1989 — page 2

WWF kicks off the new year with a few debuts and the Royal Rumble takes place.
WWF World Championship Scene: (currently held by: Randy Savage)
At the Royal Rumble on January 14th, Savage was eliminated from the
Rumble match by Hulk Hogan. Hogan had also tossed out Bad News Brown to
go along with Savage. However, being eliminated by Hogan didn’t sit well
with Savage at all. He had a brief argument with Hogan but was led to
the backstage are by Miss Elizabeth. However, before the end of the
show, Savage claimed that cooler heads had prevailed and that he and
Hogan were on the same page.

Throughout the month, Savage continued to have matches with Bad News
Brown on the house show market. Savage would be victorious each time
they fought. Savage easily won his feud with Brown.

WWF Intercontinental Championship Scene: (currently held by: the Ultimate Warrior)
At the Royal Rumble on January 14th, Warrior won a pose down competition
against Rick Rude. Rude didn’t take the lost well and ended up
attacking Warrior and choking him with a steel bar. Once he recovered
from the beating, Warrior attacked several officials before running to
the backstage area looking for Rude.

On the house show market, Warrior primarily competed against King Haku and came out victorious each time.

WWF World Tag Team Championship Scene: (currently held by: Demolition)
During the January 24th taping of WWF Superstars, it was announced that
Demolition would defend the tag team titles against the Powers of Pain
at WrestleMania V. They would continue to have several matches on the
house show market with Demolition retaining the titles each time.

Other Happenings:
– At the January 3rd taping of WWF Superstars, Brother Love brought out
snakes to show the world that Andre the Giant wasn’t actually afraid of
them. However, Bobby Heenan and Andre wouldn’t allow Love to open the
bag thus showing the world that Andre is indeed afraid of snakes. It
would be announced during the January 24th Superstars taping that Andre
would square off against Roberts at WrestleMania V. Roberts began to play
mind games with Andre during the same taping by saying over the PA
during Andre’s match that he and his snake Damien were watching Andre.

– Ted DiBiase began to mention that he was having a Million Dollar
Championship created. Several vignettes aired that saw DiBiase telling a
jeweler what he wanted the championship to look like. He also continued
his feud with Hercules on the house show market.

– During the January 3rd taping of WWF Superstars, Dino Bravo came
down to ringside during Jim Duggan’s match waving the Quebec flag. This
would lead to several flag matches on the house show market with Duggan
being victorious.

– The Bushwhackers made their WWF debut on WWF Superstars.

– Rick Martel made his return from an injury suffered back in June of 1988.

– Brooklyn Brawler made his debut.

– Continuing with the trend of debuts, the Rougeau Brothers debuted their new theme song “All American Boys”.

– During the January 4th taping of WWF Wrestling Challenge, WWF
Women’s Champion Rockin’ Robin brawled with Sherri Martel. Martel would
make it clear that she wanted a title shot against Robin.

– Ron Bass began a short feud with Brutus Beefcake which started at
the January 23rd MSG house show where Bass attempted to steal Beefcake’s
scissors. This caused Beefcake to lose to Mr. Perfect by count-out.
During the same show, Beefcake got some revenge by screwing Bass out of a
match against Tito Santana.

– The Brainbusters and the Rockers continued to have matches on the
house show market with each team picking up victorious over the course
of the month.

Royal Rumble 1989:
– Jim Duggan and the Hart Foundation defeated Dino Bravo and the Rougeau Brothers in a best two out of three falls bout.
– WWF Women’s Champion Rockin’ Robin defeated Judy Martin to retain the title.
– King Haku defeated Harley Race
– Big John Studd won a 30 man Royal Rumble.

Buy-rate:
Royal Rumble 1989: 1.5 

Bob’s Reaction: 
An enjoyable month worth of angle advancements from the WWF. Though, I hate the Bushwhackers. They were so much better as the Sheepherders in the NWA. Their comedy gimmick in the WWF got old really quick for me.

Ted DiBiase introducing his own personal championship is a great idea. It goes along well with the fact he has enough money to create it for himself.

The card for WrestleMania V, title match wise looks to be pretty good. Savage/Hogan, Warrior/Rude and Demolition/Powers of Pain.

I thought it was interesting that Big John Studd won the Royal Rumble. If the stipulation of winning a championship match at Mania had been introduced we would have gotten Savage/Studd instead. Personally, I didn’t think it was a great choice, but oh well.

What are your thoughts on the WWF in January of 1989?

Also, check out my blog Wrestling Recaps and if you enjoy the series support the blog by liking it on Facebook! 

(2012 Scott sez:  Another recent redo, so the added comments will likely be minimal.)  The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for WWF Summerslam 89 – Live from Jersey. – Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Jesse Ventura. The Brainbusters v. The Hart Foundation. Tully & Arn were fresh off winning the tag titles. This is non-title for reasons that have always eluded me, and eluded Bret Hart as well according to his book. (In kayfabe terms it was nont-title because the match was signed before the Busters won the belts, but then why not just make it a title match?  Especially since the champs were going over anyway.)  Bret gets a pair of armdrags on Tully to start and goes to work on the arm, then does the same with Arn when he switches in. The Harts stay on Arn’s arm and work him over in the corner, as Arn is unable to tag Tully due to double-teaming and legal reasons. Finally Tully comes in and immediately runs into trouble with Anvil, who rams him into the mat and goes back to the arm. Tully tries to beat on Neidhart in the corner to break, but Anvil no-sells and brings Bret back in for another hammerlock to keep Blanchard grounded. Tully reverses to a top wristlock, but Bret bridges to block it and powers into a reversal that sends the champs to the floor. Tully and Bret slug it out, but the champs smartly position Bret so that he doesn’t notice Arn sneaking up from behind to clobber him. AA misses a pump splash and the Harts clean house again. Bret hauls Tully back in and the Harts keep working on him in the corner, and Anvil drives him into the turnbuckles off a bearhug. It’s a pier-six brawl, but Arn pulls Tully out of the way of a charging Anvil and the tide is thus turned. The Busters go to work on the neck with double-teaming, and Tully goes to a rear chinlock. Over to Arn, who hits Neidhart in the gut for two, but gets tossed across the ring on the kick out. Nice touch. Anvil collides with Anderson, but Arn recovers first, so Bret gives him the cheapshot from the apron to mess him up. I loved that the Harts always cheated, even as babyfaces. It really gave them that edge that other teams like the Rockers were lacking. Bret gets the hot tag and slams everyone, then dropkicks Arn and hits Tully with the second rope elbow. Snap suplex gets two. Everyone is in and Bret collides with Tully while AA brawls with Anvil on the floor, and everyone seems a bit lost. Bret slingshots Anvil onto Tully once they get organized, and then Anvil slams Bret onto Tully, but Arn hits Bret behind the ref’s back and Tully is on top for the pin at 15:55. This was one of those 80s dream matches that more than lived up to the pedigree, although there was nothing particularly distinguishing about the action or the finish. ***1/2 Dusty Rhodes v. The Honky Tonk Man. We get the ass-shaking contest to start and Honky runs away from the Bionic Elbow. Back in, Dusty MESSES UP THE HAIR. What a cad. And now Dusty gets the elbow, and pounds away in the corner. Sadly, Jimmy Hart gets involved and breaks up the technical clinic, allowing Honky to nail Dusty with the megaphone and take over. We hit the chinlock and Dusty fights out quickly, but runs into a knee. Back to the chinlock and Honky slugs away in the corner, but falls victim to the Flip Flop and Fly. Ref is bumped (in THIS match?!) and Honky gets the guitar from Jimmy, but ends up taking it himself. Big fat elbow finishes at 9:38. Boring as hell, but Dusty is over like crazy here so it was watchable. *1/2 Mr. Perfect v. The Red Rooster. Shoving match to start and Perfect hiptosses Rooster and mocks him in between takedowns. Rooster gets all riled up and they criss-cross, but his knee gives way on a slam attempt and Perfect gets two. Standing dropkick puts Rooster on the floor, and back in Perfect pounds away as Taylor’s ankle is obviously wonky. They fight onto the floor and Perfect finishes quick with the Perfectplex at 3:20 with no offense evident from the Rooster. Pretty clear case of an early “go home” signal. Never had a chance to go anywhere thanks to the injury. *1/4 The Rockers & Tito Santana v. The Rougeaus & Rick Martel. Jacques starts with Tito and offers a handshake, but Tito wisely declines. The Rockers quickly come in and help Tito triple-team him and the faces clean house off that. Jacques tries again with Marty and catches a cheapshot, then Ray comes in for the crescent kick to take over. Martel slugs away in the corner, but Marty manages to tag Tito in and Martel runs away. Tito grabs a headlock on Raymond and slugs him down for two. The heels double-team him, however, and Martel finally comes in and stomps his former partner down. Jacques gets the dropkick and they cut off the ring, holding Tito in the heel corner. Tito fights out with a sunset flip on Martel for two, but Rick chokes him down again. The Rougeaus switch in for some more double-teaming, into the abdominal stretch from Jacques (with an assist from Martel) as the crowd gets hotter and hotter. Tito fights out, but Martel drops an elbow on him to stop the tag. Martel slugs away and tries a rollup, but Tito blocks it and fights back. Jacques comes in and Tito gets a cross body for two on him, but Jacques suckers the Rockers in and the heels do more damage behind the ref’s back. Raymond gets two, but Tito gets another sunset flip for two. Ray stomps him down again and goes to the chinlock as they’re just putting heat on Tito like crazy. Finally, hot tag Shawn and the place EXPLODES. He slugs on Martel in the corner and backdrops him, and a vertical suplex allows him to go up with the fistdrop. He presses Marty onto Martel and it’s BONZO GONZO as the place is just going nuts. Tito gets the forearm on Martel and knocks him out of the ring while the Rockers brawl with the Rougeaus. Marty reverses a rollup on Jacques, but Martel clobbers him and gets the pin at 15:14. Tremendous unsung classic six-man! Literally non-stop action here and hard work all around, back before Martel became a lazy bore in the ring. **** – Sadly, even this version omits the pre-match promo with Rick Rude and Bobby Heenan where the sign fell down and Gene swears on camera. C’mon, it’s nearly 20 years later, get over it production guys. Intercontinental title: Ravishing Rick Rude v. Ultimate Warrior. So of course Rude screwed Warrior out of the belt at Wrestlemania V, in what was Warrior’s first good match, well, ever, so they had a lot to live up to here. Warrior was already starting to feud with Andre and Rude was programmed with Roddy Piper, so it was obvious that this feud was over one way or another after tonight. This matchup was kind of like the Batista-Undertaker of its time, as they just had freakish chemistry against each other for whatever reason. Rude tries slugging away to start, and gets nowhere. Warrior clotheslines him to the floor, but Rude comes back in with a sunset flip, which Warrior blocks by punching him. Gorilla press follows, and Warrior opts to dump Rude on the floor for a nice bump. They brawl outside and Warrior hits him with the belt, triggering a classic rant by Jesse Ventura about whether it’s legal to shoot someone outside the ring and how Tony is even stupider than Gorilla Monsoon. But tell us what how you really feel, Jesse. Warrior brings him in, then changes his mind and tosses him again. Back in, Warrior goes up with a double axehandle for two. He whips Rude into opposite turnbuckles and slams him for two. Suplex gets two. Warrior gets an inverted atomic drop, giving Rude a chance to do his tailbone sell, and Warrior drops him on his ass for good measure. Back to the top for LUCHA WARRIOR~!, but Rude brings him down the hard way to take over. Rude starts working on the back and a suplex gets two, then he goes to the rear chinlock. He stomps the back and goes for the Rude Awakening, but Warrior powers out of it, so Rude goes with a rare sleeper instead. Criss-cross and the ref is bumped, but Heenan manages to shake Rude out of it first. Warrior hulks up and powerslams Rude after the three clotheslines, and of course there’s no ref. Piledriver, and that gets two. Running powerslam sets up the big splash, but Rude gets the knees up to block. Rude gets his own piledriver, almost a powerbomb, for two. To the top for the fistdrop, and that gets two, but now Roddy Piper joins us. Another piledriver gets two and Rude gets all distracted by Piper, who moons him in response. And that was six years before Braveheart! Warrior suplexes the distracted Rude, and it’s shoulderblock, gorilla press, big splash and we have a new champion at 16:03. The reaction for this was GIGANTIC and anyone who wouldn’t have taken a shot with Warrior as World champion after seeing this is nuts. Even more than Warrior! And this one of the few times, I might add, where Rude got what was coming to him and did a clean job. Definitely one of the best matches of Warrior’s career. ***1/2 Demolition & King Duggan v. Big Bossman, Akeem & Andre the Giant. Again I ask: How can Duggan purport to be a true American and yet support a monarchy? Akeem gets worked over in the Demo corner to start and they work on the arm, and Ax elbows him out of the corner. Bossman comes in to try and gets pounded by Ax, then gets into a slugfest with Smash and loses. Ax comes in and gets caught in the heel corner, and that brings Andre in for a buttdrop to take over. Andre is looking positively svelte here, actually. He must have been on a two-bottle-a-day diet or something. Andre chokes Ax down and Bossman adds a headbutt, but Akeem misses a charge and hits the turnbuckles. Smash gets a hot tag and slams both Towers, which is pretty cool, but runs into Andre and goes down fast. Bossman drops an elbow for two. Everyone brawls and Andre headbutts Duggan down, but he recovers and hits Akeem with the board to give Smash the pin at 7:26. Short and inoffensive with no resting, so that’s all you can ask. ** Hercules v. Greg Valentine. Ronnie Garvin is your biased ring announcer. You know, given how much I’m digging his NWA run from 1985 on 24/7 right now, it’s a real letdown watching him sleepwalk through his WWF stuff. Herc clotheslines Valentine for two and gets a slam for two. Valentine hits the floor to escape that awesome offensive onslaught, but Hercules gets a rollup for two. Valentine goes for the leg and heads up, but Herc catches him with a punch coming down and slugs away. Suplex and Hercules pounds away in the corner, but he gets taken down and pinned at 3:02. This went nowhere. 1/2* Ron Garvin decides to award the match to Hercules anyway. That’s an abuse of his authority as ring announcer, and I hope he was stripped of his license. Ted Dibiase v. Jimmy Snuka. Yay, more time-filler. Dibiase tries attacking but gets chased off. Snuka goes after Virgil and then chops Dibiase and atomic drops him to the floor, and Dibiase regroups out there. Back in, they mistime a criss-cross and Snuka pounds him in the corner, but Dibiase slugs him down in turn. Snuka comes back with a backdrop out of the corner, but walks into a stungun as Dibiase takes over. Suplex gets two. Dibiase slams him and goes up for the elbow, which misses as usual. Snuka fights back with a flying headbutt from the middle rope, and he goes up to finish. Superfly splash is interrupted by Virgil, and Dibiase hits him from behind and sends him into the post for the countout win at 6:24. Ugh, two shitty finishes in a row. *1/2 Hulk Hogan & Brutus Beefcake v. Randy Savage & Zeus. Y’all know what a trainwreck the Zeus thing was, like if say WCW made a movie with David Arquette as the star and then brought him in as a wrestler and even put the World title on him. Hogan slugs on Zeus to no effect, and immediately gets choked down. Beefcake breaks it up but gets caught in the bearhug, and then Hogan gets more of the same. Macho Man, in badass white tights, comes in with the double axehandle and knees Hogan into the corner to set up the hooking clothesline for two. We hit the chinlock already, wasting no time in sucking, but Hogan fights free, only to walk into a cheapshot from Zeus on the apron. Zeus comes back in with his one move, the bearhug, and it’s looking bleak for Hulkamania. That lasts FOREVER before Savage interrupts the monotony and comes in with a backdrop suplex for two. Savage misses a charge and Hogan brings Beefcake in, and a high knee gets two on Savage. Sleeper follows and Savage is fading fast, but he manages to ram Beefcake into the top turnbuckle to break. And yay, it’s back to Zeus, but Beefcake goes to his one weak spot: The crazy eye. Savage, however, uses Sherri’s loaded purse to knock Beefcake out, and gets two. Beefcake is face-in-peril and Zeus adds another move to his repertoire by choking Brutus out in several different ways, looking about as menacing as Wayne Brady in the process. Savage comes in and collides with Beefcake for the double knockout. So it’s hot tag to Hogan again and he suplexes Savage in from the apron, but Sherri hooks the leg and Macho gets two. Savage clotheslines him down again and goes up for the big elbow, but who’s kidding who at this point? Hulk doesn’t even take a count, hulking up right away to set up the big showdown with Zeus. Hulk finally knocks him down, and then gets the HANDBAG OF DEATH and slams Z to set up the legdrop and pin at 15:08. Crowd was hot for all of it, but it was all chinlocks and choking and bearhugs. ** The Pulse: This show doesn’t get much love, but although the main event sucked ass there was some really good stuff here, including the six-man match and the opening non-title tag match. A hot crowd helps a lot as well. Recommended.

