royal — page 7

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 95 – Live from Tampa, FL. – Your hosts are Mr. McMahon & The King (2012 Scott sez:  I would have sworn on a stack of bibles that I did a redo of this show after the “Netcop” era, but I can’t find one, so I guess I’m losing my mind again.  This one is written in the post-2000 style, though, so who knows.)  – Welcome to the great downward slide of the WWF, as this is the first of many financially disastrous PPVs featuring Kevin Nash as World champion and a cast of characters that no one gave a crap about.– Opening match, Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. Jeff Jarrett. Case in point, this match, since Vince was so determined to get Jarrett over as a heel that as soon as “Roadie” Jesse Jammes gave Jarrett even the slightest heel heat, he got moved to the next level. 75% of the heat was for the Road Dogg, however, as evidenced by the Milli Vanilli storyline. (2012 Scott sez:  Are Milli Vanilli references still a thing?)Ramon’s fruity color of choice tonight: Banana yellow. Ramon hits a quick fallaway slam and chokeslam, causing Jarrett to bail. Stall session follows, as Jarrett plays headgames. We get a test of strength 5 minutes later and an armbar. Jarrett hits three dropkicks to finally get this horse kicking. Lariat gets two. Jarrett controls with some basic stuff that gets a few two counts. A swinging neckbreaker and feet on the ropes get more two counts. Ramon quickly slides out and posts Jarrett, and hits a messed up flying bulldog for two (Jarrett turned around to face Ramon before the move). Jarrett dumps him to the floor, and Ramon blows out his knee (and Roadie clips him for good measure) and is counted out at 11:44. Call it **1/2 for some decent stuff between the stalling. Jarrett does the standard thing for Ramon matches – he challenges him to quit being a chicken and continue, a situation that would usually take place on house shows and result on Ramon getting a quick Razor’s Edge to retain for real. However, that finish was pretty much squeezed dry six ways from Sunday, so they changed it up a bit as we head into… – Intercontinental title match #2: Razor Ramon v. Jeff Jarrett. Ramon gets a quick cradle and a small package, but Jarrett viciously goes after the knee. Figure-four gets Jarrett a few two-counts. Ramon makes the superman comeback and hits a backdrop superplex for two. Razor’s Edge, but the knee collapses on the way down and Jarrett covers for the clean pin and his first I-C title at 6:18. Second match was as good as the first, short as it was. ** – IRS v. The Undertaker. Massive stall session to start. Into the ring, more stalling. UT tosses him around. That’s pretty much the first 5 minutes right there. Dibiase jumps onto the apron and IRS collides with him, so Dibiase summons those ever-mysterious Druids (Jimmy Del Rey of the Heavenly Bodies and a Harris brother in black robes, so don’t bother Asking The Rick) to run some interference, but UT just ignores them. (2012 Scott sez:  Anyone play the “beat the Undertaker” storyline in Smackdown v. RAW 2011?  The all-Druid Rumble was kind of trippy, actually.)  Finally they manage to triple-team him long enough to give IRS the advantage. So what does he do? An abdominal stretch. Geez, no wonder the guy never made it past mid-card. He misses a splash and UT comes back. Those pesky Druids keep interfering, however, forcing Undertaker to keep fighting them off until he can hit a chokeslam for the pin at 10:45. Well, that’s 10 minutes I’ll never get back again. ¼* King Kong Bundy waddles in and IRS takes the opportunity to steal the urn and kick off another fascinating 8 month storyline for Undertaker.  (2012 Scott sez:  Ah, the good old days when someone would just steal the urn to generate an insta-feud with Undertaker, instead of having to be his brother or try to break the Wrestlemania streak or whatever.)  – WWF title match: Diesel v. Bret Hart. Diesel’s big feat was winning all three titles in the same calendar year, something not only duplicated by Steve Austin in 1997, but improved upon as Austin won all three titles…TWICE. Well, I guess the second WWF title came about a month shy of one calendar year after he won he first tag title (May 97 – June 98) but as my chem teacher used to say, good enough for government work. (2012 Scott sez:  Nowadays you’re considered a pussy if you don’t win all the titles THREE times in the same year, with extra points if you can win them in the same show.) Bret works the knee to start. He gets a figure-four early, but Diesel makes the ropes. Bret goes for it again, Diesel escapes again. Big D takes a breather, so Bret follows with a dive through the ropes and takes him down. Diesel whips him into the stairs and takes control back in the ring, working on Bret’s back. Sideslam gets two. He continues working on the back and tries a body vice, but Bret reverses out. Big boot and elbowdrop gets two. Bret bails and ends up using his wrist tape to tie Diesel’s legs around the post, giving Bret the upper hand. Bulldog gets two, and we go into…THE FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! Okay, quick moment of clarification for those who keep asking: The FIVE MOVES OF DOOM (always written in all caps, of course) are as follows – Bulldog, vertical suplex, russian legsweep, backbreaker and second-rope elbow. They are the setup moves for the Sharpshooter, although it doesn’t always follow them right away. Diesel bails after the elbow and Bret tries the dive again, but gets caught in mid-air and rammed back-first into the post. Diesel gets a good face pop for that, then tosses Bret back in and powerbombs him for the…wait a sec, here’s Shawn Michaels in to break up the count and attack Diesel’s knee. The ref decides to continue the match. Bret goes back to the leg, which Big Kev starts selling pretty convincingly. Figure four again, Diesel breaks it with shots to the ribs and lower back. See, that’s some WICKED psychology there, kids. They inflict injuries on each other and then use them to counter each other’s moves later on. He goes to work on Bret’s ribs and back in the corner, and a gut-wrench suplex gets two. Diesel gets caught in the corner and Bret posts him, then takes a swing at his leg with a chair, drawing heel heat. Sharpshooter, but now Owen comes out to break it up, and again the match continues. Diesel covers the unconscious Bret for two. Slugfest and Diesel goes for a chair, but changes his mind, which allows Bret the time to survey the situation and decide to play possum. Diesel goes for the powerbomb, but Bret small packages for two. That would end up being the finish for the eventual rematch at Survivor Series for that year. But in this case, Diesel kicks out, and then the ref gets bumped and EVERYONE runs in for the no-contest at 27:21. That was a pretty shitty ending right there. ****, more if it had a finish that didn’t suck. That rating kind of shocks me because I wasn’t thrilled with the match back in 95 when I first watched it, but it was way better than I remember it.  (2012 Scott sez:  That’s basically a Sportz Entertainment Finish, 2 years before such a thing was invented.)  – WWF tag team title, tournament final: Bam Bam Bigelow & Tatanka v. 1-2-3 Kid & Bob Holly. Kid & Sparky were the upset kings of the tournament, although going over Well Dunn in the first round and the Heavenly Jobbers in the second hardly counts as upsetting anyone in my book. Tatanka calmly works Holly over, then Bigelow plows through Holly & Kid. Bammer tosses the Kid literally 10 feet in the air, but he reverses to a rana on the way down. Some miscommunication gives the underdogs a brief respite, but Bob Holly’s recurring case of jobberitis pops up and he gets murdered by Tatanka. Both teams do a miscommunication spot, but poor Bob gets the worst of the situation because NOTHING is working for him tonight. He pathetically crawls to the wrong corner and gets beaten down. He’s got some pretty good sympathy heat going, I’ll give him that. Both Holly & Tatanka go for a cross-body and collide, allowing Holly to make the hot (and I mean HOT) tag to the Kid. Missile dropkick for Bigelow, and somersault tope for Tatanka. Bigelow does a Spike Dudley job on the Kid, tossing him onto the floor with a thud. Ouch. Bigelow then goes for the moonsault, but Tatanka tries his own move coming off the ropes, and they cross paths on the way and Bigelow ends up out cold on the mat and Tatanka is out cold on the floor. 1-2-3 Kid covers for the pin and the tag title at 15:44. Match was a wee bit too long for the story being told, but very good otherwise. ***1/4 The honeymoon only lasted a scant 24 hours, however, as the returning Smoking Gunns claimed the titles the next night on RAW. – The Big Angle of 1995 then follows, as ringside observer Lawrence Taylor makes fun of Bigelow for jobbing, and gets shoved down for his troubles. This was played as a shoot angle back then, but watching it today makes it pretty easy to tell it was a work. It led to the Bigelow-LT match at Wrestlemania XI, at any rate, so obviously SOME people bought it.  (2012 Scott sez:  Just imagine the buyrate for WM11 if they HADN’T done this angle.  Shawn v. Diesel in 1995 as a main event?  Yeesh.)  – Royal Rumble: This is the aggravating super-abbreviated version with 60 second intervals for time reasons. Vince hypes it as the “fastest-paced Rumble ever”, which is like when Microsoft finds a bug and calls it a “feature”. (2012 Scott sez:  Or Windows 7.)  The move pissed off EVERYONE, however, and hasn’t been seen since. Shawn Michaels gets #1, and British Bulldog gets #2. For those who weren’t around, Shawn’s participation in the Rumble was equivalent to Rocky’s this year: A mere formality. (2012 Scott sez:  Yeah, but technically BIG SHOW ended up winning the 2000 Rumble, which is what I was referring to there.)  So they gave him #1 to build suspense for his inevitable win. Bulldog manhandles Shawn quickly, with Shawn teasing elimination a few times. Spot I hate the most in the Rumble: Bulldog presses someone above his head, but instead of dumping them out, he just slams them to the mat. That’s just idiotic, and he (and Luger) do it EVERY YEAR they are in the Rumble. Eli Blu is #3. Duke Droese is #4. Jimmy Del Rey is #5. Mainly just punching and kicking going on. Shawn teases elimination again. Barbarian is #6. Bulldog knocks Del Ray out for the first elimination. Tom Pritchard takes his place at #7. This 60 second thing is ludicrous, there’s just no way to tell a story. Doink is #8 and everyone pairs off. Kwang is #9. Who would have ever thought that Savio Vega could actually be a step UP the gimmick ladder? When do you ever hear sentences like “Boy, he’s way better off with that Caribbean Legend gimmick now!” except in cases like Kwang?  (2012 Scott sez:  “Yeah, Dolph Ziggler is a stupid name, but at least he’s not a cheerleader or Chavo’s caddie anymore.”) Rick Martel is #10 on the downswing of his career. Too many people in there right now. Kwang almost knocks Shawn out. Owen Hart is #11, and his loving brother Bret attacks him and kicks his ass. Crowd eats it up, and by the time he’s done we’re at #12 with Timothy Well of Well Dunn. (2012 Scott sez:  Yeah, there’s some star power for you, they were stretched so thin that year that WELL DUNN is in this thing.  No disrespect meant to whichever one is dead now.)  Owen is tossed by the Bulldog immediately upon entry, followed by Droese, Well, Martel, Pritchard and Doink. Good riddance. Sheepfucker Luke is #13 as Eli & Kwang eliminate each other. Speaking of semi-famous Eli’s, here’s one for The Rick: Whatever happened to UWF midcarder Eli The Eliminator? I used to think he was pretty cool back in my mark days. And may I just say thank god the hick Spokane station we got in Vancouver carried Bill Watts’ UWF, even it was at 2 in the morning. I think it was KCPQ, but I could be off. Help me here, fellow Lower Mainlanders from the 80s!  (2012 Scott sez:  Most awesome 5-hour block of wrestling EVER.   WWF Superstars, then NWA Worldwide, then Pro Wrestling This Week, then GLOW, then UWF.  AWESOME.)  Shawn dumps Luke, leaving him and the Bulldog. Jacob Blu is #14 and a blind charge at Shawn ends his night. Back to Shawn & Bulldog. King Kong Bundy is #15 and the crowd seems worried for Shawn (who was actually a heel at this point, but getting sympathetic face pops by the bucketful). Mo is #16, and soon he’s no mo’. Mabel is #17, and I guess the gravitational pull of both him and Bundy is too much, because they collide and do a showdown. Sheepfucker Butch is #18 as Mabel & Bundy put more stress on the ring ropes than is mandated by law, and so the poor thing screams in pain until one of them falls out – in this case, Bundy. That darn gravitational pull acts up again, taking Butch with him. The man is so fat he’s a menace to the laws of physics. Mabel & Bulldog almost get Shawn out, but Lex Luger makes the save at #19. He tosses Mabel out, which is admittedly pretty impressive. Luger & Bulldog go after Shawn now, but speaking of fat people, here’s Mantaur (PN News’ little brother and future ECW reject Bruiser Mastino) to help out at #20. (2012 Scott sez:  Fucking MANTAUR is #20.  How did they not go out of business?)  Aldo Montoya (and really, how many jokes can be made about the poor guy?) is #21 and Shawn nearly knocks the jockstrap off his face with some rights (okay, so I’m weak…). (2012 Scott sez:  If mocking Pete Polaco is wrong, I don’t want to be right.)  HOG is #22. Billy Gunn is #23, Bart Gunn is #24, and my jobber sense is tingling as the match goes nowhere. Mr. Bob Backlund is #25, but Bret attacks HIM too, to the delight of the crowd. Luger’s elimination of him is academic. Steven Dunn is #26. Dick Murdoch gets the honor of being the Token Old-Timer at #27 and does pretty good for himself. Too many guys in there right now again. Adam Bomb is #28. Fatu is #29 as Mantaur goes out via Luger. Crush gets the honor of being #30. Interesting note: Although Vince tried to resuscitate Crush’s singles push after a horrible 1994, life intervened as Crush was arrested on weapons charges soon after this and didn’t return until 1996 as the ex-convict themed Crush. (2012 Scott sez:  Sadly, Brian Adams’ story, like most in wrestling, had no happy ending.)  Crush dumps both Gunns at once. Dunn is done. More milling around to use up PPV time. Somewhere in here, Vince and Jerry are discussing the co-winner situation from the previous year, and there’s a funny exchange later on: – Lawler: “I’m changing my official prediction to Shawn & Crush!” – Vince: “You can’t have two people winning the Royal Rumble!” – Lawler: “Well, it happened last year!” – Vince: “[Pauses] Well, that’ll NEVER happen again, I promise you.” The audible cringe in Vince’s voice is pretty funny. – Murdoch almost tosses Shawn, but Luger saves him. Crush backdrops Adam Bomb out, then Shawn gets rid of Aldo. Luger saves Shawn from Murdoch again. Crush dumps Fatu. Murdoch tries an airplane spin on Godwinn, but gets dizzy and falls out. Godwinn is still dizzy himself, so Luger gets rid of him. – Final Four: Shawn, Bulldog, Luger & Crush. Pretty good field for the final four. Luger tries the 10-punch count on Crush, and that’s so idiotic that Shawn can’t resist simply pushing him over and out. Shawn & Crush strike a bargain and beat up Bulldog, then Crush turns on Shawn and is about to press him out of the ring, but Bulldog charges and knocks Crush out of the ring and Shawn down to safety. So we’re back where we started at the beginning: Shawn v. Bulldog. Bulldog kills him and clotheslines him out for the win, but Shawn plays hot-potato with his feet, and eventually crawls back in and dumps the celebrating Bulldog out for the real win at 38:39. Replays show that indeed, Shawn managed to somehow only have one foot touch the ground. Good Rumble for the huge flaws imposed on it. ***1/2 Pamela Anderson celebrates with Shawn and looks none too thrilled to be a part of it. Yeah, because god knows BAYWATCH has way more critical acclaim and highbrow appeal than wrestling does… (2012 Scott sez:  Maybe that’s where Abdullah got Hepatitis from?) The Bottom Line: I’m torn on the recommendation, because actually everything is quite surprisingly great on this show, with the only weak match being the UT-IRS stall-fest. On the other hand, the show is so bland and historically meaningless that there’s no real reason to run out and watch it. Still, a recommended show for the wrestling alone.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 95 – Live from Tampa, FL. – Your hosts are Mr. McMahon & The King (2012 Scott sez:  I would have sworn on a stack of bibles that I did a redo of this show after the “Netcop” era, but I can’t find one, so I guess I’m losing my mind again.  This one is written in the post-2000 style, though, so who knows.)  – Welcome to the great downward slide of the WWF, as this is the first of many financially disastrous PPVs featuring Kevin Nash as World champion and a cast of characters that no one gave a crap about.– Opening match, Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. Jeff Jarrett. Case in point, this match, since Vince was so determined to get Jarrett over as a heel that as soon as “Roadie” Jesse Jammes gave Jarrett even the slightest heel heat, he got moved to the next level. 75% of the heat was for the Road Dogg, however, as evidenced by the Milli Vanilli storyline. (2012 Scott sez:  Are Milli Vanilli references still a thing?)Ramon’s fruity color of choice tonight: Banana yellow. Ramon hits a quick fallaway slam and chokeslam, causing Jarrett to bail. Stall session follows, as Jarrett plays headgames. We get a test of strength 5 minutes later and an armbar. Jarrett hits three dropkicks to finally get this horse kicking. Lariat gets two. Jarrett controls with some basic stuff that gets a few two counts. A swinging neckbreaker and feet on the ropes get more two counts. Ramon quickly slides out and posts Jarrett, and hits a messed up flying bulldog for two (Jarrett turned around to face Ramon before the move). Jarrett dumps him to the floor, and Ramon blows out his knee (and Roadie clips him for good measure) and is counted out at 11:44. Call it **1/2 for some decent stuff between the stalling. Jarrett does the standard thing for Ramon matches – he challenges him to quit being a chicken and continue, a situation that would usually take place on house shows and result on Ramon getting a quick Razor’s Edge to retain for real. However, that finish was pretty much squeezed dry six ways from Sunday, so they changed it up a bit as we head into… – Intercontinental title match #2: Razor Ramon v. Jeff Jarrett. Ramon gets a quick cradle and a small package, but Jarrett viciously goes after the knee. Figure-four gets Jarrett a few two-counts. Ramon makes the superman comeback and hits a backdrop superplex for two. Razor’s Edge, but the knee collapses on the way down and Jarrett covers for the clean pin and his first I-C title at 6:18. Second match was as good as the first, short as it was. ** – IRS v. The Undertaker. Massive stall session to start. Into the ring, more stalling. UT tosses him around. That’s pretty much the first 5 minutes right there. Dibiase jumps onto the apron and IRS collides with him, so Dibiase summons those ever-mysterious Druids (Jimmy Del Rey of the Heavenly Bodies and a Harris brother in black robes, so don’t bother Asking The Rick) to run some interference, but UT just ignores them. (2012 Scott sez:  Anyone play the “beat the Undertaker” storyline in Smackdown v. RAW 2011?  The all-Druid Rumble was kind of trippy, actually.)  Finally they manage to triple-team him long enough to give IRS the advantage. So what does he do? An abdominal stretch. Geez, no wonder the guy never made it past mid-card. He misses a splash and UT comes back. Those pesky Druids keep interfering, however, forcing Undertaker to keep fighting them off until he can hit a chokeslam for the pin at 10:45. Well, that’s 10 minutes I’ll never get back again. ¼* King Kong Bundy waddles in and IRS takes the opportunity to steal the urn and kick off another fascinating 8 month storyline for Undertaker.  (2012 Scott sez:  Ah, the good old days when someone would just steal the urn to generate an insta-feud with Undertaker, instead of having to be his brother or try to break the Wrestlemania streak or whatever.)  – WWF title match: Diesel v. Bret Hart. Diesel’s big feat was winning all three titles in the same calendar year, something not only duplicated by Steve Austin in 1997, but improved upon as Austin won all three titles…TWICE. Well, I guess the second WWF title came about a month shy of one calendar year after he won he first tag title (May 97 – June 98) but as my chem teacher used to say, good enough for government work. (2012 Scott sez:  Nowadays you’re considered a pussy if you don’t win all the titles THREE times in the same year, with extra points if you can win them in the same show.) Bret works the knee to start. He gets a figure-four early, but Diesel makes the ropes. Bret goes for it again, Diesel escapes again. Big D takes a breather, so Bret follows with a dive through the ropes and takes him down. Diesel whips him into the stairs and takes control back in the ring, working on Bret’s back. Sideslam gets two. He continues working on the back and tries a body vice, but Bret reverses out. Big boot and elbowdrop gets two. Bret bails and ends up using his wrist tape to tie Diesel’s legs around the post, giving Bret the upper hand. Bulldog gets two, and we go into…THE FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! Okay, quick moment of clarification for those who keep asking: The FIVE MOVES OF DOOM (always written in all caps, of course) are as follows – Bulldog, vertical suplex, russian legsweep, backbreaker and second-rope elbow. They are the setup moves for the Sharpshooter, although it doesn’t always follow them right away. Diesel bails after the elbow and Bret tries the dive again, but gets caught in mid-air and rammed back-first into the post. Diesel gets a good face pop for that, then tosses Bret back in and powerbombs him for the…wait a sec, here’s Shawn Michaels in to break up the count and attack Diesel’s knee. The ref decides to continue the match. Bret goes back to the leg, which Big Kev starts selling pretty convincingly. Figure four again, Diesel breaks it with shots to the ribs and lower back. See, that’s some WICKED psychology there, kids. They inflict injuries on each other and then use them to counter each other’s moves later on. He goes to work on Bret’s ribs and back in the corner, and a gut-wrench suplex gets two. Diesel gets caught in the corner and Bret posts him, then takes a swing at his leg with a chair, drawing heel heat. Sharpshooter, but now Owen comes out to break it up, and again the match continues. Diesel covers the unconscious Bret for two. Slugfest and Diesel goes for a chair, but changes his mind, which allows Bret the time to survey the situation and decide to play possum. Diesel goes for the powerbomb, but Bret small packages for two. That would end up being the finish for the eventual rematch at Survivor Series for that year. But in this case, Diesel kicks out, and then the ref gets bumped and EVERYONE runs in for the no-contest at 27:21. That was a pretty shitty ending right there. ****, more if it had a finish that didn’t suck. That rating kind of shocks me because I wasn’t thrilled with the match back in 95 when I first watched it, but it was way better than I remember it.  (2012 Scott sez:  That’s basically a Sportz Entertainment Finish, 2 years before such a thing was invented.)  – WWF tag team title, tournament final: Bam Bam Bigelow & Tatanka v. 1-2-3 Kid & Bob Holly. Kid & Sparky were the upset kings of the tournament, although going over Well Dunn in the first round and the Heavenly Jobbers in the second hardly counts as upsetting anyone in my book. Tatanka calmly works Holly over, then Bigelow plows through Holly & Kid. Bammer tosses the Kid literally 10 feet in the air, but he reverses to a rana on the way down. Some miscommunication gives the underdogs a brief respite, but Bob Holly’s recurring case of jobberitis pops up and he gets murdered by Tatanka. Both teams do a miscommunication spot, but poor Bob gets the worst of the situation because NOTHING is working for him tonight. He pathetically crawls to the wrong corner and gets beaten down. He’s got some pretty good sympathy heat going, I’ll give him that. Both Holly & Tatanka go for a cross-body and collide, allowing Holly to make the hot (and I mean HOT) tag to the Kid. Missile dropkick for Bigelow, and somersault tope for Tatanka. Bigelow does a Spike Dudley job on the Kid, tossing him onto the floor with a thud. Ouch. Bigelow then goes for the moonsault, but Tatanka tries his own move coming off the ropes, and they cross paths on the way and Bigelow ends up out cold on the mat and Tatanka is out cold on the floor. 1-2-3 Kid covers for the pin and the tag title at 15:44. Match was a wee bit too long for the story being told, but very good otherwise. ***1/4 The honeymoon only lasted a scant 24 hours, however, as the returning Smoking Gunns claimed the titles the next night on RAW. – The Big Angle of 1995 then follows, as ringside observer Lawrence Taylor makes fun of Bigelow for jobbing, and gets shoved down for his troubles. This was played as a shoot angle back then, but watching it today makes it pretty easy to tell it was a work. It led to the Bigelow-LT match at Wrestlemania XI, at any rate, so obviously SOME people bought it.  (2012 Scott sez:  Just imagine the buyrate for WM11 if they HADN’T done this angle.  Shawn v. Diesel in 1995 as a main event?  Yeesh.)  – Royal Rumble: This is the aggravating super-abbreviated version with 60 second intervals for time reasons. Vince hypes it as the “fastest-paced Rumble ever”, which is like when Microsoft finds a bug and calls it a “feature”. (2012 Scott sez:  Or Windows 7.)  The move pissed off EVERYONE, however, and hasn’t been seen since. Shawn Michaels gets #1, and British Bulldog gets #2. For those who weren’t around, Shawn’s participation in the Rumble was equivalent to Rocky’s this year: A mere formality. (2012 Scott sez:  Yeah, but technically BIG SHOW ended up winning the 2000 Rumble, which is what I was referring to there.)  So they gave him #1 to build suspense for his inevitable win. Bulldog manhandles Shawn quickly, with Shawn teasing elimination a few times. Spot I hate the most in the Rumble: Bulldog presses someone above his head, but instead of dumping them out, he just slams them to the mat. That’s just idiotic, and he (and Luger) do it EVERY YEAR they are in the Rumble. Eli Blu is #3. Duke Droese is #4. Jimmy Del Rey is #5. Mainly just punching and kicking going on. Shawn teases elimination again. Barbarian is #6. Bulldog knocks Del Ray out for the first elimination. Tom Pritchard takes his place at #7. This 60 second thing is ludicrous, there’s just no way to tell a story. Doink is #8 and everyone pairs off. Kwang is #9. Who would have ever thought that Savio Vega could actually be a step UP the gimmick ladder? When do you ever hear sentences like “Boy, he’s way better off with that Caribbean Legend gimmick now!” except in cases like Kwang?  (2012 Scott sez:  “Yeah, Dolph Ziggler is a stupid name, but at least he’s not a cheerleader or Chavo’s caddie anymore.”) Rick Martel is #10 on the downswing of his career. Too many people in there right now. Kwang almost knocks Shawn out. Owen Hart is #11, and his loving brother Bret attacks him and kicks his ass. Crowd eats it up, and by the time he’s done we’re at #12 with Timothy Well of Well Dunn. (2012 Scott sez:  Yeah, there’s some star power for you, they were stretched so thin that year that WELL DUNN is in this thing.  No disrespect meant to whichever one is dead now.)  Owen is tossed by the Bulldog immediately upon entry, followed by Droese, Well, Martel, Pritchard and Doink. Good riddance. Sheepfucker Luke is #13 as Eli & Kwang eliminate each other. Speaking of semi-famous Eli’s, here’s one for The Rick: Whatever happened to UWF midcarder Eli The Eliminator? I used to think he was pretty cool back in my mark days. And may I just say thank god the hick Spokane station we got in Vancouver carried Bill Watts’ UWF, even it was at 2 in the morning. I think it was KCPQ, but I could be off. Help me here, fellow Lower Mainlanders from the 80s!  (2012 Scott sez:  Most awesome 5-hour block of wrestling EVER.   WWF Superstars, then NWA Worldwide, then Pro Wrestling This Week, then GLOW, then UWF.  AWESOME.)  Shawn dumps Luke, leaving him and the Bulldog. Jacob Blu is #14 and a blind charge at Shawn ends his night. Back to Shawn & Bulldog. King Kong Bundy is #15 and the crowd seems worried for Shawn (who was actually a heel at this point, but getting sympathetic face pops by the bucketful). Mo is #16, and soon he’s no mo’. Mabel is #17, and I guess the gravitational pull of both him and Bundy is too much, because they collide and do a showdown. Sheepfucker Butch is #18 as Mabel & Bundy put more stress on the ring ropes than is mandated by law, and so the poor thing screams in pain until one of them falls out – in this case, Bundy. That darn gravitational pull acts up again, taking Butch with him. The man is so fat he’s a menace to the laws of physics. Mabel & Bulldog almost get Shawn out, but Lex Luger makes the save at #19. He tosses Mabel out, which is admittedly pretty impressive. Luger & Bulldog go after Shawn now, but speaking of fat people, here’s Mantaur (PN News’ little brother and future ECW reject Bruiser Mastino) to help out at #20. (2012 Scott sez:  Fucking MANTAUR is #20.  How did they not go out of business?)  Aldo Montoya (and really, how many jokes can be made about the poor guy?) is #21 and Shawn nearly knocks the jockstrap off his face with some rights (okay, so I’m weak…). (2012 Scott sez:  If mocking Pete Polaco is wrong, I don’t want to be right.)  HOG is #22. Billy Gunn is #23, Bart Gunn is #24, and my jobber sense is tingling as the match goes nowhere. Mr. Bob Backlund is #25, but Bret attacks HIM too, to the delight of the crowd. Luger’s elimination of him is academic. Steven Dunn is #26. Dick Murdoch gets the honor of being the Token Old-Timer at #27 and does pretty good for himself. Too many guys in there right now again. Adam Bomb is #28. Fatu is #29 as Mantaur goes out via Luger. Crush gets the honor of being #30. Interesting note: Although Vince tried to resuscitate Crush’s singles push after a horrible 1994, life intervened as Crush was arrested on weapons charges soon after this and didn’t return until 1996 as the ex-convict themed Crush. (2012 Scott sez:  Sadly, Brian Adams’ story, like most in wrestling, had no happy ending.)  Crush dumps both Gunns at once. Dunn is done. More milling around to use up PPV time. Somewhere in here, Vince and Jerry are discussing the co-winner situation from the previous year, and there’s a funny exchange later on: – Lawler: “I’m changing my official prediction to Shawn & Crush!” – Vince: “You can’t have two people winning the Royal Rumble!” – Lawler: “Well, it happened last year!” – Vince: “[Pauses] Well, that’ll NEVER happen again, I promise you.” The audible cringe in Vince’s voice is pretty funny. – Murdoch almost tosses Shawn, but Luger saves him. Crush backdrops Adam Bomb out, then Shawn gets rid of Aldo. Luger saves Shawn from Murdoch again. Crush dumps Fatu. Murdoch tries an airplane spin on Godwinn, but gets dizzy and falls out. Godwinn is still dizzy himself, so Luger gets rid of him. – Final Four: Shawn, Bulldog, Luger & Crush. Pretty good field for the final four. Luger tries the 10-punch count on Crush, and that’s so idiotic that Shawn can’t resist simply pushing him over and out. Shawn & Crush strike a bargain and beat up Bulldog, then Crush turns on Shawn and is about to press him out of the ring, but Bulldog charges and knocks Crush out of the ring and Shawn down to safety. So we’re back where we started at the beginning: Shawn v. Bulldog. Bulldog kills him and clotheslines him out for the win, but Shawn plays hot-potato with his feet, and eventually crawls back in and dumps the celebrating Bulldog out for the real win at 38:39. Replays show that indeed, Shawn managed to somehow only have one foot touch the ground. Good Rumble for the huge flaws imposed on it. ***1/2 Pamela Anderson celebrates with Shawn and looks none too thrilled to be a part of it. Yeah, because god knows BAYWATCH has way more critical acclaim and highbrow appeal than wrestling does… (2012 Scott sez:  Maybe that’s where Abdullah got Hepatitis from?) The Bottom Line: I’m torn on the recommendation, because actually everything is quite surprisingly great on this show, with the only weak match being the UT-IRS stall-fest. On the other hand, the show is so bland and historically meaningless that there’s no real reason to run out and watch it. Still, a recommended show for the wrestling alone.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 94 – Live from Providence, Rhode Island. Is that the state or Dusty while he’s swimming? – Your hosts are Ted Dibiase (the Million Dollar Man) and Vince McMahon (The Billion Dollar Man). Triviata: Ted Dibiase is the only color man to have done a PPV with both Vince McMahon AND Eric Bischoff (this show and Souled Out 97 respectively), although I don’t know if the same applies to TV broadcasts. If you add TV broadcasts, you can add Bobby Heenan to that list.– Opening match: Tatanka v. Bam Bam Bigelow. This was supposed to be Tatanka v. Ludvig Borga, but ol’ Tony had an ankle injury that ended up changing the course of the WWF. Ludvig was supposed to win this match, using it as a stepping stone to the World title a couple of weeks after, then losing it to Lex Luger at Wrestlemania X. Of course, things turned out much differently. (2012 Scott sez:  This is of course a very dubious proposition spread mostly by Tony Halme himself.)  Tatanka is painted like Peter Criss tonight. You know what’s sad? I made that joke in 1994 and no one got it. Now suddenly KISS makes a comeback and the reference isn’t half as witty as it was. I wonder if Dennis Miller has these kinds of problems. (2012 Scott sez:  I’m totally into old KISS these days.  I actually got into them in the 80s listening to their non-makeup hair metal era, but now all I listen to is the 70s stuff from the debut album through to the “Music From The Elder” atrocity.)   Slugfest to start, and Tatanka blows a bunch of stuff. Well, really he just blows, but I figured I might as well finish the sentence. (2012 Scott sez:  Hey now, I don’t mind Tatanka these days.)  The announcers talk about both men competing in the Rumble later on, which marked the first year that depletion of the roster due to the you-know-what trials forced multiple appearances for the talent on the Rumble card. Now it’s standard practice. (2012 Scott sez:  Now we’ve swung the other way in the post-WCW world, with so many people on the roster that they’ve talked about doing separate RAW and Smackdown Rumbles at times.)  It was a pretty big thing at the time, however. Bearhuggery abounds here. Tatanka tries the Pissed Off Racial Stereotype Comeback, but takes an enzuigiri. Bigelow mocks him, but misses his goofy moonsault, and Tatanka finishes with a flying bodypress at 8:10. This was there. * – WWF tag team title match: The Quebecers v. Bret & Owen Hart. I really need a high quality MP3 of that theme song. RSPW was creaming themselves once the 123 X-Pac and Marty Jannetty won the tag titles on RAW, because we thought we’d get a ***** match out of the deal. Sadly, the match was never changed to that combo (it would have been a standard Harts-Quebecers tag match) and besides which, the Quebecers regained the belts in MSG a week later. Oh, by the way, the WWF Sledgehammer of Plot Committee would just like to remind everyone that EVERYTHING IS ABSOLUTELY FINE between the Harts, thank you very much. Harts double-team the champs to start. Odd moment: Vince McMahon accuses Dibiase of being a limelight hog for most of his career. I won’t even start on that one, because I’ll go on for 5 paragraphs. Champs stall for a bit after Bret gets about 10 two-counts to frustrate Jacques. Pierre cheapshots Bret and a brawl erupts. Cool spot: We do the “double whip, dosey-do” bit that sends Owen & Bret crashing into each other, but Bret immediately whips Owen into Pierre, which allows Owen to switch to a spear move in mid-air, then upon impact roll up Pierre for a two count. That is seriously damn cool. Note to Edge & Christian: Start doing shit like that more often. Leg lariat gets two for Owen. Side suplex gets two. Bret comes in but gets powerslammed into face-in-peril mode to begin the first heat segment of the match. Owen eventually gets a hot tag and suplexes everything in sight. Sharpshooter on Jacques, but another cheapshot breaks it, and we get heat segment #2, this time on Owen. Bret comes back in quickly, hitting the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM on Pierre. Johnny Polo (Raven) pulls down the ropes and Bret falls to the floor, hurting his knee. This begins heats segment #3, as the Quebecers work his knee and generally cheat like rabid weasels. (2012 Scott sez:  “rabid weasels”?!?) We work the countout tease for a bit, then Owen tosses Bret back in. The champs hurt the knee for a while and go for the cannonball finisher, but Bret moves…and won’t tag Owen. Instead, he tries the Sharpshooter on Pierre, but his own knee gives way, and the ref stops the match at 16:44. What a jerk. If I was Owen, I’d turn on him, too. Owen is rightfully pissed, and verbally abuses his poor brother while he rolls around on the mat clutching his knee. Bret fights his way to his feet (to applause), so Owen KICKS HIS LEG OUT OF HIS LEG! Don’t worry, I’ll explain the reference next paragraph. Big heel heat for Owen there. Great match, great angle that makes Bret an even bigger babyface and Owen a huge heel with one kick. **** – Toad Pedophile finds Owen in the locker room, allowing Owen to deliver his semi-famous “YOU’RE TOO DAMN SELFISH” interview, where he berates Bret for only thinking of himself, then stumbles over his big line: He was supposed to say “…and that’s why I kicked your leg out from under you!” but instead he ended up saying “…and that’s why I kicked your leg out of your…uh…leg.”, which sounded much lamer. For comparison, compare the tone of voice in Austin Powers when he says “Allow myself to…uh…introduce myself”. Same thing. – Intercontinental title match: Razor Ramon v. IRS. Jim Ross & Gorilla Monsoon take over for this match. Typical Mad-libbed “you stole my [item of value], so I’m gonna [violent verb] you” angle here, although the one the fans were really digging was the Shawn v. Razor one over the I-C title claim. It should be noted that Ramon is wearing his very macho powder blue tights tonight. Razor takes his trademark over-the-top bump to give control to IRS. Weird spot as IRS comes off the top and Ramon sticks his foot in the air, but IRS changes direction in mid-air and avoids it. Miscue there, I think. Ramon comes back with the usual. Ref is bumped, and heeeeeeeeeere’s Shawn. Lovetap with the bogus I-C title puts Ramon out, and IRS covers for the pin and the title at 10:44. And whereas that would be enough for a semi-clean win in most circumstances, Dave Hebner must have realized how lame IRS as a singles champion of any kind would be, because he rushes out to inform Joey Marella of the chicanery perpetrated by Shawn Michaels, and the match is restarted. Ramon gets the Edge and the pin (the real one) at 11:44. This was whatever, but on the upside it led to the ladder match at Wrestlemania X. ¾* – WWF title casket match: Yokozuna v. The Undertaker. And yes, this is THAT match. And if you’re reading this and wondering “What does he mean by ‘THAT match’?”, well, obviously you’ve led a very sheltered life and have never heard of this match before, and are thus much more mentally stable than the rest of us poor bastards who had to watch it in 1994. I’d just like to point out, for the record, that all the free tapes from WCW, exposure from Wrestleline, money from Sean Shannon, and ass-kissing from fans STILL isn’t enough to justify the mental anguish that this match has caused millions of people and the suffering I have to go through in order to review it for you, the reader. But I guess a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. So please, before we begin, bear in mind that I am making NONE of this up, and everything I am about to describe actually happened, live on a PPV. This is not, just to clarify, an LSD hallucination gone wrong, or a dream sequence that ended with Pat Patterson waking up in the shower in the next morning. And please, for the love of god, put the kids to bed before you read this match review, or skip to the Royal Rumble match. I wouldn’t want any of them to read it and later become a booker with these kinds of ideas lodged in their heads. God knows there’s enough bad influences on TV these days without the added mental problems caused by watching Undertaker matches from 1994. (2012 Scott sez:  There actually are people working for WWE now who would have grown up watching this match and probably taken ideas from it.  THINK ABOUT THAT.)  Presenting the all-time champion of overbooking and general stupidity…Undertaker v. Yokozuna, part one. Onto the match.. – Undertaker gets a quick start, chasing Yoko to the floor. The brawl a bit. Then a bit more. Yoko gains the upper hand with the CEREMONIAL SALT OF DOOM and some weak chairshots. First casketing attempt goes to Yoko, but UT blocks and comes back. Belly-to-bellies ends that, but Taker does the zombie situp. Chokeslam follows, and a HUGE swinging DDT. Undertaker tries to finish, and you might want to skip ahead now, because it REALLY starts to suck. Crush blocks UT’s win attempt, and Taker fights him off. Now the Great Kabuki (as an agent of Mr. Fuji) tries his luck, along with Genichiro Tenryu. Taker fights them all off. Now Bam Bam comes down and it’s 4-on-1. Yoko awakes from his nap in the casket, so now it’s 5-on-1. Is the point hammered home yet? Of course not, so here’s Adam Bomb to make it 6-on-1. Throw in Jeff Jarrett for 7-on-1, then the Headshrinkers make it NINE-on-1, which is getting excessive even by ECW standards. Diesel joins us last (lazy bastard) for an even 10-on-1, and they STILL, ten guys mind you, can’t get him into the damn coffin. So what would YOU do? Steal the urn of course, and dump the ashes out. Then, just when you thought it couldn’t get sillier, it does: Green smoke pours out of the urn and everyone acts all shocked. LET’S KICK IT UP A NOTCH (2012 Scott sez:  Emeril Lagasse reference there, kids.  I miss him in this age of Guy Fieri having 17 shows and imitators on the Food Network.)  – Vince deadpans, as the entire match (and indeed his promotion) falls apart in the ring: “It appears that the power of the urn is escaping, and with it the Undertaker’s powers”. I swear to god he actually said that without a trace of irony. That’s why I couldn’t be a wrestling announcer – I’d get fired for ripping stuff apart as soon as I saw how dumb an idea it was. Finally, after all that, they put the Undertaker down for good and shut the lid to give Yokozuna the win at 14:19, although the actual 1-on-1 match lasted all of 5 minutes. The crowd is left completely numbed and in shock by the ending. –**** (2012 Scott sez:  I only gave this negative four stars?  What would it have needed to be to earn five?)  – Suck it in, because we’re not done yet. The heels then lock the casket and wheel it to the dressing room, but it starts to smoke on the way down the aisle. A video of UT appears on the video wall (which the announcers naturally assume is a live feed of Undertaker inside his casket, thus indicating that Ocham’s Razor is a foreign concept to Vince McMahon, Jr.  (2012 Scott sez:  Hell of a name for a finisher, though.)  ). Undertaker, who is now “dying”, stops his decomposition long enough to give a speech. I was so touched that I transcribed it, because you all deserve to share my pain. I was gonna split it into individual haikus to really be a smart-ass, but it’s late, so here’s the Undertaker’s last words: – “ Be not proud, because the spirit of the Undertaker live within the souls of mankind, the eternal flame of life which cannot be extinguished, the origin of which cannot be explained. The answer lies in the everlasting spirit. Soon all mankind will witness the rebirth of the Undertaker. I will not rest in peace.” – Is that fucking deep or what? I feel like humming “Personal Jesus” right now. I wonder if Sid was watching this show and took interviewing notes or something? By the way, Mark Callaway wanted time off to spend with his wife, so Vince thought up this whole wonderful “sports entertainment” moment to explain his absence. Whatever happened to “he hurt his leg” or “he’s in jail” like in the good old days?  (2012 Scott sez:  Or now, he got suspended for a Wellness violation.)  – Oh, wait, sorry, I bet you thought this segment couldn’t get anymore stupid and offensive…FOOLISH MORTAL! I’ll break your spirit yet! The video wall image of the Undertaker goes to a reverse-color scheme, then starts to “rise” out of the video wall, to be replaced by Marty Jannetty dressed in an Undertaker costume, “levitating” to the ceiling (with wires clearly visible) while Vince earnestly sells the whole experience as a deep and meaningful spiritual experience. – Dear Federal Investigators: Obviously whoever conducted the investigation of Mr. Vincent K. McMahon on suspicion of drug distribution in 1994 and failed to get a conviction was either retarded or coked out of their mind, because if the above 30 minutes doesn’t conclusively prove that the entire booking team was on mind-altering substances of some form then the American legal system might as well pack it in now, because justice is not only blind, it’s stupid. Yours Truly, Scott Keith. P.S. If you do indeed fire your lead investigator, consider forwarding his resume to WCW, because even retarded and on mind-altering substances, he’s still one up on Russo & Ferrera at this point. – Royal Rumble: For those of you who haven’t sworn off wrestling entirely after the above, welcome back. Scott Steiner gets #1, Samu #2. Scott has his hair permed like my ex-girlfriend Karen, which is kind of creepy. Due to time constraints we’re going with 90 seconds instead of 2 minutes here. Rick Steiner gets #3, and the Steiners get rid of Samu quickly. Kwang (what’s the sound of 300 pounds of crap hitting the fan? KWANG!) is #4 and he sprays green mist at the Steiners and does some lethal martial arts. To put it in perspective, Kwang is of course that renowned martial artist Savio Vega. Owen Hart (and his big heel pop) are #5. The heels dominate. Owen does an innocuous tussle with Rick in the corner, and ends up fighting hard enough to knock Steiner out. Bart Gunn is #6. He peppers Owen with left hands, but Owen does his Butterbean impersonation and ignores them. (2012 Scott sez:  Poor Bart, punchline for all time.)  Diesel is #7, triggering a pretty famous sequence. Bart! Steiner! Owen! Kwang! Everyone takes a seat on the floor, and the crowd eats it up. Bob Backlund is #8, and there he goes out the other side. Fans chant “Diesel” as he waits for the next victim. It’s Billy Gunn at #9, and he’s out on his ass, man, about that many seconds later. (2012 Scott sez:  I’m kinda ON here.)  Virgil is #10, but not for long. The “Diesel” chants grow louder, and would keep growing louder until he got the WWF title in November of that year. Here’s your weird thought for the day: Kevin Nash was on the verge of being fired at that point, since he was getting no reaction and couldn’t work, and if the Rumble run hadn’t worked, he likely would have gone back to WCW and ended his career around 1995 doing the Vinnie Vegas gimmick for $500 a night, then retired. But it DID work, and he went on to three World titles, numerous tag titles, and a position as head booker of WCW. So if you were one of the fans who were chanting for him that night…GO TO HELL! It’s all YOUR fault that Kevin Nash booked all that crap last year. (2012 Scott sez:  Also, the people at the 2011 Rumble who gave him a big pop for his return, also go to hell.  That match at TLC is your fault, too.)  Randy Savage is #11, thus ending Diesel’s stream of jobbers. He holds his own until Jarrett comes in at #12. Vince’s summary of Jarrett’s motivation nearly makes me tear my hair out: “He wants to use the WWF as a stepping stone to stardom in Nashville”. How the hell is that supposed to draw heel heat for him? An evil COUNTRY SINGER? No wonder the WWF lost so much money. Crush is #13, and he’s on Savage like attractive women on anyone but Mark Madden. Crush and Savage brawl while Diesel rests. Lazy bastard. Heels double-team Savage. Doink is #14. That’d be Steve Lombardi here, I think. Crush presses Savage out of the match. Crush and Diesel fight for a minute, then realize Doink is an easier target. Bigleow is #15, so the heels kindly step out of the way and Bigelow javelins the clown out of the ring halfway down the aisle. That’s pretty decisive right there. Sick bump, too. Mabel is #16. Nothing like a big fat black man to liven up the match. Diesel gets flattened. “Sparky” Thurman Plugg makes his inauspicious WWF debut at #17, beginning an amazing 5 years of non-stop jobbing and humiliation, which would drive most sane people to quitting or suicide, but ol’ Sparky actually hung on and ended up becoming internet darling Hardcore Holly in 1999. (2012 Scott sez:  Boy THAT fortune sure reversed for him in a big way a couple of years later.)  So maybe there’s hope for Prince Iaukea yet.  (2012 Scott sez:  Nope, he’s long retired from the business as an active wrestler.) HBK is #18. Diesel goes after him, just because he can. Shawn ducks out of the way, and the rest of the pack attacks and dumps Diesel. He gets a standing ovation on the way out. Mo is #19. Greg Valentine is #20, subbing for someone. Talent pool is getting pretty weak here. Tatanka is #21, with freshly repainted face. More stuff going on than I can follow easily. This match needs an enema. The Great Kabuki is #22 and casts fear into everyone’s heart. Everyone gangs up on Mabel and dumps him. Lex Luger is #23 and I’m hoping for a big babyface run to clear the deadwood, but Kabuki is his only victim. (2012 Scott sez:  If you don’t even get the big babyface deadwood clearing spot, then you know they don’t have faith in you.)  Tenryu is #24. Out-of-context quote du jour from Dibiase: “He’s there to do a job, he’s not there to win”. Shawn does a bunch of teases on the ropes. Bastion Booger is #25, but doesn’t show up. Rick Martel is #26. More stuff going on. Bret Hart is #27, STILL selling that knee injury. Crowd pops HUGE for him. Fatu (Rikishi) is #28. About half the total population of the match is still in this thing, and that’s way too many. Crush is dumped by three guys. Marty Jannetty is #29, and he and Shawn go flying at each other like Artemis Gordon and James West with those collars on, and the crowd goes nuts because of it. Last man at #30: Adam Bomb. So our field looks like…wait a sec, there goes Sparky. So our field looks like Bomb, Michaels, Jannetty, Luger, Hart, Tenryu, Tatanka, Valentine, Martel, Mo, Fatu & Bigelow. Lots of aimless wandering for a few minutes, then I guess someone signals to go home, because we go fast and furious. Martel wrestles with Valentine in the corner, and Valentine accidentally slips off the ropes and is out. Martel gets backdropped out by Tatanka right after. Everyone dogpiles Adam Bomb and he’s gone. Bigelow tosses Tatanka. Bigelow charges the corner and Flair Flips down to the floor. Jannetty meets him down there. Luger sends Tenryu back to Japan, and we’re left with…the Final Four. – Final Four: Luger, Hart, Michaels, Fatu. Gee, I wonder who goes first? Bret and Shawn do a cool sequence and almost knock each other out. Fatu & Shawn get Luger to the apron, but he fights back in and kills everyone. Double-whip allows Luger and Bret to simultaneously eliminate both heels. Luger and Bret fight to the ropes and over, where both hit the floor at 55:25 to end the match. After a lengthy discussion and a little experimentation on the crowd by WWF bookers (announcing one guy as winner, then the other, to gauge reaction), both men are announced as “co-winners”. Later footage on WWF TV, and testimony from people in the front rows, would clearly reveal Luger to have hit the floor first. C’est la vie, it was still a decent Rumble. ***1/2 The Bottom Line: Steroid trials do funny things to a man, and causing him to book shows like this one is one such thing. The Undertaker angle led to the wonderful “fake Undertaker” saga later that year, while the Hart Family dispute led to a ***** match at WM10 and a renewal of Bret Hart’s career, one of many to come. I leave it as an exercise to the reader to decide which was more worth it in the long run. I’m torn on the recommendation – there’s a couple of great matches, but the Undertaker thing is like a cancer on the rest of the tape. And since the whole Owen-Bret thing was recapped numerous times before Wrestlemania that year, I’ll have to go recommendation to avoid on this show. (2012 Scott sez:  Onto the redone version from a couple of years ago, which I have nothing really to add to.) The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 1994 – I’m stuck with the Anthology DVD version, which at least has much better video quality than my original VHS dub, so blame that for any inconsistencies with the original review. At least that means the full PPV version and not the Coliseum edit. – Live from Providence, Rhode Island. – Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Ted Dibiase. This actually now makes more sense to me given the rotating color commentators on RAW after the departure of Bobby Heenan. Back in the day, it was totally random to me because I only got to watch Superstars. Tatanka v. Bam Bam Bigelow Originally scheduled to be Ludvig Borga here, but what turned out to be a career-ending injury removed him from the show. Slugfest to start and Bigelow dropkicks Tatanka into the corner, but misses a charge and gets powered down. Tatanka with a crossbody for two and he works the arm, then catches Bigelow with his head down for a DDT. To the top, but he whiffs on a cross body and Bammer takes over. Avalanche in the corner, but another try hits boot and Tatanka goes up again with a sunset flip off the top, blocked by Bam Bam’s ass. Tatanka tries to slug him down, but Bam Bam gets a jumping kick for two. Bigelow with the bearhug, but Tatanka is GOING NATIVE! Bigelow puts him down again with a shoulderblock, but another try results in a Tatanka powerslam for two. They both go for a crossbody and collide for the double KO, but it’s comeback time…until Bam Bam pulls out the enzuigiri, which again draws a big pop from the heel fans in the crowd. The Lunasault misses, however, and Tatanka goes up again with a crossbody for the pin at 8:12. Kind of an anticlimactic finish, but it was a fun match put together on short notice. ***1/2 WWF World tag team titles: The Quebecers v. The Hart Brothers The Quebecers were fresh off regaining the tag titles at MSG and the Harts were fresh off a ***** match against the Steiners for Coliseum video, so it was a good week for both. Pierre gets a quick slam on Bret, but runs into a knee. Owen comes in and hiptosses Pierre into a slam for two. A sign at ringside declares “Yokozuna RIP” which unfortunately proved clairvoyant. Jacques comes in to slow things down, but Owen suplexes him and dropkicks him back to his own corner again. Another try, and this time Owen gets the enzuigiri for two. The Harts get a Demolition elbow for two. Bret with a small package for two. Sunset flip gets two. Rollup gets two, but Pierre nails Bret and it’s BONZO GONZO. The Quebecers try to whip the babyfaces into each other, but Owen catapults himself into a rollup on Jacques for two instead. Very nice. The champs bail for some advice from Johnny Polo (“Always insist on cash from Paul Heyman.”), and back in Owen gets a leg lariat on Pierre for two. Overhead suplex gets two. Legdrop gets two. It’s awesome seeing the Harts able to cut loose for once, as Jacques was able to keep up with whatever crazy stuff they could come up with. Bret comes in and walks into a Pierre powerslam for two, and Jacques allows some choking in the corner. Quebecers double-team Bret with an elbow and Pierre pounds on him in the corner, and it’s more quality cheating while hotheaded Owen tries to come in. Pierre comes off the middle rope and lands on Bret’s foot, and it’s hot tag Owen. Backdrop for Jacques, belly to belly suplex for Pierre, and he goes to finish Jacques with the Sharpshooter, but Pierre bulldogs him behind the ref’s back to break. And so Owen is your face-in-peril. They drop him on the top rope for two, but Owen quickly tags Bret back in and he fights off both Quebecers alone. Backbreaker and legsweep for Jacques and noggins are knocked, then he gets rid of Pierre and looks to finish…but Johnny Polo pulls down the top rope and Bret blows out his knee on the way down. The Quebecers swarm in and work over the knee outside until Owen chases them off. Back in, Jacques beats the hell out of the knee and goes to a Boston crab, while the announcers implore Bret to go over and make the tag. The Quebecers switch off on the knee and Vince declares that it’s not skill, it’s HOOLIGANISM. They should have marketed a Vince McMahon Word Of The Day Calendar. Bret tries a Sharpshooter on Pierre, but can’t complete the move, and the ref stops the match at 16:48. Who is he, Steve Mazzagatti? Terrible finish, but a great match up until the storyline took over. **** Speaking of storylines, Owen berates his brother for not tagging, and then KICKS THE LEG FROM UNDER HIS LEG. You know, it’s funny, because years later that would be the least horrific thing that members of that family would do to each other. At least Bret didn’t sue for that or write a tell-all book about it. Meanwhile, Owen cuts a promo from backstage, telling Bret that he’s TOO SELFISH and coins the “kicked the leg from under your leg” phrase that people mocked him about for years afterwards. Owen and a live mic used to be a risky proposition. WWF Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. IRS IRS has stolen the gold from around Ramon’s neck to give this some minimal backstory, and Razor slugs him down and chases him out of the ring to start. Back in for an atomic drop, but they head out and Irwin sends him into the stairs. Back in for a quick chinlock and IRS legdrops him low, then drops an elbow for two. Back to the chinlock, but Razor fights out and slugs him down, then gets the blockbuster slam for two. And tragically, the ref is bumped, allowing IRS to grab the briefcase. Razor gets it away and puts IRS down for the pin, but of course there’s no ref. So Ramon puts him on the top rope for a backdrop superplex and sets up for the Razor’s Edge, but Shawn Michaels runs in and clobbers him with the belt, which gives IRS the pin and the title at 9:43?! Luckily, Earl Hebner runs out and demands the match be restarted, because if there’s one thing he won’t stand for, it’s injustice in a title match when Shawn Michaels is involved! Ramon hits the Edge in all the confusion and pins IRS to retain. Whew. Just kind of a junky RAW match. ** But hey, if this is the worst match tonight, it’ll still be an easy thumbs up, right? WWF World title, casket match: Yokozuna v. Undertaker Hang on, I need two Red Bulls and a bag of mushrooms to properly deal with this first. … Well, all I had was canned mushrooms, so that’ll have to do. You know, thinking about Undertaker during this period, he really got stuck with the shittiest series of feuds that you could possibly think up. He had two PPVs against Giant Gonzalez with a house show feud against Mr. Hughes sandwiched in the middle, then got to face Yokozuna in this legendarily horrible match, then had to face himself at Summerslam. No wonder he had no incentive to get better. Anyway, Taker gets a flying clothesline and they fight to the floor, and Taker quickly no-sells everything and heads back in for the ropewalk. Back to the floor, UT beats on him with a chair, and Ted Dibiase notes that it’s going to get a lot more brutal. Indeed. Yoko comes back with a handful of salt and they head back in, where Yoko gets a clothesline and tries to roll him into the casket. Taker awakens and comes back for the slugfest, but Yoko puts him down with a belly to belly suplex. Taker no-sells it and gets a pretty decent chokeslam and follows with a DDT, and at this point it’s a pretty decent match. BUT IT GETS WORSE. So into the casket goes Yokozuna, but Crush runs out and attacks, preventing the finish. Taker gets rid of him, but now the Great Kabuki of all people comes in, followed by Tenryu. Yes, they have fucking GENICHIRO TENRYU booked for the show and this is what they use him for. And now Bam Bam Bigelow, as far more troubling is Yokozuna still unconscious in the casket after a single DDT two minutes previously. But now it REALLY gets silly, as Paul Bearer uses the power of the urn to inspire Undertaker to fight off four guys at once, so Jeff Jarrett and Adam Bomb now join the shitstorm. Oh, and the Headshrinkers. At least it makes sense for THEM to assist Yokozuna. Luckily, Yoko has now recovered from that devastating DDT and is walking around again. And the last man in is Diesel, and with 11 guys helping they STILL can’t close the damn casket lid. BUT IT GETS WORSE. The horde takes out Paul Bearer and steals the urn, which causes (and I’m very embarrassed as a wrestling fan to type this) green smoke to flood out of it, presumably the spirits of Undertaker’s dead parents. So that, finally, is enough to get him in the casket and close the lid at 14:18. And you’re thinking OK, that was a horrible finish and an embarrassment to anyone who’s not Vince Russo or Ed Ferrera, but they can’t possibly sink lower, can they? BUT IT GETS WORSE. So while the heels celebrate the presumably dead body of Undertaker, the lights go out and we somehow get a camera shot from inside the casket, where Undertaker CUTS A PROMO FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. And you thought HHH was bad. Do any of the heels open up the casket and punch him in the mouth at this point? Of course not, they all stare blankly at the video wall while Undertaker delivers a dramatic soliloquy and then rises to the ceiling. Not a dream, not an imaginary story. I paid MONEY to watch this PPV in 1994 and then continued as a wrestling fan afterwards. If ever a match deserved the full negative monty, this is undoubtedly it. -***** Worst of all, none of this went anywhere until November, as you’d think it would set up Undertaker’s Kill Bill rampage of revenge, but instead he just took months off. AND THIS WASN’T EVEN THE STUPIDEST FINISH ON THIS SHOW! On the bright side, it was still better than the January 4 Impact. Royal Rumble: Scott Steiner is #1 and Samu is #2. Steiner tosses Samu around and gets a butterfly bomb, but can’t muscle him over the top. Samu comes back with a clothesline and we’re doing 90 second intervals this year, as Rick Steiner is #3. The Steiners double-team Samu, as you’d expect, and suplex the crap out of him, but make no serious effort to get rid of him. Samu misses a charge and hangs himself in the ropes anyway, and he’s gone at 3:22. KWANG is #4 and he uses his MARTIAL ARTS on Scott and blows mist in Rick’s face, but Scott suplexes him anyway. Owen Hart is #5 to a big heel reaction and he immediately goes after the blinded Rick Steiner and puts him out at 5:50. Good for you, Owen! Bart Gunn is #6 and he goes after Owen, with no luck. Diesel is #7 and he hits everyone indiscriminately. Diesel dumps Bart at 8:57, then Scott at 9:00, then Owen at 9:09. Kwang tries to stop him and gets tossed at 9:25. DIESEL POWER begins here. Mr. Bob Backlund is #8 and nearly gets Big Kev out with a double leg, but leverage isn’t on his side. Diesel gets him out at 10:20 to clear the ring. No wonder he got over. Billy Gunn is #9 and he quickly runs into a boot and he’s gone at 11:25. And now the crowd is firmly behind Diesel. But wait! This gives us a chance to watch footage of the Japanese contingent attacking Lex Luger in the locker room. That’s a shame. Virgil is #10 and I’m not giving him much of a shot. Diesel misses a charge and Virgil uses his fisticuffs, but Diesel gets rid of him at 13:19. Dibiase takes particular delight in that, a nice touch. And now Macho Man is #11 and that’s gonna be it for the big run. Savage pounds away on Kev and throws elbows in the corner, and Jeff Jarrett is #12. He clotheslines Savage out, but Macho skins the cat to hang on and then sends Jarrett back to the dressing room at 17:14. Crush is #13 and that’s trouble for Savage. Savage elbows him down and goes up with the double axehandle, then goes after Diesel as well and loses the battle. The heels double-team him and Doink is #14. Savage is out at 19:10 during Doink’s entrance, leaving the heels to pound on each other while Doink laughs at them. That gets him a beatdown, and Bam Bam Bigelow is #15. Crush & Diesel give Bam Bam free reign to assault Doink, so he sends him into the aisle at 21:14 with a Spike Dudley toss. Nice. The heels all turn on each other, and Mabel is #16. He hits Diesel with an Avalanche, then Bigelow, and SPARKY PLUGG is #17. Now we’re getting into the SERIOUS contenders. People do the “lay on the ropes and pretend to get each other out” thing to burn some time, until Shawn Michaels at #18. Interesting to think that he would go on to win the next two in the row. Everyone decides to go after Diesel, and he’s gone at 25:59. He’d have better days ahead of him. So with the crowd favorite gone, Mo is #19. There’s way too many people with purple tights in there. Bless the 90s. Shawn teases some eliminations and Greg Valentine is #20. Forgot about that one. He goes after Bigelow as deadwood is starting to accumulate. Tatanka is #21 and he beats on Shawn, but Mabel actually holds Tatanka so that Shawn can get some shots in. Shawn turns on him anyway. Kabuki is #22, but don’t union rules say we can only have one mist-spewing Asian per match? Everyone decides to gang up on Mabel and dumps him at 32:32. Probably wise. Lex Luger is #23 and hopefully he’ll clear the ring for AMERICA. Kabuki goes back to Japania at 33:40! And that’s his whole babyface rampage, as Crush attacks him to stop the madness. Tenryu is #24 and he chops Luger right away, and they’re pretty awesome chops. He’s earned his money. #25 no-shows, and Vince is sure it was Bret Hart’s spot, although I believe later it was revealed to be Bastion Booger’s spot. So we continue on and Rick Martel is #26. Luger and Tatanka slug it out in an interesting bit of foreshadowing, and otherwise nothing is going on until Bret Hart is #27, still selling the leg injury from earlier. And the crowd goes nuts for him, especially with the limp. Crush immediately goes for the knee, aided by Tenryu. Fatu is #28 and there’s way too many guys, as the last elimination was more than 10 minutes ago. And Crush gets pounded out by Luger at 42:38. Marty Jannetty is #29, and it’s gung ho against Shawn Michaels to a big pop, as they trade like Frye and Takayama, but gayer. They exchange superkicks, but Marty can’t suplex Shawn out. And finally, Adam Bomb is #30. Bret dumps Plugg at 45:21 to end the dream of Bob Holly in a Wrestlemania main event, and Tenryu is still chopping the shit out of everyone. Doesn’t he know that the object of a battle royale is to lay around on the ropes and crack jokes? Someone teach this guy how to work. Things slow right down with everyone in, and no one can still get Shawn out. Martel finally gets Valentine out at 49:19, and Tatanka dumps Martel at 49:39. Bomb charges Lex and hits the floor at 49:50. Finally, someone gave the “go home” signal. Tatanka goes out at 50:18 off-screen. Shawn and Marty continue their private war, and Bam Bam bumps out at 51:05 following a Luger forearm. Shawn gets rid of Marty at 51:14 for the moral victory, and holy cow Tenryu is still there. Cute spot as he runs Shawn and Fatu’s heads together, but only Shawn sells it. Tenryu just chops the shit out of Luger again, but Bret and Lex team up and dump Tenryu at 52:29. Final Four: Bret Hart, Lex Luger, Fatu, and Shawn Michaels. Bret and Shawn battle on the ropes as Fatu superkicks Lex off my favorite headbutt no-sell spot. The heels put Luger on the apron, but he fights them off and makes the superhero comeback. And the faces backdrop the heels out at 54:49 simultaneously, giving us Bret v. Lex. And they fight to the ropes, and both are out at 55:08 for the most retarded Royal Rumble finish until 1999. Replays clearly show that Luger hit the floor first, but Bret got the last laugh anyway. I should also note that the crowd reaction to Bret’s fake win is MASSIVE compared to Luger’s. A very entertaining Rumble for about the first 40 minutes, then it got clogged up and died off bigtime, leading to the worst Rumble finish ever up until that point. ***1/2 The Pulse: It’s kinda sorta good if you can ignore the glaring spot in the middle surrounding the casket match, but it’s not an all-time classic or anything. Mild recommendation to avoid overall.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 94 – Live from Providence, Rhode Island. Is that the state or Dusty while he’s swimming? – Your hosts are Ted Dibiase (the Million Dollar Man) and Vince McMahon (The Billion Dollar Man). Triviata: Ted Dibiase is the only color man to have done a PPV with both Vince McMahon AND Eric Bischoff (this show and Souled Out 97 respectively), although I don’t know if the same applies to TV broadcasts. If you add TV broadcasts, you can add Bobby Heenan to that list.– Opening match: Tatanka v. Bam Bam Bigelow. This was supposed to be Tatanka v. Ludvig Borga, but ol’ Tony had an ankle injury that ended up changing the course of the WWF. Ludvig was supposed to win this match, using it as a stepping stone to the World title a couple of weeks after, then losing it to Lex Luger at Wrestlemania X. Of course, things turned out much differently. (2012 Scott sez:  This is of course a very dubious proposition spread mostly by Tony Halme himself.)  Tatanka is painted like Peter Criss tonight. You know what’s sad? I made that joke in 1994 and no one got it. Now suddenly KISS makes a comeback and the reference isn’t half as witty as it was. I wonder if Dennis Miller has these kinds of problems. (2012 Scott sez:  I’m totally into old KISS these days.  I actually got into them in the 80s listening to their non-makeup hair metal era, but now all I listen to is the 70s stuff from the debut album through to the “Music From The Elder” atrocity.)   Slugfest to start, and Tatanka blows a bunch of stuff. Well, really he just blows, but I figured I might as well finish the sentence. (2012 Scott sez:  Hey now, I don’t mind Tatanka these days.)  The announcers talk about both men competing in the Rumble later on, which marked the first year that depletion of the roster due to the you-know-what trials forced multiple appearances for the talent on the Rumble card. Now it’s standard practice. (2012 Scott sez:  Now we’ve swung the other way in the post-WCW world, with so many people on the roster that they’ve talked about doing separate RAW and Smackdown Rumbles at times.)  It was a pretty big thing at the time, however. Bearhuggery abounds here. Tatanka tries the Pissed Off Racial Stereotype Comeback, but takes an enzuigiri. Bigelow mocks him, but misses his goofy moonsault, and Tatanka finishes with a flying bodypress at 8:10. This was there. * – WWF tag team title match: The Quebecers v. Bret & Owen Hart. I really need a high quality MP3 of that theme song. RSPW was creaming themselves once the 123 X-Pac and Marty Jannetty won the tag titles on RAW, because we thought we’d get a ***** match out of the deal. Sadly, the match was never changed to that combo (it would have been a standard Harts-Quebecers tag match) and besides which, the Quebecers regained the belts in MSG a week later. Oh, by the way, the WWF Sledgehammer of Plot Committee would just like to remind everyone that EVERYTHING IS ABSOLUTELY FINE between the Harts, thank you very much. Harts double-team the champs to start. Odd moment: Vince McMahon accuses Dibiase of being a limelight hog for most of his career. I won’t even start on that one, because I’ll go on for 5 paragraphs. Champs stall for a bit after Bret gets about 10 two-counts to frustrate Jacques. Pierre cheapshots Bret and a brawl erupts. Cool spot: We do the “double whip, dosey-do” bit that sends Owen & Bret crashing into each other, but Bret immediately whips Owen into Pierre, which allows Owen to switch to a spear move in mid-air, then upon impact roll up Pierre for a two count. That is seriously damn cool. Note to Edge & Christian: Start doing shit like that more often. Leg lariat gets two for Owen. Side suplex gets two. Bret comes in but gets powerslammed into face-in-peril mode to begin the first heat segment of the match. Owen eventually gets a hot tag and suplexes everything in sight. Sharpshooter on Jacques, but another cheapshot breaks it, and we get heat segment #2, this time on Owen. Bret comes back in quickly, hitting the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM on Pierre. Johnny Polo (Raven) pulls down the ropes and Bret falls to the floor, hurting his knee. This begins heats segment #3, as the Quebecers work his knee and generally cheat like rabid weasels. (2012 Scott sez:  “rabid weasels”?!?) We work the countout tease for a bit, then Owen tosses Bret back in. The champs hurt the knee for a while and go for the cannonball finisher, but Bret moves…and won’t tag Owen. Instead, he tries the Sharpshooter on Pierre, but his own knee gives way, and the ref stops the match at 16:44. What a jerk. If I was Owen, I’d turn on him, too. Owen is rightfully pissed, and verbally abuses his poor brother while he rolls around on the mat clutching his knee. Bret fights his way to his feet (to applause), so Owen KICKS HIS LEG OUT OF HIS LEG! Don’t worry, I’ll explain the reference next paragraph. Big heel heat for Owen there. Great match, great angle that makes Bret an even bigger babyface and Owen a huge heel with one kick. **** – Toad Pedophile finds Owen in the locker room, allowing Owen to deliver his semi-famous “YOU’RE TOO DAMN SELFISH” interview, where he berates Bret for only thinking of himself, then stumbles over his big line: He was supposed to say “…and that’s why I kicked your leg out from under you!” but instead he ended up saying “…and that’s why I kicked your leg out of your…uh…leg.”, which sounded much lamer. For comparison, compare the tone of voice in Austin Powers when he says “Allow myself to…uh…introduce myself”. Same thing. – Intercontinental title match: Razor Ramon v. IRS. Jim Ross & Gorilla Monsoon take over for this match. Typical Mad-libbed “you stole my [item of value], so I’m gonna [violent verb] you” angle here, although the one the fans were really digging was the Shawn v. Razor one over the I-C title claim. It should be noted that Ramon is wearing his very macho powder blue tights tonight. Razor takes his trademark over-the-top bump to give control to IRS. Weird spot as IRS comes off the top and Ramon sticks his foot in the air, but IRS changes direction in mid-air and avoids it. Miscue there, I think. Ramon comes back with the usual. Ref is bumped, and heeeeeeeeeere’s Shawn. Lovetap with the bogus I-C title puts Ramon out, and IRS covers for the pin and the title at 10:44. And whereas that would be enough for a semi-clean win in most circumstances, Dave Hebner must have realized how lame IRS as a singles champion of any kind would be, because he rushes out to inform Joey Marella of the chicanery perpetrated by Shawn Michaels, and the match is restarted. Ramon gets the Edge and the pin (the real one) at 11:44. This was whatever, but on the upside it led to the ladder match at Wrestlemania X. ¾* – WWF title casket match: Yokozuna v. The Undertaker. And yes, this is THAT match. And if you’re reading this and wondering “What does he mean by ‘THAT match’?”, well, obviously you’ve led a very sheltered life and have never heard of this match before, and are thus much more mentally stable than the rest of us poor bastards who had to watch it in 1994. I’d just like to point out, for the record, that all the free tapes from WCW, exposure from Wrestleline, money from Sean Shannon, and ass-kissing from fans STILL isn’t enough to justify the mental anguish that this match has caused millions of people and the suffering I have to go through in order to review it for you, the reader. But I guess a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. So please, before we begin, bear in mind that I am making NONE of this up, and everything I am about to describe actually happened, live on a PPV. This is not, just to clarify, an LSD hallucination gone wrong, or a dream sequence that ended with Pat Patterson waking up in the shower in the next morning. And please, for the love of god, put the kids to bed before you read this match review, or skip to the Royal Rumble match. I wouldn’t want any of them to read it and later become a booker with these kinds of ideas lodged in their heads. God knows there’s enough bad influences on TV these days without the added mental problems caused by watching Undertaker matches from 1994. (2012 Scott sez:  There actually are people working for WWE now who would have grown up watching this match and probably taken ideas from it.  THINK ABOUT THAT.)  Presenting the all-time champion of overbooking and general stupidity…Undertaker v. Yokozuna, part one. Onto the match.. – Undertaker gets a quick start, chasing Yoko to the floor. The brawl a bit. Then a bit more. Yoko gains the upper hand with the CEREMONIAL SALT OF DOOM and some weak chairshots. First casketing attempt goes to Yoko, but UT blocks and comes back. Belly-to-bellies ends that, but Taker does the zombie situp. Chokeslam follows, and a HUGE swinging DDT. Undertaker tries to finish, and you might want to skip ahead now, because it REALLY starts to suck. Crush blocks UT’s win attempt, and Taker fights him off. Now the Great Kabuki (as an agent of Mr. Fuji) tries his luck, along with Genichiro Tenryu. Taker fights them all off. Now Bam Bam comes down and it’s 4-on-1. Yoko awakes from his nap in the casket, so now it’s 5-on-1. Is the point hammered home yet? Of course not, so here’s Adam Bomb to make it 6-on-1. Throw in Jeff Jarrett for 7-on-1, then the Headshrinkers make it NINE-on-1, which is getting excessive even by ECW standards. Diesel joins us last (lazy bastard) for an even 10-on-1, and they STILL, ten guys mind you, can’t get him into the damn coffin. So what would YOU do? Steal the urn of course, and dump the ashes out. Then, just when you thought it couldn’t get sillier, it does: Green smoke pours out of the urn and everyone acts all shocked. LET’S KICK IT UP A NOTCH (2012 Scott sez:  Emeril Lagasse reference there, kids.  I miss him in this age of Guy Fieri having 17 shows and imitators on the Food Network.)  – Vince deadpans, as the entire match (and indeed his promotion) falls apart in the ring: “It appears that the power of the urn is escaping, and with it the Undertaker’s powers”. I swear to god he actually said that without a trace of irony. That’s why I couldn’t be a wrestling announcer – I’d get fired for ripping stuff apart as soon as I saw how dumb an idea it was. Finally, after all that, they put the Undertaker down for good and shut the lid to give Yokozuna the win at 14:19, although the actual 1-on-1 match lasted all of 5 minutes. The crowd is left completely numbed and in shock by the ending. –**** (2012 Scott sez:  I only gave this negative four stars?  What would it have needed to be to earn five?)  – Suck it in, because we’re not done yet. The heels then lock the casket and wheel it to the dressing room, but it starts to smoke on the way down the aisle. A video of UT appears on the video wall (which the announcers naturally assume is a live feed of Undertaker inside his casket, thus indicating that Ocham’s Razor is a foreign concept to Vince McMahon, Jr.  (2012 Scott sez:  Hell of a name for a finisher, though.)  ). Undertaker, who is now “dying”, stops his decomposition long enough to give a speech. I was so touched that I transcribed it, because you all deserve to share my pain. I was gonna split it into individual haikus to really be a smart-ass, but it’s late, so here’s the Undertaker’s last words: – “ Be not proud, because the spirit of the Undertaker live within the souls of mankind, the eternal flame of life which cannot be extinguished, the origin of which cannot be explained. The answer lies in the everlasting spirit. Soon all mankind will witness the rebirth of the Undertaker. I will not rest in peace.” – Is that fucking deep or what? I feel like humming “Personal Jesus” right now. I wonder if Sid was watching this show and took interviewing notes or something? By the way, Mark Callaway wanted time off to spend with his wife, so Vince thought up this whole wonderful “sports entertainment” moment to explain his absence. Whatever happened to “he hurt his leg” or “he’s in jail” like in the good old days?  (2012 Scott sez:  Or now, he got suspended for a Wellness violation.)  – Oh, wait, sorry, I bet you thought this segment couldn’t get anymore stupid and offensive…FOOLISH MORTAL! I’ll break your spirit yet! The video wall image of the Undertaker goes to a reverse-color scheme, then starts to “rise” out of the video wall, to be replaced by Marty Jannetty dressed in an Undertaker costume, “levitating” to the ceiling (with wires clearly visible) while Vince earnestly sells the whole experience as a deep and meaningful spiritual experience. – Dear Federal Investigators: Obviously whoever conducted the investigation of Mr. Vincent K. McMahon on suspicion of drug distribution in 1994 and failed to get a conviction was either retarded or coked out of their mind, because if the above 30 minutes doesn’t conclusively prove that the entire booking team was on mind-altering substances of some form then the American legal system might as well pack it in now, because justice is not only blind, it’s stupid. Yours Truly, Scott Keith. P.S. If you do indeed fire your lead investigator, consider forwarding his resume to WCW, because even retarded and on mind-altering substances, he’s still one up on Russo & Ferrera at this point. – Royal Rumble: For those of you who haven’t sworn off wrestling entirely after the above, welcome back. Scott Steiner gets #1, Samu #2. Scott has his hair permed like my ex-girlfriend Karen, which is kind of creepy. Due to time constraints we’re going with 90 seconds instead of 2 minutes here. Rick Steiner gets #3, and the Steiners get rid of Samu quickly. Kwang (what’s the sound of 300 pounds of crap hitting the fan? KWANG!) is #4 and he sprays green mist at the Steiners and does some lethal martial arts. To put it in perspective, Kwang is of course that renowned martial artist Savio Vega. Owen Hart (and his big heel pop) are #5. The heels dominate. Owen does an innocuous tussle with Rick in the corner, and ends up fighting hard enough to knock Steiner out. Bart Gunn is #6. He peppers Owen with left hands, but Owen does his Butterbean impersonation and ignores them. (2012 Scott sez:  Poor Bart, punchline for all time.)  Diesel is #7, triggering a pretty famous sequence. Bart! Steiner! Owen! Kwang! Everyone takes a seat on the floor, and the crowd eats it up. Bob Backlund is #8, and there he goes out the other side. Fans chant “Diesel” as he waits for the next victim. It’s Billy Gunn at #9, and he’s out on his ass, man, about that many seconds later. (2012 Scott sez:  I’m kinda ON here.)  Virgil is #10, but not for long. The “Diesel” chants grow louder, and would keep growing louder until he got the WWF title in November of that year. Here’s your weird thought for the day: Kevin Nash was on the verge of being fired at that point, since he was getting no reaction and couldn’t work, and if the Rumble run hadn’t worked, he likely would have gone back to WCW and ended his career around 1995 doing the Vinnie Vegas gimmick for $500 a night, then retired. But it DID work, and he went on to three World titles, numerous tag titles, and a position as head booker of WCW. So if you were one of the fans who were chanting for him that night…GO TO HELL! It’s all YOUR fault that Kevin Nash booked all that crap last year. (2012 Scott sez:  Also, the people at the 2011 Rumble who gave him a big pop for his return, also go to hell.  That match at TLC is your fault, too.)  Randy Savage is #11, thus ending Diesel’s stream of jobbers. He holds his own until Jarrett comes in at #12. Vince’s summary of Jarrett’s motivation nearly makes me tear my hair out: “He wants to use the WWF as a stepping stone to stardom in Nashville”. How the hell is that supposed to draw heel heat for him? An evil COUNTRY SINGER? No wonder the WWF lost so much money. Crush is #13, and he’s on Savage like attractive women on anyone but Mark Madden. Crush and Savage brawl while Diesel rests. Lazy bastard. Heels double-team Savage. Doink is #14. That’d be Steve Lombardi here, I think. Crush presses Savage out of the match. Crush and Diesel fight for a minute, then realize Doink is an easier target. Bigleow is #15, so the heels kindly step out of the way and Bigelow javelins the clown out of the ring halfway down the aisle. That’s pretty decisive right there. Sick bump, too. Mabel is #16. Nothing like a big fat black man to liven up the match. Diesel gets flattened. “Sparky” Thurman Plugg makes his inauspicious WWF debut at #17, beginning an amazing 5 years of non-stop jobbing and humiliation, which would drive most sane people to quitting or suicide, but ol’ Sparky actually hung on and ended up becoming internet darling Hardcore Holly in 1999. (2012 Scott sez:  Boy THAT fortune sure reversed for him in a big way a couple of years later.)  So maybe there’s hope for Prince Iaukea yet.  (2012 Scott sez:  Nope, he’s long retired from the business as an active wrestler.) HBK is #18. Diesel goes after him, just because he can. Shawn ducks out of the way, and the rest of the pack attacks and dumps Diesel. He gets a standing ovation on the way out. Mo is #19. Greg Valentine is #20, subbing for someone. Talent pool is getting pretty weak here. Tatanka is #21, with freshly repainted face. More stuff going on than I can follow easily. This match needs an enema. The Great Kabuki is #22 and casts fear into everyone’s heart. Everyone gangs up on Mabel and dumps him. Lex Luger is #23 and I’m hoping for a big babyface run to clear the deadwood, but Kabuki is his only victim. (2012 Scott sez:  If you don’t even get the big babyface deadwood clearing spot, then you know they don’t have faith in you.)  