Tooned In : Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling (1985)

I can’t remember which Sports Entertoonment this is. Maybe I should just use random symbols like the 2010s WrestleManias.

In non-cartoon news, I was convinced to finally watch the quadrology of Bridget Jones movies. Pretty cute, but enough about Renee Zellweger in that role. It helps that I enjoy UK culture and humor, and I’ve liked Richard Curtis, et al’s work (Love Actually, Vicar of Dibley…) This is more for the first two films, as I find the latter two has this habit of introducing a lot of unseen plot twists between installments, usually to get Bridget back to square one. Combine the MCU and Curtisverses, so Bridget and Spider-Man can commiserate about the Parker Luck. In other movie news, I was similarly led to try the Curtis/Lohan Freaky Friday duology, and it was…fun? I can’t believe the daughter in the new one was Anna-Kat from American Housewife. And I didn’t have preferring a Tess Coleman comeback to a Laurie Strode one on my bingo card.

And hey, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is doing a reunion tour, and I’m just sitting here having to use most of my money for adulting and making ends meet. Well I did meet Donna Lynne Champlin at the Randy Andys show. Sweet lady and it was all totally spontaneous. How spontaneous? I caught her outside the bathrooms! Hopefully I’ll finally catch Gabrielle Ruiz (“Valencia,” and one of the better examples of character development in modern TV) at an Andys show some day, which would probably be more reasonable. And I got Rachel Bloom on an Instagram live chat to reveal that she had no role in writing any music that appeared in the Rescue Rangers movie.

MeTV Toons Idea: now, we know Star Trek: TAS is coming next week. Meaning that the power of IPs can still overcome blocks on Filmation shows, depending on who owns them. Weigel, I think it’s time to get Filmation Batman, Superman, and the other Justice Leaguers on the schedule. We’ve gone through the Superfriends a few times over since last fall, honestly, so on weekdays, keep the half-hour SF’s there for one half, but the second half can be a Filmation DC show. Start with Batman, then do Superman, etc. etc. like you did with the Yogi shows and others. The weekends can still have the hour-long SF’s, then the whole shebang after. Oh, and don’t rush regarding the 1977 Batman series. The deeper Bat-Mite stays buried, the better.

Happy 40th anniversary this past Sunday, the 7th, to ABC’s Saturday Morning lineup, one that had a pretty solid list of shows that included: the Super Powers Team, Ewoks and Droids, and the 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo. Next Sunday will be CBS’s turn, and that leads us to why we’re here. Because WWE Vault as of September 6th started Saturday uploads of Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling, almost exactly 10 years after they pulled the show from the Network because…you know. But since the Hulkster is no longer with us and less likely to say anything stupid unless you have a Ouija board, it’s now all good. And being the glutton for punishment that I am, of course you knew I’d be all over this development. So I eenie-meenie-miney-mo’ed the set of episodes posted this past Saturday, and we’ll be looking today at “Andre’s Giant Problem” and “Clean Gene.”

WATCH ALONG…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxL6phCJCW4&t=4s

First note: these appear to be what they used from the Network, so no end credits for reasons. The intro is still there, and I’ve talked about the kid in pink being shoved down, but that’s not all! Check out Hogan’s left hand side and the kid he shoos away. He’s the one with the checkered top and a certain type of complexion.

ANDRE’S GIANT PROBLEM

Well, according to Hulk, that would be being dead days after WrestleMania III. The title card manages to have goofier character designs than in the actual show. We’re at the gym, where our heroes are working out, including Captain Lou lifting a sandwich and soft drink. Because he’s FAT, get it? Andre, dressed in a pink and blue onesie like he’s looking for a sponsorship from Scrabble and Chuck Woolery, is given a postcard announcing that his mother is coming to visit on the 21st. I’m guessing this was the second episode, since that would match its air date.

Anyway, dilemma time: Andre doesn’t want her to know he’s a wrestler. So what could be an actual WWF creative meeting ensues, where the gang decides he will be a French pastry chef instead. They rent a nearby bakery for the weekend, and JYD has some “Junkyard threads” for Andre to wear, but of course they’re too small so they instead get a curtain to fashion his chef’s outfit. Tito in his El Dorado Spanglish tells his “Amigo” to get the dough ready, to which Andre replies, “I can lend you 10 bucks!” No wonder he’s ashamed to be a wrestler if he doesn’t make that much money for his friends to bum off of him. So Mrs. Andre arrives, and Superfly literally just lunges at her…interesting that he’d have this reaction when a woman is around. In the back, Captain Lou and JYD are trying to prepare some tarts on a conveyor belt, and of course this leads to them doing the I Love Lucy routine, and of course Lou is the one who tries to help matters by eating the excess desserts. Cause HE’S FAT! Come on, now, would you rather him be hooked on drugs instead of food? He could go to hell before he dies! The conveyor mishaps splatter Hulk in the face, which Tito laughs at. A lowly midcarder treating him as a joke is too much for Hogan, who returns the favor, and even the cartoon WWF isn’t immune to food fights breaking out. Meanwhile, the dough in the oven used too much yeast and it’s out of control! The wrestlers try to fight it off, and Snuka pounds it like they were dating. Andre gets pinned by the dough, and Captain Lou counts three. Meltzer should have been watching this cartoon if he wanted to prove that the WWF was lying pre-Mania about Andre being undefeated! A burglar comes to rob the store, but Andre’s mom gets him in a Boston crab and the comedic irony ends the episode when she reveals that she was taking wrestling lessons back home all along.

