Welcome to the Tuesday Thing Where I Talk About Wrestling.
How’s everyone feeling tonight? Are we likin’ the AJ returning for the title thing? How about Bo Dall–you know what? I’m not going there.
We’ve already gone 12 Rounds. Starring Randy Orton. Rated R. At your local Best Buy…
Hey, we’re in a new realm. Everyone’s favorite A+ Player, John Cena, having beaten up everyone, including your parents and their pets, has become the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.
Last night’s RAW started well and, then, as per usual, got drunk as fuck, fell asleep at the wheel and flew off the cliff again. The only reason I think I watch anymore is because I like this thing between Ambrose and Seth Rollins.
So, let’s start…and then, if you want, you can discuss the show below and tell me how the recap is too long, argue about grades vs. stars, and elaborate on how much I suck.
We are LIVE(!) from Newark, New Jersey!
Tom Phillips and Byron Saxton are your guys on the mic.
Paul Heyman is in the ring next to Sagat from Street Fighter II…oh, no, it’s just Cesaro, wearing a nice, big eye patch from an injury received in his match with Kofi Kingston. These guys really need to stop paying so rough.
Heyman says he promised that his client was a conqueror — just like Brock Lesnar, blah blah blah. It doesn’t get nearly as much heat as it used to. The problem was that he over-delivered and Kofi “intentionally blinded” Cesaro, so he won’t get to wrestle “perennial runner-up” Dolph Ziggler tonight. He shows us the “evidence”, showing Kofi beating Cesaro that we didn’t actually got to see. The bloody screams you heard were the producers falling on their swords for that slip-up.
More footage is shown, showing Cesaro beating Kingston within an inch of his life.
He is interrupted by Dolph Ziggler. He doesn’t like being called a “perennial runner-up” — especially since he was a Money in the Bank contract case winner and cashed it in for the Championship — and won it. He also won the IC Title. Ziggler asks how many times Cesaro did ANY of that.
Spoiler alert: “A BIG, FAT ZERO”.
Martin Luther E comes out, carrying a mic and he will-a, have-a a chance-a, to win-a back his-a CHAMPIONSHIP-A!
RybAxel hits the ring with mics. Both men say they’re in the Battle Royal, too.
RVD is out and–we’re not doing this with every single guy, right? RVD says he admires everyone’s accomplishments — except RybAxel. The only thing Ryback is famous for is copying RVD’s ring gear. But, they’re ALL good.
RybAxel attacks but Ziggler, Big E and RVD clear the ring.
Harper says they’re coming. Run. Sheep mask.
NEXT: The Wyatts are in action.
We get a promo for the Vickie Guerrero highlight show which is “exclusive” to the WWE Network. And they wonder why they’re not at 1 Million subscribers yet.
TONIGHT: It was originally supposed to be Ziggler and Cesaro but, now, it’s Ziggler, Big E and RVD vs. Cesaro & RybAxel…wait…I thought Cesaro couldn’t wrestle tonight.
Tom Phillips and Byron Saxton talk about The Miz’s return to the ring which lead to Jericho’s come back which lead to Jericho getting his ass kicked by the Wyatts because nothing fully sells a Superstar’s comeback then to feed him to a monster stable.
MATCH #1: R-Truth & Xavier Woods vs. Luke Harper & Erick Rowan
Harper starts with Woods and gets a dropkick. Tag to Truth and he hits a kick but Harper comes back by hitting a huge boot and a chop, then tagging Rowan. Rowan slams Truth and tosses him to the corner but Truth escapes and tags Woods who botches a Sunset Flip and starts hitting forearms and kick. Rowan tries to toss Woods out of the ring but Woods hits the mat on the other side and drops Rowan’s neck on the ropes. He hits a nice DDT and gets two but Rowan comes back and kicks his head off. Truth tries to get in the ring but Harper dispatches him. Rowan hits his Side Slam for the win at 2:35.
WINNERS: The Wyatts
GRADE: D+. Eh. Your usual squash match.
TONIGHT: Clips from Cena and Triple H.
THE TRAILER FOR ROAD TO PALOMA STARRING THE GUY FROM GAME OF THRONES WHO LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE ROMAN REIGNS.
We get clips of the insipidly-booked match. All the potential for a re-match at Battleground, WASTED in one minute.
BTW, this next match is a re-match from last night’s shitty Divas match. Or not. Steph suddenly appears on the Jumbotron live via Undisclosed Location where Dick Cheney lived during 9/11. She feels bad about last night and wants to give Nikki a partner…it’s Alicia Fox.
