Peacockery Pick: Total Divas (Planet Funk is Funked Up – season 1, episode 3)

This week, we start right off in San Diego with Nikki & Brie, WWE Divas taking a ride. Nikki says that her parents didn’t care and she didn’t do a lot of homework, so that’s why she doesn’t use a lot of big words or sound “super smart.” They debate the correct term for a person who cuts down trees as Brie tells us that having “twin language” has hurt their regular language skills.

Intro video.

We head to the glamorous Holiday Inn, where Brie and Bryan Danielson, Brie’s Boyfriend / WWE Superstar are packing their bags and planning a video chat with Josie. Josie is Brie’s pup and we get said video chat, with Brie saying she misses having Josie on the road with her. Brie tells us that she and Bryan have decided to move to Phoenix to be closer to Josie. Bryan asks Brie if she’s told Nikki about the move. She says she isn’t telling her. Bryan tells her that, quote, “you are a grown ass woman” and to let her down gently. “Bitch, we’re moving to Phoenix.”

Meanwhile in Tampa, we’re returning to Trinity’s Apartment. Trinity and Jon, Trinity’s Fiance / WWE Superstar, are hanging out when Jon notices she’s not wearing her engagement ring. He says she’s hurting him and she said she was just taking it off to clean it.

Eva Marie & JoJo have arrived at the NXT training center to meet with Bill DeMott, Head Coach Development Training. JoJo explains that NXT is WWE’s developmental program as we see her work with Summer Rae. Eva and JoJo do a session together and JoJo looks good! We catch Bill telling Eva that she has to find her body control while being slammed or she is going to get dropped on her head. Oh no, then she might think tweeting “Who should WWE release to be able to afford to resign me” is a good idea.

As this happens, we look over to a pained JoJo who can’t get up and is telling the trainer she didn’t tuck her head in. In the trainer’s room, Brian Duncan, Head Athletic Trainer WWE Performance Center tells her she has a little concussion and to rest. JoJo says this could be the end of her training.

Elsewhere, Jon and Trinity pull up for a date to El Potro which is exciting because there’s one here and I adore it. Jon asks her why she didn’t have her ring on at work “for real.” Trinity explains to him that “they” want the divas to be single. Pretty shitty if true. Jon is upset.

Back to San Diego and Brie has found Nikki at the gym. Brie says Nikki looks great in her gym gear which she thinks she looks bad which is objectively always false. Brie breaks the news that she and Bryan are moving to Phoenix. Nikki says that’s extreme and that there are dog sitters and what about their friends! Nikki says this decision is all Bryan.

After a commercial break, Nikki has arrived for a meeting with the director and producer of their first film. Brie is MIA and tells Nikki she totally forgot. John Ryan, Bella’s Manager and R. Scott Reid, Producer walk in on cue and greet Nikki as they get seated with Paul Bunch, Director. Nikki lies to them that Brie is parking right now. In a talking head segment, Nikki blames Bryan and says he should be packing boxes so she can be there. Nikki tells Paul they will do their own stunts as Brie finally arrives.

Tampa. Sebastian, JoJo’s Boyfriend makes a surprise appearance. He has been her friend since childhood. He meets Eva Marie as JoJo and Sebastian head to the beach. They’re sweet.

Markshane, Bella’s Trainer greets the duo as they arrive at his gym. Workout montage! Brie tells Nikki they found a place as Nikki throws harder punches during their sparring to be extra contrived. She invites Nikki to help pack.

JoJo tells Sebastian she has to go to practice. He tells her to be home and she tells him not to make her choose between work and him. Oh lord, never mind. He sucks. Back at the hotel he tells her it isn’t working out for him. What a douche. Poor JoJo cries.

Back to the PC and Jon and Trinity train together. She does the over-the-top leg drop to Jon after expressing fear over hurting him. Bill DeMott tells her not to be indecisive because that’s how time gets cut. Later in the car, Jon tells her to quit doubting herself. He asks when they are going to start planning to get married. Trinity says their work schedule is so busy.

