The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania IX – Live from Las Vegas, Nevada. Original airdate: April 4, 1993 – Your hosts are Jim Ross, Bobby Heenan and Randy Savage. This was JR’s debut. Wearing a toga. – This was also my first review on the internet, ever. I was in an anti-WWF place at that time, so it was pretty negative, IIRC. But then the “review” was only about 12 lines long, so it all evens out.– Opening match, Intercontinental title: Shawn Michaels v. T-t-t-t-t-tanka. Shawn has Luna Vachon with him, in her debut. Sherri follows Tatanka, dressed like an indian princess. Poke-her-hontas? Shawn admires himself in the belt before we get underway. The Caesar’s Palace idea was neat, it makes for great atmosphere. Shawn bumps like a motherfucker, getting armdragged off the top rope and then doing a Flair flip and falling off to the floor. A greco-roman thumb to the eye leads to a botched sunset flip off the top for two. But Tatanka comes back with a devastating move #919 (ARM-bar) to slow down the momentum. Shawn takes a MAN-SIZED charge to the post, setting up move #193 (arm-BAR). (Yes, this was written in 1999, how can you tell?) Shoulderbreaker and big elbow gets two, but Tatanka eats superkick coming off the top rope to swing the pendulum back to the commish. Nice running clothesline off the apron by Shawn. It should be noted that this is years before Luna had her breasts augmented. It should also be noted that her deadbeat husband Dave Heath (currently known as Gangrel) would win the PWI Rookie of the Year award as Vampire Warrior this year. (Said it before, say it again, Vince missed the boat on sexy and/or sparkly vampires in recent years.) More resting. Shawn must be stoned — he botches a victory roll. But Tatanka is the Pissed Off Racial Stereotype. Chop, chop, chop, bodypress for two. Catapult to the post yields two. Shawn is bumping like a MAN. Shawn escapes the Papoose to Go with a rollup for two. He goes to the top but gets caught with a powerslam for two. Shawn is the king of bumps, and he’s single-handedly carrying this thing. He misses another apron clothesline and lands on the stairs face-first. Shawn takes out his frustrations on Joey Marella, and Tatanka hits the fallaway slam, but Marella won’t count because Shawn was counted out or something. Bad ending, okay match. Probably the best we could have hoped for out of this show. **1/2 Six years later, Shawn is retired, Tatanka might as well be, and the referee is dead. – Mean Gene interviews the Steiner Brothers, in happier days. – The Headshrinkers v. The Steiner Brothers. The very first JR broadcast, and he works in “Slobberknocker” and “smash-mouth” LESS THAN A MINUTE IN. I bet he’ll start reeling off the football references any minute now. Steiner gets double-teamed very quickly. The Steiners retaliate with a double Steiner-line off the top rope. JR must be creaming in his toga. Scott dominates Samu, but gets dumped right over the top and takes a MAN-SIZED bump to the floor in what looked to be intended as a stungun. JR notes that this is probably what the action in the Roman coliseums was like. I don’t recall the Christians putting the lions in a chinlock and whispering “Roar and then bite my leg off and I’ll bleed to death”, but I’ll take his word for it. (Although I’m a harsh critic of my own stuff, that’s my favorite joke that I’ve written.) Scott plays Ricky Morton and the ‘Shrinkers punch and kick a lot. This match is getting entirely too much airtime for the non-workrate. Rick gets the hot tag but makes the mistake of ramming the Samoans’ heads together. He’s very dumb, you see. In an awesome spot, the heels go for a Doomsday Device and Rick catches and powerslams Samu in mid-air! Scott tags in again and finishes it with the Frankensteiner in short order. At this point it was getting scary watching Scott do the rana. *1/2 – Crush v. Doink the Clown. This is a pretty infamous match. Doink the psychotic clown was always a very cool gimmick. Crush attacks Doink before the bell, sportsman that he is. There’s TOO MANY BRIGHT COLORS HERE. Crush is decked out in neon yellow, orange and purple. Doink has red, blue and yellow, with green hair. This is going to wreck my TV screen. (Luckily I haven’t had a tube TV in about 8 years, so any TV screens should be safe from harm now.) Meanwhile, the match sucks the meat missile. Crush goes for the Kona Kompactor, but the ref gets bumped and Doink rolls out and tries to crawl under the ring. Crush throws him back in and applies the Kompactor, but Doink II comes from under the ring and decks Crush with a prosthetic arm, and a beatdown results. Doink I gets the pin when the ref wakes up. A supremely bad idea. -** – Razor Ramon v. Bob Backlund. Ramon was a few weeks away from his face turn (and the accompanying debut of the 1-2-3 Kid) while Backlund was a year and a half away from reclaiming the WWF title. Big “Razor” chant for the supposed heel Ramon. Pretty much a Ramon squash, although Backlund gets his 70s offense in, including the ATOMIC DROP OF DEATH! Ramon gets an inside cradle out of nowhere for the pin about three seconds later for the pin. After the match, Ramon does the “Me-me-me-me-YEAH” thing, actually saying “me me me me me” while doing it. * (Mr. Bob Backlund would likely have an issue with Scott Hall’s lifestyle choices) – WWF tag title match: Money, Inc. v. Hulk Hogan & Brutus Beefcake. I could have lived with Hogan and Beefcake as tag champs, honest I could. If only he had settled for that much. Hogan is sporting a black eye, Money Inc takes credit for it by saying they hired goons to beat him up the night before. (“Who is it?” “Hired goons.” “Hired goons?”) Hogan gets a decidedly lukewarm reaction. He’s looking like Kidman here — no muscle definition at all. It should be noted that everyone in this match went on to join the nWo at various points. In fact, there’s a very nWo-ish theme running through the show, with future nWo members in just about every match. The deterioration of Beefcake had begun in earnest at this point. Dibiase plays the heel in peril, as the Egomaniacs pummel the champions at will. Finally the champs simply walk, and Earl Hebner does the old “If they don’t get in by 10, they lose the titles” bit. (I wonder if Hogan’s sex tape features him threatening to walk out before the chick orgasms, until a referee comes in and gives him until the count of 10 to finish the job? Or else he’ll LOSE the titties!) So they make it back in and go to work on Hogan with the usual cheap heel tactics. Dibiase slaps the Million Dollar Dream on Hogan, which Hogan sells as if it were a chinlock, thus killing the move for Dibiase. Savage: “The people are hanging from the rafters…although this Roman coliseum doesn’t have rafters…but it has columns, and people are hanging from them.” You just don’t get insightful commentary like that today. (Well unless it’s Booker T.) The referee is distracted by IRS, and Beefcake puts his shitty sleeper on Dibiase, which of course knocks him into a coma after three seconds. Double knockout, but Hogan revives first. Hogan hot tags Beefer and punches away, sadly showing more moves than HHH does in an average match today. Dibiase nails Beefcake with the suitcase, and now Beefcake is (broken) face in peril again. God, this match is right out of 1988. No wonder Hogan got turfed out of the WWF. Dibiase pulls off the protective mask worn by Beefcake…and it’s Rey Mysterio Jr! No, just kidding, it’s still Beefcake. This match is way long. Beefcake with the sleeper on IRS, and the ref gets bumped. Hogan gets the hot tag and the ref is still out. Big boot and both Money Inc members get nailed with the PROTECTIVE MASK OF DOOM, but the ref is still out. Jimmy Hart comes in and counts the pin himself. But Danny Davis runs in and disqualifies the challengers for hitting Money Inc with the mask. (Curse you, Danny Davis! I thought you were suspended FOR LIFE!) This was setting off alarm bells in my head while watching the show live way back when, because it occurred to me that Hogan never settled for losing on a Wrestlemania without gaining face somehow. If only I knew… 1/4* – Toad Pedophile finds Natalie Cole at ringside. And the owner of Caesar’s Palace, who yaks about whatever. – Mr. Perfect v. The Narcissist. Speaking of egomaniacs. More nWo influence, as both guys went on to join. Luger brings some choice T&A to the ring with him to hold up his mirrors. The Narcissist gimmick was perfectly suited to Luger, much better than the stupid Hogan-warmed-over face turn he did. (You know what they say about the best gimmicks…) He start with an exchange of headlocks and wristlocks that go nowhere. Hennig kicks away at Luger’s knee and chops him so hard that it echoes through Caesar’s Palace. Hennig takes a nice bump into the corner, but nothing up to his usual Shawn-like standards. Luger goes to work on the back with the LOADED FOREARM OF DOOM. Kicking and punching abounds. Luger gets two with the Flair pinning-attempt-in-the-corner. Hennig with a sunset flip and a sleeper to cue the comeback. Small package for two. Cross-corner whip and slingshot to the post gets two. I think Hennig worked that slingshot into his repertoire out of spite for his loss to Jerry Lawler in 1988. (And now Dolph Ziggler does it as a tribute to Hennig. Weird how things work out.) They fight over a backslide and Luger gets it for the pin, despite Hennig having both legs in the second rope. Luger gives him the LOADED FOREARM OF DOOM for good measure, knocking him out. Hennig chases Luger to the back and is attacked by Shawn Michaels, signalling the start of their feud. * – Giant Gonzalez v. The Undertaker. Undertaker has a vulture with him. That’s about the most interesting thing here. A truly wretched match, topped only by their Summerslam 93 rematch. Gonzalez “sells” like he’s being poked with Scott Hall’s tazer gun, and moves like he’s got a pole shoved up his ass. (Someone claiming to be Giant Gonzalez keeps trying to add me on Facebook. I don’t know if it’s a gimmick or what.) After 18 hours of excruciating non-action, the Giant gets a chloroform-soaked rag and smothers Undertaker into unconsciousness, drawing the DQ. -*** – Mean Gene interviews Hulk Hogan before the main event, another bad sign. – WWF title match: Bret Hart v. Yokozuna. All of what followed never should have happened. 1993 was a dismal failure with Hogan and Yokozuna as champions. Vince should have just had faith in Bret to begin with and allowed him to keep the title, but no, it was not to be. Bret wrestles a smart match, luring Yoko near the ropes from the outside and then tripping him on the bottom rope. He slingshots in with a diving headbutt and goes with the elbow on the second rope. Goes downhill from there, as Yoko takes over with a shoulderblock and the usual crappy Yoko offense. Yoko eats boot on a cross-corner charge and Bret gets two. Superkick turns the tide again. More deadly nerve pinching. Cross-corner charge misses again, and Hart with the bulldog for two. FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! Bret yanks the turnbuckle pad off, and rams Yoko’s head into it, then applies the Sharpshooter. The devious Mr. Fuji chooses that moment to toss a huge pile of salt into Bret’s eyes (some of which lands on Hebner) and Yoko rolls up Bret for the title. *1/2 – Hulk Hogan comes in to protest, and instead of getting the ref to reverse the decision like any other babyface, he takes a title match with Yokozuna right there. As if anyone would be stupid enough to put the title on the line right away. (Maybe Hogan had won the Money In The Bank ladder match on Superstars the week before?) Then to add insult to insult, it’s a joke “match” as Fuji tosses salt in Yoko’s face by accident and Hogan hits the legdrop for the pin and his last WWF title. (Well, not QUITE last as such…) See Nash, Kevin. The crowd is less than enthralled with this decision. Why couldn’t they just do Hart v. Hogan? (He’s not in my league, brother!) The Bottom Line: This Wrestlemania bombed big-time, as Hogan’s WWF marketability was shot down once and for all. Despite having all the booking suddenly centered around him again, Hogan proceeded to take two months off to enjoy his new title. This was the last straw in the eyes of Vince McMahon, who had two perfectly good champions in Yokozuna & Bret Hart simply going to waste on the sidelines, and so at King of the Ring, Hogan was beaten and humiliated by Yokozuna in his last WWF match, and in the final insult, was pinned with his own finisher, the legdrop. The message was clear: The Hogan era is over, and no more prima donnas need apply. Ironically, Bret Hart would see that advice come back to haunt him 4 years later. But that’s another story. As for WM9, while some have called it the worst PPV ever, it certainly has historical significance, and that alone disqualifies it from the running. Shows like Road Wild and King of the Ring 95 were uniformly bad and offered no lasting change for the wrestling world, and so can be more easily considered the worst. Still, Wrestlemania IX ranks as the worst WM ever, easily. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for WWF Wrestlemania IX – Figured we might as well go whole hog and redo this one, since the buildup on the RAWs I’ve been doing has been towards this show. Plus I wanted to work in all the Anthology versions of WM anyway. Can you believe it’s been ten years since I last did this one? – Live from Caesar’s Palace, Las Vegas. – Your hosts are Bobby Heenan, Randy Savage and introducing…JIM ROSS! In a toga. Intercontinental title: Shawn Michaels v. Tatanka Odd choice for an opener, actually, as the buildup for Tatanka would have led you to think he’d be higher up on the card. This is the short-lived debut of Luna Vachon as Shawn’s manager in a move that was a head-scratcher even by the standards of the time. Tatanka counters with blessings from the cougar lodge — Sherri Martell. Shawn goes for the takedown to start and Tatanka fights him off. Shawn goes with the top wristlock and Tatanka powers out of that, so he goes with the headlock and has better luck there. Tatanka tries to power out, so Shawn walks the ropes to hold the move, then tries it again and gets dropped with a suplex as a result. Tatanka hits him with a dropkick and chops him to the floor, but Sherri keeps Luna from interceding. Shawn fights Tatanka off and comes in via the top rope with a sunset flip for two. That went badly. Tatanka catches him with an inverted atomic drop and a DDT, then goes to work on the arm. Shawn keeps threatening to pull hair and the ref keeps catching him, so Tatanka is able to take him down again and goes back to the armbar. Shawn slugs out, but charges and runs himself into the post, allowing Tatanka to go back to the arm again. Shawn tries to alley-oop him in the corner, but Tatanka catches him with a shoulderbreaker and goes up with a flying chop on the shoulder. Another one, but Shawn catches him with a superkick on the way down to take over. Shawn tosses him and Sherri chases Luna off again, but Shawn hits him with a clothesline off the apron anyway. Back in, Shawn gets a neckbreaker for two. Standing dropkick gets two. Shawn hits the chinlock and then slugs away in the corner, then tries a victory roll and actually gets two. I don’t know that Tatanka knew what was going on there. Shawn goes up and does it again, and this time Tatanka is hip to the room and drops him with an electric chair. That gets two. Tatanka misses an elbow and Shawn goes up with a double axehandle, but it’s the PISSED OFF RACIAL STEREOTYPE, which actually gets a good reaction from the crowd. Tatanka blocks the superkick and chops him down, which Shawn sells like gunshots. Tatanka with a high cross for two. Catapult into a rollup gets two. Papoose to Go is reversed into a rollup for two by Shawn. Shawn goes up to capitalize, but Tatanka catches him with the powerslam for two. Shawn tosses him to catch a breather, but he does a dramatic dive from the apron and hits the stairs by mistake. He pulls out the ref in frustration, and back in, Tatanka with the Papoose to Go, but the ref calls for the DQ at 18:18. That is some weak sauce. People pull out the ref just to break up a two count these days! Much longer and better match than I remember, though. ***1/2 They really booked themselves into a corner here, as they didn’t want to end the undefeated streak and they didn’t want to change the title, so you get this finish. The Headshrinkers v. The Steiner Brothers A sign in the crowd notes that New York City loves the Steiners and the Undertaker. Really? Just those three? And is it fair for one sign to speak for the entire city? What if some guy in Manhattan loves Mr. Perfect more? Was this sign created from a scientific poll of the city? I WANT TO KNOW. Anyway, Scott takes Fatu down with an armbar to start and hiptosses him out of the corner, and they slug it out until Fatu goes down. The Shrinkers double-team Scott in the corner and toss Rick, but the Steiners regroup and both come off the same turnbuckle with clotheslines. That’s pretty awesome. Rick comes in against Samu, and Samu pounds him in the corner and follows with a clothesline. Rick hits him with his own and then sends him into the post in a crazy spot. Scott comes in with the butterfly bomb, but Samu drops him with a hotshot that turns into a crazy bump over the top when Fatu pulls the top rope down. Afa hits him with the big stick for good measure. Back in, the Headshrinkers take over and Fatu gets a backbreaker and a diving headbutt for two. Samu with a nice spinkick, but a blind charge hits boot. Fatu comes back in with a Randy Orton punt to put Scott on the floor, and Samu runs him into the post. Back in, Scott rams Fatu’s head into the mat, and Fatu casually no-sells it and superkicks him down. I LOVE that spot. Haku used to do that one, too, and it’s always great because the crowd pops for the initial move and then again for the heel comeback. Scott tries to fight out of the corner and they poke him in the eyes, allowing Fatu to get a backbreaker for two. They clothesline each other, but Fatu makes the tag first and Samu cuts the tag off. He goes up and misses the flying headbutt, however, and it’s HOT tag Rick. Backdrop and slam sets up a series of Steinerlines, but ramming their heads together proves to be a mistake. Shrinkers hit the double Stroke to take over again and try a Doomsday Device, but incredibly Rick catches Samu in mid-air and powerslams him off Fatu’s shoulders for two. Back to Scott, who suplexes Fatu, but runs into another superkick from Samu. Scott has had ENOUGH, however, and finishes with the Frankensteiner at 14:20. They were just beating the hell out of each other here, and again this was much better and longer than I remembered. ***1/4 Crush v. Doink the Clown Crush attacks on the floor and sends the clown into the post, and they head in for some angry choking from Crush. Randy notes that “Crush is all over Doink like melting butter”. Can we have a drug test for Savage, please? And also a drug test for whoever thought that orange, yellow and purple tights would be a good idea for Crush? Crush pounds away and gets a standing neckbreaker, then snaps the neck on the top rope. Crush pounds away on the apron, but Doink retorts with his own necksnap and comes off the top with a series of forearms to put him down. Piledriver follows and Crush bails to escape, but Doink hauls him back in. He goes up and we get my least favorite spot, as Doink goes up and lands on Crush’s foot, and Crush powerslams him to make the comeback. Clothesline puts Doink on the floor, and Doink tries to hide under the ring. Crush pulls him back into the ring for a press slam and tries to finish, but Doink nails the ref and goes under the ring again. Crush hauls him back in again and applies the head-vice, but GatorDoink hits him from behind with the fake arm and Doink gets the pin at 8:27. *1/2 Razor Ramon v. Bob Backlund The crowd is clearly cheering for Razor, which I also noticed on the Poughkeepsie RAW as well, so the writing was on the wall there. Backlund evades him to start, but Ramon catches him and beats him down, then stomps away. Bob comes back with a hiptoss out of the corner, but misses a dropkick and comes back with a butterfly suplex instead. He follows with an atomic drop and then slingshots Ramon in from the apron, but Ramon cradles for the pin at 3:40. Big pop for that. * WWF World tag team titles: Money Inc. v. Hulk Hogan & Brutus Beefcake Hogan is of course sporting a black eye here, and we’ve covered that enough for one lifetime. Beefcake’s ridiculous protective mask looks like a rejected Kyle Raynor Green Lantern design. Dibiase starts with Beefcake and elbows him down, but he comes off the top and hurts his hand when he hits Beefcake’s mask. Dibiase rams Beefcake into the turnbuckle and that has no effect either, and the faces take over on Dibiase. Hogan slugs away in the corner and clotheslines him, and Beefcake comes in for a slam. The faces pinball Dibiase in the corner and Hulk clotheslines him out, and it’s more of the same for IRS. The champs decide to take a walk, but they do the silly thing where the ref threatens to switch the titles if they walk out. So they head back in and Dibiase gets a cheapshot on Hulk and chokes away, then gets the Million Dollar Dream. Hulk basically sells it like a chinlock as Savage goes into his insane bit about how “they’re hanging from the rafters…if there were rafters…but there’s not, there’s columns, and they’re hanging from them.” OK then. Beefcake breaks up the sleeper with one of his own, and that leaves both Dibiase and Hogan out for the double count. Hulk recovers first and it’s hot tag Beefcake. High knee for IRS and Dibiase goes out via an atomic drop, but he hits Beefcake with the briefcase and IRS drops an elbow to take over again. Really? Wasn’t 15 minutes long enough for this shitty match? Dibiase tries to get the mask off and succeeds, and they go to work on his face now. Now, they already said that Beefcake was at 100% and didn’t sustain any damage from the previous attack, so I’m not sure where the suspense is supposed to be coming from. Beefer comes back and puts IRS in the sleeper, and the ref gets wiped out as a result. Now, the ref is unconscious, why would Hogan bother waiting for the tag? Hulk gets the tag, puts them down with the mask, and both faces make the cover, but the ref revives and calls for the DQ at 18:48, giving Money Inc. the win. Just an awful, awful finish to an incredibly boring match. Beefcake in particular looked out of sync and terrible. *1/4 And Hulk Hogan has been a wrestler for HOW long and still celebrates with the title belts when JIMMY HART makes the count? Are they supposed to be retarded? This one, at the time, was setting off huge alarm bells in my head because why would Hogan make his big comeback and then lose? Anyway, they do their posing (despite losing) and then Hogan breaks into Dibiase’s personal property, the briefcase, and throws his money into the crowd. Years later, Linda would do the same thing to him. Probably not even metaphorically, she probably made him fill a briefcase full of money and then gave it away to a crowd of people while he watched. Mr. Perfect v. Lex Luger This should have been great and just wasn’t. Although people often compare Perfect’s style with Flair’s and assume that he’d mesh well with Luger because of that, but heel Luger v. face Flair was never any good either. Perfect tries the headlock to start and they trade hammerlock attempts, but Luger makes the ropes. Perfect hits a kneelift and dropkick and Luger bails to think it over. Back in, Luger with a cheapshot to take over and he runs Perfect into the turnbuckle, but a big boot is blocked and Perfect goes to work on the leg. He chops away in the corner, but Luger whips him into the turnbuckles and Perfect bumps out of the ring. Luger works the back in the ring and gets a backbreaker, then drops an elbow for two. Pin in the corner gets two. Lex with the powerslam for two. Perfect sunset flip gets two and he comes back with a sleeper, but Luger runs him into the corner to break. Perfect slugs him down as this is going nowhere fast, and a small package gets two. Perfect catapults him into the corner and puts him down with the Ax forearm for two. Perfect with another forearm for two and a neckbreaker gets two. Ugly missile dropkick gets two, but Luger is in the ropes. He tries a backslide, but Lex hooks the ropes and reverses for the pin at 10:55, despite Perfect’s legs being in the ropes. Just goes to show: Never depend on the ref seeing you in the ropes, always kick out. They were on two different planets here for whatever reason. *1/2 Perfect chases Luger to the back to exact his revenge, but Shawn Michaels jumps him to set up that feud. Now, since Perfect never got his revenge on Luger, can it be assumed that his turn on Luger at Wrestlemania X was a very long-simmering plot on his part? (I think it was actually established after I wrote this that, yes, that was his plan all along.) Undertaker v. Giant Gonzalez Gonzalez hammers on Taker to no effect and then chokes him into the corner, but Taker climbs the ropes and chokes right back. Giant goes low to break, but Taker goes old school and slugs away in the corner while Giant makes faces in his sad attempts to sell. Gonzalez with a clothesline and he pounds away and hiptosses Taker, then goes to a standing chinlock of some sort. And that just goes on forever, until he tosses Taker and sends him into the stairs. Back in, Giant headbutts him down, but Taker fights back and we get more of Gonzalez selling like a moron. The managers get involved and Gonzalez smothers Taker with a chloroform-soaked cloth for the DQ at 7:37. I can’t even watch this without thinking of the Simpsons now and “You idiot, those are COLORFORMS!” These are some especially bad finishes tonight. And this was just as terrible as advertised, with Gonzalez unable to do the simplest moves properly or sell anything. -**** Meanwhile, Mean Gene interviews Hulk Hogan, who promises that regardless of whether it’s Bret Hart or “the jap”, he wants the first shot. ALARM BELLS, RINGING. WWF World title: Bret Hart v. Yokozuna Basically the buildup was that Bret Hart was having the worst week of his life and had no chance to beat the guy who outweighed him by 200 pounds. So you can see why this did the buyrate it did. Like, wouldn’t you at least PRETEND that Bret has a shot to beat his challenger? They spend literally the whole PPV talking about how bookmakers have Yoko as the odds-on favorite. Bret dropkicks him into the corner to start and slugs away, but Yoko tackles him to the floor. Bret trips him up and slingshots himself back in, then drops the elbow off the middle rope. Yoko comes back with a clothesline and slam, and the Hulkbuster legdrop follows. He chokes Bret out on the ropes and goes to the nerve pinch. Yoko charges and misses, allowing Bret to get a sort-of bulldog for two. Yoko puts him down again with a superkick and goes back to the nerve hold. Another charge misses again and Bret gets another bulldog for two, then the middle rope elbow for two. Clothesline puts Yoko down and Bret slugs away in the corner, but Yoko puts him down with an atomic drop, as Bret yanks the turnbuckle pad off. Bret sends him into the steel and hooks the Sharpshooter, but Fuji tosses a big ol’ handful of salt in his face, and Yoko gets the pin and the title at 8:49. Watchable, but Bret could only do so much here. *1/2 And before Yokozuna can even celebrate, Hulk Hogan comes out to protest, which results in Fuji challenging him to a title match RIGHT HERE. WWF World title: Yokozuna v. Hulk Hogan So Fuji throws more salt, hits Yoko by mistake, and the legdrop gives Hogan his fifth title at 0:25. And we all know how well THAT turned out. The Pulse: I would actually classify this as “mildly better than I remembered”, with the first two matches being pretty darn good and the rest living down to its pedigree. I’d still call it far and away the worst Wrestlemania of all-time, though, as the atmosphere was ridiculously bad and it featured some of the worst finishes this side of Dusty Rhodes on an LCD trip.
Wrestlemania — page 20
Wrestlemania Specialty Matches: Wrestlemania V
9th March 2012 by Scott Keith
Hey look it’s Wrestlemania V, which I believe had 83 matches on it.
The card actually just ended last week.
Enjoy.
Wrestlemania V: The Megapowers Explode
From Trump Plaza in Atlantic City, New Jersey
Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura
WWF Tag Team Championship: Demolition vs. Powers of Pain & Mr. Fuji
The storyline is WAY more important than the match. Powers of Pain jumped to the WWF from Crockett sometime in the late summer and you were basically counting the days until they won the titles. Funny thing is it didn’t happen and the fans still dug Demolition despite the Powers being there so they do the double switch at Survivor Series and give the people what they want (to cheer Demolition). Anyway at this point it was the final title shot for the Powers and Fuji made it a Freebird match so it’s 3-on-2. Now although the mark says that Fuji pulled one over on his old team, the smark says this was a genius move by Demolition because Fuji is far more dangerous on the outside where he can cheat, but with him in the ring, they could rough him up and pin him. No wonder they held the titles for like 19 months on their first reign. Demolition was one of those rare acts that lasted exactly as long as their shelf life demanded.
Warlord and Ax start things off and Ax gets the upper hand by…well beating the shit out of him. He tags in Smash and they both beat the shit out of him. I mean there’s no doubt why this team got over – they didn’t take any shit from anyone. The Powers trap Smash in the corner but he fights his way out and tags Ax who rocks Barbarian with a clothesline and body slams him. Barbarian rallies with a shot to the throat and tags Warlord but Smash no sells him and tags Ax and they double clothesline Warlord (good thing too, I always thought Barbarian had some use and was a decent power worker. Warlord, on the other hand, sucked monkey nuts). Ax back in the ring and the heels finally get some continuity and rough up Ax. Warlord tags Fuji who does some whack karate shit and lands a headbutt to the midsection. He quickly leaves the ring and lets Barbarian take over again and the big boot grounds Ax some more. Flying shoulder block from Barbarian but no cover, instead a tag to Warlord, who lays in his crappy offense for a two count. Tag to the Barbarian and he slams Ax and tags Fuji, who climbs to the top and misses whatever he wanted to try. He tags Warlord, however, who slams Ax but misses the clothesline and gets caught with a forearm. Hot tag to Smash and he chews gum and kicks ass…although I see no gum. Crowd wakes up out of its coma for this segment. An assisted hangman slam on Warlord…see that’s what made Demolition cool, they did heel shit. More shenanigans and somehow Smash is trapped with Warlord and Fuji but Fuji accidentally hits Warlord with salt and he’s gone. Decapitation on Fuji and this one is over. See what I mean about genius. They didn’t even have to pin one of the 300-pound guys, they just beat up the 80-year-old manager and called it a day. Highly under appreciated strategists.
(Demolition def. Powers of Pain/Fuji, pinfall, *1/2, because Demolition still rules over 20 years later.)
Wrestlemania Specialty Matches: Wrestlemania V
9th March 2012 by Scott Keith
Hey look it’s Wrestlemania V, which I believe had 83 matches on it.
The card actually just ended last week.
Enjoy.
Wrestlemania V: The Megapowers Explode
From Trump Plaza in Atlantic City, New Jersey
Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura
WWF Tag Team Championship: Demolition vs. Powers of Pain & Mr. Fuji
The storyline is WAY more important than the match. Powers of Pain jumped to the WWF from Crockett sometime in the late summer and you were basically counting the days until they won the titles. Funny thing is it didn’t happen and the fans still dug Demolition despite the Powers being there so they do the double switch at Survivor Series and give the people what they want (to cheer Demolition). Anyway at this point it was the final title shot for the Powers and Fuji made it a Freebird match so it’s 3-on-2. Now although the mark says that Fuji pulled one over on his old team, the smark says this was a genius move by Demolition because Fuji is far more dangerous on the outside where he can cheat, but with him in the ring, they could rough him up and pin him. No wonder they held the titles for like 19 months on their first reign. Demolition was one of those rare acts that lasted exactly as long as their shelf life demanded.
Warlord and Ax start things off and Ax gets the upper hand by…well beating the shit out of him. He tags in Smash and they both beat the shit out of him. I mean there’s no doubt why this team got over – they didn’t take any shit from anyone. The Powers trap Smash in the corner but he fights his way out and tags Ax who rocks Barbarian with a clothesline and body slams him. Barbarian rallies with a shot to the throat and tags Warlord but Smash no sells him and tags Ax and they double clothesline Warlord (good thing too, I always thought Barbarian had some use and was a decent power worker. Warlord, on the other hand, sucked monkey nuts). Ax back in the ring and the heels finally get some continuity and rough up Ax. Warlord tags Fuji who does some whack karate shit and lands a headbutt to the midsection. He quickly leaves the ring and lets Barbarian take over again and the big boot grounds Ax some more. Flying shoulder block from Barbarian but no cover, instead a tag to Warlord, who lays in his crappy offense for a two count. Tag to the Barbarian and he slams Ax and tags Fuji, who climbs to the top and misses whatever he wanted to try. He tags Warlord, however, who slams Ax but misses the clothesline and gets caught with a forearm. Hot tag to Smash and he chews gum and kicks ass…although I see no gum. Crowd wakes up out of its coma for this segment. An assisted hangman slam on Warlord…see that’s what made Demolition cool, they did heel shit. More shenanigans and somehow Smash is trapped with Warlord and Fuji but Fuji accidentally hits Warlord with salt and he’s gone. Decapitation on Fuji and this one is over. See what I mean about genius. They didn’t even have to pin one of the 300-pound guys, they just beat up the 80-year-old manager and called it a day. Highly under appreciated strategists.
(Demolition def. Powers of Pain/Fuji, pinfall, *1/2, because Demolition still rules over 20 years later.)
Wresltemania Specialty Matches: Wrestlemania IV
9th March 2012 by Scott Keith
Yay Wrestlemania IV
No need go into detail because none of you are going to comment anyway 🙂
Enjoy.
Wrestlemania IV: What the World is Watching (and certainly regretted it later)
From Trump Plaza in Atlantic City, New Jersey
Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura
WWF Heavyweight Championship Tournament: One Man Gang vs. Bam Bam Bigelow
Why you ask? Lack of options. Already done the Battle Royale and the Warrior match. Plus I like Bam Bam’s funky entrance music.
This is the first round of the tournament, which was not only a bad decision but featured a series of bad decisions in the process. Bam Bam is over. Not Hogan level or Savage level over but certainly very over. So naturally they buried him. OMG is listed at around for 450 pounds and Bigelow is listed at 393 despite looking about 125 pounds lighter than OMG. Oliver Humperdink is Bigelow’s manager. He was also Paul Orndorff’s manager in the WWF during his second or third face turn. They all got buried naturally.
The Gang jumps Bigelow while he’s doing his warm ups and pounds away. He grunts a lot too. He’s like a fatter, less talented Iron Mike Sharpe. Gang sends Bam Bam in the corner and avalanches him (slowly) as Gorilla and Jesse discuss Gorilla’s wrestling weight, which shows you how seriously they are taking this match. Bigelow moves out of a second avalanche and knocks Gang over for a two count. Bigelow with a high cross body for two and a diving headbutt for another two count. Bigelow puts on the power moves and adds a headbutt and a clothesline to knock him down. Another headbutt and more punching and more power stuff from Bigelow at a much faster pace. Another diving headbutt and he goes for the big…something but Slick pulls down the ropes and Bigelow goes flying over the the top. Now Bigelow is on the ring apron at the count of five but the dumbass referee keeps counting and Bigelow is halfway in the fucking ring when his slow ass gets to 10 and they ring the bell. This HAD to be a double cross of some sort. Anyway Bigelow was one of the few people the crap-assed crowd came to see so you can imagine their excitement that Gang advanced despite not having won a noteworthy match in like two years. What a big pile of bullshit. And naturally Bigelow is dead. You know why he’s dead? Because the good workers always die (example: The Radicalz, no offense Dean, you were awesome), I bet you Oliver Humperdink is dead too (checking Wikipedia), yup died last year.
(One Man Gang def. Bigelow, referee incompetence, *1/2 for Bigelow’s work since One Man Gang is a walking negative star machine.)
Wresltemania Specialty Matches: Wrestlemania IV
9th March 2012 by Scott Keith
Yay Wrestlemania IV
No need go into detail because none of you are going to comment anyway 🙂
Enjoy.
Wrestlemania IV: What the World is Watching (and certainly regretted it later)
From Trump Plaza in Atlantic City, New Jersey
Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura
WWF Heavyweight Championship Tournament: One Man Gang vs. Bam Bam Bigelow
Why you ask? Lack of options. Already done the Battle Royale and the Warrior match. Plus I like Bam Bam’s funky entrance music.
This is the first round of the tournament, which was not only a bad decision but featured a series of bad decisions in the process. Bam Bam is over. Not Hogan level or Savage level over but certainly very over. So naturally they buried him. OMG is listed at around for 450 pounds and Bigelow is listed at 393 despite looking about 125 pounds lighter than OMG. Oliver Humperdink is Bigelow’s manager. He was also Paul Orndorff’s manager in the WWF during his second or third face turn. They all got buried naturally.
The Gang jumps Bigelow while he’s doing his warm ups and pounds away. He grunts a lot too. He’s like a fatter, less talented Iron Mike Sharpe. Gang sends Bam Bam in the corner and avalanches him (slowly) as Gorilla and Jesse discuss Gorilla’s wrestling weight, which shows you how seriously they are taking this match. Bigelow moves out of a second avalanche and knocks Gang over for a two count. Bigelow with a high cross body for two and a diving headbutt for another two count. Bigelow puts on the power moves and adds a headbutt and a clothesline to knock him down. Another headbutt and more punching and more power stuff from Bigelow at a much faster pace. Another diving headbutt and he goes for the big…something but Slick pulls down the ropes and Bigelow goes flying over the the top. Now Bigelow is on the ring apron at the count of five but the dumbass referee keeps counting and Bigelow is halfway in the fucking ring when his slow ass gets to 10 and they ring the bell. This HAD to be a double cross of some sort. Anyway Bigelow was one of the few people the crap-assed crowd came to see so you can imagine their excitement that Gang advanced despite not having won a noteworthy match in like two years. What a big pile of bullshit. And naturally Bigelow is dead. You know why he’s dead? Because the good workers always die (example: The Radicalz, no offense Dean, you were awesome), I bet you Oliver Humperdink is dead too (checking Wikipedia), yup died last year.
(One Man Gang def. Bigelow, referee incompetence, *1/2 for Bigelow’s work since One Man Gang is a walking negative star machine.)
Wrestlemania Countdown: 8
8th March 2012 by Scott Keith
(2012 Scott sez: OK, I’m pretty sure we’ve reached the point where there’s a maximum of two versions of each rant to slog through.) The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VIII – Live from Indianapolis, Indiana. Original airdate: April 5, 1992 – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan.– Personal reminiscence: This was the last Wrestlemania that I had to watch on closed-circuit TV rather than PPV, because in 1992 Edmonton finally got PPV capability. In this case, the only place close that was showing it was a hotel in a rather out-of-the-way chunk of Edmonton called Sherwood Park. Sadly, I can’t even remember the name of it now. But I did get a cool Wrestlemania logo mug, which I proudly retain and use to this day. (Sadly, that mug disappeared sometime in 2004 during my move from Edmonton to Saskatoon. I suspect someone tried to mix painkillers and alcohol in it.) Anyway, there ended up being a couple of hundred people packed into a ballroom that was only expecting 40 or 50, and the atmosphere for the show in that room alone was pretty awesome. – Opening match: Tito Santana v. Shawn Michaels. The more things change, the more they really, really change. This was the end of Santana’s WWF career and the beginning of Shawn’s rise to the top. Good choice for the opener. Michaels and Sherri are nowhere near over yet, despite the coolest jacket ever: “I’m too sexy for this crowd.” (You’ll note my perspective on that jacket changes with about 5 years of hindsight.) And “Sexy Boy” sounds so weird still being sung by Sherri. Sherri looks skanky and pudgy as ever, so nice to know some things are constant. It’s funny comparing then and now, actually — I didn’t buy Michaels as any kind of legit title threat until 1994, and I certainly didn’t buy him as a possible World champion until he almost won the thing from Diesel in 1995. Quite a bit of stalling and a few good bumps from Shawn about sum this one up. Another “then and now” moment: The main event, the show stopper, the scene stealer, the ICON…in the opening match? Side-headlocks a go-go from Tito. Shawn hits the Sweet Chin Music at one point, but the move isn’t over yet so does minimal damage. He was using the teardrop suplex at this point, btw, and for those who ask a teardrop suplex is, for lack of a better description, a released backdrop suplex. Pretty nasty if done right. (Generally lame, though.) The match has a hot ending, however, as Shawn sells like a champ before reversing a slam attempt into a pin. Ending looked a bit messed up for some reason. *1/2 – Mean Gene brings out the LOD and Paul Ellering for a *lengthy* interview. This was the precursor to Rocco, which I pray will never be spoken of again. By anyone. – Jake Roberts v. The Undertaker. Now *this* is how you bury a guy whose contract is up. This is shortly after the UT’s face turn, and he’s getting mega-pops even then. This is the “final justice” match for all the bad stuff Jake did during his “Trust me” run, and boy does he *ever* get his. UT no-sells everything and then some, including the DDT, and easily pins Jake after tombstoning him on the floor. An utter and complete slaughter. DUD, but a satisfying one for those sick of Jake’s heel tactics. (In hindsight, Jake made the worst decision of his career when he decided to hold up Vince for more money and jump to WCW. 2-0 for Undertaker!) – WWF Intercontinental title: Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart. Piper had substituted for Bret at the Royal Rumble, winning the I-C title from the Mountie, who had in turn won the title from Bret a few days prior. So now Bret and Piper fight. (I definitely used to take “Brevity is the soul of wit” to heart.) This is a lesson in ring psychology, as Bret and Roddy play mindgames with each other the entire match. Bret debuts the “goldbricking” routine that Diesel fell victim to at Survivor Series 1995. Bret juices, just for the hell of it. (Although he told everyone that it was accidental, wink wink.) Piper works very stiff here, with noticeable results. Ref gets bumped and Piper teases a heel turn with the ringbell before the fans change his mind. He goes for the sleeper instead, but Bret walks the ropes and rolls through for the pin and the title. **** Piper’s best match in the WWF, IMO. Piper and Hart do the Babyface Embrace after the match. (Way to short-shrift this match, Scott.) – Bobby introduces us to “future WBF champion” Lex Luger. Whoever thought the WBF was a good idea? Oh, yeah, same guy who thought the XFL is. (And the WWE Network. And WWE Films. Although now I’m wondering when I wrote this, because it’s lacking match times and meaningful recapping, but I’m making XFL jokes here which would place it in 2001 when I should have been doing both of those things.) – The Nasty Boys & Repo Man & The Mountie v. Jim Duggan & Sgt. Slaughter & Virgil & Big Bossman. Oh, wow, it’s the “8 suckiest guys in wrestling today in the same match” match. Okay, that’s not fair — Jacques Rougeau isn’t that bad. Ray Combs does a lame ring introduction, mocking the heels. Hold on! Shawn Michaels has left the building. Whew, I feel better now. This is not as incredibly bad as you might think it is, which is to say it’s not quite a DUD. Virgil pins Knobs after a miscommunication spot. 1/2* – WWF World title: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage. This is the blowoff for the “She was mine before she was yours” feud. I never really cared for the “sign the match, then add the angle” approach to this, but it won Feud of the Year or Angle of the Year or something on RSPW, so I guess many disagreed with me. This is arguably Savage’s last really great match in the WWF, with the possible exception of Savage v. Warrior from Summerslam 1992. Super-hot crowd. Perfect is almost Togo-ish in his TOTAL DICKHOOD~! (See, again, I’m all over Dick Togo’s jock here, which would place this in my Michinoku Pro fanboy phase around 1999. I’m confused.) Flair blades, and I was half-expecting Savage to join him in a sympathy blade, but no dice. (Yeah, and Flair got REAMED by Vince after the match for doing that, so no wonder Savage didn’t follow suit.) Flair dominates, but Savage makes the superhero comeback and destroys Flair, finally hitting the big elbow. But Perfect yanks him out of the ring to make the save. What a jerk (You know it’s a good character when you can still sit back years later and think he’s a total jerk for doing that). Flair tries the old brass knucks, but Savage kicks out. They cheat outrageously some more, allowing Flair to get the figure-four. He destroys Savage’s knee unmercifully, but stalls one time too many and allows Savage to roll him up out of nowhere for the pin and title. ****1/4 Great match. Flair goes after Liz and a wild brawl erupts. Savage finally gets his moment of glory, without You-Know-Who posing in the background. Good for him. – Flair gives a classic ranting and raving interview, where he conveniently ignores the 14 or so rule violations committed by himself and focuses on Savage’s pulling of the tights. – Savage responds with his own psychotic interview. Great feud. – We pretty much go downhill from there. – Rick Martel v. Tatanka. Tatanka was getting the Maivia-level push at this time, despite his near-total lack of talent. (Again, Rocky Maivia references, so this would be 98-99. I wonder if I edited that XFL joke in later?) Nothing match here, only there to put Tatanka over. T-t-t-t-t-t-tanka rolls through a body block for the pin. *1/2 – WWF Tag Team Title: Money, Inc. v. The Natural Disasters. Jimmy Hart had recently swerved the Disasters and gone over to Dibiase & IRS, setting up this match. Earthquake and Typhoon basically mop the ring with the champs for a few minutes, before they run away, giving the Disasters a countout win. DUD Well, one screwjob so far ain’t bad. (This was supposed to be Money Inc v. Legion of Doom as I recall, but Hawk was falling fast.) – Owen Hart v. Skinner. Could’ve been good, but time constraints dictated otherwise. (Much like this rant, apparently. Was I rushing through this or what?) Skinner gets a few big moves in quickly, but Owen kicks out and rolls him up for a very quick pin. DUD – Main Event: Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice. Standard “Hogan gets betrayed” blowoff match. The formula was getting very old by this point. Kick and punch, heel gets the Big Move, Hogan kicks out and Hulks Up, boot, legdrop. Except he doesn’t get the pin — Papa Shango was supposed to run in and break up the count, but he didn’t make down in time and Sid was forced to kick out. Oops. It wasn’t a shoot, despite popular opinion on the ‘net. Sid & Shango put the beats on Hogan until…THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR RUNS IN! Wow, was this an electrifying moment when it happened. Incredible way to end the show, as Hogan and Warrior pose in happier times. Match is maybe 1/4* I shudder to think how bad it can get next month. (See, there I’m referencing the impending Hogan v. Warrior match at Halloween Havoc 98, so I must have edited that XFL line in at a later date. I hate it when people mess with my mind, especially when it’s me.) The Bottom Line: One of the most memorable Wrestlemanias, and for good reason. Two ****+ matches and the biggest surprise ending ever. Wow. Required viewing material for all wrestling fans, I think. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VIII – Live from Indianapolis, IN. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Bobby Heenan. – Opening match: Shawn Michaels v. Tito Santana. Shawn brings new meaning to “classy” by wearing a jacket that says “I’m too sexy for this crowd”, thus not only being a jerk, but also making an incredibly dated reference. Very weird hearing Sherri sing “Sexy Boy” instead of Shawn. Shoving match to start and Tito wins a slugfest and gets a quick crossbody for two. He grabs a headlock on Shawn and holds on, but Shawn slugs out and they criss-cross until Tito clotheslines him to the floor. Back in, Tito goes back to the headlock, but Shawn pounds him in the corner to escape and slugs away. Tito reverses him into the other corner and outsmarts Shawn, going back to the headlock. He gets two off that a few times, hanging on tight. Small package gets two. Back to the headlock for two. Shawn tosses him to escape, as Tito takes a good bump over the top and Shawn pounds him on the apron. Back in, backbreaker gets two. We hit the chinlock, and Tito fights out of it, but walks into the superkick. Since that didn’t get established as his finisher until 1995, it’s not over yet. Shawn goes for his real finisher, the teardrop suplex, but Tito fights out of it. He puts his head down too soon and gets nailed, but comes back with the flying jalapeno and Shawn goes for a ride right out of the ring. They brawl on the floor and Tito brings him back in for a slingshot shoulderblock. Kneelift sends Shawn flying into the corner, and an atomic drop sets up El Pace With Extra Piquante, but Shawn takes a powder to the floor. Back to the apron and Tito goes to slam him back in, but Shawn shifts his weight and gets the pin at 10:37. I assume Sherri was supposed to be cheating there or something, but it didn’t work out that way. Still, good match, although not “HBK” level good. *** (Same basic match recap as before, with the same observations and beats, but much more expanded now. And usually I’m not sitting there reading my old stuff and copying it, I just make the same observations again and think I’m saying something fresh and original.) – Mean Gene re-introduces the LOD, in the storyline that would bring Paul Ellering to the WWF…and Rocco the dummy. Don’t ask. (See?) – Jake Roberts v. Undertaker. This was just after Undertaker’s face turn, as he saved Elizabeth from Roberts, and it was Jake’s last match in the WWF before jumping to WCW. Jake evades him to start and slugs away, to no effect. Another shot puts Taker on the floor, but he pulls Jake out with him and proceeds to ass-kicking. Back in, Jake kneelifts him coming through the ropes and keeps punching, but that gets him nowhere, as UT calmly chokes him out in the corner and won’t let him leave. Well, it’s no TRIANGLE choke, but you could see the MMA influence already starting! Okay, I made that up. Yeah, more choking. Taker drops an elbow and gets the flying clothesline, but Jake DDTs him. Taker no-sells and keeps choking, so Jake hits him with a short clothesline and another DDT. And it’s zombie sit-up #2 while Jake goes after Paul Bearer, which pisses Undertaker off enough that he tombstones Jake on the floor, and tosses him back in for the pin at 6:41. That was basically Jake passing the “creepy babyface” torch to Undertaker, and I guess it worked. ½* – Intercontinental title: Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart. This was of course set up by the Mountie being an unlikely transition champion, beating Bret at a house show and losing the title to Piper at Royal Rumble, so with Bret demanding his mandatory rematch, this was the result. They fight over a lockup and Piper armdrags him. Another lockup, and now Bret gets the armdrag. Piper takes him down to the mat and Bret sends him to the floor to escape, and a shoving match results. Piper asks for the test of strength, although considering Piper looks like he weighs a buck-fifty as this point I don’t know how smart that is. (Yeah, Piper suddenly going off the roids in 92 made for quite the visual contrast to his younger and juicier days.) They trade wristlocks off that and Piper throws a chop, but can’t break free. He rams Bret into the corner to get out, but Bret goes back to it again and yanks Piper to the mat for an armbar. Piper escapes, so Bret dropkicks him, and hurts his shoulder on the bump. Piper is concerned…until Bret cradles for two. Ha! Piper gives him a slap for being sneakier than him, and now it’s on. Criss-cross and they tumble out on a Bret crossbody. Piper offers him save haven back in, and Bret takes it. But then Piper suckerpunches him. He stomps away as Bret blades (and later lied about it to prevent punishment for it) and Piper bulldogs him for two. Piper works on the cut and kneelifts him for two. He socks Bret right in the cut, but Bret gets a sunset flip for two. Piper keeps on the cut and peppers it with punches, for two. They slug it out and Bret forearms him out to the floor, but he heads right back in and they clothesline each other. Piper recovers first and goes up, but Bret was also goldbricking and crotches him, then brings him down by the hair. Atomic drop and suplex get two. Russian legsweep gets two. Backbreaker and he goes for the Sharpshooter, but Piper blocks it, so Bret drops an elbow on him and goes up, hitting boot on the way down. They slug it out and Bret headlocks him, but the ref is bumped. They fight outside and Bret eats stairs, and Piper grabs the bell. The crowd completely freaks out, not wanting to see Piper turn heel on him, but Piper shows mercy and leaves it alone, opting for the sleeper instead. However, that costs him the title, as Bret pushes off the ropes and rolls over for the pin and the title at 13:49, a move that he would later bring back to beat Steve Austin in 1996. Piper teases another heel turn, and then does the right thing and straps the title on Bret. This was not only a great match, but one of the only clean jobs Piper did in his WWF career. **** (You know who else he did a clean job to? Jimmy Superfly Snuka! Yes, that’s right, the father of current diva Tamina Snuka, in case you hadn’t heard.) (Yeah, I got another Snuka joke in there. Because I’m a PROFESSIONAL.) – Bobby Heenan introduces us to the newest WBF superstar, Lex Luger. Never heard of him. – Big Bossman, Sgt. Slaughter, Virgil & Hacksaw Duggan v. Mountie, The Nasty Boys & Repo Man. Our running dead people tally continues, as Ray Combs does the ring introductions here. Big brawl to start, as the faces send the heels running and quadruple-team Repo Man. We start proper with Sags and Duggan, as Sags attacks him from behind and rams him into the turnbuckle, but Duggan comes back with a pair of clotheslines and an atomic drop. Slaughter, a year removed from being an Iraqi turncoat in the main event (Biggest fall from main event glory: This, Bundy at Wrestlemania III, or Savage at Wrestlemania VI?), gets a gutbuster on Knobs and Bossman follows with a big boot. He slugs away in the corner, but misses a charge, and Repo Man comes in and dodges a splash. He jumps on the back a few times, but lands on Bossman’s fist in an awkward place and Bossman slugs him down and brings in Virgil. Dropkick and he goes up with a high cross for two. The Mountie lays him out from behind and Repo gets a backdrop suplex and suckers Duggan in, allowing for some shenanigans. Sags gets a pumphandle slam for two. Mountie comes in and gets caught by Bossman with a spinebuster, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Knobs punches Virgil in the broken nose, but heel miscommunication results in Virgil pinning him at 6:31. Total mess. ½* – WWF title match: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage. This is the famous “she was mine before she was yours” angle that would have been 100x better (and that’s saying something) if they had come up with it BEFORE the match was booked. On the other hand, you could just argue that Flair was playing mindgames with Savage after he found out he’d be defending against him. Savage beats on Flair outside to start, but gets distracted by Perfect, allowing Flair to start chopping. Savage hits him with a clothesline and knees him into the corner, then follows with a clothesline and a back elbow for two. He goes to the eyes, drawing the attention of the ref, but charges Flair and gets backdropped to the floor as a result. Flair follows and stomps on the knee, and back in he keeps stomping on Savage. Into the corner for some chops to set up a delayed suplex, which gets two. Backdrop suplex gets two. He whips Savage around and into a chop for two. Kneedrop and Savage bails to take a breather, so Flair follows and rams the back into the apron. Back in, suplex gets two. Flair whips him into the corner again to stay on the back, and stomps him down in the corner. They slug it out as Savage comes back, and a neckbreaker draws the double count. Flair goes for a running punch, but Savage blocks and slugs him into the corner, allowing Flair to go up, but Savage slams him off and makes the comeback. Backdrop out of the corner and a pair of clotheslines, and it’s a Flair Flip, as Savage slams him off the top for two. Savage comes back with a clothesline to put Flair on the floor, and follows with a double axehandle that sends Flair into the railing, and he blades. Flair wasn’t smart enough to claim it was hardway, like Bret did, so he was fined and very nearly fired for it. Savage suplexes him on the floor and pounds on him back in the ring, then follows with the double axehandle for two. Up top for the flying elbow, but Perfect pulls out Savage at two. Savage, understandably, is upset and chases after him, but that allows Flair to grab an international object and nail Savage with it for two. Flair gets frustrated and pounds away, then chokes him down, allowing Perfect to ram a chair into his knee behind the ref’s back. And now, WHOO, we go to school, but Elizabeth heads down to ringside to provide support as Flair gets the figure-four. The heat is just insane at this point. Flair slaps him around when he won’t stay down, but Savage fights back and reverses it. Flair breaks the hold, but stays on the knee, until Savage gets a small package for two. Into the corner, as Flair hits on Liz and beats on the knee, into a kneecrusher, but he gives one “whoo” too many and Savage rolls him up for the pin with a handful of tights at 18:01 to win his second WWF title. Started slow, but once they got into the groove, they had the crowd in the palm of their hands with great near-falls and crazy heat. ****1/4 Flair gives Liz a goodbye kiss, and Savage goes nuts on him, triggering a huge brawl until the refs pull them apart. Sadly, we would never see the naked centerfold of Elizabeth promised in the buildup by Perfect & Flair. (The guy next to me in the lounge, after witnessing one of the great Wrestlemania matches in history up to that point, got upset and ranted to me about how the match was too short and Flair had only ever lost the title in 30 minute marathons up to that point, as though the WWF was regularly in the habit of giving ANYONE 20 minutes at a time.) – Rick Martel v. Tatanka. This was fairly early in Tatanka’s run, although he would go on to draw pretty decent money against Yokozuna of all people in 1993, before self-destructing. Tatanka slams Martel and chases him from the ring while Bobby Heenan goes ballistic on Monsoon over the last match. Martel misses a charge back in the ring and Tatanka works on the arm, but gets taken down by Martel with a choke. He tosses Tatanka and they head back in, as Martel uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and a backbreaker, but goes up and gets crotched for his troubles. Tatanka comes back with chops and a backdrop, chopping him down. Martel catches him with slam, however, and clotheslines him, but Tatanka finishes with a crossbody at 4:30. Weak. ¾* – WWF tag title match: Money Inc. v. The Natural Disasters. Dibiase starts with Quake and gets overpowered. The Disasters clean house on them and the champs regroup. Back in, and the Disasters work on IRS’s arm, and Typhoon hiptosses him. IRS tries to bail, but gets caught by the tie and rammed into the turnbuckles. Typhoon charges and misses, however, and Dibiase comes in, but gets whipped into the corner, too. Typhoon charges and hits the floor, however, and Dibiase hammers away in the corner, and Money Inc gets the double-team clothesline for two. Double back elbow and IRS goes to the front facelock, and it’s a false tag to Earthquake. Dibiase gets two on Typhoon in the meantime. Double clothesline, crowd still doesn’t care. I never got why the Disasters were turned into the big babyface team of 1992, since they were never particularly over and didn’t have particularly good matches. “Hot” tag Earthquake, and he clotheslines everyone and dumps Dibiase. Typhoon splashes IRS and Quake goes for the butt splash, but Dibiase pulls IRS out and they take a walk at 8:37. Slow, dull match with a really bad finish. * – Owen Hart v. Skinner. Skinner sprays him with tobacco juice to catch him off-guard, and gets a shoulderbreaker. Inverted DDT gets two. He adds some headbutts, but Owen skins the cat after getting tossed, and rolls him up for the pin at 1:10. Not one of Owen’s best matches. DUD – Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice. This was SUPPOSED to be Hogan’s retirement match, but he just kept coming back. The show is running long at this point, too. Sid attacks him to start, and Hogan punches him out of the ring and finishes his posing. We start proper as Sid knees him in the gut and pounds away in the corner. Hogan slugs him out of the ring. Back in, Sid calls for the test of strength like every other idiot heel in WWF history, and gets Hogan down to his knees, but he fights back up again. Sid takes him into the corner with knees, and chokeslams him. Sid stops to give his “Do unto the man…” line to the camera and the match is suddenly 10x better, since Sid isn’t doing anything. He uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and Hogan bails, so Sid follows and hits him with Harvey’s medical bag. Wonder if that was George Zahorian’s bag? Back in, Sid uses the VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM as I go change my laundry. Hogan fights out, so Sid sideslams him and powerbombs him, but it’s Hulk Up Time, punch punch punch big boot legdrop…and then a very interesting moment as Papa Shango was supposed to run in and break up the count, but misses his cue, forcing Sid to kick out. (That was a double-cross on Hogan, in fact. Obviously they backed the wrong horse in retrospect.) That was to protect Sid, but in retrospect they needn’t have bothered, since he was gone weeks later anyway. It’s a DQ at 12:26 for no adequately explored reason, and Papa Shango finally gets out there for the beatdown…until Ultimate Warrior makes a shocking return and blows the roof off the place. Good thing they had his music ready. Well, Hogan’s good Wrestlemania match streak ends at 3. ¼* Some cosmetic changes to Warrior had people guessing that it wasn’t Jim Hellwig, but believe me, I wasn’t that lucky. – By the way, the tape closes with an apology from Coliseum video for advertising a Bulldog v. Berzerker match on the box that didn’t happen. While it’s nice they would actually acknowledge their own false advertising for once (the show was running long and the match was ditched), there’s not really any apology needed for THAT cut. The Bottom Line: Another one of my favorite Wrestlemanias, with two great matches and one stinker of a main event that at least had one of the biggest surprise endings in WM history to bail it out somewhat. But it’s definitely worth a look. Highly recommended.
Wrestlemania Countdown: 8
8th March 2012 by Scott Keith
(2012 Scott sez: OK, I’m pretty sure we’ve reached the point where there’s a maximum of two versions of each rant to slog through.) The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VIII – Live from Indianapolis, Indiana. Original airdate: April 5, 1992 – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan.– Personal reminiscence: This was the last Wrestlemania that I had to watch on closed-circuit TV rather than PPV, because in 1992 Edmonton finally got PPV capability. In this case, the only place close that was showing it was a hotel in a rather out-of-the-way chunk of Edmonton called Sherwood Park. Sadly, I can’t even remember the name of it now. But I did get a cool Wrestlemania logo mug, which I proudly retain and use to this day. (Sadly, that mug disappeared sometime in 2004 during my move from Edmonton to Saskatoon. I suspect someone tried to mix painkillers and alcohol in it.) Anyway, there ended up being a couple of hundred people packed into a ballroom that was only expecting 40 or 50, and the atmosphere for the show in that room alone was pretty awesome. – Opening match: Tito Santana v. Shawn Michaels. The more things change, the more they really, really change. This was the end of Santana’s WWF career and the beginning of Shawn’s rise to the top. Good choice for the opener. Michaels and Sherri are nowhere near over yet, despite the coolest jacket ever: “I’m too sexy for this crowd.” (You’ll note my perspective on that jacket changes with about 5 years of hindsight.) And “Sexy Boy” sounds so weird still being sung by Sherri. Sherri looks skanky and pudgy as ever, so nice to know some things are constant. It’s funny comparing then and now, actually — I didn’t buy Michaels as any kind of legit title threat until 1994, and I certainly didn’t buy him as a possible World champion until he almost won the thing from Diesel in 1995. Quite a bit of stalling and a few good bumps from Shawn about sum this one up. Another “then and now” moment: The main event, the show stopper, the scene stealer, the ICON…in the opening match? Side-headlocks a go-go from Tito. Shawn hits the Sweet Chin Music at one point, but the move isn’t over yet so does minimal damage. He was using the teardrop suplex at this point, btw, and for those who ask a teardrop suplex is, for lack of a better description, a released backdrop suplex. Pretty nasty if done right. (Generally lame, though.) The match has a hot ending, however, as Shawn sells like a champ before reversing a slam attempt into a pin. Ending looked a bit messed up for some reason. *1/2 – Mean Gene brings out the LOD and Paul Ellering for a *lengthy* interview. This was the precursor to Rocco, which I pray will never be spoken of again. By anyone. – Jake Roberts v. The Undertaker. Now *this* is how you bury a guy whose contract is up. This is shortly after the UT’s face turn, and he’s getting mega-pops even then. This is the “final justice” match for all the bad stuff Jake did during his “Trust me” run, and boy does he *ever* get his. UT no-sells everything and then some, including the DDT, and easily pins Jake after tombstoning him on the floor. An utter and complete slaughter. DUD, but a satisfying one for those sick of Jake’s heel tactics. (In hindsight, Jake made the worst decision of his career when he decided to hold up Vince for more money and jump to WCW. 2-0 for Undertaker!) – WWF Intercontinental title: Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart. Piper had substituted for Bret at the Royal Rumble, winning the I-C title from the Mountie, who had in turn won the title from Bret a few days prior. So now Bret and Piper fight. (I definitely used to take “Brevity is the soul of wit” to heart.) This is a lesson in ring psychology, as Bret and Roddy play mindgames with each other the entire match. Bret debuts the “goldbricking” routine that Diesel fell victim to at Survivor Series 1995. Bret juices, just for the hell of it. (Although he told everyone that it was accidental, wink wink.) Piper works very stiff here, with noticeable results. Ref gets bumped and Piper teases a heel turn with the ringbell before the fans change his mind. He goes for the sleeper instead, but Bret walks the ropes and rolls through for the pin and the title. **** Piper’s best match in the WWF, IMO. Piper and Hart do the Babyface Embrace after the match. (Way to short-shrift this match, Scott.) – Bobby introduces us to “future WBF champion” Lex Luger. Whoever thought the WBF was a good idea? Oh, yeah, same guy who thought the XFL is. (And the WWE Network. And WWE Films. Although now I’m wondering when I wrote this, because it’s lacking match times and meaningful recapping, but I’m making XFL jokes here which would place it in 2001 when I should have been doing both of those things.) – The Nasty Boys & Repo Man & The Mountie v. Jim Duggan & Sgt. Slaughter & Virgil & Big Bossman. Oh, wow, it’s the “8 suckiest guys in wrestling today in the same match” match. Okay, that’s not fair — Jacques Rougeau isn’t that bad. Ray Combs does a lame ring introduction, mocking the heels. Hold on! Shawn Michaels has left the building. Whew, I feel better now. This is not as incredibly bad as you might think it is, which is to say it’s not quite a DUD. Virgil pins Knobs after a miscommunication spot. 1/2* – WWF World title: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage. This is the blowoff for the “She was mine before she was yours” feud. I never really cared for the “sign the match, then add the angle” approach to this, but it won Feud of the Year or Angle of the Year or something on RSPW, so I guess many disagreed with me. This is arguably Savage’s last really great match in the WWF, with the possible exception of Savage v. Warrior from Summerslam 1992. Super-hot crowd. Perfect is almost Togo-ish in his TOTAL DICKHOOD~! (See, again, I’m all over Dick Togo’s jock here, which would place this in my Michinoku Pro fanboy phase around 1999. I’m confused.) Flair blades, and I was half-expecting Savage to join him in a sympathy blade, but no dice. (Yeah, and Flair got REAMED by Vince after the match for doing that, so no wonder Savage didn’t follow suit.) Flair dominates, but Savage makes the superhero comeback and destroys Flair, finally hitting the big elbow. But Perfect yanks him out of the ring to make the save. What a jerk (You know it’s a good character when you can still sit back years later and think he’s a total jerk for doing that). Flair tries the old brass knucks, but Savage kicks out. They cheat outrageously some more, allowing Flair to get the figure-four. He destroys Savage’s knee unmercifully, but stalls one time too many and allows Savage to roll him up out of nowhere for the pin and title. ****1/4 Great match. Flair goes after Liz and a wild brawl erupts. Savage finally gets his moment of glory, without You-Know-Who posing in the background. Good for him. – Flair gives a classic ranting and raving interview, where he conveniently ignores the 14 or so rule violations committed by himself and focuses on Savage’s pulling of the tights. – Savage responds with his own psychotic interview. Great feud. – We pretty much go downhill from there. – Rick Martel v. Tatanka. Tatanka was getting the Maivia-level push at this time, despite his near-total lack of talent. (Again, Rocky Maivia references, so this would be 98-99. I wonder if I edited that XFL joke in later?) Nothing match here, only there to put Tatanka over. T-t-t-t-t-t-tanka rolls through a body block for the pin. *1/2 – WWF Tag Team Title: Money, Inc. v. The Natural Disasters. Jimmy Hart had recently swerved the Disasters and gone over to Dibiase & IRS, setting up this match. Earthquake and Typhoon basically mop the ring with the champs for a few minutes, before they run away, giving the Disasters a countout win. DUD Well, one screwjob so far ain’t bad. (This was supposed to be Money Inc v. Legion of Doom as I recall, but Hawk was falling fast.) – Owen Hart v. Skinner. Could’ve been good, but time constraints dictated otherwise. (Much like this rant, apparently. Was I rushing through this or what?) Skinner gets a few big moves in quickly, but Owen kicks out and rolls him up for a very quick pin. DUD – Main Event: Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice. Standard “Hogan gets betrayed” blowoff match. The formula was getting very old by this point. Kick and punch, heel gets the Big Move, Hogan kicks out and Hulks Up, boot, legdrop. Except he doesn’t get the pin — Papa Shango was supposed to run in and break up the count, but he didn’t make down in time and Sid was forced to kick out. Oops. It wasn’t a shoot, despite popular opinion on the ‘net. Sid & Shango put the beats on Hogan until…THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR RUNS IN! Wow, was this an electrifying moment when it happened. Incredible way to end the show, as Hogan and Warrior pose in happier times. Match is maybe 1/4* I shudder to think how bad it can get next month. (See, there I’m referencing the impending Hogan v. Warrior match at Halloween Havoc 98, so I must have edited that XFL line in at a later date. I hate it when people mess with my mind, especially when it’s me.) The Bottom Line: One of the most memorable Wrestlemanias, and for good reason. Two ****+ matches and the biggest surprise ending ever. Wow. Required viewing material for all wrestling fans, I think. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VIII – Live from Indianapolis, IN. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Bobby Heenan. – Opening match: Shawn Michaels v. Tito Santana. Shawn brings new meaning to “classy” by wearing a jacket that says “I’m too sexy for this crowd”, thus not only being a jerk, but also making an incredibly dated reference. Very weird hearing Sherri sing “Sexy Boy” instead of Shawn. Shoving match to start and Tito wins a slugfest and gets a quick crossbody for two. He grabs a headlock on Shawn and holds on, but Shawn slugs out and they criss-cross until Tito clotheslines him to the floor. Back in, Tito goes back to the headlock, but Shawn pounds him in the corner to escape and slugs away. Tito reverses him into the other corner and outsmarts Shawn, going back to the headlock. He gets two off that a few times, hanging on tight. Small package gets two. Back to the headlock for two. Shawn tosses him to escape, as Tito takes a good bump over the top and Shawn pounds him on the apron. Back in, backbreaker gets two. We hit the chinlock, and Tito fights out of it, but walks into the superkick. Since that didn’t get established as his finisher until 1995, it’s not over yet. Shawn goes for his real finisher, the teardrop suplex, but Tito fights out of it. He puts his head down too soon and gets nailed, but comes back with the flying jalapeno and Shawn goes for a ride right out of the ring. They brawl on the floor and Tito brings him back in for a slingshot shoulderblock. Kneelift sends Shawn flying into the corner, and an atomic drop sets up El Pace With Extra Piquante, but Shawn takes a powder to the floor. Back to the apron and Tito goes to slam him back in, but Shawn shifts his weight and gets the pin at 10:37. I assume Sherri was supposed to be cheating there or something, but it didn’t work out that way. Still, good match, although not “HBK” level good. *** (Same basic match recap as before, with the same observations and beats, but much more expanded now. And usually I’m not sitting there reading my old stuff and copying it, I just make the same observations again and think I’m saying something fresh and original.) – Mean Gene re-introduces the LOD, in the storyline that would bring Paul Ellering to the WWF…and Rocco the dummy. Don’t ask. (See?) – Jake Roberts v. Undertaker. This was just after Undertaker’s face turn, as he saved Elizabeth from Roberts, and it was Jake’s last match in the WWF before jumping to WCW. Jake evades him to start and slugs away, to no effect. Another shot puts Taker on the floor, but he pulls Jake out with him and proceeds to ass-kicking. Back in, Jake kneelifts him coming through the ropes and keeps punching, but that gets him nowhere, as UT calmly chokes him out in the corner and won’t let him leave. Well, it’s no TRIANGLE choke, but you could see the MMA influence already starting! Okay, I made that up. Yeah, more choking. Taker drops an elbow and gets the flying clothesline, but Jake DDTs him. Taker no-sells and keeps choking, so Jake hits him with a short clothesline and another DDT. And it’s zombie sit-up #2 while Jake goes after Paul Bearer, which pisses Undertaker off enough that he tombstones Jake on the floor, and tosses him back in for the pin at 6:41. That was basically Jake passing the “creepy babyface” torch to Undertaker, and I guess it worked. ½* – Intercontinental title: Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart. This was of course set up by the Mountie being an unlikely transition champion, beating Bret at a house show and losing the title to Piper at Royal Rumble, so with Bret demanding his mandatory rematch, this was the result. They fight over a lockup and Piper armdrags him. Another lockup, and now Bret gets the armdrag. Piper takes him down to the mat and Bret sends him to the floor to escape, and a shoving match results. Piper asks for the test of strength, although considering Piper looks like he weighs a buck-fifty as this point I don’t know how smart that is. (Yeah, Piper suddenly going off the roids in 92 made for quite the visual contrast to his younger and juicier days.) They trade wristlocks off that and Piper throws a chop, but can’t break free. He rams Bret into the corner to get out, but Bret goes back to it again and yanks Piper to the mat for an armbar. Piper escapes, so Bret dropkicks him, and hurts his shoulder on the bump. Piper is concerned…until Bret cradles for two. Ha! Piper gives him a slap for being sneakier than him, and now it’s on. Criss-cross and they tumble out on a Bret crossbody. Piper offers him save haven back in, and Bret takes it. But then Piper suckerpunches him. He stomps away as Bret blades (and later lied about it to prevent punishment for it) and Piper bulldogs him for two. Piper works on the cut and kneelifts him for two. He socks Bret right in the cut, but Bret gets a sunset flip for two. Piper keeps on the cut and peppers it with punches, for two. They slug it out and Bret forearms him out to the floor, but he heads right back in and they clothesline each other. Piper recovers first and goes up, but Bret was also goldbricking and crotches him, then brings him down by the hair. Atomic drop and suplex get two. Russian legsweep gets two. Backbreaker and he goes for the Sharpshooter, but Piper blocks it, so Bret drops an elbow on him and goes up, hitting boot on the way down. They slug it out and Bret headlocks him, but the ref is bumped. They fight outside and Bret eats stairs, and Piper grabs the bell. The crowd completely freaks out, not wanting to see Piper turn heel on him, but Piper shows mercy and leaves it alone, opting for the sleeper instead. However, that costs him the title, as Bret pushes off the ropes and rolls over for the pin and the title at 13:49, a move that he would later bring back to beat Steve Austin in 1996. Piper teases another heel turn, and then does the right thing and straps the title on Bret. This was not only a great match, but one of the only clean jobs Piper did in his WWF career. **** (You know who else he did a clean job to? Jimmy Superfly Snuka! Yes, that’s right, the father of current diva Tamina Snuka, in case you hadn’t heard.) (Yeah, I got another Snuka joke in there. Because I’m a PROFESSIONAL.) – Bobby Heenan introduces us to the newest WBF superstar, Lex Luger. Never heard of him. – Big Bossman, Sgt. Slaughter, Virgil & Hacksaw Duggan v. Mountie, The Nasty Boys & Repo Man. Our running dead people tally continues, as Ray Combs does the ring introductions here. Big brawl to start, as the faces send the heels running and quadruple-team Repo Man. We start proper with Sags and Duggan, as Sags attacks him from behind and rams him into the turnbuckle, but Duggan comes back with a pair of clotheslines and an atomic drop. Slaughter, a year removed from being an Iraqi turncoat in the main event (Biggest fall from main event glory: This, Bundy at Wrestlemania III, or Savage at Wrestlemania VI?), gets a gutbuster on Knobs and Bossman follows with a big boot. He slugs away in the corner, but misses a charge, and Repo Man comes in and dodges a splash. He jumps on the back a few times, but lands on Bossman’s fist in an awkward place and Bossman slugs him down and brings in Virgil. Dropkick and he goes up with a high cross for two. The Mountie lays him out from behind and Repo gets a backdrop suplex and suckers Duggan in, allowing for some shenanigans. Sags gets a pumphandle slam for two. Mountie comes in and gets caught by Bossman with a spinebuster, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Knobs punches Virgil in the broken nose, but heel miscommunication results in Virgil pinning him at 6:31. Total mess. ½* – WWF title match: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage. This is the famous “she was mine before she was yours” angle that would have been 100x better (and that’s saying something) if they had come up with it BEFORE the match was booked. On the other hand, you could just argue that Flair was playing mindgames with Savage after he found out he’d be defending against him. Savage beats on Flair outside to start, but gets distracted by Perfect, allowing Flair to start chopping. Savage hits him with a clothesline and knees him into the corner, then follows with a clothesline and a back elbow for two. He goes to the eyes, drawing the attention of the ref, but charges Flair and gets backdropped to the floor as a result. Flair follows and stomps on the knee, and back in he keeps stomping on Savage. Into the corner for some chops to set up a delayed suplex, which gets two. Backdrop suplex gets two. He whips Savage around and into a chop for two. Kneedrop and Savage bails to take a breather, so Flair follows and rams the back into the apron. Back in, suplex gets two. Flair whips him into the corner again to stay on the back, and stomps him down in the corner. They slug it out as Savage comes back, and a neckbreaker draws the double count. Flair goes for a running punch, but Savage blocks and slugs him into the corner, allowing Flair to go up, but Savage slams him off and makes the comeback. Backdrop out of the corner and a pair of clotheslines, and it’s a Flair Flip, as Savage slams him off the top for two. Savage comes back with a clothesline to put Flair on the floor, and follows with a double axehandle that sends Flair into the railing, and he blades. Flair wasn’t smart enough to claim it was hardway, like Bret did, so he was fined and very nearly fired for it. Savage suplexes him on the floor and pounds on him back in the ring, then follows with the double axehandle for two. Up top for the flying elbow, but Perfect pulls out Savage at two. Savage, understandably, is upset and chases after him, but that allows Flair to grab an international object and nail Savage with it for two. Flair gets frustrated and pounds away, then chokes him down, allowing Perfect to ram a chair into his knee behind the ref’s back. And now, WHOO, we go to school, but Elizabeth heads down to ringside to provide support as Flair gets the figure-four. The heat is just insane at this point. Flair slaps him around when he won’t stay down, but Savage fights back and reverses it. Flair breaks the hold, but stays on the knee, until Savage gets a small package for two. Into the corner, as Flair hits on Liz and beats on the knee, into a kneecrusher, but he gives one “whoo” too many and Savage rolls him up for the pin with a handful of tights at 18:01 to win his second WWF title. Started slow, but once they got into the groove, they had the crowd in the palm of their hands with great near-falls and crazy heat. ****1/4 Flair gives Liz a goodbye kiss, and Savage goes nuts on him, triggering a huge brawl until the refs pull them apart. Sadly, we would never see the naked centerfold of Elizabeth promised in the buildup by Perfect & Flair. (The guy next to me in the lounge, after witnessing one of the great Wrestlemania matches in history up to that point, got upset and ranted to me about how the match was too short and Flair had only ever lost the title in 30 minute marathons up to that point, as though the WWF was regularly in the habit of giving ANYONE 20 minutes at a time.) – Rick Martel v. Tatanka. This was fairly early in Tatanka’s run, although he would go on to draw pretty decent money against Yokozuna of all people in 1993, before self-destructing. Tatanka slams Martel and chases him from the ring while Bobby Heenan goes ballistic on Monsoon over the last match. Martel misses a charge back in the ring and Tatanka works on the arm, but gets taken down by Martel with a choke. He tosses Tatanka and they head back in, as Martel uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and a backbreaker, but goes up and gets crotched for his troubles. Tatanka comes back with chops and a backdrop, chopping him down. Martel catches him with slam, however, and clotheslines him, but Tatanka finishes with a crossbody at 4:30. Weak. ¾* – WWF tag title match: Money Inc. v. The Natural Disasters. Dibiase starts with Quake and gets overpowered. The Disasters clean house on them and the champs regroup. Back in, and the Disasters work on IRS’s arm, and Typhoon hiptosses him. IRS tries to bail, but gets caught by the tie and rammed into the turnbuckles. Typhoon charges and misses, however, and Dibiase comes in, but gets whipped into the corner, too. Typhoon charges and hits the floor, however, and Dibiase hammers away in the corner, and Money Inc gets the double-team clothesline for two. Double back elbow and IRS goes to the front facelock, and it’s a false tag to Earthquake. Dibiase gets two on Typhoon in the meantime. Double clothesline, crowd still doesn’t care. I never got why the Disasters were turned into the big babyface team of 1992, since they were never particularly over and didn’t have particularly good matches. “Hot” tag Earthquake, and he clotheslines everyone and dumps Dibiase. Typhoon splashes IRS and Quake goes for the butt splash, but Dibiase pulls IRS out and they take a walk at 8:37. Slow, dull match with a really bad finish. * – Owen Hart v. Skinner. Skinner sprays him with tobacco juice to catch him off-guard, and gets a shoulderbreaker. Inverted DDT gets two. He adds some headbutts, but Owen skins the cat after getting tossed, and rolls him up for the pin at 1:10. Not one of Owen’s best matches. DUD – Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice. This was SUPPOSED to be Hogan’s retirement match, but he just kept coming back. The show is running long at this point, too. Sid attacks him to start, and Hogan punches him out of the ring and finishes his posing. We start proper as Sid knees him in the gut and pounds away in the corner. Hogan slugs him out of the ring. Back in, Sid calls for the test of strength like every other idiot heel in WWF history, and gets Hogan down to his knees, but he fights back up again. Sid takes him into the corner with knees, and chokeslams him. Sid stops to give his “Do unto the man…” line to the camera and the match is suddenly 10x better, since Sid isn’t doing anything. He uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and Hogan bails, so Sid follows and hits him with Harvey’s medical bag. Wonder if that was George Zahorian’s bag? Back in, Sid uses the VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM as I go change my laundry. Hogan fights out, so Sid sideslams him and powerbombs him, but it’s Hulk Up Time, punch punch punch big boot legdrop…and then a very interesting moment as Papa Shango was supposed to run in and break up the count, but misses his cue, forcing Sid to kick out. (That was a double-cross on Hogan, in fact. Obviously they backed the wrong horse in retrospect.) That was to protect Sid, but in retrospect they needn’t have bothered, since he was gone weeks later anyway. It’s a DQ at 12:26 for no adequately explored reason, and Papa Shango finally gets out there for the beatdown…until Ultimate Warrior makes a shocking return and blows the roof off the place. Good thing they had his music ready. Well, Hogan’s good Wrestlemania match streak ends at 3. ¼* Some cosmetic changes to Warrior had people guessing that it wasn’t Jim Hellwig, but believe me, I wasn’t that lucky. – By the way, the tape closes with an apology from Coliseum video for advertising a Bulldog v. Berzerker match on the box that didn’t happen. While it’s nice they would actually acknowledge their own false advertising for once (the show was running long and the match was ditched), there’s not really any apology needed for THAT cut. The Bottom Line: Another one of my favorite Wrestlemanias, with two great matches and one stinker of a main event that at least had one of the biggest surprise endings in WM history to bail it out somewhat. But it’s definitely worth a look. Highly recommended.
