Tooned In: Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling (1985)

Live from Mr. Black Plaza, it’s That’s Sports Entertoonment IV! Hopefully I don’t spend four hours explaining this cartoon. Bob Uecker and Vanna White showing up would have been nice, though. And now I realize I missed the chance to make a comment about Meltzer under-stating the number of reads That’s Sports Entertoonment 3 got. Though unlike WrestleMania III, I probably could use the heavy papering.

Anyway, Scott, as he mentioned before, has plenty to do already, and I’m not sure how much more Hulkamania he can take. So of course, when it’s animated, I’m more than willing to help. Well, then, it’s time for a LONG look into… a cult classic? A guilty pleasure?

So, as we all know, 40 years ago the World Wrestling Federation was on a wave of momentum with the national expansion, culminating in the first WrestleMania. They got to this point by combining their own superstars led by Hulk Hogan – yes, he once had a positive effect on the business and its fans – and those of pop culture, especially with ‘80s icons such as Cyndi Lauper and Mr. T. This pushed the WWF into the mainstream, which also included a couple specials on MTV. This close relationship with the world of pop music gave birth to the “Rock ‘n’ Wrestling Connection.”

(unless you believe in the Hal Needham Universe, in which case it would be former music manager Harry Smilac, his tag team of Quick Rick and Tonga Tom, and the band Kick that started the movement…)

As such, WWF heel heat would involve running down said celebrities and rock music. And no one embodied both than the company’s main bad guy, Rowdy Roddy Piper.

(…who is NOTHING like Quick Rick Roberts…it’s too bad we had no multiverse obsession in 1985…shoot, Crisis on Infinite Earths just barely started. Because if they had a Piper vs. Reverse Piper feud, I’d SO be on board. We wouldn’t even need Hogan possibly, and that would save us a lot of having to bash our heads against the wall now, every time he did something stupid.)

Belittling the output MTV gave the youth of the country and terrorizing Lauper and her famous friends, Piper was the perfect adversary for the Hulkster, who stood at rock ‘n’ roll’s side. Just not alongside Metallica, despite what he says. With this basic storyline, the WWF taking over in every aspect of pop culture, and the ‘80s being big on Saturday morning cartoons starring hot celebrities, as Ralphie Parker would say, “What happened next, was inevitable!” Thus, in the fall of 1985, CBS premiered Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling, complete with a prime time special where Roddy Piper took the station away from Tattoo from Fantasy Island.

The series comes to us through DiC Enterprises, a company which, when they were good they were good (The Real Ghostbusters, Kidd Video, Inspector Gadget, SatAM Sonic the Hedgehog), but when they were bad…oh dear (Hammerman, ProStars, and…well, a case can be made against Rock ‘n’ Wrestling itself). They also survived being taken over by Disney, so they had that going for them. And their logo is fun to imitate, or to be more accurate, mishear as that kid muttering “Dick”. Fun fact: for the duration of the Kid in Bed logo, if you look carefully you’ll see there’s always be a giant-sized Hulk Hogan LJN doll at his bedside.

So what’s the cartoon world of the WWF like? Well there’s little wrestling involved, and most of the show is about the out-of-ring adventures the WWF superstars get into. And no, Andy Heyward was not a pen name for Vince Russo. The heels and faces are parts of their own little Justice League and Legion of Doom factions, but don’t expect Roddy Piper and his cohorts to be set on world domination like they were Cobra, or Skeletor and the Evil Warriors. They mostly just want to mess with Hulk and his friends.

Our lineups?

The faces:

Hulk Hogan: Now with a full head of luxurious blond hair and the voice of Robert Barone. DiC didn’t give him a creative control contract, so he actually sells for the cartoon antics that he’s in the middle of!

Junkyard Dog: Who now sounds like he’d want to dine on turtle soup or pillowy mashed potatoes. They take his name literally as he lives in a junkyard as if he was part of Fat Albert’s gang.

Andre the Giant: He’s really big. I got nothing else, and neither did the writers.

