super

Tonight is the Super Bowl and I’m sure there is some other stuff going on tonight as well. Regardless of what you are doing, talk about it here.

On this very date in 2003, TNA gave us the Super X Cup tournament. I couldn’t decide which of these matches was actually better….SO I POSTED BOTH! Unprecedented! Enjoy.

Game: Guacamelee: Super Turbo Championship Edition
Platform: XBox One, PS4, X360 and WiiU – Currently FREE on Xbox One with Xbox Live Gold
Did I pay for it: No.

So, of course leave it to Canadian developers DrinkBox Studios to
bestow upon the world Guacamelee: Super Turbo Championship Edition, which blends together the best of Super Metroid and Double Dragon with authentic Mexican flair and Lucha Libre goodness, and feels completely fresh at the same time.

Of course it’s easy to like everything about this game considering the wonderful first impression it makes. Guacamelee is bright and colorful, where the Latin influence is omnipresent in the design of the towns, characters, buildings, culture, and music. Especially the music, which is consistently enthusiastic and never dull. 

The entirety of the A/V presentation has a vibe that feels like a Carlos Santana song brought to life. The soundtrack making the experience a carnival that’s gone off the rails, and the visuals treating your eyeballs to colors to vibrant you’ll never look at somber indie games like Braid, or ‘realistic’ first person shooters the same way again.

The animation is precise and crisp, looking a lot like a late 90s cartoon, especially Disney’s Hercules and
The Emperor’s New Groove, where movements are lightning fast, faces are
exaggerated, and literally anything was possible if it resulted in a
good laugh. It also seems to be borrowing a page out of Family Guy’s handbook in that it’ll often skip a frame or two of animation during a punch, kick, throw, or emote to give the action a real impact.

Speaking of impact, unlike *real* pro wrestlers, Guacamelee is actually hitting people,  and combat is a real treat; combining traditional combo-mechanics with
wrestling style grapples and the ability to throw enemies into each
other. X serves as your punch button, Y provides your grapple, and B is
your special ability which varies depending on what your current
situation is. Combining these three buttons results in suplexes, tosses,
power bombs, and other assorted throws. There’s nothing like heading
into a room full of bad guys, getting a hold of one, stunning them,
grappling them, then chucking them at the bad guys just waiting for
their turn to tussle.

To have success at combat,
you’ll need to be aware of when to dodge enemies attacks, how to damage
them enough to grapple, and have the presence of mind to jump between
the light and dark worlds at the right time, as some enemies will be
bathed in shadow and impossible to hit unless you jump into a portal
that brings them into the light. It’s a real
blast, as dealing good combos isn’t too hard, but dealing a great one is
wonderfully rewarding and something you’ll strive to achieve every
time. When you toss in the wrestling-related grapples and details, it’s a
whole lot of fun, and you’ll cackle with glee every time you pull off some combination of moves and attacks that leaves your enemies dead quicker than you thought possible.

But you’ll stop laughing as you ascend the turnbuckle that is Guacamelee’s escalating difficulty. The game starts you off easy, as you learn basic combos and moves like a fire punch and combat roll that lets you get through thorny vines and dodge enemy attacks, but once you best the game’s first boss, prepare for a game that challenges your platforming strategy in the best kind of frustrating way. It’s not uncommon for a given puzzle to involve jumping from one pillar
to another, dropping down in a specific way to hit a special switch that
alternates what platforms are visible, then while free-falling, using
your dragon-punch-uppercut-thingy to make it onto the next ledge.
Thankfully, the game is forgiving in this regard, and you’ll rarely need
to re-do old areas to reach the one you screwed up on.

Aside from the punishing platforming, the over-all design of the game has its heart in Zelda II or Castlevania: Symphony of The Night. Guacamelee combines 2D action with RPG elements, NPC villages, ability upgrades, and interconnected paths. Progressing through the game unlocks special uppercuts, headbutts, wrestling moves, and other assorted abilities that help you sleigh your enemies, but also allow you explore more of the world.

It’s not unlike how in Super Mario World you’d stomp on that big yellow “!” block, and suddenly all the levels you previously visited had new and interesting paths to explore. Here, unlocking a headbutt means you can get past specific boulders, and a wall jump allows you to scale narrow walls without the need for platforms. You’ll do a lot of this path opening after beating a boss, and it’s a great feeling to return to town, smashing and breaking all the road blocks that were once in your way in order to secure all kinds of sweet loot that includes health upgrades, ability upgrades, and silver you can use to purchase new outfits with special bonuses.

If you have fond memories of Double Dragon, or Metroid, or Zelda II, or Castlevania, or Ultimate Muscle for some reason, Guacamelee is the ultimate homage to what made those games special, with a few direct references for garnish. Playing through this game is exciting, fun, frustrating, and most importantly, exciting. It’s a real roller coaster of fighting, platforming, exploration, and Mariachi. While we’ve seen countless 2D games with RPG and open world elements, very few are this stark and this confident and this pleasant to behold.

I blame Canada.

—— The “Super Turbo Championship Edition” of this game features a longer storyline, new enemies, and is clearly the best version of the game to get.——-

Holy CRAP.  I was going “eep” every time he jumped over the piranha plants like that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoZOiS0jzl8

A surprisingly advanced and playable Intellivision wrestling game.

Today we discuss what needs to go in the World of Independent Pro-Wrestling, biggest pops, and there’s Trish vs Mickie in the VS. Dig it.

One
of the biggest dates in wrestling’s history, as both Foley winning his
first WWF title, and the Finger Poke of Doom went down in the same
night. On the WWF side of things, it looked like The Rock might win
again, when all of a sudden Stone Cold Steve Austin showed up. He’d been
gone for a few weeks, and once the glass broke, the entire place lost
their fucking minds. I can’t do the response justice in text, you just
have to see it to believe it. Unreal. Oddly enough, this moment isn’t on youtube, and trying to encode DM vids here isn’t working.

Mickie just released a new music video that happens to co-star the former object of her obsession, Trish Stratus. Trish is often considered to be the Holy Grail of women’s wrestlers, and to be honest, I wouldn’t disagree. However, when we boil it down to just looks, I feel Mickie is the hottest of all time. I’m more partial to thick brunettes, so it’s no surprise. Anyway, I thought I’d open up the discussion here.

This Week’s Recko:
Payback [1999]
Payback is Mel Gibson’s last great action movie. Although to be fair, one should just call it Mel Gibson’s last great movie. He stars as Porter, a super-burly dude who has two emotions: Pissed off, and really pissed off. He’s a crook that’s been double-crossed for $70,000, and now he’s going to beat the shit out of or kill whoever he needs to in order to get it back. He’s a man of principal. It’s a throwback to the gritty crime noir films of the 70’s, while at the same time implementing a contemporary style. If you heed my advice on this, make sure you get the studio’s version. There’s a Director’s Cut out there, and it seems odd to say this, but it sucks. In what has to be the only time this has ever happened, a movie studio had far better judgment with the picture. So, avoid what’s known as the ‘Payback Edition’, and get the one that has ultra-bad-assed Kris Kristofferson as the crime boss.