Wrestlemania Countdown: 8
8th March 2012 by Scott Keith
(2012 Scott sez: OK, I’m pretty sure we’ve reached the point where there’s a maximum of two versions of each rant to slog through.) The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VIII – Live from Indianapolis, Indiana. Original airdate: April 5, 1992 – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan.– Personal reminiscence: This was the last Wrestlemania that I had to watch on closed-circuit TV rather than PPV, because in 1992 Edmonton finally got PPV capability. In this case, the only place close that was showing it was a hotel in a rather out-of-the-way chunk of Edmonton called Sherwood Park. Sadly, I can’t even remember the name of it now. But I did get a cool Wrestlemania logo mug, which I proudly retain and use to this day. (Sadly, that mug disappeared sometime in 2004 during my move from Edmonton to Saskatoon. I suspect someone tried to mix painkillers and alcohol in it.) Anyway, there ended up being a couple of hundred people packed into a ballroom that was only expecting 40 or 50, and the atmosphere for the show in that room alone was pretty awesome. – Opening match: Tito Santana v. Shawn Michaels. The more things change, the more they really, really change. This was the end of Santana’s WWF career and the beginning of Shawn’s rise to the top. Good choice for the opener. Michaels and Sherri are nowhere near over yet, despite the coolest jacket ever: “I’m too sexy for this crowd.” (You’ll note my perspective on that jacket changes with about 5 years of hindsight.) And “Sexy Boy” sounds so weird still being sung by Sherri. Sherri looks skanky and pudgy as ever, so nice to know some things are constant. It’s funny comparing then and now, actually — I didn’t buy Michaels as any kind of legit title threat until 1994, and I certainly didn’t buy him as a possible World champion until he almost won the thing from Diesel in 1995. Quite a bit of stalling and a few good bumps from Shawn about sum this one up. Another “then and now” moment: The main event, the show stopper, the scene stealer, the ICON…in the opening match? Side-headlocks a go-go from Tito. Shawn hits the Sweet Chin Music at one point, but the move isn’t over yet so does minimal damage. He was using the teardrop suplex at this point, btw, and for those who ask a teardrop suplex is, for lack of a better description, a released backdrop suplex. Pretty nasty if done right. (Generally lame, though.) The match has a hot ending, however, as Shawn sells like a champ before reversing a slam attempt into a pin. Ending looked a bit messed up for some reason. *1/2 – Mean Gene brings out the LOD and Paul Ellering for a *lengthy* interview. This was the precursor to Rocco, which I pray will never be spoken of again. By anyone. – Jake Roberts v. The Undertaker. Now *this* is how you bury a guy whose contract is up. This is shortly after the UT’s face turn, and he’s getting mega-pops even then. This is the “final justice” match for all the bad stuff Jake did during his “Trust me” run, and boy does he *ever* get his. UT no-sells everything and then some, including the DDT, and easily pins Jake after tombstoning him on the floor. An utter and complete slaughter. DUD, but a satisfying one for those sick of Jake’s heel tactics. (In hindsight, Jake made the worst decision of his career when he decided to hold up Vince for more money and jump to WCW. 2-0 for Undertaker!) – WWF Intercontinental title: Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart. Piper had substituted for Bret at the Royal Rumble, winning the I-C title from the Mountie, who had in turn won the title from Bret a few days prior. So now Bret and Piper fight. (I definitely used to take “Brevity is the soul of wit” to heart.) This is a lesson in ring psychology, as Bret and Roddy play mindgames with each other the entire match. Bret debuts the “goldbricking” routine that Diesel fell victim to at Survivor Series 1995. Bret juices, just for the hell of it. (Although he told everyone that it was accidental, wink wink.) Piper works very stiff here, with noticeable results. Ref gets bumped and Piper teases a heel turn with the ringbell before the fans change his mind. He goes for the sleeper instead, but Bret walks the ropes and rolls through for the pin and the title. **** Piper’s best match in the WWF, IMO. Piper and Hart do the Babyface Embrace after the match. (Way to short-shrift this match, Scott.) – Bobby introduces us to “future WBF champion” Lex Luger. Whoever thought the WBF was a good idea? Oh, yeah, same guy who thought the XFL is. (And the WWE Network. And WWE Films. Although now I’m wondering when I wrote this, because it’s lacking match times and meaningful recapping, but I’m making XFL jokes here which would place it in 2001 when I should have been doing both of those things.) – The Nasty Boys & Repo Man & The Mountie v. Jim Duggan & Sgt. Slaughter & Virgil & Big Bossman. Oh, wow, it’s the “8 suckiest guys in wrestling today in the same match” match. Okay, that’s not fair — Jacques Rougeau isn’t that bad. Ray Combs does a lame ring introduction, mocking the heels. Hold on! Shawn Michaels has left the building. Whew, I feel better now. This is not as incredibly bad as you might think it is, which is to say it’s not quite a DUD. Virgil pins Knobs after a miscommunication spot. 1/2* – WWF World title: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage. This is the blowoff for the “She was mine before she was yours” feud. I never really cared for the “sign the match, then add the angle” approach to this, but it won Feud of the Year or Angle of the Year or something on RSPW, so I guess many disagreed with me. This is arguably Savage’s last really great match in the WWF, with the possible exception of Savage v. Warrior from Summerslam 1992. Super-hot crowd. Perfect is almost Togo-ish in his TOTAL DICKHOOD~! (See, again, I’m all over Dick Togo’s jock here, which would place this in my Michinoku Pro fanboy phase around 1999. I’m confused.) Flair blades, and I was half-expecting Savage to join him in a sympathy blade, but no dice. (Yeah, and Flair got REAMED by Vince after the match for doing that, so no wonder Savage didn’t follow suit.) Flair dominates, but Savage makes the superhero comeback and destroys Flair, finally hitting the big elbow. But Perfect yanks him out of the ring to make the save. What a jerk (You know it’s a good character when you can still sit back years later and think he’s a total jerk for doing that). Flair tries the old brass knucks, but Savage kicks out. They cheat outrageously some more, allowing Flair to get the figure-four. He destroys Savage’s knee unmercifully, but stalls one time too many and allows Savage to roll him up out of nowhere for the pin and title. ****1/4 Great match. Flair goes after Liz and a wild brawl erupts. Savage finally gets his moment of glory, without You-Know-Who posing in the background. Good for him. – Flair gives a classic ranting and raving interview, where he conveniently ignores the 14 or so rule violations committed by himself and focuses on Savage’s pulling of the tights. – Savage responds with his own psychotic interview. Great feud. – We pretty much go downhill from there. – Rick Martel v. Tatanka. Tatanka was getting the Maivia-level push at this time, despite his near-total lack of talent. (Again, Rocky Maivia references, so this would be 98-99. I wonder if I edited that XFL joke in later?) Nothing match here, only there to put Tatanka over. T-t-t-t-t-t-tanka rolls through a body block for the pin. *1/2 – WWF Tag Team Title: Money, Inc. v. The Natural Disasters. Jimmy Hart had recently swerved the Disasters and gone over to Dibiase & IRS, setting up this match. Earthquake and Typhoon basically mop the ring with the champs for a few minutes, before they run away, giving the Disasters a countout win. DUD Well, one screwjob so far ain’t bad. (This was supposed to be Money Inc v. Legion of Doom as I recall, but Hawk was falling fast.) – Owen Hart v. Skinner. Could’ve been good, but time constraints dictated otherwise. (Much like this rant, apparently. Was I rushing through this or what?) Skinner gets a few big moves in quickly, but Owen kicks out and rolls him up for a very quick pin. DUD – Main Event: Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice. Standard “Hogan gets betrayed” blowoff match. The formula was getting very old by this point. Kick and punch, heel gets the Big Move, Hogan kicks out and Hulks Up, boot, legdrop. Except he doesn’t get the pin — Papa Shango was supposed to run in and break up the count, but he didn’t make down in time and Sid was forced to kick out. Oops. It wasn’t a shoot, despite popular opinion on the ‘net. Sid & Shango put the beats on Hogan until…THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR RUNS IN! Wow, was this an electrifying moment when it happened. Incredible way to end the show, as Hogan and Warrior pose in happier times. Match is maybe 1/4* I shudder to think how bad it can get next month. (See, there I’m referencing the impending Hogan v. Warrior match at Halloween Havoc 98, so I must have edited that XFL line in at a later date. I hate it when people mess with my mind, especially when it’s me.) The Bottom Line: One of the most memorable Wrestlemanias, and for good reason. Two ****+ matches and the biggest surprise ending ever. Wow. Required viewing material for all wrestling fans, I think. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VIII – Live from Indianapolis, IN. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Bobby Heenan. – Opening match: Shawn Michaels v. Tito Santana. Shawn brings new meaning to “classy” by wearing a jacket that says “I’m too sexy for this crowd”, thus not only being a jerk, but also making an incredibly dated reference. Very weird hearing Sherri sing “Sexy Boy” instead of Shawn. Shoving match to start and Tito wins a slugfest and gets a quick crossbody for two. He grabs a headlock on Shawn and holds on, but Shawn slugs out and they criss-cross until Tito clotheslines him to the floor. Back in, Tito goes back to the headlock, but Shawn pounds him in the corner to escape and slugs away. Tito reverses him into the other corner and outsmarts Shawn, going back to the headlock. He gets two off that a few times, hanging on tight. Small package gets two. Back to the headlock for two. Shawn tosses him to escape, as Tito takes a good bump over the top and Shawn pounds him on the apron. Back in, backbreaker gets two. We hit the chinlock, and Tito fights out of it, but walks into the superkick. Since that didn’t get established as his finisher until 1995, it’s not over yet. Shawn goes for his real finisher, the teardrop suplex, but Tito fights out of it. He puts his head down too soon and gets nailed, but comes back with the flying jalapeno and Shawn goes for a ride right out of the ring. They brawl on the floor and Tito brings him back in for a slingshot shoulderblock. Kneelift sends Shawn flying into the corner, and an atomic drop sets up El Pace With Extra Piquante, but Shawn takes a powder to the floor. Back to the apron and Tito goes to slam him back in, but Shawn shifts his weight and gets the pin at 10:37. I assume Sherri was supposed to be cheating there or something, but it didn’t work out that way. Still, good match, although not “HBK” level good. *** (Same basic match recap as before, with the same observations and beats, but much more expanded now. And usually I’m not sitting there reading my old stuff and copying it, I just make the same observations again and think I’m saying something fresh and original.) – Mean Gene re-introduces the LOD, in the storyline that would bring Paul Ellering to the WWF…and Rocco the dummy. Don’t ask. (See?) – Jake Roberts v. Undertaker. This was just after Undertaker’s face turn, as he saved Elizabeth from Roberts, and it was Jake’s last match in the WWF before jumping to WCW. Jake evades him to start and slugs away, to no effect. Another shot puts Taker on the floor, but he pulls Jake out with him and proceeds to ass-kicking. Back in, Jake kneelifts him coming through the ropes and keeps punching, but that gets him nowhere, as UT calmly chokes him out in the corner and won’t let him leave. Well, it’s no TRIANGLE choke, but you could see the MMA influence already starting! Okay, I made that up. Yeah, more choking. Taker drops an elbow and gets the flying clothesline, but Jake DDTs him. Taker no-sells and keeps choking, so Jake hits him with a short clothesline and another DDT. And it’s zombie sit-up #2 while Jake goes after Paul Bearer, which pisses Undertaker off enough that he tombstones Jake on the floor, and tosses him back in for the pin at 6:41. That was basically Jake passing the “creepy babyface” torch to Undertaker, and I guess it worked. ½* – Intercontinental title: Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart. This was of course set up by the Mountie being an unlikely transition champion, beating Bret at a house show and losing the title to Piper at Royal Rumble, so with Bret demanding his mandatory rematch, this was the result. They fight over a lockup and Piper armdrags him. Another lockup, and now Bret gets the armdrag. Piper takes him down to the mat and Bret sends him to the floor to escape, and a shoving match results. Piper asks for the test of strength, although considering Piper looks like he weighs a buck-fifty as this point I don’t know how smart that is. (Yeah, Piper suddenly going off the roids in 92 made for quite the visual contrast to his younger and juicier days.) They trade wristlocks off that and Piper throws a chop, but can’t break free. He rams Bret into the corner to get out, but Bret goes back to it again and yanks Piper to the mat for an armbar. Piper escapes, so Bret dropkicks him, and hurts his shoulder on the bump. Piper is concerned…until Bret cradles for two. Ha! Piper gives him a slap for being sneakier than him, and now it’s on. Criss-cross and they tumble out on a Bret crossbody. Piper offers him save haven back in, and Bret takes it. But then Piper suckerpunches him. He stomps away as Bret blades (and later lied about it to prevent punishment for it) and Piper bulldogs him for two. Piper works on the cut and kneelifts him for two. He socks Bret right in the cut, but Bret gets a sunset flip for two. Piper keeps on the cut and peppers it with punches, for two. They slug it out and Bret forearms him out to the floor, but he heads right back in and they clothesline each other. Piper recovers first and goes up, but Bret was also goldbricking and crotches him, then brings him down by the hair. Atomic drop and suplex get two. Russian legsweep gets two. Backbreaker and he goes for the Sharpshooter, but Piper blocks it, so Bret drops an elbow on him and goes up, hitting boot on the way down. They slug it out and Bret headlocks him, but the ref is bumped. They fight outside and Bret eats stairs, and Piper grabs the bell. The crowd completely freaks out, not wanting to see Piper turn heel on him, but Piper shows mercy and leaves it alone, opting for the sleeper instead. However, that costs him the title, as Bret pushes off the ropes and rolls over for the pin and the title at 13:49, a move that he would later bring back to beat Steve Austin in 1996. Piper teases another heel turn, and then does the right thing and straps the title on Bret. This was not only a great match, but one of the only clean jobs Piper did in his WWF career. **** (You know who else he did a clean job to? Jimmy Superfly Snuka! Yes, that’s right, the father of current diva Tamina Snuka, in case you hadn’t heard.) (Yeah, I got another Snuka joke in there. Because I’m a PROFESSIONAL.) – Bobby Heenan introduces us to the newest WBF superstar, Lex Luger. Never heard of him. – Big Bossman, Sgt. Slaughter, Virgil & Hacksaw Duggan v. Mountie, The Nasty Boys & Repo Man. Our running dead people tally continues, as Ray Combs does the ring introductions here. Big brawl to start, as the faces send the heels running and quadruple-team Repo Man. We start proper with Sags and Duggan, as Sags attacks him from behind and rams him into the turnbuckle, but Duggan comes back with a pair of clotheslines and an atomic drop. Slaughter, a year removed from being an Iraqi turncoat in the main event (Biggest fall from main event glory: This, Bundy at Wrestlemania III, or Savage at Wrestlemania VI?), gets a gutbuster on Knobs and Bossman follows with a big boot. He slugs away in the corner, but misses a charge, and Repo Man comes in and dodges a splash. He jumps on the back a few times, but lands on Bossman’s fist in an awkward place and Bossman slugs him down and brings in Virgil. Dropkick and he goes up with a high cross for two. The Mountie lays him out from behind and Repo gets a backdrop suplex and suckers Duggan in, allowing for some shenanigans. Sags gets a pumphandle slam for two. Mountie comes in and gets caught by Bossman with a spinebuster, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Knobs punches Virgil in the broken nose, but heel miscommunication results in Virgil pinning him at 6:31. Total mess. ½* – WWF title match: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage. This is the famous “she was mine before she was yours” angle that would have been 100x better (and that’s saying something) if they had come up with it BEFORE the match was booked. On the other hand, you could just argue that Flair was playing mindgames with Savage after he found out he’d be defending against him. Savage beats on Flair outside to start, but gets distracted by Perfect, allowing Flair to start chopping. Savage hits him with a clothesline and knees him into the corner, then follows with a clothesline and a back elbow for two. He goes to the eyes, drawing the attention of the ref, but charges Flair and gets backdropped to the floor as a result. Flair follows and stomps on the knee, and back in he keeps stomping on Savage. Into the corner for some chops to set up a delayed suplex, which gets two. Backdrop suplex gets two. He whips Savage around and into a chop for two. Kneedrop and Savage bails to take a breather, so Flair follows and rams the back into the apron. Back in, suplex gets two. Flair whips him into the corner again to stay on the back, and stomps him down in the corner. They slug it out as Savage comes back, and a neckbreaker draws the double count. Flair goes for a running punch, but Savage blocks and slugs him into the corner, allowing Flair to go up, but Savage slams him off and makes the comeback. Backdrop out of the corner and a pair of clotheslines, and it’s a Flair Flip, as Savage slams him off the top for two. Savage comes back with a clothesline to put Flair on the floor, and follows with a double axehandle that sends Flair into the railing, and he blades. Flair wasn’t smart enough to claim it was hardway, like Bret did, so he was fined and very nearly fired for it. Savage suplexes him on the floor and pounds on him back in the ring, then follows with the double axehandle for two. Up top for the flying elbow, but Perfect pulls out Savage at two. Savage, understandably, is upset and chases after him, but that allows Flair to grab an international object and nail Savage with it for two. Flair gets frustrated and pounds away, then chokes him down, allowing Perfect to ram a chair into his knee behind the ref’s back. And now, WHOO, we go to school, but Elizabeth heads down to ringside to provide support as Flair gets the figure-four. The heat is just insane at this point. Flair slaps him around when he won’t stay down, but Savage fights back and reverses it. Flair breaks the hold, but stays on the knee, until Savage gets a small package for two. Into the corner, as Flair hits on Liz and beats on the knee, into a kneecrusher, but he gives one “whoo” too many and Savage rolls him up for the pin with a handful of tights at 18:01 to win his second WWF title. Started slow, but once they got into the groove, they had the crowd in the palm of their hands with great near-falls and crazy heat. ****1/4 Flair gives Liz a goodbye kiss, and Savage goes nuts on him, triggering a huge brawl until the refs pull them apart. Sadly, we would never see the naked centerfold of Elizabeth promised in the buildup by Perfect & Flair. (The guy next to me in the lounge, after witnessing one of the great Wrestlemania matches in history up to that point, got upset and ranted to me about how the match was too short and Flair had only ever lost the title in 30 minute marathons up to that point, as though the WWF was regularly in the habit of giving ANYONE 20 minutes at a time.) – Rick Martel v. Tatanka. This was fairly early in Tatanka’s run, although he would go on to draw pretty decent money against Yokozuna of all people in 1993, before self-destructing. Tatanka slams Martel and chases him from the ring while Bobby Heenan goes ballistic on Monsoon over the last match. Martel misses a charge back in the ring and Tatanka works on the arm, but gets taken down by Martel with a choke. He tosses Tatanka and they head back in, as Martel uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and a backbreaker, but goes up and gets crotched for his troubles. Tatanka comes back with chops and a backdrop, chopping him down. Martel catches him with slam, however, and clotheslines him, but Tatanka finishes with a crossbody at 4:30. Weak. ¾* – WWF tag title match: Money Inc. v. The Natural Disasters. Dibiase starts with Quake and gets overpowered. The Disasters clean house on them and the champs regroup. Back in, and the Disasters work on IRS’s arm, and Typhoon hiptosses him. IRS tries to bail, but gets caught by the tie and rammed into the turnbuckles. Typhoon charges and misses, however, and Dibiase comes in, but gets whipped into the corner, too. Typhoon charges and hits the floor, however, and Dibiase hammers away in the corner, and Money Inc gets the double-team clothesline for two. Double back elbow and IRS goes to the front facelock, and it’s a false tag to Earthquake. Dibiase gets two on Typhoon in the meantime. Double clothesline, crowd still doesn’t care. I never got why the Disasters were turned into the big babyface team of 1992, since they were never particularly over and didn’t have particularly good matches. “Hot” tag Earthquake, and he clotheslines everyone and dumps Dibiase. Typhoon splashes IRS and Quake goes for the butt splash, but Dibiase pulls IRS out and they take a walk at 8:37. Slow, dull match with a really bad finish. * – Owen Hart v. Skinner. Skinner sprays him with tobacco juice to catch him off-guard, and gets a shoulderbreaker. Inverted DDT gets two. He adds some headbutts, but Owen skins the cat after getting tossed, and rolls him up for the pin at 1:10. Not one of Owen’s best matches. DUD – Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice. This was SUPPOSED to be Hogan’s retirement match, but he just kept coming back. The show is running long at this point, too. Sid attacks him to start, and Hogan punches him out of the ring and finishes his posing. We start proper as Sid knees him in the gut and pounds away in the corner. Hogan slugs him out of the ring. Back in, Sid calls for the test of strength like every other idiot heel in WWF history, and gets Hogan down to his knees, but he fights back up again. Sid takes him into the corner with knees, and chokeslams him. Sid stops to give his “Do unto the man…” line to the camera and the match is suddenly 10x better, since Sid isn’t doing anything. He uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and Hogan bails, so Sid follows and hits him with Harvey’s medical bag. Wonder if that was George Zahorian’s bag? Back in, Sid uses the VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM as I go change my laundry. Hogan fights out, so Sid sideslams him and powerbombs him, but it’s Hulk Up Time, punch punch punch big boot legdrop…and then a very interesting moment as Papa Shango was supposed to run in and break up the count, but misses his cue, forcing Sid to kick out. (That was a double-cross on Hogan, in fact. Obviously they backed the wrong horse in retrospect.) That was to protect Sid, but in retrospect they needn’t have bothered, since he was gone weeks later anyway. It’s a DQ at 12:26 for no adequately explored reason, and Papa Shango finally gets out there for the beatdown…until Ultimate Warrior makes a shocking return and blows the roof off the place. Good thing they had his music ready. Well, Hogan’s good Wrestlemania match streak ends at 3. ¼* Some cosmetic changes to Warrior had people guessing that it wasn’t Jim Hellwig, but believe me, I wasn’t that lucky. – By the way, the tape closes with an apology from Coliseum video for advertising a Bulldog v. Berzerker match on the box that didn’t happen. While it’s nice they would actually acknowledge their own false advertising for once (the show was running long and the match was ditched), there’s not really any apology needed for THAT cut. The Bottom Line: Another one of my favorite Wrestlemanias, with two great matches and one stinker of a main event that at least had one of the biggest surprise endings in WM history to bail it out somewhat. But it’s definitely worth a look. Highly recommended.
Wrestlemania Countdown: 8
8th March 2012 by Scott Keith
(2012 Scott sez: OK, I’m pretty sure we’ve reached the point where there’s a maximum of two versions of each rant to slog through.) The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VIII – Live from Indianapolis, Indiana. Original airdate: April 5, 1992 – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan.– Personal reminiscence: This was the last Wrestlemania that I had to watch on closed-circuit TV rather than PPV, because in 1992 Edmonton finally got PPV capability. In this case, the only place close that was showing it was a hotel in a rather out-of-the-way chunk of Edmonton called Sherwood Park. Sadly, I can’t even remember the name of it now. But I did get a cool Wrestlemania logo mug, which I proudly retain and use to this day. (Sadly, that mug disappeared sometime in 2004 during my move from Edmonton to Saskatoon. I suspect someone tried to mix painkillers and alcohol in it.) Anyway, there ended up being a couple of hundred people packed into a ballroom that was only expecting 40 or 50, and the atmosphere for the show in that room alone was pretty awesome. – Opening match: Tito Santana v. Shawn Michaels. The more things change, the more they really, really change. This was the end of Santana’s WWF career and the beginning of Shawn’s rise to the top. Good choice for the opener. Michaels and Sherri are nowhere near over yet, despite the coolest jacket ever: “I’m too sexy for this crowd.” (You’ll note my perspective on that jacket changes with about 5 years of hindsight.) And “Sexy Boy” sounds so weird still being sung by Sherri. Sherri looks skanky and pudgy as ever, so nice to know some things are constant. It’s funny comparing then and now, actually — I didn’t buy Michaels as any kind of legit title threat until 1994, and I certainly didn’t buy him as a possible World champion until he almost won the thing from Diesel in 1995. Quite a bit of stalling and a few good bumps from Shawn about sum this one up. Another “then and now” moment: The main event, the show stopper, the scene stealer, the ICON…in the opening match? Side-headlocks a go-go from Tito. Shawn hits the Sweet Chin Music at one point, but the move isn’t over yet so does minimal damage. He was using the teardrop suplex at this point, btw, and for those who ask a teardrop suplex is, for lack of a better description, a released backdrop suplex. Pretty nasty if done right. (Generally lame, though.) The match has a hot ending, however, as Shawn sells like a champ before reversing a slam attempt into a pin. Ending looked a bit messed up for some reason. *1/2 – Mean Gene brings out the LOD and Paul Ellering for a *lengthy* interview. This was the precursor to Rocco, which I pray will never be spoken of again. By anyone. – Jake Roberts v. The Undertaker. Now *this* is how you bury a guy whose contract is up. This is shortly after the UT’s face turn, and he’s getting mega-pops even then. This is the “final justice” match for all the bad stuff Jake did during his “Trust me” run, and boy does he *ever* get his. UT no-sells everything and then some, including the DDT, and easily pins Jake after tombstoning him on the floor. An utter and complete slaughter. DUD, but a satisfying one for those sick of Jake’s heel tactics. (In hindsight, Jake made the worst decision of his career when he decided to hold up Vince for more money and jump to WCW. 2-0 for Undertaker!) – WWF Intercontinental title: Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart. Piper had substituted for Bret at the Royal Rumble, winning the I-C title from the Mountie, who had in turn won the title from Bret a few days prior. So now Bret and Piper fight. (I definitely used to take “Brevity is the soul of wit” to heart.) This is a lesson in ring psychology, as Bret and Roddy play mindgames with each other the entire match. Bret debuts the “goldbricking” routine that Diesel fell victim to at Survivor Series 1995. Bret juices, just for the hell of it. (Although he told everyone that it was accidental, wink wink.) Piper works very stiff here, with noticeable results. Ref gets bumped and Piper teases a heel turn with the ringbell before the fans change his mind. He goes for the sleeper instead, but Bret walks the ropes and rolls through for the pin and the title. **** Piper’s best match in the WWF, IMO. Piper and Hart do the Babyface Embrace after the match. (Way to short-shrift this match, Scott.) – Bobby introduces us to “future WBF champion” Lex Luger. Whoever thought the WBF was a good idea? Oh, yeah, same guy who thought the XFL is. (And the WWE Network. And WWE Films. Although now I’m wondering when I wrote this, because it’s lacking match times and meaningful recapping, but I’m making XFL jokes here which would place it in 2001 when I should have been doing both of those things.) – The Nasty Boys & Repo Man & The Mountie v. Jim Duggan & Sgt. Slaughter & Virgil & Big Bossman. Oh, wow, it’s the “8 suckiest guys in wrestling today in the same match” match. Okay, that’s not fair — Jacques Rougeau isn’t that bad. Ray Combs does a lame ring introduction, mocking the heels. Hold on! Shawn Michaels has left the building. Whew, I feel better now. This is not as incredibly bad as you might think it is, which is to say it’s not quite a DUD. Virgil pins Knobs after a miscommunication spot. 1/2* – WWF World title: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage. This is the blowoff for the “She was mine before she was yours” feud. I never really cared for the “sign the match, then add the angle” approach to this, but it won Feud of the Year or Angle of the Year or something on RSPW, so I guess many disagreed with me. This is arguably Savage’s last really great match in the WWF, with the possible exception of Savage v. Warrior from Summerslam 1992. Super-hot crowd. Perfect is almost Togo-ish in his TOTAL DICKHOOD~! (See, again, I’m all over Dick Togo’s jock here, which would place this in my Michinoku Pro fanboy phase around 1999. I’m confused.) Flair blades, and I was half-expecting Savage to join him in a sympathy blade, but no dice. (Yeah, and Flair got REAMED by Vince after the match for doing that, so no wonder Savage didn’t follow suit.) Flair dominates, but Savage makes the superhero comeback and destroys Flair, finally hitting the big elbow. But Perfect yanks him out of the ring to make the save. What a jerk (You know it’s a good character when you can still sit back years later and think he’s a total jerk for doing that). Flair tries the old brass knucks, but Savage kicks out. They cheat outrageously some more, allowing Flair to get the figure-four. He destroys Savage’s knee unmercifully, but stalls one time too many and allows Savage to roll him up out of nowhere for the pin and title. ****1/4 Great match. Flair goes after Liz and a wild brawl erupts. Savage finally gets his moment of glory, without You-Know-Who posing in the background. Good for him. – Flair gives a classic ranting and raving interview, where he conveniently ignores the 14 or so rule violations committed by himself and focuses on Savage’s pulling of the tights. – Savage responds with his own psychotic interview. Great feud. – We pretty much go downhill from there. – Rick Martel v. Tatanka. Tatanka was getting the Maivia-level push at this time, despite his near-total lack of talent. (Again, Rocky Maivia references, so this would be 98-99. I wonder if I edited that XFL joke in later?) Nothing match here, only there to put Tatanka over. T-t-t-t-t-t-tanka rolls through a body block for the pin. *1/2 – WWF Tag Team Title: Money, Inc. v. The Natural Disasters. Jimmy Hart had recently swerved the Disasters and gone over to Dibiase & IRS, setting up this match. Earthquake and Typhoon basically mop the ring with the champs for a few minutes, before they run away, giving the Disasters a countout win. DUD Well, one screwjob so far ain’t bad. (This was supposed to be Money Inc v. Legion of Doom as I recall, but Hawk was falling fast.) – Owen Hart v. Skinner. Could’ve been good, but time constraints dictated otherwise. (Much like this rant, apparently. Was I rushing through this or what?) Skinner gets a few big moves in quickly, but Owen kicks out and rolls him up for a very quick pin. DUD – Main Event: Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice. Standard “Hogan gets betrayed” blowoff match. The formula was getting very old by this point. Kick and punch, heel gets the Big Move, Hogan kicks out and Hulks Up, boot, legdrop. Except he doesn’t get the pin — Papa Shango was supposed to run in and break up the count, but he didn’t make down in time and Sid was forced to kick out. Oops. It wasn’t a shoot, despite popular opinion on the ‘net. Sid & Shango put the beats on Hogan until…THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR RUNS IN! Wow, was this an electrifying moment when it happened. Incredible way to end the show, as Hogan and Warrior pose in happier times. Match is maybe 1/4* I shudder to think how bad it can get next month. (See, there I’m referencing the impending Hogan v. Warrior match at Halloween Havoc 98, so I must have edited that XFL line in at a later date. I hate it when people mess with my mind, especially when it’s me.) The Bottom Line: One of the most memorable Wrestlemanias, and for good reason. Two ****+ matches and the biggest surprise ending ever. Wow. Required viewing material for all wrestling fans, I think. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VIII – Live from Indianapolis, IN. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Bobby Heenan. – Opening match: Shawn Michaels v. Tito Santana. Shawn brings new meaning to “classy” by wearing a jacket that says “I’m too sexy for this crowd”, thus not only being a jerk, but also making an incredibly dated reference. Very weird hearing Sherri sing “Sexy Boy” instead of Shawn. Shoving match to start and Tito wins a slugfest and gets a quick crossbody for two. He grabs a headlock on Shawn and holds on, but Shawn slugs out and they criss-cross until Tito clotheslines him to the floor. Back in, Tito goes back to the headlock, but Shawn pounds him in the corner to escape and slugs away. Tito reverses him into the other corner and outsmarts Shawn, going back to the headlock. He gets two off that a few times, hanging on tight. Small package gets two. Back to the headlock for two. Shawn tosses him to escape, as Tito takes a good bump over the top and Shawn pounds him on the apron. Back in, backbreaker gets two. We hit the chinlock, and Tito fights out of it, but walks into the superkick. Since that didn’t get established as his finisher until 1995, it’s not over yet. Shawn goes for his real finisher, the teardrop suplex, but Tito fights out of it. He puts his head down too soon and gets nailed, but comes back with the flying jalapeno and Shawn goes for a ride right out of the ring. They brawl on the floor and Tito brings him back in for a slingshot shoulderblock. Kneelift sends Shawn flying into the corner, and an atomic drop sets up El Pace With Extra Piquante, but Shawn takes a powder to the floor. Back to the apron and Tito goes to slam him back in, but Shawn shifts his weight and gets the pin at 10:37. I assume Sherri was supposed to be cheating there or something, but it didn’t work out that way. Still, good match, although not “HBK” level good. *** (Same basic match recap as before, with the same observations and beats, but much more expanded now. And usually I’m not sitting there reading my old stuff and copying it, I just make the same observations again and think I’m saying something fresh and original.) – Mean Gene re-introduces the LOD, in the storyline that would bring Paul Ellering to the WWF…and Rocco the dummy. Don’t ask. (See?) – Jake Roberts v. Undertaker. This was just after Undertaker’s face turn, as he saved Elizabeth from Roberts, and it was Jake’s last match in the WWF before jumping to WCW. Jake evades him to start and slugs away, to no effect. Another shot puts Taker on the floor, but he pulls Jake out with him and proceeds to ass-kicking. Back in, Jake kneelifts him coming through the ropes and keeps punching, but that gets him nowhere, as UT calmly chokes him out in the corner and won’t let him leave. Well, it’s no TRIANGLE choke, but you could see the MMA influence already starting! Okay, I made that up. Yeah, more choking. Taker drops an elbow and gets the flying clothesline, but Jake DDTs him. Taker no-sells and keeps choking, so Jake hits him with a short clothesline and another DDT. And it’s zombie sit-up #2 while Jake goes after Paul Bearer, which pisses Undertaker off enough that he tombstones Jake on the floor, and tosses him back in for the pin at 6:41. That was basically Jake passing the “creepy babyface” torch to Undertaker, and I guess it worked. ½* – Intercontinental title: Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart. This was of course set up by the Mountie being an unlikely transition champion, beating Bret at a house show and losing the title to Piper at Royal Rumble, so with Bret demanding his mandatory rematch, this was the result. They fight over a lockup and Piper armdrags him. Another lockup, and now Bret gets the armdrag. Piper takes him down to the mat and Bret sends him to the floor to escape, and a shoving match results. Piper asks for the test of strength, although considering Piper looks like he weighs a buck-fifty as this point I don’t know how smart that is. (Yeah, Piper suddenly going off the roids in 92 made for quite the visual contrast to his younger and juicier days.) They trade wristlocks off that and Piper throws a chop, but can’t break free. He rams Bret into the corner to get out, but Bret goes back to it again and yanks Piper to the mat for an armbar. Piper escapes, so Bret dropkicks him, and hurts his shoulder on the bump. Piper is concerned…until Bret cradles for two. Ha! Piper gives him a slap for being sneakier than him, and now it’s on. Criss-cross and they tumble out on a Bret crossbody. Piper offers him save haven back in, and Bret takes it. But then Piper suckerpunches him. He stomps away as Bret blades (and later lied about it to prevent punishment for it) and Piper bulldogs him for two. Piper works on the cut and kneelifts him for two. He socks Bret right in the cut, but Bret gets a sunset flip for two. Piper keeps on the cut and peppers it with punches, for two. They slug it out and Bret forearms him out to the floor, but he heads right back in and they clothesline each other. Piper recovers first and goes up, but Bret was also goldbricking and crotches him, then brings him down by the hair. Atomic drop and suplex get two. Russian legsweep gets two. Backbreaker and he goes for the Sharpshooter, but Piper blocks it, so Bret drops an elbow on him and goes up, hitting boot on the way down. They slug it out and Bret headlocks him, but the ref is bumped. They fight outside and Bret eats stairs, and Piper grabs the bell. The crowd completely freaks out, not wanting to see Piper turn heel on him, but Piper shows mercy and leaves it alone, opting for the sleeper instead. However, that costs him the title, as Bret pushes off the ropes and rolls over for the pin and the title at 13:49, a move that he would later bring back to beat Steve Austin in 1996. Piper teases another heel turn, and then does the right thing and straps the title on Bret. This was not only a great match, but one of the only clean jobs Piper did in his WWF career. **** (You know who else he did a clean job to? Jimmy Superfly Snuka! Yes, that’s right, the father of current diva Tamina Snuka, in case you hadn’t heard.) (Yeah, I got another Snuka joke in there. Because I’m a PROFESSIONAL.) – Bobby Heenan introduces us to the newest WBF superstar, Lex Luger. Never heard of him. – Big Bossman, Sgt. Slaughter, Virgil & Hacksaw Duggan v. Mountie, The Nasty Boys & Repo Man. Our running dead people tally continues, as Ray Combs does the ring introductions here. Big brawl to start, as the faces send the heels running and quadruple-team Repo Man. We start proper with Sags and Duggan, as Sags attacks him from behind and rams him into the turnbuckle, but Duggan comes back with a pair of clotheslines and an atomic drop. Slaughter, a year removed from being an Iraqi turncoat in the main event (Biggest fall from main event glory: This, Bundy at Wrestlemania III, or Savage at Wrestlemania VI?), gets a gutbuster on Knobs and Bossman follows with a big boot. He slugs away in the corner, but misses a charge, and Repo Man comes in and dodges a splash. He jumps on the back a few times, but lands on Bossman’s fist in an awkward place and Bossman slugs him down and brings in Virgil. Dropkick and he goes up with a high cross for two. The Mountie lays him out from behind and Repo gets a backdrop suplex and suckers Duggan in, allowing for some shenanigans. Sags gets a pumphandle slam for two. Mountie comes in and gets caught by Bossman with a spinebuster, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Knobs punches Virgil in the broken nose, but heel miscommunication results in Virgil pinning him at 6:31. Total mess. ½* – WWF title match: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage. This is the famous “she was mine before she was yours” angle that would have been 100x better (and that’s saying something) if they had come up with it BEFORE the match was booked. On the other hand, you could just argue that Flair was playing mindgames with Savage after he found out he’d be defending against him. Savage beats on Flair outside to start, but gets distracted by Perfect, allowing Flair to start chopping. Savage hits him with a clothesline and knees him into the corner, then follows with a clothesline and a back elbow for two. He goes to the eyes, drawing the attention of the ref, but charges Flair and gets backdropped to the floor as a result. Flair follows and stomps on the knee, and back in he keeps stomping on Savage. Into the corner for some chops to set up a delayed suplex, which gets two. Backdrop suplex gets two. He whips Savage around and into a chop for two. Kneedrop and Savage bails to take a breather, so Flair follows and rams the back into the apron. Back in, suplex gets two. Flair whips him into the corner again to stay on the back, and stomps him down in the corner. They slug it out as Savage comes back, and a neckbreaker draws the double count. Flair goes for a running punch, but Savage blocks and slugs him into the corner, allowing Flair to go up, but Savage slams him off and makes the comeback. Backdrop out of the corner and a pair of clotheslines, and it’s a Flair Flip, as Savage slams him off the top for two. Savage comes back with a clothesline to put Flair on the floor, and follows with a double axehandle that sends Flair into the railing, and he blades. Flair wasn’t smart enough to claim it was hardway, like Bret did, so he was fined and very nearly fired for it. Savage suplexes him on the floor and pounds on him back in the ring, then follows with the double axehandle for two. Up top for the flying elbow, but Perfect pulls out Savage at two. Savage, understandably, is upset and chases after him, but that allows Flair to grab an international object and nail Savage with it for two. Flair gets frustrated and pounds away, then chokes him down, allowing Perfect to ram a chair into his knee behind the ref’s back. And now, WHOO, we go to school, but Elizabeth heads down to ringside to provide support as Flair gets the figure-four. The heat is just insane at this point. Flair slaps him around when he won’t stay down, but Savage fights back and reverses it. Flair breaks the hold, but stays on the knee, until Savage gets a small package for two. Into the corner, as Flair hits on Liz and beats on the knee, into a kneecrusher, but he gives one “whoo” too many and Savage rolls him up for the pin with a handful of tights at 18:01 to win his second WWF title. Started slow, but once they got into the groove, they had the crowd in the palm of their hands with great near-falls and crazy heat. ****1/4 Flair gives Liz a goodbye kiss, and Savage goes nuts on him, triggering a huge brawl until the refs pull them apart. Sadly, we would never see the naked centerfold of Elizabeth promised in the buildup by Perfect & Flair. (The guy next to me in the lounge, after witnessing one of the great Wrestlemania matches in history up to that point, got upset and ranted to me about how the match was too short and Flair had only ever lost the title in 30 minute marathons up to that point, as though the WWF was regularly in the habit of giving ANYONE 20 minutes at a time.) – Rick Martel v. Tatanka. This was fairly early in Tatanka’s run, although he would go on to draw pretty decent money against Yokozuna of all people in 1993, before self-destructing. Tatanka slams Martel and chases him from the ring while Bobby Heenan goes ballistic on Monsoon over the last match. Martel misses a charge back in the ring and Tatanka works on the arm, but gets taken down by Martel with a choke. He tosses Tatanka and they head back in, as Martel uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and a backbreaker, but goes up and gets crotched for his troubles. Tatanka comes back with chops and a backdrop, chopping him down. Martel catches him with slam, however, and clotheslines him, but Tatanka finishes with a crossbody at 4:30. Weak. ¾* – WWF tag title match: Money Inc. v. The Natural Disasters. Dibiase starts with Quake and gets overpowered. The Disasters clean house on them and the champs regroup. Back in, and the Disasters work on IRS’s arm, and Typhoon hiptosses him. IRS tries to bail, but gets caught by the tie and rammed into the turnbuckles. Typhoon charges and misses, however, and Dibiase comes in, but gets whipped into the corner, too. Typhoon charges and hits the floor, however, and Dibiase hammers away in the corner, and Money Inc gets the double-team clothesline for two. Double back elbow and IRS goes to the front facelock, and it’s a false tag to Earthquake. Dibiase gets two on Typhoon in the meantime. Double clothesline, crowd still doesn’t care. I never got why the Disasters were turned into the big babyface team of 1992, since they were never particularly over and didn’t have particularly good matches. “Hot” tag Earthquake, and he clotheslines everyone and dumps Dibiase. Typhoon splashes IRS and Quake goes for the butt splash, but Dibiase pulls IRS out and they take a walk at 8:37. Slow, dull match with a really bad finish. * – Owen Hart v. Skinner. Skinner sprays him with tobacco juice to catch him off-guard, and gets a shoulderbreaker. Inverted DDT gets two. He adds some headbutts, but Owen skins the cat after getting tossed, and rolls him up for the pin at 1:10. Not one of Owen’s best matches. DUD – Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice. This was SUPPOSED to be Hogan’s retirement match, but he just kept coming back. The show is running long at this point, too. Sid attacks him to start, and Hogan punches him out of the ring and finishes his posing. We start proper as Sid knees him in the gut and pounds away in the corner. Hogan slugs him out of the ring. Back in, Sid calls for the test of strength like every other idiot heel in WWF history, and gets Hogan down to his knees, but he fights back up again. Sid takes him into the corner with knees, and chokeslams him. Sid stops to give his “Do unto the man…” line to the camera and the match is suddenly 10x better, since Sid isn’t doing anything. He uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and Hogan bails, so Sid follows and hits him with Harvey’s medical bag. Wonder if that was George Zahorian’s bag? Back in, Sid uses the VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM as I go change my laundry. Hogan fights out, so Sid sideslams him and powerbombs him, but it’s Hulk Up Time, punch punch punch big boot legdrop…and then a very interesting moment as Papa Shango was supposed to run in and break up the count, but misses his cue, forcing Sid to kick out. (That was a double-cross on Hogan, in fact. Obviously they backed the wrong horse in retrospect.) That was to protect Sid, but in retrospect they needn’t have bothered, since he was gone weeks later anyway. It’s a DQ at 12:26 for no adequately explored reason, and Papa Shango finally gets out there for the beatdown…until Ultimate Warrior makes a shocking return and blows the roof off the place. Good thing they had his music ready. Well, Hogan’s good Wrestlemania match streak ends at 3. ¼* Some cosmetic changes to Warrior had people guessing that it wasn’t Jim Hellwig, but believe me, I wasn’t that lucky. – By the way, the tape closes with an apology from Coliseum video for advertising a Bulldog v. Berzerker match on the box that didn’t happen. While it’s nice they would actually acknowledge their own false advertising for once (the show was running long and the match was ditched), there’s not really any apology needed for THAT cut. The Bottom Line: Another one of my favorite Wrestlemanias, with two great matches and one stinker of a main event that at least had one of the biggest surprise endings in WM history to bail it out somewhat. But it’s definitely worth a look. Highly recommended.
Wrestlemania Countdown: 8
8th March 2012 by Scott Keith
(2012 Scott sez: OK, I’m pretty sure we’ve reached the point where there’s a maximum of two versions of each rant to slog through.) The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VIII – Live from Indianapolis, Indiana. Original airdate: April 5, 1992 – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan.– Personal reminiscence: This was the last Wrestlemania that I had to watch on closed-circuit TV rather than PPV, because in 1992 Edmonton finally got PPV capability. In this case, the only place close that was showing it was a hotel in a rather out-of-the-way chunk of Edmonton called Sherwood Park. Sadly, I can’t even remember the name of it now. But I did get a cool Wrestlemania logo mug, which I proudly retain and use to this day. (Sadly, that mug disappeared sometime in 2004 during my move from Edmonton to Saskatoon. I suspect someone tried to mix painkillers and alcohol in it.) Anyway, there ended up being a couple of hundred people packed into a ballroom that was only expecting 40 or 50, and the atmosphere for the show in that room alone was pretty awesome. – Opening match: Tito Santana v. Shawn Michaels. The more things change, the more they really, really change. This was the end of Santana’s WWF career and the beginning of Shawn’s rise to the top. Good choice for the opener. Michaels and Sherri are nowhere near over yet, despite the coolest jacket ever: “I’m too sexy for this crowd.” (You’ll note my perspective on that jacket changes with about 5 years of hindsight.) And “Sexy Boy” sounds so weird still being sung by Sherri. Sherri looks skanky and pudgy as ever, so nice to know some things are constant. It’s funny comparing then and now, actually — I didn’t buy Michaels as any kind of legit title threat until 1994, and I certainly didn’t buy him as a possible World champion until he almost won the thing from Diesel in 1995. Quite a bit of stalling and a few good bumps from Shawn about sum this one up. Another “then and now” moment: The main event, the show stopper, the scene stealer, the ICON…in the opening match? Side-headlocks a go-go from Tito. Shawn hits the Sweet Chin Music at one point, but the move isn’t over yet so does minimal damage. He was using the teardrop suplex at this point, btw, and for those who ask a teardrop suplex is, for lack of a better description, a released backdrop suplex. Pretty nasty if done right. (Generally lame, though.) The match has a hot ending, however, as Shawn sells like a champ before reversing a slam attempt into a pin. Ending looked a bit messed up for some reason. *1/2 – Mean Gene brings out the LOD and Paul Ellering for a *lengthy* interview. This was the precursor to Rocco, which I pray will never be spoken of again. By anyone. – Jake Roberts v. The Undertaker. Now *this* is how you bury a guy whose contract is up. This is shortly after the UT’s face turn, and he’s getting mega-pops even then. This is the “final justice” match for all the bad stuff Jake did during his “Trust me” run, and boy does he *ever* get his. UT no-sells everything and then some, including the DDT, and easily pins Jake after tombstoning him on the floor. An utter and complete slaughter. DUD, but a satisfying one for those sick of Jake’s heel tactics. (In hindsight, Jake made the worst decision of his career when he decided to hold up Vince for more money and jump to WCW. 2-0 for Undertaker!) – WWF Intercontinental title: Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart. Piper had substituted for Bret at the Royal Rumble, winning the I-C title from the Mountie, who had in turn won the title from Bret a few days prior. So now Bret and Piper fight. (I definitely used to take “Brevity is the soul of wit” to heart.) This is a lesson in ring psychology, as Bret and Roddy play mindgames with each other the entire match. Bret debuts the “goldbricking” routine that Diesel fell victim to at Survivor Series 1995. Bret juices, just for the hell of it. (Although he told everyone that it was accidental, wink wink.) Piper works very stiff here, with noticeable results. Ref gets bumped and Piper teases a heel turn with the ringbell before the fans change his mind. He goes for the sleeper instead, but Bret walks the ropes and rolls through for the pin and the title. **** Piper’s best match in the WWF, IMO. Piper and Hart do the Babyface Embrace after the match. (Way to short-shrift this match, Scott.) – Bobby introduces us to “future WBF champion” Lex Luger. Whoever thought the WBF was a good idea? Oh, yeah, same guy who thought the XFL is. (And the WWE Network. And WWE Films. Although now I’m wondering when I wrote this, because it’s lacking match times and meaningful recapping, but I’m making XFL jokes here which would place it in 2001 when I should have been doing both of those things.) – The Nasty Boys & Repo Man & The Mountie v. Jim Duggan & Sgt. Slaughter & Virgil & Big Bossman. Oh, wow, it’s the “8 suckiest guys in wrestling today in the same match” match. Okay, that’s not fair — Jacques Rougeau isn’t that bad. Ray Combs does a lame ring introduction, mocking the heels. Hold on! Shawn Michaels has left the building. Whew, I feel better now. This is not as incredibly bad as you might think it is, which is to say it’s not quite a DUD. Virgil pins Knobs after a miscommunication spot. 1/2* – WWF World title: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage. This is the blowoff for the “She was mine before she was yours” feud. I never really cared for the “sign the match, then add the angle” approach to this, but it won Feud of the Year or Angle of the Year or something on RSPW, so I guess many disagreed with me. This is arguably Savage’s last really great match in the WWF, with the possible exception of Savage v. Warrior from Summerslam 1992. Super-hot crowd. Perfect is almost Togo-ish in his TOTAL DICKHOOD~! (See, again, I’m all over Dick Togo’s jock here, which would place this in my Michinoku Pro fanboy phase around 1999. I’m confused.) Flair blades, and I was half-expecting Savage to join him in a sympathy blade, but no dice. (Yeah, and Flair got REAMED by Vince after the match for doing that, so no wonder Savage didn’t follow suit.) Flair dominates, but Savage makes the superhero comeback and destroys Flair, finally hitting the big elbow. But Perfect yanks him out of the ring to make the save. What a jerk (You know it’s a good character when you can still sit back years later and think he’s a total jerk for doing that). Flair tries the old brass knucks, but Savage kicks out. They cheat outrageously some more, allowing Flair to get the figure-four. He destroys Savage’s knee unmercifully, but stalls one time too many and allows Savage to roll him up out of nowhere for the pin and title. ****1/4 Great match. Flair goes after Liz and a wild brawl erupts. Savage finally gets his moment of glory, without You-Know-Who posing in the background. Good for him. – Flair gives a classic ranting and raving interview, where he conveniently ignores the 14 or so rule violations committed by himself and focuses on Savage’s pulling of the tights. – Savage responds with his own psychotic interview. Great feud. – We pretty much go downhill from there. – Rick Martel v. Tatanka. Tatanka was getting the Maivia-level push at this time, despite his near-total lack of talent. (Again, Rocky Maivia references, so this would be 98-99. I wonder if I edited that XFL joke in later?) Nothing match here, only there to put Tatanka over. T-t-t-t-t-t-tanka rolls through a body block for the pin. *1/2 – WWF Tag Team Title: Money, Inc. v. The Natural Disasters. Jimmy Hart had recently swerved the Disasters and gone over to Dibiase & IRS, setting up this match. Earthquake and Typhoon basically mop the ring with the champs for a few minutes, before they run away, giving the Disasters a countout win. DUD Well, one screwjob so far ain’t bad. (This was supposed to be Money Inc v. Legion of Doom as I recall, but Hawk was falling fast.) – Owen Hart v. Skinner. Could’ve been good, but time constraints dictated otherwise. (Much like this rant, apparently. Was I rushing through this or what?) Skinner gets a few big moves in quickly, but Owen kicks out and rolls him up for a very quick pin. DUD – Main Event: Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice. Standard “Hogan gets betrayed” blowoff match. The formula was getting very old by this point. Kick and punch, heel gets the Big Move, Hogan kicks out and Hulks Up, boot, legdrop. Except he doesn’t get the pin — Papa Shango was supposed to run in and break up the count, but he didn’t make down in time and Sid was forced to kick out. Oops. It wasn’t a shoot, despite popular opinion on the ‘net. Sid & Shango put the beats on Hogan until…THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR RUNS IN! Wow, was this an electrifying moment when it happened. Incredible way to end the show, as Hogan and Warrior pose in happier times. Match is maybe 1/4* I shudder to think how bad it can get next month. (See, there I’m referencing the impending Hogan v. Warrior match at Halloween Havoc 98, so I must have edited that XFL line in at a later date. I hate it when people mess with my mind, especially when it’s me.) The Bottom Line: One of the most memorable Wrestlemanias, and for good reason. Two ****+ matches and the biggest surprise ending ever. Wow. Required viewing material for all wrestling fans, I think. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VIII – Live from Indianapolis, IN. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Bobby Heenan. – Opening match: Shawn Michaels v. Tito Santana. Shawn brings new meaning to “classy” by wearing a jacket that says “I’m too sexy for this crowd”, thus not only being a jerk, but also making an incredibly dated reference. Very weird hearing Sherri sing “Sexy Boy” instead of Shawn. Shoving match to start and Tito wins a slugfest and gets a quick crossbody for two. He grabs a headlock on Shawn and holds on, but Shawn slugs out and they criss-cross until Tito clotheslines him to the floor. Back in, Tito goes back to the headlock, but Shawn pounds him in the corner to escape and slugs away. Tito reverses him into the other corner and outsmarts Shawn, going back to the headlock. He gets two off that a few times, hanging on tight. Small package gets two. Back to the headlock for two. Shawn tosses him to escape, as Tito takes a good bump over the top and Shawn pounds him on the apron. Back in, backbreaker gets two. We hit the chinlock, and Tito fights out of it, but walks into the superkick. Since that didn’t get established as his finisher until 1995, it’s not over yet. Shawn goes for his real finisher, the teardrop suplex, but Tito fights out of it. He puts his head down too soon and gets nailed, but comes back with the flying jalapeno and Shawn goes for a ride right out of the ring. They brawl on the floor and Tito brings him back in for a slingshot shoulderblock. Kneelift sends Shawn flying into the corner, and an atomic drop sets up El Pace With Extra Piquante, but Shawn takes a powder to the floor. Back to the apron and Tito goes to slam him back in, but Shawn shifts his weight and gets the pin at 10:37. I assume Sherri was supposed to be cheating there or something, but it didn’t work out that way. Still, good match, although not “HBK” level good. *** (Same basic match recap as before, with the same observations and beats, but much more expanded now. And usually I’m not sitting there reading my old stuff and copying it, I just make the same observations again and think I’m saying something fresh and original.) – Mean Gene re-introduces the LOD, in the storyline that would bring Paul Ellering to the WWF…and Rocco the dummy. Don’t ask. (See?) – Jake Roberts v. Undertaker. This was just after Undertaker’s face turn, as he saved Elizabeth from Roberts, and it was Jake’s last match in the WWF before jumping to WCW. Jake evades him to start and slugs away, to no effect. Another shot puts Taker on the floor, but he pulls Jake out with him and proceeds to ass-kicking. Back in, Jake kneelifts him coming through the ropes and keeps punching, but that gets him nowhere, as UT calmly chokes him out in the corner and won’t let him leave. Well, it’s no TRIANGLE choke, but you could see the MMA influence already starting! Okay, I made that up. Yeah, more choking. Taker drops an elbow and gets the flying clothesline, but Jake DDTs him. Taker no-sells and keeps choking, so Jake hits him with a short clothesline and another DDT. And it’s zombie sit-up #2 while Jake goes after Paul Bearer, which pisses Undertaker off enough that he tombstones Jake on the floor, and tosses him back in for the pin at 6:41. That was basically Jake passing the “creepy babyface” torch to Undertaker, and I guess it worked. ½* – Intercontinental title: Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart. This was of course set up by the Mountie being an unlikely transition champion, beating Bret at a house show and losing the title to Piper at Royal Rumble, so with Bret demanding his mandatory rematch, this was the result. They fight over a lockup and Piper armdrags him. Another lockup, and now Bret gets the armdrag. Piper takes him down to the mat and Bret sends him to the floor to escape, and a shoving match results. Piper asks for the test of strength, although considering Piper looks like he weighs a buck-fifty as this point I don’t know how smart that is. (Yeah, Piper suddenly going off the roids in 92 made for quite the visual contrast to his younger and juicier days.) They trade wristlocks off that and Piper throws a chop, but can’t break free. He rams Bret into the corner to get out, but Bret goes back to it again and yanks Piper to the mat for an armbar. Piper escapes, so Bret dropkicks him, and hurts his shoulder on the bump. Piper is concerned…until Bret cradles for two. Ha! Piper gives him a slap for being sneakier than him, and now it’s on. Criss-cross and they tumble out on a Bret crossbody. Piper offers him save haven back in, and Bret takes it. But then Piper suckerpunches him. He stomps away as Bret blades (and later lied about it to prevent punishment for it) and Piper bulldogs him for two. Piper works on the cut and kneelifts him for two. He socks Bret right in the cut, but Bret gets a sunset flip for two. Piper keeps on the cut and peppers it with punches, for two. They slug it out and Bret forearms him out to the floor, but he heads right back in and they clothesline each other. Piper recovers first and goes up, but Bret was also goldbricking and crotches him, then brings him down by the hair. Atomic drop and suplex get two. Russian legsweep gets two. Backbreaker and he goes for the Sharpshooter, but Piper blocks it, so Bret drops an elbow on him and goes up, hitting boot on the way down. They slug it out and Bret headlocks him, but the ref is bumped. They fight outside and Bret eats stairs, and Piper grabs the bell. The crowd completely freaks out, not wanting to see Piper turn heel on him, but Piper shows mercy and leaves it alone, opting for the sleeper instead. However, that costs him the title, as Bret pushes off the ropes and rolls over for the pin and the title at 13:49, a move that he would later bring back to beat Steve Austin in 1996. Piper teases another heel turn, and then does the right thing and straps the title on Bret. This was not only a great match, but one of the only clean jobs Piper did in his WWF career. **** (You know who else he did a clean job to? Jimmy Superfly Snuka! Yes, that’s right, the father of current diva Tamina Snuka, in case you hadn’t heard.) (Yeah, I got another Snuka joke in there. Because I’m a PROFESSIONAL.) – Bobby Heenan introduces us to the newest WBF superstar, Lex Luger. Never heard of him. – Big Bossman, Sgt. Slaughter, Virgil & Hacksaw Duggan v. Mountie, The Nasty Boys & Repo Man. Our running dead people tally continues, as Ray Combs does the ring introductions here. Big brawl to start, as the faces send the heels running and quadruple-team Repo Man. We start proper with Sags and Duggan, as Sags attacks him from behind and rams him into the turnbuckle, but Duggan comes back with a pair of clotheslines and an atomic drop. Slaughter, a year removed from being an Iraqi turncoat in the main event (Biggest fall from main event glory: This, Bundy at Wrestlemania III, or Savage at Wrestlemania VI?), gets a gutbuster on Knobs and Bossman follows with a big boot. He slugs away in the corner, but misses a charge, and Repo Man comes in and dodges a splash. He jumps on the back a few times, but lands on Bossman’s fist in an awkward place and Bossman slugs him down and brings in Virgil. Dropkick and he goes up with a high cross for two. The Mountie lays him out from behind and Repo gets a backdrop suplex and suckers Duggan in, allowing for some shenanigans. Sags gets a pumphandle slam for two. Mountie comes in and gets caught by Bossman with a spinebuster, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Knobs punches Virgil in the broken nose, but heel miscommunication results in Virgil pinning him at 6:31. Total mess. ½* – WWF title match: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage. This is the famous “she was mine before she was yours” angle that would have been 100x better (and that’s saying something) if they had come up with it BEFORE the match was booked. On the other hand, you could just argue that Flair was playing mindgames with Savage after he found out he’d be defending against him. Savage beats on Flair outside to start, but gets distracted by Perfect, allowing Flair to start chopping. Savage hits him with a clothesline and knees him into the corner, then follows with a clothesline and a back elbow for two. He goes to the eyes, drawing the attention of the ref, but charges Flair and gets backdropped to the floor as a result. Flair follows and stomps on the knee, and back in he keeps stomping on Savage. Into the corner for some chops to set up a delayed suplex, which gets two. Backdrop suplex gets two. He whips Savage around and into a chop for two. Kneedrop and Savage bails to take a breather, so Flair follows and rams the back into the apron. Back in, suplex gets two. Flair whips him into the corner again to stay on the back, and stomps him down in the corner. They slug it out as Savage comes back, and a neckbreaker draws the double count. Flair goes for a running punch, but Savage blocks and slugs him into the corner, allowing Flair to go up, but Savage slams him off and makes the comeback. Backdrop out of the corner and a pair of clotheslines, and it’s a Flair Flip, as Savage slams him off the top for two. Savage comes back with a clothesline to put Flair on the floor, and follows with a double axehandle that sends Flair into the railing, and he blades. Flair wasn’t smart enough to claim it was hardway, like Bret did, so he was fined and very nearly fired for it. Savage suplexes him on the floor and pounds on him back in the ring, then follows with the double axehandle for two. Up top for the flying elbow, but Perfect pulls out Savage at two. Savage, understandably, is upset and chases after him, but that allows Flair to grab an international object and nail Savage with it for two. Flair gets frustrated and pounds away, then chokes him down, allowing Perfect to ram a chair into his knee behind the ref’s back. And now, WHOO, we go to school, but Elizabeth heads down to ringside to provide support as Flair gets the figure-four. The heat is just insane at this point. Flair slaps him around when he won’t stay down, but Savage fights back and reverses it. Flair breaks the hold, but stays on the knee, until Savage gets a small package for two. Into the corner, as Flair hits on Liz and beats on the knee, into a kneecrusher, but he gives one “whoo” too many and Savage rolls him up for the pin with a handful of tights at 18:01 to win his second WWF title. Started slow, but once they got into the groove, they had the crowd in the palm of their hands with great near-falls and crazy heat. ****1/4 Flair gives Liz a goodbye kiss, and Savage goes nuts on him, triggering a huge brawl until the refs pull them apart. Sadly, we would never see the naked centerfold of Elizabeth promised in the buildup by Perfect & Flair. (The guy next to me in the lounge, after witnessing one of the great Wrestlemania matches in history up to that point, got upset and ranted to me about how the match was too short and Flair had only ever lost the title in 30 minute marathons up to that point, as though the WWF was regularly in the habit of giving ANYONE 20 minutes at a time.) – Rick Martel v. Tatanka. This was fairly early in Tatanka’s run, although he would go on to draw pretty decent money against Yokozuna of all people in 1993, before self-destructing. Tatanka slams Martel and chases him from the ring while Bobby Heenan goes ballistic on Monsoon over the last match. Martel misses a charge back in the ring and Tatanka works on the arm, but gets taken down by Martel with a choke. He tosses Tatanka and they head back in, as Martel uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and a backbreaker, but goes up and gets crotched for his troubles. Tatanka comes back with chops and a backdrop, chopping him down. Martel catches him with slam, however, and clotheslines him, but Tatanka finishes with a crossbody at 4:30. Weak. ¾* – WWF tag title match: Money Inc. v. The Natural Disasters. Dibiase starts with Quake and gets overpowered. The Disasters clean house on them and the champs regroup. Back in, and the Disasters work on IRS’s arm, and Typhoon hiptosses him. IRS tries to bail, but gets caught by the tie and rammed into the turnbuckles. Typhoon charges and misses, however, and Dibiase comes in, but gets whipped into the corner, too. Typhoon charges and hits the floor, however, and Dibiase hammers away in the corner, and Money Inc gets the double-team clothesline for two. Double back elbow and IRS goes to the front facelock, and it’s a false tag to Earthquake. Dibiase gets two on Typhoon in the meantime. Double clothesline, crowd still doesn’t care. I never got why the Disasters were turned into the big babyface team of 1992, since they were never particularly over and didn’t have particularly good matches. “Hot” tag Earthquake, and he clotheslines everyone and dumps Dibiase. Typhoon splashes IRS and Quake goes for the butt splash, but Dibiase pulls IRS out and they take a walk at 8:37. Slow, dull match with a really bad finish. * – Owen Hart v. Skinner. Skinner sprays him with tobacco juice to catch him off-guard, and gets a shoulderbreaker. Inverted DDT gets two. He adds some headbutts, but Owen skins the cat after getting tossed, and rolls him up for the pin at 1:10. Not one of Owen’s best matches. DUD – Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice. This was SUPPOSED to be Hogan’s retirement match, but he just kept coming back. The show is running long at this point, too. Sid attacks him to start, and Hogan punches him out of the ring and finishes his posing. We start proper as Sid knees him in the gut and pounds away in the corner. Hogan slugs him out of the ring. Back in, Sid calls for the test of strength like every other idiot heel in WWF history, and gets Hogan down to his knees, but he fights back up again. Sid takes him into the corner with knees, and chokeslams him. Sid stops to give his “Do unto the man…” line to the camera and the match is suddenly 10x better, since Sid isn’t doing anything. He uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and Hogan bails, so Sid follows and hits him with Harvey’s medical bag. Wonder if that was George Zahorian’s bag? Back in, Sid uses the VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM as I go change my laundry. Hogan fights out, so Sid sideslams him and powerbombs him, but it’s Hulk Up Time, punch punch punch big boot legdrop…and then a very interesting moment as Papa Shango was supposed to run in and break up the count, but misses his cue, forcing Sid to kick out. (That was a double-cross on Hogan, in fact. Obviously they backed the wrong horse in retrospect.) That was to protect Sid, but in retrospect they needn’t have bothered, since he was gone weeks later anyway. It’s a DQ at 12:26 for no adequately explored reason, and Papa Shango finally gets out there for the beatdown…until Ultimate Warrior makes a shocking return and blows the roof off the place. Good thing they had his music ready. Well, Hogan’s good Wrestlemania match streak ends at 3. ¼* Some cosmetic changes to Warrior had people guessing that it wasn’t Jim Hellwig, but believe me, I wasn’t that lucky. – By the way, the tape closes with an apology from Coliseum video for advertising a Bulldog v. Berzerker match on the box that didn’t happen. While it’s nice they would actually acknowledge their own false advertising for once (the show was running long and the match was ditched), there’s not really any apology needed for THAT cut. The Bottom Line: Another one of my favorite Wrestlemanias, with two great matches and one stinker of a main event that at least had one of the biggest surprise endings in WM history to bail it out somewhat. But it’s definitely worth a look. Highly recommended.
