WCW Saturday Night: December 14, 1996

Their fatal flaw in the
booking was in never giving him a chance to talk to Okerlund.

Gene: “Are you Jimmy Del
Ray?”

Jimmy: “Who wants to know? Who wants
to know?”

To a certain degree.
We’re a couple years away from seeing them get a shot at resurrection, only to
see it buried dead and good at Starrcade 1998. The current incarnation with the
Jeff Jarrett nonsense right through to the spring of 98 is definitely the
lowest point in the group’s history; and that’s saying a lot considering Paul
Roma.

You mean where Hogan
played the BASS GUITAR when Piper was FIFTEEN YEARS OLD?

To be fair, Roddy Piper
gives WCW fresh batshit crazy material to work with weekly, which they beat
into the ground until the following Nitro. Sting hasn’t even bothered sending
Maggle a mysterious package, which would be aired carte blanche, in which an
embarrassing video contains messages that prove he’s wanted a match with Triple
H since at least 1993. In fact …

53 seconds in to this,
Vader challenges Sting to play A Game. The Game? Did I just out-scoop Dave
Meltzer?

Let’s head to the Cyborg
Factory, where men who know use Valvoline.

DUSTY RHODES and TONY SCHIAVONE hype
the Starrcade card, giving equal amounts of attention to all the matches
slated. And if you believe that, I’ve got WCW stock I’d like to sell you. Piper
Piper Piper. I haven’t heard repetition like that since Shari Lewis was alive.

I’m glad that WCW gave
these guys some time apart in order to keep this matchup fresh and vibrant.
I’ve really come to appreciate their work together over the last 12 days since
this one last ran on TV, and I’m ready to renew this old rivalry. Kidman earned
this non-stop slew of title matches by beating Jerry Lynn on Worldwide once. Kidman
hits a nice slingshot headscissors take over, and Malenko hits the floor to
slow him down a little. It works, and Dean takes over with a fallaway slam.
Kidman tries a sunset flip but gets punched in the head for his effort. A
crossface is applied, for some “bone marrah on bone marrah” action. Welcome to
Planet Dusty, if you need to drink go see the Debulish Woman down by the Pay
Windah. A crossbody off the top connects, but Billy rolls through for 2.
Malenko is up first, and clotheslines Kidman so hard he does a full 360. A
brainbuster is tried, but Kidman slides off the back and hits a tornado bulldog
for 2. Malenko sidesteps a dropkick, and hits the brainbuster this time for a
close 2. Kidman comes back with another bulldog attempt, but Malenko reverses
it mid-hold into a slam, and locks on the Cloverleaf for the submission at 6:55. **1/2

High Voltage are the
underdogs here on the basis that unlike the opposition, their Nipples have
never been given their own segment on Nitro. I’ll keep this match to a high
level summary: we saw a wide array of hiptosses, and Renegade wins with a big
splash off the top at 5:25. 1/2*

As part of Gene’s
propaganda report; he’s hearing that WCW is investigating the signing of “one
of the biggest names in wrestling history”, who reeks of “tradition”. While I
assume this report has about as much legitimacy as the financial reports at Los
Pollos Hermanos, I’ll call out the WON guys to ask if there was anything here,
since both Bret and Shawn were locked up at this point. Was this just an
overhyped Mr. Perfect?

Dear god, we haven’t seen
Larry Santo in years, and man does he look grizzled. Of course, anyone who
spent their livelihood getting worked over by Vader may have suffered the same
fate. Jarrett hits an early swinging neckbreaker, but Santo retaliates with
hiptosses. A blind charge misses, and the next thing you know, Santo’s locked
in the Figure Four and tapping out at 1:43.
Welcome back Larry. DUD

Hey, speaking of
embarrassing Sting videos…

Page is chewing gum
today, while simultaneously smoking his cigar. I don’t know if the gum is
standard for every cigar, but that’s positively disgusting. Not disgusting is
his fantastic finisher however, in which he backdrops Rex into the air, and
hits the Diamond Cutter on the way down in one smooth movement, for the easy
score at 3:19. *

LEE MARSHALL gets a word with the big winner, who pantomimes the move all over
again. His enthusiasm is completely infectious; and his evolution this year has
been a joy to watch. Marshall asks about the nWo again, and Page reminds us he
doesn’t need them or anywhere, because he has the greatest finisher in the
world. He says if they keep it up, he’s gonna drop them. Page can’t wait for
his shot at the US title at Starrcade, throws in a racist joke about Eddie, and
finishes with a BANG.