Tenryu is #24. Out-of-context quote du jour from Dibiase: “He’s there to do a job, he’s not there to win”. Shawn does a bunch of teases on the ropes. Bastion Booger is #25, but doesn’t show up. Rick Martel is #26. More stuff going on. Bret Hart is #27, STILL selling that knee injury. Crowd pops HUGE for him. Fatu (Rikishi) is #28. About half the total population of the match is still in this thing, and that’s way too many. Crush is dumped by three guys. Marty Jannetty is #29, and he and Shawn go flying at each other like Artemis Gordon and James West with those collars on, and the crowd goes nuts because of it. Last man at #30: Adam Bomb. So our field looks like…wait a sec, there goes Sparky. So our field looks like Bomb, Michaels, Jannetty, Luger, Hart, Tenryu, Tatanka, Valentine, Martel, Mo, Fatu & Bigelow. Lots of aimless wandering for a few minutes, then I guess someone signals to go home, because we go fast and furious. Martel wrestles with Valentine in the corner, and Valentine accidentally slips off the ropes and is out. Martel gets backdropped out by Tatanka right after. Everyone dogpiles Adam Bomb and he’s gone. Bigelow tosses Tatanka. Bigelow charges the corner and Flair Flips down to the floor. Jannetty meets him down there. Luger sends Tenryu back to Japan, and we’re left with…the Final Four. – Final Four: Luger, Hart, Michaels, Fatu. Gee, I wonder who goes first? Bret and Shawn do a cool sequence and almost knock each other out. Fatu & Shawn get Luger to the apron, but he fights back in and kills everyone. Double-whip allows Luger and Bret to simultaneously eliminate both heels. Luger and Bret fight to the ropes and over, where both hit the floor at 55:25 to end the match. After a lengthy discussion and a little experimentation on the crowd by WWF bookers (announcing one guy as winner, then the other, to gauge reaction), both men are announced as “co-winners”. Later footage on WWF TV, and testimony from people in the front rows, would clearly reveal Luger to have hit the floor first. C’est la vie, it was still a decent Rumble. ***1/2 The Bottom Line: Steroid trials do funny things to a man, and causing him to book shows like this one is one such thing. The Undertaker angle led to the wonderful “fake Undertaker” saga later that year, while the Hart Family dispute led to a ***** match at WM10 and a renewal of Bret Hart’s career, one of many to come. I leave it as an exercise to the reader to decide which was more worth it in the long run. I’m torn on the recommendation – there’s a couple of great matches, but the Undertaker thing is like a cancer on the rest of the tape. And since the whole Owen-Bret thing was recapped numerous times before Wrestlemania that year, I’ll have to go recommendation to avoid on this show. (2012 Scott sez:  Onto the redone version from a couple of years ago, which I have nothing really to add to.) The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 1994 – I’m stuck with the Anthology DVD version, which at least has much better video quality than my original VHS dub, so blame that for any inconsistencies with the original review. At least that means the full PPV version and not the Coliseum edit. – Live from Providence, Rhode Island. – Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Ted Dibiase. This actually now makes more sense to me given the rotating color commentators on RAW after the departure of Bobby Heenan. Back in the day, it was totally random to me because I only got to watch Superstars. Tatanka v. Bam Bam Bigelow Originally scheduled to be Ludvig Borga here, but what turned out to be a career-ending injury removed him from the show. Slugfest to start and Bigelow dropkicks Tatanka into the corner, but misses a charge and gets powered down. Tatanka with a crossbody for two and he works the arm, then catches Bigelow with his head down for a DDT. To the top, but he whiffs on a cross body and Bammer takes over. Avalanche in the corner, but another try hits boot and Tatanka goes up again with a sunset flip off the top, blocked by Bam Bam’s ass. Tatanka tries to slug him down, but Bam Bam gets a jumping kick for two. Bigelow with the bearhug, but Tatanka is GOING NATIVE! Bigelow puts him down again with a shoulderblock, but another try results in a Tatanka powerslam for two. They both go for a crossbody and collide for the double KO, but it’s comeback time…until Bam Bam pulls out the enzuigiri, which again draws a big pop from the heel fans in the crowd. The Lunasault misses, however, and Tatanka goes up again with a crossbody for the pin at 8:12. Kind of an anticlimactic finish, but it was a fun match put together on short notice. ***1/2 WWF World tag team titles: The Quebecers v. The Hart Brothers The Quebecers were fresh off regaining the tag titles at MSG and the Harts were fresh off a ***** match against the Steiners for Coliseum video, so it was a good week for both. Pierre gets a quick slam on Bret, but runs into a knee. Owen comes in and hiptosses Pierre into a slam for two. A sign at ringside declares “Yokozuna RIP” which unfortunately proved clairvoyant. Jacques comes in to slow things down, but Owen suplexes him and dropkicks him back to his own corner again. Another try, and this time Owen gets the enzuigiri for two. The Harts get a Demolition elbow for two. Bret with a small package for two. Sunset flip gets two. Rollup gets two, but Pierre nails Bret and it’s BONZO GONZO. The Quebecers try to whip the babyfaces into each other, but Owen catapults himself into a rollup on Jacques for two instead. Very nice. The champs bail for some advice from Johnny Polo (“Always insist on cash from Paul Heyman.”), and back in Owen gets a leg lariat on Pierre for two. Overhead suplex gets two. Legdrop gets two. It’s awesome seeing the Harts able to cut loose for once, as Jacques was able to keep up with whatever crazy stuff they could come up with. Bret comes in and walks into a Pierre powerslam for two, and Jacques allows some choking in the corner. Quebecers double-team Bret with an elbow and Pierre pounds on him in the corner, and it’s more quality cheating while hotheaded Owen tries to come in. Pierre comes off the middle rope and lands on Bret’s foot, and it’s hot tag Owen. Backdrop for Jacques, belly to belly suplex for Pierre, and he goes to finish Jacques with the Sharpshooter, but Pierre bulldogs him behind the ref’s back to break. And so Owen is your face-in-peril. They drop him on the top rope for two, but Owen quickly tags Bret back in and he fights off both Quebecers alone. Backbreaker and legsweep for Jacques and noggins are knocked, then he gets rid of Pierre and looks to finish…but Johnny Polo pulls down the top rope and Bret blows out his knee on the way down. The Quebecers swarm in and work over the knee outside until Owen chases them off. Back in, Jacques beats the hell out of the knee and goes to a Boston crab, while the announcers implore Bret to go over and make the tag. The Quebecers switch off on the knee and Vince declares that it’s not skill, it’s HOOLIGANISM. They should have marketed a Vince McMahon Word Of The Day Calendar. Bret tries a Sharpshooter on Pierre, but can’t complete the move, and the ref stops the match at 16:48. Who is he, Steve Mazzagatti? Terrible finish, but a great match up until the storyline took over. **** Speaking of storylines, Owen berates his brother for not tagging, and then KICKS THE LEG FROM UNDER HIS LEG. You know, it’s funny, because years later that would be the least horrific thing that members of that family would do to each other. At least Bret didn’t sue for that or write a tell-all book about it. Meanwhile, Owen cuts a promo from backstage, telling Bret that he’s TOO SELFISH and coins the “kicked the leg from under your leg” phrase that people mocked him about for years afterwards. Owen and a live mic used to be a risky proposition. WWF Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. IRS IRS has stolen the gold from around Ramon’s neck to give this some minimal backstory, and Razor slugs him down and chases him out of the ring to start. Back in for an atomic drop, but they head out and Irwin sends him into the stairs. Back in for a quick chinlock and IRS legdrops him low, then drops an elbow for two. Back to the chinlock, but Razor fights out and slugs him down, then gets the blockbuster slam for two. And tragically, the ref is bumped, allowing IRS to grab the briefcase. Razor gets it away and puts IRS down for the pin, but of course there’s no ref. So Ramon puts him on the top rope for a backdrop superplex and sets up for the Razor’s Edge, but Shawn Michaels runs in and clobbers him with the belt, which gives IRS the pin and the title at 9:43?! Luckily, Earl Hebner runs out and demands the match be restarted, because if there’s one thing he won’t stand for, it’s injustice in a title match when Shawn Michaels is involved! Ramon hits the Edge in all the confusion and pins IRS to retain. Whew. Just kind of a junky RAW match. ** But hey, if this is the worst match tonight, it’ll still be an easy thumbs up, right? WWF World title, casket match: Yokozuna v. Undertaker Hang on, I need two Red Bulls and a bag of mushrooms to properly deal with this first. … Well, all I had was canned mushrooms, so that’ll have to do. You know, thinking about Undertaker during this period, he really got stuck with the shittiest series of feuds that you could possibly think up. He had two PPVs against Giant Gonzalez with a house show feud against Mr. Hughes sandwiched in the middle, then got to face Yokozuna in this legendarily horrible match, then had to face himself at Summerslam. No wonder he had no incentive to get better. Anyway, Taker gets a flying clothesline and they fight to the floor, and Taker quickly no-sells everything and heads back in for the ropewalk. Back to the floor, UT beats on him with a chair, and Ted Dibiase notes that it’s going to get a lot more brutal. Indeed. Yoko comes back with a handful of salt and they head back in, where Yoko gets a clothesline and tries to roll him into the casket. Taker awakens and comes back for the slugfest, but Yoko puts him down with a belly to belly suplex. Taker no-sells it and gets a pretty decent chokeslam and follows with a DDT, and at this point it’s a pretty decent match. BUT IT GETS WORSE. So into the casket goes Yokozuna, but Crush runs out and attacks, preventing the finish. Taker gets rid of him, but now the Great Kabuki of all people comes in, followed by Tenryu. Yes, they have fucking GENICHIRO TENRYU booked for the show and this is what they use him for. And now Bam Bam Bigelow, as far more troubling is Yokozuna still unconscious in the casket after a single DDT two minutes previously. But now it REALLY gets silly, as Paul Bearer uses the power of the urn to inspire Undertaker to fight off four guys at once, so Jeff Jarrett and Adam Bomb now join the shitstorm. Oh, and the Headshrinkers. At least it makes sense for THEM to assist Yokozuna. Luckily, Yoko has now recovered from that devastating DDT and is walking around again. And the last man in is Diesel, and with 11 guys helping they STILL can’t close the damn casket lid. BUT IT GETS WORSE. The horde takes out Paul Bearer and steals the urn, which causes (and I’m very embarrassed as a wrestling fan to type this) green smoke to flood out of it, presumably the spirits of Undertaker’s dead parents. So that, finally, is enough to get him in the casket and close the lid at 14:18. And you’re thinking OK, that was a horrible finish and an embarrassment to anyone who’s not Vince Russo or Ed Ferrera, but they can’t possibly sink lower, can they? BUT IT GETS WORSE. So while the heels celebrate the presumably dead body of Undertaker, the lights go out and we somehow get a camera shot from inside the casket, where Undertaker CUTS A PROMO FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. And you thought HHH was bad. Do any of the heels open up the casket and punch him in the mouth at this point? Of course not, they all stare blankly at the video wall while Undertaker delivers a dramatic soliloquy and then rises to the ceiling. Not a dream, not an imaginary story. I paid MONEY to watch this PPV in 1994 and then continued as a wrestling fan afterwards. If ever a match deserved the full negative monty, this is undoubtedly it. -***** Worst of all, none of this went anywhere until November, as you’d think it would set up Undertaker’s Kill Bill rampage of revenge, but instead he just took months off. AND THIS WASN’T EVEN THE STUPIDEST FINISH ON THIS SHOW! On the bright side, it was still better than the January 4 Impact. Royal Rumble: Scott Steiner is #1 and Samu is #2. Steiner tosses Samu around and gets a butterfly bomb, but can’t muscle him over the top. Samu comes back with a clothesline and we’re doing 90 second intervals this year, as Rick Steiner is #3. The Steiners double-team Samu, as you’d expect, and suplex the crap out of him, but make no serious effort to get rid of him. Samu misses a charge and hangs himself in the ropes anyway, and he’s gone at 3:22. KWANG is #4 and he uses his MARTIAL ARTS on Scott and blows mist in Rick’s face, but Scott suplexes him anyway. Owen Hart is #5 to a big heel reaction and he immediately goes after the blinded Rick Steiner and puts him out at 5:50. Good for you, Owen! Bart Gunn is #6 and he goes after Owen, with no luck. Diesel is #7 and he hits everyone indiscriminately. Diesel dumps Bart at 8:57, then Scott at 9:00, then Owen at 9:09. Kwang tries to stop him and gets tossed at 9:25. DIESEL POWER begins here. Mr. Bob Backlund is #8 and nearly gets Big Kev out with a double leg, but leverage isn’t on his side. Diesel gets him out at 10:20 to clear the ring. No wonder he got over. Billy Gunn is #9 and he quickly runs into a boot and he’s gone at 11:25. And now the crowd is firmly behind Diesel. But wait! This gives us a chance to watch footage of the Japanese contingent attacking Lex Luger in the locker room. That’s a shame. Virgil is #10 and I’m not giving him much of a shot. Diesel misses a charge and Virgil uses his fisticuffs, but Diesel gets rid of him at 13:19. Dibiase takes particular delight in that, a nice touch. And now Macho Man is #11 and that’s gonna be it for the big run. Savage pounds away on Kev and throws elbows in the corner, and Jeff Jarrett is #12. He clotheslines Savage out, but Macho skins the cat to hang on and then sends Jarrett back to the dressing room at 17:14. Crush is #13 and that’s trouble for Savage. Savage elbows him down and goes up with the double axehandle, then goes after Diesel as well and loses the battle. The heels double-team him and Doink is #14. Savage is out at 19:10 during Doink’s entrance, leaving the heels to pound on each other while Doink laughs at them. That gets him a beatdown, and Bam Bam Bigelow is #15. Crush & Diesel give Bam Bam free reign to assault Doink, so he sends him into the aisle at 21:14 with a Spike Dudley toss. Nice. The heels all turn on each other, and Mabel is #16. He hits Diesel with an Avalanche, then Bigelow, and SPARKY PLUGG is #17. Now we’re getting into the SERIOUS contenders. People do the “lay on the ropes and pretend to get each other out” thing to burn some time, until Shawn Michaels at #18. Interesting to think that he would go on to win the next two in the row. Everyone decides to go after Diesel, and he’s gone at 25:59. He’d have better days ahead of him. So with the crowd favorite gone, Mo is #19. There’s way too many people with purple tights in there. Bless the 90s. Shawn teases some eliminations and Greg Valentine is #20. Forgot about that one. He goes after Bigelow as deadwood is starting to accumulate. Tatanka is #21 and he beats on Shawn, but Mabel actually holds Tatanka so that Shawn can get some shots in. Shawn turns on him anyway. Kabuki is #22, but don’t union rules say we can only have one mist-spewing Asian per match? Everyone decides to gang up on Mabel and dumps him at 32:32. Probably wise. Lex Luger is #23 and hopefully he’ll clear the ring for AMERICA. Kabuki goes back to Japania at 33:40! And that’s his whole babyface rampage, as Crush attacks him to stop the madness. Tenryu is #24 and he chops Luger right away, and they’re pretty awesome chops. He’s earned his money. #25 no-shows, and Vince is sure it was Bret Hart’s spot, although I believe later it was revealed to be Bastion Booger’s spot. So we continue on and Rick Martel is #26. Luger and Tatanka slug it out in an interesting bit of foreshadowing, and otherwise nothing is going on until Bret Hart is #27, still selling the leg injury from earlier. And the crowd goes nuts for him, especially with the limp. Crush immediately goes for the knee, aided by Tenryu. Fatu is #28 and there’s way too many guys, as the last elimination was more than 10 minutes ago. And Crush gets pounded out by Luger at 42:38. Marty Jannetty is #29, and it’s gung ho against Shawn Michaels to a big pop, as they trade like Frye and Takayama, but gayer. They exchange superkicks, but Marty can’t suplex Shawn out. And finally, Adam Bomb is #30. Bret dumps Plugg at 45:21 to end the dream of Bob Holly in a Wrestlemania main event, and Tenryu is still chopping the shit out of everyone. Doesn’t he know that the object of a battle royale is to lay around on the ropes and crack jokes? Someone teach this guy how to work. Things slow right down with everyone in, and no one can still get Shawn out. Martel finally gets Valentine out at 49:19, and Tatanka dumps Martel at 49:39. Bomb charges Lex and hits the floor at 49:50. Finally, someone gave the “go home” signal. Tatanka goes out at 50:18 off-screen. Shawn and Marty continue their private war, and Bam Bam bumps out at 51:05 following a Luger forearm. Shawn gets rid of Marty at 51:14 for the moral victory, and holy cow Tenryu is still there. Cute spot as he runs Shawn and Fatu’s heads together, but only Shawn sells it. Tenryu just chops the shit out of Luger again, but Bret and Lex team up and dump Tenryu at 52:29. Final Four: Bret Hart, Lex Luger, Fatu, and Shawn Michaels. Bret and Shawn battle on the ropes as Fatu superkicks Lex off my favorite headbutt no-sell spot. The heels put Luger on the apron, but he fights them off and makes the superhero comeback. And the faces backdrop the heels out at 54:49 simultaneously, giving us Bret v. Lex. And they fight to the ropes, and both are out at 55:08 for the most retarded Royal Rumble finish until 1999. Replays clearly show that Luger hit the floor first, but Bret got the last laugh anyway. I should also note that the crowd reaction to Bret’s fake win is MASSIVE compared to Luger’s. A very entertaining Rumble for about the first 40 minutes, then it got clogged up and died off bigtime, leading to the worst Rumble finish ever up until that point. ***1/2 The Pulse: It’s kinda sorta good if you can ignore the glaring spot in the middle surrounding the casket match, but it’s not an all-time classic or anything. Mild recommendation to avoid overall.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 94 – Live from Providence, Rhode Island. Is that the state or Dusty while he’s swimming? – Your hosts are Ted Dibiase (the Million Dollar Man) and Vince McMahon (The Billion Dollar Man). Triviata: Ted Dibiase is the only color man to have done a PPV with both Vince McMahon AND Eric Bischoff (this show and Souled Out 97 respectively), although I don’t know if the same applies to TV broadcasts. If you add TV broadcasts, you can add Bobby Heenan to that list.– Opening match: Tatanka v. Bam Bam Bigelow. This was supposed to be Tatanka v. Ludvig Borga, but ol’ Tony had an ankle injury that ended up changing the course of the WWF. Ludvig was supposed to win this match, using it as a stepping stone to the World title a couple of weeks after, then losing it to Lex Luger at Wrestlemania X. Of course, things turned out much differently. (2012 Scott sez:  This is of course a very dubious proposition spread mostly by Tony Halme himself.)  Tatanka is painted like Peter Criss tonight. You know what’s sad? I made that joke in 1994 and no one got it. Now suddenly KISS makes a comeback and the reference isn’t half as witty as it was. I wonder if Dennis Miller has these kinds of problems. (2012 Scott sez:  I’m totally into old KISS these days.  I actually got into them in the 80s listening to their non-makeup hair metal era, but now all I listen to is the 70s stuff from the debut album through to the “Music From The Elder” atrocity.)   Slugfest to start, and Tatanka blows a bunch of stuff. Well, really he just blows, but I figured I might as well finish the sentence. (2012 Scott sez:  Hey now, I don’t mind Tatanka these days.)  The announcers talk about both men competing in the Rumble later on, which marked the first year that depletion of the roster due to the you-know-what trials forced multiple appearances for the talent on the Rumble card. Now it’s standard practice. (2012 Scott sez:  Now we’ve swung the other way in the post-WCW world, with so many people on the roster that they’ve talked about doing separate RAW and Smackdown Rumbles at times.)  It was a pretty big thing at the time, however. Bearhuggery abounds here. Tatanka tries the Pissed Off Racial Stereotype Comeback, but takes an enzuigiri. Bigelow mocks him, but misses his goofy moonsault, and Tatanka finishes with a flying bodypress at 8:10. This was there. * – WWF tag team title match: The Quebecers v. Bret & Owen Hart. I really need a high quality MP3 of that theme song. RSPW was creaming themselves once the 123 X-Pac and Marty Jannetty won the tag titles on RAW, because we thought we’d get a ***** match out of the deal. Sadly, the match was never changed to that combo (it would have been a standard Harts-Quebecers tag match) and besides which, the Quebecers regained the belts in MSG a week later. Oh, by the way, the WWF Sledgehammer of Plot Committee would just like to remind everyone that EVERYTHING IS ABSOLUTELY FINE between the Harts, thank you very much. Harts double-team the champs to start. Odd moment: Vince McMahon accuses Dibiase of being a limelight hog for most of his career. I won’t even start on that one, because I’ll go on for 5 paragraphs. Champs stall for a bit after Bret gets about 10 two-counts to frustrate Jacques. Pierre cheapshots Bret and a brawl erupts. Cool spot: We do the “double whip, dosey-do” bit that sends Owen & Bret crashing into each other, but Bret immediately whips Owen into Pierre, which allows Owen to switch to a spear move in mid-air, then upon impact roll up Pierre for a two count. That is seriously damn cool. Note to Edge & Christian: Start doing shit like that more often. Leg lariat gets two for Owen. Side suplex gets two. Bret comes in but gets powerslammed into face-in-peril mode to begin the first heat segment of the match. Owen eventually gets a hot tag and suplexes everything in sight. Sharpshooter on Jacques, but another cheapshot breaks it, and we get heat segment #2, this time on Owen. Bret comes back in quickly, hitting the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM on Pierre. Johnny Polo (Raven) pulls down the ropes and Bret falls to the floor, hurting his knee. This begins heats segment #3, as the Quebecers work his knee and generally cheat like rabid weasels. (2012 Scott sez:  “rabid weasels”?!?) We work the countout tease for a bit, then Owen tosses Bret back in. The champs hurt the knee for a while and go for the cannonball finisher, but Bret moves…and won’t tag Owen. Instead, he tries the Sharpshooter on Pierre, but his own knee gives way, and the ref stops the match at 16:44. What a jerk. If I was Owen, I’d turn on him, too. Owen is rightfully pissed, and verbally abuses his poor brother while he rolls around on the mat clutching his knee. Bret fights his way to his feet (to applause), so Owen KICKS HIS LEG OUT OF HIS LEG! Don’t worry, I’ll explain the reference next paragraph. Big heel heat for Owen there. Great match, great angle that makes Bret an even bigger babyface and Owen a huge heel with one kick. **** – Toad Pedophile finds Owen in the locker room, allowing Owen to deliver his semi-famous “YOU’RE TOO DAMN SELFISH” interview, where he berates Bret for only thinking of himself, then stumbles over his big line: He was supposed to say “…and that’s why I kicked your leg out from under you!” but instead he ended up saying “…and that’s why I kicked your leg out of your…uh…leg.”, which sounded much lamer. For comparison, compare the tone of voice in Austin Powers when he says “Allow myself to…uh…introduce myself”. Same thing. – Intercontinental title match: Razor Ramon v. IRS. Jim Ross & Gorilla Monsoon take over for this match. Typical Mad-libbed “you stole my [item of value], so I’m gonna [violent verb] you” angle here, although the one the fans were really digging was the Shawn v. Razor one over the I-C title claim. It should be noted that Ramon is wearing his very macho powder blue tights tonight. Razor takes his trademark over-the-top bump to give control to IRS. Weird spot as IRS comes off the top and Ramon sticks his foot in the air, but IRS changes direction in mid-air and avoids it. Miscue there, I think. Ramon comes back with the usual. Ref is bumped, and heeeeeeeeeere’s Shawn. Lovetap with the bogus I-C title puts Ramon out, and IRS covers for the pin and the title at 10:44. And whereas that would be enough for a semi-clean win in most circumstances, Dave Hebner must have realized how lame IRS as a singles champion of any kind would be, because he rushes out to inform Joey Marella of the chicanery perpetrated by Shawn Michaels, and the match is restarted. Ramon gets the Edge and the pin (the real one) at 11:44. This was whatever, but on the upside it led to the ladder match at Wrestlemania X. ¾* – WWF title casket match: Yokozuna v. The Undertaker. And yes, this is THAT match. And if you’re reading this and wondering “What does he mean by ‘THAT match’?”, well, obviously you’ve led a very sheltered life and have never heard of this match before, and are thus much more mentally stable than the rest of us poor bastards who had to watch it in 1994. I’d just like to point out, for the record, that all the free tapes from WCW, exposure from Wrestleline, money from Sean Shannon, and ass-kissing from fans STILL isn’t enough to justify the mental anguish that this match has caused millions of people and the suffering I have to go through in order to review it for you, the reader. But I guess a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. So please, before we begin, bear in mind that I am making NONE of this up, and everything I am about to describe actually happened, live on a PPV. This is not, just to clarify, an LSD hallucination gone wrong, or a dream sequence that ended with Pat Patterson waking up in the shower in the next morning. And please, for the love of god, put the kids to bed before you read this match review, or skip to the Royal Rumble match. I wouldn’t want any of them to read it and later become a booker with these kinds of ideas lodged in their heads. God knows there’s enough bad influences on TV these days without the added mental problems caused by watching Undertaker matches from 1994. (2012 Scott sez:  There actually are people working for WWE now who would have grown up watching this match and probably taken ideas from it.  THINK ABOUT THAT.)  Presenting the all-time champion of overbooking and general stupidity…Undertaker v. Yokozuna, part one. Onto the match.. – Undertaker gets a quick start, chasing Yoko to the floor. The brawl a bit. Then a bit more. Yoko gains the upper hand with the CEREMONIAL SALT OF DOOM and some weak chairshots. First casketing attempt goes to Yoko, but UT blocks and comes back. Belly-to-bellies ends that, but Taker does the zombie situp. Chokeslam follows, and a HUGE swinging DDT. Undertaker tries to finish, and you might want to skip ahead now, because it REALLY starts to suck. Crush blocks UT’s win attempt, and Taker fights him off. Now the Great Kabuki (as an agent of Mr. Fuji) tries his luck, along with Genichiro Tenryu. Taker fights them all off. Now Bam Bam comes down and it’s 4-on-1. Yoko awakes from his nap in the casket, so now it’s 5-on-1. Is the point hammered home yet? Of course not, so here’s Adam Bomb to make it 6-on-1. Throw in Jeff Jarrett for 7-on-1, then the Headshrinkers make it NINE-on-1, which is getting excessive even by ECW standards. Diesel joins us last (lazy bastard) for an even 10-on-1, and they STILL, ten guys mind you, can’t get him into the damn coffin. So what would YOU do? Steal the urn of course, and dump the ashes out. Then, just when you thought it couldn’t get sillier, it does: Green smoke pours out of the urn and everyone acts all shocked. LET’S KICK IT UP A NOTCH (2012 Scott sez:  Emeril Lagasse reference there, kids.  I miss him in this age of Guy Fieri having 17 shows and imitators on the Food Network.)  – Vince deadpans, as the entire match (and indeed his promotion) falls apart in the ring: “It appears that the power of the urn is escaping, and with it the Undertaker’s powers”. I swear to god he actually said that without a trace of irony. That’s why I couldn’t be a wrestling announcer – I’d get fired for ripping stuff apart as soon as I saw how dumb an idea it was. Finally, after all that, they put the Undertaker down for good and shut the lid to give Yokozuna the win at 14:19, although the actual 1-on-1 match lasted all of 5 minutes. The crowd is left completely numbed and in shock by the ending. –**** (2012 Scott sez:  I only gave this negative four stars?  What would it have needed to be to earn five?)  – Suck it in, because we’re not done yet. The heels then lock the casket and wheel it to the dressing room, but it starts to smoke on the way down the aisle. A video of UT appears on the video wall (which the announcers naturally assume is a live feed of Undertaker inside his casket, thus indicating that Ocham’s Razor is a foreign concept to Vince McMahon, Jr.  (2012 Scott sez:  Hell of a name for a finisher, though.)  ). Undertaker, who is now “dying”, stops his decomposition long enough to give a speech. I was so touched that I transcribed it, because you all deserve to share my pain. I was gonna split it into individual haikus to really be a smart-ass, but it’s late, so here’s the Undertaker’s last words: – “ Be not proud, because the spirit of the Undertaker live within the souls of mankind, the eternal flame of life which cannot be extinguished, the origin of which cannot be explained. The answer lies in the everlasting spirit. Soon all mankind will witness the rebirth of the Undertaker. I will not rest in peace.” – Is that fucking deep or what? I feel like humming “Personal Jesus” right now. I wonder if Sid was watching this show and took interviewing notes or something? By the way, Mark Callaway wanted time off to spend with his wife, so Vince thought up this whole wonderful “sports entertainment” moment to explain his absence. Whatever happened to “he hurt his leg” or “he’s in jail” like in the good old days?  (2012 Scott sez:  Or now, he got suspended for a Wellness violation.)  – Oh, wait, sorry, I bet you thought this segment couldn’t get anymore stupid and offensive…FOOLISH MORTAL! I’ll break your spirit yet! The video wall image of the Undertaker goes to a reverse-color scheme, then starts to “rise” out of the video wall, to be replaced by Marty Jannetty dressed in an Undertaker costume, “levitating” to the ceiling (with wires clearly visible) while Vince earnestly sells the whole experience as a deep and meaningful spiritual experience. – Dear Federal Investigators: Obviously whoever conducted the investigation of Mr. Vincent K. McMahon on suspicion of drug distribution in 1994 and failed to get a conviction was either retarded or coked out of their mind, because if the above 30 minutes doesn’t conclusively prove that the entire booking team was on mind-altering substances of some form then the American legal system might as well pack it in now, because justice is not only blind, it’s stupid. Yours Truly, Scott Keith. P.S. If you do indeed fire your lead investigator, consider forwarding his resume to WCW, because even retarded and on mind-altering substances, he’s still one up on Russo & Ferrera at this point. – Royal Rumble: For those of you who haven’t sworn off wrestling entirely after the above, welcome back. Scott Steiner gets #1, Samu #2. Scott has his hair permed like my ex-girlfriend Karen, which is kind of creepy. Due to time constraints we’re going with 90 seconds instead of 2 minutes here. Rick Steiner gets #3, and the Steiners get rid of Samu quickly. Kwang (what’s the sound of 300 pounds of crap hitting the fan? KWANG!) is #4 and he sprays green mist at the Steiners and does some lethal martial arts. To put it in perspective, Kwang is of course that renowned martial artist Savio Vega. Owen Hart (and his big heel pop) are #5. The heels dominate. Owen does an innocuous tussle with Rick in the corner, and ends up fighting hard enough to knock Steiner out. Bart Gunn is #6. He peppers Owen with left hands, but Owen does his Butterbean impersonation and ignores them. (2012 Scott sez:  Poor Bart, punchline for all time.)  Diesel is #7, triggering a pretty famous sequence. Bart! Steiner! Owen! Kwang! Everyone takes a seat on the floor, and the crowd eats it up. Bob Backlund is #8, and there he goes out the other side. Fans chant “Diesel” as he waits for the next victim. It’s Billy Gunn at #9, and he’s out on his ass, man, about that many seconds later. (2012 Scott sez:  I’m kinda ON here.)  Virgil is #10, but not for long. The “Diesel” chants grow louder, and would keep growing louder until he got the WWF title in November of that year. Here’s your weird thought for the day: Kevin Nash was on the verge of being fired at that point, since he was getting no reaction and couldn’t work, and if the Rumble run hadn’t worked, he likely would have gone back to WCW and ended his career around 1995 doing the Vinnie Vegas gimmick for $500 a night, then retired. But it DID work, and he went on to three World titles, numerous tag titles, and a position as head booker of WCW. So if you were one of the fans who were chanting for him that night…GO TO HELL! It’s all YOUR fault that Kevin Nash booked all that crap last year. (2012 Scott sez:  Also, the people at the 2011 Rumble who gave him a big pop for his return, also go to hell.  That match at TLC is your fault, too.)  Randy Savage is #11, thus ending Diesel’s stream of jobbers. He holds his own until Jarrett comes in at #12. Vince’s summary of Jarrett’s motivation nearly makes me tear my hair out: “He wants to use the WWF as a stepping stone to stardom in Nashville”. How the hell is that supposed to draw heel heat for him? An evil COUNTRY SINGER? No wonder the WWF lost so much money. Crush is #13, and he’s on Savage like attractive women on anyone but Mark Madden. Crush and Savage brawl while Diesel rests. Lazy bastard. Heels double-team Savage. Doink is #14. That’d be Steve Lombardi here, I think. Crush presses Savage out of the match. Crush and Diesel fight for a minute, then realize Doink is an easier target. Bigleow is #15, so the heels kindly step out of the way and Bigelow javelins the clown out of the ring halfway down the aisle. That’s pretty decisive right there. Sick bump, too. Mabel is #16. Nothing like a big fat black man to liven up the match. Diesel gets flattened. “Sparky” Thurman Plugg makes his inauspicious WWF debut at #17, beginning an amazing 5 years of non-stop jobbing and humiliation, which would drive most sane people to quitting or suicide, but ol’ Sparky actually hung on and ended up becoming internet darling Hardcore Holly in 1999. (2012 Scott sez:  Boy THAT fortune sure reversed for him in a big way a couple of years later.)  So maybe there’s hope for Prince Iaukea yet.  (2012 Scott sez:  Nope, he’s long retired from the business as an active wrestler.) HBK is #18. Diesel goes after him, just because he can. Shawn ducks out of the way, and the rest of the pack attacks and dumps Diesel. He gets a standing ovation on the way out. Mo is #19. Greg Valentine is #20, subbing for someone. Talent pool is getting pretty weak here. Tatanka is #21, with freshly repainted face. More stuff going on than I can follow easily. This match needs an enema. The Great Kabuki is #22 and casts fear into everyone’s heart. Everyone gangs up on Mabel and dumps him. Lex Luger is #23 and I’m hoping for a big babyface run to clear the deadwood, but Kabuki is his only victim. (2012 Scott sez:  If you don’t even get the big babyface deadwood clearing spot, then you know they don’t have faith in you.)  Tenryu is #24. Out-of-context quote du jour from Dibiase: “He’s there to do a job, he’s not there to win”. Shawn does a bunch of teases on the ropes. Bastion Booger is #25, but doesn’t show up. Rick Martel is #26. More stuff going on. Bret Hart is #27, STILL selling that knee injury. Crowd pops HUGE for him. Fatu (Rikishi) is #28. About half the total population of the match is still in this thing, and that’s way too many. Crush is dumped by three guys. Marty Jannetty is #29, and he and Shawn go flying at each other like Artemis Gordon and James West with those collars on, and the crowd goes nuts because of it. Last man at #30: Adam Bomb. So our field looks like…wait a sec, there goes Sparky. So our field looks like Bomb, Michaels, Jannetty, Luger, Hart, Tenryu, Tatanka, Valentine, Martel, Mo, Fatu & Bigelow. Lots of aimless wandering for a few minutes, then I guess someone signals to go home, because we go fast and furious. Martel wrestles with Valentine in the corner, and Valentine accidentally slips off the ropes and is out. Martel gets backdropped out by Tatanka right after. Everyone dogpiles Adam Bomb and he’s gone. Bigelow tosses Tatanka. Bigelow charges the corner and Flair Flips down to the floor. Jannetty meets him down there. Luger sends Tenryu back to Japan, and we’re left with…the Final Four. – Final Four: Luger, Hart, Michaels, Fatu. Gee, I wonder who goes first? Bret and Shawn do a cool sequence and almost knock each other out. Fatu & Shawn get Luger to the apron, but he fights back in and kills everyone. Double-whip allows Luger and Bret to simultaneously eliminate both heels. Luger and Bret fight to the ropes and over, where both hit the floor at 55:25 to end the match. After a lengthy discussion and a little experimentation on the crowd by WWF bookers (announcing one guy as winner, then the other, to gauge reaction), both men are announced as “co-winners”. Later footage on WWF TV, and testimony from people in the front rows, would clearly reveal Luger to have hit the floor first. C’est la vie, it was still a decent Rumble. ***1/2 The Bottom Line: Steroid trials do funny things to a man, and causing him to book shows like this one is one such thing. The Undertaker angle led to the wonderful “fake Undertaker” saga later that year, while the Hart Family dispute led to a ***** match at WM10 and a renewal of Bret Hart’s career, one of many to come. I leave it as an exercise to the reader to decide which was more worth it in the long run. I’m torn on the recommendation – there’s a couple of great matches, but the Undertaker thing is like a cancer on the rest of the tape. And since the whole Owen-Bret thing was recapped numerous times before Wrestlemania that year, I’ll have to go recommendation to avoid on this show. (2012 Scott sez:  Onto the redone version from a couple of years ago, which I have nothing really to add to.) The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 1994 – I’m stuck with the Anthology DVD version, which at least has much better video quality than my original VHS dub, so blame that for any inconsistencies with the original review. At least that means the full PPV version and not the Coliseum edit. – Live from Providence, Rhode Island. – Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Ted Dibiase. This actually now makes more sense to me given the rotating color commentators on RAW after the departure of Bobby Heenan. Back in the day, it was totally random to me because I only got to watch Superstars. Tatanka v. Bam Bam Bigelow Originally scheduled to be Ludvig Borga here, but what turned out to be a career-ending injury removed him from the show. Slugfest to start and Bigelow dropkicks Tatanka into the corner, but misses a charge and gets powered down. Tatanka with a crossbody for two and he works the arm, then catches Bigelow with his head down for a DDT. To the top, but he whiffs on a cross body and Bammer takes over. Avalanche in the corner, but another try hits boot and Tatanka goes up again with a sunset flip off the top, blocked by Bam Bam’s ass. Tatanka tries to slug him down, but Bam Bam gets a jumping kick for two. Bigelow with the bearhug, but Tatanka is GOING NATIVE! Bigelow puts him down again with a shoulderblock, but another try results in a Tatanka powerslam for two. They both go for a crossbody and collide for the double KO, but it’s comeback time…until Bam Bam pulls out the enzuigiri, which again draws a big pop from the heel fans in the crowd. The Lunasault misses, however, and Tatanka goes up again with a crossbody for the pin at 8:12. Kind of an anticlimactic finish, but it was a fun match put together on short notice. ***1/2 WWF World tag team titles: The Quebecers v. The Hart Brothers The Quebecers were fresh off regaining the tag titles at MSG and the Harts were fresh off a ***** match against the Steiners for Coliseum video, so it was a good week for both. Pierre gets a quick slam on Bret, but runs into a knee. Owen comes in and hiptosses Pierre into a slam for two. A sign at ringside declares “Yokozuna RIP” which unfortunately proved clairvoyant. Jacques comes in to slow things down, but Owen suplexes him and dropkicks him back to his own corner again. Another try, and this time Owen gets the enzuigiri for two. The Harts get a Demolition elbow for two. Bret with a small package for two. Sunset flip gets two. Rollup gets two, but Pierre nails Bret and it’s BONZO GONZO. The Quebecers try to whip the babyfaces into each other, but Owen catapults himself into a rollup on Jacques for two instead. Very nice. The champs bail for some advice from Johnny Polo (“Always insist on cash from Paul Heyman.”), and back in Owen gets a leg lariat on Pierre for two. Overhead suplex gets two. Legdrop gets two. It’s awesome seeing the Harts able to cut loose for once, as Jacques was able to keep up with whatever crazy stuff they could come up with. Bret comes in and walks into a Pierre powerslam for two, and Jacques allows some choking in the corner. Quebecers double-team Bret with an elbow and Pierre pounds on him in the corner, and it’s more quality cheating while hotheaded Owen tries to come in. Pierre comes off the middle rope and lands on Bret’s foot, and it’s hot tag Owen. Backdrop for Jacques, belly to belly suplex for Pierre, and he goes to finish Jacques with the Sharpshooter, but Pierre bulldogs him behind the ref’s back to break. And so Owen is your face-in-peril. They drop him on the top rope for two, but Owen quickly tags Bret back in and he fights off both Quebecers alone. Backbreaker and legsweep for Jacques and noggins are knocked, then he gets rid of Pierre and looks to finish…but Johnny Polo pulls down the top rope and Bret blows out his knee on the way down. The Quebecers swarm in and work over the knee outside until Owen chases them off. Back in, Jacques beats the hell out of the knee and goes to a Boston crab, while the announcers implore Bret to go over and make the tag. The Quebecers switch off on the knee and Vince declares that it’s not skill, it’s HOOLIGANISM. They should have marketed a Vince McMahon Word Of The Day Calendar. Bret tries a Sharpshooter on Pierre, but can’t complete the move, and the ref stops the match at 16:48. Who is he, Steve Mazzagatti? Terrible finish, but a great match up until the storyline took over. **** Speaking of storylines, Owen berates his brother for not tagging, and then KICKS THE LEG FROM UNDER HIS LEG. You know, it’s funny, because years later that would be the least horrific thing that members of that family would do to each other. At least Bret didn’t sue for that or write a tell-all book about it. Meanwhile, Owen cuts a promo from backstage, telling Bret that he’s TOO SELFISH and coins the “kicked the leg from under your leg” phrase that people mocked him about for years afterwards. Owen and a live mic used to be a risky proposition. WWF Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. IRS IRS has stolen the gold from around Ramon’s neck to give this some minimal backstory, and Razor slugs him down and chases him out of the ring to start. Back in for an atomic drop, but they head out and Irwin sends him into the stairs. Back in for a quick chinlock and IRS legdrops him low, then drops an elbow for two. Back to the chinlock, but Razor fights out and slugs him down, then gets the blockbuster slam for two. And tragically, the ref is bumped, allowing IRS to grab the briefcase. Razor gets it away and puts IRS down for the pin, but of course there’s no ref. So Ramon puts him on the top rope for a backdrop superplex and sets up for the Razor’s Edge, but Shawn Michaels runs in and clobbers him with the belt, which gives IRS the pin and the title at 9:43?! Luckily, Earl Hebner runs out and demands the match be restarted, because if there’s one thing he won’t stand for, it’s injustice in a title match when Shawn Michaels is involved! Ramon hits the Edge in all the confusion and pins IRS to retain. Whew. Just kind of a junky RAW match. ** But hey, if this is the worst match tonight, it’ll still be an easy thumbs up, right? WWF World title, casket match: Yokozuna v. Undertaker Hang on, I need two Red Bulls and a bag of mushrooms to properly deal with this first. … Well, all I had was canned mushrooms, so that’ll have to do. You know, thinking about Undertaker during this period, he really got stuck with the shittiest series of feuds that you could possibly think up. He had two PPVs against Giant Gonzalez with a house show feud against Mr. Hughes sandwiched in the middle, then got to face Yokozuna in this legendarily horrible match, then had to face himself at Summerslam. No wonder he had no incentive to get better. Anyway, Taker gets a flying clothesline and they fight to the floor, and Taker quickly no-sells everything and heads back in for the ropewalk. Back to the floor, UT beats on him with a chair, and Ted Dibiase notes that it’s going to get a lot more brutal. Indeed. Yoko comes back with a handful of salt and they head back in, where Yoko gets a clothesline and tries to roll him into the casket. Taker awakens and comes back for the slugfest, but Yoko puts him down with a belly to belly suplex. Taker no-sells it and gets a pretty decent chokeslam and follows with a DDT, and at this point it’s a pretty decent match. BUT IT GETS WORSE. So into the casket goes Yokozuna, but Crush runs out and attacks, preventing the finish. Taker gets rid of him, but now the Great Kabuki of all people comes in, followed by Tenryu. Yes, they have fucking GENICHIRO TENRYU booked for the show and this is what they use him for. And now Bam Bam Bigelow, as far more troubling is Yokozuna still unconscious in the casket after a single DDT two minutes previously. But now it REALLY gets silly, as Paul Bearer uses the power of the urn to inspire Undertaker to fight off four guys at once, so Jeff Jarrett and Adam Bomb now join the shitstorm. Oh, and the Headshrinkers. At least it makes sense for THEM to assist Yokozuna. Luckily, Yoko has now recovered from that devastating DDT and is walking around again. And the last man in is Diesel, and with 11 guys helping they STILL can’t close the damn casket lid. BUT IT GETS WORSE. The horde takes out Paul Bearer and steals the urn, which causes (and I’m very embarrassed as a wrestling fan to type this) green smoke to flood out of it, presumably the spirits of Undertaker’s dead parents. So that, finally, is enough to get him in the casket and close the lid at 14:18. And you’re thinking OK, that