Mean Mike

Possibly the greatest variance in quality between a wrestler’s visual appearance/gimmick and their in-ring ability.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I have some extremely rare stuff for you tonight, as the dreaded “1993 WWF” rears its ugly head once more, giving us a pair of beauties- Mr. Perfect vs. Papa Shango and The 1-2-3 Kid vs. Bastian Booger! Talk about main events in any arena in the country!

Then it’s a look at a crazy WCW rookie team I’d somehow managed to miss entirely- our own Oprah Noodlemantra turned me on to The Pit Crew- Dale “Demon” Torborg & Chad Fortune as guys decked out as WCW racing team pit crew guys. Naturally, their opposition is the Dream Matches favorite squad of Mean Mike & Tough Tom- Disorderly Conduct!

Then it’s the most “1996 WWF” match I could find, as it’s Jim Cornette dream match Barry Windham vs. Tony Anthony… except it’s the worst incarnations of both men- The Stalker vs. T.L. Hopper, in The Stalker’s debut! Then it’s more WCW jobberhood, as Al Green gets set up against Lash LeRoux! And finally, one of those great WCW weirdo mismatch bouts that inspired this column in the first place, as High Voltage face WCW’s lowest-tier luchadores- Ciclope & Galaxy!

MR. PERFECT vs. PAPA SHANGO:
(WWF Mania, March 5th, 1993)
* One more from the semi-short run of Papa Shango, where he faces a rising Mr. Perfect. Shango had by this point been jobbing all over the house show scene to guys like Undertaker & Bob Backlund, but was beating El Matador & Typhoon around the horn as well.

That’s right- you know it’s a good day when BASTIAN BOOGER is featured in the article!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have another doozy from WWF Mania, as their featured match is Bastian Booger vs. KOKO B. WARE, at this point a member of High Energy in the world’s most ridiculous pants. Then it’s the No-Limit Soldiers/West Texas Rednecks feud continuing in WCW, as Redneck leader Curt Hennig takes on the Power Plant jobber Chase Tatum, now a white-boy rap fan. Then it’s 3-Count vs. Disorderly Conduct, as the DC boys continue jobbing to every team coming down the pipeline!

And try to control your excitement as “Squire” Dave Taylor faces wunderkind rookie Prince Iaukea on a Spring Break Nitro while the cameras ignore them in favor of nWo stuff! Then back to the WWF as The Blue Blazer (Owen Hart as a JTTS) takes on The Warlord of the Powers of Pain- mini-star vs. tag guy! It’s actually up in the air who might win! And finally, a double-whammy dream match as HUGH MORRUS faces RICK FULLER on two separate occasions!

KOKO B. WARE vs. BASTIAN BOOGER:
(WWF Mania, April 16th 1994)
* Man, what fresh hell is THIS? Booger vs. a tag wrestler? Apparently this is Booger’s last televised match in the company, too- he even gets the “already in the ring” deal.

Imagine this look, minus about 20 lbs. of muscle, and you have 1992 Nikita Koloff.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I found another Jake Roberts match I never knew existed, though I guess he & Cactus Jack had a feud against Sting & Nikita Koloff in WCW when I wasn’t watching! So come see Jake versus a “just here for the paycheck” Koloff, as well as another Ron “H20” Waterman match, as he takes on The Prototype (aka John Cena on ALL THE STEROIDS)! Also a big pile of WCW D-Show nonsense, as we see Marty Jannetty vs. Horshu! The Wall vs. Rick Fuller, as the Wall’s weird WCW push continues! Bobby Eaton winding down his WCW run fighting BUZZKILL of all people! The Public Enemy take on the legendary Disorderly Conduct! And finally, Scott Norton versus El Dandy! Will we see Norton’s famously generous selling against smaller men? Wait and see!