No mailbag this week. I had a few emails, but they seemed like more direct questions than ones that would be entertaining here. Anyone else wanting to see their name in the bright-lights of my column, send any question, and I’m serious, ANY question; could be about relationships, working-out, wrestling, TV, movies, drug abuse, hell, you name it, I bet I can help. My dream is to one day be the Adam Carolla to someone’s Dr. Drew on a Loveline type show, so why not help peeps here, no? I’m serious, send’em in. [email protected]

As always, props to my editor, a Mr. Steven Ferrari. I met him while I was at this institution for troubled teens. Anyway, he came in as a special counselor, and said he knew about bad-dreams, and that even he had faced the man from my nightmares before. Well, from that point we became Dream Warriors. And baby tonight, baby tonight you’ll be gooonneeee…

Str8 Gangster, No Chaser
– I’ve started a new article series known as Man Etiquette, so you’ll know how to act in certain situations, I pay tribute to the burliest of the burly from the 8-bit era, talk
about people who shouldn’t use the internet [all of them], Saved By The
Bell
Archives, Comic Book Films You Didn’t Know Were Comic Book Films, plenty
of other goods.
WCW In 2000 – Recently updated with the infamous Bash at the Beach 2000. You know what’s shocking? The PPV is GOOD. No joke, it’s seriously good, and features the best match of WCW’s 2000 year so far.
Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol.1
– My book about action films. Endorsed by Scott Keith & Maddox, as
well as some fellow BOD’ers. Constant 5 star reviews on amazon. I mean, CONSTANT. Non-stop. Around the clock, baby.
Board for the BoD’ers – We average about 50 people a day stopping by, a constant cast of people posting, and you can talk about anything you want. 

Any requests, questions, comments, send’em to [email protected]

Coming up next, WrestleMania 29.

– Caliber Winfield

This week I talk about my favorite wrestling video games from the
classic systems, super-hero throw down, and we look at some Botchamania.

This game was pretty basic, but that’s what made it great. You had your
suplexes, bodyslams, head-butts, splashes and out of the ring brawling.
It was so much fun, I’d still spend hours playing it back in the year
1999, and I had shit like WCW vs. nWo – Revenge to play, so that should
tell you. You had the bomb cast: The Amazon, a Missing Link-like
creature who’d rock shit and eat the brains of people; Starman, who was
your white-bread hero; Fighter Hayabusa, he was the evil foreigner and
probably a Commie, so it’s best he got a real American smashing; King
Korn Karn, your awesome stereotype. He wanna wrest-o, preeze; Giant
Panther, I believe he was to be the Ric Flair clone, which doesn’t
really work, because I believe a Panther is capable of saving one
dollar; King Slender fought for truth, justice, and uh, being thin;
Great Puma is the World Champ, and, as expected, he’ll punch your face
so hard it’ll gut you. Dig it.

I use to play this game so much I had to wear band-aids on my thumbs because of the huge fucking blisters I’d get. At this point in my life, with the exception of Mortal Kombat II, there was no better way to spend my time. You had an awesome roster, theme music, special moves, uber-secret moves, and a ton of match styles: tag teams, tornado tag teams, Royal Rumbles. Guys would do run-ins, you could go out of the ring and use weapons such as a chair and a bucket. You could whoop the shit out of a guy so bad the fucking ref would quit. Man, I could go on and on about this for days.
Royal Rumble was basically the same. You just had a different roster and no uber-hidden moves. Also, when you won the tournament mode, The Fink would come into the ring and hand you the belt. Sure, it’s a small difference, but shit like that made a big deal to me. It was also the first to introduce the Royal Rumble battle mode, which rocked the fucking house.

If you were a wrestling fan who played video games, then this should come as no shock. There will NEVER be a better wrestling game. This gave you everything you could ever want. You could create your own style of wrestler, or create one who wasn’t in the game. You could brawl outside, send people into the back, put motherfuckers through tables, jump off ladders. You had a million types of matches: first blood, ladder, 2 out of 3 falls, tornado, Royal Rumble, steel cage… it was endless. You had incredible entrances, incredible gameplay, it was stunning. You could wrestle and put the title on the line. You could execute double-team moves such as the 3D. You had tournament mode, which had a ton of different paths. A store to buy things. Fuck, it was endless. The Smackdown titles would come out around the same time, and they sucked. You could throw someone off the top of a Hell in a Cell, and they’d pop up like I farted on them or something. So the only way I could release my pent up rage was to piledrive a guy onto his own groin. Don’t ask how that works, it just did.

In the end, No Mercy was the pinnacle, and the swan song. It’s the one that every wrestling game will forever be compared to, and with good reason. It wasn’t just the control scheme that made the game great, it was the pacing, movements, and seamless relation to what we saw in the ring. It did what any good content provider does: it saw what we liked, and gave us as much as they possibly could, so that today No Mercy is just as, if not more popular than it was during its initial release.

This week’s VS: The Cap vs The Bat
Environment can play to someone’s strengths, and since Captain America is on the super-juice, this battle takes place in Gotham. That being said, I think Batman would take this one. It wouldn’t be a land-slide, that’s for damn sure. It’d be one of those deals where Batman is about to lose, but he does the Johnny Cage splits-ball-punch. How say you?

This Week’s Video:
Maffew gave me my new catchphrase, “GO CALIBER GO!”, so I thought we’d have a look at what is not only the best moment in Botchamania’s history, but one of the greatest youtube videos ever.

Recko:
Wonderland [2003]
Based on the ‘4 On The Floor’ murders from 1981 that involved the first mega pornstar, John Holmes. Of course, at this point he wasn’t as much a pornstar as he was a pathetic, scumbag cokehead. The film details the summer of 1981 for a  group of drug-dealers & friends that live at the Wonderland apartments located in Los Angeles. One of their more frequent customers is Johnny Wad himself, John Holmes, who their starting to realize is more trouble than the novelty of having a pornstar around is worth. As it goes, one night they decide to rob a very rich, and apparently very violent gangster for all that they can. The consequences would make national head-lines.
It’s an absolutely fantastic film that completely flew under the radar, and deserved a major release. Val Kilmer, in his last great role, plays John Holmes, with a supporting cast comprised of Kate Bosworth, Lisa Kudrow, Christina Applegate, and Dylan McDermott. The story is told from two perspectives, leaving it up to the viewer to decide what really went on. This whole ordeal also served inspiration for the scene from Boogie Nights where Dirk, Reed, and Todd decide to rob a silk-robe wearing, Ricky Springfield [he’s a buddy of mine!] rockin’, Alfred Molina. Bottom line, it’s a hell of a movie, and worth any price you pay [or don’t] to see it.

Mailbag:
“Hey Cal, i know Scott has a backlog of email so i thought i’d use your articles to cut ahead in line. My question is, what was the first PPV you ever ordered? Mine was WMX which was something i got for my 10th birthday and made me a god at school”

Oh, is that all I am to you guys? Something you can use? Look, I’m awesome, yes, but I do have feelings.
My first PPV was Survivor Series 1995. I started watching wrestling in May of 1995, and watched every WWE PPV from June till November scrambled. Yeah, I RAN home, literally RAN home so I didn’t miss SummerSlam 1995. I had to see Bret take on Issac, and see how Big D would handle King Mable, and I watched it scrambled. So, I eventually begged and pleaded with my parents and we got SS95, I was so excited I could hardly sleep the night before. I recorded it and watched it again right after it was over. At school the next day I knew the score, and everyone else was a sucker.

Thanks as always to my editor, Steven Ferrari. Him and I met during an Arm Wrestling Championship that was being held in Las Vegas. I was drinking motor-oil, and he was there trying to win a truck, money, and the love of his son. He just needed to go over the top.

Str8 Gangster, No Chaser
– I pay tribute to the burliest of the burly from the 8-bit era, talk about people who shouldn’t use the internet [all of them], Saved By The Bell
Archives, Comic Book Films You Didn’t Know Were Comic Book Films, plenty
of other goods.
WCW In 2000 – Updating every week, and recently reviewed the very first Nitro for the anniversary of Nitro being off the air.
Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol.1
– My book about action films. Endorsed by Scott Keith & Maddox, as
well as some fellow BOD’ers. Constant 5 star reviews on amazon. I mean, CONSTANT. Non-stop. Around the clock, baby.
Board for the BoD’ers – Some hip cats doing some hip things.