Before the next segment, Big John Studd attempts to show off his billiards skills, but can’t quite get it right. Maybe he needed Curt Hennig’s video editor? As it is, he just crushes the cue ball instead.

CLEAN GENE

Once again, Larry DiTillio shows up to write this. Let’s head down to the cartoon for more EXCITING F—ING ACTION! Mean Gene is at a cafeteria when Piper and Sheik accost him for saying bad things about them and good things about Hogan. Understandable. But Gene has better things to do today than…interview bad guy wrestlers, and insists on finishing his lunch. Another food fight ensues as Hogan and Andre show up and the heels run off as the other faces arrive….JYD jokes, “today’s special, turkey. Ain’t it the truth!” I used my one Uncle Phil/mashed potatoes reference here before, so I have nothing to add. And it’s a lunch time scene, so naturally there’s Andre and Captain Lou gags aplenty. Gene reveals he’s announcing a match in Canada…was this part of Vince sweetening the pot for Stampede so he may have the Bulldogs and Hart Foundation? The problem is, Gene just moved into a new house and it needs a serious cleaning. His mustache disappears and reappears as he says so. Hogan says the gang should surprise their friend by tidying up for him. Unfortunately, Mr. Fuji overhears the entire conversation, promising that heel wrestler hijinks will ensue. I blame Hogan for not having better security for his planning sessions.

The wrestlers arrive and to their surprise, Mean Gene has a mansion. I suspect payout disputes to be piling up over in Stamford the next morning. Hillbilly Jim says no problem, he’s used to cleaning Uncle Elmer’s farm (drink for a reference to a wrestler who’ll never appear on the show!)….but that was another kind of dirty. Did they get a poop joke past the radar somehow? Anyway, JYD is able to enter using his Junkyard Key. Leave it to Hogan to set up Junkyard Dog for breaking and entering. And with all his Junkyard Devices, JYD IS the Batman of the bunch, isn’t he? And now I am picturing George Steele being added to the show in the Robin role. You can’t unsee him in the short tights and all now, hahaha!

So Piper’s gang follows and a pool pratfall ensues. JYD is singing “Another one cleans the dust,” uh-oh, I’m telling Brian May. If I remember correctly, Rock ‘n’ Wrestling actually used the instrumental to “Another One Bites The Dust” from time to time, so if you hear that one song from Mario and Captain N reruns, you’ll know what happened. The bad guys have been in hiding in a closet, and hilariously keep squashing Roddy. When the time comes to strike, Fuji rigs their vacuum. Well at least it didn’t involve killing and eating animals, as Fuji ribs go. But never mind, as Andre is dusting, he sings the WORST entrance theme. THE ABSOLUTE WORST. With their cleaning attempts sabotaged, the good guys conference….and I guess DiTillio had means to look into 1989, because Studd and Piper are there too!

Hogan of course puts this all on his friends, saying they haven’t been careful enough. The others try to explain what’s happened, and Tito wonders if the house is haunted. Wait another 36 years for a show about a haunted mansion to catch on over at CBS, Tito. Hulk brushes it off as Santana reading too many comic books, including that green guy who he totally gave Stan Lee the idea for back in 1966, brother. Really, of the list of Hogan lies we know of, he never tried to take credit from Marvel for The Hulk? During this bickering, Sheik declares, “This will fix those boobies!” No he hasn’t found Gene’s secret silicone stash, he’s just rigging the floor shiner. When it goes out of control, the heels are finally found out and a PG chase and fight ensues. Gene comes home early, no doubt because something screwy happened at that Canadian wrestling show. Piper brags about ruining the day for him…but Gene is confused. As well he should be, because Roddy is going back and forth with a team of wrestlers that again includes…himself.

Hogan plays innocent, it’s not like he didn’t barge in the house without asking and helped mess things further by letting his insecurities about Roddy Piper and his friends get in the way,after all. But Gene reveals he mixed up the numbers, and Piper actually wrecked the police chief’s house. Drugs weren’t involved, so…a win for the 80s wrestling crew? Somewhere in there, Hillbilly Jim apparently snuck in the bathroom and shaved himself…

Last live action scene has Tito Santana and Captain Lou help cure Mean Gene’s hiccups.

So more of the same from the show, pretty much. Cool that we have it for nostalgic purposes, though, alongside the 6:05 World Championship Wrestling reruns and Superstars whenever the Vault puts one up on Saturdays. And MeTV Toons, of course.