JAKE “THE SNAKE” ROBERTS vs. NIKITA KOLOFF:
(WCW Worldwide, Aug. 25th 1992)
* !!! Okay, now THIS is interesting. I didn’t realize Koloff was still around back then, but he’s feuding with Jake & Cactus Jack alongside Sting . It’s fascinating, because without steroids and his “Just a guy in good shape” look, you realize that Koloff is noticeably smaller than Jake, which makes me think a Hogan/Koloff feud wouldn’t have QUITE the visuals Vince would want. Jake is wearing some weird patchwork tights while Nikita’s in a jobbery-looking singlet.

“Plucky Babyface Eddie Guerrero” is kind of a forgotten era for the guy. Also a reminder of the time WCW tossed the U.S. Title on a lot of pretty new acts in the company.

It’s time for more Dream Matches! With more of a big WCW focus again, but I throw in a WWF tag match from the weird early days where “Cool Dad” Michael Hayes was managing the Hardy Boyz, and they were in a throwaway match with Funaki & Papi Chulo (the future Essa Rios)! But our main event of the evening is Lord Steven Regal doing another one of his technical clinics against a new hire named Eddie Guerrero!

Also come see CIMA up against Perry Saturn, when the former was still a rookie trainee in WCW! A weird “Late WCW is more like Early TNA” match as Psychosis fights Shark Boy in 2000! And another shocker- PG-13 made WCW TV in 2000! They take on the much-maligned 3 Count! Then come see Bobby Eaton’s time on the WCW job squad continue as he’s set up against Fit Finlay in a match of the short, stocky veterans. And finally, a TRUE main event and the kind of match I was born to review- SCOTT PUTSKI vs. MEAN MIKE OF DISORDERLY CONDUCT! Smell the ratings!

LORD STEVEN REGAL (w/ Jeeves) vs. EDDIE GUERRERO:
(WCW Nitro, Jan. 9th 1996)
* Regal takes on the relative newcomer Eddie, here a a dorky babyface with a white & red singlet, a HUGE mullet, and a pretty generic persona. However, he was getting pretty great reactions at this point- I believe I read that a focus group test actually showed he was one of their more popular wrestlers, which led to some emphasis on TV. This was the “WCW Special” of just throwing two good workers out there with 8 minutes of TV time and seeing what happens.

Paul Orndorff was in his 40s in WCW, but it’s still weird to me he has crossover with guys I associate with the late ’90s, like Disco.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have one of those crazy matches where you realize that ’80s star Paul Orndorff had crossover with late ’90s WCW comedy act Disco Inferno. Two separate squash matches from 1995, in fact! I’ll also take a look at another one of the Al Snow/Sabu indie wrestling series, plus the monster Meng vs. Saturday Night stalwart, Roadblock!

Oh, and you want an all-time “I can’t believe we were lucky enough to see that” Dream Match? Come check out MEAN MIKE of Disorderly Conduct against LIGHTNING FOOT Jerry Flynn! Then what’s advertised as a “HOT MUSCLE MATCH!” on YouTube, between Scott Steiner and rookie bodybuilder Chase Tatum. And we end things with future New Japan Ace, Yuji Nagata vs. the Chairman of WCW, La Parka! So it’s mostly a WCW-inspired one tonight, but then they always WERE the best source of weirdo disparate matches.

“MR. WONDERFUL” PAUL ORNDORFF vs. DISCO INFERNO:
(WCW Nitro, Dec. 12th 1995)
* Yes, Mr. Wonderful & Disco Inferno had some crossover. This is nuts to me, but indeed Paul lasted a while until his career faded away. Disco’s in white bell-bottoms (with a full Tony Manero pre-match outfit) and Paul’s in white trunks. He’s coming out to what sounds like the anthem for Anvilania in “Animaniacs” and looking in a mirror. When the voice gets REALLY high, Heenan declares that Gene Okerlund recorded this while sitting on a 40-lb. block of ice.

Konnan! Back when he was super-built and wore all the colors!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Today I have a pile of totally random stuff, as usual- a few requests plus the beginning of the infamous “Konnan Push” in WCW, as he takes on the US Champion One Man Gang in a totally random match. Also witness the last of the Ice Train stuff I could find, as he squashes the Gambler in 1996, then gets flattened by Goldberg four years later, this time as “M.I. Smooth”!

