The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania 2 – This show is the debut of the floating WWF logo (“What the world is watching”) that is the WWF’s equivalent of the THX opening. Back when we poor Canadians had to watch WWF PPVs live on a big screen at our local arena, that generally got as big a pop as any wrestler. (Can you imagine the days when the WWF could actually come close to selling out a 12,000 seat arena just for showing a PPV on a screen?) – Dumbest idea ever: This is live from three different locations. Original airdate: April 7 / 1986First Stage: – Live from Uniondale, New York. – Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Susan Saint James. For those of you who have tuned out the 80s completely, Susan gained fame on a sitcom called “Kate & Allie”, although her initial celebrity push came from a show called “MacMillan and Wife”. She was married to Dick Ebersole at the time, who ran NBC, and was thus TNN to the WWF’s ECW at the time, if you will. (None of that makes any sense to people reading in 2012, of course.) – Opening match: Magnificent Muraco v. Paul Orndorff. Orndorff hasn’t turned on the Orange Goblin yet at this point, but he’s getting close. Orndorff holds a wristlock for a couple of minutes, but Muraco dumps him over the top to escape and they fight to a double countout. And that’s our first DUD of the night… (Brutally clipped on the Coliseum version, by the way) – Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. George Steele. Susan recaps the feud in two sentences. “He has this beautiful manager; he treats her like dirt. Animal is in love with her.” There ya go. (Try to recap the Kane v. Cena feud in two sentences. I DARE YOU. Simpler is better, well, most of the time.) Savage still doesn’t have the Memphis heel flushed out of his system yet, so he runs around the ring to escape Steele right away. And runs. And runs. Finally Steele catches him, but Savage runs away again. He brings back a bouquet of flowers (given to him by no less than Al Isaacs!) and they beat each other up with that. No, really. Savage even sells it. (That’s because he’s awesome.) Steele bites open the turnbuckle and rubs stuffing in Savage’s face, and Savage sells that too. More running, but Steele gets distracted talking to Liz (and I mean, really, who wouldn’t?) and Savage gets the double axehandle and big elbow, but Steele kicks out at two. Savage lures him into the corner and does the Ric Flair pin on him to retain the title. We’ll be generous and go -* – George Welles v. Jake Roberts. Welles is some football player turned wrestler, and not a very good one at that. This is during the Snake’s initial heel push in the WWF. Welles is like a bulkier Virgil (or Vince, as the case may be). Welles decimates Roberts with some basic stuff (slams, forearms, a flying headscissors and powerslam) before a ringside chase leads to a Roberts kneelift as Welles comes back in. DDT and it’s over. Roberts got no offense before the finish. Welles gets the Damian treatment, of course. * – Boxing match: Mr. T v. Rowdy Roddy Piper. This was set up by Saturday Night’s Main Event, as Piper and his, ahem, longtime companion Bob Orton pearl-harbored Mr. T during another boxing match. Piper gives a funny interview as he promises to quit boxing, wrestling, tiddlywinks and dating girls if T knocks him out. He pledges to keep Orton around, though. OOOOOOOO-kay, Roddy. Round one is pretty decent. I wonder if the actual boxing before the goofy ending was a shoot? Probably not. (Ya THINK?) Round two sees them visibly pulling their punches, with Piper absolutely walloping T to the point where he’d be unconscious if it were real. Crowd actually starts chanting “Rowdy Roddy” for the mega-heel Piper. Piper knocks T down again at the bell. Piper is super-cocky in round three, goofing around to start. T of course takes advantage and slaughters Piper in the corner. T hits a phantom punch and Piper rolls out of the ring to recouperate, pretty much giving it away as a work right there. Of course, it’s being promoted by a guy who once fixed a Karate Fighters tournament, so it’s hardly surprising. Round four begins and they start wailing away with roundhouse shots that would kill the other guy if it was a shoot. (I don’t remember if this was written before or after Brawl For All was foisted on the world, but it seems like it was written after. Point being, I don’t know why past Scott was so fixated on whether a match involving Roddy Piper might have been anything but a giant goofy work, but he should probably shut the fuck up about it already.) Finally Piper has enough and he shoves the referee down and bodyslams Mr. T to draw the DQ. I don’t rate boxing matches (does rec.sport.boxing use a five-star system? I’ve never checked) (answer: No, of course not, because boxing is competition and wrestling is exhibition) but this was a pretty good fight for the first three rounds. The Bottom Line: Well, that sucked. But the boxing match was pretty good. Second Stage: – Live from Chicago, Illinois. – Your hosts are Mean Gene, Gorilla Monsoon and Cathy Lee Crosby (from “That’s Incredible”) (or as the show was known in Japan, “Crappy tombstone piledriver”) – Opening match, Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Velvet MacIntyre. This lasts about a minute, with Velvet missing something off the top rope and Moolah getting the pin. DUD – Flag match: Nikolai Voloff v. Cpl. Kirschner. Winner gets to wave his country’s flag. Volkoff rams him into the post and then blades Kirschner right ON CAMERA while under the pretense of biting him. You can then see Volkoff putting the blade back into his tights. Kirschner rolls back and shoves the ref out of the way, then intercepts the cane tossed in by Freddie Blassie and nails Volkoff with it for the pin. Lasted all of a minute. DUD (I never got why they would bring in a military character who could be anything they wanted, and make him a CORPORAL. Why not an officer at the very least?) – Bill Fralic and John Studd jaw at each other during an interview. – 20 man football player/wrestler battle royale. Clara “Where’s the Beef” Peller is the guest timekeeper (As a lesson to those of you who believe in the power of social media to somehow influence the business for the better, Peller’s famous “Where’s the Beef?” ad campaign for Wendy’s actually resulted in a drop in their sales, despite the obnoxious catchphrase becoming a phenomenon in itself. It would be trending worldwide on 1986’s Twitter, you might say, and meant nothing for selling burgers. Take note, WWE.) and Dick “Pat Patterson’s favorite wrestler” Butkus is the guest referee. Jimbo Cobert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Dan Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga (Meng), The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino, William “Refrigerator” Perry and Andre the Giant are the entrants, and if you haven’t heard any of those names that’s probably because they’re the football players. Andre and Studd go right to it, of course. Squint and Spivey looks like Hogan. (Yeah, that’s pretty much what they hoped for) Cobert and Tonga eliminate each other to start. Bruno dumps Ernie Holmes. Jim Brunzell gets triple teamed and knocked out. The Harts work together of course. Andre dumps Tony Atlas. Studd and Fridge are pounding on each other for a good chunk of this thing. Old man Bruno is holding his own pretty good. Morales and Harvey Martin go at the same time. Ted Arcidi tries to dump Blair, but he slips underneath and knocks out Arcidi. Spivey gets dumped by Hillbilly Jim, who is in turn dumped by Blair, who is dumped while doing the dumping by the Sheik. Fralic gets tossed by Studd. Bruno dumps the Sheik. Bruno works over Studd while the Hart Foundation double-teams Perry. Studd tosses Bruno. Studd and Perry do the big showdown, with the Fridge running into Studd’s elbow and getting tossed. Fridge offers Studd a handshake in friendship, and of course proceeds to pull Studd out. (There’s your future hall-of-famer right there, ladies and gentlemen.) This leaves Andre, Russ Francis and the Hart Foundation. The Harts double-dropkick Andre into the ropes and then beat on Francis and dump him. They do the double-whip-tackle to soften him up, but on the second try Bret gets a foot in the face and Andre cleans house. Anvil gets the big boot and sells it so dramatically that he goes flying over the top rope, and then Bret comes off the top rope but gets caught and thrown out, giving the win to Andre. I don’t rate battle royales, but this wasn’t very good and way too fast. – WWF tag team title match: The Dream Team v. The British Bulldogs. The Bulldogs have Ozzy Osbourne in their corner. The Bulldogs had been chasing the Dream Team all over hell’s half-acre for months prior to this (Does anyone outside of the Canadian prairies ever use that phrase, by the way?) , and this would be the last title shot for them. You know how much people worship Chris Benoit today? (BACKSPACE BACKSPACE BACKSPACE!!!!) Benoit will NEVER be as good as Dynamite Kid. (Unless Dynamite was really good at…BAD SCOTT! NO!) That’s what kind of talent the world lost to Dynamite’s back injury. Davey Boy is the Marty Jannetty of the Bulldogs, the one who wasn’t supposed to get the singles push, but did by default. (And this analogy is the Marty Jannetty of analogies, because it deserves to be thrown through the window and sent to rehab. I guess you could equate Bulldog and Marty in terms of the drugs done by them, but Davey Boy was really more along the lines of Scott Steiner, the guy who got split off from his team against his will and reinvented himself as a huge singles star) It staggers the mind what Dynamite could have done in good health at this point in his career. Bulldogs just destroy Valentine and Beefcake with an awesome array of crisply delivered suplexes and clotheslines, but Beefcake lures Smith into the corner and Hammer comes off the top with a cheap shot to turn the tide. Bulldogs quickly reclaim it, but Valentine piledrives Dynamite (with a NASTY one, too) to get a couple of two counts. A pier-six erupts and Davey Boy comes in with a running powerslam for two. Hammer is actually playing a kind of heel in peril, taking a lot of punishment from the Bulldogs, presumably to showcase their offense to the casual fans. Davey Boy misses a charge to the corner and fucks up his shoulder, putting him in the Ricky Morton role. Insane move as Brutus hammerlocks Davey Boy and then drops him right on his arm. Smith is insane to sell that crazy shit. (Totally safe bump, though, just looks impressive.) Valentine hits a shoulderbreaker, but picks him up at two. Dynamite climbs to the top rope, and Smith shoves Valentine into Dynamite’s head and pins him out of nowhere to claim their first and only tag team title. ***1/2 Best match of the show, duh. (I’m continually disappointed by this match and hope that someday I’ll watch it and it’ll be as great as their house show series. But that never happens.) The Bottom Line: Tag title match is great, the rest is a pass. Third Stage: – Live from Los Angeles, California. – Your hosts are Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes and Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. – Opening match: Ricky Steamboat v. Hercules Hernandez. Hernandez was nothing at this point. Well, he had a big afro, but that doesn’t count for much. Steamboat armdrags him into oblivion, thus showing where his early-RSPW nickname of “Armdragon” came from. Steamer does his usual double-leapfrog/elbow combo to a big pop, and back to move #193 (ARM-bar). (Aha! This was written early 1998 judging by the Jericho reference, before I got totally sick of beating the joke into the ground. Perhaps someday that will happen with BONZO GONZO, but not yet. Not yet.) Herc elbows out and stunguns Steamboat, but doesn’t follow up. Steamboat is totally carrying this thing, setting up Herc’s moves for him and selling melodramatically. Herc is terrible, plodding around and hitting the occasional power move. He stupidly goes to the top rope and runs into Steamboat’s knees, allowing Steamer to do the same and finish it with a flying bodypress. *1/2 – Adrian Adonis v. Uncle Elmer. Hey, hillbillies. Alright. Elmer is some big fat guy, who I believe wrestled in Japan as Kamala II or something. (That is the kind of quality analysis and background you just don’t get elsewhere, folks.) He batters Adonis with his bulk, but misses the big fat legdrop, allowing Adonis to go to the top for a big fat splash for the pin. DUD – Tito Santana & Junkfood Dog v. Terry & Dory Funk. This is the final blowoff for the JYD v. Terry Funk feud that put Funk over as a crazy Texan. Terry was a spry 42 or so at this point, a mere lad compared to his decrepit state today. (Keep in mind this was written in 1998 and Funk is STILL semi-active today) Funk does his goofy selling for Santana. Mucho stalling. JYD beats up Terry for more goofy selling. He goes over the top rope two or three times for good measure. Dory comes in with some uppercuts on Tito, but Tito hits the Flying Jalapeno out of nowhere to send the Texans scurrying to regroup. Santana gets kneed in the back and becomes Ricardo Morton. The Funks do some great old-school suplexes and general heel punishment on Santana. Terry misses a legdrop, which allows Santana to make the hot tag to JYD. Terry takes a wicked backdrop out of the ring. JYD even slams Terry through a table outside! He’s hardcore! JYD makes the mistake of going after Jimmy Hart, however, which allows Terry to get the megaphone and bop JYD for the winning pin. Good little match. *** – Main event, WWF Title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy. The deal is simple: Bundy kicked the crap out of Hogan on SNME and Hogan wants revenge. The “can he win it?” factor: Hogan’s ribs are taped from the initial attack. Hogan blitzes Bundy to start, but Bundy is Just Too Big ™ and delivers the usual punishment to Hogan. Dare I ask why Lee Marshall is at ringside for this? Interesting trivia note about this match: RSPW urban legend Steve DiSalvo was one of the guys who set up the cage. (You can Wikipedia that shit if you care enough to, I’m moving onto the next rant.) Bundy of course rips off the tape around Hogan’s ribs and chokes him out with it. Bundy gets rammed to the cage and blades. On camera. Hogan with the BACK SCRATCHES OF DOOM and more face-ramming. Sadly, the BODYSLAM OF DEATH doesn’t work on the first try. Bundy with the Avalanche and Big Fat Splash, but Hogan does the big hulk-up job. Another Avalanche and Hulk no-sells. Hulk inadvertantly expands his repretoire by powerslamming Bundy on a botched bodyslam, then he drops the leg and climbs out to retain the title. And being the sportsman that he is, he beats up poor Bobby Heenan after the match. Call it about * The Bottom Line: Surprisingly good Funks match, the rest is a definite pass. The Bottom Bottom Line: Nothing terribly historically significant about this show, and there’s a couple of good matches, but overall I wouldn’t go out of my way to get it. The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania 2 – So while reading over the old WM rants in preparation for the reposts, I couldn’t help but notice that my original rant for this show (from the Coliseum video version) was due for a redo. So here’s the full PPV version, which comes from the VHS releases that came out in 97 or so. Good thing: Completely uncut PPV version complete with ORIGINAL MUSIC. Bad thing: It was recorded in EP mode on low quality tape, so I made sure to only watch it one time, when I recorded it to DVD. Yeah, I could just spring for the Anthology versions, but they’d probably overdub Nikolai Volkoff singing the Russian anthem because they couldn’t afford the music rights. The match lengths appear to be the same, but the interview order is all switched around from the Coliseum video. Anyway, for those who haven’t heard the story a million times, this was the very first wrestling show I ever watched by my own choice, as we rented it for my 12th birthday because the other kids were into wrestling, and then I checked out the weekly TV show as a result and Paul Orndorff like, totally turned on Hulk Hogan, and I was like “Um yeah, I’m watching this for the next 20 years or so unless it really starts to suck or too many people die.” (There you go, my basic life story in one paragraph.) – Live from Long Island NY, Chicago IL, Los Angeles CA. You’d think that they would have learned when Crockett tried that stunt and it didn’t work. – Your hosts of the first show are Vince McMahon & Susan St. James. – Roddy Piper pledges to quit wrestling, boxing, tiddly-winks and dating girls if Mr. T knocks him out tonight. Magnificent Muraco v. Paul Orndorff They really should have done Piper v. Orndorff as the big blowoff here instead of the matches we got from the two of them instead. Orndorff grabs a headlock to start, but Muraco slams out of it, so Paul slams him right back. Orndorff, Mr. Politically Correct, makes slant-eye gestures at Mr. Fuji because apparently it’s still 1962 and I didn’t notice. (BE A STAR, Paul.) Orndorff backdrops Muraco out of the corner and controls with an armbar, from which Muraco is unable to escape. They slug it out in the corner and tumble to the floor in slow fashion, and that leads to the double countout at 4:35. Yeah, quite the electric opener to Wrestlemania, as they got about as much time as a TV squash and never got it going. 1/2* Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. George Steele Macho runs away from George to start and we get a foot race, which leads to Steele catching Savage and gnawing on his leg. Susan: “All right, George, eat his leg!” How much did she get paid to do commentary here, I wonder? Back in the ring, Steele slugs him down, but gets distracted by Elizabeth and Savage lays in a beating on the ropes. A sloppy flying bodypress gets two, but Savage gets tossed to the floor as a result. Back in, Steele goes for the trachea and tosses him, but Savage outthinks him and slips under the ring for the sneak attack from the other side. Savage steals a bouquet of flowers from ringside (former wrestling website big shot Al Isaacs, apparently) and tries to attack with them, but gets them back in the face. As Poison said, every rose has its thorn. Steele goes for the turnbuckle and Savage gets to sell THAT, too, but Steele goes after Liz again and Savage jumps him, then hits the big elbow for two. Why does Steele of all people get to kick out of the elbow? George gets enraged and throws Savage into the corner, but that allows Macho to get the cheap pin at 7:08 with the ropes. Pretty fun, but Animal should have taken that elbow like a man. * (I’m somewhat astonished that this got upgraded from negative stars to a single star. I really am getting mellower in my old age.) Jake Roberts v. George Welles Alfonso Castillo of The Steel Cage had the best alternate name for “jobber to the stars” that I’ve heard — “In the ring to my left”. That’s who George Welles is here, the guy who is in the ring to the Fink’s left, and nothing more. Kind of a waste of Jake , one of the hottest heels in the business at this point. (Man, they had Savage, Jake AND Piper all under contract and on the heel side at once…and King Kong Bundy gets the main event slot. No wonder this show was terrible.) Welles attacks and throws forearms, but gets tossed out by Jake. Back in, Jake evades him and pauses to show the crowd how smart he is by using the universal heel symbol for that — pointing to his head. This of course allows Welles to hit him from behind with a shoulderblock and a flying headscissors of all things. Well, he’s trying. Welles chops Roberts down and follows with a kneelift as Jake is bumping all over hell’s half-acre for some reason. Powerslam gets two. Jake uses the old thumb to the eye and slithers around like Randy Orton, but not quite as viper-like, then hits a kneelift and finishes with the DDT at 3:00. Jake gives him the snake treatment and Welles foams at the mouth. That’s an interesting dramatic choice that no one else I can remember ever made. Good bumping from Jake. *1/2 – A bizarre parade of D-list celebs for the boxing match sees Joan Rivers introducing Daryl Dawkins, Cab Calloway, G. Gordon Liddy and “Herb” from the Burger King commercials. To show you the level of desperation for mainstream press we’re dealing with here, the “Herb” commercials of the 80s represent one of the biggest flops in advertising history and it’s pretty likely only about 5% of the people reading this even remember it. And it wasn’t even the actor, it was the character. That’d be like having the creepy Burger King as a “celebrity guest” today. So with that silliness out of the way, onto the REAL silliness… Boxing match: Roddy Piper v. Mr. T So they do dumb looking worked boxing in the first round, barely even making contact. Round two sees Piper cheating by over-greasing his face (Oh, snap, we totally need a match against George St. Pierre now!) (Wow, a dated UFC reference. Didn’t think you’d ever see that in these rants, did you?) and Piper takes over with cartoonish haymakers to put T down. Round three and T dominates this time and it’s all boring as hell. Round four and Piper is done, so he gets desperate and slams T for the DQ at 13:22. Yes, they booked a DQ in a boxing match, why do you ask? (Funny to note that the new format rant, where I’m generally more verbose with the match descriptions as a rule, features a much shorter version of the match than the original rant did. I’m a complex guy sometimes.) Over to Chicago, not a moment too soon… – Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon & Mean Gene & Cathy Lee Crosby Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Velvet McIntyre Moolah attacks with a pair of hairtosses, but Velvet dropkicks her down. Slam and she goes up, but misses by a mile and Moolah pins her at 0:55. No idea what the rush was. DUD (They should totally bring back Velvet as Sheamus’ mom. Finlay can be his dad and wackiness will result when his parents go out drinking and brawl every night because they’re IRISH. Like Sheamus, you see.) Flag match: Corporal Kirschner v. Nikolai Volkoff Volkoff attacks to start and tosses him, then sends him into the post for some unexpected blood. Wonder if they got shit for that afterwards? Back in, Kirschner slugs away and Blassie tries to throw the cane in, but the Corporal intercepts it and uses it for the pin at 1:33. DUD Wrestler/Football player Battle Royale: Jimbo Cobert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Dan Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga, The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino, William “Refrigerator” Perry and Andre the Giant are the entrants. William Perry is in the WWE Hall of Fame, so he’s gotta be good, right? I mean, they don’t just let ANYONE in. Tonga and a football player are the first out, and it’s just a big mass of guys milling around. Everyone gangs up on Brunzell for some reason and dumps him, and Bruno dumps Tony Atlas. Brian Blair and Iron Sheik slug it out in the corner and I’m praying that Sheik eliminates him so I can go for the obvious joke. Sadly, Ted Arcidi breaks it up and gets sent out by another roving gang as a result. Sheik backdrops Spivey out and then, YES, HE HUMBLES B. BRIAN BLAIR!!! I have to take my entertainment where I can get it. Having fulfilled my petty, petty entertainment needs (Those are the best kind, though), Bruno disposes of Sheik. More people go out and Fridge has a showdown with Studd and goes out as a result, but then he does the Hulk Hogan move and pulls Studd out. That was a Hall of Fame level double-cross. So we’ve got Andre, Russ Francis and the Hart Foundation, and really the odds weren’t good when it was 19 guys against Andre. The Harts dispose of Francis and work Andre over, but Bret walks into a big boot and Andre has had enough. Bing bang bong and Andre wins at 9:04. I don’t rate battle royales. WWF World tag team title: The Dream Team v. The British Bulldogs Davey Boy overpowers the Hammer to start and slugs away in the corner, then works on the arm. Dynamite comes in and sends Valentine into the corner for two, then stomps away and follows with a snap suplex for two. Smith adds a delayed suplex (talk about yin and yang offense — I never really made that connection before, although I don’t think it was intentional on their part) and Valentine bails to regroup. Back in, he hammers away in the corner and catches Davey dozing with a kneelift, and it’s over to Brutus. Davey gives him a super-crisp press slam to break up a wristlock, and Dynamite follows with a stiff clothesline and a chop for two. Small package gets two. Davey with a fisherman’s suplex for two. Props to Brutus for going out there and taking some pretty high-impact offense for the time. Hammer catches Davey with a sucker punch and hits a suplex for two before grabbing a headlock. Dynamite takes the blind tag and breaks it up, chopping Valentine into the corner and throwing shoulders to trigger the Flair Flop. That gets two. The Bulldogs double-team Valentine, but the Dream Team does their own double-teaming until Kid gets a sunset flip on Valentine for two. Backbreaker gets two. Kneedrop gets two. Valentine comes back with a nasty piledriver for two and goes up, but Kid slams him off for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Davey tries to press-slam Kid onto Valentine, but he smartly rolls out to disrupt their timing and hammers on Kid. Over to Davey, however, and he powerslams Valentine for two as the champs are looking overwhelmed. Suplex gets two for Smith. Finally Valentine manages to whip Davey into the post, and he stomps on the shoulder to take over. The Dream Team double-teams the arm, and Beefcake does the one good move he had in 1986 — the hammerlock drop. Davey always took that bump like a million bucks, too. Back to Hammer with a shoulderbreaker for two, but he gets cocky and Davey runs him into Dynamite’s head for the pin and the titles at 12:03. The fluke finish kind of fit with the theme of their matches leading up to this. The triumphant Bulldogs get to lay around on the floor while Lou Albano and Ozzy Osbourne celebrate with the belts. There’s the problem with this era in a nutshell. Dynamite just took an awesome bump for the finish, going from the top rope and landing flat-back on the floor off-camera. Good, hard-hitting stuff, although they didn’t even do the standard formula and just gave the Bulldogs a ton of offense to showcase them. It wasn’t a classic like the SNME 2/3 falls match was, but it was clearly the best match of the Chicago portion. ***1/2 – To La-La Land! – Hosted by Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes and Elvira. Hercules v. Ricky Steamboat This was originally booked as Bret Hart v. Ricky Steamboat but got changed around late in the game for more star power. That Bret match ended up happening at a house show for Coliseum Video and was pretty awesome. It was also on the Bret DVD, I believe. Herc goes with the sneak attack to start, but Steamboat evades him and chops him down. Into the armdrags and Steamboat works on that, but Hercules goes with a cheapshot to the throat and takes over. He pounds Steamboat down for two and gets a clothesline for two. Ugly press slam follows, so he does it again to get it right. Ugh, NEVER REPEAT THE SPOT. Herc goes up and lands on Ricky’s knees, allowing Steamboat to come back and finish with the bodypress at 7:26. Well that was out of nowhere, like most of the finishes tonight. *1/2 Uncle Elmer v. Adrian Adonis Adonis bumps around like crazy and falls out of the ring, as I guess staying far away from Elmer is the best way to get a decent match out of him. Elmer hauls him back in and Adonis bumps out again, getting tied in the ropes on the way out, in a spot you don’t see much if ever. Adonis gets a cheapshot to come back, but Elmer hits an Avalanche. Big fat legdrop misses and Adonis finishes him with the flying splash at 3:03. * for Adonis and his bumps. Terry & Dory Funk v. Junkyard Dog & Tito Santana Dog whips the Funks into each other and slams them to start, and Tito chases them out of the ring, prompting Terry to engage the front row in a friendly debate. Back in, Terry chops away on Tito, but he fires back with a clothesline to put him on the floor. Dory charges in and gets some of the same Wrath of Tito. So the Funks regroup and Terry gets into a boxing match with JYD and loses badly, allowing Dog to ram him into the turnbuckles 10 times and headbutt him down for two. Dog actually distracts the ref and tosses Terry for a tremendous bump over the top, and so Dory comes back in. The faces work him over in the corner, and Tito gets the flying forearm for two. Terry saves and Tito pounds on him as a result, too. Dory and Tito do the criss-cross, and that allows Terry to get the well-timed cheap knee from the apron, and the Funks take over. Terry with a suplex for two. Tito gets his own and they collide, but Terry falls into his own corner and brings Dory in. He hits Tito with a butterfly suplex for two and the Funks put him down with a double clothesline that gets two for Terry. Terry misses a legdrop and Tito crawls for the tag, but Terry puts him down with a headbutt. Hot tag JYD, however, and noggins are knocked. Clothesline for Terry, but he tries choking Dog out with the tag rope and gets backdropped over the top in Shawn Michaels-style crazy bump as a result. There’s not even any MATS! Dog slams him on the table as it totally gets crazy and they brawl at ringside, and Terry heads back in, where Dog gets a small package for two. Tito puts Dory in the figure-four, but prompts the ref to get him out of the ring, and Terry bops Dog with the megaphone for the pin at 11:33. See, now THEY worked the formula and this was a much clearer great tag match then the title match was. This is a lost WM classic and it never gets enough love, so I’m giving it some. **** (Let’s not go crazy here. I may have been over enthused when I gave that rating out.) WWF World title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy I believe this is the debut of the Big Blue Cage. This totally should have been Randy Savage main eventing. They slug it out to start and Hogan gets the big boot right away and chokes Bundy out with his own singlet. Corner clothesline and Axe bomber, but Bundy won’t go down. Bundy finally goes for the ribs (what was he waiting for, an invitation? A roadmap?) and slams him. He goes for the door but Hogan is still alive, so it’s back to pounding on the ribs and choking him out with the rib tape. Bundy tries tying him up with the tape, but knots are no match for Hulkamania and Hogan pulls him back from the door again. Hulk comes back with an elbow in the corner and sends Bundy into the cage, resulting in Bundy crawling right up to the ringside cameraman and gigging himself in plain view. Hogan works on the cut and sends him into the cage as Elvira wonders why they don’t stop it. I concur, it really sucks. Hulk tries a slam, but I guess Bundy hasn’t lost enough blood yet because he falls onto Hulk and reinjures the ribs. Hulk comes back and chokes him out with the tape, but Bundy hits the Avalanche and the big fat splash. I know what you’re thinking, “Hulk’s done!”, but no, he’s not. In fact he no-sells a second Avalanche, gets the slam, and climbs out to retain at 10:11. *1/2, which factors in Elvira sounding like the markiest rube who ever came out of the trailer park on commentary. Certainly not the worst WM, just a very rushed and oddly-booked one. But it has two very worthwhile tag matches and a lot of nostalgia value for me so it’s certainly watchable.
Wrestlemania — page 23
The SmarK Countdown: Wrestlemania 2
2nd March 2012 by Scott Keith
The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania 2 – This show is the debut of the floating WWF logo (“What the world is watching”) that is the WWF’s equivalent of the THX opening. Back when we poor Canadians had to watch WWF PPVs live on a big screen at our local arena, that generally got as big a pop as any wrestler. (Can you imagine the days when the WWF could actually come close to selling out a 12,000 seat arena just for showing a PPV on a screen?) – Dumbest idea ever: This is live from three different locations. Original airdate: April 7 / 1986First Stage: – Live from Uniondale, New York. – Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Susan Saint James. For those of you who have tuned out the 80s completely, Susan gained fame on a sitcom called “Kate & Allie”, although her initial celebrity push came from a show called “MacMillan and Wife”. She was married to Dick Ebersole at the time, who ran NBC, and was thus TNN to the WWF’s ECW at the time, if you will. (None of that makes any sense to people reading in 2012, of course.) – Opening match: Magnificent Muraco v. Paul Orndorff. Orndorff hasn’t turned on the Orange Goblin yet at this point, but he’s getting close. Orndorff holds a wristlock for a couple of minutes, but Muraco dumps him over the top to escape and they fight to a double countout. And that’s our first DUD of the night… (Brutally clipped on the Coliseum version, by the way) – Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. George Steele. Susan recaps the feud in two sentences. “He has this beautiful manager; he treats her like dirt. Animal is in love with her.” There ya go. (Try to recap the Kane v. Cena feud in two sentences. I DARE YOU. Simpler is better, well, most of the time.) Savage still doesn’t have the Memphis heel flushed out of his system yet, so he runs around the ring to escape Steele right away. And runs. And runs. Finally Steele catches him, but Savage runs away again. He brings back a bouquet of flowers (given to him by no less than Al Isaacs!) and they beat each other up with that. No, really. Savage even sells it. (That’s because he’s awesome.) Steele bites open the turnbuckle and rubs stuffing in Savage’s face, and Savage sells that too. More running, but Steele gets distracted talking to Liz (and I mean, really, who wouldn’t?) and Savage gets the double axehandle and big elbow, but Steele kicks out at two. Savage lures him into the corner and does the Ric Flair pin on him to retain the title. We’ll be generous and go -* – George Welles v. Jake Roberts. Welles is some football player turned wrestler, and not a very good one at that. This is during the Snake’s initial heel push in the WWF. Welles is like a bulkier Virgil (or Vince, as the case may be). Welles decimates Roberts with some basic stuff (slams, forearms, a flying headscissors and powerslam) before a ringside chase leads to a Roberts kneelift as Welles comes back in. DDT and it’s over. Roberts got no offense before the finish. Welles gets the Damian treatment, of course. * – Boxing match: Mr. T v. Rowdy Roddy Piper. This was set up by Saturday Night’s Main Event, as Piper and his, ahem, longtime companion Bob Orton pearl-harbored Mr. T during another boxing match. Piper gives a funny interview as he promises to quit boxing, wrestling, tiddlywinks and dating girls if T knocks him out. He pledges to keep Orton around, though. OOOOOOOO-kay, Roddy. Round one is pretty decent. I wonder if the actual boxing before the goofy ending was a shoot? Probably not. (Ya THINK?) Round two sees them visibly pulling their punches, with Piper absolutely walloping T to the point where he’d be unconscious if it were real. Crowd actually starts chanting “Rowdy Roddy” for the mega-heel Piper. Piper knocks T down again at the bell. Piper is super-cocky in round three, goofing around to start. T of course takes advantage and slaughters Piper in the corner. T hits a phantom punch and Piper rolls out of the ring to recouperate, pretty much giving it away as a work right there. Of course, it’s being promoted by a guy who once fixed a Karate Fighters tournament, so it’s hardly surprising. Round four begins and they start wailing away with roundhouse shots that would kill the other guy if it was a shoot. (I don’t remember if this was written before or after Brawl For All was foisted on the world, but it seems like it was written after. Point being, I don’t know why past Scott was so fixated on whether a match involving Roddy Piper might have been anything but a giant goofy work, but he should probably shut the fuck up about it already.) Finally Piper has enough and he shoves the referee down and bodyslams Mr. T to draw the DQ. I don’t rate boxing matches (does rec.sport.boxing use a five-star system? I’ve never checked) (answer: No, of course not, because boxing is competition and wrestling is exhibition) but this was a pretty good fight for the first three rounds. The Bottom Line: Well, that sucked. But the boxing match was pretty good. Second Stage: – Live from Chicago, Illinois. – Your hosts are Mean Gene, Gorilla Monsoon and Cathy Lee Crosby (from “That’s Incredible”) (or as the show was known in Japan, “Crappy tombstone piledriver”) – Opening match, Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Velvet MacIntyre. This lasts about a minute, with Velvet missing something off the top rope and Moolah getting the pin. DUD – Flag match: Nikolai Voloff v. Cpl. Kirschner. Winner gets to wave his country’s flag. Volkoff rams him into the post and then blades Kirschner right ON CAMERA while under the pretense of biting him. You can then see Volkoff putting the blade back into his tights. Kirschner rolls back and shoves the ref out of the way, then intercepts the cane tossed in by Freddie Blassie and nails Volkoff with it for the pin. Lasted all of a minute. DUD (I never got why they would bring in a military character who could be anything they wanted, and make him a CORPORAL. Why not an officer at the very least?) – Bill Fralic and John Studd jaw at each other during an interview. – 20 man football player/wrestler battle royale. Clara “Where’s the Beef” Peller is the guest timekeeper (As a lesson to those of you who believe in the power of social media to somehow influence the business for the better, Peller’s famous “Where’s the Beef?” ad campaign for Wendy’s actually resulted in a drop in their sales, despite the obnoxious catchphrase becoming a phenomenon in itself. It would be trending worldwide on 1986’s Twitter, you might say, and meant nothing for selling burgers. Take note, WWE.) and Dick “Pat Patterson’s favorite wrestler” Butkus is the guest referee. Jimbo Cobert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Dan Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga (Meng), The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino, William “Refrigerator” Perry and Andre the Giant are the entrants, and if you haven’t heard any of those names that’s probably because they’re the football players. Andre and Studd go right to it, of course. Squint and Spivey looks like Hogan. (Yeah, that’s pretty much what they hoped for) Cobert and Tonga eliminate each other to start. Bruno dumps Ernie Holmes. Jim Brunzell gets triple teamed and knocked out. The Harts work together of course. Andre dumps Tony Atlas. Studd and Fridge are pounding on each other for a good chunk of this thing. Old man Bruno is holding his own pretty good. Morales and Harvey Martin go at the same time. Ted Arcidi tries to dump Blair, but he slips underneath and knocks out Arcidi. Spivey gets dumped by Hillbilly Jim, who is in turn dumped by Blair, who is dumped while doing the dumping by the Sheik. Fralic gets tossed by Studd. Bruno dumps the Sheik. Bruno works over Studd while the Hart Foundation double-teams Perry. Studd tosses Bruno. Studd and Perry do the big showdown, with the Fridge running into Studd’s elbow and getting tossed. Fridge offers Studd a handshake in friendship, and of course proceeds to pull Studd out. (There’s your future hall-of-famer right there, ladies and gentlemen.) This leaves Andre, Russ Francis and the Hart Foundation. The Harts double-dropkick Andre into the ropes and then beat on Francis and dump him. They do the double-whip-tackle to soften him up, but on the second try Bret gets a foot in the face and Andre cleans house. Anvil gets the big boot and sells it so dramatically that he goes flying over the top rope, and then Bret comes off the top rope but gets caught and thrown out, giving the win to Andre. I don’t rate battle royales, but this wasn’t very good and way too fast. – WWF tag team title match: The Dream Team v. The British Bulldogs. The Bulldogs have Ozzy Osbourne in their corner. The Bulldogs had been chasing the Dream Team all over hell’s half-acre for months prior to this (Does anyone outside of the Canadian prairies ever use that phrase, by the way?) , and this would be the last title shot for them. You know how much people worship Chris Benoit today? (BACKSPACE BACKSPACE BACKSPACE!!!!) Benoit will NEVER be as good as Dynamite Kid. (Unless Dynamite was really good at…BAD SCOTT! NO!) That’s what kind of talent the world lost to Dynamite’s back injury. Davey Boy is the Marty Jannetty of the Bulldogs, the one who wasn’t supposed to get the singles push, but did by default. (And this analogy is the Marty Jannetty of analogies, because it deserves to be thrown through the window and sent to rehab. I guess you could equate Bulldog and Marty in terms of the drugs done by them, but Davey Boy was really more along the lines of Scott Steiner, the guy who got split off from his team against his will and reinvented himself as a huge singles star) It staggers the mind what Dynamite could have done in good health at this point in his career. Bulldogs just destroy Valentine and Beefcake with an awesome array of crisply delivered suplexes and clotheslines, but Beefcake lures Smith into the corner and Hammer comes off the top with a cheap shot to turn the tide. Bulldogs quickly reclaim it, but Valentine piledrives Dynamite (with a NASTY one, too) to get a couple of two counts. A pier-six erupts and Davey Boy comes in with a running powerslam for two. Hammer is actually playing a kind of heel in peril, taking a lot of punishment from the Bulldogs, presumably to showcase their offense to the casual fans. Davey Boy misses a charge to the corner and fucks up his shoulder, putting him in the Ricky Morton role. Insane move as Brutus hammerlocks Davey Boy and then drops him right on his arm. Smith is insane to sell that crazy shit. (Totally safe bump, though, just looks impressive.) Valentine hits a shoulderbreaker, but picks him up at two. Dynamite climbs to the top rope, and Smith shoves Valentine into Dynamite’s head and pins him out of nowhere to claim their first and only tag team title. ***1/2 Best match of the show, duh. (I’m continually disappointed by this match and hope that someday I’ll watch it and it’ll be as great as their house show series. But that never happens.) The Bottom Line: Tag title match is great, the rest is a pass. Third Stage: – Live from Los Angeles, California. – Your hosts are Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes and Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. – Opening match: Ricky Steamboat v. Hercules Hernandez. Hernandez was nothing at this point. Well, he had a big afro, but that doesn’t count for much. Steamboat armdrags him into oblivion, thus showing where his early-RSPW nickname of “Armdragon” came from. Steamer does his usual double-leapfrog/elbow combo to a big pop, and back to move #193 (ARM-bar). (Aha! This was written early 1998 judging by the Jericho reference, before I got totally sick of beating the joke into the ground. Perhaps someday that will happen with BONZO GONZO, but not yet. Not yet.) Herc elbows out and stunguns Steamboat, but doesn’t follow up. Steamboat is totally carrying this thing, setting up Herc’s moves for him and selling melodramatically. Herc is terrible, plodding around and hitting the occasional power move. He stupidly goes to the top rope and runs into Steamboat’s knees, allowing Steamer to do the same and finish it with a flying bodypress. *1/2 – Adrian Adonis v. Uncle Elmer. Hey, hillbillies. Alright. Elmer is some big fat guy, who I believe wrestled in Japan as Kamala II or something. (That is the kind of quality analysis and background you just don’t get elsewhere, folks.) He batters Adonis with his bulk, but misses the big fat legdrop, allowing Adonis to go to the top for a big fat splash for the pin. DUD – Tito Santana & Junkfood Dog v. Terry & Dory Funk. This is the final blowoff for the JYD v. Terry Funk feud that put Funk over as a crazy Texan. Terry was a spry 42 or so at this point, a mere lad compared to his decrepit state today. (Keep in mind this was written in 1998 and Funk is STILL semi-active today) Funk does his goofy selling for Santana. Mucho stalling. JYD beats up Terry for more goofy selling. He goes over the top rope two or three times for good measure. Dory comes in with some uppercuts on Tito, but Tito hits the Flying Jalapeno out of nowhere to send the Texans scurrying to regroup. Santana gets kneed in the back and becomes Ricardo Morton. The Funks do some great old-school suplexes and general heel punishment on Santana. Terry misses a legdrop, which allows Santana to make the hot tag to JYD. Terry takes a wicked backdrop out of the ring. JYD even slams Terry through a table outside! He’s hardcore! JYD makes the mistake of going after Jimmy Hart, however, which allows Terry to get the megaphone and bop JYD for the winning pin. Good little match. *** – Main event, WWF Title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy. The deal is simple: Bundy kicked the crap out of Hogan on SNME and Hogan wants revenge. The “can he win it?” factor: Hogan’s ribs are taped from the initial attack. Hogan blitzes Bundy to start, but Bundy is Just Too Big ™ and delivers the usual punishment to Hogan. Dare I ask why Lee Marshall is at ringside for this? Interesting trivia note about this match: RSPW urban legend Steve DiSalvo was one of the guys who set up the cage. (You can Wikipedia that shit if you care enough to, I’m moving onto the next rant.) Bundy of course rips off the tape around Hogan’s ribs and chokes him out with it. Bundy gets rammed to the cage and blades. On camera. Hogan with the BACK SCRATCHES OF DOOM and more face-ramming. Sadly, the BODYSLAM OF DEATH doesn’t work on the first try. Bundy with the Avalanche and Big Fat Splash, but Hogan does the big hulk-up job. Another Avalanche and Hulk no-sells. Hulk inadvertantly expands his repretoire by powerslamming Bundy on a botched bodyslam, then he drops the leg and climbs out to retain the title. And being the sportsman that he is, he beats up poor Bobby Heenan after the match. Call it about * The Bottom Line: Surprisingly good Funks match, the rest is a definite pass. The Bottom Bottom Line: Nothing terribly historically significant about this show, and there’s a couple of good matches, but overall I wouldn’t go out of my way to get it. The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania 2 – So while reading over the old WM rants in preparation for the reposts, I couldn’t help but notice that my original rant for this show (from the Coliseum video version) was due for a redo. So here’s the full PPV version, which comes from the VHS releases that came out in 97 or so. Good thing: Completely uncut PPV version complete with ORIGINAL MUSIC. Bad thing: It was recorded in EP mode on low quality tape, so I made sure to only watch it one time, when I recorded it to DVD. Yeah, I could just spring for the Anthology versions, but they’d probably overdub Nikolai Volkoff singing the Russian anthem because they couldn’t afford the music rights. The match lengths appear to be the same, but the interview order is all switched around from the Coliseum video. Anyway, for those who haven’t heard the story a million times, this was the very first wrestling show I ever watched by my own choice, as we rented it for my 12th birthday because the other kids were into wrestling, and then I checked out the weekly TV show as a result and Paul Orndorff like, totally turned on Hulk Hogan, and I was like “Um yeah, I’m watching this for the next 20 years or so unless it really starts to suck or too many people die.” (There you go, my basic life story in one paragraph.) – Live from Long Island NY, Chicago IL, Los Angeles CA. You’d think that they would have learned when Crockett tried that stunt and it didn’t work. – Your hosts of the first show are Vince McMahon & Susan St. James. – Roddy Piper pledges to quit wrestling, boxing, tiddly-winks and dating girls if Mr. T knocks him out tonight. Magnificent Muraco v. Paul Orndorff They really should have done Piper v. Orndorff as the big blowoff here instead of the matches we got from the two of them instead. Orndorff grabs a headlock to start, but Muraco slams out of it, so Paul slams him right back. Orndorff, Mr. Politically Correct, makes slant-eye gestures at Mr. Fuji because apparently it’s still 1962 and I didn’t notice. (BE A STAR, Paul.) Orndorff backdrops Muraco out of the corner and controls with an armbar, from which Muraco is unable to escape. They slug it out in the corner and tumble to the floor in slow fashion, and that leads to the double countout at 4:35. Yeah, quite the electric opener to Wrestlemania, as they got about as much time as a TV squash and never got it going. 