Hillbilly Jim: More or less like his WWF self, only with a more Jethro Bodine voice and an endless menagerie of farm animals and pets.

Wendi Richter: The action girl of the Rock ‘n’ Wrestling Connection…until she refused to sign her contract.

Jimmy Snuka: with standards and practices in place, isn’t likely to kill any groupies on this show. His voice actor is related to a former WCW World Champion.

Tito Santana: He’s also like his WWF persona…he’s just there, and he’s fine. Just overshadowed by more colorful characters.

Captain Lou Albano: He’s fat. I got nothing else, and neither did the writers. Plus the Captain didn’t play himself like he played Mario.

Mean Gene Okerlund: Cameos on episodes from time to time trying to get exclusive interviews during the mayhem.

And for the heels, we’ve got:

Rowdy Roddy Piper : Nowhere as manic as the actual Piper, they gave him this sly villain voice instead and his defining characteristic is HATING RRRROCK AND RRROLL!

Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff : They’re pretty much the Bebop and Rocksteady of the show, and hey, wasn’t Rocksteady Russian in the 2012 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (an excellent, fun revival of the series, by the way, and it had something for every generation of TMNT fan P.S. When is the original TMNT premiering on MeTV Toons? Anyone??). Since it’s TV-Y7, the only A to the Z Sheiky Baby could talk about was teaching kids the letter of the day, so instead he typically says how everything is “phooey!” Nikolai reminds us of his heritage by calling all his friends Comrade…i.e. “Comrade Sheik”, “Comrade Piper”.

Big John Studd : He’s really big, but evil. I have nothing, etc. etc.

Mr. Fuji : There to be devious, much like his WWF persona. Thankfully, again because it’s a kids’ show, his dirty tricks don’t involve killing and cooking any of Hillbilly Jim’s pets.

Fabulous Moolah : The Evil-Lyn to Wendi’s Teela, I guess. She also got her image on the cartoon on her own merits, without trampling on any of her students who could have been on the show, and she totally deserved it because she was an icon, a positive figure, and a true inspiration to this day to women’s wrestling everywhere….is what I would say if I was really Nigel Sherrod.

Bobby Heenan : Sadly is just a semiregular character.

Note: What’s with the heroes outnumbering the villains? The original lineups of the Transformers did this too, at least in the toyline.

Another note: in depressing trivia, NONE of the heels are still with us IRL.

Yet another note: Had the show gone beyond 1986, dare I say it would potentially have more character development than a lot of SatAM shows of the time, given the nature of face turns and heel turns in wrestling? As it was, the show reran into 1987, if I remember right, which made a lot of things really awkward. Particularly the placements of Andre and Piper. If DiC had to acknowledge their turns and more on the show, who knows how it would turn out? They did have an episode where Piper was temporarily hypnotized into being nice; other than that, you’ve got me. And don’t get me started on how wrestlers come and go from the company (Snuka and Richter were infamously on the way out as the show got started…) They’d also inevitably have to include more of the popular stars of the time, like say, King Kong Bundy (would probably be just like Captain Lou, except evil), or Randy Savage (whom I could see being turned into an obnoxious surfer dude type, or worse, like a grown up Rocky Ratrock from The Flintstone Kids). If they got to Ultimate Warrior, I could totally picture him as an over the top superhero-in-his-own-mind, kind of like Super Pac-Man on the Pac-Man cartoon.

Now let’s move on to some actual episodes, shall we?

Gotta go over to Dailymotion for these…

Thoughts during the show intro: 1) Hogan’s live action entrance is taken from the War to Settle the Score, yes? I was always tickled that you could see a glimpse of Captain Lou there too. 2) Some people ask for HHRNW inspired figures, I ask, WHERE WAS THE SHEIKMOBILE, PIPERMOBILE, AND HULKMOBILE TOYS? 3) The baddies, and Hogan’s friends, must have mastered the Transformers art of subspace, because they all fit and pop out of really compact places (the pillar at “Hulk Hogan’s Gym” and the back of Hogan’s car). 4) WATCH THE KID IN THE PINK SHIRT TO THE RIGHT OF THE HOGAN MOB AT THE END OF THE INTRO. That can happen to him, yet the Superfriends could not punch anyone.