Next up is the long-awaited reappearance of the Deceptively-Stocky Rockers of Lucha- Los Cowboys! Silver King & El Texano team up with Villano III against the weirdo team of Yokozuna (Kokina Maximus), Miguel Perez Jr. & “The Killer”! Next it’s Disorderly Conduct, but against all-time great workers instead of the usual Saturday Night dregs, with Eddie Guerrero & Rey Mysterio taking them on! And we end things with the death of WCW Saturday Night (it continues on as a recap show after this)- a look at WCW’s horrible hardcore division, based around BRIAN KNOBBS of all people, as he takes on Norman Smiley, Rick Fuller, Al Green as a barking dog, and… two jobbers? Really? Just match-filling nobodies? THIS is what you book as the final match in Saturday Night’s history? oh, WCW.

WCW U.S. TITLE:
THE ONE MAN GANG vs. KONAN:
(WCW The Main Event, Feb. 4th 1996)
* This is one of those completely random, out of nowhere WCW bouts that ended up being a shocker, as the One Man Gang beat Kensuke Sasaki in a match both WCW & NJPW couldn’t ignore fast enough, and now the Gang is defending against some totally random dude- a guy most American fans had never heard of who is the Mexican Champion, and OH MY GOD what in the name of god is Konan wearing? He’s got a blue mask, shiny blue cape with “KONAN” written in block letters, blue tasseled tights and a gigantic “fake muscles” novelty shirt in hot pink. This is the ugliest ring costume I’ve ever seen, and I’ve watched like 200 Kaoru Ito matches. Despite the idiotic gear, Konan (that’s the spelling at this point) actually has a really good physique at this point, not hiding it behind baggy jeans and shirts like he would shortly afterwards when he was rowdy-rowdy and bout-it bout-it.

Still the most bitching entrance in wrestling history, probably.

I think it was Scott Keith who mentioned that WCW had such a bad PR department that they had a man dresses as a giant skeleton who hit people with chairs and then danced atop the chairs, yet failed to market him to children. And that anyone who failed in such a thing had no business promoting ANYTHING, much less wrestling.

So on that note, we have a new Dream Matches column, this time showcasing what Scott’s talking about as La Parka is set up as one of Goldberg’s many victims! Also more of the Best of Ice Train, as he and fellow “forgotten big guy” Roadblock fight on the D-show! Then one of the all-time lowest-tier matches ever, as the former “Squire” Dave Taylor fights MEAN MIKE of Disorderly Conduct! Also, a pair of 1995 WWF matches, as Bam Bam & Henry Godwinn take on Ted DiBiase’s teams- first Tatanka & Kama, then Sid & Kama, in successive B-shows. Good ol’ 1995 WWF! If you think any shows TODAY suck, take a look at ’95!

Then we end things with me looking at Mid-South of all things, as my search for One Man Gang matches sees him teaming with Ravishing Rick Rude against Bruiser Brody and the Missing Link… with the latter two being BABYFACES! Oh, and also a request, as Dustin Rhodes faces Bobby Eaton, with both guys being totally washed up in the dying days of WCW.

WCW US TITLE:
BILL GOLDBERG vs. LA PARKA:
(WCW Nitro, June 1st 1998)
* This is an epic one- La Parka is beloved online, but to WCW he was just a chair-wielding jobber, so here he is to be sacrificed to Goldberg on a Nitro in Washington, DC. And HOLY SHIT is Goldberg over, with the full regalia, fireworks and his bitching theme song and everything. And he hits the ring like a twitchy madman and the fans are going nuts already.

Welcome back to a slightly smaller Dream Matches column, as I wasn’t sure where to fit this legendary Disorderly Conduct/Armstrong Brothers D-show Gauntlet, but then the request I got for a JIM POWERS victory made me realize I could give them all their own column! So come see the excitement as Jim Powers and Barry Horowitz square off for six minutes so poor Monsoon & Hayes have to hype up a fucking WBF Pay-Per-View event, and then WCW’s booking committee fills time in their “D-Show ‘verse” as Mean Mike and Tough Tom manage to fight Scott & Steve Armstrong an astonishing FIVE TIMES over the course of 18 months! Which is awful, but a fascinating look at how guys can do the exact same batch of moves over and over and fashion slightly different lame matches out of them each time.