1/2* Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. George Steele Macho runs away from George to start and we get a foot race, which leads to Steele catching Savage and gnawing on his leg. Susan: “All right, George, eat his leg!” How much did she get paid to do commentary here, I wonder? Back in the ring, Steele slugs him down, but gets distracted by Elizabeth and Savage lays in a beating on the ropes. A sloppy flying bodypress gets two, but Savage gets tossed to the floor as a result. Back in, Steele goes for the trachea and tosses him, but Savage outthinks him and slips under the ring for the sneak attack from the other side. Savage steals a bouquet of flowers from ringside (former wrestling website big shot Al Isaacs, apparently) and tries to attack with them, but gets them back in the face. As Poison said, every rose has its thorn. Steele goes for the turnbuckle and Savage gets to sell THAT, too, but Steele goes after Liz again and Savage jumps him, then hits the big elbow for two. Why does Steele of all people get to kick out of the elbow? George gets enraged and throws Savage into the corner, but that allows Macho to get the cheap pin at 7:08 with the ropes. Pretty fun, but Animal should have taken that elbow like a man. * (I’m somewhat astonished that this got upgraded from negative stars to a single star. I really am getting mellower in my old age.) Jake Roberts v. George Welles Alfonso Castillo of The Steel Cage had the best alternate name for “jobber to the stars” that I’ve heard — “In the ring to my left”. That’s who George Welles is here, the guy who is in the ring to the Fink’s left, and nothing more. Kind of a waste of Jake , one of the hottest heels in the business at this point. (Man, they had Savage, Jake AND Piper all under contract and on the heel side at once…and King Kong Bundy gets the main event slot. No wonder this show was terrible.) Welles attacks and throws forearms, but gets tossed out by Jake. Back in, Jake evades him and pauses to show the crowd how smart he is by using the universal heel symbol for that — pointing to his head. This of course allows Welles to hit him from behind with a shoulderblock and a flying headscissors of all things. Well, he’s trying. Welles chops Roberts down and follows with a kneelift as Jake is bumping all over hell’s half-acre for some reason. Powerslam gets two. Jake uses the old thumb to the eye and slithers around like Randy Orton, but not quite as viper-like, then hits a kneelift and finishes with the DDT at 3:00. Jake gives him the snake treatment and Welles foams at the mouth. That’s an interesting dramatic choice that no one else I can remember ever made. Good bumping from Jake. *1/2 – A bizarre parade of D-list celebs for the boxing match sees Joan Rivers introducing Daryl Dawkins, Cab Calloway, G. Gordon Liddy and “Herb” from the Burger King commercials. To show you the level of desperation for mainstream press we’re dealing with here, the “Herb” commercials of the 80s represent one of the biggest flops in advertising history and it’s pretty likely only about 5% of the people reading this even remember it. And it wasn’t even the actor, it was the character. That’d be like having the creepy Burger King as a “celebrity guest” today. So with that silliness out of the way, onto the REAL silliness… Boxing match: Roddy Piper v. Mr. T So they do dumb looking worked boxing in the first round, barely even making contact. Round two sees Piper cheating by over-greasing his face (Oh, snap, we totally need a match against George St. Pierre now!) (Wow, a dated UFC reference. Didn’t think you’d ever see that in these rants, did you?) and Piper takes over with cartoonish haymakers to put T down. Round three and T dominates this time and it’s all boring as hell. Round four and Piper is done, so he gets desperate and slams T for the DQ at 13:22. Yes, they booked a DQ in a boxing match, why do you ask? (Funny to note that the new format rant, where I’m generally more verbose with the match descriptions as a rule, features a much shorter version of the match than the original rant did. I’m a complex guy sometimes.) Over to Chicago, not a moment too soon… – Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon & Mean Gene & Cathy Lee Crosby Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Velvet McIntyre Moolah attacks with a pair of hairtosses, but Velvet dropkicks her down. Slam and she goes up, but misses by a mile and Moolah pins her at 0:55. No idea what the rush was. DUD (They should totally bring back Velvet as Sheamus’ mom. Finlay can be his dad and wackiness will result when his parents go out drinking and brawl every night because they’re IRISH. Like Sheamus, you see.) Flag match: Corporal Kirschner v. Nikolai Volkoff Volkoff attacks to start and tosses him, then sends him into the post for some unexpected blood. Wonder if they got shit for that afterwards? Back in, Kirschner slugs away and Blassie tries to throw the cane in, but the Corporal intercepts it and uses it for the pin at 1:33. DUD Wrestler/Football player Battle Royale: Jimbo Cobert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Dan Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga, The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino, William “Refrigerator” Perry and Andre the Giant are the entrants. William Perry is in the WWE Hall of Fame, so he’s gotta be good, right? I mean, they don’t just let ANYONE in. Tonga and a football player are the first out, and it’s just a big mass of guys milling around. Everyone gangs up on Brunzell for some reason and dumps him, and Bruno dumps Tony Atlas. Brian Blair and Iron Sheik slug it out in the corner and I’m praying that Sheik eliminates him so I can go for the obvious joke. Sadly, Ted Arcidi breaks it up and gets sent out by another roving gang as a result. Sheik backdrops Spivey out and then, YES, HE HUMBLES B. BRIAN BLAIR!!! I have to take my entertainment where I can get it. Having fulfilled my petty, petty entertainment needs (Those are the best kind, though), Bruno disposes of Sheik. More people go out and Fridge has a showdown with Studd and goes out as a result, but then he does the Hulk Hogan move and pulls Studd out. That was a Hall of Fame level double-cross. So we’ve got Andre, Russ Francis and the Hart Foundation, and really the odds weren’t good when it was 19 guys against Andre. The Harts dispose of Francis and work Andre over, but Bret walks into a big boot and Andre has had enough. Bing bang bong and Andre wins at 9:04. I don’t rate battle royales. WWF World tag team title: The Dream Team v. The British Bulldogs Davey Boy overpowers the Hammer to start and slugs away in the corner, then works on the arm. Dynamite comes in and sends Valentine into the corner for two, then stomps away and follows with a snap suplex for two. Smith adds a delayed suplex (talk about yin and yang offense — I never really made that connection before, although I don’t think it was intentional on their part) and Valentine bails to regroup. Back in, he hammers away in the corner and catches Davey dozing with a kneelift, and it’s over to Brutus. Davey gives him a super-crisp press slam to break up a wristlock, and Dynamite follows with a stiff clothesline and a chop for two. Small package gets two. Davey with a fisherman’s suplex for two. Props to Brutus for going out there and taking some pretty high-impact offense for the time. Hammer catches Davey with a sucker punch and hits a suplex for two before grabbing a headlock. Dynamite takes the blind tag and breaks it up, chopping Valentine into the corner and throwing shoulders to trigger the Flair Flop. That gets two. The Bulldogs double-team Valentine, but the Dream Team does their own double-teaming until Kid gets a sunset flip on Valentine for two. Backbreaker gets two. Kneedrop gets two. Valentine comes back with a nasty piledriver for two and goes up, but Kid slams him off for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Davey tries to press-slam Kid onto Valentine, but he smartly rolls out to disrupt their timing and hammers on Kid. Over to Davey, however, and he powerslams Valentine for two as the champs are looking overwhelmed. Suplex gets two for Smith. Finally Valentine manages to whip Davey into the post, and he stomps on the shoulder to take over. The Dream Team double-teams the arm, and Beefcake does the one good move he had in 1986 — the hammerlock drop. Davey always took that bump like a million bucks, too. Back to Hammer with a shoulderbreaker for two, but he gets cocky and Davey runs him into Dynamite’s head for the pin and the titles at 12:03. The fluke finish kind of fit with the theme of their matches leading up to this. The triumphant Bulldogs get to lay around on the floor while Lou Albano and Ozzy Osbourne celebrate with the belts. There’s the problem with this era in a nutshell. Dynamite just took an awesome bump for the finish, going from the top rope and landing flat-back on the floor off-camera. Good, hard-hitting stuff, although they didn’t even do the standard formula and just gave the Bulldogs a ton of offense to showcase them. It wasn’t a classic like the SNME 2/3 falls match was, but it was clearly the best match of the Chicago portion. ***1/2 – To La-La Land! – Hosted by Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes and Elvira. Hercules v. Ricky Steamboat This was originally booked as Bret Hart v. Ricky Steamboat but got changed around late in the game for more star power. That Bret match ended up happening at a house show for Coliseum Video and was pretty awesome. It was also on the Bret DVD, I believe. Herc goes with the sneak attack to start, but Steamboat evades him and chops him down. Into the armdrags and Steamboat works on that, but Hercules goes with a cheapshot to the throat and takes over. He pounds Steamboat down for two and gets a clothesline for two. Ugly press slam follows, so he does it again to get it right. Ugh, NEVER REPEAT THE SPOT. Herc goes up and lands on Ricky’s knees, allowing Steamboat to come back and finish with the bodypress at 7:26. Well that was out of nowhere, like most of the finishes tonight. *1/2 Uncle Elmer v. Adrian Adonis Adonis bumps around like crazy and falls out of the ring, as I guess staying far away from Elmer is the best way to get a decent match out of him. Elmer hauls him back in and Adonis bumps out again, getting tied in the ropes on the way out, in a spot you don’t see much if ever. Adonis gets a cheapshot to come back, but Elmer hits an Avalanche. Big fat legdrop misses and Adonis finishes him with the flying splash at 3:03. * for Adonis and his bumps. Terry & Dory Funk v. Junkyard Dog & Tito Santana Dog whips the Funks into each other and slams them to start, and Tito chases them out of the ring, prompting Terry to engage the front row in a friendly debate. Back in, Terry chops away on Tito, but he fires back with a clothesline to put him on the floor. Dory charges in and gets some of the same Wrath of Tito. So the Funks regroup and Terry gets into a boxing match with JYD and loses badly, allowing Dog to ram him into the turnbuckles 10 times and headbutt him down for two. Dog actually distracts the ref and tosses Terry for a tremendous bump over the top, and so Dory comes back in. The faces work him over in the corner, and Tito gets the flying forearm for two. Terry saves and Tito pounds on him as a result, too. Dory and Tito do the criss-cross, and that allows Terry to get the well-timed cheap knee from the apron, and the Funks take over. Terry with a suplex for two. Tito gets his own and they collide, but Terry falls into his own corner and brings Dory in. He hits Tito with a butterfly suplex for two and the Funks put him down with a double clothesline that gets two for Terry. Terry misses a legdrop and Tito crawls for the tag, but Terry puts him down with a headbutt. Hot tag JYD, however, and noggins are knocked. Clothesline for Terry, but he tries choking Dog out with the tag rope and gets backdropped over the top in Shawn Michaels-style crazy bump as a result. There’s not even any MATS! Dog slams him on the table as it totally gets crazy and they brawl at ringside, and Terry heads back in, where Dog gets a small package for two. Tito puts Dory in the figure-four, but prompts the ref to get him out of the ring, and Terry bops Dog with the megaphone for the pin at 11:33. See, now THEY worked the formula and this was a much clearer great tag match then the title match was. This is a lost WM classic and it never gets enough love, so I’m giving it some. **** (Let’s not go crazy here. I may have been over enthused when I gave that rating out.) WWF World title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy I believe this is the debut of the Big Blue Cage. This totally should have been Randy Savage main eventing. They slug it out to start and Hogan gets the big boot right away and chokes Bundy out with his own singlet. Corner clothesline and Axe bomber, but Bundy won’t go down. Bundy finally goes for the ribs (what was he waiting for, an invitation? A roadmap?) and slams him. He goes for the door but Hogan is still alive, so it’s back to pounding on the ribs and choking him out with the rib tape. Bundy tries tying him up with the tape, but knots are no match for Hulkamania and Hogan pulls him back from the door again. Hulk comes back with an elbow in the corner and sends Bundy into the cage, resulting in Bundy crawling right up to the ringside cameraman and gigging himself in plain view. Hogan works on the cut and sends him into the cage as Elvira wonders why they don’t stop it. I concur, it really sucks. Hulk tries a slam, but I guess Bundy hasn’t lost enough blood yet because he falls onto Hulk and reinjures the ribs. Hulk comes back and chokes him out with the tape, but Bundy hits the Avalanche and the big fat splash. I know what you’re thinking, “Hulk’s done!”, but no, he’s not. In fact he no-sells a second Avalanche, gets the slam, and climbs out to retain at 10:11. *1/2, which factors in Elvira sounding like the markiest rube who ever came out of the trailer park on commentary. Certainly not the worst WM, just a very rushed and oddly-booked one. But it has two very worthwhile tag matches and a lot of nostalgia value for me so it’s certainly watchable.
The SmarK Countdown: Wrestlemania 2
2nd March 2012 by Scott Keith
The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania 2 – This show is the debut of the floating WWF logo (“What the world is watching”) that is the WWF’s equivalent of the THX opening. Back when we poor Canadians had to watch WWF PPVs live on a big screen at our local arena, that generally got as big a pop as any wrestler. (Can you imagine the days when the WWF could actually come close to selling out a 12,000 seat arena just for showing a PPV on a screen?) – Dumbest idea ever: This is live from three different locations. Original airdate: April 7 / 1986First Stage: – Live from Uniondale, New York. – Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Susan Saint James. For those of you who have tuned out the 80s completely, Susan gained fame on a sitcom called “Kate & Allie”, although her initial celebrity push came from a show called “MacMillan and Wife”. She was married to Dick Ebersole at the time, who ran NBC, and was thus TNN to the WWF’s ECW at the time, if you will. (None of that makes any sense to people reading in 2012, of course.) – Opening match: Magnificent Muraco v. Paul Orndorff. Orndorff hasn’t turned on the Orange Goblin yet at this point, but he’s getting close. Orndorff holds a wristlock for a couple of minutes, but Muraco dumps him over the top to escape and they fight to a double countout. And that’s our first DUD of the night… (Brutally clipped on the Coliseum version, by the way) – Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. George Steele. Susan recaps the feud in two sentences. “He has this beautiful manager; he treats her like dirt. Animal is in love with her.” There ya go. (Try to recap the Kane v. Cena feud in two sentences. I DARE YOU. Simpler is better, well, most of the time.) Savage still doesn’t have the Memphis heel flushed out of his system yet, so he runs around the ring to escape Steele right away. And runs. And runs. Finally Steele catches him, but Savage runs away again. He brings back a bouquet of flowers (given to him by no less than Al Isaacs!) and they beat each other up with that. No, really. Savage even sells it. (That’s because he’s awesome.) Steele bites open the turnbuckle and rubs stuffing in Savage’s face, and Savage sells that too. More running, but Steele gets distracted talking to Liz (and I mean, really, who wouldn’t?) and Savage gets the double axehandle and big elbow, but Steele kicks out at two. Savage lures him into the corner and does the Ric Flair pin on him to retain the title. We’ll be generous and go -* – George Welles v. Jake Roberts. Welles is some football player turned wrestler, and not a very good one at that. This is during the Snake’s initial heel push in the WWF. Welles is like a bulkier Virgil (or Vince, as the case may be). Welles decimates Roberts with some basic stuff (slams, forearms, a flying headscissors and powerslam) before a ringside chase leads to a Roberts kneelift as Welles comes back in. DDT and it’s over. Roberts got no offense before the finish. Welles gets the Damian treatment, of course. * – Boxing match: Mr. T v. Rowdy Roddy Piper. This was set up by Saturday Night’s Main Event, as Piper and his, ahem, longtime companion Bob Orton pearl-harbored Mr. T during another boxing match. Piper gives a funny interview as he promises to quit boxing, wrestling, tiddlywinks and dating girls if T knocks him out. He pledges to keep Orton around, though. OOOOOOOO-kay, Roddy. Round one is pretty decent. I wonder if the actual boxing before the goofy ending was a shoot? Probably not. (Ya THINK?) Round two sees them visibly pulling their punches, with Piper absolutely walloping T to the point where he’d be unconscious if it were real. Crowd actually starts chanting “Rowdy Roddy” for the mega-heel Piper. Piper knocks T down again at the bell. Piper is super-cocky in round three, goofing around to start. T of course takes advantage and slaughters Piper in the corner. T hits a phantom punch and Piper rolls out of the ring to recouperate, pretty much giving it away as a work right there. Of course, it’s being promoted by a guy who once fixed a Karate Fighters tournament, so it’s hardly surprising. Round four begins and they start wailing away with roundhouse shots that would kill the other guy if it was a shoot. (I don’t remember if this was written before or after Brawl For All was foisted on the world, but it seems like it was written after. Point being, I don’t know why past Scott was so fixated on whether a match involving Roddy Piper might have been anything but a giant goofy work, but he should probably shut the fuck up about it already.) Finally Piper has enough and he shoves the referee down and bodyslams Mr. T to draw the DQ. I don’t rate boxing matches (does rec.sport.boxing use a five-star system? I’ve never checked) (answer: No, of course not, because boxing is competition and wrestling is exhibition) but this was a pretty good fight for the first three rounds. The Bottom Line: Well, that sucked. But the boxing match was pretty good. Second Stage: – Live from Chicago, Illinois. – Your hosts are Mean Gene, Gorilla Monsoon and Cathy Lee Crosby (from “That’s Incredible”) (or as the show was known in Japan, “Crappy tombstone piledriver”) – Opening match, Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Velvet MacIntyre. This lasts about a minute, with Velvet missing something off the top rope and Moolah getting the pin. DUD – Flag match: Nikolai Voloff v. Cpl. Kirschner. Winner gets to wave his country’s flag. Volkoff rams him into the post and then blades Kirschner right ON CAMERA while under the pretense of biting him. You can then see Volkoff putting the blade back into his tights. Kirschner rolls back and shoves the ref out of the way, then intercepts the cane tossed in by Freddie Blassie and nails Volkoff with it for the pin. Lasted all of a minute. DUD (I never got why they would bring in a military character who could be anything they wanted, and make him a CORPORAL. Why not an officer at the very least?) – Bill Fralic and John Studd jaw at each other during an interview. – 20 man football player/wrestler battle royale. Clara “Where’s the Beef” Peller is the guest timekeeper (As a lesson to those of you who believe in the power of social media to somehow influence the business for the better, Peller’s famous “Where’s the Beef?” ad campaign for Wendy’s actually resulted in a drop in their sales, despite the obnoxious catchphrase becoming a phenomenon in itself. It would be trending worldwide on 1986’s Twitter, you might say, and meant nothing for selling burgers. Take note, WWE.) and Dick “Pat Patterson’s favorite wrestler” Butkus is the guest referee. Jimbo Cobert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Dan Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga (Meng), The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino, William “Refrigerator” Perry and Andre the Giant are the entrants, and if you haven’t heard any of those names that’s probably because they’re the football players. Andre and Studd go right to it, of course. Squint and Spivey looks like Hogan. (Yeah, that’s pretty much what they hoped for) Cobert and Tonga eliminate each other to start. Bruno dumps Ernie Holmes. Jim Brunzell gets triple teamed and knocked out. The Harts work together of course. Andre dumps Tony Atlas. Studd and Fridge are pounding on each other for a good chunk of this thing. Old man Bruno is holding his own pretty good. Morales and Harvey Martin go at the same time. Ted Arcidi tries to dump Blair, but he slips underneath and knocks out Arcidi. Spivey gets dumped by Hillbilly Jim, who is in turn dumped by Blair, who is dumped while doing the dumping by the Sheik. Fralic gets tossed by Studd. Bruno dumps the Sheik. Bruno works over Studd while the Hart Foundation double-teams Perry. Studd tosses Bruno. Studd and Perry do the big showdown, with the Fridge running into Studd’s elbow and getting tossed. Fridge offers Studd a handshake in friendship, and of course proceeds to pull Studd out. (There’s your future hall-of-famer right there, ladies and gentlemen.) This leaves Andre, Russ Francis and the Hart Foundation. The Harts double-dropkick Andre into the ropes and then beat on Francis and dump him. They do the double-whip-tackle to soften him up, but on the second try Bret gets a foot in the face and Andre cleans house. Anvil gets the big boot and sells it so dramatically that he goes flying over the top rope, and then Bret comes off the top rope but gets caught and thrown out, giving the win to Andre. I don’t rate battle royales, but this wasn’t very good and way too fast. – WWF tag team title match: The Dream Team v. The British Bulldogs. The Bulldogs have Ozzy Osbourne in their corner. The Bulldogs had been chasing the Dream Team all over hell’s half-acre for months prior to this (Does anyone outside of the Canadian prairies ever use that phrase, by the way?) , and this would be the last title shot for them. You know how much people worship Chris Benoit today? (BACKSPACE BACKSPACE BACKSPACE!!!!) Benoit will NEVER be as good as Dynamite Kid. (Unless Dynamite was really good at…BAD SCOTT! NO!) That’s what kind of talent the world lost to Dynamite’s back injury. Davey Boy is the Marty Jannetty of the Bulldogs, the one who wasn’t supposed to get the singles push, but did by default. (And this analogy is the Marty Jannetty of analogies, because it deserves to be thrown through the window and sent to rehab. I guess you could equate Bulldog and Marty in terms of the drugs done by them, but Davey Boy was really more along the lines of Scott Steiner, the guy who got split off from his team against his will and reinvented himself as a huge singles star) It staggers the mind what Dynamite could have done in good health at this point in his career. Bulldogs just destroy Valentine and Beefcake with an awesome array of crisply delivered suplexes and clotheslines, but Beefcake lures Smith into the corner and Hammer comes off the top with a cheap shot to turn the tide. Bulldogs quickly reclaim it, but Valentine piledrives Dynamite (with a NASTY one, too) to get a couple of two counts. A pier-six erupts and Davey Boy comes in with a running powerslam for two. Hammer is actually playing a kind of heel in peril, taking a lot of punishment from the Bulldogs, presumably to showcase their offense to the casual fans. Davey Boy misses a charge to the corner and fucks up his shoulder, putting him in the Ricky Morton role. Insane move as Brutus hammerlocks Davey Boy and then drops him right on his arm. Smith is insane to sell that crazy shit. (Totally safe bump, though, just looks impressive.) Valentine hits a shoulderbreaker, but picks him up at two. Dynamite climbs to the top rope, and Smith shoves Valentine into Dynamite’s head and pins him out of nowhere to claim their first and only tag team title. ***1/2 Best match of the show, duh. (I’m continually disappointed by this match and hope that someday I’ll watch it and it’ll be as great as their house show series. But that never happens.) The Bottom Line: Tag title match is great, the rest is a pass. Third Stage: – Live from Los Angeles, California. – Your hosts are Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes and Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. – Opening match: Ricky Steamboat v. Hercules Hernandez. Hernandez was nothing at this point. Well, he had a big afro, but that doesn’t count for much. Steamboat armdrags him into oblivion, thus showing where his early-RSPW nickname of “Armdragon” came from. Steamer does his usual double-leapfrog/elbow combo to a big pop, and back to move #193 (ARM-bar). (Aha! This was written early 1998 judging by the Jericho reference, before I got totally sick of beating the joke into the ground. Perhaps someday that will happen with BONZO GONZO, but not yet. Not yet.) Herc elbows out and stunguns Steamboat, but doesn’t follow up. Steamboat is totally carrying this thing, setting up Herc’s moves for him and selling melodramatically. Herc is terrible, plodding around and hitting the occasional power move. He stupidly goes to the top rope and runs into Steamboat’s knees, allowing Steamer to do the same and finish it with a flying bodypress. *1/2 – Adrian Adonis v. Uncle Elmer. Hey, hillbillies. Alright. Elmer is some big fat guy, who I believe wrestled in Japan as Kamala II or something. (That is the kind of quality analysis and background you just don’t get elsewhere, folks.) He batters Adonis with his bulk, but misses the big fat legdrop, allowing Adonis to go to the top for a big fat splash for the pin. DUD – Tito Santana & Junkfood Dog v. Terry & Dory Funk. This is the final blowoff for the JYD v. Terry Funk feud that put Funk over as a crazy Texan. Terry was a spry 42 or so at this point, a mere lad compared to his decrepit state today. (Keep in mind this was written in 1998 and Funk is STILL semi-active today) Funk does his goofy selling for Santana. Mucho stalling. JYD beats up Terry for more goofy selling. He goes over the top rope two or three times for good measure. Dory comes in with some uppercuts on Tito, but Tito hits the Flying Jalapeno out of nowhere to send the Texans scurrying to regroup. Santana gets kneed in the back and becomes Ricardo Morton. The Funks do some great old-school suplexes and general heel punishment on Santana. Terry misses a legdrop, which allows Santana to make the hot tag to JYD. Terry takes a wicked backdrop out of the ring. JYD even slams Terry through a table outside! He’s hardcore! JYD makes the mistake of going after Jimmy Hart, however, which allows Terry to get the megaphone and bop JYD for the winning pin. Good little match. *** – Main event, WWF Title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy. The deal is simple: Bundy kicked the crap out of Hogan on SNME and Hogan wants revenge. The “can he win it?” factor: Hogan’s ribs are taped from the initial attack. Hogan blitzes Bundy to start, but Bundy is Just Too Big ™ and delivers the usual punishment to Hogan. Dare I ask why Lee Marshall is at ringside for this? Interesting trivia note about this match: RSPW urban legend Steve DiSalvo was one of the guys who set up the cage. (You can Wikipedia that shit if you care enough to, I’m moving onto the next rant.) Bundy of course rips off the tape around Hogan’s ribs and chokes him out with it. Bundy gets rammed to the cage and blades. On camera. Hogan with the BACK SCRATCHES OF DOOM and more face-ramming. Sadly, the BODYSLAM OF DEATH doesn’t work on the first try. Bundy with the Avalanche and Big Fat Splash, but Hogan does the big hulk-up job. Another Avalanche and Hulk no-sells. Hulk inadvertantly expands his repretoire by powerslamming Bundy on a botched bodyslam, then he drops the leg and climbs out to retain the title. And being the sportsman that he is, he beats up poor Bobby Heenan after the match. Call it about * The Bottom Line: Surprisingly good Funks match, the rest is a definite pass. The Bottom Bottom Line: Nothing terribly historically significant about this show, and there’s a couple of good matches, but overall I wouldn’t go out of my way to get it. The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania 2 – So while reading over the old WM rants in preparation for the reposts, I couldn’t help but notice that my original rant for this show (from the Coliseum video version) was due for a redo. So here’s the full PPV version, which comes from the VHS releases that came out in 97 or so. Good thing: Completely uncut PPV version complete with ORIGINAL MUSIC. Bad thing: It was recorded in EP mode on low quality tape, so I made sure to only watch it one time, when I recorded it to DVD. Yeah, I could just spring for the Anthology versions, but they’d probably overdub Nikolai Volkoff singing the Russian anthem because they couldn’t afford the music rights. The match lengths appear to be the same, but the interview order is all switched around from the Coliseum video. Anyway, for those who haven’t heard the story a million times, this was the very first wrestling show I ever watched by my own choice, as we rented it for my 12th birthday because the other kids were into wrestling, and then I checked out the weekly TV show as a result and Paul Orndorff like, totally turned on Hulk Hogan, and I was like “Um yeah, I’m watching this for the next 20 years or so unless it really starts to suck or too many people die.” (There you go, my basic life story in one paragraph.) – Live from Long Island NY, Chicago IL, Los Angeles CA. You’d think that they would have learned when Crockett tried that stunt and it didn’t work. – Your hosts of the first show are Vince McMahon & Susan St. James. – Roddy Piper pledges to quit wrestling, boxing, tiddly-winks and dating girls if Mr. T knocks him out tonight. Magnificent Muraco v. Paul Orndorff They really should have done Piper v. Orndorff as the big blowoff here instead of the matches we got from the two of them instead. Orndorff grabs a headlock to start, but Muraco slams out of it, so Paul slams him right back. Orndorff, Mr. Politically Correct, makes slant-eye gestures at Mr. Fuji because apparently it’s still 1962 and I didn’t notice. (BE A STAR, Paul.) Orndorff backdrops Muraco out of the corner and controls with an armbar, from which Muraco is unable to escape. They slug it out in the corner and tumble to the floor in slow fashion, and that leads to the double countout at 4:35. Yeah, quite the electric opener to Wrestlemania, as they got about as much time as a TV squash and never got it going. 1/2* Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. George Steele Macho runs away from George to start and we get a foot race, which leads to Steele catching Savage and gnawing on his leg. Susan: “All right, George, eat his leg!” How much did she get paid to do commentary here, I wonder? Back in the ring, Steele slugs him down, but gets distracted by Elizabeth and Savage lays in a beating on the ropes. A sloppy flying bodypress gets two, but Savage gets tossed to the floor as a result. Back in, Steele goes for the trachea and tosses him, but Savage outthinks him and slips under the ring for the sneak attack from the other side. Savage steals a bouquet of flowers from ringside (former wrestling website big shot Al Isaacs, apparently) and tries to attack with them, but gets them back in the face. As Poison said, every rose has its thorn. Steele goes for the turnbuckle and Savage gets to sell THAT, too, but Steele goes after Liz again and Savage jumps him, then hits the big elbow for two. Why does Steele of all people get to kick out of the elbow? George gets enraged and throws Savage into the corner, but that allows Macho to get the cheap pin at 7:08 with the ropes. Pretty fun, but Animal should have taken that elbow like a man. * (I’m somewhat astonished that this got upgraded from negative stars to a single star. I really am getting mellower in my old age.) Jake Roberts v. George Welles Alfonso Castillo of The Steel Cage had the best alternate name for “jobber to the stars” that I’ve heard — “In the ring to my left”. That’s who George Welles is here, the guy who is in the ring to the Fink’s left, and nothing more. Kind of a waste of Jake , one of the hottest heels in the business at this point. (Man, they had Savage, Jake AND Piper all under contract and on the heel side at once…and King Kong Bundy gets the main event slot. No wonder this show was terrible.) Welles attacks and throws forearms, but gets tossed out by Jake. Back in, Jake evades him and pauses to show the crowd how smart he is by using the universal heel symbol for that — pointing to his head. This of course allows Welles to hit him from behind with a shoulderblock and a flying headscissors of all things. Well, he’s trying. Welles chops Roberts down and follows with a kneelift as Jake is bumping all over hell’s half-acre for some reason. Powerslam gets two. Jake uses the old thumb to the eye and slithers around like Randy Orton, but not quite as viper-like, then hits a kneelift and finishes with the DDT at 3:00. Jake gives him the snake treatment and Welles foams at the mouth. That’s an interesting dramatic choice that no one else I can remember ever made. Good bumping from Jake. *1/2 – A bizarre parade of D-list celebs for the boxing match sees Joan Rivers introducing Daryl Dawkins, Cab Calloway, G. Gordon Liddy and “Herb” from the Burger King commercials. To show you the level of desperation for mainstream press we’re dealing with here, the “Herb” commercials of the 80s represent one of the biggest flops in advertising history and it’s pretty likely only about 5% of the people reading this even remember it. And it wasn’t even the actor, it was the character. That’d be like having the creepy Burger King as a “celebrity guest” today. So with that silliness out of the way, onto the REAL silliness… Boxing match: Roddy Piper v. Mr. T So they do dumb looking worked boxing in the first round, barely even making contact. Round two sees Piper cheating by over-greasing his face (Oh, snap, we totally need a match against George St. Pierre now!) (Wow, a dated UFC reference. Didn’t think you’d ever see that in these rants, did you?) and Piper takes over with cartoonish haymakers to put T down. Round three and T dominates this time and it’s all boring as hell. Round four and Piper is done, so he gets desperate and slams T for the DQ at 13:22. Yes, they booked a DQ in a boxing match, why do you ask? (Funny to note that the new format rant, where I’m generally more verbose with the match descriptions as a rule, features a much shorter version of the match than the original rant did. I’m a complex guy sometimes.) Over to Chicago, not a moment too soon… – Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon & Mean Gene & Cathy Lee Crosby Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Velvet McIntyre Moolah attacks with a pair of hairtosses, but Velvet dropkicks her down. Slam and she goes up, but misses by a mile and Moolah pins her at 0:55. No idea what the rush was. DUD (They should totally bring back Velvet as Sheamus’ mom. Finlay can be his dad and wackiness will result when his parents go out drinking and brawl every night because they’re IRISH. Like Sheamus, you see.) Flag match: Corporal Kirschner v. Nikolai Volkoff Volkoff attacks to start and tosses him, then sends him into the post for some unexpected blood. Wonder if they got shit for that afterwards? Back in, Kirschner slugs away and Blassie tries to throw the cane in, but the Corporal intercepts it and uses it for the pin at 1:33. DUD Wrestler/Football player Battle Royale: Jimbo Cobert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Dan Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga, The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino, William “Refrigerator” Perry and Andre the Giant are the entrants. William Perry is in the WWE Hall of Fame, so he’s gotta be good, right? I mean, they don’t just let ANYONE in. Tonga and a football player are the first out, and it’s just a big mass of guys milling around. Everyone gangs up on Brunzell for some reason and dumps him, and Bruno dumps Tony Atlas. Brian Blair and Iron Sheik slug it out in the corner and I’m praying that Sheik eliminates him so I can go for the obvious joke. Sadly, Ted Arcidi breaks it up and gets sent out by another roving gang as a result. Sheik backdrops Spivey out and then, YES, HE HUMBLES B. BRIAN BLAIR!!! I have to take my entertainment where I can get it. Having fulfilled my petty, petty entertainment needs (Those are the best kind, though), Bruno disposes of Sheik. More people go out and Fridge has a showdown with Studd and goes out as a result, but then he does the Hulk Hogan move and pulls Studd out. That was a Hall of Fame level double-cross. So we’ve got Andre, Russ Francis and the Hart Foundation, and really the odds weren’t good when it was 19 guys against Andre. The Harts dispose of Francis and work Andre over, but Bret walks into a big boot and Andre has had enough. Bing bang bong and Andre wins at 9:04. I don’t rate battle royales. WWF World tag team title: The Dream Team v. The British Bulldogs Davey Boy overpowers the Hammer to start and slugs away in the corner, then works on the arm. Dynamite comes in and sends Valentine into the corner for two, then stomps away and follows with a snap suplex for two. Smith adds a delayed suplex (talk about yin and yang offense — I never really made that connection before, although I don’t think it was intentional on their part) and Valentine bails to regroup. Back in, he hammers away in the corner and catches Davey dozing with a kneelift, and it’s over to Brutus. Davey gives him a super-crisp press slam to break up a wristlock, and Dynamite follows with a stiff clothesline and a chop for two. Small package gets two. Davey with a fisherman’s suplex for two. Props to Brutus for going out there and taking some pretty high-impact offense for the time. Hammer catches Davey with a sucker punch and hits a suplex for two before grabbing a headlock. Dynamite takes the blind tag and breaks it up, chopping Valentine into the corner and throwing shoulders to trigger the Flair Flop. That gets two. The Bulldogs double-team Valentine, but the Dream Team does their own double-teaming until Kid gets a sunset flip on Valentine for two. Backbreaker gets two. Kneedrop gets two. Valentine comes back with a nasty piledriver for two and goes up, but Kid slams him off for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Davey tries to press-slam Kid onto Valentine, but he smartly rolls out to disrupt their timing and hammers on Kid. Over to Davey, however, and he powerslams Valentine for two as the champs are looking overwhelmed. Suplex gets two for Smith. Finally Valentine manages to whip Davey into the post, and he stomps on the shoulder to take over. The Dream Team double-teams the arm, and Beefcake does the one good move he had in 1986 — the hammerlock drop. Davey always took that bump like a million bucks, too. Back to Hammer with a shoulderbreaker for two, but he gets cocky and Davey runs him into Dynamite’s head for the pin and the titles at 12:03. The fluke finish kind of fit with the theme of their matches leading up to this. The triumphant Bulldogs get to lay around on the floor while Lou Albano and Ozzy Osbourne celebrate with the belts. There’s the problem with this era in a nutshell. Dynamite just took an awesome bump for the finish, going from the top rope and landing flat-back on the floor off-camera. Good, hard-hitting stuff, although they didn’t even do the standard formula and just gave the Bulldogs a ton of offense to showcase them. It wasn’t a classic like the SNME 2/3 falls match was, but it was clearly the best match of the Chicago portion. ***1/2 – To La-La Land! – Hosted by Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes and Elvira. Hercules v. Ricky Steamboat This was originally booked as Bret Hart v. Ricky Steamboat but got changed around late in the game for more star power. That Bret match ended up happening at a house show for Coliseum Video and was pretty awesome. It was also on the Bret DVD, I believe. Herc goes with the sneak attack to start, but Steamboat evades him and chops him down. Into the armdrags and Steamboat works on that, but Hercules goes with a cheapshot to the throat and takes over. He pounds Steamboat down for two and gets a clothesline for two. Ugly press slam follows, so he does it again to get it right. Ugh, NEVER REPEAT THE SPOT. Herc goes up and lands on Ricky’s knees, allowing Steamboat to come back and finish with the bodypress at 7:26. Well that was out of nowhere, like most of the finishes tonight. *1/2 Uncle Elmer v. Adrian Adonis Adonis bumps around like crazy and falls out of the ring, as I guess staying far away from Elmer is the best way to get a decent match out of him. Elmer hauls him back in and Adonis bumps out again, getting tied in the ropes on the way out, in a spot you don’t see much if ever. Adonis gets a cheapshot to come back, but Elmer hits an Avalanche. Big fat legdrop misses and Adonis finishes him with the flying splash at 3:03. * for Adonis and his bumps. Terry & Dory Funk v. Junkyard Dog & Tito Santana Dog whips the Funks into each other and slams them to start, and Tito chases them out of the ring, prompting Terry to engage the front row in a friendly debate. Back in, Terry chops away on Tito, but he fires back with a clothesline to put him on the floor. Dory charges in and gets some of the same Wrath of Tito. So the Funks regroup and Terry gets into a boxing match with JYD and loses badly, allowing Dog to ram him into the turnbuckles 10 times and headbutt him down for two. Dog actually distracts the ref and tosses Terry for a tremendous bump over the top, and so Dory comes back in. The faces work him over in the corner, and Tito gets the flying forearm for two. Terry saves and Tito pounds on him as a result, too. Dory and Tito do the criss-cross, and that allows Terry to get the well-timed cheap knee from the apron, and the Funks take over. Terry with a suplex for two. Tito gets his own and they collide, but Terry falls into his own corner and brings Dory in. He hits Tito with a butterfly suplex for two and the Funks put him down with a double clothesline that gets two for Terry. Terry misses a legdrop and Tito crawls for the tag, but Terry puts him down with a headbutt. Hot tag JYD, however, and noggins are knocked. Clothesline for Terry, but he tries choking Dog out with the tag rope and gets backdropped over the top in Shawn Michaels-style crazy bump as a result. There’s not even any MATS! Dog slams him on the table as it totally gets crazy and they brawl at ringside, and Terry heads back in, where Dog gets a small package for two. Tito puts Dory in the figure-four, but prompts the ref to get him out of the ring, and Terry bops Dog with the megaphone for the pin at 11:33. See, now THEY worked the formula and this was a much clearer great tag match then the title match was. This is a lost WM classic and it never gets enough love, so I’m giving it some. **** (Let’s not go crazy here. I may have been over enthused when I gave that rating out.) WWF World title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy I believe this is the debut of the Big Blue Cage. This totally should have been Randy Savage main eventing. They slug it out to start and Hogan gets the big boot right away and chokes Bundy out with his own singlet. Corner clothesline and Axe bomber, but Bundy won’t go down. Bundy finally goes for the ribs (what was he waiting for, an invitation? A roadmap?) and slams him. He goes for the door but Hogan is still alive, so it’s back to pounding on the ribs and choking him out with the rib tape. Bundy tries tying him up with the tape, but knots are no match for Hulkamania and Hogan pulls him back from the door again. Hulk comes back with an elbow in the corner and sends Bundy into the cage, resulting in Bundy crawling right up to the ringside cameraman and gigging himself in plain view. Hogan works on the cut and sends him into the cage as Elvira wonders why they don’t stop it. I concur, it really sucks. Hulk tries a slam, but I guess Bundy hasn’t lost enough blood yet because he falls onto Hulk and reinjures the ribs. Hulk comes back and chokes him out with the tape, but Bundy hits the Avalanche and the big fat splash. I know what you’re thinking, “Hulk’s done!”, but no, he’s not. In fact he no-sells a second Avalanche, gets the slam, and climbs out to retain at 10:11. *1/2, which factors in Elvira sounding like the markiest rube who ever came out of the trailer park on commentary. Certainly not the worst WM, just a very rushed and oddly-booked one. But it has two very worthwhile tag matches and a lot of nostalgia value for me so it’s certainly watchable.