Our first story….

BUCKET

(“It’s ‘Bouquet…”)

And wait…LARRY DITILLIO WROTE THIS? Of He-Man and Beast Wars fame? No wonder this episode was singled out for me to check out. So we begin with music that sounds like DiC was prepping it for the Super Mario Bros. Super Show, as it has a lot of 8-bit boings and bleeps.

In his junkyard, Junkyard Dog is sleeping but a noise wakes him. Thinking it’s the Junkyard Rat (yep…), JYD goes into his file cabinets and pulls out a…RATTRAP. After hearing him complain about how they’re all gonna die, JYD returns to his original sleeping animation. During which I realize that the Dog wasn’t the first James Avery character who’d have rat troubles. To hell with Matt Groening, where’s all the fuss for DiTillio’s gifts of prophecy? The same noise wakes up JYD again, and he discovers that whoever was by took the trap, but left the cheese behind. So Junkyard Dog asks Junkyard Cat (aye…) if he saw that “jive rat”? A light from a car scares the cat off, so the Dog’s only chance is to use his Junkyard Magnetism, and now I’m asking myself…is JYD more narcissistic than Batman as far as naming everything in his immediate vicinity after himself? Instead of pulling up the car, JYD pulls out a bucket-shaped robotic creature. This would be Mobotic Unit #736. From the planet…SLAG. If the Rattrap reference made my jaw drop, this sent it all the way to the floor. HOW HAS NO TRANSFORMERS FAN TURNED THIS INTO A CONSPIRACY THEORY YET??? And is Bucket somehow Cybertronian in nature? Where’s his cameo in any TF comic books? I get it’s more fun to, say, bury the GoBots as background fodder, but come on now.

Anyway, JYD takes the robot’s shape as inspiration for calling him the easier and titular “Bucket.” And the disappearance of the rattrap is explained by Bucket thinking Earth trash is delicious food. Bucket lost his way in a meteor storm, and that’s why he’s here now. Dog takes him to the gym where the gang is Peanuts Dance working out. He scares Andre into doing a Scooby-Doo jump into Jimmy Snuka’s arms, and somehow, facing the strange alien robot is the safer place in this deal. Hogan asks who is this “R2-D2-C-3PO-ET” for those who miss the parody being expressed in this episode. And 2025 Hogan would probably call him “D2-R2.” And if you still don’t get what’s being spoofed, Andre asks Bucket why he couldn’t just Phone Home. Hulk offers the gang’s help, and Captain Lou offers his sandwich. Because he’s FAT.

However, back at Bucket’s ship’s crash site, two devious figures approach. One looks like Vince McMahon, oddly/appropriately enough, and the other looks like an animated Muppet. Upon closer inspection, however, it seems like DiC just recycled the head of Master Blaster from Kidd Video for this second henchman. They are here by the apparent orders of a “Doctor H”…yeah right, like a guy who’s last name is “H” would ever displace a Vince lookalike in their corporation. Or is it a swerve, bro, and H = Hogan, nay, Hollywood? Quick, I’d better mix up the letters in “Larry DiTillio” and see if it’s an anagram for “Vince Russo.”

Maybe not…because I don’t recall Teela and Evil-Lyn being forced in any Eternian mud matches, or Man-at-Arms refusing to sell for Orko’s magic, and proceeding to shoot on how Lou Scheimer made him grow this stupid mustache. “Hey, Skeletor, or should I say, KELDOR?” (King Randor: “Quick, Marlena dear, Duncan is shooting…” Queen Marlena: “You know we’re only worked married, Randy?” Man-E-Faces: “Looks like everyone in the kingdom is throwing their scripts out today, what’ll we do, Ram Man…improvise?”)