Any requests, any questions you have for the mailbag,
send’em to [email protected]

– Caliber Winfield

This week I review WrestleMania 24, throw a question out for discussion, and once again find something from wrestling’s past that I had absolutely no idea existed.

Also, I want to apologize for the way the article looks. Blogger is an absolute piece of crap, and will completely change font-size, font-style, and word & image placement on a whim. You’ll save your article, it’ll look like you want it, but when published it looks like something completely different. That’s what’s going on here.

When I started on my WM reviews, I wanted to give some love to 25, then review my Top 2 favorites; 26 & 24. However, after reviewing 26 a week or so ago I realized it may very well be my favorite. I haven’t seen 24 in years, so let’s see if it’s still as groovy as I remember it. Suspense this good is why you come to the Caliber man.

———- TWO HOURS? Actually seems like five minutes given how Raw has been lately. http://adambrennan.wordpress.com/2012/11/07/super-smackdown-live/ Thanks, Adam ——————– I was watching a bit of the show during the Sheamus v Show tag match and JBL was a RIOT. 

The SmarK SUPER SmackDown Rant – 02.21.12

LIVE from somewhere not mentioned.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews & Booker T.

Daniel Bryan and AJ start us out, as Bryan gloats about main-eventing Wrestlemania.  Although “main event” is a bit of a stretch given he’ll be fourth from the top at best.  He claims to be the real Rocky story, but the Miz interrupts.  Whoa, dig the STAR POWER.  Miz takes credit for Bryan’s development into a star and wants to form a team, but now Sheamus interrupts.  Miz is mortified, but Bryan attacks Sheamus and runs off, leaving Miz to get walloped.

Sheamus v. The Miz

Apparently Teddy Long booked the match during the break.  We join it in progress with Sheamus holding an armbar, and dumping Miz to the apron for the forearms.  Sheamus slingshots in with a shoulderblock for two, but Miz necksnaps him.  Sheamus misses a charge and hits the floor off that, allowing Miz to work the arm for a bit and hit the running corner clothesline.  Double axehandle off the top gets two, and they slug it out, but Sheamus comes back with elbows and his own corner clothesline.  Backbreaker gets two.  Miz gets the neckbreaker for two and sets up for the Finale, but Sheamus escapes and misses the big kick.  Emerald Frozen finishes at 5:55, however.  I’m guessing they can just call that the Emerald Isle and they’re golden.  Fine TV match.  **1/2  Miz really needs something different to do at this point, though, because he’s going to get stuck in the wrestling equivalent of the Friend Zone and never escape.

Meanwhile, Aksana continues putting the moves on Teddy Long, but Big Johnny and his lawyer interrupt.  So Teddy announces that their office is the men’s room tonight.  Oh, burn.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

Must suck to be the Usos.  WWE is so desperate for tag teams that they throw R-BOOM together on RAW to bolster it, and the Usos still can’t even get off Superstars.  Swagger quickly gets the pump splash on Truth for two, and Ziggler drops the elbow and does situps.  Blind charge misses and Kofi gets the hot tag and runs wild, hitting a high cross on Dolph for two.  It’s BONZO GONZO and Truth takes yet another hard dump to the floor, allowing Ziggler to finish Kofi with the Zig Zag at 2:43.  I think this was actually Ziggler’s first win in something like two months, although I don’t get why you put the new team over the tag champs one night and then job them to another heel team the next night.

Meanwhile, Santino is training with the Cobra, but Heath Slater interrupts and gets spit on.  By the sock.  Yeah.  Luckily, Michael Cole helpfully points out that this was funny.

The Great Khali v. Drew McIntyre

Still not fired, I see.  Khali squashes the shit out of him at 0:27 with the tree slam.  This McIntyre storyline makes no sense.  So Teddy Long, weeks ago, says that he needs to win or he’s fired.  So he loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses…and then nothing, he’s still there, and still losing, and now there’s not even any stakes to it, he’s just a guy who loses.  So what was the point?

Meanwhile, Big Show is really quite upset at Cody Rhodes.  They still need to get to Shaq for Wrestlemania, so maybe they’ll go with Show & Shaq v. Cody & Barrett instead?

Big Show v. Mark Henry

Good god, let poor Mark take a month off and heal.  Show hammers him in the corner but misses the knockout punch, and Henry pounds him down to take over.  Mark steps on him and chokes him out on the ropes, laying down some quality trash-talk.  Henry misses a blind charge and Show comes back with clotheslines and the spear, but Cody Rhodes interrupts.  For some reason, Show stops wrestling and stands there staring while Cody shows a video of Show v. Akebono at Wrestlemania 21.  And he turns around into a slam and splash for two.  Henry must have the WORLD’S STRONGEST GROIN if he can bodyslam a guy with his injuries.  Show, however, puts Henry down with the Kassius Ohno punch and that match just stops at 5:00 or so with no winner announced.  What the fuck kind of finish was that?  *1/2

Ezekial Jackson v. David Otunga

As much as they do the fake laughter for dumb stuff, Johnny Ace coming out and doing the Teddy Long dance with no music is legitimately hilarious.  And Zeke cuts a DROP IN PROMO before the match so we know he means business.  Hopefully he lasts longer than 90 seconds this time then.  Otunga pounds away, but Zeke gets a pair of clotheslines in the corner followed by a splash.  Otunga escapes the torture rack by grabbing the ropes, and finishes with the spinebuster at 1:14.  So no, in fact Zeke lost even faster this time.  ½*  I think perhaps Teddy Long should consider upgrading his avatar in this feud.

Meanwhile, CM Punk talks up Teddy Long and hypes the main event tonight.

Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk

We’ve got half an hour left so that’s gotta be a good sign.  Michael Cole goes crazy for a “Twitter War” between Punk and Chris Brown, which is apparently about how Brown wants Hacksaw Duggan and Bret Hart to come back or something.  Hey, how about Punk & Rihanna v. Brown & Eve Torres for Wrestlemania!  They trade headlocks while Cole once again talks about how “#1 trend worldwide” means “most talked about subject on Twitter”, which is completely a lie.  That is totally incorrect and they are pathetic trying to make it sound like it’s true.  We take a break and return with Bryan hurting Punk’s arm and working on it in the corner, but a blind charge misses.  Punk whiffs on a springboard bodyblock, landing right on the arm to hurt it further.  By the way, add “developing story” to my list of annoying Michael Cole-isms.  It joins “building momentum” among many others.  Bryan throws the kicks, but Punk slugs back with forearms until Bryan takes him down by the arm again.  Bryan gets a nice dick heel move, grinding his knee into Punk’s face on the mat, before going to the surfboard hold.  Punk fights out of that with a backbreaker and either blows out his knee in the process or does a spectacular job of faking it.  That was just sloppy.  Apparently he’s fine because he fights back with the high kicks and tries the GTS, but Bryan goes the arm to escape and then exits the ring.  Sheamus tosses him back in and Punk finishes with the high kick at 9:42.  BUT WAIT!  Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim GM of RAW Johnny Ace WILL NOT STAND for this injustice, and the match MUST CONTINUE.  He’s got a point.  So we take a break and return with Bryan getting a rollup and holding the ropes for the pin at 11:32.  BUT WAIT!  Teddy Long continues wrecking a perfectly good match with overbooking bullshit and he also decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE.   Punk hits a tope suicida and back in for a springboard clothesline that gets two.  Back in, Bryan takes over again and gets a dropkick into the corner for two.  Top rope rana is reversed by Punk on the way down for two, and Punk blocks the seated kicks with a rollup for two.  Bryan reverses that into the Lebell Lock, but Punk escapes with the catapult and levels him with the high kick for two.  Punk goes up for the big elbow, but Bryan crotches him and they fight for the superplex attempt.  Punk puts him down twice, but Bryan just won’t die and finally gets his superplex…which Punk immediately turns into a small package for the pin at 17:29.  However, both shoulders were down, so apparently there’s no winner here either.  Long and Ace argue over it, and for some reason Long is endorsing Punk while Ace is endorsing Bryan, which is bizarre because you’d think they’d support the champions of their own show, personal feelings aside.  At least that’s what HHH told us a couple of weeks ago.  Anyway, great match, STUPID ending.  These were some spectacularly bad finishes tonight, although it’s tough to ruin Punk v. Bryan.  ****

The Pulse:

This was basically RAW part 2, and the entire show was god-awful up until the main event saved it, so please do yourself a favor and seek out that match, and feel free to ignore the rest of this crappy show.

