The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video Presents Hulkamania

Hosted by Vince McMahon, from HOME VIDEO CONTROL, still doing his Howard Cosell cadence. He gives us highlights of the tape, which I don’t really like because I preferred the “What’s coming next?” surprises of the tapes.

WWF World title: Hulk Hogan v. Greg Valentine

From the Spectrum in August 84, featuring Hulk’s NWA National title variation on the belt. The Philly crowd is just JACKED for Hogan. Hogan quickly slugs Valentine into a Flair Flop and this is unfortunately edited, as we cut to the heat segment on Hogan. Valentine works on the knee with an indian deathlock and rams a chair into it, but Hulk does a primitive version of the Hulk Up and hits him with the axe bomber. Suplex from the apron and Hulk adds an atomic drop, as his comeback goes much longer than it would in later years. Valentine catches him with his head down and drops elbows, and we’re clipped again to another heat segment on Hogan. Hammer goes up and gets slammed off, but Hulk’s knee gives out and Greg goes back to work on it. Hulk escapes the figure-four, drops the leg, and we’re done at 8:29. Good start to the tape. 1 for 1.

$15,000 Bodyslam Challenge: Hulk Hogan v. Big John Studd

This is also a title match, but if Hogan slams him, he gets the money as well. EVERYTHING’S COMING UP HOGAN. From December 84 in New Jersey. The egregious music editing during the intros would seem to indicate that “Eye of the Tiger” was still Hulk’s theme. Welcome to 1984: Some dude in the front row has a Kodak 110 camera with about 18 flash cubes stacked on top. Good times. They fight over the slam and Hulk slugs away and hits the big boot, but can’t get the slam. Clothesline and another try, but Studd clubbers his way out of it. Hulk keeps coming with the corner clothesline and ALMOST gets it, but Studd grabs the ropes and they brawl outside. So Hulk starts bleeding and Studd beats on him outside, and then back in for LUCHA STUDD off the top with the CLUBBING FOREARM OF DEATH. Back elbow gets two. Studd slams him and sadly can’t collect $15,000 off it. Back to the floor as Studd keeps beating on him, but Hulk makes the comeback and slams Studd out there. Gorilla notes it wasn’t in the ring, so he doesn’t get the money, but the match is over at 8:00 for some other reason, which turns out to be Studd getting counted out. How do you book a screwjob in a bodyslam challenge? 1 for 2.

Hulk Hogan makes his PYTHON POWDER SMOOTHIE for Vince and Lord Alfred on TNT. OH MY FUCKING GOD, why didn’t someone show this to the feds before they started prosecuting?!? Hogan adding the “magic powder” to make them stronger should have locked both guys up for 20 years. And then he pulls out a BAGGIE filled with packages of PILLS! Hulk notes that he eats one of these pills every day and doesn’t need any other painkillers, and if you’re looking small in the gym, they’ll help you get bigger. The secret ingredient: Kryptonite. Is that the street name, I wonder? BEST SEGMENT EVER. 2 for 3.

WWF World title: Hulk Hogan v. Dr. D David Schultz

From Minneapolis, sometime in 1984 you’d presume as a giant “Fuck you” to Verne Gagne, and Hulk has the rare powder blue tights. Schultz lays him out and chokes him down with his headband, which gets two. Dr. D pounds away in the corner and Hulk bails to the floor, where D adds a chairshot that busts Hulk open. Back in, Schultz drops the flying elbow, but he chooses not to cover, and that gives Hulk time make the comeback. Axe bomber and an elbowdrop gets two, but Hulk picks him up and decides to beat the shit out of him some more. Legdrop gets two, but he wants more. So they head to the floor and Hogan, SPORTSMAN OF THE YEAR, runs the already beaten Schultz into the post to bust him open. BE A STAR, jerk. Back in with Schultz making a comeback and going up, but the flying elbow misses this time. Hulk levels him with a lariat to finish at 9:00. Schultz lays him out and steals the WWF title, and that of course is the only thing Hulk cares about, so he takes it back and chases him off. Does petty revenge make you feel better, Hulk? This all set up the super-duper-rare Hulk Hogan & John Stossell v. Dr. D & Richard Belzer tag match that I don’t think has ever been featured on DVD yet. I think Hogan won that one with a facelock. 3 for 4.

WWF World title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. Big John Studd

Back to April 84 now for some reason, even though the dubbed Gorilla commentary tries to sell it as the rematch from earlier in the tape. Hulk still has the ugly green belt here that he originally won from Shieky baby. Studd quickly drops an elbow and tries to walk out, but it turns out that it’s just VERY edited because Hulk is bleeding all over the place and we’re obviously late into the match. Cut to double juice and Studd dropping the clubbing forearm off the middle rope. They fight at the door and Hulk keeps him from leaving, and they slug it out. Studd goes down and Hulk drops the leg, but can’t crawl out the door. So Hulk kicks Studd in the face and crawls out on his belly like the coward he is at 5:48. 3 for 5.

Meanwhile, Vince McMahon interviews Hulk about how he got into the sport and he manages to lie about EVERYTHING even in this short bit. 3 for 6.

WWF World title: Iron Sheik v. Hulk Hogan

And of course we finish with this one, which we’ve covered a million times, as Hogan wins in 5:00 with the legdrop and kicks off four years of our national nightmare. 4 for 7, since it changed the course of history and all.

The Bottom Line: This one barely passes, but the Python Powder segment is a must-watch, especially if you’re a federal agent looking for evidence against Hogan and Vince.