Ahem. So Snuka asks Andre to do the “Superfly Special”…he wants him to kill the villains and play dumb so no one will suspect? No, this is actually Andre Colossus throwing Snuka atop their van to find their hideout. Meanwhile, at the Hall of Junk, Hogan’s told of what his friends just saw, and says “Let’s roll!” Wait, Hulk just posted on X:

Well you know, Maniacs, I was the first choice to play that robot dude Optimus Prime. But Jazz and Blaster weren’t tan enough. Yeah that’s it. So it didn’t work for me, brother. Much Love, HH.

The more you know. Well, at that same moment the henchmen arrive at the junkyard, and Bucket comically spins his head and honks in fear. Sounds like the villains’ names are “Crotch and Streaker,” well, if you do the latter, you will see the former. The wrestlers deny seeing any extra terrestrial beings, and Hogan accidentally steps on their alien tracker, in the sense that he “accidentally” threw Randy Savage out of the Royal Rumble. The villains are run off, and Hulk decides their next plan will be to “give them an alien.” I know what you expect out of the Hulkster these days, but no, he wasn’t talking about Tito Santana. Rather, they disguise Hillbilly Jim as an outer space creature. (Bobby Heenan: “Well, Mudlick isn’t considered part of Earth anyway…” Gorilla: “WILL YOU STOP?!?”) And it works, as Doctor H’s men give chase, leading to the cops pursuing both vehicles. I’ll point out that the music during the chase scene reminds me of a slowed down Trivia Trap theme. Inspecting the credits for the show, I see that Score Productions was responsible for much of the music…the same Score associated with many Mark Goodson game show themes. So it checks out? Anyway, JYD throws the cops off by saying the henchmen are stalking them while spouting crazy talk about aliens.

Meanwhile, Hulk and the rest of the gang are at H Headquarters (as WWEHQ is now known), and Hulk Hogan, the real world’s greatest detective, figures that the building has the same logo as the van of the guys bothering Bucket. So he concocts a plan to get the wrestlers in when Wendi uses her feminine wiles, just like her trainer forced – erm, taught – her to, while the other Hulkamaniacs commandeer the van. They’re inside, and my god they put NO effort in anyone but the wrestlers’ designs. To wit, Doctor H is finally revealed, and….he’s a perfectly normal guy, albeit one with a Ministry of Darkness Undertaker goatee. He’s also darker skinned so I guess by Hogan standards that of course makes him a bad guy. When hiding, the wrestlers duck in a doorway that’s part of the hall of doors you’d expect one of those wacky cartoon chase scenes/”who’s going out which door” gags, but no, it never pays off. With the extra threat of Johnny 5, er, Bucket being disassembled, er, dismantled, Hulk and friends finally get the remains of the spaceship and escape.

Back at the junkyard, JYD declares, “The Hulkster’s back!” Luckily no 90s rap where Hogan’s ex acts like a valley girl breaks out. They fix the spaceship, but Bucket complains (which he does A LOT in this episode) that he’s missing one part, but the long named item he describes ends up actually meaning a rubber band, which Captain Lou easily supplies. After getting a tub chucked at them by Hogan, Doctor H’s men return with tanks and other heavy artillery, only to see Bucket take off for his home planet. It’s Doctor H, of course he has a tank. Great for intercepting alien robots and invading the other company’s wrestling shows. But, actual swerve bro, it turns out Doctor H wasn’t such a bad dude after all. His less threatening real name was Dr. Howard, and his goons were the ones who went overboard with the capturing and dismantling business. On the other hand, the doctor just wanted to study the UFO for the government, and wanted to reward the wrestlers for being the only people who met an alien, with an audience in Washington with the President. Nowadays, people who claim they met aliens and other conspiracy theories probably get to work there anyway. Ahem.

The episode ends on a totally random note, where we pan out to the moon…where Mean Gene is stranded and complaining about stuff. This was not referenced ANYWHERE else in the episode…syndication edits?