The SmarK SUPER SmackDown Rant – 02.21.12

LIVE from somewhere not mentioned.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews & Booker T.

Daniel Bryan and AJ start us out, as Bryan gloats about main-eventing Wrestlemania.  Although “main event” is a bit of a stretch given he’ll be fourth from the top at best.  He claims to be the real Rocky story, but the Miz interrupts.  Whoa, dig the STAR POWER.  Miz takes credit for Bryan’s development into a star and wants to form a team, but now Sheamus interrupts.  Miz is mortified, but Bryan attacks Sheamus and runs off, leaving Miz to get walloped.

Sheamus v. The Miz

Apparently Teddy Long booked the match during the break.  We join it in progress with Sheamus holding an armbar, and dumping Miz to the apron for the forearms.  Sheamus slingshots in with a shoulderblock for two, but Miz necksnaps him.  Sheamus misses a charge and hits the floor off that, allowing Miz to work the arm for a bit and hit the running corner clothesline.  Double axehandle off the top gets two, and they slug it out, but Sheamus comes back with elbows and his own corner clothesline.  Backbreaker gets two.  Miz gets the neckbreaker for two and sets up for the Finale, but Sheamus escapes and misses the big kick.  Emerald Frozen finishes at 5:55, however.  I’m guessing they can just call that the Emerald Isle and they’re golden.  Fine TV match.  **1/2  Miz really needs something different to do at this point, though, because he’s going to get stuck in the wrestling equivalent of the Friend Zone and never escape.

Meanwhile, Aksana continues putting the moves on Teddy Long, but Big Johnny and his lawyer interrupt.  So Teddy announces that their office is the men’s room tonight.  Oh, burn.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

Must suck to be the Usos.  WWE is so desperate for tag teams that they throw R-BOOM together on RAW to bolster it, and the Usos still can’t even get off Superstars.  Swagger quickly gets the pump splash on Truth for two, and Ziggler drops the elbow and does situps.  Blind charge misses and Kofi gets the hot tag and runs wild, hitting a high cross on Dolph for two.  It’s BONZO GONZO and Truth takes yet another hard dump to the floor, allowing Ziggler to finish Kofi with the Zig Zag at 2:43.  I think this was actually Ziggler’s first win in something like two months, although I don’t get why you put the new team over the tag champs one night and then job them to another heel team the next night.

Meanwhile, Santino is training with the Cobra, but Heath Slater interrupts and gets spit on.  By the sock.  Yeah.  Luckily, Michael Cole helpfully points out that this was funny.

The Great Khali v. Drew McIntyre

Still not fired, I see.  Khali squashes the shit out of him at 0:27 with the tree slam.  This McIntyre storyline makes no sense.  So Teddy Long, weeks ago, says that he needs to win or he’s fired.  So he loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses…and then nothing, he’s still there, and still losing, and now there’s not even any stakes to it, he’s just a guy who loses.  So what was the point?

Meanwhile, Big Show is really quite upset at Cody Rhodes.  They still need to get to Shaq for Wrestlemania, so maybe they’ll go with Show & Shaq v. Cody & Barrett instead?

Big Show v. Mark Henry

Good god, let poor Mark take a month off and heal.  Show hammers him in the corner but misses the knockout punch, and Henry pounds him down to take over.  Mark steps on him and chokes him out on the ropes, laying down some quality trash-talk.  Henry misses a blind charge and Show comes back with clotheslines and the spear, but Cody Rhodes interrupts.  For some reason, Show stops wrestling and stands there staring while Cody shows a video of Show v. Akebono at Wrestlemania 21.  And he turns around into a slam and splash for two.  Henry must have the WORLD’S STRONGEST GROIN if he can bodyslam a guy with his injuries.  Show, however, puts Henry down with the Kassius Ohno punch and that match just stops at 5:00 or so with no winner announced.  What the fuck kind of finish was that?  *1/2

Ezekial Jackson v. David Otunga

As much as they do the fake laughter for dumb stuff, Johnny Ace coming out and doing the Teddy Long dance with no music is legitimately hilarious.  And Zeke cuts a DROP IN PROMO before the match so we know he means business.  Hopefully he lasts longer than 90 seconds this time then.  Otunga pounds away, but Zeke gets a pair of clotheslines in the corner followed by a splash.  Otunga escapes the torture rack by grabbing the ropes, and finishes with the spinebuster at 1:14.  So no, in fact Zeke lost even faster this time.  ½*  I think perhaps Teddy Long should consider upgrading his avatar in this feud.

Meanwhile, CM Punk talks up Teddy Long and hypes the main event tonight.

Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk

We’ve got half an hour left so that’s gotta be a good sign.  Michael Cole goes crazy for a “Twitter War” between Punk and Chris Brown, which is apparently about how Brown wants Hacksaw Duggan and Bret Hart to come back or something.  Hey, how about Punk & Rihanna v. Brown & Eve Torres for Wrestlemania!  They trade headlocks while Cole once again talks about how “#1 trend worldwide” means “most talked about subject on Twitter”, which is completely a lie.  That is totally incorrect and they are pathetic trying to make it sound like it’s true.  We take a break and return with Bryan hurting Punk’s arm and working on it in the corner, but a blind charge misses.  Punk whiffs on a springboard bodyblock, landing right on the arm to hurt it further.  By the way, add “developing story” to my list of annoying Michael Cole-isms.  It joins “building momentum” among many others.  Bryan throws the kicks, but Punk slugs back with forearms until Bryan takes him down by the arm again.  Bryan gets a nice dick heel move, grinding his knee into Punk’s face on the mat, before going to the surfboard hold.  Punk fights out of that with a backbreaker and either blows out his knee in the process or does a spectacular job of faking it.  That was just sloppy.  Apparently he’s fine because he fights back with the high kicks and tries the GTS, but Bryan goes the arm to escape and then exits the ring.  Sheamus tosses him back in and Punk finishes with the high kick at 9:42.  BUT WAIT!  Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim GM of RAW Johnny Ace WILL NOT STAND for this injustice, and the match MUST CONTINUE.  He’s got a point.  So we take a break and return with Bryan getting a rollup and holding the ropes for the pin at 11:32.  BUT WAIT!  Teddy Long continues wrecking a perfectly good match with overbooking bullshit and he also decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE.   Punk hits a tope suicida and back in for a springboard clothesline that gets two.  Back in, Bryan takes over again and gets a dropkick into the corner for two.  Top rope rana is reversed by Punk on the way down for two, and Punk blocks the seated kicks with a rollup for two.  Bryan reverses that into the Lebell Lock, but Punk escapes with the catapult and levels him with the high kick for two.  Punk goes up for the big elbow, but Bryan crotches him and they fight for the superplex attempt.  Punk puts him down twice, but Bryan just won’t die and finally gets his superplex…which Punk immediately turns into a small package for the pin at 17:29.  However, both shoulders were down, so apparently there’s no winner here either.  Long and Ace argue over it, and for some reason Long is endorsing Punk while Ace is endorsing Bryan, which is bizarre because you’d think they’d support the champions of their own show, personal feelings aside.  At least that’s what HHH told us a couple of weeks ago.  Anyway, great match, STUPID ending.  These were some spectacularly bad finishes tonight, although it’s tough to ruin Punk v. Bryan.  ****

The Pulse:

This was basically RAW part 2, and the entire show was god-awful up until the main event saved it, so please do yourself a favor and seek out that match, and feel free to ignore the rest of this crappy show.

