Peacockery Pick: Total Divas (season 1, episode 2)

It’s a little over a decade since WWE and E! first graced us with Total Divas, and as the diva (by default, really) of this site I’ve taken on the task of watching the series for the first time. The exclusion would be the first two episodes which I have watched. This time, however, I’m all in. Will I regret it? Probably!

Last week we watched the series premiere, which you can find here. All episodes are available for your viewing and streaming pleasure on Peacock and Hulu in the US and on WWE Network elsewhere. Episode two, titled “A Tango With Fandango,” first aired August 4, 2013.

Previously On Total Divas! We learn what Divas are! Ariane tells us that there is a hierarchy, with those at the tops (the Bellas), the midcard (Funkadactyls), and veterans (Natalya). The Bellas declare the newbies, Eva Marie and JoJo, as trouble.

We start this week at Monday Night Raw in Roanoke, Virginia. Eva Marie & JoJo run into the arena just as the pyro goes off. JoJo says that every time they go to Raw, you can’t help but get sucked in and this is what she was meant to do.

Fandango, WWE Superstar makes his entrance and yes, this must be 2013! Eva Marie tells us Fandango is one of the biggest superstars right now and is getting a lot of attention with his entrance. Eva Marie says that she thinks, “Hey, I can do that too” when she sees him enter with a different girl each week. She explains that she doesn’t want to spend most of a year at a training camp and that being a valet opens the door for you. She says this is her “in” and once he has her as his partner, he won’t want anyone else. Except for Tyler Breeze.

Trinity finds Ariane backstage, who is trying to find something to wear tonight. When pulling out their sparkly blue gear, Ariane says she is reminded of WrestleMania (in last week’s episode, we see their match pulled from the card). We flashback to Mania as Ariane blames Miss Sandra, Seamstress for them not making the show. Ariane says they need to find a second seamstress, and Trinity is doubtful. Trinity does say their Mania gear was so last minute and they got it as they were going out and it wasn’t what they wanted. Trinity says it is all on Ariane if things don’t go well.

Nikki & Brie find the coffee table. They’re excited to go to Tampa with their respective men, John and Bryan. They’re planning to do a bit of a life swap, with Brie & Bryan doing the luxury life and Nikki & John trying to live a simple life. Nikki says that Brie will never want to leave John’s house because it is like being at a resort.

As Paul Wight (Massive Man) relaxes on a couch behind them, the newbies meet up with Nattie. They head to WWE Catering, which is my dream spot, and Nattie tells them to stay away from the sweets. JoJo says she’s 19 and it’ll be okay. Eva questions Nattie about Fandango and how he has different women each show. Nattie says he is very selective and wants the best dancer.

And on cue, up walks Fandango who gives them all a kiss on the cheek. Nattie tells him Eva is interested and can dance. Eva says she’ll be making it happen.

Brian James, WWE Producer greets the Bellas and lets them know the plan tonight, Brie versus Trinity and “we won’t have long.” He reminds Brie she is the villain. She asks if he wants anything special out of the match and he recommends doing the “twin magic.”

We see match highlights and Nikki describes their characters as “the biggest bitches you will ever come across.” Brie explains what twin magic is as we see it in action. Trinity complains and the referee declares it a disqualification as the teams brawl.

Eva walks into a backstage office and meets up with Jane Geddes, SVP WWE Talent Relations & Development and Mark Currano, Senior Director, Talent Relations. She tells them she’s been watching Fandango and she has a background in ballroom dancing which they are surprised to hear. Mark says he would be okay with the teaming if Fandango likes it. He tells her to get with him in Tampa this Monday.

We get some brief clips of Daniel Bryan fighting members of the Shield before cutting to JoJo backstage, telling Fandango she saw him out there dancing and that it’s going to be Eva out there. Right on cue, up walks Eva who tells Fandango he needs her as they make all the flirty eyes. He says he’ll be in Tampa, he’s going to go take a shower and “I’ll be thinking about you. In the shower.”

Eva tells JoJo she can do it but there’s one problem. She doesn’t know how to ballroom dance. Dramatic music fades us to commercial!

Back from commercial, the Bellas and D-Bry walk up to the bus. John Cena, Nikki’s Boyfriend/WWE Superstar tells them to only take what they need to survive. We again meet Bryan Danielson, Brie’s Boyfriend/WWE Superstar as the four board a private plane. Nikki says John has earned his luxurious lifestyle as they discuss Eva Marie. Nikki is upset that Eva tweeted that she wants John as her tag team partner. Nikki says Eva came to apologize but with even more cleavage than Nikki is showing. She says she’s protective of what is hers. John says he likes “the redheaded one” because in a business where you draw attention to yourself, she does that. He’s not wrong. The foursome do “cheers” to an interesting adventure.

We’ve made it to Tampa and an elated Eva opens her hotel room door to the surprise of Jonathan, Eva Marie’s Boyfriend. They’ve been dating for two and a half months and he flew coast-to-coast to visit her. JoJo introduces herself and tells us this is the first she’s heard of said boyfriend. JoJo tells Eva she’s going to go read and leave them to it, to which Eva tells her to maybe play music tonight.

Jonathan brings her donuts and reminisces of first meeting her and knowing he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Then he proposes because hey, two and a half months. She shows off the ring to JoJo, who is shocked.