was a horrible finish and an embarrassment to anyone who’s not Vince Russo or Ed Ferrera, but they can’t possibly sink lower, can they? BUT IT GETS WORSE. So while the heels celebrate the presumably dead body of Undertaker, the lights go out and we somehow get a camera shot from inside the casket, where Undertaker CUTS A PROMO FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. And you thought HHH was bad. Do any of the heels open up the casket and punch him in the mouth at this point? Of course not, they all stare blankly at the video wall while Undertaker delivers a dramatic soliloquy and then rises to the ceiling. Not a dream, not an imaginary story. I paid MONEY to watch this PPV in 1994 and then continued as a wrestling fan afterwards. If ever a match deserved the full negative monty, this is undoubtedly it. -***** Worst of all, none of this went anywhere until November, as you’d think it would set up Undertaker’s Kill Bill rampage of revenge, but instead he just took months off. AND THIS WASN’T EVEN THE STUPIDEST FINISH ON THIS SHOW! On the bright side, it was still better than the January 4 Impact. Royal Rumble: Scott Steiner is #1 and Samu is #2. Steiner tosses Samu around and gets a butterfly bomb, but can’t muscle him over the top. Samu comes back with a clothesline and we’re doing 90 second intervals this year, as Rick Steiner is #3. The Steiners double-team Samu, as you’d expect, and suplex the crap out of him, but make no serious effort to get rid of him. Samu misses a charge and hangs himself in the ropes anyway, and he’s gone at 3:22. KWANG is #4 and he uses his MARTIAL ARTS on Scott and blows mist in Rick’s face, but Scott suplexes him anyway. Owen Hart is #5 to a big heel reaction and he immediately goes after the blinded Rick Steiner and puts him out at 5:50. Good for you, Owen! Bart Gunn is #6 and he goes after Owen, with no luck. Diesel is #7 and he hits everyone indiscriminately. Diesel dumps Bart at 8:57, then Scott at 9:00, then Owen at 9:09. Kwang tries to stop him and gets tossed at 9:25. DIESEL POWER begins here. Mr. Bob Backlund is #8 and nearly gets Big Kev out with a double leg, but leverage isn’t on his side. Diesel gets him out at 10:20 to clear the ring. No wonder he got over. Billy Gunn is #9 and he quickly runs into a boot and he’s gone at 11:25. And now the crowd is firmly behind Diesel. But wait! This gives us a chance to watch footage of the Japanese contingent attacking Lex Luger in the locker room. That’s a shame. Virgil is #10 and I’m not giving him much of a shot. Diesel misses a charge and Virgil uses his fisticuffs, but Diesel gets rid of him at 13:19. Dibiase takes particular delight in that, a nice touch. And now Macho Man is #11 and that’s gonna be it for the big run. Savage pounds away on Kev and throws elbows in the corner, and Jeff Jarrett is #12. He clotheslines Savage out, but Macho skins the cat to hang on and then sends Jarrett back to the dressing room at 17:14. Crush is #13 and that’s trouble for Savage. Savage elbows him down and goes up with the double axehandle, then goes after Diesel as well and loses the battle. The heels double-team him and Doink is #14. Savage is out at 19:10 during Doink’s entrance, leaving the heels to pound on each other while Doink laughs at them. That gets him a beatdown, and Bam Bam Bigelow is #15. Crush & Diesel give Bam Bam free reign to assault Doink, so he sends him into the aisle at 21:14 with a Spike Dudley toss. Nice. The heels all turn on each other, and Mabel is #16. He hits Diesel with an Avalanche, then Bigelow, and SPARKY PLUGG is #17. Now we’re getting into the SERIOUS contenders. People do the “lay on the ropes and pretend to get each other out” thing to burn some time, until Shawn Michaels at #18. Interesting to think that he would go on to win the next two in the row. Everyone decides to go after Diesel, and he’s gone at 25:59. He’d have better days ahead of him. So with the crowd favorite gone, Mo is #19. There’s way too many people with purple tights in there. Bless the 90s. Shawn teases some eliminations and Greg Valentine is #20. Forgot about that one. He goes after Bigelow as deadwood is starting to accumulate. Tatanka is #21 and he beats on Shawn, but Mabel actually holds Tatanka so that Shawn can get some shots in. Shawn turns on him anyway. Kabuki is #22, but don’t union rules say we can only have one mist-spewing Asian per match? Everyone decides to gang up on Mabel and dumps him at 32:32. Probably wise. Lex Luger is #23 and hopefully he’ll clear the ring for AMERICA. Kabuki goes back to Japania at 33:40! And that’s his whole babyface rampage, as Crush attacks him to stop the madness. Tenryu is #24 and he chops Luger right away, and they’re pretty awesome chops. He’s earned his money. #25 no-shows, and Vince is sure it was Bret Hart’s spot, although I believe later it was revealed to be Bastion Booger’s spot. So we continue on and Rick Martel is #26. Luger and Tatanka slug it out in an interesting bit of foreshadowing, and otherwise nothing is going on until Bret Hart is #27, still selling the leg injury from earlier. And the crowd goes nuts for him, especially with the limp. Crush immediately goes for the knee, aided by Tenryu. Fatu is #28 and there’s way too many guys, as the last elimination was more than 10 minutes ago. And Crush gets pounded out by Luger at 42:38. Marty Jannetty is #29, and it’s gung ho against Shawn Michaels to a big pop, as they trade like Frye and Takayama, but gayer. They exchange superkicks, but Marty can’t suplex Shawn out. And finally, Adam Bomb is #30. Bret dumps Plugg at 45:21 to end the dream of Bob Holly in a Wrestlemania main event, and Tenryu is still chopping the shit out of everyone. Doesn’t he know that the object of a battle royale is to lay around on the ropes and crack jokes? Someone teach this guy how to work. Things slow right down with everyone in, and no one can still get Shawn out. Martel finally gets Valentine out at 49:19, and Tatanka dumps Martel at 49:39. Bomb charges Lex and hits the floor at 49:50. Finally, someone gave the “go home” signal. Tatanka goes out at 50:18 off-screen. Shawn and Marty continue their private war, and Bam Bam bumps out at 51:05 following a Luger forearm. Shawn gets rid of Marty at 51:14 for the moral victory, and holy cow Tenryu is still there. Cute spot as he runs Shawn and Fatu’s heads together, but only Shawn sells it. Tenryu just chops the shit out of Luger again, but Bret and Lex team up and dump Tenryu at 52:29. Final Four: Bret Hart, Lex Luger, Fatu, and Shawn Michaels. Bret and Shawn battle on the ropes as Fatu superkicks Lex off my favorite headbutt no-sell spot. The heels put Luger on the apron, but he fights them off and makes the superhero comeback. And the faces backdrop the heels out at 54:49 simultaneously, giving us Bret v. Lex. And they fight to the ropes, and both are out at 55:08 for the most retarded Royal Rumble finish until 1999. Replays clearly show that Luger hit the floor first, but Bret got the last laugh anyway. I should also note that the crowd reaction to Bret’s fake win is MASSIVE compared to Luger’s. A very entertaining Rumble for about the first 40 minutes, then it got clogged up and died off bigtime, leading to the worst Rumble finish ever up until that point. ***1/2 The Pulse: It’s kinda sorta good if you can ignore the glaring spot in the middle surrounding the casket match, but it’s not an all-time classic or anything. Mild recommendation to avoid overall.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 94 – Live from Providence, Rhode Island. Is that the state or Dusty while he’s swimming? – Your hosts are Ted Dibiase (the Million Dollar Man) and Vince McMahon (The Billion Dollar Man). Triviata: Ted Dibiase is the only color man to have done a PPV with both Vince McMahon AND Eric Bischoff (this show and Souled Out 97 respectively), although I don’t know if the same applies to TV broadcasts. If you add TV broadcasts, you can add Bobby Heenan to that list.– Opening match: Tatanka v. Bam Bam Bigelow. This was supposed to be Tatanka v. Ludvig Borga, but ol’ Tony had an ankle injury that ended up changing the course of the WWF. Ludvig was supposed to win this match, using it as a stepping stone to the World title a couple of weeks after, then losing it to Lex Luger at Wrestlemania X. Of course, things turned out much differently. (2012 Scott sez:  This is of course a very dubious proposition spread mostly by Tony Halme himself.)  Tatanka is painted like Peter Criss tonight. You know what’s sad? I made that joke in 1994 and no one got it. Now suddenly KISS makes a comeback and the reference isn’t half as witty as it was. I wonder if Dennis Miller has these kinds of problems. (2012 Scott sez:  I’m totally into old KISS these days.  I actually got into them in the 80s listening to their non-makeup hair metal era, but now all I listen to is the 70s stuff from the debut album through to the “Music From The Elder” atrocity.)   Slugfest to start, and Tatanka blows a bunch of stuff. Well, really he just blows, but I figured I might as well finish the sentence. (2012 Scott sez:  Hey now, I don’t mind Tatanka these days.)  The announcers talk about both men competing in the Rumble later on, which marked the first year that depletion of the roster due to the you-know-what trials forced multiple appearances for the talent on the Rumble card. Now it’s standard practice. (2012 Scott sez:  Now we’ve swung the other way in the post-WCW world, with so many people on the roster that they’ve talked about doing separate RAW and Smackdown Rumbles at times.)  It was a pretty big thing at the time, however. Bearhuggery abounds here. Tatanka tries the Pissed Off Racial Stereotype Comeback, but takes an enzuigiri. Bigelow mocks him, but misses his goofy moonsault, and Tatanka finishes with a flying bodypress at 8:10. This was there. * – WWF tag team title match: The Quebecers v. Bret & Owen Hart. I really need a high quality MP3 of that theme song. RSPW was creaming themselves once the 123 X-Pac and Marty Jannetty won the tag titles on RAW, because we thought we’d get a ***** match out of the deal. Sadly, the match was never changed to that combo (it would have been a standard Harts-Quebecers tag match) and besides which, the Quebecers regained the belts in MSG a week later. Oh, by the way, the WWF Sledgehammer of Plot Committee would just like to remind everyone that EVERYTHING IS ABSOLUTELY FINE between the Harts, thank you very much. Harts double-team the champs to start. Odd moment: Vince McMahon accuses Dibiase of being a limelight hog for most of his career. I won’t even start on that one, because I’ll go on for 5 paragraphs. Champs stall for a bit after Bret gets about 10 two-counts to frustrate Jacques. Pierre cheapshots Bret and a brawl erupts. Cool spot: We do the “double whip, dosey-do” bit that sends Owen & Bret crashing into each other, but Bret immediately whips Owen into Pierre, which allows Owen to switch to a spear move in mid-air, then upon impact roll up Pierre for a two count. That is seriously damn cool. Note to Edge & Christian: Start doing shit like that more often. Leg lariat gets two for Owen. Side suplex gets two. Bret comes in but gets powerslammed into face-in-peril mode to begin the first heat segment of the match. Owen eventually gets a hot tag and suplexes everything in sight. Sharpshooter on Jacques, but another cheapshot breaks it, and we get heat segment #2, this time on Owen. Bret comes back in quickly, hitting the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM on Pierre. Johnny Polo (Raven) pulls down the ropes and Bret falls to the floor, hurting his knee. This begins heats segment #3, as the Quebecers work his knee and generally cheat like rabid weasels. (2012 Scott sez:  “rabid weasels”?!?) We work the countout tease for a bit, then Owen tosses Bret back in. The champs hurt the knee for a while and go for the cannonball finisher, but Bret moves…and won’t tag Owen. Instead, he tries the Sharpshooter on Pierre, but his own knee gives way, and the ref stops the match at 16:44. What a jerk. If I was Owen, I’d turn on him, too. Owen is rightfully pissed, and verbally abuses his poor brother while he rolls around on the mat clutching his knee. Bret fights his way to his feet (to applause), so Owen KICKS HIS LEG OUT OF HIS LEG! Don’t worry, I’ll explain the reference next paragraph. Big heel heat for Owen there. Great match, great angle that makes Bret an even bigger babyface and Owen a huge heel with one kick. **** – Toad Pedophile finds Owen in the locker room, allowing Owen to deliver his semi-famous “YOU’RE TOO DAMN SELFISH” interview, where he berates Bret for only thinking of himself, then stumbles over his big line: He was supposed to say “…and that’s why I kicked your leg out from under you!” but instead he ended up saying “…and that’s why I kicked your leg out of your…uh…leg.”, which sounded much lamer. For comparison, compare the tone of voice in Austin Powers when he says “Allow myself to…uh…introduce myself”. Same thing. – Intercontinental title match: Razor Ramon v. IRS. Jim Ross & Gorilla Monsoon take over for this match. Typical Mad-libbed “you stole my [item of value], so I’m gonna [violent verb] you” angle here, although the one the fans were really digging was the Shawn v. Razor one over the I-C title claim. It should be noted that Ramon is wearing his very macho powder blue tights tonight. Razor takes his trademark over-the-top bump to give control to IRS. Weird spot as IRS comes off the top and Ramon sticks his foot in the air, but IRS changes direction in mid-air and avoids it. Miscue there, I think. Ramon comes back with the usual. Ref is bumped, and heeeeeeeeeere’s Shawn. Lovetap with the bogus I-C title puts Ramon out, and IRS covers for the pin and the title at 10:44. And whereas that would be enough for a semi-clean win in most circumstances, Dave Hebner must have realized how lame IRS as a singles champion of any kind would be, because he rushes out to inform Joey Marella of the chicanery perpetrated by Shawn Michaels, and the match is restarted. Ramon gets the Edge and the pin (the real one) at 11:44. This was whatever, but on the upside it led to the ladder match at Wrestlemania X. ¾* – WWF title casket match: Yokozuna v. The Undertaker. And yes, this is THAT match. And if you’re reading this and wondering “What does he mean by ‘THAT match’?”, well, obviously you’ve led a very sheltered life and have never heard of this match before, and are thus much more mentally stable than the rest of us poor bastards who had to watch it in 1994. I’d just like to point out, for the record, that all the free tapes from WCW, exposure from Wrestleline, money from Sean Shannon, and ass-kissing from fans STILL isn’t enough to justify the mental anguish that this match has caused millions of people and the suffering I have to go through in order to review it for you, the reader. But I guess a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. So please, before we begin, bear in mind that I am making NONE of this up, and everything I am about to describe actually happened, live on a PPV. This is not, just to clarify, an LSD hallucination gone wrong, or a dream sequence that ended with Pat Patterson waking up in the shower in the next morning. And please, for the love of god, put the kids to bed before you read this match review, or skip to the Royal Rumble match. I wouldn’t want any of them to read it and later become a booker with these kinds of ideas lodged in their heads. God knows there’s enough bad influences on TV these days without the added mental problems caused by watching Undertaker matches from 1994. (2012 Scott sez:  There actually are people working for WWE now who would have grown up watching this match and probably taken ideas from it.  THINK ABOUT THAT.)  Presenting the all-time champion of overbooking and general stupidity…Undertaker v. Yokozuna, part one. Onto the match.. – Undertaker gets a quick start, chasing Yoko to the floor. The brawl a bit. Then a bit more. Yoko gains the upper hand with the CEREMONIAL SALT OF DOOM and some weak chairshots. First casketing attempt goes to Yoko, but UT blocks and comes back. Belly-to-bellies ends that, but Taker does the zombie situp. Chokeslam follows, and a HUGE swinging DDT. Undertaker tries to finish, and you might want to skip ahead now, because it REALLY starts to suck. Crush blocks UT’s win attempt, and Taker fights him off. Now the Great Kabuki (as an agent of Mr. Fuji) tries his luck, along with Genichiro Tenryu. Taker fights them all off. Now Bam Bam comes down and it’s 4-on-1. Yoko awakes from his nap in the casket, so now it’s 5-on-1. Is the point hammered home yet? Of course not, so here’s Adam Bomb to make it 6-on-1. Throw in Jeff Jarrett for 7-on-1, then the Headshrinkers make it NINE-on-1, which is getting excessive even by ECW standards. Diesel joins us last (lazy bastard) for an even 10-on-1, and they STILL, ten guys mind you, can’t get him into the damn coffin. So what would YOU do? Steal the urn of course, and dump the ashes out. Then, just when you thought it couldn’t get sillier, it does: Green smoke pours out of the urn and everyone acts all shocked. LET’S KICK IT UP A NOTCH (2012 Scott sez:  Emeril Lagasse reference there, kids.  I miss him in this age of Guy Fieri having 17 shows and imitators on the Food Network.)  – Vince deadpans, as the entire match (and indeed his promotion) falls apart in the ring: “It appears that the power of the urn is escaping, and with it the Undertaker’s powers”. I swear to god he actually said that without a trace of irony. That’s why I couldn’t be a wrestling announcer – I’d get fired for ripping stuff apart as soon as I saw how dumb an idea it was. Finally, after all that, they put the Undertaker down for good and shut the lid to give Yokozuna the win at 14:19, although the actual 1-on-1 match lasted all of 5 minutes. The crowd is left completely numbed and in shock by the ending. –**** (2012 Scott sez:  I only gave this negative four stars?  What would it have needed to be to earn five?)  – Suck it in, because we’re not done yet. The heels then lock the casket and wheel it to the dressing room, but it starts to smoke on the way down the aisle. A video of UT appears on the video wall (which the announcers naturally assume is a live feed of Undertaker inside his casket, thus indicating that Ocham’s Razor is a foreign concept to Vince McMahon, Jr.  (2012 Scott sez:  Hell of a name for a finisher, though.)  ). Undertaker, who is now “dying”, stops his decomposition long enough to give a speech. I was so touched that I transcribed it, because you all deserve to share my pain. I was gonna split it into individual haikus to really be a smart-ass, but it’s late, so here’s the Undertaker’s last words: – “ Be not proud, because the spirit of the Undertaker live within the souls of mankind, the eternal flame of life which cannot be extinguished, the origin of which cannot be explained. The answer lies in the everlasting spirit. Soon all mankind will witness the rebirth of the Undertaker. I will not rest in peace.” – Is that fucking deep or what? I feel like humming “Personal Jesus” right now. I wonder if Sid was watching this show and took interviewing notes or something? By the way, Mark Callaway wanted time off to spend with his wife, so Vince thought up this whole wonderful “sports entertainment” moment to explain his absence. Whatever happened to “he hurt his leg” or “he’s in jail” like in the good old days?  (2012 Scott sez:  Or now, he got suspended for a Wellness violation.)  – Oh, wait, sorry, I bet you thought this segment couldn’t get anymore stupid and offensive…FOOLISH MORTAL! I’ll break your spirit yet! The video wall image of the Undertaker goes to a reverse-color scheme, then starts to “rise” out of the video wall, to be replaced by Marty Jannetty dressed in an Undertaker costume, “levitating” to the ceiling (with wires clearly visible) while Vince earnestly sells the whole experience as a deep and meaningful spiritual experience. – Dear Federal Investigators: Obviously whoever conducted the investigation of Mr. Vincent K. McMahon on suspicion of drug distribution in 1994 and failed to get a conviction was either retarded or coked out of their mind, because if the above 30 minutes doesn’t conclusively prove that the entire booking team was on mind-altering substances of some form then the American legal system might as well pack it in now, because justice is not only blind, it’s stupid. Yours Truly, Scott Keith. P.S. If you do indeed fire your lead investigator, consider forwarding his resume to WCW, because even retarded and on mind-altering substances, he’s still one up on Russo & Ferrera at this point. – Royal Rumble: For those of you who haven’t sworn off wrestling entirely after the above, welcome back. Scott Steiner gets #1, Samu #2. Scott has his hair permed like my ex-girlfriend Karen, which is kind of creepy. Due to time constraints we’re going with 90 seconds instead of 2 minutes here. Rick Steiner gets #3, and the Steiners get rid of Samu quickly. Kwang (what’s the sound of 300 pounds of crap hitting the fan? KWANG!) is #4 and he sprays green mist at the Steiners and does some lethal martial arts. To put it in perspective, Kwang is of course that renowned martial artist Savio Vega. Owen Hart (and his big heel pop) are #5. The heels dominate. Owen does an innocuous tussle with Rick in the corner, and ends up fighting hard enough to knock Steiner out. Bart Gunn is #6. He peppers Owen with left hands, but Owen does his Butterbean impersonation and ignores them. (2012 Scott sez:  Poor Bart, punchline for all time.)  Diesel is #7, triggering a pretty famous sequence. Bart! Steiner! Owen! Kwang! Everyone takes a seat on the floor, and the crowd eats it up. Bob Backlund is #8, and there he goes out the other side. Fans chant “Diesel” as he waits for the next victim. It’s Billy Gunn at #9, and he’s out on his ass, man, about that many seconds later. (2012 Scott sez:  I’m kinda ON here.)  Virgil is #10, but not for long. The “Diesel” chants grow louder, and would keep growing louder until he got the WWF title in November of that year. Here’s your weird thought for the day: Kevin Nash was on the verge of being fired at that point, since he was getting no reaction and couldn’t work, and if the Rumble run hadn’t worked, he likely would have gone back to WCW and ended his career around 1995 doing the Vinnie Vegas gimmick for $500 a night, then retired. But it DID work, and he went on to three World titles, numerous tag titles, and a position as head booker of WCW. So if you were one of the fans who were chanting for him that night…GO TO HELL! It’s all YOUR fault that Kevin Nash booked all that crap last year. (2012 Scott sez:  Also, the people at the 2011 Rumble who gave him a big pop for his return, also go to hell.  That match at TLC is your fault, too.)  Randy Savage is #11, thus ending Diesel’s stream of jobbers. He holds his own until Jarrett comes in at #12. Vince’s summary of Jarrett’s motivation nearly makes me tear my hair out: “He wants to use the WWF as a stepping stone to stardom in Nashville”. How the hell is that supposed to draw heel heat for him? An evil COUNTRY SINGER? No wonder the WWF lost so much money. Crush is #13, and he’s on Savage like attractive women on anyone but Mark Madden. Crush and Savage brawl while Diesel rests. Lazy bastard. Heels double-team Savage. Doink is #14. That’d be Steve Lombardi here, I think. Crush presses Savage out of the match. Crush and Diesel fight for a minute, then realize Doink is an easier target. Bigleow is #15, so the heels kindly step out of the way and Bigelow javelins the clown out of the ring halfway down the aisle. That’s pretty decisive right there. Sick bump, too. Mabel is #16. Nothing like a big fat black man to liven up the match. Diesel gets flattened. “Sparky” Thurman Plugg makes his inauspicious WWF debut at #17, beginning an amazing 5 years of non-stop jobbing and humiliation, which would drive most sane people to quitting or suicide, but ol’ Sparky actually hung on and ended up becoming internet darling Hardcore Holly in 1999. (2012 Scott sez:  Boy THAT fortune sure reversed for him in a big way a couple of years later.)  So maybe there’s hope for Prince Iaukea yet.  (2012 Scott sez:  Nope, he’s long retired from the business as an active wrestler.) HBK is #18. Diesel goes after him, just because he can. Shawn ducks out of the way, and the rest of the pack attacks and dumps Diesel. He gets a standing ovation on the way out. Mo is #19. Greg Valentine is #20, subbing for someone. Talent pool is getting pretty weak here. Tatanka is #21, with freshly repainted face. More stuff going on than I can follow easily. This match needs an enema. The Great Kabuki is #22 and casts fear into everyone’s heart. Everyone gangs up on Mabel and dumps him. Lex Luger is #23 and I’m hoping for a big babyface run to clear the deadwood, but Kabuki is his only victim. (2012 Scott sez:  If you don’t even get the big babyface deadwood clearing spot, then you know they don’t have faith in you.)  Tenryu is #24. Out-of-context quote du jour from Dibiase: “He’s there to do a job, he’s not there to win”. Shawn does a bunch of teases on the ropes. Bastion Booger is #25, but doesn’t show up. Rick Martel is #26. More stuff going on. Bret Hart is #27, STILL selling that knee injury. Crowd pops HUGE for him. Fatu (Rikishi) is #28. About half the total population of the match is still in this thing, and that’s way too many. Crush is dumped by three guys. Marty Jannetty is #29, and he and Shawn go flying at each other like Artemis Gordon and James West with those collars on, and the crowd goes nuts because of it. Last man at #30: Adam Bomb. So our field looks like…wait a sec, there goes Sparky. So our field looks like Bomb, Michaels, Jannetty, Luger, Hart, Tenryu, Tatanka, Valentine, Martel, Mo, Fatu & Bigelow. Lots of aimless wandering for a few minutes, then I guess someone signals to go home, because we go fast and furious. Martel wrestles with Valentine in the corner, and Valentine accidentally slips off the ropes and is out. Martel gets backdropped out by Tatanka right after. Everyone dogpiles Adam Bomb and he’s gone. Bigelow tosses Tatanka. Bigelow charges the corner and Flair Flips down to the floor. Jannetty meets him down there. Luger sends Tenryu back to Japan, and we’re left with…the Final Four. – Final Four: Luger, Hart, Michaels, Fatu. Gee, I wonder who goes first? Bret and Shawn do a cool sequence and almost knock each other out. Fatu & Shawn get Luger to the apron, but he fights back in and kills everyone. Double-whip allows Luger and Bret to simultaneously eliminate both heels. Luger and Bret fight to the ropes and over, where both hit the floor at 55:25 to end the match. After a lengthy discussion and a little experimentation on the crowd by WWF bookers (announcing one guy as winner, then the other, to gauge reaction), both men are announced as “co-winners”. Later footage on WWF TV, and testimony from people in the front rows, would clearly reveal Luger to have hit the floor first. C’est la vie, it was still a decent Rumble. ***1/2 The Bottom Line: Steroid trials do funny things to a man, and causing him to book shows like this one is one such thing. The Undertaker angle led to the wonderful “fake Undertaker” saga later that year, while the Hart Family dispute led to a ***** match at WM10 and a renewal of Bret Hart’s career, one of many to come. I leave it as an exercise to the reader to decide which was more worth it in the long run. I’m torn on the recommendation – there’s a couple of great matches, but the Undertaker thing is like a cancer on the rest of the tape. And since the whole Owen-Bret thing was recapped numerous times before Wrestlemania that year, I’ll have to go recommendation to avoid on this show. (2012 Scott sez:  Onto the redone version from a couple of years ago, which I have nothing really to add to.) The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 1994 – I’m stuck with the Anthology DVD version, which at least has much better video quality than my original VHS dub, so blame that for any inconsistencies with the original review. At least that means the full PPV version and not the Coliseum edit. – Live from Providence, Rhode Island. – Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Ted Dibiase. This actually now makes more sense to me given the rotating color commentators on RAW after the departure of Bobby Heenan. Back in the day, it was totally random to me because I only got to watch Superstars. Tatanka v. Bam Bam Bigelow Originally scheduled to be Ludvig Borga here, but what turned out to be a career-ending injury removed him from the show. Slugfest to start and Bigelow dropkicks Tatanka into the corner, but misses a charge and gets powered down. Tatanka with a crossbody for two and he works the arm, then catches Bigelow with his head down for a DDT. To the top, but he whiffs on a cross body and Bammer takes over. Avalanche in the corner, but another try hits boot and Tatanka goes up again with a sunset flip off the top, blocked by Bam Bam’s ass. Tatanka tries to slug him down, but Bam Bam gets a jumping kick for two. Bigelow with the bearhug, but Tatanka is GOING NATIVE! Bigelow puts him down again with a shoulderblock, but another try results in a Tatanka powerslam for two. They both go for a crossbody and collide for the double KO, but it’s comeback time…until Bam Bam pulls out the enzuigiri, which again draws a big pop from the heel fans in the crowd. The Lunasault misses, however, and Tatanka goes up again with a crossbody for the pin at 8:12. Kind of an anticlimactic finish, but it was a fun match put together on short notice. ***1/2 WWF World tag team titles: The Quebecers v. The Hart Brothers The Quebecers were fresh off regaining the tag titles at MSG and the Harts were fresh off a ***** match against the Steiners for Coliseum video, so it was a good week for both. Pierre gets a quick slam on Bret, but runs into a knee. Owen comes in and hiptosses Pierre into a slam for two. A sign at ringside declares “Yokozuna RIP” which unfortunately proved clairvoyant. Jacques comes in to slow things down, but Owen suplexes him and dropkicks him back to his own corner again. Another try, and this time Owen gets the enzuigiri for two. The Harts get a Demolition elbow for two. Bret with a small package for two. Sunset flip gets two. Rollup gets two, but Pierre nails Bret and it’s BONZO GONZO. The Quebecers try to whip the babyfaces into each other, but Owen catapults himself into a rollup on Jacques for two instead. Very nice. The champs bail for some advice from Johnny Polo (“Always insist on cash from Paul Heyman.”), and back in Owen gets a leg lariat on Pierre for two. Overhead suplex gets two. Legdrop gets two. It’s awesome seeing the Harts able to cut loose for once, as Jacques was able to keep up with whatever crazy stuff they could come up with. Bret comes in and walks into a Pierre powerslam for two, and Jacques allows some choking in the corner. Quebecers double-team Bret with an elbow and Pierre pounds on him in the corner, and it’s more quality cheating while hotheaded Owen tries to come in. Pierre comes off the middle rope and lands on Bret’s foot, and it’s hot tag Owen. Backdrop for Jacques, belly to belly suplex for Pierre, and he goes to finish Jacques with the Sharpshooter, but Pierre bulldogs him behind the ref’s back to break. And so Owen is your face-in-peril. They drop him on the top rope for two, but Owen quickly tags Bret back in and he fights off both Quebecers alone. Backbreaker and legsweep for Jacques and noggins are knocked, then he gets rid of Pierre and looks to finish…but Johnny Polo pulls down the top rope and Bret blows out his knee on the way down. The Quebecers swarm in and work over the knee outside until Owen chases them off. Back in, Jacques beats the hell out of the knee and goes to a Boston crab, while the announcers implore Bret to go over and make the tag. The Quebecers switch off on the knee and Vince declares that it’s not skill, it’s HOOLIGANISM. They should have marketed a Vince McMahon Word Of The Day Calendar. Bret tries a Sharpshooter on Pierre, but can’t complete the move, and the ref stops the match at 16:48. Who is he, Steve Mazzagatti? Terrible finish, but a great match up until the storyline took over. **** Speaking of storylines, Owen berates his brother for not tagging, and then KICKS THE LEG FROM UNDER HIS LEG. You know, it’s funny, because years later that would be the least horrific thing that members of that family would do to each other. At least Bret didn’t sue for that or write a tell-all book about it. Meanwhile, Owen cuts a promo from backstage, telling Bret that he’s TOO SELFISH and coins the “kicked the leg from under your leg” phrase that people mocked him about for years afterwards. Owen and a live mic used to be a risky proposition. WWF Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. IRS IRS has stolen the gold from around Ramon’s neck to give this some minimal backstory, and Razor slugs him down and chases him out of the ring to start. Back in for an atomic drop, but they head out and Irwin sends him into the stairs. Back in for a quick chinlock and IRS legdrops him low, then drops an elbow for two. Back to the chinlock, but Razor fights out and slugs him down, then gets the blockbuster slam for two. And tragically, the ref is bumped, allowing IRS to grab the briefcase. Razor gets it away and puts IRS down for the pin, but of course there’s no ref. So Ramon puts him on the top rope for a backdrop superplex and sets up for the Razor’s Edge, but Shawn Michaels runs in and clobbers him with the belt, which gives IRS the pin and the title at 9:43?! Luckily, Earl Hebner runs out and demands the match be restarted, because if there’s one thing he won’t stand for, it’s injustice in a title match when Shawn Michaels is involved! Ramon hits the Edge in all the confusion and pins IRS to retain. Whew. Just kind of a junky RAW match. ** But hey, if this is the worst match tonight, it’ll still be an easy thumbs up, right? WWF World title, casket match: Yokozuna v. Undertaker Hang on, I need two Red Bulls and a bag of mushrooms to properly deal with this first. … Well, all I had was canned mushrooms, so that’ll have to do. You know, thinking about Undertaker during this period, he really got stuck with the shittiest series of feuds that you could possibly think up. He had two PPVs against Giant Gonzalez with a house show feud against Mr. Hughes sandwiched in the middle, then got to face Yokozuna in this legendarily horrible match, then had to face himself at Summerslam. No wonder he had no incentive to get better. Anyway, Taker gets a flying clothesline and they fight to the floor, and Taker quickly no-sells everything and heads back in for the ropewalk. Back to the floor, UT beats on him with a chair, and Ted Dibiase notes that it’s going to get a lot more brutal. Indeed. Yoko comes back with a handful of salt and they head back in, where Yoko gets a clothesline and tries to roll him into the casket. Taker awakens and comes back for the slugfest, but Yoko puts him down with a belly to belly suplex. Taker no-sells it and gets a pretty decent chokeslam and follows with a DDT, and at this point it’s a pretty decent match. BUT IT GETS WORSE. So into the casket goes Yokozuna, but Crush runs out and attacks, preventing the finish. Taker gets rid of him, but now the Great Kabuki of all people comes in, followed by Tenryu. Yes, they have fucking GENICHIRO TENRYU booked for the show and this is what they use him for. And now Bam Bam Bigelow, as far more troubling is Yokozuna still unconscious in the casket after a single DDT two minutes previously. But now it REALLY gets silly, as Paul Bearer uses the power of the urn to inspire Undertaker to fight off four guys at once, so Jeff Jarrett and Adam Bomb now join the shitstorm. Oh, and the Headshrinkers. At least it makes sense for THEM to assist Yokozuna. Luckily, Yoko has now recovered from that devastating DDT and is walking around again. And the last man in is Diesel, and with 11 guys helping they STILL can’t close the damn casket lid. BUT IT GETS WORSE. The horde takes out Paul Bearer and steals the urn, which causes (and I’m very embarrassed as a wrestling fan to type this) green smoke to flood out of it, presumably the spirits of Undertaker’s dead parents. So that, finally, is enough to get him in the casket and close the lid at 14:18. And you’re thinking OK, that was a horrible finish and an embarrassment to anyone who’s not Vince Russo or Ed Ferrera, but they can’t possibly sink lower, can they? BUT IT GETS WORSE. So while the heels celebrate the presumably dead body of Undertaker, the lights go out and we somehow get a camera shot from inside the casket, where Undertaker CUTS A PROMO FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. And you thought HHH was bad. Do any of the heels open up the casket and punch him in the mouth at this point? Of course not, they all stare blankly at the video wall while Undertaker delivers a dramatic soliloquy and then rises to the ceiling. Not a dream, not an imaginary story. I paid MONEY to watch this PPV in 1994 and then continued as a wrestling fan afterwards. If ever a match deserved the full negative monty, this is undoubtedly it. -***** Worst of all, none of this went anywhere until November, as you’d think it would set up Undertaker’s Kill Bill rampage of revenge, but instead he just took months off. AND THIS WASN’T EVEN THE STUPIDEST FINISH ON THIS SHOW! On the bright side, it was still better than the January 4 Impact. Royal Rumble: Scott Steiner is #1 and Samu is #2. Steiner tosses Samu around and gets a butterfly bomb, but can’t muscle him over the top. Samu comes back with a clothesline and we’re doing 90 second intervals this year, as Rick Steiner is #3. The Steiners double-team Samu, as you’d expect, and suplex the crap out of him, but make no serious effort to get rid of him. Samu misses a charge and hangs himself in the ropes anyway, and he’s gone at 3:22. KWANG is #4 and he uses his MARTIAL ARTS on Scott and blows mist in Rick’s face, but Scott suplexes him anyway. Owen Hart is #5 to a big heel reaction and he immediately goes after the blinded Rick Steiner and puts him out at 5:50. Good for you, Owen! Bart Gunn is #6 and he goes after Owen, with no luck. Diesel is #7 and he hits everyone indiscriminately. Diesel dumps Bart at 8:57, then Scott at 9:00, then Owen at 9:09. Kwang tries to stop him and gets tossed at 9:25. DIESEL POWER begins here. Mr. Bob Backlund is #8 and nearly gets Big Kev out with a double leg, but leverage isn’t on his side. Diesel gets him out at 10:20 to clear the ring. No wonder he got over. Billy Gunn is #9 and he quickly runs into a boot and he’s gone at 11:25. And now the crowd is firmly behind Diesel. But wait! This gives us a chance to watch footage of the Japanese contingent attacking Lex Luger in the locker room. That’s a shame. Virgil is #10 and I’m not giving him much of a shot. Diesel misses a charge and Virgil uses his fisticuffs, but Diesel gets rid of him at 13:19. Dibiase takes particular delight in that, a nice touch. And now Macho Man is #11 and that’s gonna be it for the big run. Savage pounds away on Kev and throws elbows in the corner, and Jeff Jarrett is #12. He clotheslines Savage out, but Macho skins the cat to hang on and then sends Jarrett back to the dressing room at 17:14. Crush is #13 and that’s trouble for Savage. Savage elbows him down and goes up with the double axehandle, then goes after Diesel as well and loses the battle. The heels double-team him and Doink is #14. Savage is out at 19:10 during Doink’s entrance, leaving the heels to pound on each other while Doink laughs at them. That gets him a beatdown, and Bam Bam Bigelow is #15. Crush & Diesel give Bam Bam free reign to assault Doink, so he sends him into the aisle at 21:14 with a Spike Dudley toss. Nice. The heels all turn on each other, and Mabel is #16. He hits Diesel with an Avalanche, then Bigelow, and SPARKY PLUGG is #17. Now we’re getting into the SERIOUS contenders. People do the “lay on the ropes and pretend to get each other out” thing to burn some time, until Shawn Michaels at #18. Interesting to think that he would go on to win the next two in the row. Everyone decides to go after Diesel, and he’s gone at 25:59. He’d have better days ahead of him. So with the crowd favorite gone, Mo is #19. There’s way too many people with purple tights in there. Bless the 90s. Shawn teases some eliminations and Greg Valentine is #20. Forgot about that one. He goes after Bigelow as deadwood is starting to accumulate. Tatanka is #21 and he beats on Shawn, but Mabel actually holds Tatanka so that Shawn can get some shots in. Shawn turns on him anyway. Kabuki is #22, but don’t union rules say we can only have one mist-spewing Asian per match? Everyone decides to gang up on Mabel and dumps him at 32:32. Probably wise. Lex Luger is #23 and hopefully he’ll clear the ring for AMERICA. Kabuki goes back to Japania at 33:40! And that’s his whole babyface rampage, as Crush attacks him to stop the madness. Tenryu is #24 and he chops Luger right away, and they’re pretty awesome chops. He’s earned his money. #25 no-shows, and Vince is sure it was Bret Hart’s spot, although I believe later it was revealed to be Bastion Booger’s spot. So we continue on and Rick Martel is #26. Luger and Tatanka slug it out in an interesting bit of foreshadowing, and otherwise nothing is going on until Bret Hart is #27, still selling the leg injury from earlier. And the crowd goes nuts for him, especially with the limp. Crush immediately goes for the knee, aided by Tenryu. Fatu is #28 and there’s way too many guys, as the last elimination was more than 10 minutes ago. And Crush gets pounded out by Luger at 42:38. Marty Jannetty is #29, and it’s gung ho against Shawn Michaels to a big pop, as they trade like Frye and Takayama, but gayer. They exchange superkicks, but Marty can’t suplex Shawn out. And finally, Adam Bomb is #30. Bret dumps Plugg at 45:21 to end the dream of Bob Holly in a Wrestlemania main event, and Tenryu is still chopping the shit out of everyone. Doesn’t he know that the object of a battle royale is to lay around on the ropes and crack jokes? Someone teach this guy how to work. Things slow right down with everyone in, and no one can still get Shawn out. Martel finally gets Valentine out at 49:19, and Tatanka dumps Martel at 49:39. Bomb charges Lex and hits the floor at 49:50. Finally, someone gave the “go home” signal. Tatanka goes out at 50:18 off-screen. Shawn and Marty continue their private war, and Bam Bam bumps out at 51:05 following a Luger forearm. Shawn gets rid of Marty at 51:14 for the moral victory, and holy cow Tenryu is still there. Cute spot as he runs Shawn and Fatu’s heads together, but only Shawn sells it. Tenryu just chops the shit out of Luger again, but Bret and Lex team up and dump Tenryu at 52:29. Final Four: Bret Hart, Lex Luger, Fatu, and Shawn Michaels. Bret and Shawn battle on the ropes as Fatu superkicks Lex off my favorite headbutt no-sell spot. The heels put Luger on the apron, but he fights them off and makes the superhero comeback. And the faces backdrop the heels out at 54:49 simultaneously, giving us Bret v. Lex. And they fight to the ropes, and both are out at 55:08 for the most retarded Royal Rumble finish until 1999. Replays clearly show that Luger hit the floor first, but Bret got the last laugh anyway. I should also note that the crowd reaction to Bret’s fake win is MASSIVE compared to Luger’s. A very entertaining Rumble for about the first 40 minutes, then it got clogged up and died off bigtime, leading to the worst Rumble finish ever up until that point. ***1/2 The Pulse: It’s kinda sorta good if you can ignore the glaring spot in the middle surrounding the casket match, but it’s not an all-time classic or anything. Mild recommendation to avoid overall.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 94 – Live from Providence, Rhode Island. Is that the state or Dusty while he’s swimming? – Your hosts are Ted Dibiase (the Million Dollar Man) and Vince McMahon (The Billion Dollar Man). Triviata: Ted Dibiase is the only color man to have done a PPV with both Vince McMahon AND Eric Bischoff (this show and Souled Out 97 respectively), although I don’t know if the same applies to TV broadcasts. If you add TV broadcasts, you can add Bobby Heenan to that list.– Opening match: Tatanka v. Bam Bam Bigelow. This was supposed to be Tatanka v. Ludvig Borga, but ol’ Tony had an ankle injury that ended up changing the course of the WWF. Ludvig was supposed to win this match, using it as a stepping stone to the World title a couple of weeks after, then losing it to Lex Luger at Wrestlemania X. Of course, things turned out much differently. (2012 Scott sez:  This is of course a very dubious proposition spread mostly by Tony Halme himself.)  