nowadays.

Los Angeles. Jon, Trinity’s Fiance / WWE Superstar and Vincent, Ariane’s Boyfriend are out with the ladies. The ladies take some paparazzi photos, which Ari is into and Trinity doesn’t want. Ariane keeps working the camera.

John Cena, Nikki’s Boyfriend / WWE Superstar is lighting a candle in his house as Nikki looks at his artwork. He tries to teach her Chinese and she’s struggling. He’s no Duolingo. She wants to learn dirty words. He asks about her dad, and she says she hasn’t talked to him. He asks when she’s breaking down the wall. John says it’s time to give it a try.

Back to Calgary and it’s lunchtime with TJ’s mom. Valerie, TJ’s Sister is also joining much to the chagrin of Nattie. Nattie says she needs space, while the family says they’re glad HE doesn’t need space. Valerie says they need to have kids. Nattie is burning holes through him with her eyes. Valerie recommends premarital counseling, TJ says they’re fine.

Tampa! The Bellas are working out. Nikki mentions that maybe it is time to meet up with dad and asks Brie to come with her. Brie says of course and tells us she would love for them to get this behind them.

WWE Training Facility with the Funkadactyls. They’re running through possible new dance routines. Trinity busts a few out and Ariane reminds her that she is not a dancer like Trin. Ariane reminds her to work the camera as well. They argue for a bit. Tension!

California. We meet Nana, who has made a feast for the Bella crew. Brie reminisces about her grandfather. We learn Bryan Danielson would like a composting toilet, which totally tracks.

Back to Calgary. Nat’s still upset. She is meeting up with Jaret, Nattie’s Friend, who owns a tanning salon. They are… flirty? Maybe. The acting isn’t great here. He notes that she doesn’t have to have anything on to tan and sprays her on down with tanner. He says they should go for dinner and she says she would love that.

The Bellas are at their grandfather’s grave. Brie wonders how he would feel about them wrestling. JJ, Brie & Nikki’s Brother says he would love it. Nikki misses hearing him say how proud he was. Nikki tells us that their dad left them when they were fifteen, so grandma stepped in. Nikki thinks he and John Cena would be best friends.

Calgary, Alberta. Nattie’s phone is ringing and it’s TJ on the phone, who says he’s in the lobby. He surprises her and tells her that they’re going to his sister’s and she’s just tired of it all. She just wants to go to dinner. She goes up to her room and TJ doesn’t know what to tell his family.

Back to Tampa and the Funkadactyls, JoJo and Eva Marie are going go-karting to ease some tension. They race and Trinity gets fourth, JoJo third, Eva second and Ariane takes the victory stand. We have a little argument between Ariane and Trinity, with Ariane saying Trinity is hot about things. Trin says she’s the one who wins the matches and we have an argument, complete with a Trinity-started shoving match. Lawd.

Back from break, the argument continues and we zip to Calgary. Nattie and Jaret are out for dinner since TJ’s out with the family. Jaret reserved a room for just the two of them, which is not at all problematic. Nattie tells her problems with TJ, Jaret says she’s been saying this stuff for fourteen years. Jaret says he had feelings for her.

Bellas and Bella Brother are meeting up with Jon, Nikki & Brie’s Father. Nikki tells us she doesn’t want to be here as we go to break.

And we’re back. Nikki gives him a hug but she’s not feeling this meeting. Jon tells us he doesn’t understand the problem. Nikki tells him he’s selfish and he’s always been in and out of their lives, especially at fifteen. She says she always looked at her granddad as her dad because of this. He says he has no excuse for what he did and he hates himself for that, but he’s so sorry. He asks how they get past this, to which Nikki just says time. They hug it out and Nikki says it felt good.

Raw is War. Jane Geddes, SVP WWE Talent Relations & Development is telling the ladies it is AJ & Bellas against Funkadctyls & Kaitlyn. Trinity says she doesn’t want to work with Ariane tonight and they argue. Mark Currano, Senior Director, WWE Talent Relations asks for a moment with just the two.

Trinity says she would rather restart and be successful than being with how Ariane acts. They argue some more. Jane says she’ll set them up with Stephanie McMahon for a meeting as they argue some more.

Back from break, Jane pulls the two into a meeting with Stephanie McMahon, WWE Executive VP, Creative. Steph says she wants to get them back on the same page. Ariane mentions that Trinity shoved her, which Steph says is not acceptable. She says when they’re in public, they’re WWE Divas and they have to be professional. She says she’s giving them a shot at singles completion and let’s see where it goes.

Fast forward a bit and we meet Brian Terwilliger, WWE Producer. He calls them over and says Trinity is facing Alicia Fox and Ariane has Aksana.

The Bellas are watching their men wrestle as Nikki tells us she gets “so turned on” watching John wrestle and that she wants to bite his butt.

Funk Is On A Roll and Trinity comes out for her match with Foxxy. Nattie tells Jane that she’s doing great but looks winded. Trinity overshoots a jump as we go to break.

Back from said break, Foxxy gets the pin as Trinity almost faceplanted. Ariane gets her first singles match and it’s not great as Ariane is going too fast. Trinity meets her backstage, apologizes and didn’t like not working with her. Ariane says it was so different and we are tearfully reunited. Trinity says they will talk to Mark and Jane and get things back going. Funkadactyls forever.