Wrestlemania Countdown: 8
8th March 2012 by Scott Keith
(2012 Scott sez: OK, I’m pretty sure we’ve reached the point where there’s a maximum of two versions of each rant to slog through.) The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VIII – Live from Indianapolis, Indiana. Original airdate: April 5, 1992 – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan.– Personal reminiscence: This was the last Wrestlemania that I had to watch on closed-circuit TV rather than PPV, because in 1992 Edmonton finally got PPV capability. In this case, the only place close that was showing it was a hotel in a rather out-of-the-way chunk of Edmonton called Sherwood Park. Sadly, I can’t even remember the name of it now. But I did get a cool Wrestlemania logo mug, which I proudly retain and use to this day. (Sadly, that mug disappeared sometime in 2004 during my move from Edmonton to Saskatoon. I suspect someone tried to mix painkillers and alcohol in it.) Anyway, there ended up being a couple of hundred people packed into a ballroom that was only expecting 40 or 50, and the atmosphere for the show in that room alone was pretty awesome. – Opening match: Tito Santana v. Shawn Michaels. The more things change, the more they really, really change. This was the end of Santana’s WWF career and the beginning of Shawn’s rise to the top. Good choice for the opener. Michaels and Sherri are nowhere near over yet, despite the coolest jacket ever: “I’m too sexy for this crowd.” (You’ll note my perspective on that jacket changes with about 5 years of hindsight.) And “Sexy Boy” sounds so weird still being sung by Sherri. Sherri looks skanky and pudgy as ever, so nice to know some things are constant. It’s funny comparing then and now, actually — I didn’t buy Michaels as any kind of legit title threat until 1994, and I certainly didn’t buy him as a possible World champion until he almost won the thing from Diesel in 1995. Quite a bit of stalling and a few good bumps from Shawn about sum this one up. Another “then and now” moment: The main event, the show stopper, the scene stealer, the ICON…in the opening match? Side-headlocks a go-go from Tito. Shawn hits the Sweet Chin Music at one point, but the move isn’t over yet so does minimal damage. He was using the teardrop suplex at this point, btw, and for those who ask a teardrop suplex is, for lack of a better description, a released backdrop suplex. Pretty nasty if done right. (Generally lame, though.) The match has a hot ending, however, as Shawn sells like a champ before reversing a slam attempt into a pin. Ending looked a bit messed up for some reason. *1/2 – Mean Gene brings out the LOD and Paul Ellering for a *lengthy* interview. This was the precursor to Rocco, which I pray will never be spoken of again. By anyone. – Jake Roberts v. The Undertaker. Now *this* is how you bury a guy whose contract is up. This is shortly after the UT’s face turn, and he’s getting mega-pops even then. This is the “final justice” match for all the bad stuff Jake did during his “Trust me” run, and boy does he *ever* get his. UT no-sells everything and then some, including the DDT, and easily pins Jake after tombstoning him on the floor. An utter and complete slaughter. DUD, but a satisfying one for those sick of Jake’s heel tactics. (In hindsight, Jake made the worst decision of his career when he decided to hold up Vince for more money and jump to WCW. 2-0 for Undertaker!) – WWF Intercontinental title: Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart. Piper had substituted for Bret at the Royal Rumble, winning the I-C title from the Mountie, who had in turn won the title from Bret a few days prior. So now Bret and Piper fight. (I definitely used to take “Brevity is the soul of wit” to heart.) This is a lesson in ring psychology, as Bret and Roddy play mindgames with each other the entire match. Bret debuts the “goldbricking” routine that Diesel fell victim to at Survivor Series 1995. Bret juices, just for the hell of it. (Although he told everyone that it was accidental, wink wink.) Piper works very stiff here, with noticeable results. Ref gets bumped and Piper teases a heel turn with the ringbell before the fans change his mind. He goes for the sleeper instead, but Bret walks the ropes and rolls through for the pin and the title. **** Piper’s best match in the WWF, IMO. Piper and Hart do the Babyface Embrace after the match. (Way to short-shrift this match, Scott.) – Bobby introduces us to “future WBF champion” Lex Luger. Whoever thought the WBF was a good idea? Oh, yeah, same guy who thought the XFL is. (And the WWE Network. And WWE Films. Although now I’m wondering when I wrote this, because it’s lacking match times and meaningful recapping, but I’m making XFL jokes here which would place it in 2001 when I should have been doing both of those things.) – The Nasty Boys & Repo Man & The Mountie v. Jim Duggan & Sgt. Slaughter & Virgil & Big Bossman. Oh, wow, it’s the “8 suckiest guys in wrestling today in the same match” match. Okay, that’s not fair — Jacques Rougeau isn’t that bad. Ray Combs does a lame ring introduction, mocking the heels. Hold on! Shawn Michaels has left the building. Whew, I feel better now. This is not as incredibly bad as you might think it is, which is to say it’s not quite a DUD. Virgil pins Knobs after a miscommunication spot. 1/2* – WWF World title: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage. This is the blowoff for the “She was mine before she was yours” feud. I never really cared for the “sign the match, then add the angle” approach to this, but it won Feud of the Year or Angle of the Year or something on RSPW, so I guess many disagreed with me. This is arguably Savage’s last really great match in the WWF, with the possible exception of Savage v. Warrior from Summerslam 1992. Super-hot crowd. Perfect is almost Togo-ish in his TOTAL DICKHOOD~! (See, again, I’m all over Dick Togo’s jock here, which would place this in my Michinoku Pro fanboy phase around 1999. I’m confused.) Flair blades, and I was half-expecting Savage to join him in a sympathy blade, but no dice. (Yeah, and Flair got REAMED by Vince after the match for doing that, so no wonder Savage didn’t follow suit.) Flair dominates, but Savage makes the superhero comeback and destroys Flair, finally hitting the big elbow. But Perfect yanks him out of the ring to make the save. What a jerk (You know it’s a good character when you can still sit back years later and think he’s a total jerk for doing that). Flair tries the old brass knucks, but Savage kicks out. They cheat outrageously some more, allowing Flair to get the figure-four. He destroys Savage’s knee unmercifully, but stalls one time too many and allows Savage to roll him up out of nowhere for the pin and title. ****1/4 Great match. Flair goes after Liz and a wild brawl erupts. Savage finally gets his moment of glory, without You-Know-Who posing in the background. Good for him. – Flair gives a classic ranting and raving interview, where he conveniently ignores the 14 or so rule violations committed by himself and focuses on Savage’s pulling of the tights. – Savage responds with his own psychotic interview. Great feud. – We pretty much go downhill from there. – Rick Martel v. Tatanka. Tatanka was getting the Maivia-level push at this time, despite his near-total lack of talent. (Again, Rocky Maivia references, so this would be 98-99. I wonder if I edited that XFL joke in later?) Nothing match here, only there to put Tatanka over. T-t-t-t-t-t-tanka rolls through a body block for the pin. *1/2 – WWF Tag Team Title: Money, Inc. v. The Natural Disasters. Jimmy Hart had recently swerved the Disasters and gone over to Dibiase & IRS, setting up this match. Earthquake and Typhoon basically mop the ring with the champs for a few minutes, before they run away, giving the Disasters a countout win. DUD Well, one screwjob so far ain’t bad. (This was supposed to be Money Inc v. Legion of Doom as I recall, but Hawk was falling fast.) – Owen Hart v. Skinner. Could’ve been good, but time constraints dictated otherwise. (Much like this rant, apparently. Was I rushing through this or what?) Skinner gets a few big moves in quickly, but Owen kicks out and rolls him up for a very quick pin. DUD – Main Event: Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice. Standard “Hogan gets betrayed” blowoff match. The formula was getting very old by this point. Kick and punch, heel gets the Big Move, Hogan kicks out and Hulks Up, boot, legdrop. Except he doesn’t get the pin — Papa Shango was supposed to run in and break up the count, but he didn’t make down in time and Sid was forced to kick out. Oops. It wasn’t a shoot, despite popular opinion on the ‘net. Sid & Shango put the beats on Hogan until…THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR RUNS IN! Wow, was this an electrifying moment when it happened. Incredible way to end the show, as Hogan and Warrior pose in happier times. Match is maybe 1/4* I shudder to think how bad it can get next month. (See, there I’m referencing the impending Hogan v. Warrior match at Halloween Havoc 98, so I must have edited that XFL line in at a later date. I hate it when people mess with my mind, especially when it’s me.) The Bottom Line: One of the most memorable Wrestlemanias, and for good reason. Two ****+ matches and the biggest surprise ending ever. Wow. Required viewing material for all wrestling fans, I think. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VIII – Live from Indianapolis, IN. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Bobby Heenan. – Opening match: Shawn Michaels v. Tito Santana. Shawn brings new meaning to “classy” by wearing a jacket that says “I’m too sexy for this crowd”, thus not only being a jerk, but also making an incredibly dated reference. Very weird hearing Sherri sing “Sexy Boy” instead of Shawn. Shoving match to start and Tito wins a slugfest and gets a quick crossbody for two. He grabs a headlock on Shawn and holds on, but Shawn slugs out and they criss-cross until Tito clotheslines him to the floor. Back in, Tito goes back to the headlock, but Shawn pounds him in the corner to escape and slugs away. Tito reverses him into the other corner and outsmarts Shawn, going back to the headlock. He gets two off that a few times, hanging on tight. Small package gets two. Back to the headlock for two. Shawn tosses him to escape, as Tito takes a good bump over the top and Shawn pounds him on the apron. Back in, backbreaker gets two. We hit the chinlock, and Tito fights out of it, but walks into the superkick. Since that didn’t get established as his finisher until 1995, it’s not over yet. Shawn goes for his real finisher, the teardrop suplex, but Tito fights out of it. He puts his head down too soon and gets nailed, but comes back with the flying jalapeno and Shawn goes for a ride right out of the ring. They brawl on the floor and Tito brings him back in for a slingshot shoulderblock. Kneelift sends Shawn flying into the corner, and an atomic drop sets up El Pace With Extra Piquante, but Shawn takes a powder to the floor. Back to the apron and Tito goes to slam him back in, but Shawn shifts his weight and gets the pin at 10:37. I assume Sherri was supposed to be cheating there or something, but it didn’t work out that way. Still, good match, although not “HBK” level good. *** (Same basic match recap as before, with the same observations and beats, but much more expanded now. And usually I’m not sitting there reading my old stuff and copying it, I just make the same observations again and think I’m saying something fresh and original.) – Mean Gene re-introduces the LOD, in the storyline that would bring Paul Ellering to the WWF…and Rocco the dummy. Don’t ask. (See?) – Jake Roberts v. Undertaker. This was just after Undertaker’s face turn, as he saved Elizabeth from Roberts, and it was Jake’s last match in the WWF before jumping to WCW. Jake evades him to start and slugs away, to no effect. Another shot puts Taker on the floor, but he pulls Jake out with him and proceeds to ass-kicking. Back in, Jake kneelifts him coming through the ropes and keeps punching, but that gets him nowhere, as UT calmly chokes him out in the corner and won’t let him leave. Well, it’s no TRIANGLE choke, but you could see the MMA influence already starting! Okay, I made that up. Yeah, more choking. Taker drops an elbow and gets the flying clothesline, but Jake DDTs him. Taker no-sells and keeps choking, so Jake hits him with a short clothesline and another DDT. And it’s zombie sit-up #2 while Jake goes after Paul Bearer, which pisses Undertaker off enough that he tombstones Jake on the floor, and tosses him back in for the pin at 6:41. That was basically Jake passing the “creepy babyface” torch to Undertaker, and I guess it worked. ½* – Intercontinental title: Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart. This was of course set up by the Mountie being an unlikely transition champion, beating Bret at a house show and losing the title to Piper at Royal Rumble, so with Bret demanding his mandatory rematch, this was the result. They fight over a lockup and Piper armdrags him. Another lockup, and now Bret gets the armdrag. Piper takes him down to the mat and Bret sends him to the floor to escape, and a shoving match results. Piper asks for the test of strength, although considering Piper looks like he weighs a buck-fifty as this point I don’t know how smart that is. (Yeah, Piper suddenly going off the roids in 92 made for quite the visual contrast to his younger and juicier days.) They trade wristlocks off that and Piper throws a chop, but can’t break free. He rams Bret into the corner to get out, but Bret goes back to it again and yanks Piper to the mat for an armbar. Piper escapes, so Bret dropkicks him, and hurts his shoulder on the bump. Piper is concerned…until Bret cradles for two. Ha! Piper gives him a slap for being sneakier than him, and now it’s on. Criss-cross and they tumble out on a Bret crossbody. Piper offers him save haven back in, and Bret takes it. But then Piper suckerpunches him. He stomps away as Bret blades (and later lied about it to prevent punishment for it) and Piper bulldogs him for two. Piper works on the cut and kneelifts him for two. He socks Bret right in the cut, but Bret gets a sunset flip for two. Piper keeps on the cut and peppers it with punches, for two. They slug it out and Bret forearms him out to the floor, but he heads right back in and they clothesline each other. Piper recovers first and goes up, but Bret was also goldbricking and crotches him, then brings him down by the hair. Atomic drop and suplex get two. Russian legsweep gets two. Backbreaker and he goes for the Sharpshooter, but Piper blocks it, so Bret drops an elbow on him and goes up, hitting boot on the way down. They slug it out and Bret headlocks him, but the ref is bumped. They fight outside and Bret eats stairs, and Piper grabs the bell. The crowd completely freaks out, not wanting to see Piper turn heel on him, but Piper shows mercy and leaves it alone, opting for the sleeper instead. However, that costs him the title, as Bret pushes off the ropes and rolls over for the pin and the title at 13:49, a move that he would later bring back to beat Steve Austin in 1996. Piper teases another heel turn, and then does the right thing and straps the title on Bret. This was not only a great match, but one of the only clean jobs Piper did in his WWF career. **** (You know who else he did a clean job to? Jimmy Superfly Snuka! Yes, that’s right, the father of current diva Tamina Snuka, in case you hadn’t heard.) (Yeah, I got another Snuka joke in there. Because I’m a PROFESSIONAL.) – Bobby Heenan introduces us to the newest WBF superstar, Lex Luger. Never heard of him. – Big Bossman, Sgt. Slaughter, Virgil & Hacksaw Duggan v. Mountie, The Nasty Boys & Repo Man. Our running dead people tally continues, as Ray Combs does the ring introductions here. Big brawl to start, as the faces send the heels running and quadruple-team Repo Man. We start proper with Sags and Duggan, as Sags attacks him from behind and rams him into the turnbuckle, but Duggan comes back with a pair of clotheslines and an atomic drop. Slaughter, a year removed from being an Iraqi turncoat in the main event (Biggest fall from main event glory: This, Bundy at Wrestlemania III, or Savage at Wrestlemania VI?), gets a gutbuster on Knobs and Bossman follows with a big boot. He slugs away in the corner, but misses a charge, and Repo Man comes in and dodges a splash. He jumps on the back a few times, but lands on Bossman’s fist in an awkward place and Bossman slugs him down and brings in Virgil. Dropkick and he goes up with a high cross for two. The Mountie lays him out from behind and Repo gets a backdrop suplex and suckers Duggan in, allowing for some shenanigans. Sags gets a pumphandle slam for two. Mountie comes in and gets caught by Bossman with a spinebuster, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Knobs punches Virgil in the broken nose, but heel miscommunication results in Virgil pinning him at 6:31. Total mess. ½* – WWF title match: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage. This is the famous “she was mine before she was yours” angle that would have been 100x better (and that’s saying something) if they had come up with it BEFORE the match was booked. On the other hand, you could just argue that Flair was playing mindgames with Savage after he found out he’d be defending against him. Savage beats on Flair outside to start, but gets distracted by Perfect, allowing Flair to start chopping. Savage hits him with a clothesline and knees him into the corner, then follows with a clothesline and a back elbow for two. He goes to the eyes, drawing the attention of the ref, but charges Flair and gets backdropped to the floor as a result. Flair follows and stomps on the knee, and back in he keeps stomping on Savage. Into the corner for some chops to set up a delayed suplex, which gets two. Backdrop suplex gets two. He whips Savage around and into a chop for two. Kneedrop and Savage bails to take a breather, so Flair follows and rams the back into the apron. Back in, suplex gets two. Flair whips him into the corner again to stay on the back, and stomps him down in the corner. They slug it out as Savage comes back, and a neckbreaker draws the double count. Flair goes for a running punch, but Savage blocks and slugs him into the corner, allowing Flair to go up, but Savage slams him off and makes the comeback. Backdrop out of the corner and a pair of clotheslines, and it’s a Flair Flip, as Savage slams him off the top for two. Savage comes back with a clothesline to put Flair on the floor, and follows with a double axehandle that sends Flair into the railing, and he blades. Flair wasn’t smart enough to claim it was hardway, like Bret did, so he was fined and very nearly fired for it. Savage suplexes him on the floor and pounds on him back in the ring, then follows with the double axehandle for two. Up top for the flying elbow, but Perfect pulls out Savage at two. Savage, understandably, is upset and chases after him, but that allows Flair to grab an international object and nail Savage with it for two. Flair gets frustrated and pounds away, then chokes him down, allowing Perfect to ram a chair into his knee behind the ref’s back. And now, WHOO, we go to school, but Elizabeth heads down to ringside to provide support as Flair gets the figure-four. The heat is just insane at this point. Flair slaps him around when he won’t stay down, but Savage fights back and reverses it. Flair breaks the hold, but stays on the knee, until Savage gets a small package for two. Into the corner, as Flair hits on Liz and beats on the knee, into a kneecrusher, but he gives one “whoo” too many and Savage rolls him up for the pin with a handful of tights at 18:01 to win his second WWF title. Started slow, but once they got into the groove, they had the crowd in the palm of their hands with great near-falls and crazy heat. ****1/4 Flair gives Liz a goodbye kiss, and Savage goes nuts on him, triggering a huge brawl until the refs pull them apart. Sadly, we would never see the naked centerfold of Elizabeth promised in the buildup by Perfect & Flair. (The guy next to me in the lounge, after witnessing one of the great Wrestlemania matches in history up to that point, got upset and ranted to me about how the match was too short and Flair had only ever lost the title in 30 minute marathons up to that point, as though the WWF was regularly in the habit of giving ANYONE 20 minutes at a time.) – Rick Martel v. Tatanka. This was fairly early in Tatanka’s run, although he would go on to draw pretty decent money against Yokozuna of all people in 1993, before self-destructing. Tatanka slams Martel and chases him from the ring while Bobby Heenan goes ballistic on Monsoon over the last match. Martel misses a charge back in the ring and Tatanka works on the arm, but gets taken down by Martel with a choke. He tosses Tatanka and they head back in, as Martel uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and a backbreaker, but goes up and gets crotched for his troubles. Tatanka comes back with chops and a backdrop, chopping him down. Martel catches him with slam, however, and clotheslines him, but Tatanka finishes with a crossbody at 4:30. Weak. ¾* – WWF tag title match: Money Inc. v. The Natural Disasters. Dibiase starts with Quake and gets overpowered. The Disasters clean house on them and the champs regroup. Back in, and the Disasters work on IRS’s arm, and Typhoon hiptosses him. IRS tries to bail, but gets caught by the tie and rammed into the turnbuckles. Typhoon charges and misses, however, and Dibiase comes in, but gets whipped into the corner, too. Typhoon charges and hits the floor, however, and Dibiase hammers away in the corner, and Money Inc gets the double-team clothesline for two. Double back elbow and IRS goes to the front facelock, and it’s a false tag to Earthquake. Dibiase gets two on Typhoon in the meantime. Double clothesline, crowd still doesn’t care. I never got why the Disasters were turned into the big babyface team of 1992, since they were never particularly over and didn’t have particularly good matches. “Hot” tag Earthquake, and he clotheslines everyone and dumps Dibiase. Typhoon splashes IRS and Quake goes for the butt splash, but Dibiase pulls IRS out and they take a walk at 8:37. Slow, dull match with a really bad finish. * – Owen Hart v. Skinner. Skinner sprays him with tobacco juice to catch him off-guard, and gets a shoulderbreaker. Inverted DDT gets two. He adds some headbutts, but Owen skins the cat after getting tossed, and rolls him up for the pin at 1:10. Not one of Owen’s best matches. DUD – Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice. This was SUPPOSED to be Hogan’s retirement match, but he just kept coming back. The show is running long at this point, too. Sid attacks him to start, and Hogan punches him out of the ring and finishes his posing. We start proper as Sid knees him in the gut and pounds away in the corner. Hogan slugs him out of the ring. Back in, Sid calls for the test of strength like every other idiot heel in WWF history, and gets Hogan down to his knees, but he fights back up again. Sid takes him into the corner with knees, and chokeslams him. Sid stops to give his “Do unto the man…” line to the camera and the match is suddenly 10x better, since Sid isn’t doing anything. He uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and Hogan bails, so Sid follows and hits him with Harvey’s medical bag. Wonder if that was George Zahorian’s bag? Back in, Sid uses the VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM as I go change my laundry. Hogan fights out, so Sid sideslams him and powerbombs him, but it’s Hulk Up Time, punch punch punch big boot legdrop…and then a very interesting moment as Papa Shango was supposed to run in and break up the count, but misses his cue, forcing Sid to kick out. (That was a double-cross on Hogan, in fact. Obviously they backed the wrong horse in retrospect.) That was to protect Sid, but in retrospect they needn’t have bothered, since he was gone weeks later anyway. It’s a DQ at 12:26 for no adequately explored reason, and Papa Shango finally gets out there for the beatdown…until Ultimate Warrior makes a shocking return and blows the roof off the place. Good thing they had his music ready. Well, Hogan’s good Wrestlemania match streak ends at 3. ¼* Some cosmetic changes to Warrior had people guessing that it wasn’t Jim Hellwig, but believe me, I wasn’t that lucky. – By the way, the tape closes with an apology from Coliseum video for advertising a Bulldog v. Berzerker match on the box that didn’t happen. While it’s nice they would actually acknowledge their own false advertising for once (the show was running long and the match was ditched), there’s not really any apology needed for THAT cut. The Bottom Line: Another one of my favorite Wrestlemanias, with two great matches and one stinker of a main event that at least had one of the biggest surprise endings in WM history to bail it out somewhat. But it’s definitely worth a look. Highly recommended.
Wrestlemania Countdown: 8
8th March 2012 by Scott Keith
(2012 Scott sez: OK, I’m pretty sure we’ve reached the point where there’s a maximum of two versions of each rant to slog through.) The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VIII – Live from Indianapolis, Indiana. Original airdate: April 5, 1992 – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan.– Personal reminiscence: This was the last Wrestlemania that I had to watch on closed-circuit TV rather than PPV, because in 1992 Edmonton finally got PPV capability. In this case, the only place close that was showing it was a hotel in a rather out-of-the-way chunk of Edmonton called Sherwood Park. Sadly, I can’t even remember the name of it now. But I did get a cool Wrestlemania logo mug, which I proudly retain and use to this day. (Sadly, that mug disappeared sometime in 2004 during my move from Edmonton to Saskatoon. I suspect someone tried to mix painkillers and alcohol in it.) Anyway, there ended up being a couple of hundred people packed into a ballroom that was only expecting 40 or 50, and the atmosphere for the show in that room alone was pretty awesome. – Opening match: Tito Santana v. Shawn Michaels. The more things change, the more they really, really change. This was the end of Santana’s WWF career and the beginning of Shawn’s rise to the top. Good choice for the opener. Michaels and Sherri are nowhere near over yet, despite the coolest jacket ever: “I’m too sexy for this crowd.” (You’ll note my perspective on that jacket changes with about 5 years of hindsight.) And “Sexy Boy” sounds so weird still being sung by Sherri. Sherri looks skanky and pudgy as ever, so nice to know some things are constant. It’s funny comparing then and now, actually — I didn’t buy Michaels as any kind of legit title threat until 1994, and I certainly didn’t buy him as a possible World champion until he almost won the thing from Diesel in 1995. Quite a bit of stalling and a few good bumps from Shawn about sum this one up. Another “then and now” moment: The main event, the show stopper, the scene stealer, the ICON…in the opening match? Side-headlocks a go-go from Tito. Shawn hits the Sweet Chin Music at one point, but the move isn’t over yet so does minimal damage. He was using the teardrop suplex at this point, btw, and for those who ask a teardrop suplex is, for lack of a better description, a released backdrop suplex. Pretty nasty if done right. (Generally lame, though.) The match has a hot ending, however, as Shawn sells like a champ before reversing a slam attempt into a pin. Ending looked a bit messed up for some reason. *1/2 – Mean Gene brings out the LOD and Paul Ellering for a *lengthy* interview. This was the precursor to Rocco, which I pray will never be spoken of again. By anyone. – Jake Roberts v. The Undertaker. Now *this* is how you bury a guy whose contract is up. This is shortly after the UT’s face turn, and he’s getting mega-pops even then. This is the “final justice” match for all the bad stuff Jake did during his “Trust me” run, and boy does he *ever* get his. UT no-sells everything and then some, including the DDT, and easily pins Jake after tombstoning him on the floor. An utter and complete slaughter. DUD, but a satisfying one for those sick of Jake’s heel tactics. (In hindsight, Jake made the worst decision of his career when he decided to hold up Vince for more money and jump to WCW. 2-0 for Undertaker!) – WWF Intercontinental title: Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart. Piper had substituted for Bret at the Royal Rumble, winning the I-C title from the Mountie, who had in turn won the title from Bret a few days prior. So now Bret and Piper fight. (I definitely used to take “Brevity is the soul of wit” to heart.) This is a lesson in ring psychology, as Bret and Roddy play mindgames with each other the entire match. Bret debuts the “goldbricking” routine that Diesel fell victim to at Survivor Series 1995. Bret juices, just for the hell of it. (Although he told everyone that it was accidental, wink wink.) Piper works very stiff here, with noticeable results. Ref gets bumped and Piper teases a heel turn with the ringbell before the fans change his mind. He goes for the sleeper instead, but Bret walks the ropes and rolls through for the pin and the title. **** Piper’s best match in the WWF, IMO. Piper and Hart do the Babyface Embrace after the match. (Way to short-shrift this match, Scott.) – Bobby introduces us to “future WBF champion” Lex Luger. Whoever thought the WBF was a good idea? Oh, yeah, same guy who thought the XFL is. (And the WWE Network. And WWE Films. Although now I’m wondering when I wrote this, because it’s lacking match times and meaningful recapping, but I’m making XFL jokes here which would place it in 2001 when I should have been doing both of those things.) – The Nasty Boys & Repo Man & The Mountie v. Jim Duggan & Sgt. Slaughter & Virgil & Big Bossman. Oh, wow, it’s the “8 suckiest guys in wrestling today in the same match” match. Okay, that’s not fair — Jacques Rougeau isn’t that bad. Ray Combs does a lame ring introduction, mocking the heels. Hold on! Shawn Michaels has left the building. Whew, I feel better now. This is not as incredibly bad as you might think it is, which is to say it’s not quite a DUD. Virgil pins Knobs after a miscommunication spot. 1/2* – WWF World title: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage. This is the blowoff for the “She was mine before she was yours” feud. I never really cared for the “sign the match, then add the angle” approach to this, but it won Feud of the Year or Angle of the Year or something on RSPW, so I guess many disagreed with me. This is arguably Savage’s last really great match in the WWF, with the possible exception of Savage v. Warrior from Summerslam 1992. Super-hot crowd. Perfect is almost Togo-ish in his TOTAL DICKHOOD~! (See, again, I’m all over Dick Togo’s jock here, which would place this in my Michinoku Pro fanboy phase around 1999. I’m confused.) Flair blades, and I was half-expecting Savage to join him in a sympathy blade, but no dice. (Yeah, and Flair got REAMED by Vince after the match for doing that, so no wonder Savage didn’t follow suit.) Flair dominates, but Savage makes the superhero comeback and destroys Flair, finally hitting the big elbow. But Perfect yanks him out of the ring to make the save. What a jerk (You know it’s a good character when you can still sit back years later and think he’s a total jerk for doing that). Flair tries the old brass knucks, but Savage kicks out. They cheat outrageously some more, allowing Flair to get the figure-four. He destroys Savage’s knee unmercifully, but stalls one time too many and allows Savage to roll him up out of nowhere for the pin and title. ****1/4 Great match. Flair goes after Liz and a wild brawl erupts. Savage finally gets his moment of glory, without You-Know-Who posing in the background. Good for him. – Flair gives a classic ranting and raving interview, where he conveniently ignores the 14 or so rule violations committed by himself and focuses on Savage’s pulling of the tights. – Savage responds with his own psychotic interview. Great feud. – We pretty much go downhill from there. – Rick Martel v. Tatanka. Tatanka was getting the Maivia-level push at this time, despite his near-total lack of talent. (Again, Rocky Maivia references, so this would be 98-99. I wonder if I edited that XFL joke in later?) Nothing match here, only there to put Tatanka over. T-t-t-t-t-t-tanka rolls through a body block for the pin. *1/2 – WWF Tag Team Title: Money, Inc. v. The Natural Disasters. Jimmy Hart had recently swerved the Disasters and gone over to Dibiase & IRS, setting up this match. Earthquake and Typhoon basically mop the ring with the champs for a few minutes, before they run away, giving the Disasters a countout win. DUD Well, one screwjob so far ain’t bad. (This was supposed to be Money Inc v. Legion of Doom as I recall, but Hawk was falling fast.) – Owen Hart v. Skinner. Could’ve been good, but time constraints dictated otherwise. (Much like this rant, apparently. Was I rushing through this or what?) Skinner gets a few big moves in quickly, but Owen kicks out and rolls him up for a very quick pin. DUD – Main Event: Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice. Standard “Hogan gets betrayed” blowoff match. The formula was getting very old by this point. Kick and punch, heel gets the Big Move, Hogan kicks out and Hulks Up, boot, legdrop. Except he doesn’t get the pin — Papa Shango was supposed to run in and break up the count, but he didn’t make down in time and Sid was forced to kick out. Oops. It wasn’t a shoot, despite popular opinion on the ‘net. Sid & Shango put the beats on Hogan until…THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR RUNS IN! Wow, was this an electrifying moment when it happened. Incredible way to end the show, as Hogan and Warrior pose in happier times. Match is maybe 1/4* I shudder to think how bad it can get next month. (See, there I’m referencing the impending Hogan v. Warrior match at Halloween Havoc 98, so I must have edited that XFL line in at a later date. I hate it when people mess with my mind, especially when it’s me.) The Bottom Line: One of the most memorable Wrestlemanias, and for good reason. Two ****+ matches and the biggest surprise ending ever. Wow. Required viewing material for all wrestling fans, I think. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VIII – Live from Indianapolis, IN. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Bobby Heenan. – Opening match: Shawn Michaels v. Tito Santana. Shawn brings new meaning to “classy” by wearing a jacket that says “I’m too sexy for this crowd”, thus not only being a jerk, but also making an incredibly dated reference. Very weird hearing Sherri sing “Sexy Boy” instead of Shawn. Shoving match to start and Tito wins a slugfest and gets a quick crossbody for two. He grabs a headlock on Shawn and holds on, but Shawn slugs out and they criss-cross until Tito clotheslines him to the floor. Back in, Tito goes back to the headlock, but Shawn pounds him in the corner to escape and slugs away. Tito reverses him into the other corner and outsmarts Shawn, going back to the headlock. He gets two off that a few times, hanging on tight. Small package gets two. Back to the headlock for two. Shawn tosses him to escape, as Tito takes a good bump over the top and Shawn pounds him on the apron. Back in, backbreaker gets two. We hit the chinlock, and Tito fights out of it, but walks into the superkick. Since that didn’t get established as his finisher until 1995, it’s not over yet. Shawn goes for his real finisher, the teardrop suplex, but Tito fights out of it. He puts his head down too soon and gets nailed, but comes back with the flying jalapeno and Shawn goes for a ride right out of the ring. They brawl on the floor and Tito brings him back in for a slingshot shoulderblock. Kneelift sends Shawn flying into the corner, and an atomic drop sets up El Pace With Extra Piquante, but Shawn takes a powder to the floor. Back to the apron and Tito goes to slam him back in, but Shawn shifts his weight and gets the pin at 10:37. I assume Sherri was supposed to be cheating there or something, but it didn’t work out that way. Still, good match, although not “HBK” level good. *** (Same basic match recap as before, with the same observations and beats, but much more expanded now. And usually I’m not sitting there reading my old stuff and copying it, I just make the same observations again and think I’m saying something fresh and original.) – Mean Gene re-introduces the LOD, in the storyline that would bring Paul Ellering to the WWF…and Rocco the dummy. Don’t ask. (See?) – Jake Roberts v. Undertaker. This was just after Undertaker’s face turn, as he saved Elizabeth from Roberts, and it was Jake’s last match in the WWF before jumping to WCW. Jake evades him to start and slugs away, to no effect. Another shot puts Taker on the floor, but he pulls Jake out with him and proceeds to ass-kicking. Back in, Jake kneelifts him coming through the ropes and keeps punching, but that gets him nowhere, as UT calmly chokes him out in the corner and won’t let him leave. Well, it’s no TRIANGLE choke, but you could see the MMA influence already starting! Okay, I made that up. Yeah, more choking. Taker drops an elbow and gets the flying clothesline, but Jake DDTs him. Taker no-sells and keeps choking, so Jake hits him with a short clothesline and another DDT. And it’s zombie sit-up #2 while Jake goes after Paul Bearer, which pisses Undertaker off enough that he tombstones Jake on the floor, and tosses him back in for the pin at 6:41. That was basically Jake passing the “creepy babyface” torch to Undertaker, and I guess it worked. ½* – Intercontinental title: Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart. This was of course set up by the Mountie being an unlikely transition champion, beating Bret at a house show and losing the title to Piper at Royal Rumble, so with Bret demanding his mandatory rematch, this was the result. They fight over a lockup and Piper armdrags him. Another lockup, and now Bret gets the armdrag. Piper takes him down to the mat and Bret sends him to the floor to escape, and a shoving match results. Piper asks for the test of strength, although considering Piper looks like he weighs a buck-fifty as this point I don’t know how smart that is. (Yeah, Piper suddenly going off the roids in 92 made for quite the visual contrast to his younger and juicier days.) They trade wristlocks off that and Piper throws a chop, but can’t break free. He rams Bret into the corner to get out, but Bret goes back to it again and yanks Piper to the mat for an armbar. Piper escapes, so Bret dropkicks him, and hurts his shoulder on the bump. Piper is concerned…until Bret cradles for two. Ha! Piper gives him a slap for being sneakier than him, and now it’s on. Criss-cross and they tumble out on a Bret crossbody. Piper offers him save haven back in, and Bret takes it. But then Piper suckerpunches him. He stomps away as Bret blades (and later lied about it to prevent punishment for it) and Piper bulldogs him for two. Piper works on the cut and kneelifts him for two. He socks Bret right in the cut, but Bret gets a sunset flip for two. Piper keeps on the cut and peppers it with punches, for two. They slug it out and Bret forearms him out to the floor, but he heads right back in and they clothesline each other. Piper recovers first and goes up, but Bret was also goldbricking and crotches him, then brings him down by the hair. Atomic drop and suplex get two. Russian legsweep gets two. Backbreaker and he goes for the Sharpshooter, but Piper blocks it, so Bret drops an elbow on him and goes up, hitting boot on the way down. They slug it out and Bret headlocks him, but the ref is bumped. They fight outside and Bret eats stairs, and Piper grabs the bell. The crowd completely freaks out, not wanting to see Piper turn heel on him, but Piper shows mercy and leaves it alone, opting for the sleeper instead. However, that costs him the title, as Bret pushes off the ropes and rolls over for the pin and the title at 13:49, a move that he would later bring back to beat Steve Austin in 1996. Piper teases another heel turn, and then does the right thing and straps the title on Bret. This was not only a great match, but one of the only clean jobs Piper did in his WWF career. **** (You know who else he did a clean job to? Jimmy Superfly Snuka! Yes, that’s right, the father of current diva Tamina Snuka, in case you hadn’t heard.) (Yeah, I got another Snuka joke in there. Because I’m a PROFESSIONAL.) – Bobby Heenan introduces us to the newest WBF superstar, Lex Luger. Never heard of him. – Big Bossman, Sgt. Slaughter, Virgil & Hacksaw Duggan v. Mountie, The Nasty Boys & Repo Man. Our running dead people tally continues, as Ray Combs does the ring introductions here. Big brawl to start, as the faces send the heels running and quadruple-team Repo Man. We start proper with Sags and Duggan, as Sags attacks him from behind and rams him into the turnbuckle, but Duggan comes back with a pair of clotheslines and an atomic drop. Slaughter, a year removed from being an Iraqi turncoat in the main event (Biggest fall from main event glory: This, Bundy at Wrestlemania III, or Savage at Wrestlemania VI?), gets a gutbuster on Knobs and Bossman follows with a big boot. He slugs away in the corner, but misses a charge, and Repo Man comes in and dodges a splash. He jumps on the back a few times, but lands on Bossman’s fist in an awkward place and Bossman slugs him down and brings in Virgil. Dropkick and he goes up with a high cross for two. The Mountie lays him out from behind and Repo gets a backdrop suplex and suckers Duggan in, allowing for some shenanigans. Sags gets a pumphandle slam for two. Mountie comes in and gets caught by Bossman with a spinebuster, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Knobs punches Virgil in the broken nose, but heel miscommunication results in Virgil pinning him at 6:31. Total mess. ½* – WWF title match: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage. This is the famous “she was mine before she was yours” angle that would have been 100x better (and that’s saying something) if they had come up with it BEFORE the match was booked. On the other hand, you could just argue that Flair was playing mindgames with Savage after he found out he’d be defending against him. Savage beats on Flair outside to start, but gets distracted by Perfect, allowing Flair to start chopping. Savage hits him with a clothesline and knees him into the corner, then follows with a clothesline and a back elbow for two. He goes to the eyes, drawing the attention of the ref, but charges Flair and gets backdropped to the floor as a result. Flair follows and stomps on the knee, and back in he keeps stomping on Savage. Into the corner for some chops to set up a delayed suplex, which gets two. Backdrop suplex gets two. He whips Savage around and into a chop for two. Kneedrop and Savage bails to take a breather, so Flair follows and rams the back into the apron. Back in, suplex gets two. Flair whips him into the corner again to stay on the back, and stomps him down in the corner. They slug it out as Savage comes back, and a neckbreaker draws the double count. Flair goes for a running punch, but Savage blocks and slugs him into the corner, allowing Flair to go up, but Savage slams him off and makes the comeback. Backdrop out of the corner and a pair of clotheslines, and it’s a Flair Flip, as Savage slams him off the top for two. Savage comes back with a clothesline to put Flair on the floor, and follows with a double axehandle that sends Flair into the railing, and he blades. Flair wasn’t smart enough to claim it was hardway, like Bret did, so he was fined and very nearly fired for it. Savage suplexes him on the floor and pounds on him back in the ring, then follows with the double axehandle for two. Up top for the flying elbow, but Perfect pulls out Savage at two. Savage, understandably, is upset and chases after him, but that allows Flair to grab an international object and nail Savage with it for two. Flair gets frustrated and pounds away, then chokes him down, allowing Perfect to ram a chair into his knee behind the ref’s back. And now, WHOO, we go to school, but Elizabeth heads down to ringside to provide support as Flair gets the figure-four. The heat is just insane at this point. Flair slaps him around when he won’t stay down, but Savage fights back and reverses it. Flair breaks the hold, but stays on the knee, until Savage gets a small package for two. Into the corner, as Flair hits on Liz and beats on the knee, into a kneecrusher, but he gives one “whoo” too many and Savage rolls him up for the pin with a handful of tights at 18:01 to win his second WWF title. Started slow, but once they got into the groove, they had the crowd in the palm of their hands with great near-falls and crazy heat. ****1/4 Flair gives Liz a goodbye kiss, and Savage goes nuts on him, triggering a huge brawl until the refs pull them apart. Sadly, we would never see the naked centerfold of Elizabeth promised in the buildup by Perfect & Flair. (The guy next to me in the lounge, after witnessing one of the great Wrestlemania matches in history up to that point, got upset and ranted to me about how the match was too short and Flair had only ever lost the title in 30 minute marathons up to that point, as though the WWF was regularly in the habit of giving ANYONE 20 minutes at a time.) – Rick Martel v. Tatanka. This was fairly early in Tatanka’s run, although he would go on to draw pretty decent money against Yokozuna of all people in 1993, before self-destructing. Tatanka slams Martel and chases him from the ring while Bobby Heenan goes ballistic on Monsoon over the last match. Martel misses a charge back in the ring and Tatanka works on the arm, but gets taken down by Martel with a choke. He tosses Tatanka and they head back in, as Martel uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and a backbreaker, but goes up and gets crotched for his troubles. Tatanka comes back with chops and a backdrop, chopping him down. Martel catches him with slam, however, and clotheslines him, but Tatanka finishes with a crossbody at 4:30. Weak. ¾* – WWF tag title match: Money Inc. v. The Natural Disasters. Dibiase starts with Quake and gets overpowered. The Disasters clean house on them and the champs regroup. Back in, and the Disasters work on IRS’s arm, and Typhoon hiptosses him. IRS tries to bail, but gets caught by the tie and rammed into the turnbuckles. Typhoon charges and misses, however, and Dibiase comes in, but gets whipped into the corner, too. Typhoon charges and hits the floor, however, and Dibiase hammers away in the corner, and Money Inc gets the double-team clothesline for two. Double back elbow and IRS goes to the front facelock, and it’s a false tag to Earthquake. Dibiase gets two on Typhoon in the meantime. Double clothesline, crowd still doesn’t care. I never got why the Disasters were turned into the big babyface team of 1992, since they were never particularly over and didn’t have particularly good matches. “Hot” tag Earthquake, and he clotheslines everyone and dumps Dibiase. Typhoon splashes IRS and Quake goes for the butt splash, but Dibiase pulls IRS out and they take a walk at 8:37. Slow, dull match with a really bad finish. * – Owen Hart v. Skinner. Skinner sprays him with tobacco juice to catch him off-guard, and gets a shoulderbreaker. Inverted DDT gets two. He adds some headbutts, but Owen skins the cat after getting tossed, and rolls him up for the pin at 1:10. Not one of Owen’s best matches. DUD – Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice. This was SUPPOSED to be Hogan’s retirement match, but he just kept coming back. The show is running long at this point, too. Sid attacks him to start, and Hogan punches him out of the ring and finishes his posing. We start proper as Sid knees him in the gut and pounds away in the corner. Hogan slugs him out of the ring. Back in, Sid calls for the test of strength like every other idiot heel in WWF history, and gets Hogan down to his knees, but he fights back up again. Sid takes him into the corner with knees, and chokeslams him. Sid stops to give his “Do unto the man…” line to the camera and the match is suddenly 10x better, since Sid isn’t doing anything. He uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and Hogan bails, so Sid follows and hits him with Harvey’s medical bag. Wonder if that was George Zahorian’s bag? Back in, Sid uses the VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM as I go change my laundry. Hogan fights out, so Sid sideslams him and powerbombs him, but it’s Hulk Up Time, punch punch punch big boot legdrop…and then a very interesting moment as Papa Shango was supposed to run in and break up the count, but misses his cue, forcing Sid to kick out. (That was a double-cross on Hogan, in fact. Obviously they backed the wrong horse in retrospect.) That was to protect Sid, but in retrospect they needn’t have bothered, since he was gone weeks later anyway. It’s a DQ at 12:26 for no adequately explored reason, and Papa Shango finally gets out there for the beatdown…until Ultimate Warrior makes a shocking return and blows the roof off the place. Good thing they had his music ready. Well, Hogan’s good Wrestlemania match streak ends at 3. ¼* Some cosmetic changes to Warrior had people guessing that it wasn’t Jim Hellwig, but believe me, I wasn’t that lucky. – By the way, the tape closes with an apology from Coliseum video for advertising a Bulldog v. Berzerker match on the box that didn’t happen. While it’s nice they would actually acknowledge their own false advertising for once (the show was running long and the match was ditched), there’s not really any apology needed for THAT cut. The Bottom Line: Another one of my favorite Wrestlemanias, with two great matches and one stinker of a main event that at least had one of the biggest surprise endings in WM history to bail it out somewhat. But it’s definitely worth a look. Highly recommended.
Wrestlemania Countdown: 7
8th March 2012 by Scott Keith
The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VII (2012 Scott sez: Jesus fuck, ANOTHER three-version Wrestlemania rant. Before I was married, I had so much time on my hands that I could apparently just sit around and watch the same damn shows OVER AND OVER. Actually, that’s pretty accurate, come to think of it.) – Live from Los Angeles, California and the Memorial Coliseum…oh, wait, that’s just in Vince’s dreams. It’s actually the much smaller Sports Arena. Bomb threat my ass… Original airdate: March 24, 1991 – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan, plus a host of others.– Opening match: The Rockers v. Haku & Barbarian. Yup, the Faces of Fear actually got started as a team in the WWF. Wicked move as the Rockers double-team Haku, but Barbarian runs in with a clothesline on both guys that results in a double-somersault-oversell. Cool stuff. The Rockers must not be stoned tonight. (Or, more accurately, they were getting better at hiding it.) Marty holds his own with Barbarian but gets caught in the corner and double-teamed, then stun-gunned while attempting a rana on Haku. Jannetty bumps like a madman to hold it together. A Barbarian flying headbutt misses, allowing Marty to hot tag Shawn, who does some nicely timed stuff to hold off the heels. Double dropkick on Haku and then a dropkick off the top from Marty leads to a bodypress off the top from Shawn for the pin. The Rockers could do no wrong at this point, and this is proof. *** – Kiss-ass celebrity interview segment with Regis Philbin, Marla Maples and Alex Trebek. – Kerry Von Erich v. Dino Bravo. Okay, this is just a little creepy, considering the current state of both guys. Nothing match as both guys had already outlived their usefulness to the federation, and there was a suicide watch on Kerry to boot. (No pun intended.) Bravo gets the side slam, but it only gets two. He follows with something off the second rope, but gets caught with the clawhold, and Von Erich finishes it with the discus punch, possibly the worst finisher in history. 1/4* (Hey now, there’s a long tradition of heroic muscle men winding up their punches to add maximum impact!) – The Warlord v. The British Bulldog. There was some sort of issue here that I might have cared about in 1991 but I can’t be bothered to remember it now. The match ran about 8 minutes originally and is clipped to about two here, thankfully. Warlord wears down Bulldog and gets the FULL-NELSON OF DOOM, but Bulldog breaks it and powerslams him for the pin. 1/4* – WWF World tag team title match: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys. Vince stole the Nasties from WCW a few months prior to this and I guess they wanted to justify the contracts or something. (I think “stole” is a bit strong, as WCW didn’t see much in them anyway.) This marks the end of the first phase of Bret’s WWF career. Nasties have zero heat. Jimmy Hart just happens to be wearing a motorcycle helmet. The subtlety just boggles the mind. We get a shot of Macauley Culkin in the crowd and Gorilla completely misses the significance. The Harts are just amazingly over, and they do the impossible and carry the Nasties to a watchable match here. Bret works in the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM early on. Match slows down (waaaaay down) as Sags works on Bret with a rear chinlock. Nasties blow a move, and we get the false tag to Neidhart. Sags gets nailed with the megaphone by mistake and Neidhart gets the tag for real. Nasties get demolished and Hart Attacked, but Bret gets escorted from the ring, allowing Sags to nail Neidhart with that conveniently present motorcycle helmet and win the WWF tag team titles. Better than it had any right to be. **1/2 (That helmet actually falls under the cinematic convention of establishing that the gun is present all the way in the first act of the movie and then paying it off at the end. Also known as the banana peel theory: Show the banana peel, show the banana peel, slip on the banana peel.) – Blindfold match: Rick Martel v. Jake Roberts. This one falls under “dumb ideas stolen from Kevin Sullivan”. The High Concept: Both guys are blindfolded, to symbolize Jake’s blindness at the hands of Martel. (Or from exceptionally cheap hooch. Grizzly Smith WAS a backwoods mountain man.) Jake encourages the crowd to cheer louder when he points to where Martel is. Not exactly much contact being made as they spend most of the match standing in the corners trying to figure out where the other guy is. Martel gets his hands on Jake, finally, and puts him in the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out, then gropes around long enough to find Martel and DDT him for the pin. There was maybe 5 points total where contact was made. Easily the worst-ever Wrestlemania match at –**** (I wouldn’t say “easily” in a world with Bossman v. Undertaker. I think this was written before that, though.) – Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker. Even in 91, the *Bong* got a good pop. Too bad it took another couple of years for them to figure out that turning out the lights made it even louder. This marks two years in a row that Snuka gets to be Designated Squash Victim. (More importantly, Snuka gets to be the guy who makes Undertaker 1-0) The flying clothesline gets a big pop. Undertaker manhandles Superfly with so little emotion that the fans don’t know what to make of him. Snuka slingshots into the ring, and was supposed to be caught and tombstoned, but someone messes up and UT has to put him down, then pick him up and tombstone him again. Either way, it’s an easy pin that actually gets a face pop for UT. DUD (Snuka’s Wrestlemania career may have ended here, but luckily his legacy lives on in his daughter, Tamina. Ironically, Tamina is also the daughter of WWE Legend Superfly Jimmy Snuka! And now you know the rest of the story.) – Retirement match: The Ultimate Warrior v. Randy Savage. Bobby Heenan points out that Elizabeth is sitting ringside. (Show the banana peel…) Geez, she couldn’t even get front row. Warrior wisely decides to not run to ringside. Savage takes his top off, showing that he means business. Doesn’t help, as Warrior methodically destroys Savage in a manner totally unlike him. Savage comes off the top but gets caught by Warrior, and then, in an Eddy Guerrero-like moment, Warrior simply puts him down and slaps him. Ooooo, you could get shot for doing shit like that in Mexico. Warrior paces himself nicely, slowly beating the hell out of Savage. He finally goes high-risk and misses a cross-corner charge, sending him flying out of the ring, where Sherri abuses him. Has Sherri been drinking “Ass Bulk 2000” or something? (No, but she did end up drinking booze and painkillers one time too many. Sad face.) Savage sends Warrior to the post and Sherri lays in more punishment. Warrior calmly comes back in the ring and clotheslines Savage out of his boots. Flying shouldblock misses and Savage gets two. Sleeper, and Warrior fights out, but they do the double-knockout bit. Warrior with a small package, but Sherri is distracting the ref. Savage decks Warrior from behind, bumping the ref in the process. But Sherri’s interference backfires and she knocks out Savage. Warrior chases her around, and gets cradled for two. Savage with a stun-gun and the running necksnap for two. Savage drops the big elbow! But it’s not enough, so he drops…FOUR MORE! Seriously, the guy drops five flying elbows on Warrior, just to be a dick. And it only gets two, which didn’t really matter at the time because Savage was supposed to be retiring anyway, so who cared if his move was ruined. (I have to wonder if they legitimately thought Savage was retiring at that point, because that was such a bizarre spot otherwise.) Warrior re-energizes and blitzes Savage with the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DEATH, then the Gorilla Press and splash. *That* only gets two, and now Warrior doesn’t know what to do. He has an epiphanic moment, as he talks to his hands, looking for advice. He starts to walk away from the match, but Savage jumps him from behind. (Gorilla Monsoon, normally a guy who doesn’t tolerate bullshit as an announcer, was beyond stupid here having to talk about Warrior speaking to his gods.) That’s apparently good enough an answer for Warrior, as he moves out of the way of the double-axehandle, sending Savage crashing to the steel railing. He tosses Savage back into the ring and spears Savage, which puts Savage onto the floor. He does it again, sending Savage out again. Finally he throws Savage back in one last time, hits the shoulderblock, and places a foot on his chest to win the match. Warrior’s best match ever. ****1/2 – Extra-curricular activities that lend this match it’s legendary status: Sherri is, shall we say, somewhat miffed at her money source being retired, so she takes out her frustrations on the beaten and helpless Savage. Big boos for that. And then, in one of the great moments of wrestling, Elizabeth finally takes an active role, running out of the audience to make the save and sending Sherri running. Savage wakes up and realizes what happened, then finally reconciles with Elizabeth after two years, bringing tears to every woman (and some of the men) in the arena. (Not me. Just dust in my eye from all the manly stuff I had been doing outside that day, like roping horses while smoking unfiltered Marlboros and drinking whiskey. In fact, it was probably the incredibly carcinogenic smoke that was in my eyes.) Unbelievably great booking as both Warrior and Savage go out on top with a face pop. As a symbolic gesture, Savage holds the ropes open for Liz before leaving, which is Savage’s way of apologizing for years of abuse. See, sometimes it *can* be Shakespeare, kids. Don’t ever let ’em tell you different. (Although if Vince wrote Hamlet, the hero would probably change his mind 14 times before revealing that he killed his own father and was working with Claudius all along.) – Demolition v. Genichiro Tenyru & Koji Kitao. Witness the last match for Demolition before Smash goes solo as Repo Man and Crush goes solo as Crush. No one knows or gives a shit about the Japanese faction, which makes me wonder about the point of this. Demos go for Decapitation, but Kitao pushes Crush off the top and Tenryu powerbombs Smash for the pin. This was nothing. 1/2* – Intercontinental title match: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman. (So many dead people on this show. Every time I go back and do a re-rant the list grows longer and longer. I’m only 37, I shouldn’t be watching all my childhood heroes dying before I even get to middle age.) Heenan started insulting Bossman’s mother in mid-1990, and Bossman responded by mowing down every member of Heenan’s family, leading up to a title match with Hennig. Hennig and Heenan reference Rodney King in the pre-match interview. Bossman mops up with Hennig, but he misses a charge outside the ring and hits the stairs. Heenan lays into Bossman, and Andre the Giant suddenly strides out of the dressing room to help Bossman! Well, as suddenly as Andre moved at the time. Andre grabs the title belt from ringside, and when Hennig lips him off about it, Andre casually smacks him with it, knocking him out. Bossman covers for two, and the nWo…er…Heenan Family runs in for the lame DQ. Hmm, that’s a weird ending for a show with nothing but clean pins up to that point. All standard logic pointed to Bossman winning the title here, but it didn’t happen. Still, the face went over, leaving the fans happy. ** – Earthquake v. Greg Valentine. Valentine turned face as MSG to set this up, and it ends just as briskly. Earthquake absorbs punishment from Hammer for a while and then finishes it with the Quake splash. * – The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory. The Parade O’ Squashes continues, as LOD wipes out Roma and Hercules in something like 8 seconds with the Doomsday Device. Next. DUD – Ted Dibiase v. Virgil. I assume y’all know the story here. Virgil turns on Dibiase at Royal Rumble to go face, and turns to Roddy Piper for training advice. This was just after Piper’s first hip replacement surgery, which is covered by a “motorcycle accident” story. (That doesn’t sound right to me. I think it actually was a motorcycle accident, although I could be thinking of Vince. My life is definitely easier in the age of Wikipedia, I’ll say that.) Virgil boxes with Dibiase to start, as he plays the role of a manager who is learning to wrestle, even though he really can wrestle. Dibiase gains control for a bit, then goes outside to shove the crippled Piper off his chair. Cheap but effective. Dibiase comes off the ropes and Piper hooks the ropes with the crutch, giving Virgil the countout win. I believe this was clipped. Dibiase puts Virgil out with the Million Dollar Dream and Piper limps in to make the save with his crutch, drawing Sherri out of the dressing room as Dibiase’s new manager. They destroy Piper’s knee for fun. Match is 1/2* if that. Danny Davis tries to take the crutch away from Piper and Piper lets him have it right in the nuts. EEEEEEEE-YOWCH! (Speaking as someone who spent a long stretch on crutches in my younger years, I can tell you that whacking someone in the junk with an aluminum crutch is a tremendous way to get them to never pick on you again.) – The Mountie v. Tito Santana. One last match before the main. You’d think Tito would have lost the Strike Force tights TWO YEARS after the breakup. Very quick match as Tito goes after Mountie in the ropes and Jimmy Hart gives Mountie the cattle prod to allow an easy pinfall. DUD – WWF World title match: Sgt. Slobber v. Hulk Hogan. One year after the most interesting angle of Hogan’s career (to that time, anyway), he’s back to fighting the Evil Foreign Menace. Hogan hammers on Sarge for the first 6 or 7 minutes, but Slaughter catches him coming off the top rope (!) to take control. Hogan blades after a chairshot. This is a really, really long match for Hogan. I would just like to note right now that I would give good money to see Hogan come back to the WWF and win the World title right away, then defend it at the Survivor Series. Against Bret Hart. With Vince McMahon at ringside. I think that would be enough of an apology for Bret. I’d love just to see the look on Hulk’s face after being screwed. That would be so glorious. (Of course, he DID come back to the WWF three years after I wrote that, and he DID win the World title right away, but sadly he dropped it in the ring to Undertaker.) Anyway, the usual Hogan match follows here, as Slobber puts him in the dread REAR CHINLOCK OF HIDEOUS DISCOMFORT, but Hogan fights out, rips up the Iraqi flag, hits the big boot and legdrop, and gets the WWF title for the third time. And that’s that. **1/4 The Bottom Line: This show has a bad rap for some reason, but barring the main event it’s really quite good for a WWF show. All the faces went over in the important matches, and the heels went over where it was needed to build them up. And the bad stuff was short. Recommended show. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VII (Once again, the middle portion of the rant, which I have no patience for, so probably don’t look for much here beyond a Tamina joke. The entire rant is basically the same, but with match times, so I don’t know why the fuck I bothered. These days I’m like “Oh man, can I squeeze in an hour of Wrestlemania 27 after Smackdown on Friday so I can do the whole thing before this year’s show?” and back then I’m randomly redoing perfectly cromulent rants because I had nothing else going on all day after I got home from work early in the morning.) – This is from an original Coliseum tape that I bought from a video store years ago, so it’s clipped. Fun fact: I’ve never seen the full version of this show, because they stopped showing Wrestlemania on closed-circuit after VI, and PPV didn’t come to Edmonton until Summerslam 92. This is also the last Coliseum version to be clipped, because from then on the PPV broadcast had to conform to the 2:40 standard. – Live from Los Angeles, CA. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a rotating crew of color men. – Opening match: Haku & Barbarian v. The Rockers. This was a weird time for the Rockers, because they were constantly trying to tease the breakup, but Shawn was having the best matches of his career up until that point. Common wisdom was the newly-pushed Haku & Barbarian getting the easy win here. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn and then rams him backfirst into the corner and whips him around, but Shawn escapes into a criss-cross, and gets a shoulderblock to take him down. They trade wristlocks and Haku slugs away, but Marty comes in for a double elbow…and Barbarian hits both of them with a clothesline, for a Double Jannetty Sell. They respond with a double superkick, and the heels bail. Good stuff. Back in, Barbarian chops on Marty and headbutts him down, but Marty uses speed to evade him and tries a sunset flip. Barbarian blocks it, so Marty goes up with a rana instead. That gets two. Barbarian headbutts him again and brings in Haku for more headbutts, but Marty tries another rana, which gets turned into a hotshot to turn the tide and make Marty YOUR alcoholic-in-peril. Haku with a back elbow and Barbarian adds some double-teaming, and then a press slam. He cuts off the tag by drawing Shawn in, and some shenanigans in the heel corner result. Marty & Haku collide, but Haku recovers first and stomps away. Marty takes another hard bump into the corner and Haku follows with a pair of backbreakers, and we’re clipped a bit to Barbarian going up and missing a diving headbutt. Hot tag Shawn and he hammers on Barbarian in the corner and hits Haku with a crossbody, and then follows with a neckbreaker for two. Haku goes to the eyes, but Shawn gets a sunset flip for one. It’s BONZO GONZO and Barbarian gets dumped, and the Rockers both go up with a missile dropkick from Marty to set up a high cross from Shawn that finishes at 8:40. Super hot opener, with the classic big man v. little man dynamic. ***1/4 – Kerry Von Erich v. Dino Bravo. Kerry was already nearing the end of his usefulness to the WWF at this point, less than a year into his run with them. Bravo attacks to start and dumps Kerry, and they brawl outside. Back in, Kerry comes back with an atomic drop and slugs away, but Bravo blocks the clawhold. Kerry charges and hits knee, and Bravo follows with an atomic drop and elbow for two. Bravo tries the CLUBBING FOREARMS, but Kerry fights him off, so Bravo gets the sideslam for two. Kerry comes back with the claw and finishes with the Discus Punch at 2:45. Real bad. DUD – Warlord v. The British Bulldog. They fight over a lockup and Warlord gets a quick knee, but Bulldog overpowers him and he bails. Back in, Warlord counters a crucifix with a samoan drop, and we’re obviously clipped via a rant from Slick outside. Warlord tries the full-nelson, but Bulldog fights out and finishes with the powerslam at 2:30. About a million edits here, and that’s probably for the best. DUD – WWF tag team titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys. Sags gets a cheapshot out of the corner to start and pounds away, but Bret comes back with a Thesz Press and an atomic drop on Knobs. We’re clipped to Knobs coming in and going with Anvil, slugging away in the corner and losing that battle. Hiptoss out of the corner and Neidhart sends him to the floor, and the Nasties regroup again. Back in, Neidhart works the arm, but gets caught in the heel corner and Sags pounds him with forearms, until Neidhart brings Bret back in. Bret fires away in the corner on Sags and gets the legsweep, setting up the second-rope elbow for two. Knobs sneaks in and catches him with a clothesline from the back to turn the tide, however, and Bret gets dumped. Back in, Sags whips Bret around and gets a backbreaker for two. Sags goes to a rear chinlock, but Bret has a nice reversal into a neckbreaker. He tries for the tag, but Knobs draws Neidhart in, thus cutting it off, and goes back to the rear chinlock on Bret. Bret powers out to escape, and again they sucker Anvil in, but their double-team backfires, as Sags whips Knobs into the corner and Bret makes…a false tag to Anvil. The megaphone gets involved, but Knobs hits Sags by mistake, hot tag Neidhart. He cleans house and clotheslines both Nasties, and elbows Knobs down for two. Powerslam gets two. Bret comes in and it’s BONZO GONZO, as he chases Sags around, and into a collision with Knobs. The Harts get the Hart Attack on Knobs, but the ref escorts Bret out, and a helmet to the head of Anvil finishes at 8:55 and we have new champions. Solid stuff with all the tag team formula spots, although about 5 minutes was missing so the full version might have been better or worse, hard to say. *** – Blindfold match: Jake Roberts v. Rick Martel. This is a legendary match, for all the wrong reasons, as Martel blinded Jake to set it up. Maybe it was just the cheap rotgut he was drinking at the time? (Oh wait, I see I already made the joke that I inserted into the first rant. Whoops.) So yeah, both guys are wearing hoods, which they can obviously see through in reality. The idea is that Jake points to where Martel is, and the crowd cheers to lead him on. They wander around the ring and Jake trips Martel up for two. Martel pounds him on the mat and tries a backdrop, but Jake just moves out of the way. Now, why wouldn’t someone do that all the time? Talk about exposing the inherent logic gaps of the business. They bump into each other again, but they can’t find each other. Nothing like non-contact to spice up a match. Martel finally gets a slam, but Jake just stands up to dodge an elbowdrop. Martel accidentally gropes Damian and retreats to the other corner. Jake finally finds him and grabs a headlock, but Martel dumps him. Martel follows like an idiot and grabs a chair, but of course can’t find him. Back in, Martel gets a backbreaker and the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out. Martel is dazed, DDT, goodnight at 6:09. There’s a reason why you don’t see many blindfold matches…well…ever, really. -*** – Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker. Despite still being a heel, the pop Undertaker gets for the opening “bong” is pretty impressive. Callaway had the character down cold from day one. Snuka charges to start and gets hammered in the corner as a result. Taker chokes away and gets the flying clothesline, and then fights off a charge with a knee that sends Snuka to the floor. Suplex back in, but an elbow misses. Snuka tries to fight back with a headbutt, but misses a crossbody attempt and splats on the floor. Back in, Taker finishes with the tombstone at 4:18. The only purpose was to make Taker look like a killer, and that’s what it did. ½* (Not as much of an (alleged) killer as Snuka, but at least Taker could remember this the next morning. Oh yeah, Tamina something something Jimmy Snuka.) – Retirement match: Ultimate Warrior v. Randy Savage. In retrospect, the wrong guy went over. Thankfully, Warrior WALKS to the ring for once, conserving energy instead of blowing up in the first 30 seconds. They fight over a lockup to start and Savage actually gives a clean break, but Warrior powers him down. Savage knees him and goes to the eyes to gain the advantage, but Warrior overpowers him again and he bails. Back in, Warrior clotheslines him and gets a two-handed choke, into an atomic drop, both ways. See, Warrior can mix up the moveset when he needed to. Sherri tries running in, so Warrior tosses Savage into her and slugs Savage down. Savage gets tied in the ropes and Warrior stomps on him, then puts his head down and Savage hits him with the clothesline and goes up. Crossbody (!?) is caught by Warrior, but he just puts him down and slaps him. OOOOOOOO. Savage bails and tosses a chair in to distract the ref, then attacks Warrior from behind, but that gets him nowhere. This is cool because it’s about Savage losing his temper and Warrior not acting like a maniac for once, because it’s so important to him. Warrior stomps a mudhole in the corner and slugs Savage down, but misses a blind charge, his first high-impact offensive attempt, and Sherri gives him a shot on the floor. Savage follows with an axehandle to the floor, but Warrior shoves Sherri away, which again allows Savage to attack him. Again, when Warrior stays calm he’s in control, but when he loses it Savage takes over. Back in, Savage drops a knee for two. Gorilla then makes a ridiculous statement, that it’s the “largest audience in the history of PPV”, like they would know the buyrate an hour into the show. Warrior gets a backslide for two and Savage takes a powder, but Warrior catches him coming in with a clothesline. He misses the shoulderblock, however, and Savage gets two. We hit the chinlock and Warrior powers out, and they criss-cross into a double-clothesline, and both are out. Sherri distracts the ref while Warrior cradles Savage, and that gets two. Warrior loses his temper again and the ref gets bumped as a result, after a botched editing job, and Sherri goes in, hitting Savage with her shoe by mistake. Warrior goes after her again, again making a dumb mistake, and Savage rolls him up for two. Warrior slugs him down, but Savage sends him into the turnbuckle and necksnaps him. Another necksnap on the top and Savage clubs him down, slamming him for two. He goes up with the flying elbow, and then since it’s a special occasion, drops four more. You’d THINK would be enough to beat him, but it only gets two. Given that Savage was going to come back, they shouldn’t have done that, but it didn’t hurt the move in the long run, since Savage would start pinning guys with it again anyway. Warrior fights up, however, and slugs Savage down, setting up the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DOOM and the gorilla press. Unlike the year before, he has enough strength left to actually pull it off correctly this time. The splash…gets two. The crowd is a little shocked by that. Warrior gets all freaked out and talks to his hands (maybe Jake slipped him a little something before the match?) and apparently the answer is to walk away from the match, which allows Savage to recover. Savage knocks him off the apron and puts him on the railing, but misses the flying axehandle and knocks himself silly. And now it’s the big comeback for Warrior, as he tosses Savage back into the ring, hits him with three shoulderblocks, and ends his career (well, forever IS a short time in wrestling) at 20:47. Easily Warrior’s best match ever, and one of my personal favorites of all-time, as Warrior paced himself and they delivered a great storyline and Savage worked his ass off. ****1/2 This is THE reason to see this show. – And then of course the big angle which followed, as Sherri turned on the fallen Savage and beat on him, drawing Elizabeth out of the crowd to make the save and thus reunite with Savage and turn him into the #1 babyface in the promotion, moments after his “retirement”. It still works, no matter how many times, and they’d be well advised to try the same thing with Trish and Jericho on Sunday. (Quite the opposite happened, as Trish actually turned on Jericho and somehow boosted her career into another gear as a result. Oh man was Evil Trish HOT.) Unfortunately, Savage’s descent into dementia in the real world and Elizabeth’s ugly end while shacked up with Lex Luger would mean that the storybook romance wouldn’t have a happy ending, but sometimes it’s nice to remember when it MIGHT have. (How is it fair that ULTIMATE WARRIOR is the only guy left alive out of this match?) – Demolition v. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao. This is the Bryan Adams version of Demolition. Crush starts with Kitao, but gets kneed and hammered on the ropes. Mr. Fuji hits him with the cane for good measure, and Smash comes in, but Kitao brings Tenryu in, a young and spry 40 or so at that point, and he goes up with the elbow, but misses. Crush gets a backbreaker and Smash gets a backdrop suplex to set up Decapitation, but Kitao breaks it up. Crush goes back up, but gets shoved off again, and Tenryu hits Smash with an enzuigiri and powerbombs him for the pin at 2:50. No idea what the point of this was, but it sure sucked. Crush & Smash went their separate ways after this. DUD – Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman. This was the blowoff of the lengthy Bossman v. Heenan feud, with Bobby insulting Bossman’s mama for months, and Bossman running through the entire Heenan family to get revenge. Standard logic had Bossman going over to finish the job here. Gorilla again repeats the nonsense about the largest PPV audience. (But was it trending on Twitter?) Just to clarify, VI did a 3.8 buyrate, and this one did 2.8. They exchange slaps to start and Perfect does a spinning sell of one, and Bossman gives him a hairtoss. He slugs Perfect into the corner and gets a clothesline that Perfect oversells with zeal, and then tosses Perfect to the floor. Back in, another shot puts Perfect over the top again. Bossman goes after the Brain, however, and that allows Perfect to send him into the stairs. However, Andre the Giant heads out to even things up. In the ring, Perfect hammers on Bossman, while Andre grabs the IC title. Perfect rams Bossman into an exposed turnbuckle and goes after Andre, and gets the belt in the face for his troubles. Bossman comes back and gets two, and Haku & Barbarian run in for the DQ at 4:35. This didn’t get going at all, which is a shame because Bossman was on a killer run at the time. * – Earthquake v. Greg Valentine. Valentine had turned face by means which I don’t remember or care about. Quake attacks him in the corner and powerslams him for two. Blind charge misses and Hammer starts chopping and elbowing. Earthquake finally goes down and Valentine drops another elbow to set up the figure-four, but let’s face it, that’s pretty stupid. Jimmy Hart distracts him and Quake finishes with the butt splash at 3:14. ½* – The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory. The pre-match interview is longer and more entertaining than the match, as the LOD storm in, dispose of Hercules, and finish Paul Roma with the Doomsday Device at 0:55. This ended the usefulness of Power & Glory as a heel team, which was kind of a shame because they were really over and basically being used better than they had been in years. DUD (On the other hand, fuck Paul Roma.) – Ted Dibiase v. Virgil. Roddy Piper was “training” Virgil to build up to this and was in his corner, but had a motorcycle accident and thus he was on crutches. Virgil starts punching and Dibiase goes down, and bails. Back in, Virgil takes him down, so Dibiase responds with a drop toehold and chops him in the corner. Back elbow and gutwrench suplex get two. Dibiase tosses him and then shoves Piper down, and back in powerslams Virgil. Piper pulls down the ropes, however, and Dibiase is counted out at 4:36. Barely a match. ¼* Sherri makes her return, now aligned with Dibiase – The Mountie v. Tito Santana. Quick squash for the Mountie before the main event, as Tito gets a quick flying forearm, only to be shocked with the tazer and pinned at 1:19. DUD – WWF title match: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan. It’s weird, because even six years earlier this would have been quite the dream match. They fight over the lockup to start, and Hogan powers him down. The show may have bombed, but the heat is huge. Hogan grabs a headlock and overpowers him again. They brawl outside and Hogan goes after Adnan, which allows Slaughter to hit him with a chair. Hogan no-sells that and tosses him back in, but Slaughter goes to the eyes and slugs away. Back elbow and Slaughter drops some knees to work on the neck, but misses an elbow. Hogan comes back with a clothesline and goes after Adnan, then hits Slaughter with an elbow in the corner. Atomic drop gets two. They brawl outside again and back in, where Hogan gets the Axe Bomber for two. He sends Slaughter into the post and backdrops him out of the corner, then whips him into the corner again. High knee into the corner and Hogan catapults him into the post , as the ringpost proves to be a more effective worker than Hogan. Hogan follows him into the corner with a clothesline and fires away with punches, then back into the other turnbuckle again for two. Hotshot and elbows, and Hogan GOES UP? Adnan trips him up and Slaughter slams him off, and they brawl outside, where Slaughter chokes him out with a cable. Back in, he goes to work on the back and gets a backbreaker for two. He keeps stomping on the back and goes into a Boston crab, using Adnan for extra leverage. Hogan makes the ropes. Back to the back, as he drops knees on it and comes off the top with a knee for two. Weird spot as Adnan stupidly distracts the ref while Slaughter had a clear pinfall on Hogan. Slaughter hits Hogan with a chair, drawing blood, and I assume THAT’S where Adnan was supposed to be distracting the ref. Short clothesline sets up the camel clutch, and only in THIS storyline could a rear chinlock be a deadly finishing move. At least it made sense within the context of the match, and Slaughter’s abuse of the back. Hogan powers out of it like in 1984 against Sheik, but Slaughter apparently saw that match and reverses him into the corner. He covers Hogan with the flag and gets two, and it’s Hulk Up Time. Hogan rips up the flag, which is actually a huge breach of international etiquette, and it’s punch punch punch big boot legdrop and he’s a 3-time champion at 20:23. This was actually quite good for a Hogan match, with Slaughter bumping a lot and carrying the pace and psychology. ***1/2 Taken out of the context of the horrible storyline and tasteless buildup to the match, it’s actually a fine main event. The Bottom Line: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: This show gets a MAJOR bad rap, as there’s four ***+ matches and one genuine classic in Warrior-Savage. Sure, the rest is junk, but the crowd was really hot and the main event delivered, so I think it’s a worthwhile show. Mildly recommended. The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania VII – Yeah, this is a kind of a random choice, I know, but I’ve been meaning to do the full Anthology version of the show for months now and this is as good a night as any. Since we didn’t have PPV in Edmonton at the time, this is the first time I’ve ever seen anything besides the heavily edited Coliseum version of this show. – Live from the Los Angeles Coliseum LA Sports Arena – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a rotating cast of color commentators, mainly Bobby Heenan. First up is Hacksaw Duggan, introduced with entrance music dubbed over where he had none previously. I don’t get that. – This show, much like Summerslam 93 (upcoming as soon as the Summerslam Anthology gets here from Amazon), is draped in cynical patriotic fervor from the WWF in hopes of drawing a buyrate on the back of the first Iraq war. It didn’t work. The Rockers v. Haku & The Barbarian FACES OF FEAR~! Odd choice for an opener, as Haku & Barbarian had no backstory together other than being members of the Heenan Family. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn to start and runs him into the corner, but they criss-cross and Shawn takes him down with a shoulder tackle for one. The Rockers double-team with a hiptoss into a double elbow, but Barbarian DESTROYS them with a clothesline for a rare double 180 somersault sell by the Rockers. Truly a special night. Rockers regroup with a double superkick to put Barbarian on the floor, and the heels get some advice from Heenan. Normally I’d have a joke here, but you’ll have to insert your own tonight. (OK, here’s mine: Don’t ask Marty to pee in the cup for you.) Back in, Barbarian hammers Marty on the apron, but gets caught with a sunset flip that gets two. Marty tries working the arm, but a double headbutt flattens him. Marty tries a rana, but Barbarian drops him on the top rope and Jannetty is YOUR face in peril. Haku elbows him down for another somersault sell, and Barbarian gets a press slam and draws Shawn in with a cheapshot. Haku and Marty collide and Marty gets two. That was clearly a blown spot, but they worked through it. Haku gets a pair of nasty backbreakers and Barbarian gets two. Clothesline and bearhug follow, and Barbarian whips Marty into the corner to work the back. Marty comes out of there with a flying clothesline, but Barbarian catches him in mid-air with a powerslam. Good spot. Barbarian goes up for the diving headbutt, but it misses, and it’s hot tag Shawn. Back elbow for Haku and he slugs away on both heels, and a neckbreaker on Haku gets two. Sunset flip gets two. They double-dropkick Barbarian out of the ring and finish Haku with a Marty missile dropkick into Shawn’s flying bodypress at 10:33. Great opener, as the Rockers were peaking as a team just before they self-destructed. ***1/2 Meanwhile, Mean Gene interviews Regis Philbin, Alex Trebek and Marla Maples. One of these things does not have the same cultural status she did in 1991. Dino Bravo v. Kerry Von Erich Now here’s a depressing match for you. Both guys were rapidly on the way down the slippery slope as it was, and of course it ended badly for both. Bravo hammers away before Tornado can get his robe off, but he makes the comeback and they slug it out in the corner. That goes nowhere and Bravo gets a cheapshot, then drops an elbow for two. Side slam gets two. Bravo comes off the middle rope with a forearm shot that literally misses by a foot, but Kerry comes back with the claw and finishes with the discus punch at 3:10. Short and yet still god-awful. Kerry was just missing everything and couldn’t even hit the finisher properly. 1/2* The British Bulldog v. The Warlord Warlord pounds away to start, but Bulldog shoulderblocks him out of the ring. Back in, Bulldog with a crucifix, but Warlord drops down to counter and follows with an elbowdrop for two. Bearhug, and he drops Bulldog on the top rope for two. Belly to belly gets two. We hit the chinlock, but Bulldog elbows out and dropkicks him into the corner. Bulldog comes off the middle with a forearm, into a crossbody for two. Piledriver is countered into a backdrop, but Bulldog gets a sunset flip for two. Warlord clotheslines him down and it’s time for the Full-Nelson, but he’s no Chris Masters so Bulldog is able to power out. And since he’s had enough tonight, the powerslam finishes at 8:12. Not too shabby. **1/2 WWF World tag titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys Bret gets slugged down by Sags right away, but gets the Thesz Press and fights off both Nasties. He slingshots Sags in and starts on the arm, prompting Sags to tag out to Knobs. So Anvil comes in to match and pounds him in the corner, then hiptosses him over the top to clean house. Back in, he goes to the arm, but goes to the wrong corner. He quickly recovers and gets Bret in in for some punishment on Sags in the corner. Russian legsweep and elbow get two. However, he goes after Knobs and turns his back, which opens him up to getting clobbered from behind with a clothesline, and thus he’s the face-in-peril. Bret was also clearly the breakout star of the team at this point, and seemed bigger than the match. So Bret goes to the corner and Sags follows with a backbreaker for two. He gets a rear chinlock and Knobs stays on the back with the same. Back to Sags, who adds a neckbreaker for two. Back to the chinlock, but Bret escapes with his own neckbreaker. Knobs comes in and stays on the back, however, forcing Bret to power out. The Nasties try the Harts’ own double-whip, but Bret moves and it’s the false tag. Heel miscommunication gives us the real hot tag, however, and Anvil clotheslines everyone and gets two on Knobs. Powerslam gets two. Nasties collide again and the Hart Attack results, but Sags hits Anvil with the helmet and Knobs gets the pin and the titles at 12:01. Probably one of the best matches ever for the Nasties, although I still think a match against Money Inc. on a Coliseum video was better. This was more about Bret’s coming out party than elevating the Nasties in any meaningful way, and that’s fine. ***1/2 Blindfold match: Jake Roberts v. Rick Martel Martel was such a bland heel that even the old venerable “blinded babyface” angle turned into a bore in his hands. So the concept here is of course that both guys are hooded (and this cut of the show clearly shows that they can see through them), as they stumble around the ring for a bit before Jake gets a fluke rollup for two. Another stupid spot sees Martel putting his head down for a backdrop, but Jake just moves out of the way. Which leads to the question: Why wouldn’t you just do that all the time? The gag here is that Jake points to a location and the crowd cheers to indicate Martel’s location, Martel runs away, repeat. For amusing the crowd it’s a fine bit, but a real match it’s awful. Martel gets his hands on Jake and slams him, but misses an elbow because Jake gets up and he can’t see it. Like really, any halfway intelligent wrestler would, you know, WRESTLE his opponent to the ground rather than trying typical worked spots. Jake claps his hands to fake out Martel and then tries a takedown from behind, but Martel makes the ropes and we’re back to blindly wandering around the ring. This also brings up my biggest beef with this match: MARTEL DOESN’T CHEAT. He’s the fucking HEEL, he should be taking off his hood behind the ref’s back and then beating the shit out of Jake to get the heat. What kind of a pussy adheres to the stips? Jake tries a headlock and then falls to the floor (Bobby: “Excuse me…Martel! He’s on the floor!”) Martel follows him out and grabs a chair, but Jake drags him back in. Martel comes back with a backbreaker into the crab, but Jake escapes and finishes, thank god, with the DDT at 8:28. -**** Undertaker v. Jimmy Snuka Horrible overdub alert: Snuka’s music is replaced with generic up-tempo crap, so Fink has to redo his introduction. Really? They don’t have the rights to “Superfly” any longer? Did the guy at the beginning threaten to sue-sue-sue them? Thank you, I’ve been waiting to work that one in for like 5 years now. Anyway, Undertaker coldly puts Snuka down with the flying clothesline and drops the elbow, but that misses. Snuka fires back with chops, but tries a bodypress and lands on the floor instead. He fights back in for the apron and tries to slingshot back in, but Taker catches him and finishes with the tombstone at 4:15. And that is 1-0 for Undertaker. Can you even imagine? * (What I couldn’t imagine is a world where Snuka didn’t produce a daughter, who then grew up to be Tamina, daughter of WWE Legend Superfly Jimmy Snuka. That’s what I couldn’t imagine.) Retirement match: Randy Savage v. Ultimate Warrior Hey, isn’t that the lovely Elizabeth at ringside? More importantly, who’s her date? Man, that guy is about to get cock-blocked in the worst way. Warrior’s entrance is pretty reserved as compared to his usual, which was kind of the point. Savage goes with the cheapshot to start and pounds away, but Warrior puts him down with a shoulderblock and follows with a clothesline. Warrior chokes him down and gets an atomic drop from both ways, then tosses Savage into Sherri before slugging Savage down again. Macho gets tied in the ropes, but gets free and puts Warrior down with the hooking clothesline, then goes up with the flying bodypress, but Warrior catches him and sets him down to really egg him on. Oooo, BURN. Savage gets frustrated and tosses a chair in for the distraction, then blindsides Warrior, but Warrior calmly pounds him down and stomps a mudhole in the corner. Blind charge misses, however, and Warrior hits the floor, giving Sherri a chance to torment him. Savage follows with a flying axehandle to the floor, and sends Warrior into the post. Another shot from Sherri and they head back in for a Savage kneedrop that gets two. Warrior gets a backslide for two and Gorilla informs us “we’ve just been informed that this is the largest audience in the history of pay-per-view”. Really? In the middle of the show they got those numbers? (Obviously the Miz wasn’t headlining.) Warrior tries the flying shoulderblock, but Savage moves and gets two. That was a weak spot, actually. Savage goes to a sleeper, but Warrior fights out of it and they criss-cross into the double-clothesline. Warrior reverses a slam into the small package, but the ref is distracted by Sherri and it only gets two. Ref is bumped and Sherri gets more directly involved, but hits Savage with her shoe by mistake. Warrior goes after her, allowing Savage to get a rollup for two. Warrior slugs him down, but Savage sends him into the turnbuckles and it’s looking bad for Warrior. Slam gets two and Savage drops the big elbow, then gets really dramatic and drops FOUR MORE of them. You’d think that would do it, but it only gets two. Warrior powers up and makes the comeback with the three clotheslines and gorilla press, but the big splash only gets two. Maybe he should have done FIVE of them like Savage did. Warrior appeals to the gods for help, or maybe just the photographer in the rafters, who knows with this guy. No answer is forthcoming so he decides to walk out of the match and think it over, but Savage makes the decision for him and attacks. Savage tries to drop an axehandle onto the Warrior’s throat ala Ricky Steamboat, but he misses and splatters himself on the railing. And Warrior apparently has his message (perhaps God had voice mail and was just on another call at the time) because he heads back in and spears Savage out of the ring. Back in, second verse same as the first. One last shoulderblock and Savage is retired (with a bazillion more World titles yet to come) at 20:45. Still awesome, although the occasional goofed up spot and slightly anti-climactic ending leave it well short of perfection. ****1/2 And of course, Machiavellian Sherri attacks her former meal ticket afterwards like Lady Macbeth, leaving Elizabeth to make the unlikely save, finally getting physically involved on behalf of Savage after years of being the distraction and nothing more. And so they are reunited again and would have been the happy ending to Savage’s career, had it actually been the ending. The retirement proved to be pretty inconvenient because suddenly Savage was the #2 babyface in the promotion again and could have easily carried the belt. Anyway, I think I have dust in my eye, let’s move on… Demolition v. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao What a strangely random tag team match. Clearly this is after the intermission, which is brutal because we’re already two hours into this thing with two title matches to come. The pre-match interviews with Regis trying to interview the Japanese contingent and Trebek antagonizing Demolition are brutal. (On the Score in the segments after the commercials on this week’s RAW, Arda Ocal actually referenced those interviews as one of the dumbest moments in Wrestlemania history, and it’s hard to argue.) Speaking of brutal, “Demolition” is once again edited out, giving us Spooky Ghost Finkel. Crush attacks Kitao, but he fires back with forearms. Fuji hits him with the cane to give the Demos the advantage, but Kitao doesn’t really sell any of Smash’s goofy offense. Crush goes to the neck vice and Smash chokes him out. Kitao finally gets a random clothesline out of the corner and brings Tenryu in, but he misses an elbow off the top. Crush comes in with a backbreaker and Smash sets up for the finish, but Kitao pushes Crush off the top and Tenryu hits Smash with an enzuigiri and finishes with the powerbomb at 4:39. I don’t know WHAT they were going for here, but it probably wasn’t this. Demolition was thankfully put out to pasture as a concept after this. DUD Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman Finally, I can watch the uncut match. Another two-death match in a depressing series of them tonight. Four if you’re counting the referee and Andre. This was of course the culmination of Bobby Heenan insulting Big Bossman’s mother for months, resulting in Bossman mowing through the entire Heenan family. In hindsight, he should have won the title here. They had lots of time to put the belt back on Perfect before Bret got it anyway. Bossman’s music is overdubbed with the shitty Attitude era music, but thankfully Perfect’s theme survives. Bossman DISRESPECTS THE TOWEL and then spits on Perfect, and you know that’s not gonna stand. Bossman tosses Perfect around by the hair and then catches him with a clothesline out of the corner, as Perfect gives us his first somersault sell. Bossman tosses him to start the bumping officially . Back in, Perfect does the somersault bump out of the corner, and Bossman whips him with his belt for good measure. Perfect, however, is SMART and absorbs the punishment long enough to steal the belt, then wraps it around his fist and puts Bossman down with it. They slug it out in the corner and Perfect whips him into the turnbuckles, and then it’s a historic Gorilla moment: Mr. Perfect applies an abdominal stretch and Gorilla notes that it’s perfectly applied! That is the only time I’ve heard him fail to gripe about the foot not being hooked properly. Perfect releases and gets the necksnap, and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX, but sadly he’s wrong because Bossman reverses for two. Perfect fires back with an inverted version of the necksnap, and that’s just nasty. Perfect goes up and lands on Bossman’s boot, and Bossman posts him. Perfect bails to escape that, suckering Bossman out and into the STEEL stairs. Luckily, Andre the Giant is in the building to deal with these shenanigans, and he grabs the title belt from the timekeeper and then casually whacks Perfect with it. Perfect’s sell of that is epic. You’d think “title change” there, but no, it only gets two as the cavalry runs in for the DQ at 10:44. Much better than the edited Coliseum version, but the finish just totally fell apart because Andre was really slow in hitting his marks. But then, would YOU argue with him? ***1/4 Earthquake v. Greg Valentine Boy, that Greg Valentine face turn…what more can you say about it? Oh man, Chuck Norris interviewed at ringside many years before he became an internet meme. Quake pounds him in the corner and follows with the powerslam, but Hammer comes out of the corner with an elbow and pounds Quake down. Elbow off the middle rope and Valentine drops the Hammer, but Quake’s legs are too big for the figure-four. Another try, but Valentine gets distracted by Jimmy Hart, and Quake puts him away at 3:14. It was what it was. 1/2* The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory If you put together a “Paul Roma’s Greatest Moments” DVD, this would probably be high up on the list. Another two-death match. P&G attacks to start, but Animal powerslams Roma and the Doomsday Device finishes him at 1:00. There’s your Wrestlemania Moment, Paul. DUD Ted Dibiase v. Virgil Virgil’s inevitable slow-burn face turn was one where people had been waiting for years to see it, but once they did it they had nowhere else to go with the character. It’s a shame that UFC was still a few years away at this point, because a name change and refit into a MMA-style street fighter would have been a good gimmick direction for Virgil. The name change would have been an easy one as well, because he could be like “That was just the name you gave me!” and everyone would completely buy it. In fact, why would he continue calling himself “Virgil” after leaving Dibiase’s employ, anyway? Virgil uses the fisticuffsmanship to get Dibiase off his game to start, then slingshots him in from the apron. He clotheslines Dibiase back out again, and gets a back elbow for two in the ring. Dibiase bails and stalls, and back in he accuses Virgil of cheating to buy time. Virgil takes him down, but Dibiase gets his own drop toehold and rams him into the turnbuckles a few times. Piledriver gets two. Suplex gets two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. Virgil bails and Dibiase follows him out and beats up on the crippled Roddy Piper for good measure, because he’s AWESOME. Back in, powerslam for Virgil, but Piper uses his crutch to pull down the top rope and Dibiase is counted out at 7:35. This didn’t really go anywhere and was far eclipsed by their Summerslam match later that year. *1/2 Dibiase lays the beatdown on Virgil afterwards until Piper saves, but now Sherri changes teams and debuts as Dibiase’s new manager for a pairing that should have worked way better than it did. The storylines with Sherri siphoning off Dibiase’s millions could have written themselves. The Mountie v. Tito Santana And one last squash before the main event, just because this show wasn’t ridiculously long enough as it is. Tito gets the flying forearm right away and goes after Jimmy Hart, then hits Mountie with an atomic drop. Shock stick to the gut finishes for Mountie, however, at 1:18. DUD WWF World title: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan Hulk works the headlock to start and boots Slaughter down, but goes after Adnan and that allows Slaughter to attack with a chair. Not just any chair, but a Wrestlemania souvenir chair from the looks of it! Those hurt EXTRA, but Hulk no-sells it and they head back in. Slaughter pounds away in the corner and puts Hogan down with an elbow, then drops knees before missing an elbow. Bobby goes off on a funny run on Regis’ behalf about how he dislikes Hogan because “the men I managed never got any title shots”, which is such a ridiculously blatant lie that you have to love it. Hogan comes back and whips Slaughter around the ring, then backdrops him out of the corner. Catapult into the post and Gorilla declares that we’re seeing “The Hulkster of the 90s”. No, I’d say the Hulk of the 90s was yet to come, but kudos for trying to be timely. Corner clothesline gets two and Hulk goes AERIAL, but Slaughter catches him coming down. Hulk shakes it off and slams him, then drops the elbows before going up AGAIN. Slaughter slams him off the top to take over, and goes to work on the back. Clothesline misses by a good foot, but Hogan sells it and goes to the floor anyway. Sarge chokes him out with the TV cable, which is carrying the signal to the biggest PPV audience in the history of PPV you know, and back in Slaughter keeps pounding the back. Boston Crab, and Slaughter uses the old Arn Anderson trick of having Adnan push on his head for leverage, but Hogan makes the ropes. Slaughter stays on the back and goes up with a flying kneedrop, but Adnan actually distracts the ref while Slaughter is covering. It still gets two. Slaughter retrieves another chair and hits Hogan right in the bald spot, and we get blood from that. The REAR CHINLOCK OF DEATH seems to signal the end for Hulkamania, but much like those democracy-loving Kuwaitis, Hogan escapes the deathgrip of Iraq and makes the comeback. Big boot, legdrop, and it’s mission accomplished and Osama Bin Laden captured all in one pinfall at 20:21. Lex Luger probably would have won by countout. Gorilla declares that the war is now officially over that Hogan has won the title back. I’m sure all the soldiers in Kuwait were relieved to hear that. *** The Pulse Holy cow this show is LONG. The full version isn’t significantly different from the edited one in terms of making the show better or worse, but 3.5 hours is just way too long for a show that didn’t need junk filler like Earthquake v. Valentine and Tito Santana v. Mountie. Still kind of a forgotten and overly maligned show. Mild recommendation.