The SmarK Countdown: Wrestlemania 2
2nd March 2012 by Scott Keith
The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania 2 – This show is the debut of the floating WWF logo (“What the world is watching”) that is the WWF’s equivalent of the THX opening. Back when we poor Canadians had to watch WWF PPVs live on a big screen at our local arena, that generally got as big a pop as any wrestler. (Can you imagine the days when the WWF could actually come close to selling out a 12,000 seat arena just for showing a PPV on a screen?) – Dumbest idea ever: This is live from three different locations. Original airdate: April 7 / 1986First Stage: – Live from Uniondale, New York. – Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Susan Saint James. For those of you who have tuned out the 80s completely, Susan gained fame on a sitcom called “Kate & Allie”, although her initial celebrity push came from a show called “MacMillan and Wife”. She was married to Dick Ebersole at the time, who ran NBC, and was thus TNN to the WWF’s ECW at the time, if you will. (None of that makes any sense to people reading in 2012, of course.) – Opening match: Magnificent Muraco v. Paul Orndorff. Orndorff hasn’t turned on the Orange Goblin yet at this point, but he’s getting close. Orndorff holds a wristlock for a couple of minutes, but Muraco dumps him over the top to escape and they fight to a double countout. And that’s our first DUD of the night… (Brutally clipped on the Coliseum version, by the way) – Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. George Steele. Susan recaps the feud in two sentences. “He has this beautiful manager; he treats her like dirt. Animal is in love with her.” There ya go. (Try to recap the Kane v. Cena feud in two sentences. I DARE YOU. Simpler is better, well, most of the time.) Savage still doesn’t have the Memphis heel flushed out of his system yet, so he runs around the ring to escape Steele right away. And runs. And runs. Finally Steele catches him, but Savage runs away again. He brings back a bouquet of flowers (given to him by no less than Al Isaacs!) and they beat each other up with that. No, really. Savage even sells it. (That’s because he’s awesome.) Steele bites open the turnbuckle and rubs stuffing in Savage’s face, and Savage sells that too. More running, but Steele gets distracted talking to Liz (and I mean, really, who wouldn’t?) and Savage gets the double axehandle and big elbow, but Steele kicks out at two. Savage lures him into the corner and does the Ric Flair pin on him to retain the title. We’ll be generous and go -* – George Welles v. Jake Roberts. Welles is some football player turned wrestler, and not a very good one at that. This is during the Snake’s initial heel push in the WWF. Welles is like a bulkier Virgil (or Vince, as the case may be). Welles decimates Roberts with some basic stuff (slams, forearms, a flying headscissors and powerslam) before a ringside chase leads to a Roberts kneelift as Welles comes back in. DDT and it’s over. Roberts got no offense before the finish. Welles gets the Damian treatment, of course. * – Boxing match: Mr. T v. Rowdy Roddy Piper. This was set up by Saturday Night’s Main Event, as Piper and his, ahem, longtime companion Bob Orton pearl-harbored Mr. T during another boxing match. Piper gives a funny interview as he promises to quit boxing, wrestling, tiddlywinks and dating girls if T knocks him out. He pledges to keep Orton around, though. OOOOOOOO-kay, Roddy. Round one is pretty decent. I wonder if the actual boxing before the goofy ending was a shoot? Probably not. (Ya THINK?) Round two sees them visibly pulling their punches, with Piper absolutely walloping T to the point where he’d be unconscious if it were real. Crowd actually starts chanting “Rowdy Roddy” for the mega-heel Piper. Piper knocks T down again at the bell. Piper is super-cocky in round three, goofing around to start. T of course takes advantage and slaughters Piper in the corner. T hits a phantom punch and Piper rolls out of the ring to recouperate, pretty much giving it away as a work right there. Of course, it’s being promoted by a guy who once fixed a Karate Fighters tournament, so it’s hardly surprising. Round four begins and they start wailing away with roundhouse shots that would kill the other guy if it was a shoot. (I don’t remember if this was written before or after Brawl For All was foisted on the world, but it seems like it was written after. Point being, I don’t know why past Scott was so fixated on whether a match involving Roddy Piper might have been anything but a giant goofy work, but he should probably shut the fuck up about it already.) Finally Piper has enough and he shoves the referee down and bodyslams Mr. T to draw the DQ. I don’t rate boxing matches (does rec.sport.boxing use a five-star system? I’ve never checked) (answer: No, of course not, because boxing is competition and wrestling is exhibition) but this was a pretty good fight for the first three rounds. The Bottom Line: Well, that sucked. But the boxing match was pretty good. Second Stage: – Live from Chicago, Illinois. – Your hosts are Mean Gene, Gorilla Monsoon and Cathy Lee Crosby (from “That’s Incredible”) (or as the show was known in Japan, “Crappy tombstone piledriver”) – Opening match, Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Velvet MacIntyre. This lasts about a minute, with Velvet missing something off the top rope and Moolah getting the pin. DUD – Flag match: Nikolai Voloff v. Cpl. Kirschner. Winner gets to wave his country’s flag. Volkoff rams him into the post and then blades Kirschner right ON CAMERA while under the pretense of biting him. You can then see Volkoff putting the blade back into his tights. Kirschner rolls back and shoves the ref out of the way, then intercepts the cane tossed in by Freddie Blassie and nails Volkoff with it for the pin. Lasted all of a minute. DUD (I never got why they would bring in a military character who could be anything they wanted, and make him a CORPORAL. Why not an officer at the very least?) – Bill Fralic and John Studd jaw at each other during an interview. – 20 man football player/wrestler battle royale. Clara “Where’s the Beef” Peller is the guest timekeeper (As a lesson to those of you who believe in the power of social media to somehow influence the business for the better, Peller’s famous “Where’s the Beef?” ad campaign for Wendy’s actually resulted in a drop in their sales, despite the obnoxious catchphrase becoming a phenomenon in itself. It would be trending worldwide on 1986’s Twitter, you might say, and meant nothing for selling burgers. Take note, WWE.) and Dick “Pat Patterson’s favorite wrestler” Butkus is the guest referee. Jimbo Cobert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Dan Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga (Meng), The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino, William “Refrigerator” Perry and Andre the Giant are the entrants, and if you haven’t heard any of those names that’s probably because they’re the football players. Andre and Studd go right to it, of course. Squint and Spivey looks like Hogan. (Yeah, that’s pretty much what they hoped for) Cobert and Tonga eliminate each other to start. Bruno dumps Ernie Holmes. Jim Brunzell gets triple teamed and knocked out. The Harts work together of course. Andre dumps Tony Atlas. Studd and Fridge are pounding on each other for a good chunk of this thing. Old man Bruno is holding his own pretty good. Morales and Harvey Martin go at the same time. Ted Arcidi tries to dump Blair, but he slips underneath and knocks out Arcidi. Spivey gets dumped by Hillbilly Jim, who is in turn dumped by Blair, who is dumped while doing the dumping by the Sheik. Fralic gets tossed by Studd. Bruno dumps the Sheik. Bruno works over Studd while the Hart Foundation double-teams Perry. Studd tosses Bruno. Studd and Perry do the big showdown, with the Fridge running into Studd’s elbow and getting tossed. Fridge offers Studd a handshake in friendship, and of course proceeds to pull Studd out. (There’s your future hall-of-famer right there, ladies and gentlemen.) This leaves Andre, Russ Francis and the Hart Foundation. The Harts double-dropkick Andre into the ropes and then beat on Francis and dump him. They do the double-whip-tackle to soften him up, but on the second try Bret gets a foot in the face and Andre cleans house. Anvil gets the big boot and sells it so dramatically that he goes flying over the top rope, and then Bret comes off the top rope but gets caught and thrown out, giving the win to Andre. I don’t rate battle royales, but this wasn’t very good and way too fast. – WWF tag team title match: The Dream Team v. The British Bulldogs. The Bulldogs have Ozzy Osbourne in their corner. The Bulldogs had been chasing the Dream Team all over hell’s half-acre for months prior to this (Does anyone outside of the Canadian prairies ever use that phrase, by the way?) , and this would be the last title shot for them. You know how much people worship Chris Benoit today? (BACKSPACE BACKSPACE BACKSPACE!!!!) Benoit will NEVER be as good as Dynamite Kid. (Unless Dynamite was really good at…BAD SCOTT! NO!) That’s what kind of talent the world lost to Dynamite’s back injury. Davey Boy is the Marty Jannetty of the Bulldogs, the one who wasn’t supposed to get the singles push, but did by default. (And this analogy is the Marty Jannetty of analogies, because it deserves to be thrown through the window and sent to rehab. I guess you could equate Bulldog and Marty in terms of the drugs done by them, but Davey Boy was really more along the lines of Scott Steiner, the guy who got split off from his team against his will and reinvented himself as a huge singles star) It staggers the mind what Dynamite could have done in good health at this point in his career. Bulldogs just destroy Valentine and Beefcake with an awesome array of crisply delivered suplexes and clotheslines, but Beefcake lures Smith into the corner and Hammer comes off the top with a cheap shot to turn the tide. Bulldogs quickly reclaim it, but Valentine piledrives Dynamite (with a NASTY one, too) to get a couple of two counts. A pier-six erupts and Davey Boy comes in with a running powerslam for two. Hammer is actually playing a kind of heel in peril, taking a lot of punishment from the Bulldogs, presumably to showcase their offense to the casual fans. Davey Boy misses a charge to the corner and fucks up his shoulder, putting him in the Ricky Morton role. Insane move as Brutus hammerlocks Davey Boy and then drops him right on his arm. Smith is insane to sell that crazy shit. (Totally safe bump, though, just looks impressive.) Valentine hits a shoulderbreaker, but picks him up at two. Dynamite climbs to the top rope, and Smith shoves Valentine into Dynamite’s head and pins him out of nowhere to claim their first and only tag team title. ***1/2 Best match of the show, duh. (I’m continually disappointed by this match and hope that someday I’ll watch it and it’ll be as great as their house show series. But that never happens.) The Bottom Line: Tag title match is great, the rest is a pass. Third Stage: – Live from Los Angeles, California. – Your hosts are Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes and Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. – Opening match: Ricky Steamboat v. Hercules Hernandez. Hernandez was nothing at this point. Well, he had a big afro, but that doesn’t count for much. Steamboat armdrags him into oblivion, thus showing where his early-RSPW nickname of “Armdragon” came from. Steamer does his usual double-leapfrog/elbow combo to a big pop, and back to move #193 (ARM-bar). (Aha! This was written early 1998 judging by the Jericho reference, before I got totally sick of beating the joke into the ground. Perhaps someday that will happen with BONZO GONZO, but not yet. Not yet.) Herc elbows out and stunguns Steamboat, but doesn’t follow up. Steamboat is totally carrying this thing, setting up Herc’s moves for him and selling melodramatically. Herc is terrible, plodding around and hitting the occasional power move. He stupidly goes to the top rope and runs into Steamboat’s knees, allowing Steamer to do the same and finish it with a flying bodypress. *1/2 – Adrian Adonis v. Uncle Elmer. Hey, hillbillies. Alright. Elmer is some big fat guy, who I believe wrestled in Japan as Kamala II or something. (That is the kind of quality analysis and background you just don’t get elsewhere, folks.) He batters Adonis with his bulk, but misses the big fat legdrop, allowing Adonis to go to the top for a big fat splash for the pin. DUD – Tito Santana & Junkfood Dog v. Terry & Dory Funk. This is the final blowoff for the JYD v. Terry Funk feud that put Funk over as a crazy Texan. Terry was a spry 42 or so at this point, a mere lad compared to his decrepit state today. (Keep in mind this was written in 1998 and Funk is STILL semi-active today) Funk does his goofy selling for Santana. Mucho stalling. JYD beats up Terry for more goofy selling. He goes over the top rope two or three times for good measure. Dory comes in with some uppercuts on Tito, but Tito hits the Flying Jalapeno out of nowhere to send the Texans scurrying to regroup. Santana gets kneed in the back and becomes Ricardo Morton. The Funks do some great old-school suplexes and general heel punishment on Santana. Terry misses a legdrop, which allows Santana to make the hot tag to JYD. Terry takes a wicked backdrop out of the ring. JYD even slams Terry through a table outside! He’s hardcore! JYD makes the mistake of going after Jimmy Hart, however, which allows Terry to get the megaphone and bop JYD for the winning pin. Good little match. *** – Main event, WWF Title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy. The deal is simple: Bundy kicked the crap out of Hogan on SNME and Hogan wants revenge. The “can he win it?” factor: Hogan’s ribs are taped from the initial attack. Hogan blitzes Bundy to start, but Bundy is Just Too Big ™ and delivers the usual punishment to Hogan. Dare I ask why Lee Marshall is at ringside for this? Interesting trivia note about this match: RSPW urban legend Steve DiSalvo was one of the guys who set up the cage. (You can Wikipedia that shit if you care enough to, I’m moving onto the next rant.) Bundy of course rips off the tape around Hogan’s ribs and chokes him out with it. Bundy gets rammed to the cage and blades. On camera. Hogan with the BACK SCRATCHES OF DOOM and more face-ramming. Sadly, the BODYSLAM OF DEATH doesn’t work on the first try. Bundy with the Avalanche and Big Fat Splash, but Hogan does the big hulk-up job. Another Avalanche and Hulk no-sells. Hulk inadvertantly expands his repretoire by powerslamming Bundy on a botched bodyslam, then he drops the leg and climbs out to retain the title. And being the sportsman that he is, he beats up poor Bobby Heenan after the match. Call it about * The Bottom Line: Surprisingly good Funks match, the rest is a definite pass. The Bottom Bottom Line: Nothing terribly historically significant about this show, and there’s a couple of good matches, but overall I wouldn’t go out of my way to get it. The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania 2 – So while reading over the old WM rants in preparation for the reposts, I couldn’t help but notice that my original rant for this show (from the Coliseum video version) was due for a redo. So here’s the full PPV version, which comes from the VHS releases that came out in 97 or so. Good thing: Completely uncut PPV version complete with ORIGINAL MUSIC. Bad thing: It was recorded in EP mode on low quality tape, so I made sure to only watch it one time, when I recorded it to DVD. Yeah, I could just spring for the Anthology versions, but they’d probably overdub Nikolai Volkoff singing the Russian anthem because they couldn’t afford the music rights. The match lengths appear to be the same, but the interview order is all switched around from the Coliseum video. Anyway, for those who haven’t heard the story a million times, this was the very first wrestling show I ever watched by my own choice, as we rented it for my 12th birthday because the other kids were into wrestling, and then I checked out the weekly TV show as a result and Paul Orndorff like, totally turned on Hulk Hogan, and I was like “Um yeah, I’m watching this for the next 20 years or so unless it really starts to suck or too many people die.” (There you go, my basic life story in one paragraph.) – Live from Long Island NY, Chicago IL, Los Angeles CA. You’d think that they would have learned when Crockett tried that stunt and it didn’t work. – Your hosts of the first show are Vince McMahon & Susan St. James. – Roddy Piper pledges to quit wrestling, boxing, tiddly-winks and dating girls if Mr. T knocks him out tonight. Magnificent Muraco v. Paul Orndorff They really should have done Piper v. Orndorff as the big blowoff here instead of the matches we got from the two of them instead. Orndorff grabs a headlock to start, but Muraco slams out of it, so Paul slams him right back. Orndorff, Mr. Politically Correct, makes slant-eye gestures at Mr. Fuji because apparently it’s still 1962 and I didn’t notice. (BE A STAR, Paul.) Orndorff backdrops Muraco out of the corner and controls with an armbar, from which Muraco is unable to escape. They slug it out in the corner and tumble to the floor in slow fashion, and that leads to the double countout at 4:35. Yeah, quite the electric opener to Wrestlemania, as they got about as much time as a TV squash and never got it going. 1/2* Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. George Steele Macho runs away from George to start and we get a foot race, which leads to Steele catching Savage and gnawing on his leg. Susan: “All right, George, eat his leg!” How much did she get paid to do commentary here, I wonder? Back in the ring, Steele slugs him down, but gets distracted by Elizabeth and Savage lays in a beating on the ropes. A sloppy flying bodypress gets two, but Savage gets tossed to the floor as a result. Back in, Steele goes for the trachea and tosses him, but Savage outthinks him and slips under the ring for the sneak attack from the other side. Savage steals a bouquet of flowers from ringside (former wrestling website big shot Al Isaacs, apparently) and tries to attack with them, but gets them back in the face. As Poison said, every rose has its thorn. Steele goes for the turnbuckle and Savage gets to sell THAT, too, but Steele goes after Liz again and Savage jumps him, then hits the big elbow for two. Why does Steele of all people get to kick out of the elbow? George gets enraged and throws Savage into the corner, but that allows Macho to get the cheap pin at 7:08 with the ropes. Pretty fun, but Animal should have taken that elbow like a man. * (I’m somewhat astonished that this got upgraded from negative stars to a single star. I really am getting mellower in my old age.) Jake Roberts v. George Welles Alfonso Castillo of The Steel Cage had the best alternate name for “jobber to the stars” that I’ve heard — “In the ring to my left”. That’s who George Welles is here, the guy who is in the ring to the Fink’s left, and nothing more. Kind of a waste of Jake , one of the hottest heels in the business at this point. (Man, they had Savage, Jake AND Piper all under contract and on the heel side at once…and King Kong Bundy gets the main event slot. No wonder this show was terrible.) Welles attacks and throws forearms, but gets tossed out by Jake. Back in, Jake evades him and pauses to show the crowd how smart he is by using the universal heel symbol for that — pointing to his head. This of course allows Welles to hit him from behind with a shoulderblock and a flying headscissors of all things. Well, he’s trying. Welles chops Roberts down and follows with a kneelift as Jake is bumping all over hell’s half-acre for some reason. Powerslam gets two. Jake uses the old thumb to the eye and slithers around like Randy Orton, but not quite as viper-like, then hits a kneelift and finishes with the DDT at 3:00. Jake gives him the snake treatment and Welles foams at the mouth. That’s an interesting dramatic choice that no one else I can remember ever made. Good bumping from Jake. *1/2 – A bizarre parade of D-list celebs for the boxing match sees Joan Rivers introducing Daryl Dawkins, Cab Calloway, G. Gordon Liddy and “Herb” from the Burger King commercials. To show you the level of desperation for mainstream press we’re dealing with here, the “Herb” commercials of the 80s represent one of the biggest flops in advertising history and it’s pretty likely only about 5% of the people reading this even remember it. And it wasn’t even the actor, it was the character. That’d be like having the creepy Burger King as a “celebrity guest” today. So with that silliness out of the way, onto the REAL silliness… Boxing match: Roddy Piper v. Mr. T So they do dumb looking worked boxing in the first round, barely even making contact. Round two sees Piper cheating by over-greasing his face (Oh, snap, we totally need a match against George St. Pierre now!) (Wow, a dated UFC reference. Didn’t think you’d ever see that in these rants, did you?) and Piper takes over with cartoonish haymakers to put T down. Round three and T dominates this time and it’s all boring as hell. Round four and Piper is done, so he gets desperate and slams T for the DQ at 13:22. Yes, they booked a DQ in a boxing match, why do you ask? (Funny to note that the new format rant, where I’m generally more verbose with the match descriptions as a rule, features a much shorter version of the match than the original rant did. I’m a complex guy sometimes.) Over to Chicago, not a moment too soon… – Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon & Mean Gene & Cathy Lee Crosby Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Velvet McIntyre Moolah attacks with a pair of hairtosses, but Velvet dropkicks her down. Slam and she goes up, but misses by a mile and Moolah pins her at 0:55. No idea what the rush was. DUD (They should totally bring back Velvet as Sheamus’ mom. Finlay can be his dad and wackiness will result when his parents go out drinking and brawl every night because they’re IRISH. Like Sheamus, you see.) Flag match: Corporal Kirschner v. Nikolai Volkoff Volkoff attacks to start and tosses him, then sends him into the post for some unexpected blood. Wonder if they got shit for that afterwards? Back in, Kirschner slugs away and Blassie tries to throw the cane in, but the Corporal intercepts it and uses it for the pin at 1:33. DUD Wrestler/Football player Battle Royale: Jimbo Cobert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Dan Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga, The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino, William “Refrigerator” Perry and Andre the Giant are the entrants. William Perry is in the WWE Hall of Fame, so he’s gotta be good, right? I mean, they don’t just let ANYONE in. Tonga and a football player are the first out, and it’s just a big mass of guys milling around. Everyone gangs up on Brunzell for some reason and dumps him, and Bruno dumps Tony Atlas. Brian Blair and Iron Sheik slug it out in the corner and I’m praying that Sheik eliminates him so I can go for the obvious joke. Sadly, Ted Arcidi breaks it up and gets sent out by another roving gang as a result. Sheik backdrops Spivey out and then, YES, HE HUMBLES B. BRIAN BLAIR!!! I have to take my entertainment where I can get it. Having fulfilled my petty, petty entertainment needs (Those are the best kind, though), Bruno disposes of Sheik. More people go out and Fridge has a showdown with Studd and goes out as a result, but then he does the Hulk Hogan move and pulls Studd out. That was a Hall of Fame level double-cross. So we’ve got Andre, Russ Francis and the Hart Foundation, and really the odds weren’t good when it was 19 guys against Andre. The Harts dispose of Francis and work Andre over, but Bret walks into a big boot and Andre has had enough. Bing bang bong and Andre wins at 9:04. I don’t rate battle royales. WWF World tag team title: The Dream Team v. The British Bulldogs Davey Boy overpowers the Hammer to start and slugs away in the corner, then works on the arm. Dynamite comes in and sends Valentine into the corner for two, then stomps away and follows with a snap suplex for two. Smith adds a delayed suplex (talk about yin and yang offense — I never really made that connection before, although I don’t think it was intentional on their part) and Valentine bails to regroup. Back in, he hammers away in the corner and catches Davey dozing with a kneelift, and it’s over to Brutus. Davey gives him a super-crisp press slam to break up a wristlock, and Dynamite follows with a stiff clothesline and a chop for two. Small package gets two. Davey with a fisherman’s suplex for two. Props to Brutus for going out there and taking some pretty high-impact offense for the time. Hammer catches Davey with a sucker punch and hits a suplex for two before grabbing a headlock. Dynamite takes the blind tag and breaks it up, chopping Valentine into the corner and throwing shoulders to trigger the Flair Flop. That gets two. The Bulldogs double-team Valentine, but the Dream Team does their own double-teaming until Kid gets a sunset flip on Valentine for two. Backbreaker gets two. Kneedrop gets two. Valentine comes back with a nasty piledriver for two and goes up, but Kid slams him off for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Davey tries to press-slam Kid onto Valentine, but he smartly rolls out to disrupt their timing and hammers on Kid. Over to Davey, however, and he powerslams Valentine for two as the champs are looking overwhelmed. Suplex gets two for Smith. Finally Valentine manages to whip Davey into the post, and he stomps on the shoulder to take over. The Dream Team double-teams the arm, and Beefcake does the one good move he had in 1986 — the hammerlock drop. Davey always took that bump like a million bucks, too. Back to Hammer with a shoulderbreaker for two, but he gets cocky and Davey runs him into Dynamite’s head for the pin and the titles at 12:03. The fluke finish kind of fit with the theme of their matches leading up to this. The triumphant Bulldogs get to lay around on the floor while Lou Albano and Ozzy Osbourne celebrate with the belts. There’s the problem with this era in a nutshell. Dynamite just took an awesome bump for the finish, going from the top rope and landing flat-back on the floor off-camera. Good, hard-hitting stuff, although they didn’t even do the standard formula and just gave the Bulldogs a ton of offense to showcase them. It wasn’t a classic like the SNME 2/3 falls match was, but it was clearly the best match of the Chicago portion. ***1/2 – To La-La Land! – Hosted by Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes and Elvira. Hercules v. Ricky Steamboat This was originally booked as Bret Hart v. Ricky Steamboat but got changed around late in the game for more star power. That Bret match ended up happening at a house show for Coliseum Video and was pretty awesome. It was also on the Bret DVD, I believe. Herc goes with the sneak attack to start, but Steamboat evades him and chops him down. Into the armdrags and Steamboat works on that, but Hercules goes with a cheapshot to the throat and takes over. He pounds Steamboat down for two and gets a clothesline for two. Ugly press slam follows, so he does it again to get it right. Ugh, NEVER REPEAT THE SPOT. Herc goes up and lands on Ricky’s knees, allowing Steamboat to come back and finish with the bodypress at 7:26. Well that was out of nowhere, like most of the finishes tonight. *1/2 Uncle Elmer v. Adrian Adonis Adonis bumps around like crazy and falls out of the ring, as I guess staying far away from Elmer is the best way to get a decent match out of him. Elmer hauls him back in and Adonis bumps out again, getting tied in the ropes on the way out, in a spot you don’t see much if ever. Adonis gets a cheapshot to come back, but Elmer hits an Avalanche. Big fat legdrop misses and Adonis finishes him with the flying splash at 3:03. * for Adonis and his bumps. Terry & Dory Funk v. Junkyard Dog & Tito Santana Dog whips the Funks into each other and slams them to start, and Tito chases them out of the ring, prompting Terry to engage the front row in a friendly debate. Back in, Terry chops away on Tito, but he fires back with a clothesline to put him on the floor. Dory charges in and gets some of the same Wrath of Tito. So the Funks regroup and Terry gets into a boxing match with JYD and loses badly, allowing Dog to ram him into the turnbuckles 10 times and headbutt him down for two. Dog actually distracts the ref and tosses Terry for a tremendous bump over the top, and so Dory comes back in. The faces work him over in the corner, and Tito gets the flying forearm for two. Terry saves and Tito pounds on him as a result, too. Dory and Tito do the criss-cross, and that allows Terry to get the well-timed cheap knee from the apron, and the Funks take over. Terry with a suplex for two. Tito gets his own and they collide, but Terry falls into his own corner and brings Dory in. He hits Tito with a butterfly suplex for two and the Funks put him down with a double clothesline that gets two for Terry. Terry misses a legdrop and Tito crawls for the tag, but Terry puts him down with a headbutt. Hot tag JYD, however, and noggins are knocked. Clothesline for Terry, but he tries choking Dog out with the tag rope and gets backdropped over the top in Shawn Michaels-style crazy bump as a result. There’s not even any MATS! Dog slams him on the table as it totally gets crazy and they brawl at ringside, and Terry heads back in, where Dog gets a small package for two. Tito puts Dory in the figure-four, but prompts the ref to get him out of the ring, and Terry bops Dog with the megaphone for the pin at 11:33. See, now THEY worked the formula and this was a much clearer great tag match then the title match was. This is a lost WM classic and it never gets enough love, so I’m giving it some. **** (Let’s not go crazy here. I may have been over enthused when I gave that rating out.) WWF World title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy I believe this is the debut of the Big Blue Cage. This totally should have been Randy Savage main eventing. They slug it out to start and Hogan gets the big boot right away and chokes Bundy out with his own singlet. Corner clothesline and Axe bomber, but Bundy won’t go down. Bundy finally goes for the ribs (what was he waiting for, an invitation? A roadmap?) and slams him. He goes for the door but Hogan is still alive, so it’s back to pounding on the ribs and choking him out with the rib tape. Bundy tries tying him up with the tape, but knots are no match for Hulkamania and Hogan pulls him back from the door again. Hulk comes back with an elbow in the corner and sends Bundy into the cage, resulting in Bundy crawling right up to the ringside cameraman and gigging himself in plain view. Hogan works on the cut and sends him into the cage as Elvira wonders why they don’t stop it. I concur, it really sucks. Hulk tries a slam, but I guess Bundy hasn’t lost enough blood yet because he falls onto Hulk and reinjures the ribs. Hulk comes back and chokes him out with the tape, but Bundy hits the Avalanche and the big fat splash. I know what you’re thinking, “Hulk’s done!”, but no, he’s not. In fact he no-sells a second Avalanche, gets the slam, and climbs out to retain at 10:11. *1/2, which factors in Elvira sounding like the markiest rube who ever came out of the trailer park on commentary. Certainly not the worst WM, just a very rushed and oddly-booked one. But it has two very worthwhile tag matches and a lot of nostalgia value for me so it’s certainly watchable.