Tatanka is painted like Peter Criss tonight. You know what’s sad? I made that joke in 1994 and no one got it. Now suddenly KISS makes a comeback and the reference isn’t half as witty as it was. I wonder if Dennis Miller has these kinds of problems. (2012 Scott sez:  I’m totally into old KISS these days.  I actually got into them in the 80s listening to their non-makeup hair metal era, but now all I listen to is the 70s stuff from the debut album through to the “Music From The Elder” atrocity.)   Slugfest to start, and Tatanka blows a bunch of stuff. Well, really he just blows, but I figured I might as well finish the sentence. (2012 Scott sez:  Hey now, I don’t mind Tatanka these days.)  The announcers talk about both men competing in the Rumble later on, which marked the first year that depletion of the roster due to the you-know-what trials forced multiple appearances for the talent on the Rumble card. Now it’s standard practice. (2012 Scott sez:  Now we’ve swung the other way in the post-WCW world, with so many people on the roster that they’ve talked about doing separate RAW and Smackdown Rumbles at times.)  It was a pretty big thing at the time, however. Bearhuggery abounds here. Tatanka tries the Pissed Off Racial Stereotype Comeback, but takes an enzuigiri. Bigelow mocks him, but misses his goofy moonsault, and Tatanka finishes with a flying bodypress at 8:10. This was there. * – WWF tag team title match: The Quebecers v. Bret & Owen Hart. I really need a high quality MP3 of that theme song. RSPW was creaming themselves once the 123 X-Pac and Marty Jannetty won the tag titles on RAW, because we thought we’d get a ***** match out of the deal. Sadly, the match was never changed to that combo (it would have been a standard Harts-Quebecers tag match) and besides which, the Quebecers regained the belts in MSG a week later. Oh, by the way, the WWF Sledgehammer of Plot Committee would just like to remind everyone that EVERYTHING IS ABSOLUTELY FINE between the Harts, thank you very much. Harts double-team the champs to start. Odd moment: Vince McMahon accuses Dibiase of being a limelight hog for most of his career. I won’t even start on that one, because I’ll go on for 5 paragraphs. Champs stall for a bit after Bret gets about 10 two-counts to frustrate Jacques. Pierre cheapshots Bret and a brawl erupts. Cool spot: We do the “double whip, dosey-do” bit that sends Owen & Bret crashing into each other, but Bret immediately whips Owen into Pierre, which allows Owen to switch to a spear move in mid-air, then upon impact roll up Pierre for a two count. That is seriously damn cool. Note to Edge & Christian: Start doing shit like that more often. Leg lariat gets two for Owen. Side suplex gets two. Bret comes in but gets powerslammed into face-in-peril mode to begin the first heat segment of the match. Owen eventually gets a hot tag and suplexes everything in sight. Sharpshooter on Jacques, but another cheapshot breaks it, and we get heat segment #2, this time on Owen. Bret comes back in quickly, hitting the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM on Pierre. Johnny Polo (Raven) pulls down the ropes and Bret falls to the floor, hurting his knee. This begins heats segment #3, as the Quebecers work his knee and generally cheat like rabid weasels. (2012 Scott sez:  “rabid weasels”?!?) We work the countout tease for a bit, then Owen tosses Bret back in. The champs hurt the knee for a while and go for the cannonball finisher, but Bret moves…and won’t tag Owen. Instead, he tries the Sharpshooter on Pierre, but his own knee gives way, and the ref stops the match at 16:44. What a jerk. If I was Owen, I’d turn on him, too. Owen is rightfully pissed, and verbally abuses his poor brother while he rolls around on the mat clutching his knee. Bret fights his way to his feet (to applause), so Owen KICKS HIS LEG OUT OF HIS LEG! Don’t worry, I’ll explain the reference next paragraph. Big heel heat for Owen there. Great match, great angle that makes Bret an even bigger babyface and Owen a huge heel with one kick. **** – Toad Pedophile finds Owen in the locker room, allowing Owen to deliver his semi-famous “YOU’RE TOO DAMN SELFISH” interview, where he berates Bret for only thinking of himself, then stumbles over his big line: He was supposed to say “…and that’s why I kicked your leg out from under you!” but instead he ended up saying “…and that’s why I kicked your leg out of your…uh…leg.”, which sounded much lamer. For comparison, compare the tone of voice in Austin Powers when he says “Allow myself to…uh…introduce myself”. Same thing. – Intercontinental title match: Razor Ramon v. IRS. Jim Ross & Gorilla Monsoon take over for this match. Typical Mad-libbed “you stole my [item of value], so I’m gonna [violent verb] you” angle here, although the one the fans were really digging was the Shawn v. Razor one over the I-C title claim. It should be noted that Ramon is wearing his very macho powder blue tights tonight. Razor takes his trademark over-the-top bump to give control to IRS. Weird spot as IRS comes off the top and Ramon sticks his foot in the air, but IRS changes direction in mid-air and avoids it. Miscue there, I think. Ramon comes back with the usual. Ref is bumped, and heeeeeeeeeere’s Shawn. Lovetap with the bogus I-C title puts Ramon out, and IRS covers for the pin and the title at 10:44. And whereas that would be enough for a semi-clean win in most circumstances, Dave Hebner must have realized how lame IRS as a singles champion of any kind would be, because he rushes out to inform Joey Marella of the chicanery perpetrated by Shawn Michaels, and the match is restarted. Ramon gets the Edge and the pin (the real one) at 11:44. This was whatever, but on the upside it led to the ladder match at Wrestlemania X. ¾* – WWF title casket match: Yokozuna v. The Undertaker. And yes, this is THAT match. And if you’re reading this and wondering “What does he mean by ‘THAT match’?”, well, obviously you’ve led a very sheltered life and have never heard of this match before, and are thus much more mentally stable than the rest of us poor bastards who had to watch it in 1994. I’d just like to point out, for the record, that all the free tapes from WCW, exposure from Wrestleline, money from Sean Shannon, and ass-kissing from fans STILL isn’t enough to justify the mental anguish that this match has caused millions of people and the suffering I have to go through in order to review it for you, the reader. But I guess a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. So please, before we begin, bear in mind that I am making NONE of this up, and everything I am about to describe actually happened, live on a PPV. This is not, just to clarify, an LSD hallucination gone wrong, or a dream sequence that ended with Pat Patterson waking up in the shower in the next morning. And please, for the love of god, put the kids to bed before you read this match review, or skip to the Royal Rumble match. I wouldn’t want any of them to read it and later become a booker with these kinds of ideas lodged in their heads. God knows there’s enough bad influences on TV these days without the added mental problems caused by watching Undertaker matches from 1994. (2012 Scott sez:  There actually are people working for WWE now who would have grown up watching this match and probably taken ideas from it.  THINK ABOUT THAT.)  Presenting the all-time champion of overbooking and general stupidity…Undertaker v. Yokozuna, part one. Onto the match.. – Undertaker gets a quick start, chasing Yoko to the floor. The brawl a bit. Then a bit more. Yoko gains the upper hand with the CEREMONIAL SALT OF DOOM and some weak chairshots. First casketing attempt goes to Yoko, but UT blocks and comes back. Belly-to-bellies ends that, but Taker does the zombie situp. Chokeslam follows, and a HUGE swinging DDT. Undertaker tries to finish, and you might want to skip ahead now, because it REALLY starts to suck. Crush blocks UT’s win attempt, and Taker fights him off. Now the Great Kabuki (as an agent of Mr. Fuji) tries his luck, along with Genichiro Tenryu. Taker fights them all off. Now Bam Bam comes down and it’s 4-on-1. Yoko awakes from his nap in the casket, so now it’s 5-on-1. Is the point hammered home yet? Of course not, so here’s Adam Bomb to make it 6-on-1. Throw in Jeff Jarrett for 7-on-1, then the Headshrinkers make it NINE-on-1, which is getting excessive even by ECW standards. Diesel joins us last (lazy bastard) for an even 10-on-1, and they STILL, ten guys mind you, can’t get him into the damn coffin. So what would YOU do? Steal the urn of course, and dump the ashes out. Then, just when you thought it couldn’t get sillier, it does: Green smoke pours out of the urn and everyone acts all shocked. LET’S KICK IT UP A NOTCH (2012 Scott sez:  Emeril Lagasse reference there, kids.  I miss him in this age of Guy Fieri having 17 shows and imitators on the Food Network.)  – Vince deadpans, as the entire match (and indeed his promotion) falls apart in the ring: “It appears that the power of the urn is escaping, and with it the Undertaker’s powers”. I swear to god he actually said that without a trace of irony. That’s why I couldn’t be a wrestling announcer – I’d get fired for ripping stuff apart as soon as I saw how dumb an idea it was. Finally, after all that, they put the Undertaker down for good and shut the lid to give Yokozuna the win at 14:19, although the actual 1-on-1 match lasted all of 5 minutes. The crowd is left completely numbed and in shock by the ending. –**** (2012 Scott sez:  I only gave this negative four stars?  What would it have needed to be to earn five?)  – Suck it in, because we’re not done yet. The heels then lock the casket and wheel it to the dressing room, but it starts to smoke on the way down the aisle. A video of UT appears on the video wall (which the announcers naturally assume is a live feed of Undertaker inside his casket, thus indicating that Ocham’s Razor is a foreign concept to Vince McMahon, Jr.  (2012 Scott sez:  Hell of a name for a finisher, though.)  ). Undertaker, who is now “dying”, stops his decomposition long enough to give a speech. I was so touched that I transcribed it, because you all deserve to share my pain. I was gonna split it into individual haikus to really be a smart-ass, but it’s late, so here’s the Undertaker’s last words: – “ Be not proud, because the spirit of the Undertaker live within the souls of mankind, the eternal flame of life which cannot be extinguished, the origin of which cannot be explained. The answer lies in the everlasting spirit. Soon all mankind will witness the rebirth of the Undertaker. I will not rest in peace.” – Is that fucking deep or what? I feel like humming “Personal Jesus” right now. I wonder if Sid was watching this show and took interviewing notes or something? By the way, Mark Callaway wanted time off to spend with his wife, so Vince thought up this whole wonderful “sports entertainment” moment to explain his absence. Whatever happened to “he hurt his leg” or “he’s in jail” like in the good old days?  (2012 Scott sez:  Or now, he got suspended for a Wellness violation.)  – Oh, wait, sorry, I bet you thought this segment couldn’t get anymore stupid and offensive…FOOLISH MORTAL! I’ll break your spirit yet! The video wall image of the Undertaker goes to a reverse-color scheme, then starts to “rise” out of the video wall, to be replaced by Marty Jannetty dressed in an Undertaker costume, “levitating” to the ceiling (with wires clearly visible) while Vince earnestly sells the whole experience as a deep and meaningful spiritual experience. – Dear Federal Investigators: Obviously whoever conducted the investigation of Mr. Vincent K. McMahon on suspicion of drug distribution in 1994 and failed to get a conviction was either retarded or coked out of their mind, because if the above 30 minutes doesn’t conclusively prove that the entire booking team was on mind-altering substances of some form then the American legal system might as well pack it in now, because justice is not only blind, it’s stupid. Yours Truly, Scott Keith. P.S. If you do indeed fire your lead investigator, consider forwarding his resume to WCW, because even retarded and on mind-altering substances, he’s still one up on Russo & Ferrera at this point. – Royal Rumble: For those of you who haven’t sworn off wrestling entirely after the above, welcome back. Scott Steiner gets #1, Samu #2. Scott has his hair permed like my ex-girlfriend Karen, which is kind of creepy. Due to time constraints we’re going with 90 seconds instead of 2 minutes here. Rick Steiner gets #3, and the Steiners get rid of Samu quickly. Kwang (what’s the sound of 300 pounds of crap hitting the fan? KWANG!) is #4 and he sprays green mist at the Steiners and does some lethal martial arts. To put it in perspective, Kwang is of course that renowned martial artist Savio Vega. Owen Hart (and his big heel pop) are #5. The heels dominate. Owen does an innocuous tussle with Rick in the corner, and ends up fighting hard enough to knock Steiner out. Bart Gunn is #6. He peppers Owen with left hands, but Owen does his Butterbean impersonation and ignores them. (2012 Scott sez:  Poor Bart, punchline for all time.)  Diesel is #7, triggering a pretty famous sequence. Bart! Steiner! Owen! Kwang! Everyone takes a seat on the floor, and the crowd eats it up. Bob Backlund is #8, and there he goes out the other side. Fans chant “Diesel” as he waits for the next victim. It’s Billy Gunn at #9, and he’s out on his ass, man, about that many seconds later. (2012 Scott sez:  I’m kinda ON here.)  Virgil is #10, but not for long. The “Diesel” chants grow louder, and would keep growing louder until he got the WWF title in November of that year. Here’s your weird thought for the day: Kevin Nash was on the verge of being fired at that point, since he was getting no reaction and couldn’t work, and if the Rumble run hadn’t worked, he likely would have gone back to WCW and ended his career around 1995 doing the Vinnie Vegas gimmick for $500 a night, then retired. But it DID work, and he went on to three World titles, numerous tag titles, and a position as head booker of WCW. So if you were one of the fans who were chanting for him that night…GO TO HELL! It’s all YOUR fault that Kevin Nash booked all that crap last year. (2012 Scott sez:  Also, the people at the 2011 Rumble who gave him a big pop for his return, also go to hell.  That match at TLC is your fault, too.)  Randy Savage is #11, thus ending Diesel’s stream of jobbers. He holds his own until Jarrett comes in at #12. Vince’s summary of Jarrett’s motivation nearly makes me tear my hair out: “He wants to use the WWF as a stepping stone to stardom in Nashville”. How the hell is that supposed to draw heel heat for him? An evil COUNTRY SINGER? No wonder the WWF lost so much money. Crush is #13, and he’s on Savage like attractive women on anyone but Mark Madden. Crush and Savage brawl while Diesel rests. Lazy bastard. Heels double-team Savage. Doink is #14. That’d be Steve Lombardi here, I think. Crush presses Savage out of the match. Crush and Diesel fight for a minute, then realize Doink is an easier target. Bigleow is #15, so the heels kindly step out of the way and Bigelow javelins the clown out of the ring halfway down the aisle. That’s pretty decisive right there. Sick bump, too. Mabel is #16. Nothing like a big fat black man to liven up the match. Diesel gets flattened. “Sparky” Thurman Plugg makes his inauspicious WWF debut at #17, beginning an amazing 5 years of non-stop jobbing and humiliation, which would drive most sane people to quitting or suicide, but ol’ Sparky actually hung on and ended up becoming internet darling Hardcore Holly in 1999. (2012 Scott sez:  Boy THAT fortune sure reversed for him in a big way a couple of years later.)  So maybe there’s hope for Prince Iaukea yet.  (2012 Scott sez:  Nope, he’s long retired from the business as an active wrestler.) HBK is #18. Diesel goes after him, just because he can. Shawn ducks out of the way, and the rest of the pack attacks and dumps Diesel. He gets a standing ovation on the way out. Mo is #19. Greg Valentine is #20, subbing for someone. Talent pool is getting pretty weak here. Tatanka is #21, with freshly repainted face. More stuff going on than I can follow easily. This match needs an enema. The Great Kabuki is #22 and casts fear into everyone’s heart. Everyone gangs up on Mabel and dumps him. Lex Luger is #23 and I’m hoping for a big babyface run to clear the deadwood, but Kabuki is his only victim. (2012 Scott sez:  If you don’t even get the big babyface deadwood clearing spot, then you know they don’t have faith in you.)  Tenryu is #24. Out-of-context quote du jour from Dibiase: “He’s there to do a job, he’s not there to win”. Shawn does a bunch of teases on the ropes. Bastion Booger is #25, but doesn’t show up. Rick Martel is #26. More stuff going on. Bret Hart is #27, STILL selling that knee injury. Crowd pops HUGE for him. Fatu (Rikishi) is #28. About half the total population of the match is still in this thing, and that’s way too many. Crush is dumped by three guys. Marty Jannetty is #29, and he and Shawn go flying at each other like Artemis Gordon and James West with those collars on, and the crowd goes nuts because of it. Last man at #30: Adam Bomb. So our field looks like…wait a sec, there goes Sparky. So our field looks like Bomb, Michaels, Jannetty, Luger, Hart, Tenryu, Tatanka, Valentine, Martel, Mo, Fatu & Bigelow. Lots of aimless wandering for a few minutes, then I guess someone signals to go home, because we go fast and furious. Martel wrestles with Valentine in the corner, and Valentine accidentally slips off the ropes and is out. Martel gets backdropped out by Tatanka right after. Everyone dogpiles Adam Bomb and he’s gone. Bigelow tosses Tatanka. Bigelow charges the corner and Flair Flips down to the floor. Jannetty meets him down there. Luger sends Tenryu back to Japan, and we’re left with…the Final Four. – Final Four: Luger, Hart, Michaels, Fatu. Gee, I wonder who goes first? Bret and Shawn do a cool sequence and almost knock each other out. Fatu & Shawn get Luger to the apron, but he fights back in and kills everyone. Double-whip allows Luger and Bret to simultaneously eliminate both heels. Luger and Bret fight to the ropes and over, where both hit the floor at 55:25 to end the match. After a lengthy discussion and a little experimentation on the crowd by WWF bookers (announcing one guy as winner, then the other, to gauge reaction), both men are announced as “co-winners”. Later footage on WWF TV, and testimony from people in the front rows, would clearly reveal Luger to have hit the floor first. C’est la vie, it was still a decent Rumble. ***1/2 The Bottom Line: Steroid trials do funny things to a man, and causing him to book shows like this one is one such thing. The Undertaker angle led to the wonderful “fake Undertaker” saga later that year, while the Hart Family dispute led to a ***** match at WM10 and a renewal of Bret Hart’s career, one of many to come. I leave it as an exercise to the reader to decide which was more worth it in the long run. I’m torn on the recommendation – there’s a couple of great matches, but the Undertaker thing is like a cancer on the rest of the tape. And since the whole Owen-Bret thing was recapped numerous times before Wrestlemania that year, I’ll have to go recommendation to avoid on this show. (2012 Scott sez:  Onto the redone version from a couple of years ago, which I have nothing really to add to.) The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 1994 – I’m stuck with the Anthology DVD version, which at least has much better video quality than my original VHS dub, so blame that for any inconsistencies with the original review. At least that means the full PPV version and not the Coliseum edit. – Live from Providence, Rhode Island. – Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Ted Dibiase. This actually now makes more sense to me given the rotating color commentators on RAW after the departure of Bobby Heenan. Back in the day, it was totally random to me because I only got to watch Superstars. Tatanka v. Bam Bam Bigelow Originally scheduled to be Ludvig Borga here, but what turned out to be a career-ending injury removed him from the show. Slugfest to start and Bigelow dropkicks Tatanka into the corner, but misses a charge and gets powered down. Tatanka with a crossbody for two and he works the arm, then catches Bigelow with his head down for a DDT. To the top, but he whiffs on a cross body and Bammer takes over. Avalanche in the corner, but another try hits boot and Tatanka goes up again with a sunset flip off the top, blocked by Bam Bam’s ass. Tatanka tries to slug him down, but Bam Bam gets a jumping kick for two. Bigelow with the bearhug, but Tatanka is GOING NATIVE! Bigelow puts him down again with a shoulderblock, but another try results in a Tatanka powerslam for two. They both go for a crossbody and collide for the double KO, but it’s comeback time…until Bam Bam pulls out the enzuigiri, which again draws a big pop from the heel fans in the crowd. The Lunasault misses, however, and Tatanka goes up again with a crossbody for the pin at 8:12. Kind of an anticlimactic finish, but it was a fun match put together on short notice. ***1/2 WWF World tag team titles: The Quebecers v. The Hart Brothers The Quebecers were fresh off regaining the tag titles at MSG and the Harts were fresh off a ***** match against the Steiners for Coliseum video, so it was a good week for both. Pierre gets a quick slam on Bret, but runs into a knee. Owen comes in and hiptosses Pierre into a slam for two. A sign at ringside declares “Yokozuna RIP” which unfortunately proved clairvoyant. Jacques comes in to slow things down, but Owen suplexes him and dropkicks him back to his own corner again. Another try, and this time Owen gets the enzuigiri for two. The Harts get a Demolition elbow for two. Bret with a small package for two. Sunset flip gets two. Rollup gets two, but Pierre nails Bret and it’s BONZO GONZO. The Quebecers try to whip the babyfaces into each other, but Owen catapults himself into a rollup on Jacques for two instead. Very nice. The champs bail for some advice from Johnny Polo (“Always insist on cash from Paul Heyman.”), and back in Owen gets a leg lariat on Pierre for two. Overhead suplex gets two. Legdrop gets two. It’s awesome seeing the Harts able to cut loose for once, as Jacques was able to keep up with whatever crazy stuff they could come up with. Bret comes in and walks into a Pierre powerslam for two, and Jacques allows some choking in the corner. Quebecers double-team Bret with an elbow and Pierre pounds on him in the corner, and it’s more quality cheating while hotheaded Owen tries to come in. Pierre comes off the middle rope and lands on Bret’s foot, and it’s hot tag Owen. Backdrop for Jacques, belly to belly suplex for Pierre, and he goes to finish Jacques with the Sharpshooter, but Pierre bulldogs him behind the ref’s back to break. And so Owen is your face-in-peril. They drop him on the top rope for two, but Owen quickly tags Bret back in and he fights off both Quebecers alone. Backbreaker and legsweep for Jacques and noggins are knocked, then he gets rid of Pierre and looks to finish…but Johnny Polo pulls down the top rope and Bret blows out his knee on the way down. The Quebecers swarm in and work over the knee outside until Owen chases them off. Back in, Jacques beats the hell out of the knee and goes to a Boston crab, while the announcers implore Bret to go over and make the tag. The Quebecers switch off on the knee and Vince declares that it’s not skill, it’s HOOLIGANISM. They should have marketed a Vince McMahon Word Of The Day Calendar. Bret tries a Sharpshooter on Pierre, but can’t complete the move, and the ref stops the match at 16:48. Who is he, Steve Mazzagatti? Terrible finish, but a great match up until the storyline took over. **** Speaking of storylines, Owen berates his brother for not tagging, and then KICKS THE LEG FROM UNDER HIS LEG. You know, it’s funny, because years later that would be the least horrific thing that members of that family would do to each other. At least Bret didn’t sue for that or write a tell-all book about it. Meanwhile, Owen cuts a promo from backstage, telling Bret that he’s TOO SELFISH and coins the “kicked the leg from under your leg” phrase that people mocked him about for years afterwards. Owen and a live mic used to be a risky proposition. WWF Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. IRS IRS has stolen the gold from around Ramon’s neck to give this some minimal backstory, and Razor slugs him down and chases him out of the ring to start. Back in for an atomic drop, but they head out and Irwin sends him into the stairs. Back in for a quick chinlock and IRS legdrops him low, then drops an elbow for two. Back to the chinlock, but Razor fights out and slugs him down, then gets the blockbuster slam for two. And tragically, the ref is bumped, allowing IRS to grab the briefcase. Razor gets it away and puts IRS down for the pin, but of course there’s no ref. So Ramon puts him on the top rope for a backdrop superplex and sets up for the Razor’s Edge, but Shawn Michaels runs in and clobbers him with the belt, which gives IRS the pin and the title at 9:43?! Luckily, Earl Hebner runs out and demands the match be restarted, because if there’s one thing he won’t stand for, it’s injustice in a title match when Shawn Michaels is involved! Ramon hits the Edge in all the confusion and pins IRS to retain. Whew. Just kind of a junky RAW match. ** But hey, if this is the worst match tonight, it’ll still be an easy thumbs up, right? WWF World title, casket match: Yokozuna v. Undertaker Hang on, I need two Red Bulls and a bag of mushrooms to properly deal with this first. … Well, all I had was canned mushrooms, so that’ll have to do. You know, thinking about Undertaker during this period, he really got stuck with the shittiest series of feuds that you could possibly think up. He had two PPVs against Giant Gonzalez with a house show feud against Mr. Hughes sandwiched in the middle, then got to face Yokozuna in this legendarily horrible match, then had to face himself at Summerslam. No wonder he had no incentive to get better. Anyway, Taker gets a flying clothesline and they fight to the floor, and Taker quickly no-sells everything and heads back in for the ropewalk. Back to the floor, UT beats on him with a chair, and Ted Dibiase notes that it’s going to get a lot more brutal. Indeed. Yoko comes back with a handful of salt and they head back in, where Yoko gets a clothesline and tries to roll him into the casket. Taker awakens and comes back for the slugfest, but Yoko puts him down with a belly to belly suplex. Taker no-sells it and gets a pretty decent chokeslam and follows with a DDT, and at this point it’s a pretty decent match. BUT IT GETS WORSE. So into the casket goes Yokozuna, but Crush runs out and attacks, preventing the finish. Taker gets rid of him, but now the Great Kabuki of all people comes in, followed by Tenryu. Yes, they have fucking GENICHIRO TENRYU booked for the show and this is what they use him for. And now Bam Bam Bigelow, as far more troubling is Yokozuna still unconscious in the casket after a single DDT two minutes previously. But now it REALLY gets silly, as Paul Bearer uses the power of the urn to inspire Undertaker to fight off four guys at once, so Jeff Jarrett and Adam Bomb now join the shitstorm. Oh, and the Headshrinkers. At least it makes sense for THEM to assist Yokozuna. Luckily, Yoko has now recovered from that devastating DDT and is walking around again. And the last man in is Diesel, and with 11 guys helping they STILL can’t close the damn casket lid. BUT IT GETS WORSE. The horde takes out Paul Bearer and steals the urn, which causes (and I’m very embarrassed as a wrestling fan to type this) green smoke to flood out of it, presumably the spirits of Undertaker’s dead parents. So that, finally, is enough to get him in the casket and close the lid at 14:18. And you’re thinking OK, that was a horrible finish and an embarrassment to anyone who’s not Vince Russo or Ed Ferrera, but they can’t possibly sink lower, can they? BUT IT GETS WORSE. So while the heels celebrate the presumably dead body of Undertaker, the lights go out and we somehow get a camera shot from inside the casket, where Undertaker CUTS A PROMO FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. And you thought HHH was bad. Do any of the heels open up the casket and punch him in the mouth at this point? Of course not, they all stare blankly at the video wall while Undertaker delivers a dramatic soliloquy and then rises to the ceiling. Not a dream, not an imaginary story. I paid MONEY to watch this PPV in 1994 and then continued as a wrestling fan afterwards. If ever a match deserved the full negative monty, this is undoubtedly it. -***** Worst of all, none of this went anywhere until November, as you’d think it would set up Undertaker’s Kill Bill rampage of revenge, but instead he just took months off. AND THIS WASN’T EVEN THE STUPIDEST FINISH ON THIS SHOW! On the bright side, it was still better than the January 4 Impact. Royal Rumble: Scott Steiner is #1 and Samu is #2. Steiner tosses Samu around and gets a butterfly bomb, but can’t muscle him over the top. Samu comes back with a clothesline and we’re doing 90 second intervals this year, as Rick Steiner is #3. The Steiners double-team Samu, as you’d expect, and suplex the crap out of him, but make no serious effort to get rid of him. Samu misses a charge and hangs himself in the ropes anyway, and he’s gone at 3:22. KWANG is #4 and he uses his MARTIAL ARTS on Scott and blows mist in Rick’s face, but Scott suplexes him anyway. Owen Hart is #5 to a big heel reaction and he immediately goes after the blinded Rick Steiner and puts him out at 5:50. Good for you, Owen! Bart Gunn is #6 and he goes after Owen, with no luck. Diesel is #7 and he hits everyone indiscriminately. Diesel dumps Bart at 8:57, then Scott at 9:00, then Owen at 9:09. Kwang tries to stop him and gets tossed at 9:25. DIESEL POWER begins here. Mr. Bob Backlund is #8 and nearly gets Big Kev out with a double leg, but leverage isn’t on his side. Diesel gets him out at 10:20 to clear the ring. No wonder he got over. Billy Gunn is #9 and he quickly runs into a boot and he’s gone at 11:25. And now the crowd is firmly behind Diesel. But wait! This gives us a chance to watch footage of the Japanese contingent attacking Lex Luger in the locker room. That’s a shame. Virgil is #10 and I’m not giving him much of a shot. Diesel misses a charge and Virgil uses his fisticuffs, but Diesel gets rid of him at 13:19. Dibiase takes particular delight in that, a nice touch. And now Macho Man is #11 and that’s gonna be it for the big run. Savage pounds away on Kev and throws elbows in the corner, and Jeff Jarrett is #12. He clotheslines Savage out, but Macho skins the cat to hang on and then sends Jarrett back to the dressing room at 17:14. Crush is #13 and that’s trouble for Savage. Savage elbows him down and goes up with the double axehandle, then goes after Diesel as well and loses the battle. The heels double-team him and Doink is #14. Savage is out at 19:10 during Doink’s entrance, leaving the heels to pound on each other while Doink laughs at them. That gets him a beatdown, and Bam Bam Bigelow is #15. Crush & Diesel give Bam Bam free reign to assault Doink, so he sends him into the aisle at 21:14 with a Spike Dudley toss. Nice. The heels all turn on each other, and Mabel is #16. He hits Diesel with an Avalanche, then Bigelow, and SPARKY PLUGG is #17. Now we’re getting into the SERIOUS contenders. People do the “lay on the ropes and pretend to get each other out” thing to burn some time, until Shawn Michaels at #18. Interesting to think that he would go on to win the next two in the row. Everyone decides to go after Diesel, and he’s gone at 25:59. He’d have better days ahead of him. So with the crowd favorite gone, Mo is #19. There’s way too many people with purple tights in there. Bless the 90s. Shawn teases some eliminations and Greg Valentine is #20. Forgot about that one. He goes after Bigelow as deadwood is starting to accumulate. Tatanka is #21 and he beats on Shawn, but Mabel actually holds Tatanka so that Shawn can get some shots in. Shawn turns on him anyway. Kabuki is #22, but don’t union rules say we can only have one mist-spewing Asian per match? Everyone decides to gang up on Mabel and dumps him at 32:32. Probably wise. Lex Luger is #23 and hopefully he’ll clear the ring for AMERICA. Kabuki goes back to Japania at 33:40! And that’s his whole babyface rampage, as Crush attacks him to stop the madness. Tenryu is #24 and he chops Luger right away, and they’re pretty awesome chops. He’s earned his money. #25 no-shows, and Vince is sure it was Bret Hart’s spot, although I believe later it was revealed to be Bastion Booger’s spot. So we continue on and Rick Martel is #26. Luger and Tatanka slug it out in an interesting bit of foreshadowing, and otherwise nothing is going on until Bret Hart is #27, still selling the leg injury from earlier. And the crowd goes nuts for him, especially with the limp. Crush immediately goes for the knee, aided by Tenryu. Fatu is #28 and there’s way too many guys, as the last elimination was more than 10 minutes ago. And Crush gets pounded out by Luger at 42:38. Marty Jannetty is #29, and it’s gung ho against Shawn Michaels to a big pop, as they trade like Frye and Takayama, but gayer. They exchange superkicks, but Marty can’t suplex Shawn out. And finally, Adam Bomb is #30. Bret dumps Plugg at 45:21 to end the dream of Bob Holly in a Wrestlemania main event, and Tenryu is still chopping the shit out of everyone. Doesn’t he know that the object of a battle royale is to lay around on the ropes and crack jokes? Someone teach this guy how to work. Things slow right down with everyone in, and no one can still get Shawn out. Martel finally gets Valentine out at 49:19, and Tatanka dumps Martel at 49:39. Bomb charges Lex and hits the floor at 49:50. Finally, someone gave the “go home” signal. Tatanka goes out at 50:18 off-screen. Shawn and Marty continue their private war, and Bam Bam bumps out at 51:05 following a Luger forearm. Shawn gets rid of Marty at 51:14 for the moral victory, and holy cow Tenryu is still there. Cute spot as he runs Shawn and Fatu’s heads together, but only Shawn sells it. Tenryu just chops the shit out of Luger again, but Bret and Lex team up and dump Tenryu at 52:29. Final Four: Bret Hart, Lex Luger, Fatu, and Shawn Michaels. Bret and Shawn battle on the ropes as Fatu superkicks Lex off my favorite headbutt no-sell spot. The heels put Luger on the apron, but he fights them off and makes the superhero comeback. And the faces backdrop the heels out at 54:49 simultaneously, giving us Bret v. Lex. And they fight to the ropes, and both are out at 55:08 for the most retarded Royal Rumble finish until 1999. Replays clearly show that Luger hit the floor first, but Bret got the last laugh anyway. I should also note that the crowd reaction to Bret’s fake win is MASSIVE compared to Luger’s. A very entertaining Rumble for about the first 40 minutes, then it got clogged up and died off bigtime, leading to the worst Rumble finish ever up until that point. ***1/2 The Pulse: It’s kinda sorta good if you can ignore the glaring spot in the middle surrounding the casket match, but it’s not an all-time classic or anything. Mild recommendation to avoid overall.

The Netcop Retro Rant for the Royal Rumble 1993. (2012 Scott sez:  First ever Royal Rumble available on PPV in Edmonton back in the day!  And man what a disappointment!  It’s funny because PPV didn’t launch until Summerslam 92 in my neck of the woods, and we bought pretty much everything offered, and they all sucked.  Survivor Series 92, Halloween Havoc 92, Starrcade 92, Rumble 93, Wrestlemania 9…thanks a lot, PPV.) – Live from the Arco Arena in Sacramento, CA, home of some basketball team. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan. – Opening match: The Beverly Brothers v. The Steiner Brothers. This is essentially the Steiners’ debut. Big pop for Rick and Scott on their way in. Mucho stalling to start. Very sloppy tiltawhirl slam by Scott, who proceeds to play Ricky Morton for some very slow and boring offense from the Beverlys. Fonzie is the ref. Hot tag Rick, who clotheslines everything in sight, Scott back in, pier-six, frankensteiner, see ya. 1/2* Very disappointing debut. – Review of the Rocker feud. – I-C title match: Shawn Michaels v. Marty Jannetty. This is not the match from 1993 between the two that won Match of the Year. That came later on an episode of RAW. The big storyline here is “Which corner will Sherri be in?” For those that care about this sort of thing, Marty was well over the legal blood alcohol limit for this match. (2012 Scott sez:  He was the Matt Hardy of his generation!) A few of the spots look odd as a result, but it doesn’t mess up the match too much. A pretty good match, actually, with lots of moves that called “Just like that!” (single-arm DDT), or “I’ve never seen that before!” (hanging vertical suplex off the apron to the floor). Shawn controls, Marty comes back and do a pretty series of spots and reversals. Marty hits the superkick for two. Ref bump, and then a massive stalling session breaks out as Marty holds Shawn for Sherri to hit, but Shawn ducks and Marty gets clocked with the shoe. (2012 Scott sez:  Shawn pulled off a miracle getting Tipsy McStagger to *** here.)  Shawn and Sherri enact a little pathos play in the ring for a couple of minutes, then Marty floats back into consciousness, along with the ref. Shawn casually turns around and nails Marty with the superkick and gets the easy pin. Very anticlimactic. ***1/4 – Big Bossman v. Bam Bam Bigelow. Bossman was definitely on the way down the talent ladder by this point. Slooooooooow kick and punch fest. No wonder Bigelow didn’t get over. Bossman fights back the Bigelow offense, does a couple of the usual moves, then gets caught with a clothesline and Bigelow drops the big headbutt for the win. DUD. Bossman was being actively jobbed out at this point, in preparation for a WCW entrance. (2012 Scott sez:  I have to wonder if Bossman would have been better off just sticking around.  Anything that WCW paid him over WWF would have been made up by lost merchandise money, you’d think.)  – WWF World title match: Bret Hart v. Razor Ramon. The review package highlights just how many times Scott Hall has seen “Scarface.” (2012 Scott sez:  At least he had a gimmick and an awesome wrestling name, unlike all the generic goofs today in black trunks.)  Bret works on the knee early. About two minutes later, Ramon promptly forgets about that and decides not to sell the leg injury anymore. Ramon works on the ribs. Then it gets really boring, until Bret comes back with (all together now…) THE FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! (2012 Scott sez:  Still waiting for that royalty cheque from John Cena.)  Ramon blocks the Sharpshooter. They do a neat top-rope backdrop sequence, and Ramon tries the Razor’s Edge. Bret reverses to a backslide for two. Ramon tries a bow-and-arrow and Hart reverses to a pin for two. They collapse in a heap and Bret casually ties up the legs and turns over for the Sharpshooter. Not bad, all in all. *** (2012 Scott sez:  And that, ladies and gentlemen, was Scott Hall’s one and only shot at the WWF title.)  – Bobby Heenan unveils…The Narcissist, Lex Luger. Lex poses a lot. – Caesar and Cleopatra are introduced to hype WRESTLEMANIA 9, which is generally regarded as #1034 in the list of God’s Greatest Mistakes. Louie Spicoli is a centurion. I didn’t know Cleopatra was black… (2012 Scott sez:  The Cleopatra comment actually set off a bit of a firestorm on RSPW at the time, with a contingent of people basically saying “She lived in Egypt, dumbass, of course she was black”, although the prevailing wisdom is that Cleopatra was Greek and just moved there.  People focus on strange stuff when they’re looking for controversy, I guess.)  – The Royal Rumble: Ric Flair draws #1 and Bob Backlund draws #2. This was well before Mr. Bob Backlund was born. Papa Shango (the Godfather as he’s known today) gets #3 and gets bounced by the old guys pretty quick. Dibiase is #4 and this is probably the only time you’ll see these three in the same ring. They gang up on Backlund until Knobbs (#5) makes the save. They pair off until Virgil is in at #6. Guess who he goes right after. Knobbs gets tossed. Jerry Lawler is #7 and moves pretty quick. He goes after Flair. Max Moon is #8 and his entrance lasts longer than his participation. Tenryu (as the token Japanese contingent) is #9 and of course goes after Flair. Curt Hennig is #10 and he absolutely destroys Flair in the hottest segment of the whole match. Skinner is #11 and makes the save, but Hennig tosses Flair anyway. Koko B. Ware and the big-ass pants from hell are #12. He goes after Lawler, which would have JR spewing wrestling history were it to happen today. (2012 Scott sez:  And then if it were to happen TODAY, Michael Cole would yell over JR’s history lesson and make fun of him for dragging up the past.)  Hennig tosses Skinner. Samu of the Headshrinkers is #13. Slow period as guys wander around waiting for the next booking period to kick in. Berzerker husses in at #14. Lawler charges Hennig and goes bye-bye. Everyone then gets sick of Hennig and gangs up on him to knock *him* out (with help from Lawler) to start a feud that didn’t actually go anywhere. The talent pool is really getting thin. Undertaker is in at #15 to clear out the deadwood. (2012 Scott sez:  My favorite subplot of Royal Rumble matches is generally the deadwood-clearing monster, because it speeds up the match and makes someone look awesome.)  Samu? Gone. Tenryu? Back to Japan. Terry Taylor is #16, and both he and Koko’s pants get dumped right away. Dibiase? Gone. Berzerker? Gone. Backlund is passed out on the outside and is probably the next target, when suddenly (as suddenly as he moves), Giant Gonzalez plods down in the goofy muscle suit and stares down the Undertaker. They fight and UT goes over the top to the shock of the crowd. (2012 Scott sez:  To the shock of me as well.  I was betting on him to win it at the time.)  Damien Demento is #17 and is smart enough to stay back. IRS is #18 and he too is smart enough to stay back. Finally, GG leaves and the legal men are IRS, Demento and Bob Backlund. T-t-t-t-t-t-tanka is #19, and Sags is #20 and jack shit is happening. Typhoon is #21 and Fatu is #22 and the crowd is getting actively restless at the lack of action. Guys lie on the ropes and yell at the camera in lieu of actual wrestling. (2012 Scott sez:  And this differs from a normal battle royale how…?) Earthquake is #23 and he goes right after Typhoon, which wakes up the crowd somewhat. Typhoon charges and goes over the top. Carlos Colon is #24 and Gorilla has the balls to call him a “youngster”. He dumps Demento. Tito Santana is #25 as Backlund dumps Fatu. Bob starts to get some serious face heat, as the crowd realizes he’s about 10 minutes away from breaking Ric Flair’s record. The crowd screams with every elimination tease. If Yokozuna wasn’t in this thing, I’d have pegged Bobby as the winner at this point. Rick Martel is #26 and with the lack of interesting talent the winner is becoming rapidly apparent. IRS charges Quake and goes out. Yokozuna is #27 and you can almost see the guys lining up as cannon fodder. Tatanka? Gone. Colon? Gone. Quake and Yoko do the big face-off. Owen Hart is #28. Quake? Gone. Repo Man is #29 and unless Hulk Hogan is behind that curtain, the crowd knows Yoko’s taking it. Everyone gangs up on Yoko in one last-ditch attempt, but no go. Randy Savage is #30. Santana? Gone. Sags? Gone. Owen? Gone. Repo Man? Gone. Backlund is still there and he dumps Martel to boot. We’re down to three, but then Backlund makes the stupid mistake of charging Yoko and goes flying. HUGE heel reaction for that one. But Backlund gets the longevity record. (2012 Scott sez:  Not to be broken until Chris Benoit and then Rey Mysterio after that.)  Yoko beats the living hell out of Savage, who then comes back with a couple of axehandles. Yoko with a savate kick, belly-to-belly and Hulkbuster legdrop. Savage is a big quivering mass of jelly. Yoko misses the avalanche, Savage with the big elbow and then he COVERS. What a fucking idiot. Yoko casually tosses him off and over the top rope in the process to win without really breaking a sweat. *** The Bottom Line: Pretty innocuous Rumble. A couple of good matches, but the Rumble itself was one of the worst. Bret-Razor seems more important in retrospect because Ramon actually gained credibility much later, when in fact his chances at the time were slim and none. Shawn-Marty was carried by Shawn, of course, and again seems more important in retrospective because Shawn didn’t gain credibility until 1994. Mildly recommended. (2012 Scott sez:  I don’t really see a recommendation here.) 

