Tooned In: The Thing (1979)

Happy Fantastic Four weekend! Let’s celebrate with one more dive into the F4 Animated Universe, and perhaps the most offbeat one of them all. Yes, moreso than HERBIE the Robot joining the Richardses and The Thing the year prior (and I am still contractually obliged to remind you that this was NOT because kids were setting themselves on fire to be like the Human Torch). We are back to Hanna-Barbera, and this late ‘70s offering that features the solo adventures of everyone’s favorite ever-lovin’ blue-eyed rock monster. Sound interesting, right?

Wellllll…

First, you’re not going to see any clobberin’ time at all. Just as Popeye was no longer knocking Bluto out at every turn on his deservedly obscure turns at Saturday Morning, The Thing mostly engaged in kid friendly feats of strength. “No big deal,” you might say. “The Superfriends did all right and they couldn’t hit anyone.” Oh, but I didn’t get into the “best” part of the series yet. You see, through some vague experiment seen in the intro, Thing was finally turned back into a human…

…teenager named Benjy Grimm. He hangs out with a typical H-B gang of teens and gets into teen-type adventures and situations. Only with the power of his Thing Rings could he undergo a He-Man like transformation into his previous creature form to save the day.

Benjy’s friends are Betty and Kelly, sisters from the Harkness family, whose father is the Professor that had something to do with the current state of The Thing, and…wait a minute. The HARKNESS family?

Who made Ben Grimm a Scooby clone? IT’S BEEN AGATHA ALL ALONG!

Anyway, this gang is rounded out by Betty’s snobby rich boyfriend, the decidedly not rad Ronald Radford. And if he vaguely sounds like a certain Eternian prince, there’s good reason because he is voiced by Adam/He-Man himself, John Erwin. The closest you’ll get to The Thing facing fellow Marvel characters is the recurring antagonists of the show: the Yancy Street Gang. Spoiler: you don’t even get that in the following episode.

And by the way, The Thing was part of an animation block on NBC that also involved the Flintstones. The official full title of the show was Fred and Barney Meet The Thing, which was also misleading because they only “meet” briefly during the show’s intro, and that’s it. Not to say it was impossible given the Flintstone characters’ time lord powers that allowed them into the Laff-a-Lympics and Yogi’s Space Race, even Wonderland itself. Either that or, you guessed it, they’re really the dystopian half of the Jetsons’ future.

And that theme song is a total Jimmy Hart Version of the first Super Friends song. Yes, the Wendy and Marvin season, and that will prove to be appropriate.

So today’s story, true believers?

THE THING BLANKS OUT

Well Match Game is about to end its CBS run, so it’s a good time for that. The gang is on Ronald’s dad’s (or “Puh-pah’s”) yacht and he brags about him having a fleet to canned laughter. Yep, The Thing has a laugh track, as several Hanna-Barbera series did, and….wait another minute. Did I mention YACHTS?

Cue the Styx…and #F-CKTHOSEYACHTS

The kids are on a bird watching expedition, as their principal Mrs. Twilly is looking for the rare Yankee Doodle Bird. They’re about to crash into a drawbridge, though, and Ronald can’t do anything about it but stammer like Prince Adam. If it was a *Jaw*-bridge, he might have more control over the matter. As it is, Kelly whispers that it’s time for Benjy to “do his thing.” Now, using “It’s Clobberin’ Time” is not thinking of the children, so Grimm has a new catchphrase, as he puts his magic rings together: “Thing Rings, Do Your Thing!” Orange rocks surround Benjy and turn him into the hero, who now sounds like Jimmy Durante. The gruff voice is still there, but you expect him to start asking if you want to hear the story of Frosty the Snowman at any minute.

Thing lifts the bridge while Betty and Twilly gush in their bad accents. But he gets Popeye Bashed into the ground by a girder that keeps hitting him in the head, which gives Thing amnesia, and since he has no idea of his strength, he just walks through stuff and apparently can glow and break down walls too? Meanwhile, the girls continue their bird watching and find the Yankee Doodle Bird, which has red, white, and blue head feathers and does a dancing march which is supposed to be funny. Good thing I have the laugh track to let me know that! In their pursuit of the bird, Ronald goofs up again and crashes the boat into the bird sanctuary itself. During these hijinks, Kelly finds Thing, and the usual cartoon amnesia ensues. So she decides only Professor Harkness can help. A storm is coming, though, meaning this is like Gilligan’s Island in reverse. Luckily, Ronald has an “in case of rain, push button” panel that puts a giant umbrella over the yacht, which the laugh track finds hilarious. But now a nearby dam is breaking!

Back at his lab, the Professor suggests what sounds like he said his “inso-phallic” scope. And indeed, it stimulates…

…brain waves. In H-B superhero fashion, he says the device “is our only hope.” And none too soon, because Thing thinks he’s a rabbit, but scares off actual bunnies when trying to hop after them. His existential crisis continues and he Durante-style calls it a “Revolting predicament,” etc. Next he thinks he’s a dog, and ends up scaring a dog and cat up a tree. Oh great, now we’re in a Casper cartoon. Like I need to remind myself indirectly that there was a Hanna-Barbera Casper too. But it gets better. Believing himself to be a duck, Thing follows the flock thusly:

And what would a H-B hero be without being inaccurately depicted as being able to fly????

Kelly finds him and uses the Professor’s device, and when it doesn’t work she throws it down in frustration, hitting an axe and starting a Final Destination chain reaction through one log that launches another log that…drops an acorn on Thing’s head. He literally lights up like a computer and regains his memory, in time to save the dam. He stumbles over the word “ingenuity” then as disco music plays, he breaks off a ski ramp to divert the water. Insert obligatory rock pun here as Thing brags there’s more in his head then just those. The day is saved, Benjy returns and gets the Lois Lane lecture from Betty about disappearing during danger. Twilly also finally sees her rare bird, who has an entire family that joins in on the dance routine. No one laughs, the end.

Boy, am I glad that Marvel started their own animation studio as the 80s arrived. And it paid off, because as much as I love Superfriends, the 1981 Spider-Man, Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends, and the 1982 Incredible Hulk all felt a bit more…sophisticated? Oh, you still get silliness like Miss Lion and Bruce Banner’s magic regenerating clothes, but I’ll take that over Thing acting like a duck any day.

Until next time, remember: If you pump your inflater, your Thing will expand in size.