Wrestlemania Countdown: 7
8th March 2012 by Scott Keith
The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VII (2012 Scott sez: Jesus fuck, ANOTHER three-version Wrestlemania rant. Before I was married, I had so much time on my hands that I could apparently just sit around and watch the same damn shows OVER AND OVER. Actually, that’s pretty accurate, come to think of it.) – Live from Los Angeles, California and the Memorial Coliseum…oh, wait, that’s just in Vince’s dreams. It’s actually the much smaller Sports Arena. Bomb threat my ass… Original airdate: March 24, 1991 – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan, plus a host of others.– Opening match: The Rockers v. Haku & Barbarian. Yup, the Faces of Fear actually got started as a team in the WWF. Wicked move as the Rockers double-team Haku, but Barbarian runs in with a clothesline on both guys that results in a double-somersault-oversell. Cool stuff. The Rockers must not be stoned tonight. (Or, more accurately, they were getting better at hiding it.) Marty holds his own with Barbarian but gets caught in the corner and double-teamed, then stun-gunned while attempting a rana on Haku. Jannetty bumps like a madman to hold it together. A Barbarian flying headbutt misses, allowing Marty to hot tag Shawn, who does some nicely timed stuff to hold off the heels. Double dropkick on Haku and then a dropkick off the top from Marty leads to a bodypress off the top from Shawn for the pin. The Rockers could do no wrong at this point, and this is proof. *** – Kiss-ass celebrity interview segment with Regis Philbin, Marla Maples and Alex Trebek. – Kerry Von Erich v. Dino Bravo. Okay, this is just a little creepy, considering the current state of both guys. Nothing match as both guys had already outlived their usefulness to the federation, and there was a suicide watch on Kerry to boot. (No pun intended.) Bravo gets the side slam, but it only gets two. He follows with something off the second rope, but gets caught with the clawhold, and Von Erich finishes it with the discus punch, possibly the worst finisher in history. 1/4* (Hey now, there’s a long tradition of heroic muscle men winding up their punches to add maximum impact!) – The Warlord v. The British Bulldog. There was some sort of issue here that I might have cared about in 1991 but I can’t be bothered to remember it now. The match ran about 8 minutes originally and is clipped to about two here, thankfully. Warlord wears down Bulldog and gets the FULL-NELSON OF DOOM, but Bulldog breaks it and powerslams him for the pin. 1/4* – WWF World tag team title match: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys. Vince stole the Nasties from WCW a few months prior to this and I guess they wanted to justify the contracts or something. (I think “stole” is a bit strong, as WCW didn’t see much in them anyway.) This marks the end of the first phase of Bret’s WWF career. Nasties have zero heat. Jimmy Hart just happens to be wearing a motorcycle helmet. The subtlety just boggles the mind. We get a shot of Macauley Culkin in the crowd and Gorilla completely misses the significance. The Harts are just amazingly over, and they do the impossible and carry the Nasties to a watchable match here. Bret works in the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM early on. Match slows down (waaaaay down) as Sags works on Bret with a rear chinlock. Nasties blow a move, and we get the false tag to Neidhart. Sags gets nailed with the megaphone by mistake and Neidhart gets the tag for real. Nasties get demolished and Hart Attacked, but Bret gets escorted from the ring, allowing Sags to nail Neidhart with that conveniently present motorcycle helmet and win the WWF tag team titles. Better than it had any right to be. **1/2 (That helmet actually falls under the cinematic convention of establishing that the gun is present all the way in the first act of the movie and then paying it off at the end. Also known as the banana peel theory: Show the banana peel, show the banana peel, slip on the banana peel.) – Blindfold match: Rick Martel v. Jake Roberts. This one falls under “dumb ideas stolen from Kevin Sullivan”. The High Concept: Both guys are blindfolded, to symbolize Jake’s blindness at the hands of Martel. (Or from exceptionally cheap hooch. Grizzly Smith WAS a backwoods mountain man.) Jake encourages the crowd to cheer louder when he points to where Martel is. Not exactly much contact being made as they spend most of the match standing in the corners trying to figure out where the other guy is. Martel gets his hands on Jake, finally, and puts him in the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out, then gropes around long enough to find Martel and DDT him for the pin. There was maybe 5 points total where contact was made. Easily the worst-ever Wrestlemania match at –**** (I wouldn’t say “easily” in a world with Bossman v. Undertaker. I think this was written before that, though.) – Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker. Even in 91, the *Bong* got a good pop. Too bad it took another couple of years for them to figure out that turning out the lights made it even louder. This marks two years in a row that Snuka gets to be Designated Squash Victim. (More importantly, Snuka gets to be the guy who makes Undertaker 1-0) The flying clothesline gets a big pop. Undertaker manhandles Superfly with so little emotion that the fans don’t know what to make of him. Snuka slingshots into the ring, and was supposed to be caught and tombstoned, but someone messes up and UT has to put him down, then pick him up and tombstone him again. Either way, it’s an easy pin that actually gets a face pop for UT. DUD (Snuka’s Wrestlemania career may have ended here, but luckily his legacy lives on in his daughter, Tamina. Ironically, Tamina is also the daughter of WWE Legend Superfly Jimmy Snuka! And now you know the rest of the story.) – Retirement match: The Ultimate Warrior v. Randy Savage. Bobby Heenan points out that Elizabeth is sitting ringside. (Show the banana peel…) Geez, she couldn’t even get front row. Warrior wisely decides to not run to ringside. Savage takes his top off, showing that he means business. Doesn’t help, as Warrior methodically destroys Savage in a manner totally unlike him. Savage comes off the top but gets caught by Warrior, and then, in an Eddy Guerrero-like moment, Warrior simply puts him down and slaps him. Ooooo, you could get shot for doing shit like that in Mexico. Warrior paces himself nicely, slowly beating the hell out of Savage. He finally goes high-risk and misses a cross-corner charge, sending him flying out of the ring, where Sherri abuses him. Has Sherri been drinking “Ass Bulk 2000” or something? (No, but she did end up drinking booze and painkillers one time too many. Sad face.) Savage sends Warrior to the post and Sherri lays in more punishment. Warrior calmly comes back in the ring and clotheslines Savage out of his boots. Flying shouldblock misses and Savage gets two. Sleeper, and Warrior fights out, but they do the double-knockout bit. Warrior with a small package, but Sherri is distracting the ref. Savage decks Warrior from behind, bumping the ref in the process. But Sherri’s interference backfires and she knocks out Savage. Warrior chases her around, and gets cradled for two. Savage with a stun-gun and the running necksnap for two. Savage drops the big elbow! But it’s not enough, so he drops…FOUR MORE! Seriously, the guy drops five flying elbows on Warrior, just to be a dick. And it only gets two, which didn’t really matter at the time because Savage was supposed to be retiring anyway, so who cared if his move was ruined. (I have to wonder if they legitimately thought Savage was retiring at that point, because that was such a bizarre spot otherwise.) Warrior re-energizes and blitzes Savage with the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DEATH, then the Gorilla Press and splash. *That* only gets two, and now Warrior doesn’t know what to do. He has an epiphanic moment, as he talks to his hands, looking for advice. He starts to walk away from the match, but Savage jumps him from behind. (Gorilla Monsoon, normally a guy who doesn’t tolerate bullshit as an announcer, was beyond stupid here having to talk about Warrior speaking to his gods.) That’s apparently good enough an answer for Warrior, as he moves out of the way of the double-axehandle, sending Savage crashing to the steel railing. He tosses Savage back into the ring and spears Savage, which puts Savage onto the floor. He does it again, sending Savage out again. Finally he throws Savage back in one last time, hits the shoulderblock, and places a foot on his chest to win the match. Warrior’s best match ever. ****1/2 – Extra-curricular activities that lend this match it’s legendary status: Sherri is, shall we say, somewhat miffed at her money source being retired, so she takes out her frustrations on the beaten and helpless Savage. Big boos for that. And then, in one of the great moments of wrestling, Elizabeth finally takes an active role, running out of the audience to make the save and sending Sherri running. Savage wakes up and realizes what happened, then finally reconciles with Elizabeth after two years, bringing tears to every woman (and some of the men) in the arena. (Not me. Just dust in my eye from all the manly stuff I had been doing outside that day, like roping horses while smoking unfiltered Marlboros and drinking whiskey. In fact, it was probably the incredibly carcinogenic smoke that was in my eyes.) Unbelievably great booking as both Warrior and Savage go out on top with a face pop. As a symbolic gesture, Savage holds the ropes open for Liz before leaving, which is Savage’s way of apologizing for years of abuse. See, sometimes it *can* be Shakespeare, kids. Don’t ever let ’em tell you different. (Although if Vince wrote Hamlet, the hero would probably change his mind 14 times before revealing that he killed his own father and was working with Claudius all along.) – Demolition v. Genichiro Tenyru & Koji Kitao. Witness the last match for Demolition before Smash goes solo as Repo Man and Crush goes solo as Crush. No one knows or gives a shit about the Japanese faction, which makes me wonder about the point of this. Demos go for Decapitation, but Kitao pushes Crush off the top and Tenryu powerbombs Smash for the pin. This was nothing. 1/2* – Intercontinental title match: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman. (So many dead people on this show. Every time I go back and do a re-rant the list grows longer and longer. I’m only 37, I shouldn’t be watching all my childhood heroes dying before I even get to middle age.) Heenan started insulting Bossman’s mother in mid-1990, and Bossman responded by mowing down every member of Heenan’s family, leading up to a title match with Hennig. Hennig and Heenan reference Rodney King in the pre-match interview. Bossman mops up with Hennig, but he misses a charge outside the ring and hits the stairs. Heenan lays into Bossman, and Andre the Giant suddenly strides out of the dressing room to help Bossman! Well, as suddenly as Andre moved at the time. Andre grabs the title belt from ringside, and when Hennig lips him off about it, Andre casually smacks him with it, knocking him out. Bossman covers for two, and the nWo…er…Heenan Family runs in for the lame DQ. Hmm, that’s a weird ending for a show with nothing but clean pins up to that point. All standard logic pointed to Bossman winning the title here, but it didn’t happen. Still, the face went over, leaving the fans happy. ** – Earthquake v. Greg Valentine. Valentine turned face as MSG to set this up, and it ends just as briskly. Earthquake absorbs punishment from Hammer for a while and then finishes it with the Quake splash. * – The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory. The Parade O’ Squashes continues, as LOD wipes out Roma and Hercules in something like 8 seconds with the Doomsday Device. Next. DUD – Ted Dibiase v. Virgil. I assume y’all know the story here. Virgil turns on Dibiase at Royal Rumble to go face, and turns to Roddy Piper for training advice. This was just after Piper’s first hip replacement surgery, which is covered by a “motorcycle accident” story. (That doesn’t sound right to me. I think it actually was a motorcycle accident, although I could be thinking of Vince. My life is definitely easier in the age of Wikipedia, I’ll say that.) Virgil boxes with Dibiase to start, as he plays the role of a manager who is learning to wrestle, even though he really can wrestle. Dibiase gains control for a bit, then goes outside to shove the crippled Piper off his chair. Cheap but effective. Dibiase comes off the ropes and Piper hooks the ropes with the crutch, giving Virgil the countout win. I believe this was clipped. Dibiase puts Virgil out with the Million Dollar Dream and Piper limps in to make the save with his crutch, drawing Sherri out of the dressing room as Dibiase’s new manager. They destroy Piper’s knee for fun. Match is 1/2* if that. Danny Davis tries to take the crutch away from Piper and Piper lets him have it right in the nuts. EEEEEEEE-YOWCH! (Speaking as someone who spent a long stretch on crutches in my younger years, I can tell you that whacking someone in the junk with an aluminum crutch is a tremendous way to get them to never pick on you again.) – The Mountie v. Tito Santana. One last match before the main. You’d think Tito would have lost the Strike Force tights TWO YEARS after the breakup. Very quick match as Tito goes after Mountie in the ropes and Jimmy Hart gives Mountie the cattle prod to allow an easy pinfall. DUD – WWF World title match: Sgt. Slobber v. Hulk Hogan. One year after the most interesting angle of Hogan’s career (to that time, anyway), he’s back to fighting the Evil Foreign Menace. Hogan hammers on Sarge for the first 6 or 7 minutes, but Slaughter catches him coming off the top rope (!) to take control. Hogan blades after a chairshot. This is a really, really long match for Hogan. I would just like to note right now that I would give good money to see Hogan come back to the WWF and win the World title right away, then defend it at the Survivor Series. Against Bret Hart. With Vince McMahon at ringside. I think that would be enough of an apology for Bret. I’d love just to see the look on Hulk’s face after being screwed. That would be so glorious. (Of course, he DID come back to the WWF three years after I wrote that, and he DID win the World title right away, but sadly he dropped it in the ring to Undertaker.) Anyway, the usual Hogan match follows here, as Slobber puts him in the dread REAR CHINLOCK OF HIDEOUS DISCOMFORT, but Hogan fights out, rips up the Iraqi flag, hits the big boot and legdrop, and gets the WWF title for the third time. And that’s that. **1/4 The Bottom Line: This show has a bad rap for some reason, but barring the main event it’s really quite good for a WWF show. All the faces went over in the important matches, and the heels went over where it was needed to build them up. And the bad stuff was short. Recommended show. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VII (Once again, the middle portion of the rant, which I have no patience for, so probably don’t look for much here beyond a Tamina joke. The entire rant is basically the same, but with match times, so I don’t know why the fuck I bothered. These days I’m like “Oh man, can I squeeze in an hour of Wrestlemania 27 after Smackdown on Friday so I can do the whole thing before this year’s show?” and back then I’m randomly redoing perfectly cromulent rants because I had nothing else going on all day after I got home from work early in the morning.) – This is from an original Coliseum tape that I bought from a video store years ago, so it’s clipped. Fun fact: I’ve never seen the full version of this show, because they stopped showing Wrestlemania on closed-circuit after VI, and PPV didn’t come to Edmonton until Summerslam 92. This is also the last Coliseum version to be clipped, because from then on the PPV broadcast had to conform to the 2:40 standard. – Live from Los Angeles, CA. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a rotating crew of color men. – Opening match: Haku & Barbarian v. The Rockers. This was a weird time for the Rockers, because they were constantly trying to tease the breakup, but Shawn was having the best matches of his career up until that point. Common wisdom was the newly-pushed Haku & Barbarian getting the easy win here. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn and then rams him backfirst into the corner and whips him around, but Shawn escapes into a criss-cross, and gets a shoulderblock to take him down. They trade wristlocks and Haku slugs away, but Marty comes in for a double elbow…and Barbarian hits both of them with a clothesline, for a Double Jannetty Sell. They respond with a double superkick, and the heels bail. Good stuff. Back in, Barbarian chops on Marty and headbutts him down, but Marty uses speed to evade him and tries a sunset flip. Barbarian blocks it, so Marty goes up with a rana instead. That gets two. Barbarian headbutts him again and brings in Haku for more headbutts, but Marty tries another rana, which gets turned into a hotshot to turn the tide and make Marty YOUR alcoholic-in-peril. Haku with a back elbow and Barbarian adds some double-teaming, and then a press slam. He cuts off the tag by drawing Shawn in, and some shenanigans in the heel corner result. Marty & Haku collide, but Haku recovers first and stomps away. Marty takes another hard bump into the corner and Haku follows with a pair of backbreakers, and we’re clipped a bit to Barbarian going up and missing a diving headbutt. Hot tag Shawn and he hammers on Barbarian in the corner and hits Haku with a crossbody, and then follows with a neckbreaker for two. Haku goes to the eyes, but Shawn gets a sunset flip for one. It’s BONZO GONZO and Barbarian gets dumped, and the Rockers both go up with a missile dropkick from Marty to set up a high cross from Shawn that finishes at 8:40. Super hot opener, with the classic big man v. little man dynamic. ***1/4 – Kerry Von Erich v. Dino Bravo. Kerry was already nearing the end of his usefulness to the WWF at this point, less than a year into his run with them. Bravo attacks to start and dumps Kerry, and they brawl outside. Back in, Kerry comes back with an atomic drop and slugs away, but Bravo blocks the clawhold. Kerry charges and hits knee, and Bravo follows with an atomic drop and elbow for two. Bravo tries the CLUBBING FOREARMS, but Kerry fights him off, so Bravo gets the sideslam for two. Kerry comes back with the claw and finishes with the Discus Punch at 2:45. Real bad. DUD – Warlord v. The British Bulldog. They fight over a lockup and Warlord gets a quick knee, but Bulldog overpowers him and he bails. Back in, Warlord counters a crucifix with a samoan drop, and we’re obviously clipped via a rant from Slick outside. Warlord tries the full-nelson, but Bulldog fights out and finishes with the powerslam at 2:30. About a million edits here, and that’s probably for the best. DUD – WWF tag team titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys. Sags gets a cheapshot out of the corner to start and pounds away, but Bret comes back with a Thesz Press and an atomic drop on Knobs. We’re clipped to Knobs coming in and going with Anvil, slugging away in the corner and losing that battle. Hiptoss out of the corner and Neidhart sends him to the floor, and the Nasties regroup again. Back in, Neidhart works the arm, but gets caught in the heel corner and Sags pounds him with forearms, until Neidhart brings Bret back in. Bret fires away in the corner on Sags and gets the legsweep, setting up the second-rope elbow for two. Knobs sneaks in and catches him with a clothesline from the back to turn the tide, however, and Bret gets dumped. Back in, Sags whips Bret around and gets a backbreaker for two. Sags goes to a rear chinlock, but Bret has a nice reversal into a neckbreaker. He tries for the tag, but Knobs draws Neidhart in, thus cutting it off, and goes back to the rear chinlock on Bret. Bret powers out to escape, and again they sucker Anvil in, but their double-team backfires, as Sags whips Knobs into the corner and Bret makes…a false tag to Anvil. The megaphone gets involved, but Knobs hits Sags by mistake, hot tag Neidhart. He cleans house and clotheslines both Nasties, and elbows Knobs down for two. Powerslam gets two. Bret comes in and it’s BONZO GONZO, as he chases Sags around, and into a collision with Knobs. The Harts get the Hart Attack on Knobs, but the ref escorts Bret out, and a helmet to the head of Anvil finishes at 8:55 and we have new champions. Solid stuff with all the tag team formula spots, although about 5 minutes was missing so the full version might have been better or worse, hard to say. *** – Blindfold match: Jake Roberts v. Rick Martel. This is a legendary match, for all the wrong reasons, as Martel blinded Jake to set it up. Maybe it was just the cheap rotgut he was drinking at the time? (Oh wait, I see I already made the joke that I inserted into the first rant. Whoops.) So yeah, both guys are wearing hoods, which they can obviously see through in reality. The idea is that Jake points to where Martel is, and the crowd cheers to lead him on. They wander around the ring and Jake trips Martel up for two. Martel pounds him on the mat and tries a backdrop, but Jake just moves out of the way. Now, why wouldn’t someone do that all the time? Talk about exposing the inherent logic gaps of the business. They bump into each other again, but they can’t find each other. Nothing like non-contact to spice up a match. Martel finally gets a slam, but Jake just stands up to dodge an elbowdrop. Martel accidentally gropes Damian and retreats to the other corner. Jake finally finds him and grabs a headlock, but Martel dumps him. Martel follows like an idiot and grabs a chair, but of course can’t find him. Back in, Martel gets a backbreaker and the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out. Martel is dazed, DDT, goodnight at 6:09. There’s a reason why you don’t see many blindfold matches…well…ever, really. -*** – Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker. Despite still being a heel, the pop Undertaker gets for the opening “bong” is pretty impressive. Callaway had the character down cold from day one. Snuka charges to start and gets hammered in the corner as a result. Taker chokes away and gets the flying clothesline, and then fights off a charge with a knee that sends Snuka to the floor. Suplex back in, but an elbow misses. Snuka tries to fight back with a headbutt, but misses a crossbody attempt and splats on the floor. Back in, Taker finishes with the tombstone at 4:18. The only purpose was to make Taker look like a killer, and that’s what it did. ½* (Not as much of an (alleged) killer as Snuka, but at least Taker could remember this the next morning. Oh yeah, Tamina something something Jimmy Snuka.) – Retirement match: Ultimate Warrior v. Randy Savage. In retrospect, the wrong guy went over. Thankfully, Warrior WALKS to the ring for once, conserving energy instead of blowing up in the first 30 seconds. They fight over a lockup to start and Savage actually gives a clean break, but Warrior powers him down. Savage knees him and goes to the eyes to gain the advantage, but Warrior overpowers him again and he bails. Back in, Warrior clotheslines him and gets a two-handed choke, into an atomic drop, both ways. See, Warrior can mix up the moveset when he needed to. Sherri tries running in, so Warrior tosses Savage into her and slugs Savage down. Savage gets tied in the ropes and Warrior stomps on him, then puts his head down and Savage hits him with the clothesline and goes up. Crossbody (!?) is caught by Warrior, but he just puts him down and slaps him. OOOOOOOO. Savage bails and tosses a chair in to distract the ref, then attacks Warrior from behind, but that gets him nowhere. This is cool because it’s about Savage losing his temper and Warrior not acting like a maniac for once, because it’s so important to him. Warrior stomps a mudhole in the corner and slugs Savage down, but misses a blind charge, his first high-impact offensive attempt, and Sherri gives him a shot on the floor. Savage follows with an axehandle to the floor, but Warrior shoves Sherri away, which again allows Savage to attack him. Again, when Warrior stays calm he’s in control, but when he loses it Savage takes over. Back in, Savage drops a knee for two. Gorilla then makes a ridiculous statement, that it’s the “largest audience in the history of PPV”, like they would know the buyrate an hour into the show. Warrior gets a backslide for two and Savage takes a powder, but Warrior catches him coming in with a clothesline. He misses the shoulderblock, however, and Savage gets two. We hit the chinlock and Warrior powers out, and they criss-cross into a double-clothesline, and both are out. Sherri distracts the ref while Warrior cradles Savage, and that gets two. Warrior loses his temper again and the ref gets bumped as a result, after a botched editing job, and Sherri goes in, hitting Savage with her shoe by mistake. Warrior goes after her again, again making a dumb mistake, and Savage rolls him up for two. Warrior slugs him down, but Savage sends him into the turnbuckle and necksnaps him. Another necksnap on the top and Savage clubs him down, slamming him for two. He goes up with the flying elbow, and then since it’s a special occasion, drops four more. You’d THINK would be enough to beat him, but it only gets two. Given that Savage was going to come back, they shouldn’t have done that, but it didn’t hurt the move in the long run, since Savage would start pinning guys with it again anyway. Warrior fights up, however, and slugs Savage down, setting up the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DOOM and the gorilla press. Unlike the year before, he has enough strength left to actually pull it off correctly this time. The splash…gets two. The crowd is a little shocked by that. Warrior gets all freaked out and talks to his hands (maybe Jake slipped him a little something before the match?) and apparently the answer is to walk away from the match, which allows Savage to recover. Savage knocks him off the apron and puts him on the railing, but misses the flying axehandle and knocks himself silly. And now it’s the big comeback for Warrior, as he tosses Savage back into the ring, hits him with three shoulderblocks, and ends his career (well, forever IS a short time in wrestling) at 20:47. Easily Warrior’s best match ever, and one of my personal favorites of all-time, as Warrior paced himself and they delivered a great storyline and Savage worked his ass off. ****1/2 This is THE reason to see this show. – And then of course the big angle which followed, as Sherri turned on the fallen Savage and beat on him, drawing Elizabeth out of the crowd to make the save and thus reunite with Savage and turn him into the #1 babyface in the promotion, moments after his “retirement”. It still works, no matter how many times, and they’d be well advised to try the same thing with Trish and Jericho on Sunday. (Quite the opposite happened, as Trish actually turned on Jericho and somehow boosted her career into another gear as a result. Oh man was Evil Trish HOT.) Unfortunately, Savage’s descent into dementia in the real world and Elizabeth’s ugly end while shacked up with Lex Luger would mean that the storybook romance wouldn’t have a happy ending, but sometimes it’s nice to remember when it MIGHT have. (How is it fair that ULTIMATE WARRIOR is the only guy left alive out of this match?) – Demolition v. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao. This is the Bryan Adams version of Demolition. Crush starts with Kitao, but gets kneed and hammered on the ropes. Mr. Fuji hits him with the cane for good measure, and Smash comes in, but Kitao brings Tenryu in, a young and spry 40 or so at that point, and he goes up with the elbow, but misses. Crush gets a backbreaker and Smash gets a backdrop suplex to set up Decapitation, but Kitao breaks it up. Crush goes back up, but gets shoved off again, and Tenryu hits Smash with an enzuigiri and powerbombs him for the pin at 2:50. No idea what the point of this was, but it sure sucked. Crush & Smash went their separate ways after this. DUD – Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman. This was the blowoff of the lengthy Bossman v. Heenan feud, with Bobby insulting Bossman’s mama for months, and Bossman running through the entire Heenan family to get revenge. Standard logic had Bossman going over to finish the job here. Gorilla again repeats the nonsense about the largest PPV audience. (But was it trending on Twitter?) Just to clarify, VI did a 3.8 buyrate, and this one did 2.8. They exchange slaps to start and Perfect does a spinning sell of one, and Bossman gives him a hairtoss. He slugs Perfect into the corner and gets a clothesline that Perfect oversells with zeal, and then tosses Perfect to the floor. Back in, another shot puts Perfect over the top again. Bossman goes after the Brain, however, and that allows Perfect to send him into the stairs. However, Andre the Giant heads out to even things up. In the ring, Perfect hammers on Bossman, while Andre grabs the IC title. Perfect rams Bossman into an exposed turnbuckle and goes after Andre, and gets the belt in the face for his troubles. Bossman comes back and gets two, and Haku & Barbarian run in for the DQ at 4:35. This didn’t get going at all, which is a shame because Bossman was on a killer run at the time. * – Earthquake v. Greg Valentine. Valentine had turned face by means which I don’t remember or care about. Quake attacks him in the corner and powerslams him for two. Blind charge misses and Hammer starts chopping and elbowing. Earthquake finally goes down and Valentine drops another elbow to set up the figure-four, but let’s face it, that’s pretty stupid. Jimmy Hart distracts him and Quake finishes with the butt splash at 3:14. ½* – The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory. The pre-match interview is longer and more entertaining than the match, as the LOD storm in, dispose of Hercules, and finish Paul Roma with the Doomsday Device at 0:55. This ended the usefulness of Power & Glory as a heel team, which was kind of a shame because they were really over and basically being used better than they had been in years. DUD (On the other hand, fuck Paul Roma.) – Ted Dibiase v. Virgil. Roddy Piper was “training” Virgil to build up to this and was in his corner, but had a motorcycle accident and thus he was on crutches. Virgil starts punching and Dibiase goes down, and bails. Back in, Virgil takes him down, so Dibiase responds with a drop toehold and chops him in the corner. Back elbow and gutwrench suplex get two. Dibiase tosses him and then shoves Piper down, and back in powerslams Virgil. Piper pulls down the ropes, however, and Dibiase is counted out at 4:36. Barely a match. ¼* Sherri makes her return, now aligned with Dibiase – The Mountie v. Tito Santana. Quick squash for the Mountie before the main event, as Tito gets a quick flying forearm, only to be shocked with the tazer and pinned at 1:19. DUD – WWF title match: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan. It’s weird, because even six years earlier this would have been quite the dream match. They fight over the lockup to start, and Hogan powers him down. The show may have bombed, but the heat is huge. Hogan grabs a headlock and overpowers him again. They brawl outside and Hogan goes after Adnan, which allows Slaughter to hit him with a chair. Hogan no-sells that and tosses him back in, but Slaughter goes to the eyes and slugs away. Back elbow and Slaughter drops some knees to work on the neck, but misses an elbow. Hogan comes back with a clothesline and goes after Adnan, then hits Slaughter with an elbow in the corner. Atomic drop gets two. They brawl outside again and back in, where Hogan gets the Axe Bomber for two. He sends Slaughter into the post and backdrops him out of the corner, then whips him into the corner again. High knee into the corner and Hogan catapults him into the post , as the ringpost proves to be a more effective worker than Hogan. Hogan follows him into the corner with a clothesline and fires away with punches, then back into the other turnbuckle again for two. Hotshot and elbows, and Hogan GOES UP? Adnan trips him up and Slaughter slams him off, and they brawl outside, where Slaughter chokes him out with a cable. Back in, he goes to work on the back and gets a backbreaker for two. He keeps stomping on the back and goes into a Boston crab, using Adnan for extra leverage. Hogan makes the ropes. Back to the back, as he drops knees on it and comes off the top with a knee for two. Weird spot as Adnan stupidly distracts the ref while Slaughter had a clear pinfall on Hogan. Slaughter hits Hogan with a chair, drawing blood, and I assume THAT’S where Adnan was supposed to be distracting the ref. Short clothesline sets up the camel clutch, and only in THIS storyline could a rear chinlock be a deadly finishing move. At least it made sense within the context of the match, and Slaughter’s abuse of the back. Hogan powers out of it like in 1984 against Sheik, but Slaughter apparently saw that match and reverses him into the corner. He covers Hogan with the flag and gets two, and it’s Hulk Up Time. Hogan rips up the flag, which is actually a huge breach of international etiquette, and it’s punch punch punch big boot legdrop and he’s a 3-time champion at 20:23. This was actually quite good for a Hogan match, with Slaughter bumping a lot and carrying the pace and psychology. ***1/2 Taken out of the context of the horrible storyline and tasteless buildup to the match, it’s actually a fine main event. The Bottom Line: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: This show gets a MAJOR bad rap, as there’s four ***+ matches and one genuine classic in Warrior-Savage. Sure, the rest is junk, but the crowd was really hot and the main event delivered, so I think it’s a worthwhile show. Mildly recommended. The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania VII – Yeah, this is a kind of a random choice, I know, but I’ve been meaning to do the full Anthology version of the show for months now and this is as good a night as any. Since we didn’t have PPV in Edmonton at the time, this is the first time I’ve ever seen anything besides the heavily edited Coliseum version of this show. – Live from the Los Angeles Coliseum LA Sports Arena – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a rotating cast of color commentators, mainly Bobby Heenan. First up is Hacksaw Duggan, introduced with entrance music dubbed over where he had none previously. I don’t get that. – This show, much like Summerslam 93 (upcoming as soon as the Summerslam Anthology gets here from Amazon), is draped in cynical patriotic fervor from the WWF in hopes of drawing a buyrate on the back of the first Iraq war. It didn’t work. The Rockers v. Haku & The Barbarian FACES OF FEAR~! Odd choice for an opener, as Haku & Barbarian had no backstory together other than being members of the Heenan Family. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn to start and runs him into the corner, but they criss-cross and Shawn takes him down with a shoulder tackle for one. The Rockers double-team with a hiptoss into a double elbow, but Barbarian DESTROYS them with a clothesline for a rare double 180 somersault sell by the Rockers. Truly a special night. Rockers regroup with a double superkick to put Barbarian on the floor, and the heels get some advice from Heenan. Normally I’d have a joke here, but you’ll have to insert your own tonight. (OK, here’s mine: Don’t ask Marty to pee in the cup for you.) Back in, Barbarian hammers Marty on the apron, but gets caught with a sunset flip that gets two. Marty tries working the arm, but a double headbutt flattens him. Marty tries a rana, but Barbarian drops him on the top rope and Jannetty is YOUR face in peril. Haku elbows him down for another somersault sell, and Barbarian gets a press slam and draws Shawn in with a cheapshot. Haku and Marty collide and Marty gets two. That was clearly a blown spot, but they worked through it. Haku gets a pair of nasty backbreakers and Barbarian gets two. Clothesline and bearhug follow, and Barbarian whips Marty into the corner to work the back. Marty comes out of there with a flying clothesline, but Barbarian catches him in mid-air with a powerslam. Good spot. Barbarian goes up for the diving headbutt, but it misses, and it’s hot tag Shawn. Back elbow for Haku and he slugs away on both heels, and a neckbreaker on Haku gets two. Sunset flip gets two. They double-dropkick Barbarian out of the ring and finish Haku with a Marty missile dropkick into Shawn’s flying bodypress at 10:33. Great opener, as the Rockers were peaking as a team just before they self-destructed. ***1/2 Meanwhile, Mean Gene interviews Regis Philbin, Alex Trebek and Marla Maples. One of these things does not have the same cultural status she did in 1991. Dino Bravo v. Kerry Von Erich Now here’s a depressing match for you. Both guys were rapidly on the way down the slippery slope as it was, and of course it ended badly for both. Bravo hammers away before Tornado can get his robe off, but he makes the comeback and they slug it out in the corner. That goes nowhere and Bravo gets a cheapshot, then drops an elbow for two. Side slam gets two. Bravo comes off the middle rope with a forearm shot that literally misses by a foot, but Kerry comes back with the claw and finishes with the discus punch at 3:10. Short and yet still god-awful. Kerry was just missing everything and couldn’t even hit the finisher properly. 1/2* The British Bulldog v. The Warlord Warlord pounds away to start, but Bulldog shoulderblocks him out of the ring. Back in, Bulldog with a crucifix, but Warlord drops down to counter and follows with an elbowdrop for two. Bearhug, and he drops Bulldog on the top rope for two. Belly to belly gets two. We hit the chinlock, but Bulldog elbows out and dropkicks him into the corner. Bulldog comes off the middle with a forearm, into a crossbody for two. Piledriver is countered into a backdrop, but Bulldog gets a sunset flip for two. Warlord clotheslines him down and it’s time for the Full-Nelson, but he’s no Chris Masters so Bulldog is able to power out. And since he’s had enough tonight, the powerslam finishes at 8:12. Not too shabby. **1/2 WWF World tag titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys Bret gets slugged down by Sags right away, but gets the Thesz Press and fights off both Nasties. He slingshots Sags in and starts on the arm, prompting Sags to tag out to Knobs. So Anvil comes in to match and pounds him in the corner, then hiptosses him over the top to clean house. Back in, he goes to the arm, but goes to the wrong corner. He quickly recovers and gets Bret in in for some punishment on Sags in the corner. Russian legsweep and elbow get two. However, he goes after Knobs and turns his back, which opens him up to getting clobbered from behind with a clothesline, and thus he’s the face-in-peril. Bret was also clearly the breakout star of the team at this point, and seemed bigger than the match. So Bret goes to the corner and Sags follows with a backbreaker for two. He gets a rear chinlock and Knobs stays on the back with the same. Back to Sags, who adds a neckbreaker for two. Back to the chinlock, but Bret escapes with his own neckbreaker. Knobs comes in and stays on the back, however, forcing Bret to power out. The Nasties try the Harts’ own double-whip, but Bret moves and it’s the false tag. Heel miscommunication gives us the real hot tag, however, and Anvil clotheslines everyone and gets two on Knobs. Powerslam gets two. Nasties collide again and the Hart Attack results, but Sags hits Anvil with the helmet and Knobs gets the pin and the titles at 12:01. Probably one of the best matches ever for the Nasties, although I still think a match against Money Inc. on a Coliseum video was better. This was more about Bret’s coming out party than elevating the Nasties in any meaningful way, and that’s fine. ***1/2 Blindfold match: Jake Roberts v. Rick Martel Martel was such a bland heel that even the old venerable “blinded babyface” angle turned into a bore in his hands. So the concept here is of course that both guys are hooded (and this cut of the show clearly shows that they can see through them), as they stumble around the ring for a bit before Jake gets a fluke rollup for two. Another stupid spot sees Martel putting his head down for a backdrop, but Jake just moves out of the way. Which leads to the question: Why wouldn’t you just do that all the time? The gag here is that Jake points to a location and the crowd cheers to indicate Martel’s location, Martel runs away, repeat. For amusing the crowd it’s a fine bit, but a real match it’s awful. Martel gets his hands on Jake and slams him, but misses an elbow because Jake gets up and he can’t see it. Like really, any halfway intelligent wrestler would, you know, WRESTLE his opponent to the ground rather than trying typical worked spots. Jake claps his hands to fake out Martel and then tries a takedown from behind, but Martel makes the ropes and we’re back to blindly wandering around the ring. This also brings up my biggest beef with this match: MARTEL DOESN’T CHEAT. He’s the fucking HEEL, he should be taking off his hood behind the ref’s back and then beating the shit out of Jake to get the heat. What kind of a pussy adheres to the stips? Jake tries a headlock and then falls to the floor (Bobby: “Excuse me…Martel! He’s on the floor!”) Martel follows him out and grabs a chair, but Jake drags him back in. Martel comes back with a backbreaker into the crab, but Jake escapes and finishes, thank god, with the DDT at 8:28. -**** Undertaker v. Jimmy Snuka Horrible overdub alert: Snuka’s music is replaced with generic up-tempo crap, so Fink has to redo his introduction. Really? They don’t have the rights to “Superfly” any longer? Did the guy at the beginning threaten to sue-sue-sue them? Thank you, I’ve been waiting to work that one in for like 5 years now. Anyway, Undertaker coldly puts Snuka down with the flying clothesline and drops the elbow, but that misses. Snuka fires back with chops, but tries a bodypress and lands on the floor instead. He fights back in for the apron and tries to slingshot back in, but Taker catches him and finishes with the tombstone at 4:15. And that is 1-0 for Undertaker. Can you even imagine? * (What I couldn’t imagine is a world where Snuka didn’t produce a daughter, who then grew up to be Tamina, daughter of WWE Legend Superfly Jimmy Snuka. That’s what I couldn’t imagine.) Retirement match: Randy Savage v. Ultimate Warrior Hey, isn’t that the lovely Elizabeth at ringside? More importantly, who’s her date? Man, that guy is about to get cock-blocked in the worst way. Warrior’s entrance is pretty reserved as compared to his usual, which was kind of the point. Savage goes with the cheapshot to start and pounds away, but Warrior puts him down with a shoulderblock and follows with a clothesline. Warrior chokes him down and gets an atomic drop from both ways, then tosses Savage into Sherri before slugging Savage down again. Macho gets tied in the ropes, but gets free and puts Warrior down with the hooking clothesline, then goes up with the flying bodypress, but Warrior catches him and sets him down to really egg him on. Oooo, BURN. Savage gets frustrated and tosses a chair in for the distraction, then blindsides Warrior, but Warrior calmly pounds him down and stomps a mudhole in the corner. Blind charge misses, however, and Warrior hits the floor, giving Sherri a chance to torment him. Savage follows with a flying axehandle to the floor, and sends Warrior into the post. Another shot from Sherri and they head back in for a Savage kneedrop that gets two. Warrior gets a backslide for two and Gorilla informs us “we’ve just been informed that this is the largest audience in the history of pay-per-view”. Really? In the middle of the show they got those numbers? (Obviously the Miz wasn’t headlining.) Warrior tries the flying shoulderblock, but Savage moves and gets two. That was a weak spot, actually. Savage goes to a sleeper, but Warrior fights out of it and they criss-cross into the double-clothesline. Warrior reverses a slam into the small package, but the ref is distracted by Sherri and it only gets two. Ref is bumped and Sherri gets more directly involved, but hits Savage with her shoe by mistake. Warrior goes after her, allowing Savage to get a rollup for two. Warrior slugs him down, but Savage sends him into the turnbuckles and it’s looking bad for Warrior. Slam gets two and Savage drops the big elbow, then gets really dramatic and drops FOUR MORE of them. You’d think that would do it, but it only gets two. Warrior powers up and makes the comeback with the three clotheslines and gorilla press, but the big splash only gets two. Maybe he should have done FIVE of them like Savage did. Warrior appeals to the gods for help, or maybe just the photographer in the rafters, who knows with this guy. No answer is forthcoming so he decides to walk out of the match and think it over, but Savage makes the decision for him and attacks. Savage tries to drop an axehandle onto the Warrior’s throat ala Ricky Steamboat, but he misses and splatters himself on the railing. And Warrior apparently has his message (perhaps God had voice mail and was just on another call at the time) because he heads back in and spears Savage out of the ring. Back in, second verse same as the first. One last shoulderblock and Savage is retired (with a bazillion more World titles yet to come) at 20:45. Still awesome, although the occasional goofed up spot and slightly anti-climactic ending leave it well short of perfection. ****1/2 And of course, Machiavellian Sherri attacks her former meal ticket afterwards like Lady Macbeth, leaving Elizabeth to make the unlikely save, finally getting physically involved on behalf of Savage after years of being the distraction and nothing more. And so they are reunited again and would have been the happy ending to Savage’s career, had it actually been the ending. The retirement proved to be pretty inconvenient because suddenly Savage was the #2 babyface in the promotion again and could have easily carried the belt. Anyway, I think I have dust in my eye, let’s move on… Demolition v. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao What a strangely random tag team match. Clearly this is after the intermission, which is brutal because we’re already two hours into this thing with two title matches to come. The pre-match interviews with Regis trying to interview the Japanese contingent and Trebek antagonizing Demolition are brutal. (On the Score in the segments after the commercials on this week’s RAW, Arda Ocal actually referenced those interviews as one of the dumbest moments in Wrestlemania history, and it’s hard to argue.) Speaking of brutal, “Demolition” is once again edited out, giving us Spooky Ghost Finkel. Crush attacks Kitao, but he fires back with forearms. Fuji hits him with the cane to give the Demos the advantage, but Kitao doesn’t really sell any of Smash’s goofy offense. Crush goes to the neck vice and Smash chokes him out. Kitao finally gets a random clothesline out of the corner and brings Tenryu in, but he misses an elbow off the top. Crush comes in with a backbreaker and Smash sets up for the finish, but Kitao pushes Crush off the top and Tenryu hits Smash with an enzuigiri and finishes with the powerbomb at 4:39. I don’t know WHAT they were going for here, but it probably wasn’t this. Demolition was thankfully put out to pasture as a concept after this. DUD Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman Finally, I can watch the uncut match. Another two-death match in a depressing series of them tonight. Four if you’re counting the referee and Andre. This was of course the culmination of Bobby Heenan insulting Big Bossman’s mother for months, resulting in Bossman mowing through the entire Heenan family. In hindsight, he should have won the title here. They had lots of time to put the belt back on Perfect before Bret got it anyway. Bossman’s music is overdubbed with the shitty Attitude era music, but thankfully Perfect’s theme survives. Bossman DISRESPECTS THE TOWEL and then spits on Perfect, and you know that’s not gonna stand. Bossman tosses Perfect around by the hair and then catches him with a clothesline out of the corner, as Perfect gives us his first somersault sell. Bossman tosses him to start the bumping officially . Back in, Perfect does the somersault bump out of the corner, and Bossman whips him with his belt for good measure. Perfect, however, is SMART and absorbs the punishment long enough to steal the belt, then wraps it around his fist and puts Bossman down with it. They slug it out in the corner and Perfect whips him into the turnbuckles, and then it’s a historic Gorilla moment: Mr. Perfect applies an abdominal stretch and Gorilla notes that it’s perfectly applied! That is the only time I’ve heard him fail to gripe about the foot not being hooked properly. Perfect releases and gets the necksnap, and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX, but sadly he’s wrong because Bossman reverses for two. Perfect fires back with an inverted version of the necksnap, and that’s just nasty. Perfect goes up and lands on Bossman’s boot, and Bossman posts him. Perfect bails to escape that, suckering Bossman out and into the STEEL stairs. Luckily, Andre the Giant is in the building to deal with these shenanigans, and he grabs the title belt from the timekeeper and then casually whacks Perfect with it. Perfect’s sell of that is epic. You’d think “title change” there, but no, it only gets two as the cavalry runs in for the DQ at 10:44. Much better than the edited Coliseum version, but the finish just totally fell apart because Andre was really slow in hitting his marks. But then, would YOU argue with him? ***1/4 Earthquake v. Greg Valentine Boy, that Greg Valentine face turn…what more can you say about it? Oh man, Chuck Norris interviewed at ringside many years before he became an internet meme. Quake pounds him in the corner and follows with the powerslam, but Hammer comes out of the corner with an elbow and pounds Quake down. Elbow off the middle rope and Valentine drops the Hammer, but Quake’s legs are too big for the figure-four. Another try, but Valentine gets distracted by Jimmy Hart, and Quake puts him away at 3:14. It was what it was. 1/2* The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory If you put together a “Paul Roma’s Greatest Moments” DVD, this would probably be high up on the list. Another two-death match. P&G attacks to start, but Animal powerslams Roma and the Doomsday Device finishes him at 1:00. There’s your Wrestlemania Moment, Paul. DUD Ted Dibiase v. Virgil Virgil’s inevitable slow-burn face turn was one where people had been waiting for years to see it, but once they did it they had nowhere else to go with the character. It’s a shame that UFC was still a few years away at this point, because a name change and refit into a MMA-style street fighter would have been a good gimmick direction for Virgil. The name change would have been an easy one as well, because he could be like “That was just the name you gave me!” and everyone would completely buy it. In fact, why would he continue calling himself “Virgil” after leaving Dibiase’s employ, anyway? Virgil uses the fisticuffsmanship to get Dibiase off his game to start, then slingshots him in from the apron. He clotheslines Dibiase back out again, and gets a back elbow for two in the ring. Dibiase bails and stalls, and back in he accuses Virgil of cheating to buy time. Virgil takes him down, but Dibiase gets his own drop toehold and rams him into the turnbuckles a few times. Piledriver gets two. Suplex gets two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. Virgil bails and Dibiase follows him out and beats up on the crippled Roddy Piper for good measure, because he’s AWESOME. Back in, powerslam for Virgil, but Piper uses his crutch to pull down the top rope and Dibiase is counted out at 7:35. This didn’t really go anywhere and was far eclipsed by their Summerslam match later that year. *1/2 Dibiase lays the beatdown on Virgil afterwards until Piper saves, but now Sherri changes teams and debuts as Dibiase’s new manager for a pairing that should have worked way better than it did. The storylines with Sherri siphoning off Dibiase’s millions could have written themselves. The Mountie v. Tito Santana And one last squash before the main event, just because this show wasn’t ridiculously long enough as it is. Tito gets the flying forearm right away and goes after Jimmy Hart, then hits Mountie with an atomic drop. Shock stick to the gut finishes for Mountie, however, at 1:18. DUD WWF World title: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan Hulk works the headlock to start and boots Slaughter down, but goes after Adnan and that allows Slaughter to attack with a chair. Not just any chair, but a Wrestlemania souvenir chair from the looks of it! Those hurt EXTRA, but Hulk no-sells it and they head back in. Slaughter pounds away in the corner and puts Hogan down with an elbow, then drops knees before missing an elbow. Bobby goes off on a funny run on Regis’ behalf about how he dislikes Hogan because “the men I managed never got any title shots”, which is such a ridiculously blatant lie that you have to love it. Hogan comes back and whips Slaughter around the ring, then backdrops him out of the corner. Catapult into the post and Gorilla declares that we’re seeing “The Hulkster of the 90s”. No, I’d say the Hulk of the 90s was yet to come, but kudos for trying to be timely. Corner clothesline gets two and Hulk goes AERIAL, but Slaughter catches him coming down. Hulk shakes it off and slams him, then drops the elbows before going up AGAIN. Slaughter slams him off the top to take over, and goes to work on the back. Clothesline misses by a good foot, but Hogan sells it and goes to the floor anyway. Sarge chokes him out with the TV cable, which is carrying the signal to the biggest PPV audience in the history of PPV you know, and back in Slaughter keeps pounding the back. Boston Crab, and Slaughter uses the old Arn Anderson trick of having Adnan push on his head for leverage, but Hogan makes the ropes. Slaughter stays on the back and goes up with a flying kneedrop, but Adnan actually distracts the ref while Slaughter is covering. It still gets two. Slaughter retrieves another chair and hits Hogan right in the bald spot, and we get blood from that. The REAR CHINLOCK OF DEATH seems to signal the end for Hulkamania, but much like those democracy-loving Kuwaitis, Hogan escapes the deathgrip of Iraq and makes the comeback. Big boot, legdrop, and it’s mission accomplished and Osama Bin Laden captured all in one pinfall at 20:21. Lex Luger probably would have won by countout. Gorilla declares that the war is now officially over that Hogan has won the title back. I’m sure all the soldiers in Kuwait were relieved to hear that. *** The Pulse Holy cow this show is LONG. The full version isn’t significantly different from the edited one in terms of making the show better or worse, but 3.5 hours is just way too long for a show that didn’t need junk filler like Earthquake v. Valentine and Tito Santana v. Mountie. Still kind of a forgotten and overly maligned show. Mild recommendation.