The Netcop Retro Rant for the Royal Rumble 1993. (2012 Scott sez:  First ever Royal Rumble available on PPV in Edmonton back in the day!  And man what a disappointment!  It’s funny because PPV didn’t launch until Summerslam 92 in my neck of the woods, and we bought pretty much everything offered, and they all sucked.  Survivor Series 92, Halloween Havoc 92, Starrcade 92, Rumble 93, Wrestlemania 9…thanks a lot, PPV.) – Live from the Arco Arena in Sacramento, CA, home of some basketball team. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan. – Opening match: The Beverly Brothers v. The Steiner Brothers. This is essentially the Steiners’ debut. Big pop for Rick and Scott on their way in. Mucho stalling to start. Very sloppy tiltawhirl slam by Scott, who proceeds to play Ricky Morton for some very slow and boring offense from the Beverlys. Fonzie is the ref. Hot tag Rick, who clotheslines everything in sight, Scott back in, pier-six, frankensteiner, see ya. 1/2* Very disappointing debut. – Review of the Rocker feud. – I-C title match: Shawn Michaels v. Marty Jannetty. This is not the match from 1993 between the two that won Match of the Year. That came later on an episode of RAW. The big storyline here is “Which corner will Sherri be in?” For those that care about this sort of thing, Marty was well over the legal blood alcohol limit for this match. (2012 Scott sez:  He was the Matt Hardy of his generation!) A few of the spots look odd as a result, but it doesn’t mess up the match too much. A pretty good match, actually, with lots of moves that called “Just like that!” (single-arm DDT), or “I’ve never seen that before!” (hanging vertical suplex off the apron to the floor). Shawn controls, Marty comes back and do a pretty series of spots and reversals. Marty hits the superkick for two. Ref bump, and then a massive stalling session breaks out as Marty holds Shawn for Sherri to hit, but Shawn ducks and Marty gets clocked with the shoe. (2012 Scott sez:  Shawn pulled off a miracle getting Tipsy McStagger to *** here.)  Shawn and Sherri enact a little pathos play in the ring for a couple of minutes, then Marty floats back into consciousness, along with the ref. Shawn casually turns around and nails Marty with the superkick and gets the easy pin. Very anticlimactic. ***1/4 – Big Bossman v. Bam Bam Bigelow. Bossman was definitely on the way down the talent ladder by this point. Slooooooooow kick and punch fest. No wonder Bigelow didn’t get over. Bossman fights back the Bigelow offense, does a couple of the usual moves, then gets caught with a clothesline and Bigelow drops the big headbutt for the win. DUD. Bossman was being actively jobbed out at this point, in preparation for a WCW entrance. (2012 Scott sez:  I have to wonder if Bossman would have been better off just sticking around.  Anything that WCW paid him over WWF would have been made up by lost merchandise money, you’d think.)  – WWF World title match: Bret Hart v. Razor Ramon. The review package highlights just how many times Scott Hall has seen “Scarface.” (2012 Scott sez:  At least he had a gimmick and an awesome wrestling name, unlike all the generic goofs today in black trunks.)  Bret works on the knee early. About two minutes later, Ramon promptly forgets about that and decides not to sell the leg injury anymore. Ramon works on the ribs. Then it gets really boring, until Bret comes back with (all together now…) THE FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! (2012 Scott sez:  Still waiting for that royalty cheque from John Cena.)  Ramon blocks the Sharpshooter. They do a neat top-rope backdrop sequence, and Ramon tries the Razor’s Edge. Bret reverses to a backslide for two. Ramon tries a bow-and-arrow and Hart reverses to a pin for two. They collapse in a heap and Bret casually ties up the legs and turns over for the Sharpshooter. Not bad, all in all. *** (2012 Scott sez:  And that, ladies and gentlemen, was Scott Hall’s one and only shot at the WWF title.)  – Bobby Heenan unveils…The Narcissist, Lex Luger. Lex poses a lot. – Caesar and Cleopatra are introduced to hype WRESTLEMANIA 9, which is generally regarded as #1034 in the list of God’s Greatest Mistakes. Louie Spicoli is a centurion. I didn’t know Cleopatra was black… (2012 Scott sez:  The Cleopatra comment actually set off a bit of a firestorm on RSPW at the time, with a contingent of people basically saying “She lived in Egypt, dumbass, of course she was black”, although the prevailing wisdom is that Cleopatra was Greek and just moved there.  People focus on strange stuff when they’re looking for controversy, I guess.)  – The Royal Rumble: Ric Flair draws #1 and Bob Backlund draws #2. This was well before Mr. Bob Backlund was born. Papa Shango (the Godfather as he’s known today) gets #3 and gets bounced by the old guys pretty quick. Dibiase is #4 and this is probably the only time you’ll see these three in the same ring. They gang up on Backlund until Knobbs (#5) makes the save. They pair off until Virgil is in at #6. Guess who he goes right after. Knobbs gets tossed. Jerry Lawler is #7 and moves pretty quick. He goes after Flair. Max Moon is #8 and his entrance lasts longer than his participation. Tenryu (as the token Japanese contingent) is #9 and of course goes after Flair. Curt Hennig is #10 and he absolutely destroys Flair in the hottest segment of the whole match. Skinner is #11 and makes the save, but Hennig tosses Flair anyway. Koko B. Ware and the big-ass pants from hell are #12. He goes after Lawler, which would have JR spewing wrestling history were it to happen today. (2012 Scott sez:  And then if it were to happen TODAY, Michael Cole would yell over JR’s history lesson and make fun of him for dragging up the past.)  Hennig tosses Skinner. Samu of the Headshrinkers is #13. Slow period as guys wander around waiting for the next booking period to kick in. Berzerker husses in at #14. Lawler charges Hennig and goes bye-bye. Everyone then gets sick of Hennig and gangs up on him to knock *him* out (with help from Lawler) to start a feud that didn’t actually go anywhere. The talent pool is really getting thin. Undertaker is in at #15 to clear out the deadwood. (2012 Scott sez:  My favorite subplot of Royal Rumble matches is generally the deadwood-clearing monster, because it speeds up the match and makes someone look awesome.)  Samu? Gone. Tenryu? Back to Japan. Terry Taylor is #16, and both he and Koko’s pants get dumped right away. Dibiase? Gone. Berzerker? Gone. Backlund is passed out on the outside and is probably the next target, when suddenly (as suddenly as he moves), Giant Gonzalez plods down in the goofy muscle suit and stares down the Undertaker. They fight and UT goes over the top to the shock of the crowd. (2012 Scott sez:  To the shock of me as well.  I was betting on him to win it at the time.)  Damien Demento is #17 and is smart enough to stay back. IRS is #18 and he too is smart enough to stay back. Finally, GG leaves and the legal men are IRS, Demento and Bob Backlund. T-t-t-t-t-t-tanka is #19, and Sags is #20 and jack shit is happening. Typhoon is #21 and Fatu is #22 and the crowd is getting actively restless at the lack of action. Guys lie on the ropes and yell at the camera in lieu of actual wrestling. (2012 Scott sez:  And this differs from a normal battle royale how…?) Earthquake is #23 and he goes right after Typhoon, which wakes up the crowd somewhat. Typhoon charges and goes over the top. Carlos Colon is #24 and Gorilla has the balls to call him a “youngster”. He dumps Demento. Tito Santana is #25 as Backlund dumps Fatu. Bob starts to get some serious face heat, as the crowd realizes he’s about 10 minutes away from breaking Ric Flair’s record. The crowd screams with every elimination tease. If Yokozuna wasn’t in this thing, I’d have pegged Bobby as the winner at this point. Rick Martel is #26 and with the lack of interesting talent the winner is becoming rapidly apparent. IRS charges Quake and goes out. Yokozuna is #27 and you can almost see the guys lining up as cannon fodder. Tatanka? Gone. Colon? Gone. Quake and Yoko do the big face-off. Owen Hart is #28. Quake? Gone. Repo Man is #29 and unless Hulk Hogan is behind that curtain, the crowd knows Yoko’s taking it. Everyone gangs up on Yoko in one last-ditch attempt, but no go. Randy Savage is #30. Santana? Gone. Sags? Gone. Owen? Gone. Repo Man? Gone. Backlund is still there and he dumps Martel to boot. We’re down to three, but then Backlund makes the stupid mistake of charging Yoko and goes flying. HUGE heel reaction for that one. But Backlund gets the longevity record. (2012 Scott sez:  Not to be broken until Chris Benoit and then Rey Mysterio after that.)  Yoko beats the living hell out of Savage, who then comes back with a couple of axehandles. Yoko with a savate kick, belly-to-belly and Hulkbuster legdrop. Savage is a big quivering mass of jelly. Yoko misses the avalanche, Savage with the big elbow and then he COVERS. What a fucking idiot. Yoko casually tosses him off and over the top rope in the process to win without really breaking a sweat. *** The Bottom Line: Pretty innocuous Rumble. A couple of good matches, but the Rumble itself was one of the worst. Bret-Razor seems more important in retrospect because Ramon actually gained credibility much later, when in fact his chances at the time were slim and none. Shawn-Marty was carried by Shawn, of course, and again seems more important in retrospective because Shawn didn’t gain credibility until 1994. Mildly recommended. (2012 Scott sez:  I don’t really see a recommendation here.) 

The Netcop Retro Rant for the Royal Rumble 1993. (2012 Scott sez:  First ever Royal Rumble available on PPV in Edmonton back in the day!  And man what a disappointment!  It’s funny because PPV didn’t launch until Summerslam 92 in my neck of the woods, and we bought pretty much everything offered, and they all sucked.  Survivor Series 92, Halloween Havoc 92, Starrcade 92, Rumble 93, Wrestlemania 9…thanks a lot, PPV.) – Live from the Arco Arena in Sacramento, CA, home of some basketball team. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan. – Opening match: The Beverly Brothers v. The Steiner Brothers. This is essentially the Steiners’ debut. Big pop for Rick and Scott on their way in. Mucho stalling to start. Very sloppy tiltawhirl slam by Scott, who proceeds to play Ricky Morton for some very slow and boring offense from the Beverlys. Fonzie is the ref. Hot tag Rick, who clotheslines everything in sight, Scott back in, pier-six, frankensteiner, see ya. 1/2* Very disappointing debut. – Review of the Rocker feud. – I-C title match: Shawn Michaels v. Marty Jannetty. This is not the match from 1993 between the two that won Match of the Year. That came later on an episode of RAW. The big storyline here is “Which corner will Sherri be in?” For those that care about this sort of thing, Marty was well over the legal blood alcohol limit for this match. (2012 Scott sez:  He was the Matt Hardy of his generation!) A few of the spots look odd as a result, but it doesn’t mess up the match too much. A pretty good match, actually, with lots of moves that called “Just like that!” (single-arm DDT), or “I’ve never seen that before!” (hanging vertical suplex off the apron to the floor). Shawn controls, Marty comes back and do a pretty series of spots and reversals. Marty hits the superkick for two. Ref bump, and then a massive stalling session breaks out as Marty holds Shawn for Sherri to hit, but Shawn ducks and Marty gets clocked with the shoe. (2012 Scott sez:  Shawn pulled off a miracle getting Tipsy McStagger to *** here.)  Shawn and Sherri enact a little pathos play in the ring for a couple of minutes, then Marty floats back into consciousness, along with the ref. Shawn casually turns around and nails Marty with the superkick and gets the easy pin. Very anticlimactic. ***1/4 – Big Bossman v. Bam Bam Bigelow. Bossman was definitely on the way down the talent ladder by this point. Slooooooooow kick and punch fest. No wonder Bigelow didn’t get over. Bossman fights back the Bigelow offense, does a couple of the usual moves, then gets caught with a clothesline and Bigelow drops the big headbutt for the win. DUD. Bossman was being actively jobbed out at this point, in preparation for a WCW entrance. (2012 Scott sez:  I have to wonder if Bossman would have been better off just sticking around.  Anything that WCW paid him over WWF would have been made up by lost merchandise money, you’d think.)  – WWF World title match: Bret Hart v. Razor Ramon. The review package highlights just how many times Scott Hall has seen “Scarface.” (2012 Scott sez:  At least he had a gimmick and an awesome wrestling name, unlike all the generic goofs today in black trunks.)  Bret works on the knee early. About two minutes later, Ramon promptly forgets about that and decides not to sell the leg injury anymore. Ramon works on the ribs. Then it gets really boring, until Bret comes back with (all together now…) THE FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! (2012 Scott sez:  Still waiting for that royalty cheque from John Cena.)  Ramon blocks the Sharpshooter. They do a neat top-rope backdrop sequence, and Ramon tries the Razor’s Edge. Bret reverses to a backslide for two. Ramon tries a bow-and-arrow and Hart reverses to a pin for two. They collapse in a heap and Bret casually ties up the legs and turns over for the Sharpshooter. Not bad, all in all. *** (2012 Scott sez:  And that, ladies and gentlemen, was Scott Hall’s one and only shot at the WWF title.)  – Bobby Heenan unveils…The Narcissist, Lex Luger. Lex poses a lot. – Caesar and Cleopatra are introduced to hype WRESTLEMANIA 9, which is generally regarded as #1034 in the list of God’s Greatest Mistakes. Louie Spicoli is a centurion. I didn’t know Cleopatra was black… (2012 Scott sez:  The Cleopatra comment actually set off a bit of a firestorm on RSPW at the time, with a contingent of people basically saying “She lived in Egypt, dumbass, of course she was black”, although the prevailing wisdom is that Cleopatra was Greek and just moved there.  People focus on strange stuff when they’re looking for controversy, I guess.)  – The Royal Rumble: Ric Flair draws #1 and Bob Backlund draws #2. This was well before Mr. Bob Backlund was born. Papa Shango (the Godfather as he’s known today) gets #3 and gets bounced by the old guys pretty quick. Dibiase is #4 and this is probably the only time you’ll see these three in the same ring. They gang up on Backlund until Knobbs (#5) makes the save. They pair off until Virgil is in at #6. Guess who he goes right after. Knobbs gets tossed. Jerry Lawler is #7 and moves pretty quick. He goes after Flair. Max Moon is #8 and his entrance lasts longer than his participation. Tenryu (as the token Japanese contingent) is #9 and of course goes after Flair. Curt Hennig is #10 and he absolutely destroys Flair in the hottest segment of the whole match. Skinner is #11 and makes the save, but Hennig tosses Flair anyway. Koko B. Ware and the big-ass pants from hell are #12. He goes after Lawler, which would have JR spewing wrestling history were it to happen today. (2012 Scott sez:  And then if it were to happen TODAY, Michael Cole would yell over JR’s history lesson and make fun of him for dragging up the past.)  Hennig tosses Skinner. Samu of the Headshrinkers is #13. Slow period as guys wander around waiting for the next booking period to kick in. Berzerker husses in at #14. Lawler charges Hennig and goes bye-bye. Everyone then gets sick of Hennig and gangs up on him to knock *him* out (with help from Lawler) to start a feud that didn’t actually go anywhere. The talent pool is really getting thin. Undertaker is in at #15 to clear out the deadwood. (2012 Scott sez:  My favorite subplot of Royal Rumble matches is generally the deadwood-clearing monster, because it speeds up the match and makes someone look awesome.)  Samu? Gone. Tenryu? Back to Japan. Terry Taylor is #16, and both he and Koko’s pants get dumped right away. Dibiase? Gone. Berzerker? Gone. Backlund is passed out on the outside and is probably the next target, when suddenly (as suddenly as he moves), Giant Gonzalez plods down in the goofy muscle suit and stares down the Undertaker. They fight and UT goes over the top to the shock of the crowd. (2012 Scott sez:  To the shock of me as well.  I was betting on him to win it at the time.)  Damien Demento is #17 and is smart enough to stay back. IRS is #18 and he too is smart enough to stay back. Finally, GG leaves and the legal men are IRS, Demento and Bob Backlund. T-t-t-t-t-t-tanka is #19, and Sags is #20 and jack shit is happening. Typhoon is #21 and Fatu is #22 and the crowd is getting actively restless at the lack of action. Guys lie on the ropes and yell at the camera in lieu of actual wrestling. (2012 Scott sez:  And this differs from a normal battle royale how…?) Earthquake is #23 and he goes right after Typhoon, which wakes up the crowd somewhat. Typhoon charges and goes over the top. Carlos Colon is #24 and Gorilla has the balls to call him a “youngster”. He dumps Demento. Tito Santana is #25 as Backlund dumps Fatu. Bob starts to get some serious face heat, as the crowd realizes he’s about 10 minutes away from breaking Ric Flair’s record. The crowd screams with every elimination tease. If Yokozuna wasn’t in this thing, I’d have pegged Bobby as the winner at this point. Rick Martel is #26 and with the lack of interesting talent the winner is becoming rapidly apparent. IRS charges Quake and goes out. Yokozuna is #27 and you can almost see the guys lining up as cannon fodder. Tatanka? Gone. Colon? Gone. Quake and Yoko do the big face-off. Owen Hart is #28. Quake? Gone. Repo Man is #29 and unless Hulk Hogan is behind that curtain, the crowd knows Yoko’s taking it. Everyone gangs up on Yoko in one last-ditch attempt, but no go. Randy Savage is #30. Santana? Gone. Sags? Gone. Owen? Gone. Repo Man? Gone. Backlund is still there and he dumps Martel to boot. We’re down to three, but then Backlund makes the stupid mistake of charging Yoko and goes flying. HUGE heel reaction for that one. But Backlund gets the longevity record. (2012 Scott sez:  Not to be broken until Chris Benoit and then Rey Mysterio after that.)  Yoko beats the living hell out of Savage, who then comes back with a couple of axehandles. Yoko with a savate kick, belly-to-belly and Hulkbuster legdrop. Savage is a big quivering mass of jelly. Yoko misses the avalanche, Savage with the big elbow and then he COVERS. What a fucking idiot. Yoko casually tosses him off and over the top rope in the process to win without really breaking a sweat. *** The Bottom Line: Pretty innocuous Rumble. A couple of good matches, but the Rumble itself was one of the worst. Bret-Razor seems more important in retrospect because Ramon actually gained credibility much later, when in fact his chances at the time were slim and none. Shawn-Marty was carried by Shawn, of course, and again seems more important in retrospective because Shawn didn’t gain credibility until 1994. Mildly recommended. (2012 Scott sez:  I don’t really see a recommendation here.) 

The Netcop Retro Rant for the Royal Rumble 1993. (2012 Scott sez:  First ever Royal Rumble available on PPV in Edmonton back in the day!  And man what a disappointment!  It’s funny because PPV didn’t launch until Summerslam 92 in my neck of the woods, and we bought pretty much everything offered, and they all sucked.  Survivor Series 92, Halloween Havoc 92, Starrcade 92, Rumble 93, Wrestlemania 9…thanks a lot, PPV.) – Live from the Arco Arena in Sacramento, CA, home of some basketball team. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan. – Opening match: The Beverly Brothers v. The Steiner Brothers. This is essentially the Steiners’ debut. Big pop for Rick and Scott on their way in. Mucho stalling to start. Very sloppy tiltawhirl slam by Scott, who proceeds to play Ricky Morton for some very slow and boring offense from the Beverlys. Fonzie is the ref. Hot tag Rick, who clotheslines everything in sight, Scott back in, pier-six, frankensteiner, see ya. 1/2* Very disappointing debut. – Review of the Rocker feud. – I-C title match: Shawn Michaels v. Marty Jannetty. This is not the match from 1993 between the two that won Match of the Year. That came later on an episode of RAW. The big storyline here is “Which corner will Sherri be in?” For those that care about this sort of thing, Marty was well over the legal blood alcohol limit for this match. (2012 Scott sez:  He was the Matt Hardy of his generation!) A few of the spots look odd as a result, but it doesn’t mess up the match too much. A pretty good match, actually, with lots of moves that called “Just like that!” (single-arm DDT), or “I’ve never seen that before!” (hanging vertical suplex off the apron to the floor). Shawn controls, Marty comes back and do a pretty series of spots and reversals. Marty hits the superkick for two. Ref bump, and then a massive stalling session breaks out as Marty holds Shawn for Sherri to hit, but Shawn ducks and Marty gets clocked with the shoe. (2012 Scott sez:  Shawn pulled off a miracle getting Tipsy McStagger to *** here.)  Shawn and Sherri enact a little pathos play in the ring for a couple of minutes, then Marty floats back into consciousness, along with the ref. Shawn casually turns around and nails Marty with the superkick and gets the easy pin. Very anticlimactic. ***1/4 – Big Bossman v. Bam Bam Bigelow. Bossman was definitely on the way down the talent ladder by this point. Slooooooooow kick and punch fest. No wonder Bigelow didn’t get over. Bossman fights back the Bigelow offense, does a couple of the usual moves, then gets caught with a clothesline and Bigelow drops the big headbutt for the win. DUD. Bossman was being actively jobbed out at this point, in preparation for a WCW entrance. (2012 Scott sez:  I have to wonder if Bossman would have been better off just sticking around.  Anything that WCW paid him over WWF would have been made up by lost merchandise money, you’d think.)  – WWF World title match: Bret Hart v. Razor Ramon. The review package highlights just how many times Scott Hall has seen “Scarface.” (2012 Scott sez:  At least he had a gimmick and an awesome wrestling name, unlike all the generic goofs today in black trunks.)  Bret works on the knee early. About two minutes later, Ramon promptly forgets about that and decides not to sell the leg injury anymore. Ramon works on the ribs. Then it gets really boring, until Bret comes back with (all together now…) THE FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! (2012 Scott sez:  Still waiting for that royalty cheque from John Cena.)  Ramon blocks the Sharpshooter. They do a neat top-rope backdrop sequence, and Ramon tries the Razor’s Edge. Bret reverses to a backslide for two. Ramon tries a bow-and-arrow and Hart reverses to a pin for two. They collapse in a heap and Bret casually ties up the legs and turns over for the Sharpshooter. Not bad, all in all. *** (2012 Scott sez:  And that, ladies and gentlemen, was Scott Hall’s one and only shot at the WWF title.)  – Bobby Heenan unveils…The Narcissist, Lex Luger. Lex poses a lot. – Caesar and Cleopatra are introduced to hype WRESTLEMANIA 9, which is generally regarded as #1034 in the list of God’s Greatest Mistakes. Louie Spicoli is a centurion. I didn’t know Cleopatra was black… (2012 Scott sez:  The Cleopatra comment actually set off a bit of a firestorm on RSPW at the time, with a contingent of people basically saying “She lived in Egypt, dumbass, of course she was black”, although the prevailing wisdom is that Cleopatra was Greek and just moved there.  People focus on strange stuff when they’re looking for controversy, I guess.)  – The Royal Rumble: Ric Flair draws #1 and Bob Backlund draws #2. This was well before Mr. Bob Backlund was born. Papa Shango (the Godfather as he’s known today) gets #3 and gets bounced by the old guys pretty quick. Dibiase is #4 and this is probably the only time you’ll see these three in the same ring. They gang up on Backlund until Knobbs (#5) makes the save. They pair off until Virgil is in at #6. Guess who he goes right after. Knobbs gets tossed. Jerry Lawler is #7 and moves pretty quick. He goes after Flair. Max Moon is #8 and his entrance lasts longer than his participation. Tenryu (as the token Japanese contingent) is #9 and of course goes after Flair. Curt Hennig is #10 and he absolutely destroys Flair in the hottest segment of the whole match. Skinner is #11 and makes the save, but Hennig tosses Flair anyway. Koko B. Ware and the big-ass pants from hell are #12. He goes after Lawler, which would have JR spewing wrestling history were it to happen today. (2012 Scott sez:  And then if it were to happen TODAY, Michael Cole would yell over JR’s history lesson and make fun of him for dragging up the past.)  Hennig tosses Skinner. Samu of the Headshrinkers is #13. Slow period as guys wander around waiting for the next booking period to kick in. Berzerker husses in at #14. Lawler charges Hennig and goes bye-bye. Everyone then gets sick of Hennig and gangs up on him to knock *him* out (with help from Lawler) to start a feud that didn’t actually go anywhere. The talent pool is really getting thin. Undertaker is in at #15 to clear out the deadwood. (2012 Scott sez:  My favorite subplot of Royal Rumble matches is generally the deadwood-clearing monster, because it speeds up the match and makes someone look awesome.)  Samu? Gone. Tenryu? Back to Japan. Terry Taylor is #16, and both he and Koko’s pants get dumped right away. Dibiase? Gone. Berzerker? Gone. Backlund is passed out on the outside and is probably the next target, when suddenly (as suddenly as he moves), Giant Gonzalez plods down in the goofy muscle suit and stares down the Undertaker. They fight and UT goes over the top to the shock of the crowd. (2012 Scott sez:  To the shock of me as well.  I was betting on him to win it at the time.)  Damien Demento is #17 and is smart enough to stay back. IRS is #18 and he too is smart enough to stay back. Finally, GG leaves and the legal men are IRS, Demento and Bob Backlund. T-t-t-t-t-t-tanka is #19, and Sags is #20 and jack shit is happening. Typhoon is #21 and Fatu is #22 and the crowd is getting actively restless at the lack of action. Guys lie on the ropes and yell at the camera in lieu of actual wrestling. (2012 Scott sez:  And this differs from a normal battle royale how…?) Earthquake is #23 and he goes right after Typhoon, which wakes up the crowd somewhat. Typhoon charges and goes over the top. Carlos Colon is #24 and Gorilla has the balls to call him a “youngster”. He dumps Demento. Tito Santana is #25 as Backlund dumps Fatu. Bob starts to get some serious face heat, as the crowd realizes he’s about 10 minutes away from breaking Ric Flair’s record. The crowd screams with every elimination tease. If Yokozuna wasn’t in this thing, I’d have pegged Bobby as the winner at this point. Rick Martel is #26 and with the lack of interesting talent the winner is becoming rapidly apparent. IRS charges Quake and goes out. Yokozuna is #27 and you can almost see the guys lining up as cannon fodder. Tatanka? Gone. Colon? Gone. Quake and Yoko do the big face-off. Owen Hart is #28. Quake? Gone. Repo Man is #29 and unless Hulk Hogan is behind that curtain, the crowd knows Yoko’s taking it. Everyone gangs up on Yoko in one last-ditch attempt, but no go. Randy Savage is #30. Santana? Gone. Sags? Gone. Owen? Gone. Repo Man? Gone. Backlund is still there and he dumps Martel to boot. We’re down to three, but then Backlund makes the stupid mistake of charging Yoko and goes flying. HUGE heel reaction for that one. But Backlund gets the longevity record. (2012 Scott sez:  Not to be broken until Chris Benoit and then Rey Mysterio after that.)  Yoko beats the living hell out of Savage, who then comes back with a couple of axehandles. Yoko with a savate kick, belly-to-belly and Hulkbuster legdrop. Savage is a big quivering mass of jelly. Yoko misses the avalanche, Savage with the big elbow and then he COVERS. What a fucking idiot. Yoko casually tosses him off and over the top rope in the process to win without really breaking a sweat. *** The Bottom Line: Pretty innocuous Rumble. A couple of good matches, but the Rumble itself was one of the worst. Bret-Razor seems more important in retrospect because Ramon actually gained credibility much later, when in fact his chances at the time were slim and none. Shawn-Marty was carried by Shawn, of course, and again seems more important in retrospective because Shawn didn’t gain credibility until 1994. Mildly recommended. (2012 Scott sez:  I don’t really see a recommendation here.) 

The Netcop Retro Rant for the Royal Rumble 1993. (2012 Scott sez:  First ever Royal Rumble available on PPV in Edmonton back in the day!  And man what a disappointment!  It’s funny because PPV didn’t launch until Summerslam 92 in my neck of the woods, and we bought pretty much everything offered, and they all sucked.  Survivor Series 92, Halloween Havoc 92, Starrcade 92, Rumble 93, Wrestlemania 9…thanks a lot, PPV.) – Live from the Arco Arena in Sacramento, CA, home of some basketball team. – Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan. – Opening match: The Beverly Brothers v. The Steiner Brothers. This is essentially the Steiners’ debut. Big pop for Rick and Scott on their way in. Mucho stalling to start. Very sloppy tiltawhirl slam by Scott, who proceeds to play Ricky Morton for some very slow and boring offense from the Beverlys. Fonzie is the ref. Hot tag Rick, who clotheslines everything in sight, Scott back in, pier-six, frankensteiner, see ya. 1/2* Very disappointing debut. – Review of the Rocker feud. – I-C title match: Shawn Michaels v. Marty Jannetty. This is not the match from 1993 between the two that won Match of the Year. That came later on an episode of RAW. The big storyline here is “Which corner will Sherri be in?” For those that care about this sort of thing, Marty was well over the legal blood alcohol limit for this match. (2012 Scott sez:  He was the Matt Hardy of his generation!) A few of the spots look odd as a result, but it doesn’t mess up the match too much. A pretty good match, actually, with lots of moves that called “Just like that!” (single-arm DDT), or “I’ve never seen that before!” (hanging vertical suplex off the apron to the floor). Shawn controls, Marty comes back and do a pretty series of spots and reversals. Marty hits the superkick for two. Ref bump, and then a massive stalling session breaks out as Marty holds Shawn for Sherri to hit, but Shawn ducks and Marty gets clocked with the shoe. (2012 Scott sez:  Shawn pulled off a miracle getting Tipsy McStagger to *** here.)  Shawn and Sherri enact a little pathos play in the ring for a couple of minutes, then Marty floats back into consciousness, along with the ref. Shawn casually turns around and nails Marty with the superkick and gets the easy pin. Very anticlimactic. ***1/4 – Big Bossman v. Bam Bam Bigelow. Bossman was definitely on the way down the talent ladder by this point. Slooooooooow kick and punch fest. No wonder Bigelow didn’t get over. Bossman fights back the Bigelow offense, does a couple of the usual moves, then gets caught with a clothesline and Bigelow drops the big headbutt for the win. DUD. Bossman was being actively jobbed out at this point, in preparation for a WCW entrance. (2012 Scott sez:  I have to wonder if Bossman would have been better off just sticking around.  Anything that WCW paid him over WWF would have been made up by lost merchandise money, you’d think.)  – WWF World title match: Bret Hart v. Razor Ramon. The review package highlights just how many times Scott Hall has seen “Scarface.” (2012 Scott sez:  At least he had a gimmick and an awesome wrestling name, unlike all the generic goofs today in black trunks.)  Bret works on the knee early. About two minutes later, Ramon promptly forgets about that and decides not to sell the leg injury anymore. Ramon works on the ribs. Then it gets really boring, until Bret comes back with (all together now…) THE FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! (2012 Scott sez:  Still waiting for that royalty cheque from John Cena.)  Ramon blocks the Sharpshooter. They do a neat top-rope backdrop sequence, and Ramon tries the Razor’s Edge. Bret reverses to a backslide for two. Ramon tries a bow-and-arrow and Hart reverses to a pin for two. They collapse in a heap and Bret casually ties up the legs and turns over for the Sharpshooter. Not bad, all in all. *** (2012 Scott sez:  And that, ladies and gentlemen, was Scott Hall’s one and only shot at the WWF title.)  – Bobby Heenan unveils…The Narcissist, Lex Luger. Lex poses a lot. – Caesar and Cleopatra are introduced to hype WRESTLEMANIA 9, which is generally regarded as #1034 in the list of God’s Greatest Mistakes. Louie Spicoli is a centurion. I didn’t know Cleopatra was black… (2012 Scott sez:  The Cleopatra comment actually set off a bit of a firestorm on RSPW at the time, with a contingent of people basically saying “She lived in Egypt, dumbass, of course she was black”, although the prevailing wisdom is that Cleopatra was Greek and just moved there.  People focus on strange stuff when they’re looking for controversy, I guess.)  – The Royal Rumble: Ric Flair draws #1 and Bob Backlund draws #2. This was well before Mr. Bob Backlund was born. Papa Shango (the Godfather as he’s known today) gets #3 and gets bounced by the old guys pretty quick. Dibiase is #4 and this is probably the only time you’ll see these three in the same ring. They gang up on Backlund until Knobbs (#5) makes the save. They pair off until Virgil is in at #6. Guess who he goes right after. Knobbs gets tossed. Jerry Lawler is #7 and moves pretty quick. He goes after Flair. Max Moon is #8 and his entrance lasts longer than his participation. Tenryu (as the token Japanese contingent) is #9 and of course goes after Flair. Curt Hennig is #10 and he absolutely destroys Flair in the hottest segment of the whole match. Skinner is #11 and makes the save, but Hennig tosses Flair anyway. Koko B. Ware and the big-ass pants from hell are #12. He goes after Lawler, which would have JR spewing wrestling history were it to happen today. (2012 Scott sez:  And then if it were to happen TODAY, Michael Cole would yell over JR’s history lesson and make fun of him for dragging up the past.)  Hennig tosses Skinner. Samu of the Headshrinkers is #13. Slow period as guys wander around waiting for the next booking period to kick in. Berzerker husses in at #14. Lawler charges Hennig and goes bye-bye. Everyone then gets sick of Hennig and gangs up on him to knock *him* out (with help from Lawler) to start a feud that didn’t actually go anywhere. The talent pool is really getting thin. Undertaker is in at #15 to clear out the deadwood. (2012 Scott sez:  My favorite subplot of Royal Rumble matches is generally the deadwood-clearing monster, because it speeds up the match and makes someone look awesome.)  Samu? Gone. Tenryu? Back to Japan. Terry Taylor is #16, and both he and Koko’s pants get dumped right away. Dibiase? Gone. Berzerker? Gone. Backlund is passed out on the outside and is probably the next target, when suddenly (as suddenly as he moves), Giant Gonzalez plods down in the goofy muscle suit and stares down the Undertaker. They fight and UT goes over the top to the shock of the crowd. (2012 Scott sez:  To the shock of me as well.  I was betting on him to win it at the time.)  Damien Demento is #17 and is smart enough to stay back. IRS is #18 and he too is smart enough to stay back. Finally, GG leaves and the legal men are IRS, Demento and Bob Backlund. T-t-t-t-t-t-tanka is #19, and Sags is #20 and jack shit is happening. Typhoon is #21 and Fatu is #22 and the crowd is getting actively restless at the lack of action. Guys lie on the ropes and yell at the camera in lieu of actual wrestling. (2012 Scott sez:  And this differs from a normal battle royale how…?) Earthquake is #23 and he goes right after Typhoon, which wakes up the crowd somewhat. Typhoon charges and goes over the top. Carlos Colon is #24 and Gorilla has the balls to call him a “youngster”. He dumps Demento. Tito Santana is #25 as Backlund dumps Fatu. Bob starts to get some serious face heat, as the crowd realizes he’s about 10 minutes away from breaking Ric Flair’s record. The crowd screams with every elimination tease. If Yokozuna wasn’t in this thing, I’d have pegged Bobby as the winner at this point. Rick Martel is #26 and with the lack of interesting talent the winner is becoming rapidly apparent. IRS charges Quake and goes out. Yokozuna is #27 and you can almost see the guys lining up as cannon fodder. Tatanka? Gone. Colon? Gone. Quake and Yoko do the big face-off. Owen Hart is #28. Quake? Gone. Repo Man is #29 and unless Hulk Hogan is behind that curtain, the crowd knows Yoko’s taking it. Everyone gangs up on Yoko in one last-ditch attempt, but no go. Randy Savage is #30. Santana? Gone. Sags? Gone. Owen? Gone. Repo Man? Gone. Backlund is still there and he dumps Martel to boot. We’re down to three, but then Backlund makes the stupid mistake of charging Yoko and goes flying. HUGE heel reaction for that one. But Backlund gets the longevity record. (2012 Scott sez:  Not to be broken until Chris Benoit and then Rey Mysterio after that.)  Yoko beats the living hell out of Savage, who then comes back with a couple of axehandles. Yoko with a savate kick, belly-to-belly and Hulkbuster legdrop. Savage is a big quivering mass of jelly. Yoko misses the avalanche, Savage with the big elbow and then he COVERS. What a fucking idiot. Yoko casually tosses him off and over the top rope in the process to win without really breaking a sweat. *** The Bottom Line: Pretty innocuous Rumble. A couple of good matches, but the Rumble itself was one of the worst. Bret-Razor seems more important in retrospect because Ramon actually gained credibility much later, when in fact his chances at the time were slim and none. Shawn-Marty was carried by Shawn, of course, and again seems more important in retrospective because Shawn didn’t gain credibility until 1994. Mildly recommended. (2012 Scott sez:  I don’t really see a recommendation here.) 

