BoD RAW

15th July 2014 by Scott Keith
Rants
This has nothing to do with the WWE. I would also like to thank CoolTrainerBret for his help. 

GM Bayless comes out with the Adminstration. He grabs the mic and appears to have a lot to say:

“After being away last week for personal issues, I am back now. And don’t you forget what I said two weeks ago. I will be challenging for the BoD Heavyweight Championship Tonight. And if I actually lose, that midcard mongrel who likes to refer to himself as Magoonie, challenged me to a match at BoD Battlegroud. Whatever, pal. I could kick his ass while eating a BoD Superstars Ice Cream Bar.
Now, in just six days, we have BoD Battleground. I have to make a whole card tonight. I have made some matches already:
  • 20 Man Pre Show Battle Royal to determine the #1 Contender for the BoD C-List Championship. The winner will get a title shot as soon as the belt arrives in the mail
  • Mar Solo vs. Jesse Baker in a Last Man Standing Match
  • Stranger in the Alps vs. Tommy Hall for the BoD Writer’s Championship
  • Upper Midcard Express vs. Jef Vinson and a mystery partner for the BoD Tag Titles
  • And our main event, Parallax & Jobber vs. Cultstatus & The Fuj
And tonight, we have a full slate of matches including the #1 contender’s match for the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship between Joe Dust and YJ2310. Also (The GM gets cut off by Nick Piers of the Midcard Mafia).
Piers: I have heard just about enough of you. For months, you have been afraid to put me on the show. Afraid that I will get over with the crowd. Afraid that I just might take down each and every member of your Administration.
Bayless: You actually think you worry me? And to think that you could beat any member of my administration by yourself. I keep you away from TV because no one wants to see a joke like yourself on TV. You belong back in the Job Squad and wiping the tires down on my cars. And don’t you think I forgot about you and your speculating a few months ago.
Piers: That is an awful lot of talk but since you are so sure that I will lose to your precious Administration, how about you book me in a match against them? Why are you scared, bookerman? Why don’t you tell the crowd what is the reason is for you not putting me in a match?
(The crowd starts to get on the GM’s case)
Bayless: Okay, is that what you want. You insubordinate turd, you will get your match that you desperately crave and when you lose……………..YOU’RE FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Piers: (laughs) That will not happen and pick any member of your crew to be the first to run into the brick wall!
Folks, we have a match for tonight on this jam-packed edition of BoD RAW
Joe Dust vs YJ2310
YJ2310 continues to have the worst year ever, and it might not be any better if the motivated Joedust can get a win here to put him back in line for the B+ title. YJ and Joedust exchange moves of the midcard to upper midcard variety, looking for an edge. Neckbreaker! Spinebuster! Abdominal Stretch! Big-Air Dropkick! Mounted 10 Punches in the corner! Delayed Suplex! Joedust looks for an early Dust Crusher(Fisherman’s Brainbuster), but YJ2310 punches out of it! Head and Arm Suplex! 1….2….NO! YJ works over Joedust with submission offense of the midcard to upper midcard variety. Single Leg Crab! Joedust gets the ropes. Anaconda Clutch! Joedust gets the ropes. Sitting Reverse Armbar! Joedust powers out, and comes back with a Russian Legsweep/Forward Legsweep combo! 1….2….NO! Joedust attempts a logical argument backed by numbers and facts as to why YJ should just lose already, but YJ ignores it! Idaho Elbows! Enzuigiri! YJ looks for the finish, going up for the Auckland Airstrike(Top Rope Senton Splash), but overshoots the target! UNLUCKY! Joedust gets up, and the two slug it out, but a Joedust kick to the stomach hits balls instead! Ref thought it was a stomach attack! No DQ! UNLUCKY! Dust Crusher to YJ! 1….2…..3! Joedust steals one! After the match, YJ2310 grabs the mic:
“As you all know, I have had a horrible year. It has been the worst year in recorded history according to some. After this loss tonight, I know what I must do. I used to be Mr. Top 13 and now, I am lonely at #15. That is two spots I went down. So, to remedy this situation, I will go down……………to the country near the land down under. I will seek out the master himself in Auckland and then hope that he will take me in and show me his masterful ways. I know this is all I have left and if he says no, then I will continue to have the worst year ever and probably the worst life ever.”
Backstage, Tommy Hall is in the writer’s locker room. He has the petition to ban the Can Opener, which is the finishing maneuver of Stranger in the Alps. GM Bayless said that if the majority of the writers voted yes, then the move would be banned. Hall has made newbies Chris Fothergill-Brown, Dock Muraco, and Brian Piccolo sign by bribing them with illegitimate e-book currency. They are too new to realize that it is not actual currency. He tries to get Matt Perri to sign but he blows him off while wearing his new attire, consisting of a headband and a robe with “Marvelous” written on the back. Kyle Fitta blows him off and walks away. Andy PG is approached by the Lord of the e-book, decked out in his Bob Hamelin throwback, but Andy says he will never sign that. Hall tells Andy that he will pay for his decision. 
Nick Piers vs Member of the Administration
Piers awaits his opponent with the steadfastness of a brick wall, and it appears to be the Corporate Custodian Garth Holmberg! Odd choice. Can Holmberg leave those bricks alone? Holmberg charges. but Piers walls any and all attempts at offense. Holberg swings wildly and scolds Piers for walking in the ring with boots on. Piers punches him in the face. Holmberg attacks, attacks, and attacks, but hes a wrestler working in a side profession against a guy with an actual gimmick, so hes pretty much screwed. Holmberg even tries a breakdancing legsweep trip, learned from the people who mess up his perfectly mopped floor with their jeans and their anti-social antics and their heroin, but PIERS AIN’T GOING DOWN BABEE! HES A WALL! Holmberg then desperately goes for the Bleach Solution(Springboard Ruff Ryder), but Piers folds him in half with a powerbomb! Holy FUCK! We have our first BoDtchamania moment people. Holmberg is facing the prospect of sure paralysis, but hes a low-end heel, so Piers casually polishes him off with the Bricklayer(Gorilla Press Spinebuster) for the solid win. WILL THEY SHAKE HANDS IN THE LOCKER ROOM AFTERWARDS? DOWNLOAD THE BOD APP TO FIND OUT!

