BoD RAW

11th November 2014 by Scott Keith

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Before the show we see the local authorities talking with GM Bayless. They alert him that they have a manhunt going on for Hoss and dropped off an “Ice Cream Deprivation Chamber.” This device gives off scents of chocolate, caramel, and peanut butter to lure the subject inside. Once inside, the device locks and the subject is inside the padded interior with nothing but unflavored and low-fat plain frozen yogurt, kaleidoscopes of fresh veggies and fruit, and Yanni on non-stop repeat. The authorities place the machine in the corner of the stage.

The GM walks to the ring. The administration is right behind him. The GM wastes no time as he grabs the mic:

” With BoD Survivor Series just two weeks away, I have made a few matches. First, we will have a traditional 5 vs 5 BoD Survivor Series match and it will be a first ever Champions vs. Challengers match. The BoD Tag Team Champions, Writer’s Champion, Solid B+ Player Champion, and C-List Champion will face off against the #1 contenders. As of now, the only confirmed challenger is Kaptain Kiwi. The rest of the challengers and champions will be determined tonight.

But more importantly, the main event of Survivor Series is another 5 vs. 5 traditional BoD Survivor Series match as Our Champion, Jobber123, will captain a team that will contain his Job Mob to take on the Fuj and Adam Curry & Kyle Warne & Cabspaintedyellow. Each captain will have to pick their final partner for this match.

And finally, a $25,000 bounty has been placed on Archie Stackhouse. And I dont care who gets it as I will give it to you in cash on the spot. Tonight, my administration will get the first crack as Bill Ray & Average Joe Everyman against this so-called Riverdale Covenant.”

The GM and his Administration leave and head to the back as the road to BoD Survivor Series has been paved.

BoD C List Championship Match
Night81 vs. DBSM (Champion)

DBSM comes to the ring with his posse consisting of Harvey Grant, the guy who played Waldo from “Family Matters,” and most importantly, Mark Linn-Baker. Winner of this match will be on the Champion side of the 5 vs. 5 match. DBSM and Night81 lock up and end up in the ropes. The ref steps in between them but Night cheapshots DBSM and takes control. DBSM reverses an Irish Whip and catches Night with a back elbow smash. DBSM gets two with a backbreaker then stretches out Night. The camera shows Mark Linn-Baker and the guy who played Waldo on “Family Matters” in the fourteenth row as they wave to the camera while eating a corn dog. DBSM heads up top but Night knocks him down. Night climbs up and they brawl for a bit. Night gets shoved off but gets back up and cuts DBSM off again before hitting a superplex. He covers but that only gets two. Night starts kicking the back of DBSM, who never has to pay extra for avocado on his Subway sandwich as a perk of that C-List title. Night tries to put away DBSM with a spinebuster but that fails. Harvey Grant sees the crowd cheering and he……………..PUTS ON HIS GOGGLES!!!!!!!!! DBSM feels the power of the goggles as he breaks free of the chinlock by picking up Night and ramming him into the corner. DBSM slugs away as Night is in trouble. DBSM whips Night against the ropes and flattens him with a clothesline then picks him up and slams him down as he sets up for the Banzai Drop and he connects! 1……………2……………………………….3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DBSM RETAINS THE C-LIST TITLE!!!!!!!!!!!! And he is joined in the ring by his friends. And look as they are all celebrating:

That’s right big cat, Linn-Baker is the centerpiece of this posse.

Backstage, a line a mile long is in front of the GM’s office as they are complaining about Land monster eating all of the food. Assistant GM Justice Gray also alerts the GM that Land Monster intercepted his baked chicken and brown rice dinner as the GM has had enough. The GM is then interrupted by Trunk Barlow & Roth Munson who are out of breath and panicking. The GM asks the two dipshits what is wrong as they tell him Landmonster has broken into the “reserves.” The GM and Gray immediately get up and run away.

In the Luxurious Top 5 Lounge, Jobber and the Job Mob have approached Parallax:

Jobber: Hey man, good win at BoD Hell in a Cell. I knew Cultstatus wasn’t shit.

Parallax: (Less than amused) Yeah, you called it.

Jobber: Well, I came by to tell you about how much we have in common.

Parallax: (Sarcastically) Did you?

