animal

Scott Steiner and the LOD would watch this and be like “Shitting hell, ease it up a bit”.

Welcome back to more of wrestlers brutally abusing jobbers! This time I have TWO requests from Maffew, and matches featuring the four gods of taking liberties- the Steiner Brothers and the Legion of Doom! One has the guy fighting the LOD getting a big head about his position and no-selling, while the other is a standard Steiner Brothers squash, but their very first on WWF TV! Then Shelton Benjamin gets a fantastic squash by ragdolling Colin Delaney around like a video game physics engine gone mad!

Then it’s an SWS match, as Yoshiaki Fujiwara (aka the guy who made that armbar everyone uses today famous) effortlessly squashes a member of the Viet Cong Express from Stampede Wrestling, embarrassing him in the “shoot style”. And then it’s one of the most brutal beatings in WWF history, as AJA KONG from All Japan Women’s Wrestling comes to WWF RAW and beats the ever-loving shit out of Chaparrita ASARI to the point that VINCE McMAHON drops insider lingo on commentary about “Potatoes being thrown around the ring”.

THE ROAD WARRIORS (Hawk & Animal, w/ Paul Ellering) vs. KEN LUCAS & ZULU:
(AWA, Dec. 12th 1984)
* A request from Maffew, this one sees the LOD take on two guys I’ve never heard of- Zulu has a WWF superstar look (taller than either Warrior) but a receding hairline, and is an otherwise normal-looking black dude in red trunks. Lucas is an itty-bitty dwarfish man with a dad-bod and black trunks, and was apparently out of semi-retirement for this one, and wasn’t used to being treated like a jobber. Oh, “Huffy jobber” matches are always a mess. Cagematch says he debuted in *1960* and his finisher was an ABDOMINAL STRETCH if you wanna realize just what kind of an era he was from.

What ’80s jobbers see every time they close their eyes.

Hey look! I’m back with more horrific squashes! I was intending last week’s thing to be a one-off as I couldn’t otherwise think of what to do with those bouts (they’re hardly Dream Matches), but people noted a whole ton more! So here we are with Volume 2!

This week: The Legion of Doom rapidly tire of a fat jobber’s inability to take a clothesline right! Rick Rude in a famous bout where he works REALLY tight with poor Mark Starr! The Moondogs have way too much fun abusing the job guys of Memphis, Tennessee! Oh, and the time the Beverly Brothers absolutely murdered a poor bastard with the Shaker Heights Spike. We end with Paul Orndorff absolutely slaughtering a jobber in a way that looks more vicious than it actually was, then hits one of the greatest delusional heel promos in history immediately following it!

THE ROAD WARRIORS (Hawk & Animal, w/ “Precious” Paul Ellering) vs. RON ROSSI & GEORGE SOUTH:
(NWA World Wide Wrestling, June 22nd 1985)
* From way, way back, comes the early days of the Road Warriors, when they were in plain black tights and had more colorful facepaint. Hawk says “we don’t got nothin’ but rippling muscle, with which we are going to tear the Russians apart” which is a tremendous combination of “English Major” and “uneducated moron” grammar. Animal just screams “WE HATE RUSSIANS!”. They’re actually mentioned as being the AWA Tag Champs despite this being an NWA show. And now it’s time to destroy some jobbers. Both have amazing jobber looks- South’s pasty and hairy with a curly 1985 mullet and ‘stache, while Rossi’s just a big chubby guy. Both are in black trunks.

Davey Boy Smith was certainly a powerhouse! The British Bulldog lifts Big Van Vader and Mabel! from SquaredCircle

Rope-assisted or not, JESUS CHRIST.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This one I have a varied set of tag matches, interspersed with a terrible singles match! We start off with a random TV tag match between the newly-heel Men on a Mission and the Allied Powers (Lex Luger & British Bulldog), largely inessential save for one of the absolute motherfuckingest strength spots I’ve ever seen in wrestling on the part of Davey-Boy.