I don’t mean to speculate
idly, but I think it goes without saying that Glacier is scouting this one very
carefully. A quick Train Wreck sets up a shoulderblock off the top, and Biggs
hits the floor. He acts incapacitated, but it’s a ploy, because he gets back in
and throws a punch. Ice Train doesn’t care for that, and hits a clothesline to
set up a senton. Still choosing not to finish, a standing vertical suplex sets
up a banzai drop, and FINALLY he goes for the pin at 2:27. It took Luther Biggs nearly 3 years to recover from this
loss, but when he did, he came back with a lot of Buzz. *

Holy crap, now THIS is a
match up! I can’t imagine anyone coming out of this alive? Just ask Fit Finlay,
who Ron Studd killed overseas months ago. Nobody sells anything here, and it’s
glorious. Seeing Meng take the giant arms of Road Block to the face and just
giving it back, with neither guy giving an inch is amazing. Road Block hits a
big boot, and Meng’s up at 1. Both members of the Fear start with the
CLUBBERIN’! Barbarian goes for the Kick of Fear, but Road Block just slams him
and GOES UP TOP! A big splash MISSES, dear god! Kick of Fear is right there,
and we have winners at 3:25. This
was at least a 5 star matchup, and possibly 6.

KEVIN SULLIVAN won’t talk to Tony anymore, so he’s talking with LEE MARSHALL instead. Marshall promptly
stabs him in the back and airs a new Chris Benoit video.

CHRIS BENOIT and WOMAN are still
sitting around drinking their wine. Benoit brags that Woman wants to be with a
young stallion, and is finished with the old generation. Woman: “Woman gets
what Woman wants. She always has, and she always will.”

Back to the arena,
Sullivan snaps and asks Marshall if he heard a word he said to Schiavone on
Monday? He reminds Lee that the video was sent to HIMSELF and no one else. He
also knows Tony Schiavone is the producer of this show, so he doesn’t blame
Marshall, but is livid no one’s asking him if it’s ok to show this stuff.
Sullivan reminds us that he has a family, and at home he’s not the nut he
pretends to be while he’s here. He might be wrapped a little tight, but he has
nothing left in his life to lose now. He sends a message to Arn Anderson,
because he’s been arrested before but it took 12 officers to get him in the
car. With his personal life now a mess, he blames Anderson for starting this
because he’s the one who brought Benoit into the Horsemen. For every cold and
lonely night he has moving forward, he’s going to take it out on Anderson and
split his head open. He can’t tell him what he really thinks because this is on
TV, but if he ever shows another video without his permission, something’s
gonna happen.

The complete
Piper/Bischoff confrontation from Nitro is aired.

This is a big of a styles
clash, but I’m digging the idea. Morrus puts his arm behind his back like
Regal, and prances around the ring laughing his ass off. He quickly pays for
that, finding himself trapped in a hammerlock. Regal sweeps the legs out from
Morrus, and powers him down to the mat, but Morrus overcomes that by winning a
test of strength and getting back to his feet. Regal throws a ton of palm
thrusts, but it doesn’t stop Morrus from springboarding off the ropes and hitting
a clothesline. Regal hits the ground, looking shocked, so Morrus follows him
out of the ring. Big mistake, because Regal rolls in first, and waits to start
hitting the palm thrusts and European uppercuts upon his re-entry. Morrus
spears forward, and uses a ground and pound technique, looking seriously
pissed. Regal pokes him in the eyes, stops to plead innocence with the ref,
before moving to the corner to work Morrus over some more. Regal works a
headlock on the mat, grinding his elbow into the ears because he’s a dick. Upon
release, Morrus hits a boot to the face, and starts running over Regal with
clotheslines. Morrus heads up for No Laughing Matter, but Regal pops up and
powerbombs him from the reverse position and gets the pin to retain at 5:06. That was fantastic. Post-match,
Regal tells us to forget the nWo, the Horsemen, and the Dungeon, because he’s
all alone and kicking ass. ***

Meanwhile, over in the
world of nWo Saturday Night…

Height: 5’9”

Weight: 210 & 1/2

Reach: 15 1/3”

Fist: 15

Hometown: Flooring, IL

Pro Record: It ain’t much

Studying “Dance Art” at
Skivies Dance downtown

Because of his lack of a
track record, Sunshine isn’t worthy of a ring entrance. SYXX is our ring announcer, THE
OUTSIDERS work the commentary, and DOCTOR
X referees.