Jobber: I did. And, I need a 5th partner for my team at the Survivor Series. Plus, I heard that the Fuj picked Cultstatus as his partner and thought since you were familiar with kicking his ass that you could help me out.

Parallax: (Surprised) Cultstatus is on Team Fuj?

Jobber: Yep. And without a title match on the card, thought you might want part of the biggest pay day on the show.

Parallax: You know what, I accept. Not because I like you, because I don’t, but because I am going to destroy Cultstatus once and for all.

(Parallax then walks away as he hands Zanatude is empty water cup).

In the ring is Andy PG as he is expecting Tommy’s paycheck. Tommy comes out to the ring in a beatup shirt featuring the Anaheim Angels’ rally monkey. Oh man, Tommy cannot even afford a throwback. His pants are loose as he cannot afford those “pick two’s” at Panera Bread. Tommy sits at the table, looking sad as he just signs over his paycheck and leaves as a e-book dollar falls out of his Dollar Store sweatpants. Wow, Tommy did not even put up a fight. He just hung his head in shame as he walks away. As Tommy leaves, new BoD Writer’s Champion “Marvelous” Matt Perri and Miss Danielle come to the ring. Danielle jokingly sprays mist from a bottle as Perri mocks the Stranger’s poses. Perri taunts the fans but Andy interrupts:

Andy: You know, what you did to Stranger was chickenshit! The only way you could win was for your woman to interfere.

Perri: I rate that a 4/10, Andy. Much like your BoD Career. And who are you to interrupt my celebration. I dont care what kind of paycheck you got from the jabroni with the illegitimate currency. I am the premiere writer of the BoD.

Andy: Is that right. And a clever 4/10 comeback. That takes a lot from a man with a cat wearing sunglasses as an avatar. You steal that from your sister’s Trapper Keeper?

Perri: Okay, Andy. Forget the #1 contender’s match. I am making you the #1 contender to MY CHAMPIONSHIP! And at BoD Survivor Series, you will be the first to go.

Andy: Not only will I eliminate you but I will have that paper championship in my hands.

Backstage, world renowned timekeeper Mister E Mahn has all 11 of the South Asian Timekeeper Awards he was nominated for as his award total is up to 34. Barlow & Munson put them on his desk.

#1 Contender Match for the C-List Title

MikeyMike vs. Biscuit!

The wily veteran Biscuit attacks Mike before the bell. He hammers away and stomps a mudhole in Mike in the corner. Biscuit hits a running knee smash and is now choking out Mike with his foot. Dropkick by Biscuit gets two then he uses a hammerlock on the mat. Mike reaches the ropes then Biscuit stomps his fingers. He drops a knee on Mike and goes back to work on the mat. Biscuit breaks as he picks up Mikey and puts him in a tree of woe. Biscuit charges but Mike is able to get himself off and rolls up Biscuit for two. Biscuit misses a clothesline and gets kicked in the face as a result. Mike has the momentum as he is hammering away. He backdrops Biscuit then sets up for the shining wizard and connects. Brainbuster gets two. Mike heads up top but Biscuit knocks him off and takes him down and slams him off. Biscuit kicks Mike in the back and heads up top but misses an elbow drop. They both get up slowly and trade punches until Biscuit catches him with a sleeper. Mikey breaks that up with a jawbreaker then bounces off of the ropes and hits a dropkick. Mike then picks up Biscuit but he floats over. Biscuit tries a reverse rollup but that is blocked then Mike charges and hits a back elbow smash. Mike then heads up top and connects with the moonsault and gets the win! He is now the #1 contender and part of the traditional 5 vs. 5 Champions vs. Challengers match.

A Maserati pulls up to the arena. Out comes Jef Vinson and his whore of a valet. Vinson wastes no time as he slaps around Rockstar Gary’s #1 Fan before heading inside. Vinson seems determined tonight.