JoJo and Eva Marie are in the car. JoJo tells her Sebastian has given her the decision of him or work. Eva says it would be crazy to quit and that if her other half is chasing their dream, she’s encouraging that. JoJo just doesn’t know. Woman, throw that whole man away.

We’re packing and Nikki has arrived with one box to help. Then she talks about cameltoe. Bryan: “Your boobs are the reason for the cameltoe?” Nikki sits on the bed and watches Brie and Bryan attempt to wrap a statue. Brie says Nikki is rude, Nikki says not showing up to a meeting is rude. Nikki says she’s leaving and it’s pathetic they’re moving for a dog and she hates them. K. Drama.

It’s another day and we’re back training with Eva and JoJo. Nattie, who we have remembered is on the show 23 minutes in, shows up to work with the girls as concussed JoJo has to watch. Nattie pulls JoJo around and talks about Sebastian. She says JoJo needs to get it together and Sebastian needs to understand and he has to compromise. Nattie says she might not make it with him in this company and he’s not strong enough for this. She’s right. Throw that man away. Nattie tells her she’ll be there for her no matter what.

San Diego, John Cena, Nikki’s Boyfriend/WWE Superstar is here riding with Nikki. He calls her pimple a skin malfunction. He tells her that she has a short fuse as she tells John that she told Brie & Bryan that she hated them. John tells her she is selfish, Bryan is a great guy with good intentions and she shouldn’t be lashing out at him because her sister won’t be next to her. Good Guy John.

Tampa and Trinity is snuggled on the couch looking sad. Jon asks what’s wrong and says they’re been engaged for two years. She says she’s tired of talking about it. She tells him she’s not ready to make decisions and if that’s not what he wants, go find somebody else. He says he just needs one step from her (engagement is a step, Jon). He says the job won’t be there all the time but he will if she gives him a chance and he’s out the door.

Back to Saint Diego as Brie has most everything boxed up and has a knock at the door. Nikki’s here to apologize, saying John made her realize she was being unfair. She let her emotions take over and realized she’s going to miss her sister. Crisis averted.

Kansas City and it’s Raw day. Some of us call it Monday Night Sam over on Twitter. Some being just me. The ladies arrive and Trinity tells the girls she and Jon got into it.

Ariane is here, in case you forgot she was on the show. She says she has tonsillitis and feels terrible which is fair. She says she has a UTI and a yeast infection and why is she there. She said she was told she had to come because they have a match.

Mark Currano, Senior Director Talent Relations meets up with the Funkadactyls. He tells them they are in an eight-person tag tonight against the Bellas and Usos, which means Trinity will be against Jon. Naturally it happens when they’re at odds. Mark says check the personal stuff at the door. Ariane tells him she’s sick and he doesn’t care, I assume because they had to fill the four minutes of the show they would give them.

Eva Marie & JoJo are in the crowd to watch this epic eight-person tag as we are given our weekly reminder that Tyrus exists. Cursed. Trinity says this match is awkward as Nikki is hugging on Jon for the DRAMATICS. We get a brief in-ring moment with Jon and Trinity before we’re reminded that men and women can’t compete against each other. Trinity hits Jon with a hurracadana anyway and Funk is On A Roll.

JoJo says it’s so exciting watching the crowds cheer for the divas and she really needs to be here. Suck it, Sebastian. She says she is going to follow her dreams and break up with him.

Ariane and Trinity meet up post-match and Trinity says she’s so stressed out. She loves Jon but she wants to be certain before rushing into marriage and she’s afraid of failing. She talks about a previous five year relationship where she was cheated on. Ariane asks if she’s going to be scared forever and sometimes you have to take the chance.

Trinity says she realizes she’s making him pay for her past. She meets up with Jon in catering and apologizes for what she said. He says maybe they need to split and she says she doesn’t want that, she’s just afraid of failure because she hasn’t seen a successful marriage before. He says the man who cheated on her had something wrong with him – “what am I going to go to cheeseburgers if I’m wearing steak every night.” The man’s right. He says she’s filet mignon and she says she knows he is her future husband and calls him her big chicken nugget as things are healed and we’re out for the episode.