I also take an interesting look at the mentor figures of two guys we’re a lot more familiar with outside of Mexico, as it’s Rey Mysterio & Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Fuerza & Juventud Guerrera! Yes, our beloved Rey with his uncle, teaming up against a very young Juice and his own dad (who was a POWER wrestler, believe it or not!). Then it’s a request, as the “Million Dollar Corporation” gets a prelude as Ted DiBiase takes on Nikolai Volkoff in 1990 for one of Volkoff’s last matches before he left for a while. And finally, we have the last few minutes of a semi-infamous Hart Foundation vs. Legion of Doom match- an all-time Dream Match that Bret says was ruined by Hawk downing some somas immediately beforehand. It’s mostly interesting as an historical curiosity (and for a pretty great finish, actually).

MEN ON A MISSION (Mabel & Mo) vs. THE ALLIED POWERS (Lex Luger & British Bulldog):
(WWF TV, May 14th 1995)
* A wild match setting up the newly-heel Men on a Mission (pre-King Mabel) against the Allied Powers- a “Superteam” of sorts that just never got that big push. The M.O.M. have shifted their gear to add black to the purple & gold scheme, while Lex & Bulldog are in matching red white & blue gear with their own flags.

The “Two-Colored Mullet” look is really, uh, something.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And this time, I get to torture you all with the illustrious Cobra/Sgt. Craig Pittman feud! But first! A very odd one-off (considering they shared a company for years), as it’s “Macho Man” Randy Savage vs. the future Fit Finlay- back when he was the mullet-wearing Belfast Bruiser! This was back when Macho Man was still a regular wrestler on Monday Nitro and not just doing promos and beatdowns.

Also a co-headliner of sorts as the Road Warriors take on the Powers of Pain in 1988, shortly before the Warriors’ non-union Mexican equivalents bail for the WWF! And then it’s the WWF Jobber hell-zone that is Skinner vs. “Pump It Up!” Jim Powers in 1992!

But yeah, this is also the time I take a look at Sgt. Craig Pittman, who interested me a bit from the Kurasawa match I reviewed weeks ago. And turns out he sucked! Really bad! Come see HOW bad as he gets to fill tons of TV time on the D-shows with the “CIA Agent” Cobra, aka Jeff “nWo Sting” Farmer!

“THE MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE vs. THE BELFAST BRUISER:
(WCW Nitro, March 25th 1996)
* Yes, it’s MACHO MAN vs. FIT FINLAY! But it’s jobber-ish Bruiser with a brown mullet/buzzcut combo and a hideous mustache in addition to his goofy Mad Max one-shoulderpad leather jacket. They put over him using European uppercuts & smashing up Steven Regal’s face and OH MY GOD Heenan namedrops that it made Steven Regal’s face “look worse than Princess Di’s car that she smashed up” which is a reference that now reads COMPLETELY different (it was some other car accident, don’t worry!). Bruiser’s in a black singlet with “Ireland” across the front. Macho Man’s in white tights and is on the roids big-time.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a pretty spectacular bout from Mexico to lead off with, as all you nay-sayers shucking on El Dandy all the time will have to eat crow as he has an amazing, bloody Hair vs. Hair Match against El Satanico! I also take a look at a random WCW match, as the Road Warriors take on Dick Slater & Bunkhouse Buck in 1996. Also, my nightmare is your nightmare, as I subject you all to a SEVENTEEN MINUTE Ted DiBiase vs. Tatanka match, as the Million Dollar Man faces a green-ass Chris Chavis in a 1991 house show match that’s either a giant rib or a big test of what this kid can do (translation: nothing).

HAIR vs. HAIR MATCH:
EL DANDY vs. EL SATANICO:
(Empresa Mexicana De La Lucha Libre, Mexico, Dec. 16th 1990)
* This match is rated ****1/2 by the WON, so it seems to be El Dandy’s most jam-up match ever! I am completely unfamiliar with Satanico, but he’s been wrestling for a billion years and was about 37 here. His list of titles is as long as your arm, but I don’t know if any of these belts mean much- he’s the founder of the “Los Infernales” stable and Fandom says he’s one of the best trainers in Mexico. Dandy’s actually pretty muscular here (though he has a bad steroid belly), wearing long white tights, while Satanico has the same doughy pregnant physique El Dandy had in WCW seven years later, and he’s in a black singlet with flame designs on the legs. Satanico attacks El Dandy as soon as he hits the ring, smashing him into the post- he’s already busted open!