The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for WCW Great American Bash 89 – This is yet another one of those rants from 1996 that I was never entirely happy with, so here’s a redone version, now with proper play-by-play and match times. Most of my comments and feelings on the show still stand, though, so don’t expect much in the way of new insight here. This is being done from the Turner video, not the live PPV version, so it’s been hacked down to 125 minutes, albeit in expert form by the Turner video guys.  (The thing that really pissed me off the most about losing WWE 24/7 was that they showed the full PPV version of this show something like the WEEK after it was dropped by Sasktel.)    – Live from Baltimore, Maryland. – Your hosts are Jim Ross & Bob Caudle. – Opening match: “King of the Hill” double ring battle royale finals. Kinda like the Bunkhouse Stampede of years past, the NWA held a series of battle royales, with 20 of the winners competing here in the finals for a bunch of money. Whee. When you’re eliminated from the first ring, you go to the second ring and another battle royale ensues for the losers. Winner of A v. Winner of B for the money. Our contestants this evening: Mike Rotundo, Kevin Sullivan, Ranger Ross, Eddie Gilbert, Steve Williams, Terry Gordy, Rick Steiner, Scott Steiner, Sid Vicious and Dan Spivey. Meandering brawl to start. Ranger goes first, and thus moves to the other ring. (No truth to the rumor that he tried to burn down the first ring to conceal the evidence of his elimination.)  Ron Simmons (with a huge Foley-ish ass going on there) gets tossed, and moves to the other side to pummel Ross. However, he misses a charge and goes out. Man, eliminated by Ranger Ross AND forced to wear a gladiator outfit in 1996. Could Ron’s career suck any more? Scott Hall (with well-conditioned blond hair and a porn star moustache) and Terry Gordy move to the other ring, taking Bill Irwin with them. We’re clipped closer to the end, as Sid runs the table in Ring A until it’s down to him and Brian Pillman. Insert obvious squeegee joke here. (I SAID, did you go find your SCISSORS?) In Ring B, it’s down to Dan Spivey, Steve Williams and Mike Rotundo. Williams & Rotundo slug it out until a botched spot sees Captain Mike going over the top, and Spivey disposes of Doc shortly thereafter, at 8:28 shown. So of course, to completely negate the point of the thing, Sid Vicious wins ring A and Dan Spivey wins ring B and they agree to split the money rather than fight. Damn that SD Jones for setting that precedent in the 80s. An interesting opener with a cheap ending. I don’t rate battle royales. – Wild Bill Irwin v. Brian Pillman. JIP as Brian gets tossed. This is pretty much right after Brian’s debut in the NWA. Back in, Irwin chokes away, but crotches himself on a charge. Pillman comes back with a pair of dropkicks and a lariat. Splash gets two. He goes up, but misses a dropkick. Irwin pounds on him and hits a gutwrench for two. He dumps Pillman right into the other ring, but Brian outsmarts him by hitting a bodypress from that ring back into the original ring for the pin at 2:42 shown. Good enough. *1/2 – The Skyscrapers v. The Dynamic Dudes. Here’s a kicker for ya: The Skyscrapers had the love and respect of the smark fans in the audience here, and those fans hated later smark darlings Shane Douglas & Johnny Ace. (Ho ho, I wouldn’t call Johnny Ace a “smark darling” any longer, 2002 Scott.)  When Sid is in they cheer, and when Sid isn’t in they chant “We want Sid!”. That, my friends, is why Sid got pushed as much as he did despite sucking: Because the NWA *listened* to what the fans wanted to see. Not just company line like the WWF spews, but they actually paid attention and got rid of what didn’t work instead of pushing it down people’s throats. We’ll pretend that the Dynamic Dudes didn’t exist for the sake of argument here. The same argument applies somewhat to Hogan today, but in this case the argument generally isn’t “Hogan shouldn’t be on TV”, it’s “Hogan shouldn’t be booked in serious angles as World champion and put into a position to carry the company”. JIP as Sid works Shane’s back over as only he can by applying a clawhold to the back. What’s he trying to do, massage him to death? Sid tags out and the crowd boos. Spivey slams Shane as the “We Want Sid” chants start. Spivey misses a flying headbutt as the world over asks “What the fuck was he trying that for?” Hot tag Johnny, but even the awesome power of the rampaging babyface isn’t enough to do any damage. Man, that’s just cold. A flying clothesline gets two, but Sid calmly dismantles both guys to the delight of the jaded crowd. The Skyscrapers clothesline each other in a very contrived spot, but Sid doesn’t sell, then stops to nail Johnny again before Spivey puts the poor guy out of his misery with a powerbomb at 3:11 shown. See, now THAT was a squash. ½*  (I’m sure Johnny got his revenge by wishing Sid well in his future endeavours at some point in the future after this.)  – Everything from this point on is complete on this tape. – Tuxedo Match: Jim Cornette v. Paul E. Dangerously. Of course, today everyone is VERY familiar with the Cornette/Heyman two-sided snipefest that seems to result every time one of them mentions the other, but back then they were just a pair of managers feuding with each other in storyline terms. The relationship only went downhill from there.  (I’d say Heyman won that feud overall, since he’s still employed by WWE and Cornette has basically burned all his remaining bridges.)  In storyline terms, it’s the final match in the Midnight Express feud, as both of Dangerously’s Express pretenders had been bounced from the NWA by Cornette’s team until this was all that remained. Cornette pops Dangerously in the mouth, but Paul uses powder to take over. Dangerously slugs away and Cornette bails, so Paul injects a little psychology into things by pounding on Cornette’s infamous injured knee. Cornette gets posted, but crawls in. Both guys are selling like nuts. Paul gives him some shocking stiff shots for a comedy match, but misses an elbow. JR’s comment about how Paul was “watching the mat the whole time, but still missed” is one of the funniest lines he gets here. Cornette hulks up, however, and lays in his own stiff shots. Bob Caudle seems exceptionally excited to see male nudity. Paul’s shirt gets torn off, but they collide for a double KO. Sneaky Paul E goes for more powder, but irony rears her ugly head as Cornette kicks it back in his face and yanks his pants off for the win at 3:54. Among manager v. manager comedy gimmick matches, this was certainly near the top of the heap. I don’t rate tuxedo matches, though. – Texas Tornado match: Rick & Scott Steiner v. The Varsity Club. Notable for three reasons: 1) It’s the final blowoff for the whole Varsity Club feud, end of the line, fini, everyone lives happily ever after; 2) It’s the PPV debut of Scott Steiner and the debut of the Steiner Brothers, period; 3) It’s the first appearance on PPV of the Kevin Sullivan style ECW-ish brawl that he would book into the ground over the next 9 years. (This was set up, for those curious, by Rick winning the TV title from Rotundo at Starrcade 88, and then dropping it back to him at Chi-Town Rumble due to his own crushing stupidity, namely letting himself get pinned while applying a sleeper hold.  He brought in his brother for the final showdown.)  Big brawl to start, and it never lets up. Rick & Kevin head outside for some mindless violence and pound each other with chairs, but Rick gets crotched on the railing. It’s like Kevin Sullivan’s signature or something to have one of the guys crotching themselves on the railing. In the ring, Rotundo and Scott do some wrestling, while Rick hits Kevin with a nearby table. I mean, he literally picks the whole thing up and uses it like a weapon as if this were an N64 WWF game or something. So Kevin uses the stairs while Scott hammers Rotundo and gets a hiptoss. The Varsity Club double-teams Rick with lariats, but Rick suplexes Sullivan. Scott puts Rotundo in the Tree of Woe while Rick powerslams Sullivan. Rotundo escapes and suplexes Scott, and Sullivan & Rick take the opportunity to brawl out again. Rick loses that battle, allowing the Varsity Club to double-team Scott and try stereo pinfalls. Rick then blocks a sunset flip by headbutting Kevin Sullivan in the groin about 18 times. No wonder Nancy left him for Benoit. (Now we all wish she hadn’t, of course.)  Scott cradles Rotundo for two. Another double-team on Scott, and Sullivan grabs a STRETCHER for use as a weapon. Scott tosses Rotundo and when Sullivan tries to slam Rick, the Steiners dog-pile him for the pin at 4:44. Literally all action, bell-to-bell. ***1/4 – World TV title match: Sting v. The Great Muta. Sting is mighty mighty over here, and Muta is no slouch himself. How they managed to develop two overnight sensations like these guys, build them to main event level, and then destroy both of them by the end of 1990 boggles my mind to this day. Sting dives over the ring to attack a stalling Muta to start, and they head back to the intended ring, where Muta hits a precise chop off the top and pounds him. Handspring elbow and backbreaker set up the moonsault, which misses. He lands on his feet, however, and readjusts with an enzuigiri that puts Sting on the floor. Muta follows with a pescado. Back in, Sting clotheslines him and heads up for another one. It gets two. Dropkick and Muta bails, and they brawl. Back in, Sting gains control and gets a plain old slam for two. Muta reverses a suplex into the sleeper. Jim Ross is truly in his glory here playing up the “All American Boy v. Evil Japanese Monster” angle. If he had better material to work with these days, he might not be such a parody of himself. Sting makes the ropes and gets a press-slam. Elbow misses, so Muta hits the Power Elbow (still the best elbowdrop I’ve ever seen) and hits the chinlock. He takes it to an abdominal stretch, and into that cradle that Hogan is so fond of these days. I am proud to note that he both remembers to hook the left leg (as Gorilla Monsoon would have pointed out) AND use the ropes for leverage (as Jesse Venura would have pointed out). He tosses Sting, but Sting has had enough of Muta’s shenanigans and pops right back in. Muta casually pokes him in the eyes to end that bit of jingoism. He starts throwing the low kicks in the corner, but the Handspring misses. Sting comes back with a bulldog and JR is about 3 seconds removed from waving the American flag and signing the Star Spangled Banner in Sting’s honor. That’s not a knock on him —  Evil Foreigner angles will always have a place in wrestling when done properly. Standing dropkick sends Muta out, but they mistime the tope spot. Back in, the dreaded RED MIST OF DEATH is unleashed, but the ref gets it and he’s blind! So how do you tell the difference? Stinger splash misses, and Muta gets this awesome cocky look on his face as a result, before hitting a beautiful moonsault as Tommy Young runs in to count two. JR, the entire audience and (originally) myself all thought that was the finish.  (Should have been.)  Muta gets frustrated and throws a high kick that misses by a mile, allowing Sting to get a backdrop suplex for the pin at 8:06. However, video replay would reveal one or more shoulders being lifted at two, leaving the title vacant for months, until Muta won the rematch. This was total state-of-the-art high-impact speed/power wrestling at the time, and remains really peachy keen today. **** – US title match: Lex Luger v. Ricky Steamboat. The storyline here is that everyone in the NWA and the audience wants this to be a no-DQ match, except of course for Lex Luger. He protests on general principles, and finally Steamboat caves and drops the stipulation. Even a monster heel turn couldn’t dent Luger’s popularity, as he gets one of the biggest superhero pops of the night. Lex overpowers him to start, but gets cradled for one. Small package gets two. Cradle gets two. Two dropkicks and Ricky starts chopping like a motherfucker. Man, I remember the days before Luger’s scrotum fell off. He wisely bails before his chest starts swelling up. They brawl and Steamboat is like “You think those were bad? Take THIS and THIS and THAT!” and just unloads monster chops that are like 1.2 Benoit. He gets an atomic drop, too, but being that he’s a total idiot he lets Luger get into the ring first and walks right into a kneelift coming back in. They head out and Luger beats him to a pulp, but Steamboat pulls out the chops again. Back in, Steamboat goes up, but gets caught. Backbreaker follows and Luger goes for that general area. Press slam pops the crowd. Elbow to the back gets two. Then a really cool spot, as Luger protests the speed of the count, and specifically instructs Tommy Young to count “123” instead of “1..2..3” next time. So of course Steamboat cradles him and Tommy gets off an ultra-fast two count. Little details like that are missing nowadays. JR & Caudle don’t even pound the joke into the ground like Michael Cole would today it’s just a subtle little thing that’s put there for people who are paying attention. Steamboat is about to make a comeback, so Luger just MURDERS him with three clotheslines, allowing Steamboat to do his most dramatic punch-drunk oversell. (In retrospect, Luger as Super-heel and Steamboat the overselling babyface is a brilliant combo and I don’t know why they didn’t run it into the ground, because it was pretty awesome.)  Luger hotshots him, but Steamboat goes back to the chops again. A cheapshot ends that, and Luger gets a powerslam for two. Steamboat tries again with a bodyblock for two, but Lex atomic drops him. However, he puts his head down and falls prey to a neckbreaker. Luger, now frustrated, charges and goes over the top, and Steamboat won’t let him back in, smartly fighting from a distance and forcing Luger to expend energy while trying to make it into the ring again. See, it’s the DETAILS. Steamboat tries a slam back in, but Luger reverses for two. Steamboat charges and misses and Luger goes up, but gets slammed off. Steamboat goes for the kill with more chops, and gets the flying karate chop to set up the finish. However, Luger backdrops him into the other ring and we move there. Luger fetches a chair, obviously trying for the DQ, but Steamboat catapults him into it, which Tommy Young appears ready to ignore. However, Steamboat snaps and starts pounding him with the chair, and Tommy can’t ignore THAT and gives Luger his DQ at 10:26. Steamboat makes sure to get his money’s worth, though. See what happens when a match is smartly laid out and both guys are unselfish enough to sell the shit out of each others’ offense? You only help yourself by taking the chops like a MAN and not trying to hog every bit of offense for yourself. This was probably Luger’s best singles match outside of Flair, bar none. ****1/2 – WarGames: Michael Hayes, Jimmy Garvin, Terry Gordy, Samu & Fatu v. Stan Lane, Bobby Eaton, Steve Williams, Hawk & Animal. This was, for all intents and purposes, only the second year for WarGames, as the 1988 version was never shown anywhere that I’m aware of. (It ended up on a WWE DVD!) Garvin starts with Eaton as the first two victims. They slug it out, which Eaton of course wins. He gets a neckbreaker, but Garvin slugs back. Eaton gets an atomic drop, but runs into a foot. Eaton tastes the cold steel of cage (which, as JR would note some 12 years later, does not taste like chocolate), and gets choked. He slugs back, but gets forearmed by Garvin. Hayes lays on the badmouth for good measure, as a running gag develops on the outside with Dangerously promising to the camera every chance he gets that Hayes will be the next one in the match. Eaton comes back with a pair of backbreakers that set up a Boston crab, but Gordy (and not Hayes, as promised) is the next in. Dangerously assures the camera that Hayes is coming right up. Things go badly for Bobby in the 2:00 2-on-1 segment, as they send him to the cage repeatedly. Dr. Death is next in for the babyfaces to make the save, and it’s MIRACLE VIOLENCE time. He goes for Gordy and presses him into the ceiling of the cage an insane EIGHT times. Garvin chokes Eaton as the heels regain the momentum. Williams sends Gordy to the cage, and Samu is in next. But don’t worry, Hayes is coming right away. Yup. They target the good Doctor and Gordy gives him a backdrop suplex while Garvin handles Eaton. Doc keeps coming back, but Gordy & Samu double-team him. Animal comes in to even the odds again, and he whomps righteous ass on everyone. Big boot for Samu, and when he retreats to the other ring to escape, Animal follows with a shoulderblock over the ropes. The faces clothesline anything that moves until Fatu makes it 4-on-3 again. The SST work Animal over with lots of headbutts. Gordy chokes out Doc to keep him occupied. Stan Lane is next, and various heels taste the unforgiving steel. Doc & Animal just clothesline the shit out of the SST while the Express handle Garvin. Hayes is finally in last for the heels (“I gotta go in?” he asks Dangerously. “There’s no one left!” Paul replies. “Damn.” ) , and he starts DDTing everyone. He celebrates with some strutting. Things look bleak for our heroes as the heels pound away, but Hawk enters to begin the Match Beyond. Bodies are flying everywhere and now Eaton returns the DDT receipt to all the heels, and everyone moves to one side and slugs it out. The LOD try a Doomsday Device on Gordy, but Garvin breaks it up. However, he’s actually walked into a trap, as Hawk kills him with a lariat, gives him a bunch of neckbreakers, and then puts him in the Hangman for the submission at 22:22. That was, to coin a phrase, a true slobberknocker. **** Just for fun, the heels wait until everyone but Animal has left, and then jump him for the huge post-match massacre. Hey, they’re the bad guys, you expect sportsmanship? – NWA World title: Ric Flair v. Terry Funk. The storyline is simple: Flair regained the title at WrestleWar, and jealous ringside judge Funk decided to come out of retirement and make a grandstand challenge on the spot. Flair rightly turned him down, so Funk threw a tantrum and piledrove Flair through the ringside table, breaking his neck. And now Flair’s back and he wants sweet, sweet revenge. Flair wastes no time, attacking on the floor, and Funk wants none of that action. Flair chases and pounds away, so Funk runs for cover again. Into the ring, Funk chops away, but Flair returns fire with cherries on top. Funk takes a powder again, so they brawl outside. Flair gets posted, and Funk pounds him. Back in, a suplex gets two. He starts targeting the neck, so Flair takes a breather of his own. When he gets to the apron, they fight over a suplex, and both guys tumble to the floor. Chops are exchanged, and then eyepokes. Back in, Funk goes for his first try at a piledriver, but Flair reverses. More brawling and now Flair works the neck. Back in, he drops the knee on it, twice, for two. A pair of piledrivers and Funk is dead. Finished. Kaput. Done. DOA. However, he has enough left to bail and make a run for it. Flair heads him off and they slug it out, which Flair wins back in the ring and gets two. Backdrop suplex sets up the figure-four, but Funk is smart enough to grab the branding iron and tattoo Flair with it to break the hold. Flair starts bleeding as a result, and now Funk chooses that moment to hit the long-awaited piledriver. It only gets two, so Funk rips up the mats on the floor. Flair reverses that piledriver attempt, but Funk gets three neckbreakers back in the ring. Flair gets that branding iron for himself, however, and soon both guys are bleeding. They brawl out and in, and Flair hammers away on the cut. He misses a charge and hurts his knee, so Terry goes for the spinning toehold. Ric grabs his free leg and trips him up to set up the figure-four, but Terry reverses to an inside cradle for two, which Flair reverses again for the pin at 16:20. The psychology was a little goofy, but the brawl was super-intense and had tons of blood. ****1/4 Muta & Funk then do the classic beatdown of Flair that leads to Flair & Sting v. Funk & Muta at the first Halloween Havoc. The Bottom Line: Untouched by the ravages of time and sports entertainment bullshit, this show remains the pinnacle of the early NWA PPV era and the single greatest wrestling PPV ever produced. The matches, while slightly shorter than usual, have absolutely no wasted space in them and almost zero resting, as everyone turned it up about 150 notches for this show and put on a blowaway effort in every sense of the word. But is Wrestlemania X-7 a better show? Well, comparing the top matches. – Rock/Austin v. Flair/Funk Better storyline for Bash, better match for WM. Give the edge to the WWF here. – TLC3 v. WarGames – Better gimmick for the Bash, more eye-popping spotfest for WM. Since the styles are so drastically different, call it a push. – HHH/Undertaker v. Steamboat/Luger No contest here, I think, comparing power v. technique matches. Luger could MOVE back in the day, whereas UT has been in slow motion since he returned in 2000. Definite edge to the Bash here. – Sting/Muta v. Benoit/Angle. Too close to call. Both featuring state-of-the-art stuff and hot new workers. However, Sting/Muta had an actual backstory and buildup, whereas Benoit/Angle was just thrown together the week before the show, so I’m gonna give the edge to the Bash again. So the final tally: 2-1-1 for the Great American Bash, winner and STILL PPV champion for the foreseeable future. And in case you haven’t figured it out, HIGHEST recommendation. Ever. (I can see why this one might not be as beloved by those who didn’t live through the time period, but much like comic books, the golden age of wrestling is defined by the person, not the era.) 