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1992 Live from Albany, NY Your hosts are Gorilla and Brain. Opening match: The New Foundation v. The Orient Express. Hart Foundation – Bret + Owen = New Foundation. (2012 Scott sez:  Although Owen later joined the real Hart Foundation, so the algebra got REALLY ugly at that point…) Owen and Kato do a wrestling sequence to start, with Owen working in the slingshot off the top rope to break a wristlock and a rana for two. Neidhart tags in and pounds on Tanaka. Bobby Heenan is bravely predicting a Flair victory tonight the whole time. Owen debuts his enzuigiri and leg lariat to “Oooos” from the fans. Cross-body off the top onto both Express members gets two. But the cheating Japanese duo (both of whom are from the southern US, btw) (2012 Scott sez:  A fertile breeding ground for many foreign heels) use Fuji’s cane to take control of Owen. Extended Ricky Morton heat segment on Owen as Kato turns back into Paul Diamond before our eyes and uses Americanized offense. Owen takes a nice shoulderfirst bump into the corner, where Fuji’s cane is set up. Owen makes the hot tag, slingshooting Neidhart in with a shoulderblock, then hits a plancha on Tanaka. The New Foundation finishes Kato off with a Rocket launcher shortly after. *** Review of Mountie’s mega-upset of Bret Hart for the Intercontinental title a few days prior. Bret was badly injured and sick and had to drop the title, and Mountie was lucky enough to be wrestling him that night. (2012 Scott sez:  Yeah, we later found out that Bret was full of crap and his “fever” was about as real as his “hardway” blood at Wrestlemania that year.  But for all the talk about Montreal and contracts, the crushing irony is that Hart was set to walk out on his valid WWF contract before the title change, taking the IC title with him to debut in WCW the next week before Vince managed to change his mind.   That would have been WCW’s revenge for the Flair belt controversy, I guess.  So there you go, feel free to use that one as a countpoint next time Montreal comes up.)  The honeymoon was not to last, however. Intercontinental title match: The Mountie v. Rowdy Roddy Piper. Mega-pop for Piper. Piper basically beats up Mountie at will, countering his wrestling stuff with punches, ramming him to the turnbuckle, and bulldogging him for two. Heenan’s banter as he tries to bribe Monsoon into letting him check on Flair is great. Piper misses a dropkick and Mountie takes over with the half-nelson smash into the turnbuckle. Flying elbow for two. This match is pretty disjointed, especially on two days’ notice. Piper atomic drops Mountie out, and he does the skin-the-cat back in. Mountie charges, but Piper moves and Mountie collides with Jimmy Hart, allowing him to slap on the sleeper. Mountie is out, and then Piper zaps him with the cattle prod for good measure. The pop from the crowd as Fink announces him as the new champion still gives me goosebumps. This was the one and only WWF title ever held by Piper. (2012 Scott sez:  This was of course written years before Piper got that tag title reign with Flair.)  Bad match, but who cares, it was such a great moment. *1/2 The Beverly Brothers v. The Bushwhackers. This is the Jameson match. Don’t ask. Don’t even ask. Shit happens and we’ll just pretend that an actual match happened here and move on with our lives. Beverlys win after about 7 hours with an axehandle off the top rope. I’ll be generous and go DUD (2012 Scott sez:  That was being REALLY generous.  Who the FUCK booked this match to go almost 20 minutes?!  I don’t know why they even bothered bringing Bloom & Enos in) WWF tag team title match: Legion of Doom v. The Natural Disasters. Typical LOD match as Hawk plays Ricky Morton. Match drags on until Hawk hits an elbow off the top on Earthquake and makes the hot tag. Animal with the flying shoulderblock, and everyone ends up outside the ring. Typhoon beats the count back in. Boring. 1/2* This was the first sign that the LOD was nearing the end. (2012 Scott sez:  There was all sorts of wacky stuff going on around this show, with Vince desperately trying to get the tag titles off the LOD in case Hawk self-destructed, as of course they finally convinced them to do the job to Dibiase & IRS on a house show where it would be filmed but then never aired as part of the deal.) Interview-o-rama. The Royal Rumble (winner gets vacant WWF title): This is course was set up after Hulk Hogan cheated to regain the title from Undertaker at “This Tuesday In Texas”. Jack Tunney (big boos) officially opens the match. And away we go. British Bulldog is #1 and Ted Dibiase is #2. Dibiase kills Bulldog and tosses him, but he lands on the apron, climbs in, and clotheslines Dibiase out. Ric Flair is #3 and Bobby has a heart attack. (2012 Scott sez:  One of the all-time great Bobby Heenan reactions there.)  Gorilla rubs it in. Bulldog goes right after Flair, destroying him with power moves until Flair starts a trend by lowblowing him. Nasty Boy Sags is #4. Flair and Sags double-team Bulldog. Bulldog knocks Sags out in short order and then goes back to Flair. Haku is #5. He beats on Bulldog and Flair until getting dumped by Bulldog. Shawn Michaels is #6. He and Flair immediately begin their selling contest by trading chops. Shawn goes over the top and back under the ropes a couple of times. Tito is #7 and of course he goes after Flair right away, like everyone else. Gorilla: “Some people just hate Flair less than others”. Ballshot #2 on Bulldog. Big “OOooooooh” from the males in the crowd for that one. Barbarian is #8. Gorilla (in ominous voice): “Barbarian doesn’t like Flair”. (2012 Scott sez:  That line slays me for some reason.  Just Gorilla’s glee at twisting the knife on Bobby.)  Another near-elimination for Shawn. Kerry Von Erich is #9, and one guess who he goes after. Flair Flop. Shawn does his own. Repo Man is #10. Nothing notable happens. Greg Valentine is #11 and he and Flair start trading chops. Another Flair flop. Nikolai Volkoff (subbing for Janetty) is #12. (2012 Scott sez:  Jannetty went through the Barbershop window, which is code for rehab, I guess.  Scott Hall has been thrown through windows on WWE’s dime quite a few times now.)  Flair and Valentine are trading some NASTY chops. Repo Man dumps Volkoff. Big Bossman is #13 and you can just guess who his target is. Repo Man dumps Valentine. Bossman dumps Repo Man. Flair dumps Bulldog, then Von Erich. Santana and Michaels eliminate each other. Whew. Hercules is #14 and he goes right after Flair. Flair is saved by Barbarian, and then turns on him. Oops. (2012 Scott sez:  It blows my mind how incredibly well booked this match was, with Flair being Flair even to the point where he would turn on a guy who is likely to rip his head off in retaliation.)  Barbarian kills him, but Herc dumps Barbarian and Bossman dumps Barbarian. We’re down to Flair and Bossman. Bossman wallops Flair, but misses a cross-body and flies out. Flair celebrates with a Flair flop.  (2012 Scott sez:  And again Bobby is in prime form, declaring Flair the winner before Gorilla puts him in his place again.)  Piper is #15 and the crowd erupts. Piper cleans Flair’s clock from one side of the ring to other. He even works in the eye poke off an atomic drop. Airplane spin and sleeper on Flair. Jake Roberts is #16 and he just sits back and lets Piper continue. Then he turns on him. Evil Jake was so cool. (2012 Scott sez:  What an awesomely booked match.  I’m sitting and picturing the whole sequence in my head and I don’t even have to watch it to relive how effective it was.)  Flair and Jake take turns turning on each other until Duggan comes in at #17. Flair is the punching bag as usual. IRS is #18. Snuka is #19. Not much going on. Heenan is having a nervous breakdown at this point. Snuka goes after Flair, of course. Undertaker is #20. Snuka is gone. UT chokes out Flair, who is saved by Duggan. UT no-sells all. Randy Savage is #21, but Jake Roberts is hiding outside the ring. Roberts comes in and Savage goes medieval on him, knocking him out with a high knee. Savage follows him out over the top, but the ruling is that Savage wasn’t thrown out. UT no-sells a ballshot from Flair. Berzerker is #22. Piper and UT do a double-choke on Flair, but UT doesn’t appreciate Piper’s sense of humor. (2012 Scott sez:  What a unique program that would have been.  Can you IMAGINE the crowd reaction if UT did the zombie situp and Piper poked him in the eye?  It would bring the house down.  It would have to end with Piper taking the most overblown tombstone bump ever and doing the job, but that would be a fun match, I’m pretty sure.)  Virgil is #23. Piper is beating on protégé Virgil. Col. Mustafa is #24, but no one cares. And why is Mustafa such a popular name in wrestling? Colonel, Saied, Kama…too many to count. (2012 Scott sez:  I guess I actually did count them.)  Rick Martel is #25. Savage eliminates Mustafa. Hulk Hogan is #26 to a big pop. He gets attacked by the Undertaker right away. Heenan starts bargaining with God to let Flair win. (2012 Scott sez:  All of Bobby’s greatest hits in one match!)  UT gets clotheslined out by Hulk. Berzerker gets backdropped out, allowing Hulk time to rip off the shirt. Duggan and Virgil eliminate each other. Skinner is #27, impressing no one. Sgt. Slaughter is #28, but the heat is gone at this point. Skinner gets dumped. Kind of a mish-mash of stuff going on. Sid is #29, and he hammers a variety of people. Warlord is #30, so our suspects are: Flair, Hogan, Warlord, IRS, Sid, Savage, Slaughter, Martel and Piper. Slaughter takes a dive over the top and out. 8 guys left and watching you’d have no idea who would win. Piper goes to the apron and pulls IRS out by his tie. 7 guys left. Hogan and Sid double-team Warlord out. 6 guys left. Martel and Piper fight on the ropes and Sid dumps them both. The Final four: Hulk, Savage, Sid and Flair. Sid dumps Savage as Flair and Hogan fight in the corner. Hogan gets Flair almost out…and Sid takes advantage and dumps Hulk! Hulk whines from the outside and won’t let go of Sid, so Flair comes from behind and dumps Sid to win the Royal Rumble and his first WWF title. Sid and Hulk get into a shoving contest in the ring, meanwhile, and the crowd is firmly behind Sid on this one. ***** Best Rumble ever. And the first serious backlash against Hogan from the fans. (2012 Scott sez:  And then the next night on RAW, they spent the whole show talking about how fans had the right to pay their money and boo whoever they wanted, then marketed shirts that said “Hogan Sucks” before wondering why people weren’t reacting to Hogan as strongly as they did before.  Oh, wait, sorry, that’s what they’d do NOW.) Backstage, Flair delivers his acceptance speech. The Bottom Line: The Rumble is great, the rest is bad. This show is pretty much universally loved, but the Rumble literally saved the show. But it saves it in a big way. Strongly recommended.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1992 Live from Albany, NY Your hosts are Gorilla and Brain. Opening match: The New Foundation v. The Orient Express. Hart Foundation – Bret + Owen = New Foundation. (2012 Scott sez:  Although Owen later joined the real Hart Foundation, so the algebra got REALLY ugly at that point…) Owen and Kato do a wrestling sequence to start, with Owen working in the slingshot off the top rope to break a wristlock and a rana for two. Neidhart tags in and pounds on Tanaka. Bobby Heenan is bravely predicting a Flair victory tonight the whole time. Owen debuts his enzuigiri and leg lariat to “Oooos” from the fans. Cross-body off the top onto both Express members gets two. But the cheating Japanese duo (both of whom are from the southern US, btw) (2012 Scott sez:  A fertile breeding ground for many foreign heels) use Fuji’s cane to take control of Owen. Extended Ricky Morton heat segment on Owen as Kato turns back into Paul Diamond before our eyes and uses Americanized offense. Owen takes a nice shoulderfirst bump into the corner, where Fuji’s cane is set up. Owen makes the hot tag, slingshooting Neidhart in with a shoulderblock, then hits a plancha on Tanaka. The New Foundation finishes Kato off with a Rocket launcher shortly after. *** Review of Mountie’s mega-upset of Bret Hart for the Intercontinental title a few days prior. Bret was badly injured and sick and had to drop the title, and Mountie was lucky enough to be wrestling him that night. (2012 Scott sez:  Yeah, we later found out that Bret was full of crap and his “fever” was about as real as his “hardway” blood at Wrestlemania that year.  But for all the talk about Montreal and contracts, the crushing irony is that Hart was set to walk out on his valid WWF contract before the title change, taking the IC title with him to debut in WCW the next week before Vince managed to change his mind.   That would have been WCW’s revenge for the Flair belt controversy, I guess.  So there you go, feel free to use that one as a countpoint next time Montreal comes up.)  The honeymoon was not to last, however. Intercontinental title match: The Mountie v. Rowdy Roddy Piper. Mega-pop for Piper. Piper basically beats up Mountie at will, countering his wrestling stuff with punches, ramming him to the turnbuckle, and bulldogging him for two. Heenan’s banter as he tries to bribe Monsoon into letting him check on Flair is great. Piper misses a dropkick and Mountie takes over with the half-nelson smash into the turnbuckle. Flying elbow for two. This match is pretty disjointed, especially on two days’ notice. Piper atomic drops Mountie out, and he does the skin-the-cat back in. Mountie charges, but Piper moves and Mountie collides with Jimmy Hart, allowing him to slap on the sleeper. Mountie is out, and then Piper zaps him with the cattle prod for good measure. The pop from the crowd as Fink announces him as the new champion still gives me goosebumps. This was the one and only WWF title ever held by Piper. (2012 Scott sez:  This was of course written years before Piper got that tag title reign with Flair.)  Bad match, but who cares, it was such a great moment. *1/2 The Beverly Brothers v. The Bushwhackers. This is the Jameson match. Don’t ask. Don’t even ask. Shit happens and we’ll just pretend that an actual match happened here and move on with our lives. Beverlys win after about 7 hours with an axehandle off the top rope. I’ll be generous and go DUD (2012 Scott sez:  That was being REALLY generous.  Who the FUCK booked this match to go almost 20 minutes?!  I don’t know why they even bothered bringing Bloom & Enos in) WWF tag team title match: Legion of Doom v. The Natural Disasters. Typical LOD match as Hawk plays Ricky Morton. Match drags on until Hawk hits an elbow off the top on Earthquake and makes the hot tag. Animal with the flying shoulderblock, and everyone ends up outside the ring. Typhoon beats the count back in. Boring. 1/2* This was the first sign that the LOD was nearing the end. (2012 Scott sez:  There was all sorts of wacky stuff going on around this show, with Vince desperately trying to get the tag titles off the LOD in case Hawk self-destructed, as of course they finally convinced them to do the job to Dibiase & IRS on a house show where it would be filmed but then never aired as part of the deal.) Interview-o-rama. The Royal Rumble (winner gets vacant WWF title): This is course was set up after Hulk Hogan cheated to regain the title from Undertaker at “This Tuesday In Texas”. Jack Tunney (big boos) officially opens the match. And away we go. British Bulldog is #1 and Ted Dibiase is #2. Dibiase kills Bulldog and tosses him, but he lands on the apron, climbs in, and clotheslines Dibiase out. Ric Flair is #3 and Bobby has a heart attack. (2012 Scott sez:  One of the all-time great Bobby Heenan reactions there.)  Gorilla rubs it in. Bulldog goes right after Flair, destroying him with power moves until Flair starts a trend by lowblowing him. Nasty Boy Sags is #4. Flair and Sags double-team Bulldog. Bulldog knocks Sags out in short order and then goes back to Flair. Haku is #5. He beats on Bulldog and Flair until getting dumped by Bulldog. Shawn Michaels is #6. He and Flair immediately begin their selling contest by trading chops. Shawn goes over the top and back under the ropes a couple of times. Tito is #7 and of course he goes after Flair right away, like everyone else. Gorilla: “Some people just hate Flair less than others”. Ballshot #2 on Bulldog. Big “OOooooooh” from the males in the crowd for that one. Barbarian is #8. Gorilla (in ominous voice): “Barbarian doesn’t like Flair”. (2012 Scott sez:  That line slays me for some reason.  Just Gorilla’s glee at twisting the knife on Bobby.)  Another near-elimination for Shawn. Kerry Von Erich is #9, and one guess who he goes after. Flair Flop. Shawn does his own. Repo Man is #10. Nothing notable happens. Greg Valentine is #11 and he and Flair start trading chops. Another Flair flop. Nikolai Volkoff (subbing for Janetty) is #12. (2012 Scott sez:  Jannetty went through the Barbershop window, which is code for rehab, I guess.  Scott Hall has been thrown through windows on WWE’s dime quite a few times now.)  Flair and Valentine are trading some NASTY chops. Repo Man dumps Volkoff. Big Bossman is #13 and you can just guess who his target is. Repo Man dumps Valentine. Bossman dumps Repo Man. Flair dumps Bulldog, then Von Erich. Santana and Michaels eliminate each other. Whew. Hercules is #14 and he goes right after Flair. Flair is saved by Barbarian, and then turns on him. Oops. (2012 Scott sez:  It blows my mind how incredibly well booked this match was, with Flair being Flair even to the point where he would turn on a guy who is likely to rip his head off in retaliation.)  Barbarian kills him, but Herc dumps Barbarian and Bossman dumps Barbarian. We’re down to Flair and Bossman. Bossman wallops Flair, but misses a cross-body and flies out. Flair celebrates with a Flair flop.  (2012 Scott sez:  And again Bobby is in prime form, declaring Flair the winner before Gorilla puts him in his place again.)  Piper is #15 and the crowd erupts. Piper cleans Flair’s clock from one side of the ring to other. He even works in the eye poke off an atomic drop. Airplane spin and sleeper on Flair. Jake Roberts is #16 and he just sits back and lets Piper continue. Then he turns on him. Evil Jake was so cool. (2012 Scott sez:  What an awesomely booked match.  I’m sitting and picturing the whole sequence in my head and I don’t even have to watch it to relive how effective it was.)  Flair and Jake take turns turning on each other until Duggan comes in at #17. Flair is the punching bag as usual. IRS is #18. Snuka is #19. Not much going on. Heenan is having a nervous breakdown at this point. Snuka goes after Flair, of course. Undertaker is #20. Snuka is gone. UT chokes out Flair, who is saved by Duggan. UT no-sells all. Randy Savage is #21, but Jake Roberts is hiding outside the ring. Roberts comes in and Savage goes medieval on him, knocking him out with a high knee. Savage follows him out over the top, but the ruling is that Savage wasn’t thrown out. UT no-sells a ballshot from Flair. Berzerker is #22. Piper and UT do a double-choke on Flair, but UT doesn’t appreciate Piper’s sense of humor. (2012 Scott sez:  What a unique program that would have been.  Can you IMAGINE the crowd reaction if UT did the zombie situp and Piper poked him in the eye?  It would bring the house down.  It would have to end with Piper taking the most overblown tombstone bump ever and doing the job, but that would be a fun match, I’m pretty sure.)  Virgil is #23. Piper is beating on protégé Virgil. Col. Mustafa is #24, but no one cares. And why is Mustafa such a popular name in wrestling? Colonel, Saied, Kama…too many to count. (2012 Scott sez:  I guess I actually did count them.)  Rick Martel is #25. Savage eliminates Mustafa. Hulk Hogan is #26 to a big pop. He gets attacked by the Undertaker right away. Heenan starts bargaining with God to let Flair win. (2012 Scott sez:  All of Bobby’s greatest hits in one match!)  UT gets clotheslined out by Hulk. Berzerker gets backdropped out, allowing Hulk time to rip off the shirt. Duggan and Virgil eliminate each other. Skinner is #27, impressing no one. Sgt. Slaughter is #28, but the heat is gone at this point. Skinner gets dumped. Kind of a mish-mash of stuff going on. Sid is #29, and he hammers a variety of people. Warlord is #30, so our suspects are: Flair, Hogan, Warlord, IRS, Sid, Savage, Slaughter, Martel and Piper. Slaughter takes a dive over the top and out. 8 guys left and watching you’d have no idea who would win. Piper goes to the apron and pulls IRS out by his tie. 7 guys left. Hogan and Sid double-team Warlord out. 6 guys left. Martel and Piper fight on the ropes and Sid dumps them both. The Final four: Hulk, Savage, Sid and Flair. Sid dumps Savage as Flair and Hogan fight in the corner. Hogan gets Flair almost out…and Sid takes advantage and dumps Hulk! Hulk whines from the outside and won’t let go of Sid, so Flair comes from behind and dumps Sid to win the Royal Rumble and his first WWF title. Sid and Hulk get into a shoving contest in the ring, meanwhile, and the crowd is firmly behind Sid on this one. ***** Best Rumble ever. And the first serious backlash against Hogan from the fans. (2012 Scott sez:  And then the next night on RAW, they spent the whole show talking about how fans had the right to pay their money and boo whoever they wanted, then marketed shirts that said “Hogan Sucks” before wondering why people weren’t reacting to Hogan as strongly as they did before.  Oh, wait, sorry, that’s what they’d do NOW.) Backstage, Flair delivers his acceptance speech. The Bottom Line: The Rumble is great, the rest is bad. This show is pretty much universally loved, but the Rumble literally saved the show. But it saves it in a big way. Strongly recommended.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1992 Live from Albany, NY Your hosts are Gorilla and Brain. Opening match: The New Foundation v. The Orient Express. Hart Foundation – Bret + Owen = New Foundation. (2012 Scott sez:  Although Owen later joined the real Hart Foundation, so the algebra got REALLY ugly at that point…) Owen and Kato do a wrestling sequence to start, with Owen working in the slingshot off the top rope to break a wristlock and a rana for two. Neidhart tags in and pounds on Tanaka. Bobby Heenan is bravely predicting a Flair victory tonight the whole time. Owen debuts his enzuigiri and leg lariat to “Oooos” from the fans. Cross-body off the top onto both Express members gets two. But the cheating Japanese duo (both of whom are from the southern US, btw) (2012 Scott sez:  A fertile breeding ground for many foreign heels) use Fuji’s cane to take control of Owen. Extended Ricky Morton heat segment on Owen as Kato turns back into Paul Diamond before our eyes and uses Americanized offense. Owen takes a nice shoulderfirst bump into the corner, where Fuji’s cane is set up. Owen makes the hot tag, slingshooting Neidhart in with a shoulderblock, then hits a plancha on Tanaka. The New Foundation finishes Kato off with a Rocket launcher shortly after. *** Review of Mountie’s mega-upset of Bret Hart for the Intercontinental title a few days prior. Bret was badly injured and sick and had to drop the title, and Mountie was lucky enough to be wrestling him that night. (2012 Scott sez:  Yeah, we later found out that Bret was full of crap and his “fever” was about as real as his “hardway” blood at Wrestlemania that year.  But for all the talk about Montreal and contracts, the crushing irony is that Hart was set to walk out on his valid WWF contract before the title change, taking the IC title with him to debut in WCW the next week before Vince managed to change his mind.   That would have been WCW’s revenge for the Flair belt controversy, I guess.  So there you go, feel free to use that one as a countpoint next time Montreal comes up.)  The honeymoon was not to last, however. Intercontinental title match: The Mountie v. Rowdy Roddy Piper. Mega-pop for Piper. Piper basically beats up Mountie at will, countering his wrestling stuff with punches, ramming him to the turnbuckle, and bulldogging him for two. Heenan’s banter as he tries to bribe Monsoon into letting him check on Flair is great. Piper misses a dropkick and Mountie takes over with the half-nelson smash into the turnbuckle. Flying elbow for two. This match is pretty disjointed, especially on two days’ notice. Piper atomic drops Mountie out, and he does the skin-the-cat back in. Mountie charges, but Piper moves and Mountie collides with Jimmy Hart, allowing him to slap on the sleeper. Mountie is out, and then Piper zaps him with the cattle prod for good measure. The pop from the crowd as Fink announces him as the new champion still gives me goosebumps. This was the one and only WWF title ever held by Piper. (2012 Scott sez:  This was of course written years before Piper got that tag title reign with Flair.)  Bad match, but who cares, it was such a great moment. *1/2 The Beverly Brothers v. The Bushwhackers. This is the Jameson match. Don’t ask. Don’t even ask. Shit happens and we’ll just pretend that an actual match happened here and move on with our lives. Beverlys win after about 7 hours with an axehandle off the top rope. I’ll be generous and go DUD (2012 Scott sez:  That was being REALLY generous.  Who the FUCK booked this match to go almost 20 minutes?!  I don’t know why they even bothered bringing Bloom & Enos in) WWF tag team title match: Legion of Doom v. The Natural Disasters. Typical LOD match as Hawk plays Ricky Morton. Match drags on until Hawk hits an elbow off the top on Earthquake and makes the hot tag. Animal with the flying shoulderblock, and everyone ends up outside the ring. Typhoon beats the count back in. Boring. 1/2* This was the first sign that the LOD was nearing the end. (2012 Scott sez:  There was all sorts of wacky stuff going on around this show, with Vince desperately trying to get the tag titles off the LOD in case Hawk self-destructed, as of course they finally convinced them to do the job to Dibiase & IRS on a house show where it would be filmed but then never aired as part of the deal.) Interview-o-rama. The Royal Rumble (winner gets vacant WWF title): This is course was set up after Hulk Hogan cheated to regain the title from Undertaker at “This Tuesday In Texas”. Jack Tunney (big boos) officially opens the match. And away we go. British Bulldog is #1 and Ted Dibiase is #2. Dibiase kills Bulldog and tosses him, but he lands on the apron, climbs in, and clotheslines Dibiase out. Ric Flair is #3 and Bobby has a heart attack. (2012 Scott sez:  One of the all-time great Bobby Heenan reactions there.)  Gorilla rubs it in. Bulldog goes right after Flair, destroying him with power moves until Flair starts a trend by lowblowing him. Nasty Boy Sags is #4. Flair and Sags double-team Bulldog. Bulldog knocks Sags out in short order and then goes back to Flair. Haku is #5. He beats on Bulldog and Flair until getting dumped by Bulldog. Shawn Michaels is #6. He and Flair immediately begin their selling contest by trading chops. Shawn goes over the top and back under the ropes a couple of times. Tito is #7 and of course he goes after Flair right away, like everyone else. Gorilla: “Some people just hate Flair less than others”. Ballshot #2 on Bulldog. Big “OOooooooh” from the males in the crowd for that one. Barbarian is #8. Gorilla (in ominous voice): “Barbarian doesn’t like Flair”. (2012 Scott sez:  That line slays me for some reason.  Just Gorilla’s glee at twisting the knife on Bobby.)  Another near-elimination for Shawn. Kerry Von Erich is #9, and one guess who he goes after. Flair Flop. Shawn does his own. Repo Man is #10. Nothing notable happens. Greg Valentine is #11 and he and Flair start trading chops. Another Flair flop. Nikolai Volkoff (subbing for Janetty) is #12. (2012 Scott sez:  Jannetty went through the Barbershop window, which is code for rehab, I guess.  Scott Hall has been thrown through windows on WWE’s dime quite a few times now.)  Flair and Valentine are trading some NASTY chops. Repo Man dumps Volkoff. Big Bossman is #13 and you can just guess who his target is. Repo Man dumps Valentine. Bossman dumps Repo Man. Flair dumps Bulldog, then Von Erich. Santana and Michaels eliminate each other. Whew. Hercules is #14 and he goes right after Flair. Flair is saved by Barbarian, and then turns on him. Oops. (2012 Scott sez:  It blows my mind how incredibly well booked this match was, with Flair being Flair even to the point where he would turn on a guy who is likely to rip his head off in retaliation.)  Barbarian kills him, but Herc dumps Barbarian and Bossman dumps Barbarian. We’re down to Flair and Bossman. Bossman wallops Flair, but misses a cross-body and flies out. Flair celebrates with a Flair flop.  (2012 Scott sez:  And again Bobby is in prime form, declaring Flair the winner before Gorilla puts him in his place again.)  Piper is #15 and the crowd erupts. Piper cleans Flair’s clock from one side of the ring to other. He even works in the eye poke off an atomic drop. Airplane spin and sleeper on Flair. Jake Roberts is #16 and he just sits back and lets Piper continue. Then he turns on him. Evil Jake was so cool. (2012 Scott sez:  What an awesomely booked match.  I’m sitting and picturing the whole sequence in my head and I don’t even have to watch it to relive how effective it was.)  Flair and Jake take turns turning on each other until Duggan comes in at #17. Flair is the punching bag as usual. IRS is #18. Snuka is #19. Not much going on. Heenan is having a nervous breakdown at this point. Snuka goes after Flair, of course. Undertaker is #20. Snuka is gone. UT chokes out Flair, who is saved by Duggan. UT no-sells all. Randy Savage is #21, but Jake Roberts is hiding outside the ring. Roberts comes in and Savage goes medieval on him, knocking him out with a high knee. Savage follows him out over the top, but the ruling is that Savage wasn’t thrown out. UT no-sells a ballshot from Flair. Berzerker is #22. Piper and UT do a double-choke on Flair, but UT doesn’t appreciate Piper’s sense of humor. (2012 Scott sez:  What a unique program that would have been.  Can you IMAGINE the crowd reaction if UT did the zombie situp and Piper poked him in the eye?  It would bring the house down.  It would have to end with Piper taking the most overblown tombstone bump ever and doing the job, but that would be a fun match, I’m pretty sure.)  Virgil is #23. Piper is beating on protégé Virgil. Col. Mustafa is #24, but no one cares. And why is Mustafa such a popular name in wrestling? Colonel, Saied, Kama…too many to count. (2012 Scott sez:  I guess I actually did count them.)  Rick Martel is #25. Savage eliminates Mustafa. Hulk Hogan is #26 to a big pop. He gets attacked by the Undertaker right away. Heenan starts bargaining with God to let Flair win. (2012 Scott sez:  All of Bobby’s greatest hits in one match!)  UT gets clotheslined out by Hulk. Berzerker gets backdropped out, allowing Hulk time to rip off the shirt. Duggan and Virgil eliminate each other. Skinner is #27, impressing no one. Sgt. Slaughter is #28, but the heat is gone at this point. Skinner gets dumped. Kind of a mish-mash of stuff going on. Sid is #29, and he hammers a variety of people. Warlord is #30, so our suspects are: Flair, Hogan, Warlord, IRS, Sid, Savage, Slaughter, Martel and Piper. Slaughter takes a dive over the top and out. 8 guys left and watching you’d have no idea who would win. Piper goes to the apron and pulls IRS out by his tie. 7 guys left. Hogan and Sid double-team Warlord out. 6 guys left. Martel and Piper fight on the ropes and Sid dumps them both. The Final four: Hulk, Savage, Sid and Flair. Sid dumps Savage as Flair and Hogan fight in the corner. Hogan gets Flair almost out…and Sid takes advantage and dumps Hulk! Hulk whines from the outside and won’t let go of Sid, so Flair comes from behind and dumps Sid to win the Royal Rumble and his first WWF title. Sid and Hulk get into a shoving contest in the ring, meanwhile, and the crowd is firmly behind Sid on this one. ***** Best Rumble ever. And the first serious backlash against Hogan from the fans. (2012 Scott sez:  And then the next night on RAW, they spent the whole show talking about how fans had the right to pay their money and boo whoever they wanted, then marketed shirts that said “Hogan Sucks” before wondering why people weren’t reacting to Hogan as strongly as they did before.  Oh, wait, sorry, that’s what they’d do NOW.) Backstage, Flair delivers his acceptance speech. The Bottom Line: The Rumble is great, the rest is bad. This show is pretty much universally loved, but the Rumble literally saved the show. But it saves it in a big way. Strongly recommended.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1992 Live from Albany, NY Your hosts are Gorilla and Brain. Opening match: The New Foundation v. The Orient Express. Hart Foundation – Bret + Owen = New Foundation. (2012 Scott sez:  Although Owen later joined the real Hart Foundation, so the algebra got REALLY ugly at that point…) Owen and Kato do a wrestling sequence to start, with Owen working in the slingshot off the top rope to break a wristlock and a rana for two. Neidhart tags in and pounds on Tanaka. Bobby Heenan is bravely predicting a Flair victory tonight the whole time. Owen debuts his enzuigiri and leg lariat to “Oooos” from the fans. Cross-body off the top onto both Express members gets two. But the cheating Japanese duo (both of whom are from the southern US, btw) (2012 Scott sez:  A fertile breeding ground for many foreign heels) use Fuji’s cane to take control of Owen. Extended Ricky Morton heat segment on Owen as Kato turns back into Paul Diamond before our eyes and uses Americanized offense. Owen takes a nice shoulderfirst bump into the corner, where Fuji’s cane is set up. Owen makes the hot tag, slingshooting Neidhart in with a shoulderblock, then hits a plancha on Tanaka. The New Foundation finishes Kato off with a Rocket launcher shortly after. *** Review of Mountie’s mega-upset of Bret Hart for the Intercontinental title a few days prior. Bret was badly injured and sick and had to drop the title, and Mountie was lucky enough to be wrestling him that night. (2012 Scott sez:  Yeah, we later found out that Bret was full of crap and his “fever” was about as real as his “hardway” blood at Wrestlemania that year.  But for all the talk about Montreal and contracts, the crushing irony is that Hart was set to walk out on his valid WWF contract before the title change, taking the IC title with him to debut in WCW the next week before Vince managed to change his mind.   That would have been WCW’s revenge for the Flair belt controversy, I guess.  So there you go, feel free to use that one as a countpoint next time Montreal comes up.)  The honeymoon was not to last, however. Intercontinental title match: The Mountie v. Rowdy Roddy Piper. Mega-pop for Piper. Piper basically beats up Mountie at will, countering his wrestling stuff with punches, ramming him to the turnbuckle, and bulldogging him for two. Heenan’s banter as he tries to bribe Monsoon into letting him check on Flair is great. Piper misses a dropkick and Mountie takes over with the half-nelson smash into the turnbuckle. Flying elbow for two. This match is pretty disjointed, especially on two days’ notice. Piper atomic drops Mountie out, and he does the skin-the-cat back in. Mountie charges, but Piper moves and Mountie collides with Jimmy Hart, allowing him to slap on the sleeper. Mountie is out, and then Piper zaps him with the cattle prod for good measure. The pop from the crowd as Fink announces him as the new champion still gives me goosebumps. This was the one and only WWF title ever held by Piper. (2012 Scott sez:  This was of course written years before Piper got that tag title reign with Flair.)  Bad match, but who cares, it was such a great moment. *1/2 The Beverly Brothers v. The Bushwhackers. This is the Jameson match. Don’t ask. Don’t even ask. Shit happens and we’ll just pretend that an actual match happened here and move on with our lives. Beverlys win after about 7 hours with an axehandle off the top rope. I’ll be generous and go DUD (2012 Scott sez:  That was being REALLY generous.  Who the FUCK booked this match to go almost 20 minutes?!  I don’t know why they even bothered bringing Bloom & Enos in) WWF tag team title match: Legion of Doom v. The Natural Disasters. Typical LOD match as Hawk plays Ricky Morton. Match drags on until Hawk hits an elbow off the top on Earthquake and makes the hot tag. Animal with the flying shoulderblock, and everyone ends up outside the ring. Typhoon beats the count back in. Boring. 1/2* This was the first sign that the LOD was nearing the end. (2012 Scott sez:  There was all sorts of wacky stuff going on around this show, with Vince desperately trying to get the tag titles off the LOD in case Hawk self-destructed, as of course they finally convinced them to do the job to Dibiase & IRS on a house show where it would be filmed but then never aired as part of the deal.) Interview-o-rama. The Royal Rumble (winner gets vacant WWF title): This is course was set up after Hulk Hogan cheated to regain the title from Undertaker at “This Tuesday In Texas”. Jack Tunney (big boos) officially opens the match. And away we go. British Bulldog is #1 and Ted Dibiase is #2. Dibiase kills Bulldog and tosses him, but he lands on the apron, climbs in, and clotheslines Dibiase out. Ric Flair is #3 and Bobby has a heart attack. (2012 Scott sez:  One of the all-time great Bobby Heenan reactions there.)  Gorilla rubs it in. Bulldog goes right after Flair, destroying him with power moves until Flair starts a trend by lowblowing him. Nasty Boy Sags is #4. Flair and Sags double-team Bulldog. Bulldog knocks Sags out in short order and then goes back to Flair. Haku is #5. He beats on Bulldog and Flair until getting dumped by Bulldog. Shawn Michaels is #6. He and Flair immediately begin their selling contest by trading chops. Shawn goes over the top and back under the ropes a couple of times. Tito is #7 and of course he goes after Flair right away, like everyone else. Gorilla: “Some people just hate Flair less than others”. Ballshot #2 on Bulldog. Big “OOooooooh” from the males in the crowd for that one. Barbarian is #8. Gorilla (in ominous voice): “Barbarian doesn’t like Flair”. (2012 Scott sez:  That line slays me for some reason.  Just Gorilla’s glee at twisting the knife on Bobby.)  Another near-elimination for Shawn. Kerry Von Erich is #9, and one guess who he goes after. Flair Flop. Shawn does his own. Repo Man is #10. Nothing notable happens. Greg Valentine is #11 and he and Flair start trading chops. Another Flair flop. Nikolai Volkoff (subbing for Janetty) is #12. (2012 Scott sez:  Jannetty went through the Barbershop window, which is code for rehab, I guess.  Scott Hall has been thrown through windows on WWE’s dime quite a few times now.)  Flair and Valentine are trading some NASTY chops. Repo Man dumps Volkoff. Big Bossman is #13 and you can just guess who his target is. Repo Man dumps Valentine. Bossman dumps Repo Man. Flair dumps Bulldog, then Von Erich. Santana and Michaels eliminate each other. Whew. Hercules is #14 and he goes right after Flair. Flair is saved by Barbarian, and then turns on him. Oops. (2012 Scott sez:  It blows my mind how incredibly well booked this match was, with Flair being Flair even to the point where he would turn on a guy who is likely to rip his head off in retaliation.)  Barbarian kills him, but Herc dumps Barbarian and Bossman dumps Barbarian. We’re down to Flair and Bossman. Bossman wallops Flair, but misses a cross-body and flies out. Flair celebrates with a Flair flop.  (2012 Scott sez:  And again Bobby is in prime form, declaring Flair the winner before Gorilla puts him in his place again.)  Piper is #15 and the crowd erupts. Piper cleans Flair’s clock from one side of the ring to other. He even works in the eye poke off an atomic drop. Airplane spin and sleeper on Flair. Jake Roberts is #16 and he just sits back and lets Piper continue. Then he turns on him. Evil Jake was so cool. (2012 Scott sez:  What an awesomely booked match.  I’m sitting and picturing the whole sequence in my head and I don’t even have to watch it to relive how effective it was.)  Flair and Jake take turns turning on each other until Duggan comes in at #17. Flair is the punching bag as usual. IRS is #18. Snuka is #19. Not much going on. Heenan is having a nervous breakdown at this point. Snuka goes after Flair, of course. Undertaker is #20. Snuka is gone. UT chokes out Flair, who is saved by Duggan. UT no-sells all. Randy Savage is #21, but Jake Roberts is hiding outside the ring. Roberts comes in and Savage goes medieval on him, knocking him out with a high knee. Savage follows him out over the top, but the ruling is that Savage wasn’t thrown out. UT no-sells a ballshot from Flair. Berzerker is #22. Piper and UT do a double-choke on Flair, but UT doesn’t appreciate Piper’s sense of humor. (2012 Scott sez:  What a unique program that would have been.  Can you IMAGINE the crowd reaction if UT did the zombie situp and Piper poked him in the eye?  It would bring the house down.  It would have to end with Piper taking the most overblown tombstone bump ever and doing the job, but that would be a fun match, I’m pretty sure.)  Virgil is #23. Piper is beating on protégé Virgil. Col. Mustafa is #24, but no one cares. And why is Mustafa such a popular name in wrestling? Colonel, Saied, Kama…too many to count. (2012 Scott sez:  I guess I actually did count them.)  Rick Martel is #25. Savage eliminates Mustafa. Hulk Hogan is #26 to a big pop. He gets attacked by the Undertaker right away. Heenan starts bargaining with God to let Flair win. (2012 Scott sez:  All of Bobby’s greatest hits in one match!)  UT gets clotheslined out by Hulk. Berzerker gets backdropped out, allowing Hulk time to rip off the shirt. Duggan and Virgil eliminate each other. Skinner is #27, impressing no one. Sgt. Slaughter is #28, but the heat is gone at this point. Skinner gets dumped. Kind of a mish-mash of stuff going on. Sid is #29, and he hammers a variety of people. Warlord is #30, so our suspects are: Flair, Hogan, Warlord, IRS, Sid, Savage, Slaughter, Martel and Piper. Slaughter takes a dive over the top and out. 8 guys left and watching you’d have no idea who would win. Piper goes to the apron and pulls IRS out by his tie. 7 guys left. Hogan and Sid double-team Warlord out. 6 guys left. Martel and Piper fight on the ropes and Sid dumps them both. The Final four: Hulk, Savage, Sid and Flair. Sid dumps Savage as Flair and Hogan fight in the corner. Hogan gets Flair almost out…and Sid takes advantage and dumps Hulk! Hulk whines from the outside and won’t let go of Sid, so Flair comes from behind and dumps Sid to win the Royal Rumble and his first WWF title. Sid and Hulk get into a shoving contest in the ring, meanwhile, and the crowd is firmly behind Sid on this one. ***** Best Rumble ever. And the first serious backlash against Hogan from the fans. (2012 Scott sez:  And then the next night on RAW, they spent the whole show talking about how fans had the right to pay their money and boo whoever they wanted, then marketed shirts that said “Hogan Sucks” before wondering why people weren’t reacting to Hogan as strongly as they did before.  Oh, wait, sorry, that’s what they’d do NOW.) Backstage, Flair delivers his acceptance speech. The Bottom Line: The Rumble is great, the rest is bad. This show is pretty much universally loved, but the Rumble literally saved the show. But it saves it in a big way. Strongly recommended.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1992 Live from Albany, NY Your hosts are Gorilla and Brain. Opening match: The New Foundation v. The Orient Express. Hart Foundation – Bret + Owen = New Foundation. (2012 Scott sez:  Although Owen later joined the real Hart Foundation, so the algebra got REALLY ugly at that point…) Owen and Kato do a wrestling sequence to start, with Owen working in the slingshot off the top rope to break a wristlock and a rana for two. Neidhart tags in and pounds on Tanaka. Bobby Heenan is bravely predicting a Flair victory tonight the whole time. Owen debuts his enzuigiri and leg lariat to “Oooos” from the fans. Cross-body off the top onto both Express members gets two. But the cheating Japanese duo (both of whom are from the southern US, btw) (2012 Scott sez:  A fertile breeding ground for many foreign heels) use Fuji’s cane to take control of Owen. Extended Ricky Morton heat segment on Owen as Kato turns back into Paul Diamond before our eyes and uses Americanized offense. Owen takes a nice shoulderfirst bump into the corner, where Fuji’s cane is set up. Owen makes the hot tag, slingshooting Neidhart in with a shoulderblock, then hits a plancha on Tanaka. The New Foundation finishes Kato off with a Rocket launcher shortly after. *** Review of Mountie’s mega-upset of Bret Hart for the Intercontinental title a few days prior. Bret was badly injured and sick and had to drop the title, and Mountie was lucky enough to be wrestling him that night. (2012 Scott sez:  Yeah, we later found out that Bret was full of crap and his “fever” was about as real as his “hardway” blood at Wrestlemania that year.  But for all the talk about Montreal and contracts, the crushing irony is that Hart was set to walk out on his valid WWF contract before the title change, taking the IC title with him to debut in WCW the next week before Vince managed to change his mind.   That would have been WCW’s revenge for the Flair belt controversy, I guess.  So there you go, feel free to use that one as a countpoint next time Montreal comes up.)  The honeymoon was not to last, however. Intercontinental title match: The Mountie v. Rowdy Roddy Piper. Mega-pop for Piper. Piper basically beats up Mountie at will, countering his wrestling stuff with punches, ramming him to the turnbuckle, and bulldogging him for two. Heenan’s banter as he tries to bribe Monsoon into letting him check on Flair is great. Piper misses a dropkick and Mountie takes over with the half-nelson smash into the turnbuckle. Flying elbow for two. This match is pretty disjointed, especially on two days’ notice. Piper atomic drops Mountie out, and he does the skin-the-cat back in. Mountie charges, but Piper moves and Mountie collides with Jimmy Hart, allowing him to slap on the sleeper. Mountie is out, and then Piper zaps him with the cattle prod for good measure. The pop from the crowd as Fink announces him as the new champion still gives me goosebumps. This was the one and only WWF title ever held by Piper. (2012 Scott sez:  This was of course written years before Piper got that tag title reign with Flair.)  Bad match, but who cares, it was such a great moment. *1/2 The Beverly Brothers v. The Bushwhackers. This is the Jameson match. Don’t ask. Don’t even ask. Shit happens and we’ll just pretend that an actual match happened here and move on with our lives. Beverlys win after about 7 hours with an axehandle off the top rope. I’ll be generous and go DUD (2012 Scott sez:  That was being REALLY generous.  Who the FUCK booked this match to go almost 20 minutes?!  I don’t know why they even bothered bringing Bloom & Enos in) WWF tag team title match: Legion of Doom v. The Natural Disasters. Typical LOD match as Hawk plays Ricky Morton. Match drags on until Hawk hits an elbow off the top on Earthquake and makes the hot tag. Animal with the flying shoulderblock, and everyone ends up outside the ring. Typhoon beats the count back in. Boring. 1/2* This was the first sign that the LOD was nearing the end. (2012 Scott sez:  There was all sorts of wacky stuff going on around this show, with Vince desperately trying to get the tag titles off the LOD in case Hawk self-destructed, as of course they finally convinced them to do the job to Dibiase & IRS on a house show where it would be filmed but then never aired as part of the deal.) Interview-o-rama. The Royal Rumble (winner gets vacant WWF title): This is course was set up after Hulk Hogan cheated to regain the title from Undertaker at “This Tuesday In Texas”. Jack Tunney (big boos) officially opens the match. And away we go. British Bulldog is #1 and Ted Dibiase is #2. Dibiase kills Bulldog and tosses him, but he lands on the apron, climbs in, and clotheslines Dibiase out. Ric Flair is #3 and Bobby has a heart attack. (2012 Scott sez:  One of the all-time great Bobby Heenan reactions there.)  Gorilla rubs it in. Bulldog goes right after Flair, destroying him with power moves until Flair starts a trend by lowblowing him. Nasty Boy Sags is #4. Flair and Sags double-team Bulldog. Bulldog knocks Sags out in short order and then goes back to Flair. Haku is #5. He beats on Bulldog and Flair until getting dumped by Bulldog. Shawn Michaels is #6. He and Flair immediately begin their selling contest by trading chops. Shawn goes over the top and back under the ropes a couple of times. Tito is #7 and of course he goes after Flair right away, like everyone else. Gorilla: “Some people just hate Flair less than others”. Ballshot #2 on Bulldog. Big “OOooooooh” from the males in the crowd for that one. Barbarian is #8. Gorilla (in ominous voice): “Barbarian doesn’t like Flair”. (2012 Scott sez:  That line slays me for some reason.  Just Gorilla’s glee at twisting the knife on Bobby.)  Another near-elimination for Shawn. Kerry Von Erich is #9, and one guess who he goes after. Flair Flop. Shawn does his own. Repo Man is #10. Nothing notable happens. Greg Valentine is #11 and he and Flair start trading chops. Another Flair flop. Nikolai Volkoff (subbing for Janetty) is #12. (2012 Scott sez:  Jannetty went through the Barbershop window, which is code for rehab, I guess.  Scott Hall has been thrown through windows on WWE’s dime quite a few times now.)  Flair and Valentine are trading some NASTY chops. Repo Man dumps Volkoff. Big Bossman is #13 and you can just guess who his target is. Repo Man dumps Valentine. Bossman dumps Repo Man. Flair dumps Bulldog, then Von Erich. Santana and Michaels eliminate each other. Whew. Hercules is #14 and he goes right after Flair. Flair is saved by Barbarian, and then turns on him. Oops. (2012 Scott sez:  It blows my mind how incredibly well booked this match was, with Flair being Flair even to the point where he would turn on a guy who is likely to rip his head off in retaliation.)  