MATCH #2: The Funkydactyls (Cameron & Naomi) vs. Nikki Bella & Alicia Fox
Nikki and Naomi start and Nikki dropkicks Naomi out of the ring. Nikki follows and tosses her back inside but Cameron tosses Nikki to the mat by her hair as she tries to get back in. Cameron gets in and she’s all over Nikki, choking her on the ropes and putting her in a double arm-lock. Nikki tags Fox and–no, Fox pulls her hand away, then kicks Nicki in the head?! Cameron gets the pin at 1:36.
WINNERS: The Funkydactyls
GRADE: F. Every single time I give the Divas matches a chance, I get this bullshit.
Renee Young is backstage with Sheamus. He is ready to defend his United States title against anyone at Smackdown. Del Rio shows up and tells Sheamus he’ll be happy to take the belt off Sheamus’s hands.
STILL TO COME: The big 6-man tag where Cesaro can’t wrestle but is.
NEXT: Cena and Triple H face off on RAW.
We get the promised clips of Cena and Triple H and Cena’s subsequent tag match later that evening.
AT BATTLEGROUND: Cena in a Fatal 4-Way against Reigns, Kane and Orton.
Renee Young is with Cesaro and Paul Heyman who calls Young stupid because of her hair dye has gotten to her brain. He is sick of hearing that Cesarois afraid of competition. Tonight, he was forced to compete tonight, unlike guys like Daniel Bryan and Bad News Barrett who would rather “forfeit” than fight. His client can do everything — including talk in five different languages. Cesaro counts to five in all five languages. Then they breathe in Renee’s face which is super creepy.
Ziggler is out for the big tag match…but we’re getting ads and stuff first because nobody wants to see this thing go the entire ten minutes.
MATCH #3: Dolph Ziggler, Rob Van Dam and Big E vs. RybAxel (Ryback and Curtis Axel) & Cesaro (w/ Paul Heyman)
Cesaro has a scratched cornea, I guess. Ouch. Ryback and E start with Ryback kicking E in the corner. He tosses E into the other corner but E comes back with a clothesline and a shoulderblock. E hits a belly to belly suplex and Ryback tags Axel who E hip tosses into the ring. Axel tries to tag Cesaro who is preoccupied with Paul Heyman. Axel lunges at him and slaps his back. E hip tosses him into the ring and tags Ziggler who goes for Cesaro’s injured eye, managing to rip off Cesaro’s eye patch. Cesaro escapes and tags Axel. RVD boots him from the ring and it’s a Pier 6 with five guys in the ring. The faces clear it and we go to break.
We get an ad for the Batista documentary.
We’re back and it’s RVD vs. Axel. Axel dropkicks Axel in the corner and hits a flipping pin for two. Axel regains the upper hand and Ryback is in. Crowd chants for Ziggler as Ryback pounds on RVD and then gets drop-kicked for his troubles. RVD sends him into the corner and punches him, then drops Axel from the mat behind the ropes as Phillips adopts Cole’s “CREATING SEPARATION” line. Don’t be that guy, Tom. Ryback drops RVD’s head on the turnbuckle and it’s a tag to Cesaro who beats on RVD and puts on a headlock. RVD fights out but can’t get the tag and Axel tags back in. He stomps RVD and tags Ryback. They do the double corner splash and Ryback botches the delayed suplex.
Cesaro tags back in and he puts RVD in the corner and then boots Ziggler in the head. Cesaro goes back to work on RVD but RVD kicks at Cesaro and tries to make a tag. Cesaro catches RVD’s foot and drags him to the heel corner where Cesaro tags Axel. After some quick tags between him and Ryback, Ryback slams RVD and goes to the top rope. He misses a huge splash and then oversells the injury like he’s trying to win an Oscar. Hot tag to Ziggler who kicks Cesaro around and then hits the Fame-Asser for a CLOSE fall. Cesaro tries to regain the upper hand but Ziggler hits the Falling DDT for another close three. Axel saves it and everyone’s in the ring. E and RVD take out Ryback and Axel and dive at them outside. Meanwhile, Ziggler hits the Zigg Zagg for the win at 10:51.
WINNERS: Ziggler, Big E and RVD
GRADE: C+. Needlessly overbooked. If Cesaro can go out and wrestle, it should have been a one-on-one match.
The faces celebrate as we go off the air.
OVERALL: C+. Nothing special tonight. But that’s the way of this show.
PG will start your week off right with the PG Era Raw Rant on
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