The SmarK Countdown: Wrestlemania 2
2nd March 2012 by Scott Keith
The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania 2 – This show is the debut of the floating WWF logo (“What the world is watching”) that is the WWF’s equivalent of the THX opening. Back when we poor Canadians had to watch WWF PPVs live on a big screen at our local arena, that generally got as big a pop as any wrestler. (Can you imagine the days when the WWF could actually come close to selling out a 12,000 seat arena just for showing a PPV on a screen?) – Dumbest idea ever: This is live from three different locations. Original airdate: April 7 / 1986First Stage: – Live from Uniondale, New York. – Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Susan Saint James. For those of you who have tuned out the 80s completely, Susan gained fame on a sitcom called “Kate & Allie”, although her initial celebrity push came from a show called “MacMillan and Wife”. She was married to Dick Ebersole at the time, who ran NBC, and was thus TNN to the WWF’s ECW at the time, if you will. (None of that makes any sense to people reading in 2012, of course.) – Opening match: Magnificent Muraco v. Paul Orndorff. Orndorff hasn’t turned on the Orange Goblin yet at this point, but he’s getting close. Orndorff holds a wristlock for a couple of minutes, but Muraco dumps him over the top to escape and they fight to a double countout. And that’s our first DUD of the night… (Brutally clipped on the Coliseum version, by the way) – Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. George Steele. Susan recaps the feud in two sentences. “He has this beautiful manager; he treats her like dirt. Animal is in love with her.” There ya go. (Try to recap the Kane v. Cena feud in two sentences. I DARE YOU. Simpler is better, well, most of the time.) Savage still doesn’t have the Memphis heel flushed out of his system yet, so he runs around the ring to escape Steele right away. And runs. And runs. Finally Steele catches him, but Savage runs away again. He brings back a bouquet of flowers (given to him by no less than Al Isaacs!) and they beat each other up with that. No, really. Savage even sells it. (That’s because he’s awesome.) Steele bites open the turnbuckle and rubs stuffing in Savage’s face, and Savage sells that too. More running, but Steele gets distracted talking to Liz (and I mean, really, who wouldn’t?) and Savage gets the double axehandle and big elbow, but Steele kicks out at two. Savage lures him into the corner and does the Ric Flair pin on him to retain the title. We’ll be generous and go -* – George Welles v. Jake Roberts. Welles is some football player turned wrestler, and not a very good one at that. This is during the Snake’s initial heel push in the WWF. Welles is like a bulkier Virgil (or Vince, as the case may be). Welles decimates Roberts with some basic stuff (slams, forearms, a flying headscissors and powerslam) before a ringside chase leads to a Roberts kneelift as Welles comes back in. DDT and it’s over. Roberts got no offense before the finish. Welles gets the Damian treatment, of course. * – Boxing match: Mr. T v. Rowdy Roddy Piper. This was set up by Saturday Night’s Main Event, as Piper and his, ahem, longtime companion Bob Orton pearl-harbored Mr. T during another boxing match. Piper gives a funny interview as he promises to quit boxing, wrestling, tiddlywinks and dating girls if T knocks him out. He pledges to keep Orton around, though. OOOOOOOO-kay, Roddy. Round one is pretty decent. I wonder if the actual boxing before the goofy ending was a shoot? Probably not. (Ya THINK?) Round two sees them visibly pulling their punches, with Piper absolutely walloping T to the point where he’d be unconscious if it were real. Crowd actually starts chanting “Rowdy Roddy” for the mega-heel Piper. Piper knocks T down again at the bell. Piper is super-cocky in round three, goofing around to start. T of course takes advantage and slaughters Piper in the corner. T hits a phantom punch and Piper rolls out of the ring to recouperate, pretty much giving it away as a work right there. Of course, it’s being promoted by a guy who once fixed a Karate Fighters tournament, so it’s hardly surprising. Round four begins and they start wailing away with roundhouse shots that would kill the other guy if it was a shoot. (I don’t remember if this was written before or after Brawl For All was foisted on the world, but it seems like it was written after. Point being, I don’t know why past Scott was so fixated on whether a match involving Roddy Piper might have been anything but a giant goofy work, but he should probably shut the fuck up about it already.) Finally Piper has enough and he shoves the referee down and bodyslams Mr. T to draw the DQ. I don’t rate boxing matches (does rec.sport.boxing use a five-star system? I’ve never checked) (answer: No, of course not, because boxing is competition and wrestling is exhibition) but this was a pretty good fight for the first three rounds. The Bottom Line: Well, that sucked. But the boxing match was pretty good. Second Stage: – Live from Chicago, Illinois. – Your hosts are Mean Gene, Gorilla Monsoon and Cathy Lee Crosby (from “That’s Incredible”) (or as the show was known in Japan, “Crappy tombstone piledriver”) – Opening match, Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Velvet MacIntyre. This lasts about a minute, with Velvet missing something off the top rope and Moolah getting the pin. DUD – Flag match: Nikolai Voloff v. Cpl. Kirschner. Winner gets to wave his country’s flag. Volkoff rams him into the post and then blades Kirschner right ON CAMERA while under the pretense of biting him. You can then see Volkoff putting the blade back into his tights. Kirschner rolls back and shoves the ref out of the way, then intercepts the cane tossed in by Freddie Blassie and nails Volkoff with it for the pin. Lasted all of a minute. DUD (I never got why they would bring in a military character who could be anything they wanted, and make him a CORPORAL. Why not an officer at the very least?) – Bill Fralic and John Studd jaw at each other during an interview. – 20 man football player/wrestler battle royale. Clara “Where’s the Beef” Peller is the guest timekeeper (As a lesson to those of you who believe in the power of social media to somehow influence the business for the better, Peller’s famous “Where’s the Beef?” ad campaign for Wendy’s actually resulted in a drop in their sales, despite the obnoxious catchphrase becoming a phenomenon in itself. It would be trending worldwide on 1986’s Twitter, you might say, and meant nothing for selling burgers. Take note, WWE.) and Dick “Pat Patterson’s favorite wrestler” Butkus is the guest referee. Jimbo Cobert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Dan Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga (Meng), The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino, William “Refrigerator” Perry and Andre the Giant are the entrants, and if you haven’t heard any of those names that’s probably because they’re the football players. Andre and Studd go right to it, of course. Squint and Spivey looks like Hogan. (Yeah, that’s pretty much what they hoped for) Cobert and Tonga eliminate each other to start. Bruno dumps Ernie Holmes. Jim Brunzell gets triple teamed and knocked out. The Harts work together of course. Andre dumps Tony Atlas. Studd and Fridge are pounding on each other for a good chunk of this thing. Old man Bruno is holding his own pretty good. Morales and Harvey Martin go at the same time. Ted Arcidi tries to dump Blair, but he slips underneath and knocks out Arcidi. Spivey gets dumped by Hillbilly Jim, who is in turn dumped by Blair, who is dumped while doing the dumping by the Sheik. Fralic gets tossed by Studd. Bruno dumps the Sheik. Bruno works over Studd while the Hart Foundation double-teams Perry. Studd tosses Bruno. Studd and Perry do the big showdown, with the Fridge running into Studd’s elbow and getting tossed. Fridge offers Studd a handshake in friendship, and of course proceeds to pull Studd out. (There’s your future hall-of-famer right there, ladies and gentlemen.) This leaves Andre, Russ Francis and the Hart Foundation. The Harts double-dropkick Andre into the ropes and then beat on Francis and dump him. They do the double-whip-tackle to soften him up, but on the second try Bret gets a foot in the face and Andre cleans house. Anvil gets the big boot and sells it so dramatically that he goes flying over the top rope, and then Bret comes off the top rope but gets caught and thrown out, giving the win to Andre. I don’t rate battle royales, but this wasn’t very good and way too fast. – WWF tag team title match: The Dream Team v. The British Bulldogs. The Bulldogs have Ozzy Osbourne in their corner. The Bulldogs had been chasing the Dream Team all over hell’s half-acre for months prior to this (Does anyone outside of the Canadian prairies ever use that phrase, by the way?) , and this would be the last title shot for them. You know how much people worship Chris Benoit today? (BACKSPACE BACKSPACE BACKSPACE!!!!) Benoit will NEVER be as good as Dynamite Kid. (Unless Dynamite was really good at…BAD SCOTT! NO!) That’s what kind of talent the world lost to Dynamite’s back injury. Davey Boy is the Marty Jannetty of the Bulldogs, the one who wasn’t supposed to get the singles push, but did by default. (And this analogy is the Marty Jannetty of analogies, because it deserves to be thrown through the window and sent to rehab. I guess you could equate Bulldog and Marty in terms of the drugs done by them, but Davey Boy was really more along the lines of Scott Steiner, the guy who got split off from his team against his will and reinvented himself as a huge singles star) It staggers the mind what Dynamite could have done in good health at this point in his career. Bulldogs just destroy Valentine and Beefcake with an awesome array of crisply delivered suplexes and clotheslines, but Beefcake lures Smith into the corner and Hammer comes off the top with a cheap shot to turn the tide. Bulldogs quickly reclaim it, but Valentine piledrives Dynamite (with a NASTY one, too) to get a couple of two counts. A pier-six erupts and Davey Boy comes in with a running powerslam for two. Hammer is actually playing a kind of heel in peril, taking a lot of punishment from the Bulldogs, presumably to showcase their offense to the casual fans. Davey Boy misses a charge to the corner and fucks up his shoulder, putting him in the Ricky Morton role. Insane move as Brutus hammerlocks Davey Boy and then drops him right on his arm. Smith is insane to sell that crazy shit. (Totally safe bump, though, just looks impressive.) Valentine hits a shoulderbreaker, but picks him up at two. Dynamite climbs to the top rope, and Smith shoves Valentine into Dynamite’s head and pins him out of nowhere to claim their first and only tag team title. ***1/2 Best match of the show, duh. (I’m continually disappointed by this match and hope that someday I’ll watch it and it’ll be as great as their house show series. But that never happens.) The Bottom Line: Tag title match is great, the rest is a pass. Third Stage: – Live from Los Angeles, California. – Your hosts are Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes and Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. – Opening match: Ricky Steamboat v. Hercules Hernandez. Hernandez was nothing at this point. Well, he had a big afro, but that doesn’t count for much. Steamboat armdrags him into oblivion, thus showing where his early-RSPW nickname of “Armdragon” came from. Steamer does his usual double-leapfrog/elbow combo to a big pop, and back to move #193 (ARM-bar). (Aha! This was written early 1998 judging by the Jericho reference, before I got totally sick of beating the joke into the ground. Perhaps someday that will happen with BONZO GONZO, but not yet. Not yet.) Herc elbows out and stunguns Steamboat, but doesn’t follow up. Steamboat is totally carrying this thing, setting up Herc’s moves for him and selling melodramatically. Herc is terrible, plodding around and hitting the occasional power move. He stupidly goes to the top rope and runs into Steamboat’s knees, allowing Steamer to do the same and finish it with a flying bodypress. *1/2 – Adrian Adonis v. Uncle Elmer. Hey, hillbillies. Alright. Elmer is some big fat guy, who I believe wrestled in Japan as Kamala II or something. (That is the kind of quality analysis and background you just don’t get elsewhere, folks.) He batters Adonis with his bulk, but misses the big fat legdrop, allowing Adonis to go to the top for a big fat splash for the pin. DUD – Tito Santana & Junkfood Dog v. Terry & Dory Funk. This is the final blowoff for the JYD v. Terry Funk feud that put Funk over as a crazy Texan. Terry was a spry 42 or so at this point, a mere lad compared to his decrepit state today. (Keep in mind this was written in 1998 and Funk is STILL semi-active today) Funk does his goofy selling for Santana. Mucho stalling. JYD beats up Terry for more goofy selling. He goes over the top rope two or three times for good measure. Dory comes in with some uppercuts on Tito, but Tito hits the Flying Jalapeno out of nowhere to send the Texans scurrying to regroup. Santana gets kneed in the back and becomes Ricardo Morton. The Funks do some great old-school suplexes and general heel punishment on Santana. Terry misses a legdrop, which allows Santana to make the hot tag to JYD. Terry takes a wicked backdrop out of the ring. JYD even slams Terry through a table outside! He’s hardcore! JYD makes the mistake of going after Jimmy Hart, however, which allows Terry to get the megaphone and bop JYD for the winning pin. Good little match. *** – Main event, WWF Title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy. The deal is simple: Bundy kicked the crap out of Hogan on SNME and Hogan wants revenge. The “can he win it?” factor: Hogan’s ribs are taped from the initial attack. Hogan blitzes Bundy to start, but Bundy is Just Too Big ™ and delivers the usual punishment to Hogan. Dare I ask why Lee Marshall is at ringside for this? Interesting trivia note about this match: RSPW urban legend Steve DiSalvo was one of the guys who set up the cage. (You can Wikipedia that shit if you care enough to, I’m moving onto the next rant.) Bundy of course rips off the tape around Hogan’s ribs and chokes him out with it. Bundy gets rammed to the cage and blades. On camera. Hogan with the BACK SCRATCHES OF DOOM and more face-ramming. Sadly, the BODYSLAM OF DEATH doesn’t work on the first try. Bundy with the Avalanche and Big Fat Splash, but Hogan does the big hulk-up job. Another Avalanche and Hulk no-sells. Hulk inadvertantly expands his repretoire by powerslamming Bundy on a botched bodyslam, then he drops the leg and climbs out to retain the title. And being the sportsman that he is, he beats up poor Bobby Heenan after the match. Call it about * The Bottom Line: Surprisingly good Funks match, the rest is a definite pass. The Bottom Bottom Line: Nothing terribly historically significant about this show, and there’s a couple of good matches, but overall I wouldn’t go out of my way to get it. The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania 2 – So while reading over the old WM rants in preparation for the reposts, I couldn’t help but notice that my original rant for this show (from the Coliseum video version) was due for a redo. So here’s the full PPV version, which comes from the VHS releases that came out in 97 or so. Good thing: Completely uncut PPV version complete with ORIGINAL MUSIC. Bad thing: It was recorded in EP mode on low quality tape, so I made sure to only watch it one time, when I recorded it to DVD. Yeah, I could just spring for the Anthology versions, but they’d probably overdub Nikolai Volkoff singing the Russian anthem because they couldn’t afford the music rights. The match lengths appear to be the same, but the interview order is all switched around from the Coliseum video. Anyway, for those who haven’t heard the story a million times, this was the very first wrestling show I ever watched by my own choice, as we rented it for my 12th birthday because the other kids were into wrestling, and then I checked out the weekly TV show as a result and Paul Orndorff like, totally turned on Hulk Hogan, and I was like “Um yeah, I’m watching this for the next 20 years or so unless it really starts to suck or too many people die.” (There you go, my basic life story in one paragraph.) – Live from Long Island NY, Chicago IL, Los Angeles CA. You’d think that they would have learned when Crockett tried that stunt and it didn’t work. – Your hosts of the first show are Vince McMahon & Susan St. James. – Roddy Piper pledges to quit wrestling, boxing, tiddly-winks and dating girls if Mr. T knocks him out tonight. Magnificent Muraco v. Paul Orndorff They really should have done Piper v. Orndorff as the big blowoff here instead of the matches we got from the two of them instead. Orndorff grabs a headlock to start, but Muraco slams out of it, so Paul slams him right back. Orndorff, Mr. Politically Correct, makes slant-eye gestures at Mr. Fuji because apparently it’s still 1962 and I didn’t notice. (BE A STAR, Paul.) Orndorff backdrops Muraco out of the corner and controls with an armbar, from which Muraco is unable to escape. They slug it out in the corner and tumble to the floor in slow fashion, and that leads to the double countout at 4:35. Yeah, quite the electric opener to Wrestlemania, as they got about as much time as a TV squash and never got it going. 1/2* Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. George Steele Macho runs away from George to start and we get a foot race, which leads to Steele catching Savage and gnawing on his leg. Susan: “All right, George, eat his leg!” How much did she get paid to do commentary here, I wonder? Back in the ring, Steele slugs him down, but gets distracted by Elizabeth and Savage lays in a beating on the ropes. A sloppy flying bodypress gets two, but Savage gets tossed to the floor as a result. Back in, Steele goes for the trachea and tosses him, but Savage outthinks him and slips under the ring for the sneak attack from the other side. Savage steals a bouquet of flowers from ringside (former wrestling website big shot Al Isaacs, apparently) and tries to attack with them, but gets them back in the face. As Poison said, every rose has its thorn. Steele goes for the turnbuckle and Savage gets to sell THAT, too, but Steele goes after Liz again and Savage jumps him, then hits the big elbow for two. Why does Steele of all people get to kick out of the elbow? George gets enraged and throws Savage into the corner, but that allows Macho to get the cheap pin at 7:08 with the ropes. Pretty fun, but Animal should have taken that elbow like a man. * (I’m somewhat astonished that this got upgraded from negative stars to a single star. I really am getting mellower in my old age.) Jake Roberts v. George Welles Alfonso Castillo of The Steel Cage had the best alternate name for “jobber to the stars” that I’ve heard — “In the ring to my left”. That’s who George Welles is here, the guy who is in the ring to the Fink’s left, and nothing more. Kind of a waste of Jake , one of the hottest heels in the business at this point. (Man, they had Savage, Jake AND Piper all under contract and on the heel side at once…and King Kong Bundy gets the main event slot. No wonder this show was terrible.) Welles attacks and throws forearms, but gets tossed out by Jake. Back in, Jake evades him and pauses to show the crowd how smart he is by using the universal heel symbol for that — pointing to his head. This of course allows Welles to hit him from behind with a shoulderblock and a flying headscissors of all things. Well, he’s trying. Welles chops Roberts down and follows with a kneelift as Jake is bumping all over hell’s half-acre for some reason. Powerslam gets two. Jake uses the old thumb to the eye and slithers around like Randy Orton, but not quite as viper-like, then hits a kneelift and finishes with the DDT at 3:00. Jake gives him the snake treatment and Welles foams at the mouth. That’s an interesting dramatic choice that no one else I can remember ever made. Good bumping from Jake. *1/2 – A bizarre parade of D-list celebs for the boxing match sees Joan Rivers introducing Daryl Dawkins, Cab Calloway, G. Gordon Liddy and “Herb” from the Burger King commercials. To show you the level of desperation for mainstream press we’re dealing with here, the “Herb” commercials of the 80s represent one of the biggest flops in advertising history and it’s pretty likely only about 5% of the people reading this even remember it. And it wasn’t even the actor, it was the character. That’d be like having the creepy Burger King as a “celebrity guest” today. So with that silliness out of the way, onto the REAL silliness… Boxing match: Roddy Piper v. Mr. T So they do dumb looking worked boxing in the first round, barely even making contact. Round two sees Piper cheating by over-greasing his face (Oh, snap, we totally need a match against George St. Pierre now!) (Wow, a dated UFC reference. Didn’t think you’d ever see that in these rants, did you?) and Piper takes over with cartoonish haymakers to put T down. Round three and T dominates this time and it’s all boring as hell. Round four and Piper is done, so he gets desperate and slams T for the DQ at 13:22. Yes, they booked a DQ in a boxing match, why do you ask? (Funny to note that the new format rant, where I’m generally more verbose with the match descriptions as a rule, features a much shorter version of the match than the original rant did. I’m a complex guy sometimes.) Over to Chicago, not a moment too soon… – Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon & Mean Gene & Cathy Lee Crosby Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Velvet McIntyre Moolah attacks with a pair of hairtosses, but Velvet dropkicks her down. Slam and she goes up, but misses by a mile and Moolah pins her at 0:55. No idea what the rush was. DUD (They should totally bring back Velvet as Sheamus’ mom. Finlay can be his dad and wackiness will result when his parents go out drinking and brawl every night because they’re IRISH. Like Sheamus, you see.) Flag match: Corporal Kirschner v. Nikolai Volkoff Volkoff attacks to start and tosses him, then sends him into the post for some unexpected blood. Wonder if they got shit for that afterwards? Back in, Kirschner slugs away and Blassie tries to throw the cane in, but the Corporal intercepts it and uses it for the pin at 1:33. DUD Wrestler/Football player Battle Royale: Jimbo Cobert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Dan Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga, The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino, William “Refrigerator” Perry and Andre the Giant are the entrants. William Perry is in the WWE Hall of Fame, so he’s gotta be good, right? I mean, they don’t just let ANYONE in. Tonga and a football player are the first out, and it’s just a big mass of guys milling around. Everyone gangs up on Brunzell for some reason and dumps him, and Bruno dumps Tony Atlas. Brian Blair and Iron Sheik slug it out in the corner and I’m praying that Sheik eliminates him so I can go for the obvious joke. Sadly, Ted Arcidi breaks it up and gets sent out by another roving gang as a result. Sheik backdrops Spivey out and then, YES, HE HUMBLES B. BRIAN BLAIR!!! I have to take my entertainment where I can get it. Having fulfilled my petty, petty entertainment needs (Those are the best kind, though), Bruno disposes of Sheik. More people go out and Fridge has a showdown with Studd and goes out as a result, but then he does the Hulk Hogan move and pulls Studd out. That was a Hall of Fame level double-cross. So we’ve got Andre, Russ Francis and the Hart Foundation, and really the odds weren’t good when it was 19 guys against Andre. The Harts dispose of Francis and work Andre over, but Bret walks into a big boot and Andre has had enough. Bing bang bong and Andre wins at 9:04. I don’t rate battle royales. WWF World tag team title: The Dream Team v. The British Bulldogs Davey Boy overpowers the Hammer to start and slugs away in the corner, then works on the arm. Dynamite comes in and sends Valentine into the corner for two, then stomps away and follows with a snap suplex for two. Smith adds a delayed suplex (talk about yin and yang offense — I never really made that connection before, although I don’t think it was intentional on their part) and Valentine bails to regroup. Back in, he hammers away in the corner and catches Davey dozing with a kneelift, and it’s over to Brutus. Davey gives him a super-crisp press slam to break up a wristlock, and Dynamite follows with a stiff clothesline and a chop for two. Small package gets two. Davey with a fisherman’s suplex for two. Props to Brutus for going out there and taking some pretty high-impact offense for the time. Hammer catches Davey with a sucker punch and hits a suplex for two before grabbing a headlock. Dynamite takes the blind tag and breaks it up, chopping Valentine into the corner and throwing shoulders to trigger the Flair Flop. That gets two. The Bulldogs double-team Valentine, but the Dream Team does their own double-teaming until Kid gets a sunset flip on Valentine for two. Backbreaker gets two. Kneedrop gets two. Valentine comes back with a nasty piledriver for two and goes up, but Kid slams him off for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Davey tries to press-slam Kid onto Valentine, but he smartly rolls out to disrupt their timing and hammers on Kid. Over to Davey, however, and he powerslams Valentine for two as the champs are looking overwhelmed. Suplex gets two for Smith. Finally Valentine manages to whip Davey into the post, and he stomps on the shoulder to take over. The Dream Team double-teams the arm, and Beefcake does the one good move he had in 1986 — the hammerlock drop. Davey always took that bump like a million bucks, too. Back to Hammer with a shoulderbreaker for two, but he gets cocky and Davey runs him into Dynamite’s head for the pin and the titles at 12:03. The fluke finish kind of fit with the theme of their matches leading up to this. The triumphant Bulldogs get to lay around on the floor while Lou Albano and Ozzy Osbourne celebrate with the belts. There’s the problem with this era in a nutshell. Dynamite just took an awesome bump for the finish, going from the top rope and landing flat-back on the floor off-camera. Good, hard-hitting stuff, although they didn’t even do the standard formula and just gave the Bulldogs a ton of offense to showcase them. It wasn’t a classic like the SNME 2/3 falls match was, but it was clearly the best match of the Chicago portion. ***1/2 – To La-La Land! – Hosted by Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes and Elvira. Hercules v. Ricky Steamboat This was originally booked as Bret Hart v. Ricky Steamboat but got changed around late in the game for more star power. That Bret match ended up happening at a house show for Coliseum Video and was pretty awesome. It was also on the Bret DVD, I believe. Herc goes with the sneak attack to start, but Steamboat evades him and chops him down. Into the armdrags and Steamboat works on that, but Hercules goes with a cheapshot to the throat and takes over. He pounds Steamboat down for two and gets a clothesline for two. Ugly press slam follows, so he does it again to get it right. Ugh, NEVER REPEAT THE SPOT. Herc goes up and lands on Ricky’s knees, allowing Steamboat to come back and finish with the bodypress at 7:26. Well that was out of nowhere, like most of the finishes tonight. *1/2 Uncle Elmer v. Adrian Adonis Adonis bumps around like crazy and falls out of the ring, as I guess staying far away from Elmer is the best way to get a decent match out of him. Elmer hauls him back in and Adonis bumps out again, getting tied in the ropes on the way out, in a spot you don’t see much if ever. Adonis gets a cheapshot to come back, but Elmer hits an Avalanche. Big fat legdrop misses and Adonis finishes him with the flying splash at 3:03. * for Adonis and his bumps. Terry & Dory Funk v. Junkyard Dog & Tito Santana Dog whips the Funks into each other and slams them to start, and Tito chases them out of the ring, prompting Terry to engage the front row in a friendly debate. Back in, Terry chops away on Tito, but he fires back with a clothesline to put him on the floor. Dory charges in and gets some of the same Wrath of Tito. So the Funks regroup and Terry gets into a boxing match with JYD and loses badly, allowing Dog to ram him into the turnbuckles 10 times and headbutt him down for two. Dog actually distracts the ref and tosses Terry for a tremendous bump over the top, and so Dory comes back in. The faces work him over in the corner, and Tito gets the flying forearm for two. Terry saves and Tito pounds on him as a result, too. Dory and Tito do the criss-cross, and that allows Terry to get the well-timed cheap knee from the apron, and the Funks take over. Terry with a suplex for two. Tito gets his own and they collide, but Terry falls into his own corner and brings Dory in. He hits Tito with a butterfly suplex for two and the Funks put him down with a double clothesline that gets two for Terry. Terry misses a legdrop and Tito crawls for the tag, but Terry puts him down with a headbutt. Hot tag JYD, however, and noggins are knocked. Clothesline for Terry, but he tries choking Dog out with the tag rope and gets backdropped over the top in Shawn Michaels-style crazy bump as a result. There’s not even any MATS! Dog slams him on the table as it totally gets crazy and they brawl at ringside, and Terry heads back in, where Dog gets a small package for two. Tito puts Dory in the figure-four, but prompts the ref to get him out of the ring, and Terry bops Dog with the megaphone for the pin at 11:33. See, now THEY worked the formula and this was a much clearer great tag match then the title match was. This is a lost WM classic and it never gets enough love, so I’m giving it some. **** (Let’s not go crazy here. I may have been over enthused when I gave that rating out.) WWF World title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy I believe this is the debut of the Big Blue Cage. This totally should have been Randy Savage main eventing. They slug it out to start and Hogan gets the big boot right away and chokes Bundy out with his own singlet. Corner clothesline and Axe bomber, but Bundy won’t go down. Bundy finally goes for the ribs (what was he waiting for, an invitation? A roadmap?) and slams him. He goes for the door but Hogan is still alive, so it’s back to pounding on the ribs and choking him out with the rib tape. Bundy tries tying him up with the tape, but knots are no match for Hulkamania and Hogan pulls him back from the door again. Hulk comes back with an elbow in the corner and sends Bundy into the cage, resulting in Bundy crawling right up to the ringside cameraman and gigging himself in plain view. Hogan works on the cut and sends him into the cage as Elvira wonders why they don’t stop it. I concur, it really sucks. Hulk tries a slam, but I guess Bundy hasn’t lost enough blood yet because he falls onto Hulk and reinjures the ribs. Hulk comes back and chokes him out with the tape, but Bundy hits the Avalanche and the big fat splash. I know what you’re thinking, “Hulk’s done!”, but no, he’s not. In fact he no-sells a second Avalanche, gets the slam, and climbs out to retain at 10:11. *1/2, which factors in Elvira sounding like the markiest rube who ever came out of the trailer park on commentary. Certainly not the worst WM, just a very rushed and oddly-booked one. But it has two very worthwhile tag matches and a lot of nostalgia value for me so it’s certainly watchable.
The SmarK Countdown: Wrestlemania 2
2nd March 2012 by Scott Keith
The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania 2 – This show is the debut of the floating WWF logo (“What the world is watching”) that is the WWF’s equivalent of the THX opening. Back when we poor Canadians had to watch WWF PPVs live on a big screen at our local arena, that generally got as big a pop as any wrestler. (Can you imagine the days when the WWF could actually come close to selling out a 12,000 seat arena just for showing a PPV on a screen?) – Dumbest idea ever: This is live from three different locations. Original airdate: April 7 / 1986First Stage: – Live from Uniondale, New York. – Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Susan Saint James. For those of you who have tuned out the 80s completely, Susan gained fame on a sitcom called “Kate & Allie”, although her initial celebrity push came from a show called “MacMillan and Wife”. She was married to Dick Ebersole at the time, who ran NBC, and was thus TNN to the WWF’s ECW at the time, if you will. (None of that makes any sense to people reading in 2012, of course.) – Opening match: Magnificent Muraco v. Paul Orndorff. Orndorff hasn’t turned on the Orange Goblin yet at this point, but he’s getting close. Orndorff holds a wristlock for a couple of minutes, but Muraco dumps him over the top to escape and they fight to a double countout. And that’s our first DUD of the night… (Brutally clipped on the Coliseum version, by the way) – Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. George Steele. Susan recaps the feud in two sentences. “He has this beautiful manager; he treats her like dirt. Animal is in love with her.” There ya go. (Try to recap the Kane v. Cena feud in two sentences. I DARE YOU. Simpler is better, well, most of the time.) Savage still doesn’t have the Memphis heel flushed out of his system yet, so he runs around the ring to escape Steele right away. And runs. And runs. Finally Steele catches him, but Savage runs away again. He brings back a bouquet of flowers (given to him by no less than Al Isaacs!) and they beat each other up with that. No, really. Savage even sells it. (That’s because he’s awesome.) Steele bites open the turnbuckle and rubs stuffing in Savage’s face, and Savage sells that too. More running, but Steele gets distracted talking to Liz (and I mean, really, who wouldn’t?) and Savage gets the double axehandle and big elbow, but Steele kicks out at two. Savage lures him into the corner and does the Ric Flair pin on him to retain the title. We’ll be generous and go -* – George Welles v. Jake Roberts. Welles is some football player turned wrestler, and not a very good one at that. This is during the Snake’s initial heel push in the WWF. Welles is like a bulkier Virgil (or Vince, as the case may be). Welles decimates Roberts with some basic stuff (slams, forearms, a flying headscissors and powerslam) before a ringside chase leads to a Roberts kneelift as Welles comes back in. DDT and it’s over. Roberts got no offense before the finish. Welles gets the Damian treatment, of course. * – Boxing match: Mr. T v. Rowdy Roddy Piper. This was set up by Saturday Night’s Main Event, as Piper and his, ahem, longtime companion Bob Orton pearl-harbored Mr. T during another boxing match. Piper gives a funny interview as he promises to quit boxing, wrestling, tiddlywinks and dating girls if T knocks him out. He pledges to keep Orton around, though. OOOOOOOO-kay, Roddy. Round one is pretty decent. I wonder if the actual boxing before the goofy ending was a shoot? Probably not. (Ya THINK?) Round two sees them visibly pulling their punches, with Piper absolutely walloping T to the point where he’d be unconscious if it were real. Crowd actually starts chanting “Rowdy Roddy” for the mega-heel Piper. Piper knocks T down again at the bell. Piper is super-cocky in round three, goofing around to start. T of course takes advantage and slaughters Piper in the corner. T hits a phantom punch and Piper rolls out of the ring to recouperate, pretty much giving it away as a work right there. Of course, it’s being promoted by a guy who once fixed a Karate Fighters tournament, so it’s hardly surprising. Round four begins and they start wailing away with roundhouse shots that would kill the other guy if it was a shoot. (I don’t remember if this was written before or after Brawl For All was foisted on the world, but it seems like it was written after. Point being, I don’t know why past Scott was so fixated on whether a match involving Roddy Piper might have been anything but a giant goofy work, but he should probably shut the fuck up about it already.) Finally Piper has enough and he shoves the referee down and bodyslams Mr. T to draw the DQ. I don’t rate boxing matches (does rec.sport.boxing use a five-star system? I’ve never checked) (answer: No, of course not, because boxing is competition and wrestling is exhibition) but this was a pretty good fight for the first three rounds. The Bottom Line: Well, that sucked. But the boxing match was pretty good. Second Stage: – Live from Chicago, Illinois. – Your hosts are Mean Gene, Gorilla Monsoon and Cathy Lee Crosby (from “That’s Incredible”) (or as the show was known in Japan, “Crappy tombstone piledriver”) – Opening match, Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Velvet MacIntyre. This lasts about a minute, with Velvet missing something off the top rope and Moolah getting the pin. DUD – Flag match: Nikolai Voloff v. Cpl. Kirschner. Winner gets to wave his country’s flag. Volkoff rams him into the post and then blades Kirschner right ON CAMERA while under the pretense of biting him. You can then see Volkoff putting the blade back into his tights. Kirschner rolls back and shoves the ref out of the way, then intercepts the cane tossed in by Freddie Blassie and nails Volkoff with it for the pin. Lasted all of a minute. DUD (I never got why they would bring in a military character who could be anything they wanted, and make him a CORPORAL. Why not an officer at the very least?) – Bill Fralic and John Studd jaw at each other during an interview. – 20 man football player/wrestler battle royale. Clara “Where’s the Beef” Peller is the guest timekeeper (As a lesson to those of you who believe in the power of social media to somehow influence the business for the better, Peller’s famous “Where’s the Beef?” ad campaign for Wendy’s actually resulted in a drop in their sales, despite the obnoxious catchphrase becoming a phenomenon in itself. It would be trending worldwide on 1986’s Twitter, you might say, and meant nothing for selling burgers. Take note, WWE.) and Dick “Pat Patterson’s favorite wrestler” Butkus is the guest referee. Jimbo Cobert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Dan Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga (Meng), The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino, William “Refrigerator” Perry and Andre the Giant are the entrants, and if you haven’t heard any of those names that’s probably because they’re the football players. Andre and Studd go right to it, of course. Squint and Spivey looks like Hogan. (Yeah, that’s pretty much what they hoped for) Cobert and Tonga eliminate each other to start. Bruno dumps Ernie Holmes. Jim Brunzell gets triple teamed and knocked out. The Harts work together of course. Andre dumps Tony Atlas. Studd and Fridge are pounding on each other for a good chunk of this thing. Old man Bruno is holding his own pretty good. Morales and Harvey Martin go at the same time. Ted Arcidi tries to dump Blair, but he slips underneath and knocks out Arcidi. Spivey gets dumped by Hillbilly Jim, who is in turn dumped by Blair, who is dumped while doing the dumping by the Sheik. Fralic gets tossed by Studd. Bruno dumps the Sheik. Bruno works over Studd while the Hart Foundation double-teams Perry. Studd tosses Bruno. Studd and Perry do the big showdown, with the Fridge running into Studd’s elbow and getting tossed. Fridge offers Studd a handshake in friendship, and of course proceeds to pull Studd out. (There’s your future hall-of-famer right there, ladies and gentlemen.) This leaves Andre, Russ Francis and the Hart Foundation. The Harts double-dropkick Andre into the ropes and then beat on Francis and dump him. They do the double-whip-tackle to soften him up, but on the second try Bret gets a foot in the face and Andre cleans house. Anvil gets the big boot and sells it so dramatically that he goes flying over the top rope, and then Bret comes off the top rope but gets caught and thrown out, giving the win to Andre. I don’t rate battle royales, but this wasn’t very good and way too fast. – WWF tag team title match: The Dream Team v. The British Bulldogs. The Bulldogs have Ozzy Osbourne in their corner. The Bulldogs had been chasing the Dream Team all over hell’s half-acre for months prior to this (Does anyone outside of the Canadian prairies ever use that phrase, by the way?) , and this would be the last title shot for them. You know how much people worship Chris Benoit today? (BACKSPACE BACKSPACE BACKSPACE!!!!) Benoit will NEVER be as good as Dynamite Kid. (Unless Dynamite was really good at…BAD SCOTT! NO!) That’s what kind of talent the world lost to Dynamite’s back injury. Davey Boy is the Marty Jannetty of the Bulldogs, the one who wasn’t supposed to get the singles push, but did by default. (And this analogy is the Marty Jannetty of analogies, because it deserves to be thrown through the window and sent to rehab. I guess you could equate Bulldog and Marty in terms of the drugs done by them, but Davey Boy was really more along the lines of Scott Steiner, the guy who got split off from his team against his will and reinvented himself as a huge singles star) It staggers the mind what Dynamite could have done in good health at this point in his career. Bulldogs just destroy Valentine and Beefcake with an awesome array of crisply delivered suplexes and clotheslines, but Beefcake lures Smith into the corner and Hammer comes off the top with a cheap shot to turn the tide. Bulldogs quickly reclaim it, but Valentine piledrives Dynamite (with a NASTY one, too) to get a couple of two counts. A pier-six erupts and Davey Boy comes in with a running powerslam for two. Hammer is actually playing a kind of heel in peril, taking a lot of punishment from the Bulldogs, presumably to showcase their offense to the casual fans. Davey Boy misses a charge to the corner and fucks up his shoulder, putting him in the Ricky Morton role. Insane move as Brutus hammerlocks Davey Boy and then drops him right on his arm. Smith is insane to sell that crazy shit. (Totally safe bump, though, just looks impressive.) Valentine hits a shoulderbreaker, but picks him up at two. Dynamite climbs to the top rope, and Smith shoves Valentine into Dynamite’s head and pins him out of nowhere to claim their first and only tag team title. ***1/2 Best match of the show, duh. (I’m continually disappointed by this match and hope that someday I’ll watch it and it’ll be as great as their house show series. But that never happens.) The Bottom Line: Tag title match is great, the rest is a pass. Third Stage: – Live from Los Angeles, California. – Your hosts are Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes and Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. – Opening match: Ricky Steamboat v. Hercules Hernandez. Hernandez was nothing at this point. Well, he had a big afro, but that doesn’t count for much. Steamboat armdrags him into oblivion, thus showing where his early-RSPW nickname of “Armdragon” came from. Steamer does his usual double-leapfrog/elbow combo to a big pop, and back to move #193 (ARM-bar). (Aha! This was written early 1998 judging by the Jericho reference, before I got totally sick of beating the joke into the ground. Perhaps someday that will happen with BONZO GONZO, but not yet. Not yet.) Herc elbows out and stunguns Steamboat, but doesn’t follow up. Steamboat is totally carrying this thing, setting up Herc’s moves for him and selling melodramatically. Herc is terrible, plodding around and hitting the occasional power move. He stupidly goes to the top rope and runs into Steamboat’s knees, allowing Steamer to do the same and finish it with a flying bodypress. *1/2 – Adrian Adonis v. Uncle Elmer. Hey, hillbillies. Alright. Elmer is some big fat guy, who I believe wrestled in Japan as Kamala II or something. (That is the kind of quality analysis and background you just don’t get elsewhere, folks.) He batters Adonis with his bulk, but misses the big fat legdrop, allowing Adonis to go to the top for a big fat splash for the pin. DUD – Tito Santana & Junkfood Dog v. Terry & Dory Funk. This is the final blowoff for the JYD v. Terry Funk feud that put Funk over as a crazy Texan. Terry was a spry 42 or so at this point, a mere lad compared to his decrepit state today. (Keep in mind this was written in 1998 and Funk is STILL semi-active today) Funk does his goofy selling for Santana. Mucho stalling. JYD beats up Terry for more goofy selling. He goes over the top rope two or three times for good measure. Dory comes in with some uppercuts on Tito, but Tito hits the Flying Jalapeno out of nowhere to send the Texans scurrying to regroup. Santana gets kneed in the back and becomes Ricardo Morton. The Funks do some great old-school suplexes and general heel punishment on Santana. Terry misses a legdrop, which allows Santana to make the hot tag to JYD. Terry takes a wicked backdrop out of the ring. JYD even slams Terry through a table outside! He’s hardcore! JYD makes the mistake of going after Jimmy Hart, however, which allows Terry to get the megaphone and bop JYD for the winning pin. Good little match. *** – Main event, WWF Title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy. The deal is simple: Bundy kicked the crap out of Hogan on SNME and Hogan wants revenge. The “can he win it?” factor: Hogan’s ribs are taped from the initial attack. Hogan blitzes Bundy to start, but Bundy is Just Too Big ™ and delivers the usual punishment to Hogan. Dare I ask why Lee Marshall is at ringside for this? Interesting trivia note about this match: RSPW urban legend Steve DiSalvo was one of the guys who set up the cage. (You can Wikipedia that shit if you care enough to, I’m moving onto the next rant.) Bundy of course rips off the tape around Hogan’s ribs and chokes him out with it. Bundy gets rammed to the cage and blades. On camera. Hogan with the BACK SCRATCHES OF DOOM and more face-ramming. Sadly, the BODYSLAM OF DEATH doesn’t work on the first try. Bundy with the Avalanche and Big Fat Splash, but Hogan does the big hulk-up job. Another Avalanche and Hulk no-sells. Hulk inadvertantly expands his repretoire by powerslamming Bundy on a botched bodyslam, then he drops the leg and climbs out to retain the title. And being the sportsman that he is, he beats up poor Bobby Heenan after the match. Call it about * The Bottom Line: Surprisingly good Funks match, the rest is a definite pass. The Bottom Bottom Line: Nothing terribly historically significant about this show, and there’s a couple of good matches, but overall I wouldn’t go out of my way to get it. The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania 2 – So while reading over the old WM rants in preparation for the reposts, I couldn’t help but notice that my original rant for this show (from the Coliseum video version) was due for a redo. So here’s the full PPV version, which comes from the VHS releases that came out in 97 or so. Good thing: Completely uncut PPV version complete with ORIGINAL MUSIC. Bad thing: It was recorded in EP mode on low quality tape, so I made sure to only watch it one time, when I recorded it to DVD. Yeah, I could just spring for the Anthology versions, but they’d probably overdub Nikolai Volkoff singing the Russian anthem because they couldn’t afford the music rights. The match lengths appear to be the same, but the interview order is all switched around from the Coliseum video. Anyway, for those who haven’t heard the story a million times, this was the very first wrestling show I ever watched by my own choice, as we rented it for my 12th birthday because the other kids were into wrestling, and then I checked out the weekly TV show as a result and Paul Orndorff like, totally turned on Hulk Hogan, and I was like “Um yeah, I’m watching this for the next 20 years or so unless it really starts to suck or too many people die.” (There you go, my basic life story in one paragraph.) – Live from Long Island NY, Chicago IL, Los Angeles CA. You’d think that they would have learned when Crockett tried that stunt and it didn’t work. – Your hosts of the first show are Vince McMahon & Susan St. James. – Roddy Piper pledges to quit wrestling, boxing, tiddly-winks and dating girls if Mr. T knocks him out tonight. Magnificent Muraco v. Paul Orndorff They really should have done Piper v. Orndorff as the big blowoff here instead of the matches we got from the two of them instead. Orndorff grabs a headlock to start, but Muraco slams out of it, so Paul slams him right back. Orndorff, Mr. Politically Correct, makes slant-eye gestures at Mr. Fuji because apparently it’s still 1962 and I didn’t notice. (BE A STAR, Paul.) Orndorff backdrops Muraco out of the corner and controls with an armbar, from which Muraco is unable to escape. They slug it out in the corner and tumble to the floor in slow fashion, and that leads to the double countout at 4:35. Yeah, quite the electric opener to Wrestlemania, as they got about as much time as a TV squash and never got it going. 1/2* Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. George Steele Macho runs away from George to start and we get a foot race, which leads to Steele catching Savage and gnawing on his leg. Susan: “All right, George, eat his leg!” How much did she get paid to do commentary here, I wonder? Back in the ring, Steele slugs him down, but gets distracted by Elizabeth and Savage lays in a beating on the ropes. A sloppy flying bodypress gets two, but Savage gets tossed to the floor as a result. Back in, Steele goes for the trachea and tosses him, but Savage outthinks him and slips under the ring for the sneak attack from the other side. Savage steals a bouquet of flowers from ringside (former wrestling website big shot Al Isaacs, apparently) and tries to attack with them, but gets them back in the face. As Poison said, every rose has its thorn. Steele goes for the turnbuckle and Savage gets to sell THAT, too, but Steele goes after Liz again and Savage jumps him, then hits the big elbow for two. Why does Steele of all people get to kick out of the elbow? George gets enraged and throws Savage into the corner, but that allows Macho to get the cheap pin at 7:08 with the ropes. Pretty fun, but Animal should have taken that elbow like a man. * (I’m somewhat astonished that this got upgraded from negative stars to a single star. I really am getting mellower in my old age.) Jake Roberts v. George Welles Alfonso Castillo of The Steel Cage had the best alternate name for “jobber to the stars” that I’ve heard — “In the ring to my left”. That’s who George Welles is here, the guy who is in the ring to the Fink’s left, and nothing more. Kind of a waste of Jake , one of the hottest heels in the business at this point. (Man, they had Savage, Jake AND Piper all under contract and on the heel side at once…and King Kong Bundy gets the main event slot. No wonder this show was terrible.) Welles attacks and throws forearms, but gets tossed out by Jake. Back in, Jake evades him and pauses to show the crowd how smart he is by using the universal heel symbol for that — pointing to his head. This of course allows Welles to hit him from behind with a shoulderblock and a flying headscissors of all things. Well, he’s trying. Welles chops Roberts down and follows with a kneelift as Jake is bumping all over hell’s half-acre for some reason. Powerslam gets two. Jake uses the old thumb to the eye and slithers around like Randy Orton, but not quite as viper-like, then hits a kneelift and finishes with the DDT at 3:00. Jake gives him the snake treatment and Welles foams at the mouth. That’s an interesting dramatic choice that no one else I can remember ever made. Good bumping from Jake. *1/2 – A bizarre parade of D-list celebs for the boxing match sees Joan Rivers introducing Daryl Dawkins, Cab Calloway, G. Gordon Liddy and “Herb” from the Burger King commercials. To show you the level of desperation for mainstream press we’re dealing with here, the “Herb” commercials of the 80s represent one of the biggest flops in advertising history and it’s pretty likely only about 5% of the people reading this even remember it. And it wasn’t even the actor, it was the character. That’d be like having the creepy Burger King as a “celebrity guest” today. So with that silliness out of the way, onto the REAL silliness… Boxing match: Roddy Piper v. Mr. T So they do dumb looking worked boxing in the first round, barely even making contact. Round two sees Piper cheating by over-greasing his face (Oh, snap, we totally need a match against George St. Pierre now!) (Wow, a dated UFC reference. Didn’t think you’d ever see that in these rants, did you?) and Piper takes over with cartoonish haymakers to put T down. Round three and T dominates this time and it’s all boring as hell. Round four and Piper is done, so he gets desperate and slams T for the DQ at 13:22. Yes, they booked a DQ in a boxing match, why do you ask? (Funny to note that the new format rant, where I’m generally more verbose with the match descriptions as a rule, features a much shorter version of the match than the original rant did. I’m a complex guy sometimes.) Over to Chicago, not a moment too soon… – Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon & Mean Gene & Cathy Lee Crosby Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Velvet McIntyre Moolah attacks with a pair of hairtosses, but Velvet dropkicks her down. Slam and she goes up, but misses by a mile and Moolah pins her at 0:55. No idea what the rush was. DUD (They should totally bring back Velvet as Sheamus’ mom. Finlay can be his dad and wackiness will result when his parents go out drinking and brawl every night because they’re IRISH. Like Sheamus, you see.) Flag match: Corporal Kirschner v. Nikolai Volkoff Volkoff attacks to start and tosses him, then sends him into the post for some unexpected blood. Wonder if they got shit for that afterwards? Back in, Kirschner slugs away and Blassie tries to throw the cane in, but the Corporal intercepts it and uses it for the pin at 1:33. DUD Wrestler/Football player Battle Royale: Jimbo Cobert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Dan Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga, The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino, William “Refrigerator” Perry and Andre the Giant are the entrants. William Perry is in the WWE Hall of Fame, so he’s gotta be good, right? I mean, they don’t just let ANYONE in. Tonga and a football player are the first out, and it’s just a big mass of guys milling around. Everyone gangs up on Brunzell for some reason and dumps him, and Bruno dumps Tony Atlas. Brian Blair and Iron Sheik slug it out in the corner and I’m praying that Sheik eliminates him so I can go for the obvious joke. Sadly, Ted Arcidi breaks it up and gets sent out by another roving gang as a result. Sheik backdrops Spivey out and then, YES, HE HUMBLES B. BRIAN BLAIR!!! I have to take my entertainment where I can get it. Having fulfilled my petty, petty entertainment needs (Those are the best kind, though), Bruno disposes of Sheik. More people go out and Fridge has a showdown with Studd and goes out as a result, but then he does the Hulk Hogan move and pulls Studd out. That was a Hall of Fame level double-cross. So we’ve got Andre, Russ Francis and the Hart Foundation, and really the odds weren’t good when it was 19 guys against Andre. The Harts dispose of Francis and work Andre over, but Bret walks into a big boot and Andre has had enough. Bing bang bong and Andre wins at 9:04. I don’t rate battle royales. WWF World tag team title: The Dream Team v. The British Bulldogs Davey Boy overpowers the Hammer to start and slugs away in the corner, then works on the arm. Dynamite comes in and sends Valentine into the corner for two, then stomps away and follows with a snap suplex for two. Smith adds a delayed suplex (talk about yin and yang offense — I never really made that connection before, although I don’t think it was intentional on their part) and Valentine bails to regroup. Back in, he hammers away in the corner and catches Davey dozing with a kneelift, and it’s over to Brutus. Davey gives him a super-crisp press slam to break up a wristlock, and Dynamite follows with a stiff clothesline and a chop for two. Small package gets two. Davey with a fisherman’s suplex for two. Props to Brutus for going out there and taking some pretty high-impact offense for the time. Hammer catches Davey with a sucker punch and hits a suplex for two before grabbing a headlock. Dynamite takes the blind tag and breaks it up, chopping Valentine into the corner and throwing shoulders to trigger the Flair Flop. That gets two. The Bulldogs double-team Valentine, but the Dream Team does their own double-teaming until Kid gets a sunset flip on Valentine for two. Backbreaker gets two. Kneedrop gets two. Valentine comes back with a nasty piledriver for two and goes up, but Kid slams him off for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Davey tries to press-slam Kid onto Valentine, but he smartly rolls out to disrupt their timing and hammers on Kid. Over to Davey, however, and he powerslams Valentine for two as the champs are looking overwhelmed. Suplex gets two for Smith. Finally Valentine manages to whip Davey into the post, and he stomps on the shoulder to take over. The Dream Team double-teams the arm, and Beefcake does the one good move he had in 1986 — the hammerlock drop. Davey always took that bump like a million bucks, too. Back to Hammer with a shoulderbreaker for two, but he gets cocky and Davey runs him into Dynamite’s head for the pin and the titles at 12:03. The fluke finish kind of fit with the theme of their matches leading up to this. The triumphant Bulldogs get to lay around on the floor while Lou Albano and Ozzy Osbourne celebrate with the belts. There’s the problem with this era in a nutshell. Dynamite just took an awesome bump for the finish, going from the top rope and landing flat-back on the floor off-camera. Good, hard-hitting stuff, although they didn’t even do the standard formula and just gave the Bulldogs a ton of offense to showcase them. It wasn’t a classic like the SNME 2/3 falls match was, but it was clearly the best match of the Chicago portion. ***1/2 – To La-La Land! – Hosted by Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes and Elvira. Hercules v. Ricky Steamboat This was originally booked as Bret Hart v. Ricky Steamboat but got changed around late in the game for more star power. That Bret match ended up happening at a house show for Coliseum Video and was pretty awesome. It was also on the Bret DVD, I believe. Herc goes with the sneak attack to start, but Steamboat evades him and chops him down. Into the armdrags and Steamboat works on that, but Hercules goes with a cheapshot to the throat and takes over. He pounds Steamboat down for two and gets a clothesline for two. Ugly press slam follows, so he does it again to get it right. Ugh, NEVER REPEAT THE SPOT. Herc goes up and lands on Ricky’s knees, allowing Steamboat to come back and finish with the bodypress at 7:26. Well that was out of nowhere, like most of the finishes tonight. *1/2 Uncle Elmer v. Adrian Adonis Adonis bumps around like crazy and falls out of the ring, as I guess staying far away from Elmer is the best way to get a decent match out of him. Elmer hauls him back in and Adonis bumps out again, getting tied in the ropes on the way out, in a spot you don’t see much if ever. Adonis gets a cheapshot to come back, but Elmer hits an Avalanche. Big fat legdrop misses and Adonis finishes him with the flying splash at 3:03. * for Adonis and his bumps. Terry & Dory Funk v. Junkyard Dog & Tito Santana Dog whips the Funks into each other and slams them to start, and Tito chases them out of the ring, prompting Terry to engage the front row in a friendly debate. Back in, Terry chops away on Tito, but he fires back with a clothesline to put him on the floor. Dory charges in and gets some of the same Wrath of Tito. So the Funks regroup and Terry gets into a boxing match with JYD and loses badly, allowing Dog to ram him into the turnbuckles 10 times and headbutt him down for two. Dog actually distracts the ref and tosses Terry for a tremendous bump over the top, and so Dory comes back in. The faces work him over in the corner, and Tito gets the flying forearm for two. Terry saves and Tito pounds on him as a result, too. Dory and Tito do the criss-cross, and that allows Terry to get the well-timed cheap knee from the apron, and the Funks take over. Terry with a suplex for two. Tito gets his own and they collide, but Terry falls into his own corner and brings Dory in. He hits Tito with a butterfly suplex for two and the Funks put him down with a double clothesline that gets two for Terry. Terry misses a legdrop and Tito crawls for the tag, but Terry puts him down with a headbutt. Hot tag JYD, however, and noggins are knocked. Clothesline for Terry, but he tries choking Dog out with the tag rope and gets backdropped over the top in Shawn Michaels-style crazy bump as a result. There’s not even any MATS! Dog slams him on the table as it totally gets crazy and they brawl at ringside, and Terry heads back in, where Dog gets a small package for two. Tito puts Dory in the figure-four, but prompts the ref to get him out of the ring, and Terry bops Dog with the megaphone for the pin at 11:33. See, now THEY worked the formula and this was a much clearer great tag match then the title match was. This is a lost WM classic and it never gets enough love, so I’m giving it some. **** (Let’s not go crazy here. I may have been over enthused when I gave that rating out.) WWF World title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy I believe this is the debut of the Big Blue Cage. This totally should have been Randy Savage main eventing. They slug it out to start and Hogan gets the big boot right away and chokes Bundy out with his own singlet. Corner clothesline and Axe bomber, but Bundy won’t go down. Bundy finally goes for the ribs (what was he waiting for, an invitation? A roadmap?) and slams him. He goes for the door but Hogan is still alive, so it’s back to pounding on the ribs and choking him out with the rib tape. Bundy tries tying him up with the tape, but knots are no match for Hulkamania and Hogan pulls him back from the door again. Hulk comes back with an elbow in the corner and sends Bundy into the cage, resulting in Bundy crawling right up to the ringside cameraman and gigging himself in plain view. Hogan works on the cut and sends him into the cage as Elvira wonders why they don’t stop it. I concur, it really sucks. Hulk tries a slam, but I guess Bundy hasn’t lost enough blood yet because he falls onto Hulk and reinjures the ribs. Hulk comes back and chokes him out with the tape, but Bundy hits the Avalanche and the big fat splash. I know what you’re thinking, “Hulk’s done!”, but no, he’s not. In fact he no-sells a second Avalanche, gets the slam, and climbs out to retain at 10:11. *1/2, which factors in Elvira sounding like the markiest rube who ever came out of the trailer park on commentary. Certainly not the worst WM, just a very rushed and oddly-booked one. But it has two very worthwhile tag matches and a lot of nostalgia value for me so it’s certainly watchable.
