Last week, we got the Wyatts vs. The Shield for absolute bragging rights.
This week, I have Swagger vs. Big Show in the Battle of the Falling Superstars.
But we’ll make the best of it because at least it’s not Fandango vs. Santino Part 73, an ongoing feud which is both frustrating and puzzling in its longevity. If readers think I’m being too harsh, remember when Fandango beat Jericho at Wrestlemania 29 in a pretty good match?
I do. And what has Santino done in the last five of those?
I rest my case.
But I digress…let’s get going.
Byron Saxton and Tom Phillips are the guys with the call.
And Los Matadores will start us off.
MATCH #1: Los Matadores (Fernando & Diego) (w/ El Torito) vs. 3MB (Jinder Mahal & Drew McIntyre) (w/ Hornswaggle)
Mahal declares themselves “2 1/2MB” tonight. Fernando starts with Mahal and Mahal hits a shoulderblock then gets Frankensteinered by Fernando. Fernando tags Diego. Mahal tags McIntyre. There’s some running around and then Diego actually stops McIntyre from knocking him down because Ole. He chops McIntyre in the corner. In the other corner, Diego tries to follow up but Hornswaggle distracts Diego. Torito tries to charge Hornswaggle and the two end up inside the ring. Torito beats on Hornswaggle. The ref tries to break them up and gets tangled up like earphones in somebody’s pocket after 4 seconds. The ref rings the bell at 2:26.
WINNERS: No contest.
GRADE (Letters): F. What can you say about a match where even Heath Slater wouldn’t show his face?
Post-match, the small guys beat up the bigger ones and each one of them end up getting nailed in the nuts. It’s Torito and Hornswaggle. They go at each other and then their taller counterparts pull them apart.
So…it’s this kinda show, I guess.
A promo for Warrior week.
BOLIEVE. Because nothing spells “wrestling greatness” like a moving version of a cheesy inspirational poster hanging on your office wall.
MATCH #2: Sin Cara vs. Bad News Barrett
Barrett’s got a mic. He’s got some bad news for Sin Cara: there’s no Scooby-Doo to save him because this isn’t a cartoon…but Sin Cara’s still a joke. The crowd agrees somewhat which means that Barrett will turn face Monday and join Paul Heyman, turning heel. The crowd is firmly behind Barrett. Barrett has the early edge but gets dumped out of the ring. Sin Cara hits a dive outside and then kicks Barret in the back. Back in the ring, he goes for a move off the top rope but Barrett knocks him off and Barrett clubs away at him, hitting a kick to his stomach to finish the attack. He tries a side suplex but Sin Cara comes back and hits a series of moves with a Hurricarana. Sin Cars gets whipped into the ropes and hits a back elbow, getting a two count. Cara hits an Enzuguri after Barrett charges at him. Cara goes for a Senton off the ropes but Barrett moves and hits The Winds of Change, then decks him with the Bullhammer for the win at 3:19.
WINNER: Barrett via Bullhammer
GRADE (Letters): C+. Quick and painless.
After a break, we get the Warrior tribute from RAW.
(I don’t want to be cynical here. I think Warrior made peace with many people and most likely exorcised his demons. It’s hard to forget what an asshole he could be behind the scenes — especially with his ultra-Conservative rants and misguided hatred towards homosexuals. Even still, I think it’s easy to forgive Warrior for his behavior outside the ring. Let’s face it: it’s a far cry from the Benoit mess. The man had so much love in his heart for those close to him. His daughters will have to grow up without their father. Rest in peace, Warrior.)
MATCH #3: Nikki Bella, Cameron, Naomi, Emma, Tamina Snuka, Alicia Fox, Aksana, Eva Marie, Layla, & Natalya in a #1 Contender’s Battle Royal for the WWE Divas Championship
It’s another bowl of Diva salsa because the last Diva free-for-all match was a classic. Eva, Emma, and Aksana are all gone early. This, after Eva shows off her “ring prowess” by slapping Layla’s ass and using her own ass to lightly bump Layla in the head. And they say the Divas don’t matter. Layla’s also gone after this at the hands of Natalya. The Funkydactyls team up on Alicia until Tamina dumps Naomi. Cameron is all over Tamina for that and then gets kicked in the head by Tamina after a flurry of hair-pulling and she’s gone, too. Alicia nearly gets taken out by Nikki but manages to hang on. Tamina helps the situation out and eliminates both Bella and and Fox, then goes to eliminate Tamina at about 3:29.
WINNER: Tamina Snuka
GRADE (Letters): D+. This was your typical battle royal. At least Tamina has a new theme song.
A promo featuring “Adam” who is, essentially, a younger, more sane version of Ozzy before the drugs. I’m pretty sure I saw Slenderman in a tux in that commercial but I’m not quite sure.
Daniel Bryan is coming back to RAW on Monday. So is ACTION MASK KANE.
Clips from the Shield/Authority mudhole stomp on RAW featuring Mid-Life Crisis Evolution. What was the point of having that match when you can just have all eleven guys attack The Shield outright?
We get an ad for Legends House where the old wrestlers and managers strip for women and get into simulated battlefield wars. Just like normal guys.
MATCH #4: Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter) vs. Big Show
Colter goes on a rant about Cesaro while Swagger holds up a sign that says, “DEPORT CESARO” and, on the other side, “DON’T MISS THE SWISS”. He talks about illegal aliens and deportation as if Cesaro snuck over some sort of a Swiss/American border. Swagger tries for an early hold and tries to clothesline Show but Show stands there, unaffected, then kicks Swagger in the head when he tries again. Show hits the Chest Slap, then tries to charge Swagger in the corner but Swagger kicks him and then works on Show’s left knee, weakly yelling “WE THE PEOPLE” which has lost all of its fun with the absence of Cesaro. Show gets out of a leg hold but Swagger trips him up and hits two Swagger Bombs, getting a two-count. Swagger locks up Show’s leg again. Show finally breaks out but Swagger kicks him in the head. He charges off the ropes but Show catches his foot and knocks Swagger down. Show picks up Swagger and drops him on his face in the middle of the ring. He calls for the Chokeslam on Swagger but Swagger counters into the Patriot Lock. Show looks like he passes out, the ref goes to ring the bell…but Show suddenly wakes up, gets out of the lock and then KO’s Swagger and we’re done at 6:11.
WINNER: Big Show via KO
GRADE (Letter): B-. Clunky and slow but not entirely crappy.
Post-match, Show takes off his boot and tries to rub his aching foot as we go off the air.
OVERALL: C+ show. Better than last week’s show by far but Los Matadores vs. 3MB was just agonizing to watch. The Diva match was also needless crap. Nobody is gonna question the Diva rankings so just shove Natalya in there with Tamina and call it a Contender’s Match. Nice to see Barrett rolling along again with a gimmick that looks like it’s over with the crowd after months of him simply yelling shit at the crowd.
That’s it for this week. Thanks to Scott Keith for making this
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