Wrestlemania Countdown: 7
8th March 2012 by Scott Keith
The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VII (2012 Scott sez: Jesus fuck, ANOTHER three-version Wrestlemania rant. Before I was married, I had so much time on my hands that I could apparently just sit around and watch the same damn shows OVER AND OVER. Actually, that’s pretty accurate, come to think of it.) – Live from Los Angeles, California and the Memorial Coliseum…oh, wait, that’s just in Vince’s dreams. It’s actually the much smaller Sports Arena. Bomb threat my ass… Original airdate: March 24, 1991 – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan, plus a host of others.– Opening match: The Rockers v. Haku & Barbarian. Yup, the Faces of Fear actually got started as a team in the WWF. Wicked move as the Rockers double-team Haku, but Barbarian runs in with a clothesline on both guys that results in a double-somersault-oversell. Cool stuff. The Rockers must not be stoned tonight. (Or, more accurately, they were getting better at hiding it.) Marty holds his own with Barbarian but gets caught in the corner and double-teamed, then stun-gunned while attempting a rana on Haku. Jannetty bumps like a madman to hold it together. A Barbarian flying headbutt misses, allowing Marty to hot tag Shawn, who does some nicely timed stuff to hold off the heels. Double dropkick on Haku and then a dropkick off the top from Marty leads to a bodypress off the top from Shawn for the pin. The Rockers could do no wrong at this point, and this is proof. *** – Kiss-ass celebrity interview segment with Regis Philbin, Marla Maples and Alex Trebek. – Kerry Von Erich v. Dino Bravo. Okay, this is just a little creepy, considering the current state of both guys. Nothing match as both guys had already outlived their usefulness to the federation, and there was a suicide watch on Kerry to boot. (No pun intended.) Bravo gets the side slam, but it only gets two. He follows with something off the second rope, but gets caught with the clawhold, and Von Erich finishes it with the discus punch, possibly the worst finisher in history. 1/4* (Hey now, there’s a long tradition of heroic muscle men winding up their punches to add maximum impact!) – The Warlord v. The British Bulldog. There was some sort of issue here that I might have cared about in 1991 but I can’t be bothered to remember it now. The match ran about 8 minutes originally and is clipped to about two here, thankfully. Warlord wears down Bulldog and gets the FULL-NELSON OF DOOM, but Bulldog breaks it and powerslams him for the pin. 1/4* – WWF World tag team title match: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys. Vince stole the Nasties from WCW a few months prior to this and I guess they wanted to justify the contracts or something. (I think “stole” is a bit strong, as WCW didn’t see much in them anyway.) This marks the end of the first phase of Bret’s WWF career. Nasties have zero heat. Jimmy Hart just happens to be wearing a motorcycle helmet. The subtlety just boggles the mind. We get a shot of Macauley Culkin in the crowd and Gorilla completely misses the significance. The Harts are just amazingly over, and they do the impossible and carry the Nasties to a watchable match here. Bret works in the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM early on. Match slows down (waaaaay down) as Sags works on Bret with a rear chinlock. Nasties blow a move, and we get the false tag to Neidhart. Sags gets nailed with the megaphone by mistake and Neidhart gets the tag for real. Nasties get demolished and Hart Attacked, but Bret gets escorted from the ring, allowing Sags to nail Neidhart with that conveniently present motorcycle helmet and win the WWF tag team titles. Better than it had any right to be. **1/2 (That helmet actually falls under the cinematic convention of establishing that the gun is present all the way in the first act of the movie and then paying it off at the end. Also known as the banana peel theory: Show the banana peel, show the banana peel, slip on the banana peel.) – Blindfold match: Rick Martel v. Jake Roberts. This one falls under “dumb ideas stolen from Kevin Sullivan”. The High Concept: Both guys are blindfolded, to symbolize Jake’s blindness at the hands of Martel. (Or from exceptionally cheap hooch. Grizzly Smith WAS a backwoods mountain man.) Jake encourages the crowd to cheer louder when he points to where Martel is. Not exactly much contact being made as they spend most of the match standing in the corners trying to figure out where the other guy is. Martel gets his hands on Jake, finally, and puts him in the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out, then gropes around long enough to find Martel and DDT him for the pin. There was maybe 5 points total where contact was made. Easily the worst-ever Wrestlemania match at –**** (I wouldn’t say “easily” in a world with Bossman v. Undertaker. I think this was written before that, though.) – Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker. Even in 91, the *Bong* got a good pop. Too bad it took another couple of years for them to figure out that turning out the lights made it even louder. This marks two years in a row that Snuka gets to be Designated Squash Victim. (More importantly, Snuka gets to be the guy who makes Undertaker 1-0) The flying clothesline gets a big pop. Undertaker manhandles Superfly with so little emotion that the fans don’t know what to make of him. Snuka slingshots into the ring, and was supposed to be caught and tombstoned, but someone messes up and UT has to put him down, then pick him up and tombstone him again. Either way, it’s an easy pin that actually gets a face pop for UT. DUD (Snuka’s Wrestlemania career may have ended here, but luckily his legacy lives on in his daughter, Tamina. Ironically, Tamina is also the daughter of WWE Legend Superfly Jimmy Snuka! And now you know the rest of the story.) – Retirement match: The Ultimate Warrior v. Randy Savage. Bobby Heenan points out that Elizabeth is sitting ringside. (Show the banana peel…) Geez, she couldn’t even get front row. Warrior wisely decides to not run to ringside. Savage takes his top off, showing that he means business. Doesn’t help, as Warrior methodically destroys Savage in a manner totally unlike him. Savage comes off the top but gets caught by Warrior, and then, in an Eddy Guerrero-like moment, Warrior simply puts him down and slaps him. Ooooo, you could get shot for doing shit like that in Mexico. Warrior paces himself nicely, slowly beating the hell out of Savage. He finally goes high-risk and misses a cross-corner charge, sending him flying out of the ring, where Sherri abuses him. Has Sherri been drinking “Ass Bulk 2000” or something? (No, but she did end up drinking booze and painkillers one time too many. Sad face.) Savage sends Warrior to the post and Sherri lays in more punishment. Warrior calmly comes back in the ring and clotheslines Savage out of his boots. Flying shouldblock misses and Savage gets two. Sleeper, and Warrior fights out, but they do the double-knockout bit. Warrior with a small package, but Sherri is distracting the ref. Savage decks Warrior from behind, bumping the ref in the process. But Sherri’s interference backfires and she knocks out Savage. Warrior chases her around, and gets cradled for two. Savage with a stun-gun and the running necksnap for two. Savage drops the big elbow! But it’s not enough, so he drops…FOUR MORE! Seriously, the guy drops five flying elbows on Warrior, just to be a dick. And it only gets two, which didn’t really matter at the time because Savage was supposed to be retiring anyway, so who cared if his move was ruined. (I have to wonder if they legitimately thought Savage was retiring at that point, because that was such a bizarre spot otherwise.) Warrior re-energizes and blitzes Savage with the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DEATH, then the Gorilla Press and splash. *That* only gets two, and now Warrior doesn’t know what to do. He has an epiphanic moment, as he talks to his hands, looking for advice. He starts to walk away from the match, but Savage jumps him from behind. (Gorilla Monsoon, normally a guy who doesn’t tolerate bullshit as an announcer, was beyond stupid here having to talk about Warrior speaking to his gods.) That’s apparently good enough an answer for Warrior, as he moves out of the way of the double-axehandle, sending Savage crashing to the steel railing. He tosses Savage back into the ring and spears Savage, which puts Savage onto the floor. He does it again, sending Savage out again. Finally he throws Savage back in one last time, hits the shoulderblock, and places a foot on his chest to win the match. Warrior’s best match ever. ****1/2 – Extra-curricular activities that lend this match it’s legendary status: Sherri is, shall we say, somewhat miffed at her money source being retired, so she takes out her frustrations on the beaten and helpless Savage. Big boos for that. And then, in one of the great moments of wrestling, Elizabeth finally takes an active role, running out of the audience to make the save and sending Sherri running. Savage wakes up and realizes what happened, then finally reconciles with Elizabeth after two years, bringing tears to every woman (and some of the men) in the arena. (Not me. Just dust in my eye from all the manly stuff I had been doing outside that day, like roping horses while smoking unfiltered Marlboros and drinking whiskey. In fact, it was probably the incredibly carcinogenic smoke that was in my eyes.) Unbelievably great booking as both Warrior and Savage go out on top with a face pop. As a symbolic gesture, Savage holds the ropes open for Liz before leaving, which is Savage’s way of apologizing for years of abuse. See, sometimes it *can* be Shakespeare, kids. Don’t ever let ’em tell you different. (Although if Vince wrote Hamlet, the hero would probably change his mind 14 times before revealing that he killed his own father and was working with Claudius all along.) – Demolition v. Genichiro Tenyru & Koji Kitao. Witness the last match for Demolition before Smash goes solo as Repo Man and Crush goes solo as Crush. No one knows or gives a shit about the Japanese faction, which makes me wonder about the point of this. Demos go for Decapitation, but Kitao pushes Crush off the top and Tenryu powerbombs Smash for the pin. This was nothing. 1/2* – Intercontinental title match: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman. (So many dead people on this show. Every time I go back and do a re-rant the list grows longer and longer. I’m only 37, I shouldn’t be watching all my childhood heroes dying before I even get to middle age.) Heenan started insulting Bossman’s mother in mid-1990, and Bossman responded by mowing down every member of Heenan’s family, leading up to a title match with Hennig. Hennig and Heenan reference Rodney King in the pre-match interview. Bossman mops up with Hennig, but he misses a charge outside the ring and hits the stairs. Heenan lays into Bossman, and Andre the Giant suddenly strides out of the dressing room to help Bossman! Well, as suddenly as Andre moved at the time. Andre grabs the title belt from ringside, and when Hennig lips him off about it, Andre casually smacks him with it, knocking him out. Bossman covers for two, and the nWo…er…Heenan Family runs in for the lame DQ. Hmm, that’s a weird ending for a show with nothing but clean pins up to that point. All standard logic pointed to Bossman winning the title here, but it didn’t happen. Still, the face went over, leaving the fans happy. ** – Earthquake v. Greg Valentine. Valentine turned face as MSG to set this up, and it ends just as briskly. Earthquake absorbs punishment from Hammer for a while and then finishes it with the Quake splash. * – The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory. The Parade O’ Squashes continues, as LOD wipes out Roma and Hercules in something like 8 seconds with the Doomsday Device. Next. DUD – Ted Dibiase v. Virgil. I assume y’all know the story here. Virgil turns on Dibiase at Royal Rumble to go face, and turns to Roddy Piper for training advice. This was just after Piper’s first hip replacement surgery, which is covered by a “motorcycle accident” story. (That doesn’t sound right to me. I think it actually was a motorcycle accident, although I could be thinking of Vince. My life is definitely easier in the age of Wikipedia, I’ll say that.) Virgil boxes with Dibiase to start, as he plays the role of a manager who is learning to wrestle, even though he really can wrestle. Dibiase gains control for a bit, then goes outside to shove the crippled Piper off his chair. Cheap but effective. Dibiase comes off the ropes and Piper hooks the ropes with the crutch, giving Virgil the countout win. I believe this was clipped. Dibiase puts Virgil out with the Million Dollar Dream and Piper limps in to make the save with his crutch, drawing Sherri out of the dressing room as Dibiase’s new manager. They destroy Piper’s knee for fun. Match is 1/2* if that. Danny Davis tries to take the crutch away from Piper and Piper lets him have it right in the nuts. EEEEEEEE-YOWCH! (Speaking as someone who spent a long stretch on crutches in my younger years, I can tell you that whacking someone in the junk with an aluminum crutch is a tremendous way to get them to never pick on you again.) – The Mountie v. Tito Santana. One last match before the main. You’d think Tito would have lost the Strike Force tights TWO YEARS after the breakup. Very quick match as Tito goes after Mountie in the ropes and Jimmy Hart gives Mountie the cattle prod to allow an easy pinfall. DUD – WWF World title match: Sgt. Slobber v. Hulk Hogan. One year after the most interesting angle of Hogan’s career (to that time, anyway), he’s back to fighting the Evil Foreign Menace. Hogan hammers on Sarge for the first 6 or 7 minutes, but Slaughter catches him coming off the top rope (!) to take control. Hogan blades after a chairshot. This is a really, really long match for Hogan. I would just like to note right now that I would give good money to see Hogan come back to the WWF and win the World title right away, then defend it at the Survivor Series. Against Bret Hart. With Vince McMahon at ringside. I think that would be enough of an apology for Bret. I’d love just to see the look on Hulk’s face after being screwed. That would be so glorious. (Of course, he DID come back to the WWF three years after I wrote that, and he DID win the World title right away, but sadly he dropped it in the ring to Undertaker.) Anyway, the usual Hogan match follows here, as Slobber puts him in the dread REAR CHINLOCK OF HIDEOUS DISCOMFORT, but Hogan fights out, rips up the Iraqi flag, hits the big boot and legdrop, and gets the WWF title for the third time. And that’s that. **1/4 The Bottom Line: This show has a bad rap for some reason, but barring the main event it’s really quite good for a WWF show. All the faces went over in the important matches, and the heels went over where it was needed to build them up. And the bad stuff was short. Recommended show. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VII (Once again, the middle portion of the rant, which I have no patience for, so probably don’t look for much here beyond a Tamina joke. The entire rant is basically the same, but with match times, so I don’t know why the fuck I bothered. These days I’m like “Oh man, can I squeeze in an hour of Wrestlemania 27 after Smackdown on Friday so I can do the whole thing before this year’s show?” and back then I’m randomly redoing perfectly cromulent rants because I had nothing else going on all day after I got home from work early in the morning.) – This is from an original Coliseum tape that I bought from a video store years ago, so it’s clipped. Fun fact: I’ve never seen the full version of this show, because they stopped showing Wrestlemania on closed-circuit after VI, and PPV didn’t come to Edmonton until Summerslam 92. This is also the last Coliseum version to be clipped, because from then on the PPV broadcast had to conform to the 2:40 standard. – Live from Los Angeles, CA. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a rotating crew of color men. – Opening match: Haku & Barbarian v. The Rockers. This was a weird time for the Rockers, because they were constantly trying to tease the breakup, but Shawn was having the best matches of his career up until that point. Common wisdom was the newly-pushed Haku & Barbarian getting the easy win here. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn and then rams him backfirst into the corner and whips him around, but Shawn escapes into a criss-cross, and gets a shoulderblock to take him down. They trade wristlocks and Haku slugs away, but Marty comes in for a double elbow…and Barbarian hits both of them with a clothesline, for a Double Jannetty Sell. They respond with a double superkick, and the heels bail. Good stuff. Back in, Barbarian chops on Marty and headbutts him down, but Marty uses speed to evade him and tries a sunset flip. Barbarian blocks it, so Marty goes up with a rana instead. That gets two. Barbarian headbutts him again and brings in Haku for more headbutts, but Marty tries another rana, which gets turned into a hotshot to turn the tide and make Marty YOUR alcoholic-in-peril. Haku with a back elbow and Barbarian adds some double-teaming, and then a press slam. He cuts off the tag by drawing Shawn in, and some shenanigans in the heel corner result. Marty & Haku collide, but Haku recovers first and stomps away. Marty takes another hard bump into the corner and Haku follows with a pair of backbreakers, and we’re clipped a bit to Barbarian going up and missing a diving headbutt. Hot tag Shawn and he hammers on Barbarian in the corner and hits Haku with a crossbody, and then follows with a neckbreaker for two. Haku goes to the eyes, but Shawn gets a sunset flip for one. It’s BONZO GONZO and Barbarian gets dumped, and the Rockers both go up with a missile dropkick from Marty to set up a high cross from Shawn that finishes at 8:40. Super hot opener, with the classic big man v. little man dynamic. ***1/4 – Kerry Von Erich v. Dino Bravo. Kerry was already nearing the end of his usefulness to the WWF at this point, less than a year into his run with them. Bravo attacks to start and dumps Kerry, and they brawl outside. Back in, Kerry comes back with an atomic drop and slugs away, but Bravo blocks the clawhold. Kerry charges and hits knee, and Bravo follows with an atomic drop and elbow for two. Bravo tries the CLUBBING FOREARMS, but Kerry fights him off, so Bravo gets the sideslam for two. Kerry comes back with the claw and finishes with the Discus Punch at 2:45. Real bad. DUD – Warlord v. The British Bulldog. They fight over a lockup and Warlord gets a quick knee, but Bulldog overpowers him and he bails. Back in, Warlord counters a crucifix with a samoan drop, and we’re obviously clipped via a rant from Slick outside. Warlord tries the full-nelson, but Bulldog fights out and finishes with the powerslam at 2:30. About a million edits here, and that’s probably for the best. DUD – WWF tag team titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys. Sags gets a cheapshot out of the corner to start and pounds away, but Bret comes back with a Thesz Press and an atomic drop on Knobs. We’re clipped to Knobs coming in and going with Anvil, slugging away in the corner and losing that battle. Hiptoss out of the corner and Neidhart sends him to the floor, and the Nasties regroup again. Back in, Neidhart works the arm, but gets caught in the heel corner and Sags pounds him with forearms, until Neidhart brings Bret back in. Bret fires away in the corner on Sags and gets the legsweep, setting up the second-rope elbow for two. Knobs sneaks in and catches him with a clothesline from the back to turn the tide, however, and Bret gets dumped. Back in, Sags whips Bret around and gets a backbreaker for two. Sags goes to a rear chinlock, but Bret has a nice reversal into a neckbreaker. He tries for the tag, but Knobs draws Neidhart in, thus cutting it off, and goes back to the rear chinlock on Bret. Bret powers out to escape, and again they sucker Anvil in, but their double-team backfires, as Sags whips Knobs into the corner and Bret makes…a false tag to Anvil. The megaphone gets involved, but Knobs hits Sags by mistake, hot tag Neidhart. He cleans house and clotheslines both Nasties, and elbows Knobs down for two. Powerslam gets two. Bret comes in and it’s BONZO GONZO, as he chases Sags around, and into a collision with Knobs. The Harts get the Hart Attack on Knobs, but the ref escorts Bret out, and a helmet to the head of Anvil finishes at 8:55 and we have new champions. Solid stuff with all the tag team formula spots, although about 5 minutes was missing so the full version might have been better or worse, hard to say. *** – Blindfold match: Jake Roberts v. Rick Martel. This is a legendary match, for all the wrong reasons, as Martel blinded Jake to set it up. Maybe it was just the cheap rotgut he was drinking at the time? (Oh wait, I see I already made the joke that I inserted into the first rant. Whoops.) So yeah, both guys are wearing hoods, which they can obviously see through in reality. The idea is that Jake points to where Martel is, and the crowd cheers to lead him on. They wander around the ring and Jake trips Martel up for two. Martel pounds him on the mat and tries a backdrop, but Jake just moves out of the way. Now, why wouldn’t someone do that all the time? Talk about exposing the inherent logic gaps of the business. They bump into each other again, but they can’t find each other. Nothing like non-contact to spice up a match. Martel finally gets a slam, but Jake just stands up to dodge an elbowdrop. Martel accidentally gropes Damian and retreats to the other corner. Jake finally finds him and grabs a headlock, but Martel dumps him. Martel follows like an idiot and grabs a chair, but of course can’t find him. Back in, Martel gets a backbreaker and the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out. Martel is dazed, DDT, goodnight at 6:09. There’s a reason why you don’t see many blindfold matches…well…ever, really. -*** – Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker. Despite still being a heel, the pop Undertaker gets for the opening “bong” is pretty impressive. Callaway had the character down cold from day one. Snuka charges to start and gets hammered in the corner as a result. Taker chokes away and gets the flying clothesline, and then fights off a charge with a knee that sends Snuka to the floor. Suplex back in, but an elbow misses. Snuka tries to fight back with a headbutt, but misses a crossbody attempt and splats on the floor. Back in, Taker finishes with the tombstone at 4:18. The only purpose was to make Taker look like a killer, and that’s what it did. ½* (Not as much of an (alleged) killer as Snuka, but at least Taker could remember this the next morning. Oh yeah, Tamina something something Jimmy Snuka.) – Retirement match: Ultimate Warrior v. Randy Savage. In retrospect, the wrong guy went over. Thankfully, Warrior WALKS to the ring for once, conserving energy instead of blowing up in the first 30 seconds. They fight over a lockup to start and Savage actually gives a clean break, but Warrior powers him down. Savage knees him and goes to the eyes to gain the advantage, but Warrior overpowers him again and he bails. Back in, Warrior clotheslines him and gets a two-handed choke, into an atomic drop, both ways. See, Warrior can mix up the moveset when he needed to. Sherri tries running in, so Warrior tosses Savage into her and slugs Savage down. Savage gets tied in the ropes and Warrior stomps on him, then puts his head down and Savage hits him with the clothesline and goes up. Crossbody (!?) is caught by Warrior, but he just puts him down and slaps him. OOOOOOOO. Savage bails and tosses a chair in to distract the ref, then attacks Warrior from behind, but that gets him nowhere. This is cool because it’s about Savage losing his temper and Warrior not acting like a maniac for once, because it’s so important to him. Warrior stomps a mudhole in the corner and slugs Savage down, but misses a blind charge, his first high-impact offensive attempt, and Sherri gives him a shot on the floor. Savage follows with an axehandle to the floor, but Warrior shoves Sherri away, which again allows Savage to attack him. Again, when Warrior stays calm he’s in control, but when he loses it Savage takes over. Back in, Savage drops a knee for two. Gorilla then makes a ridiculous statement, that it’s the “largest audience in the history of PPV”, like they would know the buyrate an hour into the show. Warrior gets a backslide for two and Savage takes a powder, but Warrior catches him coming in with a clothesline. He misses the shoulderblock, however, and Savage gets two. We hit the chinlock and Warrior powers out, and they criss-cross into a double-clothesline, and both are out. Sherri distracts the ref while Warrior cradles Savage, and that gets two. Warrior loses his temper again and the ref gets bumped as a result, after a botched editing job, and Sherri goes in, hitting Savage with her shoe by mistake. Warrior goes after her again, again making a dumb mistake, and Savage rolls him up for two. Warrior slugs him down, but Savage sends him into the turnbuckle and necksnaps him. Another necksnap on the top and Savage clubs him down, slamming him for two. He goes up with the flying elbow, and then since it’s a special occasion, drops four more. You’d THINK would be enough to beat him, but it only gets two. Given that Savage was going to come back, they shouldn’t have done that, but it didn’t hurt the move in the long run, since Savage would start pinning guys with it again anyway. Warrior fights up, however, and slugs Savage down, setting up the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DOOM and the gorilla press. Unlike the year before, he has enough strength left to actually pull it off correctly this time. The splash…gets two. The crowd is a little shocked by that. Warrior gets all freaked out and talks to his hands (maybe Jake slipped him a little something before the match?) and apparently the answer is to walk away from the match, which allows Savage to recover. Savage knocks him off the apron and puts him on the railing, but misses the flying axehandle and knocks himself silly. And now it’s the big comeback for Warrior, as he tosses Savage back into the ring, hits him with three shoulderblocks, and ends his career (well, forever IS a short time in wrestling) at 20:47. Easily Warrior’s best match ever, and one of my personal favorites of all-time, as Warrior paced himself and they delivered a great storyline and Savage worked his ass off. ****1/2 This is THE reason to see this show. – And then of course the big angle which followed, as Sherri turned on the fallen Savage and beat on him, drawing Elizabeth out of the crowd to make the save and thus reunite with Savage and turn him into the #1 babyface in the promotion, moments after his “retirement”. It still works, no matter how many times, and they’d be well advised to try the same thing with Trish and Jericho on Sunday. (Quite the opposite happened, as Trish actually turned on Jericho and somehow boosted her career into another gear as a result. Oh man was Evil Trish HOT.) Unfortunately, Savage’s descent into dementia in the real world and Elizabeth’s ugly end while shacked up with Lex Luger would mean that the storybook romance wouldn’t have a happy ending, but sometimes it’s nice to remember when it MIGHT have. (How is it fair that ULTIMATE WARRIOR is the only guy left alive out of this match?) – Demolition v. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao. This is the Bryan Adams version of Demolition. Crush starts with Kitao, but gets kneed and hammered on the ropes. Mr. Fuji hits him with the cane for good measure, and Smash comes in, but Kitao brings Tenryu in, a young and spry 40 or so at that point, and he goes up with the elbow, but misses. Crush gets a backbreaker and Smash gets a backdrop suplex to set up Decapitation, but Kitao breaks it up. Crush goes back up, but gets shoved off again, and Tenryu hits Smash with an enzuigiri and powerbombs him for the pin at 2:50. No idea what the point of this was, but it sure sucked. Crush & Smash went their separate ways after this. DUD – Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman. This was the blowoff of the lengthy Bossman v. Heenan feud, with Bobby insulting Bossman’s mama for months, and Bossman running through the entire Heenan family to get revenge. Standard logic had Bossman going over to finish the job here. Gorilla again repeats the nonsense about the largest PPV audience. (But was it trending on Twitter?) Just to clarify, VI did a 3.8 buyrate, and this one did 2.8. They exchange slaps to start and Perfect does a spinning sell of one, and Bossman gives him a hairtoss. He slugs Perfect into the corner and gets a clothesline that Perfect oversells with zeal, and then tosses Perfect to the floor. Back in, another shot puts Perfect over the top again. Bossman goes after the Brain, however, and that allows Perfect to send him into the stairs. However, Andre the Giant heads out to even things up. In the ring, Perfect hammers on Bossman, while Andre grabs the IC title. Perfect rams Bossman into an exposed turnbuckle and goes after Andre, and gets the belt in the face for his troubles. Bossman comes back and gets two, and Haku & Barbarian run in for the DQ at 4:35. This didn’t get going at all, which is a shame because Bossman was on a killer run at the time. * – Earthquake v. Greg Valentine. Valentine had turned face by means which I don’t remember or care about. Quake attacks him in the corner and powerslams him for two. Blind charge misses and Hammer starts chopping and elbowing. Earthquake finally goes down and Valentine drops another elbow to set up the figure-four, but let’s face it, that’s pretty stupid. Jimmy Hart distracts him and Quake finishes with the butt splash at 3:14. ½* – The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory. The pre-match interview is longer and more entertaining than the match, as the LOD storm in, dispose of Hercules, and finish Paul Roma with the Doomsday Device at 0:55. This ended the usefulness of Power & Glory as a heel team, which was kind of a shame because they were really over and basically being used better than they had been in years. DUD (On the other hand, fuck Paul Roma.) – Ted Dibiase v. Virgil. Roddy Piper was “training” Virgil to build up to this and was in his corner, but had a motorcycle accident and thus he was on crutches. Virgil starts punching and Dibiase goes down, and bails. Back in, Virgil takes him down, so Dibiase responds with a drop toehold and chops him in the corner. Back elbow and gutwrench suplex get two. Dibiase tosses him and then shoves Piper down, and back in powerslams Virgil. Piper pulls down the ropes, however, and Dibiase is counted out at 4:36. Barely a match. ¼* Sherri makes her return, now aligned with Dibiase – The Mountie v. Tito Santana. Quick squash for the Mountie before the main event, as Tito gets a quick flying forearm, only to be shocked with the tazer and pinned at 1:19. DUD – WWF title match: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan. It’s weird, because even six years earlier this would have been quite the dream match. They fight over the lockup to start, and Hogan powers him down. The show may have bombed, but the heat is huge. Hogan grabs a headlock and overpowers him again. They brawl outside and Hogan goes after Adnan, which allows Slaughter to hit him with a chair. Hogan no-sells that and tosses him back in, but Slaughter goes to the eyes and slugs away. Back elbow and Slaughter drops some knees to work on the neck, but misses an elbow. Hogan comes back with a clothesline and goes after Adnan, then hits Slaughter with an elbow in the corner. Atomic drop gets two. They brawl outside again and back in, where Hogan gets the Axe Bomber for two. He sends Slaughter into the post and backdrops him out of the corner, then whips him into the corner again. High knee into the corner and Hogan catapults him into the post , as the ringpost proves to be a more effective worker than Hogan. Hogan follows him into the corner with a clothesline and fires away with punches, then back into the other turnbuckle again for two. Hotshot and elbows, and Hogan GOES UP? Adnan trips him up and Slaughter slams him off, and they brawl outside, where Slaughter chokes him out with a cable. Back in, he goes to work on the back and gets a backbreaker for two. He keeps stomping on the back and goes into a Boston crab, using Adnan for extra leverage. Hogan makes the ropes. Back to the back, as he drops knees on it and comes off the top with a knee for two. Weird spot as Adnan stupidly distracts the ref while Slaughter had a clear pinfall on Hogan. Slaughter hits Hogan with a chair, drawing blood, and I assume THAT’S where Adnan was supposed to be distracting the ref. Short clothesline sets up the camel clutch, and only in THIS storyline could a rear chinlock be a deadly finishing move. At least it made sense within the context of the match, and Slaughter’s abuse of the back. Hogan powers out of it like in 1984 against Sheik, but Slaughter apparently saw that match and reverses him into the corner. He covers Hogan with the flag and gets two, and it’s Hulk Up Time. Hogan rips up the flag, which is actually a huge breach of international etiquette, and it’s punch punch punch big boot legdrop and he’s a 3-time champion at 20:23. This was actually quite good for a Hogan match, with Slaughter bumping a lot and carrying the pace and psychology. ***1/2 Taken out of the context of the horrible storyline and tasteless buildup to the match, it’s actually a fine main event. The Bottom Line: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: This show gets a MAJOR bad rap, as there’s four ***+ matches and one genuine classic in Warrior-Savage. Sure, the rest is junk, but the crowd was really hot and the main event delivered, so I think it’s a worthwhile show. Mildly recommended. The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania VII – Yeah, this is a kind of a random choice, I know, but I’ve been meaning to do the full Anthology version of the show for months now and this is as good a night as any. Since we didn’t have PPV in Edmonton at the time, this is the first time I’ve ever seen anything besides the heavily edited Coliseum version of this show. – Live from the Los Angeles Coliseum LA Sports Arena – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a rotating cast of color commentators, mainly Bobby Heenan. First up is Hacksaw Duggan, introduced with entrance music dubbed over where he had none previously. I don’t get that. – This show, much like Summerslam 93 (upcoming as soon as the Summerslam Anthology gets here from Amazon), is draped in cynical patriotic fervor from the WWF in hopes of drawing a buyrate on the back of the first Iraq war. It didn’t work. The Rockers v. Haku & The Barbarian FACES OF FEAR~! Odd choice for an opener, as Haku & Barbarian had no backstory together other than being members of the Heenan Family. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn to start and runs him into the corner, but they criss-cross and Shawn takes him down with a shoulder tackle for one. The Rockers double-team with a hiptoss into a double elbow, but Barbarian DESTROYS them with a clothesline for a rare double 180 somersault sell by the Rockers. Truly a special night. Rockers regroup with a double superkick to put Barbarian on the floor, and the heels get some advice from Heenan. Normally I’d have a joke here, but you’ll have to insert your own tonight. (OK, here’s mine: Don’t ask Marty to pee in the cup for you.) Back in, Barbarian hammers Marty on the apron, but gets caught with a sunset flip that gets two. Marty tries working the arm, but a double headbutt flattens him. Marty tries a rana, but Barbarian drops him on the top rope and Jannetty is YOUR face in peril. Haku elbows him down for another somersault sell, and Barbarian gets a press slam and draws Shawn in with a cheapshot. Haku and Marty collide and Marty gets two. That was clearly a blown spot, but they worked through it. Haku gets a pair of nasty backbreakers and Barbarian gets two. Clothesline and bearhug follow, and Barbarian whips Marty into the corner to work the back. Marty comes out of there with a flying clothesline, but Barbarian catches him in mid-air with a powerslam. Good spot. Barbarian goes up for the diving headbutt, but it misses, and it’s hot tag Shawn. Back elbow for Haku and he slugs away on both heels, and a neckbreaker on Haku gets two. Sunset flip gets two. They double-dropkick Barbarian out of the ring and finish Haku with a Marty missile dropkick into Shawn’s flying bodypress at 10:33. Great opener, as the Rockers were peaking as a team just before they self-destructed. ***1/2 Meanwhile, Mean Gene interviews Regis Philbin, Alex Trebek and Marla Maples. One of these things does not have the same cultural status she did in 1991. Dino Bravo v. Kerry Von Erich Now here’s a depressing match for you. Both guys were rapidly on the way down the slippery slope as it was, and of course it ended badly for both. Bravo hammers away before Tornado can get his robe off, but he makes the comeback and they slug it out in the corner. That goes nowhere and Bravo gets a cheapshot, then drops an elbow for two. Side slam gets two. Bravo comes off the middle rope with a forearm shot that literally misses by a foot, but Kerry comes back with the claw and finishes with the discus punch at 3:10. Short and yet still god-awful. Kerry was just missing everything and couldn’t even hit the finisher properly. 1/2* The British Bulldog v. The Warlord Warlord pounds away to start, but Bulldog shoulderblocks him out of the ring. Back in, Bulldog with a crucifix, but Warlord drops down to counter and follows with an elbowdrop for two. Bearhug, and he drops Bulldog on the top rope for two. Belly to belly gets two. We hit the chinlock, but Bulldog elbows out and dropkicks him into the corner. Bulldog comes off the middle with a forearm, into a crossbody for two. Piledriver is countered into a backdrop, but Bulldog gets a sunset flip for two. Warlord clotheslines him down and it’s time for the Full-Nelson, but he’s no Chris Masters so Bulldog is able to power out. And since he’s had enough tonight, the powerslam finishes at 8:12. Not too shabby. **1/2 WWF World tag titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys Bret gets slugged down by Sags right away, but gets the Thesz Press and fights off both Nasties. He slingshots Sags in and starts on the arm, prompting Sags to tag out to Knobs. So Anvil comes in to match and pounds him in the corner, then hiptosses him over the top to clean house. Back in, he goes to the arm, but goes to the wrong corner. He quickly recovers and gets Bret in in for some punishment on Sags in the corner. Russian legsweep and elbow get two. However, he goes after Knobs and turns his back, which opens him up to getting clobbered from behind with a clothesline, and thus he’s the face-in-peril. Bret was also clearly the breakout star of the team at this point, and seemed bigger than the match. So Bret goes to the corner and Sags follows with a backbreaker for two. He gets a rear chinlock and Knobs stays on the back with the same. Back to Sags, who adds a neckbreaker for two. Back to the chinlock, but Bret escapes with his own neckbreaker. Knobs comes in and stays on the back, however, forcing Bret to power out. The Nasties try the Harts’ own double-whip, but Bret moves and it’s the false tag. Heel miscommunication gives us the real hot tag, however, and Anvil clotheslines everyone and gets two on Knobs. Powerslam gets two. Nasties collide again and the Hart Attack results, but Sags hits Anvil with the helmet and Knobs gets the pin and the titles at 12:01. Probably one of the best matches ever for the Nasties, although I still think a match against Money Inc. on a Coliseum video was better. This was more about Bret’s coming out party than elevating the Nasties in any meaningful way, and that’s fine. ***1/2 Blindfold match: Jake Roberts v. Rick Martel Martel was such a bland heel that even the old venerable “blinded babyface” angle turned into a bore in his hands. So the concept here is of course that both guys are hooded (and this cut of the show clearly shows that they can see through them), as they stumble around the ring for a bit before Jake gets a fluke rollup for two. Another stupid spot sees Martel putting his head down for a backdrop, but Jake just moves out of the way. Which leads to the question: Why wouldn’t you just do that all the time? The gag here is that Jake points to a location and the crowd cheers to indicate Martel’s location, Martel runs away, repeat. For amusing the crowd it’s a fine bit, but a real match it’s awful. Martel gets his hands on Jake and slams him, but misses an elbow because Jake gets up and he can’t see it. Like really, any halfway intelligent wrestler would, you know, WRESTLE his opponent to the ground rather than trying typical worked spots. Jake claps his hands to fake out Martel and then tries a takedown from behind, but Martel makes the ropes and we’re back to blindly wandering around the ring. This also brings up my biggest beef with this match: MARTEL DOESN’T CHEAT. He’s the fucking HEEL, he should be taking off his hood behind the ref’s back and then beating the shit out of Jake to get the heat. What kind of a pussy adheres to the stips? Jake tries a headlock and then falls to the floor (Bobby: “Excuse me…Martel! He’s on the floor!”) Martel follows him out and grabs a chair, but Jake drags him back in. Martel comes back with a backbreaker into the crab, but Jake escapes and finishes, thank god, with the DDT at 8:28. -**** Undertaker v. Jimmy Snuka Horrible overdub alert: Snuka’s music is replaced with generic up-tempo crap, so Fink has to redo his introduction. Really? They don’t have the rights to “Superfly” any longer? Did the guy at the beginning threaten to sue-sue-sue them? Thank you, I’ve been waiting to work that one in for like 5 years now. Anyway, Undertaker coldly puts Snuka down with the flying clothesline and drops the elbow, but that misses. Snuka fires back with chops, but tries a bodypress and lands on the floor instead. He fights back in for the apron and tries to slingshot back in, but Taker catches him and finishes with the tombstone at 4:15. And that is 1-0 for Undertaker. Can you even imagine? * (What I couldn’t imagine is a world where Snuka didn’t produce a daughter, who then grew up to be Tamina, daughter of WWE Legend Superfly Jimmy Snuka. That’s what I couldn’t imagine.) Retirement match: Randy Savage v. Ultimate Warrior Hey, isn’t that the lovely Elizabeth at ringside? More importantly, who’s her date? Man, that guy is about to get cock-blocked in the worst way. Warrior’s entrance is pretty reserved as compared to his usual, which was kind of the point. Savage goes with the cheapshot to start and pounds away, but Warrior puts him down with a shoulderblock and follows with a clothesline. Warrior chokes him down and gets an atomic drop from both ways, then tosses Savage into Sherri before slugging Savage down again. Macho gets tied in the ropes, but gets free and puts Warrior down with the hooking clothesline, then goes up with the flying bodypress, but Warrior catches him and sets him down to really egg him on. Oooo, BURN. Savage gets frustrated and tosses a chair in for the distraction, then blindsides Warrior, but Warrior calmly pounds him down and stomps a mudhole in the corner. Blind charge misses, however, and Warrior hits the floor, giving Sherri a chance to torment him. Savage follows with a flying axehandle to the floor, and sends Warrior into the post. Another shot from Sherri and they head back in for a Savage kneedrop that gets two. Warrior gets a backslide for two and Gorilla informs us “we’ve just been informed that this is the largest audience in the history of pay-per-view”. Really? In the middle of the show they got those numbers? (Obviously the Miz wasn’t headlining.) Warrior tries the flying shoulderblock, but Savage moves and gets two. That was a weak spot, actually. Savage goes to a sleeper, but Warrior fights out of it and they criss-cross into the double-clothesline. Warrior reverses a slam into the small package, but the ref is distracted by Sherri and it only gets two. Ref is bumped and Sherri gets more directly involved, but hits Savage with her shoe by mistake. Warrior goes after her, allowing Savage to get a rollup for two. Warrior slugs him down, but Savage sends him into the turnbuckles and it’s looking bad for Warrior. Slam gets two and Savage drops the big elbow, then gets really dramatic and drops FOUR MORE of them. You’d think that would do it, but it only gets two. Warrior powers up and makes the comeback with the three clotheslines and gorilla press, but the big splash only gets two. Maybe he should have done FIVE of them like Savage did. Warrior appeals to the gods for help, or maybe just the photographer in the rafters, who knows with this guy. No answer is forthcoming so he decides to walk out of the match and think it over, but Savage makes the decision for him and attacks. Savage tries to drop an axehandle onto the Warrior’s throat ala Ricky Steamboat, but he misses and splatters himself on the railing. And Warrior apparently has his message (perhaps God had voice mail and was just on another call at the time) because he heads back in and spears Savage out of the ring. Back in, second verse same as the first. One last shoulderblock and Savage is retired (with a bazillion more World titles yet to come) at 20:45. Still awesome, although the occasional goofed up spot and slightly anti-climactic ending leave it well short of perfection. ****1/2 And of course, Machiavellian Sherri attacks her former meal ticket afterwards like Lady Macbeth, leaving Elizabeth to make the unlikely save, finally getting physically involved on behalf of Savage after years of being the distraction and nothing more. And so they are reunited again and would have been the happy ending to Savage’s career, had it actually been the ending. The retirement proved to be pretty inconvenient because suddenly Savage was the #2 babyface in the promotion again and could have easily carried the belt. Anyway, I think I have dust in my eye, let’s move on… Demolition v. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao What a strangely random tag team match. Clearly this is after the intermission, which is brutal because we’re already two hours into this thing with two title matches to come. The pre-match interviews with Regis trying to interview the Japanese contingent and Trebek antagonizing Demolition are brutal. (On the Score in the segments after the commercials on this week’s RAW, Arda Ocal actually referenced those interviews as one of the dumbest moments in Wrestlemania history, and it’s hard to argue.) Speaking of brutal, “Demolition” is once again edited out, giving us Spooky Ghost Finkel. Crush attacks Kitao, but he fires back with forearms. Fuji hits him with the cane to give the Demos the advantage, but Kitao doesn’t really sell any of Smash’s goofy offense. Crush goes to the neck vice and Smash chokes him out. Kitao finally gets a random clothesline out of the corner and brings Tenryu in, but he misses an elbow off the top. Crush comes in with a backbreaker and Smash sets up for the finish, but Kitao pushes Crush off the top and Tenryu hits Smash with an enzuigiri and finishes with the powerbomb at 4:39. I don’t know WHAT they were going for here, but it probably wasn’t this. Demolition was thankfully put out to pasture as a concept after this. DUD Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman Finally, I can watch the uncut match. Another two-death match in a depressing series of them tonight. Four if you’re counting the referee and Andre. This was of course the culmination of Bobby Heenan insulting Big Bossman’s mother for months, resulting in Bossman mowing through the entire Heenan family. In hindsight, he should have won the title here. They had lots of time to put the belt back on Perfect before Bret got it anyway. Bossman’s music is overdubbed with the shitty Attitude era music, but thankfully Perfect’s theme survives. Bossman DISRESPECTS THE TOWEL and then spits on Perfect, and you know that’s not gonna stand. Bossman tosses Perfect around by the hair and then catches him with a clothesline out of the corner, as Perfect gives us his first somersault sell. Bossman tosses him to start the bumping officially . Back in, Perfect does the somersault bump out of the corner, and Bossman whips him with his belt for good measure. Perfect, however, is SMART and absorbs the punishment long enough to steal the belt, then wraps it around his fist and puts Bossman down with it. They slug it out in the corner and Perfect whips him into the turnbuckles, and then it’s a historic Gorilla moment: Mr. Perfect applies an abdominal stretch and Gorilla notes that it’s perfectly applied! That is the only time I’ve heard him fail to gripe about the foot not being hooked properly. Perfect releases and gets the necksnap, and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX, but sadly he’s wrong because Bossman reverses for two. Perfect fires back with an inverted version of the necksnap, and that’s just nasty. Perfect goes up and lands on Bossman’s boot, and Bossman posts him. Perfect bails to escape that, suckering Bossman out and into the STEEL stairs. Luckily, Andre the Giant is in the building to deal with these shenanigans, and he grabs the title belt from the timekeeper and then casually whacks Perfect with it. Perfect’s sell of that is epic. You’d think “title change” there, but no, it only gets two as the cavalry runs in for the DQ at 10:44. Much better than the edited Coliseum version, but the finish just totally fell apart because Andre was really slow in hitting his marks. But then, would YOU argue with him? ***1/4 Earthquake v. Greg Valentine Boy, that Greg Valentine face turn…what more can you say about it? Oh man, Chuck Norris interviewed at ringside many years before he became an internet meme. Quake pounds him in the corner and follows with the powerslam, but Hammer comes out of the corner with an elbow and pounds Quake down. Elbow off the middle rope and Valentine drops the Hammer, but Quake’s legs are too big for the figure-four. Another try, but Valentine gets distracted by Jimmy Hart, and Quake puts him away at 3:14. It was what it was. 1/2* The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory If you put together a “Paul Roma’s Greatest Moments” DVD, this would probably be high up on the list. Another two-death match. P&G attacks to start, but Animal powerslams Roma and the Doomsday Device finishes him at 1:00. There’s your Wrestlemania Moment, Paul. DUD Ted Dibiase v. Virgil Virgil’s inevitable slow-burn face turn was one where people had been waiting for years to see it, but once they did it they had nowhere else to go with the character. It’s a shame that UFC was still a few years away at this point, because a name change and refit into a MMA-style street fighter would have been a good gimmick direction for Virgil. The name change would have been an easy one as well, because he could be like “That was just the name you gave me!” and everyone would completely buy it. In fact, why would he continue calling himself “Virgil” after leaving Dibiase’s employ, anyway? Virgil uses the fisticuffsmanship to get Dibiase off his game to start, then slingshots him in from the apron. He clotheslines Dibiase back out again, and gets a back elbow for two in the ring. Dibiase bails and stalls, and back in he accuses Virgil of cheating to buy time. Virgil takes him down, but Dibiase gets his own drop toehold and rams him into the turnbuckles a few times. Piledriver gets two. Suplex gets two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. Virgil bails and Dibiase follows him out and beats up on the crippled Roddy Piper for good measure, because he’s AWESOME. Back in, powerslam for Virgil, but Piper uses his crutch to pull down the top rope and Dibiase is counted out at 7:35. This didn’t really go anywhere and was far eclipsed by their Summerslam match later that year. *1/2 Dibiase lays the beatdown on Virgil afterwards until Piper saves, but now Sherri changes teams and debuts as Dibiase’s new manager for a pairing that should have worked way better than it did. The storylines with Sherri siphoning off Dibiase’s millions could have written themselves. The Mountie v. Tito Santana And one last squash before the main event, just because this show wasn’t ridiculously long enough as it is. Tito gets the flying forearm right away and goes after Jimmy Hart, then hits Mountie with an atomic drop. Shock stick to the gut finishes for Mountie, however, at 1:18. DUD WWF World title: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan Hulk works the headlock to start and boots Slaughter down, but goes after Adnan and that allows Slaughter to attack with a chair. Not just any chair, but a Wrestlemania souvenir chair from the looks of it! Those hurt EXTRA, but Hulk no-sells it and they head back in. Slaughter pounds away in the corner and puts Hogan down with an elbow, then drops knees before missing an elbow. Bobby goes off on a funny run on Regis’ behalf about how he dislikes Hogan because “the men I managed never got any title shots”, which is such a ridiculously blatant lie that you have to love it. Hogan comes back and whips Slaughter around the ring, then backdrops him out of the corner. Catapult into the post and Gorilla declares that we’re seeing “The Hulkster of the 90s”. No, I’d say the Hulk of the 90s was yet to come, but kudos for trying to be timely. Corner clothesline gets two and Hulk goes AERIAL, but Slaughter catches him coming down. Hulk shakes it off and slams him, then drops the elbows before going up AGAIN. Slaughter slams him off the top to take over, and goes to work on the back. Clothesline misses by a good foot, but Hogan sells it and goes to the floor anyway. Sarge chokes him out with the TV cable, which is carrying the signal to the biggest PPV audience in the history of PPV you know, and back in Slaughter keeps pounding the back. Boston Crab, and Slaughter uses the old Arn Anderson trick of having Adnan push on his head for leverage, but Hogan makes the ropes. Slaughter stays on the back and goes up with a flying kneedrop, but Adnan actually distracts the ref while Slaughter is covering. It still gets two. Slaughter retrieves another chair and hits Hogan right in the bald spot, and we get blood from that. The REAR CHINLOCK OF DEATH seems to signal the end for Hulkamania, but much like those democracy-loving Kuwaitis, Hogan escapes the deathgrip of Iraq and makes the comeback. Big boot, legdrop, and it’s mission accomplished and Osama Bin Laden captured all in one pinfall at 20:21. Lex Luger probably would have won by countout. Gorilla declares that the war is now officially over that Hogan has won the title back. I’m sure all the soldiers in Kuwait were relieved to hear that. *** The Pulse Holy cow this show is LONG. The full version isn’t significantly different from the edited one in terms of making the show better or worse, but 3.5 hours is just way too long for a show that didn’t need junk filler like Earthquake v. Valentine and Tito Santana v. Mountie. Still kind of a forgotten and overly maligned show. Mild recommendation.
Wrestlemania Countdown: 7
8th March 2012 by Scott Keith
The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VII (2012 Scott sez: Jesus fuck, ANOTHER three-version Wrestlemania rant. Before I was married, I had so much time on my hands that I could apparently just sit around and watch the same damn shows OVER AND OVER. Actually, that’s pretty accurate, come to think of it.) – Live from Los Angeles, California and the Memorial Coliseum…oh, wait, that’s just in Vince’s dreams. It’s actually the much smaller Sports Arena. Bomb threat my ass… Original airdate: March 24, 1991 – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan, plus a host of others.– Opening match: The Rockers v. Haku & Barbarian. Yup, the Faces of Fear actually got started as a team in the WWF. Wicked move as the Rockers double-team Haku, but Barbarian runs in with a clothesline on both guys that results in a double-somersault-oversell. Cool stuff. The Rockers must not be stoned tonight. (Or, more accurately, they were getting better at hiding it.) Marty holds his own with Barbarian but gets caught in the corner and double-teamed, then stun-gunned while attempting a rana on Haku. Jannetty bumps like a madman to hold it together. A Barbarian flying headbutt misses, allowing Marty to hot tag Shawn, who does some nicely timed stuff to hold off the heels. Double dropkick on Haku and then a dropkick off the top from Marty leads to a bodypress off the top from Shawn for the pin. The Rockers could do no wrong at this point, and this is proof. *** – Kiss-ass celebrity interview segment with Regis Philbin, Marla Maples and Alex Trebek. – Kerry Von Erich v. Dino Bravo. Okay, this is just a little creepy, considering the current state of both guys. Nothing match as both guys had already outlived their usefulness to the federation, and there was a suicide watch on Kerry to boot. (No pun intended.) Bravo gets the side slam, but it only gets two. He follows with something off the second rope, but gets caught with the clawhold, and Von Erich finishes it with the discus punch, possibly the worst finisher in history. 1/4* (Hey now, there’s a long tradition of heroic muscle men winding up their punches to add maximum impact!) – The Warlord v. The British Bulldog. There was some sort of issue here that I might have cared about in 1991 but I can’t be bothered to remember it now. The match ran about 8 minutes originally and is clipped to about two here, thankfully. Warlord wears down Bulldog and gets the FULL-NELSON OF DOOM, but Bulldog breaks it and powerslams him for the pin. 1/4* – WWF World tag team title match: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys. Vince stole the Nasties from WCW a few months prior to this and I guess they wanted to justify the contracts or something. (I think “stole” is a bit strong, as WCW didn’t see much in them anyway.) This marks the end of the first phase of Bret’s WWF career. Nasties have zero heat. Jimmy Hart just happens to be wearing a motorcycle helmet. The subtlety just boggles the mind. We get a shot of Macauley Culkin in the crowd and Gorilla completely misses the significance. The Harts are just amazingly over, and they do the impossible and carry the Nasties to a watchable match here. Bret works in the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM early on. Match slows down (waaaaay down) as Sags works on Bret with a rear chinlock. Nasties blow a move, and we get the false tag to Neidhart. Sags gets nailed with the megaphone by mistake and Neidhart gets the tag for real. Nasties get demolished and Hart Attacked, but Bret gets escorted from the ring, allowing Sags to nail Neidhart with that conveniently present motorcycle helmet and win the WWF tag team titles. Better than it had any right to be. **1/2 (That helmet actually falls under the cinematic convention of establishing that the gun is present all the way in the first act of the movie and then paying it off at the end. Also known as the banana peel theory: Show the banana peel, show the banana peel, slip on the banana peel.) – Blindfold match: Rick Martel v. Jake Roberts. This one falls under “dumb ideas stolen from Kevin Sullivan”. The High Concept: Both guys are blindfolded, to symbolize Jake’s blindness at the hands of Martel. (Or from exceptionally cheap hooch. Grizzly Smith WAS a backwoods mountain man.) Jake encourages the crowd to cheer louder when he points to where Martel is. Not exactly much contact being made as they spend most of the match standing in the corners trying to figure out where the other guy is. Martel gets his hands on Jake, finally, and puts him in the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out, then gropes around long enough to find Martel and DDT him for the pin. There was maybe 5 points total where contact was made. Easily the worst-ever Wrestlemania match at –**** (I wouldn’t say “easily” in a world with Bossman v. Undertaker. I think this was written before that, though.) – Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker. Even in 91, the *Bong* got a good pop. Too bad it took another couple of years for them to figure out that turning out the lights made it even louder. This marks two years in a row that Snuka gets to be Designated Squash Victim. (More importantly, Snuka gets to be the guy who makes Undertaker 1-0) The flying clothesline gets a big pop. Undertaker manhandles Superfly with so little emotion that the fans don’t know what to make of him. Snuka slingshots into the ring, and was supposed to be caught and tombstoned, but someone messes up and UT has to put him down, then pick him up and tombstone him again. Either way, it’s an easy pin that actually gets a face pop for UT. DUD (Snuka’s Wrestlemania career may have ended here, but luckily his legacy lives on in his daughter, Tamina. Ironically, Tamina is also the daughter of WWE Legend Superfly Jimmy Snuka! And now you know the rest of the story.) – Retirement match: The Ultimate Warrior v. Randy Savage. Bobby Heenan points out that Elizabeth is sitting ringside. (Show the banana peel…) Geez, she couldn’t even get front row. Warrior wisely decides to not run to ringside. Savage takes his top off, showing that he means business. Doesn’t help, as Warrior methodically destroys Savage in a manner totally unlike him. Savage comes off the top but gets caught by Warrior, and then, in an Eddy Guerrero-like moment, Warrior simply puts him down and slaps him. Ooooo, you could get shot for doing shit like that in Mexico. Warrior paces himself nicely, slowly beating the hell out of Savage. He finally goes high-risk and misses a cross-corner charge, sending him flying out of the ring, where Sherri abuses him. Has Sherri been drinking “Ass Bulk 2000” or something? (No, but she did end up drinking booze and painkillers one time too many. Sad face.) Savage sends Warrior to the post and Sherri lays in more punishment. Warrior calmly comes back in the ring and clotheslines Savage out of his boots. Flying shouldblock misses and Savage gets two. Sleeper, and Warrior fights out, but they do the double-knockout bit. Warrior with a small package, but Sherri is distracting the ref. Savage decks Warrior from behind, bumping the ref in the process. But Sherri’s interference backfires and she knocks out Savage. Warrior chases her around, and gets cradled for two. Savage with a stun-gun and the running necksnap for two. Savage drops the big elbow! But it’s not enough, so he drops…FOUR MORE! Seriously, the guy drops five flying elbows on Warrior, just to be a dick. And it only gets two, which didn’t really matter at the time because Savage was supposed to be retiring anyway, so who cared if his move was ruined. (I have to wonder if they legitimately thought Savage was retiring at that point, because that was such a bizarre spot otherwise.) Warrior re-energizes and blitzes Savage with the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DEATH, then the Gorilla Press and splash. *That* only gets two, and now Warrior doesn’t know what to do. He has an epiphanic moment, as he talks to his hands, looking for advice. He starts to walk away from the match, but Savage jumps him from behind. (Gorilla Monsoon, normally a guy who doesn’t tolerate bullshit as an announcer, was beyond stupid here having to talk about Warrior speaking to his gods.) That’s apparently good enough an answer for Warrior, as he moves out of the way of the double-axehandle, sending Savage crashing to the steel railing. He tosses Savage back into the ring and spears Savage, which puts Savage onto the floor. He does it again, sending Savage out again. Finally he throws Savage back in one last time, hits the shoulderblock, and places a foot on his chest to win the match. Warrior’s best match ever. ****1/2 – Extra-curricular activities that lend this match it’s legendary status: Sherri is, shall we say, somewhat miffed at her money source being retired, so she takes out her frustrations on the beaten and helpless Savage. Big boos for that. And then, in one of the great moments of wrestling, Elizabeth finally takes an active role, running out of the audience to make the save and sending Sherri running. Savage wakes up and realizes what happened, then finally reconciles with Elizabeth after two years, bringing tears to every woman (and some of the men) in the arena. (Not me. Just dust in my eye from all the manly stuff I had been doing outside that day, like roping horses while smoking unfiltered Marlboros and drinking whiskey. In fact, it was probably the incredibly carcinogenic smoke that was in my eyes.) Unbelievably great booking as both Warrior and Savage go out on top with a face pop. As a symbolic gesture, Savage holds the ropes open for Liz before leaving, which is Savage’s way of apologizing for years of abuse. See, sometimes it *can* be Shakespeare, kids. Don’t ever let ’em tell you different. (Although if Vince wrote Hamlet, the hero would probably change his mind 14 times before revealing that he killed his own father and was working with Claudius all along.) – Demolition v. Genichiro Tenyru & Koji Kitao. Witness the last match for Demolition before Smash goes solo as Repo Man and Crush goes solo as Crush. No one knows or gives a shit about the Japanese faction, which makes me wonder about the point of this. Demos go for Decapitation, but Kitao pushes Crush off the top and Tenryu powerbombs Smash for the pin. This was nothing. 1/2* – Intercontinental title match: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman. (So many dead people on this show. Every time I go back and do a re-rant the list grows longer and longer. I’m only 37, I shouldn’t be watching all my childhood heroes dying before I even get to middle age.) Heenan started insulting Bossman’s mother in mid-1990, and Bossman responded by mowing down every member of Heenan’s family, leading up to a title match with Hennig. Hennig and Heenan reference Rodney King in the pre-match interview. Bossman mops up with Hennig, but he misses a charge outside the ring and hits the stairs. Heenan lays into Bossman, and Andre the Giant suddenly strides out of the dressing room to help Bossman! Well, as suddenly as Andre moved at the time. Andre grabs the title belt from ringside, and when Hennig lips him off about it, Andre casually smacks him with it, knocking him out. Bossman covers for two, and the nWo…er…Heenan Family runs in for the lame DQ. Hmm, that’s a weird ending for a show with nothing but clean pins up to that point. All standard logic pointed to Bossman winning the title here, but it didn’t happen. Still, the face went over, leaving the fans happy. ** – Earthquake v. Greg Valentine. Valentine turned face as MSG to set this up, and it ends just as briskly. Earthquake absorbs punishment from Hammer for a while and then finishes it with the Quake splash. * – The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory. The Parade O’ Squashes continues, as LOD wipes out Roma and Hercules in something like 8 seconds with the Doomsday Device. Next. DUD – Ted Dibiase v. Virgil. I assume y’all know the story here. Virgil turns on Dibiase at Royal Rumble to go face, and turns to Roddy Piper for training advice. This was just after Piper’s first hip replacement surgery, which is covered by a “motorcycle accident” story. (That doesn’t sound right to me. I think it actually was a motorcycle accident, although I could be thinking of Vince. My life is definitely easier in the age of Wikipedia, I’ll say that.) Virgil boxes with Dibiase to start, as he plays the role of a manager who is learning to wrestle, even though he really can wrestle. Dibiase gains control for a bit, then goes outside to shove the crippled Piper off his chair. Cheap but effective. Dibiase comes off the ropes and Piper hooks the ropes with the crutch, giving Virgil the countout win. I believe this was clipped. Dibiase puts Virgil out with the Million Dollar Dream and Piper limps in to make the save with his crutch, drawing Sherri out of the dressing room as Dibiase’s new manager. They destroy Piper’s knee for fun. Match is 1/2* if that. Danny Davis tries to take the crutch away from Piper and Piper lets him have it right in the nuts. EEEEEEEE-YOWCH! (Speaking as someone who spent a long stretch on crutches in my younger years, I can tell you that whacking someone in the junk with an aluminum crutch is a tremendous way to get them to never pick on you again.) – The Mountie v. Tito Santana. One last match before the main. You’d think Tito would have lost the Strike Force tights TWO YEARS after the breakup. Very quick match as Tito goes after Mountie in the ropes and Jimmy Hart gives Mountie the cattle prod to allow an easy pinfall. DUD – WWF World title match: Sgt. Slobber v. Hulk Hogan. One year after the most interesting angle of Hogan’s career (to that time, anyway), he’s back to fighting the Evil Foreign Menace. Hogan hammers on Sarge for the first 6 or 7 minutes, but Slaughter catches him coming off the top rope (!) to take control. Hogan blades after a chairshot. This is a really, really long match for Hogan. I would just like to note right now that I would give good money to see Hogan come back to the WWF and win the World title right away, then defend it at the Survivor Series. Against Bret Hart. With Vince McMahon at ringside. I think that would be enough of an apology for Bret. I’d love just to see the look on Hulk’s face after being screwed. That would be so glorious. (Of course, he DID come back to the WWF three years after I wrote that, and he DID win the World title right away, but sadly he dropped it in the ring to Undertaker.) Anyway, the usual Hogan match follows here, as Slobber puts him in the dread REAR CHINLOCK OF HIDEOUS DISCOMFORT, but Hogan fights out, rips up the Iraqi flag, hits the big boot and legdrop, and gets the WWF title for the third time. And that’s that. **1/4 The Bottom Line: This show has a bad rap for some reason, but barring the main event it’s really quite good for a WWF show. All the faces went over in the important matches, and the heels went over where it was needed to build them up. And the bad stuff was short. Recommended show. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VII (Once again, the middle portion of the rant, which I have no patience for, so probably don’t look for much here beyond a Tamina joke. The entire rant is basically the same, but with match times, so I don’t know why the fuck I bothered. These days I’m like “Oh man, can I squeeze in an hour of Wrestlemania 27 after Smackdown on Friday so I can do the whole thing before this year’s show?” and back then I’m randomly redoing perfectly cromulent rants because I had nothing else going on all day after I got home from work early in the morning.) – This is from an original Coliseum tape that I bought from a video store years ago, so it’s clipped. Fun fact: I’ve never seen the full version of this show, because they stopped showing Wrestlemania on closed-circuit after VI, and PPV didn’t come to Edmonton until Summerslam 92. This is also the last Coliseum version to be clipped, because from then on the PPV broadcast had to conform to the 2:40 standard. – Live from Los Angeles, CA. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a rotating crew of color men. – Opening match: Haku & Barbarian v. The Rockers. This was a weird time for the Rockers, because they were constantly trying to tease the breakup, but Shawn was having the best matches of his career up until that point. Common wisdom was the newly-pushed Haku & Barbarian getting the easy win here. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn and then rams him backfirst into the corner and whips him around, but Shawn escapes into a criss-cross, and gets a shoulderblock to take him down. They trade wristlocks and Haku slugs away, but Marty comes in for a double elbow…and Barbarian hits both of them with a clothesline, for a Double Jannetty Sell. They respond with a double superkick, and the heels bail. Good stuff. Back in, Barbarian chops on Marty and headbutts him down, but Marty uses speed to evade him and tries a sunset flip. Barbarian blocks it, so Marty goes up with a rana instead. That gets two. Barbarian headbutts him again and brings in Haku for more headbutts, but Marty tries another rana, which gets turned into a hotshot to turn the tide and make Marty YOUR alcoholic-in-peril. Haku with a back elbow and Barbarian adds some double-teaming, and then a press slam. He cuts off the tag by drawing Shawn in, and some shenanigans in the heel corner result. Marty & Haku collide, but Haku recovers first and stomps away. Marty takes another hard bump into the corner and Haku follows with a pair of backbreakers, and we’re clipped a bit to Barbarian going up and missing a diving headbutt. Hot tag Shawn and he hammers on Barbarian in the corner and hits Haku with a crossbody, and then follows with a neckbreaker for two. Haku goes to the eyes, but Shawn gets a sunset flip for one. It’s BONZO GONZO and Barbarian gets dumped, and the Rockers both go up with a missile dropkick from Marty to set up a high cross from Shawn that finishes at 8:40. Super hot opener, with the classic big man v. little man dynamic. ***1/4 – Kerry Von Erich v. Dino Bravo. Kerry was already nearing the end of his usefulness to the WWF at this point, less than a year into his run with them. Bravo attacks to start and dumps Kerry, and they brawl outside. Back in, Kerry comes back with an atomic drop and slugs away, but Bravo blocks the clawhold. Kerry charges and hits knee, and Bravo follows with an atomic drop and elbow for two. Bravo tries the CLUBBING FOREARMS, but Kerry fights him off, so Bravo gets the sideslam for two. Kerry comes back with the claw and finishes with the Discus Punch at 2:45. Real bad. DUD – Warlord v. The British Bulldog. They fight over a lockup and Warlord gets a quick knee, but Bulldog overpowers him and he bails. Back in, Warlord counters a crucifix with a samoan drop, and we’re obviously clipped via a rant from Slick outside. Warlord tries the full-nelson, but Bulldog fights out and finishes with the powerslam at 2:30. About a million edits here, and that’s probably for the best. DUD – WWF tag team titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys. Sags gets a cheapshot out of the corner to start and pounds away, but Bret comes back with a Thesz Press and an atomic drop on Knobs. We’re clipped to Knobs coming in and going with Anvil, slugging away in the corner and losing that battle. Hiptoss out of the corner and Neidhart sends him to the floor, and the Nasties regroup again. Back in, Neidhart works the arm, but gets caught in the heel corner and Sags pounds him with forearms, until Neidhart brings Bret back in. Bret fires away in the corner on Sags and gets the legsweep, setting up the second-rope elbow for two. Knobs sneaks in and catches him with a clothesline from the back to turn the tide, however, and Bret gets dumped. Back in, Sags whips Bret around and gets a backbreaker for two. Sags goes to a rear chinlock, but Bret has a nice reversal into a neckbreaker. He tries for the tag, but Knobs draws Neidhart in, thus cutting it off, and goes back to the rear chinlock on Bret. Bret powers out to escape, and again they sucker Anvil in, but their double-team backfires, as Sags whips Knobs into the corner and Bret makes…a false tag to Anvil. The megaphone gets involved, but Knobs hits Sags by mistake, hot tag Neidhart. He cleans house and clotheslines both Nasties, and elbows Knobs down for two. Powerslam gets two. Bret comes in and it’s BONZO GONZO, as he chases Sags around, and into a collision with Knobs. The Harts get the Hart Attack on Knobs, but the ref escorts Bret out, and a helmet to the head of Anvil finishes at 8:55 and we have new champions. Solid stuff with all the tag team formula spots, although about 5 minutes was missing so the full version might have been better or worse, hard to say. *** – Blindfold match: Jake Roberts v. Rick Martel. This is a legendary match, for all the wrong reasons, as Martel blinded Jake to set it up. Maybe it was just the cheap rotgut he was drinking at the time? (Oh wait, I see I already made the joke that I inserted into the first rant. Whoops.) So yeah, both guys are wearing hoods, which they can obviously see through in reality. The idea is that Jake points to where Martel is, and the crowd cheers to lead him on. They wander around the ring and Jake trips Martel up for two. Martel pounds him on the mat and tries a backdrop, but Jake just moves out of the way. Now, why wouldn’t someone do that all the time? Talk about exposing the inherent logic gaps of the business. They bump into each other again, but they can’t find each other. Nothing like non-contact to spice up a match. Martel finally gets a slam, but Jake just stands up to dodge an elbowdrop. Martel accidentally gropes Damian and retreats to the other corner. Jake finally finds him and grabs a headlock, but Martel dumps him. Martel follows like an idiot and grabs a chair, but of course can’t find him. Back in, Martel gets a backbreaker and the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out. Martel is dazed, DDT, goodnight at 6:09. There’s a reason why you don’t see many blindfold matches…well…ever, really. -*** – Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker. Despite still being a heel, the pop Undertaker gets for the opening “bong” is pretty impressive. Callaway had the character down cold from day one. Snuka charges to start and gets hammered in the corner as a result. Taker chokes away and gets the flying clothesline, and then fights off a charge with a knee that sends Snuka to the floor. Suplex back in, but an elbow misses. Snuka tries to fight back with a headbutt, but misses a crossbody attempt and splats on the floor. Back in, Taker finishes with the tombstone at 4:18. The only purpose was to make Taker look like a killer, and that’s what it did. ½* (Not as much of an (alleged) killer as Snuka, but at least Taker could remember this the next morning. Oh yeah, Tamina something something Jimmy Snuka.) – Retirement match: Ultimate Warrior v. Randy Savage. In retrospect, the wrong guy went over. Thankfully, Warrior WALKS to the ring for once, conserving energy instead of blowing up in the first 30 seconds. They fight over a lockup to start and Savage actually gives a clean break, but Warrior powers him down. Savage knees him and goes to the eyes to gain the advantage, but Warrior overpowers him again and he bails. Back in, Warrior clotheslines him and gets a two-handed choke, into an atomic drop, both ways. See, Warrior can mix up the moveset when he needed to. Sherri tries running in, so Warrior tosses Savage into her and slugs Savage down. Savage gets tied in the ropes and Warrior stomps on him, then puts his head down and Savage hits him with the clothesline and goes up. Crossbody (!?) is caught by Warrior, but he just puts him down and slaps him. OOOOOOOO. Savage bails and tosses a chair in to distract the ref, then attacks Warrior from behind, but that gets him nowhere. This is cool because it’s about Savage losing his temper and Warrior not acting like a maniac for once, because it’s so important to him. Warrior stomps a mudhole in the corner and slugs Savage down, but misses a blind charge, his first high-impact offensive attempt, and Sherri gives him a shot on the floor. Savage follows with an axehandle to the floor, but Warrior shoves Sherri away, which again allows Savage to attack him. Again, when Warrior stays calm he’s in control, but when he loses it Savage takes over. Back in, Savage drops a knee for two. Gorilla then makes a ridiculous statement, that it’s the “largest audience in the history of PPV”, like they would know the buyrate an hour into the show. Warrior gets a backslide for two and Savage takes a powder, but Warrior catches him coming in with a clothesline. He misses the shoulderblock, however, and Savage gets two. We hit the chinlock and Warrior powers out, and they criss-cross into a double-clothesline, and both are out. Sherri distracts the ref while Warrior cradles Savage, and that gets two. Warrior loses his temper again and the ref gets bumped as a result, after a botched editing job, and Sherri goes in, hitting Savage with her shoe by mistake. Warrior goes after her again, again making a dumb mistake, and Savage rolls him up for two. Warrior slugs him down, but Savage sends him into the turnbuckle and necksnaps him. Another necksnap on the top and Savage clubs him down, slamming him for two. He goes up with the flying elbow, and then since it’s a special occasion, drops four more. You’d THINK would be enough to beat him, but it only gets two. Given that Savage was going to come back, they shouldn’t have done that, but it didn’t hurt the move in the long run, since Savage would start pinning guys with it again anyway. Warrior fights up, however, and slugs Savage down, setting up the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DOOM and the gorilla press. Unlike the year before, he has enough strength left to actually pull it off correctly this time. The splash…gets two. The crowd is a little shocked by that. Warrior gets all freaked out and talks to his hands (maybe Jake slipped him a little something before the match?) and apparently the answer is to walk away from the match, which allows Savage to recover. Savage knocks him off the apron and puts him on the railing, but misses the flying axehandle and knocks himself silly. And now it’s the big comeback for Warrior, as he tosses Savage back into the ring, hits him with three shoulderblocks, and ends his career (well, forever IS a short time in wrestling) at 20:47. Easily Warrior’s best match ever, and one of my personal favorites of all-time, as Warrior paced himself and they delivered a great storyline and Savage worked his ass off. ****1/2 This is THE reason to see this show. – And then of course the big angle which followed, as Sherri turned on the fallen Savage and beat on him, drawing Elizabeth out of the crowd to make the save and thus reunite with Savage and turn him into the #1 babyface in the promotion, moments after his “retirement”. It still works, no matter how many times, and they’d be well advised to try the same thing with Trish and Jericho on Sunday. (Quite the opposite happened, as Trish actually turned on Jericho and somehow boosted her career into another gear as a result. Oh man was Evil Trish HOT.) Unfortunately, Savage’s descent into dementia in the real world and Elizabeth’s ugly end while shacked up with Lex Luger would mean that the storybook romance wouldn’t have a happy ending, but sometimes it’s nice to remember when it MIGHT have. (How is it fair that ULTIMATE WARRIOR is the only guy left alive out of this match?) – Demolition v. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao. This is the Bryan Adams version of Demolition. Crush starts with Kitao, but gets kneed and hammered on the ropes. Mr. Fuji hits him with the cane for good measure, and Smash comes in, but Kitao brings Tenryu in, a young and spry 40 or so at that point, and he goes up with the elbow, but misses. Crush gets a backbreaker and Smash gets a backdrop suplex to set up Decapitation, but Kitao breaks it up. Crush goes back up, but gets shoved off again, and Tenryu hits Smash with an enzuigiri and powerbombs him for the pin at 2:50. No idea what the point of this was, but it sure sucked. Crush & Smash went their separate ways after this. DUD – Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman. This was the blowoff of the lengthy Bossman v. Heenan feud, with Bobby insulting Bossman’s mama for months, and Bossman running through the entire Heenan family to get revenge. Standard logic had Bossman going over to finish the job here. Gorilla again repeats the nonsense about the largest PPV audience. (But was it trending on Twitter?) Just to clarify, VI did a 3.8 buyrate, and this one did 2.8. They exchange slaps to start and Perfect does a spinning sell of one, and Bossman gives him a hairtoss. He slugs Perfect into the corner and gets a clothesline that Perfect oversells with zeal, and then tosses Perfect to the floor. Back in, another shot puts Perfect over the top again. Bossman goes after the Brain, however, and that allows Perfect to send him into the stairs. However, Andre the Giant heads out to even things up. In the ring, Perfect hammers on Bossman, while Andre grabs the IC title. Perfect rams Bossman into an exposed turnbuckle and goes after Andre, and gets the belt in the face for his troubles. Bossman comes back and gets two, and Haku & Barbarian run in for the DQ at 4:35. This didn’t get going at all, which is a shame because Bossman was on a killer run at the time. * – Earthquake v. Greg Valentine. Valentine had turned face by means which I don’t remember or care about. Quake attacks him in the corner and powerslams him for two. Blind charge misses and Hammer starts chopping and elbowing. Earthquake finally goes down and Valentine drops another elbow to set up the figure-four, but let’s face it, that’s pretty stupid. Jimmy Hart distracts him and Quake finishes with the butt splash at 3:14. ½* – The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory. The pre-match interview is longer and more entertaining than the match, as the LOD storm in, dispose of Hercules, and finish Paul Roma with the Doomsday Device at 0:55. This ended the usefulness of Power & Glory as a heel team, which was kind of a shame because they were really over and basically being used better than they had been in years. DUD (On the other hand, fuck Paul Roma.) – Ted Dibiase v. Virgil. Roddy Piper was “training” Virgil to build up to this and was in his corner, but had a motorcycle accident and thus he was on crutches. Virgil starts punching and Dibiase goes down, and bails. Back in, Virgil takes him down, so Dibiase responds with a drop toehold and chops him in the corner. Back elbow and gutwrench suplex get two. Dibiase tosses him and then shoves Piper down, and back in powerslams Virgil. Piper pulls down the ropes, however, and Dibiase is counted out at 4:36. Barely a match. ¼* Sherri makes her return, now aligned with Dibiase – The Mountie v. Tito Santana. Quick squash for the Mountie before the main event, as Tito gets a quick flying forearm, only to be shocked with the tazer and pinned at 1:19. DUD – WWF title match: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan. It’s weird, because even six years earlier this would have been quite the dream match. They fight over the lockup to start, and Hogan powers him down. The show may have bombed, but the heat is huge. Hogan grabs a headlock and overpowers him again. They brawl outside and Hogan goes after Adnan, which allows Slaughter to hit him with a chair. Hogan no-sells that and tosses him back in, but Slaughter goes to the eyes and slugs away. Back elbow and Slaughter drops some knees to work on the neck, but misses an elbow. Hogan comes back with a clothesline and goes after Adnan, then hits Slaughter with an elbow in the corner. Atomic drop gets two. They brawl outside again and back in, where Hogan gets the Axe Bomber for two. He sends Slaughter into the post and backdrops him out of the corner, then whips him into the corner again. High knee into the corner and Hogan catapults him into the post , as the ringpost proves to be a more effective worker than Hogan. Hogan follows him into the corner with a clothesline and fires away with punches, then back into the other turnbuckle again for two. Hotshot and elbows, and Hogan GOES UP? Adnan trips him up and Slaughter slams him off, and they brawl outside, where Slaughter chokes him out with a cable. Back in, he goes to work on the back and gets a backbreaker for two. He keeps stomping on the back and goes into a Boston crab, using Adnan for extra leverage. Hogan makes the ropes. Back to the back, as he drops knees on it and comes off the top with a knee for two. Weird spot as Adnan stupidly distracts the ref while Slaughter had a clear pinfall on Hogan. Slaughter hits Hogan with a chair, drawing blood, and I assume THAT’S where Adnan was supposed to be distracting the ref. Short clothesline sets up the camel clutch, and only in THIS storyline could a rear chinlock be a deadly finishing move. At least it made sense within the context of the match, and Slaughter’s abuse of the back. Hogan powers out of it like in 1984 against Sheik, but Slaughter apparently saw that match and reverses him into the corner. He covers Hogan with the flag and gets two, and it’s Hulk Up Time. Hogan rips up the flag, which is actually a huge breach of international etiquette, and it’s punch punch punch big boot legdrop and he’s a 3-time champion at 20:23. This was actually quite good for a Hogan match, with Slaughter bumping a lot and carrying the pace and psychology. ***1/2 Taken out of the context of the horrible storyline and tasteless buildup to the match, it’s actually a fine main event. The Bottom Line: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: This show gets a MAJOR bad rap, as there’s four ***+ matches and one genuine classic in Warrior-Savage. Sure, the rest is junk, but the crowd was really hot and the main event delivered, so I think it’s a worthwhile show. Mildly recommended. The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania VII – Yeah, this is a kind of a random choice, I know, but I’ve been meaning to do the full Anthology version of the show for months now and this is as good a night as any. Since we didn’t have PPV in Edmonton at the time, this is the first time I’ve ever seen anything besides the heavily edited Coliseum version of this show. – Live from the Los Angeles Coliseum LA Sports Arena – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a rotating cast of color commentators, mainly Bobby Heenan. First up is Hacksaw Duggan, introduced with entrance music dubbed over where he had none previously. I don’t get that. – This show, much like Summerslam 93 (upcoming as soon as the Summerslam Anthology gets here from Amazon), is draped in cynical patriotic fervor from the WWF in hopes of drawing a buyrate on the back of the first Iraq war. It didn’t work. The Rockers v. Haku & The Barbarian FACES OF FEAR~! Odd choice for an opener, as Haku & Barbarian had no backstory together other than being members of the Heenan Family. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn to start and runs him into the corner, but they criss-cross and Shawn takes him down with a shoulder tackle for one. The Rockers double-team with a hiptoss into a double elbow, but Barbarian DESTROYS them with a clothesline for a rare double 180 somersault sell by the Rockers. Truly a special night. Rockers regroup with a double superkick to put Barbarian on the floor, and the heels get some advice from Heenan. Normally I’d have a joke here, but you’ll have to insert your own tonight. (OK, here’s mine: Don’t ask Marty to pee in the cup for you.) Back in, Barbarian hammers Marty on the apron, but gets caught with a sunset flip that gets two. Marty tries working the arm, but a double headbutt flattens him. Marty tries a rana, but Barbarian drops him on the top rope and Jannetty is YOUR face in peril. Haku elbows him down for another somersault sell, and Barbarian gets a press slam and draws Shawn in with a cheapshot. Haku and Marty collide and Marty gets two. That was clearly a blown spot, but they worked through it. Haku gets a pair of nasty backbreakers and Barbarian gets two. Clothesline and bearhug follow, and Barbarian whips Marty into the corner to work the back. Marty comes out of there with a flying clothesline, but Barbarian catches him in mid-air with a powerslam. Good spot. Barbarian goes up for the diving headbutt, but it misses, and it’s hot tag Shawn. Back elbow for Haku and he slugs away on both heels, and a neckbreaker on Haku gets two. Sunset flip gets two. They double-dropkick Barbarian out of the ring and finish Haku with a Marty missile dropkick into Shawn’s flying bodypress at 10:33. Great opener, as the Rockers were peaking as a team just before they self-destructed. ***1/2 Meanwhile, Mean Gene interviews Regis Philbin, Alex Trebek and Marla Maples. One of these things does not have the same cultural status she did in 1991. Dino Bravo v. Kerry Von Erich Now here’s a depressing match for you. Both guys were rapidly on the way down the slippery slope as it was, and of course it ended badly for both. Bravo hammers away before Tornado can get his robe off, but he makes the comeback and they slug it out in the corner. That goes nowhere and Bravo gets a cheapshot, then drops an elbow for two. Side slam gets two. Bravo comes off the middle rope with a forearm shot that literally misses by a foot, but Kerry comes back with the claw and finishes with the discus punch at 3:10. Short and yet still god-awful. Kerry was just missing everything and couldn’t even hit the finisher properly. 1/2* The British Bulldog v. The Warlord Warlord pounds away to start, but Bulldog shoulderblocks him out of the ring. Back in, Bulldog with a crucifix, but Warlord drops down to counter and follows with an elbowdrop for two. Bearhug, and he drops Bulldog on the top rope for two. Belly to belly gets two. We hit the chinlock, but Bulldog elbows out and dropkicks him into the corner. Bulldog comes off the middle with a forearm, into a crossbody for two. Piledriver is countered into a backdrop, but Bulldog gets a sunset flip for two. Warlord clotheslines him down and it’s time for the Full-Nelson, but he’s no Chris Masters so Bulldog is able to power out. And since he’s had enough tonight, the powerslam finishes at 8:12. Not too shabby. **1/2 WWF World tag titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys Bret gets slugged down by Sags right away, but gets the Thesz Press and fights off both Nasties. He slingshots Sags in and starts on the arm, prompting Sags to tag out to Knobs. So Anvil comes in to match and pounds him in the corner, then hiptosses him over the top to clean house. Back in, he goes to the arm, but goes to the wrong corner. He quickly recovers and gets Bret in in for some punishment on Sags in the corner. Russian legsweep and elbow get two. However, he goes after Knobs and turns his back, which opens him up to getting clobbered from behind with a clothesline, and thus he’s the face-in-peril. Bret was also clearly the breakout star of the team at this point, and seemed bigger than the match. So Bret goes to the corner and Sags follows with a backbreaker for two. He gets a rear chinlock and Knobs stays on the back with the same. Back to Sags, who adds a neckbreaker for two. Back to the chinlock, but Bret escapes with his own neckbreaker. Knobs comes in and stays on the back, however, forcing Bret to power out. The Nasties try the Harts’ own double-whip, but Bret moves and it’s the false tag. Heel miscommunication gives us the real hot tag, however, and Anvil clotheslines everyone and gets two on Knobs. Powerslam gets two. Nasties collide again and the Hart Attack results, but Sags hits Anvil with the helmet and Knobs gets the pin and the titles at 12:01. Probably one of the best matches ever for the Nasties, although I still think a match against Money Inc. on a Coliseum video was better. This was more about Bret’s coming out party than elevating the Nasties in any meaningful way, and that’s fine. ***1/2 Blindfold match: Jake Roberts v. Rick Martel Martel was such a bland heel that even the old venerable “blinded babyface” angle turned into a bore in his hands. So the concept here is of course that both guys are hooded (and this cut of the show clearly shows that they can see through them), as they stumble around the ring for a bit before Jake gets a fluke rollup for two. Another stupid spot sees Martel putting his head down for a backdrop, but Jake just moves out of the way. Which leads to the question: Why wouldn’t you just do that all the time? The gag here is that Jake points to a location and the crowd cheers to indicate Martel’s location, Martel runs away, repeat. For amusing the crowd it’s a fine bit, but a real match it’s awful. Martel gets his hands on Jake and slams him, but misses an elbow because Jake gets up and he can’t see it. Like really, any halfway intelligent wrestler would, you know, WRESTLE his opponent to the ground rather than trying typical worked spots. Jake claps his hands to fake out Martel and then tries a takedown from behind, but Martel makes the ropes and we’re back to blindly wandering around the ring. This also brings up my biggest beef with this match: MARTEL DOESN’T CHEAT. He’s the fucking HEEL, he should be taking off his hood behind the ref’s back and then beating the shit out of Jake to get the heat. What kind of a pussy adheres to the stips? Jake tries a headlock and then falls to the floor (Bobby: “Excuse me…Martel! He’s on the floor!”) Martel follows him out and grabs a chair, but Jake drags him back in. Martel comes back with a backbreaker into the crab, but Jake escapes and finishes, thank god, with the DDT at 8:28. -**** Undertaker v. Jimmy Snuka Horrible overdub alert: Snuka’s music is replaced with generic up-tempo crap, so Fink has to redo his introduction. Really? They don’t have the rights to “Superfly” any longer? Did the guy at the beginning threaten to sue-sue-sue them? Thank you, I’ve been waiting to work that one in for like 5 years now. Anyway, Undertaker coldly puts Snuka down with the flying clothesline and drops the elbow, but that misses. Snuka fires back with chops, but tries a bodypress and lands on the floor instead. He fights back in for the apron and tries to slingshot back in, but Taker catches him and finishes with the tombstone at 4:15. And that is 1-0 for Undertaker. Can you even imagine? * (What I couldn’t imagine is a world where Snuka didn’t produce a daughter, who then grew up to be Tamina, daughter of WWE Legend Superfly Jimmy Snuka. That’s what I couldn’t imagine.) Retirement match: Randy Savage v. Ultimate Warrior Hey, isn’t that the lovely Elizabeth at ringside? More importantly, who’s her date? Man, that guy is about to get cock-blocked in the worst way. Warrior’s entrance is pretty reserved as compared to his usual, which was kind of the point. Savage goes with the cheapshot to start and pounds away, but Warrior puts him down with a shoulderblock and follows with a clothesline. Warrior chokes him down and gets an atomic drop from both ways, then tosses Savage into Sherri before slugging Savage down again. Macho gets tied in the ropes, but gets free and puts Warrior down with the hooking clothesline, then goes up with the flying bodypress, but Warrior catches him and sets him down to really egg him on. Oooo, BURN. Savage gets frustrated and tosses a chair in for the distraction, then blindsides Warrior, but Warrior calmly pounds him down and stomps a mudhole in the corner. Blind charge misses, however, and Warrior hits the floor, giving Sherri a chance to torment him. Savage follows with a flying axehandle to the floor, and sends Warrior into the post. Another shot from Sherri and they head back in for a Savage kneedrop that gets two. Warrior gets a backslide for two and Gorilla informs us “we’ve just been informed that this is the largest audience in the history of pay-per-view”. Really? In the middle of the show they got those numbers? (Obviously the Miz wasn’t headlining.) Warrior tries the flying shoulderblock, but Savage moves and gets two. That was a weak spot, actually. Savage goes to a sleeper, but Warrior fights out of it and they criss-cross into the double-clothesline. Warrior reverses a slam into the small package, but the ref is distracted by Sherri and it only gets two. Ref is bumped and Sherri gets more directly involved, but hits Savage with her shoe by mistake. Warrior goes after her, allowing Savage to get a rollup for two. Warrior slugs him down, but Savage sends him into the turnbuckles and it’s looking bad for Warrior. Slam gets two and Savage drops the big elbow, then gets really dramatic and drops FOUR MORE of them. You’d think that would do it, but it only gets two. Warrior powers up and makes the comeback with the three clotheslines and gorilla press, but the big splash only gets two. Maybe he should have done FIVE of them like Savage did. Warrior appeals to the gods for help, or maybe just the photographer in the rafters, who knows with this guy. No answer is forthcoming so he decides to walk out of the match and think it over, but Savage makes the decision for him and attacks. Savage tries to drop an axehandle onto the Warrior’s throat ala Ricky Steamboat, but he misses and splatters himself on the railing. And Warrior apparently has his message (perhaps God had voice mail and was just on another call at the time) because he heads back in and spears Savage out of the ring. Back in, second verse same as the first. One last shoulderblock and Savage is retired (with a bazillion more World titles yet to come) at 20:45. Still awesome, although the occasional goofed up spot and slightly anti-climactic ending leave it well short of perfection. ****1/2 And of course, Machiavellian Sherri attacks her former meal ticket afterwards like Lady Macbeth, leaving Elizabeth to make the unlikely save, finally getting physically involved on behalf of Savage after years of being the distraction and nothing more. And so they are reunited again and would have been the happy ending to Savage’s career, had it actually been the ending. The retirement proved to be pretty inconvenient because suddenly Savage was the #2 babyface in the promotion again and could have easily carried the belt. Anyway, I think I have dust in my eye, let’s move on… Demolition v. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao What a strangely random tag team match. Clearly this is after the intermission, which is brutal because we’re already two hours into this thing with two title matches to come. The pre-match interviews with Regis trying to interview the Japanese contingent and Trebek antagonizing Demolition are brutal. (On the Score in the segments after the commercials on this week’s RAW, Arda Ocal actually referenced those interviews as one of the dumbest moments in Wrestlemania history, and it’s hard to argue.) Speaking of brutal, “Demolition” is once again edited out, giving us Spooky Ghost Finkel. Crush attacks Kitao, but he fires back with forearms. Fuji hits him with the cane to give the Demos the advantage, but Kitao doesn’t really sell any of Smash’s goofy offense. Crush goes to the neck vice and Smash chokes him out. Kitao finally gets a random clothesline out of the corner and brings Tenryu in, but he misses an elbow off the top. Crush comes in with a backbreaker and Smash sets up for the finish, but Kitao pushes Crush off the top and Tenryu hits Smash with an enzuigiri and finishes with the powerbomb at 4:39. I don’t know WHAT they were going for here, but it probably wasn’t this. Demolition was thankfully put out to pasture as a concept after this. DUD Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman Finally, I can watch the uncut match. Another two-death match in a depressing series of them tonight. Four if you’re counting the referee and Andre. This was of course the culmination of Bobby Heenan insulting Big Bossman’s mother for months, resulting in Bossman mowing through the entire Heenan family. In hindsight, he should have won the title here. They had lots of time to put the belt back on Perfect before Bret got it anyway. Bossman’s music is overdubbed with the shitty Attitude era music, but thankfully Perfect’s theme survives. Bossman DISRESPECTS THE TOWEL and then spits on Perfect, and you know that’s not gonna stand. Bossman tosses Perfect around by the hair and then catches him with a clothesline out of the corner, as Perfect gives us his first somersault sell. Bossman tosses him to start the bumping officially . Back in, Perfect does the somersault bump out of the corner, and Bossman whips him with his belt for good measure. Perfect, however, is SMART and absorbs the punishment long enough to steal the belt, then wraps it around his fist and puts Bossman down with it. They slug it out in the corner and Perfect whips him into the turnbuckles, and then it’s a historic Gorilla moment: Mr. Perfect applies an abdominal stretch and Gorilla notes that it’s perfectly applied! That is the only time I’ve heard him fail to gripe about the foot not being hooked properly. Perfect releases and gets the necksnap, and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX, but sadly he’s wrong because Bossman reverses for two. Perfect fires back with an inverted version of the necksnap, and that’s just nasty. Perfect goes up and lands on Bossman’s boot, and Bossman posts him. Perfect bails to escape that, suckering Bossman out and into the STEEL stairs. Luckily, Andre the Giant is in the building to deal with these shenanigans, and he grabs the title belt from the timekeeper and then casually whacks Perfect with it. Perfect’s sell of that is epic. You’d think “title change” there, but no, it only gets two as the cavalry runs in for the DQ at 10:44. Much better than the edited Coliseum version, but the finish just totally fell apart because Andre was really slow in hitting his marks. But then, would YOU argue with him? ***1/4 Earthquake v. Greg Valentine Boy, that Greg Valentine face turn…what more can you say about it? Oh man, Chuck Norris interviewed at ringside many years before he became an internet meme. Quake pounds him in the corner and follows with the powerslam, but Hammer comes out of the corner with an elbow and pounds Quake down. Elbow off the middle rope and Valentine drops the Hammer, but Quake’s legs are too big for the figure-four. Another try, but Valentine gets distracted by Jimmy Hart, and Quake puts him away at 3:14. It was what it was. 1/2* The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory If you put together a “Paul Roma’s Greatest Moments” DVD, this would probably be high up on the list. Another two-death match. P&G attacks to start, but Animal powerslams Roma and the Doomsday Device finishes him at 1:00. There’s your Wrestlemania Moment, Paul. DUD Ted Dibiase v. Virgil Virgil’s inevitable slow-burn face turn was one where people had been waiting for years to see it, but once they did it they had nowhere else to go with the character. It’s a shame that UFC was still a few years away at this point, because a name change and refit into a MMA-style street fighter would have been a good gimmick direction for Virgil. The name change would have been an easy one as well, because he could be like “That was just the name you gave me!” and everyone would completely buy it. In fact, why would he continue calling himself “Virgil” after leaving Dibiase’s employ, anyway? Virgil uses the fisticuffsmanship to get Dibiase off his game to start, then slingshots him in from the apron. He clotheslines Dibiase back out again, and gets a back elbow for two in the ring. Dibiase bails and stalls, and back in he accuses Virgil of cheating to buy time. Virgil takes him down, but Dibiase gets his own drop toehold and rams him into the turnbuckles a few times. Piledriver gets two. Suplex gets two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. Virgil bails and Dibiase follows him out and beats up on the crippled Roddy Piper for good measure, because he’s AWESOME. Back in, powerslam for Virgil, but Piper uses his crutch to pull down the top rope and Dibiase is counted out at 7:35. This didn’t really go anywhere and was far eclipsed by their Summerslam match later that year. *1/2 Dibiase lays the beatdown on Virgil afterwards until Piper saves, but now Sherri changes teams and debuts as Dibiase’s new manager for a pairing that should have worked way better than it did. The storylines with Sherri siphoning off Dibiase’s millions could have written themselves. The Mountie v. Tito Santana And one last squash before the main event, just because this show wasn’t ridiculously long enough as it is. Tito gets the flying forearm right away and goes after Jimmy Hart, then hits Mountie with an atomic drop. Shock stick to the gut finishes for Mountie, however, at 1:18. DUD WWF World title: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan Hulk works the headlock to start and boots Slaughter down, but goes after Adnan and that allows Slaughter to attack with a chair. Not just any chair, but a Wrestlemania souvenir chair from the looks of it! Those hurt EXTRA, but Hulk no-sells it and they head back in. Slaughter pounds away in the corner and puts Hogan down with an elbow, then drops knees before missing an elbow. Bobby goes off on a funny run on Regis’ behalf about how he dislikes Hogan because “the men I managed never got any title shots”, which is such a ridiculously blatant lie that you have to love it. Hogan comes back and whips Slaughter around the ring, then backdrops him out of the corner. Catapult into the post and Gorilla declares that we’re seeing “The Hulkster of the 90s”. No, I’d say the Hulk of the 90s was yet to come, but kudos for trying to be timely. Corner clothesline gets two and Hulk goes AERIAL, but Slaughter catches him coming down. Hulk shakes it off and slams him, then drops the elbows before going up AGAIN. Slaughter slams him off the top to take over, and goes to work on the back. Clothesline misses by a good foot, but Hogan sells it and goes to the floor anyway. Sarge chokes him out with the TV cable, which is carrying the signal to the biggest PPV audience in the history of PPV you know, and back in Slaughter keeps pounding the back. Boston Crab, and Slaughter uses the old Arn Anderson trick of having Adnan push on his head for leverage, but Hogan makes the ropes. Slaughter stays on the back and goes up with a flying kneedrop, but Adnan actually distracts the ref while Slaughter is covering. It still gets two. Slaughter retrieves another chair and hits Hogan right in the bald spot, and we get blood from that. The REAR CHINLOCK OF DEATH seems to signal the end for Hulkamania, but much like those democracy-loving Kuwaitis, Hogan escapes the deathgrip of Iraq and makes the comeback. Big boot, legdrop, and it’s mission accomplished and Osama Bin Laden captured all in one pinfall at 20:21. Lex Luger probably would have won by countout. Gorilla declares that the war is now officially over that Hogan has won the title back. I’m sure all the soldiers in Kuwait were relieved to hear that. *** The Pulse Holy cow this show is LONG. The full version isn’t significantly different from the edited one in terms of making the show better or worse, but 3.5 hours is just way too long for a show that didn’t need junk filler like Earthquake v. Valentine and Tito Santana v. Mountie. Still kind of a forgotten and overly maligned show. Mild recommendation.