A package as arrived to the Luxurious Top 5 Lounge. It is for Abeyance and the delivery person instructs him to sign for the package. He pulls it out and it is a new keyboard. Abeyance wore out his last one, purchased three weeks ago, due to an overload of posts on the BoD. The instructions read to not take out the protective peeling until it is plugged into the computer. A servant plugs it in and pulls of the peeling, as Abeyance is able to use the computer. He clicks on the BoD and begins to type but his hands are now stuck on the keyboard!!!!! The producer of “Welcome to the BoD” walks over and says it is time to go to air as Abeyance is attempting to pry the keyboard off of his fingers. He tries smashing it against the wall but it won’t break as it is showtime.

The camera cuts to the set of the talk show as Hoss is there by himself laughing hysterically. Hoss grabs the mic:

” HA HA HA HA HA. ABEYANCE YOU NERD I PUT SUPER GLUE ALL OVER THAT KEYBOARD. HA HA HA HA HA HA NOW YOU HAVE A KEYBOARD STUCK TO YOUR HANDS!!!!!!!! AND YOUR FRIEND IN THE WHEELCHAIR WITH BROKEN ARMS CANNOT PULL THEM OFF!!!!!!!! AND WHEN YOU SIGNED FOR THE PACKAGE, YOU REALLY SIGNED A CONTRACT TO FACE ME AT BoD BATTLEGROUND IN A MATCH WHERE YOU HAVE YOUR HANDS TIED BEHIND YOUR BACK. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, I STOLE YOUR TICKET TO THE BoD ICE CREAM SOCIAL AND THAT MEANS THERE IS ONE LESS PERSON I HAVE TO SHAKE DOWN IN LINE!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA”

Jobber123 vs Harry Broadhurst
Broadhurst spends his intro reminding people he was in the Battle Royale for the C-List title, since Bayless himself seemed to have forgotten. Jobber either waves to the crowd or yells at them, depending on his mood. Broadhurst opens the match with an electrifying exchange of jobber offense, as backstage cameras cut to the Prince of Nigeria and Mikey Mike (holding a UPS slip for the C-List title) watching the match with interest. Jobber lets Broadhurst have a bit of offense, but we all know hes just trying to make Broadhurst not look like a total scrub, and indeed, Jobber counters a Broadhurst sleeperhold by applying one of his own! THE IRONY! Back Suplex! Regular Suplex! Snapmare! Chinlock! Surfboard Stretch! Headlock Takeover! Bulldog! Jobber’s in rare form tonight. Atomic Drop! Broadhurst holds his ass in agony like his surname was Arison, Riley, Spoelstra, and/or Wade! Atomic Drop again, although this time to the turnbuckles instead of the knee. Uh oh, Jobber’s going for a maneuver on the top ropes, this could get dangerous……BACK SUPERPLEX! What a maneuver! 1….2…..3! Forget about it! Jobber with the easy W!
Cooltrainer Bret looks at the vending machine. Just because he is a diabolical monster who was implied to have killed two Detroit cops and a bunch of cameramen, that doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy a nice, quality ginger ale. Suddenly, Archie Stackhouse comes out of nowhere and attacks from the front, trying to rip off the mask! Bret refuses to let him have it, using Jew-Jitsu to escape. Suddenly, he throws Stackhouse against the wall and works over the ribs! Mmmmmmmm, ribs. Stackhouse tries knees to the testicles! Bret tries mask-aided headbutts! ITS A PIER TEN! Generic members of White Coat Security arrive to break up the brawl, but they aren’t enough! BURNING LARIAT! GENERIC ERIC OF WHITE COAT SECURITY HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED! Stackhouse takes homerun swings with a hockey stick to clear the Security, but Bret breaks through and tackles Stackhouse! HERE COMES THE FORK! STACKHOUSE IS GOUGED! Security pulls Bret off, but Archie gets up and jyudo throws Bret ass first through the vending machine, tearing the shoulder of his red and white flame jacket! BRET IS PISSED! BUS DRIVER UPPERCUT TO STACKHOUSE! Suddenly, the cops come to help the clearly overwhelmed security! Hopefully they aren’t from Detroit……oh good, they’re from LA, so presumably both men can bribe them to avoid jail time. Both men are cuffed! Bret double birds the camera! The hell was that about, besides a well-received feud about to go to the next level?