Wrestlemania Specialty Matches: Wrestlemania
1st March 2012 by Scott Keith
So here it begins as I go through 27 years of Wresltemania specialty matches. I will admit I’ll cheat a couple of times if I don’t find a match that meet my criteria.
I’m also undecided on a few. Leaning towards the Piper-Adonis “retirement” match over the mixed-midget match and the “Royalty” match between JYD and Harley Race. And I’m undecided on whether to do the Ladder match at Wrestlemania X or the Savage-Crush falls-count-anywhere match.
Still I expect this to be fun so I want you guys to enjoy this and discuss freely.
Wrestlemania
From Madison Square Garden in New York City
Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura
$15,000 Body Slam Challenge: Andre the Giant vs. Big John Studd
Bascially the stipulation is Studd put up $15,000 against Andre’s career if he couldn’t slam him. I don’t think the finish was in doubt here. The best stuff between these two guys, in my opinion, are the dozens of cage matches they had in the early 80s that ended with Andre landing a top-rope butt splash on a bloodied Studd. The PG nature of this show and Andre’s slowly weakening knees probably kept them from doing a final cage match. First sign of blood at a Wrestlemania? It would be the hardway broken nose from Dynamite Kid during the finish of the Wrestlemania 2 tag match. The first “sanctioned” blood would be the Bundy-Hogan cage match. Although I think Corporal Kirchner might have hardway bled too but I don’t remember.
Anyway Studd jumps on Andre before the bell as the crowd is HOT for this match. Andre rallies and gets into ass kicking mode with the crowd loving every second of it and Studd decides to bail out. Back in the ring and Andre chokes the shit out of him and the referee is deathly afraid of stopping it to the point of where even Gorilla makes mention at how poorly the referee is doing. Andre lets up and gives Studd a knee crusher and a big punch. Still in the corner and Andre with the power moves but Studd goes low and tries to slam him. Yeah right. Andre with a knee and he goes to the bear hug. I love how Ventura calls Gorilla by his real name (Gino) during various points of this show. Always made their exchanges seem that much more authentic. Studd goes to the eyes but he can’t break the hold. Finally he does but Andre goes to a chinlock and lays a couple more hard blows on Studd. Andre with an armbar and he adds in some forearms. Andre sets too early on a backdrop but catches Studd’s counter and continues to pound away. He is giving Studd absolutely NOTHING here. Big chops from Andre and some leg kicks from Andre. Showing those MMA skills. And finally he slams him like it was nothing and ends the match. Andre grabs the bag and throws the money to the people but Bobby Heenan grabs the cash bag and runs.
(Andre def. Studd, bodyslam, *, total squash but very enjoyable because everyone was into Andre. Hard to believe he wrestled in five more Wrestlemanias and participated in Wrestlemania VII as well. Both giants are missed by wrestling fans everywhere.)
Wrestlemania Specialty Matches: Wrestlemania
1st March 2012 by Scott Keith
So here it begins as I go through 27 years of Wresltemania specialty matches. I will admit I’ll cheat a couple of times if I don’t find a match that meet my criteria.
I’m also undecided on a few. Leaning towards the Piper-Adonis “retirement” match over the mixed-midget match and the “Royalty” match between JYD and Harley Race. And I’m undecided on whether to do the Ladder match at Wrestlemania X or the Savage-Crush falls-count-anywhere match.
Still I expect this to be fun so I want you guys to enjoy this and discuss freely.
Wrestlemania
From Madison Square Garden in New York City
Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura
$15,000 Body Slam Challenge: Andre the Giant vs. Big John Studd
Bascially the stipulation is Studd put up $15,000 against Andre’s career if he couldn’t slam him. I don’t think the finish was in doubt here. The best stuff between these two guys, in my opinion, are the dozens of cage matches they had in the early 80s that ended with Andre landing a top-rope butt splash on a bloodied Studd. The PG nature of this show and Andre’s slowly weakening knees probably kept them from doing a final cage match. First sign of blood at a Wrestlemania? It would be the hardway broken nose from Dynamite Kid during the finish of the Wrestlemania 2 tag match. The first “sanctioned” blood would be the Bundy-Hogan cage match. Although I think Corporal Kirchner might have hardway bled too but I don’t remember.
Anyway Studd jumps on Andre before the bell as the crowd is HOT for this match. Andre rallies and gets into ass kicking mode with the crowd loving every second of it and Studd decides to bail out. Back in the ring and Andre chokes the shit out of him and the referee is deathly afraid of stopping it to the point of where even Gorilla makes mention at how poorly the referee is doing. Andre lets up and gives Studd a knee crusher and a big punch. Still in the corner and Andre with the power moves but Studd goes low and tries to slam him. Yeah right. Andre with a knee and he goes to the bear hug. I love how Ventura calls Gorilla by his real name (Gino) during various points of this show. Always made their exchanges seem that much more authentic. Studd goes to the eyes but he can’t break the hold. Finally he does but Andre goes to a chinlock and lays a couple more hard blows on Studd. Andre with an armbar and he adds in some forearms. Andre sets too early on a backdrop but catches Studd’s counter and continues to pound away. He is giving Studd absolutely NOTHING here. Big chops from Andre and some leg kicks from Andre. Showing those MMA skills. And finally he slams him like it was nothing and ends the match. Andre grabs the bag and throws the money to the people but Bobby Heenan grabs the cash bag and runs.
(Andre def. Studd, bodyslam, *, total squash but very enjoyable because everyone was into Andre. Hard to believe he wrestled in five more Wrestlemanias and participated in Wrestlemania VII as well. Both giants are missed by wrestling fans everywhere.)
Wrestlemania Opening & Main Event: Wrestlemania XXVII
1st March 2012 by Scott Keith
Wrestlemania Opening and Main Event: Wrestlemania XXVII
Before we start with the new project we must continue with the old one. Luckily the “main events” opened and closed the show so I kill two birds with one stone.
Overall I don’t think this card will be remembered as one of the better ones. There was a terrific Punk-Orton match that most people will agree on. The Michael Cole stuff was fine until he actually went over. More or less I find that the people who like the card thought Undertaker-HHH was great and the ones that didn’t like the match didn’t like the card.
Wrestlemania XXVII: The Biggest Wrestlemania Ever
From The Georgia Dome in Atlanta, Georgia
Hosted by Jim Ross, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Michael Cole and Josh Matthews
World Heavyweight Championship: Edge vs. Alberto Del Rio
Who is that in Alberto Del Rio’s corner? No not Ricardo Rodriguez that other guy. What’s his name? Brodus Clay or something? I think I’ve heard of him. Christian is in Edge’s corner to even the odds.
These guys start off with the fistacuffs and Edge gets a back body drop but Del Rio goes right to work on the arm that he injured during a previous episode of SmackDown. Edge, however, rallies and sends Del Rio over the top. He goes for the baseball slide but Del Rio moves out of the way and sends Edge, arm first, into the ring barricade. He rams the arm into the ring steps and gets back in the ring for two. Del Rio goes to a wear down hold, a single-arm crucifix and when Edge fights back Del Rio casually grabs his hair and pulls it down. Del Rio with more pretty unique moves to work on the arm along with some basic ones and he gets another near fall. Del Rio with a hammerlock now, a standing hammerlock. Edge tries to rally but eats a knee. Del Rio goes for a kill shot but Edge moves and the challenger goes flying to the floor. Edge busts out the somersault dive to the floor (!!). Edge goes to the top but Del Rio meets him there and gives him a top-rope armdrag for two. Back to the arm but Del Rio lets up and Edge hits a leg lariat.
Del Rio charges again and eats a high boot but Edge can’t capitalize. Both men back up and Edge with two clotheslines and a face buster. Del Rio, however, fight backs with a code breaker of sorts to the arm. That was cool. Cross arm breaker is countered with the Edge-u-cation for two. Del Rio misses a corner charge and rolls up Del Rio but the challenger reverses and gets the cross arm breaker. Edge gets to the ropes. Edge strategically gets to the ring apron and executes a hangman on Del Rio. Edge goes to the top slowly and gets caught but Del Rio’s running climbing front kick for two. Christian and Clay get into it on the floor and Clay hits the “suplex baby” to Christian which distracts Del Rio long enough for Edge to get a roll up for two. Edge with the Edge-u-cution for two. Edge goes for the spear but Del Rio side steps and Clay sends Edge, arm first into the ring post. Cross arm breaker but Edge counters with a rollup for two. Sharpshooter by Edge and on the floor Christian hits a spinning DDT to eliminate Clay. Del Rio escapes the sharpshooter but Edge hits the spear for the pinfall!
(Edge def. Del Rio, pinfall, ***3/4, I really dug this one as Del Rio’s single-minded focus on the arm against Edge’s determination told a great story. Sadly it would be the last in-ring appearance of the Rated R Superstar as a major neck injury forced him to retire. I think his Wrestlemania record is around 10-3 and he was a hell of a big-match performer.)
And the finale.
WWE Heavyweight Championship: The Miz vs. John Cena
The build for this match centered much more around Cena and The Rock and they had to really amp up the Miz in the final couple of weeks to remind people that this was the match. By then I thought it was too little too late and they needed to pull some sort of an audible. A lot of people disagree but that’s fine.
Anyway Miz’s pre-introduction was an amazing vignette done to the tune of “Hate Me Now” by Nas. Naturally when the guys in Stamford want to put together the theatrics they can do it like few others. Miz upsets me by entering the ring first. He shouldn’t enter the ring first, he’s the fucking champion, and this isn’t a hard rule to obey. Cena’s video, done with “The Prayer” by DMX wasn’t as good but the choir entrance was pretty strong. I’m hoping they don’t give Cena something too over the top this year since I’m expecting the boobirds to rain down on him pretty hard.
They do a good bit of stalling to get this sucker started and then go into basic wrestling mode with Cena landing the first real blow – a hip toss. They reset and Cena gets a headlock but Miz corners him and lays in a few shots, mostly stomps. Miz with a corner whip and he follows it with his hanging clothesline. More punching as Cena is trying a little too hard with the selling. Cena rallies with a gut wrench bomb and gets two but they are moving at a pace that would make you think they were in there for 20 minutes. Side effect by Miz gets two and he lets Cena recover in the corner before going for another clothesline which misses. Cena hits the fameasser from the top and gets two but misses a corner charge. Miz hits a running kick and gets two. Miz waits and hits a high kick for two. There’s no flow to this match. It’s move, stall, wait, move and they are just eight minutes into this. Miz pops Cena a couple of times as the challenger gets to his feet.
Miz with an Irish whip and he ducks a Cena cross body attempt. Miz baseball slides Cena to the floor and hits a knee lift. Back in the ring he gets a two count. Miz goes for a skull-crushing finale but Cena blocks. Two shoulder blocks and a atomic bomb later Cena hits the five-knuckle shuffle and goes for the attitude adjustment but Miz counters with a DDT. Miz continues with his slow pace and almost gets caught in the STF but counters with his backbreaker/neckbreaker combo. Miz removes the padding from the top turnbuckle and gets caught with an inside cradle for two. Attitude Adjustment #2 is blocked but not the STF. Miz, however, makes the ropes. While Cena backs off to the ropes to break Alex Riley rams his head into the exposed buckle and Miz hits the skull-crushing finale for a near fall. At that point there’s no reason to believe he’s going over here.
Miz goes for a second one but Cena beals him into the official. Attitude adjustment finally hits but the referee is out cold. While Cena checks on the official Riley sneaks in the ring and nails Cena with the Money in the Bank briefcase. Now why do they still have the briefcase? They are suppose to hand it in with the title shot? Anyway that doesn’t kill Cena. So Riley distracts the ref and Miz grabs the case but Cena ducks and Miz nails Cena. Attitude Adjustment hits and doesn’t get the pin. Wow I would have bet money on that being the finish. They roll to the outside and Cena clotheslines Miz over the ring barricade and then follows up with a dive and both of their bodies go SPLAT on the floor. Yikes. Referee makes the double countout and it looks like a bad finish to the match but we know that’s not happening at Wrestlemania. The Miz looks really fucked up here.
Anyway The Rock comes down to the ring and he’s not happy. After a little comedy segment with the anonymous GM, The Rock says its time to restart this match with no disqualification, countout, whining, bitching, complaining or appeal. They get back to the ring and the bell sounds. Cena goes for another Attitude Adjustment but Miz blocks and when Cena turns around he experiences Rock Bottom and the Miz retains. After the Miz celebrates The Rock beats him up too.
(Miz def. Cena, ***1/4, this was a little better than I remembered as Cena did his best to keep things together with his bumping and overselling and Miz tried but he just isn’t the caliber of worker to have a classic match without some gimmicks involved. In hindsight there were a million ways to book this and the best one probably being with Rock as the guest referee. Miz was pretty much buried by Cena the following night and he’s been in a bit of a fall since.)
Wrestlemania Opening & Main Event: Wrestlemania XXVII
1st March 2012 by Scott Keith
Wrestlemania Opening and Main Event: Wrestlemania XXVII
Before we start with the new project we must continue with the old one. Luckily the “main events” opened and closed the show so I kill two birds with one stone.
Overall I don’t think this card will be remembered as one of the better ones. There was a terrific Punk-Orton match that most people will agree on. The Michael Cole stuff was fine until he actually went over. More or less I find that the people who like the card thought Undertaker-HHH was great and the ones that didn’t like the match didn’t like the card.
Wrestlemania XXVII: The Biggest Wrestlemania Ever
From The Georgia Dome in Atlanta, Georgia
Hosted by Jim Ross, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Michael Cole and Josh Matthews
World Heavyweight Championship: Edge vs. Alberto Del Rio
Who is that in Alberto Del Rio’s corner? No not Ricardo Rodriguez that other guy. What’s his name? Brodus Clay or something? I think I’ve heard of him. Christian is in Edge’s corner to even the odds.
These guys start off with the fistacuffs and Edge gets a back body drop but Del Rio goes right to work on the arm that he injured during a previous episode of SmackDown. Edge, however, rallies and sends Del Rio over the top. He goes for the baseball slide but Del Rio moves out of the way and sends Edge, arm first, into the ring barricade. He rams the arm into the ring steps and gets back in the ring for two. Del Rio goes to a wear down hold, a single-arm crucifix and when Edge fights back Del Rio casually grabs his hair and pulls it down. Del Rio with more pretty unique moves to work on the arm along with some basic ones and he gets another near fall. Del Rio with a hammerlock now, a standing hammerlock. Edge tries to rally but eats a knee. Del Rio goes for a kill shot but Edge moves and the challenger goes flying to the floor. Edge busts out the somersault dive to the floor (!!). Edge goes to the top but Del Rio meets him there and gives him a top-rope armdrag for two. Back to the arm but Del Rio lets up and Edge hits a leg lariat.
Del Rio charges again and eats a high boot but Edge can’t capitalize. Both men back up and Edge with two clotheslines and a face buster. Del Rio, however, fight backs with a code breaker of sorts to the arm. That was cool. Cross arm breaker is countered with the Edge-u-cation for two. Del Rio misses a corner charge and rolls up Del Rio but the challenger reverses and gets the cross arm breaker. Edge gets to the ropes. Edge strategically gets to the ring apron and executes a hangman on Del Rio. Edge goes to the top slowly and gets caught but Del Rio’s running climbing front kick for two. Christian and Clay get into it on the floor and Clay hits the “suplex baby” to Christian which distracts Del Rio long enough for Edge to get a roll up for two. Edge with the Edge-u-cution for two. Edge goes for the spear but Del Rio side steps and Clay sends Edge, arm first into the ring post. Cross arm breaker but Edge counters with a rollup for two. Sharpshooter by Edge and on the floor Christian hits a spinning DDT to eliminate Clay. Del Rio escapes the sharpshooter but Edge hits the spear for the pinfall!
(Edge def. Del Rio, pinfall, ***3/4, I really dug this one as Del Rio’s single-minded focus on the arm against Edge’s determination told a great story. Sadly it would be the last in-ring appearance of the Rated R Superstar as a major neck injury forced him to retire. I think his Wrestlemania record is around 10-3 and he was a hell of a big-match performer.)
And the finale.
WWE Heavyweight Championship: The Miz vs. John Cena
The build for this match centered much more around Cena and The Rock and they had to really amp up the Miz in the final couple of weeks to remind people that this was the match. By then I thought it was too little too late and they needed to pull some sort of an audible. A lot of people disagree but that’s fine.
Anyway Miz’s pre-introduction was an amazing vignette done to the tune of “Hate Me Now” by Nas. Naturally when the guys in Stamford want to put together the theatrics they can do it like few others. Miz upsets me by entering the ring first. He shouldn’t enter the ring first, he’s the fucking champion, and this isn’t a hard rule to obey. Cena’s video, done with “The Prayer” by DMX wasn’t as good but the choir entrance was pretty strong. I’m hoping they don’t give Cena something too over the top this year since I’m expecting the boobirds to rain down on him pretty hard.
They do a good bit of stalling to get this sucker started and then go into basic wrestling mode with Cena landing the first real blow – a hip toss. They reset and Cena gets a headlock but Miz corners him and lays in a few shots, mostly stomps. Miz with a corner whip and he follows it with his hanging clothesline. More punching as Cena is trying a little too hard with the selling. Cena rallies with a gut wrench bomb and gets two but they are moving at a pace that would make you think they were in there for 20 minutes. Side effect by Miz gets two and he lets Cena recover in the corner before going for another clothesline which misses. Cena hits the fameasser from the top and gets two but misses a corner charge. Miz hits a running kick and gets two. Miz waits and hits a high kick for two. There’s no flow to this match. It’s move, stall, wait, move and they are just eight minutes into this. Miz pops Cena a couple of times as the challenger gets to his feet.
Miz with an Irish whip and he ducks a Cena cross body attempt. Miz baseball slides Cena to the floor and hits a knee lift. Back in the ring he gets a two count. Miz goes for a skull-crushing finale but Cena blocks. Two shoulder blocks and a atomic bomb later Cena hits the five-knuckle shuffle and goes for the attitude adjustment but Miz counters with a DDT. Miz continues with his slow pace and almost gets caught in the STF but counters with his backbreaker/neckbreaker combo. Miz removes the padding from the top turnbuckle and gets caught with an inside cradle for two. Attitude Adjustment #2 is blocked but not the STF. Miz, however, makes the ropes. While Cena backs off to the ropes to break Alex Riley rams his head into the exposed buckle and Miz hits the skull-crushing finale for a near fall. At that point there’s no reason to believe he’s going over here.
Miz goes for a second one but Cena beals him into the official. Attitude adjustment finally hits but the referee is out cold. While Cena checks on the official Riley sneaks in the ring and nails Cena with the Money in the Bank briefcase. Now why do they still have the briefcase? They are suppose to hand it in with the title shot? Anyway that doesn’t kill Cena. So Riley distracts the ref and Miz grabs the case but Cena ducks and Miz nails Cena. Attitude Adjustment hits and doesn’t get the pin. Wow I would have bet money on that being the finish. They roll to the outside and Cena clotheslines Miz over the ring barricade and then follows up with a dive and both of their bodies go SPLAT on the floor. Yikes. Referee makes the double countout and it looks like a bad finish to the match but we know that’s not happening at Wrestlemania. The Miz looks really fucked up here.
Anyway The Rock comes down to the ring and he’s not happy. After a little comedy segment with the anonymous GM, The Rock says its time to restart this match with no disqualification, countout, whining, bitching, complaining or appeal. They get back to the ring and the bell sounds. Cena goes for another Attitude Adjustment but Miz blocks and when Cena turns around he experiences Rock Bottom and the Miz retains. After the Miz celebrates The Rock beats him up too.
(Miz def. Cena, ***1/4, this was a little better than I remembered as Cena did his best to keep things together with his bumping and overselling and Miz tried but he just isn’t the caliber of worker to have a classic match without some gimmicks involved. In hindsight there were a million ways to book this and the best one probably being with Rock as the guest referee. Miz was pretty much buried by Cena the following night and he’s been in a bit of a fall since.)
The SmarK Countdown: Wrestlemania
29th February 2012 by Scott Keith
(2012 Scott sez: Welcome to the WRESTLEMANIA COUNTDOWN! Since Wrestlemania as an event has been blessed with so many re-rants from me over the years, I’ll include the redone versions in each post to speed things up. I’m also dispatching with saying “2012 Scott sez” because it takes forever to type and I’m sure you figure out that the bold italic comments are new. Unless you’re stupid, in which case I can’t help you.) The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania. – Okay, they’re here, so please stop bugging me now. Over the next month, we’re gonna cover all 15, so you might wanna pull up a pillow or something and get comfortable. (Oh, the days when there was only 15 shows to go through when doing a countdown.) – Live from New York, New York, the city so ugly they had to name it twice. Original airdate March 31, 1985. – Your hosts are Jesse and Gorilla. – Gene Okerlund sings the national anthem. Dear god… – Opening match: Tito Santana v. The Executioner. Welcome to hell, Tito, as you’re stuck in the opening match against a masked Buddy Rose before the crowd is even finished filing in. Well, things would get better later. Rose, btw, weighs all of about 200 pounds here, although he would get a huge gut the next year. Maybe he should use “Blow Away”. Standard jobber match to introduce the very-not-wrestling-fan crowd to the basics of what’s going on here tonight. Actually a reasonably decent match as Rose controls for a couple of minutes, but Tito makes the comeback with the Flying Jalapeno and figure-four for the submission. I’ve seen worse. ** – SD Jones v. King Kong Bundy. This would be the very definition of a squash. Jones jumps into a bearhug and gets Avalanched and pinned in 9 seconds to set a (bogus) speed record. DUD – Matt Borne v. Ricky Steamboat. Geez, where do you start here? Borne is a jobber at this point who would go on to become WCW’s Big Josh and from there the WWF’s original Doink the Clown. He’s reportedly been trying to commit suicide recently, which I find very sad considering how talented a wrestler he is. (I’m assuming he didn’t succeed, since we didn’t hear anything about him dying and he was fairly recently reinventing himself on the indy scene yet again.) Steamboat is fresh off jumping from the NWA here. It should be noted that Steamboat is the first one to participate in both the first Starrcade and the first Wrestlemania, although there’s two more later in this show. Good lord those ropes are loose. Steamboat pretty much squashes Borne and finishes it with the flying bodypress. It’s the Steamer, so there’s nothing to hate here. **1/4 – Brutus Beefcake v. David Sammartino. There was some sort of feud going on here, but it’s the David Flair of 1985 so who gives a shit? Sammartino was so hideously untalented that even the almighty power of nepotism couldn’t get him over. (That’s a bit harsh, as David was just saddled with expectations that he couldn’t possibly hope to meet.) Speaking of hideously untalented, Beefcake was no slouch in that department, sucking the meat missile as emphatically as anyone at the time. This is very, very old school. David works on Beefcake’s leg for a while, but Beefcake comes back with his 1985 offense. Oh, wait, this WAS 1985, so I guess it’s apropos. David comes back in turn with some rights and a kneelift. David moves sooooooo slow. Beefcake tosses David out of the ring, where Johnny V attacks. Bruno saves his son and absolutely beats the crap out of Johnny, triggering a big brawl for the double-DQ. Cheap ending. *1/2 – Intercontinental title: Greg Valentine v. Junkfood Dog. Valentine is the second person to do both Starrcade and WM. There’s one more to come. (Oo, oo! I know the answer, condescending 1999 Scott!) Valentine works on the leg a bunch and JYD actually sells it. Crowd doesn’t seem particularly interested in this one. I don’t think there was any sort of storyline going on here. (Nope.) Hart jumps up on the apron and gets punched off by JYD, allowing Greg to do the Ric Flair pin in the corner on JYD for the win. Tito Santana, humanitarian that he was, tells the referee about the malfeasance on the Hammer’s part, so the match is restarted and the departing Valentine is counted out. Bleh. 1/2* On the replay, we see Jimmy actually taking a vicious bump off the apron onto the un-padded floor. Ouch. – WWF Tag team title: Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. Volkoff does the special extended version of the Russian anthem for the big occasion. To give you an idea of the magnitude of what was about to happen here, picture the Dudley Boyz defending the tag titles against, say, The Mean Street Posse. (Or for an analogy that ISN’T totally dated…oh wait, there aren’t any tag teams left. Never mind.) As in, NO ONE gave the challengers half a chance. Hard to believe that Sheik was only a year removed from the World title at this point. (Fun fact: Speaking of tag wrestlers, the other choice for transitional champion between Backlund and Hogan was Bill “Masked Superstar / Demolition Ax” Eadie.) Barry Windham RULES IT, BABY at this point. (Really? He was good, but RULES IT, BABY is pretty strong.) Quick tags from the champs to start and the Evil Foreigners do some miscommunication to establish them as the blundering heels. Rotundo plays Ricky Morton, although really Ricky Morton hadn’t established the Ricky Morton role at this point in his career…well, whatever. (Obviously this isn’t an exact science.) Rotundo escapes the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF DOOM and makes the hot tag to Windham. Windham hits the bulldog on Volkoff but Sheik breaks up the pin, triggering a pier-six brawl. Sheik nails Windham with Freddie Blassies’s cane, and Volkoff falls on top for the pin. Quick match. Crowd is unimpressed to say the least, but they needn’t have worried because it was just a hotshot title switch and the US Express would regain the belts a few weeks later. Blah match. * – Bodyslam challenge: Big John Studd v. Andre the Giant. If Andre slams Studd, he gets $15,000. If he can’t, Andre retires. Bobby is wearing white and purple for the pre-match interview, and when we cut to ringside he’s wearing black and red. (It was a wizard.) This was set up by an ep of Saturday Night’s Main Event where Heenan’s family cut Andre’s afro off. The match is a pretty typical Studd-Giant match, namely slow and boring. In short order, Andre slams Studd and wins the match. But Vince “El Cheapo” McMahon does the Jerry Lawler booking job, as Andre pulls out a couple of handfuls of the money and throws it to the crowd before Heenan steals it back. No real match, so no rating. – WWF Ladies Title: Leilani Kai (w/ Fabulous Moolah) v. Wendi Richter (w/ Cyndi Lauper). Ah, yes, the Rock N Wrestling Connection rears its ugly head with this match. In the pre-match interview, Wendi sounds EXACTLY like Mongo MacMichael, I swear to god. Wendi is just absolutely crazy over. Pretty much a cookie-cutter women’s match, complete with hair-pulling snapmares, and Cyndi Lauper interference. Kai goes for a bodypress off the top and Richter rolls through to regain the title. This was about 1/2* – Main Event: Mr. T & Hulk Hogan v. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff. Billy Martin is the guest ring announcer, Liberace is the guest time keeper, Muhammad Ali is the guest referee. Patterson is the second ref. FIFTEEN YEARS LATER, Martin is dead, Liberace is dead, Andre is dead, Studd is dead, JYD is dead, Ali is a vegetable, Orndorff is retired, Steamboat is retired, Santana is retired, Valentine is retired, the ladies are persona non grata, Cyndi Lauper is the punchline to several 80s jokes (She actually had another comeback after I wrote this and now she’s adult contemporary cool again), Windham, Rotundo and Beefcake are considered over-the-hill, wrestling has changed irrevocably and forever…and Piper is still fighting Hogan for the World title. This is why I hate WCW so much, because no one has any sense of fucking perspective. Anyway, Liberace rings a little bell to start the match. Geez, and people were SURPRISED that this guy was gay? Piper and T start out, and Mr. T actually shows some amateur wrestling technique, which pretty much puts him one up on his partner. T with a fireman’s carry takedown on Piper, which triggers a big brawl right away. Stalling from the heels and then we’re back in as the faces beat the living snot out of Piper. Mr. T looks surprisingly not sucky here. WCW take note. Piper does a dramatic oversell of the big boot, falling out of the ring, then suckering Hogan out after him, which allows him to bash a chair over his head to take control. Ah, those were the days. Heat here is INCREDIBLE. Hogan takes the DOUBLE ATOMIC DROP OF DEATH! Hogan gets beat up for a bit, but Orndorff misses the flying kneedrop and Hogan makes the hot tag to Mr. T. Doesn’t last long as Orndorff smothers T right away. Hogan gets a semi-hot tag in short order and the requisite pier-six breaks out with Jimmy Snuka fighting Bob Orton. But Orton’s interference backfires and Orndorff gets decked with the LOADED CAST OF HIDEOUS DEATH and pinned by Hogan, with no legdrop. Hm. Well, as celebrity matches go this lay somewhere in between Jay Leno and Lawrence Taylor. **1/4 Piper and Orton abandon Orndorff to the wolves, and Hogan is nice enough to let him go in peace. This would lead to Hogan and Orndorff forming a tag team, which would lead to that team self-destructing because Hogan is a jerk. The Bottom Line: Well, it was the first Wrestlemania, what’d you expect? It didn’t get great, or particularly good, until the third one. The WM2 rant will demonstrate that more than adequately. Still, if you’ve never seen it, it’s worth a look for historical reasons. Otherwise, not recommended. The SmarK Retro Rant – Wrestlemania 1 (Director’s Cut) – Yes, it’s another redo of a rant that sucked first time around due to being 5 years ago and all. – This is from the ‘Collection’ set of Wrestlemanias released in 1997, and thus the show is complete and uncut from the original broadcast, unlike the hacked up Coliseum version that I used the first time around. Unfortunately, the actual quality of the tapes is about as low as humanly possible – recorded in EP and seemingly as fragile as Scotch tape with magnetic filings on them. I haven’t even watched this before and it’s already threatening to fall apart. (Hey kids, remember when you had to decide what speed to record on your videotapes?) – You know it’s 1985 because they loop ‘Easy Lover’ while Vince promos the upcoming matches. Mean Gene sings the Star Spangled Banner, which has to rank both with high and low points in the sport. At least it wasn’t ‘Tutti Frutti’. – Live from New York. – Your hosts are Gorilla & Jesse Ventura. – We even get the Tito Santana and Executioner pre-match promos before the opener! Executioner is OBVIOUSLY Buddy Rose given the face and voice. – Opening match: Tito Santana v. The Executioner. Criss-cross to start, and Executioner bails off a dropkick. Back in, Tito grabs a headlock and walks the ropes with it for two. As usual Gorilla reminds us that no one has ever been pinned with a headlock. I’d like to see someone get pinned from the 80s one of these days, just to hear his reaction. Executioner goes after the leg, as promised in the pre-match promo, and rams Tito into the corner a few times. Tito runs into a knee and Executioner goes for a figure-four, but Tito kicks off, so he tries a spinning toehold instead and gets rolled over by Tito for two. Tito comes back, but Executioner begs off. Tito whips him around, but Executioner backdrops out of a piledriver and goes up. Tito slams him off, but hits knee on a splash attempt. Executioner goes to work on the leg, but Tito dumps him. Tito slams him back in, Flying Jalapeno, and figure-four finishes at 4:49. Hey, this was pretty decent without all the clipping! *1/2 (Oddly enough, my original match rating was higher.) – King Kong Bundy v. SD Jones. Hey, an SD Jones Wrestlemania promo. That’s worth getting this version of the tape alone. We gonna get down, baby. Or so I hear. The promo lasts longer than the match, however. The kayfabed time is 9 seconds, the real time is 0:23, as Bundy wins with an Avalanche and a splash. I don’t know where they get 9 seconds from, in fact, as it took Jones that look just to stagger into place in the corner. (It was a wizard.) DUD The actual fastest match ever is Bret Hart beating the Mountie in 1991 at a house show, as the opening bell rang and he cradled him for the pin right away. – Matt Borne v. Ricky Steamboat. Ricky still has his NWA short tights. Criss-cross to start and Steamboat chops away, into a headlock. Borne reverses, but Steamboat flips out and goes back to it. Atomic drop and back to the headlock. Borne gets his own atomic drop and stomps away, but Steamboat comes out of the corner with chops , and back to the headlock again. Borne counters with a nice belly to belly out of the corner and follows with a regular one for two. They slug it out and Steamboat wins that battle with ease and gets a backdrop suplex. Neckbreaker and kneedrop get two. Borne comes back into a criss-cross, and Steamboat knocks him down and goes up for the flying bodypress at 4:35. Pretty much a Steamboat squash. ½* Borne was so humiliated that he didn’t return to Wrestlemania until the ninth one, as Doink the Clown. – Brutus Beefcake v. David Sammartino. David is one of the all-time sad stories of wrestling, as he was both the son of one of the greatest wrestlers ever (Bruno) but also the son of someone who would soon be on the outs with the WWF (also Bruno) and thus not only had the expectations of greatness surrounding him, but got punished for who he was. (Today of course he would just be renamed Brent Butterworth and wrestle on NXT for 18 months straight with no mention of his family history.) He was never any good to begin with, which just made it worse. They actually should have done the tag match that was featured on Coliseum Video instead of this singles match. Beefcake and Johnny V do the big stall to start. Beefcake wins a lockup (so THAT’S where Hogan stole that from!) and then dodges another try at one. PSYCHOLOGY. Okay, maybe not, but I haven’t had a lot to work with yet. (Neither have I.) David takes him down with a toehold, and they do some mat-wrestling, which allows Beefcake a chance to bail. Back in, David goes to a facelock, but Brutus makes the ropes. David goes for the arm, and Brutus slams out, but David hangs on. Brutus goes to a headlock, but David reverses to a toehold. This is all rather pedestrian, as there’s no real selling or strategy involved. David stays on the leg, but Brutus goes to the eyes to break and takes over. Backdrop and Brutus pounds away. The BODYSLAM OF DOOM sets up a devastating kick to the shoulder. Wow, what a hoss that Brutus is. I can’t believe this goof was actually a decent worker by 1990. Brutus works him over in the corner with nothing worth mentioning (except in the ironic sense), but David reverses a whip and backdrops him to come back. This match just keeps going. They slug it out and David knees him in the head and suplexes him, for two. They fight outside and never make it back in, as it turns into a big donnybrook at 11:35. Okayish if incredibly boring. * (Much like this rant.) – Intercontinental title: Greg Valentine v. Junkyard Dog. Dog psyches him out to start and goes to the arm right away. Dog slugs him down and Valentine retreats. Greg pounds him down, but misses an elbow and gets headbutted out of the ring. Back in, they do the test of strength and Hammer hammers him down. Greg goes to work on the leg with some weak stuff, but Dog shoves him off on the first figure-four attempt. They slug it out, and Dog headbutts the shit out of him. Jimmy Hart jumps up to protest, and Valentine nails him by mistake, as Hart takes a headfirst bump to the concrete floor and I believe gives himself a concussion. Greg cradles for the pin at 5:57, using the ropes for leverage. This went nowhere. ½* Tito explains the chicanery to the ref, so he restarts the match and Greg walks out, giving the win to JYD. Silly finish, but it put more heat on the Tito-Greg feud. (Can you imagine booking that kind of finish at a Wrestlemania now? That’s like a bad Smackdown finish.) – WWF tag team title: Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. Sheik headlocks Rotundo to start, but gets hiptossed and dropkicked. The US Express pinballs him in the corner and Rotundo goes back to the headlock. Windham comes off the top and legdrops Sheik low, but gets caught in the wrong corner. Heel miscommunication allows him to escape, however. Volkoff tries and gets headlocked by Windham right away, and Rotundo gets an elbow and elbowdrop for two. Windham comes in with an elbow and they work over the arm in the corner. Good tag stuff there. Rotundo meets the boot of the Sheik, however, to turn the tide. Sheik backdrops him and drops an elbow for two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. Rotundo comes back with a suplex of his own, but Volkoff stomps him down. Rotundo tries a hammerlock, but gets worked over on the ropes. He gets a sunset flip for two, but Volkoff stomps him down again. Knee to the gut and Rotundo gets worked in the heel corner, which leads to the ADOMINAL STRETCH OF DEATH by Sheik. He escapes and makes the hot tag to Windham, who dropkicks Volkoff and gets a bulldog for two. It’s BONZO GONZO, but Sheik hits Windham with Blassie’s cane and Volkoff gets the pin and the titles at 6:55. Don’t cry, the US Express would regain them a couple of weeks later. This was just to have a title change, I think. Match was your usual tag formula, but had terrific heat. ** – We take a merchandising break during the intermission. Hey, where’s the DVD? – $15000 Bodyslam Challenge: Andre the Giant v. Big John Studd. The object here is to slam your opponent, not to pin him. The bag carried by the heels is the old wrestling trick of stuffing a couple of hundred bucks in singles into a bag and calling it ‘thousands’. (Always loved Paul Heyman’s story about Jerry Lawler doing that trick in Memphis and nearly starting a riot because the fans were dumb enough to buy it.) Gorilla questions the wisdom of putting your career up against $15,000, but then Andre never was the genius type. They slug it out to start and Studd bails. Back in, Andre chokes him out to the delight of the crowd and gives him the ASS OF DOOM in the corner. Studd’s first try at a slam fails. Andre goes to a bearhug and that goes on for a while. He switches to a sleeper of sorts and starts working on the arm, then slugs Studd down. He keeps kicking the leg, and slams him at 5:51. Total drek. DUD Andre tosses the actual money in the bag out to the fans, and Heenan steals it quickly after. – Women’s title: Leilani Kai v. Wendi Richter. Fabulous Moolah cost Richter the title a few weeks prior to this to set it up. They even left ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ in as Richter’s entrance music here, which they never do for 80s video releases. Usually they overdub generic music to save a few bucks. Cyndi Lauper is managing Richter here, and Lauper is managed by David Wolfe, who is not be confused with the David Wolfe in wrestling who currently known as Slash in NWA-TNA. Not that anyone would be, but one never knows. (WTF was I going on about there? That’s not even his real name! Was Wikipedia around in 2004?) Wendi slugs her down to start and goes for the arm, unsuccessfully. She tries again and gets a hammerlock. Kai reverses and works the arm herself, then switches to the leg and chokes her down. Wendi squeezes her with a bodyscissors, and they do a HORRIBLE suplex attempt that turns into a Kai near-fall. Kai charges and hits boot in the corner, and Richter gets two. Moolah gets her shots in on Richter, and Kai gives her a big boot as a result. Richter fights back with a fireman’s carry for two. Blind charge hits knee and Kai gets two. Backbreaker gets two. She goes up and they even manage to screw up a bodypress-reversal, as Richter regains the title at 6:10. This was atrocious and embarrassing to watch at times. ¼* (Likely still better than an Alicia Fox match.) Richter would get screwed over by the WWF shortly after, as a contract was shoved in her face before what was supposed to be a squash match, and when she refused to sign the masked ‘jobber’ turned out to be Famous Moolah, (Who the fuck is Famous Moolah? Damn Word autocorrect.) who did a shoot and won the title. – Hulk Hogan & Mr. T v. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff. Special ring announcer is Billy Martin, special timekeeper is Liberace, special outside referee is Muhammed Ali, and special sauce is that stuff they put on Big Macs instead of mayo. Jimmy Snuka and Bob Orton are both hanging out at ringside, and your official ref is Pat Patterson. Hogan and Piper start, but Mr. T wants to start. Hogan, being the unselfish guy that he is, obliges. Slapfest to start and Piper goes low and takes him down, and they do a bit of mat-wrestling, with T coming out on top. T grabs him in a fireman’s carry, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Referees and seconds all get involved, and I wonder if Paul Heyman was booking back then. Piper and Orndorff decide to call it a night and take a walk, but Hogan won’t let them be counted out. So Piper saunters back in, and the faces unleash the dreaded DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER before Hogan clotheslines Piper and gives him an atomic drop. Hogan chokes away, and Mr. T comes in for a double-team. He slams both heels and Hogan pounds on Piper and boots him out of the ring. Orndorff hits him from behind and Hogan joins him out there, which allows Piper to give Hogan a little chair action. Back in, the heels work Hogan over in the enemy corner, including a double atomic drop. Orndorff gets an elbowdrop and stomps him down. Suplex and Piper comes back in and slugs away. Kneelift gets two. Orndorff drops an elbow for two. Backbreaker and Orndorff goes up, but misses the elbow. Hot tag T, but the heels beat him down. Orndorff wrestles him down and the heels work him over in the corner and Piper goes to a front facelock. T escapes and tags Hogan again, who delivers another knocking of noggins, but gets suplexed by Orndorff. Orton and Snuka suddenly brawl for no reason, and Orton nails Orndorff by mistake in the melee, giving Hogan the pin at 13:21. Probably the best of the night, as T didn’t look any worse than anyone else they might have picked. **1/2 This would lead to Orndorff’s face turn (and eventual heel turn) and set up T v. Piper the next year. The Bottom Line: Well, this is one of those shows that gets a free pass for historical reasons, so it’s pretty much recommended only if you’ve never seen it before, or if you enjoy historical curiosities like Buddy Rose opening the show under a mask or Matt Borne with blond hair.