Wrestlemania Countdown: 7
8th March 2012 by Scott Keith
The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VII (2012 Scott sez: Jesus fuck, ANOTHER three-version Wrestlemania rant. Before I was married, I had so much time on my hands that I could apparently just sit around and watch the same damn shows OVER AND OVER. Actually, that’s pretty accurate, come to think of it.) – Live from Los Angeles, California and the Memorial Coliseum…oh, wait, that’s just in Vince’s dreams. It’s actually the much smaller Sports Arena. Bomb threat my ass… Original airdate: March 24, 1991 – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan, plus a host of others.– Opening match: The Rockers v. Haku & Barbarian. Yup, the Faces of Fear actually got started as a team in the WWF. Wicked move as the Rockers double-team Haku, but Barbarian runs in with a clothesline on both guys that results in a double-somersault-oversell. Cool stuff. The Rockers must not be stoned tonight. (Or, more accurately, they were getting better at hiding it.) Marty holds his own with Barbarian but gets caught in the corner and double-teamed, then stun-gunned while attempting a rana on Haku. Jannetty bumps like a madman to hold it together. A Barbarian flying headbutt misses, allowing Marty to hot tag Shawn, who does some nicely timed stuff to hold off the heels. Double dropkick on Haku and then a dropkick off the top from Marty leads to a bodypress off the top from Shawn for the pin. The Rockers could do no wrong at this point, and this is proof. *** – Kiss-ass celebrity interview segment with Regis Philbin, Marla Maples and Alex Trebek. – Kerry Von Erich v. Dino Bravo. Okay, this is just a little creepy, considering the current state of both guys. Nothing match as both guys had already outlived their usefulness to the federation, and there was a suicide watch on Kerry to boot. (No pun intended.) Bravo gets the side slam, but it only gets two. He follows with something off the second rope, but gets caught with the clawhold, and Von Erich finishes it with the discus punch, possibly the worst finisher in history. 1/4* (Hey now, there’s a long tradition of heroic muscle men winding up their punches to add maximum impact!) – The Warlord v. The British Bulldog. There was some sort of issue here that I might have cared about in 1991 but I can’t be bothered to remember it now. The match ran about 8 minutes originally and is clipped to about two here, thankfully. Warlord wears down Bulldog and gets the FULL-NELSON OF DOOM, but Bulldog breaks it and powerslams him for the pin. 1/4* – WWF World tag team title match: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys. Vince stole the Nasties from WCW a few months prior to this and I guess they wanted to justify the contracts or something. (I think “stole” is a bit strong, as WCW didn’t see much in them anyway.) This marks the end of the first phase of Bret’s WWF career. Nasties have zero heat. Jimmy Hart just happens to be wearing a motorcycle helmet. The subtlety just boggles the mind. We get a shot of Macauley Culkin in the crowd and Gorilla completely misses the significance. The Harts are just amazingly over, and they do the impossible and carry the Nasties to a watchable match here. Bret works in the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM early on. Match slows down (waaaaay down) as Sags works on Bret with a rear chinlock. Nasties blow a move, and we get the false tag to Neidhart. Sags gets nailed with the megaphone by mistake and Neidhart gets the tag for real. Nasties get demolished and Hart Attacked, but Bret gets escorted from the ring, allowing Sags to nail Neidhart with that conveniently present motorcycle helmet and win the WWF tag team titles. Better than it had any right to be. **1/2 (That helmet actually falls under the cinematic convention of establishing that the gun is present all the way in the first act of the movie and then paying it off at the end. Also known as the banana peel theory: Show the banana peel, show the banana peel, slip on the banana peel.) – Blindfold match: Rick Martel v. Jake Roberts. This one falls under “dumb ideas stolen from Kevin Sullivan”. The High Concept: Both guys are blindfolded, to symbolize Jake’s blindness at the hands of Martel. (Or from exceptionally cheap hooch. Grizzly Smith WAS a backwoods mountain man.) Jake encourages the crowd to cheer louder when he points to where Martel is. Not exactly much contact being made as they spend most of the match standing in the corners trying to figure out where the other guy is. Martel gets his hands on Jake, finally, and puts him in the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out, then gropes around long enough to find Martel and DDT him for the pin. There was maybe 5 points total where contact was made. Easily the worst-ever Wrestlemania match at –**** (I wouldn’t say “easily” in a world with Bossman v. Undertaker. I think this was written before that, though.) – Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker. Even in 91, the *Bong* got a good pop. Too bad it took another couple of years for them to figure out that turning out the lights made it even louder. This marks two years in a row that Snuka gets to be Designated Squash Victim. (More importantly, Snuka gets to be the guy who makes Undertaker 1-0) The flying clothesline gets a big pop. Undertaker manhandles Superfly with so little emotion that the fans don’t know what to make of him. Snuka slingshots into the ring, and was supposed to be caught and tombstoned, but someone messes up and UT has to put him down, then pick him up and tombstone him again. Either way, it’s an easy pin that actually gets a face pop for UT. DUD (Snuka’s Wrestlemania career may have ended here, but luckily his legacy lives on in his daughter, Tamina. Ironically, Tamina is also the daughter of WWE Legend Superfly Jimmy Snuka! And now you know the rest of the story.) – Retirement match: The Ultimate Warrior v. Randy Savage. Bobby Heenan points out that Elizabeth is sitting ringside. (Show the banana peel…) Geez, she couldn’t even get front row. Warrior wisely decides to not run to ringside. Savage takes his top off, showing that he means business. Doesn’t help, as Warrior methodically destroys Savage in a manner totally unlike him. Savage comes off the top but gets caught by Warrior, and then, in an Eddy Guerrero-like moment, Warrior simply puts him down and slaps him. Ooooo, you could get shot for doing shit like that in Mexico. Warrior paces himself nicely, slowly beating the hell out of Savage. He finally goes high-risk and misses a cross-corner charge, sending him flying out of the ring, where Sherri abuses him. Has Sherri been drinking “Ass Bulk 2000” or something? (No, but she did end up drinking booze and painkillers one time too many. Sad face.) Savage sends Warrior to the post and Sherri lays in more punishment. Warrior calmly comes back in the ring and clotheslines Savage out of his boots. Flying shouldblock misses and Savage gets two. Sleeper, and Warrior fights out, but they do the double-knockout bit. Warrior with a small package, but Sherri is distracting the ref. Savage decks Warrior from behind, bumping the ref in the process. But Sherri’s interference backfires and she knocks out Savage. Warrior chases her around, and gets cradled for two. Savage with a stun-gun and the running necksnap for two. Savage drops the big elbow! But it’s not enough, so he drops…FOUR MORE! Seriously, the guy drops five flying elbows on Warrior, just to be a dick. And it only gets two, which didn’t really matter at the time because Savage was supposed to be retiring anyway, so who cared if his move was ruined. (I have to wonder if they legitimately thought Savage was retiring at that point, because that was such a bizarre spot otherwise.) Warrior re-energizes and blitzes Savage with the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DEATH, then the Gorilla Press and splash. *That* only gets two, and now Warrior doesn’t know what to do. He has an epiphanic moment, as he talks to his hands, looking for advice. He starts to walk away from the match, but Savage jumps him from behind. (Gorilla Monsoon, normally a guy who doesn’t tolerate bullshit as an announcer, was beyond stupid here having to talk about Warrior speaking to his gods.) That’s apparently good enough an answer for Warrior, as he moves out of the way of the double-axehandle, sending Savage crashing to the steel railing. He tosses Savage back into the ring and spears Savage, which puts Savage onto the floor. He does it again, sending Savage out again. Finally he throws Savage back in one last time, hits the shoulderblock, and places a foot on his chest to win the match. Warrior’s best match ever. ****1/2 – Extra-curricular activities that lend this match it’s legendary status: Sherri is, shall we say, somewhat miffed at her money source being retired, so she takes out her frustrations on the beaten and helpless Savage. Big boos for that. And then, in one of the great moments of wrestling, Elizabeth finally takes an active role, running out of the audience to make the save and sending Sherri running. Savage wakes up and realizes what happened, then finally reconciles with Elizabeth after two years, bringing tears to every woman (and some of the men) in the arena. (Not me. Just dust in my eye from all the manly stuff I had been doing outside that day, like roping horses while smoking unfiltered Marlboros and drinking whiskey. In fact, it was probably the incredibly carcinogenic smoke that was in my eyes.) Unbelievably great booking as both Warrior and Savage go out on top with a face pop. As a symbolic gesture, Savage holds the ropes open for Liz before leaving, which is Savage’s way of apologizing for years of abuse. See, sometimes it *can* be Shakespeare, kids. Don’t ever let ’em tell you different. (Although if Vince wrote Hamlet, the hero would probably change his mind 14 times before revealing that he killed his own father and was working with Claudius all along.) – Demolition v. Genichiro Tenyru & Koji Kitao. Witness the last match for Demolition before Smash goes solo as Repo Man and Crush goes solo as Crush. No one knows or gives a shit about the Japanese faction, which makes me wonder about the point of this. Demos go for Decapitation, but Kitao pushes Crush off the top and Tenryu powerbombs Smash for the pin. This was nothing. 1/2* – Intercontinental title match: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman. (So many dead people on this show. Every time I go back and do a re-rant the list grows longer and longer. I’m only 37, I shouldn’t be watching all my childhood heroes dying before I even get to middle age.) Heenan started insulting Bossman’s mother in mid-1990, and Bossman responded by mowing down every member of Heenan’s family, leading up to a title match with Hennig. Hennig and Heenan reference Rodney King in the pre-match interview. Bossman mops up with Hennig, but he misses a charge outside the ring and hits the stairs. Heenan lays into Bossman, and Andre the Giant suddenly strides out of the dressing room to help Bossman! Well, as suddenly as Andre moved at the time. Andre grabs the title belt from ringside, and when Hennig lips him off about it, Andre casually smacks him with it, knocking him out. Bossman covers for two, and the nWo…er…Heenan Family runs in for the lame DQ. Hmm, that’s a weird ending for a show with nothing but clean pins up to that point. All standard logic pointed to Bossman winning the title here, but it didn’t happen. Still, the face went over, leaving the fans happy. ** – Earthquake v. Greg Valentine. Valentine turned face as MSG to set this up, and it ends just as briskly. Earthquake absorbs punishment from Hammer for a while and then finishes it with the Quake splash. * – The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory. The Parade O’ Squashes continues, as LOD wipes out Roma and Hercules in something like 8 seconds with the Doomsday Device. Next. DUD – Ted Dibiase v. Virgil. I assume y’all know the story here. Virgil turns on Dibiase at Royal Rumble to go face, and turns to Roddy Piper for training advice. This was just after Piper’s first hip replacement surgery, which is covered by a “motorcycle accident” story. (That doesn’t sound right to me. I think it actually was a motorcycle accident, although I could be thinking of Vince. My life is definitely easier in the age of Wikipedia, I’ll say that.) Virgil boxes with Dibiase to start, as he plays the role of a manager who is learning to wrestle, even though he really can wrestle. Dibiase gains control for a bit, then goes outside to shove the crippled Piper off his chair. Cheap but effective. Dibiase comes off the ropes and Piper hooks the ropes with the crutch, giving Virgil the countout win. I believe this was clipped. Dibiase puts Virgil out with the Million Dollar Dream and Piper limps in to make the save with his crutch, drawing Sherri out of the dressing room as Dibiase’s new manager. They destroy Piper’s knee for fun. Match is 1/2* if that. Danny Davis tries to take the crutch away from Piper and Piper lets him have it right in the nuts. EEEEEEEE-YOWCH! (Speaking as someone who spent a long stretch on crutches in my younger years, I can tell you that whacking someone in the junk with an aluminum crutch is a tremendous way to get them to never pick on you again.) – The Mountie v. Tito Santana. One last match before the main. You’d think Tito would have lost the Strike Force tights TWO YEARS after the breakup. Very quick match as Tito goes after Mountie in the ropes and Jimmy Hart gives Mountie the cattle prod to allow an easy pinfall. DUD – WWF World title match: Sgt. Slobber v. Hulk Hogan. One year after the most interesting angle of Hogan’s career (to that time, anyway), he’s back to fighting the Evil Foreign Menace. Hogan hammers on Sarge for the first 6 or 7 minutes, but Slaughter catches him coming off the top rope (!) to take control. Hogan blades after a chairshot. This is a really, really long match for Hogan. I would just like to note right now that I would give good money to see Hogan come back to the WWF and win the World title right away, then defend it at the Survivor Series. Against Bret Hart. With Vince McMahon at ringside. I think that would be enough of an apology for Bret. I’d love just to see the look on Hulk’s face after being screwed. That would be so glorious. (Of course, he DID come back to the WWF three years after I wrote that, and he DID win the World title right away, but sadly he dropped it in the ring to Undertaker.) Anyway, the usual Hogan match follows here, as Slobber puts him in the dread REAR CHINLOCK OF HIDEOUS DISCOMFORT, but Hogan fights out, rips up the Iraqi flag, hits the big boot and legdrop, and gets the WWF title for the third time. And that’s that. **1/4 The Bottom Line: This show has a bad rap for some reason, but barring the main event it’s really quite good for a WWF show. All the faces went over in the important matches, and the heels went over where it was needed to build them up. And the bad stuff was short. Recommended show. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VII (Once again, the middle portion of the rant, which I have no patience for, so probably don’t look for much here beyond a Tamina joke. The entire rant is basically the same, but with match times, so I don’t know why the fuck I bothered. These days I’m like “Oh man, can I squeeze in an hour of Wrestlemania 27 after Smackdown on Friday so I can do the whole thing before this year’s show?” and back then I’m randomly redoing perfectly cromulent rants because I had nothing else going on all day after I got home from work early in the morning.) – This is from an original Coliseum tape that I bought from a video store years ago, so it’s clipped. Fun fact: I’ve never seen the full version of this show, because they stopped showing Wrestlemania on closed-circuit after VI, and PPV didn’t come to Edmonton until Summerslam 92. This is also the last Coliseum version to be clipped, because from then on the PPV broadcast had to conform to the 2:40 standard. – Live from Los Angeles, CA. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a rotating crew of color men. – Opening match: Haku & Barbarian v. The Rockers. This was a weird time for the Rockers, because they were constantly trying to tease the breakup, but Shawn was having the best matches of his career up until that point. Common wisdom was the newly-pushed Haku & Barbarian getting the easy win here. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn and then rams him backfirst into the corner and whips him around, but Shawn escapes into a criss-cross, and gets a shoulderblock to take him down. They trade wristlocks and Haku slugs away, but Marty comes in for a double elbow…and Barbarian hits both of them with a clothesline, for a Double Jannetty Sell. They respond with a double superkick, and the heels bail. Good stuff. Back in, Barbarian chops on Marty and headbutts him down, but Marty uses speed to evade him and tries a sunset flip. Barbarian blocks it, so Marty goes up with a rana instead. That gets two. Barbarian headbutts him again and brings in Haku for more headbutts, but Marty tries another rana, which gets turned into a hotshot to turn the tide and make Marty YOUR alcoholic-in-peril. Haku with a back elbow and Barbarian adds some double-teaming, and then a press slam. He cuts off the tag by drawing Shawn in, and some shenanigans in the heel corner result. Marty & Haku collide, but Haku recovers first and stomps away. Marty takes another hard bump into the corner and Haku follows with a pair of backbreakers, and we’re clipped a bit to Barbarian going up and missing a diving headbutt. Hot tag Shawn and he hammers on Barbarian in the corner and hits Haku with a crossbody, and then follows with a neckbreaker for two. Haku goes to the eyes, but Shawn gets a sunset flip for one. It’s BONZO GONZO and Barbarian gets dumped, and the Rockers both go up with a missile dropkick from Marty to set up a high cross from Shawn that finishes at 8:40. Super hot opener, with the classic big man v. little man dynamic. ***1/4 – Kerry Von Erich v. Dino Bravo. Kerry was already nearing the end of his usefulness to the WWF at this point, less than a year into his run with them. Bravo attacks to start and dumps Kerry, and they brawl outside. Back in, Kerry comes back with an atomic drop and slugs away, but Bravo blocks the clawhold. Kerry charges and hits knee, and Bravo follows with an atomic drop and elbow for two. Bravo tries the CLUBBING FOREARMS, but Kerry fights him off, so Bravo gets the sideslam for two. Kerry comes back with the claw and finishes with the Discus Punch at 2:45. Real bad. DUD – Warlord v. The British Bulldog. They fight over a lockup and Warlord gets a quick knee, but Bulldog overpowers him and he bails. Back in, Warlord counters a crucifix with a samoan drop, and we’re obviously clipped via a rant from Slick outside. Warlord tries the full-nelson, but Bulldog fights out and finishes with the powerslam at 2:30. About a million edits here, and that’s probably for the best. DUD – WWF tag team titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys. Sags gets a cheapshot out of the corner to start and pounds away, but Bret comes back with a Thesz Press and an atomic drop on Knobs. We’re clipped to Knobs coming in and going with Anvil, slugging away in the corner and losing that battle. Hiptoss out of the corner and Neidhart sends him to the floor, and the Nasties regroup again. Back in, Neidhart works the arm, but gets caught in the heel corner and Sags pounds him with forearms, until Neidhart brings Bret back in. Bret fires away in the corner on Sags and gets the legsweep, setting up the second-rope elbow for two. Knobs sneaks in and catches him with a clothesline from the back to turn the tide, however, and Bret gets dumped. Back in, Sags whips Bret around and gets a backbreaker for two. Sags goes to a rear chinlock, but Bret has a nice reversal into a neckbreaker. He tries for the tag, but Knobs draws Neidhart in, thus cutting it off, and goes back to the rear chinlock on Bret. Bret powers out to escape, and again they sucker Anvil in, but their double-team backfires, as Sags whips Knobs into the corner and Bret makes…a false tag to Anvil. The megaphone gets involved, but Knobs hits Sags by mistake, hot tag Neidhart. He cleans house and clotheslines both Nasties, and elbows Knobs down for two. Powerslam gets two. Bret comes in and it’s BONZO GONZO, as he chases Sags around, and into a collision with Knobs. The Harts get the Hart Attack on Knobs, but the ref escorts Bret out, and a helmet to the head of Anvil finishes at 8:55 and we have new champions. Solid stuff with all the tag team formula spots, although about 5 minutes was missing so the full version might have been better or worse, hard to say. *** – Blindfold match: Jake Roberts v. Rick Martel. This is a legendary match, for all the wrong reasons, as Martel blinded Jake to set it up. Maybe it was just the cheap rotgut he was drinking at the time? (Oh wait, I see I already made the joke that I inserted into the first rant. Whoops.) So yeah, both guys are wearing hoods, which they can obviously see through in reality. The idea is that Jake points to where Martel is, and the crowd cheers to lead him on. They wander around the ring and Jake trips Martel up for two. Martel pounds him on the mat and tries a backdrop, but Jake just moves out of the way. Now, why wouldn’t someone do that all the time? Talk about exposing the inherent logic gaps of the business. They bump into each other again, but they can’t find each other. Nothing like non-contact to spice up a match. Martel finally gets a slam, but Jake just stands up to dodge an elbowdrop. Martel accidentally gropes Damian and retreats to the other corner. Jake finally finds him and grabs a headlock, but Martel dumps him. Martel follows like an idiot and grabs a chair, but of course can’t find him. Back in, Martel gets a backbreaker and the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out. Martel is dazed, DDT, goodnight at 6:09. There’s a reason why you don’t see many blindfold matches…well…ever, really. -*** – Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker. Despite still being a heel, the pop Undertaker gets for the opening “bong” is pretty impressive. Callaway had the character down cold from day one. Snuka charges to start and gets hammered in the corner as a result. Taker chokes away and gets the flying clothesline, and then fights off a charge with a knee that sends Snuka to the floor. Suplex back in, but an elbow misses. Snuka tries to fight back with a headbutt, but misses a crossbody attempt and splats on the floor. Back in, Taker finishes with the tombstone at 4:18. The only purpose was to make Taker look like a killer, and that’s what it did. ½* (Not as much of an (alleged) killer as Snuka, but at least Taker could remember this the next morning. Oh yeah, Tamina something something Jimmy Snuka.) – Retirement match: Ultimate Warrior v. Randy Savage. In retrospect, the wrong guy went over. Thankfully, Warrior WALKS to the ring for once, conserving energy instead of blowing up in the first 30 seconds. They fight over a lockup to start and Savage actually gives a clean break, but Warrior powers him down. Savage knees him and goes to the eyes to gain the advantage, but Warrior overpowers him again and he bails. Back in, Warrior clotheslines him and gets a two-handed choke, into an atomic drop, both ways. See, Warrior can mix up the moveset when he needed to. Sherri tries running in, so Warrior tosses Savage into her and slugs Savage down. Savage gets tied in the ropes and Warrior stomps on him, then puts his head down and Savage hits him with the clothesline and goes up. Crossbody (!?) is caught by Warrior, but he just puts him down and slaps him. OOOOOOOO. Savage bails and tosses a chair in to distract the ref, then attacks Warrior from behind, but that gets him nowhere. This is cool because it’s about Savage losing his temper and Warrior not acting like a maniac for once, because it’s so important to him. Warrior stomps a mudhole in the corner and slugs Savage down, but misses a blind charge, his first high-impact offensive attempt, and Sherri gives him a shot on the floor. Savage follows with an axehandle to the floor, but Warrior shoves Sherri away, which again allows Savage to attack him. Again, when Warrior stays calm he’s in control, but when he loses it Savage takes over. Back in, Savage drops a knee for two. Gorilla then makes a ridiculous statement, that it’s the “largest audience in the history of PPV”, like they would know the buyrate an hour into the show. Warrior gets a backslide for two and Savage takes a powder, but Warrior catches him coming in with a clothesline. He misses the shoulderblock, however, and Savage gets two. We hit the chinlock and Warrior powers out, and they criss-cross into a double-clothesline, and both are out. Sherri distracts the ref while Warrior cradles Savage, and that gets two. Warrior loses his temper again and the ref gets bumped as a result, after a botched editing job, and Sherri goes in, hitting Savage with her shoe by mistake. Warrior goes after her again, again making a dumb mistake, and Savage rolls him up for two. Warrior slugs him down, but Savage sends him into the turnbuckle and necksnaps him. Another necksnap on the top and Savage clubs him down, slamming him for two. He goes up with the flying elbow, and then since it’s a special occasion, drops four more. You’d THINK would be enough to beat him, but it only gets two. Given that Savage was going to come back, they shouldn’t have done that, but it didn’t hurt the move in the long run, since Savage would start pinning guys with it again anyway. Warrior fights up, however, and slugs Savage down, setting up the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DOOM and the gorilla press. Unlike the year before, he has enough strength left to actually pull it off correctly this time. The splash…gets two. The crowd is a little shocked by that. Warrior gets all freaked out and talks to his hands (maybe Jake slipped him a little something before the match?) and apparently the answer is to walk away from the match, which allows Savage to recover. Savage knocks him off the apron and puts him on the railing, but misses the flying axehandle and knocks himself silly. And now it’s the big comeback for Warrior, as he tosses Savage back into the ring, hits him with three shoulderblocks, and ends his career (well, forever IS a short time in wrestling) at 20:47. Easily Warrior’s best match ever, and one of my personal favorites of all-time, as Warrior paced himself and they delivered a great storyline and Savage worked his ass off. ****1/2 This is THE reason to see this show. – And then of course the big angle which followed, as Sherri turned on the fallen Savage and beat on him, drawing Elizabeth out of the crowd to make the save and thus reunite with Savage and turn him into the #1 babyface in the promotion, moments after his “retirement”. It still works, no matter how many times, and they’d be well advised to try the same thing with Trish and Jericho on Sunday. (Quite the opposite happened, as Trish actually turned on Jericho and somehow boosted her career into another gear as a result. Oh man was Evil Trish HOT.) Unfortunately, Savage’s descent into dementia in the real world and Elizabeth’s ugly end while shacked up with Lex Luger would mean that the storybook romance wouldn’t have a happy ending, but sometimes it’s nice to remember when it MIGHT have. (How is it fair that ULTIMATE WARRIOR is the only guy left alive out of this match?) – Demolition v. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao. This is the Bryan Adams version of Demolition. Crush starts with Kitao, but gets kneed and hammered on the ropes. Mr. Fuji hits him with the cane for good measure, and Smash comes in, but Kitao brings Tenryu in, a young and spry 40 or so at that point, and he goes up with the elbow, but misses. Crush gets a backbreaker and Smash gets a backdrop suplex to set up Decapitation, but Kitao breaks it up. Crush goes back up, but gets shoved off again, and Tenryu hits Smash with an enzuigiri and powerbombs him for the pin at 2:50. No idea what the point of this was, but it sure sucked. Crush & Smash went their separate ways after this. DUD – Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman. This was the blowoff of the lengthy Bossman v. Heenan feud, with Bobby insulting Bossman’s mama for months, and Bossman running through the entire Heenan family to get revenge. Standard logic had Bossman going over to finish the job here. Gorilla again repeats the nonsense about the largest PPV audience. (But was it trending on Twitter?) Just to clarify, VI did a 3.8 buyrate, and this one did 2.8. They exchange slaps to start and Perfect does a spinning sell of one, and Bossman gives him a hairtoss. He slugs Perfect into the corner and gets a clothesline that Perfect oversells with zeal, and then tosses Perfect to the floor. Back in, another shot puts Perfect over the top again. Bossman goes after the Brain, however, and that allows Perfect to send him into the stairs. However, Andre the Giant heads out to even things up. In the ring, Perfect hammers on Bossman, while Andre grabs the IC title. Perfect rams Bossman into an exposed turnbuckle and goes after Andre, and gets the belt in the face for his troubles. Bossman comes back and gets two, and Haku & Barbarian run in for the DQ at 4:35. This didn’t get going at all, which is a shame because Bossman was on a killer run at the time. * – Earthquake v. Greg Valentine. Valentine had turned face by means which I don’t remember or care about. Quake attacks him in the corner and powerslams him for two. Blind charge misses and Hammer starts chopping and elbowing. Earthquake finally goes down and Valentine drops another elbow to set up the figure-four, but let’s face it, that’s pretty stupid. Jimmy Hart distracts him and Quake finishes with the butt splash at 3:14. ½* – The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory. The pre-match interview is longer and more entertaining than the match, as the LOD storm in, dispose of Hercules, and finish Paul Roma with the Doomsday Device at 0:55. This ended the usefulness of Power & Glory as a heel team, which was kind of a shame because they were really over and basically being used better than they had been in years. DUD (On the other hand, fuck Paul Roma.) – Ted Dibiase v. Virgil. Roddy Piper was “training” Virgil to build up to this and was in his corner, but had a motorcycle accident and thus he was on crutches. Virgil starts punching and Dibiase goes down, and bails. Back in, Virgil takes him down, so Dibiase responds with a drop toehold and chops him in the corner. Back elbow and gutwrench suplex get two. Dibiase tosses him and then shoves Piper down, and back in powerslams Virgil. Piper pulls down the ropes, however, and Dibiase is counted out at 4:36. Barely a match. ¼* Sherri makes her return, now aligned with Dibiase – The Mountie v. Tito Santana. Quick squash for the Mountie before the main event, as Tito gets a quick flying forearm, only to be shocked with the tazer and pinned at 1:19. DUD – WWF title match: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan. It’s weird, because even six years earlier this would have been quite the dream match. They fight over the lockup to start, and Hogan powers him down. The show may have bombed, but the heat is huge. Hogan grabs a headlock and overpowers him again. They brawl outside and Hogan goes after Adnan, which allows Slaughter to hit him with a chair. Hogan no-sells that and tosses him back in, but Slaughter goes to the eyes and slugs away. Back elbow and Slaughter drops some knees to work on the neck, but misses an elbow. Hogan comes back with a clothesline and goes after Adnan, then hits Slaughter with an elbow in the corner. Atomic drop gets two. They brawl outside again and back in, where Hogan gets the Axe Bomber for two. He sends Slaughter into the post and backdrops him out of the corner, then whips him into the corner again. High knee into the corner and Hogan catapults him into the post , as the ringpost proves to be a more effective worker than Hogan. Hogan follows him into the corner with a clothesline and fires away with punches, then back into the other turnbuckle again for two. Hotshot and elbows, and Hogan GOES UP? Adnan trips him up and Slaughter slams him off, and they brawl outside, where Slaughter chokes him out with a cable. Back in, he goes to work on the back and gets a backbreaker for two. He keeps stomping on the back and goes into a Boston crab, using Adnan for extra leverage. Hogan makes the ropes. Back to the back, as he drops knees on it and comes off the top with a knee for two. Weird spot as Adnan stupidly distracts the ref while Slaughter had a clear pinfall on Hogan. Slaughter hits Hogan with a chair, drawing blood, and I assume THAT’S where Adnan was supposed to be distracting the ref. Short clothesline sets up the camel clutch, and only in THIS storyline could a rear chinlock be a deadly finishing move. At least it made sense within the context of the match, and Slaughter’s abuse of the back. Hogan powers out of it like in 1984 against Sheik, but Slaughter apparently saw that match and reverses him into the corner. He covers Hogan with the flag and gets two, and it’s Hulk Up Time. Hogan rips up the flag, which is actually a huge breach of international etiquette, and it’s punch punch punch big boot legdrop and he’s a 3-time champion at 20:23. This was actually quite good for a Hogan match, with Slaughter bumping a lot and carrying the pace and psychology. ***1/2 Taken out of the context of the horrible storyline and tasteless buildup to the match, it’s actually a fine main event. The Bottom Line: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: This show gets a MAJOR bad rap, as there’s four ***+ matches and one genuine classic in Warrior-Savage. Sure, the rest is junk, but the crowd was really hot and the main event delivered, so I think it’s a worthwhile show. Mildly recommended. The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania VII – Yeah, this is a kind of a random choice, I know, but I’ve been meaning to do the full Anthology version of the show for months now and this is as good a night as any. Since we didn’t have PPV in Edmonton at the time, this is the first time I’ve ever seen anything besides the heavily edited Coliseum version of this show. – Live from the Los Angeles Coliseum LA Sports Arena – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a rotating cast of color commentators, mainly Bobby Heenan. First up is Hacksaw Duggan, introduced with entrance music dubbed over where he had none previously. I don’t get that. – This show, much like Summerslam 93 (upcoming as soon as the Summerslam Anthology gets here from Amazon), is draped in cynical patriotic fervor from the WWF in hopes of drawing a buyrate on the back of the first Iraq war. It didn’t work. The Rockers v. Haku & The Barbarian FACES OF FEAR~! Odd choice for an opener, as Haku & Barbarian had no backstory together other than being members of the Heenan Family. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn to start and runs him into the corner, but they criss-cross and Shawn takes him down with a shoulder tackle for one. The Rockers double-team with a hiptoss into a double elbow, but Barbarian DESTROYS them with a clothesline for a rare double 180 somersault sell by the Rockers. Truly a special night. Rockers regroup with a double superkick to put Barbarian on the floor, and the heels get some advice from Heenan. Normally I’d have a joke here, but you’ll have to insert your own tonight. (OK, here’s mine: Don’t ask Marty to pee in the cup for you.) Back in, Barbarian hammers Marty on the apron, but gets caught with a sunset flip that gets two. Marty tries working the arm, but a double headbutt flattens him. Marty tries a rana, but Barbarian drops him on the top rope and Jannetty is YOUR face in peril. Haku elbows him down for another somersault sell, and Barbarian gets a press slam and draws Shawn in with a cheapshot. Haku and Marty collide and Marty gets two. That was clearly a blown spot, but they worked through it. Haku gets a pair of nasty backbreakers and Barbarian gets two. Clothesline and bearhug follow, and Barbarian whips Marty into the corner to work the back. Marty comes out of there with a flying clothesline, but Barbarian catches him in mid-air with a powerslam. Good spot. Barbarian goes up for the diving headbutt, but it misses, and it’s hot tag Shawn. Back elbow for Haku and he slugs away on both heels, and a neckbreaker on Haku gets two. Sunset flip gets two. They double-dropkick Barbarian out of the ring and finish Haku with a Marty missile dropkick into Shawn’s flying bodypress at 10:33. Great opener, as the Rockers were peaking as a team just before they self-destructed. ***1/2 Meanwhile, Mean Gene interviews Regis Philbin, Alex Trebek and Marla Maples. One of these things does not have the same cultural status she did in 1991. Dino Bravo v. Kerry Von Erich Now here’s a depressing match for you. Both guys were rapidly on the way down the slippery slope as it was, and of course it ended badly for both. Bravo hammers away before Tornado can get his robe off, but he makes the comeback and they slug it out in the corner. That goes nowhere and Bravo gets a cheapshot, then drops an elbow for two. Side slam gets two. Bravo comes off the middle rope with a forearm shot that literally misses by a foot, but Kerry comes back with the claw and finishes with the discus punch at 3:10. Short and yet still god-awful. Kerry was just missing everything and couldn’t even hit the finisher properly. 1/2* The British Bulldog v. The Warlord Warlord pounds away to start, but Bulldog shoulderblocks him out of the ring. Back in, Bulldog with a crucifix, but Warlord drops down to counter and follows with an elbowdrop for two. Bearhug, and he drops Bulldog on the top rope for two. Belly to belly gets two. We hit the chinlock, but Bulldog elbows out and dropkicks him into the corner. Bulldog comes off the middle with a forearm, into a crossbody for two. Piledriver is countered into a backdrop, but Bulldog gets a sunset flip for two. Warlord clotheslines him down and it’s time for the Full-Nelson, but he’s no Chris Masters so Bulldog is able to power out. And since he’s had enough tonight, the powerslam finishes at 8:12. Not too shabby. **1/2 WWF World tag titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys Bret gets slugged down by Sags right away, but gets the Thesz Press and fights off both Nasties. He slingshots Sags in and starts on the arm, prompting Sags to tag out to Knobs. So Anvil comes in to match and pounds him in the corner, then hiptosses him over the top to clean house. Back in, he goes to the arm, but goes to the wrong corner. He quickly recovers and gets Bret in in for some punishment on Sags in the corner. Russian legsweep and elbow get two. However, he goes after Knobs and turns his back, which opens him up to getting clobbered from behind with a clothesline, and thus he’s the face-in-peril. Bret was also clearly the breakout star of the team at this point, and seemed bigger than the match. So Bret goes to the corner and Sags follows with a backbreaker for two. He gets a rear chinlock and Knobs stays on the back with the same. Back to Sags, who adds a neckbreaker for two. Back to the chinlock, but Bret escapes with his own neckbreaker. Knobs comes in and stays on the back, however, forcing Bret to power out. The Nasties try the Harts’ own double-whip, but Bret moves and it’s the false tag. Heel miscommunication gives us the real hot tag, however, and Anvil clotheslines everyone and gets two on Knobs. Powerslam gets two. Nasties collide again and the Hart Attack results, but Sags hits Anvil with the helmet and Knobs gets the pin and the titles at 12:01. Probably one of the best matches ever for the Nasties, although I still think a match against Money Inc. on a Coliseum video was better. This was more about Bret’s coming out party than elevating the Nasties in any meaningful way, and that’s fine. ***1/2 Blindfold match: Jake Roberts v. Rick Martel Martel was such a bland heel that even the old venerable “blinded babyface” angle turned into a bore in his hands. So the concept here is of course that both guys are hooded (and this cut of the show clearly shows that they can see through them), as they stumble around the ring for a bit before Jake gets a fluke rollup for two. Another stupid spot sees Martel putting his head down for a backdrop, but Jake just moves out of the way. Which leads to the question: Why wouldn’t you just do that all the time? The gag here is that Jake points to a location and the crowd cheers to indicate Martel’s location, Martel runs away, repeat. For amusing the crowd it’s a fine bit, but a real match it’s awful. Martel gets his hands on Jake and slams him, but misses an elbow because Jake gets up and he can’t see it. Like really, any halfway intelligent wrestler would, you know, WRESTLE his opponent to the ground rather than trying typical worked spots. Jake claps his hands to fake out Martel and then tries a takedown from behind, but Martel makes the ropes and we’re back to blindly wandering around the ring. This also brings up my biggest beef with this match: MARTEL DOESN’T CHEAT. He’s the fucking HEEL, he should be taking off his hood behind the ref’s back and then beating the shit out of Jake to get the heat. What kind of a pussy adheres to the stips? Jake tries a headlock and then falls to the floor (Bobby: “Excuse me…Martel! He’s on the floor!”) Martel follows him out and grabs a chair, but Jake drags him back in. Martel comes back with a backbreaker into the crab, but Jake escapes and finishes, thank god, with the DDT at 8:28. -**** Undertaker v. Jimmy Snuka Horrible overdub alert: Snuka’s music is replaced with generic up-tempo crap, so Fink has to redo his introduction. Really? They don’t have the rights to “Superfly” any longer? Did the guy at the beginning threaten to sue-sue-sue them? Thank you, I’ve been waiting to work that one in for like 5 years now. Anyway, Undertaker coldly puts Snuka down with the flying clothesline and drops the elbow, but that misses. Snuka fires back with chops, but tries a bodypress and lands on the floor instead. He fights back in for the apron and tries to slingshot back in, but Taker catches him and finishes with the tombstone at 4:15. And that is 1-0 for Undertaker. Can you even imagine? * (What I couldn’t imagine is a world where Snuka didn’t produce a daughter, who then grew up to be Tamina, daughter of WWE Legend Superfly Jimmy Snuka. That’s what I couldn’t imagine.) Retirement match: Randy Savage v. Ultimate Warrior Hey, isn’t that the lovely Elizabeth at ringside? More importantly, who’s her date? Man, that guy is about to get cock-blocked in the worst way. Warrior’s entrance is pretty reserved as compared to his usual, which was kind of the point. Savage goes with the cheapshot to start and pounds away, but Warrior puts him down with a shoulderblock and follows with a clothesline. Warrior chokes him down and gets an atomic drop from both ways, then tosses Savage into Sherri before slugging Savage down again. Macho gets tied in the ropes, but gets free and puts Warrior down with the hooking clothesline, then goes up with the flying bodypress, but Warrior catches him and sets him down to really egg him on. Oooo, BURN. Savage gets frustrated and tosses a chair in for the distraction, then blindsides Warrior, but Warrior calmly pounds him down and stomps a mudhole in the corner. Blind charge misses, however, and Warrior hits the floor, giving Sherri a chance to torment him. Savage follows with a flying axehandle to the floor, and sends Warrior into the post. Another shot from Sherri and they head back in for a Savage kneedrop that gets two. Warrior gets a backslide for two and Gorilla informs us “we’ve just been informed that this is the largest audience in the history of pay-per-view”. Really? In the middle of the show they got those numbers? (Obviously the Miz wasn’t headlining.) Warrior tries the flying shoulderblock, but Savage moves and gets two. That was a weak spot, actually. Savage goes to a sleeper, but Warrior fights out of it and they criss-cross into the double-clothesline. Warrior reverses a slam into the small package, but the ref is distracted by Sherri and it only gets two. Ref is bumped and Sherri gets more directly involved, but hits Savage with her shoe by mistake. Warrior goes after her, allowing Savage to get a rollup for two. Warrior slugs him down, but Savage sends him into the turnbuckles and it’s looking bad for Warrior. Slam gets two and Savage drops the big elbow, then gets really dramatic and drops FOUR MORE of them. You’d think that would do it, but it only gets two. Warrior powers up and makes the comeback with the three clotheslines and gorilla press, but the big splash only gets two. Maybe he should have done FIVE of them like Savage did. Warrior appeals to the gods for help, or maybe just the photographer in the rafters, who knows with this guy. No answer is forthcoming so he decides to walk out of the match and think it over, but Savage makes the decision for him and attacks. Savage tries to drop an axehandle onto the Warrior’s throat ala Ricky Steamboat, but he misses and splatters himself on the railing. And Warrior apparently has his message (perhaps God had voice mail and was just on another call at the time) because he heads back in and spears Savage out of the ring. Back in, second verse same as the first. One last shoulderblock and Savage is retired (with a bazillion more World titles yet to come) at 20:45. Still awesome, although the occasional goofed up spot and slightly anti-climactic ending leave it well short of perfection. ****1/2 And of course, Machiavellian Sherri attacks her former meal ticket afterwards like Lady Macbeth, leaving Elizabeth to make the unlikely save, finally getting physically involved on behalf of Savage after years of being the distraction and nothing more. And so they are reunited again and would have been the happy ending to Savage’s career, had it actually been the ending. The retirement proved to be pretty inconvenient because suddenly Savage was the #2 babyface in the promotion again and could have easily carried the belt. Anyway, I think I have dust in my eye, let’s move on… Demolition v. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao What a strangely random tag team match. Clearly this is after the intermission, which is brutal because we’re already two hours into this thing with two title matches to come. The pre-match interviews with Regis trying to interview the Japanese contingent and Trebek antagonizing Demolition are brutal. (On the Score in the segments after the commercials on this week’s RAW, Arda Ocal actually referenced those interviews as one of the dumbest moments in Wrestlemania history, and it’s hard to argue.) Speaking of brutal, “Demolition” is once again edited out, giving us Spooky Ghost Finkel. Crush attacks Kitao, but he fires back with forearms. Fuji hits him with the cane to give the Demos the advantage, but Kitao doesn’t really sell any of Smash’s goofy offense. Crush goes to the neck vice and Smash chokes him out. Kitao finally gets a random clothesline out of the corner and brings Tenryu in, but he misses an elbow off the top. Crush comes in with a backbreaker and Smash sets up for the finish, but Kitao pushes Crush off the top and Tenryu hits Smash with an enzuigiri and finishes with the powerbomb at 4:39. I don’t know WHAT they were going for here, but it probably wasn’t this. Demolition was thankfully put out to pasture as a concept after this. DUD Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman Finally, I can watch the uncut match. Another two-death match in a depressing series of them tonight. Four if you’re counting the referee and Andre. This was of course the culmination of Bobby Heenan insulting Big Bossman’s mother for months, resulting in Bossman mowing through the entire Heenan family. In hindsight, he should have won the title here. They had lots of time to put the belt back on Perfect before Bret got it anyway. Bossman’s music is overdubbed with the shitty Attitude era music, but thankfully Perfect’s theme survives. Bossman DISRESPECTS THE TOWEL and then spits on Perfect, and you know that’s not gonna stand. Bossman tosses Perfect around by the hair and then catches him with a clothesline out of the corner, as Perfect gives us his first somersault sell. Bossman tosses him to start the bumping officially . Back in, Perfect does the somersault bump out of the corner, and Bossman whips him with his belt for good measure. Perfect, however, is SMART and absorbs the punishment long enough to steal the belt, then wraps it around his fist and puts Bossman down with it. They slug it out in the corner and Perfect whips him into the turnbuckles, and then it’s a historic Gorilla moment: Mr. Perfect applies an abdominal stretch and Gorilla notes that it’s perfectly applied! That is the only time I’ve heard him fail to gripe about the foot not being hooked properly. Perfect releases and gets the necksnap, and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX, but sadly he’s wrong because Bossman reverses for two. Perfect fires back with an inverted version of the necksnap, and that’s just nasty. Perfect goes up and lands on Bossman’s boot, and Bossman posts him. Perfect bails to escape that, suckering Bossman out and into the STEEL stairs. Luckily, Andre the Giant is in the building to deal with these shenanigans, and he grabs the title belt from the timekeeper and then casually whacks Perfect with it. Perfect’s sell of that is epic. You’d think “title change” there, but no, it only gets two as the cavalry runs in for the DQ at 10:44. Much better than the edited Coliseum version, but the finish just totally fell apart because Andre was really slow in hitting his marks. But then, would YOU argue with him? ***1/4 Earthquake v. Greg Valentine Boy, that Greg Valentine face turn…what more can you say about it? Oh man, Chuck Norris interviewed at ringside many years before he became an internet meme. Quake pounds him in the corner and follows with the powerslam, but Hammer comes out of the corner with an elbow and pounds Quake down. Elbow off the middle rope and Valentine drops the Hammer, but Quake’s legs are too big for the figure-four. Another try, but Valentine gets distracted by Jimmy Hart, and Quake puts him away at 3:14. It was what it was. 1/2* The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory If you put together a “Paul Roma’s Greatest Moments” DVD, this would probably be high up on the list. Another two-death match. P&G attacks to start, but Animal powerslams Roma and the Doomsday Device finishes him at 1:00. There’s your Wrestlemania Moment, Paul. DUD Ted Dibiase v. Virgil Virgil’s inevitable slow-burn face turn was one where people had been waiting for years to see it, but once they did it they had nowhere else to go with the character. It’s a shame that UFC was still a few years away at this point, because a name change and refit into a MMA-style street fighter would have been a good gimmick direction for Virgil. The name change would have been an easy one as well, because he could be like “That was just the name you gave me!” and everyone would completely buy it. In fact, why would he continue calling himself “Virgil” after leaving Dibiase’s employ, anyway? Virgil uses the fisticuffsmanship to get Dibiase off his game to start, then slingshots him in from the apron. He clotheslines Dibiase back out again, and gets a back elbow for two in the ring. Dibiase bails and stalls, and back in he accuses Virgil of cheating to buy time. Virgil takes him down, but Dibiase gets his own drop toehold and rams him into the turnbuckles a few times. Piledriver gets two. Suplex gets two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. Virgil bails and Dibiase follows him out and beats up on the crippled Roddy Piper for good measure, because he’s AWESOME. Back in, powerslam for Virgil, but Piper uses his crutch to pull down the top rope and Dibiase is counted out at 7:35. This didn’t really go anywhere and was far eclipsed by their Summerslam match later that year. *1/2 Dibiase lays the beatdown on Virgil afterwards until Piper saves, but now Sherri changes teams and debuts as Dibiase’s new manager for a pairing that should have worked way better than it did. The storylines with Sherri siphoning off Dibiase’s millions could have written themselves. The Mountie v. Tito Santana And one last squash before the main event, just because this show wasn’t ridiculously long enough as it is. Tito gets the flying forearm right away and goes after Jimmy Hart, then hits Mountie with an atomic drop. Shock stick to the gut finishes for Mountie, however, at 1:18. DUD WWF World title: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan Hulk works the headlock to start and boots Slaughter down, but goes after Adnan and that allows Slaughter to attack with a chair. Not just any chair, but a Wrestlemania souvenir chair from the looks of it! Those hurt EXTRA, but Hulk no-sells it and they head back in. Slaughter pounds away in the corner and puts Hogan down with an elbow, then drops knees before missing an elbow. Bobby goes off on a funny run on Regis’ behalf about how he dislikes Hogan because “the men I managed never got any title shots”, which is such a ridiculously blatant lie that you have to love it. Hogan comes back and whips Slaughter around the ring, then backdrops him out of the corner. Catapult into the post and Gorilla declares that we’re seeing “The Hulkster of the 90s”. No, I’d say the Hulk of the 90s was yet to come, but kudos for trying to be timely. Corner clothesline gets two and Hulk goes AERIAL, but Slaughter catches him coming down. Hulk shakes it off and slams him, then drops the elbows before going up AGAIN. Slaughter slams him off the top to take over, and goes to work on the back. Clothesline misses by a good foot, but Hogan sells it and goes to the floor anyway. Sarge chokes him out with the TV cable, which is carrying the signal to the biggest PPV audience in the history of PPV you know, and back in Slaughter keeps pounding the back. Boston Crab, and Slaughter uses the old Arn Anderson trick of having Adnan push on his head for leverage, but Hogan makes the ropes. Slaughter stays on the back and goes up with a flying kneedrop, but Adnan actually distracts the ref while Slaughter is covering. It still gets two. Slaughter retrieves another chair and hits Hogan right in the bald spot, and we get blood from that. The REAR CHINLOCK OF DEATH seems to signal the end for Hulkamania, but much like those democracy-loving Kuwaitis, Hogan escapes the deathgrip of Iraq and makes the comeback. Big boot, legdrop, and it’s mission accomplished and Osama Bin Laden captured all in one pinfall at 20:21. Lex Luger probably would have won by countout. Gorilla declares that the war is now officially over that Hogan has won the title back. I’m sure all the soldiers in Kuwait were relieved to hear that. *** The Pulse Holy cow this show is LONG. The full version isn’t significantly different from the edited one in terms of making the show better or worse, but 3.5 hours is just way too long for a show that didn’t need junk filler like Earthquake v. Valentine and Tito Santana v. Mountie. Still kind of a forgotten and overly maligned show. Mild recommendation.