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1989. – Live from Houston, Texas. – Your hosts are Jesse and Gorilla.– Opening match, 2/3 falls: Hacksaw Duggan & The Hart Foundation v. The Rougeau Brothers & Dino Bravo. Neidhart and Bravo do the feeling out process until a pier-six erupts and Bret gets decked by the heels to become face-in-peril. I think Dino Bravo does the most dramatic tag in the history of wrestling. Rougeaus get a quick fall on Hart with La Bombe Des Rougeaus. Hart gets the holy hell beat out of him as the Rougeaus and Bravo run through their entire offense on the poor guy. Jesse points out the inherent idiocy of chanting “USA” for the Canadian Hart. No wonder he got so bitter in 1997. Harts do the false tag bit. Bret takes more of a beating. This entire second fall is just non-stop Bret beatdown. Hot tag to Duggan and you’d think Steve Austin just came out from the pop. Anvil gets slingshotted (slingshotten? slungshot?) in onto Jacques for two, and Duggan drops an elbow for three to take the second fall. Now Duggan is Ricky Morton. Is it me, or does Jacques do an awful lot of moves that involve rubbing his crotch into someone’s face? I take a Dorito break. It should be noted that Cool Ranch Doritos and Rolo candy are the only food products (outside of various brands of iced tea) that I would ever agree to shill were I to become a celebrity. (2012 Scott sez:  I would like to update that list to include Rockstar energy drinks and Big Turk chocolate bars.  Really gets you through the workday.)  Hart gets the hot tag, and Duggan bops Bravo with the 2×4 to give Bret the pin. It had it’s moments. **1/2 – Ted Dibiase draws his number for the Rumble, and ends up seeking a trade with Slick. HTM, the Bushwhackers, Bad News Brown, Jake the Snake and the Rockers all draw as well, with varying degrees of happiness. Today, Shawn gets 20 minute interview blocks. Back then, he turns to Marty and says “Good luck”.  (2012 Scott sez:  But the WAY he said it made you think he’d be a star.  OK, I’m just saying that.  But I do really miss the drawing segments where people react to their luck of the draw.)  – WWF Women’s title match: Rockin’ Robin v. Judy Martin. For those who weren’t around back then, Rockin’ Robin (Robin Smith, sister of Jake Roberts) beat Sherri Martel to win the Women’s title and basically tank the division. Picture Sam Houston, except even skinnier. The push was a disaster, given the utterly dead crowd reaction to her. This match is pretty decent by the generally crappy standards of the time, with non-stop two counts, although myself and the crowd couldn’t give shit one about it. Robin hits a bodypress off the second rope after a head-fake for the pin. **3/4 – Slick responds to the accusations of tampering with the draw. These kinds of little, non-drawn-out, character building segments are lacking today, especially in WCW. – Super Posedown. Today, this is the very definition of something that goes on Nitro or RAW rather than a PPV. In this case, it’s out there to build to the Rude-Warrior match at Wrestlemania V. Rude poses. The crowd boos. Warrior poses. The crowd cheers. Rude poses again. The crowd boos. Warrior poses (with Jesse actually analyzing the posing). The crowd cheers. Rude poses. The crowd boos. Warrior poses. The crowd cheers. Geez, why didn’t Rude just attack him during the first pose? Rude goes through a pose medley. The crowd boos. Warrior goes through a pose medley and (duh) Rude attacks him. Bit of a waste of 15 minutes when it could have been done on Superstars. I mean, really, who DIDN’T see that coming? I know I bitch about the WCW Sledgehammer of Plot a lot, but this is really a shining example of what I mean by it. Even if it was the WWF.  (2012 Scott sez:  Weird that I gave this more play-by-play treatment than most of the matches on this show.)  – Crown match: King Haku v. Harley Race. The story: Race was King, but got put through a table by the Orange Goblin and basically had his career ended. This was a one-shot comeback match to “legitimize” Haku’s claim to the crown. Haku controls with “martial arts” (which roughly translated means “chops while screaming”) but Race wins a headbutt battle (he’s got a loaded head, you know) and hits a piledriver for two. Race with more 70s offense and goes for a piledriver on the floor, but Haku backdrops out of it. They fight for a bit and then Race hits the piledriver for real. Pretty weak one, though. Crowd is gone, not really caring about either guy. More kneedrops and neckbreakers from Race, but Haku fights back with “martial arts” and a headbutt off the top, which misses. Race tries the same, and misses. Double knockout, and Race is up first. He comes off the ropes and eats Haku’s SWEET thrust kick finisher for the pin to retain the crown. Pretty good job of carrying the un-carryable Haku by Race, actually. ***  (2012 Scott sez:  I wouldn’t actually call Haku “un-carryable”.  I’ve seen people get a good match out of him given the right circumstances.)  – More pre-Rumble soundbites from the participants. Big John Studd gives a horrible interview. Savage sounds pretty whacked out. The Powers of Pain breathe heavily a lot. – Five minute intermission. – We’re back with last-minute words from Dibiase, who is now MUCH happier. But there’s no shenanigans, no sir. – The Heenan Family adds their thoughts. Andre the Giant notes that he’ll toss the Brainbusters out if he has to. Then, in a spectacular moment, Arn Anderson whispers something in Tully Blanchard’s ear, behind Heenan’s back. Now who else would actually have the forethought to add overtones of scheming against his own stable-mates without actually having to say so?  (2012 Scott sez:  Arn Anderson was the master of “shades of grey” years before Russo ever came to power.)  – The Orangle Goblin spouts hot air. – The Royal Rumble: We start with a classic moment: Ax draws #1, Smash draws #2. Then, to reinforce the idea of the Rumble, they give a quick look and then go to town on each other. The Demos demonstrate why they never fought each other, because their segment is pretty lousy. Andre the Giant gets #3. The Demos immediately drop their hostilities and go after Andre. Andre can handle himself, because he’s the world’s largest athlete and all. Perfect is #4. Andre casually tosses Smash. Ax turns on Perfect, who ends up doing a Bret-esque turnbuckle charge bump. Ronnie Garvin is #5. Joy. (2012 Scott sez:  The Rumble is actually the kind of match where Garvin would excel, because he can come in, do his high-impact stuff, and then leave.)  Ax, Hennig and Garvin all go after Andre. He fights them off. Hennig does the OVERSELL~! of an Andre punch, which is a situation where it works. (2012 Scott sez:  Fuck off, it always works.)  Valentine is #6. Guess who he goes right after. Poor Andre. Buh-bye, Garvin. Jake is #7, and since he was feuding with Andre, that’s who he goes after. Things settle down a bit as everyone finds a partner and dances. Valentine works in a Flair flop off an Andre headbutt. Ron Bass is #8. Andre tosses Jake. It should be noted that despite the inherent tastelessness of the Ric Flair heart attack angle, the WWF did the same thing (albeit in a more cartoonish way) with the “Andre fears snakes” angle in 1989. (2012 Scott sez:  I think the “Bad News Brown fears snakes” angle was much more tasteless for the racist aspect.)  Shawn Michaels is #9, years before that meant anything. Ax gets dumped Perfectly. Michaels and Hennig start fighting and go into a series of overblown somersault sells and intricate ways to go over the top rope without getting eliminated. Show-offs. Bushwhacker Butch is #10, and Jake follows quickly with Damien, chasing Andre over the top and out of the match prematurely in cheap fashion. Honky Tonk Man is #11. We’re in kind of a lull here. We now have three of the most melodramatic sellers in history in the ring at the same time. The crowd is really getting into the elimination attempts, which just underlines the brilliance of the Rumble concept: It’s a battle royale for people with limited attention span, so you can concentrate on one or two battles at a time, with fresh guys in every few minutes. You know what’s weird? Today we remember feuds from years ago and they’re incorporated into angles all the time, but Santana (#12) was fighting Valentine here and no mention is made of their long-running feud in 1985. (2012 Scott sez:  Now we’ve swung back the other way, with guys feuding one month and then teaming up the next, with only CM Punk even remembering to acknowledge it.)  Honky gets tossed via a double-team. Bad News Brown is #13 (how fitting) and does nothing of note. Marty Jannetty gets #14 and the Rockers reunite to double-dropkick Bass out. Savage is #15 to a big pop. Arn Anderson is #16 as Valentine gets tossed by Macho. Arn and Shawn pair off. Savage joins in…on Arn’s side. They toss Michaels. Tully Blanchard is #17. There’s some pretty damn good workers in there right now…Bad News, Savage, Jannetty, Anderson, Blanchard, Santana, Hennig…I guess Butch is the exception that proves the rule. The Brainbusters double-team Jannetty mercilessly. Hogan is #18. Open mouth, insert dick. Hennig is the first victim of Goblin-mania. Santana gets tossed off-camera. Luke is #19. Butch gets tossed by Bad News. Wow, look, Hulk’s selling for Arn. Koko B.Ware is #20. Yeah, that’ll turn the tide. You’d think Arn would learn NOT TO GO TO THE TOP ROPE after 15 years of getting slammed off it. Especially in a battle royale. Hulk dumps Luke. Warlord is #21 as Hogan dumps the Brainbusters at the same time. (2012 Scott sez:  More dream matches we never got:  Brainbusters v. Megapowers.)  Bastard. Warlord in, Warlord out. Savage and Bad News are fighting on the ropes and Hogan dumps both of them. Savage freaks out. Hey, Hogan, keep that in mind in three years when the same shit would happen to you and YOU threw a temper tantrum. Hogan and Savage make up, only to have a violent breakup a month later. Bossman (#22) breaks up the Megapower love-in. Hogan and Bossman are all alone and Bossman takes over on Hulk. Gorilla: “He’s been out there for half an hour!” Jesse: “You idiot, he’s only been there for five minutes or so…”. Akeem is #23, so the Twin Towers assualt poor Hogan. Hogan’s got his working boots on tonight. The Towers continue the beatdown and unceremoniously eliminate Hogan, to the shock of the crowd. Hogan throws a tantrum and beats up Bossman. Brutus Beefcake is #24. The Towers beat on him, too, but Hogan cheats and pulls Bossman out over the top rope to eliminate him. What a role model. One thing does bother me: If Dibiase was unhappy enough with his number to trade, that would indicate he got a low number to start with. But Bossman ended up with 22 and Akeem got 23, so why would Dibiase have been unhappy with either of those? (2012 Scott sez:  Because he’s a rich white guy who would be unhappy with anything less than #30, of course.  That’s the great part about the character.)  Oh well, minor point. Terry Taylor (aka The Red You-Know-What) is #25. He’s not very effective. Barbarian is #26 as Taylor and Beefcake work over Akeem. We’re getting into the dregs of the draw. Akeem splashes Taylor and dances. All the girlies say he’s pretty fly for a white guy, you know. (2012 Scott sez:  Yeah, this was written in 1999, wanna fight about it?)  John Studd is #27 and man is Taylor taking a shitkicking. Hercules is #28. Geez, the crowd sure died off once Hogan and Savage left. This is like the lost puppy section of the SPCA in terms of star power. Rick Martel is #29, a few months before his heel turn. He goes after Akeem, but Studd pushes him away, like everyone else who tries to go after Akeem. Studd wants him for himself, you see. And of course, Ted Dibiase is #30 thanks to his investment. Okay, so the final tally: Dibiase, Akeem, Studd, Taylor, Beefcake, Hercules, Barbarian and Martel. Oops, there goes Taylor via Dibiase. What a sad group of finalists. Beefcake puts Hercules in a sleeper and Dibiase pushes both of them over at once. Barbie misses a BIG BOOT OF DOOM and Martel dropkicks him out. Final four: Martel, Dibiase, Akeem, Studd. Well, 50% don’t suck. Akeem casually dumps Martel off a bodypress attempt. Akeem and Dibiase double-team Studd. Well, actually, Akeem beats on Studd and Dibiase supervises. Oops, he got caught in between. Studd knocks out the stunned Akeem, leaving Studd and Dibiase. Studd dominates and tosses Dibiase to win the “first” Royal Rumble. First 2/3 was super-hot, but it died off once Hogan left. *** The Bottom Line: Hey, wow, nothing sucked here. Seriously, this was a surprisingly solid card (albeit completely forgettable) from top to bottom. Okay, discount the Super Posedown. Everyone seemed to be making an effort tonight for once. This was pretty much nearing the end of the Golden Age, too, so it’s something of an abomination. Recommended.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1989. – Live from Houston, Texas. – Your hosts are Jesse and Gorilla.– Opening match, 2/3 falls: Hacksaw Duggan & The Hart Foundation v. The Rougeau Brothers & Dino Bravo. Neidhart and Bravo do the feeling out process until a pier-six erupts and Bret gets decked by the heels to become face-in-peril. I think Dino Bravo does the most dramatic tag in the history of wrestling. Rougeaus get a quick fall on Hart with La Bombe Des Rougeaus. Hart gets the holy hell beat out of him as the Rougeaus and Bravo run through their entire offense on the poor guy. Jesse points out the inherent idiocy of chanting “USA” for the Canadian Hart. No wonder he got so bitter in 1997. Harts do the false tag bit. Bret takes more of a beating. This entire second fall is just non-stop Bret beatdown. Hot tag to Duggan and you’d think Steve Austin just came out from the pop. Anvil gets slingshotted (slingshotten? slungshot?) in onto Jacques for two, and Duggan drops an elbow for three to take the second fall. Now Duggan is Ricky Morton. Is it me, or does Jacques do an awful lot of moves that involve rubbing his crotch into someone’s face? I take a Dorito break. It should be noted that Cool Ranch Doritos and Rolo candy are the only food products (outside of various brands of iced tea) that I would ever agree to shill were I to become a celebrity. (2012 Scott sez:  I would like to update that list to include Rockstar energy drinks and Big Turk chocolate bars.  Really gets you through the workday.)  Hart gets the hot tag, and Duggan bops Bravo with the 2×4 to give Bret the pin. It had it’s moments. **1/2 – Ted Dibiase draws his number for the Rumble, and ends up seeking a trade with Slick. HTM, the Bushwhackers, Bad News Brown, Jake the Snake and the Rockers all draw as well, with varying degrees of happiness. Today, Shawn gets 20 minute interview blocks. Back then, he turns to Marty and says “Good luck”.  (2012 Scott sez:  But the WAY he said it made you think he’d be a star.  OK, I’m just saying that.  But I do really miss the drawing segments where people react to their luck of the draw.)  – WWF Women’s title match: Rockin’ Robin v. Judy Martin. For those who weren’t around back then, Rockin’ Robin (Robin Smith, sister of Jake Roberts) beat Sherri Martel to win the Women’s title and basically tank the division. Picture Sam Houston, except even skinnier. The push was a disaster, given the utterly dead crowd reaction to her. This match is pretty decent by the generally crappy standards of the time, with non-stop two counts, although myself and the crowd couldn’t give shit one about it. Robin hits a bodypress off the second rope after a head-fake for the pin. **3/4 – Slick responds to the accusations of tampering with the draw. These kinds of little, non-drawn-out, character building segments are lacking today, especially in WCW. – Super Posedown. Today, this is the very definition of something that goes on Nitro or RAW rather than a PPV. In this case, it’s out there to build to the Rude-Warrior match at Wrestlemania V. Rude poses. The crowd boos. Warrior poses. The crowd cheers. Rude poses again. The crowd boos. Warrior poses (with Jesse actually analyzing the posing). The crowd cheers. Rude poses. The crowd boos. Warrior poses. The crowd cheers. Geez, why didn’t Rude just attack him during the first pose? Rude goes through a pose medley. The crowd boos. Warrior goes through a pose medley and (duh) Rude attacks him. Bit of a waste of 15 minutes when it could have been done on Superstars. I mean, really, who DIDN’T see that coming? I know I bitch about the WCW Sledgehammer of Plot a lot, but this is really a shining example of what I mean by it. Even if it was the WWF.  (2012 Scott sez:  Weird that I gave this more play-by-play treatment than most of the matches on this show.)  – Crown match: King Haku v. Harley Race. The story: Race was King, but got put through a table by the Orange Goblin and basically had his career ended. This was a one-shot comeback match to “legitimize” Haku’s claim to the crown. Haku controls with “martial arts” (which roughly translated means “chops while screaming”) but Race wins a headbutt battle (he’s got a loaded head, you know) and hits a piledriver for two. Race with more 70s offense and goes for a piledriver on the floor, but Haku backdrops out of it. They fight for a bit and then Race hits the piledriver for real. Pretty weak one, though. Crowd is gone, not really caring about either guy. More kneedrops and neckbreakers from Race, but Haku fights back with “martial arts” and a headbutt off the top, which misses. Race tries the same, and misses. Double knockout, and Race is up first. He comes off the ropes and eats Haku’s SWEET thrust kick finisher for the pin to retain the crown. Pretty good job of carrying the un-carryable Haku by Race, actually. ***  (2012 Scott sez:  I wouldn’t actually call Haku “un-carryable”.  I’ve seen people get a good match out of him given the right circumstances.)  – More pre-Rumble soundbites from the participants. Big John Studd gives a horrible interview. Savage sounds pretty whacked out. The Powers of Pain breathe heavily a lot. – Five minute intermission. – We’re back with last-minute words from Dibiase, who is now MUCH happier. But there’s no shenanigans, no sir. – The Heenan Family adds their thoughts. Andre the Giant notes that he’ll toss the Brainbusters out if he has to. Then, in a spectacular moment, Arn Anderson whispers something in Tully Blanchard’s ear, behind Heenan’s back. Now who else would actually have the forethought to add overtones of scheming against his own stable-mates without actually having to say so?  (2012 Scott sez:  Arn Anderson was the master of “shades of grey” years before Russo ever came to power.)  – The Orangle Goblin spouts hot air. – The Royal Rumble: We start with a classic moment: Ax draws #1, Smash draws #2. Then, to reinforce the idea of the Rumble, they give a quick look and then go to town on each other. The Demos demonstrate why they never fought each other, because their segment is pretty lousy. Andre the Giant gets #3. The Demos immediately drop their hostilities and go after Andre. Andre can handle himself, because he’s the world’s largest athlete and all. Perfect is #4. Andre casually tosses Smash. Ax turns on Perfect, who ends up doing a Bret-esque turnbuckle charge bump. Ronnie Garvin is #5. Joy. (2012 Scott sez:  The Rumble is actually the kind of match where Garvin would excel, because he can come in, do his high-impact stuff, and then leave.)  Ax, Hennig and Garvin all go after Andre. He fights them off. Hennig does the OVERSELL~! of an Andre punch, which is a situation where it works. (2012 Scott sez:  Fuck off, it always works.)  Valentine is #6. Guess who he goes right after. Poor Andre. Buh-bye, Garvin. Jake is #7, and since he was feuding with Andre, that’s who he goes after. Things settle down a bit as everyone finds a partner and dances. Valentine works in a Flair flop off an Andre headbutt. Ron Bass is #8. Andre tosses Jake. It should be noted that despite the inherent tastelessness of the Ric Flair heart attack angle, the WWF did the same thing (albeit in a more cartoonish way) with the “Andre fears snakes” angle in 1989. (2012 Scott sez:  I think the “Bad News Brown fears snakes” angle was much more tasteless for the racist aspect.)  Shawn Michaels is #9, years before that meant anything. Ax gets dumped Perfectly. Michaels and Hennig start fighting and go into a series of overblown somersault sells and intricate ways to go over the top rope without getting eliminated. Show-offs. Bushwhacker Butch is #10, and Jake follows quickly with Damien, chasing Andre over the top and out of the match prematurely in cheap fashion. Honky Tonk Man is #11. We’re in kind of a lull here. We now have three of the most melodramatic sellers in history in the ring at the same time. The crowd is really getting into the elimination attempts, which just underlines the brilliance of the Rumble concept: It’s a battle royale for people with limited attention span, so you can concentrate on one or two battles at a time, with fresh guys in every few minutes. You know what’s weird? Today we remember feuds from years ago and they’re incorporated into angles all the time, but Santana (#12) was fighting Valentine here and no mention is made of their long-running feud in 1985. (2012 Scott sez:  Now we’ve swung back the other way, with guys feuding one month and then teaming up the next, with only CM Punk even remembering to acknowledge it.)  Honky gets tossed via a double-team. Bad News Brown is #13 (how fitting) and does nothing of note. Marty Jannetty gets #14 and the Rockers reunite to double-dropkick Bass out. Savage is #15 to a big pop. Arn Anderson is #16 as Valentine gets tossed by Macho. Arn and Shawn pair off. Savage joins in…on Arn’s side. They toss Michaels. Tully Blanchard is #17. There’s some pretty damn good workers in there right now…Bad News, Savage, Jannetty, Anderson, Blanchard, Santana, Hennig…I guess Butch is the exception that proves the rule. The Brainbusters double-team Jannetty mercilessly. Hogan is #18. Open mouth, insert dick. Hennig is the first victim of Goblin-mania. Santana gets tossed off-camera. Luke is #19. Butch gets tossed by Bad News. Wow, look, Hulk’s selling for Arn. Koko B.Ware is #20. Yeah, that’ll turn the tide. You’d think Arn would learn NOT TO GO TO THE TOP ROPE after 15 years of getting slammed off it. Especially in a battle royale. Hulk dumps Luke. Warlord is #21 as Hogan dumps the Brainbusters at the same time. (2012 Scott sez:  More dream matches we never got:  Brainbusters v. Megapowers.)  Bastard. Warlord in, Warlord out. Savage and Bad News are fighting on the ropes and Hogan dumps both of them. Savage freaks out. Hey, Hogan, keep that in mind in three years when the same shit would happen to you and YOU threw a temper tantrum. Hogan and Savage make up, only to have a violent breakup a month later. Bossman (#22) breaks up the Megapower love-in. Hogan and Bossman are all alone and Bossman takes over on Hulk. Gorilla: “He’s been out there for half an hour!” Jesse: “You idiot, he’s only been there for five minutes or so…”. Akeem is #23, so the Twin Towers assualt poor Hogan. Hogan’s got his working boots on tonight. The Towers continue the beatdown and unceremoniously eliminate Hogan, to the shock of the crowd. Hogan throws a tantrum and beats up Bossman. Brutus Beefcake is #24. The Towers beat on him, too, but Hogan cheats and pulls Bossman out over the top rope to eliminate him. What a role model. One thing does bother me: If Dibiase was unhappy enough with his number to trade, that would indicate he got a low number to start with. But Bossman ended up with 22 and Akeem got 23, so why would Dibiase have been unhappy with either of those? (2012 Scott sez:  Because he’s a rich white guy who would be unhappy with anything less than #30, of course.  That’s the great part about the character.)  Oh well, minor point. Terry Taylor (aka The Red You-Know-What) is #25. He’s not very effective. Barbarian is #26 as Taylor and Beefcake work over Akeem. We’re getting into the dregs of the draw. Akeem splashes Taylor and dances. All the girlies say he’s pretty fly for a white guy, you know. (2012 Scott sez:  Yeah, this was written in 1999, wanna fight about it?)  John Studd is #27 and man is Taylor taking a shitkicking. Hercules is #28. Geez, the crowd sure died off once Hogan and Savage left. This is like the lost puppy section of the SPCA in terms of star power. Rick Martel is #29, a few months before his heel turn. He goes after Akeem, but Studd pushes him away, like everyone else who tries to go after Akeem. Studd wants him for himself, you see. And of course, Ted Dibiase is #30 thanks to his investment. Okay, so the final tally: Dibiase, Akeem, Studd, Taylor, Beefcake, Hercules, Barbarian and Martel. Oops, there goes Taylor via Dibiase. What a sad group of finalists. Beefcake puts Hercules in a sleeper and Dibiase pushes both of them over at once. Barbie misses a BIG BOOT OF DOOM and Martel dropkicks him out. Final four: Martel, Dibiase, Akeem, Studd. Well, 50% don’t suck. Akeem casually dumps Martel off a bodypress attempt. Akeem and Dibiase double-team Studd. Well, actually, Akeem beats on Studd and Dibiase supervises. Oops, he got caught in between. Studd knocks out the stunned Akeem, leaving Studd and Dibiase. Studd dominates and tosses Dibiase to win the “first” Royal Rumble. First 2/3 was super-hot, but it died off once Hogan left. *** The Bottom Line: Hey, wow, nothing sucked here. Seriously, this was a surprisingly solid card (albeit completely forgettable) from top to bottom. Okay, discount the Super Posedown. Everyone seemed to be making an effort tonight for once. This was pretty much nearing the end of the Golden Age, too, so it’s something of an abomination. Recommended.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1989. – Live from Houston, Texas. – Your hosts are Jesse and Gorilla.– Opening match, 2/3 falls: Hacksaw Duggan & The Hart Foundation v. The Rougeau Brothers & Dino Bravo. Neidhart and Bravo do the feeling out process until a pier-six erupts and Bret gets decked by the heels to become face-in-peril. I think Dino Bravo does the most dramatic tag in the history of wrestling. Rougeaus get a quick fall on Hart with La Bombe Des Rougeaus. Hart gets the holy hell beat out of him as the Rougeaus and Bravo run through their entire offense on the poor guy. Jesse points out the inherent idiocy of chanting “USA” for the Canadian Hart. No wonder he got so bitter in 1997. Harts do the false tag bit. Bret takes more of a beating. This entire second fall is just non-stop Bret beatdown. Hot tag to Duggan and you’d think Steve Austin just came out from the pop. Anvil gets slingshotted (slingshotten? slungshot?) in onto Jacques for two, and Duggan drops an elbow for three to take the second fall. Now Duggan is Ricky Morton. Is it me, or does Jacques do an awful lot of moves that involve rubbing his crotch into someone’s face? I take a Dorito break. It should be noted that Cool Ranch Doritos and Rolo candy are the only food products (outside of various brands of iced tea) that I would ever agree to shill were I to become a celebrity. (2012 Scott sez:  I would like to update that list to include Rockstar energy drinks and Big Turk chocolate bars.  Really gets you through the workday.)  Hart gets the hot tag, and Duggan bops Bravo with the 2×4 to give Bret the pin. It had it’s moments. **1/2 – Ted Dibiase draws his number for the Rumble, and ends up seeking a trade with Slick. HTM, the Bushwhackers, Bad News Brown, Jake the Snake and the Rockers all draw as well, with varying degrees of happiness. Today, Shawn gets 20 minute interview blocks. Back then, he turns to Marty and says “Good luck”.  (2012 Scott sez:  But the WAY he said it made you think he’d be a star.  OK, I’m just saying that.  But I do really miss the drawing segments where people react to their luck of the draw.)  – WWF Women’s title match: Rockin’ Robin v. Judy Martin. For those who weren’t around back then, Rockin’ Robin (Robin Smith, sister of Jake Roberts) beat Sherri Martel to win the Women’s title and basically tank the division. Picture Sam Houston, except even skinnier. The push was a disaster, given the utterly dead crowd reaction to her. This match is pretty decent by the generally crappy standards of the time, with non-stop two counts, although myself and the crowd couldn’t give shit one about it. Robin hits a bodypress off the second rope after a head-fake for the pin. **3/4 – Slick responds to the accusations of tampering with the draw. These kinds of little, non-drawn-out, character building segments are lacking today, especially in WCW. – Super Posedown. Today, this is the very definition of something that goes on Nitro or RAW rather than a PPV. In this case, it’s out there to build to the Rude-Warrior match at Wrestlemania V. Rude poses. The crowd boos. Warrior poses. The crowd cheers. Rude poses again. The crowd boos. Warrior poses (with Jesse actually analyzing the posing). The crowd cheers. Rude poses. The crowd boos. Warrior poses. The crowd cheers. Geez, why didn’t Rude just attack him during the first pose? Rude goes through a pose medley. The crowd boos. Warrior goes through a pose medley and (duh) Rude attacks him. Bit of a waste of 15 minutes when it could have been done on Superstars. I mean, really, who DIDN’T see that coming? I know I bitch about the WCW Sledgehammer of Plot a lot, but this is really a shining example of what I mean by it. Even if it was the WWF.  (2012 Scott sez:  Weird that I gave this more play-by-play treatment than most of the matches on this show.)  – Crown match: King Haku v. Harley Race. The story: Race was King, but got put through a table by the Orange Goblin and basically had his career ended. This was a one-shot comeback match to “legitimize” Haku’s claim to the crown. Haku controls with “martial arts” (which roughly translated means “chops while screaming”) but Race wins a headbutt battle (he’s got a loaded head, you know) and hits a piledriver for two. Race with more 70s offense and goes for a piledriver on the floor, but Haku backdrops out of it. They fight for a bit and then Race hits the piledriver for real. Pretty weak one, though. Crowd is gone, not really caring about either guy. More kneedrops and neckbreakers from Race, but Haku fights back with “martial arts” and a headbutt off the top, which misses. Race tries the same, and misses. Double knockout, and Race is up first. He comes off the ropes and eats Haku’s SWEET thrust kick finisher for the pin to retain the crown. Pretty good job of carrying the un-carryable Haku by Race, actually. ***  (2012 Scott sez:  I wouldn’t actually call Haku “un-carryable”.  I’ve seen people get a good match out of him given the right circumstances.)  – More pre-Rumble soundbites from the participants. Big John Studd gives a horrible interview. Savage sounds pretty whacked out. The Powers of Pain breathe heavily a lot. – Five minute intermission. – We’re back with last-minute words from Dibiase, who is now MUCH happier. But there’s no shenanigans, no sir. – The Heenan Family adds their thoughts. Andre the Giant notes that he’ll toss the Brainbusters out if he has to. Then, in a spectacular moment, Arn Anderson whispers something in Tully Blanchard’s ear, behind Heenan’s back. Now who else would actually have the forethought to add overtones of scheming against his own stable-mates without actually having to say so?  (2012 Scott sez:  Arn Anderson was the master of “shades of grey” years before Russo ever came to power.)  – The Orangle Goblin spouts hot air. – The Royal Rumble: We start with a classic moment: Ax draws #1, Smash draws #2. Then, to reinforce the idea of the Rumble, they give a quick look and then go to town on each other. The Demos demonstrate why they never fought each other, because their segment is pretty lousy. Andre the Giant gets #3. The Demos immediately drop their hostilities and go after Andre. Andre can handle himself, because he’s the world’s largest athlete and all. Perfect is #4. Andre casually tosses Smash. Ax turns on Perfect, who ends up doing a Bret-esque turnbuckle charge bump. Ronnie Garvin is #5. Joy. (2012 Scott sez:  The Rumble is actually the kind of match where Garvin would excel, because he can come in, do his high-impact stuff, and then leave.)  Ax, Hennig and Garvin all go after Andre. He fights them off. Hennig does the OVERSELL~! of an Andre punch, which is a situation where it works. (2012 Scott sez:  Fuck off, it always works.)  Valentine is #6. Guess who he goes right after. Poor Andre. Buh-bye, Garvin. Jake is #7, and since he was feuding with Andre, that’s who he goes after. Things settle down a bit as everyone finds a partner and dances. Valentine works in a Flair flop off an Andre headbutt. Ron Bass is #8. Andre tosses Jake. It should be noted that despite the inherent tastelessness of the Ric Flair heart attack angle, the WWF did the same thing (albeit in a more cartoonish way) with the “Andre fears snakes” angle in 1989. (2012 Scott sez:  I think the “Bad News Brown fears snakes” angle was much more tasteless for the racist aspect.)  Shawn Michaels is #9, years before that meant anything. Ax gets dumped Perfectly. Michaels and Hennig start fighting and go into a series of overblown somersault sells and intricate ways to go over the top rope without getting eliminated. Show-offs. Bushwhacker Butch is #10, and Jake follows quickly with Damien, chasing Andre over the top and out of the match prematurely in cheap fashion. Honky Tonk Man is #11. We’re in kind of a lull here. We now have three of the most melodramatic sellers in history in the ring at the same time. The crowd is really getting into the elimination attempts, which just underlines the brilliance of the Rumble concept: It’s a battle royale for people with limited attention span, so you can concentrate on one or two battles at a time, with fresh guys in every few minutes. You know what’s weird? Today we remember feuds from years ago and they’re incorporated into angles all the time, but Santana (#12) was fighting Valentine here and no mention is made of their long-running feud in 1985. (2012 Scott sez:  Now we’ve swung back the other way, with guys feuding one month and then teaming up the next, with only CM Punk even remembering to acknowledge it.)  