The SmarK Countdown: Wrestlemania
29th February 2012 by Scott Keith
(2012 Scott sez: Welcome to the WRESTLEMANIA COUNTDOWN! Since Wrestlemania as an event has been blessed with so many re-rants from me over the years, I’ll include the redone versions in each post to speed things up. I’m also dispatching with saying “2012 Scott sez” because it takes forever to type and I’m sure you figure out that the bold italic comments are new. Unless you’re stupid, in which case I can’t help you.) The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania. – Okay, they’re here, so please stop bugging me now. Over the next month, we’re gonna cover all 15, so you might wanna pull up a pillow or something and get comfortable. (Oh, the days when there was only 15 shows to go through when doing a countdown.) – Live from New York, New York, the city so ugly they had to name it twice. Original airdate March 31, 1985. – Your hosts are Jesse and Gorilla. – Gene Okerlund sings the national anthem. Dear god… – Opening match: Tito Santana v. The Executioner. Welcome to hell, Tito, as you’re stuck in the opening match against a masked Buddy Rose before the crowd is even finished filing in. Well, things would get better later. Rose, btw, weighs all of about 200 pounds here, although he would get a huge gut the next year. Maybe he should use “Blow Away”. Standard jobber match to introduce the very-not-wrestling-fan crowd to the basics of what’s going on here tonight. Actually a reasonably decent match as Rose controls for a couple of minutes, but Tito makes the comeback with the Flying Jalapeno and figure-four for the submission. I’ve seen worse. ** – SD Jones v. King Kong Bundy. This would be the very definition of a squash. Jones jumps into a bearhug and gets Avalanched and pinned in 9 seconds to set a (bogus) speed record. DUD – Matt Borne v. Ricky Steamboat. Geez, where do you start here? Borne is a jobber at this point who would go on to become WCW’s Big Josh and from there the WWF’s original Doink the Clown. He’s reportedly been trying to commit suicide recently, which I find very sad considering how talented a wrestler he is. (I’m assuming he didn’t succeed, since we didn’t hear anything about him dying and he was fairly recently reinventing himself on the indy scene yet again.) Steamboat is fresh off jumping from the NWA here. It should be noted that Steamboat is the first one to participate in both the first Starrcade and the first Wrestlemania, although there’s two more later in this show. Good lord those ropes are loose. Steamboat pretty much squashes Borne and finishes it with the flying bodypress. It’s the Steamer, so there’s nothing to hate here. **1/4 – Brutus Beefcake v. David Sammartino. There was some sort of feud going on here, but it’s the David Flair of 1985 so who gives a shit? Sammartino was so hideously untalented that even the almighty power of nepotism couldn’t get him over. (That’s a bit harsh, as David was just saddled with expectations that he couldn’t possibly hope to meet.) Speaking of hideously untalented, Beefcake was no slouch in that department, sucking the meat missile as emphatically as anyone at the time. This is very, very old school. David works on Beefcake’s leg for a while, but Beefcake comes back with his 1985 offense. Oh, wait, this WAS 1985, so I guess it’s apropos. David comes back in turn with some rights and a kneelift. David moves sooooooo slow. Beefcake tosses David out of the ring, where Johnny V attacks. Bruno saves his son and absolutely beats the crap out of Johnny, triggering a big brawl for the double-DQ. Cheap ending. *1/2 – Intercontinental title: Greg Valentine v. Junkfood Dog. Valentine is the second person to do both Starrcade and WM. There’s one more to come. (Oo, oo! I know the answer, condescending 1999 Scott!) Valentine works on the leg a bunch and JYD actually sells it. Crowd doesn’t seem particularly interested in this one. I don’t think there was any sort of storyline going on here. (Nope.) Hart jumps up on the apron and gets punched off by JYD, allowing Greg to do the Ric Flair pin in the corner on JYD for the win. Tito Santana, humanitarian that he was, tells the referee about the malfeasance on the Hammer’s part, so the match is restarted and the departing Valentine is counted out. Bleh. 1/2* On the replay, we see Jimmy actually taking a vicious bump off the apron onto the un-padded floor. Ouch. – WWF Tag team title: Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. Volkoff does the special extended version of the Russian anthem for the big occasion. To give you an idea of the magnitude of what was about to happen here, picture the Dudley Boyz defending the tag titles against, say, The Mean Street Posse. (Or for an analogy that ISN’T totally dated…oh wait, there aren’t any tag teams left. Never mind.) As in, NO ONE gave the challengers half a chance. Hard to believe that Sheik was only a year removed from the World title at this point. (Fun fact: Speaking of tag wrestlers, the other choice for transitional champion between Backlund and Hogan was Bill “Masked Superstar / Demolition Ax” Eadie.) Barry Windham RULES IT, BABY at this point. (Really? He was good, but RULES IT, BABY is pretty strong.) Quick tags from the champs to start and the Evil Foreigners do some miscommunication to establish them as the blundering heels. Rotundo plays Ricky Morton, although really Ricky Morton hadn’t established the Ricky Morton role at this point in his career…well, whatever. (Obviously this isn’t an exact science.) Rotundo escapes the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF DOOM and makes the hot tag to Windham. Windham hits the bulldog on Volkoff but Sheik breaks up the pin, triggering a pier-six brawl. Sheik nails Windham with Freddie Blassies’s cane, and Volkoff falls on top for the pin. Quick match. Crowd is unimpressed to say the least, but they needn’t have worried because it was just a hotshot title switch and the US Express would regain the belts a few weeks later. Blah match. * – Bodyslam challenge: Big John Studd v. Andre the Giant. If Andre slams Studd, he gets $15,000. If he can’t, Andre retires. Bobby is wearing white and purple for the pre-match interview, and when we cut to ringside he’s wearing black and red. (It was a wizard.) This was set up by an ep of Saturday Night’s Main Event where Heenan’s family cut Andre’s afro off. The match is a pretty typical Studd-Giant match, namely slow and boring. In short order, Andre slams Studd and wins the match. But Vince “El Cheapo” McMahon does the Jerry Lawler booking job, as Andre pulls out a couple of handfuls of the money and throws it to the crowd before Heenan steals it back. No real match, so no rating. – WWF Ladies Title: Leilani Kai (w/ Fabulous Moolah) v. Wendi Richter (w/ Cyndi Lauper). Ah, yes, the Rock N Wrestling Connection rears its ugly head with this match. In the pre-match interview, Wendi sounds EXACTLY like Mongo MacMichael, I swear to god. Wendi is just absolutely crazy over. Pretty much a cookie-cutter women’s match, complete with hair-pulling snapmares, and Cyndi Lauper interference. Kai goes for a bodypress off the top and Richter rolls through to regain the title. This was about 1/2* – Main Event: Mr. T & Hulk Hogan v. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff. Billy Martin is the guest ring announcer, Liberace is the guest time keeper, Muhammad Ali is the guest referee. Patterson is the second ref. FIFTEEN YEARS LATER, Martin is dead, Liberace is dead, Andre is dead, Studd is dead, JYD is dead, Ali is a vegetable, Orndorff is retired, Steamboat is retired, Santana is retired, Valentine is retired, the ladies are persona non grata, Cyndi Lauper is the punchline to several 80s jokes (She actually had another comeback after I wrote this and now she’s adult contemporary cool again), Windham, Rotundo and Beefcake are considered over-the-hill, wrestling has changed irrevocably and forever…and Piper is still fighting Hogan for the World title. This is why I hate WCW so much, because no one has any sense of fucking perspective. Anyway, Liberace rings a little bell to start the match. Geez, and people were SURPRISED that this guy was gay? Piper and T start out, and Mr. T actually shows some amateur wrestling technique, which pretty much puts him one up on his partner. T with a fireman’s carry takedown on Piper, which triggers a big brawl right away. Stalling from the heels and then we’re back in as the faces beat the living snot out of Piper. Mr. T looks surprisingly not sucky here. WCW take note. Piper does a dramatic oversell of the big boot, falling out of the ring, then suckering Hogan out after him, which allows him to bash a chair over his head to take control. Ah, those were the days. Heat here is INCREDIBLE. Hogan takes the DOUBLE ATOMIC DROP OF DEATH! Hogan gets beat up for a bit, but Orndorff misses the flying kneedrop and Hogan makes the hot tag to Mr. T. Doesn’t last long as Orndorff smothers T right away. Hogan gets a semi-hot tag in short order and the requisite pier-six breaks out with Jimmy Snuka fighting Bob Orton. But Orton’s interference backfires and Orndorff gets decked with the LOADED CAST OF HIDEOUS DEATH and pinned by Hogan, with no legdrop. Hm. Well, as celebrity matches go this lay somewhere in between Jay Leno and Lawrence Taylor. **1/4 Piper and Orton abandon Orndorff to the wolves, and Hogan is nice enough to let him go in peace. This would lead to Hogan and Orndorff forming a tag team, which would lead to that team self-destructing because Hogan is a jerk. The Bottom Line: Well, it was the first Wrestlemania, what’d you expect? It didn’t get great, or particularly good, until the third one. The WM2 rant will demonstrate that more than adequately. Still, if you’ve never seen it, it’s worth a look for historical reasons. Otherwise, not recommended. The SmarK Retro Rant – Wrestlemania 1 (Director’s Cut) – Yes, it’s another redo of a rant that sucked first time around due to being 5 years ago and all. – This is from the ‘Collection’ set of Wrestlemanias released in 1997, and thus the show is complete and uncut from the original broadcast, unlike the hacked up Coliseum version that I used the first time around. Unfortunately, the actual quality of the tapes is about as low as humanly possible – recorded in EP and seemingly as fragile as Scotch tape with magnetic filings on them. I haven’t even watched this before and it’s already threatening to fall apart. (Hey kids, remember when you had to decide what speed to record on your videotapes?) – You know it’s 1985 because they loop ‘Easy Lover’ while Vince promos the upcoming matches. Mean Gene sings the Star Spangled Banner, which has to rank both with high and low points in the sport. At least it wasn’t ‘Tutti Frutti’. – Live from New York. – Your hosts are Gorilla & Jesse Ventura. – We even get the Tito Santana and Executioner pre-match promos before the opener! Executioner is OBVIOUSLY Buddy Rose given the face and voice. – Opening match: Tito Santana v. The Executioner. Criss-cross to start, and Executioner bails off a dropkick. Back in, Tito grabs a headlock and walks the ropes with it for two. As usual Gorilla reminds us that no one has ever been pinned with a headlock. I’d like to see someone get pinned from the 80s one of these days, just to hear his reaction. Executioner goes after the leg, as promised in the pre-match promo, and rams Tito into the corner a few times. Tito runs into a knee and Executioner goes for a figure-four, but Tito kicks off, so he tries a spinning toehold instead and gets rolled over by Tito for two. Tito comes back, but Executioner begs off. Tito whips him around, but Executioner backdrops out of a piledriver and goes up. Tito slams him off, but hits knee on a splash attempt. Executioner goes to work on the leg, but Tito dumps him. Tito slams him back in, Flying Jalapeno, and figure-four finishes at 4:49. Hey, this was pretty decent without all the clipping! *1/2 (Oddly enough, my original match rating was higher.) – King Kong Bundy v. SD Jones. Hey, an SD Jones Wrestlemania promo. That’s worth getting this version of the tape alone. We gonna get down, baby. Or so I hear. The promo lasts longer than the match, however. The kayfabed time is 9 seconds, the real time is 0:23, as Bundy wins with an Avalanche and a splash. I don’t know where they get 9 seconds from, in fact, as it took Jones that look just to stagger into place in the corner. (It was a wizard.) DUD The actual fastest match ever is Bret Hart beating the Mountie in 1991 at a house show, as the opening bell rang and he cradled him for the pin right away. – Matt Borne v. Ricky Steamboat. Ricky still has his NWA short tights. Criss-cross to start and Steamboat chops away, into a headlock. Borne reverses, but Steamboat flips out and goes back to it. Atomic drop and back to the headlock. Borne gets his own atomic drop and stomps away, but Steamboat comes out of the corner with chops , and back to the headlock again. Borne counters with a nice belly to belly out of the corner and follows with a regular one for two. They slug it out and Steamboat wins that battle with ease and gets a backdrop suplex. Neckbreaker and kneedrop get two. Borne comes back into a criss-cross, and Steamboat knocks him down and goes up for the flying bodypress at 4:35. Pretty much a Steamboat squash. ½* Borne was so humiliated that he didn’t return to Wrestlemania until the ninth one, as Doink the Clown. – Brutus Beefcake v. David Sammartino. David is one of the all-time sad stories of wrestling, as he was both the son of one of the greatest wrestlers ever (Bruno) but also the son of someone who would soon be on the outs with the WWF (also Bruno) and thus not only had the expectations of greatness surrounding him, but got punished for who he was. (Today of course he would just be renamed Brent Butterworth and wrestle on NXT for 18 months straight with no mention of his family history.) He was never any good to begin with, which just made it worse. They actually should have done the tag match that was featured on Coliseum Video instead of this singles match. Beefcake and Johnny V do the big stall to start. Beefcake wins a lockup (so THAT’S where Hogan stole that from!) and then dodges another try at one. PSYCHOLOGY. Okay, maybe not, but I haven’t had a lot to work with yet. (Neither have I.) David takes him down with a toehold, and they do some mat-wrestling, which allows Beefcake a chance to bail. Back in, David goes to a facelock, but Brutus makes the ropes. David goes for the arm, and Brutus slams out, but David hangs on. Brutus goes to a headlock, but David reverses to a toehold. This is all rather pedestrian, as there’s no real selling or strategy involved. David stays on the leg, but Brutus goes to the eyes to break and takes over. Backdrop and Brutus pounds away. The BODYSLAM OF DOOM sets up a devastating kick to the shoulder. Wow, what a hoss that Brutus is. I can’t believe this goof was actually a decent worker by 1990. Brutus works him over in the corner with nothing worth mentioning (except in the ironic sense), but David reverses a whip and backdrops him to come back. This match just keeps going. They slug it out and David knees him in the head and suplexes him, for two. They fight outside and never make it back in, as it turns into a big donnybrook at 11:35. Okayish if incredibly boring. * (Much like this rant.) – Intercontinental title: Greg Valentine v. Junkyard Dog. Dog psyches him out to start and goes to the arm right away. Dog slugs him down and Valentine retreats. Greg pounds him down, but misses an elbow and gets headbutted out of the ring. Back in, they do the test of strength and Hammer hammers him down. Greg goes to work on the leg with some weak stuff, but Dog shoves him off on the first figure-four attempt. They slug it out, and Dog headbutts the shit out of him. Jimmy Hart jumps up to protest, and Valentine nails him by mistake, as Hart takes a headfirst bump to the concrete floor and I believe gives himself a concussion. Greg cradles for the pin at 5:57, using the ropes for leverage. This went nowhere. ½* Tito explains the chicanery to the ref, so he restarts the match and Greg walks out, giving the win to JYD. Silly finish, but it put more heat on the Tito-Greg feud. (Can you imagine booking that kind of finish at a Wrestlemania now? That’s like a bad Smackdown finish.) – WWF tag team title: Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. Sheik headlocks Rotundo to start, but gets hiptossed and dropkicked. The US Express pinballs him in the corner and Rotundo goes back to the headlock. Windham comes off the top and legdrops Sheik low, but gets caught in the wrong corner. Heel miscommunication allows him to escape, however. Volkoff tries and gets headlocked by Windham right away, and Rotundo gets an elbow and elbowdrop for two. Windham comes in with an elbow and they work over the arm in the corner. Good tag stuff there. Rotundo meets the boot of the Sheik, however, to turn the tide. Sheik backdrops him and drops an elbow for two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. Rotundo comes back with a suplex of his own, but Volkoff stomps him down. Rotundo tries a hammerlock, but gets worked over on the ropes. He gets a sunset flip for two, but Volkoff stomps him down again. Knee to the gut and Rotundo gets worked in the heel corner, which leads to the ADOMINAL STRETCH OF DEATH by Sheik. He escapes and makes the hot tag to Windham, who dropkicks Volkoff and gets a bulldog for two. It’s BONZO GONZO, but Sheik hits Windham with Blassie’s cane and Volkoff gets the pin and the titles at 6:55. Don’t cry, the US Express would regain them a couple of weeks later. This was just to have a title change, I think. Match was your usual tag formula, but had terrific heat. ** – We take a merchandising break during the intermission. Hey, where’s the DVD? – $15000 Bodyslam Challenge: Andre the Giant v. Big John Studd. The object here is to slam your opponent, not to pin him. The bag carried by the heels is the old wrestling trick of stuffing a couple of hundred bucks in singles into a bag and calling it ‘thousands’. (Always loved Paul Heyman’s story about Jerry Lawler doing that trick in Memphis and nearly starting a riot because the fans were dumb enough to buy it.) Gorilla questions the wisdom of putting your career up against $15,000, but then Andre never was the genius type. They slug it out to start and Studd bails. Back in, Andre chokes him out to the delight of the crowd and gives him the ASS OF DOOM in the corner. Studd’s first try at a slam fails. Andre goes to a bearhug and that goes on for a while. He switches to a sleeper of sorts and starts working on the arm, then slugs Studd down. He keeps kicking the leg, and slams him at 5:51. Total drek. DUD Andre tosses the actual money in the bag out to the fans, and Heenan steals it quickly after. – Women’s title: Leilani Kai v. Wendi Richter. Fabulous Moolah cost Richter the title a few weeks prior to this to set it up. They even left ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ in as Richter’s entrance music here, which they never do for 80s video releases. Usually they overdub generic music to save a few bucks. Cyndi Lauper is managing Richter here, and Lauper is managed by David Wolfe, who is not be confused with the David Wolfe in wrestling who currently known as Slash in NWA-TNA. Not that anyone would be, but one never knows. (WTF was I going on about there? That’s not even his real name! Was Wikipedia around in 2004?) Wendi slugs her down to start and goes for the arm, unsuccessfully. She tries again and gets a hammerlock. Kai reverses and works the arm herself, then switches to the leg and chokes her down. Wendi squeezes her with a bodyscissors, and they do a HORRIBLE suplex attempt that turns into a Kai near-fall. Kai charges and hits boot in the corner, and Richter gets two. Moolah gets her shots in on Richter, and Kai gives her a big boot as a result. Richter fights back with a fireman’s carry for two. Blind charge hits knee and Kai gets two. Backbreaker gets two. She goes up and they even manage to screw up a bodypress-reversal, as Richter regains the title at 6:10. This was atrocious and embarrassing to watch at times. ¼* (Likely still better than an Alicia Fox match.) Richter would get screwed over by the WWF shortly after, as a contract was shoved in her face before what was supposed to be a squash match, and when she refused to sign the masked ‘jobber’ turned out to be Famous Moolah, (Who the fuck is Famous Moolah? Damn Word autocorrect.) who did a shoot and won the title. – Hulk Hogan & Mr. T v. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff. Special ring announcer is Billy Martin, special timekeeper is Liberace, special outside referee is Muhammed Ali, and special sauce is that stuff they put on Big Macs instead of mayo. Jimmy Snuka and Bob Orton are both hanging out at ringside, and your official ref is Pat Patterson. Hogan and Piper start, but Mr. T wants to start. Hogan, being the unselfish guy that he is, obliges. Slapfest to start and Piper goes low and takes him down, and they do a bit of mat-wrestling, with T coming out on top. T grabs him in a fireman’s carry, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Referees and seconds all get involved, and I wonder if Paul Heyman was booking back then. Piper and Orndorff decide to call it a night and take a walk, but Hogan won’t let them be counted out. So Piper saunters back in, and the faces unleash the dreaded DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER before Hogan clotheslines Piper and gives him an atomic drop. Hogan chokes away, and Mr. T comes in for a double-team. He slams both heels and Hogan pounds on Piper and boots him out of the ring. Orndorff hits him from behind and Hogan joins him out there, which allows Piper to give Hogan a little chair action. Back in, the heels work Hogan over in the enemy corner, including a double atomic drop. Orndorff gets an elbowdrop and stomps him down. Suplex and Piper comes back in and slugs away. Kneelift gets two. Orndorff drops an elbow for two. Backbreaker and Orndorff goes up, but misses the elbow. Hot tag T, but the heels beat him down. Orndorff wrestles him down and the heels work him over in the corner and Piper goes to a front facelock. T escapes and tags Hogan again, who delivers another knocking of noggins, but gets suplexed by Orndorff. Orton and Snuka suddenly brawl for no reason, and Orton nails Orndorff by mistake in the melee, giving Hogan the pin at 13:21. Probably the best of the night, as T didn’t look any worse than anyone else they might have picked. **1/2 This would lead to Orndorff’s face turn (and eventual heel turn) and set up T v. Piper the next year. The Bottom Line: Well, this is one of those shows that gets a free pass for historical reasons, so it’s pretty much recommended only if you’ve never seen it before, or if you enjoy historical curiosities like Buddy Rose opening the show under a mask or Matt Borne with blond hair.