Wrestlemania Countdown: 7
8th March 2012 by Scott Keith
The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VII (2012 Scott sez: Jesus fuck, ANOTHER three-version Wrestlemania rant. Before I was married, I had so much time on my hands that I could apparently just sit around and watch the same damn shows OVER AND OVER. Actually, that’s pretty accurate, come to think of it.) – Live from Los Angeles, California and the Memorial Coliseum…oh, wait, that’s just in Vince’s dreams. It’s actually the much smaller Sports Arena. Bomb threat my ass… Original airdate: March 24, 1991 – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan, plus a host of others.– Opening match: The Rockers v. Haku & Barbarian. Yup, the Faces of Fear actually got started as a team in the WWF. Wicked move as the Rockers double-team Haku, but Barbarian runs in with a clothesline on both guys that results in a double-somersault-oversell. Cool stuff. The Rockers must not be stoned tonight. (Or, more accurately, they were getting better at hiding it.) Marty holds his own with Barbarian but gets caught in the corner and double-teamed, then stun-gunned while attempting a rana on Haku. Jannetty bumps like a madman to hold it together. A Barbarian flying headbutt misses, allowing Marty to hot tag Shawn, who does some nicely timed stuff to hold off the heels. Double dropkick on Haku and then a dropkick off the top from Marty leads to a bodypress off the top from Shawn for the pin. The Rockers could do no wrong at this point, and this is proof. *** – Kiss-ass celebrity interview segment with Regis Philbin, Marla Maples and Alex Trebek. – Kerry Von Erich v. Dino Bravo. Okay, this is just a little creepy, considering the current state of both guys. Nothing match as both guys had already outlived their usefulness to the federation, and there was a suicide watch on Kerry to boot. (No pun intended.) Bravo gets the side slam, but it only gets two. He follows with something off the second rope, but gets caught with the clawhold, and Von Erich finishes it with the discus punch, possibly the worst finisher in history. 1/4* (Hey now, there’s a long tradition of heroic muscle men winding up their punches to add maximum impact!) – The Warlord v. The British Bulldog. There was some sort of issue here that I might have cared about in 1991 but I can’t be bothered to remember it now. The match ran about 8 minutes originally and is clipped to about two here, thankfully. Warlord wears down Bulldog and gets the FULL-NELSON OF DOOM, but Bulldog breaks it and powerslams him for the pin. 1/4* – WWF World tag team title match: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys. Vince stole the Nasties from WCW a few months prior to this and I guess they wanted to justify the contracts or something. (I think “stole” is a bit strong, as WCW didn’t see much in them anyway.) This marks the end of the first phase of Bret’s WWF career. Nasties have zero heat. Jimmy Hart just happens to be wearing a motorcycle helmet. The subtlety just boggles the mind. We get a shot of Macauley Culkin in the crowd and Gorilla completely misses the significance. The Harts are just amazingly over, and they do the impossible and carry the Nasties to a watchable match here. Bret works in the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM early on. Match slows down (waaaaay down) as Sags works on Bret with a rear chinlock. Nasties blow a move, and we get the false tag to Neidhart. Sags gets nailed with the megaphone by mistake and Neidhart gets the tag for real. Nasties get demolished and Hart Attacked, but Bret gets escorted from the ring, allowing Sags to nail Neidhart with that conveniently present motorcycle helmet and win the WWF tag team titles. Better than it had any right to be. **1/2 (That helmet actually falls under the cinematic convention of establishing that the gun is present all the way in the first act of the movie and then paying it off at the end. Also known as the banana peel theory: Show the banana peel, show the banana peel, slip on the banana peel.) – Blindfold match: Rick Martel v. Jake Roberts. This one falls under “dumb ideas stolen from Kevin Sullivan”. The High Concept: Both guys are blindfolded, to symbolize Jake’s blindness at the hands of Martel. (Or from exceptionally cheap hooch. Grizzly Smith WAS a backwoods mountain man.) Jake encourages the crowd to cheer louder when he points to where Martel is. Not exactly much contact being made as they spend most of the match standing in the corners trying to figure out where the other guy is. Martel gets his hands on Jake, finally, and puts him in the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out, then gropes around long enough to find Martel and DDT him for the pin. There was maybe 5 points total where contact was made. Easily the worst-ever Wrestlemania match at –**** (I wouldn’t say “easily” in a world with Bossman v. Undertaker. I think this was written before that, though.) – Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker. Even in 91, the *Bong* got a good pop. Too bad it took another couple of years for them to figure out that turning out the lights made it even louder. This marks two years in a row that Snuka gets to be Designated Squash Victim. (More importantly, Snuka gets to be the guy who makes Undertaker 1-0) The flying clothesline gets a big pop. Undertaker manhandles Superfly with so little emotion that the fans don’t know what to make of him. Snuka slingshots into the ring, and was supposed to be caught and tombstoned, but someone messes up and UT has to put him down, then pick him up and tombstone him again. Either way, it’s an easy pin that actually gets a face pop for UT. DUD (Snuka’s Wrestlemania career may have ended here, but luckily his legacy lives on in his daughter, Tamina. Ironically, Tamina is also the daughter of WWE Legend Superfly Jimmy Snuka! And now you know the rest of the story.) – Retirement match: The Ultimate Warrior v. Randy Savage. Bobby Heenan points out that Elizabeth is sitting ringside. (Show the banana peel…) Geez, she couldn’t even get front row. Warrior wisely decides to not run to ringside. Savage takes his top off, showing that he means business. Doesn’t help, as Warrior methodically destroys Savage in a manner totally unlike him. Savage comes off the top but gets caught by Warrior, and then, in an Eddy Guerrero-like moment, Warrior simply puts him down and slaps him. Ooooo, you could get shot for doing shit like that in Mexico. Warrior paces himself nicely, slowly beating the hell out of Savage. He finally goes high-risk and misses a cross-corner charge, sending him flying out of the ring, where Sherri abuses him. Has Sherri been drinking “Ass Bulk 2000” or something? (No, but she did end up drinking booze and painkillers one time too many. Sad face.) Savage sends Warrior to the post and Sherri lays in more punishment. Warrior calmly comes back in the ring and clotheslines Savage out of his boots. Flying shouldblock misses and Savage gets two. Sleeper, and Warrior fights out, but they do the double-knockout bit. Warrior with a small package, but Sherri is distracting the ref. Savage decks Warrior from behind, bumping the ref in the process. But Sherri’s interference backfires and she knocks out Savage. Warrior chases her around, and gets cradled for two. Savage with a stun-gun and the running necksnap for two. Savage drops the big elbow! But it’s not enough, so he drops…FOUR MORE! Seriously, the guy drops five flying elbows on Warrior, just to be a dick. And it only gets two, which didn’t really matter at the time because Savage was supposed to be retiring anyway, so who cared if his move was ruined. (I have to wonder if they legitimately thought Savage was retiring at that point, because that was such a bizarre spot otherwise.) Warrior re-energizes and blitzes Savage with the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DEATH, then the Gorilla Press and splash. *That* only gets two, and now Warrior doesn’t know what to do. He has an epiphanic moment, as he talks to his hands, looking for advice. He starts to walk away from the match, but Savage jumps him from behind. (Gorilla Monsoon, normally a guy who doesn’t tolerate bullshit as an announcer, was beyond stupid here having to talk about Warrior speaking to his gods.) That’s apparently good enough an answer for Warrior, as he moves out of the way of the double-axehandle, sending Savage crashing to the steel railing. He tosses Savage back into the ring and spears Savage, which puts Savage onto the floor. He does it again, sending Savage out again. Finally he throws Savage back in one last time, hits the shoulderblock, and places a foot on his chest to win the match. Warrior’s best match ever. ****1/2 – Extra-curricular activities that lend this match it’s legendary status: Sherri is, shall we say, somewhat miffed at her money source being retired, so she takes out her frustrations on the beaten and helpless Savage. Big boos for that. And then, in one of the great moments of wrestling, Elizabeth finally takes an active role, running out of the audience to make the save and sending Sherri running. Savage wakes up and realizes what happened, then finally reconciles with Elizabeth after two years, bringing tears to every woman (and some of the men) in the arena. (Not me. Just dust in my eye from all the manly stuff I had been doing outside that day, like roping horses while smoking unfiltered Marlboros and drinking whiskey. In fact, it was probably the incredibly carcinogenic smoke that was in my eyes.) Unbelievably great booking as both Warrior and Savage go out on top with a face pop. As a symbolic gesture, Savage holds the ropes open for Liz before leaving, which is Savage’s way of apologizing for years of abuse. See, sometimes it *can* be Shakespeare, kids. Don’t ever let ’em tell you different. (Although if Vince wrote Hamlet, the hero would probably change his mind 14 times before revealing that he killed his own father and was working with Claudius all along.) – Demolition v. Genichiro Tenyru & Koji Kitao. Witness the last match for Demolition before Smash goes solo as Repo Man and Crush goes solo as Crush. No one knows or gives a shit about the Japanese faction, which makes me wonder about the point of this. Demos go for Decapitation, but Kitao pushes Crush off the top and Tenryu powerbombs Smash for the pin. This was nothing. 1/2* – Intercontinental title match: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman. (So many dead people on this show. Every time I go back and do a re-rant the list grows longer and longer. I’m only 37, I shouldn’t be watching all my childhood heroes dying before I even get to middle age.) Heenan started insulting Bossman’s mother in mid-1990, and Bossman responded by mowing down every member of Heenan’s family, leading up to a title match with Hennig. Hennig and Heenan reference Rodney King in the pre-match interview. Bossman mops up with Hennig, but he misses a charge outside the ring and hits the stairs. Heenan lays into Bossman, and Andre the Giant suddenly strides out of the dressing room to help Bossman! Well, as suddenly as Andre moved at the time. Andre grabs the title belt from ringside, and when Hennig lips him off about it, Andre casually smacks him with it, knocking him out. Bossman covers for two, and the nWo…er…Heenan Family runs in for the lame DQ. Hmm, that’s a weird ending for a show with nothing but clean pins up to that point. All standard logic pointed to Bossman winning the title here, but it didn’t happen. Still, the face went over, leaving the fans happy. ** – Earthquake v. Greg Valentine. Valentine turned face as MSG to set this up, and it ends just as briskly. Earthquake absorbs punishment from Hammer for a while and then finishes it with the Quake splash. * – The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory. The Parade O’ Squashes continues, as LOD wipes out Roma and Hercules in something like 8 seconds with the Doomsday Device. Next. DUD – Ted Dibiase v. Virgil. I assume y’all know the story here. Virgil turns on Dibiase at Royal Rumble to go face, and turns to Roddy Piper for training advice. This was just after Piper’s first hip replacement surgery, which is covered by a “motorcycle accident” story. (That doesn’t sound right to me. I think it actually was a motorcycle accident, although I could be thinking of Vince. My life is definitely easier in the age of Wikipedia, I’ll say that.) Virgil boxes with Dibiase to start, as he plays the role of a manager who is learning to wrestle, even though he really can wrestle. Dibiase gains control for a bit, then goes outside to shove the crippled Piper off his chair. Cheap but effective. Dibiase comes off the ropes and Piper hooks the ropes with the crutch, giving Virgil the countout win. I believe this was clipped. Dibiase puts Virgil out with the Million Dollar Dream and Piper limps in to make the save with his crutch, drawing Sherri out of the dressing room as Dibiase’s new manager. They destroy Piper’s knee for fun. Match is 1/2* if that. Danny Davis tries to take the crutch away from Piper and Piper lets him have it right in the nuts. EEEEEEEE-YOWCH! (Speaking as someone who spent a long stretch on crutches in my younger years, I can tell you that whacking someone in the junk with an aluminum crutch is a tremendous way to get them to never pick on you again.) – The Mountie v. Tito Santana. One last match before the main. You’d think Tito would have lost the Strike Force tights TWO YEARS after the breakup. Very quick match as Tito goes after Mountie in the ropes and Jimmy Hart gives Mountie the cattle prod to allow an easy pinfall. DUD – WWF World title match: Sgt. Slobber v. Hulk Hogan. One year after the most interesting angle of Hogan’s career (to that time, anyway), he’s back to fighting the Evil Foreign Menace. Hogan hammers on Sarge for the first 6 or 7 minutes, but Slaughter catches him coming off the top rope (!) to take control. Hogan blades after a chairshot. This is a really, really long match for Hogan. I would just like to note right now that I would give good money to see Hogan come back to the WWF and win the World title right away, then defend it at the Survivor Series. Against Bret Hart. With Vince McMahon at ringside. I think that would be enough of an apology for Bret. I’d love just to see the look on Hulk’s face after being screwed. That would be so glorious. (Of course, he DID come back to the WWF three years after I wrote that, and he DID win the World title right away, but sadly he dropped it in the ring to Undertaker.) Anyway, the usual Hogan match follows here, as Slobber puts him in the dread REAR CHINLOCK OF HIDEOUS DISCOMFORT, but Hogan fights out, rips up the Iraqi flag, hits the big boot and legdrop, and gets the WWF title for the third time. And that’s that. **1/4 The Bottom Line: This show has a bad rap for some reason, but barring the main event it’s really quite good for a WWF show. All the faces went over in the important matches, and the heels went over where it was needed to build them up. And the bad stuff was short. Recommended show. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VII (Once again, the middle portion of the rant, which I have no patience for, so probably don’t look for much here beyond a Tamina joke. The entire rant is basically the same, but with match times, so I don’t know why the fuck I bothered. These days I’m like “Oh man, can I squeeze in an hour of Wrestlemania 27 after Smackdown on Friday so I can do the whole thing before this year’s show?” and back then I’m randomly redoing perfectly cromulent rants because I had nothing else going on all day after I got home from work early in the morning.) – This is from an original Coliseum tape that I bought from a video store years ago, so it’s clipped. Fun fact: I’ve never seen the full version of this show, because they stopped showing Wrestlemania on closed-circuit after VI, and PPV didn’t come to Edmonton until Summerslam 92. This is also the last Coliseum version to be clipped, because from then on the PPV broadcast had to conform to the 2:40 standard. – Live from Los Angeles, CA. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a rotating crew of color men. – Opening match: Haku & Barbarian v. The Rockers. This was a weird time for the Rockers, because they were constantly trying to tease the breakup, but Shawn was having the best matches of his career up until that point. Common wisdom was the newly-pushed Haku & Barbarian getting the easy win here. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn and then rams him backfirst into the corner and whips him around, but Shawn escapes into a criss-cross, and gets a shoulderblock to take him down. They trade wristlocks and Haku slugs away, but Marty comes in for a double elbow…and Barbarian hits both of them with a clothesline, for a Double Jannetty Sell. They respond with a double superkick, and the heels bail. Good stuff. Back in, Barbarian chops on Marty and headbutts him down, but Marty uses speed to evade him and tries a sunset flip. Barbarian blocks it, so Marty goes up with a rana instead. That gets two. Barbarian headbutts him again and brings in Haku for more headbutts, but Marty tries another rana, which gets turned into a hotshot to turn the tide and make Marty YOUR alcoholic-in-peril. Haku with a back elbow and Barbarian adds some double-teaming, and then a press slam. He cuts off the tag by drawing Shawn in, and some shenanigans in the heel corner result. Marty & Haku collide, but Haku recovers first and stomps away. Marty takes another hard bump into the corner and Haku follows with a pair of backbreakers, and we’re clipped a bit to Barbarian going up and missing a diving headbutt. Hot tag Shawn and he hammers on Barbarian in the corner and hits Haku with a crossbody, and then follows with a neckbreaker for two. Haku goes to the eyes, but Shawn gets a sunset flip for one. It’s BONZO GONZO and Barbarian gets dumped, and the Rockers both go up with a missile dropkick from Marty to set up a high cross from Shawn that finishes at 8:40. Super hot opener, with the classic big man v. little man dynamic. ***1/4 – Kerry Von Erich v. Dino Bravo. Kerry was already nearing the end of his usefulness to the WWF at this point, less than a year into his run with them. Bravo attacks to start and dumps Kerry, and they brawl outside. Back in, Kerry comes back with an atomic drop and slugs away, but Bravo blocks the clawhold. Kerry charges and hits knee, and Bravo follows with an atomic drop and elbow for two. Bravo tries the CLUBBING FOREARMS, but Kerry fights him off, so Bravo gets the sideslam for two. Kerry comes back with the claw and finishes with the Discus Punch at 2:45. Real bad. DUD – Warlord v. The British Bulldog. They fight over a lockup and Warlord gets a quick knee, but Bulldog overpowers him and he bails. Back in, Warlord counters a crucifix with a samoan drop, and we’re obviously clipped via a rant from Slick outside. Warlord tries the full-nelson, but Bulldog fights out and finishes with the powerslam at 2:30. About a million edits here, and that’s probably for the best. DUD – WWF tag team titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys. Sags gets a cheapshot out of the corner to start and pounds away, but Bret comes back with a Thesz Press and an atomic drop on Knobs. We’re clipped to Knobs coming in and going with Anvil, slugging away in the corner and losing that battle. Hiptoss out of the corner and Neidhart sends him to the floor, and the Nasties regroup again. Back in, Neidhart works the arm, but gets caught in the heel corner and Sags pounds him with forearms, until Neidhart brings Bret back in. Bret fires away in the corner on Sags and gets the legsweep, setting up the second-rope elbow for two. Knobs sneaks in and catches him with a clothesline from the back to turn the tide, however, and Bret gets dumped. Back in, Sags whips Bret around and gets a backbreaker for two. Sags goes to a rear chinlock, but Bret has a nice reversal into a neckbreaker. He tries for the tag, but Knobs draws Neidhart in, thus cutting it off, and goes back to the rear chinlock on Bret. Bret powers out to escape, and again they sucker Anvil in, but their double-team backfires, as Sags whips Knobs into the corner and Bret makes…a false tag to Anvil. The megaphone gets involved, but Knobs hits Sags by mistake, hot tag Neidhart. He cleans house and clotheslines both Nasties, and elbows Knobs down for two. Powerslam gets two. Bret comes in and it’s BONZO GONZO, as he chases Sags around, and into a collision with Knobs. The Harts get the Hart Attack on Knobs, but the ref escorts Bret out, and a helmet to the head of Anvil finishes at 8:55 and we have new champions. Solid stuff with all the tag team formula spots, although about 5 minutes was missing so the full version might have been better or worse, hard to say. *** – Blindfold match: Jake Roberts v. Rick Martel. This is a legendary match, for all the wrong reasons, as Martel blinded Jake to set it up. Maybe it was just the cheap rotgut he was drinking at the time? (Oh wait, I see I already made the joke that I inserted into the first rant. Whoops.) So yeah, both guys are wearing hoods, which they can obviously see through in reality. The idea is that Jake points to where Martel is, and the crowd cheers to lead him on. They wander around the ring and Jake trips Martel up for two. Martel pounds him on the mat and tries a backdrop, but Jake just moves out of the way. Now, why wouldn’t someone do that all the time? Talk about exposing the inherent logic gaps of the business. They bump into each other again, but they can’t find each other. Nothing like non-contact to spice up a match. Martel finally gets a slam, but Jake just stands up to dodge an elbowdrop. Martel accidentally gropes Damian and retreats to the other corner. Jake finally finds him and grabs a headlock, but Martel dumps him. Martel follows like an idiot and grabs a chair, but of course can’t find him. Back in, Martel gets a backbreaker and the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out. Martel is dazed, DDT, goodnight at 6:09. There’s a reason why you don’t see many blindfold matches…well…ever, really. -*** – Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker. Despite still being a heel, the pop Undertaker gets for the opening “bong” is pretty impressive. Callaway had the character down cold from day one. Snuka charges to start and gets hammered in the corner as a result. Taker chokes away and gets the flying clothesline, and then fights off a charge with a knee that sends Snuka to the floor. Suplex back in, but an elbow misses. Snuka tries to fight back with a headbutt, but misses a crossbody attempt and splats on the floor. Back in, Taker finishes with the tombstone at 4:18. The only purpose was to make Taker look like a killer, and that’s what it did. ½* (Not as much of an (alleged) killer as Snuka, but at least Taker could remember this the next morning. Oh yeah, Tamina something something Jimmy Snuka.) – Retirement match: Ultimate Warrior v. Randy Savage. In retrospect, the wrong guy went over. Thankfully, Warrior WALKS to the ring for once, conserving energy instead of blowing up in the first 30 seconds. They fight over a lockup to start and Savage actually gives a clean break, but Warrior powers him down. Savage knees him and goes to the eyes to gain the advantage, but Warrior overpowers him again and he bails. Back in, Warrior clotheslines him and gets a two-handed choke, into an atomic drop, both ways. See, Warrior can mix up the moveset when he needed to. Sherri tries running in, so Warrior tosses Savage into her and slugs Savage down. Savage gets tied in the ropes and Warrior stomps on him, then puts his head down and Savage hits him with the clothesline and goes up. Crossbody (!?) is caught by Warrior, but he just puts him down and slaps him. OOOOOOOO. Savage bails and tosses a chair in to distract the ref, then attacks Warrior from behind, but that gets him nowhere. This is cool because it’s about Savage losing his temper and Warrior not acting like a maniac for once, because it’s so important to him. Warrior stomps a mudhole in the corner and slugs Savage down, but misses a blind charge, his first high-impact offensive attempt, and Sherri gives him a shot on the floor. Savage follows with an axehandle to the floor, but Warrior shoves Sherri away, which again allows Savage to attack him. Again, when Warrior stays calm he’s in control, but when he loses it Savage takes over. Back in, Savage drops a knee for two. Gorilla then makes a ridiculous statement, that it’s the “largest audience in the history of PPV”, like they would know the buyrate an hour into the show. Warrior gets a backslide for two and Savage takes a powder, but Warrior catches him coming in with a clothesline. He misses the shoulderblock, however, and Savage gets two. We hit the chinlock and Warrior powers out, and they criss-cross into a double-clothesline, and both are out. Sherri distracts the ref while Warrior cradles Savage, and that gets two. Warrior loses his temper again and the ref gets bumped as a result, after a botched editing job, and Sherri goes in, hitting Savage with her shoe by mistake. Warrior goes after her again, again making a dumb mistake, and Savage rolls him up for two. Warrior slugs him down, but Savage sends him into the turnbuckle and necksnaps him. Another necksnap on the top and Savage clubs him down, slamming him for two. He goes up with the flying elbow, and then since it’s a special occasion, drops four more. You’d THINK would be enough to beat him, but it only gets two. Given that Savage was going to come back, they shouldn’t have done that, but it didn’t hurt the move in the long run, since Savage would start pinning guys with it again anyway. Warrior fights up, however, and slugs Savage down, setting up the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DOOM and the gorilla press. Unlike the year before, he has enough strength left to actually pull it off correctly this time. The splash…gets two. The crowd is a little shocked by that. Warrior gets all freaked out and talks to his hands (maybe Jake slipped him a little something before the match?) and apparently the answer is to walk away from the match, which allows Savage to recover. Savage knocks him off the apron and puts him on the railing, but misses the flying axehandle and knocks himself silly. And now it’s the big comeback for Warrior, as he tosses Savage back into the ring, hits him with three shoulderblocks, and ends his career (well, forever IS a short time in wrestling) at 20:47. Easily Warrior’s best match ever, and one of my personal favorites of all-time, as Warrior paced himself and they delivered a great storyline and Savage worked his ass off. ****1/2 This is THE reason to see this show. – And then of course the big angle which followed, as Sherri turned on the fallen Savage and beat on him, drawing Elizabeth out of the crowd to make the save and thus reunite with Savage and turn him into the #1 babyface in the promotion, moments after his “retirement”. It still works, no matter how many times, and they’d be well advised to try the same thing with Trish and Jericho on Sunday. (Quite the opposite happened, as Trish actually turned on Jericho and somehow boosted her career into another gear as a result. Oh man was Evil Trish HOT.) Unfortunately, Savage’s descent into dementia in the real world and Elizabeth’s ugly end while shacked up with Lex Luger would mean that the storybook romance wouldn’t have a happy ending, but sometimes it’s nice to remember when it MIGHT have. (How is it fair that ULTIMATE WARRIOR is the only guy left alive out of this match?) – Demolition v. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao. This is the Bryan Adams version of Demolition. Crush starts with Kitao, but gets kneed and hammered on the ropes. Mr. Fuji hits him with the cane for good measure, and Smash comes in, but Kitao brings Tenryu in, a young and spry 40 or so at that point, and he goes up with the elbow, but misses. Crush gets a backbreaker and Smash gets a backdrop suplex to set up Decapitation, but Kitao breaks it up. Crush goes back up, but gets shoved off again, and Tenryu hits Smash with an enzuigiri and powerbombs him for the pin at 2:50. No idea what the point of this was, but it sure sucked. Crush & Smash went their separate ways after this. DUD – Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman. This was the blowoff of the lengthy Bossman v. Heenan feud, with Bobby insulting Bossman’s mama for months, and Bossman running through the entire Heenan family to get revenge. Standard logic had Bossman going over to finish the job here. Gorilla again repeats the nonsense about the largest PPV audience. (But was it trending on Twitter?) Just to clarify, VI did a 3.8 buyrate, and this one did 2.8. They exchange slaps to start and Perfect does a spinning sell of one, and Bossman gives him a hairtoss. He slugs Perfect into the corner and gets a clothesline that Perfect oversells with zeal, and then tosses Perfect to the floor. Back in, another shot puts Perfect over the top again. Bossman goes after the Brain, however, and that allows Perfect to send him into the stairs. However, Andre the Giant heads out to even things up. In the ring, Perfect hammers on Bossman, while Andre grabs the IC title. Perfect rams Bossman into an exposed turnbuckle and goes after Andre, and gets the belt in the face for his troubles. Bossman comes back and gets two, and Haku & Barbarian run in for the DQ at 4:35. This didn’t get going at all, which is a shame because Bossman was on a killer run at the time. * – Earthquake v. Greg Valentine. Valentine had turned face by means which I don’t remember or care about. Quake attacks him in the corner and powerslams him for two. Blind charge misses and Hammer starts chopping and elbowing. Earthquake finally goes down and Valentine drops another elbow to set up the figure-four, but let’s face it, that’s pretty stupid. Jimmy Hart distracts him and Quake finishes with the butt splash at 3:14. ½* – The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory. The pre-match interview is longer and more entertaining than the match, as the LOD storm in, dispose of Hercules, and finish Paul Roma with the Doomsday Device at 0:55. This ended the usefulness of Power & Glory as a heel team, which was kind of a shame because they were really over and basically being used better than they had been in years. DUD (On the other hand, fuck Paul Roma.) – Ted Dibiase v. Virgil. Roddy Piper was “training” Virgil to build up to this and was in his corner, but had a motorcycle accident and thus he was on crutches. Virgil starts punching and Dibiase goes down, and bails. Back in, Virgil takes him down, so Dibiase responds with a drop toehold and chops him in the corner. Back elbow and gutwrench suplex get two. Dibiase tosses him and then shoves Piper down, and back in powerslams Virgil. Piper pulls down the ropes, however, and Dibiase is counted out at 4:36. Barely a match. ¼* Sherri makes her return, now aligned with Dibiase – The Mountie v. Tito Santana. Quick squash for the Mountie before the main event, as Tito gets a quick flying forearm, only to be shocked with the tazer and pinned at 1:19. DUD – WWF title match: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan. It’s weird, because even six years earlier this would have been quite the dream match. They fight over the lockup to start, and Hogan powers him down. The show may have bombed, but the heat is huge. Hogan grabs a headlock and overpowers him again. They brawl outside and Hogan goes after Adnan, which allows Slaughter to hit him with a chair. Hogan no-sells that and tosses him back in, but Slaughter goes to the eyes and slugs away. Back elbow and Slaughter drops some knees to work on the neck, but misses an elbow. Hogan comes back with a clothesline and goes after Adnan, then hits Slaughter with an elbow in the corner. Atomic drop gets two. They brawl outside again and back in, where Hogan gets the Axe Bomber for two. He sends Slaughter into the post and backdrops him out of the corner, then whips him into the corner again. High knee into the corner and Hogan catapults him into the post , as the ringpost proves to be a more effective worker than Hogan. Hogan follows him into the corner with a clothesline and fires away with punches, then back into the other turnbuckle again for two. Hotshot and elbows, and Hogan GOES UP? Adnan trips him up and Slaughter slams him off, and they brawl outside, where Slaughter chokes him out with a cable. Back in, he goes to work on the back and gets a backbreaker for two. He keeps stomping on the back and goes into a Boston crab, using Adnan for extra leverage. Hogan makes the ropes. Back to the back, as he drops knees on it and comes off the top with a knee for two. Weird spot as Adnan stupidly distracts the ref while Slaughter had a clear pinfall on Hogan. Slaughter hits Hogan with a chair, drawing blood, and I assume THAT’S where Adnan was supposed to be distracting the ref. Short clothesline sets up the camel clutch, and only in THIS storyline could a rear chinlock be a deadly finishing move. At least it made sense within the context of the match, and Slaughter’s abuse of the back. Hogan powers out of it like in 1984 against Sheik, but Slaughter apparently saw that match and reverses him into the corner. He covers Hogan with the flag and gets two, and it’s Hulk Up Time. Hogan rips up the flag, which is actually a huge breach of international etiquette, and it’s punch punch punch big boot legdrop and he’s a 3-time champion at 20:23. This was actually quite good for a Hogan match, with Slaughter bumping a lot and carrying the pace and psychology. ***1/2 Taken out of the context of the horrible storyline and tasteless buildup to the match, it’s actually a fine main event. The Bottom Line: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: This show gets a MAJOR bad rap, as there’s four ***+ matches and one genuine classic in Warrior-Savage. Sure, the rest is junk, but the crowd was really hot and the main event delivered, so I think it’s a worthwhile show. Mildly recommended. The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania VII – Yeah, this is a kind of a random choice, I know, but I’ve been meaning to do the full Anthology version of the show for months now and this is as good a night as any. Since we didn’t have PPV in Edmonton at the time, this is the first time I’ve ever seen anything besides the heavily edited Coliseum version of this show. – Live from the Los Angeles Coliseum LA Sports Arena – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a rotating cast of color commentators, mainly Bobby Heenan. First up is Hacksaw Duggan, introduced with entrance music dubbed over where he had none previously. I don’t get that. – This show, much like Summerslam 93 (upcoming as soon as the Summerslam Anthology gets here from Amazon), is draped in cynical patriotic fervor from the WWF in hopes of drawing a buyrate on the back of the first Iraq war. It didn’t work. The Rockers v. Haku & The Barbarian FACES OF FEAR~! Odd choice for an opener, as Haku & Barbarian had no backstory together other than being members of the Heenan Family. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn to start and runs him into the corner, but they criss-cross and Shawn takes him down with a shoulder tackle for one. The Rockers double-team with a hiptoss into a double elbow, but Barbarian DESTROYS them with a clothesline for a rare double 180 somersault sell by the Rockers. Truly a special night. Rockers regroup with a double superkick to put Barbarian on the floor, and the heels get some advice from Heenan. Normally I’d have a joke here, but you’ll have to insert your own tonight. (OK, here’s mine: Don’t ask Marty to pee in the cup for you.) Back in, Barbarian hammers Marty on the apron, but gets caught with a sunset flip that gets two. Marty tries working the arm, but a double headbutt flattens him. Marty tries a rana, but Barbarian drops him on the top rope and Jannetty is YOUR face in peril. Haku elbows him down for another somersault sell, and Barbarian gets a press slam and draws Shawn in with a cheapshot. Haku and Marty collide and Marty gets two. That was clearly a blown spot, but they worked through it. Haku gets a pair of nasty backbreakers and Barbarian gets two. Clothesline and bearhug follow, and Barbarian whips Marty into the corner to work the back. Marty comes out of there with a flying clothesline, but Barbarian catches him in mid-air with a powerslam. Good spot. Barbarian goes up for the diving headbutt, but it misses, and it’s hot tag Shawn. Back elbow for Haku and he slugs away on both heels, and a neckbreaker on Haku gets two. Sunset flip gets two. They double-dropkick Barbarian out of the ring and finish Haku with a Marty missile dropkick into Shawn’s flying bodypress at 10:33. Great opener, as the Rockers were peaking as a team just before they self-destructed. ***1/2 Meanwhile, Mean Gene interviews Regis Philbin, Alex Trebek and Marla Maples. One of these things does not have the same cultural status she did in 1991. Dino Bravo v. Kerry Von Erich Now here’s a depressing match for you. Both guys were rapidly on the way down the slippery slope as it was, and of course it ended badly for both. Bravo hammers away before Tornado can get his robe off, but he makes the comeback and they slug it out in the corner. That goes nowhere and Bravo gets a cheapshot, then drops an elbow for two. Side slam gets two. Bravo comes off the middle rope with a forearm shot that literally misses by a foot, but Kerry comes back with the claw and finishes with the discus punch at 3:10. Short and yet still god-awful. Kerry was just missing everything and couldn’t even hit the finisher properly. 1/2* The British Bulldog v. The Warlord Warlord pounds away to start, but Bulldog shoulderblocks him out of the ring. Back in, Bulldog with a crucifix, but Warlord drops down to counter and follows with an elbowdrop for two. Bearhug, and he drops Bulldog on the top rope for two. Belly to belly gets two. We hit the chinlock, but Bulldog elbows out and dropkicks him into the corner. Bulldog comes off the middle with a forearm, into a crossbody for two. Piledriver is countered into a backdrop, but Bulldog gets a sunset flip for two. Warlord clotheslines him down and it’s time for the Full-Nelson, but he’s no Chris Masters so Bulldog is able to power out. And since he’s had enough tonight, the powerslam finishes at 8:12. Not too shabby. **1/2 WWF World tag titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys Bret gets slugged down by Sags right away, but gets the Thesz Press and fights off both Nasties. He slingshots Sags in and starts on the arm, prompting Sags to tag out to Knobs. So Anvil comes in to match and pounds him in the corner, then hiptosses him over the top to clean house. Back in, he goes to the arm, but goes to the wrong corner. He quickly recovers and gets Bret in in for some punishment on Sags in the corner. Russian legsweep and elbow get two. However, he goes after Knobs and turns his back, which opens him up to getting clobbered from behind with a clothesline, and thus he’s the face-in-peril. Bret was also clearly the breakout star of the team at this point, and seemed bigger than the match. So Bret goes to the corner and Sags follows with a backbreaker for two. He gets a rear chinlock and Knobs stays on the back with the same. Back to Sags, who adds a neckbreaker for two. Back to the chinlock, but Bret escapes with his own neckbreaker. Knobs comes in and stays on the back, however, forcing Bret to power out. The Nasties try the Harts’ own double-whip, but Bret moves and it’s the false tag. Heel miscommunication gives us the real hot tag, however, and Anvil clotheslines everyone and gets two on Knobs. Powerslam gets two. Nasties collide again and the Hart Attack results, but Sags hits Anvil with the helmet and Knobs gets the pin and the titles at 12:01. Probably one of the best matches ever for the Nasties, although I still think a match against Money Inc. on a Coliseum video was better. This was more about Bret’s coming out party than elevating the Nasties in any meaningful way, and that’s fine. ***1/2 Blindfold match: Jake Roberts v. Rick Martel Martel was such a bland heel that even the old venerable “blinded babyface” angle turned into a bore in his hands. So the concept here is of course that both guys are hooded (and this cut of the show clearly shows that they can see through them), as they stumble around the ring for a bit before Jake gets a fluke rollup for two. Another stupid spot sees Martel putting his head down for a backdrop, but Jake just moves out of the way. Which leads to the question: Why wouldn’t you just do that all the time? The gag here is that Jake points to a location and the crowd cheers to indicate Martel’s location, Martel runs away, repeat. For amusing the crowd it’s a fine bit, but a real match it’s awful. Martel gets his hands on Jake and slams him, but misses an elbow because Jake gets up and he can’t see it. Like really, any halfway intelligent wrestler would, you know, WRESTLE his opponent to the ground rather than trying typical worked spots. Jake claps his hands to fake out Martel and then tries a takedown from behind, but Martel makes the ropes and we’re back to blindly wandering around the ring. This also brings up my biggest beef with this match: MARTEL DOESN’T CHEAT. He’s the fucking HEEL, he should be taking off his hood behind the ref’s back and then beating the shit out of Jake to get the heat. What kind of a pussy adheres to the stips? Jake tries a headlock and then falls to the floor (Bobby: “Excuse me…Martel! He’s on the floor!”) Martel follows him out and grabs a chair, but Jake drags him back in. Martel comes back with a backbreaker into the crab, but Jake escapes and finishes, thank god, with the DDT at 8:28. -**** Undertaker v. Jimmy Snuka Horrible overdub alert: Snuka’s music is replaced with generic up-tempo crap, so Fink has to redo his introduction. Really? They don’t have the rights to “Superfly” any longer? Did the guy at the beginning threaten to sue-sue-sue them? Thank you, I’ve been waiting to work that one in for like 5 years now. Anyway, Undertaker coldly puts Snuka down with the flying clothesline and drops the elbow, but that misses. Snuka fires back with chops, but tries a bodypress and lands on the floor instead. He fights back in for the apron and tries to slingshot back in, but Taker catches him and finishes with the tombstone at 4:15. And that is 1-0 for Undertaker. Can you even imagine? * (What I couldn’t imagine is a world where Snuka didn’t produce a daughter, who then grew up to be Tamina, daughter of WWE Legend Superfly Jimmy Snuka. That’s what I couldn’t imagine.) Retirement match: Randy Savage v. Ultimate Warrior Hey, isn’t that the lovely Elizabeth at ringside? More importantly, who’s her date? Man, that guy is about to get cock-blocked in the worst way. Warrior’s entrance is pretty reserved as compared to his usual, which was kind of the point. Savage goes with the cheapshot to start and pounds away, but Warrior puts him down with a shoulderblock and follows with a clothesline. Warrior chokes him down and gets an atomic drop from both ways, then tosses Savage into Sherri before slugging Savage down again. Macho gets tied in the ropes, but gets free and puts Warrior down with the hooking clothesline, then goes up with the flying bodypress, but Warrior catches him and sets him down to really egg him on. Oooo, BURN. Savage gets frustrated and tosses a chair in for the distraction, then blindsides Warrior, but Warrior calmly pounds him down and stomps a mudhole in the corner. Blind charge misses, however, and Warrior hits the floor, giving Sherri a chance to torment him. Savage follows with a flying axehandle to the floor, and sends Warrior into the post. Another shot from Sherri and they head back in for a Savage kneedrop that gets two. Warrior gets a backslide for two and Gorilla informs us “we’ve just been informed that this is the largest audience in the history of pay-per-view”. Really? In the middle of the show they got those numbers? (Obviously the Miz wasn’t headlining.) Warrior tries the flying shoulderblock, but Savage moves and gets two. That was a weak spot, actually. Savage goes to a sleeper, but Warrior fights out of it and they criss-cross into the double-clothesline. Warrior reverses a slam into the small package, but the ref is distracted by Sherri and it only gets two. Ref is bumped and Sherri gets more directly involved, but hits Savage with her shoe by mistake. Warrior goes after her, allowing Savage to get a rollup for two. Warrior slugs him down, but Savage sends him into the turnbuckles and it’s looking bad for Warrior. Slam gets two and Savage drops the big elbow, then gets really dramatic and drops FOUR MORE of them. You’d think that would do it, but it only gets two. Warrior powers up and makes the comeback with the three clotheslines and gorilla press, but the big splash only gets two. Maybe he should have done FIVE of them like Savage did. Warrior appeals to the gods for help, or maybe just the photographer in the rafters, who knows with this guy. No answer is forthcoming so he decides to walk out of the match and think it over, but Savage makes the decision for him and attacks. Savage tries to drop an axehandle onto the Warrior’s throat ala Ricky Steamboat, but he misses and splatters himself on the railing. And Warrior apparently has his message (perhaps God had voice mail and was just on another call at the time) because he heads back in and spears Savage out of the ring. Back in, second verse same as the first. One last shoulderblock and Savage is retired (with a bazillion more World titles yet to come) at 20:45. Still awesome, although the occasional goofed up spot and slightly anti-climactic ending leave it well short of perfection. ****1/2 And of course, Machiavellian Sherri attacks her former meal ticket afterwards like Lady Macbeth, leaving Elizabeth to make the unlikely save, finally getting physically involved on behalf of Savage after years of being the distraction and nothing more. And so they are reunited again and would have been the happy ending to Savage’s career, had it actually been the ending. The retirement proved to be pretty inconvenient because suddenly Savage was the #2 babyface in the promotion again and could have easily carried the belt. Anyway, I think I have dust in my eye, let’s move on… Demolition v. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao What a strangely random tag team match. Clearly this is after the intermission, which is brutal because we’re already two hours into this thing with two title matches to come. The pre-match interviews with Regis trying to interview the Japanese contingent and Trebek antagonizing Demolition are brutal. (On the Score in the segments after the commercials on this week’s RAW, Arda Ocal actually referenced those interviews as one of the dumbest moments in Wrestlemania history, and it’s hard to argue.) Speaking of brutal, “Demolition” is once again edited out, giving us Spooky Ghost Finkel. Crush attacks Kitao, but he fires back with forearms. Fuji hits him with the cane to give the Demos the advantage, but Kitao doesn’t really sell any of Smash’s goofy offense. Crush goes to the neck vice and Smash chokes him out. Kitao finally gets a random clothesline out of the corner and brings Tenryu in, but he misses an elbow off the top. Crush comes in with a backbreaker and Smash sets up for the finish, but Kitao pushes Crush off the top and Tenryu hits Smash with an enzuigiri and finishes with the powerbomb at 4:39. I don’t know WHAT they were going for here, but it probably wasn’t this. Demolition was thankfully put out to pasture as a concept after this. DUD Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman Finally, I can watch the uncut match. Another two-death match in a depressing series of them tonight. Four if you’re counting the referee and Andre. This was of course the culmination of Bobby Heenan insulting Big Bossman’s mother for months, resulting in Bossman mowing through the entire Heenan family. In hindsight, he should have won the title here. They had lots of time to put the belt back on Perfect before Bret got it anyway. Bossman’s music is overdubbed with the shitty Attitude era music, but thankfully Perfect’s theme survives. Bossman DISRESPECTS THE TOWEL and then spits on Perfect, and you know that’s not gonna stand. Bossman tosses Perfect around by the hair and then catches him with a clothesline out of the corner, as Perfect gives us his first somersault sell. Bossman tosses him to start the bumping officially . Back in, Perfect does the somersault bump out of the corner, and Bossman whips him with his belt for good measure. Perfect, however, is SMART and absorbs the punishment long enough to steal the belt, then wraps it around his fist and puts Bossman down with it. They slug it out in the corner and Perfect whips him into the turnbuckles, and then it’s a historic Gorilla moment: Mr. Perfect applies an abdominal stretch and Gorilla notes that it’s perfectly applied! That is the only time I’ve heard him fail to gripe about the foot not being hooked properly. Perfect releases and gets the necksnap, and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX, but sadly he’s wrong because Bossman reverses for two. Perfect fires back with an inverted version of the necksnap, and that’s just nasty. Perfect goes up and lands on Bossman’s boot, and Bossman posts him. Perfect bails to escape that, suckering Bossman out and into the STEEL stairs. Luckily, Andre the Giant is in the building to deal with these shenanigans, and he grabs the title belt from the timekeeper and then casually whacks Perfect with it. Perfect’s sell of that is epic. You’d think “title change” there, but no, it only gets two as the cavalry runs in for the DQ at 10:44. Much better than the edited Coliseum version, but the finish just totally fell apart because Andre was really slow in hitting his marks. But then, would YOU argue with him? ***1/4 Earthquake v. Greg Valentine Boy, that Greg Valentine face turn…what more can you say about it? Oh man, Chuck Norris interviewed at ringside many years before he became an internet meme. Quake pounds him in the corner and follows with the powerslam, but Hammer comes out of the corner with an elbow and pounds Quake down. Elbow off the middle rope and Valentine drops the Hammer, but Quake’s legs are too big for the figure-four. Another try, but Valentine gets distracted by Jimmy Hart, and Quake puts him away at 3:14. It was what it was. 1/2* The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory If you put together a “Paul Roma’s Greatest Moments” DVD, this would probably be high up on the list. Another two-death match. P&G attacks to start, but Animal powerslams Roma and the Doomsday Device finishes him at 1:00. There’s your Wrestlemania Moment, Paul. DUD Ted Dibiase v. Virgil Virgil’s inevitable slow-burn face turn was one where people had been waiting for years to see it, but once they did it they had nowhere else to go with the character. It’s a shame that UFC was still a few years away at this point, because a name change and refit into a MMA-style street fighter would have been a good gimmick direction for Virgil. The name change would have been an easy one as well, because he could be like “That was just the name you gave me!” and everyone would completely buy it. In fact, why would he continue calling himself “Virgil” after leaving Dibiase’s employ, anyway? Virgil uses the fisticuffsmanship to get Dibiase off his game to start, then slingshots him in from the apron. He clotheslines Dibiase back out again, and gets a back elbow for two in the ring. Dibiase bails and stalls, and back in he accuses Virgil of cheating to buy time. Virgil takes him down, but Dibiase gets his own drop toehold and rams him into the turnbuckles a few times. Piledriver gets two. Suplex gets two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. Virgil bails and Dibiase follows him out and beats up on the crippled Roddy Piper for good measure, because he’s AWESOME. Back in, powerslam for Virgil, but Piper uses his crutch to pull down the top rope and Dibiase is counted out at 7:35. This didn’t really go anywhere and was far eclipsed by their Summerslam match later that year. *1/2 Dibiase lays the beatdown on Virgil afterwards until Piper saves, but now Sherri changes teams and debuts as Dibiase’s new manager for a pairing that should have worked way better than it did. The storylines with Sherri siphoning off Dibiase’s millions could have written themselves. The Mountie v. Tito Santana And one last squash before the main event, just because this show wasn’t ridiculously long enough as it is. Tito gets the flying forearm right away and goes after Jimmy Hart, then hits Mountie with an atomic drop. Shock stick to the gut finishes for Mountie, however, at 1:18. DUD WWF World title: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan Hulk works the headlock to start and boots Slaughter down, but goes after Adnan and that allows Slaughter to attack with a chair. Not just any chair, but a Wrestlemania souvenir chair from the looks of it! Those hurt EXTRA, but Hulk no-sells it and they head back in. Slaughter pounds away in the corner and puts Hogan down with an elbow, then drops knees before missing an elbow. Bobby goes off on a funny run on Regis’ behalf about how he dislikes Hogan because “the men I managed never got any title shots”, which is such a ridiculously blatant lie that you have to love it. Hogan comes back and whips Slaughter around the ring, then backdrops him out of the corner. Catapult into the post and Gorilla declares that we’re seeing “The Hulkster of the 90s”. No, I’d say the Hulk of the 90s was yet to come, but kudos for trying to be timely. Corner clothesline gets two and Hulk goes AERIAL, but Slaughter catches him coming down. Hulk shakes it off and slams him, then drops the elbows before going up AGAIN. Slaughter slams him off the top to take over, and goes to work on the back. Clothesline misses by a good foot, but Hogan sells it and goes to the floor anyway. Sarge chokes him out with the TV cable, which is carrying the signal to the biggest PPV audience in the history of PPV you know, and back in Slaughter keeps pounding the back. Boston Crab, and Slaughter uses the old Arn Anderson trick of having Adnan push on his head for leverage, but Hogan makes the ropes. Slaughter stays on the back and goes up with a flying kneedrop, but Adnan actually distracts the ref while Slaughter is covering. It still gets two. Slaughter retrieves another chair and hits Hogan right in the bald spot, and we get blood from that. The REAR CHINLOCK OF DEATH seems to signal the end for Hulkamania, but much like those democracy-loving Kuwaitis, Hogan escapes the deathgrip of Iraq and makes the comeback. Big boot, legdrop, and it’s mission accomplished and Osama Bin Laden captured all in one pinfall at 20:21. Lex Luger probably would have won by countout. Gorilla declares that the war is now officially over that Hogan has won the title back. I’m sure all the soldiers in Kuwait were relieved to hear that. *** The Pulse Holy cow this show is LONG. The full version isn’t significantly different from the edited one in terms of making the show better or worse, but 3.5 hours is just way too long for a show that didn’t need junk filler like Earthquake v. Valentine and Tito Santana v. Mountie. Still kind of a forgotten and overly maligned show. Mild recommendation.
Wrestlemania Countdown: 7
8th March 2012 by Scott Keith
The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VII (2012 Scott sez: Jesus fuck, ANOTHER three-version Wrestlemania rant. Before I was married, I had so much time on my hands that I could apparently just sit around and watch the same damn shows OVER AND OVER. Actually, that’s pretty accurate, come to think of it.) – Live from Los Angeles, California and the Memorial Coliseum…oh, wait, that’s just in Vince’s dreams. It’s actually the much smaller Sports Arena. Bomb threat my ass… Original airdate: March 24, 1991 – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan, plus a host of others.– Opening match: The Rockers v. Haku & Barbarian. Yup, the Faces of Fear actually got started as a team in the WWF. Wicked move as the Rockers double-team Haku, but Barbarian runs in with a clothesline on both guys that results in a double-somersault-oversell. Cool stuff. The Rockers must not be stoned tonight. (Or, more accurately, they were getting better at hiding it.) Marty holds his own with Barbarian but gets caught in the corner and double-teamed, then stun-gunned while attempting a rana on Haku. Jannetty bumps like a madman to hold it together. A Barbarian flying headbutt misses, allowing Marty to hot tag Shawn, who does some nicely timed stuff to hold off the heels. Double dropkick on Haku and then a dropkick off the top from Marty leads to a bodypress off the top from Shawn for the pin. The Rockers could do no wrong at this point, and this is proof. *** – Kiss-ass celebrity interview segment with Regis Philbin, Marla Maples and Alex Trebek. – Kerry Von Erich v. Dino Bravo. Okay, this is just a little creepy, considering the current state of both guys. Nothing match as both guys had already outlived their usefulness to the federation, and there was a suicide watch on Kerry to boot. (No pun intended.) Bravo gets the side slam, but it only gets two. He follows with something off the second rope, but gets caught with the clawhold, and Von Erich finishes it with the discus punch, possibly the worst finisher in history. 1/4* (Hey now, there’s a long tradition of heroic muscle men winding up their punches to add maximum impact!) – The Warlord v. The British Bulldog. There was some sort of issue here that I might have cared about in 1991 but I can’t be bothered to remember it now. The match ran about 8 minutes originally and is clipped to about two here, thankfully. Warlord wears down Bulldog and gets the FULL-NELSON OF DOOM, but Bulldog breaks it and powerslams him for the pin. 1/4* – WWF World tag team title match: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys. Vince stole the Nasties from WCW a few months prior to this and I guess they wanted to justify the contracts or something. (I think “stole” is a bit strong, as WCW didn’t see much in them anyway.) This marks the end of the first phase of Bret’s WWF career. Nasties have zero heat. Jimmy Hart just happens to be wearing a motorcycle helmet. The subtlety just boggles the mind. We get a shot of Macauley Culkin in the crowd and Gorilla completely misses the significance. The Harts are just amazingly over, and they do the impossible and carry the Nasties to a watchable match here. Bret works in the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM early on. Match slows down (waaaaay down) as Sags works on Bret with a rear chinlock. Nasties blow a move, and we get the false tag to Neidhart. Sags gets nailed with the megaphone by mistake and Neidhart gets the tag for real. Nasties get demolished and Hart Attacked, but Bret gets escorted from the ring, allowing Sags to nail Neidhart with that conveniently present motorcycle helmet and win the WWF tag team titles. Better than it had any right to be. **1/2 (That helmet actually falls under the cinematic convention of establishing that the gun is present all the way in the first act of the movie and then paying it off at the end. Also known as the banana peel theory: Show the banana peel, show the banana peel, slip on the banana peel.) – Blindfold match: Rick Martel v. Jake Roberts. This one falls under “dumb ideas stolen from Kevin Sullivan”. The High Concept: Both guys are blindfolded, to symbolize Jake’s blindness at the hands of Martel. (Or from exceptionally cheap hooch. Grizzly Smith WAS a backwoods mountain man.) Jake encourages the crowd to cheer louder when he points to where Martel is. Not exactly much contact being made as they spend most of the match standing in the corners trying to figure out where the other guy is. Martel gets his hands on Jake, finally, and puts him in the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out, then gropes around long enough to find Martel and DDT him for the pin. There was maybe 5 points total where contact was made. Easily the worst-ever Wrestlemania match at –**** (I wouldn’t say “easily” in a world with Bossman v. Undertaker. I think this was written before that, though.) – Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker. Even in 91, the *Bong* got a good pop. Too bad it took another couple of years for them to figure out that turning out the lights made it even louder. This marks two years in a row that Snuka gets to be Designated Squash Victim. (More importantly, Snuka gets to be the guy who makes Undertaker 1-0) The flying clothesline gets a big pop. Undertaker manhandles Superfly with so little emotion that the fans don’t know what to make of him. Snuka slingshots into the ring, and was supposed to be caught and tombstoned, but someone messes up and UT has to put him down, then pick him up and tombstone him again. Either way, it’s an easy pin that actually gets a face pop for UT. DUD (Snuka’s Wrestlemania career may have ended here, but luckily his legacy lives on in his daughter, Tamina. Ironically, Tamina is also the daughter of WWE Legend Superfly Jimmy Snuka! And now you know the rest of the story.) – Retirement match: The Ultimate Warrior v. Randy Savage. Bobby Heenan points out that Elizabeth is sitting ringside. (Show the banana peel…) Geez, she couldn’t even get front row. Warrior wisely decides to not run to ringside. Savage takes his top off, showing that he means business. Doesn’t help, as Warrior methodically destroys Savage in a manner totally unlike him. Savage comes off the top but gets caught by Warrior, and then, in an Eddy Guerrero-like moment, Warrior simply puts him down and slaps him. Ooooo, you could get shot for doing shit like that in Mexico. Warrior paces himself nicely, slowly beating the hell out of Savage. He finally goes high-risk and misses a cross-corner charge, sending him flying out of the ring, where Sherri abuses him. Has Sherri been drinking “Ass Bulk 2000” or something? (No, but she did end up drinking booze and painkillers one time too many. Sad face.) Savage sends Warrior to the post and Sherri lays in more punishment. Warrior calmly comes back in the ring and clotheslines Savage out of his boots. Flying shouldblock misses and Savage gets two. Sleeper, and Warrior fights out, but they do the double-knockout bit. Warrior with a small package, but Sherri is distracting the ref. Savage decks Warrior from behind, bumping the ref in the process. But Sherri’s interference backfires and she knocks out Savage. Warrior chases her around, and gets cradled for two. Savage with a stun-gun and the running necksnap for two. Savage drops the big elbow! But it’s not enough, so he drops…FOUR MORE! Seriously, the guy drops five flying elbows on Warrior, just to be a dick. And it only gets two, which didn’t really matter at the time because Savage was supposed to be retiring anyway, so who cared if his move was ruined. (I have to wonder if they legitimately thought Savage was retiring at that point, because that was such a bizarre spot otherwise.) Warrior re-energizes and blitzes Savage with the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DEATH, then the Gorilla Press and splash. *That* only gets two, and now Warrior doesn’t know what to do. He has an epiphanic moment, as he talks to his hands, looking for advice. He starts to walk away from the match, but Savage jumps him from behind. (Gorilla Monsoon, normally a guy who doesn’t tolerate bullshit as an announcer, was beyond stupid here having to talk about Warrior speaking to his gods.) That’s apparently good enough an answer for Warrior, as he moves out of the way of the double-axehandle, sending Savage crashing to the steel railing. He tosses Savage back into the ring and spears Savage, which puts Savage onto the floor. He does it again, sending Savage out again. Finally he throws Savage back in one last time, hits the shoulderblock, and places a foot on his chest to win the match. Warrior’s best match ever. ****1/2 – Extra-curricular activities that lend this match it’s legendary status: Sherri is, shall we say, somewhat miffed at her money source being retired, so she takes out her frustrations on the beaten and helpless Savage. Big boos for that. And then, in one of the great moments of wrestling, Elizabeth finally takes an active role, running out of the audience to make the save and sending Sherri running. Savage wakes up and realizes what happened, then finally reconciles with Elizabeth after two years, bringing tears to every woman (and some of the men) in the arena. (Not me. Just dust in my eye from all the manly stuff I had been doing outside that day, like roping horses while smoking unfiltered Marlboros and drinking whiskey. In fact, it was probably the incredibly carcinogenic smoke that was in my eyes.) Unbelievably great booking as both Warrior and Savage go out on top with a face pop. As a symbolic gesture, Savage holds the ropes open for Liz before leaving, which is Savage’s way of apologizing for years of abuse. See, sometimes it *can* be Shakespeare, kids. Don’t ever let ’em tell you different. (Although if Vince wrote Hamlet, the hero would probably change his mind 14 times before revealing that he killed his own father and was working with Claudius all along.) – Demolition v. Genichiro Tenyru & Koji Kitao. Witness the last match for Demolition before Smash goes solo as Repo Man and Crush goes solo as Crush. No one knows or gives a shit about the Japanese faction, which makes me wonder about the point of this. Demos go for Decapitation, but Kitao pushes Crush off the top and Tenryu powerbombs Smash for the pin. This was nothing. 1/2* – Intercontinental title match: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman. (So many dead people on this show. Every time I go back and do a re-rant the list grows longer and longer. I’m only 37, I shouldn’t be watching all my childhood heroes dying before I even get to middle age.) Heenan started insulting Bossman’s mother in mid-1990, and Bossman responded by mowing down every member of Heenan’s family, leading up to a title match with Hennig. Hennig and Heenan reference Rodney King in the pre-match interview. Bossman mops up with Hennig, but he misses a charge outside the ring and hits the stairs. Heenan lays into Bossman, and Andre the Giant suddenly strides out of the dressing room to help Bossman! Well, as suddenly as Andre moved at the time. Andre grabs the title belt from ringside, and when Hennig lips him off about it, Andre casually smacks him with it, knocking him out. Bossman covers for two, and the nWo…er…Heenan Family runs in for the lame DQ. Hmm, that’s a weird ending for a show with nothing but clean pins up to that point. All standard logic pointed to Bossman winning the title here, but it didn’t happen. Still, the face went over, leaving the fans happy. ** – Earthquake v. Greg Valentine. Valentine turned face as MSG to set this up, and it ends just as briskly. Earthquake absorbs punishment from Hammer for a while and then finishes it with the Quake splash. * – The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory. The Parade O’ Squashes continues, as LOD wipes out Roma and Hercules in something like 8 seconds with the Doomsday Device. Next. DUD – Ted Dibiase v. Virgil. I assume y’all know the story here. Virgil turns on Dibiase at Royal Rumble to go face, and turns to Roddy Piper for training advice. This was just after Piper’s first hip replacement surgery, which is covered by a “motorcycle accident” story. (That doesn’t sound right to me. I think it actually was a motorcycle accident, although I could be thinking of Vince. My life is definitely easier in the age of Wikipedia, I’ll say that.) Virgil boxes with Dibiase to start, as he plays the role of a manager who is learning to wrestle, even though he really can wrestle. Dibiase gains control for a bit, then goes outside to shove the crippled Piper off his chair. Cheap but effective. Dibiase comes off the ropes and Piper hooks the ropes with the crutch, giving Virgil the countout win. I believe this was clipped. Dibiase puts Virgil out with the Million Dollar Dream and Piper limps in to make the save with his crutch, drawing Sherri out of the dressing room as Dibiase’s new manager. They destroy Piper’s knee for fun. Match is 1/2* if that. Danny Davis tries to take the crutch away from Piper and Piper lets him have it right in the nuts. EEEEEEEE-YOWCH! (Speaking as someone who spent a long stretch on crutches in my younger years, I can tell you that whacking someone in the junk with an aluminum crutch is a tremendous way to get them to never pick on you again.) – The Mountie v. Tito Santana. One last match before the main. You’d think Tito would have lost the Strike Force tights TWO YEARS after the breakup. Very quick match as Tito goes after Mountie in the ropes and Jimmy Hart gives Mountie the cattle prod to allow an easy pinfall. DUD – WWF World title match: Sgt. Slobber v. Hulk Hogan. One year after the most interesting angle of Hogan’s career (to that time, anyway), he’s back to fighting the Evil Foreign Menace. Hogan hammers on Sarge for the first 6 or 7 minutes, but Slaughter catches him coming off the top rope (!) to take control. Hogan blades after a chairshot. This is a really, really long match for Hogan. I would just like to note right now that I would give good money to see Hogan come back to the WWF and win the World title right away, then defend it at the Survivor Series. Against Bret Hart. With Vince McMahon at ringside. I think that would be enough of an apology for Bret. I’d love just to see the look on Hulk’s face after being screwed. That would be so glorious. (Of course, he DID come back to the WWF three years after I wrote that, and he DID win the World title right away, but sadly he dropped it in the ring to Undertaker.) Anyway, the usual Hogan match follows here, as Slobber puts him in the dread REAR CHINLOCK OF HIDEOUS DISCOMFORT, but Hogan fights out, rips up the Iraqi flag, hits the big boot and legdrop, and gets the WWF title for the third time. And that’s that. **1/4 The Bottom Line: This show has a bad rap for some reason, but barring the main event it’s really quite good for a WWF show. All the faces went over in the important matches, and the heels went over where it was needed to build them up. And the bad stuff was short. Recommended show. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VII (Once again, the middle portion of the rant, which I have no patience for, so probably don’t look for much here beyond a Tamina joke. The entire rant is basically the same, but with match times, so I don’t know why the fuck I bothered. These days I’m like “Oh man, can I squeeze in an hour of Wrestlemania 27 after Smackdown on Friday so I can do the whole thing before this year’s show?” and back then I’m randomly redoing perfectly cromulent rants because I had nothing else going on all day after I got home from work early in the morning.) – This is from an original Coliseum tape that I bought from a video store years ago, so it’s clipped. Fun fact: I’ve never seen the full version of this show, because they stopped showing Wrestlemania on closed-circuit after VI, and PPV didn’t come to Edmonton until Summerslam 92. This is also the last Coliseum version to be clipped, because from then on the PPV broadcast had to conform to the 2:40 standard. – Live from Los Angeles, CA. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a rotating crew of color men. – Opening match: Haku & Barbarian v. The Rockers. This was a weird time for the Rockers, because they were constantly trying to tease the breakup, but Shawn was having the best matches of his career up until that point. Common wisdom was the newly-pushed Haku & Barbarian getting the easy win here. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn and then rams him backfirst into the corner and whips him around, but Shawn escapes into a criss-cross, and gets a shoulderblock to take him down. They trade wristlocks and Haku slugs away, but Marty comes in for a double elbow…and Barbarian hits both of them with a clothesline, for a Double Jannetty Sell. They respond with a double superkick, and the heels bail. Good stuff. Back in, Barbarian chops on Marty and headbutts him down, but Marty uses speed to evade him and tries a sunset flip. Barbarian blocks it, so Marty goes up with a rana instead. That gets two. Barbarian headbutts him again and brings in Haku for more headbutts, but Marty tries another rana, which gets turned into a hotshot to turn the tide and make Marty YOUR alcoholic-in-peril. Haku with a back elbow and Barbarian adds some double-teaming, and then a press slam. He cuts off the tag by drawing Shawn in, and some shenanigans in the heel corner result. Marty & Haku collide, but Haku recovers first and stomps away. Marty takes another hard bump into the corner and Haku follows with a pair of backbreakers, and we’re clipped a bit to Barbarian going up and missing a diving headbutt. Hot tag Shawn and he hammers on Barbarian in the corner and hits Haku with a crossbody, and then follows with a neckbreaker for two. Haku goes to the eyes, but Shawn gets a sunset flip for one. It’s BONZO GONZO and Barbarian gets dumped, and the Rockers both go up with a missile dropkick from Marty to set up a high cross from Shawn that finishes at 8:40. Super hot opener, with the classic big man v. little man dynamic. ***1/4 – Kerry Von Erich v. Dino Bravo. Kerry was already nearing the end of his usefulness to the WWF at this point, less than a year into his run with them. Bravo attacks to start and dumps Kerry, and they brawl outside. Back in, Kerry comes back with an atomic drop and slugs away, but Bravo blocks the clawhold. Kerry charges and hits knee, and Bravo follows with an atomic drop and elbow for two. Bravo tries the CLUBBING FOREARMS, but Kerry fights him off, so Bravo gets the sideslam for two. Kerry comes back with the claw and finishes with the Discus Punch at 2:45. Real bad. DUD – Warlord v. The British Bulldog. They fight over a lockup and Warlord gets a quick knee, but Bulldog overpowers him and he bails. Back in, Warlord counters a crucifix with a samoan drop, and we’re obviously clipped via a rant from Slick outside. Warlord tries the full-nelson, but Bulldog fights out and finishes with the powerslam at 2:30. About a million edits here, and that’s probably for the best. DUD – WWF tag team titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys. Sags gets a cheapshot out of the corner to start and pounds away, but Bret comes back with a Thesz Press and an atomic drop on Knobs. We’re clipped to Knobs coming in and going with Anvil, slugging away in the corner and losing that battle. Hiptoss out of the corner and Neidhart sends him to the floor, and the Nasties regroup again. Back in, Neidhart works the arm, but gets caught in the heel corner and Sags pounds him with forearms, until Neidhart brings Bret back in. Bret fires away in the corner on Sags and gets the legsweep, setting up the second-rope elbow for two. Knobs sneaks in and catches him with a clothesline from the back to turn the tide, however, and Bret gets dumped. Back in, Sags whips Bret around and gets a backbreaker for two. Sags goes to a rear chinlock, but Bret has a nice reversal into a neckbreaker. He tries for the tag, but Knobs draws Neidhart in, thus cutting it off, and goes back to the rear chinlock on Bret. Bret powers out to escape, and again they sucker Anvil in, but their double-team backfires, as Sags whips Knobs into the corner and Bret makes…a false tag to Anvil. The megaphone gets involved, but Knobs hits Sags by mistake, hot tag Neidhart. He cleans house and clotheslines both Nasties, and elbows Knobs down for two. Powerslam gets two. Bret comes in and it’s BONZO GONZO, as he chases Sags around, and into a collision with Knobs. The Harts get the Hart Attack on Knobs, but the ref escorts Bret out, and a helmet to the head of Anvil finishes at 8:55 and we have new champions. Solid stuff with all the tag team formula spots, although about 5 minutes was missing so the full version might have been better or worse, hard to say. *** – Blindfold match: Jake Roberts v. Rick Martel. This is a legendary match, for all the wrong reasons, as Martel blinded Jake to set it up. Maybe it was just the cheap rotgut he was drinking at the time? (Oh wait, I see I already made the joke that I inserted into the first rant. Whoops.) So yeah, both guys are wearing hoods, which they can obviously see through in reality. The idea is that Jake points to where Martel is, and the crowd cheers to lead him on. They wander around the ring and Jake trips Martel up for two. Martel pounds him on the mat and tries a backdrop, but Jake just moves out of the way. Now, why wouldn’t someone do that all the time? Talk about exposing the inherent logic gaps of the business. They bump into each other again, but they can’t find each other. Nothing like non-contact to spice up a match. Martel finally gets a slam, but Jake just stands up to dodge an elbowdrop. Martel accidentally gropes Damian and retreats to the other corner. Jake finally finds him and grabs a headlock, but Martel dumps him. Martel follows like an idiot and grabs a chair, but of course can’t find him. Back in, Martel gets a backbreaker and the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out. Martel is dazed, DDT, goodnight at 6:09. There’s a reason why you don’t see many blindfold matches…well…ever, really. -*** – Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker. Despite still being a heel, the pop Undertaker gets for the opening “bong” is pretty impressive. Callaway had the character down cold from day one. Snuka charges to start and gets hammered in the corner as a result. Taker chokes away and gets the flying clothesline, and then fights off a charge with a knee that sends Snuka to the floor. Suplex back in, but an elbow misses. Snuka tries to fight back with a headbutt, but misses a crossbody attempt and splats on the floor. Back in, Taker finishes with the tombstone at 4:18. The only purpose was to make Taker look like a killer, and that’s what it did. ½* (Not as much of an (alleged) killer as Snuka, but at least Taker could remember this the next morning. Oh yeah, Tamina something something Jimmy Snuka.) – Retirement match: Ultimate Warrior v. Randy Savage. In retrospect, the wrong guy went over. Thankfully, Warrior WALKS to the ring for once, conserving energy instead of blowing up in the first 30 seconds. They fight over a lockup to start and Savage actually gives a clean break, but Warrior powers him down. Savage knees him and goes to the eyes to gain the advantage, but Warrior overpowers him again and he bails. Back in, Warrior clotheslines him and gets a two-handed choke, into an atomic drop, both ways. See, Warrior can mix up the moveset when he needed to. Sherri tries running in, so Warrior tosses Savage into her and slugs Savage down. Savage gets tied in the ropes and Warrior stomps on him, then puts his head down and Savage hits him with the clothesline and goes up. Crossbody (!?) is caught by Warrior, but he just puts him down and slaps him. OOOOOOOO. Savage bails and tosses a chair in to distract the ref, then attacks Warrior from behind, but that gets him nowhere. This is cool because it’s about Savage losing his temper and Warrior not acting like a maniac for once, because it’s so important to him. Warrior stomps a mudhole in the corner and slugs Savage down, but misses a blind charge, his first high-impact offensive attempt, and Sherri gives him a shot on the floor. Savage follows with an axehandle to the floor, but Warrior shoves Sherri away, which again allows Savage to attack him. Again, when Warrior stays calm he’s in control, but when he loses it Savage takes over. Back in, Savage drops a knee for two. Gorilla then makes a ridiculous statement, that it’s the “largest audience in the history of PPV”, like they would know the buyrate an hour into the show. Warrior gets a backslide for two and Savage takes a powder, but Warrior catches him coming in with a clothesline. He misses the shoulderblock, however, and Savage gets two. We hit the chinlock and Warrior powers out, and they criss-cross into a double-clothesline, and both are out. Sherri distracts the ref while Warrior cradles Savage, and that gets two. Warrior loses his temper again and the ref gets bumped as a result, after a botched editing job, and Sherri goes in, hitting Savage with her shoe by mistake. Warrior goes after her again, again making a dumb mistake, and Savage rolls him up for two. Warrior slugs him down, but Savage sends him into the turnbuckle and necksnaps him. Another necksnap on the top and Savage clubs him down, slamming him for two. He goes up with the flying elbow, and then since it’s a special occasion, drops four more. You’d THINK would be enough to beat him, but it only gets two. Given that Savage was going to come back, they shouldn’t have done that, but it didn’t hurt the move in the long run, since Savage would start pinning guys with it again anyway. Warrior fights up, however, and slugs Savage down, setting up the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DOOM and the gorilla press. Unlike the year before, he has enough strength left to actually pull it off correctly this time. The splash…gets two. The crowd is a little shocked by that. Warrior gets all freaked out and talks to his hands (maybe Jake slipped him a little something before the match?) and apparently the answer is to walk away from the match, which allows Savage to recover. Savage knocks him off the apron and puts him on the railing, but misses the flying axehandle and knocks himself silly. And now it’s the big comeback for Warrior, as he tosses Savage back into the ring, hits him with three shoulderblocks, and ends his career (well, forever IS a short time in wrestling) at 20:47. Easily Warrior’s best match ever, and one of my personal favorites of all-time, as Warrior paced himself and they delivered a great storyline and Savage worked his ass off. ****1/2 This is THE reason to see this show. – And then of course the big angle which followed, as Sherri turned on the fallen Savage and beat on him, drawing Elizabeth out of the crowd to make the save and thus reunite with Savage and turn him into the #1 babyface in the promotion, moments after his “retirement”. It still works, no matter how many times, and they’d be well advised to try the same thing with Trish and Jericho on Sunday. (Quite the opposite happened, as Trish actually turned on Jericho and somehow boosted her career into another gear as a result. Oh man was Evil Trish HOT.) Unfortunately, Savage’s descent into dementia in the real world and Elizabeth’s ugly end while shacked up with Lex Luger would mean that the storybook romance wouldn’t have a happy ending, but sometimes it’s nice to remember when it MIGHT have. (How is it fair that ULTIMATE WARRIOR is the only guy left alive out of this match?) – Demolition v. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao. This is the Bryan Adams version of Demolition. Crush starts with Kitao, but gets kneed and hammered on the ropes. Mr. Fuji hits him with the cane for good measure, and Smash comes in, but Kitao brings Tenryu in, a young and spry 40 or so at that point, and he goes up with the elbow, but misses. Crush gets a backbreaker and Smash gets a backdrop suplex to set up Decapitation, but Kitao breaks it up. Crush goes back up, but gets shoved off again, and Tenryu hits Smash with an enzuigiri and powerbombs him for the pin at 2:50. No idea what the point of this was, but it sure sucked. Crush & Smash went their separate ways after this. DUD – Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman. This was the blowoff of the lengthy Bossman v. Heenan feud, with Bobby insulting Bossman’s mama for months, and Bossman running through the entire Heenan family to get revenge. Standard logic had Bossman going over to finish the job here. Gorilla again repeats the nonsense about the largest PPV audience. (But was it trending on Twitter?) Just to clarify, VI did a 3.8 buyrate, and this one did 2.8. They exchange slaps to start and Perfect does a spinning sell of one, and Bossman gives him a hairtoss. He slugs Perfect into the corner and gets a clothesline that Perfect oversells with zeal, and then tosses Perfect to the floor. Back in, another shot puts Perfect over the top again. Bossman goes after the Brain, however, and that allows Perfect to send him into the stairs. However, Andre the Giant heads out to even things up. In the ring, Perfect hammers on Bossman, while Andre grabs the IC title. Perfect rams Bossman into an exposed turnbuckle and goes after Andre, and gets the belt in the face for his troubles. Bossman comes back and gets two, and Haku & Barbarian run in for the DQ at 4:35. This didn’t get going at all, which is a shame because Bossman was on a killer run at the time. * – Earthquake v. Greg Valentine. Valentine had turned face by means which I don’t remember or care about. Quake attacks him in the corner and powerslams him for two. Blind charge misses and Hammer starts chopping and elbowing. Earthquake finally goes down and Valentine drops another elbow to set up the figure-four, but let’s face it, that’s pretty stupid. Jimmy Hart distracts him and Quake finishes with the butt splash at 3:14. ½* – The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory. The pre-match interview is longer and more entertaining than the match, as the LOD storm in, dispose of Hercules, and finish Paul Roma with the Doomsday Device at 0:55. This ended the usefulness of Power & Glory as a heel team, which was kind of a shame because they were really over and basically being used better than they had been in years. DUD (On the other hand, fuck Paul Roma.) – Ted Dibiase v. Virgil. Roddy Piper was “training” Virgil to build up to this and was in his corner, but had a motorcycle accident and thus he was on crutches. Virgil starts punching and Dibiase goes down, and bails. Back in, Virgil takes him down, so Dibiase responds with a drop toehold and chops him in the corner. Back elbow and gutwrench suplex get two. Dibiase tosses him and then shoves Piper down, and back in powerslams Virgil. Piper pulls down the ropes, however, and Dibiase is counted out at 4:36. Barely a match. ¼* Sherri makes her return, now aligned with Dibiase – The Mountie v. Tito Santana. Quick squash for the Mountie before the main event, as Tito gets a quick flying forearm, only to be shocked with the tazer and pinned at 1:19. DUD – WWF title match: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan. It’s weird, because even six years earlier this would have been quite the dream match. They fight over the lockup to start, and Hogan powers him down. The show may have bombed, but the heat is huge. Hogan grabs a headlock and overpowers him again. They brawl outside and Hogan goes after Adnan, which allows Slaughter to hit him with a chair. Hogan no-sells that and tosses him back in, but Slaughter goes to the eyes and slugs away. Back elbow and Slaughter drops some knees to work on the neck, but misses an elbow. Hogan comes back with a clothesline and goes after Adnan, then hits Slaughter with an elbow in the corner. Atomic drop gets two. They brawl outside again and back in, where Hogan gets the Axe Bomber for two. He sends Slaughter into the post and backdrops him out of the corner, then whips him into the corner again. High knee into the corner and Hogan catapults him into the post , as the ringpost proves to be a more effective worker than Hogan. Hogan follows him into the corner with a clothesline and fires away with punches, then back into the other turnbuckle again for two. Hotshot and elbows, and Hogan GOES UP? Adnan trips him up and Slaughter slams him off, and they brawl outside, where Slaughter chokes him out with a cable. Back in, he goes to work on the back and gets a backbreaker for two. He keeps stomping on the back and goes into a Boston crab, using Adnan for extra leverage. Hogan makes the ropes. Back to the back, as he drops knees on it and comes off the top with a knee for two. Weird spot as Adnan stupidly distracts the ref while Slaughter had a clear pinfall on Hogan. Slaughter hits Hogan with a chair, drawing blood, and I assume THAT’S where Adnan was supposed to be distracting the ref. Short clothesline sets up the camel clutch, and only in THIS storyline could a rear chinlock be a deadly finishing move. At least it made sense within the context of the match, and Slaughter’s abuse of the back. Hogan powers out of it like in 1984 against Sheik, but Slaughter apparently saw that match and reverses him into the corner. He covers Hogan with the flag and gets two, and it’s Hulk Up Time. Hogan rips up the flag, which is actually a huge breach of international etiquette, and it’s punch punch punch big boot legdrop and he’s a 3-time champion at 20:23. This was actually quite good for a Hogan match, with Slaughter bumping a lot and carrying the pace and psychology. ***1/2 Taken out of the context of the horrible storyline and tasteless buildup to the match, it’s actually a fine main event. The Bottom Line: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: This show gets a MAJOR bad rap, as there’s four ***+ matches and one genuine classic in Warrior-Savage. Sure, the rest is junk, but the crowd was really hot and the main event delivered, so I think it’s a worthwhile show. Mildly recommended. The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania VII – Yeah, this is a kind of a random choice, I know, but I’ve been meaning to do the full Anthology version of the show for months now and this is as good a night as any. Since we didn’t have PPV in Edmonton at the time, this is the first time I’ve ever seen anything besides the heavily edited Coliseum version of this show. – Live from the Los Angeles Coliseum LA Sports Arena – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a rotating cast of color commentators, mainly Bobby Heenan. First up is Hacksaw Duggan, introduced with entrance music dubbed over where he had none previously. I don’t get that. – This show, much like Summerslam 93 (upcoming as soon as the Summerslam Anthology gets here from Amazon), is draped in cynical patriotic fervor from the WWF in hopes of drawing a buyrate on the back of the first Iraq war. It didn’t work. The Rockers v. Haku & The Barbarian FACES OF FEAR~! Odd choice for an opener, as Haku & Barbarian had no backstory together other than being members of the Heenan Family. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn to start and runs him into the corner, but they criss-cross and Shawn takes him down with a shoulder tackle for one. The Rockers double-team with a hiptoss into a double elbow, but Barbarian DESTROYS them with a clothesline for a rare double 180 somersault sell by the Rockers. Truly a special night. Rockers regroup with a double superkick to put Barbarian on the floor, and the heels get some advice from Heenan. Normally I’d have a joke here, but you’ll have to insert your own tonight. (OK, here’s mine: Don’t ask Marty to pee in the cup for you.) Back in, Barbarian hammers Marty on the apron, but gets caught with a sunset flip that gets two. Marty tries working the arm, but a double headbutt flattens him. Marty tries a rana, but Barbarian drops him on the top rope and Jannetty is YOUR face in peril. Haku elbows him down for another somersault sell, and Barbarian gets a press slam and draws Shawn in with a cheapshot. Haku and Marty collide and Marty gets two. That was clearly a blown spot, but they worked through it. Haku gets a pair of nasty backbreakers and Barbarian gets two. Clothesline and bearhug follow, and Barbarian whips Marty into the corner to work the back. Marty comes out of there with a flying clothesline, but Barbarian catches him in mid-air with a powerslam. Good spot. Barbarian goes up for the diving headbutt, but it misses, and it’s hot tag Shawn. Back elbow for Haku and he slugs away on both heels, and a neckbreaker on Haku gets two. Sunset flip gets two. They double-dropkick Barbarian out of the ring and finish Haku with a Marty missile dropkick into Shawn’s flying bodypress at 10:33. Great opener, as the Rockers were peaking as a team just before they self-destructed. ***1/2 Meanwhile, Mean Gene interviews Regis Philbin, Alex Trebek and Marla Maples. One of these things does not have the same cultural status she did in 1991. Dino Bravo v. Kerry Von Erich Now here’s a depressing match for you. Both guys were rapidly on the way down the slippery slope as it was, and of course it ended badly for both. Bravo hammers away before Tornado can get his robe off, but he makes the comeback and they slug it out in the corner. That goes nowhere and Bravo gets a cheapshot, then drops an elbow for two. Side slam gets two. Bravo comes off the middle rope with a forearm shot that literally misses by a foot, but Kerry comes back with the claw and finishes with the discus punch at 3:10. Short and yet still god-awful. Kerry was just missing everything and couldn’t even hit the finisher properly. 1/2* The British Bulldog v. The Warlord Warlord pounds away to start, but Bulldog shoulderblocks him out of the ring. Back in, Bulldog with a crucifix, but Warlord drops down to counter and follows with an elbowdrop for two. Bearhug, and he drops Bulldog on the top rope for two. Belly to belly gets two. We hit the chinlock, but Bulldog elbows out and dropkicks him into the corner. Bulldog comes off the middle with a forearm, into a crossbody for two. Piledriver is countered into a backdrop, but Bulldog gets a sunset flip for two. Warlord clotheslines him down and it’s time for the Full-Nelson, but he’s no Chris Masters so Bulldog is able to power out. And since he’s had enough tonight, the powerslam finishes at 8:12. Not too shabby. **1/2 WWF World tag titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys Bret gets slugged down by Sags right away, but gets the Thesz Press and fights off both Nasties. He slingshots Sags in and starts on the arm, prompting Sags to tag out to Knobs. So Anvil comes in to match and pounds him in the corner, then hiptosses him over the top to clean house. Back in, he goes to the arm, but goes to the wrong corner. He quickly recovers and gets Bret in in for some punishment on Sags in the corner. Russian legsweep and elbow get two. However, he goes after Knobs and turns his back, which opens him up to getting clobbered from behind with a clothesline, and thus he’s the face-in-peril. Bret was also clearly the breakout star of the team at this point, and seemed bigger than the match. So Bret goes to the corner and Sags follows with a backbreaker for two. He gets a rear chinlock and Knobs stays on the back with the same. Back to Sags, who adds a neckbreaker for two. Back to the chinlock, but Bret escapes with his own neckbreaker. Knobs comes in and stays on the back, however, forcing Bret to power out. The Nasties try the Harts’ own double-whip, but Bret moves and it’s the false tag. Heel miscommunication gives us the real hot tag, however, and Anvil clotheslines everyone and gets two on Knobs. Powerslam gets two. Nasties collide again and the Hart Attack results, but Sags hits Anvil with the helmet and Knobs gets the pin and the titles at 12:01. Probably one of the best matches ever for the Nasties, although I still think a match against Money Inc. on a Coliseum video was better. This was more about Bret’s coming out party than elevating the Nasties in any meaningful way, and that’s fine. ***1/2 Blindfold match: Jake Roberts v. Rick Martel Martel was such a bland heel that even the old venerable “blinded babyface” angle turned into a bore in his hands. So the concept here is of course that both guys are hooded (and this cut of the show clearly shows that they can see through them), as they stumble around the ring for a bit before Jake gets a fluke rollup for two. Another stupid spot sees Martel putting his head down for a backdrop, but Jake just moves out of the way. Which leads to the question: Why wouldn’t you just do that all the time? The gag here is that Jake points to a location and the crowd cheers to indicate Martel’s location, Martel runs away, repeat. For amusing the crowd it’s a fine bit, but a real match it’s awful. Martel gets his hands on Jake and slams him, but misses an elbow because Jake gets up and he can’t see it. Like really, any halfway intelligent wrestler would, you know, WRESTLE his opponent to the ground rather than trying typical worked spots. Jake claps his hands to fake out Martel and then tries a takedown from behind, but Martel makes the ropes and we’re back to blindly wandering around the ring. This also brings up my biggest beef with this match: MARTEL DOESN’T CHEAT. He’s the fucking HEEL, he should be taking off his hood behind the ref’s back and then beating the shit out of Jake to get the heat. What kind of a pussy adheres to the stips? Jake tries a headlock and then falls to the floor (Bobby: “Excuse me…Martel! He’s on the floor!”) Martel follows him out and grabs a chair, but Jake drags him back in. Martel comes back with a backbreaker into the crab, but Jake escapes and finishes, thank god, with the DDT at 8:28. -**** Undertaker v. Jimmy Snuka Horrible overdub alert: Snuka’s music is replaced with generic up-tempo crap, so Fink has to redo his introduction. Really? They don’t have the rights to “Superfly” any longer? Did the guy at the beginning threaten to sue-sue-sue them? Thank you, I’ve been waiting to work that one in for like 5 years now. Anyway, Undertaker coldly puts Snuka down with the flying clothesline and drops the elbow, but that misses. Snuka fires back with chops, but tries a bodypress and lands on the floor instead. He fights back in for the apron and tries to slingshot back in, but Taker catches him and finishes with the tombstone at 4:15. And that is 1-0 for Undertaker. Can you even imagine? * (What I couldn’t imagine is a world where Snuka didn’t produce a daughter, who then grew up to be Tamina, daughter of WWE Legend Superfly Jimmy Snuka. That’s what I couldn’t imagine.) Retirement match: Randy Savage v. Ultimate Warrior Hey, isn’t that the lovely Elizabeth at ringside? More importantly, who’s her date? Man, that guy is about to get cock-blocked in the worst way. Warrior’s entrance is pretty reserved as compared to his usual, which was kind of the point. Savage goes with the cheapshot to start and pounds away, but Warrior puts him down with a shoulderblock and follows with a clothesline. Warrior chokes him down and gets an atomic drop from both ways, then tosses Savage into Sherri before slugging Savage down again. Macho gets tied in the ropes, but gets free and puts Warrior down with the hooking clothesline, then goes up with the flying bodypress, but Warrior catches him and sets him down to really egg him on. Oooo, BURN. Savage gets frustrated and tosses a chair in for the distraction, then blindsides Warrior, but Warrior calmly pounds him down and stomps a mudhole in the corner. Blind charge misses, however, and Warrior hits the floor, giving Sherri a chance to torment him. Savage follows with a flying axehandle to the floor, and sends Warrior into the post. Another shot from Sherri and they head back in for a Savage kneedrop that gets two. Warrior gets a backslide for two and Gorilla informs us “we’ve just been informed that this is the largest audience in the history of pay-per-view”. Really? In the middle of the show they got those numbers? (Obviously the Miz wasn’t headlining.) Warrior tries the flying shoulderblock, but Savage moves and gets two. That was a weak spot, actually. Savage goes to a sleeper, but Warrior fights out of it and they criss-cross into the double-clothesline. Warrior reverses a slam into the small package, but the ref is distracted by Sherri and it only gets two. Ref is bumped and Sherri gets more directly involved, but hits Savage with her shoe by mistake. Warrior goes after her, allowing Savage to get a rollup for two. Warrior slugs him down, but Savage sends him into the turnbuckles and it’s looking bad for Warrior. Slam gets two and Savage drops the big elbow, then gets really dramatic and drops FOUR MORE of them. You’d think that would do it, but it only gets two. Warrior powers up and makes the comeback with the three clotheslines and gorilla press, but the big splash only gets two. Maybe he should have done FIVE of them like Savage did. Warrior appeals to the gods for help, or maybe just the photographer in the rafters, who knows with this guy. No answer is forthcoming so he decides to walk out of the match and think it over, but Savage makes the decision for him and attacks. Savage tries to drop an axehandle onto the Warrior’s throat ala Ricky Steamboat, but he misses and splatters himself on the railing. And Warrior apparently has his message (perhaps God had voice mail and was just on another call at the time) because he heads back in and spears Savage out of the ring. Back in, second verse same as the first. One last shoulderblock and Savage is retired (with a bazillion more World titles yet to come) at 20:45. Still awesome, although the occasional goofed up spot and slightly anti-climactic ending leave it well short of perfection. ****1/2 And of course, Machiavellian Sherri attacks her former meal ticket afterwards like Lady Macbeth, leaving Elizabeth to make the unlikely save, finally getting physically involved on behalf of Savage after years of being the distraction and nothing more. And so they are reunited again and would have been the happy ending to Savage’s career, had it actually been the ending. The retirement proved to be pretty inconvenient because suddenly Savage was the #2 babyface in the promotion again and could have easily carried the belt. Anyway, I think I have dust in my eye, let’s move on… Demolition v. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao What a strangely random tag team match. Clearly this is after the intermission, which is brutal because we’re already two hours into this thing with two title matches to come. The pre-match interviews with Regis trying to interview the Japanese contingent and Trebek antagonizing Demolition are brutal. (On the Score in the segments after the commercials on this week’s RAW, Arda Ocal actually referenced those interviews as one of the dumbest moments in Wrestlemania history, and it’s hard to argue.) Speaking of brutal, “Demolition” is once again edited out, giving us Spooky Ghost Finkel. Crush attacks Kitao, but he fires back with forearms. Fuji hits him with the cane to give the Demos the advantage, but Kitao doesn’t really sell any of Smash’s goofy offense. Crush goes to the neck vice and Smash chokes him out. Kitao finally gets a random clothesline out of the corner and brings Tenryu in, but he misses an elbow off the top. Crush comes in with a backbreaker and Smash sets up for the finish, but Kitao pushes Crush off the top and Tenryu hits Smash with an enzuigiri and finishes with the powerbomb at 4:39. I don’t know WHAT they were going for here, but it probably wasn’t this. Demolition was thankfully put out to pasture as a concept after this. DUD Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman Finally, I can watch the uncut match. Another two-death match in a depressing series of them tonight. Four if you’re counting the referee and Andre. This was of course the culmination of Bobby Heenan insulting Big Bossman’s mother for months, resulting in Bossman mowing through the entire Heenan family. In hindsight, he should have won the title here. They had lots of time to put the belt back on Perfect before Bret got it anyway. Bossman’s music is overdubbed with the shitty Attitude era music, but thankfully Perfect’s theme survives. Bossman DISRESPECTS THE TOWEL and then spits on Perfect, and you know that’s not gonna stand. Bossman tosses Perfect around by the hair and then catches him with a clothesline out of the corner, as Perfect gives us his first somersault sell. Bossman tosses him to start the bumping officially . Back in, Perfect does the somersault bump out of the corner, and Bossman whips him with his belt for good measure. Perfect, however, is SMART and absorbs the punishment long enough to steal the belt, then wraps it around his fist and puts Bossman down with it. They slug it out in the corner and Perfect whips him into the turnbuckles, and then it’s a historic Gorilla moment: Mr. Perfect applies an abdominal stretch and Gorilla notes that it’s perfectly applied! That is the only time I’ve heard him fail to gripe about the foot not being hooked properly. Perfect releases and gets the necksnap, and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX, but sadly he’s wrong because Bossman reverses for two. Perfect fires back with an inverted version of the necksnap, and that’s just nasty. Perfect goes up and lands on Bossman’s boot, and Bossman posts him. Perfect bails to escape that, suckering Bossman out and into the STEEL stairs. Luckily, Andre the Giant is in the building to deal with these shenanigans, and he grabs the title belt from the timekeeper and then casually whacks Perfect with it. Perfect’s sell of that is epic. You’d think “title change” there, but no, it only gets two as the cavalry runs in for the DQ at 10:44. Much better than the edited Coliseum version, but the finish just totally fell apart because Andre was really slow in hitting his marks. But then, would YOU argue with him? ***1/4 Earthquake v. Greg Valentine Boy, that Greg Valentine face turn…what more can you say about it? Oh man, Chuck Norris interviewed at ringside many years before he became an internet meme. Quake pounds him in the corner and follows with the powerslam, but Hammer comes out of the corner with an elbow and pounds Quake down. Elbow off the middle rope and Valentine drops the Hammer, but Quake’s legs are too big for the figure-four. Another try, but Valentine gets distracted by Jimmy Hart, and Quake puts him away at 3:14. It was what it was. 1/2* The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory If you put together a “Paul Roma’s Greatest Moments” DVD, this would probably be high up on the list. Another two-death match. P&G attacks to start, but Animal powerslams Roma and the Doomsday Device finishes him at 1:00. There’s your Wrestlemania Moment, Paul. DUD Ted Dibiase v. Virgil Virgil’s inevitable slow-burn face turn was one where people had been waiting for years to see it, but once they did it they had nowhere else to go with the character. It’s a shame that UFC was still a few years away at this point, because a name change and refit into a MMA-style street fighter would have been a good gimmick direction for Virgil. The name change would have been an easy one as well, because he could be like “That was just the name you gave me!” and everyone would completely buy it. In fact, why would he continue calling himself “Virgil” after leaving Dibiase’s employ, anyway? Virgil uses the fisticuffsmanship to get Dibiase off his game to start, then slingshots him in from the apron. He clotheslines Dibiase back out again, and gets a back elbow for two in the ring. Dibiase bails and stalls, and back in he accuses Virgil of cheating to buy time. Virgil takes him down, but Dibiase gets his own drop toehold and rams him into the turnbuckles a few times. Piledriver gets two. Suplex gets two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. Virgil bails and Dibiase follows him out and beats up on the crippled Roddy Piper for good measure, because he’s AWESOME. Back in, powerslam for Virgil, but Piper uses his crutch to pull down the top rope and Dibiase is counted out at 7:35. This didn’t really go anywhere and was far eclipsed by their Summerslam match later that year. *1/2 Dibiase lays the beatdown on Virgil afterwards until Piper saves, but now Sherri changes teams and debuts as Dibiase’s new manager for a pairing that should have worked way better than it did. The storylines with Sherri siphoning off Dibiase’s millions could have written themselves. The Mountie v. Tito Santana And one last squash before the main event, just because this show wasn’t ridiculously long enough as it is. Tito gets the flying forearm right away and goes after Jimmy Hart, then hits Mountie with an atomic drop. Shock stick to the gut finishes for Mountie, however, at 1:18. DUD WWF World title: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan Hulk works the headlock to start and boots Slaughter down, but goes after Adnan and that allows Slaughter to attack with a chair. Not just any chair, but a Wrestlemania souvenir chair from the looks of it! Those hurt EXTRA, but Hulk no-sells it and they head back in. Slaughter pounds away in the corner and puts Hogan down with an elbow, then drops knees before missing an elbow. Bobby goes off on a funny run on Regis’ behalf about how he dislikes Hogan because “the men I managed never got any title shots”, which is such a ridiculously blatant lie that you have to love it. Hogan comes back and whips Slaughter around the ring, then backdrops him out of the corner. Catapult into the post and Gorilla declares that we’re seeing “The Hulkster of the 90s”. No, I’d say the Hulk of the 90s was yet to come, but kudos for trying to be timely. Corner clothesline gets two and Hulk goes AERIAL, but Slaughter catches him coming down. Hulk shakes it off and slams him, then drops the elbows before going up AGAIN. Slaughter slams him off the top to take over, and goes to work on the back. Clothesline misses by a good foot, but Hogan sells it and goes to the floor anyway. Sarge chokes him out with the TV cable, which is carrying the signal to the biggest PPV audience in the history of PPV you know, and back in Slaughter keeps pounding the back. Boston Crab, and Slaughter uses the old Arn Anderson trick of having Adnan push on his head for leverage, but Hogan makes the ropes. Slaughter stays on the back and goes up with a flying kneedrop, but Adnan actually distracts the ref while Slaughter is covering. It still gets two. Slaughter retrieves another chair and hits Hogan right in the bald spot, and we get blood from that. The REAR CHINLOCK OF DEATH seems to signal the end for Hulkamania, but much like those democracy-loving Kuwaitis, Hogan escapes the deathgrip of Iraq and makes the comeback. Big boot, legdrop, and it’s mission accomplished and Osama Bin Laden captured all in one pinfall at 20:21. Lex Luger probably would have won by countout. Gorilla declares that the war is now officially over that Hogan has won the title back. I’m sure all the soldiers in Kuwait were relieved to hear that. *** The Pulse Holy cow this show is LONG. The full version isn’t significantly different from the edited one in terms of making the show better or worse, but 3.5 hours is just way too long for a show that didn’t need junk filler like Earthquake v. Valentine and Tito Santana v. Mountie. Still kind of a forgotten and overly maligned show. Mild recommendation.