Also by request: Los Conquistadors get a rare TV win of their very own! Poor Sam Houston & Terry Taylor… but don’t worry- Taylor will spark off an angle at the end of the match that totally won’t ruin his career forever!

Jim Powers: The living definition of a *Clap* “YEAH!” Guy.

JIM POWERS vs. BARRY HOROWITZ:
(WWF TV, June 8th 1992)
* Yes, this is in fact an incredibly notable match- a JIM POWERS squash… where he’s NOT THE ONE BEING SQUASHED! He even gets goddamn theme music! He’s up against legit jobber (and humorously someone who ended up with more of a solo push than Jim did in the WWF) Barry Horowitz, here in lime green trunks. Powers is so excited to get a TV win he practically Barry Allens into the ring from the aisle, not letting any moments breathe properly.

Eddie Guerrero as a dorky young babyface jobber! What could be better?!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time we have a pretty varied assortment of “Wait, that happened?” matches, starting with a young rookie Eddie Guerrero being fed to NWA World Title contender Terry Funk way back in *1989*! Also I get the last Super Assassins match, as the masked Powers of Pain are fed to Lex Luger & Sting on Nitro! Then it’s the infamous era of Ahmed Johnson as the fat, washed-up “Big T” as Harlem Heat 2000 face dream match legends Disorderly Conduct! And a request- the HORRENDOUS one-off solo match of “Kizarny”, who wrestles MVP here before showing up in a battle royal and then being fired, never to darken WWE again! And also, the “Decent stars slumming it in horrible WWF gimmicks” bout as The Executioner faces Freddie Joe Floyd!

TERRY FUNK vs. EDDIE GUERRERO:
(WCW TV, Sept. 5th 1989)
* Eddie, in jobber yellow trunks, is set to be eaten alive by Funk, who is outraged that the accouncer doesn’t wait until his chaps are off before announcing him. Terry’s in those red & black long tights of his from the ’90s- Jim Ross’s commentary suggests this is right after Funk turned on Flair and piledrove him through a table. Terry actually has REALLY big arms at this point, not quite having decayed to his “middle aged and crazy” state, while Eddie’s already juicing. He’s mentione was being “The younger brother of Hector and Chavo Guerrero, and Mando Guerrero” because they were actually MORE FAMOUS than he was at this point!

Welcome back for more Dream Matches! This time we got to a sorta-request- a PPV match between Brock Lesnar & Rob Van Dam! Then a powerhouse bout between Scott Norton and the One Man Gang from 1996 WCW! Also, more of Freddie Joe Floyd, as he takes on a post-KOTR Steve Austin in 1996 WWF! More of High Energy, as they fight the jobber due of Barry Horowitz & Kato! The Powers of Pain in WCW as the Super Assassins against JTTS duo the State Patrol! And finally, we get the all-time greatest dream match of all: THE BEVERLY BROTHERS vs. DISORDERLY CONDUCT! Can WCW Saturday Night contain that level of star powers? Read on!

2002 KING OF THE RING FINAL:
BROCK LESNAR (w/ Paul Heyman) vs. ROB VAN DAM:
(6/23/02)
* So someone recommended I review the Vengeance match between these two, but it’s not on YouTube I think- but hey! Another KOTR match! This is the Finals to 2002’s show, during the Year of Lesnar’s Mega-Push. This tourney led to Steve Austin temporarily quitting as well as Chris Jericho turning on the IWC, ripping on fans for giving his RVD match on this same show only ***1/2 or so. Something like “If you don’t like this, then you’ll never like anything we ever give you” because he had an elevated opinion of that bout. Brock’s in black trunks and looks like absolute MONEY with that huge, bulky muscular physique, while RVD’s in great tiger-striped tights.