Honky gets tossed via a double-team. Bad News Brown is #13 (how fitting) and does nothing of note. Marty Jannetty gets #14 and the Rockers reunite to double-dropkick Bass out. Savage is #15 to a big pop. Arn Anderson is #16 as Valentine gets tossed by Macho. Arn and Shawn pair off. Savage joins in…on Arn’s side. They toss Michaels. Tully Blanchard is #17. There’s some pretty damn good workers in there right now…Bad News, Savage, Jannetty, Anderson, Blanchard, Santana, Hennig…I guess Butch is the exception that proves the rule. The Brainbusters double-team Jannetty mercilessly. Hogan is #18. Open mouth, insert dick. Hennig is the first victim of Goblin-mania. Santana gets tossed off-camera. Luke is #19. Butch gets tossed by Bad News. Wow, look, Hulk’s selling for Arn. Koko B.Ware is #20. Yeah, that’ll turn the tide. You’d think Arn would learn NOT TO GO TO THE TOP ROPE after 15 years of getting slammed off it. Especially in a battle royale. Hulk dumps Luke. Warlord is #21 as Hogan dumps the Brainbusters at the same time. (2012 Scott sez:  More dream matches we never got:  Brainbusters v. Megapowers.)  Bastard. Warlord in, Warlord out. Savage and Bad News are fighting on the ropes and Hogan dumps both of them. Savage freaks out. Hey, Hogan, keep that in mind in three years when the same shit would happen to you and YOU threw a temper tantrum. Hogan and Savage make up, only to have a violent breakup a month later. Bossman (#22) breaks up the Megapower love-in. Hogan and Bossman are all alone and Bossman takes over on Hulk. Gorilla: “He’s been out there for half an hour!” Jesse: “You idiot, he’s only been there for five minutes or so…”. Akeem is #23, so the Twin Towers assualt poor Hogan. Hogan’s got his working boots on tonight. The Towers continue the beatdown and unceremoniously eliminate Hogan, to the shock of the crowd. Hogan throws a tantrum and beats up Bossman. Brutus Beefcake is #24. The Towers beat on him, too, but Hogan cheats and pulls Bossman out over the top rope to eliminate him. What a role model. One thing does bother me: If Dibiase was unhappy enough with his number to trade, that would indicate he got a low number to start with. But Bossman ended up with 22 and Akeem got 23, so why would Dibiase have been unhappy with either of those? (2012 Scott sez:  Because he’s a rich white guy who would be unhappy with anything less than #30, of course.  That’s the great part about the character.)  Oh well, minor point. Terry Taylor (aka The Red You-Know-What) is #25. He’s not very effective. Barbarian is #26 as Taylor and Beefcake work over Akeem. We’re getting into the dregs of the draw. Akeem splashes Taylor and dances. All the girlies say he’s pretty fly for a white guy, you know. (2012 Scott sez:  Yeah, this was written in 1999, wanna fight about it?)  John Studd is #27 and man is Taylor taking a shitkicking. Hercules is #28. Geez, the crowd sure died off once Hogan and Savage left. This is like the lost puppy section of the SPCA in terms of star power. Rick Martel is #29, a few months before his heel turn. He goes after Akeem, but Studd pushes him away, like everyone else who tries to go after Akeem. Studd wants him for himself, you see. And of course, Ted Dibiase is #30 thanks to his investment. Okay, so the final tally: Dibiase, Akeem, Studd, Taylor, Beefcake, Hercules, Barbarian and Martel. Oops, there goes Taylor via Dibiase. What a sad group of finalists. Beefcake puts Hercules in a sleeper and Dibiase pushes both of them over at once. Barbie misses a BIG BOOT OF DOOM and Martel dropkicks him out. Final four: Martel, Dibiase, Akeem, Studd. Well, 50% don’t suck. Akeem casually dumps Martel off a bodypress attempt. Akeem and Dibiase double-team Studd. Well, actually, Akeem beats on Studd and Dibiase supervises. Oops, he got caught in between. Studd knocks out the stunned Akeem, leaving Studd and Dibiase. Studd dominates and tosses Dibiase to win the “first” Royal Rumble. First 2/3 was super-hot, but it died off once Hogan left. *** The Bottom Line: Hey, wow, nothing sucked here. Seriously, this was a surprisingly solid card (albeit completely forgettable) from top to bottom. Okay, discount the Super Posedown. Everyone seemed to be making an effort tonight for once. This was pretty much nearing the end of the Golden Age, too, so it’s something of an abomination. Recommended.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1989. – Live from Houston, Texas. – Your hosts are Jesse and Gorilla.– Opening match, 2/3 falls: Hacksaw Duggan & The Hart Foundation v. The Rougeau Brothers & Dino Bravo. Neidhart and Bravo do the feeling out process until a pier-six erupts and Bret gets decked by the heels to become face-in-peril. I think Dino Bravo does the most dramatic tag in the history of wrestling. Rougeaus get a quick fall on Hart with La Bombe Des Rougeaus. Hart gets the holy hell beat out of him as the Rougeaus and Bravo run through their entire offense on the poor guy. Jesse points out the inherent idiocy of chanting “USA” for the Canadian Hart. No wonder he got so bitter in 1997. Harts do the false tag bit. Bret takes more of a beating. This entire second fall is just non-stop Bret beatdown. Hot tag to Duggan and you’d think Steve Austin just came out from the pop. Anvil gets slingshotted (slingshotten? slungshot?) in onto Jacques for two, and Duggan drops an elbow for three to take the second fall. Now Duggan is Ricky Morton. Is it me, or does Jacques do an awful lot of moves that involve rubbing his crotch into someone’s face? I take a Dorito break. It should be noted that Cool Ranch Doritos and Rolo candy are the only food products (outside of various brands of iced tea) that I would ever agree to shill were I to become a celebrity. (2012 Scott sez:  I would like to update that list to include Rockstar energy drinks and Big Turk chocolate bars.  Really gets you through the workday.)  Hart gets the hot tag, and Duggan bops Bravo with the 2×4 to give Bret the pin. It had it’s moments. **1/2 – Ted Dibiase draws his number for the Rumble, and ends up seeking a trade with Slick. HTM, the Bushwhackers, Bad News Brown, Jake the Snake and the Rockers all draw as well, with varying degrees of happiness. Today, Shawn gets 20 minute interview blocks. Back then, he turns to Marty and says “Good luck”.  (2012 Scott sez:  But the WAY he said it made you think he’d be a star.  OK, I’m just saying that.  But I do really miss the drawing segments where people react to their luck of the draw.)  – WWF Women’s title match: Rockin’ Robin v. Judy Martin. For those who weren’t around back then, Rockin’ Robin (Robin Smith, sister of Jake Roberts) beat Sherri Martel to win the Women’s title and basically tank the division. Picture Sam Houston, except even skinnier. The push was a disaster, given the utterly dead crowd reaction to her. This match is pretty decent by the generally crappy standards of the time, with non-stop two counts, although myself and the crowd couldn’t give shit one about it. Robin hits a bodypress off the second rope after a head-fake for the pin. **3/4 – Slick responds to the accusations of tampering with the draw. These kinds of little, non-drawn-out, character building segments are lacking today, especially in WCW. – Super Posedown. Today, this is the very definition of something that goes on Nitro or RAW rather than a PPV. In this case, it’s out there to build to the Rude-Warrior match at Wrestlemania V. Rude poses. The crowd boos. Warrior poses. The crowd cheers. Rude poses again. The crowd boos. Warrior poses (with Jesse actually analyzing the posing). The crowd cheers. Rude poses. The crowd boos. Warrior poses. The crowd cheers. Geez, why didn’t Rude just attack him during the first pose? Rude goes through a pose medley. The crowd boos. Warrior goes through a pose medley and (duh) Rude attacks him. Bit of a waste of 15 minutes when it could have been done on Superstars. I mean, really, who DIDN’T see that coming? I know I bitch about the WCW Sledgehammer of Plot a lot, but this is really a shining example of what I mean by it. Even if it was the WWF.  (2012 Scott sez:  Weird that I gave this more play-by-play treatment than most of the matches on this show.)  – Crown match: King Haku v. Harley Race. The story: Race was King, but got put through a table by the Orange Goblin and basically had his career ended. This was a one-shot comeback match to “legitimize” Haku’s claim to the crown. Haku controls with “martial arts” (which roughly translated means “chops while screaming”) but Race wins a headbutt battle (he’s got a loaded head, you know) and hits a piledriver for two. Race with more 70s offense and goes for a piledriver on the floor, but Haku backdrops out of it. They fight for a bit and then Race hits the piledriver for real. Pretty weak one, though. Crowd is gone, not really caring about either guy. More kneedrops and neckbreakers from Race, but Haku fights back with “martial arts” and a headbutt off the top, which misses. Race tries the same, and misses. Double knockout, and Race is up first. He comes off the ropes and eats Haku’s SWEET thrust kick finisher for the pin to retain the crown. Pretty good job of carrying the un-carryable Haku by Race, actually. ***  (2012 Scott sez:  I wouldn’t actually call Haku “un-carryable”.  I’ve seen people get a good match out of him given the right circumstances.)  – More pre-Rumble soundbites from the participants. Big John Studd gives a horrible interview. Savage sounds pretty whacked out. The Powers of Pain breathe heavily a lot. – Five minute intermission. – We’re back with last-minute words from Dibiase, who is now MUCH happier. But there’s no shenanigans, no sir. – The Heenan Family adds their thoughts. Andre the Giant notes that he’ll toss the Brainbusters out if he has to. Then, in a spectacular moment, Arn Anderson whispers something in Tully Blanchard’s ear, behind Heenan’s back. Now who else would actually have the forethought to add overtones of scheming against his own stable-mates without actually having to say so?  (2012 Scott sez:  Arn Anderson was the master of “shades of grey” years before Russo ever came to power.)  – The Orangle Goblin spouts hot air. – The Royal Rumble: We start with a classic moment: Ax draws #1, Smash draws #2. Then, to reinforce the idea of the Rumble, they give a quick look and then go to town on each other. The Demos demonstrate why they never fought each other, because their segment is pretty lousy. Andre the Giant gets #3. The Demos immediately drop their hostilities and go after Andre. Andre can handle himself, because he’s the world’s largest athlete and all. Perfect is #4. Andre casually tosses Smash. Ax turns on Perfect, who ends up doing a Bret-esque turnbuckle charge bump. Ronnie Garvin is #5. Joy. (2012 Scott sez:  The Rumble is actually the kind of match where Garvin would excel, because he can come in, do his high-impact stuff, and then leave.)  Ax, Hennig and Garvin all go after Andre. He fights them off. Hennig does the OVERSELL~! of an Andre punch, which is a situation where it works. (2012 Scott sez:  Fuck off, it always works.)  Valentine is #6. Guess who he goes right after. Poor Andre. Buh-bye, Garvin. Jake is #7, and since he was feuding with Andre, that’s who he goes after. Things settle down a bit as everyone finds a partner and dances. Valentine works in a Flair flop off an Andre headbutt. Ron Bass is #8. Andre tosses Jake. It should be noted that despite the inherent tastelessness of the Ric Flair heart attack angle, the WWF did the same thing (albeit in a more cartoonish way) with the “Andre fears snakes” angle in 1989. (2012 Scott sez:  I think the “Bad News Brown fears snakes” angle was much more tasteless for the racist aspect.)  Shawn Michaels is #9, years before that meant anything. Ax gets dumped Perfectly. Michaels and Hennig start fighting and go into a series of overblown somersault sells and intricate ways to go over the top rope without getting eliminated. Show-offs. Bushwhacker Butch is #10, and Jake follows quickly with Damien, chasing Andre over the top and out of the match prematurely in cheap fashion. Honky Tonk Man is #11. We’re in kind of a lull here. We now have three of the most melodramatic sellers in history in the ring at the same time. The crowd is really getting into the elimination attempts, which just underlines the brilliance of the Rumble concept: It’s a battle royale for people with limited attention span, so you can concentrate on one or two battles at a time, with fresh guys in every few minutes. You know what’s weird? Today we remember feuds from years ago and they’re incorporated into angles all the time, but Santana (#12) was fighting Valentine here and no mention is made of their long-running feud in 1985. (2012 Scott sez:  Now we’ve swung back the other way, with guys feuding one month and then teaming up the next, with only CM Punk even remembering to acknowledge it.)  Honky gets tossed via a double-team. Bad News Brown is #13 (how fitting) and does nothing of note. Marty Jannetty gets #14 and the Rockers reunite to double-dropkick Bass out. Savage is #15 to a big pop. Arn Anderson is #16 as Valentine gets tossed by Macho. Arn and Shawn pair off. Savage joins in…on Arn’s side. They toss Michaels. Tully Blanchard is #17. There’s some pretty damn good workers in there right now…Bad News, Savage, Jannetty, Anderson, Blanchard, Santana, Hennig…I guess Butch is the exception that proves the rule. The Brainbusters double-team Jannetty mercilessly. Hogan is #18. Open mouth, insert dick. Hennig is the first victim of Goblin-mania. Santana gets tossed off-camera. Luke is #19. Butch gets tossed by Bad News. Wow, look, Hulk’s selling for Arn. Koko B.Ware is #20. Yeah, that’ll turn the tide. You’d think Arn would learn NOT TO GO TO THE TOP ROPE after 15 years of getting slammed off it. Especially in a battle royale. Hulk dumps Luke. Warlord is #21 as Hogan dumps the Brainbusters at the same time. (2012 Scott sez:  More dream matches we never got:  Brainbusters v. Megapowers.)  Bastard. Warlord in, Warlord out. Savage and Bad News are fighting on the ropes and Hogan dumps both of them. Savage freaks out. Hey, Hogan, keep that in mind in three years when the same shit would happen to you and YOU threw a temper tantrum. Hogan and Savage make up, only to have a violent breakup a month later. Bossman (#22) breaks up the Megapower love-in. Hogan and Bossman are all alone and Bossman takes over on Hulk. Gorilla: “He’s been out there for half an hour!” Jesse: “You idiot, he’s only been there for five minutes or so…”. Akeem is #23, so the Twin Towers assualt poor Hogan. Hogan’s got his working boots on tonight. The Towers continue the beatdown and unceremoniously eliminate Hogan, to the shock of the crowd. Hogan throws a tantrum and beats up Bossman. Brutus Beefcake is #24. The Towers beat on him, too, but Hogan cheats and pulls Bossman out over the top rope to eliminate him. What a role model. One thing does bother me: If Dibiase was unhappy enough with his number to trade, that would indicate he got a low number to start with. But Bossman ended up with 22 and Akeem got 23, so why would Dibiase have been unhappy with either of those? (2012 Scott sez:  Because he’s a rich white guy who would be unhappy with anything less than #30, of course.  That’s the great part about the character.)  Oh well, minor point. Terry Taylor (aka The Red You-Know-What) is #25. He’s not very effective. Barbarian is #26 as Taylor and Beefcake work over Akeem. We’re getting into the dregs of the draw. Akeem splashes Taylor and dances. All the girlies say he’s pretty fly for a white guy, you know. (2012 Scott sez:  Yeah, this was written in 1999, wanna fight about it?)  John Studd is #27 and man is Taylor taking a shitkicking. Hercules is #28. Geez, the crowd sure died off once Hogan and Savage left. This is like the lost puppy section of the SPCA in terms of star power. Rick Martel is #29, a few months before his heel turn. He goes after Akeem, but Studd pushes him away, like everyone else who tries to go after Akeem. Studd wants him for himself, you see. And of course, Ted Dibiase is #30 thanks to his investment. Okay, so the final tally: Dibiase, Akeem, Studd, Taylor, Beefcake, Hercules, Barbarian and Martel. Oops, there goes Taylor via Dibiase. What a sad group of finalists. Beefcake puts Hercules in a sleeper and Dibiase pushes both of them over at once. Barbie misses a BIG BOOT OF DOOM and Martel dropkicks him out. Final four: Martel, Dibiase, Akeem, Studd. Well, 50% don’t suck. Akeem casually dumps Martel off a bodypress attempt. Akeem and Dibiase double-team Studd. Well, actually, Akeem beats on Studd and Dibiase supervises. Oops, he got caught in between. Studd knocks out the stunned Akeem, leaving Studd and Dibiase. Studd dominates and tosses Dibiase to win the “first” Royal Rumble. First 2/3 was super-hot, but it died off once Hogan left. *** The Bottom Line: Hey, wow, nothing sucked here. Seriously, this was a surprisingly solid card (albeit completely forgettable) from top to bottom. Okay, discount the Super Posedown. Everyone seemed to be making an effort tonight for once. This was pretty much nearing the end of the Golden Age, too, so it’s something of an abomination. Recommended.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1989. – Live from Houston, Texas. – Your hosts are Jesse and Gorilla.– Opening match, 2/3 falls: Hacksaw Duggan & The Hart Foundation v. The Rougeau Brothers & Dino Bravo. Neidhart and Bravo do the feeling out process until a pier-six erupts and Bret gets decked by the heels to become face-in-peril. I think Dino Bravo does the most dramatic tag in the history of wrestling. Rougeaus get a quick fall on Hart with La Bombe Des Rougeaus. Hart gets the holy hell beat out of him as the Rougeaus and Bravo run through their entire offense on the poor guy. Jesse points out the inherent idiocy of chanting “USA” for the Canadian Hart. No wonder he got so bitter in 1997. Harts do the false tag bit. Bret takes more of a beating. This entire second fall is just non-stop Bret beatdown. Hot tag to Duggan and you’d think Steve Austin just came out from the pop. Anvil gets slingshotted (slingshotten? slungshot?) in onto Jacques for two, and Duggan drops an elbow for three to take the second fall. Now Duggan is Ricky Morton. Is it me, or does Jacques do an awful lot of moves that involve rubbing his crotch into someone’s face? I take a Dorito break. It should be noted that Cool Ranch Doritos and Rolo candy are the only food products (outside of various brands of iced tea) that I would ever agree to shill were I to become a celebrity. (2012 Scott sez:  I would like to update that list to include Rockstar energy drinks and Big Turk chocolate bars.  Really gets you through the workday.)  Hart gets the hot tag, and Duggan bops Bravo with the 2×4 to give Bret the pin. It had it’s moments. **1/2 – Ted Dibiase draws his number for the Rumble, and ends up seeking a trade with Slick. HTM, the Bushwhackers, Bad News Brown, Jake the Snake and the Rockers all draw as well, with varying degrees of happiness. Today, Shawn gets 20 minute interview blocks. Back then, he turns to Marty and says “Good luck”.  (2012 Scott sez:  But the WAY he said it made you think he’d be a star.  OK, I’m just saying that.  But I do really miss the drawing segments where people react to their luck of the draw.)  – WWF Women’s title match: Rockin’ Robin v. Judy Martin. For those who weren’t around back then, Rockin’ Robin (Robin Smith, sister of Jake Roberts) beat Sherri Martel to win the Women’s title and basically tank the division. Picture Sam Houston, except even skinnier. The push was a disaster, given the utterly dead crowd reaction to her. This match is pretty decent by the generally crappy standards of the time, with non-stop two counts, although myself and the crowd couldn’t give shit one about it. Robin hits a bodypress off the second rope after a head-fake for the pin. **3/4 – Slick responds to the accusations of tampering with the draw. These kinds of little, non-drawn-out, character building segments are lacking today, especially in WCW. – Super Posedown. Today, this is the very definition of something that goes on Nitro or RAW rather than a PPV. In this case, it’s out there to build to the Rude-Warrior match at Wrestlemania V. Rude poses. The crowd boos. Warrior poses. The crowd cheers. Rude poses again. The crowd boos. Warrior poses (with Jesse actually analyzing the posing). The crowd cheers. Rude poses. The crowd boos. Warrior poses. The crowd cheers. Geez, why didn’t Rude just attack him during the first pose? Rude goes through a pose medley. The crowd boos. Warrior goes through a pose medley and (duh) Rude attacks him. Bit of a waste of 15 minutes when it could have been done on Superstars. I mean, really, who DIDN’T see that coming? I know I bitch about the WCW Sledgehammer of Plot a lot, but this is really a shining example of what I mean by it. Even if it was the WWF.  (2012 Scott sez:  Weird that I gave this more play-by-play treatment than most of the matches on this show.)  – Crown match: King Haku v. Harley Race. The story: Race was King, but got put through a table by the Orange Goblin and basically had his career ended. This was a one-shot comeback match to “legitimize” Haku’s claim to the crown. Haku controls with “martial arts” (which roughly translated means “chops while screaming”) but Race wins a headbutt battle (he’s got a loaded head, you know) and hits a piledriver for two. Race with more 70s offense and goes for a piledriver on the floor, but Haku backdrops out of it. They fight for a bit and then Race hits the piledriver for real. Pretty weak one, though. Crowd is gone, not really caring about either guy. More kneedrops and neckbreakers from Race, but Haku fights back with “martial arts” and a headbutt off the top, which misses. Race tries the same, and misses. Double knockout, and Race is up first. He comes off the ropes and eats Haku’s SWEET thrust kick finisher for the pin to retain the crown. Pretty good job of carrying the un-carryable Haku by Race, actually. ***  (2012 Scott sez:  I wouldn’t actually call Haku “un-carryable”.  I’ve seen people get a good match out of him given the right circumstances.)  – More pre-Rumble soundbites from the participants. Big John Studd gives a horrible interview. Savage sounds pretty whacked out. The Powers of Pain breathe heavily a lot. – Five minute intermission. – We’re back with last-minute words from Dibiase, who is now MUCH happier. But there’s no shenanigans, no sir. – The Heenan Family adds their thoughts. Andre the Giant notes that he’ll toss the Brainbusters out if he has to. Then, in a spectacular moment, Arn Anderson whispers something in Tully Blanchard’s ear, behind Heenan’s back. Now who else would actually have the forethought to add overtones of scheming against his own stable-mates without actually having to say so?  (2012 Scott sez:  Arn Anderson was the master of “shades of grey” years before Russo ever came to power.)  – The Orangle Goblin spouts hot air. – The Royal Rumble: We start with a classic moment: Ax draws #1, Smash draws #2. Then, to reinforce the idea of the Rumble, they give a quick look and then go to town on each other. The Demos demonstrate why they never fought each other, because their segment is pretty lousy. Andre the Giant gets #3. The Demos immediately drop their hostilities and go after Andre. Andre can handle himself, because he’s the world’s largest athlete and all. Perfect is #4. Andre casually tosses Smash. Ax turns on Perfect, who ends up doing a Bret-esque turnbuckle charge bump. Ronnie Garvin is #5. Joy. (2012 Scott sez:  The Rumble is actually the kind of match where Garvin would excel, because he can come in, do his high-impact stuff, and then leave.)  Ax, Hennig and Garvin all go after Andre. He fights them off. Hennig does the OVERSELL~! of an Andre punch, which is a situation where it works. (2012 Scott sez:  Fuck off, it always works.)  Valentine is #6. Guess who he goes right after. Poor Andre. Buh-bye, Garvin. Jake is #7, and since he was feuding with Andre, that’s who he goes after. Things settle down a bit as everyone finds a partner and dances. Valentine works in a Flair flop off an Andre headbutt. Ron Bass is #8. Andre tosses Jake. It should be noted that despite the inherent tastelessness of the Ric Flair heart attack angle, the WWF did the same thing (albeit in a more cartoonish way) with the “Andre fears snakes” angle in 1989. (2012 Scott sez:  I think the “Bad News Brown fears snakes” angle was much more tasteless for the racist aspect.)  Shawn Michaels is #9, years before that meant anything. Ax gets dumped Perfectly. Michaels and Hennig start fighting and go into a series of overblown somersault sells and intricate ways to go over the top rope without getting eliminated. Show-offs. Bushwhacker Butch is #10, and Jake follows quickly with Damien, chasing Andre over the top and out of the match prematurely in cheap fashion. Honky Tonk Man is #11. We’re in kind of a lull here. We now have three of the most melodramatic sellers in history in the ring at the same time. The crowd is really getting into the elimination attempts, which just underlines the brilliance of the Rumble concept: It’s a battle royale for people with limited attention span, so you can concentrate on one or two battles at a time, with fresh guys in every few minutes. You know what’s weird? Today we remember feuds from years ago and they’re incorporated into angles all the time, but Santana (#12) was fighting Valentine here and no mention is made of their long-running feud in 1985. (2012 Scott sez:  Now we’ve swung back the other way, with guys feuding one month and then teaming up the next, with only CM Punk even remembering to acknowledge it.)  Honky gets tossed via a double-team. Bad News Brown is #13 (how fitting) and does nothing of note. Marty Jannetty gets #14 and the Rockers reunite to double-dropkick Bass out. Savage is #15 to a big pop. Arn Anderson is #16 as Valentine gets tossed by Macho. Arn and Shawn pair off. Savage joins in…on Arn’s side. They toss Michaels. Tully Blanchard is #17. There’s some pretty damn good workers in there right now…Bad News, Savage, Jannetty, Anderson, Blanchard, Santana, Hennig…I guess Butch is the exception that proves the rule. The Brainbusters double-team Jannetty mercilessly. Hogan is #18. Open mouth, insert dick. Hennig is the first victim of Goblin-mania. Santana gets tossed off-camera. Luke is #19. Butch gets tossed by Bad News. Wow, look, Hulk’s selling for Arn. Koko B.Ware is #20. Yeah, that’ll turn the tide. You’d think Arn would learn NOT TO GO TO THE TOP ROPE after 15 years of getting slammed off it. Especially in a battle royale. Hulk dumps Luke. Warlord is #21 as Hogan dumps the Brainbusters at the same time. (2012 Scott sez:  More dream matches we never got:  Brainbusters v. Megapowers.)  Bastard. Warlord in, Warlord out. Savage and Bad News are fighting on the ropes and Hogan dumps both of them. Savage freaks out. Hey, Hogan, keep that in mind in three years when the same shit would happen to you and YOU threw a temper tantrum. Hogan and Savage make up, only to have a violent breakup a month later. Bossman (#22) breaks up the Megapower love-in. Hogan and Bossman are all alone and Bossman takes over on Hulk. Gorilla: “He’s been out there for half an hour!” Jesse: “You idiot, he’s only been there for five minutes or so…”. Akeem is #23, so the Twin Towers assualt poor Hogan. Hogan’s got his working boots on tonight. The Towers continue the beatdown and unceremoniously eliminate Hogan, to the shock of the crowd. Hogan throws a tantrum and beats up Bossman. Brutus Beefcake is #24. The Towers beat on him, too, but Hogan cheats and pulls Bossman out over the top rope to eliminate him. What a role model. One thing does bother me: If Dibiase was unhappy enough with his number to trade, that would indicate he got a low number to start with. But Bossman ended up with 22 and Akeem got 23, so why would Dibiase have been unhappy with either of those? (2012 Scott sez:  Because he’s a rich white guy who would be unhappy with anything less than #30, of course.  That’s the great part about the character.)  Oh well, minor point. Terry Taylor (aka The Red You-Know-What) is #25. He’s not very effective. Barbarian is #26 as Taylor and Beefcake work over Akeem. We’re getting into the dregs of the draw. Akeem splashes Taylor and dances. All the girlies say he’s pretty fly for a white guy, you know. (2012 Scott sez:  Yeah, this was written in 1999, wanna fight about it?)  John Studd is #27 and man is Taylor taking a shitkicking. Hercules is #28. Geez, the crowd sure died off once Hogan and Savage left. This is like the lost puppy section of the SPCA in terms of star power. Rick Martel is #29, a few months before his heel turn. He goes after Akeem, but Studd pushes him away, like everyone else who tries to go after Akeem. Studd wants him for himself, you see. And of course, Ted Dibiase is #30 thanks to his investment. Okay, so the final tally: Dibiase, Akeem, Studd, Taylor, Beefcake, Hercules, Barbarian and Martel. Oops, there goes Taylor via Dibiase. What a sad group of finalists. Beefcake puts Hercules in a sleeper and Dibiase pushes both of them over at once. Barbie misses a BIG BOOT OF DOOM and Martel dropkicks him out. Final four: Martel, Dibiase, Akeem, Studd. Well, 50% don’t suck. Akeem casually dumps Martel off a bodypress attempt. Akeem and Dibiase double-team Studd. Well, actually, Akeem beats on Studd and Dibiase supervises. Oops, he got caught in between. Studd knocks out the stunned Akeem, leaving Studd and Dibiase. Studd dominates and tosses Dibiase to win the “first” Royal Rumble. First 2/3 was super-hot, but it died off once Hogan left. *** The Bottom Line: Hey, wow, nothing sucked here. Seriously, this was a surprisingly solid card (albeit completely forgettable) from top to bottom. Okay, discount the Super Posedown. Everyone seemed to be making an effort tonight for once. This was pretty much nearing the end of the Golden Age, too, so it’s something of an abomination. Recommended.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Starrcade 89 – I just want to start off by addressing the whole “How can Russo/Ferrera steal from themselves” debate that my Thunder report seems to have triggered. Two words: John Fogerty. He was the sole creative force behind Creedence Clearwater Revival, so much so that when he recorded a solo album in the 80s, CCR’s money-grubbing former record label actually sued him because that album sounded like a CCR album and was thus “self-plagiarism”. And they almost WON that lawsuit, too. Fogerty stuck it out and fought it, costing both sides millions, and eventually won the case. Was it silly and trivial to sue over it? Of course. But in the entertainment world, stupid stuff like that happens EVERY DAY, and Russo & Ferrera would be well-advised to remember that the WWF was more than happy to sue WCW over “intellectual property” on weaker grounds than what they’d have if they pressed a lawsuit tomorrow over, say, Buzzkill. What is right and fair and logical seldom applies in the wrestling world, legal world, or any other place these days. I’m just saying that if the WWF sues because Russo has writer’s block to go along with his million-dollar contract, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  (2011 Scott sez:  As it turns out, the whole thing was a moot point because Russo got fired anyway.  And John Fogerty did eventually reconcile with Fantasy Records and released a solo/CCR greatest hits CD that’s pretty awesome.  So happy endings for everyone!)  – Onto the show…what do you get when you’ve had a banner year quality-wise, but blew off your biggest feud (Flair v. Funk) months earlier and can’t decide who your next main event feud should involve? Why, hold an Iron Man tournament, of course, and that’s exactly what the NWA tried in the last days of the Flair/Ross booking era. It was a monumentally stupid idea because of time constraints and the fact that the only fresh, high-level match on the card was Road Warriors v. Steiners. Everything else had either been done (Flair/Luger, Flair/Sting) or held no interest for the fans. The relatively complicated scoring system meant that too much thinking was involved for the fans. As a result, this show drew flies and was a total bomb, one that pretty much signalled the end of Flair’s run with the book. – The Rules: Competitors get 20 points for a pinfall or submission, 15 for a countout win, 10 for a DQ win, and 5 for a time-limit draw. Whoever has the most points after wrestling the other three people in the tournament wins. All matches are 15 minute time limits.  (2011 Scott sez:  Sounds like something TNA would think up, actually…) – The Competitors: For the Iron Man tourney, it’s Ric Flair, Lex Luger, Sting and the Great Muta. For the Iron Team portion, it’s The Steiners, The Road Warriors, Doom and the Wild Samoans (who are subbing for the Skyscrapers). – Live from Atlanta, GA – Your hosts are Jim Ross & Terry Funk for the Iron Man matches, and Jim Ross & Jim Cornette for the Iron Team matches. – Opening match: Doom v. Rick & Scott Steiner. The arena is so empty to start that the announcers have to make excuses to cover it up. Doom still has the masks, and Woman, and that doofus bodyguard Nitron. (2011 Scott sez:  That doofus bodyguard went on to play Sabretooth in the X-Men movies, as well as Michael Myers in the Halloween reboots, so he’s doing OK for himself now.)  Simmons and Scott start, and that goes badly for Ron. Slow start as Scott works on Reed with some basic stuff. Nitron (who later became Big Sky, an early partner for Kevin Nash during his Vinnie Vegas run) (2011 Scott sez:  Jesus, didn’t you hear me?  