Hall notes Giant’s
beautiful hair, with his recent change in conditioner. Sunshine throws himself
at the Giant like a tennis ball, but gets clobbered all over the ring. A Baldo
Bomb leaves Sunshine worse for wear, and Bagwell throws in a taped fist shot.
The referee, after a brief discussion with Bagwell, decides it was legal. The
Giant goes to the mat to try some shoot style wrestling, and hooks a “large
package” for 2. Nash: “KC has blonde hair and dark eyebrows, he must be dying
those eyebrows.” KC hits the floor, where Syxx chops away at the poor jobber,
and Bagwell laughs at him. Giant does the world’s laziest version of La
Magistral (you probably don’t believe me, but I swear!), before palming KC’s
head like a bowling ball to throw him around. Bagwell slides into the ring as
Giant holds KC in place, and gives him a play by play how-to instructional on
how to do a Chokeslam. This is easily the highlight of the match, as it takes
nearly a minute, with Giant talking him through each step, eventually getting
the pin.

In case you needed to see
the Roddy Piper segment from Nitro one more time, in full, we play it again.

Duggan’s waving his flag
around like a bloody lunatic, and nearly takes the head of poor Taylor off in
the process. Off the bell, Duggan dumps Taylor over the top, but fails to draw
a DQ because WCW makes no sense. Taylor pulls Duggan to the floor for a little
brawling, but promptly gets himself thrown into the ring post. The world’s
ugliest American cheerleader starts a USA chant, before taking a jawbreaker
across the top rope. A snapmare leads to a headlock, where Duggan’s eyes and
tongue take on a life of their own. Duggan elbows his way out of the hold, and
drops Taylor with a shoulderblock. A knee to the midsection allows Taylor to
put the headlock back on. Duggan fights out again, so Taylor pokes him in the
eyes. Duggan sells for a second, but stomps around like a Nazi on speed. Taylor
rapidly puts a stop to that, and re-applies a headlock. Duggan gets to his
feet, so Taylor rocks him with a European uppercut! I was waiting for it! Then
back to the headlock, because Taylor’s amazing. Duggan gets loose, so Taylor
snapmares him and puts the headlock on for a 5th time. I know this
must be driving most viewers at home nuts, but I’m loving every second of
Taylor’s dickery. Duggan escapes, and finally gets away long enough to punch
Taylor 10 times in the corner. Taylor takes a big step forward, and falls on
his face. However, it was a ruse, and he pops up like a torpedo, and promptly
applies his 6th headlock. Duggan fights loose, screams at the
referee to get off his back, and dives at Taylor, face first into the buckle.
Taylor heads up, so Duggan tapes his fist up, and levels him on the way down
for the pin at 6:11. Dave Taylor is
a god amongst men. **1/2

Our main event segment
features ARN ANDERSON, by himself in
the locker room. About 2 years ago, he was in Japan wrestling, and saw a young
guy named Chris Benoit, and knew immediately “that’s a Horseman”. He went to
WCW to get him hired, and Benoit’s exceeded all expectations since his arrival.
He told Benoit that anything he wanted was his, just reach out and take it.
However, there’s an unwritten rule that applies to every aspect of a man’s
life. #1 – you take care of your family. #2 – you don’t mess around in another
man’s family. Arn says with his age and wisdom, he can tell Chris that there’s
going to come a time when he’s a nobody, and no one will have any interest in
getting his autograph. And whether he walks away from the sport on his own
terms, or is rolled away in a wheelchair, the one constant will be his family.
So he closes by asking if destroying Kevin Sullivan’s life is worth losing his
soul.