The SmarK SUPER SmackDown Rant – 02.21.12

LIVE from somewhere not mentioned.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews & Booker T.

Daniel Bryan and AJ start us out, as Bryan gloats about main-eventing Wrestlemania.  Although “main event” is a bit of a stretch given he’ll be fourth from the top at best.  He claims to be the real Rocky story, but the Miz interrupts.  Whoa, dig the STAR POWER.  Miz takes credit for Bryan’s development into a star and wants to form a team, but now Sheamus interrupts.  Miz is mortified, but Bryan attacks Sheamus and runs off, leaving Miz to get walloped.

Sheamus v. The Miz

Apparently Teddy Long booked the match during the break.  We join it in progress with Sheamus holding an armbar, and dumping Miz to the apron for the forearms.  Sheamus slingshots in with a shoulderblock for two, but Miz necksnaps him.  Sheamus misses a charge and hits the floor off that, allowing Miz to work the arm for a bit and hit the running corner clothesline.  Double axehandle off the top gets two, and they slug it out, but Sheamus comes back with elbows and his own corner clothesline.  Backbreaker gets two.  Miz gets the neckbreaker for two and sets up for the Finale, but Sheamus escapes and misses the big kick.  Emerald Frozen finishes at 5:55, however.  I’m guessing they can just call that the Emerald Isle and they’re golden.  Fine TV match.  **1/2  Miz really needs something different to do at this point, though, because he’s going to get stuck in the wrestling equivalent of the Friend Zone and never escape.

Meanwhile, Aksana continues putting the moves on Teddy Long, but Big Johnny and his lawyer interrupt.  So Teddy announces that their office is the men’s room tonight.  Oh, burn.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

Must suck to be the Usos.  WWE is so desperate for tag teams that they throw R-BOOM together on RAW to bolster it, and the Usos still can’t even get off Superstars.  Swagger quickly gets the pump splash on Truth for two, and Ziggler drops the elbow and does situps.  Blind charge misses and Kofi gets the hot tag and runs wild, hitting a high cross on Dolph for two.  It’s BONZO GONZO and Truth takes yet another hard dump to the floor, allowing Ziggler to finish Kofi with the Zig Zag at 2:43.  I think this was actually Ziggler’s first win in something like two months, although I don’t get why you put the new team over the tag champs one night and then job them to another heel team the next night.

Meanwhile, Santino is training with the Cobra, but Heath Slater interrupts and gets spit on.  By the sock.  Yeah.  Luckily, Michael Cole helpfully points out that this was funny.

The Great Khali v. Drew McIntyre

Still not fired, I see.  Khali squashes the shit out of him at 0:27 with the tree slam.  This McIntyre storyline makes no sense.  So Teddy Long, weeks ago, says that he needs to win or he’s fired.  So he loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses…and then nothing, he’s still there, and still losing, and now there’s not even any stakes to it, he’s just a guy who loses.  So what was the point?

Meanwhile, Big Show is really quite upset at Cody Rhodes.  They still need to get to Shaq for Wrestlemania, so maybe they’ll go with Show & Shaq v. Cody & Barrett instead?

Big Show v. Mark Henry

Good god, let poor Mark take a month off and heal.  Show hammers him in the corner but misses the knockout punch, and Henry pounds him down to take over.  Mark steps on him and chokes him out on the ropes, laying down some quality trash-talk.  Henry misses a blind charge and Show comes back with clotheslines and the spear, but Cody Rhodes interrupts.  For some reason, Show stops wrestling and stands there staring while Cody shows a video of Show v. Akebono at Wrestlemania 21.  And he turns around into a slam and splash for two.  Henry must have the WORLD’S STRONGEST GROIN if he can bodyslam a guy with his injuries.  Show, however, puts Henry down with the Kassius Ohno punch and that match just stops at 5:00 or so with no winner announced.  What the fuck kind of finish was that?  *1/2

Ezekial Jackson v. David Otunga

As much as they do the fake laughter for dumb stuff, Johnny Ace coming out and doing the Teddy Long dance with no music is legitimately hilarious.  And Zeke cuts a DROP IN PROMO before the match so we know he means business.  Hopefully he lasts longer than 90 seconds this time then.  Otunga pounds away, but Zeke gets a pair of clotheslines in the corner followed by a splash.  Otunga escapes the torture rack by grabbing the ropes, and finishes with the spinebuster at 1:14.  So no, in fact Zeke lost even faster this time.  ½*  I think perhaps Teddy Long should consider upgrading his avatar in this feud.

Meanwhile, CM Punk talks up Teddy Long and hypes the main event tonight.

Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk

We’ve got half an hour left so that’s gotta be a good sign.  Michael Cole goes crazy for a “Twitter War” between Punk and Chris Brown, which is apparently about how Brown wants Hacksaw Duggan and Bret Hart to come back or something.  Hey, how about Punk & Rihanna v. Brown & Eve Torres for Wrestlemania!  They trade headlocks while Cole once again talks about how “#1 trend worldwide” means “most talked about subject on Twitter”, which is completely a lie.  That is totally incorrect and they are pathetic trying to make it sound like it’s true.  We take a break and return with Bryan hurting Punk’s arm and working on it in the corner, but a blind charge misses.  Punk whiffs on a springboard bodyblock, landing right on the arm to hurt it further.  By the way, add “developing story” to my list of annoying Michael Cole-isms.  It joins “building momentum” among many others.  Bryan throws the kicks, but Punk slugs back with forearms until Bryan takes him down by the arm again.  Bryan gets a nice dick heel move, grinding his knee into Punk’s face on the mat, before going to the surfboard hold.  Punk fights out of that with a backbreaker and either blows out his knee in the process or does a spectacular job of faking it.  That was just sloppy.  Apparently he’s fine because he fights back with the high kicks and tries the GTS, but Bryan goes the arm to escape and then exits the ring.  Sheamus tosses him back in and Punk finishes with the high kick at 9:42.  BUT WAIT!  Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim GM of RAW Johnny Ace WILL NOT STAND for this injustice, and the match MUST CONTINUE.  He’s got a point.  So we take a break and return with Bryan getting a rollup and holding the ropes for the pin at 11:32.  BUT WAIT!  Teddy Long continues wrecking a perfectly good match with overbooking bullshit and he also decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE.   Punk hits a tope suicida and back in for a springboard clothesline that gets two.  Back in, Bryan takes over again and gets a dropkick into the corner for two.  Top rope rana is reversed by Punk on the way down for two, and Punk blocks the seated kicks with a rollup for two.  Bryan reverses that into the Lebell Lock, but Punk escapes with the catapult and levels him with the high kick for two.  Punk goes up for the big elbow, but Bryan crotches him and they fight for the superplex attempt.  Punk puts him down twice, but Bryan just won’t die and finally gets his superplex…which Punk immediately turns into a small package for the pin at 17:29.  However, both shoulders were down, so apparently there’s no winner here either.  Long and Ace argue over it, and for some reason Long is endorsing Punk while Ace is endorsing Bryan, which is bizarre because you’d think they’d support the champions of their own show, personal feelings aside.  At least that’s what HHH told us a couple of weeks ago.  Anyway, great match, STUPID ending.  These were some spectacularly bad finishes tonight, although it’s tough to ruin Punk v. Bryan.  ****

The Pulse:

This was basically RAW part 2, and the entire show was god-awful up until the main event saved it, so please do yourself a favor and seek out that match, and feel free to ignore the rest of this crappy show.