Barbarian kills him, but Herc dumps Barbarian and Bossman dumps Barbarian. We’re down to Flair and Bossman. Bossman wallops Flair, but misses a cross-body and flies out. Flair celebrates with a Flair flop.  (2012 Scott sez:  And again Bobby is in prime form, declaring Flair the winner before Gorilla puts him in his place again.)  Piper is #15 and the crowd erupts. Piper cleans Flair’s clock from one side of the ring to other. He even works in the eye poke off an atomic drop. Airplane spin and sleeper on Flair. Jake Roberts is #16 and he just sits back and lets Piper continue. Then he turns on him. Evil Jake was so cool. (2012 Scott sez:  What an awesomely booked match.  I’m sitting and picturing the whole sequence in my head and I don’t even have to watch it to relive how effective it was.)  Flair and Jake take turns turning on each other until Duggan comes in at #17. Flair is the punching bag as usual. IRS is #18. Snuka is #19. Not much going on. Heenan is having a nervous breakdown at this point. Snuka goes after Flair, of course. Undertaker is #20. Snuka is gone. UT chokes out Flair, who is saved by Duggan. UT no-sells all. Randy Savage is #21, but Jake Roberts is hiding outside the ring. Roberts comes in and Savage goes medieval on him, knocking him out with a high knee. Savage follows him out over the top, but the ruling is that Savage wasn’t thrown out. UT no-sells a ballshot from Flair. Berzerker is #22. Piper and UT do a double-choke on Flair, but UT doesn’t appreciate Piper’s sense of humor. (2012 Scott sez:  What a unique program that would have been.  Can you IMAGINE the crowd reaction if UT did the zombie situp and Piper poked him in the eye?  It would bring the house down.  It would have to end with Piper taking the most overblown tombstone bump ever and doing the job, but that would be a fun match, I’m pretty sure.)  Virgil is #23. Piper is beating on protégé Virgil. Col. Mustafa is #24, but no one cares. And why is Mustafa such a popular name in wrestling? Colonel, Saied, Kama…too many to count. (2012 Scott sez:  I guess I actually did count them.)  Rick Martel is #25. Savage eliminates Mustafa. Hulk Hogan is #26 to a big pop. He gets attacked by the Undertaker right away. Heenan starts bargaining with God to let Flair win. (2012 Scott sez:  All of Bobby’s greatest hits in one match!)  UT gets clotheslined out by Hulk. Berzerker gets backdropped out, allowing Hulk time to rip off the shirt. Duggan and Virgil eliminate each other. Skinner is #27, impressing no one. Sgt. Slaughter is #28, but the heat is gone at this point. Skinner gets dumped. Kind of a mish-mash of stuff going on. Sid is #29, and he hammers a variety of people. Warlord is #30, so our suspects are: Flair, Hogan, Warlord, IRS, Sid, Savage, Slaughter, Martel and Piper. Slaughter takes a dive over the top and out. 8 guys left and watching you’d have no idea who would win. Piper goes to the apron and pulls IRS out by his tie. 7 guys left. Hogan and Sid double-team Warlord out. 6 guys left. Martel and Piper fight on the ropes and Sid dumps them both. The Final four: Hulk, Savage, Sid and Flair. Sid dumps Savage as Flair and Hogan fight in the corner. Hogan gets Flair almost out…and Sid takes advantage and dumps Hulk! Hulk whines from the outside and won’t let go of Sid, so Flair comes from behind and dumps Sid to win the Royal Rumble and his first WWF title. Sid and Hulk get into a shoving contest in the ring, meanwhile, and the crowd is firmly behind Sid on this one. ***** Best Rumble ever. And the first serious backlash against Hogan from the fans. (2012 Scott sez:  And then the next night on RAW, they spent the whole show talking about how fans had the right to pay their money and boo whoever they wanted, then marketed shirts that said “Hogan Sucks” before wondering why people weren’t reacting to Hogan as strongly as they did before.  Oh, wait, sorry, that’s what they’d do NOW.) Backstage, Flair delivers his acceptance speech. The Bottom Line: The Rumble is great, the rest is bad. This show is pretty much universally loved, but the Rumble literally saved the show. But it saves it in a big way. Strongly recommended.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1991 (2012 Scott sez:  I find this rant a tad embarrassing at times, actually.)  Live from Miami, Florida, bastion of Americana and/or old people. Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Roddy Piper. This show is, of course, in the thick of the Gulf War and the Sgt. Slaughter storyline, and hence the crowd is in full xenophobic form. Opening match: The Rockers v. The New Orient Express. This is the PPV debut of Paul Diamond as the masked Kato, thus reuniting the awesome Badd Company too late to do any good. Rockers start out with a double pescado and then Jannetty and Diamond show off a wrestling sequence. Michaels tags in and wallops on Tanaka for a while, but he goes for the sleeper, which never leads to anything good this early in the match. Sure enough, Kato comes in and nails Michaels, turning the tide. Then a terrific, luchaesque sequence erupts as the four guys do a complex bit with a double whip, dosee-do, and double atomic drop. The Orients escape and the Rockers follow with stereo topes. Great stuff. Some putz yells “boring” as Shawn takes a 5 second rest with a headlock. Shawn goes for the TEN PUNCHES OF DOOM on Kato but Tanaka pulls him down from the outside and clotheslines him on the top rope, then whacks him with the cane for good measure. Big heat for that. Shawn assumes the Ricky Morton role. Neat sequence as Shawn does a Flair flip and then gets kicked by Tanaka on the outside and flips back into the ring. he works in the triple somersault clothesline sell, of course. Marty gets the hot tag and gets several two counts on Kato. Tanaka kicks Marty in the face to give Kato a backslide two-count. Kato slingshots Jannetty into a Tanaka chop, then in a spectacular ending, Kato slingshots Jannetty again, but Shawn hits Tanaka in the gut to bend him over and Jannetty goes with the momentum and sunset flips Tanaka for the pin. Has to be seen to be appreciated. **** (2012 Scott sez:  I think I may have even UNDER-rated this one, as I think it was on another Shawn Michaels DVD later and I had it about ****1/4 on second viewing.)  Macho Man wants a title shot, so he sends Sherri out to announce that Sgt. Slaughter has agreed to give him a title shot when he wins the title. But to cover their bases, she calls out Ultimate Warrior to challenge him to a title match in case *he* wins. She proceeds to seduce him (with Terri Runnels-level acting) (2012 Scott sez:  Terri wasn’t a particularly convincing actress on RAW, you see.)  and beg for a Macho Man title match. The thought of Sherri on her knees almost makes me vomit my Rolo. (2012 Scott sez:  What is with me and Rolo in 1999?  I don’t even particularly like caramel-based chocolates anymore.)  Warrior yells “Noooooooooooo” to her request, and Savage flips out in the back. This becomes important later. Big Bossman v. The Barbarian. This would be the middle of Bossman’s peak period in the WWF, as he systemically hunted down and destroyed all the Heenan family members (over comments made by Rick Rude about his mother) en route to an Intercontinental title match against Curt Hennig at Wrestlemania VII. (2012 Scott sez:  This was actually a tremendous storyline that I’m shocked had never been done before.  Up until then, the Heenan Family had been used as a plot device to create new challengers for Hogan and then cycle them out again, but here they were kind of a gauntlet for Bossman to run through on the way to Mr. Perfect.  Sadly, Rick Rude had exited the building in 1990, robbing us of the true payoff.)  This is a nothing match with a foregone conclusion that is about 7 minutes too long. Barbarian controls most of the match with his shitty offense and bearhugs, but inevitably makes the mistake of holding Bossman’s foot, triggering the enzuigiri. Barbarian with a cradle out of nowhere for two. Bossman with a stungun for two. Double knockout. This is actually picking up. Barbarian hits the top rope clothesline for two, but Bossman has his foot on the rope. Bossman slam, but Barbarian grabs the ropes at two. Eye poke and piledriver, sold with zeal by Bossman. Barbarian goes for a cross-body off the top (!) but Bossman rolls through for the pin. This didn’t suck! **1/2 (2012 Scott sez:  Also better than I gave it credit for here.  Bossman was in a great groove at that point.)  Comments from rubes about Warrior. Why, there’s little kids painted like him, he *must* be over. Sgt. Slobber offers some words of wisdom for the Ultimate Puke. The Ulimate Puke responds. WWF title match: The Ultimate Puke v. Sgt. Slobber.  (2012 Scott sez:  I don’t generally do “funny” nicknames for guys anymore, because it’s STUPID.)  Big-time heel heat for Sarge. Warrior cleans house on Sarge and Adnan to start and then rips up the Iraqi flag for some cheap heat. Slaughter gets to eat the flag for good measure. Warrior absolutely kicks Slaughter’s ass from one side of the ring to the other until Sherri comes down and the storyline kicks in. Warrior chases her down the aisle and Savage clobbers him from behind and smashes a light standard on his head. Warrior resolutely crawls back down the aisle while the fans chant “USA” extremely loudly. Slaughter keeps stopping the count. I’ve gotta say those pointy boots look really cheesy. The heel heat here is amazing. (2012 Scott sez:  Man, if only they had someone not totally past his prime to do the Slaughter role, because it was gigantic heel heat and would have gotten someone over for life.  Off-the-wall suggestion:  Kerry Von Erich, who came in at the same time as Slaughter.  All-American Boy turned Iraqi traitor?  That’s MONEY.  Kerry v. Hogan at Wrestlemania?  C’mon, that’s MONEY.  Yeah I know, drugs and suicide and stuff, but we’re talking a perfect world here.)  The BEARHUG OF DOOM kills the crowd pretty quick. Slaughter drops some elbows and applies the CAMEL CLUTCH OF HIDEOUS FESTERING DEATH but Warrior is in the ropes. Warrior with the supermaniac comeback and the SHITTY CLOTHESLINES OF DOOM, followed by the shoulderblock, but heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Sherri. Crowd is going bonkos. Warrior smacks Sherri around and tosses her out into Macho’s arms, but Slaughter knees Warrior in the back and drapes him on the ropes. Savage nails the prone Warrior with the TIN-FOIL COVERED SCEPTRE OF DOOM and Slaughter drops an elbow for the pin and the WWF title. The announcers are in shock and the audience chants “Bullshit” as the Warrior retreats to the dressing room. Watching this match in 1991, I was in absolute disbelief that they’d actually put the title on Slaughter. Looking back, Vince should have put the belt on him sooner and then had Warrior regain it here. They could have done the money match, Hogan-Warrior II, at WM7. *  (2012 Scott sez:  At the time, this match made me legitimately ANGRY while watching it, which shows what a tremendous job of being an asshole Randy Savage could do.  The first run-in was annoying, but the second one was the one where you just wanted Warrior to kick his ass right into retirement.) Dusty and Dustin Rhodes v. Ted Dibiase & Virgil. After 4 years of waiting, this was the match where it finally happened. This was Dustin’s PPV debut, just before he and his father retreated back to WCW a few weeks later. Dibiase slapped Dustin around (who was sitting in the front row watching his dad wrestle) on an episode of SNME to set this up. Virgil gets beat up by Dustin here to start, and Dibiase bitches him out about it. Dibiase tags in and takes Dustin to school. Dusty gets in and we get tag team bionic elbows. Dusty has ditched the polka dots by this point. Dustin comes in and blows out his knee on a missed charge. The heels work on the knee, but Virgil accidentally clotheslines Dibiase and he flips out and tosses his bodyguard out of the ring. Dusty gets the hot tag in the meantime and quickly gets rolled up by Dibiase for the pin. The Rhodes’ were clearly on the JOB Squad by that point. ** Dibiase gets on the mic and kisses off the Rhodes, then tells off Virgil and orders him to retrieve his million dollar belt. In a great moment, Dibiase tries to blackmail Virgil into subservience…and turns his back on him. Oops. KA-POW! The crowd (and Roddy Piper) goes apeshit. Thus endeth the long relationship… (2012 Scott sez:  Somehow I don’t foresee quite the same reaction if Ricardo ever turns on ADR.)  Assorted comments from the Rumble entrants, and of course the Orange Goblin. I’d do a transcript of Tugboat’s ridiculous bit, but it wouldn’t be fair to subject people to that. Let’s just say it’s really bad. Royal Rumble: Bret Hart gets #1, in order to showcase him in preparation for his singles push. Dino Bravo gets #2 and we’re underway. Hey, there’s Shane McMahon again! Not much notable here. Greg Valentine is #3, and he goes right after ex-partner Bravo, to the shock of Jimmy Hart. Valentine ends up dumping Bravo in short order. (2012 Scott sez:  Interesting to note that this was the first Rumble where the “every man for himself” thing truly came into play.)  Bret Hart plays possum while this is going on, and ambushes Greg when he turns around. Paul Roma is #4, and a three-way breaks out. Kerry Von Erich is #5 and he cleans house on the heels. Rick Martel is #6 and there’s still nothing terribly notable going on. Martel and Roma seem to have an issue here for some reason. Saba Simba (Luckily Roddy Piper doesn’t yell out “Hey, it’s Tony Atlas” this time) is #7 and he takes out pretty much everyone in sight. If you’ve never heard of Simba, there’s a reason. Everyone pairs off. Butch is #8 as Simba tosses Martel…but Martel hangs onto the top rope and Simba’s momentum carries HIM out. Jake Roberts is #9 and he goes after Martel, of course. This was during the infamous “blindfold match” period, another one I forgot about when compiling Netcop Busts. Martel teases falling out of the ring several times, drawing a great reaction from the crowd. Hercules is #10 and he hooks up with Roma immediately so they can work as a team. Tito Santana is #11 as Roma misses a cross-body and eliminates himself. Santana and Martel of course are at each other. (2012 Scott sez:  That was really one of the great long-running feuds with absolutely no real money payoff.  They just kept referencing it over and over but didn’t do anything other than an SNME match long after Martel had already been repackaged.)  Undertaker (still with Brother Love) is #12 and he casually dumps Hart right away. Undertaker no-sells everything as the crowd watches his every move in fascination. I think that was the sign that Vince had something special here. Jimmy Snuka is #13 as UT tosses Butch. DBS is #14. Damn, there’s a lot of guys in there right now. Smash gets #15, but the heat is gone by this point so the crowd doesn’t care about him anymore. They need to clear out some deadwood — it’s getting too hard to follow. Martel teases another elimination, but gets back again…but not before pulling Roberts out. Road Warrior Hawk is #16, and everyone gangs up on him right away. Here’s one for the X-Files: Shane Douglas is #17, post-Dynamic Dudes but pre-credibility. (2012 Scott sez:  Shane Douglas had credibility at some point?  Bet he’s watching RAW these days trying to think of a way to get a paycheck out of Johnny Ace.) UT tosses Snuka and Kerry Von Erich. Did you know that Douglas was actually a de facto Rocker in late 1990 during Shawn Michaels’ first big knee injury? He teamed with Marty Jannetty as the “New” Rockers until Shawn came back. Irony can be so ironic sometimes. The buzzer sounds for #18, but no one comes out. I forget if this was explained. I think it was supposed to be Randy Savage. Anyway, Animal is #19, and he does come out. The LOD double-clotheslines Undertaker out, and then Martel clotheslines Hawk out. Martel is teetering again, but rolls back in. We’re down a manageable number again. Crush is #20, and the Demos go after Bulldog. Martel is hanging by a thread again. Some dipshit in a khaki shirt keeps walking past the main camera, presumably to be cool. Here’s a quarter to buy a hint, guy. Hacksaw Duggan is #21 and gets a big pop. Martel teases another elimination. Earthquake is #22 and sends Animal packing. There’s 11 guys in there right now, way too much. Mr. Perfect is #23, and he takes his time getting down. He dumps Duggan once he’s in, however. He gets beat up by a variety of people, showcasing his selling. The Orange Goblin is #24, knocking out Smash right away. Crowd is nuts for Hogan. Haku is #25 as Valentine is finally eliminated after 45 minutes. Douglas is still in there, oddly enough, although he’s not doing too well. Neidhart is #26, to a big pop. Earthquake tosses Santana like yesterday’s garbage. Luke is #27, and coincidentally he gets knocked out 2.7 seconds after he gets in. Well, it’s easy money, I guess. (2012 Scott sez:  They play that one a lot on Royal Rumble video packages.)  More near-eliminations with Martel. Brian Knobs is #28 and no one cares. Everyone gangs up on him, however, for some reason. Tugboat and the Warlord are the only ones left in the draw so it must have been Randy Savage who missed his chance at #18 because of the Warrior thing earlier. Knobs dumps Hercules. Warlord is #29. Crush does the 10 PUNCHES OF DOOM on Hulk and gets dumped over the top for his troubles. That was a pretty dumb thing to do. (2012 Scott sez:  NEVER GO TO THE TOP ROPE IN A ROYAL RUMBLE!  It’s, like, the first rule!) Hulk clotheslines the Warlord out soon after. Tugboat is #30, as Douglas gets tossed. Our suspects are Hogan, Neidhart, Tugboat, Hennig, Haku, Knobs, Martel, Bulldog and Earthquake. Not a very impressive field, to be sure. Hennig is really taking a licking. Tugboat and Hogan end up fighting in the corner, and Tugboat actually dumps Hogan, but he lands on the apron, then comes back in and knocks Tugboat out. Bulldog dropkicks Hennig out. Martel bids adieu to Jim Neidhart. Bulldog backdrops Haku out. Martel makes Dumb Mistake #1 by going to the top, and Bulldog crotches him and knocks him out after a record 53 minutes  (2012 Scott sez:  See, WHAT DID I JUST SAY?). The final four: Bulldog, Earthquake, Knobs and Hulk. There goes Bulldog. Why is Knobs in there this close to the end? (2012 Scott sez:  Gee, I wonder why, brother.)  They proceed to squash Hulk. Earthquake hits the FAT-ASSED BUTT SPLASH OF DEATH, but Hulk makes the comeback. Big Boot sends Knobs over the top, the three punches and big boot put Earthquake down. But Hogan falls back on the slam attempt and Quake drops some elbows. Powerslam, but Hulk makes comeback #2 and hulks up. Big boot, and this time the bodyslam works. A clothesline later and Hulk wins the Rumble for the second year in a row. An okay, but unspectacular, Rumble. *** Not enough star power to really draw interest of the casual viewer.  (2012 Scott sez:  Nice to see Hogan finally getting his PPV win over Earthquake.)  The Bottom Line: It had to be done, honest. After basically butt-fucking the fans with a spiked dildo in the form of the title change earlier, the WWF had to do something to send the fans home happy, and this was as good as anything. The WWF was in a serious funk at this point, however, creatively and monetarily, and it shows with blasé shows like this. Fear not, however, The Man was on his way. (2012 Scott sez:  Sid?  Oh, wait, the other big signing of 1991, right.)  Neutral feelings on this one.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1991 (2012 Scott sez:  I find this rant a tad embarrassing at times, actually.)  Live from Miami, Florida, bastion of Americana and/or old people. Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Roddy Piper. This show is, of course, in the thick of the Gulf War and the Sgt. Slaughter storyline, and hence the crowd is in full xenophobic form. Opening match: The Rockers v. The New Orient Express. This is the PPV debut of Paul Diamond as the masked Kato, thus reuniting the awesome Badd Company too late to do any good. Rockers start out with a double pescado and then Jannetty and Diamond show off a wrestling sequence. Michaels tags in and wallops on Tanaka for a while, but he goes for the sleeper, which never leads to anything good this early in the match. Sure enough, Kato comes in and nails Michaels, turning the tide. Then a terrific, luchaesque sequence erupts as the four guys do a complex bit with a double whip, dosee-do, and double atomic drop. The Orients escape and the Rockers follow with stereo topes. Great stuff. Some putz yells “boring” as Shawn takes a 5 second rest with a headlock. Shawn goes for the TEN PUNCHES OF DOOM on Kato but Tanaka pulls him down from the outside and clotheslines him on the top rope, then whacks him with the cane for good measure. Big heat for that. Shawn assumes the Ricky Morton role. Neat sequence as Shawn does a Flair flip and then gets kicked by Tanaka on the outside and flips back into the ring. he works in the triple somersault clothesline sell, of course. Marty gets the hot tag and gets several two counts on Kato. Tanaka kicks Marty in the face to give Kato a backslide two-count. Kato slingshots Jannetty into a Tanaka chop, then in a spectacular ending, Kato slingshots Jannetty again, but Shawn hits Tanaka in the gut to bend him over and Jannetty goes with the momentum and sunset flips Tanaka for the pin. Has to be seen to be appreciated. **** (2012 Scott sez:  I think I may have even UNDER-rated this one, as I think it was on another Shawn Michaels DVD later and I had it about ****1/4 on second viewing.)  Macho Man wants a title shot, so he sends Sherri out to announce that Sgt. Slaughter has agreed to give him a title shot when he wins the title. But to cover their bases, she calls out Ultimate Warrior to challenge him to a title match in case *he* wins. She proceeds to seduce him (with Terri Runnels-level acting) (2012 Scott sez:  Terri wasn’t a particularly convincing actress on RAW, you see.)  and beg for a Macho Man title match. The thought of Sherri on her knees almost makes me vomit my Rolo. (2012 Scott sez:  What is with me and Rolo in 1999?  I don’t even particularly like caramel-based chocolates anymore.)  Warrior yells “Noooooooooooo” to her request, and Savage flips out in the back. This becomes important later. Big Bossman v. The Barbarian. This would be the middle of Bossman’s peak period in the WWF, as he systemically hunted down and destroyed all the Heenan family members (over comments made by Rick Rude about his mother) en route to an Intercontinental title match against Curt Hennig at Wrestlemania VII. (2012 Scott sez:  This was actually a tremendous storyline that I’m shocked had never been done before.  Up until then, the Heenan Family had been used as a plot device to create new challengers for Hogan and then cycle them out again, but here they were kind of a gauntlet for Bossman to run through on the way to Mr. Perfect.  Sadly, Rick Rude had exited the building in 1990, robbing us of the true payoff.)  This is a nothing match with a foregone conclusion that is about 7 minutes too long. Barbarian controls most of the match with his shitty offense and bearhugs, but inevitably makes the mistake of holding Bossman’s foot, triggering the enzuigiri. Barbarian with a cradle out of nowhere for two. Bossman with a stungun for two. Double knockout. This is actually picking up. Barbarian hits the top rope clothesline for two, but Bossman has his foot on the rope. Bossman slam, but Barbarian grabs the ropes at two. Eye poke and piledriver, sold with zeal by Bossman. Barbarian goes for a cross-body off the top (!) but Bossman rolls through for the pin. This didn’t suck! **1/2 (2012 Scott sez:  Also better than I gave it credit for here.  Bossman was in a great groove at that point.)  Comments from rubes about Warrior. Why, there’s little kids painted like him, he *must* be over. Sgt. Slobber offers some words of wisdom for the Ultimate Puke. The Ulimate Puke responds. WWF title match: The Ultimate Puke v. Sgt. Slobber.  (2012 Scott sez:  I don’t generally do “funny” nicknames for guys anymore, because it’s STUPID.)  Big-time heel heat for Sarge. Warrior cleans house on Sarge and Adnan to start and then rips up the Iraqi flag for some cheap heat. Slaughter gets to eat the flag for good measure. Warrior absolutely kicks Slaughter’s ass from one side of the ring to the other until Sherri comes down and the storyline kicks in. Warrior chases her down the aisle and Savage clobbers him from behind and smashes a light standard on his head. Warrior resolutely crawls back down the aisle while the fans chant “USA” extremely loudly. Slaughter keeps stopping the count. I’ve gotta say those pointy boots look really cheesy. The heel heat here is amazing. (2012 Scott sez:  Man, if only they had someone not totally past his prime to do the Slaughter role, because it was gigantic heel heat and would have gotten someone over for life.  Off-the-wall suggestion:  Kerry Von Erich, who came in at the same time as Slaughter.  All-American Boy turned Iraqi traitor?  That’s MONEY.  Kerry v. Hogan at Wrestlemania?  C’mon, that’s MONEY.  Yeah I know, drugs and suicide and stuff, but we’re talking a perfect world here.)  The BEARHUG OF DOOM kills the crowd pretty quick. Slaughter drops some elbows and applies the CAMEL CLUTCH OF HIDEOUS FESTERING DEATH but Warrior is in the ropes. Warrior with the supermaniac comeback and the SHITTY CLOTHESLINES OF DOOM, followed by the shoulderblock, but heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Sherri. Crowd is going bonkos. Warrior smacks Sherri around and tosses her out into Macho’s arms, but Slaughter knees Warrior in the back and drapes him on the ropes. Savage nails the prone Warrior with the TIN-FOIL COVERED SCEPTRE OF DOOM and Slaughter drops an elbow for the pin and the WWF title. The announcers are in shock and the audience chants “Bullshit” as the Warrior retreats to the dressing room. Watching this match in 1991, I was in absolute disbelief that they’d actually put the title on Slaughter. Looking back, Vince should have put the belt on him sooner and then had Warrior regain it here. They could have done the money match, Hogan-Warrior II, at WM7. *  (2012 Scott sez:  At the time, this match made me legitimately ANGRY while watching it, which shows what a tremendous job of being an asshole Randy Savage could do.  The first run-in was annoying, but the second one was the one where you just wanted Warrior to kick his ass right into retirement.) Dusty and Dustin Rhodes v. Ted Dibiase & Virgil. After 4 years of waiting, this was the match where it finally happened. This was Dustin’s PPV debut, just before he and his father retreated back to WCW a few weeks later. Dibiase slapped Dustin around (who was sitting in the front row watching his dad wrestle) on an episode of SNME to set this up. Virgil gets beat up by Dustin here to start, and Dibiase bitches him out about it. Dibiase tags in and takes Dustin to school. Dusty gets in and we get tag team bionic elbows. Dusty has ditched the polka dots by this point. Dustin comes in and blows out his knee on a missed charge. The heels work on the knee, but Virgil accidentally clotheslines Dibiase and he flips out and tosses his bodyguard out of the ring. Dusty gets the hot tag in the meantime and quickly gets rolled up by Dibiase for the pin. The Rhodes’ were clearly on the JOB Squad by that point. ** Dibiase gets on the mic and kisses off the Rhodes, then tells off Virgil and orders him to retrieve his million dollar belt. In a great moment, Dibiase tries to blackmail Virgil into subservience…and turns his back on him. Oops. KA-POW! The crowd (and Roddy Piper) goes apeshit. Thus endeth the long relationship… (2012 Scott sez:  Somehow I don’t foresee quite the same reaction if Ricardo ever turns on ADR.)  Assorted comments from the Rumble entrants, and of course the Orange Goblin. I’d do a transcript of Tugboat’s ridiculous bit, but it wouldn’t be fair to subject people to that. Let’s just say it’s really bad. Royal Rumble: Bret Hart gets #1, in order to showcase him in preparation for his singles push. Dino Bravo gets #2 and we’re underway. Hey, there’s Shane McMahon again! Not much notable here. Greg Valentine is #3, and he goes right after ex-partner Bravo, to the shock of Jimmy Hart. Valentine ends up dumping Bravo in short order. (2012 Scott sez:  Interesting to note that this was the first Rumble where the “every man for himself” thing truly came into play.)  Bret Hart plays possum while this is going on, and ambushes Greg when he turns around. Paul Roma is #4, and a three-way breaks out. Kerry Von Erich is #5 and he cleans house on the heels. Rick Martel is #6 and there’s still nothing terribly notable going on. Martel and Roma seem to have an issue here for some reason. Saba Simba (Luckily Roddy Piper doesn’t yell out “Hey, it’s Tony Atlas” this time) is #7 and he takes out pretty much everyone in sight. If you’ve never heard of Simba, there’s a reason. Everyone pairs off. Butch is #8 as Simba tosses Martel…but Martel hangs onto the top rope and Simba’s momentum carries HIM out. Jake Roberts is #9 and he goes after Martel, of course. This was during the infamous “blindfold match” period, another one I forgot about when compiling Netcop Busts. Martel teases falling out of the ring several times, drawing a great reaction from the crowd. Hercules is #10 and he hooks up with Roma immediately so they can work as a team. Tito Santana is #11 as Roma misses a cross-body and eliminates himself. Santana and Martel of course are at each other. (2012 Scott sez:  That was really one of the great long-running feuds with absolutely no real money payoff.  They just kept referencing it over and over but didn’t do anything other than an SNME match long after Martel had already been repackaged.)  Undertaker (still with Brother Love) is #12 and he casually dumps Hart right away. Undertaker no-sells everything as the crowd watches his every move in fascination. I think that was the sign that Vince had something special here. Jimmy Snuka is #13 as UT tosses Butch. DBS is #14. Damn, there’s a lot of guys in there right now. Smash gets #15, but the heat is gone by this point so the crowd doesn’t care about him anymore. They need to clear out some deadwood — it’s getting too hard to follow. Martel teases another elimination, but gets back again…but not before pulling Roberts out. Road Warrior Hawk is #16, and everyone gangs up on him right away. Here’s one for the X-Files: Shane Douglas is #17, post-Dynamic Dudes but pre-credibility. (2012 Scott sez:  Shane Douglas had credibility at some point?  Bet he’s watching RAW these days trying to think of a way to get a paycheck out of Johnny Ace.) UT tosses Snuka and Kerry Von Erich. Did you know that Douglas was actually a de facto Rocker in late 1990 during Shawn Michaels’ first big knee injury? He teamed with Marty Jannetty as the “New” Rockers until Shawn came back. Irony can be so ironic sometimes. The buzzer sounds for #18, but no one comes out. I forget if this was explained. I think it was supposed to be Randy Savage. Anyway, Animal is #19, and he does come out. The LOD double-clotheslines Undertaker out, and then Martel clotheslines Hawk out. Martel is teetering again, but rolls back in. We’re down a manageable number again. Crush is #20, and the Demos go after Bulldog. Martel is hanging by a thread again. Some dipshit in a khaki shirt keeps walking past the main camera, presumably to be cool. Here’s a quarter to buy a hint, guy. Hacksaw Duggan is #21 and gets a big pop. Martel teases another elimination. Earthquake is #22 and sends Animal packing. There’s 11 guys in there right now, way too much. Mr. Perfect is #23, and he takes his time getting down. He dumps Duggan once he’s in, however. He gets beat up by a variety of people, showcasing his selling. The Orange Goblin is #24, knocking out Smash right away. Crowd is nuts for Hogan. Haku is #25 as Valentine is finally eliminated after 45 minutes. Douglas is still in there, oddly enough, although he’s not doing too well. Neidhart is #26, to a big pop. Earthquake tosses Santana like yesterday’s garbage. Luke is #27, and coincidentally he gets knocked out 2.7 seconds after he gets in. Well, it’s easy money, I guess. (2012 Scott sez:  They play that one a lot on Royal Rumble video packages.)  More near-eliminations with Martel. Brian Knobs is #28 and no one cares. Everyone gangs up on him, however, for some reason. Tugboat and the Warlord are the only ones left in the draw so it must have been Randy Savage who missed his chance at #18 because of the Warrior thing earlier. Knobs dumps Hercules. Warlord is #29. Crush does the 10 PUNCHES OF DOOM on Hulk and gets dumped over the top for his troubles. That was a pretty dumb thing to do. (2012 Scott sez:  NEVER GO TO THE TOP ROPE IN A ROYAL RUMBLE!  It’s, like, the first rule!) Hulk clotheslines the Warlord out soon after. Tugboat is #30, as Douglas gets tossed. Our suspects are Hogan, Neidhart, Tugboat, Hennig, Haku, Knobs, Martel, Bulldog and Earthquake. Not a very impressive field, to be sure. Hennig is really taking a licking. Tugboat and Hogan end up fighting in the corner, and Tugboat actually dumps Hogan, but he lands on the apron, then comes back in and knocks Tugboat out. Bulldog dropkicks Hennig out. Martel bids adieu to Jim Neidhart. Bulldog backdrops Haku out. Martel makes Dumb Mistake #1 by going to the top, and Bulldog crotches him and knocks him out after a record 53 minutes  (2012 Scott sez:  See, WHAT DID I JUST SAY?). The final four: Bulldog, Earthquake, Knobs and Hulk. There goes Bulldog. Why is Knobs in there this close to the end? (2012 Scott sez:  Gee, I wonder why, brother.)  They proceed to squash Hulk. Earthquake hits the FAT-ASSED BUTT SPLASH OF DEATH, but Hulk makes the comeback. Big Boot sends Knobs over the top, the three punches and big boot put Earthquake down. But Hogan falls back on the slam attempt and Quake drops some elbows. Powerslam, but Hulk makes comeback #2 and hulks up. Big boot, and this time the bodyslam works. A clothesline later and Hulk wins the Rumble for the second year in a row. An okay, but unspectacular, Rumble. *** Not enough star power to really draw interest of the casual viewer.  (2012 Scott sez:  Nice to see Hogan finally getting his PPV win over Earthquake.)  The Bottom Line: It had to be done, honest. After basically butt-fucking the fans with a spiked dildo in the form of the title change earlier, the WWF had to do something to send the fans home happy, and this was as good as anything. The WWF was in a serious funk at this point, however, creatively and monetarily, and it shows with blasé shows like this. Fear not, however, The Man was on his way. (2012 Scott sez:  Sid?  Oh, wait, the other big signing of 1991, right.)  Neutral feelings on this one.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1991 (2012 Scott sez:  I find this rant a tad embarrassing at times, actually.)  Live from Miami, Florida, bastion of Americana and/or old people. Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Roddy Piper. This show is, of course, in the thick of the Gulf War and the Sgt. Slaughter storyline, and hence the crowd is in full xenophobic form. Opening match: The Rockers v. The New Orient Express. This is the PPV debut of Paul Diamond as the masked Kato, thus reuniting the awesome Badd Company too late to do any good. Rockers start out with a double pescado and then Jannetty and Diamond show off a wrestling sequence. Michaels tags in and wallops on Tanaka for a while, but he goes for the sleeper, which never leads to anything good this early in the match. Sure enough, Kato comes in and nails Michaels, turning the tide. Then a terrific, luchaesque sequence erupts as the four guys do a complex bit with a double whip, dosee-do, and double atomic drop. The Orients escape and the Rockers follow with stereo topes. Great stuff. Some putz yells “boring” as Shawn takes a 5 second rest with a headlock. Shawn goes for the TEN PUNCHES OF DOOM on Kato but Tanaka pulls him down from the outside and clotheslines him on the top rope, then whacks him with the cane for good measure. Big heat for that. Shawn assumes the Ricky Morton role. Neat sequence as Shawn does a Flair flip and then gets kicked by Tanaka on the outside and flips back into the ring. he works in the triple somersault clothesline sell, of course. Marty gets the hot tag and gets several two counts on Kato. Tanaka kicks Marty in the face to give Kato a backslide two-count. Kato slingshots Jannetty into a Tanaka chop, then in a spectacular ending, Kato slingshots Jannetty again, but Shawn hits Tanaka in the gut to bend him over and Jannetty goes with the momentum and sunset flips Tanaka for the pin. Has to be seen to be appreciated. **** (2012 Scott sez:  I think I may have even UNDER-rated this one, as I think it was on another Shawn Michaels DVD later and I had it about ****1/4 on second viewing.)  Macho Man wants a title shot, so he sends Sherri out to announce that Sgt. Slaughter has agreed to give him a title shot when he wins the title. But to cover their bases, she calls out Ultimate Warrior to challenge him to a title match in case *he* wins. She proceeds to seduce him (with Terri Runnels-level acting) (2012 Scott sez:  Terri wasn’t a particularly convincing actress on RAW, you see.)  and beg for a Macho Man title match. The thought of Sherri on her knees almost makes me vomit my Rolo. (2012 Scott sez:  What is with me and Rolo in 1999?  I don’t even particularly like caramel-based chocolates anymore.)  Warrior yells “Noooooooooooo” to her request, and Savage flips out in the back. This becomes important later. Big Bossman v. The Barbarian. This would be the middle of Bossman’s peak period in the WWF, as he systemically hunted down and destroyed all the Heenan family members (over comments made by Rick Rude about his mother) en route to an Intercontinental title match against Curt Hennig at Wrestlemania VII. (2012 Scott sez:  This was actually a tremendous storyline that I’m shocked had never been done before.  Up until then, the Heenan Family had been used as a plot device to create new challengers for Hogan and then cycle them out again, but here they were kind of a gauntlet for Bossman to run through on the way to Mr. Perfect.  Sadly, Rick Rude had exited the building in 1990, robbing us of the true payoff.)  This is a nothing match with a foregone conclusion that is about 7 minutes too long. Barbarian controls most of the match with his shitty offense and bearhugs, but inevitably makes the mistake of holding Bossman’s foot, triggering the enzuigiri. Barbarian with a cradle out of nowhere for two. Bossman with a stungun for two. Double knockout. This is actually picking up. Barbarian hits the top rope clothesline for two, but Bossman has his foot on the rope. Bossman slam, but Barbarian grabs the ropes at two. Eye poke and piledriver, sold with zeal by Bossman. Barbarian goes for a cross-body off the top (!) but Bossman rolls through for the pin. This didn’t suck! **1/2 (2012 Scott sez:  Also better than I gave it credit for here.  Bossman was in a great groove at that point.)  Comments from rubes about Warrior. Why, there’s little kids painted like him, he *must* be over. Sgt. Slobber offers some words of wisdom for the Ultimate Puke. The Ulimate Puke responds. WWF title match: The Ultimate Puke v. Sgt. Slobber.  (2012 Scott sez:  I don’t generally do “funny” nicknames for guys anymore, because it’s STUPID.)  Big-time heel heat for Sarge. Warrior cleans house on Sarge and Adnan to start and then rips up the Iraqi flag for some cheap heat. Slaughter gets to eat the flag for good measure. Warrior absolutely kicks Slaughter’s ass from one side of the ring to the other until Sherri comes down and the storyline kicks in. Warrior chases her down the aisle and Savage clobbers him from behind and smashes a light standard on his head. Warrior resolutely crawls back down the aisle while the fans chant “USA” extremely loudly. Slaughter keeps stopping the count. I’ve gotta say those pointy boots look really cheesy. The heel heat here is amazing. (2012 Scott sez:  Man, if only they had someone not totally past his prime to do the Slaughter role, because it was gigantic heel heat and would have gotten someone over for life.  Off-the-wall suggestion:  Kerry Von Erich, who came in at the same time as Slaughter.  All-American Boy turned Iraqi traitor?  That’s MONEY.  Kerry v. Hogan at Wrestlemania?  C’mon, that’s MONEY.  Yeah I know, drugs and suicide and stuff, but we’re talking a perfect world here.)  The BEARHUG OF DOOM kills the crowd pretty quick. Slaughter drops some elbows and applies the CAMEL CLUTCH OF HIDEOUS FESTERING DEATH but Warrior is in the ropes. Warrior with the supermaniac comeback and the SHITTY CLOTHESLINES OF DOOM, followed by the shoulderblock, but heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Sherri. Crowd is going bonkos. Warrior smacks Sherri around and tosses her out into Macho’s arms, but Slaughter knees Warrior in the back and drapes him on the ropes. Savage nails the prone Warrior with the TIN-FOIL COVERED SCEPTRE OF DOOM and Slaughter drops an elbow for the pin and the WWF title. The announcers are in shock and the audience chants “Bullshit” as the Warrior retreats to the dressing room. Watching this match in 1991, I was in absolute disbelief that they’d actually put the title on Slaughter. Looking back, Vince should have put the belt on him sooner and then had Warrior regain it here. They could have done the money match, Hogan-Warrior II, at WM7. *  (2012 Scott sez:  At the time, this match made me legitimately ANGRY while watching it, which shows what a tremendous job of being an asshole Randy Savage could do.  The first run-in was annoying, but the second one was the one where you just wanted Warrior to kick his ass right into retirement.) Dusty and Dustin Rhodes v. Ted Dibiase & Virgil. After 4 years of waiting, this was the match where it finally happened. This was Dustin’s PPV debut, just before he and his father retreated back to WCW a few weeks later. Dibiase slapped Dustin around (who was sitting in the front row watching his dad wrestle) on an episode of SNME to set this up. Virgil gets beat up by Dustin here to start, and Dibiase bitches him out about it. Dibiase tags in and takes Dustin to school. Dusty gets in and we get tag team bionic elbows. Dusty has ditched the polka dots by this point. Dustin comes in and blows out his knee on a missed charge. The heels work on the knee, but Virgil accidentally clotheslines Dibiase and he flips out and tosses his bodyguard out of the ring. Dusty gets the hot tag in the meantime and quickly gets rolled up by Dibiase for the pin. The Rhodes’ were clearly on the JOB Squad by that point. ** Dibiase gets on the mic and kisses off the Rhodes, then tells off Virgil and orders him to retrieve his million dollar belt. In a great moment, Dibiase tries to blackmail Virgil into subservience…and turns his back on him. Oops. KA-POW! The crowd (and Roddy Piper) goes apeshit. Thus endeth the long relationship… (2012 Scott sez:  Somehow I don’t foresee quite the same reaction if Ricardo ever turns on ADR.)  Assorted comments from the Rumble entrants, and of course the Orange Goblin. I’d do a transcript of Tugboat’s ridiculous bit, but it wouldn’t be fair to subject people to that. Let’s just say it’s really bad. Royal Rumble: Bret Hart gets #1, in order to showcase him in preparation for his singles push. Dino Bravo gets #2 and we’re underway. Hey, there’s Shane McMahon again! Not much notable here. Greg Valentine is #3, and he goes right after ex-partner Bravo, to the shock of Jimmy Hart. Valentine ends up dumping Bravo in short order. (2012 Scott sez:  Interesting to note that this was the first Rumble where the “every man for himself” thing truly came into play.)  Bret Hart plays possum while this is going on, and ambushes Greg when he turns around. Paul Roma is #4, and a three-way breaks out. Kerry Von Erich is #5 and he cleans house on the heels. Rick Martel is #6 and there’s still nothing terribly notable going on. Martel and Roma seem to have an issue here for some reason. Saba Simba (Luckily Roddy Piper doesn’t yell out “Hey, it’s Tony Atlas” this time) is #7 and he takes out pretty much everyone in sight. If you’ve never heard of Simba, there’s a reason. Everyone pairs off. Butch is #8 as Simba tosses Martel…but Martel hangs onto the top rope and Simba’s momentum carries HIM out. Jake Roberts is #9 and he goes after Martel, of course. This was during the infamous “blindfold match” period, another one I forgot about when compiling Netcop Busts. Martel teases falling out of the ring several times, drawing a great reaction from the crowd. Hercules is #10 and he hooks up with Roma immediately so they can work as a team. Tito Santana is #11 as Roma misses a cross-body and eliminates himself. Santana and Martel of course are at each other. (2012 Scott sez:  That was really one of the great long-running feuds with absolutely no real money payoff.  They just kept referencing it over and over but didn’t do anything other than an SNME match long after Martel had already been repackaged.)  Undertaker (still with Brother Love) is #12 and he casually dumps Hart right away. Undertaker no-sells everything as the crowd watches his every move in fascination. I think that was the sign that Vince had something special here. Jimmy Snuka is #13 as UT tosses Butch. DBS is #14. Damn, there’s a lot of guys in there right now. Smash gets #15, but the heat is gone by this point so the crowd doesn’t care about him anymore. They need to clear out some deadwood — it’s getting too hard to follow. Martel teases another elimination, but gets back again…but not before pulling Roberts out. Road Warrior Hawk is #16, and everyone gangs up on him right away. Here’s one for the X-Files: Shane Douglas is #17, post-Dynamic Dudes but pre-credibility. (2012 Scott sez:  Shane Douglas had credibility at some point?  Bet he’s watching RAW these days trying to think of a way to get a paycheck out of Johnny Ace.) UT tosses Snuka and Kerry Von Erich. Did you know that Douglas was actually a de facto Rocker in late 1990 during Shawn Michaels’ first big knee injury? He teamed with Marty Jannetty as the “New” Rockers until Shawn came back. Irony can be so ironic sometimes. The buzzer sounds for #18, but no one comes out. I forget if this was explained. I think it was supposed to be Randy Savage. Anyway, Animal is #19, and he does come out. The LOD double-clotheslines Undertaker out, and then Martel clotheslines Hawk out. Martel is teetering again, but rolls back in. We’re down a manageable number again. Crush is #20, and the Demos go after Bulldog. Martel is hanging by a thread again. Some dipshit in a khaki shirt keeps walking past the main camera, presumably to be cool. Here’s a quarter to buy a hint, guy. Hacksaw Duggan is #21 and gets a big pop. Martel teases another elimination. Earthquake is #22 and sends Animal packing. There’s 11 guys in there right now, way too much. Mr. Perfect is #23, and he takes his time getting down. He dumps Duggan once he’s in, however. He gets beat up by a variety of people, showcasing his selling. The Orange Goblin is #24, knocking out Smash right away. Crowd is nuts for Hogan. Haku is #25 as Valentine is finally eliminated after 45 minutes. Douglas is still in there, oddly enough, although he’s not doing too well. Neidhart is #26, to a big pop. Earthquake tosses Santana like yesterday’s garbage. Luke is #27, and coincidentally he gets knocked out 2.7 seconds after he gets in. Well, it’s easy money, I guess. (2012 Scott sez:  They play that one a lot on Royal Rumble video packages.)  More near-eliminations with Martel. Brian Knobs is #28 and no one cares. Everyone gangs up on him, however, for some reason. Tugboat and the Warlord are the only ones left in the draw so it must have been Randy Savage who missed his chance at #18 because of the Warrior thing earlier. Knobs dumps Hercules. Warlord is #29. Crush does the 10 PUNCHES OF DOOM on Hulk and gets dumped over the top for his troubles. That was a pretty dumb thing to do. (2012 Scott sez:  NEVER GO TO THE TOP ROPE IN A ROYAL RUMBLE!  It’s, like, the first rule!) Hulk clotheslines the Warlord out soon after. Tugboat is #30, as Douglas gets tossed. Our suspects are Hogan, Neidhart, Tugboat, Hennig, Haku, Knobs, Martel, Bulldog and Earthquake. Not a very impressive field, to be sure. Hennig is really taking a licking. Tugboat and Hogan end up fighting in the corner, and Tugboat actually dumps Hogan, but he lands on the apron, then comes back in and knocks Tugboat out. Bulldog dropkicks Hennig out. Martel bids adieu to Jim Neidhart. Bulldog backdrops Haku out. Martel makes Dumb Mistake #1 by going to the top, and Bulldog crotches him and knocks him out after a record 53 minutes  (2012 Scott sez:  See, WHAT DID I JUST SAY?). The final four: Bulldog, Earthquake, Knobs and Hulk. There goes Bulldog. Why is Knobs in there this close to the end? (2012 Scott sez:  Gee, I wonder why, brother.)  They proceed to squash Hulk. Earthquake hits the FAT-ASSED BUTT SPLASH OF DEATH, but Hulk makes the comeback. Big Boot sends Knobs over the top, the three punches and big boot put Earthquake down. But Hogan falls back on the slam attempt and Quake drops some elbows. Powerslam, but Hulk makes comeback #2 and hulks up. Big boot, and this time the bodyslam works. A clothesline later and Hulk wins the Rumble for the second year in a row. An okay, but unspectacular, Rumble. *** Not enough star power to really draw interest of the casual viewer.  (2012 Scott sez:  Nice to see Hogan finally getting his PPV win over Earthquake.)  The Bottom Line: It had to be done, honest. After basically butt-fucking the fans with a spiked dildo in the form of the title change earlier, the WWF had to do something to send the fans home happy, and this was as good as anything. The WWF was in a serious funk at this point, however, creatively and monetarily, and it shows with blasé shows like this. Fear not, however, The Man was on his way. (2012 Scott sez:  Sid?  Oh, wait, the other big signing of 1991, right.)  Neutral feelings on this one.