Backstage, Land Monster is getting yelled at by the other wrestlers for eating all of the food. Mar Solo takes the rest of the coffee and drinks it all in record time. He then jumps around and heads to the ring for his match…………………..which doesnt take place until next week. The GM yells at the Turkey Loaf eating neanderthal as she has the “reserves” in her back. The GM pulls them out, because she is too fat to run over and stop him, and its revealed to be…………………………………ICE CREAM. OH MY GOD, LANDMONSTER BROKE INTO THE GM’S ICE CREAM RESERVE BANK THAT WAS MEANT FOR HOSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the hallway, the Midcard Mafia are having a discussion. They learned that they will still be the #1 contender’s and part of the 5 vs. 5 Traditional Survivor Series Champions vs. Challengers match. Piers said he might be ready to return in a few weeks as Ferrari tells him that he had the titles won last week. Magoonie discusses the matter at hand but Ferrari tells Piers that if he is not ready to compete then he should stay home because he cost them the titles. Piers and Ferrari argue as Magoonie steps in between. Ferrari then says that he has hi own transportation and will not be paying for the Yaris this week. How can Magoonie & Piers afford to pay for this?

We have just learned that the GM has started a Tag Team Tournament that will begin next week. The matchups are as follows:

Curtzerker vs. The Drivers

Dancin’ Devin Harris & Lil James vs. WWF1987 & Bobby

Strike Force vs. Paul Meekin & White Thunder

Abeyance & thebraziliankid vs. RIPSHIT KILLERS

After the announcements, the “HUSS” section starts a boisterous chant!! HUSS!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!

The camera shows Biff Kensington III in the luxury boxes. He bought them all out again this week and gives a thumbs up signal before diving into what appears to be a pile of cocaine. Money will do that to you.

Bill Ray, Rockstar Gary, and Joe Everyman vs The Riverdale Covenant

The music of White Coat Security hits, but Bill Ray is alone. He looks around the ramp on the way to the ring, clutching his baseball bat. Grabs the mic as he enters the ring.

“STACKHOUSE! Alright, Archie. Let’s settle this thing! I don’t know where Gary and Joe are, and I don’t care! Send out your little varsity boys and after I turn those jackets completely red with their own blood, you’re next! You don’t know who you’re dealing with, Archie. You talk about your demented relationship with Caliber Winfield, but you threatened Bayless. You threatened the man who made you a part of all this, the man who took me from the gutter and gave me purpose. You threaten my people, you threaten me! I AM BILL RAY; by the end of tonight, you will know my name if I have to take away your precious Jughead and use that barbed wire to carve it into your forehead!”

Bill Ray is FIRED UP! He pounds the turnbuckles with the bat, screaming ‘Come on out, motherfucker!’

The Riverdale theme song, Barbara Ann by the Beach Boys, fires up! It’s Archie with the Riverdale Covenant….carrying the bloodied and unconscious bodies of Rockstar Gary and Joe Everyman! Archie smiles! He’s got a mic!

“You seem to be alone, Bill Ray. No one here to save you. None of Bayless’ lackeys to protect you.

Last chance, Bill Ray. Walk away from this.”

Bill Ray grabs the mic. “Archie, listen to me right now, because I don’t plan to repeat myself. You can stack the odds however you want, you insane piece of trash! I’ve still got this (he cradles the bat lovingly), so I can tell you this right now: no matter what happens in his ring tonight, at some point, Archie…..I’m going to hurt you.”

Stackhouse’s grin drops into a sneer! Bill Ray is on fire! Stackhouse taps Hot Dog on the shoulder; Hot Dog smiles and walks to the ring, trashtalking Bill all the way! He removes his jacket and gets in the ring! The referee rings the bell and we’re underway; lockup! Bill Ray with the headlock! It’s a 9.0 Orton headlock; Hot Dog is turning purple! Shoots him off the ropes; Bill Ray with the lariat! HE ALMOST RIPPED OFF HOT DOG’S HEAD WITH THAT ONE! Bill Ray picks him up: Brainbuster! Bill Ray picks him up again; Brainbuster! Cover while staring at the rest of the Covenant on the stage – 1,2,3! Archie taps Reggie next – Reggie rushes the ring! Clothesline to Bill Ray! BILL RAY POPS RIGHT BACK UP! Kick to the stomach of Reggie! Bill Ray ties Reggie’s arms behind his back with Reggie’s Letterman jacket and tees off on him! Left, right, left, right, left, right….OPEN PALM STRIKE! BILL RAY GOES LIGER!! WHERE HAS THIS BILL RAY BEEN?? Reggie is OUT. Bill Ray drops on top of Reggie – 1,2,3! Stackhouse is ANGRY! Time for Moose – he’s HUGE. The referee is helping Reggie out of the ring as Moose rolls in…Bill Ray has been watching the referee the whole time, and now he’s GOT THE BAT! Bill Ray with a batshot to Moose’s head! Moose is BUSTED WIDE OPEN! HE CAN BARELY STAND! Bill Ray with a standing enzuguri! Moose doesn’t go down! Another! A 3rd! Moose goes down! Bill Ray to the top rope, still watching Archie and Nebb on the stage….double stomp to Moose’s head! Moose’s forehead is a wine-coated roadmap to HELL! Bill Ray locks on the STREETFIGHT SHARPSHOOTER (Sharpshooter while stepping on the victim’s neck)! Moose taps!