The SmarK Countdown: Wrestlemania
29th February 2012 by Scott Keith
(2012 Scott sez: Welcome to the WRESTLEMANIA COUNTDOWN! Since Wrestlemania as an event has been blessed with so many re-rants from me over the years, I’ll include the redone versions in each post to speed things up. I’m also dispatching with saying “2012 Scott sez” because it takes forever to type and I’m sure you figure out that the bold italic comments are new. Unless you’re stupid, in which case I can’t help you.) The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania. – Okay, they’re here, so please stop bugging me now. Over the next month, we’re gonna cover all 15, so you might wanna pull up a pillow or something and get comfortable. (Oh, the days when there was only 15 shows to go through when doing a countdown.) – Live from New York, New York, the city so ugly they had to name it twice. Original airdate March 31, 1985. – Your hosts are Jesse and Gorilla. – Gene Okerlund sings the national anthem. Dear god… – Opening match: Tito Santana v. The Executioner. Welcome to hell, Tito, as you’re stuck in the opening match against a masked Buddy Rose before the crowd is even finished filing in. Well, things would get better later. Rose, btw, weighs all of about 200 pounds here, although he would get a huge gut the next year. Maybe he should use “Blow Away”. Standard jobber match to introduce the very-not-wrestling-fan crowd to the basics of what’s going on here tonight. Actually a reasonably decent match as Rose controls for a couple of minutes, but Tito makes the comeback with the Flying Jalapeno and figure-four for the submission. I’ve seen worse. ** – SD Jones v. King Kong Bundy. This would be the very definition of a squash. Jones jumps into a bearhug and gets Avalanched and pinned in 9 seconds to set a (bogus) speed record. DUD – Matt Borne v. Ricky Steamboat. Geez, where do you start here? Borne is a jobber at this point who would go on to become WCW’s Big Josh and from there the WWF’s original Doink the Clown. He’s reportedly been trying to commit suicide recently, which I find very sad considering how talented a wrestler he is. (I’m assuming he didn’t succeed, since we didn’t hear anything about him dying and he was fairly recently reinventing himself on the indy scene yet again.) Steamboat is fresh off jumping from the NWA here. It should be noted that Steamboat is the first one to participate in both the first Starrcade and the first Wrestlemania, although there’s two more later in this show. Good lord those ropes are loose. Steamboat pretty much squashes Borne and finishes it with the flying bodypress. It’s the Steamer, so there’s nothing to hate here. **1/4 – Brutus Beefcake v. David Sammartino. There was some sort of feud going on here, but it’s the David Flair of 1985 so who gives a shit? Sammartino was so hideously untalented that even the almighty power of nepotism couldn’t get him over. (That’s a bit harsh, as David was just saddled with expectations that he couldn’t possibly hope to meet.) Speaking of hideously untalented, Beefcake was no slouch in that department, sucking the meat missile as emphatically as anyone at the time. This is very, very old school. David works on Beefcake’s leg for a while, but Beefcake comes back with his 1985 offense. Oh, wait, this WAS 1985, so I guess it’s apropos. David comes back in turn with some rights and a kneelift. David moves sooooooo slow. Beefcake tosses David out of the ring, where Johnny V attacks. Bruno saves his son and absolutely beats the crap out of Johnny, triggering a big brawl for the double-DQ. Cheap ending. *1/2 – Intercontinental title: Greg Valentine v. Junkfood Dog. Valentine is the second person to do both Starrcade and WM. There’s one more to come. (Oo, oo! I know the answer, condescending 1999 Scott!) Valentine works on the leg a bunch and JYD actually sells it. Crowd doesn’t seem particularly interested in this one. I don’t think there was any sort of storyline going on here. (Nope.) Hart jumps up on the apron and gets punched off by JYD, allowing Greg to do the Ric Flair pin in the corner on JYD for the win. Tito Santana, humanitarian that he was, tells the referee about the malfeasance on the Hammer’s part, so the match is restarted and the departing Valentine is counted out. Bleh. 1/2* On the replay, we see Jimmy actually taking a vicious bump off the apron onto the un-padded floor. Ouch. – WWF Tag team title: Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. Volkoff does the special extended version of the Russian anthem for the big occasion. To give you an idea of the magnitude of what was about to happen here, picture the Dudley Boyz defending the tag titles against, say, The Mean Street Posse. (Or for an analogy that ISN’T totally dated…oh wait, there aren’t any tag teams left. Never mind.) As in, NO ONE gave the challengers half a chance. Hard to believe that Sheik was only a year removed from the World title at this point. (Fun fact: Speaking of tag wrestlers, the other choice for transitional champion between Backlund and Hogan was Bill “Masked Superstar / Demolition Ax” Eadie.) Barry Windham RULES IT, BABY at this point. (Really? He was good, but RULES IT, BABY is pretty strong.) Quick tags from the champs to start and the Evil Foreigners do some miscommunication to establish them as the blundering heels. Rotundo plays Ricky Morton, although really Ricky Morton hadn’t established the Ricky Morton role at this point in his career…well, whatever. (Obviously this isn’t an exact science.) Rotundo escapes the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF DOOM and makes the hot tag to Windham. Windham hits the bulldog on Volkoff but Sheik breaks up the pin, triggering a pier-six brawl. Sheik nails Windham with Freddie Blassies’s cane, and Volkoff falls on top for the pin. Quick match. Crowd is unimpressed to say the least, but they needn’t have worried because it was just a hotshot title switch and the US Express would regain the belts a few weeks later. Blah match. * – Bodyslam challenge: Big John Studd v. Andre the Giant. If Andre slams Studd, he gets $15,000. If he can’t, Andre retires. Bobby is wearing white and purple for the pre-match interview, and when we cut to ringside he’s wearing black and red. (It was a wizard.) This was set up by an ep of Saturday Night’s Main Event where Heenan’s family cut Andre’s afro off. The match is a pretty typical Studd-Giant match, namely slow and boring. In short order, Andre slams Studd and wins the match. But Vince “El Cheapo” McMahon does the Jerry Lawler booking job, as Andre pulls out a couple of handfuls of the money and throws it to the crowd before Heenan steals it back. No real match, so no rating. – WWF Ladies Title: Leilani Kai (w/ Fabulous Moolah) v. Wendi Richter (w/ Cyndi Lauper). Ah, yes, the Rock N Wrestling Connection rears its ugly head with this match. In the pre-match interview, Wendi sounds EXACTLY like Mongo MacMichael, I swear to god. Wendi is just absolutely crazy over. Pretty much a cookie-cutter women’s match, complete with hair-pulling snapmares, and Cyndi Lauper interference. Kai goes for a bodypress off the top and Richter rolls through to regain the title. This was about 1/2* – Main Event: Mr. T & Hulk Hogan v. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff. Billy Martin is the guest ring announcer, Liberace is the guest time keeper, Muhammad Ali is the guest referee. Patterson is the second ref. FIFTEEN YEARS LATER, Martin is dead, Liberace is dead, Andre is dead, Studd is dead, JYD is dead, Ali is a vegetable, Orndorff is retired, Steamboat is retired, Santana is retired, Valentine is retired, the ladies are persona non grata, Cyndi Lauper is the punchline to several 80s jokes (She actually had another comeback after I wrote this and now she’s adult contemporary cool again), Windham, Rotundo and Beefcake are considered over-the-hill, wrestling has changed irrevocably and forever…and Piper is still fighting Hogan for the World title. This is why I hate WCW so much, because no one has any sense of fucking perspective. Anyway, Liberace rings a little bell to start the match. Geez, and people were SURPRISED that this guy was gay? Piper and T start out, and Mr. T actually shows some amateur wrestling technique, which pretty much puts him one up on his partner. T with a fireman’s carry takedown on Piper, which triggers a big brawl right away. Stalling from the heels and then we’re back in as the faces beat the living snot out of Piper. Mr. T looks surprisingly not sucky here. WCW take note. Piper does a dramatic oversell of the big boot, falling out of the ring, then suckering Hogan out after him, which allows him to bash a chair over his head to take control. Ah, those were the days. Heat here is INCREDIBLE. Hogan takes the DOUBLE ATOMIC DROP OF DEATH! Hogan gets beat up for a bit, but Orndorff misses the flying kneedrop and Hogan makes the hot tag to Mr. T. Doesn’t last long as Orndorff smothers T right away. Hogan gets a semi-hot tag in short order and the requisite pier-six breaks out with Jimmy Snuka fighting Bob Orton. But Orton’s interference backfires and Orndorff gets decked with the LOADED CAST OF HIDEOUS DEATH and pinned by Hogan, with no legdrop. Hm. Well, as celebrity matches go this lay somewhere in between Jay Leno and Lawrence Taylor. **1/4 Piper and Orton abandon Orndorff to the wolves, and Hogan is nice enough to let him go in peace. This would lead to Hogan and Orndorff forming a tag team, which would lead to that team self-destructing because Hogan is a jerk. The Bottom Line: Well, it was the first Wrestlemania, what’d you expect? It didn’t get great, or particularly good, until the third one. The WM2 rant will demonstrate that more than adequately. Still, if you’ve never seen it, it’s worth a look for historical reasons. Otherwise, not recommended. The SmarK Retro Rant – Wrestlemania 1 (Director’s Cut) – Yes, it’s another redo of a rant that sucked first time around due to being 5 years ago and all. – This is from the ‘Collection’ set of Wrestlemanias released in 1997, and thus the show is complete and uncut from the original broadcast, unlike the hacked up Coliseum version that I used the first time around. Unfortunately, the actual quality of the tapes is about as low as humanly possible – recorded in EP and seemingly as fragile as Scotch tape with magnetic filings on them. I haven’t even watched this before and it’s already threatening to fall apart. (Hey kids, remember when you had to decide what speed to record on your videotapes?) – You know it’s 1985 because they loop ‘Easy Lover’ while Vince promos the upcoming matches. Mean Gene sings the Star Spangled Banner, which has to rank both with high and low points in the sport. At least it wasn’t ‘Tutti Frutti’. – Live from New York. – Your hosts are Gorilla & Jesse Ventura. – We even get the Tito Santana and Executioner pre-match promos before the opener! Executioner is OBVIOUSLY Buddy Rose given the face and voice. – Opening match: Tito Santana v. The Executioner. Criss-cross to start, and Executioner bails off a dropkick. Back in, Tito grabs a headlock and walks the ropes with it for two. As usual Gorilla reminds us that no one has ever been pinned with a headlock. I’d like to see someone get pinned from the 80s one of these days, just to hear his reaction. Executioner goes after the leg, as promised in the pre-match promo, and rams Tito into the corner a few times. Tito runs into a knee and Executioner goes for a figure-four, but Tito kicks off, so he tries a spinning toehold instead and gets rolled over by Tito for two. Tito comes back, but Executioner begs off. Tito whips him around, but Executioner backdrops out of a piledriver and goes up. Tito slams him off, but hits knee on a splash attempt. Executioner goes to work on the leg, but Tito dumps him. Tito slams him back in, Flying Jalapeno, and figure-four finishes at 4:49. Hey, this was pretty decent without all the clipping! *1/2 (Oddly enough, my original match rating was higher.) – King Kong Bundy v. SD Jones. Hey, an SD Jones Wrestlemania promo. That’s worth getting this version of the tape alone. We gonna get down, baby. Or so I hear. The promo lasts longer than the match, however. The kayfabed time is 9 seconds, the real time is 0:23, as Bundy wins with an Avalanche and a splash. I don’t know where they get 9 seconds from, in fact, as it took Jones that look just to stagger into place in the corner. (It was a wizard.) DUD The actual fastest match ever is Bret Hart beating the Mountie in 1991 at a house show, as the opening bell rang and he cradled him for the pin right away. – Matt Borne v. Ricky Steamboat. Ricky still has his NWA short tights. Criss-cross to start and Steamboat chops away, into a headlock. Borne reverses, but Steamboat flips out and goes back to it. Atomic drop and back to the headlock. Borne gets his own atomic drop and stomps away, but Steamboat comes out of the corner with chops , and back to the headlock again. Borne counters with a nice belly to belly out of the corner and follows with a regular one for two. They slug it out and Steamboat wins that battle with ease and gets a backdrop suplex. Neckbreaker and kneedrop get two. Borne comes back into a criss-cross, and Steamboat knocks him down and goes up for the flying bodypress at 4:35. Pretty much a Steamboat squash. ½* Borne was so humiliated that he didn’t return to Wrestlemania until the ninth one, as Doink the Clown. – Brutus Beefcake v. David Sammartino. David is one of the all-time sad stories of wrestling, as he was both the son of one of the greatest wrestlers ever (Bruno) but also the son of someone who would soon be on the outs with the WWF (also Bruno) and thus not only had the expectations of greatness surrounding him, but got punished for who he was. (Today of course he would just be renamed Brent Butterworth and wrestle on NXT for 18 months straight with no mention of his family history.) He was never any good to begin with, which just made it worse. They actually should have done the tag match that was featured on Coliseum Video instead of this singles match. Beefcake and Johnny V do the big stall to start. Beefcake wins a lockup (so THAT’S where Hogan stole that from!) and then dodges another try at one. PSYCHOLOGY. Okay, maybe not, but I haven’t had a lot to work with yet. (Neither have I.) David takes him down with a toehold, and they do some mat-wrestling, which allows Beefcake a chance to bail. Back in, David goes to a facelock, but Brutus makes the ropes. David goes for the arm, and Brutus slams out, but David hangs on. Brutus goes to a headlock, but David reverses to a toehold. This is all rather pedestrian, as there’s no real selling or strategy involved. David stays on the leg, but Brutus goes to the eyes to break and takes over. Backdrop and Brutus pounds away. The BODYSLAM OF DOOM sets up a devastating kick to the shoulder. Wow, what a hoss that Brutus is. I can’t believe this goof was actually a decent worker by 1990. Brutus works him over in the corner with nothing worth mentioning (except in the ironic sense), but David reverses a whip and backdrops him to come back. This match just keeps going. They slug it out and David knees him in the head and suplexes him, for two. They fight outside and never make it back in, as it turns into a big donnybrook at 11:35. Okayish if incredibly boring. * (Much like this rant.) – Intercontinental title: Greg Valentine v. Junkyard Dog. Dog psyches him out to start and goes to the arm right away. Dog slugs him down and Valentine retreats. Greg pounds him down, but misses an elbow and gets headbutted out of the ring. Back in, they do the test of strength and Hammer hammers him down. Greg goes to work on the leg with some weak stuff, but Dog shoves him off on the first figure-four attempt. They slug it out, and Dog headbutts the shit out of him. Jimmy Hart jumps up to protest, and Valentine nails him by mistake, as Hart takes a headfirst bump to the concrete floor and I believe gives himself a concussion. Greg cradles for the pin at 5:57, using the ropes for leverage. This went nowhere. ½* Tito explains the chicanery to the ref, so he restarts the match and Greg walks out, giving the win to JYD. Silly finish, but it put more heat on the Tito-Greg feud. (Can you imagine booking that kind of finish at a Wrestlemania now? That’s like a bad Smackdown finish.) – WWF tag team title: Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. Sheik headlocks Rotundo to start, but gets hiptossed and dropkicked. The US Express pinballs him in the corner and Rotundo goes back to the headlock. Windham comes off the top and legdrops Sheik low, but gets caught in the wrong corner. Heel miscommunication allows him to escape, however. Volkoff tries and gets headlocked by Windham right away, and Rotundo gets an elbow and elbowdrop for two. Windham comes in with an elbow and they work over the arm in the corner. Good tag stuff there. Rotundo meets the boot of the Sheik, however, to turn the tide. Sheik backdrops him and drops an elbow for two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. Rotundo comes back with a suplex of his own, but Volkoff stomps him down. Rotundo tries a hammerlock, but gets worked over on the ropes. He gets a sunset flip for two, but Volkoff stomps him down again. Knee to the gut and Rotundo gets worked in the heel corner, which leads to the ADOMINAL STRETCH OF DEATH by Sheik. He escapes and makes the hot tag to Windham, who dropkicks Volkoff and gets a bulldog for two. It’s BONZO GONZO, but Sheik hits Windham with Blassie’s cane and Volkoff gets the pin and the titles at 6:55. Don’t cry, the US Express would regain them a couple of weeks later. This was just to have a title change, I think. Match was your usual tag formula, but had terrific heat. ** – We take a merchandising break during the intermission. Hey, where’s the DVD? – $15000 Bodyslam Challenge: Andre the Giant v. Big John Studd. The object here is to slam your opponent, not to pin him. The bag carried by the heels is the old wrestling trick of stuffing a couple of hundred bucks in singles into a bag and calling it ‘thousands’. (Always loved Paul Heyman’s story about Jerry Lawler doing that trick in Memphis and nearly starting a riot because the fans were dumb enough to buy it.) Gorilla questions the wisdom of putting your career up against $15,000, but then Andre never was the genius type. They slug it out to start and Studd bails. Back in, Andre chokes him out to the delight of the crowd and gives him the ASS OF DOOM in the corner. Studd’s first try at a slam fails. Andre goes to a bearhug and that goes on for a while. He switches to a sleeper of sorts and starts working on the arm, then slugs Studd down. He keeps kicking the leg, and slams him at 5:51. Total drek. DUD Andre tosses the actual money in the bag out to the fans, and Heenan steals it quickly after. – Women’s title: Leilani Kai v. Wendi Richter. Fabulous Moolah cost Richter the title a few weeks prior to this to set it up. They even left ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ in as Richter’s entrance music here, which they never do for 80s video releases. Usually they overdub generic music to save a few bucks. Cyndi Lauper is managing Richter here, and Lauper is managed by David Wolfe, who is not be confused with the David Wolfe in wrestling who currently known as Slash in NWA-TNA. Not that anyone would be, but one never knows. (WTF was I going on about there? That’s not even his real name! Was Wikipedia around in 2004?) Wendi slugs her down to start and goes for the arm, unsuccessfully. She tries again and gets a hammerlock. Kai reverses and works the arm herself, then switches to the leg and chokes her down. Wendi squeezes her with a bodyscissors, and they do a HORRIBLE suplex attempt that turns into a Kai near-fall. Kai charges and hits boot in the corner, and Richter gets two. Moolah gets her shots in on Richter, and Kai gives her a big boot as a result. Richter fights back with a fireman’s carry for two. Blind charge hits knee and Kai gets two. Backbreaker gets two. She goes up and they even manage to screw up a bodypress-reversal, as Richter regains the title at 6:10. This was atrocious and embarrassing to watch at times. ¼* (Likely still better than an Alicia Fox match.) Richter would get screwed over by the WWF shortly after, as a contract was shoved in her face before what was supposed to be a squash match, and when she refused to sign the masked ‘jobber’ turned out to be Famous Moolah, (Who the fuck is Famous Moolah? Damn Word autocorrect.) who did a shoot and won the title. – Hulk Hogan & Mr. T v. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff. Special ring announcer is Billy Martin, special timekeeper is Liberace, special outside referee is Muhammed Ali, and special sauce is that stuff they put on Big Macs instead of mayo. Jimmy Snuka and Bob Orton are both hanging out at ringside, and your official ref is Pat Patterson. Hogan and Piper start, but Mr. T wants to start. Hogan, being the unselfish guy that he is, obliges. Slapfest to start and Piper goes low and takes him down, and they do a bit of mat-wrestling, with T coming out on top. T grabs him in a fireman’s carry, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Referees and seconds all get involved, and I wonder if Paul Heyman was booking back then. Piper and Orndorff decide to call it a night and take a walk, but Hogan won’t let them be counted out. So Piper saunters back in, and the faces unleash the dreaded DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER before Hogan clotheslines Piper and gives him an atomic drop. Hogan chokes away, and Mr. T comes in for a double-team. He slams both heels and Hogan pounds on Piper and boots him out of the ring. Orndorff hits him from behind and Hogan joins him out there, which allows Piper to give Hogan a little chair action. Back in, the heels work Hogan over in the enemy corner, including a double atomic drop. Orndorff gets an elbowdrop and stomps him down. Suplex and Piper comes back in and slugs away. Kneelift gets two. Orndorff drops an elbow for two. Backbreaker and Orndorff goes up, but misses the elbow. Hot tag T, but the heels beat him down. Orndorff wrestles him down and the heels work him over in the corner and Piper goes to a front facelock. T escapes and tags Hogan again, who delivers another knocking of noggins, but gets suplexed by Orndorff. Orton and Snuka suddenly brawl for no reason, and Orton nails Orndorff by mistake in the melee, giving Hogan the pin at 13:21. Probably the best of the night, as T didn’t look any worse than anyone else they might have picked. **1/2 This would lead to Orndorff’s face turn (and eventual heel turn) and set up T v. Piper the next year. The Bottom Line: Well, this is one of those shows that gets a free pass for historical reasons, so it’s pretty much recommended only if you’ve never seen it before, or if you enjoy historical curiosities like Buddy Rose opening the show under a mask or Matt Borne with blond hair.
The SmarK Countdown: Wrestlemania
29th February 2012 by Scott Keith
(2012 Scott sez: Welcome to the WRESTLEMANIA COUNTDOWN! Since Wrestlemania as an event has been blessed with so many re-rants from me over the years, I’ll include the redone versions in each post to speed things up. I’m also dispatching with saying “2012 Scott sez” because it takes forever to type and I’m sure you figure out that the bold italic comments are new. Unless you’re stupid, in which case I can’t help you.) The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania. – Okay, they’re here, so please stop bugging me now. Over the next month, we’re gonna cover all 15, so you might wanna pull up a pillow or something and get comfortable. (Oh, the days when there was only 15 shows to go through when doing a countdown.) – Live from New York, New York, the city so ugly they had to name it twice. Original airdate March 31, 1985. – Your hosts are Jesse and Gorilla. – Gene Okerlund sings the national anthem. Dear god… – Opening match: Tito Santana v. The Executioner. Welcome to hell, Tito, as you’re stuck in the opening match against a masked Buddy Rose before the crowd is even finished filing in. Well, things would get better later. Rose, btw, weighs all of about 200 pounds here, although he would get a huge gut the next year. Maybe he should use “Blow Away”. Standard jobber match to introduce the very-not-wrestling-fan crowd to the basics of what’s going on here tonight. Actually a reasonably decent match as Rose controls for a couple of minutes, but Tito makes the comeback with the Flying Jalapeno and figure-four for the submission. I’ve seen worse. ** – SD Jones v. King Kong Bundy. This would be the very definition of a squash. Jones jumps into a bearhug and gets Avalanched and pinned in 9 seconds to set a (bogus) speed record. DUD – Matt Borne v. Ricky Steamboat. Geez, where do you start here? Borne is a jobber at this point who would go on to become WCW’s Big Josh and from there the WWF’s original Doink the Clown. He’s reportedly been trying to commit suicide recently, which I find very sad considering how talented a wrestler he is. (I’m assuming he didn’t succeed, since we didn’t hear anything about him dying and he was fairly recently reinventing himself on the indy scene yet again.) Steamboat is fresh off jumping from the NWA here. It should be noted that Steamboat is the first one to participate in both the first Starrcade and the first Wrestlemania, although there’s two more later in this show. Good lord those ropes are loose. Steamboat pretty much squashes Borne and finishes it with the flying bodypress. It’s the Steamer, so there’s nothing to hate here. **1/4 – Brutus Beefcake v. David Sammartino. There was some sort of feud going on here, but it’s the David Flair of 1985 so who gives a shit? Sammartino was so hideously untalented that even the almighty power of nepotism couldn’t get him over. (That’s a bit harsh, as David was just saddled with expectations that he couldn’t possibly hope to meet.) Speaking of hideously untalented, Beefcake was no slouch in that department, sucking the meat missile as emphatically as anyone at the time. This is very, very old school. David works on Beefcake’s leg for a while, but Beefcake comes back with his 1985 offense. Oh, wait, this WAS 1985, so I guess it’s apropos. David comes back in turn with some rights and a kneelift. David moves sooooooo slow. Beefcake tosses David out of the ring, where Johnny V attacks. Bruno saves his son and absolutely beats the crap out of Johnny, triggering a big brawl for the double-DQ. Cheap ending. *1/2 – Intercontinental title: Greg Valentine v. Junkfood Dog. Valentine is the second person to do both Starrcade and WM. There’s one more to come. (Oo, oo! I know the answer, condescending 1999 Scott!) Valentine works on the leg a bunch and JYD actually sells it. Crowd doesn’t seem particularly interested in this one. I don’t think there was any sort of storyline going on here. (Nope.) Hart jumps up on the apron and gets punched off by JYD, allowing Greg to do the Ric Flair pin in the corner on JYD for the win. Tito Santana, humanitarian that he was, tells the referee about the malfeasance on the Hammer’s part, so the match is restarted and the departing Valentine is counted out. Bleh. 1/2* On the replay, we see Jimmy actually taking a vicious bump off the apron onto the un-padded floor. Ouch. – WWF Tag team title: Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. Volkoff does the special extended version of the Russian anthem for the big occasion. To give you an idea of the magnitude of what was about to happen here, picture the Dudley Boyz defending the tag titles against, say, The Mean Street Posse. (Or for an analogy that ISN’T totally dated…oh wait, there aren’t any tag teams left. Never mind.) As in, NO ONE gave the challengers half a chance. Hard to believe that Sheik was only a year removed from the World title at this point. (Fun fact: Speaking of tag wrestlers, the other choice for transitional champion between Backlund and Hogan was Bill “Masked Superstar / Demolition Ax” Eadie.) Barry Windham RULES IT, BABY at this point. (Really? He was good, but RULES IT, BABY is pretty strong.) Quick tags from the champs to start and the Evil Foreigners do some miscommunication to establish them as the blundering heels. Rotundo plays Ricky Morton, although really Ricky Morton hadn’t established the Ricky Morton role at this point in his career…well, whatever. (Obviously this isn’t an exact science.) Rotundo escapes the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF DOOM and makes the hot tag to Windham. Windham hits the bulldog on Volkoff but Sheik breaks up the pin, triggering a pier-six brawl. Sheik nails Windham with Freddie Blassies’s cane, and Volkoff falls on top for the pin. Quick match. Crowd is unimpressed to say the least, but they needn’t have worried because it was just a hotshot title switch and the US Express would regain the belts a few weeks later. Blah match. * – Bodyslam challenge: Big John Studd v. Andre the Giant. If Andre slams Studd, he gets $15,000. If he can’t, Andre retires. Bobby is wearing white and purple for the pre-match interview, and when we cut to ringside he’s wearing black and red. (It was a wizard.) This was set up by an ep of Saturday Night’s Main Event where Heenan’s family cut Andre’s afro off. The match is a pretty typical Studd-Giant match, namely slow and boring. In short order, Andre slams Studd and wins the match. But Vince “El Cheapo” McMahon does the Jerry Lawler booking job, as Andre pulls out a couple of handfuls of the money and throws it to the crowd before Heenan steals it back. No real match, so no rating. – WWF Ladies Title: Leilani Kai (w/ Fabulous Moolah) v. Wendi Richter (w/ Cyndi Lauper). Ah, yes, the Rock N Wrestling Connection rears its ugly head with this match. In the pre-match interview, Wendi sounds EXACTLY like Mongo MacMichael, I swear to god. Wendi is just absolutely crazy over. Pretty much a cookie-cutter women’s match, complete with hair-pulling snapmares, and Cyndi Lauper interference. Kai goes for a bodypress off the top and Richter rolls through to regain the title. This was about 1/2* – Main Event: Mr. T & Hulk Hogan v. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff. Billy Martin is the guest ring announcer, Liberace is the guest time keeper, Muhammad Ali is the guest referee. Patterson is the second ref. FIFTEEN YEARS LATER, Martin is dead, Liberace is dead, Andre is dead, Studd is dead, JYD is dead, Ali is a vegetable, Orndorff is retired, Steamboat is retired, Santana is retired, Valentine is retired, the ladies are persona non grata, Cyndi Lauper is the punchline to several 80s jokes (She actually had another comeback after I wrote this and now she’s adult contemporary cool again), Windham, Rotundo and Beefcake are considered over-the-hill, wrestling has changed irrevocably and forever…and Piper is still fighting Hogan for the World title. This is why I hate WCW so much, because no one has any sense of fucking perspective. Anyway, Liberace rings a little bell to start the match. Geez, and people were SURPRISED that this guy was gay? Piper and T start out, and Mr. T actually shows some amateur wrestling technique, which pretty much puts him one up on his partner. T with a fireman’s carry takedown on Piper, which triggers a big brawl right away. Stalling from the heels and then we’re back in as the faces beat the living snot out of Piper. Mr. T looks surprisingly not sucky here. WCW take note. Piper does a dramatic oversell of the big boot, falling out of the ring, then suckering Hogan out after him, which allows him to bash a chair over his head to take control. Ah, those were the days. Heat here is INCREDIBLE. Hogan takes the DOUBLE ATOMIC DROP OF DEATH! Hogan gets beat up for a bit, but Orndorff misses the flying kneedrop and Hogan makes the hot tag to Mr. T. Doesn’t last long as Orndorff smothers T right away. Hogan gets a semi-hot tag in short order and the requisite pier-six breaks out with Jimmy Snuka fighting Bob Orton. But Orton’s interference backfires and Orndorff gets decked with the LOADED CAST OF HIDEOUS DEATH and pinned by Hogan, with no legdrop. Hm. Well, as celebrity matches go this lay somewhere in between Jay Leno and Lawrence Taylor. **1/4 Piper and Orton abandon Orndorff to the wolves, and Hogan is nice enough to let him go in peace. This would lead to Hogan and Orndorff forming a tag team, which would lead to that team self-destructing because Hogan is a jerk. The Bottom Line: Well, it was the first Wrestlemania, what’d you expect? It didn’t get great, or particularly good, until the third one. The WM2 rant will demonstrate that more than adequately. Still, if you’ve never seen it, it’s worth a look for historical reasons. Otherwise, not recommended. The SmarK Retro Rant – Wrestlemania 1 (Director’s Cut) – Yes, it’s another redo of a rant that sucked first time around due to being 5 years ago and all. – This is from the ‘Collection’ set of Wrestlemanias released in 1997, and thus the show is complete and uncut from the original broadcast, unlike the hacked up Coliseum version that I used the first time around. Unfortunately, the actual quality of the tapes is about as low as humanly possible – recorded in EP and seemingly as fragile as Scotch tape with magnetic filings on them. I haven’t even watched this before and it’s already threatening to fall apart. (Hey kids, remember when you had to decide what speed to record on your videotapes?) – You know it’s 1985 because they loop ‘Easy Lover’ while Vince promos the upcoming matches. Mean Gene sings the Star Spangled Banner, which has to rank both with high and low points in the sport. At least it wasn’t ‘Tutti Frutti’. – Live from New York. – Your hosts are Gorilla & Jesse Ventura. – We even get the Tito Santana and Executioner pre-match promos before the opener! Executioner is OBVIOUSLY Buddy Rose given the face and voice. – Opening match: Tito Santana v. The Executioner. Criss-cross to start, and Executioner bails off a dropkick. Back in, Tito grabs a headlock and walks the ropes with it for two. As usual Gorilla reminds us that no one has ever been pinned with a headlock. I’d like to see someone get pinned from the 80s one of these days, just to hear his reaction. Executioner goes after the leg, as promised in the pre-match promo, and rams Tito into the corner a few times. Tito runs into a knee and Executioner goes for a figure-four, but Tito kicks off, so he tries a spinning toehold instead and gets rolled over by Tito for two. Tito comes back, but Executioner begs off. Tito whips him around, but Executioner backdrops out of a piledriver and goes up. Tito slams him off, but hits knee on a splash attempt. Executioner goes to work on the leg, but Tito dumps him. Tito slams him back in, Flying Jalapeno, and figure-four finishes at 4:49. Hey, this was pretty decent without all the clipping! *1/2 (Oddly enough, my original match rating was higher.) – King Kong Bundy v. SD Jones. Hey, an SD Jones Wrestlemania promo. That’s worth getting this version of the tape alone. We gonna get down, baby. Or so I hear. The promo lasts longer than the match, however. The kayfabed time is 9 seconds, the real time is 0:23, as Bundy wins with an Avalanche and a splash. I don’t know where they get 9 seconds from, in fact, as it took Jones that look just to stagger into place in the corner. (It was a wizard.) DUD The actual fastest match ever is Bret Hart beating the Mountie in 1991 at a house show, as the opening bell rang and he cradled him for the pin right away. – Matt Borne v. Ricky Steamboat. Ricky still has his NWA short tights. Criss-cross to start and Steamboat chops away, into a headlock. Borne reverses, but Steamboat flips out and goes back to it. Atomic drop and back to the headlock. Borne gets his own atomic drop and stomps away, but Steamboat comes out of the corner with chops , and back to the headlock again. Borne counters with a nice belly to belly out of the corner and follows with a regular one for two. They slug it out and Steamboat wins that battle with ease and gets a backdrop suplex. Neckbreaker and kneedrop get two. Borne comes back into a criss-cross, and Steamboat knocks him down and goes up for the flying bodypress at 4:35. Pretty much a Steamboat squash. ½* Borne was so humiliated that he didn’t return to Wrestlemania until the ninth one, as Doink the Clown. – Brutus Beefcake v. David Sammartino. David is one of the all-time sad stories of wrestling, as he was both the son of one of the greatest wrestlers ever (Bruno) but also the son of someone who would soon be on the outs with the WWF (also Bruno) and thus not only had the expectations of greatness surrounding him, but got punished for who he was. (Today of course he would just be renamed Brent Butterworth and wrestle on NXT for 18 months straight with no mention of his family history.) He was never any good to begin with, which just made it worse. They actually should have done the tag match that was featured on Coliseum Video instead of this singles match. Beefcake and Johnny V do the big stall to start. Beefcake wins a lockup (so THAT’S where Hogan stole that from!) and then dodges another try at one. PSYCHOLOGY. Okay, maybe not, but I haven’t had a lot to work with yet. (Neither have I.) David takes him down with a toehold, and they do some mat-wrestling, which allows Beefcake a chance to bail. Back in, David goes to a facelock, but Brutus makes the ropes. David goes for the arm, and Brutus slams out, but David hangs on. Brutus goes to a headlock, but David reverses to a toehold. This is all rather pedestrian, as there’s no real selling or strategy involved. David stays on the leg, but Brutus goes to the eyes to break and takes over. Backdrop and Brutus pounds away. The BODYSLAM OF DOOM sets up a devastating kick to the shoulder. Wow, what a hoss that Brutus is. I can’t believe this goof was actually a decent worker by 1990. Brutus works him over in the corner with nothing worth mentioning (except in the ironic sense), but David reverses a whip and backdrops him to come back. This match just keeps going. They slug it out and David knees him in the head and suplexes him, for two. They fight outside and never make it back in, as it turns into a big donnybrook at 11:35. Okayish if incredibly boring. * (Much like this rant.) – Intercontinental title: Greg Valentine v. Junkyard Dog. Dog psyches him out to start and goes to the arm right away. Dog slugs him down and Valentine retreats. Greg pounds him down, but misses an elbow and gets headbutted out of the ring. Back in, they do the test of strength and Hammer hammers him down. Greg goes to work on the leg with some weak stuff, but Dog shoves him off on the first figure-four attempt. They slug it out, and Dog headbutts the shit out of him. Jimmy Hart jumps up to protest, and Valentine nails him by mistake, as Hart takes a headfirst bump to the concrete floor and I believe gives himself a concussion. Greg cradles for the pin at 5:57, using the ropes for leverage. This went nowhere. ½* Tito explains the chicanery to the ref, so he restarts the match and Greg walks out, giving the win to JYD. Silly finish, but it put more heat on the Tito-Greg feud. (Can you imagine booking that kind of finish at a Wrestlemania now? That’s like a bad Smackdown finish.) – WWF tag team title: Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. Sheik headlocks Rotundo to start, but gets hiptossed and dropkicked. The US Express pinballs him in the corner and Rotundo goes back to the headlock. Windham comes off the top and legdrops Sheik low, but gets caught in the wrong corner. Heel miscommunication allows him to escape, however. Volkoff tries and gets headlocked by Windham right away, and Rotundo gets an elbow and elbowdrop for two. Windham comes in with an elbow and they work over the arm in the corner. Good tag stuff there. Rotundo meets the boot of the Sheik, however, to turn the tide. Sheik backdrops him and drops an elbow for two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. Rotundo comes back with a suplex of his own, but Volkoff stomps him down. Rotundo tries a hammerlock, but gets worked over on the ropes. He gets a sunset flip for two, but Volkoff stomps him down again. Knee to the gut and Rotundo gets worked in the heel corner, which leads to the ADOMINAL STRETCH OF DEATH by Sheik. He escapes and makes the hot tag to Windham, who dropkicks Volkoff and gets a bulldog for two. It’s BONZO GONZO, but Sheik hits Windham with Blassie’s cane and Volkoff gets the pin and the titles at 6:55. Don’t cry, the US Express would regain them a couple of weeks later. This was just to have a title change, I think. Match was your usual tag formula, but had terrific heat. ** – We take a merchandising break during the intermission. Hey, where’s the DVD? – $15000 Bodyslam Challenge: Andre the Giant v. Big John Studd. The object here is to slam your opponent, not to pin him. The bag carried by the heels is the old wrestling trick of stuffing a couple of hundred bucks in singles into a bag and calling it ‘thousands’. (Always loved Paul Heyman’s story about Jerry Lawler doing that trick in Memphis and nearly starting a riot because the fans were dumb enough to buy it.) Gorilla questions the wisdom of putting your career up against $15,000, but then Andre never was the genius type. They slug it out to start and Studd bails. Back in, Andre chokes him out to the delight of the crowd and gives him the ASS OF DOOM in the corner. Studd’s first try at a slam fails. Andre goes to a bearhug and that goes on for a while. He switches to a sleeper of sorts and starts working on the arm, then slugs Studd down. He keeps kicking the leg, and slams him at 5:51. Total drek. DUD Andre tosses the actual money in the bag out to the fans, and Heenan steals it quickly after. – Women’s title: Leilani Kai v. Wendi Richter. Fabulous Moolah cost Richter the title a few weeks prior to this to set it up. They even left ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ in as Richter’s entrance music here, which they never do for 80s video releases. Usually they overdub generic music to save a few bucks. Cyndi Lauper is managing Richter here, and Lauper is managed by David Wolfe, who is not be confused with the David Wolfe in wrestling who currently known as Slash in NWA-TNA. Not that anyone would be, but one never knows. (WTF was I going on about there? That’s not even his real name! Was Wikipedia around in 2004?) Wendi slugs her down to start and goes for the arm, unsuccessfully. She tries again and gets a hammerlock. Kai reverses and works the arm herself, then switches to the leg and chokes her down. Wendi squeezes her with a bodyscissors, and they do a HORRIBLE suplex attempt that turns into a Kai near-fall. Kai charges and hits boot in the corner, and Richter gets two. Moolah gets her shots in on Richter, and Kai gives her a big boot as a result. Richter fights back with a fireman’s carry for two. Blind charge hits knee and Kai gets two. Backbreaker gets two. She goes up and they even manage to screw up a bodypress-reversal, as Richter regains the title at 6:10. This was atrocious and embarrassing to watch at times. ¼* (Likely still better than an Alicia Fox match.) Richter would get screwed over by the WWF shortly after, as a contract was shoved in her face before what was supposed to be a squash match, and when she refused to sign the masked ‘jobber’ turned out to be Famous Moolah, (Who the fuck is Famous Moolah? Damn Word autocorrect.) who did a shoot and won the title. – Hulk Hogan & Mr. T v. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff. Special ring announcer is Billy Martin, special timekeeper is Liberace, special outside referee is Muhammed Ali, and special sauce is that stuff they put on Big Macs instead of mayo. Jimmy Snuka and Bob Orton are both hanging out at ringside, and your official ref is Pat Patterson. Hogan and Piper start, but Mr. T wants to start. Hogan, being the unselfish guy that he is, obliges. Slapfest to start and Piper goes low and takes him down, and they do a bit of mat-wrestling, with T coming out on top. T grabs him in a fireman’s carry, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Referees and seconds all get involved, and I wonder if Paul Heyman was booking back then. Piper and Orndorff decide to call it a night and take a walk, but Hogan won’t let them be counted out. So Piper saunters back in, and the faces unleash the dreaded DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER before Hogan clotheslines Piper and gives him an atomic drop. Hogan chokes away, and Mr. T comes in for a double-team. He slams both heels and Hogan pounds on Piper and boots him out of the ring. Orndorff hits him from behind and Hogan joins him out there, which allows Piper to give Hogan a little chair action. Back in, the heels work Hogan over in the enemy corner, including a double atomic drop. Orndorff gets an elbowdrop and stomps him down. Suplex and Piper comes back in and slugs away. Kneelift gets two. Orndorff drops an elbow for two. Backbreaker and Orndorff goes up, but misses the elbow. Hot tag T, but the heels beat him down. Orndorff wrestles him down and the heels work him over in the corner and Piper goes to a front facelock. T escapes and tags Hogan again, who delivers another knocking of noggins, but gets suplexed by Orndorff. Orton and Snuka suddenly brawl for no reason, and Orton nails Orndorff by mistake in the melee, giving Hogan the pin at 13:21. Probably the best of the night, as T didn’t look any worse than anyone else they might have picked. **1/2 This would lead to Orndorff’s face turn (and eventual heel turn) and set up T v. Piper the next year. The Bottom Line: Well, this is one of those shows that gets a free pass for historical reasons, so it’s pretty much recommended only if you’ve never seen it before, or if you enjoy historical curiosities like Buddy Rose opening the show under a mask or Matt Borne with blond hair.