Wrestlemania Countdown: 6
6th March 2012 by Scott Keith
(Awww yeah! Another 10,000 word three-rant marathon session. Just call me Charlie Reneke.) The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VI – Live from Toronto, Ontario. Original airdate: April 1/1990 – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura.– Opening match: Rick Martel v. Koko B. Ware. The crowd is huge, announced at almost 68,000 people. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the ultra-cool carts that carry the guys to the ring ala WM3. Match is brutally clipped on the Coliseum video version, which is good because I saw it live on closed circuit TV and it sucked then. The version here sees a two minute Martel squash, as he finishes it with the Boston Crab. The announcers make note of a mistake made by Koko, which exposes the clipping. (I hope someone got fired for that one!) Oh well. Match was about 1/4* – WWF tag team title match: Andre the Giant & Haku v. Demolition. A canned Demos interview is inserted before the match. The champs don’t even get an entrance, but the Demos do, and they get a mega-pop to boot. Once again a brutal clipjob, which is exceedingly good because this match blows too. Haku literally wrestles the entire match as Andre stands on the apron and Ax plays Ricky Morton. Smash gets the hot tag and destroys Haku (Andre takes one bump for old time’s sake). Andre grabs Haku from behind, but the THRUST KICK OF DEATH hits Andre by mistake and Demolition Decapitation follows on Haku for the pin and the final tag title reign for the Demos. Andre does the obligatory face turn after the match. Note to WCW: Sometimes it’s cool for the faces to win. (WCW learned that lesson the hard way when the WWF themselves made the big babyface comeback and Vince finished Bischoff off with the big boot and legdrop, brother.) DUD, although I was marking out for the last hurrah of Demolition at the time. Andre lays a hellacious beating on Heenan and Haku and leaves to the cheers of the fans. (That Andre babyface turn on Heenan gets me every time. Who fucks with ANDRE THE GIANT?!) – Hercules v. Earthquake. This was during the initial Quake buildup, which means Extra Squash with Cheese and a Side of Squash Fries. Up until now he was billed as “Canadian Earthquake”, but I guess they didn’t want any face heat for him here so they debuted the “Earthquake” name. I’m sure you know how this one goes. Herc does a stretcher job for good measure after two Quake splashes. DUD – Rona Barrett interviews Elizabeth about her disappearance. Gotta love token celebrity appearances. (In retrospect, she should have stayed disappeared.) – Brutus Beefcake v. Mr. Perfect. Okay, if you’ll remember, at Royal Rumble 90 Beefcake fought the Genius in order to transfer the heat from Hogan to Beefcake, and it worked because this match was set up for Wrestlemania. Hennig is in full overselling mood, flying over the top rope on a punch. Mucho stallo results. Another mega-bump on a chest-first charge to the corner by Perfect. This would be the last appearance of the real Beefcake on PPV, before the boating accident turned him into the talentless Hogan kiss-ass you see today. Saturday Night’s Main Event booking as Hennig gets the METAL SCROLL OF DOOM from the Genius and bops Beefcake with it to take control. Another clip job as Hennig runs through his usual offense. He brings Beefcake to his knees and then slaps him around, but Beefcake grabs Hennig’s legs and slingshots him into the ringpost, a move which is guaranteed to kill Hennig, each and every time it’s used. (Also Dolph Ziggler, which I’m sure is absolutely no coincidence at all. Maybe they didn’t want to let Joe Hennig be Perfect Jr. because Ziggler already had that gimmick?) Beefcake gets the huge upset and the crowd goes APESHIT. See, that way Perfect keeps his heat because the match was booked as a fluke. Beefcake ends up cutting Poffo’s hair. Decent enough match. * Here’s an interesting quote from Jesse at the end, after Gorilla notes that the people want to see Poffo’s hair cut: “Since when is the World Wrestling Federation dictated by what you and the people want?” Of course, years later, Gorilla would become WWF President and the WWF’s whole direction would cater to the fans’ every whim. (Of course, years later after that, the direction would cater to screwing over the fans out of spite.) – Roddy Piper v. Bad News Brown. This would be the match where Piper painted half his body black. He puts on a dance exhibition before the match, thus guaranteeing to offend EVERYONE in the audience, black and white. Total brawl, and a boring one at that. Piper pulls out a while glove (cf. Brown’s black glove) and they fight outside the ring for a double countount. Really disappointing non-match. -* – Steve Allen rehearses the Russian National Anthem with the Bolsheviks. Har har. – The Hart Foundation v. The Bolsheviks. Nikolai goes to sing the anthem and the Harts attack, then hit the Hart Attack for the pin. Bleh. DUD – Tito Santana v. The Barbarian. This would be the debut of the Barbarian under the tutelage of Bobby Heenan. Total squash, as Barbie manhandles Santana, who comes back with the token offense. Flying Jalapeno, but Heenan puts Barbie’s foot on the ropes. Barbarian to the top and Tito takes the bump of the night with a somersault sell of the clothesline from the top, which finishes the match. Off-night for Tito. 1/4* (That was a hell of a bump from Tito and I believe I rated this match higher on the second go-around.) – Randy Savage & Sherri v. Dusty Rhodes & Sapphire. And wasn’t the world just waiting for this one? Jesse goes off on a hilarious rant about the fact that the Cow Twins are announced at 465 total, which he estimates is at least 100 pounds low. Dusty brings out Elizabeth before we start to a huge ovation. Sherri is actually looking pretty lithe here. Sapphire uses her huge ass to dominate Sherri, and Sherri actually sells. You can always tell when Jesse hates someone in real life because of how much he cheers against them. If that’s true, then he must HATE Dusty Rhodes. I mean, I would not want to be in the same room if they ever met, if his commentary here is any indication. This mess drags on and on, with Dusty playing Cow in Peril after a shot with the sceptre. Sappire and Sherri get into it, and Liz tosses Sherri back in, then grabs her by the hair and shoves her back into Sappire, which allows a rollup for the win. Really bad match. -** Better times would be ahead for Savage, thankfully. (And then much, much worse times. Sad face. Dusty Rhodes is the only one left alive in this match.) – Hogan gives a really disturbing interview where he elevates himself to Christ-like levels by offering to “save” the Warrior and his fans by making Warrior a martyr. – Warrior responds with an equally weirded-out interview. (I feel like I’m doing these interviews a dis-service by not recapping them word-for-word.) – The Rockers v. The Orient Express. Let’s play “How much drugs did the Rockers use before the match” here. I’ll start the betting at 2 grams of coke and a shot of booze. Shawn Michaels plays Ricky Morton as the Express uses some nice double-teams to control. Marty gets the hot tag and the Rockers do their usual stuff, albeit slower than usual for some reason. Could it be…DRUGS? Even Gorilla notes the lethargy that Rockers seem to be experiencing. (Not like it’s tough for them to score weed in Toronto.) Jannetty ends up outside the ring and Fuji tosses salt in his eyes for the countout, a really weird ending that killed the crowd. This match was just screaming for a pinfall ending. Still, better than everything else tonight. **3/4 I never got the signing of the Orients. I assume Vince just wanted to steal Badd Company from the AWA, but couldn’t get DDP to come along, and didn’t think they’d be marketable without a gimmick, so he grabbed Tanaka and AWA jobber Akio Sato and left Paul Diamond to rot. – Dino Bravo v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Not much fan response here, because Bravo is Canadian but booked as a heel so the fans were unsure how to react. And Duggan has never been really over in Canada, for obvious reasons. Kick and punch match that drags until Duggan hits three clotheslines and Quake makes a nuisance of himself. During the chaos, Duggan nails Bravo with the 2×4 and pins him. DUD Earthquake adds another body to the pile tonight by destroying Duggan for good measure. Works for me. – Million Dollar Belt match: Jake Roberts v. Ted Dibiase. Roberts stole the belt from Dibiase on Superstars, and Ted wants it back. Speaking of drug-snorting degenerates, these two were among the worst offenders in the early 90s. We all know about Jake’s sob stories during his born-again Christian years, and Dibiase did the same circuit a couple of years ago, including a stop here in Edmonton where I got to meet him. He’s a great guy, btw, much more believable and likeable than Roberts. It should be noted that Dibiase continues to help charities and stay clean and sober, while Roberts is probably sleeping in a cardboard box in downtown Wichita with a bottle of cheap hooch as his only companion as we speak. (I believe it’s actually on a fishing boat now…) Anyway, libellous comments aside, this match was about 20 minutes live and clipped down to eight or so here, and they even had the audacity to cut out the Skydome doing the wave during a headlock. The clipped version is actually better than the live one, because they clipped out the restholds. We cut to Jake making the big comeback, but before he can hit the DDT Virgil pulls him out of the ring for the countout. Since the match is unsanctioned, Dibiase wins the title back. Roberts gets the DDT on Dibiase after the match. The clipped version of the match is about ***, actually, a pleasant surprise after the boring match I remembered from years ago. Roberts hands out Dibiase’s money to the fans, which is really cool because each $100 bill is worth $150 up here. (Ha! The USA WISHES that was still the case. Now when I transfer Paypal money over from US funds I LOSE money on the deal. I liked it better when the Canadian dollar was worthless and the US economy was stable.) We never see Dibiase leave the ring, which becomes important for… – Akeem v. Big Bossman. This would be the blowoff for the Twin Towers breakup that turned Bossman face. Bossman makes his entrance and Dibiase pops up from under the ring and attacks him on the floor. See, Dibiase tried to bribe Bossman, but since he’s an honest law-enforcement officer he wouldn’t take the bribe, presto, insta-feud. Dibiase’s beating doesn’t help Akeem much, as he gets caught with a fluke Bossman slam less than a minute in for the pin. DUD – Rhythm and Blues debut their new single, “Hunka Hunka Honky Love” but the Sheepfuckers interrupt, dressed as vendors, and attack them. Wow. “Blink and you’ll miss it” moment: Diamond Dallas Page driving the car that brings Honky and Valentine to the ring. – Ravishing Rick Rude v. Jimmy Snuka. Steve Allen is doing color commentary here. This is the debut of the “new” Rick Rude, as he makes the transition from mid-card joke to main-event status. This is okay, as things go back and forth before Snuka misses whatever off the top and Rude hits the Rude Awakening for the pin. *1/2 (I believe this would be around the time that Tamina, daughter of WWE Legend Jimmy Snuka, was being conceived. Did you know she’s Jimmy Snuka’s daughter?) – Main event, title v. title: Hulk Hogan v. The Ultimate Warrior. Warrior blows up running into the ring, seriously. (Use the cart, stupid!) This is the very definition of a divided crowd, as they are almost literally 50/50 for both guys. (I bet they had Warrior do goofy comedy bits to build him up beforehand, that always works! Can you imagine Warrior putting promo notes on his wrist? It would read like the Toynbee tiles or something.) Staredown and shoving match to start, won by the Warrior, then Hogan. They do the test of strength: Warrior brings Hogan to his knees, then Hogan fights up and brings Warrior down. Crowd is absolutely rabid for every move. Hogan takes down Warrior and drops an elbow, then they do the CRISS-CROSS OF DOOM, which leads to a Hogan slam that is no-sold by Warrior. Another criss-cross, and a slam on Hogan, which Hogan sells. Warrior clotheslines Hogan to the floor, and Hulk injures his knee, and totally oversells it. Warrior stomps on it for good measure. Back in the ring and they poke each other in the eye and choke, to Jesse’s delight. Warrior jaws with the referee and Hogan takes the opportunity to clothesline Warrior in the corner and basically forget about the knee injury. Hogan drops an elbow for the first two-count and applies a facelock and a small package for two. Hogan…carrying a match? Considering how long this thing was rehearsed before this show, Hogan shouldn’t have to be carrying it, but whatever. Running clothesline gets two for Hogan. Backbreaker gets two. Hogan uses an ultra-weak chinlock, but drives some knees into the back to redeem it. Belly-to-back suplex gets two, then back to the chinlock. Warrior breaks free and they do the double-KO spot. Warrior shakes the ropes to hulk up, giving Hogan a taste of his own medicine by no-selling Hulk’s offense. THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DOOM! RUNNING SHOULDERBLOCK OF DEATH! Is the end of Hulk? Two cross-corner whips and a suplex gets two. Oh, no, it’s the dread BEARHUG OF EXCRUCIATING DISCOMFORT! Hogan breaks free and Hebner gets wiped out on the criss-cross. Warrior goes to the top with a pair of double axehandles, but Hogan drives him face-first to the mat when he tries the running shoulderblock. No ref to count, and Jesse is right on the ball as he notes the irony of this after all the times it happened to Hogan’s challengers. Warrior gets a belly-to-back as Hebner…crawls…over…for….two. Crowd is on the verge of a collective heart attack. Hulk rolls up Warrior for two. Hogan with rights, and an elbow that sends Warrior to the floor, where they brawl for a bit. Back in the ring and Warrior with a clothesline and then…the Gorilla Press! Big splash…and it only gets two. Hogan makes the comeback, hulking up. Hogan no-sells the punches, delivers some of his own, then hits the Big Boot of Death. Legdrop…MISSES! Warrior hits a weak splash and gets the pin. Half the crowd is delighted, the other half is in shock. Hebner fucks up, handing the belt to the Warrior, and the camera cuts away as Warrior gives it back so Hogan can present it himself. Meltzer gave it ****, I wouldn’t go that high, but it was a definite ***. It was suitably epic for the show it was carrying, and even after seeing it 200 times or so it still got my heart pounding during the ending sequence when I saw it again. That’s all you can ask. The Bottom Line: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllll…. On one hand, the main event was huge and the crowd was hot and the booking was great (FACES GO OVER!), but on the other 90% of the show sucked dick. I mean, WCW would get crucified for putting on his dog today. I think people have unreasonably boosted popular opinion of this one thanks to fuzzy feelings rather than actual enjoyment of the show. I mean, it was a very “send the fans home happy” show, but other than that there weren’t many redeeming qualities. But maybe that’s just me. The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VI – Once again, this is the hacked-up Coliseum video version from 1990, not the complete version from the Attitude collection or whatever it was called. (Oh sweet jeebus, another three-version rant? I’m skipping ahead to the modern one.) – Live from Toronto, ON. – Your hosts are Jesse Ventura & Gorilla Monsoon. – Opening match: Koko B. Ware v. Rick Martel. Bigtime mullet on Martel here. Well, it was 1990, what can ya do. Martel attacks to start and hammers away in the corner, but Koko comes out of the corner with a high cross for two. Dropkicks and Martel is staggered, so Koko backdrops him and dumps him with a clothesline. Quick edit, and Koko slingshots him back in, but Martel dumps him on a charge, and we have another edit. At least they picked the right matches to hack. Martel stomps away back in the ring and gets a backbreaker, and that sets up the Boston crab at 2:04 for the submission. Trimmed WAAAAAY down from the original airing. They actually edited from the start of one Crab attempt to the finish of another. ½* – WWF tag team titles: Haku & Andre the Giant v. Demolition. In a rather forgettable end to Andre’s career, he got his one and only tag title before going into permanent retirement after this. Demolition was close to the end in 1989, but with the Road Warriors on the way in, I assume Vince wanted to rebuild them for the eventual feud. Andre & Haku attack to start and pound on Smash, and Andre leaves for the apron and never gets in legally again. Smash slugs away on Haku and brings in Ax, who pounds on him, but eats a thrust blow to the throat and becomes Super Machine In Peril. Backbreaker gets two. Superkick and Haku beats on Ax in the corner and goes to the VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM. Ax fights up, so Andre chokes him with the tag rope to end that rally. Ax fights back again, but Haku goes to the knee to stop him, and a shoulderbreaker gets two. He makes a blind charge and hits boot, however, and it’s hot tag Smash. He gets a back elbow on Haku and backdrop for two. Andre comes in and gets popped by Smash, and Demolition clothesline him into the corner and pound the shit out of Haku, but Andre grabs Smash. Haku hits Andre by mistake, Andre is tied up, and the Demos finish Haku with Decapitation at 5:25 to win their third and final tag team titles. Andre turns babyface by beating on Heenan to end his career, and it was a nice way to let him go with dignity. *1/4 – Hercules v. Earthquake. This was the debut of the shortened version of Quake’s name (he was the Canadian Earthquake before that – maybe they thought Toronto would turn him face?) and his monster push was building for a run against Hogan later in the year. Quake tries to charge Herc, but misses, and Herc slugs away in the corner. Quake misses another charge and Hercules keeps fighting, but goes after Jimmy Hart and Quake is allowed to take a breather. Back in, Quake wants a test of strength, and he wins that quickly and pounds Hercules down. Obvious editing there. Quake sends him into the turnbuckles and pounds away in the corner, but he puts his head down and Herc makes the comeback. He overpowers him with clotheslines, but he won’t go down. For some reason he calls for the torture rack, but Quake casually elbows him down and squashes him into mint jelly with the butt splash at 4:08. Just punching. ½* – Brutus Beefcake v. Mr. Perfect. Perfect goes for the attack to start and they slug it out in the corner, and Beefcake slugs him over the top. Beefcake was getting quite good by this point. Back in, Perfect puts his head down and gets booted, and an atomic drop sends him over the top again. He’s a bump machine tonight. Back in, Hennig knees him in the gut and pounds him down, but Beefcake whips him into the corner for ANOTHER crazy somersault bump. Slam gets nothing for Beefcake. Beefer pounds him in the corner, and it’s another crazy bump into the corner for Perfect, setting up a clothesline. No spin on the sell, so I can’t rate it on the Jannetty scale. Lanny Poffo gets involved, which allows Perfect to grab the scroll and nail Brutus to take over. Necksnap and kneelift, and Hennig gives him the verbal spanking and slugs away on the prone Beefcake, but Brutus suddenly slingshots him into the corner, knocking him out for the upset pin at 6:16. Kind of an oddly-booked match, with the finish totally out of nowhere and no real effective heat segment. I don’t remember the live version being much better, at any rate. *1/2 – Bad News Brown v. Roddy Piper. And now your one giant step for racial harmony, as Piper comes out with one side painted in blackface and the other side white. They tussle to start and fight on the mat, but the ref keeps separating them. What is this, the UFC? Piper slugs away and does some biting the corner, but Brown lays him out from behind and gets a fistdrop for two. Slam and elbowdrop get two. Piper pokes him in the eye and slugs away in the corner, but Brown returns the favor by thumbing him in the eye, and he pulls apart a turnbuckle. Piper whips him into it, as irony proves to be just as ironic in Canada as in the US, and Piper pulls a white glove out of his tights. Presumably loaded. Piper slugs away with it and goes up with a fistdrop, then knocks Bad News out of the ring and they brawl to a double-countout at 4:44. This didn’t go anywhere, but it booked more as a teaser for a future house show feud than as a WM blowoff. * – The Hart Foundation v. The Bolsheviks. Nikolai Volkoff takes forever singing the Russian national anthem, so the Harts attack him and get the quick pin on Zukhov with a Hart Attack at 0:25. DUD – I would be remiss in not mentioning the ad for Wrestlemania VII that airs at this point, as Vince talks about 100,000 fans packing the LA Memorial Stadium. Darn bomb threats! (Why hasn’t he run that stadium for a Wrestlemania now that he could actually sell it out, I wonder? Is the terrorist element still that much of a concern?) – Tito Santana v. Barbarian. Tito hammers away on him in the corner, so Barbarian bails and consults with Heenan. Back in, Barbarian overpowers him, but puts his head down and Tito gets a crossbody for two. Tito works a headlock, but walks into the big boot. Barbie pounds on him, into a shoulderbreaker, and goes up with that elbow that always misses. Santana uses speed to come back, slugging away, but Barbarian won’t go down. Two dropkicks do the job, however, and Tito goes up with a double axehandle and flying jalapeno. That gets two. Santana goes for a rollup, but Barbarian blocks and goes up, finishing with a top rope clothesline, as Tito takes a SICK backwards bump off the move, at 3:41. Fun little squash for Barbarian. *1/2 – Randy Savage & Sherri Martel v. Dusty Rhodes & Sapphire. Dusty brings out Elizabeth, to piss off Savage. Dead people count in this match: Two. (Three. Sad face.) The fact that Dusty actually got this gimmick over consistently blows my mind in retrospect. Sherri is looking quite hot here, kind of a proto-Victoria. Dusty starts with Savage and elbows him down, so Sherri gets in his face. Savage goes up, but gets caught and tossed into Sherri, and Dusty elbows him down again. Dusty brings in Sapphire, so it’s the girls turn. Sapphire shoves her into Savage and uses her butt to knock her down (hey, use what ya got) and gets a half-assed airplane spin for two. Sherri slugs her down, however, and tries a slam, but Sapphire falls on top for two. Dusty comes back in again, so that brings Macho in, but Dusty holds him for a slap from Sapphire. The heels collide and Dusty shoves Sherri around, but that allows Savage to hit him from behind with a high knee. Out on the floor, Savage slugs away and Sherri gets a cheapshot, setting up the double axehandle to the floor from Savage. Sherri gets in more abuse and Savage drops another axehandle to the floor, but Sapphire puts herself in the way to prevent any more. Savage gets rid of her and tosses Dusty back in, then follows with another double axehandle for two. Suplex gets two. Savage grabs his scepter and nails Dusty with it (“Ding!” says Jesse), setting up Sherri for a flying splash that gets two. Rhodes makes the comeback on his own, lacking a real partner and all, and rams the heels together. It’s BONZO GONZO and Sapphire snapmares Sherri for two. Sherri goes after Liz, and gets slapped, allowing Sapphire to roll her up for the pin at 7:31. All in good fun. **1/4 – The Rockers v. The Orient Express. Tanaka hammers on Marty to start and gets a back kick, and Sato whips him in with an elbow. Marty comes back with a powerslam and the Rockers do some double-teaming, sending the Express running. The Rockers follow with stereo topes. Marty works a headlock on Tanaka, but Fuji pulls him out of the ring and Sato sends him into the post. Marty is staggering around like he’s drunk! Oh, wait. Back in, Tanaka slugs away on him and the Express take turns on him, but Shawn makes the blind tag and the Rockers hits Tanaka with a double superkick. Shawn backdrops him, so he tags out to Sato. They take over on Shawn as Tanaka gets a double-chop, and Sato comes off the top with a kneedrop for two. Sato goes to the VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM, but Shawn fights out, so they keep on him in the heel corner. Shawn comes back with a clothesline on Tanaka, and makes the hot tag to Marty. He slugs everyone down and dropkicks Tanaka, and it’s the dreaded double-noggin knocker for two. Double dropkick puts Sato on the floor, and they double-backdrop Tanaka and go up for the flying fistdrops, but Fuji trips up Jannetty, breaking up the move. Sato tosses salt in his face, and he accidentally snorts it all up, apparently confusing it for something else, and passes out in the front row while trying to hit on a girl there. It’s a countout at 7:37. Never really got going, but once Sato was replaced with Paul Diamond, they would have some KILLER matches. **1/2 – Hacksaw Duggan v. Dino Bravo. Duggan, brain surgeon and rocket scientist all rolled into one, waves the US flag around the ring. Bravo overpowers him on a lockup to start, and they slug it out, resulting in Duggan getting an atomic drop. He pounds away in the corner and Bravo clotheslines him a few times and gets an inverted atomic drop to set up some thrilling chokes. Elbowdrop gets two. Duggan makes the comeback, but Bravo boots him down again, but Duggan gets his clotheslines and sets up for the finish. He stops to go after Earthquake, and Jimmy tosses the 2×4 in for Bravo, but Duggan uses it for the pin at 3:21. Earthquake destroys Duggan to set up the next feud. DUD – Ted Dibiase v. Jake Roberts. This is for the Million Dollar Belt, as they had been headlining C-shows since Wrestlemania V. (The storyline was that Roberts stole the Million Dollar belt, but Dibiase hired Bossman to repossess it back again. Luckily he retrieved it before Jake pawned it for crack and snake food. Actually, I think Jake taking the belt onto Pawn Stars and negotiating with Rick Harrison would be pretty awesome.) They slug it out to start and Jake overpowers him and gets a quick kneelift, but Dibiase bails. Back in, Dibiase elbows Jake down and charges, but walks into a knee and Jake tries another kneelift, but whiffs on it and lands on his head. Piledriver from Dibiase gets two, but Jake reverses to a sunset flip for two. Dibiase works on the neck with kneedrops and gets the Million Dollar Dream, but Jake falls into the ropes to break. Dibiase gets two anyway. Back to the middle, and Dibiase gets two again. Elbow off the middle rope is blocked with a shot on the way down, and Jake comes back with a clothesline and atomic drop. Another clothesline and a backdrop follow, and the short clothesline looks to set up the DDT, but Virgil pulls Jake out and gets slammed on the floor for his troubles. Dibiase sneaks up on Jake with another Dream, but a shot to the post breaks it up. Virgil tosses his boss back in to beat the count at 5:50. Roughly half the match was cut here, including all of Dibiase’s heat segment. It was faster-paced, but didn’t tell as good of a story. **1/4 – Big Bossman v. Akeem. This was the start of Bossman’s big babyface push, beginning with a feud against Dibiase, who never actually left the ringside area after the last match, as we discover when he pops out and lays out Bossman. The match begins proper with Akeem pounding on Bossman and getting a corner splash for two. He elbows away on Bossman and abuses him in the corner, but Bossman powers out of there in an ugly sequence and makes the comeback, ramming him into the turnbuckles a few times and clotheslining him down. Bossman Slam finishes at 1:47, and it was off to WCW for Akeem. ¼* – Blink and you’ll miss it moment, as Rhythm & Blues do a musical number, and DDP is the driver of the car that brings them to the ring. – Jimmy Snuka v. Rick Rude. More new beginnings, as Rude’s new killer uppercard heel act debuts, prepping him for a run with Warrior. The permed hair is replaced with slicked-back hair, and it would soon be cut off for good. Rude attacks to start and pounds on him, but misses a dropkick, and Snuka faceplants him. Backdrop and headbutt to the ribs follow, and a dropkick puts Rude on the floor with a nice bump. Rude catches him with a sunset flip back in, but Snuka blocks it and slugs away. Rude hits him with a suplex, however, and starts working on the back, hammering on it and backdropping Snuka. Snuka comes back with a faceplant, but Rude overpowers him and they criss-cross into a headbutt from Snuka. Snuka goes up, but misses, and they have an awkward bit out of a whip in the corner. Snuka goes up again and misses again, and it’s a Rude Awakening for him at 3:29. Rude was REALLY good from this point on. *1/2 (Thankfully Snuka recovered enough from this beating to produce Tamina, his daughter, who learned everything she knows from him.) – WWF title v. Intercontinental title: Hulk Hogan v. Ultimate Warrior. Forget all the rest, this was the match that sold out the Skydome and the match that the whole card was judged on. The heat for this is UNREAL, with the crowd divided 50/50. Staredown to start and they do the shoving match, and then the lockup, which Warrior wins to start. Another lockup, and Hogan wins that one. The crowd is popping for everything. Warrior wants a test of strength, so they do that, and Warrior gets the advantage, but Hulk fights up from one knee and powers him down again. Warrior fights it off, so Hogan legsweeps him and drops an elbow for one. They do the CRISS-CROSS OF DOOM and Hogan slams him, but Warrior no-sells it. So they try it again, and this time Warrior slams him, and Hogan stays down. Clothesline to the floor, and Hogan whines to Hebner about hurting his knee. Hulk Hogan: Bumping Maniac. The selling is Oscar-worthy material. Warrior smartly goes right after the knee, as Hogan bravely fights off the fake pain and they head back in. Warrior goes for the knee, but Hogan rakes the face to hold him off, and they choke each other as the knee injury disappears for good. Hogan slugs Warrior from behind and clotheslines him in the corner, then hammers away on him. Hogan drops a pair of elbows for two. Front facelock, as Warrior is now blown up and Hogan has to carry the match. Let me repeat that: HOGAN has to CARRY a match. He gets the small package for two and hits the chinlock. He hammers on Warrior while down there, and then slugs away in the corner and chops him down. Axe Bomber gets two. Shoulderbreaker gets two. Back to the chinlock, as Warrior is sucking wind. Hogan works on the back and gets a backdrop suplex for two. Back to the chinlock, as we wait patiently for Warrior to join us back in the world of oxygen-breathing mammals again. Warrior fights out with elbows and they clothesline each other and both guys are out. Warrior is the first up, as he shakes the ropes to recharge his batteries, and Hogan is FLUMMOXED. Warrior slugs away on him and gets the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DEATH and some chops in the corner, and Hogan is begging for mercy. Suplex gets two. Guess he’s feeling better. And now it’s bearhug time. But man, once you’re not watching it live with a coliseum full of people on closed-circuit TV, the drama is reduced a lot. Ref is bumped on another criss-cross, and Warrior goes AERIAL, baby, hitting Hogan with a double axehandle. He misses a shoulderblock, however, and Hogan faceplants him, but there’s no ref. Warrior recovers with a backdrop suplex, and the ref is still out. Man, criss-crosses are a hazard to referees everywhere. The ref finally recovers and Warrior gets two. Hogan gets a rollup for two. Hogan slugs away and elbows him out of the ring, and they brawl outside. I was getting visions of a double-countout at this point in 1990, but it just ends with Hogan hitting the post as they head back into the ring. Warrior hits him with a clothesline and botches the gorilla slam (I mean, how do you screw that up?) and the big splash gets two, as it’s Hulk Up Time. Punch punch punch, big boot…but the legdrop misses, and Warrior splashes him for the pin and both titles at 22:46. I can actually appreciate Hogan’s efforts in carrying Warrior moreso than both the original viewing and the original rant in 1999, and really the rest spots don’t hurt it that much compared to the awesome drama of Pat Patterson’s intricately booked spots here. ***1/2 Hogan, however, should have left to go make a movie or whatever, but he DIDN’T, and Warrior’s reign was immediately sabotaged because he was stuck in the shadow of Hogan and left as #2 babyface, even when he was supposed to be drawing on top. That’s why Hogan was champion again in 1991, and why he was the smartest dude in wrestling for so long. The Bottom Line: I still like this show a lot, actually, with a good mix of light and heavy stuff throughout, and there was certainly nothing horrible on here. And the main event absolutely delivers, as Hogan losing is always good for a recommendation. Recommended. The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania VI – Anthology Edition! – So after years of only having the Coliseum version of this show, I finally got the Wrestlemania Anthology, giving me the full bloated PPV versions of 6-10 on five glorious double-sided DVDs. I actually did see this show live on the big screen in Edmonton at the arena, which was the last time WM was available in that form. So I was taken aback when the tape came out and several matches were several minutes shorter than I remembered. I think they actually remastered the video for these as well, because it’s far crisper than the VHS versions, even considering the superior DVD format. So prepare for another couple of weeks of Wrestlemania redos! – Live from Toronto’s Skydome, with the AWESOME ring carts that they need to bring back again. – Your hosts are Gorilla & Jesse. – Robert Goulet sings the Canadian national anthem to start, so you know it’s the full version. (“Your agent says to shut up!” “Gladys said that?”) Rick Martel v. Koko B. Ware Koko is using “Piledriver” here, but it’s the dubbed version of Fink’s intro (synched very well to his past self) so I dunno what the hell the music situation was. Gorilla and Jesse talk freely over the music so it must be the original track and maybe Fink just sounded weird. Anyway, Martel attacks to start, but runs into a boot in the corner, and Koko gets a bodypress out of the corner for two. He follows with a pair of dropkicks and a backdrop, and Martel bumps to the floor. Slingshot back in and Koko tries shoulderblocking him, but ends up on the floor as a result. Back in, Martel stomps away and gets a suplex for two. Martel pounds the back with an axehandle off the middle rope, then goes for the Boston crab. The original Coliseum video slickly cuts from this attempt into the actual finish, but Koko makes the ropes here. Martel rams Koko into the turnbuckle, but Gorilla notes that Martel “didn’t do his homework”, which I guess means he should have known in advance that all black people have hard heads. Koko makes the comeback and tries another bodypress out of the corner, but whiffs on it and Martel finishes with the Boston crab at 5:27. Nothing special. *1/2 Makes you wonder, though — how come Koko is a hall of famer and Martel isn’t? (Also: Why has Martel never been a judge on America’s Next Top Model?) WWF World tag team titles: Haku & Andre the Giant v. Demolition Andre and Haku don’t even get an entrance here, instead getting to be “in the ring to my right”. Ouch. And unbelievably, “Demolition” is edited out and replaced with a generic rock song. They couldn’t even use the original theme instead of the Derringer song? Haku attacks Smash to start, but the Demos trap him in the corner and hammer him down. Ax and Haku slug it out and Haku goes down, but comes back on Smash with a thumb to the eye. They fight over a backslide and Smash gets two, but Andre breaks it up. Back to Ax, but Haku hits him with the POLYNESIAN MARTIAL ARTS~! Haku with a backbreaker for two and a thrust kick, and Haku chokes away on the ropes. Andre gets a cheap headbutt from the apron and Haku gets two. More double-teaming in the corner gets two for Haku, as Andre is limited to standing on the apron for the match. Haku headbutt gets two. Ax tries to fight back and Haku thumbs him in the eye again and goes to the nerve hold. Ax fights up again and Haku pounds him down and gets a shoulderbreaker for two. Even the announcers are wondering now why Andre won’t tag in. Blind charge misses and Ax comes back with a clothesline, and it’s hot tag Smash. Elbow and backdrop for Haku and a crossbody gets two. The Demos double-clothesline both of the heels, pound Haku down, and that finally brings Andre in. The double-team misses, however, Andre gets tied in the ropes, and the Demolition elbow gives them their third tag titles at 9:09. Gigantic pop for that, although it’s less impressive with the music dubbing and the terrible new Finkel call. You don’t mess with the Fink’s “NEEWWWWWW!” Pretty decent for a glorified handicap match. ** Bobby Heenan gives Andre the gears afterwards and gets beaten up as a result, turning Andre face one last time to end his career. Andre casually catching Haku’s thrust kick and then beating the hell out of him as well is great stuff. (Much respect to Andre.) Earthquake v. Hercules Herc evades the Quake to start and slugs away in the corner, so Earthquake bails and consults with Jimmy Hart. Funny to think of the time when John Tenta was the hottest heel in the company. Back in, Quake wants the test of strength, and Herc obliges him but loses. Quake pounds him in the corner and works him over with shoulderblocks, but puts his head down and gets caught. Herc comes back with shoulder tackles and clotheslines that have little effect, and he stupidly goes for the backbreaker. What universe would THAT work in? Quake casually elbows him down and squashes him dead to finish at 4:50. This was actually a fairly entertaining little match. **1/4 I love the camera work where they make sure to shake it in time with Earthquake’s “tremors”. Meanwhile, Rona Barrett interviews Elizabeth, who promises that she’ll get more physically involved should she ever return to ringside. Mr. Perfect v. Brutus Beefcake This is a bit of a rarity for the early Wrestlemanias, an honest-to-goodness midcard blowoff match instead of a random matchup or a silly non-finish. Perfect jumps him in the corner and they slug it out there, with Perfect winning that one before Beefcake makes the comeback and we get our first Perfect bump over the top. Back in, Beefcake gets an atomic drop and Perfect goes flying out again. Perfect gets a cheapshot and hammers away, but Beefcake whips him into the corner and we get another great bump from Mr. P. Brutus slugs away and Perfect bumps out of the corner AGAIN, so Brutus clotheslines him (complete with overblown sell from Hennig) and goes for the sleeper. The Genius distracts him and gives Perfect the SCROLL OF DEATH, which Perfect uses for a quality shot to the face to take over. Perfect stomps away and gets the rolling necksnap for two. Perfect pounds him down as Jesse and Gorilla get into a funny discussion about the difference between “doing a 360” and “doing a 180”, which is one of the nice touches you’d get with them. Perfect with a SWEET kneelift (done, well, you know) and he fires away on the fallen Beefcake, but the trashtalk takes too long and Beefcake catapults him into the corner. Perfect hits the post and Beefcake gets the upset win at 7:47. Great bumps from Perfect here, although the finish was stolen almost frame-for-frame from the Jerry Lawler match in 1988. But it’s a great finish, so huzzah. **3/4 This really marked Beefcake coming into his own as a worker and would have set up the rematch for the IC title at Summerslam 90 before the boating accident almost ended Beefcake’s career. Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Bad News Brown This should have been one hell of a crazy brawl, but instead it goes down in history for Piper dressing in half-blackface. A detail I just noticed — in the pre-match interview, Piper’s blackface covers the entire side of his face, but here there’s a circle left uncovered around his eye, so I guess the interview was pre-taped in advance of the show. Way to shatter my illusions, WWF production crew. They brawl to start and the ref keeps separating them for some reason, and finally Bad News gets a cheapshot from behind to take over. He rams Piper into the turnbuckles, but apparently blackface also gives you a hard head (you might want to remember that in case of an emergency, readers) because Piper no-sells it. Brown goes to the nerve hold, but Piper slugs out of it and no-sells a headbutt, but Bad News puts him down and drops a fist for two. Bad News elbow gets two. Piper uses the EYEPOKE OF DOOM and comes back for the slugfest, but Bad News also goes to the eyes and undoes a turnbuckle. Irony strikes again as Piper whips him into the STEEL bolt, and then produces a white glove from his tights. Presumably loaded. He slugs Brown down and goes up with a fistdrop from the middle rope, and Bad News bumps to the floor. They fight outside and brawl for the lame double countout at 6:44. This was all potential and no payoff. * Meanwhile, Steve Allen is in the bathroom with the Bolsheviks and can’t quite get the Russian national anthem right. The Hart Foundation v. The Bolsheviks The Harts attack during the singing of the Russian anthem and finish Boris at 0:25, which of course sets them up as the next challengers for Demolition. DUD The Barbarian v. Tito Santana This was the beginning of Barbarian’s epic singles run that went nowhere. Tito tries to overpower him and gets nowhere, so he goes with a bodypress for two instead and works a headlock. Barbarian levels him with a boot, however, and follows with a shoulderbreaker, but misses an elbow off the second rope. Tito hits the flying forearm for two, but Bobby puts the foot on the ropes. Tito goes after him, but Barbarian finishes with the flying clothesline at 4:28. You need a guy to do a somersault bump off a clothesline and make your heel look like a killer? Call Tito. Kind of sad to watch Tito get destroyed here given my recent new appreciation for his work. * If Barbarian had fuzzy boots I’d go higher because they’re clearly the key to any good heel’s success, but he doesn’t yet. Randy Savage & Queen Sherri v. Dusty Rhodes & Sapphire Amazingly, “Common Man” is edited out and replaced here. Was this DVD released during a period when they were pissed off at Jimmy Hart, too? Dusty elbows Savage down to start and gets an earful from Sherri, but sends the heels into each other and out of the ring. Over to Sapphire, who of course makes the current Divas look like Trish Stratus as far as ring skills go, and she gets an airplane spin on Sherri for two. Sherri comes back with a slam, but Sapphire falls on top for two. Back to Dusty (thankfully, and when would I ever say THAT otherwise?) and he holds Savage for a slap from Sapphire, but falls victim to a knee from behind. Savage pounds away on the floor and drops the axehandle from the top, but Sapphire comes over and begs for mercy. Savage gives NO MERCY and throws her down because he’s the friggin’ MACHO MAN, then hits the flying axehandle in the ring for two on Dusty. Suplex gets two. Savage grabs his scepter and nails Dusty from the top (Jesse: “Ding!”) but stalls instead of covering and tags Sherri in. She gets a flying splash for two and Dusty makes the comeback, elbowing Savage in the corner, and Sapphire comes in with a snapmare on Sherri for two. Sapphire gets all fired up and Sherri is amused by it, but Sherri leaves the ring and gets thrown back in by Elizabeth for two. Sherri mouths off at Liz again and Sapphire rolls her up for the pin at 7:30. Goofy but fun, and they kept the Sapphire portions short. **1/4 I try not to think about how all three women are dead now, because that kind of brings it down. Meanwhile, Mean Gene interviews a shaken and sweaty Bobby Heenan about Andre leaving the Family, although that’s a pretty big continuity glitch because he was out there for Barbarian’s match and looked fine. Bobby promises to replace Andre with new members who will listen to him, and that of course proved prophetic and brought him the Intercontinental title. It must be intermission time, because we get further interviews from Rona Barrett, Randy Savage, Demolition, Gorilla and Jesse, Hulk Hogan, … OK gotta stop here and talk about Hogan’s promo, as he talks about offering Warrior the chance to live forever by saving his Little Warriors with the training and vitamins and breathing his last breath into Hogan’s mouth. That’s a tad svengali-ish. And then we jump to the other dressing room for Warrior’s insane reply, as he points out that no one can actually live forever, that’s just not physically possible! The darkness is nothing to fear, it’s about taking a leap of faith and accepting all challenges, and merging the power of Hulkamania with the power of the Warriors. I’ve been watching this shit too long because these promos are actually starting to make sense to me. The Orient Express v. The Rockers What music could the Orients have possibly been using that needed editing? They already had the most generic Asian-themed elevator music possible! Now it’s some sort of weird Polynesian tribal music. At least the Rocker theme is intact, so Jim Johnston hasn’t been erased from history. Yet. Funny to see “Mr. Wrestlemania” in this kind of nothing filler match. This is the shitty Akio Sato version of the Orient Express, for those who have forgotten. This was supposed to be the show-stealing classic, I’m thinking, but Shawn and Marty were REALLY messed up here after a night of partying according to most accounts, including Shawn. The Orients try the double-team to start, but the Rockers elbow them down and out, and follow with stereo dives. Marty grabs a headlock on Tanaka and gets dumped as a result, and Sato sends him into the post. Back in, the Express works Marty over in the corner, but Shawn comes in for a sloppy superkick on Tanaka. It’s pretty funny to hear Jesse going on about how the Express speaks “a little bit of English” when only the markiest marks didn’t know that Tanaka is from the US and had been cutting perfectly normal-sounding promos for his entire career, including the AWA gig that got him this job. Like, I never got that attitude — why sign guys based on a run elsewhere and then totally ignore everything that got them over? If you want to ignore history, then just sign some no-name indy guy and build a gimmick around them, ala Mark Callaway. Shawn falls victim to a cheapshot and Tanaka gets a flying forearm to take over, then Sato comes off the top with a kneedrop for two. Shawn just looks totally fried and disinterested out there. Even Gorilla points out how shitty the Rockers look here. Hot tag Marty and they try the double fistdrop on Tanaka, but Fuji trips up Marty and Sato throws salt in his eyes for the countout at 7:33. That was a giant disappointment from a workrate perspective, even in the days when I had no idea what a good worker and a bad worker were. Still, hungover and bored Rockers are still better than many other teams at 100%. **1/2 Meanwhile, Steve Allen introduces the world to Rhythm and Blues, as Valentine’s dignity hits rock bottom. Funny line here as Greg says “We’re on our way to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame” and Steve gets the exit line with “I’ll call ahead and warn them you’re coming.” This was definitely cut from the home video release. Dino Bravo v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan At least there’s no music to cut here. Duggan slugs away to start and backdrops Bravo, then clotheslines him out of the ring. Back in, he slugs away in the corner, but Bravo fires back to put him down and chokes away on the mat. Elbowdrop gets two. Duggan slugs back, but puts his head down and gets stomped down. Bravo charges and hits knee, but Jimmy Hart gets involved, allowing Quake to tussle with him at ringside. Jimmy tosses in the 2×4, but Duggan hits Bravo with it and gets the pin at 4:15. DUD Amazingly, they STILL pushed Bravo as a main event heel after this, which made for some of the most boring house shows you’d ever have the misfortune of attending. Jake Roberts v. Ted Dibiase This was another hot blowoff back in the day, as Jake stole the Million Dollar Belt this match was the first sanctioned one for it. I don’t get why they don’t make a new one and give it to Randy Orton’s version of Ted Dibiase, because god knows ANYTHING would make him a more interesting wrestler than he is now. (Didn’t they end up doing that, in fact? Still didn’t work, I don’t think.) It’s not like you could fault him for ripping off the gimmick, it’s HIS DAD! But I digress. Some guy holding the REALLY old version of the Canadian $20 bill at ringside kind of dates this show. I prefer the current one myself. They’re much more fun to play with using the UV banknote testers. But I digress again. Jake goes for a quick DDT and Dibiase slips out, then grabs a headlock. Jake escapes with a hiptoss and tries another DDT, but Dibiase slips away again. Another try, and Dibiase slides out of the ring. Back in, Roberts takes him down with a hammerlock and works on the arm, then reverses Dibiase out of the ring again. Back in, Jake puts his head down and pays for it, but Dibiase charges and hits knee. Jake tries the kneelift, but Dibiase was goldbricking him and moves out of the way to put Jake on his ass. The crowd is giving this one a HHH-Orton reaction, which isn’t surprising because it’s pretty dull going so far. Dibiase pounds the neck and hooks a facelock, which gives us the only notable part of the match (which was cut out of the home video) as the Skydome does THE WAVE~! Jake and Ted are smart enough to let this one ride itself out, and they continue with the resthold while the crowd amuses themselves. The wave is actually a very interesting social phenomenon if you stop to think about it for a few minutes (which we’ve got) as it requires a great deal of coordination amongst tens of thousands of people. Otherwise it can just look silly. Dibiase shifts into the Million Dollar Dream, but Jake makes the ropes and Dibiase gets two. Dibiase drags him to the middle and gets two. He goes up and gets caught coming down, as usual, and Jake comes back with a clothesline and the short clothesline that sets up the DDT. Jake stops to do the wrestling equivalent of monologuing and gets yanked out by Virgil as a result, which gives Dibiase the chance to attack from behind and beat the count back in at 11:50. Two countout finishes on a major show? Since this isn’t an official title, it changes hands on a countout and Dibiase gets it back. So boring I had a chance to download images of Canadian currency to kill time. **1/2 I should also note the following awesome exchange between Gorilla and Jesse: Gorilla: “He doesn’t deserve that belt, Jesse!” Jesse: “But he paid for it!” Gorilla: “Doesn’t matter.” Jesse: “So people don’t deserve what they pay for?!” Classic Jesse, and he’s got a point. Big Bossman v. Akeem NOT JIVE SOUL BRO! You bastards! This was quite the piece of business, as Dibiase had hidden under the ring from the last match and attacked Bossman to catch everyone off-guard and kick off their feud. “Hard Time” is now replaced by Bossman’s 1998 theme, which is just so bizarre and sad. So anyway, Dibiase kicks the crap out of Bossman, giving Akeem a distinct advantage to start, and he gets a corner splash for two. Akeem runs him into the corner and slugs away, but Bossman gets a horrible atomic drop to come back and clotheslines him. Bossman Slam finishes at 1:45. I’ve seen worse. 1/2* Rhythm & Blues debut their new song (complete with an amused DDP acting as chauffeur for the Cadillac) and sadly they don’t edit it out and replace it with a good song. The Bushwackers interrupt and smash the instruments to wrap up side one. PLEASE FLIP OVER THE DISC TO CONTINUE THIS RANT. Fuck this is a long show in unedited form. Side one was three hours and there’s still two matches to go. Ravishing Rick Rude v. Jimmy Snuka Rude’s got the slicked back hair here instead of the perm, the first sign of a change in his character. They even cut Snuka’s theme out. Without “Su-su-superfly” he might as well just be a midcard jobber! Hmm, bad example. (Good thing they didn’t edit out his daughter, Tamina!) Snuka slugs away to start and gets a pair of backdrops and a headbutt to the abs, which shouldn’t have any effect. Rude bails and comes back in with a sunset flip, but Snuka blocks, so Rude suplexes him and shows him how to properly swivel. They criss-cross and Snuka headbutts him down as commentator Steve Allen notes that he likes Snuka because he’s wearing his wife’s underwear. Gorilla: “He is? How nice.” Snuka goes up and then changes his mind and slams Rude instead, only to miss the eventual flying headbutt. Rude Awakening ends it at 3:48. And so Rude goes from comedy heel to main event threat, just like that. * And finally… WWF World title v. Intercontinental title: Hulk Hogan v. Ultimate Warrior Unlike some OTHER Wrestlemania main events, this is the one that lived up to every bit of the hype and gave the fans exactly what they wanted to see. The heat for this is UNREAL, with the crowd divided 50/50. Staredown to start and they do the shoving match, and then the lockup, which Warrior wins to start. Another lockup, and Hogan wins that one. The crowd is popping for everything. Warrior wants a test of strength, so they do that, and Warrior gets the advantage, but Hulk fights up from one knee and powers him down again. Warrior fights it off, so Hogan legsweeps him and drops an elbow for one. They do the CRISS-CROSS OF DOOM and Hogan slams him, but Warrior no-sells it. So they try it again, and this time Warrior slams him, and Hogan stays down. Clothesline to the floor, and Hogan whines to Hebner about hurting his knee. Hulk Hogan: Bumping Maniac. The selling is Oscar-worthy material. Warrior smartly goes right after the knee, as Hogan bravely fights off the fake pain and they head back in. Warrior goes for the knee, but Hogan rakes the face to hold him off, and they choke each other as the knee injury disappears for good. Hogan slugs Warrior from behind and clotheslines him in the corner, then hammers away on him. Hogan drops a pair of elbows for two. Front facelock, as Warrior is now blown up and Hogan has to carry the match. Let me repeat that: HOGAN has to CARRY a match. He gets the small package for two and hits the chinlock. He hammers on Warrior while down there, and then slugs away in the corner and chops him down. Axe Bomber gets two. Shoulderbreaker gets two. Back to the chinlock, as Warrior is sucking wind. Hogan works on the back and gets a backdrop suplex for two. Back to the chinlock, as we wait patiently for Warrior to join us back in the world of oxygen-breathing mammals again. Warrior fights out with elbows and they clothesline each other and both guys are out. Warrior is the first up, as he shakes the ropes to recharge his batteries, and Hogan is FLUMMOXED. Warrior slugs away on him and gets the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DEATH and some chops in the corner, and Hogan is begging for mercy. Suplex gets two. Guess he’s feeling better. And now it’s bearhug time. But man, once you’re not watching it live with a coliseum full of people on closed-circuit TV, the drama is reduced a lot. Ref is bumped on another criss-cross, and Warrior goes AERIAL, baby, hitting Hogan with a double axehandle. He misses a shoulderblock, however, and Hogan faceplants him, but there’s no ref. Warrior recovers with a backdrop suplex, and the ref is still out. Man, criss-crosses are a hazard to referees everywhere. The ref finally recovers and Warrior gets two. Hogan gets a rollup for two. Hogan slugs away and elbows him out of the ring, and they brawl outside. I was getting visions of a double-countout at this point in 1990, but it just ends with Hogan hitting the post as they head back into the ring. Warrior hits him with a clothesline and botches the gorilla slam (I mean, how do you screw that up?) and the big splash gets two, as it’s Hulk Up Time. Punch punch punch, big boot…but the legdrop misses, and Warrior splashes him for the pin and both titles at 22:46. I can actually appreciate Hogan’s efforts in carrying, and really the rest spots don’t hurt it that much compared to the awesome drama of Pat Patterson’s intricately booked spots here. And after all these years it’s still one of my personal favorite matches of all-time, regardless of the star rating. ***1/2 (The more astute readers in the audience may notice that I just copied the text for this match review from the previous version. And there’s a perfectly good explanation for that, but … HEY LOOK OVER THERE!) The Pulse: Although the show is a tad more bloated in the full version, it doesn’t hurt things as much as Wrestlemania V did and I still really like this one and can watch Hogan do a clean job over and over again without ever losing any of the magic. Good mix of stuff on the show, nothing horrible, great stadium atmosphere…it’s definitely one of the better of the early WMs.