Sean Mooney and Bobby Heenan are this evening’s hosts.  Heenan insists that Vince McMahon is still getting cosmetic surgery.

WWF Tag Team Champions the Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart come out.  Hart says that his guys can do whatever they want because they are champions.  They drag a fan out of the audience and give them the Pit Stop.  Jerry Sags shoves his exposed toes into the poor fan’s mouth too.

The LOD vs. the RnRs! And not in FirePro! But don’t get too excited, because it’s short!

It’s time for another Dream Matches column! I was really surprised by how much of a reaction my 1995 KOTR one got, so I’ll have a 1996 version next week. This one features the one-time-only tag team match between the Road Warriors and the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express… except it’s given 4 minutes on a WWF D-Show and the Express are heels! Life is weird.

Also up is a DOUBLE-SHOT of Ahmed Johnson vs. Al Snow, as Ahmed takes on Shinobi in an infamous squash match, and then the next year faces the New Rockers’ “Leif Cassidy”. Then we get the Bruiser Brody Memorial Show weirdo match of Abdullah the Butcher & Jimmy Snuka against Stan Hansen & Tom Zenk of all people. And we end it with a WCW Lucha Libre show match starring Psychosis, Felino & El Mosco vs. Blitzkrieg, Venum & Super Calo!

THE LEGION OF DOOM vs. THE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL EXPRESS (w/ Jim Cornette, Jeff Jarrett & Barry Windham):
(WWF Shotgun Saturday Night, Jan. 24th, 1998)
* Yes, this is apparently the one and only time the friggin’ Road Warriors & R’n’Rs EVER FOUGHT, despite the vast amount of years both teams had been around, often in the same company. This seems impossible given how today’s wrestling is, but back then, I guess they just never wanted to run it. On this very blog, someone suggested it and Scott pointed out the Roadies weren’t gonna lose and the Express was better off getting the rub for teams who could play ball with them: https://blogofdoom.com/index.php/2020/05/19/road-warriors-vs-rnr/. All there ever was was a 4-way match I guess. So instead we get a four-minute bullshit match on a WWF D-show, and this is the only time these two legendary squads ever faced each other in a tag match… with Jim Cornette backing up the HEEL RnRs, who are advertised as the NWA Tag Team Champions. Life is weird.

The Express are in red tights with white tassels (coming down to the ROCKERS’ theme music of all things) while the LOD are sorta in their “LOD 2000” gear, with grey shoulderpads- an unusual look for the WWF. The Express are 40 and 42, yet both look nearly fifty- they did NOT age well.

Such a dream match that somebody played it in WWE2K19!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I find another match adding to the culmination of the break-up of the Rockers, as they take on the WWF Tag Team Champions in their final title shot!

Also up, a super-famous BUNGEE JUMP Match from the GWF in 1992. Also, a request, as the West Texas Rednecks take on… The Public Enemy? Yes, they’re back in WCW after they got chased out of the WWF by the Acolytes! Then it’s an apparently “semi-infamous” squash as Fit Finlay wrestles his normal match against Power Plant jobber Lorenzo, which is indistinguishable from Fit Finlay shooting on Power Plant jobber Lorenzo! Also one more PCO match, as Jean-Pierre Lafitte takes on Man Mountain Rock in one of the only “featured matches” Maxx Payne fought in the WWF.

WWF WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE LEGION OF DOOM (Hawk & Animal) vs. THE ROCKERS (Shawn Michaels & Marty Jannetty):
(Dec. 28th, 1991)
* Way, WAY at the end of the Rockers’ run comes their last shot at the World Tag Titles, as we get a rare Face vs. Face match against the unstoppable LOD in what’s truly a Dream Match. The LOD are in the usual, but the Rockers have on some bizarre technicolor shirt & tights combos, with neon stripes going up black middles and paint-splatter and tassels making up the rest of it. Ah, but they soon doff the shirts and look more like themselves. As someone pointed out last week, the Rockers were in a weird zone where they faced nearly everyone- babyface or heel- in the tag division during their time with the WWF. I surmised it was probably because they made everyone look good. The unusual match here is a giveaway that something’s gonna happen.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, we’ve got something weird- apparently when John Tenta was just starting out in wrestling, he was in ALL JAPAN of all places, teaming up with the Ace and weighing only 300-ish lbs., and fighting the legendary Road Warriors!