And after all that, I have ANOTHER sample of Rock ‘n’ Wrestling for you! But first…

WRESTLERS JUST WANNA BUST HEADS

As noted before, Cyndi Lauper was the major catalyst in starting the Rock ‘n’ Wrestling Connection, so of course someone had to do a parody of her best-known single, with a grappling theme. “Someone” being Shell Shock Shannon, who based on my Internet research, was only known for this one song. It sounds vaguely like Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, but it’s otherwise hard to tell given that Shannon talk-sings his way through the whole cut, between synthesized grunts and manly man choruses of Lauper’s “We just wanna…” The gist is, it’s a wrestler who threatens his wife for telling him to mow the lawn (and boy did that age like milk post-Benoit), his dad for calling him a no-good bum, and a reporter for saying wrestling’s the F word. I first heard the song not on this montage of territory wrestling, but on one of our local access shows, like 25 plus years ago, when they covered some local indy shows.

And remember, my Patreon, with free and paid tiers, will have stuff that’s not found here, and some other neat photos, scans, and more.
https://www.patreon.com/c/RetroPopThoughts

And now…back to the show!

CHEATERS NEVER PROSPER

Hulk Hogan’s career would say otherwise, AM I RIGHT?

And we finally get the wrestling bad guys for this adventure, women and foreigners first. They are at the airport awaiting a flight, and after Nikolai pratfalls, we find that the Iron Sheik and company were waiting for Ahmed, Sheiky’s nephew, and his baseball team, because they will be competing in the Junior World Series. And I must say, Ahmed is quite progressive for the time, as the writers just don’t make him into a mini Sheik or similar Arab stereotype. Meanwhile, Wendi’s nephew Kevin is on the US team in the Series, and is anxious as such. So of course Hulk takes the occasion to hotdog and grandstand when he and the wrestlers take over the practice. Then the gaslighting SOB gets offended because the Sheik shows up, never mind that he has the right to be there because his relative is on one of the teams. Actually, that means he belongs there MORE than Hogan does, so there! And Ahmed and Kevin get along just fine, despite Hogan trying to goad Ahmed’s uncle into a fight.

Regardless, Sheik takes over the Arabian team’s training and basically tries to get the boys to Cheat to Win, against his nephew’s wishes (“Honesty…PHOOEY!”). The game begins, and the first batter for the Arab team is…OLLIE AKBAR. I am stunned at this reference. I mean, how did DiC get Skandor Akbar’s nephew on a WWF show? WWF x Mid South, FORBIDDEN DOOR OPENED! Fuji and Moolah use various tricks to help Ahmed’s team, and Nikolai ends up kidnapping the umpire and taking his place. Never mind that it’s clearly Volkoff, just with a catcher’s mask. And who is just standing on the sidelines watching all this happening, brother? It takes Mean Gene (this time cameoing as a popcorn vendor) questioning Hogan’s manhood to get him to act. And by act, I mean the faces again take over the US team. First, I’m pretty sure they’re all way past the age limit for a junior World Series. Second, way to make it not about Wendi’s nephew.

Anyway, Sheik at bat tells “Maniac Hulk” to bring it, and his rocket bat spins out of control…yet it still hits the ball, leading to a grand slam! Hogan…losing? The game goes back and forth with the good guys finding ways around their rivals’ tricks, and of course it ends with the announcer proclaiming, “Hulk Hogan is the last hope for the American team!” At this point I realize that there’s no Roddy Piper in this episode too. So Sheik gets two strikes with his yo-yo ball, but on the third try Hogan side-steps it and is able to hit it (?)…only he launches Sheiky Baby into the air and around a flagpole, where the ball on a string spins around…and right into his glove. The Arabian Team wins! Wow, they get Hulk to job. Sure it was due to dumb luck, but downright subtle compared to how he lost the WWF title. But wait! Ahmed did not want to win like that, so he gives the World Series trophy to Kevin. This causes Sheik to do the same two frames of animation jump of rage…which sets off a trick home plate Nikolai rigged and again sends him flying.

So that’s Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling, and yes it’s as dumb as you remember.

And I know, there’s another segment on the second link, but seeing animated Louie Anderson in a Col. Sanders suit that’s SUPPOSED to be Bobby Heenan, I’m in no rush to add that this time. I’d rather be transported to the Needhamverse now, so I can enjoy the new Harry Smilac’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling cartoon every Saturday morning instead.