GM Bayless is backstage and tells his Assisant GM and Director of Operation and Paper Goods, Justice Gray, that at BoD Battleground, CoolTrainerBret will face Archie Stackhouse in a Boiler Room Brawl as we cannot have these to fight near the general public.

White Thunder vs. Beard Money


OH MY. WHITE THUNDER DONE GUNNA MESS WITH A COUNTRY BOY!!!!!! Match starts with Thunder doing the drunken Flair strut but PrimeTime Ten and Paul Meekin run into the ring and attack Beard Money as this was a set up!!!!!! Its a 3 on 1 attack until Adam Curry & Kyle Warne run in for the save. As the good guys clear the ring, GM Bayless comes out and orders a six-man tag for BoD Battleground.

BoD Heavyweight Championship Match
Cultstatus (Champion) vs. GM Bayless


The GM comes out solo, which is odd. Cult wins the lockup and works a hammerlock until Bayless reaches the ropes. Cult works a headlock then hits Bayless with a lariat, who rolls outside for a breather. Bayless comes back in and locks up but is able to go behind Cult and back him into the corner. Bayless lands a cheapshot then stomps away on Cult. Bayless uses the Five moves of Garea (jumping side headlock takeover, hiptoss, backdrop, cross body, and a dropkick) with three more jumping side headlock takeovers. That would put out an above average man but not our beloved champ. Bayless goes up top but misses an elbow drop. Cult takes control and chops the shit out of our GM. Cult presses Bayless above his head and drops him down. Average Joe Everyman and Bill Ray come out to distract Cult but end up getting booted off of the apron. Bayless comes back and hits Cult from behind then an Irish whip is reversed as Cult goes into the referee and knocks him down. Garth Holmberg runs out with Molly the Mop and puts it in the champs face. Gosh Hopkins runs out and hands the GM the Haldol Needle but from the crowd comes out Steve Ferrari and Magoonie. They destroy Hopkins and the rest of the Administration. Magoonie turns his attention to the GM and flips him off before hitting the dreaded Magooniplex!!!! The MCM roll Bayless into the ring and Cult hits the jackknife for the win. Now, the GM will face Magoonie at BoD Battleground. But wait, Parallax and Jobber come out and assault the champ. They drag him outside but the MCM help out the champ untill they are outnumbered by the Administration. The crowd goes apeshit as the Fuj comes out and cleans house as the BoD arena has turned into a Warzone. TUNE INTO BoD BATTLEGROUND THIS SUNDAY AT 6:05 PM EST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BoD Battleground Card


Cultstatus & The Fuj vs. Parallax & Jobber
Hart Killer 09 vs. Joe Dust for the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship
Upper Midcard Express vs. Jef Vinson & ??????? for the BoD Tag Team Titles
Tommy Hall vs. Stranger in the Alps for the BoD Writer’s Championship
Magoonie vs. GM Bayless
Archie Stackhouse vs. CoolTrainer Bret in a Boiler Room Brawl
Abeyance vs. Todd “Hoss” Lorenz with Abeyance having his hands tied behind his back
Jesse Baker vs. Mar Solo in a Last Man Standing Match
PrimeTime Ten & Paul Meekin & White Thunder vs. Beard Money & Adam Curry & Kyle Warne
20 Man Battle Royal for a shot at the BoD C-List Title (Can be redeemed when the title actually arrives to the champion in the mail)