He’s SABRETOOTH, no one gives a shit about Big Sky.  Oh wait, I’m yelling at 1999 me again, sorry) attacks Scott on the outside to gain the advantage. Fashion note: Bad-asses don’t wear spandex tights and leather jackets. Scott bumps around a bit to make Doom seem like they might have a hope in hell. Scott gets the hot tag to Rick as the 15-minute time limit is approaching. Rick stampedes over Doom with clotheslines, and everyone fights on the floor, with Rick rolling in to beat the count to steal a win and 15 points. I’ve always hated that finish. Bad choice to rev up an already indifferent crowd. *1/2 – Steiners – 15, Doom – 0, Warriors – 0, Samoans – 0. – Sting v. Lex Luger. THIS should have been the opener. Big stall-job from Lex to start. He was technically a heel at this point, but as is usually the case, became so massively popular that he started morphing into a babyface by sheer willpower of the fans. Sting gets him in the ring and hits a slingshot splash for two. They fight on the outside, not much happens. Sting controls back in the ring with move #428 (arm-BAR). (2011 Scott sez:  You can instantly pinpoint my 1998-99 rant timeline by how many Chris Jericho references I make.)  I find it astonishing that two people who have been linked as long as these two have can’t put together a decent match with each other if their lives depended on it. I mean, hell, even Hogan and Savage could half-ass a **1/2 match during their heyday thanks to sheer familiarity with each other. Sting tries a flying bodypress and gets atomic-dropped. Luger dominates for a while. The crowd yawns. So do I. Stings flips out of the Torture rack and hulks up. Luger bails with a minute left. Sting chases, but Luger falls on top back in the ring, grabs the second rope, puts his feet on the second rope, and probably would have grabbed Sting’s tights with his other free hand had he thought of it. Anyway, that’s enough for the cheap pin and 20 points, the SECOND bad finish for the show. * On the other hand, the lack of a true heel today – one who will gladly stoop to pinning a guy with his feet on the ropes and a handful of tights – is something I notice all the time.  (2011 Scott sez:  Now we’ve swung all the way to the other extreme, where all the heels are weasels like Alberto Del Rio and Cody Rhodes, and when someone actually kicks ass like Mark Henry he turns into a monster who gets over.)  – Luger – 20, Sting – 0, Flair – 0, Muta – 0. – The Road Warriors v. Doom. To use an Oklahoman metaphor, this should be uglier than a pitbull at a poodle convention. Turner editors must agree, because the match is clipped to the 10-minute mark with the LOD cleaning house. Reed tries a piledriver on Animal, allowing Hawk to come off the top with a clothesline and Animal gets the pin and 20 points. Seemed about ½* – Warriors – 20, Steiners – 15, Doom – 0, Samoans – 0. – The Great Muta v. Ric Flair. Muta was the undefeated TV champion at this point, but don’t blink or you’ll miss this match. Flair gets a kneebreaker and figure-four about a minute in, then the Andersons and the J-Tex group brawl, allowing Muta to escape, miss the moonsault, and get rolled up for the pin. Flair gets 20 points for 2 minutes’ work. DUD – Lex Luger – 20, Ric Flair – 20, Sting – 0, Muta – 0. – The Road Warriors v. The Steiners. Jim Cornette describes this as the “insensible force meeting the illiterate object” which is probably closer to the truth than you’d expect. Lots of mutual respect and stuff. This is the one, and only, meeting of these teams. (2011 Scott sez:  That still blows my mind.  The phrase “Leaving money on the table” has never seemed so apt.  Both teams were basically still in their primes, and WCW could have turned the Warriors heel again and jobbed them to the Steiners up and down the US on their way to the WWF and probably drawn some BIG money.) They were both in WCW in 1996 during the Jurassic Revival Period that pre-dated the n.W.o, but their paths never crossed for whatever reason. They exchange some brain-rattling clotheslines to start. Rick gets a belly-to-belly on Animal for two. The LOD takes over on Rick, however, getting a few two-counts. Scott comes in and gets clotheslined out of his boots on a blind charge. He manages an awkward belly-to-belly superplex, however, and Animal goes to the bearhug to slow things down. Hawk gets a SWEET powerslam and a brawl erupts. LOD tries a odd-looking version of the Doomsday Device, with Animal doing a belly-to-back suplex on Scott, but of course Scott lifts his shoulder at two and the Steiners get the pin. Good god, ANOTHER finish that I never want to see again. Match was good enough. **3/4  (2011 Scott sez:  This show is the greatest hits of horrible finishes.  Luckily Titantrons hadn’t been invented yet, because they probably would have had someone appearing on one so that another guy could get rolled up while he was yelling at the screen with his back turned.)  – Steiners – 35, Warriors – 20, Doom – 0, Samoans – 0. – The Great Muta v. Sting. They exchange full-nelsons to start, then Muta takes over with kicks. Sting quickly comes back and tries the Scorpion Deathlock, causing Muta to bail. So we start again, and Muta gets his awesome inverted bridged double-chickenwing. Sting comes back with JR’s patented “American Right Hands ™” and a press-slam for two. The horizonal elbow gets two. Muta batters him in the corner, but misses the moonsault. Man, was the writing on the wall for Muta, or what? The poor guy’s finisher was just killed by this show. Sting crotches him on a second try, hits a simple superplex, and gets the pin and 20 points. Too short to be of any worth. *1/2  (2011 Scott sez:  No matter how badly they tried, they just couldn’t destroy Muta’s mystique.  DAMN HIM FOR GETTING OVER!  Don’t the Japanese know they’re only supposed to be popular in Japania?) – Flair – 20, Luger – 20, Sting – 20, Muta – 0. – We stop to analyze things. I stop to prepare for three matches involving the Wild Samoans in the second half of the show. Where’s the liquor when you need it? Oh well, could be worse, if it wasn’t for Scott Steiner’s humanitarian efforts in the field of lung-puncturing a few weeks before this, it could have been ALL-SID, ALL-THE-TIME, BABEE! I still think Scott should have gotten the Nobel Prize for ridding the world of Sid for that short time.  (2011 Scott sez:  Just think, had someone asked him to come off the top rope in 1989, we would have been spared World Champion Sid all those times…) – The Wild Samoans v. Doom. Samoa is represented by Fatu and The Samoan Savage (Tama) tonight. I wonder how Samoa feels about always being portrayed as “wild”? I’ve known some very down-to-earth Samoans in my life, and none of them ate raw meat or wore grass skirts. I mean, why not try “The Introspective Samoans” or “The Calm Samoans” sometime, just for a change. Of course, I find the developing Samoan-as-sumo-wrestler trend from the past few years to be almost as disturbing, but maybe that’s just me. Anyhow, the match is mercifully clipped down to about 30 seconds, just long enough for me to make a joke I’ve been dying to work in somewhere since Fatu’s repackaging: The Savage plays Rikishi Morton. Ahem. Well, it SOUNDED funny when I was doing the rough draft in my notebook. (2011 Scott sez:  Yeah, a lot of things sounded funny in my notebook, especially after a few drinks.  And Rikishi, what a dumb gimmick idea.  How is a guy named Rikishi gonna get over?  Dancing with a couple of white guys?  I’d like to see that!)  Anyway, Fatu gets a hot tag and collides head-to-head with Reed, and falls on top for the cheap pin. Hey, ANOTHER finish I hate. God forbid anyone get a decisive win (over someone who isn’t Japanese) on this show. Was Vince Russo booking this or something? Samoans get 20 points, Doom finishes with zilch. Not enough there for me to rate, but I’d bet my eyeteeth that it was a DUD – Steiners – 35, Warriors – 20, Samoans – 20, Doom – 0. – Ric Flair v. Lex Luger. I’m a little disturbed that someone like Jim Ross would knowingly blow the Luger/Flair money match on this tossed-off show. Match is clipped to about 10 minutes in for time reasons. Luger is hammering on Flair. Another “Cure for Insomnia” special, as is the case when Luger is on offense as a heel. Luger gets a couple of two-counts as time winds down. Flair goes to the top for no reason I can fathom other than to be on the top rope so Luger can slam him off. It’s like one of those lucha spots where guys will just move to another part of the ring so they can be in position to get hit with a highspot. (2011 Scott sez:  Or as we call it now, “WWE Style”) Flair gets a fluke suplex and slaps on the figure-four with no buildup, but Luger holds on for the draw. Both get 5 points. Match seemed okay. ** – Luger – 25, Flair – 25, Sting – 20, Muta – 0. – The Wild Samoans v. The Steiners. Once again, clippage rears its ugly head to meet the two-hour time limit. I never got that one – if Coliseum video could spring for a T-180 tape to record three hour WWF PPVs in SP, you’d think Turner Home Entertainment could do likewise. (2011 Scott sez:  Dig that 90s tape trader jargon!) Scott is in some trouble when we pick this up, getting all bearhugged and stuff. Once again, artificial drama is created as time winds down…AGAIN…and Scott hits a fluke Frankensteiner on Fatu that allows the hot tag to Rick. The ref doesn’t see it, however, and disqualifies Rick after he tosses a Samoan over the top. Samoans get 10 points, and I get a tension headache from such a spectacularly bad finish. I mean, seriously, there’s no titles on the line, there’s like 300 people in the Omni, and the buyrate for this was negligible, so just put say “screw it” and put guys over clean.  (2011 Scott sez:  Two mini-tournaments would have been much smarter.  Tournaments are AWESOME.  I even made a tag saying so.) – Steiners – 35, Samoans – 30, Warriors – 20, Doom – 0. – Lex Luger v. The Great Muta. The point totals at this point necessitate another crap finish, because any result other than a DQ messes up the drama for the finals and basically hands the tournament to Luger. That’s the problem with this show – the format handcuffs the bookers with stupid finishes that tease the fans with a good match and then cop out. (2011 Scott sez:  See also:  That stupid PPV before Bound For Glory where they didn’t even figure out the math needed to win the tournament until the PPV itself)  Luger is still selling the knee injury from the Flair match. We join it in progress, as Muta goes to town on the knee. Muta actually gets a FACE POP for doing the bridged indian deathlock, which is admittedly a cool-looking spot. A spinkick to the face and a Holly-esque dropkick keeps things going for Muta. (2011 Scott sez:  By that I must have meant that Muta intentionally took liberties with Luger and then got a World title match at the Royal Rumble as a reward.)  Luger mounts a comeback, turning back into a babyface. One minute left, Luger goes for the Rack, and Muta blows mist in his face to draw the DQ. Luger finishes at 35 points, Muta finishes with nothing but his pride and his TV title. (2011 Scott sez:  I’m sure he felt better while rolling around in the pile of money that All Japan paid him in later years.)  The latter would go to Arn Anderson about a week after this, and the former got lost on a flight to Japan in 1993, last I checked. This match was actually shaping up to be something interesting given another few minutes, too. ** – Luger – 35, Flair – 25, Sting – 20, Muta – 0. – Iron Team Final: The Road Warriors v. The Wild Samoans. Winner takes all, pretty much. The match is short and ugly, as both teams are done for the night and running on fumes. Hawk gets a quick pin about 5 minutes in after a flying clothesline. And that’s that. DUD  (2011 Scott sez:  They showed this match on Vintage Collection recently.  It wasn’t a DUD, more like ** or so.)  – Final standings: Warriors – 40, Steiners – 35, Samoans – 30, Doom – 0. Winners: The Road Warriors. – Iron Man Final: Sting v. Ric Flair. This actually did have a bit of backstory, as Sting had joined the Horsemen a little ways previous to this, and everyone was just WAITING for him to get punked out. Nice to see Sting taking the time to reapply his makeup before the match. Nice wrestling sequence to start, with Flair playing subtle heel. The fans are sharply divided on the subject. Criss-cross sequence leads to a press-slam, and Flair bails. Back in, and it’s Flair Classic out of the blue, as he nearly chops the skin off Sting’s chest. Sting comes on with a clothesline for two, then Flair cheats and tosses Sting out of the ring. He takes over with a suplex back in, followed by the usual Flair stuff. Abdominal stretch rollup gets two. Small package gets two. Suplex gets two. Double-arm suplex gets two. Sting comes back and Flair bails again. The heel-face roles are well-defined now, as Sting no-sells the chops. Clothesline gets two, and he goes into the Stinger splash/Scorpion Deathlock sequence. Flair makes the ropes, then quickly counters with the figure-four. Sting makes the ropes. Flair continues working the knee with less than a minute left. A pinfall reversal sequence gives Sting a two-count, but Flair hits another knee-breaker. 30 seconds left, and Flair goes for the figure-four again, but Sting of course reverses to the inside cradle for the pin and 20 points. The Andersons POUNCE into the ring and the crowd senses a beatdown, but Flair calls them off and the Horsemen celebrate together. Of course, weeks later they’d turn on Sting and leave him for dead, but Sting gets so few chances to be happy, so who am I to ruin this moment for him? Match was pretty good, too, given the limitations. ***1/4  (2011 Scott sez:  I upgraded this one to **** when I did the Essential Starrcade reviews.  Hell of a match, shitty PPV.)  – Final Standings: Sting – 40, Luger – 35, Flair – 25, Muta – 0. Winner: Sting. The Bottom Line: The first of three years in a row to feature an experimental format for Starrcade, and the first Starrcade to decisively suck as a result. Just a bad idea all around here that wastes the biggest show of the year for the NWA on a dead crowd and two meaningless tournaments. Not recommended.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Starrcade 89 – I just want to start off by addressing the whole “How can Russo/Ferrera steal from themselves” debate that my Thunder report seems to have triggered. Two words: John Fogerty. He was the sole creative force behind Creedence Clearwater Revival, so much so that when he recorded a solo album in the 80s, CCR’s money-grubbing former record label actually sued him because that album sounded like a CCR album and was thus “self-plagiarism”. And they almost WON that lawsuit, too. Fogerty stuck it out and fought it, costing both sides millions, and eventually won the case. Was it silly and trivial to sue over it? Of course. But in the entertainment world, stupid stuff like that happens EVERY DAY, and Russo & Ferrera would be well-advised to remember that the WWF was more than happy to sue WCW over “intellectual property” on weaker grounds than what they’d have if they pressed a lawsuit tomorrow over, say, Buzzkill. What is right and fair and logical seldom applies in the wrestling world, legal world, or any other place these days. I’m just saying that if the WWF sues because Russo has writer’s block to go along with his million-dollar contract, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  (2011 Scott sez:  As it turns out, the whole thing was a moot point because Russo got fired anyway.  And John Fogerty did eventually reconcile with Fantasy Records and released a solo/CCR greatest hits CD that’s pretty awesome.  So happy endings for everyone!)  – Onto the show…what do you get when you’ve had a banner year quality-wise, but blew off your biggest feud (Flair v. Funk) months earlier and can’t decide who your next main event feud should involve? Why, hold an Iron Man tournament, of course, and that’s exactly what the NWA tried in the last days of the Flair/Ross booking era. It was a monumentally stupid idea because of time constraints and the fact that the only fresh, high-level match on the card was Road Warriors v. Steiners. Everything else had either been done (Flair/Luger, Flair/Sting) or held no interest for the fans. The relatively complicated scoring system meant that too much thinking was involved for the fans. As a result, this show drew flies and was a total bomb, one that pretty much signalled the end of Flair’s run with the book. – The Rules: Competitors get 20 points for a pinfall or submission, 15 for a countout win, 10 for a DQ win, and 5 for a time-limit draw. Whoever has the most points after wrestling the other three people in the tournament wins. All matches are 15 minute time limits.  (2011 Scott sez:  Sounds like something TNA would think up, actually…) – The Competitors: For the Iron Man tourney, it’s Ric Flair, Lex Luger, Sting and the Great Muta. For the Iron Team portion, it’s The Steiners, The Road Warriors, Doom and the Wild Samoans (who are subbing for the Skyscrapers). – Live from Atlanta, GA – Your hosts are Jim Ross & Terry Funk for the Iron Man matches, and Jim Ross & Jim Cornette for the Iron Team matches. – Opening match: Doom v. Rick & Scott Steiner. The arena is so empty to start that the announcers have to make excuses to cover it up. Doom still has the masks, and Woman, and that doofus bodyguard Nitron. (2011 Scott sez:  That doofus bodyguard went on to play Sabretooth in the X-Men movies, as well as Michael Myers in the Halloween reboots, so he’s doing OK for himself now.)  Simmons and Scott start, and that goes badly for Ron. Slow start as Scott works on Reed with some basic stuff. Nitron (who later became Big Sky, an early partner for Kevin Nash during his Vinnie Vegas run) (2011 Scott sez:  Jesus, didn’t you hear me?  He’s SABRETOOTH, no one gives a shit about Big Sky.  Oh wait, I’m yelling at 1999 me again, sorry) attacks Scott on the outside to gain the advantage. Fashion note: Bad-asses don’t wear spandex tights and leather jackets. Scott bumps around a bit to make Doom seem like they might have a hope in hell. Scott gets the hot tag to Rick as the 15-minute time limit is approaching. Rick stampedes over Doom with clotheslines, and everyone fights on the floor, with Rick rolling in to beat the count to steal a win and 15 points. I’ve always hated that finish. Bad choice to rev up an already indifferent crowd. *1/2 – Steiners – 15, Doom – 0, Warriors – 0, Samoans – 0. – Sting v. Lex Luger. THIS should have been the opener. Big stall-job from Lex to start. He was technically a heel at this point, but as is usually the case, became so massively popular that he started morphing into a babyface by sheer willpower of the fans. Sting gets him in the ring and hits a slingshot splash for two. They fight on the outside, not much happens. Sting controls back in the ring with move #428 (arm-BAR). (2011 Scott sez:  You can instantly pinpoint my 1998-99 rant timeline by how many Chris Jericho references I make.)  I find it astonishing that two people who have been linked as long as these two have can’t put together a decent match with each other if their lives depended on it. I mean, hell, even Hogan and Savage could half-ass a **1/2 match during their heyday thanks to sheer familiarity with each other. Sting tries a flying bodypress and gets atomic-dropped. Luger dominates for a while. The crowd yawns. So do I. Stings flips out of the Torture rack and hulks up. Luger bails with a minute left. Sting chases, but Luger falls on top back in the ring, grabs the second rope, puts his feet on the second rope, and probably would have grabbed Sting’s tights with his other free hand had he thought of it. Anyway, that’s enough for the cheap pin and 20 points, the SECOND bad finish for the show. * On the other hand, the lack of a true heel today – one who will gladly stoop to pinning a guy with his feet on the ropes and a handful of tights – is something I notice all the time.  (2011 Scott sez:  Now we’ve swung all the way to the other extreme, where all the heels are weasels like Alberto Del Rio and Cody Rhodes, and when someone actually kicks ass like Mark Henry he turns into a monster who gets over.)  – Luger – 20, Sting – 0, Flair – 0, Muta – 0. – The Road Warriors v. Doom. To use an Oklahoman metaphor, this should be uglier than a pitbull at a poodle convention. Turner editors must agree, because the match is clipped to the 10-minute mark with the LOD cleaning house. Reed tries a piledriver on Animal, allowing Hawk to come off the top with a clothesline and Animal gets the pin and 20 points. Seemed about ½* – Warriors – 20, Steiners – 15, Doom – 0, Samoans – 0. – The Great Muta v. Ric Flair. Muta was the undefeated TV champion at this point, but don’t blink or you’ll miss this match. Flair gets a kneebreaker and figure-four about a minute in, then the Andersons and the J-Tex group brawl, allowing Muta to escape, miss the moonsault, and get rolled up for the pin. Flair gets 20 points for 2 minutes’ work. DUD – Lex Luger – 20, Ric Flair – 20, Sting – 0, Muta – 0. – The Road Warriors v. The Steiners. Jim Cornette describes this as the “insensible force meeting the illiterate object” which is probably closer to the truth than you’d expect. Lots of mutual respect and stuff. This is the one, and only, meeting of these teams. (2011 Scott sez:  That still blows my mind.  The phrase “Leaving money on the table” has never seemed so apt.  Both teams were basically still in their primes, and WCW could have turned the Warriors heel again and jobbed them to the Steiners up and down the US on their way to the WWF and probably drawn some BIG money.) They were both in WCW in 1996 during the Jurassic Revival Period that pre-dated the n.W.o, but their paths never crossed for whatever reason. They exchange some brain-rattling clotheslines to start. Rick gets a belly-to-belly on Animal for two. The LOD takes over on Rick, however, getting a few two-counts. Scott comes in and gets clotheslined out of his boots on a blind charge. He manages an awkward belly-to-belly superplex, however, and Animal goes to the bearhug to slow things down. Hawk gets a SWEET powerslam and a brawl erupts. LOD tries a odd-looking version of the Doomsday Device, with Animal doing a belly-to-back suplex on Scott, but of course Scott lifts his shoulder at two and the Steiners get the pin. Good god, ANOTHER finish that I never want to see again. Match was good enough. **3/4  (2011 Scott sez:  This show is the greatest hits of horrible finishes.  Luckily Titantrons hadn’t been invented yet, because they probably would have had someone appearing on one so that another guy could get rolled up while he was yelling at the screen with his back turned.)  – Steiners – 35, Warriors – 20, Doom – 0, Samoans – 0. – The Great Muta v. Sting. They exchange full-nelsons to start, then Muta takes over with kicks. Sting quickly comes back and tries the Scorpion Deathlock, causing Muta to bail. So we start again, and Muta gets his awesome inverted bridged double-chickenwing. Sting comes back with JR’s patented “American Right Hands ™” and a press-slam for two. The horizonal elbow gets two. Muta batters him in the corner, but misses the moonsault. Man, was the writing on the wall for Muta, or what? The poor guy’s finisher was just killed by this show. Sting crotches him on a second try, hits a simple superplex, and gets the pin and 20 points. Too short to be of any worth. *1/2  (2011 Scott sez:  No matter how badly they tried, they just couldn’t destroy Muta’s mystique.  DAMN HIM FOR GETTING OVER!  Don’t the Japanese know they’re only supposed to be popular in Japania?) – Flair – 20, Luger – 20, Sting – 20, Muta – 0. – We stop to analyze things. I stop to prepare for three matches involving the Wild Samoans in the second half of the show. Where’s the liquor when you need it? Oh well, could be worse, if it wasn’t for Scott Steiner’s humanitarian efforts in the field of lung-puncturing a few weeks before this, it could have been ALL-SID, ALL-THE-TIME, BABEE! I still think Scott should have gotten the Nobel Prize for ridding the world of Sid for that short time.  (2011 Scott sez:  Just think, had someone asked him to come off the top rope in 1989, we would have been spared World Champion Sid all those times…) – The Wild Samoans v. Doom. Samoa is represented by Fatu and The Samoan Savage (Tama) tonight. I wonder how Samoa feels about always being portrayed as “wild”? I’ve known some very down-to-earth Samoans in my life, and none of them ate raw meat or wore grass skirts. I mean, why not try “The Introspective Samoans” or “The Calm Samoans” sometime, just for a change. Of course, I find the developing Samoan-as-sumo-wrestler trend from the past few years to be almost as disturbing, but maybe that’s just me. Anyhow, the match is mercifully clipped down to about 30 seconds, just long enough for me to make a joke I’ve been dying to work in somewhere since Fatu’s repackaging: The Savage plays Rikishi Morton. Ahem. Well, it SOUNDED funny when I was doing the rough draft in my notebook. (2011 Scott sez:  Yeah, a lot of things sounded funny in my notebook, especially after a few drinks.  And Rikishi, what a dumb gimmick idea.  How is a guy named Rikishi gonna get over?  Dancing with a couple of white guys?  I’d like to see that!)  Anyway, Fatu gets a hot tag and collides head-to-head with Reed, and falls on top for the cheap pin. Hey, ANOTHER finish I hate. God forbid anyone get a decisive win (over someone who isn’t Japanese) on this show. Was Vince Russo booking this or something? Samoans get 20 points, Doom finishes with zilch. Not enough there for me to rate, but I’d bet my eyeteeth that it was a DUD – Steiners – 35, Warriors – 20, Samoans – 20, Doom – 0. – Ric Flair v. Lex Luger. I’m a little disturbed that someone like Jim Ross would knowingly blow the Luger/Flair money match on this tossed-off show. Match is clipped to about 10 minutes in for time reasons. Luger is hammering on Flair. Another “Cure for Insomnia” special, as is the case when Luger is on offense as a heel. Luger gets a couple of two-counts as time winds down. Flair goes to the top for no reason I can fathom other than to be on the top rope so Luger can slam him off. It’s like one of those lucha spots where guys will just move to another part of the ring so they can be in position to get hit with a highspot. (2011 Scott sez:  Or as we call it now, “WWE Style”) Flair gets a fluke suplex and slaps on the figure-four with no buildup, but Luger holds on for the draw. Both get 5 points. Match seemed okay. ** – Luger – 25, Flair – 25, Sting – 20, Muta – 0. – The Wild Samoans v. The Steiners. Once again, clippage rears its ugly head to meet the two-hour time limit. I never got that one – if Coliseum video could spring for a T-180 tape to record three hour WWF PPVs in SP, you’d think Turner Home Entertainment could do likewise. (2011 Scott sez:  Dig that 90s tape trader jargon!) Scott is in some trouble when we pick this up, getting all bearhugged and stuff. Once again, artificial drama is created as time winds down…AGAIN…and Scott hits a fluke Frankensteiner on Fatu that allows the hot tag to Rick. The ref doesn’t see it, however, and disqualifies Rick after he tosses a Samoan over the top. Samoans get 10 points, and I get a tension headache from such a spectacularly bad finish. I mean, seriously, there’s no titles on the line, there’s like 300 people in the Omni, and the buyrate for this was negligible, so just put say “screw it” and put guys over clean.  (2011 Scott sez:  Two mini-tournaments would have been much smarter.  Tournaments are AWESOME.  I even made a tag saying so.) – Steiners – 35, Samoans – 30, Warriors – 20, Doom – 0. – Lex Luger v. The Great Muta. The point totals at this point necessitate another crap finish, because any result other than a DQ messes up the drama for the finals and basically hands the tournament to Luger. That’s the problem with this show – the format handcuffs the bookers with stupid finishes that tease the fans with a good match and then cop out. (2011 Scott sez:  See also:  That stupid PPV before Bound For Glory where they didn’t even figure out the math needed to win the tournament until the PPV itself)  Luger is still selling the knee injury from the Flair match. We join it in progress, as Muta goes to town on the knee. Muta actually gets a FACE POP for doing the bridged indian deathlock, which is admittedly a cool-looking spot. A spinkick to the face and a Holly-esque dropkick keeps things going for Muta. (2011 Scott sez:  By that I must have meant that Muta intentionally took liberties with Luger and then got a World title match at the Royal Rumble as a reward.)  Luger mounts a comeback, turning back into a babyface. One minute left, Luger goes for the Rack, and Muta blows mist in his face to draw the DQ. Luger finishes at 35 points, Muta finishes with nothing but his pride and his TV title. (2011 Scott sez:  I’m sure he felt better while rolling around in the pile of money that All Japan paid him in later years.)  The latter would go to Arn Anderson about a week after this, and the former got lost on a flight to Japan in 1993, last I checked. This match was actually shaping up to be something interesting given another few minutes, too. ** – Luger – 35, Flair – 25, Sting – 20, Muta – 0. – Iron Team Final: The Road Warriors v. The Wild Samoans. Winner takes all, pretty much. The match is short and ugly, as both teams are done for the night and running on fumes. Hawk gets a quick pin about 5 minutes in after a flying clothesline. And that’s that. DUD  (2011 Scott sez:  They showed this match on Vintage Collection recently.  It wasn’t a DUD, more like ** or so.)  – Final standings: Warriors – 40, Steiners – 35, Samoans – 30, Doom – 0. Winners: The Road Warriors. – Iron Man Final: Sting v. Ric Flair. This actually did have a bit of backstory, as Sting had joined the Horsemen a little ways previous to this, and everyone was just WAITING for him to get punked out. Nice to see Sting taking the time to reapply his makeup before the match. Nice wrestling sequence to start, with Flair playing subtle heel. The fans are sharply divided on the subject. Criss-cross sequence leads to a press-slam, and Flair bails. Back in, and it’s Flair Classic out of the blue, as he nearly chops the skin off Sting’s chest. Sting comes on with a clothesline for two, then Flair cheats and tosses Sting out of the ring. He takes over with a suplex back in, followed by the usual Flair stuff. Abdominal stretch rollup gets two. Small package gets two. Suplex gets two. Double-arm suplex gets two. Sting comes back and Flair bails again. The heel-face roles are well-defined now, as Sting no-sells the chops. Clothesline gets two, and he goes into the Stinger splash/Scorpion Deathlock sequence. Flair makes the ropes, then quickly counters with the figure-four. Sting makes the ropes. Flair continues working the knee with less than a minute left. A pinfall reversal sequence gives Sting a two-count, but Flair hits another knee-breaker. 30 seconds left, and Flair goes for the figure-four again, but Sting of course reverses to the inside cradle for the pin and 20 points. The Andersons POUNCE into the ring and the crowd senses a beatdown, but Flair calls them off and the Horsemen celebrate together. Of course, weeks later they’d turn on Sting and leave him for dead, but Sting gets so few chances to be happy, so who am I to ruin this moment for him? Match was pretty good, too, given the limitations. ***1/4  (2011 Scott sez:  I upgraded this one to **** when I did the Essential Starrcade reviews.  Hell of a match, shitty PPV.)  – Final Standings: Sting – 40, Luger – 35, Flair – 25, Muta – 0. Winner: Sting. The Bottom Line: The first of three years in a row to feature an experimental format for Starrcade, and the first Starrcade to decisively suck as a result. Just a bad idea all around here that wastes the biggest show of the year for the NWA on a dead crowd and two meaningless tournaments. Not recommended.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Starrcade 89 – I just want to start off by addressing the whole “How can Russo/Ferrera steal from themselves” debate that my Thunder report seems to have triggered. Two words: John Fogerty. He was the sole creative force behind Creedence Clearwater Revival, so much so that when he recorded a solo album in the 80s, CCR’s money-grubbing former record label actually sued him because that album sounded like a CCR album and was thus “self-plagiarism”. And they almost WON that lawsuit, too. Fogerty stuck it out and fought it, costing both sides millions, and eventually won the case. Was it silly and trivial to sue over it? Of course. But in the entertainment world, stupid stuff like that happens EVERY DAY, and Russo & Ferrera would be well-advised to remember that the WWF was more than happy to sue WCW over “intellectual property” on weaker grounds than what they’d have if they pressed a lawsuit tomorrow over, say, Buzzkill. What is right and fair and logical seldom applies in the wrestling world, legal world, or any other place these days. I’m just saying that if the WWF sues because Russo has writer’s block to go along with his million-dollar contract, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  (2011 Scott sez:  As it turns out, the whole thing was a moot point because Russo got fired anyway.  And John Fogerty did eventually reconcile with Fantasy Records and released a solo/CCR greatest hits CD that’s pretty awesome.  So happy endings for everyone!)  – Onto the show…what do you get when you’ve had a banner year quality-wise, but blew off your biggest feud (Flair v. Funk) months earlier and can’t decide who your next main event feud should involve? Why, hold an Iron Man tournament, of course, and that’s exactly what the NWA tried in the last days of the Flair/Ross booking era. It was a monumentally stupid idea because of time constraints and the fact that the only fresh, high-level match on the card was Road Warriors v. Steiners. Everything else had either been done (Flair/Luger, Flair/Sting) or held no interest for the fans. The relatively complicated scoring system meant that too much thinking was involved for the fans. As a result, this show drew flies and was a total bomb, one that pretty much signalled the end of Flair’s run with the book. – The Rules: Competitors get 20 points for a pinfall or submission, 15 for a countout win, 10 for a DQ win, and 5 for a time-limit draw. Whoever has the most points after wrestling the other three people in the tournament wins. All matches are 15 minute time limits.  (2011 Scott sez:  Sounds like something TNA would think up, actually…) – The Competitors: For the Iron Man tourney, it’s Ric Flair, Lex Luger, Sting and the Great Muta. For the Iron Team portion, it’s The Steiners, The Road Warriors, Doom and the Wild Samoans (who are subbing for the Skyscrapers). – Live from Atlanta, GA – Your hosts are Jim Ross & Terry Funk for the Iron Man matches, and Jim Ross & Jim Cornette for the Iron Team matches. – Opening match: Doom v. Rick & Scott Steiner. The arena is so empty to start that the announcers have to make excuses to cover it up. Doom still has the masks, and Woman, and that doofus bodyguard Nitron. (2011 Scott sez:  That doofus bodyguard went on to play Sabretooth in the X-Men movies, as well as Michael Myers in the Halloween reboots, so he’s doing OK for himself now.)  Simmons and Scott start, and that goes badly for Ron. Slow start as Scott works on Reed with some basic stuff. Nitron (who later became Big Sky, an early partner for Kevin Nash during his Vinnie Vegas run) (2011 Scott sez:  Jesus, didn’t you hear me?  He’s SABRETOOTH, no one gives a shit about Big Sky.  Oh wait, I’m yelling at 1999 me again, sorry) attacks Scott on the outside to gain the advantage. Fashion note: Bad-asses don’t wear spandex tights and leather jackets. Scott bumps around a bit to make Doom seem like they might have a hope in hell. Scott gets the hot tag to Rick as the 15-minute time limit is approaching. Rick stampedes over Doom with clotheslines, and everyone fights on the floor, with Rick rolling in to beat the count to steal a win and 15 points. I’ve always hated that finish. Bad choice to rev up an already indifferent crowd. *1/2 – Steiners – 15, Doom – 0, Warriors – 0, Samoans – 0. – Sting v. Lex Luger. THIS should have been the opener. Big stall-job from Lex to start. He was technically a heel at this point, but as is usually the case, became so massively popular that he started morphing into a babyface by sheer willpower of the fans. Sting gets him in the ring and hits a slingshot splash for two. They fight on the outside, not much happens. Sting controls back in the ring with move #428 (arm-BAR). (2011 Scott sez:  You can instantly pinpoint my 1998-99 rant timeline by how many Chris Jericho references I make.)  I find it astonishing that two people who have been linked as long as these two have can’t put together a decent match with each other if their lives depended on it. I mean, hell, even Hogan and Savage could half-ass a **1/2 match during their heyday thanks to sheer familiarity with each other. Sting tries a flying bodypress and gets atomic-dropped. Luger dominates for a while. The crowd yawns. So do I. Stings flips out of the Torture rack and hulks up. Luger bails with a minute left. Sting chases, but Luger falls on top back in the ring, grabs the second rope, puts his feet on the second rope, and probably would have grabbed Sting’s tights with his other free hand had he thought of it. Anyway, that’s enough for the cheap pin and 20 points, the SECOND bad finish for the show. * On the other hand, the lack of a true heel today – one who will gladly stoop to pinning a guy with his feet on the ropes and a handful of tights – is something I notice all the time.  (2011 Scott sez:  Now we’ve swung all the way to the other extreme, where all the heels are weasels like Alberto Del Rio and Cody Rhodes, and when someone actually kicks ass like Mark Henry he turns into a monster who gets over.)  – Luger – 20, Sting – 0, Flair – 0, Muta – 0. – The Road Warriors v. Doom. To use an Oklahoman metaphor, this should be uglier than a pitbull at a poodle convention. Turner editors must agree, because the match is clipped to the 10-minute mark with the LOD cleaning house. Reed tries a piledriver on Animal, allowing Hawk to come off the top with a clothesline and Animal gets the pin and 20 points. Seemed about ½* – Warriors – 20, Steiners – 15, Doom – 0, Samoans – 0. – The Great Muta v. Ric Flair. Muta was the undefeated TV champion at this point, but don’t blink or you’ll miss this match. Flair gets a kneebreaker and figure-four about a minute in, then the Andersons and the J-Tex group brawl, allowing Muta to escape, miss the moonsault, and get rolled up for the pin. Flair gets 20 points for 2 minutes’ work. DUD – Lex Luger – 20, Ric Flair – 20, Sting – 0, Muta – 0. – The Road Warriors v. The Steiners. Jim Cornette describes this as the “insensible force meeting the illiterate object” which is probably closer to the truth than you’d expect. Lots of mutual respect and stuff. This is the one, and only, meeting of these teams. (2011 Scott sez:  That still blows my mind.  The phrase “Leaving money on the table” has never seemed so apt.  Both teams were basically still in their primes, and WCW could have turned the Warriors heel again and jobbed them to the Steiners up and down the US on their way to the WWF and probably drawn some BIG money.) They were both in WCW in 1996 during the Jurassic Revival Period that pre-dated the n.W.o, but their paths never crossed for whatever reason. They exchange some brain-rattling clotheslines to start. Rick gets a belly-to-belly on Animal for two. The LOD takes over on Rick, however, getting a few two-counts. Scott comes in and gets clotheslined out of his boots on a blind charge. He manages an awkward belly-to-belly superplex, however, and Animal goes to the bearhug to slow things down. Hawk gets a SWEET powerslam and a brawl erupts. LOD tries a odd-looking version of the Doomsday Device, with Animal doing a belly-to-back suplex on Scott, but of course Scott lifts his shoulder at two and the Steiners get the pin. Good god, ANOTHER finish that I never want to see again. Match was good enough. **3/4  (2011 Scott sez:  This show is the greatest hits of horrible finishes.  Luckily Titantrons hadn’t been invented yet, because they probably would have had someone appearing on one so that another guy could get rolled up while he was yelling at the screen with his back turned.)  – Steiners – 35, Warriors – 20, Doom – 0, Samoans – 0. – The Great Muta v. Sting. They exchange full-nelsons to start, then Muta takes over with kicks. Sting quickly comes back and tries the Scorpion Deathlock, causing Muta to bail. So we start again, and Muta gets his awesome inverted bridged double-chickenwing. Sting comes back with JR’s patented “American Right Hands ™” and a press-slam for two. The horizonal elbow gets two. Muta batters him in the corner, but misses the moonsault. Man, was the writing on the wall for Muta, or what? The poor guy’s finisher was just killed by this show. Sting crotches him on a second try, hits a simple superplex, and gets the pin and 20 points. Too short to be of any worth. *1/2  (2011 Scott sez:  No matter how badly they tried, they just couldn’t destroy Muta’s mystique.  DAMN HIM FOR GETTING OVER!  Don’t the Japanese know they’re only supposed to be popular in Japania?) – Flair – 20, Luger – 20, Sting – 20, Muta – 0. – We stop to analyze things. I stop to prepare for three matches involving the Wild Samoans in the second half of the show. Where’s the liquor when you need it? Oh well, could be worse, if it wasn’t for Scott Steiner’s humanitarian efforts in the field of lung-puncturing a few weeks before this, it could have been ALL-SID, ALL-THE-TIME, BABEE! I still think Scott should have gotten the Nobel Prize for ridding the world of Sid for that short time.  (2011 Scott sez:  Just think, had someone asked him to come off the top rope in 1989, we would have been spared World Champion Sid all those times…) – The Wild Samoans v. Doom. Samoa is represented by Fatu and The Samoan Savage (Tama) tonight. I wonder how Samoa feels about always being portrayed as “wild”? I’ve known some very down-to-earth Samoans in my life, and none of them ate raw meat or wore grass skirts. I mean, why not try “The Introspective Samoans” or “The Calm Samoans” sometime, just for a change. Of course, I find the developing Samoan-as-sumo-wrestler trend from the past few years to be almost as disturbing, but maybe that’s just me. Anyhow, the match is mercifully clipped down to about 30 seconds, just long enough for me to make a joke I’ve been dying to work in somewhere since Fatu’s repackaging: The Savage plays Rikishi Morton. Ahem. Well, it SOUNDED funny when I was doing the rough draft in my notebook. (2011 Scott sez:  Yeah, a lot of things sounded funny in my notebook, especially after a few drinks.  And Rikishi, what a dumb gimmick idea.  How is a guy named Rikishi gonna get over?  Dancing with a couple of white guys?  I’d like to see that!)  Anyway, Fatu gets a hot tag and collides head-to-head with Reed, and falls on top for the cheap pin. Hey, ANOTHER finish I hate. God forbid anyone get a decisive win (over someone who isn’t Japanese) on this show. Was Vince Russo booking this or something? Samoans get 20 points, Doom finishes with zilch. Not enough there for me to rate, but I’d bet my eyeteeth that it was a DUD – Steiners – 35, Warriors – 20, Samoans – 20, Doom – 0. – Ric Flair v. Lex Luger. I’m a little disturbed that someone like Jim Ross would knowingly blow the Luger/Flair money match on this tossed-off show. Match is clipped to about 10 minutes in for time reasons. Luger is hammering on Flair. Another “Cure for Insomnia” special, as is the case when Luger is on offense as a heel. Luger gets a couple of two-counts as time winds down. Flair goes to the top for no reason I can fathom other than to be on the top rope so Luger can slam him off. It’s like one of those lucha spots where guys will just move to another part of the ring so they can be in position to get hit with a highspot. (2011 Scott sez:  Or as we call it now, “WWE Style”) Flair gets a fluke suplex and slaps on the figure-four with no buildup, but Luger holds on for the draw. Both get 5 points. Match seemed okay. ** – Luger – 25, Flair – 25, Sting – 20, Muta – 0. – The Wild Samoans v. The Steiners. Once again, clippage rears its ugly head to meet the two-hour time limit. I never got that one – if Coliseum video could spring for a T-180 tape to record three hour WWF PPVs in SP, you’d think Turner Home Entertainment could do likewise. (2011 Scott sez:  Dig that 90s tape trader jargon!) Scott is in some trouble when we pick this up, getting all bearhugged and stuff. Once again, artificial drama is created as time winds down…AGAIN…and Scott hits a fluke Frankensteiner on Fatu that allows the hot tag to Rick. The ref doesn’t see it, however, and disqualifies Rick after he tosses a Samoan over the top. Samoans get 10 points, and I get a tension headache from such a spectacularly bad finish. I mean, seriously, there’s no titles on the line, there’s like 300 people in the Omni, and the buyrate for this was negligible, so just put say “screw it” and put guys over clean.  (2011 Scott sez:  Two mini-tournaments would have been much smarter.  Tournaments are AWESOME.  I even made a tag saying so.) – Steiners – 35, Samoans – 30, Warriors – 20, Doom – 0. – Lex Luger v. The Great Muta. The point totals at this point necessitate another crap finish, because any result other than a DQ messes up the drama for the finals and basically hands the tournament to Luger. That’s the problem with this show – the format handcuffs the bookers with stupid finishes that tease the fans with a good match and then cop out. (2011 Scott sez:  See also:  That stupid PPV before Bound For Glory where they didn’t even figure out the math needed to win the tournament until the PPV itself)  Luger is still selling the knee injury from the Flair match. We join it in progress, as Muta goes to town on the knee. Muta actually gets a FACE POP for doing the bridged indian deathlock, which is admittedly a cool-looking spot. A spinkick to the face and a Holly-esque dropkick keeps things going for Muta. (2011 Scott sez:  By that I must have meant that Muta intentionally took liberties with Luger and then got a World title match at the Royal Rumble as a reward.)  Luger mounts a comeback, turning back into a babyface. One minute left, Luger goes for the Rack, and Muta blows mist in his face to draw the DQ. Luger finishes at 35 points, Muta finishes with nothing but his pride and his TV title. (2011 Scott sez:  I’m sure he felt better while rolling around in the pile of money that All Japan paid him in later years.)  The latter would go to Arn Anderson about a week after this, and the former got lost on a flight to Japan in 1993, last I checked. This match was actually shaping up to be something interesting given another few minutes, too. ** – Luger – 35, Flair – 25, Sting – 20, Muta – 0. – Iron Team Final: The Road Warriors v. The Wild Samoans. Winner takes all, pretty much. The match is short and ugly, as both teams are done for the night and running on fumes. Hawk gets a quick pin about 5 minutes in after a flying clothesline. And that’s that. DUD  (2011 Scott sez:  They showed this match on Vintage Collection recently.  It wasn’t a DUD, more like ** or so.)  – Final standings: Warriors – 40, Steiners – 35, Samoans – 30, Doom – 0. Winners: The Road Warriors. – Iron Man Final: Sting v. Ric Flair. This actually did have a bit of backstory, as Sting had joined the Horsemen a little ways previous to this, and everyone was just WAITING for him to get punked out. Nice to see Sting taking the time to reapply his makeup before the match. Nice wrestling sequence to start, with Flair playing subtle heel. The fans are sharply divided on the subject. Criss-cross sequence leads to a press-slam, and Flair bails. Back in, and it’s Flair Classic out of the blue, as he nearly chops the skin off Sting’s chest. Sting comes on with a clothesline for two, then Flair cheats and tosses Sting out of the ring. He takes over with a suplex back in, followed by the usual Flair stuff. Abdominal stretch rollup gets two. Small package gets two. Suplex gets two. Double-arm suplex gets two. Sting comes back and Flair bails again. The heel-face roles are well-defined now, as Sting no-sells the chops. Clothesline gets two, and he goes into the Stinger splash/Scorpion Deathlock sequence. Flair makes the ropes, then quickly counters with the figure-four. Sting makes the ropes. Flair continues working the knee with less than a minute left. A pinfall reversal sequence gives Sting a two-count, but Flair hits another knee-breaker. 30 seconds left, and Flair goes for the figure-four again, but Sting of course reverses to the inside cradle for the pin and 20 points. The Andersons POUNCE into the ring and the crowd senses a beatdown, but Flair calls them off and the Horsemen celebrate together. Of course, weeks later they’d turn on Sting and leave him for dead, but Sting gets so few chances to be happy, so who am I to ruin this moment for him? Match was pretty good, too, given the limitations. ***1/4  (2011 Scott sez:  I upgraded this one to **** when I did the Essential Starrcade reviews.  Hell of a match, shitty PPV.)  – Final Standings: Sting – 40, Luger – 35, Flair – 25, Muta – 0. Winner: Sting. The Bottom Line: The first of three years in a row to feature an experimental format for Starrcade, and the first Starrcade to decisively suck as a result. Just a bad idea all around here that wastes the biggest show of the year for the NWA on a dead crowd and two meaningless tournaments. Not recommended.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Starrcade 89 – I just want to start off by addressing the whole “How can Russo/Ferrera steal from themselves” debate that my Thunder report seems to have triggered. Two words: John Fogerty. He was the sole creative force behind Creedence Clearwater Revival, so much so that when he recorded a solo album in the 80s, CCR’s money-grubbing former record label actually sued him because that album sounded like a CCR album and was thus “self-plagiarism”. And they almost WON that lawsuit, too. Fogerty stuck it out and fought it, costing both sides millions, and eventually won the case. Was it silly and trivial to sue over it? Of course. But in the entertainment world, stupid stuff like that happens EVERY DAY, and Russo & Ferrera would be well-advised to remember that the WWF was more than happy to sue WCW over “intellectual property” on weaker grounds than what they’d have if they pressed a lawsuit tomorrow over, say, Buzzkill. What is right and fair and logical seldom applies in the wrestling world, legal world, or any other place these days. I’m just saying that if the WWF sues because Russo has writer’s block to go along with his million-dollar contract, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  (2011 Scott sez:  As it turns out, the whole thing was a moot point because Russo got fired anyway.  And John Fogerty did eventually reconcile with Fantasy Records and released a solo/CCR greatest hits CD that’s pretty awesome.  So happy endings for everyone!)  – Onto the show…what do you get when you’ve had a banner year quality-wise, but blew off your biggest feud (Flair v. Funk) months earlier and can’t decide who your next main event feud should involve? Why, hold an Iron Man tournament, of course, and that’s exactly what the NWA tried in the last days of the Flair/Ross booking era. It was a monumentally stupid idea because of time constraints and the fact that the only fresh, high-level match on the card was Road Warriors v. Steiners. Everything else had either been done (Flair/Luger, Flair/Sting) or held no interest for the fans. The relatively complicated scoring system meant that too much thinking was involved for the fans. As a result, this show drew flies and was a total bomb, one that pretty much signalled the end of Flair’s run with the book. – The Rules: Competitors get 20 points for a pinfall or submission, 15 for a countout win, 10 for a DQ win, and 5 for a time-limit draw. Whoever has the most points after wrestling the other three people in the tournament wins. All matches are 15 minute time limits.  (2011 Scott sez:  Sounds like something TNA would think up, actually…) – The Competitors: For the Iron Man tourney, it’s Ric Flair, Lex Luger, Sting and the Great Muta. For the Iron Team portion, it’s The Steiners, The Road Warriors, Doom and the Wild Samoans (who are subbing for the Skyscrapers). – Live from Atlanta, GA – Your hosts are Jim Ross & Terry Funk for the Iron Man matches, and Jim Ross & Jim Cornette for the Iron Team matches. – Opening match: Doom v. Rick & Scott Steiner. The arena is so empty to start that the announcers have to make excuses to cover it up. Doom still has the masks, and Woman, and that doofus bodyguard Nitron. (2011 Scott sez:  That doofus bodyguard went on to play Sabretooth in the X-Men movies, as well as Michael Myers in the Halloween reboots, so he’s doing OK for himself now.)  Simmons and Scott start, and that goes badly for Ron. Slow start as Scott works on Reed with some basic stuff. Nitron (who later became Big Sky, an early partner for Kevin Nash during his Vinnie Vegas run) (2011 Scott sez:  Jesus, didn’t you hear me?  He’s SABRETOOTH, no one gives a shit about Big Sky.  Oh wait, I’m yelling at 1999 me again, sorry) attacks Scott on the outside to gain the advantage. Fashion note: Bad-asses don’t wear spandex tights and leather jackets. Scott bumps around a bit to make Doom seem like they might have a hope in hell. Scott gets the hot tag to Rick as the 15-minute time limit is approaching. Rick stampedes over Doom with clotheslines, and everyone fights on the floor, with Rick rolling in to beat the count to steal a win and 15 points. I’ve always hated that finish. Bad choice to rev up an already indifferent crowd. *1/2 – Steiners – 15, Doom – 0, Warriors – 0, Samoans – 0. – Sting v. Lex Luger. THIS should have been the opener. Big stall-job from Lex to start. He was technically a heel at this point, but as is usually the case, became so massively popular that he started morphing into a babyface by sheer willpower of the fans. Sting gets him in the ring and hits a slingshot splash for two. They fight on the outside, not much happens. Sting controls back in the ring with move #428 (arm-BAR). (2011 Scott sez:  You can instantly pinpoint my 1998-99 rant timeline by how many Chris Jericho references I make.)  I find it astonishing that two people who have been linked as long as these two have can’t put together a decent match with each other if their lives depended on it. I mean, hell, even Hogan and Savage could half-ass a **1/2 match during their heyday thanks to sheer familiarity with each other. Sting tries a flying bodypress and gets atomic-dropped. Luger dominates for a while. The crowd yawns. So do I. Stings flips out of the Torture rack and hulks up. Luger bails with a minute left. Sting chases, but Luger falls on top back in the ring, grabs the second rope, puts his feet on the second rope, and probably would have grabbed Sting’s tights with his other free hand had he thought of it. Anyway, that’s enough for the cheap pin and 20 points, the SECOND bad finish for the show. * On the other hand, the lack of a true heel today – one who will gladly stoop to pinning a guy with his feet on the ropes and a handful of tights – is something I notice all the time.  (2011 Scott sez:  Now we’ve swung all the way to the other extreme, where all the heels are weasels like Alberto Del Rio and Cody Rhodes, and when someone actually kicks ass like Mark Henry he turns into a monster who gets over.)  – Luger – 20, Sting – 0, Flair – 0, Muta – 0. – The Road Warriors v. Doom. To use an Oklahoman metaphor, this should be uglier than a pitbull at a poodle convention. Turner editors must agree, because the match is clipped to the 10-minute mark with the LOD cleaning house. Reed tries a piledriver on Animal, allowing Hawk to come off the top with a clothesline and Animal gets the pin and 20 points. Seemed about ½* – Warriors – 20, Steiners – 15, Doom – 0, Samoans – 0. – The Great Muta v. Ric Flair. Muta was the undefeated TV champion at this point, but don’t blink or you’ll miss this match. Flair gets a kneebreaker and figure-four about a minute in, then the Andersons and the J-Tex group brawl, allowing Muta to escape, miss the moonsault, and get rolled up for the pin. Flair gets 20 points for 2 minutes’ work. DUD – Lex Luger – 20, Ric Flair – 20, Sting – 0, Muta – 0. – The Road Warriors v. The Steiners. Jim Cornette describes this as the “insensible force meeting the illiterate object” which is probably closer to the truth than you’d expect. Lots of mutual respect and stuff. This is the one, and only, meeting of these teams. (2011 Scott sez:  That still blows my mind.  The phrase “Leaving money on the table” has never seemed so apt.  Both teams were basically still in their primes, and WCW could have turned the Warriors heel again and jobbed them to the Steiners up and down the US on their way to the WWF and probably drawn some BIG money.) They were both in WCW in 1996 during the Jurassic Revival Period that pre-dated the n.W.o, but their paths never crossed for whatever reason. They exchange some brain-rattling clotheslines to start. Rick gets a belly-to-belly on Animal for two. The LOD takes over on Rick, however, getting a few two-counts. Scott comes in and gets clotheslined out of his boots on a blind charge. He manages an awkward belly-to-belly superplex, however, and Animal goes to the bearhug to slow things down. Hawk gets a SWEET powerslam and a brawl erupts. LOD tries a odd-looking version of the Doomsday Device, with Animal doing a belly-to-back suplex on Scott, but of course Scott lifts his shoulder at two and the Steiners get the pin. Good god, ANOTHER finish that I never want to see again. Match was good enough. **3/4  (2011 Scott sez:  This show is the greatest hits of horrible finishes.  Luckily Titantrons hadn’t been invented yet, because they probably would have had someone appearing on one so that another guy could get rolled up while he was yelling at the screen with his back turned.)  – Steiners – 35, Warriors – 20, Doom – 0, Samoans – 0. – The Great Muta v. Sting. They exchange full-nelsons to start, then Muta takes over with kicks. Sting quickly comes back and tries the Scorpion Deathlock, causing Muta to bail. So we start again, and Muta gets his awesome inverted bridged double-chickenwing. Sting comes back with JR’s patented “American Right Hands ™” and a press-slam for two. The horizonal elbow gets two. Muta batters him in the corner, but misses the moonsault. Man, was the writing on the wall for Muta, or what? The poor guy’s finisher was just killed by this show. Sting crotches him on a second try, hits a simple superplex, and gets the pin and 20 points. Too short to be of any worth. *1/2  (2011 Scott sez:  No matter how badly they tried, they just couldn’t destroy Muta’s mystique.  DAMN HIM FOR GETTING OVER!  Don’t the Japanese know they’re only supposed to be popular in Japania?) – Flair – 20, Luger – 20, Sting – 20, Muta – 0. – We stop to analyze things. I stop to prepare for three matches involving the Wild Samoans in the second half of the show. Where’s the liquor when you need it? Oh well, could be worse, if it wasn’t for Scott Steiner’s humanitarian efforts in the field of lung-puncturing a few weeks before this, it could have been ALL-SID, ALL-THE-TIME, BABEE! I still think Scott should have gotten the Nobel Prize for ridding the world of Sid for that short time.  (2011 Scott sez:  Just think, had someone asked him to come off the top rope in 1989, we would have been spared World Champion Sid all those times…) – The Wild Samoans v. Doom. Samoa is represented by Fatu and The Samoan Savage (Tama) tonight. I wonder how Samoa feels about always being portrayed as “wild”? I’ve known some very down-to-earth Samoans in my life, and none of them ate raw meat or wore grass skirts. I mean, why not try “The Introspective Samoans” or “The Calm Samoans” sometime, just for a change. Of course, I find the developing Samoan-as-sumo-wrestler trend from the past few years to be almost as disturbing, but maybe that’s just me. Anyhow, the match is mercifully clipped down to about 30 seconds, just long enough for me to make a joke I’ve been dying to work in somewhere since Fatu’s repackaging: The Savage plays Rikishi Morton. Ahem. Well, it SOUNDED funny when I was doing the rough draft in my notebook. (2011 Scott sez:  Yeah, a lot of things sounded funny in my notebook, especially after a few drinks.  And Rikishi, what a dumb gimmick idea.  How is a guy named Rikishi gonna get over?  Dancing with a couple of white guys?  I’d like to see that!)  Anyway, Fatu gets a hot tag and collides head-to-head with Reed, and falls on top for the cheap pin. Hey, ANOTHER finish I hate. God forbid anyone get a decisive win (over someone who isn’t Japanese) on this show. Was Vince Russo booking this or something? Samoans get 20 points, Doom finishes with zilch. Not enough there for me to rate, but I’d bet my eyeteeth that it was a DUD – Steiners – 35, Warriors – 20, Samoans – 20, Doom – 0. – Ric Flair v. Lex Luger. I’m a little disturbed that someone like Jim Ross would knowingly blow the Luger/Flair money match on this tossed-off show. Match is clipped to about 10 minutes in for time reasons. Luger is hammering on Flair. Another “Cure for Insomnia” special, as is the case when Luger is on offense as a heel. Luger gets a couple of two-counts as time winds down. Flair goes to the top for no reason I can fathom other than to be on the top rope so Luger can slam him off. It’s like one of those lucha spots where guys will just move to another part of the ring so they can be in position to get hit with a highspot. (2011 Scott sez:  Or as we call it now, “WWE Style”) Flair gets a fluke suplex and slaps on the figure-four with no buildup, but Luger holds on for the draw. Both get 5 points. Match seemed okay. ** – Luger – 25, Flair – 25, Sting – 20, Muta – 0. – The Wild Samoans v. The Steiners. Once again, clippage rears its ugly head to meet the two-hour time limit. I never got that one – if Coliseum video could spring for a T-180 tape to record three hour WWF PPVs in SP, you’d think Turner Home Entertainment could do likewise. (2011 Scott sez:  Dig that 90s tape trader jargon!) Scott is in some trouble when we pick this up, getting all bearhugged and stuff. Once again, artificial drama is created as time winds down…AGAIN…and Scott hits a fluke Frankensteiner on Fatu that allows the hot tag to Rick. The ref doesn’t see it, however, and disqualifies Rick after he tosses a Samoan over the top. Samoans get 10 points, and I get a tension headache from such a spectacularly bad finish. I mean, seriously, there’s no titles on the line, there’s like 300 people in the Omni, and the buyrate for this was negligible, so just put say “screw it” and put guys over clean.  (2011 Scott sez:  Two mini-tournaments would have been much smarter.  Tournaments are AWESOME.  I even made a tag saying so.) – Steiners – 35, Samoans – 30, Warriors – 20, Doom – 0. – Lex Luger v. The Great Muta. The point totals at this point necessitate another crap finish, because any result other than a DQ messes up the drama for the finals and basically hands the tournament to Luger. That’s the problem with this show – the format handcuffs the bookers with stupid finishes that tease the fans with a good match and then cop out. (2011 Scott sez:  See also:  That stupid PPV before Bound For Glory where they didn’t even figure out the math needed to win the tournament until the PPV itself)  Luger is still selling the knee injury from the Flair match. We join it in progress, as Muta goes to town on the knee. Muta actually gets a FACE POP for doing the bridged indian deathlock, which is admittedly a cool-looking spot. A spinkick to the face and a Holly-esque dropkick keeps things going for Muta. (2011 Scott sez:  By that I must have meant that Muta intentionally took liberties with Luger and then got a World title match at the Royal Rumble as a reward.)  Luger mounts a comeback, turning back into a babyface. One minute left, Luger goes for the Rack, and Muta blows mist in his face to draw the DQ. Luger finishes at 35 points, Muta finishes with nothing but his pride and his TV title. (2011 Scott sez:  I’m sure he felt better while rolling around in the pile of money that All Japan paid him in later years.)  The latter would go to Arn Anderson about a week after this, and the former got lost on a flight to Japan in 1993, last I checked. This match was actually shaping up to be something interesting given another few minutes, too. ** – Luger – 35, Flair – 25, Sting – 20, Muta – 0. – Iron Team Final: The Road Warriors v. The Wild Samoans. Winner takes all, pretty much. The match is short and ugly, as both teams are done for the night and running on fumes. Hawk gets a quick pin about 5 minutes in after a flying clothesline. And that’s that. DUD  (2011 Scott sez:  They showed this match on Vintage Collection recently.  It wasn’t a DUD, more like ** or so.)  – Final standings: Warriors – 40, Steiners – 35, Samoans – 30, Doom – 0. Winners: The Road Warriors. – Iron Man Final: Sting v. Ric Flair. This actually did have a bit of backstory, as Sting had joined the Horsemen a little ways previous to this, and everyone was just WAITING for him to get punked out. Nice to see Sting taking the time to reapply his makeup before the match. Nice wrestling sequence to start, with Flair playing subtle heel. The fans are sharply divided on the subject. Criss-cross sequence leads to a press-slam, and Flair bails. Back in, and it’s Flair Classic out of the blue, as he nearly chops the skin off Sting’s chest. Sting comes on with a clothesline for two, then Flair cheats and tosses Sting out of the ring. He takes over with a suplex back in, followed by the usual Flair stuff. Abdominal stretch rollup gets two. Small package gets two. Suplex gets two. Double-arm suplex gets two. Sting comes back and Flair bails again. The heel-face roles are well-defined now, as Sting no-sells the chops. Clothesline gets two, and he goes into the Stinger splash/Scorpion Deathlock sequence. Flair makes the ropes, then quickly counters with the figure-four. Sting makes the ropes. Flair continues working the knee with less than a minute left. A pinfall reversal sequence gives Sting a two-count, but Flair hits another knee-breaker. 30 seconds left, and Flair goes for the figure-four again, but Sting of course reverses to the inside cradle for the pin and 20 points. The Andersons POUNCE into the ring and the crowd senses a beatdown, but Flair calls them off and the Horsemen celebrate together. Of course, weeks later they’d turn on Sting and leave him for dead, but Sting gets so few chances to be happy, so who am I to ruin this moment for him? Match was pretty good, too, given the limitations. ***1/4  (2011 Scott sez:  I upgraded this one to **** when I did the Essential Starrcade reviews.  Hell of a match, shitty PPV.)  – Final Standings: Sting – 40, Luger – 35, Flair – 25, Muta – 0. Winner: Sting. The Bottom Line: The first of three years in a row to feature an experimental format for Starrcade, and the first Starrcade to decisively suck as a result. Just a bad idea all around here that wastes the biggest show of the year for the NWA on a dead crowd and two meaningless tournaments. Not recommended.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Survivor Series 89