Also I found more of that bizarre Land of Giants team, as they take on… The Undertakers? Yes- it’s a pair of obese twins with a name the WWF actually bought off of them. Then wen see a “Battle of the Kings” as King Mabel decides to take out Ken Shamrock shortly after his King of the Ring victory- a shockingly good attempt at putting a guy over from MABEL of all people! And then, in a fantastically-terrible bout, come see the legendary POWER UTI, villain of Mick Foley’s first book and national hero of Nigeria, take on the worst wrestler in AEW- Doc “Super Festus” Gallows! And then we cap things off with WCW’s Wrath & Mortis vs. The Faces of Fear in a shockingly-good Hoss Brawl!

JUMBO TSURUTA & JOHN TENTA vs. THE ROAD WARRIORS (Hawk & Animal, w/ Paul Ellering):
(All Japan, 1987.6.8)
* Haha, oh Jesus- look at this! Baby John Tenta, fresh out of sumo and having lost a LOT of weight, is in the early stage of his pro wrestling career in All Japan as the Ace’s tag team partner, and they’re going up against the early form of the Road Warriors, in full black spike-vests and ’80s facepaint! Tenta, in his navy-blue singlet with a Canadian flag on it, is almost unrecognizable, being barely 300 lbs. and scarcely larger than Jumbo- he’s all straight lines! Even at 24 he’s lost almost all the hair on top of his head, though.

The height difference here is nuts. Like, Fred Ottman must always fight dudes of equal height because I completely forget sometimes that he DWARFS even men as big as Hawk.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I found an AMAZINGLY fun Hoss Match from Japan as the Natural Disasters go up against the Legion of Doom… with their “Iron Man” theme and incredible overness in Japan! That and Earthquake’s sumo credibility make for an incredibly fun bout.

And I found a great grab-bag of weird stuff for the column today: Did you know that when the Truth Commission split up, Bull Buchanan and the other guy were paired up for a couple of weeks as a team before being sent away and repackaged? Yup- come see “Armageddon” take on The Quebecers! Also my “Best of Roadblock” series continues as he’s set up against a pissed-off, lethal Giant! More of Jimmy Del Ray’s weird run as “Jimmy Graffiti” as he takes on Eddie Guerrero during Eddie’s early babyface push! And we cap off with Al Snow and a very young, green Kane as “Unabom” up against… Matt Hardy and Joey Abs? God SMW was weird.

WWF TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE LEGION OF DOOM (Hawk & Animal) vs. THE NATURAL DISASTERS (Earthquake & Typhoon, w/ Jimmy Hart):
(SWS/WWF in Japan, 12/12/1991)
* Okay, this is a fantastic one I saw split up in two on YouTube. The Road Warriors are of course famous in Japan and here come out to their old-school theme, “Iron Man”, and HOLY SHIT is that a massive game-changer to their act. Even with the cartoon WWF red & black spikes it’s a totally different effect, as awesome as their WWF music was- this was BORN to be a wrestling theme. Earthquake is of course known and respected in Japan as a former sumo (undefeated but quit over injuries and cultural rules and such)- he’s billed “Earthquake” John Tenta here. Right away I’m astounded as the two teams square up and even Typhoon is MUCH larger than either man. Like, Hawk & Animal ain’t small but Ottman has a couple inches on either one. This is in two parts on YouTube.

Smackdown
Date: March 17, 2006
Location: CenturyTelCenter, Bossier City, Louisiana
Commentators: Tazz, Michael Cole

It’s the go home show for Saturday Night’s Main Event, which is the last real stop on the Road to Wrestlemania. Things have been a little strange as of late as we have been building towards both shows at once, but Saturday Night is just a commercial for Wrestlemania anyway. Let’s get to it.

Smackdown
Date: March 3, 2006
Location: Verizon Center, Washington DC
Attendance: 11,700
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

It’s a big one tonight as we have the No Way Out rematch between Undertaker and Kurt Angle for the Smackdown World Title. That alone should be enough to carry this show as it feels like one of those main events where they are going to give it some extra attention. Certainly works for me. Let’s get to it.