The SmarK SUPER SmackDown Rant – 02.21.12

LIVE from somewhere not mentioned.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews & Booker T.

Daniel Bryan and AJ start us out, as Bryan gloats about main-eventing Wrestlemania.  Although “main event” is a bit of a stretch given he’ll be fourth from the top at best.  He claims to be the real Rocky story, but the Miz interrupts.  Whoa, dig the STAR POWER.  Miz takes credit for Bryan’s development into a star and wants to form a team, but now Sheamus interrupts.  Miz is mortified, but Bryan attacks Sheamus and runs off, leaving Miz to get walloped.

Sheamus v. The Miz

Apparently Teddy Long booked the match during the break.  We join it in progress with Sheamus holding an armbar, and dumping Miz to the apron for the forearms.  Sheamus slingshots in with a shoulderblock for two, but Miz necksnaps him.  Sheamus misses a charge and hits the floor off that, allowing Miz to work the arm for a bit and hit the running corner clothesline.  Double axehandle off the top gets two, and they slug it out, but Sheamus comes back with elbows and his own corner clothesline.  Backbreaker gets two.  Miz gets the neckbreaker for two and sets up for the Finale, but Sheamus escapes and misses the big kick.  Emerald Frozen finishes at 5:55, however.  I’m guessing they can just call that the Emerald Isle and they’re golden.  Fine TV match.  **1/2  Miz really needs something different to do at this point, though, because he’s going to get stuck in the wrestling equivalent of the Friend Zone and never escape.

Meanwhile, Aksana continues putting the moves on Teddy Long, but Big Johnny and his lawyer interrupt.  So Teddy announces that their office is the men’s room tonight.  Oh, burn.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

Must suck to be the Usos.  WWE is so desperate for tag teams that they throw R-BOOM together on RAW to bolster it, and the Usos still can’t even get off Superstars.  Swagger quickly gets the pump splash on Truth for two, and Ziggler drops the elbow and does situps.  Blind charge misses and Kofi gets the hot tag and runs wild, hitting a high cross on Dolph for two.  It’s BONZO GONZO and Truth takes yet another hard dump to the floor, allowing Ziggler to finish Kofi with the Zig Zag at 2:43.  I think this was actually Ziggler’s first win in something like two months, although I don’t get why you put the new team over the tag champs one night and then job them to another heel team the next night.

Meanwhile, Santino is training with the Cobra, but Heath Slater interrupts and gets spit on.  By the sock.  Yeah.  Luckily, Michael Cole helpfully points out that this was funny.

The Great Khali v. Drew McIntyre

Still not fired, I see.  Khali squashes the shit out of him at 0:27 with the tree slam.  This McIntyre storyline makes no sense.  So Teddy Long, weeks ago, says that he needs to win or he’s fired.  So he loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses…and then nothing, he’s still there, and still losing, and now there’s not even any stakes to it, he’s just a guy who loses.  So what was the point?

Meanwhile, Big Show is really quite upset at Cody Rhodes.  They still need to get to Shaq for Wrestlemania, so maybe they’ll go with Show & Shaq v. Cody & Barrett instead?

Big Show v. Mark Henry

Good god, let poor Mark take a month off and heal.  Show hammers him in the corner but misses the knockout punch, and Henry pounds him down to take over.  Mark steps on him and chokes him out on the ropes, laying down some quality trash-talk.  Henry misses a blind charge and Show comes back with clotheslines and the spear, but Cody Rhodes interrupts.  For some reason, Show stops wrestling and stands there staring while Cody shows a video of Show v. Akebono at Wrestlemania 21.  And he turns around into a slam and splash for two.  Henry must have the WORLD’S STRONGEST GROIN if he can bodyslam a guy with his injuries.  Show, however, puts Henry down with the Kassius Ohno punch and that match just stops at 5:00 or so with no winner announced.  What the fuck kind of finish was that?  *1/2

Ezekial Jackson v. David Otunga

As much as they do the fake laughter for dumb stuff, Johnny Ace coming out and doing the Teddy Long dance with no music is legitimately hilarious.  And Zeke cuts a DROP IN PROMO before the match so we know he means business.  Hopefully he lasts longer than 90 seconds this time then.  Otunga pounds away, but Zeke gets a pair of clotheslines in the corner followed by a splash.  Otunga escapes the torture rack by grabbing the ropes, and finishes with the spinebuster at 1:14.  So no, in fact Zeke lost even faster this time.  ½*  I think perhaps Teddy Long should consider upgrading his avatar in this feud.

Meanwhile, CM Punk talks up Teddy Long and hypes the main event tonight.

Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk

We’ve got half an hour left so that’s gotta be a good sign.  Michael Cole goes crazy for a “Twitter War” between Punk and Chris Brown, which is apparently about how Brown wants Hacksaw Duggan and Bret Hart to come back or something.  Hey, how about Punk & Rihanna v. Brown & Eve Torres for Wrestlemania!  They trade headlocks while Cole once again talks about how “#1 trend worldwide” means “most talked about subject on Twitter”, which is completely a lie.  That is totally incorrect and they are pathetic trying to make it sound like it’s true.  We take a break and return with Bryan hurting Punk’s arm and working on it in the corner, but a blind charge misses.  Punk whiffs on a springboard bodyblock, landing right on the arm to hurt it further.  By the way, add “developing story” to my list of annoying Michael Cole-isms.  It joins “building momentum” among many others.  Bryan throws the kicks, but Punk slugs back with forearms until Bryan takes him down by the arm again.  Bryan gets a nice dick heel move, grinding his knee into Punk’s face on the mat, before going to the surfboard hold.  Punk fights out of that with a backbreaker and either blows out his knee in the process or does a spectacular job of faking it.  That was just sloppy.  Apparently he’s fine because he fights back with the high kicks and tries the GTS, but Bryan goes the arm to escape and then exits the ring.  Sheamus tosses him back in and Punk finishes with the high kick at 9:42.  BUT WAIT!  Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim GM of RAW Johnny Ace WILL NOT STAND for this injustice, and the match MUST CONTINUE.  He’s got a point.  So we take a break and return with Bryan getting a rollup and holding the ropes for the pin at 11:32.  BUT WAIT!  Teddy Long continues wrecking a perfectly good match with overbooking bullshit and he also decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE.   Punk hits a tope suicida and back in for a springboard clothesline that gets two.  Back in, Bryan takes over again and gets a dropkick into the corner for two.  Top rope rana is reversed by Punk on the way down for two, and Punk blocks the seated kicks with a rollup for two.  Bryan reverses that into the Lebell Lock, but Punk escapes with the catapult and levels him with the high kick for two.  Punk goes up for the big elbow, but Bryan crotches him and they fight for the superplex attempt.  Punk puts him down twice, but Bryan just won’t die and finally gets his superplex…which Punk immediately turns into a small package for the pin at 17:29.  However, both shoulders were down, so apparently there’s no winner here either.  Long and Ace argue over it, and for some reason Long is endorsing Punk while Ace is endorsing Bryan, which is bizarre because you’d think they’d support the champions of their own show, personal feelings aside.  At least that’s what HHH told us a couple of weeks ago.  Anyway, great match, STUPID ending.  These were some spectacularly bad finishes tonight, although it’s tough to ruin Punk v. Bryan.  ****

The Pulse:

This was basically RAW part 2, and the entire show was god-awful up until the main event saved it, so please do yourself a favor and seek out that match, and feel free to ignore the rest of this crappy show.

The SmarK SUPER SmackDown Rant – 02.21.12

LIVE from somewhere not mentioned.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews & Booker T.