In our continuing trip back to when the WWF REALLY REALLY SUCKED, we hit Survivor Series 89, which was probably the low point, wrestling-wise, of the year.  If you don’t count No Holds Barred: The Pay-Per-View.  And really, who does?

And no, I will NOT review No Holds Barred:  The Pay-Per-View.  So just don’t even bother e-mailing me about it.

2011 Scott sez:  This still holds true today.

Live from Chicago, IL

Your hosts are Jesse Ventura and Gorilla Monsoon.

Thankfully (or not, depending on your point of view), by 1989 the WWF had managed to get organized enough not to have every PPV run 4 and a half hours, and so no clipping was needed for this show.

Opening match:  Big Bossman, Bad News Brown, Honky Tonk Man & Rick Martel v. Brutus Beefcake, Tito Santana, Terry Taylor & Dusty Rhodes.

And as you can see, the unwieldly 5 on 5 format was dumped in favor of 4 on 4, which produced 5 matches instead of 4.  Good move, sez I.  Martel & Santana had the main issue (I refuse to call Bossman & the American Cow’s “feud” over the nightstick a legitimate issue) so they start.  Pretty non-descript match to start, as they run through the basics and Taylor gets to play sacrificial lamb.  Or rooster.  He was just riding out the contractual gravy train at that point anyway, collecting his pay until he could legally go ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD but the WWF.  Santana gets the hot tag and kills Martel, but tries a rollup and it gets reversed for the pin.  Geez, that makes like 140 matches between those two with that ending.  Interesting note for those of you obsessive enough to e-mail me stuff like this:  Shane-O-Mac, the most homocidal, genocidal, suicidal guy to wear a sweater vest, is the on-the-floor referee for every match, probably stuck there on the order of Daddy-O-Mac in order to learn the flow and pace of a wrestling match.  The future Sapphire is shown in the front row of the crowd, cheering on the Dream.  Taylor and Martel do a nice sequence, and AGAIN poor Terry gets killed.  Geez, he’s getting buried, we GET IT ALREADY.  He makes the mistake of talking smack to Bad News Brown, and takes a beating for it.  Gotta admire the guy for guts.  However, once again, Bad News runs afoul of a teammate (this year’s lucky winner:  Big Bossman) and walks out on his team.  But I mean, it makes sense:  What self-respecting bad-ass black guy would team with a prison guard and a guy nicknamed “Honky”?  It’s just BEGGING for a bad situation.  Ahem.  HTM & Beefcake do their usual match, with an unusual twist:  Beefcake hits a high knee and Honky lays down clean.  Martel & Beefer do a boring mini-match next, with Brutus getting the pin on a sunset flip.  Bossman is 1-on-3 now.  He dispatches Taylor without breaking much of a sweat, and speaking of breaking sweat, here comes Dusty with a bodypress for the pin and the victory at 22:00.  This was decent.  **1/4  Survivors:  Dusty Rhodes, Brutus Beefcake.

Randy Savage, Dino Bravo, Greg Valentine & Earthquake v. Jim Duggan, Ronnie Garvin, Bret Hart & Hercules.

Wow, a synchronized 2×4 routine! Yeah, just kill me now.  Bravo is, I believe, subbing for Barry Windham here, who I distinctly remember being part of this show but can’t for the life of me remember who took his place.  (2011 Scott sez:  See, I told you I’d suck at that Sporcle quiz!)  Bret gets BIG pops when he gets in the ring, and don’t think that wasn’t noticed.  The faces lay into Valentine for a while.  Hercules gets caught in the wrong corner, however, and flattened with a Quake splash in short order.  Buh bye.  Bret manages to schoolboy Quake from behind, which allows Garvin a splash for a two count.  Cute.  Garvin plays slug-in-peril for a while.  Duggan catches a quick tag and clotheslines Hammer for the pin.  Bret and Savage exchange a quick sequence, bringing a ray of hope into this show.  Sadly, Bravo tags in.  Sigh.  Garvin comes in and gets side-slammed and pinned.  Gee, and I thought he had it wrapped up after the GARVIN STOMP OF DOOM.  Savage & Bret tease me again by doing another couple of minutes.  Brets gets destroyed by Earthquake and does his usual amazing sell job.  Miracle tag allows Duggan to come in to get a few shots in, but then he tags Bret back in.  HUH?  And as you’d expect, Savage pounces like a vulture and finishes the injured Bret with the big elbow.  Man, what an idiot Duggan is.  Duggan is now 1-on-3.  He uses his limited brain power to temporarily outsmart the heels, but then they realize that there’s THREE of them and ONE of Duggan and proceed to getting medieval on him.  Unnecessarily cheap ending follows as Sherri trips him up and he’s counted out at 23:23.  Geez, you’ve got a former World champ, the World’s Strongest Man and a guy named after a natural disaster, and they need a GIRL to beat Duggan?  That’s just sad.  *1/2  Survivors:  Bravo, Earthquake, Savage.  (2011 Scott sez:  You know what’s even more sad?  Just look at who the three survivors and the manager are and what happened to them all.  Unfortunately they proved to be anything but survivors of wrestling)

And now, here to read a poem for us all, the Genius.

Ted Dibiase, Zeus, Warlord & Barbarian v. Hulk Hogan, Jake Roberts & Demolition. 

Oh, this oughta be a classic.  The Demos had regained the tag titles from the Brainbusters the week before (in TV time), but only because the ‘Busters were rapidly being shown the door and Vince needed an over team to job to that other awesome duo:  Haku & Andre the Giant.  Yeah, that’s a fair trade.  That big Hogan v. Zeus issue was still building, so they start.  For those who weren’t around way back then, there was a VERY real fear amongst smart fans that Vince would run Hogan v. Zeus as the main at Wrestlemania VI.  The big Z no-sells all of Hogan’s offense, which makes him my hero for a few seconds.  He shoves the ref and gets DQ’d.  Yeah, bring on that singles match!  Well, at least he went quick.  Hulk gets beat up by the heels for a while, then Snake & Dibiase do their thing.  They had the issue at the time, ostensibly over the Million Dollar Belt…but my secret inside sources reveal that in fact it was a big contest between them, to see who destroy their life most dramatically with drugs and alcohol, then last longest doing the bible-thumping circuit as born-again Christians.  Dibiase won that one pretty easily.  And at that point, Gorilla hits a great quote:  “I don’t care if you’ve got a Z on the side of your head or not, THAT’S NOT LEGAL”.  Try saying that one to complete strangers, just to annoy them.  Ax comes in and gets pinned after being tripped up and elbow-dropped.  Smash comes in, more boredom follows, and he gets clotheslined and pinned by Barbarian.  Man, did the Demos piss off a booker or something?  The heels work Roberts over slowly.  Hogan gets the hot tag and is double-teamed by the Powers of Pain, who are BOTH disqualified.  LAAAAAAAAAAAAME.  Jesse is nearly going apoplectic, yelling about Hebner being paid off by Hogan and giving him an easy time of it by disqualifying 3/4 of Dibiase’s team.  He’s got a point.  Anyway, it’s Hogan & Roberts v. Dibiase.  If it’s 1988, then MAYBE there’s suspense, but the Dibiase push is deader than…aw, just make your own tasteless joke.  Hogan survives the Million Dollar Dream by using that special scientific counter:  Having your partner run in and cheap shot the guy on the third drop of the arm.  What a PUSS Hogan was.  Be a freakin’ MAN and DO THE JOB for once your life, you orange freak.  Jake gets the hot tag, but Virgil runs in (with a broken arm — now THAT’S Smithers-quality toadying) and takes a DDT for the boss, which allows Dibiase to drop a fist and pin Roberts with his feet on the ropes.  And the plot thickens.  Dibiase kills Hogan until The Thing That Wouldn’t Go Away decides to start no-selling at an arbitrary and finish Dibiase with his usual at 27:28.  I *really* question the need for Hogan to win that match, considering his was ALREADY the champion and all.  I mean, if you put Dibiase over there, you pop HUGE heel heat for him and build to a pretty good blowoff for the future.  Alas, such are the dreams of fools like I.   Survivor:  Hulk Hogan.

Intermission.

Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka & The Bushwhackers v. Rick Rude, Mr. Perfect & The Rougeau Brothers.

Talk about your contrast in talent.  The faces start by providing a visual demonstration of my opinion of the lot of them:  They all bite.  (2011 Scott sez:  Hey, I love Roddy Piper!  WCW must have really soured me on him at that point.)  Pretty much a comedy match to start, with Jacques in full melodramatic oversell mode.  Superfly splash gets rid of him in short order.  Rude & Hennig have some heel miscommunication to keep the faces on offense.  Piper gets Raymond on a piledriver.  So it’s Rude & Hennig against all four faces.  Hennig gets beat up, but manages a quick rollup on Butch to even it up a little.  Rude takes out Luke with the Rude Awakening and it’s 2-on-2.  The heels now toy with Snuka for a while, with Hennig his usual great self.  The sequence can most politiely be referred to as “unreasonably lengthy” and least politely as “more boring than watching Nitro”.  Piper gets the hot tag as I struggle to remember how they booked it to get rid of Piper and Rude without anyone jobbing.  Oh, yeah, brawl to double-countout, that’s it.  You know, the transition from 80s wrestling to 90s wrestling was starting to become apparent, as the bookers didn’t want to job ANYONE to ANYONE if they could possibly help it, because it might hurt a house show gate in Podunk, MD if the fans didn’t believe that both guys in the “C level” show main event were indestructible.  You know, the more I learn about the politics of wrestling, the more the smart in me hopes I never get involved in any way.   We’re down to Snuka v. Perfect, and then the mark in me gets another little ray of hope, as Snuka wisely allows Hennig to carry him through a really nice little wrestling match.  A roll-through on a cross-body gets two for Perfect, and the Perfectplex finishes it at 21:27.  Nothing cheers me up more than watching Curt Hennig rebel against the bookers in his own way by getting over on his god-given wrestling ability.  And despite Hogan’s politicking, he used that talent to get so over that he was THAT close to being put over Hogan before it got vetoed by the Balding One.  This match, however, was just there.  *  Survivor:  Curt Hennig.  (2011 Scott sez:  I’m pretty sure this match must have been better than I’m giving it credit for.  I could be kind of a dick in the 90s)

Ultimate Warrior, Jim Neidhart, Shawn Michaels & Marty Jannetty v. Bobby Heenan, Arn Anderson, Haku & Andre the Giant.

Heenan is in there because Tully Blanchard “failed a drug test” (HAH!) and got fired before the show.  (2011 Scott sez:  Of course, Tully actually DID fail a drug test, which makes you ask “How much blow did you have to do to fail a WWF drug test in the 80s?” and there you have your answer.)  Ultimate Warrior does the Steve Austin entrance, waiting until his partners get beat on by the heels, and THEN making the big save.  As a testament to how pathetically deteriorated he was, Andre gets clotheslined out of the ring by Warrior and counted out mere seconds into the match.  Yeah, there’s a GREAT choice to put the tag titles on, Vince.  No wonder you almost went bankrupt in 1990, you moron.  To put this in perspective, this was the time when Warrior was headlining house shows against Andre and winning in 30 seconds with three clotheslines.  Think Hulk Hogan will be doing the house show circuit to put over a hot newcomer when HE’S 60 years old and falling apart?  (2011 Scott sez:  Of course not!  He’ll be headlining TNA’s Bound For Glory PPV against Sting and getting Flair to take bumps for him!)

 Neidhart beats up everyone while Andre stands in the aisleway doing what can be best described as his impersonation of Rock doing his impersonation of the Big Show. (2011 Scott sez:  What the fuck was I talking about there?)  Anvil quickly takes a Haku thrust kick to the back of the head and hits the showers.  The Rockers and AA/Haku proceed to do a GREAT little mini-match, and I suddenly dream about what they had planned if Tully hadn’t been turfed.  Heenan draws HUGE heel heat by tagging in for a cheap shot and then immediately tagging out.  Then, after AA beats Jannetty into a pulp, he tags in again and gets the pin.  See, THAT’S how to be a cowardly heel.  Warrior takes out his agressions on Arn and Haku, then Shawn finishes Haku with a cross-body off the top.  Shawn gets tossed to the floor and we almost have LUCHA-BRAIN as Bobby teases a dive off the top rope, but then thinks better of it.  The Heenan Family dissention is furthered as Heenan gives Arn shit for, you know, tagging him.  Arn takes out his frustrations on Michaels, pinning him after a spinebuster.  So it’s Warrior against AA and the Brain.  Arn gets some essentially token offense, then gets splattered.  See ya.  Warrior toys with the Weasel for his own petty amusement (the best kind) then puts him out of his misery with a should tackle at 20:25.  Okay, I admit, I enjoyed watching Warrior humiliate poor Bobby and give him his just desserts.  The match falls under my usual category:  Entertaining crap.  **3/4

 The Bottom Line:

This was pretty much as pedestrian and unexceptional as they come, which was par for the course at that time.

But hey, the next year, something REALLY big happens, so there’s always that to look forward to.

Don’t bother with 89, however.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Survivor Series 89

In our continuing trip back to when the WWF REALLY REALLY SUCKED, we hit Survivor Series 89, which was probably the low point, wrestling-wise, of the year.  If you don’t count No Holds Barred: The Pay-Per-View.  And really, who does?

And no, I will NOT review No Holds Barred:  The Pay-Per-View.  So just don’t even bother e-mailing me about it.

2011 Scott sez:  This still holds true today.

Live from Chicago, IL

Your hosts are Jesse Ventura and Gorilla Monsoon.