Smackdown
Date: September 30, 2005
Location: Entertainment Center, Laredo, Texas
Attendance: 3,500
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

We’re almost ready for No Mercy and most of the card is either set or all but set. That makes for a show that is all about getting fans to want to buy the pay per view, which is often the hardest part. Maybe it works out well here though, even if the show might not seem like the biggest deal. Let’s get to it.

Smackdown
Date: September 9, 2005
Location: Gwinnett Center, Duluth, Georgia
Attendance: 4,000
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

It’s a big night as Smackdown moves over to Fridays, where it would stay for a very long time to come. This is a stacked card with Batista defending the World Title against JBL in a bullrope match, Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio in a cage match and Heidenreich/Animal defending the Tag Team Titles against MNM. Let’s get to it.

Impact Wrestling
Date: December 15, 2016
Location: Hardy Compound, Cameron, North Carolina
Commentators: Josh Matthews Jeremy Borash

I knew it would come. Tonight is Total Nonstop Deletion, meaning the entire show is taking place at the Hardy Compound in North Carolina. The big draw for the show is Tag Team Apocalypto with teams from “throughout time and space” showing up for one huge match with the Tag Team Titles on the line. There have been next to no spoilers leaked for this so I’m coming in blind. Let’s get to it.

Monday Nitro #278
Date: February 19, 2001
Location: Von Braun Civic Center, Huntsville, Alabama
Commentators: Scott Hudson, Tony Schiavone

At this point, I can’t imagine they’ll ever leave the southeast again. We’re past SuperBrawl and as is far too often the case with pay per views, not a lot happened. Scott Steiner retired Kevin Nash which I’m sure means he won’t be back whatsoever. We’ve got less than four weeks until Greed so this is the final time we’ll start the build to a pay per view. Let’s get to it.

Monday Nitro #275
Date: January 29, 2001
Location: Baltimore Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
Commentators: Scott Hudson, Tony Schiavone

It’s always weird to me when we reach the last every episode in a given month but this is the final ever episode of Monday Nitro in January. Ok so maybe this is just a way to fill in an opening because there isn’t much to talk about at the moment other than Nash vs. Steiner coming up in a few weeks. Let’s get to it.

Thunder
Date: January 24, 2001
Location: Lawrence Joel Memorial Coliseum, Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Tony Schiavone

We’re still just living in Ric Flair’s WCW as he and the Elite (the unofficial name at the moment) destroy everything in sight, though to be fair it’s more interesting than the Sid Rules The World stuff we sat through for so long. It’s getting closer to SuperBrawl with Kevin Nash getting the World Title shot against Scott Steiner because we’re just that lucky. Let’s get to it.

Monday Nitro #273
Date: January 15, 2001
Location: Allen County Coliseum, Fort Wayne, Indiana
Attendance: 4,836
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson

We’re past Sin and heading towards SuperBrawl with the big story being Scott Steiner retaining the World Title after Sid Vicious broke his leg. However the interesting thing (work with me here) was the Mystery Man being revealed as Animal, who sided with Steiner and Jeff Jarrett. Oh and Goldberg is retired. Forever. Let’s get to it.

I know I'm way late to the party on this, but after finally watching Guardians of the Galaxy over the weekend and seeing Batista totally nail the Drax character, is there any way that he isn't mega over with the fans the moment he decides to return? I remember feeling compelled – and oddly proud – to tell everyone that Dwayne Johnson was a wrestler after his surprisingly great performance in Rundown, and I kind of felt the same way about Batista in Guardians. Like, he wasn't just good for a wrestler, but legitimately good, as in people were talking about about how funny Drax was while they were filing out of the theater.

Provided that they don't have him squashing Rollins while Ambrose feuds with Bo Dallas, wouldn't the fans be decidedly in his corner this time around?

Man, fans are so weird these days it's hard to say.  But the problem with Batista as well is that WWE basically got shut out of promoting the movie because Marvel didn't seem to want to be associated with them.  So I don't know how much people are going to associate Batista The Awesome Movie Star with Batista the Wrestler.  I think it's far more likely that people remember his douchbag heel departure and they pick up that thread again.