Daniel Bryan and AJ start us out, as Bryan gloats about main-eventing Wrestlemania.  Although “main event” is a bit of a stretch given he’ll be fourth from the top at best.  He claims to be the real Rocky story, but the Miz interrupts.  Whoa, dig the STAR POWER.  Miz takes credit for Bryan’s development into a star and wants to form a team, but now Sheamus interrupts.  Miz is mortified, but Bryan attacks Sheamus and runs off, leaving Miz to get walloped.

Sheamus v. The Miz

Apparently Teddy Long booked the match during the break.  We join it in progress with Sheamus holding an armbar, and dumping Miz to the apron for the forearms.  Sheamus slingshots in with a shoulderblock for two, but Miz necksnaps him.  Sheamus misses a charge and hits the floor off that, allowing Miz to work the arm for a bit and hit the running corner clothesline.  Double axehandle off the top gets two, and they slug it out, but Sheamus comes back with elbows and his own corner clothesline.  Backbreaker gets two.  Miz gets the neckbreaker for two and sets up for the Finale, but Sheamus escapes and misses the big kick.  Emerald Frozen finishes at 5:55, however.  I’m guessing they can just call that the Emerald Isle and they’re golden.  Fine TV match.  **1/2  Miz really needs something different to do at this point, though, because he’s going to get stuck in the wrestling equivalent of the Friend Zone and never escape.

Meanwhile, Aksana continues putting the moves on Teddy Long, but Big Johnny and his lawyer interrupt.  So Teddy announces that their office is the men’s room tonight.  Oh, burn.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

Must suck to be the Usos.  WWE is so desperate for tag teams that they throw R-BOOM together on RAW to bolster it, and the Usos still can’t even get off Superstars.  Swagger quickly gets the pump splash on Truth for two, and Ziggler drops the elbow and does situps.  Blind charge misses and Kofi gets the hot tag and runs wild, hitting a high cross on Dolph for two.  It’s BONZO GONZO and Truth takes yet another hard dump to the floor, allowing Ziggler to finish Kofi with the Zig Zag at 2:43.  I think this was actually Ziggler’s first win in something like two months, although I don’t get why you put the new team over the tag champs one night and then job them to another heel team the next night.

Meanwhile, Santino is training with the Cobra, but Heath Slater interrupts and gets spit on.  By the sock.  Yeah.  Luckily, Michael Cole helpfully points out that this was funny.

The Great Khali v. Drew McIntyre

Still not fired, I see.  Khali squashes the shit out of him at 0:27 with the tree slam.  This McIntyre storyline makes no sense.  So Teddy Long, weeks ago, says that he needs to win or he’s fired.  So he loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses…and then nothing, he’s still there, and still losing, and now there’s not even any stakes to it, he’s just a guy who loses.  So what was the point?

Meanwhile, Big Show is really quite upset at Cody Rhodes.  They still need to get to Shaq for Wrestlemania, so maybe they’ll go with Show & Shaq v. Cody & Barrett instead?

Big Show v. Mark Henry

Good god, let poor Mark take a month off and heal.  Show hammers him in the corner but misses the knockout punch, and Henry pounds him down to take over.  Mark steps on him and chokes him out on the ropes, laying down some quality trash-talk.  Henry misses a blind charge and Show comes back with clotheslines and the spear, but Cody Rhodes interrupts.  For some reason, Show stops wrestling and stands there staring while Cody shows a video of Show v. Akebono at Wrestlemania 21.  And he turns around into a slam and splash for two.  Henry must have the WORLD’S STRONGEST GROIN if he can bodyslam a guy with his injuries.  Show, however, puts Henry down with the Kassius Ohno punch and that match just stops at 5:00 or so with no winner announced.  What the fuck kind of finish was that?  *1/2

Ezekial Jackson v. David Otunga

As much as they do the fake laughter for dumb stuff, Johnny Ace coming out and doing the Teddy Long dance with no music is legitimately hilarious.  And Zeke cuts a DROP IN PROMO before the match so we know he means business.  Hopefully he lasts longer than 90 seconds this time then.  Otunga pounds away, but Zeke gets a pair of clotheslines in the corner followed by a splash.  Otunga escapes the torture rack by grabbing the ropes, and finishes with the spinebuster at 1:14.  So no, in fact Zeke lost even faster this time.  ½*  I think perhaps Teddy Long should consider upgrading his avatar in this feud.

Meanwhile, CM Punk talks up Teddy Long and hypes the main event tonight.

Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk

We’ve got half an hour left so that’s gotta be a good sign.  Michael Cole goes crazy for a “Twitter War” between Punk and Chris Brown, which is apparently about how Brown wants Hacksaw Duggan and Bret Hart to come back or something.  Hey, how about Punk & Rihanna v. Brown & Eve Torres for Wrestlemania!  They trade headlocks while Cole once again talks about how “#1 trend worldwide” means “most talked about subject on Twitter”, which is completely a lie.  That is totally incorrect and they are pathetic trying to make it sound like it’s true.  We take a break and return with Bryan hurting Punk’s arm and working on it in the corner, but a blind charge misses.  Punk whiffs on a springboard bodyblock, landing right on the arm to hurt it further.  By the way, add “developing story” to my list of annoying Michael Cole-isms.  It joins “building momentum” among many others.  Bryan throws the kicks, but Punk slugs back with forearms until Bryan takes him down by the arm again.  Bryan gets a nice dick heel move, grinding his knee into Punk’s face on the mat, before going to the surfboard hold.  Punk fights out of that with a backbreaker and either blows out his knee in the process or does a spectacular job of faking it.  That was just sloppy.  Apparently he’s fine because he fights back with the high kicks and tries the GTS, but Bryan goes the arm to escape and then exits the ring.  Sheamus tosses him back in and Punk finishes with the high kick at 9:42.  BUT WAIT!  Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim GM of RAW Johnny Ace WILL NOT STAND for this injustice, and the match MUST CONTINUE.  He’s got a point.  So we take a break and return with Bryan getting a rollup and holding the ropes for the pin at 11:32.  BUT WAIT!  Teddy Long continues wrecking a perfectly good match with overbooking bullshit and he also decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE.   Punk hits a tope suicida and back in for a springboard clothesline that gets two.  Back in, Bryan takes over again and gets a dropkick into the corner for two.  Top rope rana is reversed by Punk on the way down for two, and Punk blocks the seated kicks with a rollup for two.  Bryan reverses that into the Lebell Lock, but Punk escapes with the catapult and levels him with the high kick for two.  Punk goes up for the big elbow, but Bryan crotches him and they fight for the superplex attempt.  Punk puts him down twice, but Bryan just won’t die and finally gets his superplex…which Punk immediately turns into a small package for the pin at 17:29.  However, both shoulders were down, so apparently there’s no winner here either.  Long and Ace argue over it, and for some reason Long is endorsing Punk while Ace is endorsing Bryan, which is bizarre because you’d think they’d support the champions of their own show, personal feelings aside.  At least that’s what HHH told us a couple of weeks ago.  Anyway, great match, STUPID ending.  These were some spectacularly bad finishes tonight, although it’s tough to ruin Punk v. Bryan.  ****

The Pulse:

This was basically RAW part 2, and the entire show was god-awful up until the main event saved it, so please do yourself a favor and seek out that match, and feel free to ignore the rest of this crappy show.

The SmarK SUPER SmackDown Rant – 02.21.12

LIVE from somewhere not mentioned.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews & Booker T.

Daniel Bryan and AJ start us out, as Bryan gloats about main-eventing Wrestlemania.  Although “main event” is a bit of a stretch given he’ll be fourth from the top at best.  He claims to be the real Rocky story, but the Miz interrupts.  Whoa, dig the STAR POWER.  Miz takes credit for Bryan’s development into a star and wants to form a team, but now Sheamus interrupts.  Miz is mortified, but Bryan attacks Sheamus and runs off, leaving Miz to get walloped.