On the stage, Archie throws his jacket on the ground! Nebb starts to head to the ring, but Archie composes himself, smiles a broad grin, and shakes his head. STACKHOUSE IS HEADING TO THE RING! Bill Ray is ready! He’s whipping the bat around…..Hot Dog from behind with the ringbell! Bill Ray goes down! Reggie has come to and is joining in the beatdown! Archie hits the ring, twirling Jughead. Hot Dog and Reggie hold up Bill Ray as Archie gets in his face. “I TOLD YOU TO WALK AWAY FROM THIS!!” Bill Ray SPITS in Archie’s face! Oh, I wouldn’t have done that….Archie grins and LEVELS Bill Ray with Jughead! He gets on top of him and drives Jughead into his head! Again! BILL RAY’S FACE IS BROKEN IN PIECES! He’s a bloody mess! Archie and Covenant limp away wounded, but still leaving Bill Ray in a puddle of his own blood. THIS FEUD IS NOT OVER!

Landmonster has waddled her fat ass to the ramp with her sack of melted ice cream. She manages to make it up to the plaform and takes out the special spoon! THAT IS HOSS’S SCOOPIN’ SPOON!!!!!!!! Landmonster tries to eat the ice cream but almost falls over as the entire building shakes. It is still shaking as Landmonster appears to be still but what is this. A loud machine is heading towards the ramp. What is it? BY GAWD, IT’S THE BEN AND JERRY’S TRUCK. HOSS IS BACK!!!! HOSS IS BACK!!!!!!!!!! Hoss drives and hits the platform as Landmonster flies off of the stage but has 450 lbs of body fat to break her fall. A pint of Peanut Butter cup falls into the Ice Cream Deprivation Machine. Landmonster slowly crawls inside and gets it but the sensors go off and the doors immediately shut! LANDMONSTER HAS BEEN TRAPPED. Hoss angrily gets out of the truck and grabs his scoopin’ spoon. Hoss now grabs the giant bowl from the truck and heads on top of the truck with his giant bowl and scoopin’ spoon.! A few fans have climbed the railing and are now throwing the pints of ice cream as Hoss catches them and in one fluid motion scoops the conents from the pint into his giant bowl. HOSS IS HAVING HIS STONE COLD MOMENT WITH THE BEN AND JERRY’S TRUCK AND THE FANS ARE GOING WILD!!!!!!!!!!

The Fuj is in the ring. He says that he is here to introduce the final partner for his Survivor Series team. He says that he knows this man well and they have more in common than we think. The Fuj then announces his partner and it is…………………………………JEF VINSON!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoa! I thought it was Cultstatus? Parallax signed on as part of Team Jobber as he thought he would be going up against Cultstatus. Last time the GM tried to have Parallax attack Vinson, he left the ring. What will happen at BoD Survivor Series? TUNE INTO TO FIND OUT

BoD Survivor Series Card:

Team Jobber (Jobber, Big Dirty Murph, Zanatude, Stuart Chartock, Parallax) vs. Team Fuj (The Fuj, Adam Curry, Kyle Warne, Cabspaintedyellow, and Jef Vinson

Champions (Hart Killer 09 & “Marvelous” Matt Perri & DBSM & Upper Midcard Express) vs. Challengers (Kaptain Kiwi & Andy PG & Mikey Mike & Steve Ferrari & Magoonie)