The SmarK Countdown: Wrestlemania
29th February 2012 by Scott Keith
(2012 Scott sez: Welcome to the WRESTLEMANIA COUNTDOWN! Since Wrestlemania as an event has been blessed with so many re-rants from me over the years, I’ll include the redone versions in each post to speed things up. I’m also dispatching with saying “2012 Scott sez” because it takes forever to type and I’m sure you figure out that the bold italic comments are new. Unless you’re stupid, in which case I can’t help you.) The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania. – Okay, they’re here, so please stop bugging me now. Over the next month, we’re gonna cover all 15, so you might wanna pull up a pillow or something and get comfortable. (Oh, the days when there was only 15 shows to go through when doing a countdown.) – Live from New York, New York, the city so ugly they had to name it twice. Original airdate March 31, 1985. – Your hosts are Jesse and Gorilla. – Gene Okerlund sings the national anthem. Dear god… – Opening match: Tito Santana v. The Executioner. Welcome to hell, Tito, as you’re stuck in the opening match against a masked Buddy Rose before the crowd is even finished filing in. Well, things would get better later. Rose, btw, weighs all of about 200 pounds here, although he would get a huge gut the next year. Maybe he should use “Blow Away”. Standard jobber match to introduce the very-not-wrestling-fan crowd to the basics of what’s going on here tonight. Actually a reasonably decent match as Rose controls for a couple of minutes, but Tito makes the comeback with the Flying Jalapeno and figure-four for the submission. I’ve seen worse. ** – SD Jones v. King Kong Bundy. This would be the very definition of a squash. Jones jumps into a bearhug and gets Avalanched and pinned in 9 seconds to set a (bogus) speed record. DUD – Matt Borne v. Ricky Steamboat. Geez, where do you start here? Borne is a jobber at this point who would go on to become WCW’s Big Josh and from there the WWF’s original Doink the Clown. He’s reportedly been trying to commit suicide recently, which I find very sad considering how talented a wrestler he is. (I’m assuming he didn’t succeed, since we didn’t hear anything about him dying and he was fairly recently reinventing himself on the indy scene yet again.) Steamboat is fresh off jumping from the NWA here. It should be noted that Steamboat is the first one to participate in both the first Starrcade and the first Wrestlemania, although there’s two more later in this show. Good lord those ropes are loose. Steamboat pretty much squashes Borne and finishes it with the flying bodypress. It’s the Steamer, so there’s nothing to hate here. **1/4 – Brutus Beefcake v. David Sammartino. There was some sort of feud going on here, but it’s the David Flair of 1985 so who gives a shit? Sammartino was so hideously untalented that even the almighty power of nepotism couldn’t get him over. (That’s a bit harsh, as David was just saddled with expectations that he couldn’t possibly hope to meet.) Speaking of hideously untalented, Beefcake was no slouch in that department, sucking the meat missile as emphatically as anyone at the time. This is very, very old school. David works on Beefcake’s leg for a while, but Beefcake comes back with his 1985 offense. Oh, wait, this WAS 1985, so I guess it’s apropos. David comes back in turn with some rights and a kneelift. David moves sooooooo slow. Beefcake tosses David out of the ring, where Johnny V attacks. Bruno saves his son and absolutely beats the crap out of Johnny, triggering a big brawl for the double-DQ. Cheap ending. *1/2 – Intercontinental title: Greg Valentine v. Junkfood Dog. Valentine is the second person to do both Starrcade and WM. There’s one more to come. (Oo, oo! I know the answer, condescending 1999 Scott!) Valentine works on the leg a bunch and JYD actually sells it. Crowd doesn’t seem particularly interested in this one. I don’t think there was any sort of storyline going on here. (Nope.) Hart jumps up on the apron and gets punched off by JYD, allowing Greg to do the Ric Flair pin in the corner on JYD for the win. Tito Santana, humanitarian that he was, tells the referee about the malfeasance on the Hammer’s part, so the match is restarted and the departing Valentine is counted out. Bleh. 1/2* On the replay, we see Jimmy actually taking a vicious bump off the apron onto the un-padded floor. Ouch. – WWF Tag team title: Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. Volkoff does the special extended version of the Russian anthem for the big occasion. To give you an idea of the magnitude of what was about to happen here, picture the Dudley Boyz defending the tag titles against, say, The Mean Street Posse. (Or for an analogy that ISN’T totally dated…oh wait, there aren’t any tag teams left. Never mind.) As in, NO ONE gave the challengers half a chance. Hard to believe that Sheik was only a year removed from the World title at this point. (Fun fact: Speaking of tag wrestlers, the other choice for transitional champion between Backlund and Hogan was Bill “Masked Superstar / Demolition Ax” Eadie.) Barry Windham RULES IT, BABY at this point. (Really? He was good, but RULES IT, BABY is pretty strong.) Quick tags from the champs to start and the Evil Foreigners do some miscommunication to establish them as the blundering heels. Rotundo plays Ricky Morton, although really Ricky Morton hadn’t established the Ricky Morton role at this point in his career…well, whatever. (Obviously this isn’t an exact science.) Rotundo escapes the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF DOOM and makes the hot tag to Windham. Windham hits the bulldog on Volkoff but Sheik breaks up the pin, triggering a pier-six brawl. Sheik nails Windham with Freddie Blassies’s cane, and Volkoff falls on top for the pin. Quick match. Crowd is unimpressed to say the least, but they needn’t have worried because it was just a hotshot title switch and the US Express would regain the belts a few weeks later. Blah match. * – Bodyslam challenge: Big John Studd v. Andre the Giant. If Andre slams Studd, he gets $15,000. If he can’t, Andre retires. Bobby is wearing white and purple for the pre-match interview, and when we cut to ringside he’s wearing black and red. (It was a wizard.) This was set up by an ep of Saturday Night’s Main Event where Heenan’s family cut Andre’s afro off. The match is a pretty typical Studd-Giant match, namely slow and boring. In short order, Andre slams Studd and wins the match. But Vince “El Cheapo” McMahon does the Jerry Lawler booking job, as Andre pulls out a couple of handfuls of the money and throws it to the crowd before Heenan steals it back. No real match, so no rating. – WWF Ladies Title: Leilani Kai (w/ Fabulous Moolah) v. Wendi Richter (w/ Cyndi Lauper). Ah, yes, the Rock N Wrestling Connection rears its ugly head with this match. In the pre-match interview, Wendi sounds EXACTLY like Mongo MacMichael, I swear to god. Wendi is just absolutely crazy over. Pretty much a cookie-cutter women’s match, complete with hair-pulling snapmares, and Cyndi Lauper interference. Kai goes for a bodypress off the top and Richter rolls through to regain the title. This was about 1/2* – Main Event: Mr. T & Hulk Hogan v. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff. Billy Martin is the guest ring announcer, Liberace is the guest time keeper, Muhammad Ali is the guest referee. Patterson is the second ref. FIFTEEN YEARS LATER, Martin is dead, Liberace is dead, Andre is dead, Studd is dead, JYD is dead, Ali is a vegetable, Orndorff is retired, Steamboat is retired, Santana is retired, Valentine is retired, the ladies are persona non grata, Cyndi Lauper is the punchline to several 80s jokes (She actually had another comeback after I wrote this and now she’s adult contemporary cool again), Windham, Rotundo and Beefcake are considered over-the-hill, wrestling has changed irrevocably and forever…and Piper is still fighting Hogan for the World title. This is why I hate WCW so much, because no one has any sense of fucking perspective. Anyway, Liberace rings a little bell to start the match. Geez, and people were SURPRISED that this guy was gay? Piper and T start out, and Mr. T actually shows some amateur wrestling technique, which pretty much puts him one up on his partner. T with a fireman’s carry takedown on Piper, which triggers a big brawl right away. Stalling from the heels and then we’re back in as the faces beat the living snot out of Piper. Mr. T looks surprisingly not sucky here. WCW take note. Piper does a dramatic oversell of the big boot, falling out of the ring, then suckering Hogan out after him, which allows him to bash a chair over his head to take control. Ah, those were the days. Heat here is INCREDIBLE. Hogan takes the DOUBLE ATOMIC DROP OF DEATH! Hogan gets beat up for a bit, but Orndorff misses the flying kneedrop and Hogan makes the hot tag to Mr. T. Doesn’t last long as Orndorff smothers T right away. Hogan gets a semi-hot tag in short order and the requisite pier-six breaks out with Jimmy Snuka fighting Bob Orton. But Orton’s interference backfires and Orndorff gets decked with the LOADED CAST OF HIDEOUS DEATH and pinned by Hogan, with no legdrop. Hm. Well, as celebrity matches go this lay somewhere in between Jay Leno and Lawrence Taylor. **1/4 Piper and Orton abandon Orndorff to the wolves, and Hogan is nice enough to let him go in peace. This would lead to Hogan and Orndorff forming a tag team, which would lead to that team self-destructing because Hogan is a jerk. The Bottom Line: Well, it was the first Wrestlemania, what’d you expect? It didn’t get great, or particularly good, until the third one. The WM2 rant will demonstrate that more than adequately. Still, if you’ve never seen it, it’s worth a look for historical reasons. Otherwise, not recommended. The SmarK Retro Rant – Wrestlemania 1 (Director’s Cut) – Yes, it’s another redo of a rant that sucked first time around due to being 5 years ago and all. – This is from the ‘Collection’ set of Wrestlemanias released in 1997, and thus the show is complete and uncut from the original broadcast, unlike the hacked up Coliseum version that I used the first time around. Unfortunately, the actual quality of the tapes is about as low as humanly possible – recorded in EP and seemingly as fragile as Scotch tape with magnetic filings on them. I haven’t even watched this before and it’s already threatening to fall apart. (Hey kids, remember when you had to decide what speed to record on your videotapes?) – You know it’s 1985 because they loop ‘Easy Lover’ while Vince promos the upcoming matches. Mean Gene sings the Star Spangled Banner, which has to rank both with high and low points in the sport. At least it wasn’t ‘Tutti Frutti’. – Live from New York. – Your hosts are Gorilla & Jesse Ventura. – We even get the Tito Santana and Executioner pre-match promos before the opener! Executioner is OBVIOUSLY Buddy Rose given the face and voice. – Opening match: Tito Santana v. The Executioner. Criss-cross to start, and Executioner bails off a dropkick. Back in, Tito grabs a headlock and walks the ropes with it for two. As usual Gorilla reminds us that no one has ever been pinned with a headlock. I’d like to see someone get pinned from the 80s one of these days, just to hear his reaction. Executioner goes after the leg, as promised in the pre-match promo, and rams Tito into the corner a few times. Tito runs into a knee and Executioner goes for a figure-four, but Tito kicks off, so he tries a spinning toehold instead and gets rolled over by Tito for two. Tito comes back, but Executioner begs off. Tito whips him around, but Executioner backdrops out of a piledriver and goes up. Tito slams him off, but hits knee on a splash attempt. Executioner goes to work on the leg, but Tito dumps him. Tito slams him back in, Flying Jalapeno, and figure-four finishes at 4:49. Hey, this was pretty decent without all the clipping! *1/2 (Oddly enough, my original match rating was higher.) – King Kong Bundy v. SD Jones. Hey, an SD Jones Wrestlemania promo. That’s worth getting this version of the tape alone. We gonna get down, baby. Or so I hear. The promo lasts longer than the match, however. The kayfabed time is 9 seconds, the real time is 0:23, as Bundy wins with an Avalanche and a splash. I don’t know where they get 9 seconds from, in fact, as it took Jones that look just to stagger into place in the corner. (It was a wizard.) DUD The actual fastest match ever is Bret Hart beating the Mountie in 1991 at a house show, as the opening bell rang and he cradled him for the pin right away. – Matt Borne v. Ricky Steamboat. Ricky still has his NWA short tights. Criss-cross to start and Steamboat chops away, into a headlock. Borne reverses, but Steamboat flips out and goes back to it. Atomic drop and back to the headlock. Borne gets his own atomic drop and stomps away, but Steamboat comes out of the corner with chops , and back to the headlock again. Borne counters with a nice belly to belly out of the corner and follows with a regular one for two. They slug it out and Steamboat wins that battle with ease and gets a backdrop suplex. Neckbreaker and kneedrop get two. Borne comes back into a criss-cross, and Steamboat knocks him down and goes up for the flying bodypress at 4:35. Pretty much a Steamboat squash. ½* Borne was so humiliated that he didn’t return to Wrestlemania until the ninth one, as Doink the Clown. – Brutus Beefcake v. David Sammartino. David is one of the all-time sad stories of wrestling, as he was both the son of one of the greatest wrestlers ever (Bruno) but also the son of someone who would soon be on the outs with the WWF (also Bruno) and thus not only had the expectations of greatness surrounding him, but got punished for who he was. (Today of course he would just be renamed Brent Butterworth and wrestle on NXT for 18 months straight with no mention of his family history.) He was never any good to begin with, which just made it worse. They actually should have done the tag match that was featured on Coliseum Video instead of this singles match. Beefcake and Johnny V do the big stall to start. Beefcake wins a lockup (so THAT’S where Hogan stole that from!) and then dodges another try at one. PSYCHOLOGY. Okay, maybe not, but I haven’t had a lot to work with yet. (Neither have I.) David takes him down with a toehold, and they do some mat-wrestling, which allows Beefcake a chance to bail. Back in, David goes to a facelock, but Brutus makes the ropes. David goes for the arm, and Brutus slams out, but David hangs on. Brutus goes to a headlock, but David reverses to a toehold. This is all rather pedestrian, as there’s no real selling or strategy involved. David stays on the leg, but Brutus goes to the eyes to break and takes over. Backdrop and Brutus pounds away. The BODYSLAM OF DOOM sets up a devastating kick to the shoulder. Wow, what a hoss that Brutus is. I can’t believe this goof was actually a decent worker by 1990. Brutus works him over in the corner with nothing worth mentioning (except in the ironic sense), but David reverses a whip and backdrops him to come back. This match just keeps going. They slug it out and David knees him in the head and suplexes him, for two. They fight outside and never make it back in, as it turns into a big donnybrook at 11:35. Okayish if incredibly boring. * (Much like this rant.) – Intercontinental title: Greg Valentine v. Junkyard Dog. Dog psyches him out to start and goes to the arm right away. Dog slugs him down and Valentine retreats. Greg pounds him down, but misses an elbow and gets headbutted out of the ring. Back in, they do the test of strength and Hammer hammers him down. Greg goes to work on the leg with some weak stuff, but Dog shoves him off on the first figure-four attempt. They slug it out, and Dog headbutts the shit out of him. Jimmy Hart jumps up to protest, and Valentine nails him by mistake, as Hart takes a headfirst bump to the concrete floor and I believe gives himself a concussion. Greg cradles for the pin at 5:57, using the ropes for leverage. This went nowhere. ½* Tito explains the chicanery to the ref, so he restarts the match and Greg walks out, giving the win to JYD. Silly finish, but it put more heat on the Tito-Greg feud. (Can you imagine booking that kind of finish at a Wrestlemania now? That’s like a bad Smackdown finish.) – WWF tag team title: Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. Sheik headlocks Rotundo to start, but gets hiptossed and dropkicked. The US Express pinballs him in the corner and Rotundo goes back to the headlock. Windham comes off the top and legdrops Sheik low, but gets caught in the wrong corner. Heel miscommunication allows him to escape, however. Volkoff tries and gets headlocked by Windham right away, and Rotundo gets an elbow and elbowdrop for two. Windham comes in with an elbow and they work over the arm in the corner. Good tag stuff there. Rotundo meets the boot of the Sheik, however, to turn the tide. Sheik backdrops him and drops an elbow for two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. Rotundo comes back with a suplex of his own, but Volkoff stomps him down. Rotundo tries a hammerlock, but gets worked over on the ropes. He gets a sunset flip for two, but Volkoff stomps him down again. Knee to the gut and Rotundo gets worked in the heel corner, which leads to the ADOMINAL STRETCH OF DEATH by Sheik. He escapes and makes the hot tag to Windham, who dropkicks Volkoff and gets a bulldog for two. It’s BONZO GONZO, but Sheik hits Windham with Blassie’s cane and Volkoff gets the pin and the titles at 6:55. Don’t cry, the US Express would regain them a couple of weeks later. This was just to have a title change, I think. Match was your usual tag formula, but had terrific heat. ** – We take a merchandising break during the intermission. Hey, where’s the DVD? – $15000 Bodyslam Challenge: Andre the Giant v. Big John Studd. The object here is to slam your opponent, not to pin him. The bag carried by the heels is the old wrestling trick of stuffing a couple of hundred bucks in singles into a bag and calling it ‘thousands’. (Always loved Paul Heyman’s story about Jerry Lawler doing that trick in Memphis and nearly starting a riot because the fans were dumb enough to buy it.) Gorilla questions the wisdom of putting your career up against $15,000, but then Andre never was the genius type. They slug it out to start and Studd bails. Back in, Andre chokes him out to the delight of the crowd and gives him the ASS OF DOOM in the corner. Studd’s first try at a slam fails. Andre goes to a bearhug and that goes on for a while. He switches to a sleeper of sorts and starts working on the arm, then slugs Studd down. He keeps kicking the leg, and slams him at 5:51. Total drek. DUD Andre tosses the actual money in the bag out to the fans, and Heenan steals it quickly after. – Women’s title: Leilani Kai v. Wendi Richter. Fabulous Moolah cost Richter the title a few weeks prior to this to set it up. They even left ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ in as Richter’s entrance music here, which they never do for 80s video releases. Usually they overdub generic music to save a few bucks. Cyndi Lauper is managing Richter here, and Lauper is managed by David Wolfe, who is not be confused with the David Wolfe in wrestling who currently known as Slash in NWA-TNA. Not that anyone would be, but one never knows. (WTF was I going on about there? That’s not even his real name! Was Wikipedia around in 2004?) Wendi slugs her down to start and goes for the arm, unsuccessfully. She tries again and gets a hammerlock. Kai reverses and works the arm herself, then switches to the leg and chokes her down. Wendi squeezes her with a bodyscissors, and they do a HORRIBLE suplex attempt that turns into a Kai near-fall. Kai charges and hits boot in the corner, and Richter gets two. Moolah gets her shots in on Richter, and Kai gives her a big boot as a result. Richter fights back with a fireman’s carry for two. Blind charge hits knee and Kai gets two. Backbreaker gets two. She goes up and they even manage to screw up a bodypress-reversal, as Richter regains the title at 6:10. This was atrocious and embarrassing to watch at times. ¼* (Likely still better than an Alicia Fox match.) Richter would get screwed over by the WWF shortly after, as a contract was shoved in her face before what was supposed to be a squash match, and when she refused to sign the masked ‘jobber’ turned out to be Famous Moolah, (Who the fuck is Famous Moolah? Damn Word autocorrect.) who did a shoot and won the title. – Hulk Hogan & Mr. T v. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff. Special ring announcer is Billy Martin, special timekeeper is Liberace, special outside referee is Muhammed Ali, and special sauce is that stuff they put on Big Macs instead of mayo. Jimmy Snuka and Bob Orton are both hanging out at ringside, and your official ref is Pat Patterson. Hogan and Piper start, but Mr. T wants to start. Hogan, being the unselfish guy that he is, obliges. Slapfest to start and Piper goes low and takes him down, and they do a bit of mat-wrestling, with T coming out on top. T grabs him in a fireman’s carry, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Referees and seconds all get involved, and I wonder if Paul Heyman was booking back then. Piper and Orndorff decide to call it a night and take a walk, but Hogan won’t let them be counted out. So Piper saunters back in, and the faces unleash the dreaded DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER before Hogan clotheslines Piper and gives him an atomic drop. Hogan chokes away, and Mr. T comes in for a double-team. He slams both heels and Hogan pounds on Piper and boots him out of the ring. Orndorff hits him from behind and Hogan joins him out there, which allows Piper to give Hogan a little chair action. Back in, the heels work Hogan over in the enemy corner, including a double atomic drop. Orndorff gets an elbowdrop and stomps him down. Suplex and Piper comes back in and slugs away. Kneelift gets two. Orndorff drops an elbow for two. Backbreaker and Orndorff goes up, but misses the elbow. Hot tag T, but the heels beat him down. Orndorff wrestles him down and the heels work him over in the corner and Piper goes to a front facelock. T escapes and tags Hogan again, who delivers another knocking of noggins, but gets suplexed by Orndorff. Orton and Snuka suddenly brawl for no reason, and Orton nails Orndorff by mistake in the melee, giving Hogan the pin at 13:21. Probably the best of the night, as T didn’t look any worse than anyone else they might have picked. **1/2 This would lead to Orndorff’s face turn (and eventual heel turn) and set up T v. Piper the next year. The Bottom Line: Well, this is one of those shows that gets a free pass for historical reasons, so it’s pretty much recommended only if you’ve never seen it before, or if you enjoy historical curiosities like Buddy Rose opening the show under a mask or Matt Borne with blond hair.
The SmarK Countdown: Wrestlemania
29th February 2012 by Scott Keith
(2012 Scott sez: Welcome to the WRESTLEMANIA COUNTDOWN! Since Wrestlemania as an event has been blessed with so many re-rants from me over the years, I’ll include the redone versions in each post to speed things up. I’m also dispatching with saying “2012 Scott sez” because it takes forever to type and I’m sure you figure out that the bold italic comments are new. Unless you’re stupid, in which case I can’t help you.) The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania. – Okay, they’re here, so please stop bugging me now. Over the next month, we’re gonna cover all 15, so you might wanna pull up a pillow or something and get comfortable. (Oh, the days when there was only 15 shows to go through when doing a countdown.) – Live from New York, New York, the city so ugly they had to name it twice. Original airdate March 31, 1985. – Your hosts are Jesse and Gorilla. – Gene Okerlund sings the national anthem. Dear god… – Opening match: Tito Santana v. The Executioner. Welcome to hell, Tito, as you’re stuck in the opening match against a masked Buddy Rose before the crowd is even finished filing in. Well, things would get better later. Rose, btw, weighs all of about 200 pounds here, although he would get a huge gut the next year. Maybe he should use “Blow Away”. Standard jobber match to introduce the very-not-wrestling-fan crowd to the basics of what’s going on here tonight. Actually a reasonably decent match as Rose controls for a couple of minutes, but Tito makes the comeback with the Flying Jalapeno and figure-four for the submission. I’ve seen worse. ** – SD Jones v. King Kong Bundy. This would be the very definition of a squash. Jones jumps into a bearhug and gets Avalanched and pinned in 9 seconds to set a (bogus) speed record. DUD – Matt Borne v. Ricky Steamboat. Geez, where do you start here? Borne is a jobber at this point who would go on to become WCW’s Big Josh and from there the WWF’s original Doink the Clown. He’s reportedly been trying to commit suicide recently, which I find very sad considering how talented a wrestler he is. (I’m assuming he didn’t succeed, since we didn’t hear anything about him dying and he was fairly recently reinventing himself on the indy scene yet again.) Steamboat is fresh off jumping from the NWA here. It should be noted that Steamboat is the first one to participate in both the first Starrcade and the first Wrestlemania, although there’s two more later in this show. Good lord those ropes are loose. Steamboat pretty much squashes Borne and finishes it with the flying bodypress. It’s the Steamer, so there’s nothing to hate here. **1/4 – Brutus Beefcake v. David Sammartino. There was some sort of feud going on here, but it’s the David Flair of 1985 so who gives a shit? Sammartino was so hideously untalented that even the almighty power of nepotism couldn’t get him over. (That’s a bit harsh, as David was just saddled with expectations that he couldn’t possibly hope to meet.) Speaking of hideously untalented, Beefcake was no slouch in that department, sucking the meat missile as emphatically as anyone at the time. This is very, very old school. David works on Beefcake’s leg for a while, but Beefcake comes back with his 1985 offense. Oh, wait, this WAS 1985, so I guess it’s apropos. David comes back in turn with some rights and a kneelift. David moves sooooooo slow. Beefcake tosses David out of the ring, where Johnny V attacks. Bruno saves his son and absolutely beats the crap out of Johnny, triggering a big brawl for the double-DQ. Cheap ending. *1/2 – Intercontinental title: Greg Valentine v. Junkfood Dog. Valentine is the second person to do both Starrcade and WM. There’s one more to come. (Oo, oo! I know the answer, condescending 1999 Scott!) Valentine works on the leg a bunch and JYD actually sells it. Crowd doesn’t seem particularly interested in this one. I don’t think there was any sort of storyline going on here. (Nope.) Hart jumps up on the apron and gets punched off by JYD, allowing Greg to do the Ric Flair pin in the corner on JYD for the win. Tito Santana, humanitarian that he was, tells the referee about the malfeasance on the Hammer’s part, so the match is restarted and the departing Valentine is counted out. Bleh. 1/2* On the replay, we see Jimmy actually taking a vicious bump off the apron onto the un-padded floor. Ouch. – WWF Tag team title: Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. Volkoff does the special extended version of the Russian anthem for the big occasion. To give you an idea of the magnitude of what was about to happen here, picture the Dudley Boyz defending the tag titles against, say, The Mean Street Posse. (Or for an analogy that ISN’T totally dated…oh wait, there aren’t any tag teams left. Never mind.) As in, NO ONE gave the challengers half a chance. Hard to believe that Sheik was only a year removed from the World title at this point. (Fun fact: Speaking of tag wrestlers, the other choice for transitional champion between Backlund and Hogan was Bill “Masked Superstar / Demolition Ax” Eadie.) Barry Windham RULES IT, BABY at this point. (Really? He was good, but RULES IT, BABY is pretty strong.) Quick tags from the champs to start and the Evil Foreigners do some miscommunication to establish them as the blundering heels. Rotundo plays Ricky Morton, although really Ricky Morton hadn’t established the Ricky Morton role at this point in his career…well, whatever. (Obviously this isn’t an exact science.) Rotundo escapes the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF DOOM and makes the hot tag to Windham. Windham hits the bulldog on Volkoff but Sheik breaks up the pin, triggering a pier-six brawl. Sheik nails Windham with Freddie Blassies’s cane, and Volkoff falls on top for the pin. Quick match. Crowd is unimpressed to say the least, but they needn’t have worried because it was just a hotshot title switch and the US Express would regain the belts a few weeks later. Blah match. * – Bodyslam challenge: Big John Studd v. Andre the Giant. If Andre slams Studd, he gets $15,000. If he can’t, Andre retires. Bobby is wearing white and purple for the pre-match interview, and when we cut to ringside he’s wearing black and red. (It was a wizard.) This was set up by an ep of Saturday Night’s Main Event where Heenan’s family cut Andre’s afro off. The match is a pretty typical Studd-Giant match, namely slow and boring. In short order, Andre slams Studd and wins the match. But Vince “El Cheapo” McMahon does the Jerry Lawler booking job, as Andre pulls out a couple of handfuls of the money and throws it to the crowd before Heenan steals it back. No real match, so no rating. – WWF Ladies Title: Leilani Kai (w/ Fabulous Moolah) v. Wendi Richter (w/ Cyndi Lauper). Ah, yes, the Rock N Wrestling Connection rears its ugly head with this match. In the pre-match interview, Wendi sounds EXACTLY like Mongo MacMichael, I swear to god. Wendi is just absolutely crazy over. Pretty much a cookie-cutter women’s match, complete with hair-pulling snapmares, and Cyndi Lauper interference. Kai goes for a bodypress off the top and Richter rolls through to regain the title. This was about 1/2* – Main Event: Mr. T & Hulk Hogan v. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff. Billy Martin is the guest ring announcer, Liberace is the guest time keeper, Muhammad Ali is the guest referee. Patterson is the second ref. FIFTEEN YEARS LATER, Martin is dead, Liberace is dead, Andre is dead, Studd is dead, JYD is dead, Ali is a vegetable, Orndorff is retired, Steamboat is retired, Santana is retired, Valentine is retired, the ladies are persona non grata, Cyndi Lauper is the punchline to several 80s jokes (She actually had another comeback after I wrote this and now she’s adult contemporary cool again), Windham, Rotundo and Beefcake are considered over-the-hill, wrestling has changed irrevocably and forever…and Piper is still fighting Hogan for the World title. This is why I hate WCW so much, because no one has any sense of fucking perspective. Anyway, Liberace rings a little bell to start the match. Geez, and people were SURPRISED that this guy was gay? Piper and T start out, and Mr. T actually shows some amateur wrestling technique, which pretty much puts him one up on his partner. T with a fireman’s carry takedown on Piper, which triggers a big brawl right away. Stalling from the heels and then we’re back in as the faces beat the living snot out of Piper. Mr. T looks surprisingly not sucky here. WCW take note. Piper does a dramatic oversell of the big boot, falling out of the ring, then suckering Hogan out after him, which allows him to bash a chair over his head to take control. Ah, those were the days. Heat here is INCREDIBLE. Hogan takes the DOUBLE ATOMIC DROP OF DEATH! Hogan gets beat up for a bit, but Orndorff misses the flying kneedrop and Hogan makes the hot tag to Mr. T. Doesn’t last long as Orndorff smothers T right away. Hogan gets a semi-hot tag in short order and the requisite pier-six breaks out with Jimmy Snuka fighting Bob Orton. But Orton’s interference backfires and Orndorff gets decked with the LOADED CAST OF HIDEOUS DEATH and pinned by Hogan, with no legdrop. Hm. Well, as celebrity matches go this lay somewhere in between Jay Leno and Lawrence Taylor. **1/4 Piper and Orton abandon Orndorff to the wolves, and Hogan is nice enough to let him go in peace. This would lead to Hogan and Orndorff forming a tag team, which would lead to that team self-destructing because Hogan is a jerk. The Bottom Line: Well, it was the first Wrestlemania, what’d you expect? It didn’t get great, or particularly good, until the third one. The WM2 rant will demonstrate that more than adequately. Still, if you’ve never seen it, it’s worth a look for historical reasons. Otherwise, not recommended. The SmarK Retro Rant – Wrestlemania 1 (Director’s Cut) – Yes, it’s another redo of a rant that sucked first time around due to being 5 years ago and all. – This is from the ‘Collection’ set of Wrestlemanias released in 1997, and thus the show is complete and uncut from the original broadcast, unlike the hacked up Coliseum version that I used the first time around. Unfortunately, the actual quality of the tapes is about as low as humanly possible – recorded in EP and seemingly as fragile as Scotch tape with magnetic filings on them. I haven’t even watched this before and it’s already threatening to fall apart. (Hey kids, remember when you had to decide what speed to record on your videotapes?) – You know it’s 1985 because they loop ‘Easy Lover’ while Vince promos the upcoming matches. Mean Gene sings the Star Spangled Banner, which has to rank both with high and low points in the sport. At least it wasn’t ‘Tutti Frutti’. – Live from New York. – Your hosts are Gorilla & Jesse Ventura. – We even get the Tito Santana and Executioner pre-match promos before the opener! Executioner is OBVIOUSLY Buddy Rose given the face and voice. – Opening match: Tito Santana v. The Executioner. Criss-cross to start, and Executioner bails off a dropkick. Back in, Tito grabs a headlock and walks the ropes with it for two. As usual Gorilla reminds us that no one has ever been pinned with a headlock. I’d like to see someone get pinned from the 80s one of these days, just to hear his reaction. Executioner goes after the leg, as promised in the pre-match promo, and rams Tito into the corner a few times. Tito runs into a knee and Executioner goes for a figure-four, but Tito kicks off, so he tries a spinning toehold instead and gets rolled over by Tito for two. Tito comes back, but Executioner begs off. Tito whips him around, but Executioner backdrops out of a piledriver and goes up. Tito slams him off, but hits knee on a splash attempt. Executioner goes to work on the leg, but Tito dumps him. Tito slams him back in, Flying Jalapeno, and figure-four finishes at 4:49. Hey, this was pretty decent without all the clipping! *1/2 (Oddly enough, my original match rating was higher.) – King Kong Bundy v. SD Jones. Hey, an SD Jones Wrestlemania promo. That’s worth getting this version of the tape alone. We gonna get down, baby. Or so I hear. The promo lasts longer than the match, however. The kayfabed time is 9 seconds, the real time is 0:23, as Bundy wins with an Avalanche and a splash. I don’t know where they get 9 seconds from, in fact, as it took Jones that look just to stagger into place in the corner. (It was a wizard.) DUD The actual fastest match ever is Bret Hart beating the Mountie in 1991 at a house show, as the opening bell rang and he cradled him for the pin right away. – Matt Borne v. Ricky Steamboat. Ricky still has his NWA short tights. Criss-cross to start and Steamboat chops away, into a headlock. Borne reverses, but Steamboat flips out and goes back to it. Atomic drop and back to the headlock. Borne gets his own atomic drop and stomps away, but Steamboat comes out of the corner with chops , and back to the headlock again. Borne counters with a nice belly to belly out of the corner and follows with a regular one for two. They slug it out and Steamboat wins that battle with ease and gets a backdrop suplex. Neckbreaker and kneedrop get two. Borne comes back into a criss-cross, and Steamboat knocks him down and goes up for the flying bodypress at 4:35. Pretty much a Steamboat squash. ½* Borne was so humiliated that he didn’t return to Wrestlemania until the ninth one, as Doink the Clown. – Brutus Beefcake v. David Sammartino. David is one of the all-time sad stories of wrestling, as he was both the son of one of the greatest wrestlers ever (Bruno) but also the son of someone who would soon be on the outs with the WWF (also Bruno) and thus not only had the expectations of greatness surrounding him, but got punished for who he was. (Today of course he would just be renamed Brent Butterworth and wrestle on NXT for 18 months straight with no mention of his family history.) He was never any good to begin with, which just made it worse. They actually should have done the tag match that was featured on Coliseum Video instead of this singles match. Beefcake and Johnny V do the big stall to start. Beefcake wins a lockup (so THAT’S where Hogan stole that from!) and then dodges another try at one. PSYCHOLOGY. Okay, maybe not, but I haven’t had a lot to work with yet. (Neither have I.) David takes him down with a toehold, and they do some mat-wrestling, which allows Beefcake a chance to bail. Back in, David goes to a facelock, but Brutus makes the ropes. David goes for the arm, and Brutus slams out, but David hangs on. Brutus goes to a headlock, but David reverses to a toehold. This is all rather pedestrian, as there’s no real selling or strategy involved. David stays on the leg, but Brutus goes to the eyes to break and takes over. Backdrop and Brutus pounds away. The BODYSLAM OF DOOM sets up a devastating kick to the shoulder. Wow, what a hoss that Brutus is. I can’t believe this goof was actually a decent worker by 1990. Brutus works him over in the corner with nothing worth mentioning (except in the ironic sense), but David reverses a whip and backdrops him to come back. This match just keeps going. They slug it out and David knees him in the head and suplexes him, for two. They fight outside and never make it back in, as it turns into a big donnybrook at 11:35. Okayish if incredibly boring. * (Much like this rant.) – Intercontinental title: Greg Valentine v. Junkyard Dog. Dog psyches him out to start and goes to the arm right away. Dog slugs him down and Valentine retreats. Greg pounds him down, but misses an elbow and gets headbutted out of the ring. Back in, they do the test of strength and Hammer hammers him down. Greg goes to work on the leg with some weak stuff, but Dog shoves him off on the first figure-four attempt. They slug it out, and Dog headbutts the shit out of him. Jimmy Hart jumps up to protest, and Valentine nails him by mistake, as Hart takes a headfirst bump to the concrete floor and I believe gives himself a concussion. Greg cradles for the pin at 5:57, using the ropes for leverage. This went nowhere. ½* Tito explains the chicanery to the ref, so he restarts the match and Greg walks out, giving the win to JYD. Silly finish, but it put more heat on the Tito-Greg feud. (Can you imagine booking that kind of finish at a Wrestlemania now? That’s like a bad Smackdown finish.) – WWF tag team title: Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. Sheik headlocks Rotundo to start, but gets hiptossed and dropkicked. The US Express pinballs him in the corner and Rotundo goes back to the headlock. Windham comes off the top and legdrops Sheik low, but gets caught in the wrong corner. Heel miscommunication allows him to escape, however. Volkoff tries and gets headlocked by Windham right away, and Rotundo gets an elbow and elbowdrop for two. Windham comes in with an elbow and they work over the arm in the corner. Good tag stuff there. Rotundo meets the boot of the Sheik, however, to turn the tide. Sheik backdrops him and drops an elbow for two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. Rotundo comes back with a suplex of his own, but Volkoff stomps him down. Rotundo tries a hammerlock, but gets worked over on the ropes. He gets a sunset flip for two, but Volkoff stomps him down again. Knee to the gut and Rotundo gets worked in the heel corner, which leads to the ADOMINAL STRETCH OF DEATH by Sheik. He escapes and makes the hot tag to Windham, who dropkicks Volkoff and gets a bulldog for two. It’s BONZO GONZO, but Sheik hits Windham with Blassie’s cane and Volkoff gets the pin and the titles at 6:55. Don’t cry, the US Express would regain them a couple of weeks later. This was just to have a title change, I think. Match was your usual tag formula, but had terrific heat. ** – We take a merchandising break during the intermission. Hey, where’s the DVD? – $15000 Bodyslam Challenge: Andre the Giant v. Big John Studd. The object here is to slam your opponent, not to pin him. The bag carried by the heels is the old wrestling trick of stuffing a couple of hundred bucks in singles into a bag and calling it ‘thousands’. (Always loved Paul Heyman’s story about Jerry Lawler doing that trick in Memphis and nearly starting a riot because the fans were dumb enough to buy it.) Gorilla questions the wisdom of putting your career up against $15,000, but then Andre never was the genius type. They slug it out to start and Studd bails. Back in, Andre chokes him out to the delight of the crowd and gives him the ASS OF DOOM in the corner. Studd’s first try at a slam fails. Andre goes to a bearhug and that goes on for a while. He switches to a sleeper of sorts and starts working on the arm, then slugs Studd down. He keeps kicking the leg, and slams him at 5:51. Total drek. DUD Andre tosses the actual money in the bag out to the fans, and Heenan steals it quickly after. – Women’s title: Leilani Kai v. Wendi Richter. Fabulous Moolah cost Richter the title a few weeks prior to this to set it up. They even left ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ in as Richter’s entrance music here, which they never do for 80s video releases. Usually they overdub generic music to save a few bucks. Cyndi Lauper is managing Richter here, and Lauper is managed by David Wolfe, who is not be confused with the David Wolfe in wrestling who currently known as Slash in NWA-TNA. Not that anyone would be, but one never knows. (WTF was I going on about there? That’s not even his real name! Was Wikipedia around in 2004?) Wendi slugs her down to start and goes for the arm, unsuccessfully. She tries again and gets a hammerlock. Kai reverses and works the arm herself, then switches to the leg and chokes her down. Wendi squeezes her with a bodyscissors, and they do a HORRIBLE suplex attempt that turns into a Kai near-fall. Kai charges and hits boot in the corner, and Richter gets two. Moolah gets her shots in on Richter, and Kai gives her a big boot as a result. Richter fights back with a fireman’s carry for two. Blind charge hits knee and Kai gets two. Backbreaker gets two. She goes up and they even manage to screw up a bodypress-reversal, as Richter regains the title at 6:10. This was atrocious and embarrassing to watch at times. ¼* (Likely still better than an Alicia Fox match.) Richter would get screwed over by the WWF shortly after, as a contract was shoved in her face before what was supposed to be a squash match, and when she refused to sign the masked ‘jobber’ turned out to be Famous Moolah, (Who the fuck is Famous Moolah? Damn Word autocorrect.) who did a shoot and won the title. – Hulk Hogan & Mr. T v. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff. Special ring announcer is Billy Martin, special timekeeper is Liberace, special outside referee is Muhammed Ali, and special sauce is that stuff they put on Big Macs instead of mayo. Jimmy Snuka and Bob Orton are both hanging out at ringside, and your official ref is Pat Patterson. Hogan and Piper start, but Mr. T wants to start. Hogan, being the unselfish guy that he is, obliges. Slapfest to start and Piper goes low and takes him down, and they do a bit of mat-wrestling, with T coming out on top. T grabs him in a fireman’s carry, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Referees and seconds all get involved, and I wonder if Paul Heyman was booking back then. Piper and Orndorff decide to call it a night and take a walk, but Hogan won’t let them be counted out. So Piper saunters back in, and the faces unleash the dreaded DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER before Hogan clotheslines Piper and gives him an atomic drop. Hogan chokes away, and Mr. T comes in for a double-team. He slams both heels and Hogan pounds on Piper and boots him out of the ring. Orndorff hits him from behind and Hogan joins him out there, which allows Piper to give Hogan a little chair action. Back in, the heels work Hogan over in the enemy corner, including a double atomic drop. Orndorff gets an elbowdrop and stomps him down. Suplex and Piper comes back in and slugs away. Kneelift gets two. Orndorff drops an elbow for two. Backbreaker and Orndorff goes up, but misses the elbow. Hot tag T, but the heels beat him down. Orndorff wrestles him down and the heels work him over in the corner and Piper goes to a front facelock. T escapes and tags Hogan again, who delivers another knocking of noggins, but gets suplexed by Orndorff. Orton and Snuka suddenly brawl for no reason, and Orton nails Orndorff by mistake in the melee, giving Hogan the pin at 13:21. Probably the best of the night, as T didn’t look any worse than anyone else they might have picked. **1/2 This would lead to Orndorff’s face turn (and eventual heel turn) and set up T v. Piper the next year. The Bottom Line: Well, this is one of those shows that gets a free pass for historical reasons, so it’s pretty much recommended only if you’ve never seen it before, or if you enjoy historical curiosities like Buddy Rose opening the show under a mask or Matt Borne with blond hair.
Wrestlemania Questions
29th February 2012 by Scott Keith
Hey Scott. Some thoughts, and some questions.
1)Everyone is bitching about The Rock being on the card at WrestleMania. This
is because they view him as an old wrestler coming back and taking a spot. But
really The Rock is more of a celebrity than a former wrestler. I actually look
at this more along the lines of Mayweather’s WrestleMania match, than having
say Jimmy Snuka (Tamina is his daughter) return for a high-profile match this
year.
Yeah, but Rock’s doing another couple of matches over the next year, so it’s hard to classify him as a celebrity, exactly. Still, the people bitching are clearly wrong.
2)Do you think this will be Undertaker’s last year? Reaching 20-0 is an
achievement no one will ever come close to, but they will probably try and
milk The Streak till he’s dead.
I’m sure that as long as Undertaker can go a year between matches to rest up, he’ll be fine for a while.
3)Vince has always really only cared about the Main Event. However, I still
think they should have given more(any) time to building matches for Swagger,
Miz, Kingston, Kane, Henry(?). Actually we don’t even know if those guys are
ON the card this year! Do you agree, or think they only need to concentrate on
the main events?
They only need to concentrate on the main events. That’s the reason why people are buying the show. They’ve got 11 other PPVs to worry about Kofi Kingston. As long as the top three matches deliver, the rest of the undercard can be dogshit and people will come away happy.
4)Last year Miz and Del Rio were fighting for World Titles, this year we don’t
even know if they’re on the card. Do you consider this a problem, and if so is
it their fault or the “Creative Team” or both?
With Miz it’s pretty clearly his own fault in a lot of ways. Del Rio is injured so it’s hard to really assign fault to that one, but it’s clear that he wasn’t going to be in the title picture much longer anyway. His character clearly had a shelf life at that level and it’s passed.
Wrestlemania Questions
29th February 2012 by Scott Keith
Hey Scott. Some thoughts, and some questions.
1)Everyone is bitching about The Rock being on the card at WrestleMania. This
is because they view him as an old wrestler coming back and taking a spot. But
really The Rock is more of a celebrity than a former wrestler. I actually look
at this more along the lines of Mayweather’s WrestleMania match, than having
say Jimmy Snuka (Tamina is his daughter) return for a high-profile match this
year.
Yeah, but Rock’s doing another couple of matches over the next year, so it’s hard to classify him as a celebrity, exactly. Still, the people bitching are clearly wrong.
2)Do you think this will be Undertaker’s last year? Reaching 20-0 is an
achievement no one will ever come close to, but they will probably try and
milk The Streak till he’s dead.
I’m sure that as long as Undertaker can go a year between matches to rest up, he’ll be fine for a while.
3)Vince has always really only cared about the Main Event. However, I still
think they should have given more(any) time to building matches for Swagger,
Miz, Kingston, Kane, Henry(?). Actually we don’t even know if those guys are
ON the card this year! Do you agree, or think they only need to concentrate on
the main events?
They only need to concentrate on the main events. That’s the reason why people are buying the show. They’ve got 11 other PPVs to worry about Kofi Kingston. As long as the top three matches deliver, the rest of the undercard can be dogshit and people will come away happy.
4)Last year Miz and Del Rio were fighting for World Titles, this year we don’t
even know if they’re on the card. Do you consider this a problem, and if so is
it their fault or the “Creative Team” or both?
With Miz it’s pretty clearly his own fault in a lot of ways. Del Rio is injured so it’s hard to really assign fault to that one, but it’s clear that he wasn’t going to be in the title picture much longer anyway. His character clearly had a shelf life at that level and it’s passed.
Wrestlemania Questions
29th February 2012 by Scott Keith
Hey Scott. Some thoughts, and some questions.
1)Everyone is bitching about The Rock being on the card at WrestleMania. This
is because they view him as an old wrestler coming back and taking a spot. But
really The Rock is more of a celebrity than a former wrestler. I actually look
at this more along the lines of Mayweather’s WrestleMania match, than having
say Jimmy Snuka (Tamina is his daughter) return for a high-profile match this
year.
Yeah, but Rock’s doing another couple of matches over the next year, so it’s hard to classify him as a celebrity, exactly. Still, the people bitching are clearly wrong.
2)Do you think this will be Undertaker’s last year? Reaching 20-0 is an
achievement no one will ever come close to, but they will probably try and
milk The Streak till he’s dead.
I’m sure that as long as Undertaker can go a year between matches to rest up, he’ll be fine for a while.
3)Vince has always really only cared about the Main Event. However, I still
think they should have given more(any) time to building matches for Swagger,
Miz, Kingston, Kane, Henry(?). Actually we don’t even know if those guys are
ON the card this year! Do you agree, or think they only need to concentrate on
the main events?
They only need to concentrate on the main events. That’s the reason why people are buying the show. They’ve got 11 other PPVs to worry about Kofi Kingston. As long as the top three matches deliver, the rest of the undercard can be dogshit and people will come away happy.
4)Last year Miz and Del Rio were fighting for World Titles, this year we don’t
even know if they’re on the card. Do you consider this a problem, and if so is
it their fault or the “Creative Team” or both?
With Miz it’s pretty clearly his own fault in a lot of ways. Del Rio is injured so it’s hard to really assign fault to that one, but it’s clear that he wasn’t going to be in the title picture much longer anyway. His character clearly had a shelf life at that level and it’s passed.
Wrestlemania Questions
29th February 2012 by Scott Keith
Hey Scott. Some thoughts, and some questions.
1)Everyone is bitching about The Rock being on the card at WrestleMania. This
is because they view him as an old wrestler coming back and taking a spot. But
really The Rock is more of a celebrity than a former wrestler. I actually look
at this more along the lines of Mayweather’s WrestleMania match, than having
say Jimmy Snuka (Tamina is his daughter) return for a high-profile match this
year.
Yeah, but Rock’s doing another couple of matches over the next year, so it’s hard to classify him as a celebrity, exactly. Still, the people bitching are clearly wrong.
2)Do you think this will be Undertaker’s last year? Reaching 20-0 is an
achievement no one will ever come close to, but they will probably try and
milk The Streak till he’s dead.
I’m sure that as long as Undertaker can go a year between matches to rest up, he’ll be fine for a while.
3)Vince has always really only cared about the Main Event. However, I still
think they should have given more(any) time to building matches for Swagger,
Miz, Kingston, Kane, Henry(?). Actually we don’t even know if those guys are
ON the card this year! Do you agree, or think they only need to concentrate on
the main events?
They only need to concentrate on the main events. That’s the reason why people are buying the show. They’ve got 11 other PPVs to worry about Kofi Kingston. As long as the top three matches deliver, the rest of the undercard can be dogshit and people will come away happy.
4)Last year Miz and Del Rio were fighting for World Titles, this year we don’t
even know if they’re on the card. Do you consider this a problem, and if so is
it their fault or the “Creative Team” or both?
With Miz it’s pretty clearly his own fault in a lot of ways. Del Rio is injured so it’s hard to really assign fault to that one, but it’s clear that he wasn’t going to be in the title picture much longer anyway. His character clearly had a shelf life at that level and it’s passed.