Sheamus v. The Miz

Apparently Teddy Long booked the match during the break.  We join it in progress with Sheamus holding an armbar, and dumping Miz to the apron for the forearms.  Sheamus slingshots in with a shoulderblock for two, but Miz necksnaps him.  Sheamus misses a charge and hits the floor off that, allowing Miz to work the arm for a bit and hit the running corner clothesline.  Double axehandle off the top gets two, and they slug it out, but Sheamus comes back with elbows and his own corner clothesline.  Backbreaker gets two.  Miz gets the neckbreaker for two and sets up for the Finale, but Sheamus escapes and misses the big kick.  Emerald Frozen finishes at 5:55, however.  I’m guessing they can just call that the Emerald Isle and they’re golden.  Fine TV match.  **1/2  Miz really needs something different to do at this point, though, because he’s going to get stuck in the wrestling equivalent of the Friend Zone and never escape.

Meanwhile, Aksana continues putting the moves on Teddy Long, but Big Johnny and his lawyer interrupt.  So Teddy announces that their office is the men’s room tonight.  Oh, burn.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

Must suck to be the Usos.  WWE is so desperate for tag teams that they throw R-BOOM together on RAW to bolster it, and the Usos still can’t even get off Superstars.  Swagger quickly gets the pump splash on Truth for two, and Ziggler drops the elbow and does situps.  Blind charge misses and Kofi gets the hot tag and runs wild, hitting a high cross on Dolph for two.  It’s BONZO GONZO and Truth takes yet another hard dump to the floor, allowing Ziggler to finish Kofi with the Zig Zag at 2:43.  I think this was actually Ziggler’s first win in something like two months, although I don’t get why you put the new team over the tag champs one night and then job them to another heel team the next night.

Meanwhile, Santino is training with the Cobra, but Heath Slater interrupts and gets spit on.  By the sock.  Yeah.  Luckily, Michael Cole helpfully points out that this was funny.

The Great Khali v. Drew McIntyre

Still not fired, I see.  Khali squashes the shit out of him at 0:27 with the tree slam.  This McIntyre storyline makes no sense.  So Teddy Long, weeks ago, says that he needs to win or he’s fired.  So he loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses…and then nothing, he’s still there, and still losing, and now there’s not even any stakes to it, he’s just a guy who loses.  So what was the point?

Meanwhile, Big Show is really quite upset at Cody Rhodes.  They still need to get to Shaq for Wrestlemania, so maybe they’ll go with Show & Shaq v. Cody & Barrett instead?

Big Show v. Mark Henry

Good god, let poor Mark take a month off and heal.  Show hammers him in the corner but misses the knockout punch, and Henry pounds him down to take over.  Mark steps on him and chokes him out on the ropes, laying down some quality trash-talk.  Henry misses a blind charge and Show comes back with clotheslines and the spear, but Cody Rhodes interrupts.  For some reason, Show stops wrestling and stands there staring while Cody shows a video of Show v. Akebono at Wrestlemania 21.  And he turns around into a slam and splash for two.  Henry must have the WORLD’S STRONGEST GROIN if he can bodyslam a guy with his injuries.  Show, however, puts Henry down with the Kassius Ohno punch and that match just stops at 5:00 or so with no winner announced.  What the fuck kind of finish was that?  *1/2

Ezekial Jackson v. David Otunga

As much as they do the fake laughter for dumb stuff, Johnny Ace coming out and doing the Teddy Long dance with no music is legitimately hilarious.  And Zeke cuts a DROP IN PROMO before the match so we know he means business.  Hopefully he lasts longer than 90 seconds this time then.  Otunga pounds away, but Zeke gets a pair of clotheslines in the corner followed by a splash.  Otunga escapes the torture rack by grabbing the ropes, and finishes with the spinebuster at 1:14.  So no, in fact Zeke lost even faster this time.  ½*  I think perhaps Teddy Long should consider upgrading his avatar in this feud.

Meanwhile, CM Punk talks up Teddy Long and hypes the main event tonight.

Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk

We’ve got half an hour left so that’s gotta be a good sign.  Michael Cole goes crazy for a “Twitter War” between Punk and Chris Brown, which is apparently about how Brown wants Hacksaw Duggan and Bret Hart to come back or something.  Hey, how about Punk & Rihanna v. Brown & Eve Torres for Wrestlemania!  They trade headlocks while Cole once again talks about how “#1 trend worldwide” means “most talked about subject on Twitter”, which is completely a lie.  That is totally incorrect and they are pathetic trying to make it sound like it’s true.  We take a break and return with Bryan hurting Punk’s arm and working on it in the corner, but a blind charge misses.  Punk whiffs on a springboard bodyblock, landing right on the arm to hurt it further.  By the way, add “developing story” to my list of annoying Michael Cole-isms.  It joins “building momentum” among many others.  Bryan throws the kicks, but Punk slugs back with forearms until Bryan takes him down by the arm again.  Bryan gets a nice dick heel move, grinding his knee into Punk’s face on the mat, before going to the surfboard hold.  Punk fights out of that with a backbreaker and either blows out his knee in the process or does a spectacular job of faking it.  That was just sloppy.  Apparently he’s fine because he fights back with the high kicks and tries the GTS, but Bryan goes the arm to escape and then exits the ring.  Sheamus tosses him back in and Punk finishes with the high kick at 9:42.  BUT WAIT!  Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim GM of RAW Johnny Ace WILL NOT STAND for this injustice, and the match MUST CONTINUE.  He’s got a point.  So we take a break and return with Bryan getting a rollup and holding the ropes for the pin at 11:32.  BUT WAIT!  Teddy Long continues wrecking a perfectly good match with overbooking bullshit and he also decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE.   Punk hits a tope suicida and back in for a springboard clothesline that gets two.  Back in, Bryan takes over again and gets a dropkick into the corner for two.  Top rope rana is reversed by Punk on the way down for two, and Punk blocks the seated kicks with a rollup for two.  Bryan reverses that into the Lebell Lock, but Punk escapes with the catapult and levels him with the high kick for two.  Punk goes up for the big elbow, but Bryan crotches him and they fight for the superplex attempt.  Punk puts him down twice, but Bryan just won’t die and finally gets his superplex…which Punk immediately turns into a small package for the pin at 17:29.  However, both shoulders were down, so apparently there’s no winner here either.  Long and Ace argue over it, and for some reason Long is endorsing Punk while Ace is endorsing Bryan, which is bizarre because you’d think they’d support the champions of their own show, personal feelings aside.  At least that’s what HHH told us a couple of weeks ago.  Anyway, great match, STUPID ending.  These were some spectacularly bad finishes tonight, although it’s tough to ruin Punk v. Bryan.  ****

The Pulse:

This was basically RAW part 2, and the entire show was god-awful up until the main event saved it, so please do yourself a favor and seek out that match, and feel free to ignore the rest of this crappy show.

Tuesday night fights and a Bryan-Punk match that’s sure to hit around **** before the interference begins to protect both guys and their respective matches.

Return of Del Rio and Christian? Maybe.

Come out swinging but keep it clean!

There’s a big game on today if you so care. So, I made a thread for you to discuss it. Okay, who are we kidding I just wanted to repost my Super Sunday Episode. Anyway, enjoy both today!

Remember to follow me on twitter! @maskedreviewer.

Also, game prediction? Sure. Giants 28 Patriots 24
One more thing, I’m trying to figure out what day of the week I should release my videos on. Anyone have any suggestions? I’ve been throwing them out there when finished as of now.

http://wp.me/pgJLq-xYy I feel like egging Titan Towers for this one.  Thank god John Morrison didn’t have to do a job to Miss Piggy at least.