Thankfully (or not, depending on your point of view), by 1989 the WWF had managed to get organized enough not to have every PPV run 4 and a half hours, and so no clipping was needed for this show.

Opening match:  Big Bossman, Bad News Brown, Honky Tonk Man & Rick Martel v. Brutus Beefcake, Tito Santana, Terry Taylor & Dusty Rhodes.

And as you can see, the unwieldly 5 on 5 format was dumped in favor of 4 on 4, which produced 5 matches instead of 4.  Good move, sez I.  Martel & Santana had the main issue (I refuse to call Bossman & the American Cow’s “feud” over the nightstick a legitimate issue) so they start.  Pretty non-descript match to start, as they run through the basics and Taylor gets to play sacrificial lamb.  Or rooster.  He was just riding out the contractual gravy train at that point anyway, collecting his pay until he could legally go ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD but the WWF.  Santana gets the hot tag and kills Martel, but tries a rollup and it gets reversed for the pin.  Geez, that makes like 140 matches between those two with that ending.  Interesting note for those of you obsessive enough to e-mail me stuff like this:  Shane-O-Mac, the most homocidal, genocidal, suicidal guy to wear a sweater vest, is the on-the-floor referee for every match, probably stuck there on the order of Daddy-O-Mac in order to learn the flow and pace of a wrestling match.  The future Sapphire is shown in the front row of the crowd, cheering on the Dream.  Taylor and Martel do a nice sequence, and AGAIN poor Terry gets killed.  Geez, he’s getting buried, we GET IT ALREADY.  He makes the mistake of talking smack to Bad News Brown, and takes a beating for it.  Gotta admire the guy for guts.  However, once again, Bad News runs afoul of a teammate (this year’s lucky winner:  Big Bossman) and walks out on his team.  But I mean, it makes sense:  What self-respecting bad-ass black guy would team with a prison guard and a guy nicknamed “Honky”?  It’s just BEGGING for a bad situation.  Ahem.  HTM & Beefcake do their usual match, with an unusual twist:  Beefcake hits a high knee and Honky lays down clean.  Martel & Beefer do a boring mini-match next, with Brutus getting the pin on a sunset flip.  Bossman is 1-on-3 now.  He dispatches Taylor without breaking much of a sweat, and speaking of breaking sweat, here comes Dusty with a bodypress for the pin and the victory at 22:00.  This was decent.  **1/4  Survivors:  Dusty Rhodes, Brutus Beefcake.

Randy Savage, Dino Bravo, Greg Valentine & Earthquake v. Jim Duggan, Ronnie Garvin, Bret Hart & Hercules.

Wow, a synchronized 2×4 routine! Yeah, just kill me now.  Bravo is, I believe, subbing for Barry Windham here, who I distinctly remember being part of this show but can’t for the life of me remember who took his place.  (2011 Scott sez:  See, I told you I’d suck at that Sporcle quiz!)  Bret gets BIG pops when he gets in the ring, and don’t think that wasn’t noticed.  The faces lay into Valentine for a while.  Hercules gets caught in the wrong corner, however, and flattened with a Quake splash in short order.  Buh bye.  Bret manages to schoolboy Quake from behind, which allows Garvin a splash for a two count.  Cute.  Garvin plays slug-in-peril for a while.  Duggan catches a quick tag and clotheslines Hammer for the pin.  Bret and Savage exchange a quick sequence, bringing a ray of hope into this show.  Sadly, Bravo tags in.  Sigh.  Garvin comes in and gets side-slammed and pinned.  Gee, and I thought he had it wrapped up after the GARVIN STOMP OF DOOM.  Savage & Bret tease me again by doing another couple of minutes.  Brets gets destroyed by Earthquake and does his usual amazing sell job.  Miracle tag allows Duggan to come in to get a few shots in, but then he tags Bret back in.  HUH?  And as you’d expect, Savage pounces like a vulture and finishes the injured Bret with the big elbow.  Man, what an idiot Duggan is.  Duggan is now 1-on-3.  He uses his limited brain power to temporarily outsmart the heels, but then they realize that there’s THREE of them and ONE of Duggan and proceed to getting medieval on him.  Unnecessarily cheap ending follows as Sherri trips him up and he’s counted out at 23:23.  Geez, you’ve got a former World champ, the World’s Strongest Man and a guy named after a natural disaster, and they need a GIRL to beat Duggan?  That’s just sad.  *1/2  Survivors:  Bravo, Earthquake, Savage.  (2011 Scott sez:  You know what’s even more sad?  Just look at who the three survivors and the manager are and what happened to them all.  Unfortunately they proved to be anything but survivors of wrestling)

And now, here to read a poem for us all, the Genius.

Ted Dibiase, Zeus, Warlord & Barbarian v. Hulk Hogan, Jake Roberts & Demolition. 

Oh, this oughta be a classic.  The Demos had regained the tag titles from the Brainbusters the week before (in TV time), but only because the ‘Busters were rapidly being shown the door and Vince needed an over team to job to that other awesome duo:  Haku & Andre the Giant.  Yeah, that’s a fair trade.  That big Hogan v. Zeus issue was still building, so they start.  For those who weren’t around way back then, there was a VERY real fear amongst smart fans that Vince would run Hogan v. Zeus as the main at Wrestlemania VI.  The big Z no-sells all of Hogan’s offense, which makes him my hero for a few seconds.  He shoves the ref and gets DQ’d.  Yeah, bring on that singles match!  Well, at least he went quick.  Hulk gets beat up by the heels for a while, then Snake & Dibiase do their thing.  They had the issue at the time, ostensibly over the Million Dollar Belt…but my secret inside sources reveal that in fact it was a big contest between them, to see who destroy their life most dramatically with drugs and alcohol, then last longest doing the bible-thumping circuit as born-again Christians.  Dibiase won that one pretty easily.  And at that point, Gorilla hits a great quote:  “I don’t care if you’ve got a Z on the side of your head or not, THAT’S NOT LEGAL”.  Try saying that one to complete strangers, just to annoy them.  Ax comes in and gets pinned after being tripped up and elbow-dropped.  Smash comes in, more boredom follows, and he gets clotheslined and pinned by Barbarian.  Man, did the Demos piss off a booker or something?  The heels work Roberts over slowly.  Hogan gets the hot tag and is double-teamed by the Powers of Pain, who are BOTH disqualified.  LAAAAAAAAAAAAME.  Jesse is nearly going apoplectic, yelling about Hebner being paid off by Hogan and giving him an easy time of it by disqualifying 3/4 of Dibiase’s team.  He’s got a point.  Anyway, it’s Hogan & Roberts v. Dibiase.  If it’s 1988, then MAYBE there’s suspense, but the Dibiase push is deader than…aw, just make your own tasteless joke.  Hogan survives the Million Dollar Dream by using that special scientific counter:  Having your partner run in and cheap shot the guy on the third drop of the arm.  What a PUSS Hogan was.  Be a freakin’ MAN and DO THE JOB for once your life, you orange freak.  Jake gets the hot tag, but Virgil runs in (with a broken arm — now THAT’S Smithers-quality toadying) and takes a DDT for the boss, which allows Dibiase to drop a fist and pin Roberts with his feet on the ropes.  And the plot thickens.  Dibiase kills Hogan until The Thing That Wouldn’t Go Away decides to start no-selling at an arbitrary and finish Dibiase with his usual at 27:28.  I *really* question the need for Hogan to win that match, considering his was ALREADY the champion and all.  I mean, if you put Dibiase over there, you pop HUGE heel heat for him and build to a pretty good blowoff for the future.  Alas, such are the dreams of fools like I.   Survivor:  Hulk Hogan.

Intermission.

Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka & The Bushwhackers v. Rick Rude, Mr. Perfect & The Rougeau Brothers.

Talk about your contrast in talent.  The faces start by providing a visual demonstration of my opinion of the lot of them:  They all bite.  (2011 Scott sez:  Hey, I love Roddy Piper!  WCW must have really soured me on him at that point.)  Pretty much a comedy match to start, with Jacques in full melodramatic oversell mode.  Superfly splash gets rid of him in short order.  Rude & Hennig have some heel miscommunication to keep the faces on offense.  Piper gets Raymond on a piledriver.  So it’s Rude & Hennig against all four faces.  Hennig gets beat up, but manages a quick rollup on Butch to even it up a little.  Rude takes out Luke with the Rude Awakening and it’s 2-on-2.  The heels now toy with Snuka for a while, with Hennig his usual great self.  The sequence can most politiely be referred to as “unreasonably lengthy” and least politely as “more boring than watching Nitro”.  Piper gets the hot tag as I struggle to remember how they booked it to get rid of Piper and Rude without anyone jobbing.  Oh, yeah, brawl to double-countout, that’s it.  You know, the transition from 80s wrestling to 90s wrestling was starting to become apparent, as the bookers didn’t want to job ANYONE to ANYONE if they could possibly help it, because it might hurt a house show gate in Podunk, MD if the fans didn’t believe that both guys in the “C level” show main event were indestructible.  You know, the more I learn about the politics of wrestling, the more the smart in me hopes I never get involved in any way.   We’re down to Snuka v. Perfect, and then the mark in me gets another little ray of hope, as Snuka wisely allows Hennig to carry him through a really nice little wrestling match.  A roll-through on a cross-body gets two for Perfect, and the Perfectplex finishes it at 21:27.  Nothing cheers me up more than watching Curt Hennig rebel against the bookers in his own way by getting over on his god-given wrestling ability.  And despite Hogan’s politicking, he used that talent to get so over that he was THAT close to being put over Hogan before it got vetoed by the Balding One.  This match, however, was just there.  *  Survivor:  Curt Hennig.  (2011 Scott sez:  I’m pretty sure this match must have been better than I’m giving it credit for.  I could be kind of a dick in the 90s)

Ultimate Warrior, Jim Neidhart, Shawn Michaels & Marty Jannetty v. Bobby Heenan, Arn Anderson, Haku & Andre the Giant.

Heenan is in there because Tully Blanchard “failed a drug test” (HAH!) and got fired before the show.  (2011 Scott sez:  Of course, Tully actually DID fail a drug test, which makes you ask “How much blow did you have to do to fail a WWF drug test in the 80s?” and there you have your answer.)  Ultimate Warrior does the Steve Austin entrance, waiting until his partners get beat on by the heels, and THEN making the big save.  As a testament to how pathetically deteriorated he was, Andre gets clotheslined out of the ring by Warrior and counted out mere seconds into the match.  Yeah, there’s a GREAT choice to put the tag titles on, Vince.  No wonder you almost went bankrupt in 1990, you moron.  To put this in perspective, this was the time when Warrior was headlining house shows against Andre and winning in 30 seconds with three clotheslines.  Think Hulk Hogan will be doing the house show circuit to put over a hot newcomer when HE’S 60 years old and falling apart?  (2011 Scott sez:  Of course not!  He’ll be headlining TNA’s Bound For Glory PPV against Sting and getting Flair to take bumps for him!)

 Neidhart beats up everyone while Andre stands in the aisleway doing what can be best described as his impersonation of Rock doing his impersonation of the Big Show. (2011 Scott sez:  What the fuck was I talking about there?)  Anvil quickly takes a Haku thrust kick to the back of the head and hits the showers.  The Rockers and AA/Haku proceed to do a GREAT little mini-match, and I suddenly dream about what they had planned if Tully hadn’t been turfed.  Heenan draws HUGE heel heat by tagging in for a cheap shot and then immediately tagging out.  Then, after AA beats Jannetty into a pulp, he tags in again and gets the pin.  See, THAT’S how to be a cowardly heel.  Warrior takes out his agressions on Arn and Haku, then Shawn finishes Haku with a cross-body off the top.  Shawn gets tossed to the floor and we almost have LUCHA-BRAIN as Bobby teases a dive off the top rope, but then thinks better of it.  The Heenan Family dissention is furthered as Heenan gives Arn shit for, you know, tagging him.  Arn takes out his frustrations on Michaels, pinning him after a spinebuster.  So it’s Warrior against AA and the Brain.  Arn gets some essentially token offense, then gets splattered.  See ya.  Warrior toys with the Weasel for his own petty amusement (the best kind) then puts him out of his misery with a should tackle at 20:25.  Okay, I admit, I enjoyed watching Warrior humiliate poor Bobby and give him his just desserts.  The match falls under my usual category:  Entertaining crap.  **3/4

 The Bottom Line:

This was pretty much as pedestrian and unexceptional as they come, which was par for the course at that time.

But hey, the next year, something REALLY big happens, so there’s always that to look forward to.

Don’t bother with 89, however.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Survivor Series 89

In our continuing trip back to when the WWF REALLY REALLY SUCKED, we hit Survivor Series 89, which was probably the low point, wrestling-wise, of the year.  If you don’t count No Holds Barred: The Pay-Per-View.  And really, who does?

And no, I will NOT review No Holds Barred:  The Pay-Per-View.  So just don’t even bother e-mailing me about it.

2011 Scott sez:  This still holds true today.

Live from Chicago, IL

Your hosts are Jesse Ventura and Gorilla Monsoon.

Thankfully (or not, depending on your point of view), by 1989 the WWF had managed to get organized enough not to have every PPV run 4 and a half hours, and so no clipping was needed for this show.

Opening match:  Big Bossman, Bad News Brown, Honky Tonk Man & Rick Martel v. Brutus Beefcake, Tito Santana, Terry Taylor & Dusty Rhodes.

And as you can see, the unwieldly 5 on 5 format was dumped in favor of 4 on 4, which produced 5 matches instead of 4.  Good move, sez I.  Martel & Santana had the main issue (I refuse to call Bossman & the American Cow’s “feud” over the nightstick a legitimate issue) so they start.  Pretty non-descript match to start, as they run through the basics and Taylor gets to play sacrificial lamb.  Or rooster.  He was just riding out the contractual gravy train at that point anyway, collecting his pay until he could legally go ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD but the WWF.  Santana gets the hot tag and kills Martel, but tries a rollup and it gets reversed for the pin.  Geez, that makes like 140 matches between those two with that ending.  Interesting note for those of you obsessive enough to e-mail me stuff like this:  Shane-O-Mac, the most homocidal, genocidal, suicidal guy to wear a sweater vest, is the on-the-floor referee for every match, probably stuck there on the order of Daddy-O-Mac in order to learn the flow and pace of a wrestling match.  The future Sapphire is shown in the front row of the crowd, cheering on the Dream.  Taylor and Martel do a nice sequence, and AGAIN poor Terry gets killed.  Geez, he’s getting buried, we GET IT ALREADY.  He makes the mistake of talking smack to Bad News Brown, and takes a beating for it.  Gotta admire the guy for guts.  However, once again, Bad News runs afoul of a teammate (this year’s lucky winner:  Big Bossman) and walks out on his team.  But I mean, it makes sense:  What self-respecting bad-ass black guy would team with a prison guard and a guy nicknamed “Honky”?  It’s just BEGGING for a bad situation.  Ahem.  HTM & Beefcake do their usual match, with an unusual twist:  Beefcake hits a high knee and Honky lays down clean.  Martel & Beefer do a boring mini-match next, with Brutus getting the pin on a sunset flip.  Bossman is 1-on-3 now.  He dispatches Taylor without breaking much of a sweat, and speaking of breaking sweat, here comes Dusty with a bodypress for the pin and the victory at 22:00.  This was decent.  **1/4  Survivors:  Dusty Rhodes, Brutus Beefcake.

Randy Savage, Dino Bravo, Greg Valentine & Earthquake v. Jim Duggan, Ronnie Garvin, Bret Hart & Hercules.

Wow, a synchronized 2×4 routine! Yeah, just kill me now.  Bravo is, I believe, subbing for Barry Windham here, who I distinctly remember being part of this show but can’t for the life of me remember who took his place.  (2011 Scott sez:  See, I told you I’d suck at that Sporcle quiz!)  Bret gets BIG pops when he gets in the ring, and don’t think that wasn’t noticed.  The faces lay into Valentine for a while.  Hercules gets caught in the wrong corner, however, and flattened with a Quake splash in short order.  Buh bye.  Bret manages to schoolboy Quake from behind, which allows Garvin a splash for a two count.  Cute.  Garvin plays slug-in-peril for a while.  Duggan catches a quick tag and clotheslines Hammer for the pin.  Bret and Savage exchange a quick sequence, bringing a ray of hope into this show.  Sadly, Bravo tags in.  Sigh.  Garvin comes in and gets side-slammed and pinned.  Gee, and I thought he had it wrapped up after the GARVIN STOMP OF DOOM.  Savage & Bret tease me again by doing another couple of minutes.  Brets gets destroyed by Earthquake and does his usual amazing sell job.  Miracle tag allows Duggan to come in to get a few shots in, but then he tags Bret back in.  HUH?  And as you’d expect, Savage pounces like a vulture and finishes the injured Bret with the big elbow.  Man, what an idiot Duggan is.  Duggan is now 1-on-3.  He uses his limited brain power to temporarily outsmart the heels, but then they realize that there’s THREE of them and ONE of Duggan and proceed to getting medieval on him.  Unnecessarily cheap ending follows as Sherri trips him up and he’s counted out at 23:23.  Geez, you’ve got a former World champ, the World’s Strongest Man and a guy named after a natural disaster, and they need a GIRL to beat Duggan?  That’s just sad.  *1/2  Survivors:  Bravo, Earthquake, Savage.  (2011 Scott sez:  You know what’s even more sad?  Just look at who the three survivors and the manager are and what happened to them all.  Unfortunately they proved to be anything but survivors of wrestling)

And now, here to read a poem for us all, the Genius.

Ted Dibiase, Zeus, Warlord & Barbarian v. Hulk Hogan, Jake Roberts & Demolition. 

Oh, this oughta be a classic.  The Demos had regained the tag titles from the Brainbusters the week before (in TV time), but only because the ‘Busters were rapidly being shown the door and Vince needed an over team to job to that other awesome duo:  Haku & Andre the Giant.  Yeah, that’s a fair trade.  That big Hogan v. Zeus issue was still building, so they start.  For those who weren’t around way back then, there was a VERY real fear amongst smart fans that Vince would run Hogan v. Zeus as the main at Wrestlemania VI.  The big Z no-sells all of Hogan’s offense, which makes him my hero for a few seconds.  He shoves the ref and gets DQ’d.  Yeah, bring on that singles match!  Well, at least he went quick.  Hulk gets beat up by the heels for a while, then Snake & Dibiase do their thing.  They had the issue at the time, ostensibly over the Million Dollar Belt…but my secret inside sources reveal that in fact it was a big contest between them, to see who destroy their life most dramatically with drugs and alcohol, then last longest doing the bible-thumping circuit as born-again Christians.  Dibiase won that one pretty easily.  And at that point, Gorilla hits a great quote:  “I don’t care if you’ve got a Z on the side of your head or not, THAT’S NOT LEGAL”.  Try saying that one to complete strangers, just to annoy them.  Ax comes in and gets pinned after being tripped up and elbow-dropped.  Smash comes in, more boredom follows, and he gets clotheslined and pinned by Barbarian.  Man, did the Demos piss off a booker or something?  The heels work Roberts over slowly.  Hogan gets the hot tag and is double-teamed by the Powers of Pain, who are BOTH disqualified.  LAAAAAAAAAAAAME.  Jesse is nearly going apoplectic, yelling about Hebner being paid off by Hogan and giving him an easy time of it by disqualifying 3/4 of Dibiase’s team.  He’s got a point.  Anyway, it’s Hogan & Roberts v. Dibiase.  If it’s 1988, then MAYBE there’s suspense, but the Dibiase push is deader than…aw, just make your own tasteless joke.  Hogan survives the Million Dollar Dream by using that special scientific counter:  Having your partner run in and cheap shot the guy on the third drop of the arm.  What a PUSS Hogan was.  Be a freakin’ MAN and DO THE JOB for once your life, you orange freak.  Jake gets the hot tag, but Virgil runs in (with a broken arm — now THAT’S Smithers-quality toadying) and takes a DDT for the boss, which allows Dibiase to drop a fist and pin Roberts with his feet on the ropes.  And the plot thickens.  Dibiase kills Hogan until The Thing That Wouldn’t Go Away decides to start no-selling at an arbitrary and finish Dibiase with his usual at 27:28.  I *really* question the need for Hogan to win that match, considering his was ALREADY the champion and all.  I mean, if you put Dibiase over there, you pop HUGE heel heat for him and build to a pretty good blowoff for the future.  Alas, such are the dreams of fools like I.   Survivor:  Hulk Hogan.

Intermission.

Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka & The Bushwhackers v. Rick Rude, Mr. Perfect & The Rougeau Brothers.

Talk about your contrast in talent.  The faces start by providing a visual demonstration of my opinion of the lot of them:  They all bite.  (2011 Scott sez:  Hey, I love Roddy Piper!  WCW must have really soured me on him at that point.)  Pretty much a comedy match to start, with Jacques in full melodramatic oversell mode.  Superfly splash gets rid of him in short order.  Rude & Hennig have some heel miscommunication to keep the faces on offense.  Piper gets Raymond on a piledriver.  So it’s Rude & Hennig against all four faces.  Hennig gets beat up, but manages a quick rollup on Butch to even it up a little.  Rude takes out Luke with the Rude Awakening and it’s 2-on-2.  The heels now toy with Snuka for a while, with Hennig his usual great self.  The sequence can most politiely be referred to as “unreasonably lengthy” and least politely as “more boring than watching Nitro”.  Piper gets the hot tag as I struggle to remember how they booked it to get rid of Piper and Rude without anyone jobbing.  Oh, yeah, brawl to double-countout, that’s it.  You know, the transition from 80s wrestling to 90s wrestling was starting to become apparent, as the bookers didn’t want to job ANYONE to ANYONE if they could possibly help it, because it might hurt a house show gate in Podunk, MD if the fans didn’t believe that both guys in the “C level” show main event were indestructible.  You know, the more I learn about the politics of wrestling, the more the smart in me hopes I never get involved in any way.   We’re down to Snuka v. Perfect, and then the mark in me gets another little ray of hope, as Snuka wisely allows Hennig to carry him through a really nice little wrestling match.  A roll-through on a cross-body gets two for Perfect, and the Perfectplex finishes it at 21:27.  Nothing cheers me up more than watching Curt Hennig rebel against the bookers in his own way by getting over on his god-given wrestling ability.  And despite Hogan’s politicking, he used that talent to get so over that he was THAT close to being put over Hogan before it got vetoed by the Balding One.  This match, however, was just there.  *  Survivor:  Curt Hennig.  (2011 Scott sez:  I’m pretty sure this match must have been better than I’m giving it credit for.  I could be kind of a dick in the 90s)

Ultimate Warrior, Jim Neidhart, Shawn Michaels & Marty Jannetty v. Bobby Heenan, Arn Anderson, Haku & Andre the Giant.

Heenan is in there because Tully Blanchard “failed a drug test” (HAH!) and got fired before the show.  (2011 Scott sez:  Of course, Tully actually DID fail a drug test, which makes you ask “How much blow did you have to do to fail a WWF drug test in the 80s?” and there you have your answer.)  Ultimate Warrior does the Steve Austin entrance, waiting until his partners get beat on by the heels, and THEN making the big save.  As a testament to how pathetically deteriorated he was, Andre gets clotheslined out of the ring by Warrior and counted out mere seconds into the match.  Yeah, there’s a GREAT choice to put the tag titles on, Vince.  No wonder you almost went bankrupt in 1990, you moron.  To put this in perspective, this was the time when Warrior was headlining house shows against Andre and winning in 30 seconds with three clotheslines.  Think Hulk Hogan will be doing the house show circuit to put over a hot newcomer when HE’S 60 years old and falling apart?  (2011 Scott sez:  Of course not!  He’ll be headlining TNA’s Bound For Glory PPV against Sting and getting Flair to take bumps for him!)

 Neidhart beats up everyone while Andre stands in the aisleway doing what can be best described as his impersonation of Rock doing his impersonation of the Big Show. (2011 Scott sez:  What the fuck was I talking about there?)  Anvil quickly takes a Haku thrust kick to the back of the head and hits the showers.  The Rockers and AA/Haku proceed to do a GREAT little mini-match, and I suddenly dream about what they had planned if Tully hadn’t been turfed.  Heenan draws HUGE heel heat by tagging in for a cheap shot and then immediately tagging out.  Then, after AA beats Jannetty into a pulp, he tags in again and gets the pin.  See, THAT’S how to be a cowardly heel.  Warrior takes out his agressions on Arn and Haku, then Shawn finishes Haku with a cross-body off the top.  Shawn gets tossed to the floor and we almost have LUCHA-BRAIN as Bobby teases a dive off the top rope, but then thinks better of it.  The Heenan Family dissention is furthered as Heenan gives Arn shit for, you know, tagging him.  Arn takes out his frustrations on Michaels, pinning him after a spinebuster.  So it’s Warrior against AA and the Brain.  Arn gets some essentially token offense, then gets splattered.  See ya.  Warrior toys with the Weasel for his own petty amusement (the best kind) then puts him out of his misery with a should tackle at 20:25.  Okay, I admit, I enjoyed watching Warrior humiliate poor Bobby and give him his just desserts.  The match falls under my usual category:  Entertaining crap.  **3/4

 The Bottom Line:

This was pretty much as pedestrian and unexceptional as they come, which was par for the course at that time.

But hey, the next year, something REALLY big happens, so there’s always that to look forward to.

Don’t bother with 89, however.