Ariane is riding with Vincent, Ariane’s Boyfriend. She’s talking to Mike, Costume Designer on the phone. I appreciate that he gets a graphic. She says he can make her sexy gear in three days. He is down with her gear idea and says he can do it.

John Cena’s House. Bryan and Brie meet John and Nikki at his kitchen bar as she exclaims “wow” to the extravagance. John offers them a look around and Nikki volunteers a tour. We see his entry room, cigar room and his enormous closet. We head out to the guest house, which Brie claims is better than their house. Nikki takes Brie out for a ride in John’s Maserati and tells her that she knows she likes the fancy living.

Jonathan is leaving now, which makes Eva sad. She says she’s pulling out all the stops tonight. JoJo asks if Jonathan knows she is going out with Fandango tonight. She says he doesn’t need to, it’s business and that she’s not wearing her ring tonight. That damn Fandango. In her talking head segment, JoJo says you don’t take off your engagement ring for a business meeting and that Eva needs to slow down. Girl, yes.

We are back at John Cena’s House, where the foursome are diving into his pool. Bryan does the doggy-paddle to swim which fits. Brie says she likes being at John’s house because it feels like being in a rap video.

Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Ariane meets Mike and tries on the near gear. She says they finally have some “hot ass outfits.” Where is Trinity?

Eva meets up with Fandango for dinner. Flirty eyes and so forth. She asks what she has to do to be his partner. He asks if she’s danced, which she says yes and she is good. He says he can massage her before they go out and she can massage him after because that’s what dance partners do. He invites her to go out with the boys to the club and says he is trouble, but also says yes.

They go out. He says she’s beautiful and to wear a black dress Monday. She says he’s laying it on thick and now she’s uncomfortable.

The foursome are flying to Aberdeen, as John issues a girls vs guys wood chopping competition. If the ladies win, they get massages for a month. Nicole says Aberdeen is “cute” but she couldn’t live there full-time.

Bryan’s House. John comments on Bryan’s lack of television. “Yeah, that’s not really my thing.” Nikki says his home is okay but it is his childhood home. John asks Brie if it’s big enough for two kids. Brie shows resentment in a private conversation with John and Nikki.

Trinity’s Apartment. JoJo is there! Ariane is on the phone describing her new gear and says there is “booty meat hanging out,” a sentence I’m certain has not been written on the Blog of Doom before. Jon Uso, Trinity’s Fiance/WWE Superstar does a pretty great impression of Ariane. He tells Trinity to imagine how HER booty is going to work in this gear if Ariane is and smaller booty are hanging out. Jon is the best character on this show.

Back to Aberdeen and Bryan’s house as the men handle axes. The girls walk out in tops that show off their tops. Bryan: “What are you wearing?” The men take their shirts off because equal opportunities. And we’re cutting. Brie gets four. Nikki doesn’t do so well and notes that she “just hit myself in the vagina.” Eight total for the women. The men chop and John makes the mandatory “I have wood” joke. Brie loves that her boyfriend looks like a lumberjack. Bryan chops wood very slowly. The girls win due to Bryan’s slowness.

John and Nikki are in bed now being cuddly and talking about wine. The Bellas drive off to buy said wine. Brie says it is freaking her out giving up her Cali girl life for Bryan and Aberdeen. She says she loves Bryan and she loves his house, but can she do anything to change it. She says she is willing to sacrifice a lot but she’s a little freaked out realizing what she is sacrificing. Nikki says the house needs to be torn down and this is not where she belongs.

We’re at Raw and Eva tells JoJo she is freaking out. She considers confessing to Fandango that she is not a dancer. She tells Dango she is nervous and he tells her to not worry. JoJo tells us that first Eva went against WWE, then lies to them about dancing, then comes out with this boyfriend nobody knows about.

Eva says hey to Brodus as she and JoJo meet up with Nattie, who you might also remember as a character on this show even though we haven’t seen her much this episode. The Funkadactyls are shocked that she is dancing with Fandango. Trinity says she’s tuning in for this and Nattie tells Eva that Trinity is a professional dancer.

It’s rehearsal time. The ladies watch them as Eva awkwardly does not have any moves. Trinity says that it Eva is a dancer, she’s a freaking astronaut. Jane walks off mad and Nattie says it takes one thing to ruin your reputation. Dango says he’s not doing that again as Mark grills Eva on her “professional dancer” claim. He tells her this is not good.

Ariane asks Trinity to show her the new gear. Trinity says that all her stuff is hanging out. Ariane loves it, while Trinity isn’t a fan. We go talk to Sandra, WWE Seamstress who is shocked at their new gear. Ariane tells her that “they” told her their gear wasn’t sexy enough and Miss Sandra is not happy. Ariane asks them to tweak it and she says nah, this is what they get. Trinity gets Ariane to apologize because Trinity is a real one. Don’t mess with Miss Sandra. Sandra refuses to fix it.

The show begins and they are wearing “old gear,” which Trin says looks good and Ariane doesn’t like. We watch them dance with Tons of Funk because we must be subjected to Tyrus once a week.

Eva is sitting backstage where she meets Stephanie McMahon, WWE Executive VP, Creative. Steph says she doesn’t even know her but that she’s embarrassed by the company. I would cry. End credits!

Post credits tag: we continue the conversation. Steph tells her this is not okay and Eva apologizes for crying and this is her dream. Steph asks her what happens now with Raw being live. Eva says it was the worst way to try to make it to the main roster. Steph says if it happens again, she won’t make it and she won’t be back. End scene. See you next week!